Triforce! - Triforce! #227: Death of the Triforce

Episode Date: July 21, 2022

Triforce! Episode 227! Lewis dies in his hotpants wringing scalding hot water out of his turtleneck, Pyrion dies in a vat of baked beans and Sips dies in a plane crash in the Himalayas protecting his patented "I Can't Believe It's Not Man-Juice" Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Oh, hello. Welcome back to the Triforce Podcast. You've just woken me up with a start. Oh, hello. Get out of bed, PFLAX. The houseorce Podcast. Oh gosh, you've just woken me up with a start. That's what I... Oh, hello. Get out of bed, P-Flex. The house is on fire. Oh my God. Quick, save your family.

Well, I might just save my computer. Grab your hard drives and get out. I need this stuff. Quickly clear my browser history. Hang on a second. Oh man. There's a lot here. There's a lot of little cached files in this little videos

a lot of what's taking ages if you were alone in the house and you were you could really you realized you were dying like everything's going dark what is the chance you'd come in and just factory reset your pc just to be on the safe side oh just yeah they'd find you dead with a drill in hand having drilled through the platters of your hard drive i think it's like uh i think that's like such a good uh general life tip and warning for people as well because you never know when you're gonna go right if you're spending your time doing like a lot of weird shit and stuff like that and then suddenly you go people are gonna find out about it you know like post but you're gonna be dead i know but still you don't want your legacy to be your legacy yeah we found him

uh with uh with a ball gag and uh pikachu butt plug in his ass and um you know what i mean like i mean don't get me wrong if you if you do that and you're proud of it and you don't mind that that's fine but if you if you're hiding like a deep dark secret and you don't want it to ever be known you know maybe just be careful i'm just saying be careful i suppose that the legacy i'd be worried about would be if if my kids remembered being me negatively because they'd seen how bad i was a doter or something you know it might be something that you would want to put in your past yeah for the sake of your uh what would it be antecedents or i think it would be right the kids that come after you people that come after you so i wouldn't want people to look back and say sure oh, Grandpa Ted, what was he like?

Oh, well, we all thought he was all right, but he's crazy. You know, something like that. So I guess that's, I don't care about legacy as in what people think of me, but I would hate to embarrass my children. I think it is very easy for that to happen, though, for like, you know, you to be talking about someone, and then you hear one thing, and you're like, I believe this totally. So, for example, I don't know if I can tell this, but I was on holiday with some folks.

And one of them is a published author, quite a big publisher. And it's also a publisher of a, I don't want to say a British legend, but quite a British man that we all know the name of. A celebrity, quite a famous british man that we all know the name of okay a celebrity british quite a famous british celebrity and an author and an email went around the publisher okay saying that please please if you work for this publishing house be careful around this particular man because he's slept with three different interns and given them venereal diseases oh my god holy crap so he's obviously a bit of a scumbag it's alan bennett it's not alan bennett he's a national treasure i didn't say national treasure right he's not a national treasure but he is a well-known and i had good respect for him before

i'll tell you guys who it is after the podcast but can you just message us on try on on the the whatsapp because i'm desperate to know now. I won't say anything. Yeah, I need to know. Okay, fine. I'll type it in the Discord. No, don't do that. Well, I'll delete it again. All right.

Okay, there you go. I put it in. Oh, my God. No, come on. I'm not surprised by that in all honesty. I'm not surprised, but at the same time,

come on. I know. I know. And I believe it because this person who I was on a holiday with is a publisher at that publishing house. And, you know, I believe that this is true now. And it's amazing the stuff that you just

can ruin your legacy. Once that all comes out, which I'm sure it will. I never liked this person in any way i know like i know you can't you have much control you don't have any control actually over like what what happens around your death and stuff like that but i just i i always like i always think you know like somebody you hold in such a high esteem but you don't know much about them you know like this sort of like these parasocial relationships or whatever um and

uh and you just think you know you you you have this person up on a pedestal you know you see them just in like the the nicest light possible throughout their whole life or whatever but what if you're just like the uh you know the a police officer or like a detective or something you turn up to a scene where somebody's passed away and it's like a high profile person that you held in some scene you know like like say liz hurley passed away or whatever you go into her bathroom where where she passed away or bedroom or whatever there's just a big shit in her pants you know what i mean like it would just it would ruin your whole what do concept of this person right you'd be like well i can never look at i can never admire the work ever again now that i've seen her dead with

a shit in her pants you know what i mean like it's early done yeah she got a shit in her pants but like just like a big like protruding log like in her pants could you imagine that tube stowed as well yeah died with a shit in her pants like you know what i mean it's just like she just has like a like a chocolate mustache she died eating chocolate or just like something really just like you know really dumb yeah something really dumb on the toilet you know that follows him that's true everybody always thinks of elvis dying on the toilet like no he did die on the cheeseburger yeah he did but like even worse than just dying on the toilet what if you walked in the room and it just stunk of bo like he just had really bad

bo and then died on the toilet or whatever you know stunk of bo like he just had really bad bo and then died on the toilet you know you probably did but like you don't really think about these things you know you just see these people uh moving and shaking up on stage and you know mr saturday night putting on the razzle dazzle and stuff but you know these people all poop and stink and and do all these normal things you know and then oftentimes when you find them dead well they're probably in the middle of doing those normal things you know what i mean yeah it's just like uh i don't know i'd hate to have that job where you you're just like the curtain is pulled back every time you well i'd find it hard to appreciate these people anymore if i just yeah two things one sometimes things are out of their control my boiler my hot water

boiler broke this week, started leaking through the floor. The first thing I noticed was the ceiling was dripping in the lounge. Oh, I've had that. I've had that exact thing. It's terrifying. It's terrifying. And so I ran upstairs and was like, ah!

