Triforce! - Simple Simon Ep 1 Ft. Turpster

Episode Date: October 12, 2013

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Hello and welcome to Simple Simon, where we ask Simon simple questions about our guest, a brand new show. Points will be awarded if Simon gets the questions right. Today our guest is Mark Turpin. Thank you very much for coming on the show. Thank you for letting me come on the show. Wow. Say hi, Simon. Hi, Simon. It's Simple Simon here of the Uggs cast. Simon, also known as Honeydew. How are you today, Mark Turpin?

I'm good. I'm good. Thank you for asking, Simon. It's great. I'm a big fan. Obviously, it's great to be invited along. I'm excited because this is like the first ever. So it's obviously going to be the best one and everyone's going to be like first ever so it's obviously going to be the best one and everyone's going to be like it's not as good if it's bad it's your fault and it doesn't get like picked up that's the problem then isn't it exactly we're looking for fox to buy out this format from

us for 25 million dollars because this format alone is genius. I think they could recast all of us. You know, like, I don't know, who would play you, Simon? What happened to Jeremy Spake from Airline? Is he still available? What about Keith from The Office? Keith from The Office, he'd be good. He'd be good. Yeah, yeah, he could do that.

I think I'd have Matthew McConaughey play me. Oh. Because I'd want an A-lister. Very nice. And, yeah. Can I have Zach Galifianakis? Galifianakis? Yeah, he's got too much beard.

Liam Neeson. Okay, Liam Neeson. Really? Really? Anyway, this isn't the show. Let's have an example. So the idea of this game, this little game, is that... If you like to go now.

So the idea of this game is that I ask Simon questions about you, Mark, and he has to try and get them right. And you can obviously then tell him what the answer is and award points. Points will be awarded. Okay. Yeah? Okay. Yeah. Okay. So to start with, how do you feel?

How do you think? So Simon, how do you think Mark feels about being here today on the show? How do you think he feels about it? I think he appreciates being in front of a camera rather than behind it. And he appreciates the novelty of it. And he finds it much more entertaining than actually doing the work that we usually assign him which is just you know bothering people via email or phone calls and bothering you which i don't think he likes very much because you can be quite aggressive and grumpy towards him

okay mark got that right mark it's like reading a horoscope it was i was just like oh my god that's like totally me that That's insane. I was like, you know, I was hoping you were going to go on to talk about maybe about me, you know, maybe meeting a tall, dark, handsome stranger. Do you know what this does remind me of? Mr and Mrs. Yes, yes, I think so.

What's Simon's favourite sexual position? Which one of us is Mr and which one is the Mrs? Definitely the Jaffa cake. What's Simon's favourite sexual position? Which one of us is Mr. and which one is the Mrs.? Definitely the Jaffa cake. What's the Jaffa cake? The Jaffa cake's when you have... It's like a Cleveland steamer. You have a Caucasian person on the bottom, or Asian, either's fine, with then a layer of orangey jam.

Yeah. And then a dark chocolate covering on top. A dark-skinned person on top. Okay. Yeah. Wow. Well, there we go. Episode zero. So what was that?

One point for getting it right? Well, there's got to be a point. There's got to be a point for that. One point. Because that was uncanny accurate. So you said that Mark was privileged to be here and he said he was 100% right. So in fact, I'll give you two points.

Two points. Thank you. Pace yourself. Is he going to appear? You said it was perfect. Two. Yeah, two. Ding.

There'll be a score. I have to do this for the whole show now. That's it. Because we haven't got it. You just keep your hand up. We haven't got scoreboard. So next question uh how do you think mark keeps track of his place when he's reading a book simon um is he reading it naked because that would provide a very handy bookmark no i mean when he, when he goes to sleep

at night... But what happens with paper cuts this summer? I couldn't... You know, he'd just open a book and just slide it on and it would just be on

like this. And he could go about his day and it would be fine. Oh, I don't know. I don't think he would own a proper bookmark. So I think he would

probably use a business card or something because he probably has a bunch of those just lying around think he would own a proper bookmark. So I think he would probably use a business card or something because he probably has a bunch of those just lying around. And he would just pop a business card right at the top of the book, leave it there on his coffee table, you know, on the bedside cabinet next to all the dildos and loops. And then, you know, when he's ready to do a bit more reading, he would just take out the business card and carry on. So you're going with business card.

