TRASHFUTURE - *PREVIEW* The Reverse Kennedy feat. Ciarán Dold

Episode Date: June 20, 2024

For this week's bonus, we're talking EU elections and weird European politics with Corner Späti's Ciarán Dold. Learn about Ursula Von Der Leyen's anti-wolf vendetta, Cypriot Mr. Beast somehow getting a parliamentary seat, the hypothetical return of François Hollande in a move they're calling Opposite Day PASOK, and Riley's conjecture about a maneuver known only as the Reverse Kennedy. It's a whole lot! Check out Corner Späti at their website, which has the best URL in history: https://www.operationglad.io Get the whole episode on Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/reverse-kennedy-106517077 *EDINBURGH LIVE SHOW ALERT* We're going to be live at Monkey Barrel comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe on August 14, and you can get tickets here:  https://www.wegottickets.com/event/621432 *MILO ALERT* Buy Milo’s special ‘Voicemail’ here! https://pensight.com/x/miloedwards/digital-item-5a616491-a89c-4ed2-a257-0adc30eedd6d *STREAM ALERT* Check out our Twitch stream, which airs 9-11 pm UK time every Monday and Thursday, at the following link: https://www.twitch.tv/trashfuturepodcast *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Trashfuture are: Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani), Nate (@inthesedeserts), and November (@postoctobrist)

it's, as I say, private security company is based in Lincolnshire in a place called Swineshead. And this is a Britain moment. We've mentioned this before about the arms industry in this country, but the security industry too is that like all of the weirdest shit in the world and the weirdest, most sadistic shit in the world is being invented in Swineshead, Lincolnshire and like a little industrial estate. Absolutely. Where a guy is like, what if we just hotbox the Tesco? What if we, what if we made all, what if we made everyone in the Tesco real relaxed?

And obviously, you look at reviews... Too relaxed to make me cry. Yeah, you actually CBD-infuse smoke. Also, you see reviews of this stuff being used, right? And people who work at the Tesco's where it's deployed are like, yeah, if you set it off as a false alarm, you just have to work in a smoke-filled room for three hours.

If you set it off as a true alarm. Like, at this point, what's more disruptive to Tesco as a business, right? The lost revenue from pack of cigarettes or the lost revenue from entire Tesco smoked out. The punishment does seem to be directed at, presumably, like, the teenagers who work at the Tesco who probably have to fill the machine with boxes of cigarettes to make it work. It's sort of a collective punishment. Like the whole everyone in or near that Tesco is suffering. Yeah. The misdeeds. They want the other

customers to beat his ass. That's what they're going for. No one can trust anyone in the Tesco. Doing like a kind of full metal jacket blanket party against the guy. Like running to the soap aisle and just like stuffing them into a pillowcase. But then it just pops again because it thinks you're stealing the soap. Yeah. I mean, he's running first to the pillowcase aisle and then to the soap aisle. So my first thought when I saw this was, again, morality aside, I was just like, but surely if you were stealing from Tesco, a smoke screen would be absolutely ideal. Yeah, right?

You could have ruined the CCTV, you could have absconded, it's perfect. Yeah. Like as soon as you figure out this is the game, don't you just like go robbing Tesco with like a pocket fan or something? Well, I know my exit route. Not only is he stealing stuff, you get to feel like the scarlet fucking pimper now. Following a thread back out to the exit. This is all becoming very mythological.

We could also do like shoplifter with a set of like the thermal vision goggles. Like Sam Fisher. Yeah. Just you hear the Splinter Cell like goggles noise. I like the kind of inspector Clouseau everyone kind of comes dressed as like the pink panther effectively. So here's the thing. You think this is the funniest thing about this company?

I do. Yeah. Because the thing is I can imagine few greater thrills than to set this off knowingly but innocently and to leave. Well, so what's your, what's the range? Like how many do you need for a big Tesco? Oh, you must need a few. But that's the thing.