And I turned all the taps and got it to turn off. And it fucked the whole ceiling of the lounge. And it soaked the whole fucking upstairs with boiling hot water. And I was ringing it up with a towel trying to soak it all up and i scalded my hand really badly so all my fucking skin's flaking off my oh my god yeah like an old woman and so let me guess as well you'd stripped right down to your g-string and your turtleneck to do this and you were worried that if you died trying to wring out all this scalding hot water that people would just find you in that state just like water burns all over your legs so you've got the turtleneck on

yeah and smelling of b-oaks i've never showered so i mean that was the problem right like i got up and it happened in the morning early and i hadn't had a shower yet and i obviously caught it early if i was holiday, the whole fucking flat would have been fucked. Yeah, yeah. But I was okay. And so I didn't have a shower. So I called the plumber

and they came round. And of course, they didn't come round. They said, oh, I'll be round. I'll be round. I'll be round. I'll keep promising

they'll be round. They didn't come round at all. So I was like, for fuck's sake. So the next day, I was like, obviously still haven't had a shower. And I'm like,

what am I fucking going to do? And the plumber said, don't worry, I'll be here at like 11. So I was like, obviously still haven't had a shower. And I'm like, what am I fucking going to do? And the problem is, don't worry, I'll be here at like 11. So I was like, OK. So my partner, I was like, can I go to the office and have a shower there and do some work? And my partner was like, you can't leave me here. Because I had an experience when I was younger that was when the workman came around to install something. He hit on me and was really creepy. And he then i've told you this but he came back later afterwards because she was really nice to him she came back late he came back later it really freaked her out

it was a really horrible time so i was waiting around for this plumber 11 o'clock came one o'clock two o'clock three o'clock still wasn't fucking here i was like you're fucking joking me so um it turns finally turns up and of course he can't fix the problem he's like i got to order some parts so i'm like i've been like two days i'm like i really want like every hour i'm like i really want to shower like more and more um i just i just it's it's almost like it probably wouldn't have bothered me man i just go to a pool go to like a gym that has a pool and they normally have showering facilities you can just you can have a cleanup or a ymca jump in the pool you can have a hot meal and you can have a swim and you can do whatever you feel over there. What I'm saying is it was just out of my control.

And at that point, I did go to the office and have a shower because we got this shower downstairs, which is, by the way, the fucking smallest possible footprint cubicle you could possibly imagine. It's like an airplane toilet. The other half live. We're probably using your executive shower room this whole time. No, no, no. And now you have to use the pleb one. The office shower is so fucking tiny.

Wait, there's an office shower? There's an office shower, but you can't bend over. I'm not even joking. Oh, well, where's the fun in that? It's like a vertical astronaut fucking shower or some shit where you fucking squeeze your way in you get the shower and then you can't really even like bend over to like like dry yourself so you have to sort of try and lift your legs up to put socks on again it's a disaster so if you drop the

soap in that shower you just have to slither down awkwardly to pick it up and that's very boring then i think you'd have to like probably do what What if you blow your back out mid-pickup as well? Well, at least you're stuck in like a coffin. And then you die. You're in a coffin. They just tip a shower over. Oh my God. They tip the shower over,

nail a door across and just bury you like that. It's like fucking caving. You know, it's like that guy who died at the Nutty Butty Cove or whatever where he fucking crawled in face first, got stuck and they couldn't get him out again. You mean Wookie Hole? Cheddar Gorge? No, one of those... of those there was some people caving people are the

most idiotic people by the way um if you're a cave youtube videos where those guys are crawling in those really really tight i can't watch them i can't watch i mean either no they like that's my worst nightmare holy shit are they they, why would you do that? I don't know. Like, go to a dank, wet fucking hole. And you don't even know, like, what if you get jammed down there? Oh my God, no. And you just can't get out.

That is just like, that makes me want to throw up. My most regular nightmare, genuinely. God, man. It's just horrendous. You ever have, you ever have those ones where you're like sliding down a tube or like a slide or something and you get stuck? I don't have that. I tend to have one, which is it's a recurring one where I think I'm honestly pretty sure we've spoken about this before.