I think there's all sorts of opportunities here. Old train ticket, old cinema. See, I can't, because all the old train tickets, I've got to use as expenses. So I can't use one of those. Otherwise, the books get messed up at the end of the month. I don't go to the cinema, really, anymore. I used to go loads.

But I don't, because people I work with just aren't that interested or don't invite me. I think more so. So go on, what's the answer? The answer, and this is going to upset people. I actually fold the corner.

You use a dead baby. I use a dead baby to then fold the top corner of the page where I left off. And obviously it ruins books, but I'm a little bit of a sort of self-entitled pratt so i think well if anyone's going to ruin it i'll ruin it so um do you feel like you um own the book though and do you feel like you're allowed to sort of damage the book a little bit and beat it up because some people like that kind of beaten knackered old book and they like to own them i mean if you're borrowing from a library or off one of your friends who's a bit spurgy and they don't like corners being bent over i

can understand but do you do you own them this would be books i own i wouldn't do this with someone else's book that i would feel would be disrespectful in that case i would make a mental note and i'd use a rhyming couplet normally to remember where I was. So it'd be page, you know, 859. I remember it. Fucking hell, it's a long book. So that'll be fine. Yeah, it was. It was.

Big text. Big text. You remember the page number? Just remember the page number with a rhyming couplet. It's very easy. So it's like page 37. I remember because in this book, it turns out that she is in fact dead and in heaven

and that's how that's how you'd remember well pages it's very easy you can apply it to a lot of different things obviously the only fault with that format is it only really matters on the last digit yeah of the page it could be 57 yeah 87 yeah it, it could be. Or 11, even. 11, that's the problem with some of them as well. There's a floor. Yeah, but that's why I like bending the top corner over. It makes it a little bit easier. Bending the rules.

Breaking the rules, adjusting them. Breaking the law, breaking the law. And then making it into a new rule. Well, there you go. That was minus one point for that, Simon. Oh, wow. Minus one. I didn't know you got minus points.

Yeah, I didn't know that. That's how it works. So now I'm on one. There you're on one. Yes, that's right. So we have the next question. Simon, what do you think Mark's favourite card is in a deck of cards? What a strange question.

Favourite card? There's 52 possibilities. I'll give you a point if you can get the right suit and a point if you can get the right card. You know him well. Look, we spent a long time with Mark. We're good friends. Who has a favourite card?

Who doesn't have a favourite card? Jack of Hearts. Ooh, I like that. Because he is a Jack of Hearts. Bit of a joker, bit of a lover. I like that. Bit of a jack-off. Yeah, onto people's hearts.

Still beating hearts. Still beating. That tends to be what finishes the job. Yeah. No, mine's really I would have thought this would have been easy it's very cliched

right what is it then it's the ace of spades ace of spades yeah oh come on ace of spades no we've got

an ace of spades there I always carry an ace of spades with me have you seen him with the ace of spades he has it all over he has them all over the place that's what I'm all about

he keeps singing ace of spades I also like to turn on gambit ace of spades it's. Ace of spades. It's your ace of spades. Yeah, it was uncanny. It was like listening to the... Did you record the backing vocals

on that original one? I don't know. I did, thanks. Yeah, yeah. Not many people know that. No, exactly. I listened to it and I thought, nah, there's no way that's a coincidence.

That is definitely the same voice from the original recording. Okay, question three. Wait, wait wait am i back down to zero now uh so you didn't get anything no you're you're you're back down zero you get minus one okay oh so i am on zero you're on zero you're on zero this is the high quality scoreboard how am i gonna do negative one i'll have to like do this or whatever i don't know you'll have to do this or whatever. I don't know. You just have to keep checking on your fingers.

But it's zero. That's all we've got. Actually, that's where it starts getting quite brutal as we bring out the scoring knife. Right? Oh, God! We've got two. Okay. Come on.

Next one. Next question. Simon, what do you think call centres call Mark when they get his name wrong? Or when he gets a letter from someone who's misspelled his name? Turdin. Turdin? Mark Turdin.

Mork Turdin. Okay. Sure, let's go with that. Sure. Mork Turdin. Mork Tur Sure. You really think turd in. Mork turd in. That's a pretty bad one. I've yet to have that.

So I get the whole gambit of... Gambit again. Yeah, again, there we go. But I get the whole plethora of stupid names. So the most common one is turnip. So they flip around. Of course it is. Come on.

And then with the older generations, obviously they know of Dick Turpin, the highwayman. Mick. Dick. And so they often say, when I say Turpin, they say, oh, as in Dick.