That actually might not be the conceptually funniest thing about this company. Because they are also trying to... There's a blog post they have when you go to the website. What else have they invented? Nothing. But we are in... Yeah, nothing. They have one thing.

They're writing it. So this is one industrial estate in Lincolnshire with a guy in it who is posting as well as also building fog machines. We are an innovator and manufacturer of security products dedicated to pursuing technologies that protects you, your staff, and your business. We believe that safety and security is a basic human right, and this compels us to tackle the most intrusive and violent crimes. We are also committed to educating and supporting communities with the aim of reducing crime

and improving lives. And the image that is accompanying this blog post, I think could probably be the episode art I'm going to pass it around now. Yeah. Yeah. This is, this is awesome. I'm not going to ruin it for anyone else, but it's pretty cool. Oh, delightful.

November, do you like to describe what you've just seen? Um, yes. I'm looking at an image of a guy with a, you know, heavily bearded, I guess, like unhoused person stereotypically with a sign saying, uh, not, I need a job or I need food, but I need a fat bitch. So it's like seeking human kindness is what it says. So this is, this is what the actual mission of the actual mission of the Tesco pop smoke company is. Well that guy was trying to shoplift human kindness and that's why they invalidated the smoke screen.

So the title underneath this unhoused person holding a sign, actor in a stock photo portraying an unhoused person holding a sign saying seeking human kindness is it is time for the private security industry to evolve. And apparently what it's evolved is a kind of like glands that emit smoke. It's evolved like a kind of squid. It's evolved like fucking clover fields. Speaking of squid, like the thing that this makes me think of is like, you know, those security tags on clothes that like you try rip them off, it's sprays ink everywhere.

What if you replace that with something that shot ink from the ceiling in the entire shop when you tried to steal something? Like a sprinkler system. Yeah. Now no one gets anything. That homeless guy has certainly got human kindness now. At the heart of the security industry is a contradiction. Our goal is to prevent crime, yet we rely on the conditued existence and the threat of crime to sell our products and services. Oh my God, the fucking security guys have discovered the Herrick defeat theory. What

the fuck? You're not supposed to know about that, bro. That's like advanced shit. Okay. Okay. We look to stop criminals, but rarely do we look to stop criminality. We help to find evidence of wrongdoing, but what do we do to help minimize the factors that contribute to that wrongdoing in the first place? I have to remind you all right now, this is the company that makes the smoke poppers for Tesco. Yeah, apparently it's CEOs doing a criminology degree

on the open university. Smoke poppers, everyone will be too horny to shop. Everyone in the Tesco's asshole is dilated. No one can commit a crime. You're not supposed to smoke them. You mustn't smoke them. Their theory is that they're actually trying to prevent crime. So they, by pumping the Tesco full of smoke, it reduces the instances of shoplifting kind of like the way bee hives work.

Well, like, every smoke makes everyone docilecile and they just go about their shopping normally. You just have to remove the shoplifters queen. On average, you're all desert nationwide. You probably kill like four asthmatic people a year. All of them could have been criminals. So put that on the stat board. I actually think the asthmatic have a tendency to be criminals. If you look at this diagram. Yes. Ah, yes. I see you have the scoundrel's lung. No, it's a, so the smoke that it emits is like a, they, or they say is like a harmless glyceride something. I don't know. So a vape.

Yeah. It's blue ras. Yeah. It's they, they turn. Keir Starmer committing to only have a sort of savory security. It's fine to have a vape, but the vape must serve a greater purpose. Teenagers running in to take a huff when someone robs the Tesco. I'm just down the street from a Tesco, I like get a whisper on the wind of like Tappanard and I'm like, oh fuck. Your mate Baz has robbed something and no one has realized that you are like, entire

mouth over the nose. A coordinated effort by a bunch of school kids. Another guy licking the whisk on come down with me. Just inserting the whole thing into your mouth. He just expands like a balloon. Just licks a witty wank of shit. Yeah, absolutely. So we believe the most important task of the security industry