But it'll be in a dream. I'm in a building like an office or some kind of business place. And I go off to find something or I need to go somewhere. And as I'm wandering off, I start to get lost. And I end up going down and down and down more perilous looking staircases until I need to go somewhere. And as I'm wandering off, I start to get lost and I end up going down and down and down, more perilous looking staircases until I get to the basement. And I'll realize that I'm stuck and I'm lost. And the only way out is an incredibly narrow pipe

that gets impossibly narrow. And there's like a ladder at the end. So I have to try and get up here and I'm trying to squeeze. And it's like, I wake up every time sweating because the idea of voluntarily thinking what should I do this weekend let's go into a place where you need special equipment just to hope to god you survive to go into this cave which could flood unexpectedly or there could

be a rock fall and I'm stuck down here and the work the even worse ones are ones where it's underwater as well oh god yeah i watched a podcast i think unfortunately it was the joe rogan podcast but anyway it was one with this guy goes down there with this other guy and he was leading this other guy around they have these toe lines that you hold on to and you follow them into the depths because if you let go of it you are lost and any movement spills up all this dust that just clouds it you can't see anything so you have to hold on if you lose the line you're basically done for and he had he basically has to leave this guy behind that he's taken cave diving or whatever he's taken in there

and the guy you know panics whatever and that's he's like what right gotta leave him and it's like what the fuck how is that a hobby that would be like saying that you you know do panics or whatever. And he's like, what? Right, got to leave him. And it's like, what the fuck? How is that a hobby? That would be like saying, you know, do you want to go to the swimming pool? And someone gets in trouble and you're like, well, I've got to save myself. I'm sorry. It's too perilous a situation.

You're going to have to drown. You knew the risks coming in. So this isn't fun anymore. This isn't a hobby. This is like you're so desperate for danger that you're putting your life on the line. What, for the story? Is that it?

Is it for the story? I don't understand. It's awful. Yeah,'t i don't get it either i would never do anything like that i just think i don't want to get stuck somewhere where i'm like trapped or can't move or you know whatever like i just think that would just be the worst be awful um there is this thing this study whether it's not study there's this thing called um microromorts, which are one in a million chance of dying. So it kind of is a way to measure the riskiness of day-to-day activities. And it's kind of an interesting idea because one micromort is roughly equal to living one day at age 20. So if you're 20 years old, a whole whole day you have a one in a million chance of

dying is that regardless of what you're doing that day on average across the planet so for but so that's interesting because first of all i would like it to be more nation specific because if i'm 20 yeah so the the question is for that average day if that's the average day of someone living somewhere without clean running water, that's obviously a very different statistic from someone living in Bristol, say. Like, what is the micro-mort for a 20-year-old in Bristol?

That's what I'd need to see that. So, what easy things can I do? That's got to probably be average, right? It's still about one. You'd be surprised, like, the sort of, the general rate of people dying in car accidents

or surprise events and stuff like that is fairly consistent globally. But mean it will vary and murder and murder you know even in like peaceful old england still people do get murdered you do get a murderer or two once in a while um so uh by interesting micro more stuff so for, if you were one day alive at age 20, you've got one in a million shots of dying. That goes up by one in a million if you spend the day skiing. Wow, so you only double your chance of death, but it's still only two in a million.

Yeah, so for every 40 teaspoons of peanut butter you eat that day, you've got an extra one in a million chance of dying. That's weird. I would say that's because you're probably in terrible shape if you're eating that much peanut butter in one sitting. I think that's the point. I think generally eating 40 teaspoons of peanut butter gives you an increased chance of dying by one in a million.

It gives you one micromort. In one sitting, 40 teaspoons of peanut butter. Well, I think the idea of this is that it just increases your chance of dying by one in a million. So because you're eating peanut butter, you're eating a lot more fat, you're getting a lot more heart disease chance. It's pointing to some warning signs.

Every 40 teaspoons of peanut butter you eat gives you an extra one in a million chance of dying. So it's cumulative in a sense. Right, okay. But not cumulative in that sense. It's like an extra you know like it's it's anyway it's hard to explain but um it kind of is a way to track the riskiness of an activity so some of them are cumulative and some of them are not like the riskiness of living a day is one but the riskiness of eating four teaspoons of peanut butter over a year is also one. Okay?

In the same way, eating 100 charred steaks is also one. Wow, 100? Yeah. 100, yeah. In a day? No, overall, however many years is also one in a million. If you have 100 charred steaks, you have a better chance of dying. I ate steak yesterday. I had steak yesterday.

We had chimichurri steaks yesterday well you have to eat another 99 and then you'll increase your chances by a million so i guess every year i'm on the case let's go what steak was that that he had yesterday probably like not this year that's gotta probably be about your 500th steak like this year realistically no in your whole life so oh easily yeah so, easily. So your chance of dying is like skyrocketing. Actually, do you know what? I probably have steak once a month at best. Yeah, okay.