And I'll be like, well, yeah. And they're like, oh. Well, some people call me that. Yeah, exactly. And then it's like, oh, I bet you get that, yeah. And they're like, oh. Well, some people call me that. Yeah, exactly. And then it's like, oh, I bet you get that a lot. And I'm like, excuse me, I get a lot of dick. Is that what you're trying to say something here? And I try to make them feel quite awkward and uncomfortable

about not being able to spell what I think is quite an easy name, but I have been spelling it for years, so it's a bit unfair. Since you were a baby. Well, a little bit later than that, but a slow developer yeah yeah well so so that's minus one simon um next question minus one thank you thank you for keeping track it's amazing of that uh next question sorry i'm having to look down at this list. What do you think Mark's favourite carnival game is? So when he goes to a circus, when he goes to a carnival, when he goes out, you know, to the local gypsy fair ground.

Or the donkey derby. Donkey derby? You've never been to the donkey derby? Donkey derby? Have you not heard of that? Make an ass of yourself at the donkey derby. Oh, God. So it's like a kind of local village thing where you can ride on a donkey?

I'll go. Just get out. So, Goldstine, what do you think? I think it's shooting things with, you know, like an air gun. Shooting pellets at targets. The bendy barrel. Shooting, like, ducks to get to get like a big fluffy toy. Yeah.

See, I like that. I think that's really cool. And I would say yes in many ways. I think my true favourite is the same sort of thing where you squirt water, though. Have you seen the ones where you have to like, you know, like hit the targets and knock stuff over? There's a clown's mouth and you have to pee into it. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. And that's the thing. I like those ones. But I would say you're actually probably right there. You know, shooty games are definitely my favourite.

Will you let me have that one, Lewis? Will that be a point? That's a point. That's definitely a point. Back up to zero. Hooray. I'm going to give you two points for that. Back up to zero.

Two points. Two points. You can't give me two points for that because he said it was a water gun, not a, you know, air rifle. Look. So it's got to be one point. Two points. You can't give me two points for that, because he said it was a water gun, not an air rifle. So it's got to be one point. One point. So I reckon zero. You're happy with that?

Okay. Let's be fair. Right, we'll make it up as we go along. You're on zero. Next question. Simon, what do you think Mark's morning routine is? So what is his usual routine when he gets up in the morning, he wakes up from bed?

What does he do? What's his routine? I think... Careful, Mark. Careful. I'm sure he doesn't do that. He doesn't do that kind of thing. I reckon he has to go to the toilet, first of all,

drink a big glass of water and go to the loo um this is maybe we'll have some toast or a bowl of cereal and then he'll have a shower let me stop you the first thing you do when you wake up is have a big glass of water is that you don't what you have you you're dehydrated because you've not drank anything for like seven hours so it's important to drink water first thing in the morning. Because I'm reading a little bit into your morning routine here. You just lie there and sweat for seven hours and not take in any drink.

So you're dehydrated every single morning. Sorry, Simon, could you do the action again? Sorry. You're dehydrated and you've got to take in as much fluid as possible. Okay. Let me just okay yep yeah so he wakes up he has a drink and then he goes to the toilet after the drink or before the drink or at the same time same time would be the definitely the frugal time use. Sits on the loo as a glass of water. Like that.

Perfect. Like that, only with a banter. Then what? Then he will have some breakfast, a bowl of cereal, maybe some Fruity Loops, and maybe a little bit of toast with marmalade. And then after that he will have a shower or maybe a little bit of toast with marmalade. And then after that he will have a shower or maybe a bath, but I would think showers

more likely. Then he would take his pressed suit and then he would throw that on the floor and reach just for like a shitty gaming t-shirt and put that on and go into the office. So Mark? No, really. So I Mark? No, really.

So, for example, yeah. Lewis, I knocked you over. I'm really sorry. I'm still intact by the looks of things. It's solid wood. Okay. Where were you? You were over here, weren't you? There we go. You were next to Mandrew over here, weren't you? There we go.

You were next to Mandrew, I think. Somewhere over there. Completely on the wrong side. But anyway. I think it was either side. So I don't drink a big glass of water in the morning. You should do, Mark. You should do.