is to reduce risk for our clients, which means creating an environment where crime is less likely to happen. We believe the time has come for the security industry to start playing an active role in structural level crime prevention. This goes beyond corporate social responsibility. A security company that accidentally institutes socialism as a kind of very elaborated step to reducing crime. Our aim should be to help create a society in which criminality is less appealing because

other opportunities are widely available and accessible. Why is this guy making a smoke machine? Just kind of Keir Hardy wearing a big like security high vis, you know? This is why we call for a change in outlook. We want to explore these issues and others connected with them. And basically it's like, we should have to like restore all the afterschool clubs, but until that happens, we will be making a smoke machine for your Tesco. I love the idea of change outlook. Anyway, I produced a big black box that has like, you know, one of the editions of 1984's book cover on it with the eyes just staring at you.

Yeah, Tesco is fucking watching. It's you got to work within the system to change the system. And just sometimes maybe your part in the system is guy who makes the fucking... This is what happened to the Euro Communists. So, okay. So, you're imagining this guy at the security conference, they're like, how did you get into security? And he's like, oh, well, I was let go from my job as the stage pyrotechnics manager for the Guru Josh project.

Yeah, next time it's going to be if someone steals something, a bunch of fireworks get lost. Just let loose. I take a packet of cigarettes and a fucking flaming lip show breaks out. Everything on a big stadium rock show could be anti-theft profession. Lasers, pyrotechnics. I would find it so difficult to shoplift a pack of cigarettes from the middle of a flaming lips concert.

Yeah. To be fair. I'm just rocking out so hard right now. I forgot why I came. That's why I always bring my glow sticks when I go shoplifting. We have contained a sort of small, homunculus version of the flaming lips in this box in the corner of the Tesco. But when it detects theft, a tiny Wayne coin is released.

You do have to kill them after every time though in a prestige type situation. It's unfortunate. And this was all created by a guy weirdly in Swinehead. There's a man in Swinehead in Lincolnshire who has the power to breathe life into dolls and he has used it for an elaborate theft prevention tool for test. Swinehead named for the various crimes against nature they have produced. Oh, yeah. Modern criminals are not deterred by standard security systems

and have a number of ways to circumvent them. You have to get into like a post-rock kind of situation. You have to get very experimental. Developing... What if they were deterred by a really weird one? Developing security fog as a barrier was the innovation we were inspired to create. And they've been doing it for like 30 years. Oh, fun!

This is not that deterrent anymore, surely? You would think. This is their next thing. Can't see it, can't steal it. Okay. Hang on. Surely you've already stolen the item at the point where the smoke machine is going off. Otherwise how did...

Where they're doing like pre-cog minority report shit where like they know you're like, ah, it's Steve and Steve. Pop smoke. He's never going to see the Lambert and Butler with this thing going. Can't see it, can't steal it. It's literally the defense of what Milo was talking about. Like, oh yeah, the smoke screen. Now I can get away.

You didn't see me. No crime has occurred here. The cops all like arresting each other because they can't see. And also it says it has a slow settle rate, which effectively protects an area for up to 45 minutes after activation. You just completely disable... You get a mission kill on a test.

I want this everywhere. You don't understand how badly... I want this in a bus. Like you don't tap on smoke everywhere. Exactly. Like, car doesn't go through on the light Oyster card reader on the tube first time, entire thing of like fan chit-chit. How about this? How about this? How about this? Bathroom at a restaurant, if it detects

you don't wash your hands when you walk out. Night's over everybody. This is a great way to diffuse responsibility for minor faux pas across big groups. Yeah. This would help me personally so much. What's so cool about this is that it completely disables the Tesco for 45 minutes, which like Tesco is no longer what like mission capable. Compare the revenue loss of that versus whatever the fuck they were stealing from the Tesco. This is why I loved this company.

Yeah, that's awesome. After 45 minutes, the area will gradually clear, clear leaving all people equipment and goods unaffected I would be pretty affected by being crashed in a thick bank of smoke and it over 45 minutes Essentially, it's like the fucking mist by Stephen King No one's able to get out. It's like you can completely cannot see