And that's only in the last sort of 10 or 15 years. Well, I probably have like a teaspoon of peanut butter every day, I would have thought. Like, I eat peanut butter regularly. Okay, well, let's just calculate. So you're like, let's just say you've got one in a million chance of dying every day. So over a year, that's the 355 micromortses right how many peanut butters do we over the course of a year teaspoons or steaks oh man i'd say like i'd probably have i'd average about a teaspoon of peanut butter a day like some days i don't have any but like i'm putting more than a teaspoon so

we're talking like one micromort per month so you can add an extra 12 micromortes so you're so you go 365 is your basic but then you're adding 12 more that'll cost you 377 micromort per month. So you can add an extra 12 micromorts. So you go 365 as your basic, but then you're adding 12 more. That'll cost you 377 micromorts. Right. So other things- So what are my chances then, Doc? Well, there's a lot more. There's a lot more things that can kill you, right? So eating a thousand bananas, that's another one. That's a one micromort. What have bananas done?

I probably eat about 120 bananas a year. What have they done wrong? They've got radiation in them, so they can give you cancer. Hasn't everything got radiation in it? Yes, but bananas have particularly more because of the potassium. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah.

But it's a trivial amount. One micromole for 1,000 bananas is a trivial amount. So you get an increase of one micromole if you walk 20 miles a day. You get an increase of one micromore if you walk 20 miles a day. You get an increase of one micromore if you travel 250 miles. How many steps is that per day? Because we don't really – it's 2022 now. You don't really deal with miles anymore. It's all about the steps, right?

Well, yeah. 20 miles is quite a lot of steps. I think it's probably about 50,000 steps or something. It's a lot. Right. So more than you think. If you travel 200 miles by car, that's one micromort. If you travel 1,000 miles by plane, that's one micromort.

And if you go rock climbing once, that's three micromorts. So rock climbing, quite dangerous. However, it gets worse. If you scuba dive that's five micromorphs that's only five wow scuba diving per five per dive uh if you run a marathon you've got a seven micromorph increase yeah well i mean there's a lot that can go wrong during a marathon yeah if you go skydiving uh it's eight if you're in the uk or us but 10 globally so obviously more people dive skydiving you're more likely to die outside the uk as well christ uh riding a motorcycle for

50 miles that's 10 microns oh yeah that's super dangerous what about playing video games all day well we'll get to that it's up it's up it's even higher up the list. Oh, God. So if you have a general anesthetic, right, where you get knocked out for an emergency operation, that is... What about just like a non-emergency operation? Well, either way, you're getting knocked out, aren't you? Either way. No, but I'm trying to... Is it the circumstances? A non-emergency yeah so no just

generally going under general aesthetic has a 10 micro more increase right um that's fucking nuts the way anesthetic is kind of crazy when you think about it like you a lot of people just die and don't wake up yeah yeah well not a lot but no it's not again these are not big numbers i think in the grand scheme of things though in in terms of ways of of going out that's got to be like a decent one right like it's like providing you're not in a massive amount of pain or whatever but like i mean it sucks don't get me wrong if it's just like a routine thing but at least like you didn't really know what was happening you know like you just kind of you go under and then you just never wake up again it's kind of sick yeah it's kind of like sick to think about but you know what i mean it's

at least like like i think i i think honestly that's got to be one of the better ways than like you know some of the alternatives i think so yeah more dangerous than that is playing american football oh yeah one game is a 20 one game is a 20 micromort chance of dying well yeah because of the uh because of all the the head trauma that you can suffer potentially. Even worse than that is using heroin. If you use heroin once, that's a 30 micromort increase. Just from one heroin. One taste of the steel. What's the opposite of a micromort?

Is there anything that can lower this or is it all just risk? It's a macro mort. That's a one in a million chance of not dying. Yeah. So that's like doing something like getting shot in the head. What if I do 20 Hail Marys a day? Is that like five macro morts to... Oh, minus morts, maybe.

Balance it out. Minus morts. Negative micro morts. I reckon you could do stuff that has negative micro morts. What if I donate to charity? It's like it's turning into just a karma system. What if I help a homeless man? Yeah, I think all of these stuff would probably help your karma.

Your macromorts, yeah. It would work. Giving birth is tricky because it's on here a couple of times. It's got different stats for what kind of way you do it so cesarean has a the worst chance you can die there's 170 micromorts involved in cesarean cesareans are nuts though because it's they're weird because they're they're planned you know like you're you you don't even necessarily need to fully be in labor like it's just they give you a date and a time they say turn up and then i don't think that's that's not always true you're going for it no it's not always true there are emergency

cesareans there are yeah but i mean like just like your average sort of planned one you know it's like i don't know it's kind of it's kind of crazy you feel like still they're confident enough with it where it wouldn't be so risky you know what i mean like it almost seems routine in some countries some countries like really favor them but um yeah it's interesting now i haven't mentioned the um age related issue here so obviously when you're age 20 you only get one micromort per day right but that goes up dramatically as you get older okay now? Now, when you're age 45, Oh, no. the micromorts per day of you dying,

basically getting out of bed every day, you have six micromorts. Oh, my God, man. Don't tell Flax that. He's 45, for Christ's sake. I'm 46. He's 46, for fuck's sake. So you're six times more likely to die than a 20-year-old,

just for being around. Just walking around. Just give me a break, Mort. Stop micro-mort. It gets a lot worse when you get older. You think of all this, but look at all the people. Just have a look around one day and look at all the old people who just seem like they're just plodding along quite comfortably and stuff like that. You know what I mean?