And equally, I don't have breakfast either. So I kind of feel that's like a double whammy of things I'm not doing. Oh my goodness quite i think that i think i'd normally wake up and i like check emails and reddit so that's like the sad morning before you even you know perform any ablutions yes yeah i'd say like you know wake up because my phone is my alarm so i'll take that off you know and it's in my hand and i'll be like oh I might as well while I got it you know I use that rule a lot

in the morning yeah sure you do oh whilst I'm here whilst it's in my hand I might as well do a one and a three and

sure why not why not save time yeah but yeah yeah I was saying yeah but yeah I guess like

yeah the shower yeah definitely you know I have a shower in the morning, so maybe half a point for that. But yeah. I can't really do a half, Mark. Can you give it a go? What was I on?

Zero. You're on zero. So now you're on 0.5. Perfect. You've accurately conveyed the half there. Half a point. All right. Good.

Well, there you go. That was very generous of you to give him a half, bearing in mind he didn't get any of it right. But it's only your choice. He has a shower. That's what I got right. Equally, it's not even in my power to give any points there. But I've decided I'm just going to usurp that and just say half a point.

No, you're welcome. You're welcome. I think that's true. You can decide the points. You're equally welcome to do that. You're getting a sneaky nicotine tablet there, Simon, to keep you going. What do you mean? That's fine.

So, Simon, what do you think Mark does with all of the empty shopping bags left over when he comes back from Sainsbury's or the supermarket of his choice? Because you tend to build up an awful lot of them. A collection of dozens of these bags. I reckon he just throws them out.

He gets sick of it. He has to clear out every once in a while, every couple of months, and he'll just throw out 30 bags because what else is he gonna do with them and it's terrible but that's what a lot of people do right well you again this is tricky so i normally shop online so i use an online shop um and they actually recycle all their bags so when they they deliver your next shop, they just take the last lot off you.

So I'm totally wrong. Well, no, saying that, however, I just moved into a new house and they left about 100 shopping bags. And what did you do with them, Mark? What did you do with them? I threw them out. I should have recycled them.

Threw them out. Threw them out. I was like, this is ridiculous. These are too many. There's too many shopping bags. Does that give me another half point? I think you're up to a one. I'm up to one point, Lewis.

One point. You've done amazing. Wow. It's not a high-scoring game, is it? It's going well. So, Simon, next question. Lewis. Mark's having a cream tea with the Queen.

Oh, is he? Are we invited? No he's on his own When he hears a very loud and obnoxious fart It wasn't him Oh my god But how does he react? I reckon he would blame it on one of the Queen's corgis

So he would laugh it up and he would go, Oh, Mum, your corgis let rip. Or something like that. Okay. Because I don't think he would just ignore it. You're passing the blame over to... He wouldn't help it. He would just start chuckling.

He wouldn't be able to keep it in. He would just start laughing and the Queen would be really embarrassed because it was the Queen. And then he would save her, the humiliation, by blaming the corgi, blaming Mandrew over here. I like that. I like that.

I don't know. I think I would just say nothing. I think I'd just stifle your majesty because you know you know what mark you say it best when you say nothing at all as the great the great ronan keating once said life is a roller coaster sometimes just gotta ride it just gotta ride it all night long um so yeah there you go. So I would say nothing and stifle whatever kind of vomity sort of emotion I'd have. Back down to zero.

Back down to zero there. But that's good. I think you've done well so far. It's been, yeah, it's not been brilliant. I started on zero and now I'm on zero again. What would you do though? So would you blame it on the corgi? Would you blame it on Mandrew?

That seems a little bit uncalled for. That's why we have dogs. That's the whole purpose of us, like, taming wolves and breeding them to be domesticated and everything, just so that we can blame our farts on them. It's nothing to do with companionship or defence or anything like that. It's purely a method to blame... Scapegoating.

To scapegoat. It's purely fart-based protection against embarrassing social situations. Benjamin Franklin, I think, and I might be wrong with this, I think Benjamin Franklin said that if you could cure the smell and the offensiveness of a fart, that socially we'd be far more happy people. I think that was in the Declaration of Independence as well. I think it might have been. And when Nicolas Cage stole it,

I think he edited some of it out. So I don't know if you check it today. He farted on it. He might have, out of tribute to the great man. The noise is fine. If it was really loud, nobody would have out of tribute to the great man. The noise is fine. If it was really loud, nobody would care. It's just the smell. I might be wrong, but I think he did loads of research into odour eaters.

He was sniffing bicycle seats and everything. I think so. It must have been gross. Going into toilets and licking the bowls. Oh, jeez. I'm going to type it in. Was he German? Benjamin Franklin. I can'tez. I'm going to type it in. What a sick... Was he German?