It's crazy. It's a six in a million. It's not a big chance. And even that increase from one in a million to six in a million, you know, you still don't... Those odds are right, you know. I'd play... I'd go to the casino with six in a million,

just to, you know, it's not a problem. But when you get to 75, the chance you'll die on a given day is a hundred in a million, which is suddenly... But isn't six in a million the same as 1 in 170,000 or something, which sounds even worse. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But 100 in a million is obviously only 1 in 10,000 chance of dying every day. Hang on. So how many people live in Bournemouth?

Right. This is important. Right. He needs to know so the population in Bournemouth is about 183,491 okay roughly that's in 2011 so let's say it's around it's around one person my age should die in Bournemouth every year or every day every day okay. Okay. Yeah, probably. So on average in England and Wales, about 24 people die per day, I think. Well, no, basically half a million people

die on average in England every year. And there's, what, 60 million people? So, yeah, there's a lot of people dying every day. Half a million every year. That's a lot. How many of them do you think are being found with like just a shit in their pants or probably quite a few i would i would wager so 1400 people die a day in wales so i think on average the micromorts it varies but but but yeah the chances of dying

as you get older get get a lot worse if you're 90 it goes up to 500 micromoles well yeah i mean come on that's pretty old like and it it's i mean it's doable but like i think i think things that you you wouldn't worry about so much in your 20s or your 40s or whatever this is average all of a sudden it's not spontaneous death it's sometimes you know they'll be sick for a while you know it doesn't take much so when you're 90 like just one bad fall or something like that like especially if you're mountaineering in the himalayas because that increases it by 12 000 so if you're 90 and you're mountaineering in the himalayas i feel like when you're 90 your your only job is to just uh avoid being in the hospital i feel like once you're like 90 plus and you get into

the hospital you're pretty much gone right like i think i think the reason you're in there is because you're pretty much gone like i don't think well yeah that's what i mean but like i think you can you can kind of like almost try to avoid it like i mean you know obviously it's not that's not going to be the case but like you know what i mean like just try to avoid like you know traps like that you would fall into and stuff like that you know like don't do too much walking or maybe do like some moderate exercise but not too much and i like i feel like it's like a really really like finely tuned balancing act at that point you know so so some of these stats might be interesting to you so so obviously playing american football is 20 but if you served in the u.s armed forces in afghanistan through the entire year of 2010 that only increased your micro-remotes by the same equivalent of playing one game of american

football what um yeah so there was actually like because a lot of people served and a lot of people came back a lot of people were in administrative roles or didn't necessarily weren't under that much danger. Like it was actually relatively low. And then the other things that you might think of are pretty high. So, yeah, mountaineering in the Himalayas is 12,000, but climbing to try and ascend Mount Everest is 40,000. What? Which is a fucking huge amount, huge number. which is a fucking huge amount, a huge number.

But if you got infected by COVID and you weren't vaccinated, that was a 10,000 micromort chance of dying. Wow. So, you know, compared to things like the Spanish flu, which had like a 3,000 micromort calculation, COVID was like three times more, over three times more likely to kill you than the others. Wow. Which makes sense.

Cases are on the rise again now, aren't they? They're going crazy again. Over here, they're talking about potentially making people wearing masks again and stuff, which hasn't been the case for a long time. So, yeah, I just thought that was really fucking interesting. I mean, I know a bunch of people who've got covid at the moment yeah loads of parents and kids and all the rest of it yeah it's like a week later they're back in school or they're back at work or whatever and well i think it's partly vaccination it's partly like you know that fucking game where

you can mutate a disease to make it more infectious but less virulent oh yeah i feel like i feel like that's generally the perception. Is it Plague Inc. or something like that? Yeah. The latest sort of versions of it have been less deadly but more infectious. Yeah. Maybe there's a noob behind the controls who doesn't know how to metagame Plague Inc.

Well, Metal Games itself. So talking about this idea of a dead man's switch, obviously people prepare for their death by writing a will um oh shit that reminds me we keep thinking we need to do that and then forgetting do we need to like do you need to do other stuff though too like like you know have a little button on the side of your computer that wipes it like they have in those in the movies you know like one of them amazon buttons that orders new kitchen roll or whatever um you know i thought for a while pc to wipe it i thought for a while that there could be

a um you could set up a business idea you could set up an online thing that you you put a load of contact information in login information for things if you want whatever and because people have these big connected lives online you could get it so that every let's say i don't want to say every month because there might be an occasion where you just can't get in touch with the service but there needs to be some kind of definitive way that the service finds out that you've died right and okay when it finds that out it auto fires off a bunch of emails that you've pre-written uh or contacts people shuts down things whatever yeah maybe you have like three people who you you you can trust and they're like trusted emails and if they send like a death

certificate to this thing the men in black come around to your house and they're like we're here to collect period flax's computer right and all the magazines from under his matches and i just took the best bits out and laminated them and hung them in the forest like any good pervert would yeah that's the way to do it no because this is the problem isn't it it's like very hard to you know it's such a young man's thing, social media. But, you know, there's going to be a wealth of dead pages, literally, people being dead pages. I'd want to send a tweet calling out all the people I want to call out from beyond the grave, spilling the beans, like a mega thread of bean spilling.

Oh, my God. You just want to do one final bean spill before you peace out. Ironically, I died in a bean spillage. You died, dude. You drowned in a vat of beans. What's the chance of, what's the micro-morts of dying in a fucking bean spillage? No, it's like that scene in Robocop where the dude accidentally, he gets shot and then he drives into the toxic thing but it's a

it's at the Heinz factory and it's a big vat of beans you're covered in beans the guy's like get away from me man run over by some guy in the bean van smashes you to bits oh man I think

beans people have probably died of fake beans well I wonder what the Oh, man. I think people have probably died of baked beans. Well, I wonder what the Morty points is on that one. How many tins of baked beans and how many... Hey, Ontario, got any plans? How about a trip to the casino right here, right now? With DraftKings Casino, all your favorite games are in the palm of your hand. Play the classics like blackjack, roulette, slots, and baccarat. Or take a spin on exclusive games you won't find anywhere else.

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He was raising money for Prince William's air ambulance service. German. Well, this is his name. His name is the most German name imaginable. German Heinz Muller, who's lived in Suffolk most of his life, wanted to raise 300 pounds for the East Anglian air ambulance. But an inquest said he died a terrible death when the charity stunt in a village pub went tragically wrong. He was told an old iron bath had been placed in the public bar at the Dog and Duck

and filled with 500 tons, tins, tons, tins of baked beans by a local supermarket because they were past the sell-by date.

Mr Moore, an electrician from Bury St. Edmunds, had to strip to his boxer shorts. That's not what he signed up for. He lay in the bath for 24 hours

in order to raise cash. But at 4.30, while the landlord was in the cellar changing a barrel, he fell asleep and drowned. Oh, my fuck. Come on, man. I was only downstairs for a few minutes.

When I got back to the bar, I could not see Heinz in the bath. I assumed he must have given up and got out. Thinking about now, it was all very ironic, because I remember Don't Leave Me This Way by the Communards was playing on the jukebox at the time. Oh, my God. Why did he need to say that? This is a joke i think

this has got to be a okay so what if i i mean so this guy drowns in the beans and they have to take his body out or whatever and then they have to empty the tub of the beans what if you're like emptying the tub of beans and there's just a shit in there like no no no look at this fucking look at this article gift he just look at this article article. That's his parting gift. He just did his shit in the beans. Look at this article. Look at the end. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's a joke. It's a joke. I hope Mr. Muller's family could draw some comfort from the fact that his death will

be a warning to other charity fundraisers not to push themselves to the limits of endurance. Right? Mrs. Muller was too upset to speak to the Suffolk Gazette outside the court, but neighbour and family friend Jack Bentley said, it's such a terrible shame because Heinz was a lovely and lively character. He was so full of beans. Indeed. I'm sorry I've been duped. I apologise. It cannot be real.

But there is a story here saying that a woman... Oh, because his name's Heinz. A woman fell to her death at a block of flats in Bristol. This is in April of this year, after a resident claimed they overheard arguing over a can of baked beans. So it's actually more dangerous to get in an argument about baked beans

than it is to be around baked beans, I would wager. I mean, if the argument heats up and somebody throws an entire full tin of baked beans at somebody, that could really hurt. Well, if the argument heats up, that's how you want your beans to. You don't want them cold. You can have them cold. If you're in like a, you know, like a conflict situation or whatever.

I mean, people have probably spilt some beans on the floor and slipped on them and cracked their head on the countertop. Oh, yeah, no doubt. We're in Britain. There's a lot of beans being eaten. I mean, there is probably a micromort associated with that. You know, 0.1 micromorts per can of beans. Wait, why 0.1?

Like peanut butter, it gets a higher risk factor than eating baked beans? Come on. Well, it's much fattier. It's got a fat in it. I think it's the fat and the salt that's in it or whatever. I mean, I know beans are good for your heart, but, you know, as they say, the more you eat, the more you fart. I feel like that could be risky too.

You just get really full of wind. Maybe you have trouble passing the wind. But like you said, I think the micro-morts, the minus-morts that the beans give for your heart probably undo the danger of murdering your wife in an accident. Or a bean argument.

Or an argument related to beans. Gosh. A bean-related homicide. Can you imagine? Bean-icide. No, that sounds awful. And I'm sure it has happened. But that one actually does sound legit bad, P-Flex.

It's very sad. But yeah, look, here you go. Eating baked beans can reduce your risk of early death from any cause. Ooh, a minus, Mort. Because they contain plant proteins. Yes. Instead of meat proteins. Yes.