So Benjamin Franklin... I can't say that. He had a lot of slaves. We shouldn't be dissing this guy. He's probably important. Benjamin Franklin, probably important. Lewis Brindley, 2013. He could be.

He could be. Stop Wikipedia-ing it. This is not the game. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure out what he said. Look, you don't have time, Mark. Have you literally just Googled Benjamin Franklin farts? Yeah.

Is that what you looked for? Just to see. So I was on zero after that. I think so. Still on zero. I think so. Yeah. Because Terps wouldn't have blamed it.

He would have just ignored it. I would have just ignored it. That's my duty as an Englishman to not highlight our... You would have laughed. You wouldn't have been able to help it. You would have turned red. Your shoulders would have been shaking. You would have been like this.

Yeah. I don't know. I think in the Queen's presence, you would just be... It would be so daunting, wouldn't it? She's such a really tiny, frail, old, grey woman. Exactly. But wouldn't you, if you were Queen, just see what you could get away with? It'd be quite a nice social study just to be like, you know,

one was going to find out today how certain subjects react when one drops a real stinky fart in their presence. I like that. And then you'd just be like, oh, I'd find that really interesting. And I'd find that almost like when you're like a billionaire and you just don't care anymore. It's just like, I honestly don't care about anything. Yeah, exactly.

So I would just be like, I just want to see what happens when I meet people. I just, you know, I shake their hand. I'm just going to really awkwardly fart and just keep eye contact on them. Because Bill Murray does like steal chips off of people. Apparently, apparently. So he'll like go into a restaurant and people go,

oh my God, it's Bill Murray. He'll just reach to their plate, steal a few chips, eat them in front of them and say, nobody will believe you. And then he'll walk off. That's right, yeah. He does it all the time in the street. And he meets people and says, no one will believe you. And just like waggles it around.

Wow. Nobody will believe you. Isn't that what Jimmy Savile said? Where? Oh. Wow. Nobody will believe you. Isn't that what Jimmy Savile said? Well, I said that. Nobody will believe you. Nobody will believe you. Slip like that. I think that one might have to get cut.

I've arrived. Good. Well, look, fantastic. Wow. I think I think that'll do wait Lewis

there's one more question oh yes one more question to ask that's right so it's the final question oh my god da da da da

da da da da da da da da da nice da da da da da da da yeah this is smooth da da da da da da da Nice! This is smooth. Episode zero. Score so far is zero. So with this last question, if Simon gets my answer right... I get ten points.

Is it like the conundrum? I get ten points. I double my points. Wait, what? The final question on Simple Simon, it's always going to be the same, because, of course, Simple Simon was a pie man. So the question is, what would Mark most prefer to have as his pie filling? What's his pie filling of choice?

What is Mark's pie filling of choice? That's right, Simon. Now, I think Mark likes a meat pie. He's very fond of meat pie. Not a sweet pie. He's a savoury pie kind of guy. Meat. Oh, what sort of meat?

Steak and ale. Steak and ale. Yep. That's my final answer. Well done, sir. You hit the proverbial kind of pie on the nose, I think. I hit the pie on the nose? Okay.

You pied me. I don't know what that means. I got it right. Yeah, definitely. That's what you're saying. I got it right. Well done. Hooray!

Ten points. Ten points to Gryffindor. Ten points. Brilliant. Well done. Hooray! Ten points! Ten points to Gryffindor. Brilliant. Well done. Is that a ten? It looks like a zero-one on this. I think you've got it the wrong way around. Ten. Ten points. That's amazing. Ten points to Gryffindor.

Yeah, there we go. Ten points. Well done. Thank you for joining us all for Simple Simon. I hope you had a good time and see you next week where we will bring another guest on and invite them if this doesn't get cancelled. Who will it be? Oh, what guest will we have?

It could be anyone. It could be Obama. It could be the Queen herself. That'd be awkward if you answered the fart question. It could be Tom Cruise. It could be tom cruise it could be um kirsten scott thomas it could be um that the family guy man uh peter griffin it could be um this fellow it could be anyone who is that what do you do you mean, who's that? It's me. That is terrifying. What's happened to your nose?

You don't have a nose. Oh, my God. What's wrong with your face? Who's that? Is that Peter Griffin? No. It's me. He's saying I look like Peter Griffin.

In that picture. Yeah. Yeah, I do a bit, don't I? Hey, hey, hey, Simon. You remember that time when you looked just like me? Awful. Awful. Thank you, everyone, for watching.

Thank you. Feel patient. Bye-bye. Bye. See you later, shitlords.