There you go. Yet again, the vegan and vegetarian agenda finds its way onto the podcast. Through subtle means. We've got to be smug about it. Flax, come on, admit it. You like a tin of beans from time to time. I like them. So there is a barbecue sauce called Salt Lick

that I was sent by my friend in Texas. And she sent me this. It's like a bottle of Salt Lick barbecue sauce. Let me tell you something. If you get miserable baked beans that we normally sell in this country, which is literally just in a thin, runny ketchup. If you add a good barbecue sauce to it with a little bit of heat,

those beans become magical. If you don't, they can fuck off. Well, there are barbecue-style beans that you can get in a tin. No, I don't want barbecue sauce in the tin because the sauce is garbage. I'm saying I need a dedicated barbecue sauce, a company who's put their stamp on the barbecue world with authority and said, we are going to focus on one thing and one thing only. And it's making the best barbecue sauce we can.

Not stuffing it in a tin and going, barbecue, just stick some more sugar in there, mate. Oh, man. I'm talking about actual good barbecue sauce. Add that to the beans. Just trust me. Just trust me. It's good. I trust you.

I'm sure it's probably good. But I got to say, I do really just a a tin of plain ass beans like i don't mind the runny ketchup and stuff like that you know you just put it on some toast or have it with some chips or whatever like they're so good bland that's fine though i mean it's it's i admire people it's not like the flagship of the meal right it's just like a put passion into one thing right i admire those people who focus on like making one thing really brilliant right you know and they dedicate their life to it especially when it's something like barbecue sauce yeah it's like a thing that is like you know it's nice to have it it's nice to have someone who cares about it you know yeah that's what that's what i love

i like these passionate creative individuals sitting at home doing science you know coming up with just the finest recipe for barbecue sauce it's a little bit like though in a way um the idea that you know the pepsi coke thing you know where they did that test back in the day to say which people preferred and everyone always did the sip test and they liked pepsi better every time and it was because one sip of pepsi was nicer but when you have to drink a whole can of it it becomes sickly sweet i always i always leaned uh towards um coca-cola classic when if i ever did the taste test i don't know why but and when i used to drink soda i would drink uh coke classic as well i just preferred it i don't know well this was the whole thing about the pepsi challenge right and it also led to like new pepsi it's really interesting all that stuff about because

they made they basically ended up making their drinks sweeter and sweeter because any any consumer tests showed that people liked pepsi more and they liked it sweeter but they did yes when they drank one sip but you know it meant that like the can was just undrinkable and you can't really do that in a consumer setting you can't really do that in a consumer setting. You can't give people like an entire fucking can to drink out in the street, you know, and expect them to chug the whole thing. So yeah, it was a good example of something

that people took their eyes off. And in a sense, like, I wonder whether the barbecue sauce people can really get perspective. You know, they are hardcore barbecue sauce junkies they know it yeah you know they have a different taste palette right they and also they're gonna get more and more fucking fucked up by it right it's like they're eating it every day they're gonna need the harder and harder stuff they're gonna be like immune to the sweetness and deliciousness that was you know that was one of my favorite bits i think it was breaking bad

where they go to the german ketchup factory and the guy tastes the ketchup um i think he gets assassinated and i just love the idea that there's a whole factory of people and scientists in lab coats trying to get ketchup flavor just right i i there so there'll be people out there doing that for barbecue sauce but in like their kitchen or their garage where they set up as like the barbecue sauce place yeah yeah their entire focus is on getting the flavor just right think of all the homebrew sauces that just never make it to market as well yeah a lot of jealously guarded sources people who just have their own recipe and they're like you know they're known in their friend circles like hey reggie's got some really good homemade sauce you can't buy that on

you can't buy that off the shelf and stuff like that you know what i mean well reggie's jizzing in the sauce that's uh why he doesn't share the secret they say that uh they say that all great artists imbue their work with uh a personal touch you know what? What would you do if you were like... Kurt Cobain used to jizz on his art, apparently. This was a... Here's the thing, okay? If you're... Imagine you are like... You've dedicated your life to ketchup, okay?

And it turns out that one day someone brings in this sauce and it's amazing. And you're like, oh my God. This is... This has blown my mind. This is the best sauce. We need to get this into production, right?

But then you find out that he jizzed in it, right? That's ingredient how do you then you know how do you then take that i'll tell you what you do you then dedicate your life to finding how to make something taste exactly like jizz so you can add that instead right so you can add that instead and say it's it's just a special savory flavoring that we add, a patented flavoring. And you don't tell anyone that you've spent millions of pounds and years of your life dedicated to making a seasoning that tastes exactly like man juice. Is this why they keep the recipes secret in the KFC? Yeah, that's the Colonel's special seasoning is, you know, some old geezer's jizz.

I know this one comes up a lot, you know, like the people with the recipe for Coke and for Heinz ketchup and stuff. They can't travel together or whatever. Man, how embarrassing would it be if you were the guy responsible for making edible taste just like jizz jizz. taste just like jizz jizz um and then you but and you had to tell somebody you couldn't travel with your colleagues because uh just in case the recipe was lost because you all died on the same plane or whatever you know i'd i'd i'd just think that would suck i dropped the mic No, he's leaving. Get your skeezies out. I'm out. You've had it.

I've had enough. I dropped the mic. Are you, what, like, you have a, there's a plane crash in the Andes. Yeah. You know. And the secret recipe for can't believe it's not jizz has been lost today. A national tragedy when all four CEOs of the company died in the same plane crash. I guess it would make a good headline, but at the same time, come on. Would that be part of the bean spill?

I mean, when you go out, do you need to do this WikiLeaks sort of bean spill? I like it. I kind of like it. But the problem is that the danger is, of course, that if this is all centralized, you know, the danger is it gets, like, hacked, right? And it gets released early, and then it ruins everything. I think people are so scared. So here's my question. Here's my question. They lock these recipes away, blah, blah, blah.

But there must come a point where someone has to actually make this flavoring. Well, it's... Of course. It's people doing small parts of it, right? So nobody gets the overall picture. Are they not allowed to hang out? Are they not allowed to hang out? No. So they talk, what did you do today?

Oh, I took sugar and added this to it. How much did you put in? You know I can't tell you that, Billy. Right, but you're relying on, I guess, if you spread the information thinly enough throughout the organization so that everybody does one small part, nobody actually knows what the whole looks like and they would all have to get together and you keep the sites separate, different, maybe you set them against each other, the different departments and I suppose

in that way. But then at the same time, you then then do need get a certain number of ingredients that you purchase every every uh month or whatever to make it whatever it is you're making anyone with a brain should be able to figure out what's happening here i'm sure many have but the thing is i think the whole system is so convoluted that if you're trying to figure it out it would take you a little while to figure it out and in the process of trying to figure it out the man is on to you like they realize and then they let you get right to the end where you're like that's it i found the final measurement for the amount there's like three ingredients in coke which is the the funniest thing i found out that the final measurement and then pow you're

dead they just shoot you you think it's some again a man in black style. I think it's all a marketing gimmick, right? And first of all, anything like this, A, has to be incredibly consistent. The whole point of Coke and the Heinz ketchup is that they taste exactly the fucking same. So the recipe has to be incredibly clear and easy to follow by a lot of people in a lot of different manufacturing plants.

It hasn't got one manufacturing plant for Coke. It's manufactured all over the fucking world. Secondly, it's manufactured locally to local tastes, right? And so Coke is used, you know, we use sugar here. They use corn syrup there. It's used, it's different recipes, different things for every different country. And it tastes different all over the place according to where it's needed, especially with fast food restaurants.

But this idea of this mystical secret recipe gives it some allure, like it's somehow better when when in fact it's clearly, A, the cheapest, B, it changes to keep using the cheapest ingredients, and C, it's local to what ingredients are available in that country or what is applied, needs to be applied. So it's entirely a false idea, right, This secret recipe used to sell us things. But we like buying into that illusion. We like the mystery.

We like the lie. And so it's a fun story that is just clearly, we should have grown up and realised that it's bogus. Anyone in a Coke factory knows what the fucking ingredients are to make Coke. It's sugar, some fucking vegetable oil. Do you want to know what it is? I like living, actually. It's a three dram extract of coca.

You're gonna tell us and then we're just gonna get suddenly shot through the window. Three ounces of citric acid, one ounce of caffeine. Don't tell us! Do you not value your life? 30 pounds of sugar, two and a half gallons of water two pints of lime juice an ounce of vanilla of one and a half ounces of caramel you might as well just be saying candy man three times in your mirror at midnight right now and this is apparently the secret 7x formula uh i don't know what that means alcohol eight ounces orange oil

20 drops cinnamon oil 10 drops lemon oil 30 Orange oil, 20 drops. Cinnamon oil, 10 drops. Lemon oil, 30 drops. Coriander oil, 5 drops. Nutmeg oil, 10 drops. Neroli oil, 10 drops. Wow. That's in Everett Beale's recipe book of 1979. Some Coca-Cola fan is going to write in and say,

actually, Lewis, Fort Knox has the secret recipe sealed within a vault that was sealed by John S. Pemberton in 1886. It was John Pemberton, correct. So, I mean, if you're writing that email to PFLAX right now, stop it. Just delete it. I don't want to hear. I don't want to hear about how Coke is actually some kind of holy grail. They have a vault. Stop drinking poison sugar.

They have a vault. Just don't do it. It must be a joke because it's got a palm print ID thing on it. It's clearly a joke. What was the thing about the Coke logo where you could see somebody smoking crack or something? It was cleverly hidden, but it looks like somebody's... Oh, yeah. That was in one of the advertisements.

It was a naked lady or something. They concealed stuff. The artist concealed stuff in an ice cube reflection or something like that. Right. Yeah, there's all kinds of stuff like that. I mean, there naked lady or something. Like they concealed stuff, the artist concealed stuff in an ice cube reflection or something like that. Yeah, there's all kinds of stuff like that. I mean, there was a big thing, I think it was probably in the 70s, maybe even the 60s,

where they talked about subliminal advertising as a thing and they'd flash images at people and stuff. It never worked, as I understand it. It's been disproven as pseudoscience. But I think subliminal advertising as a concept was interesting, but gibberish. Bing Crosby's last words were Coca-Cola. He said, he just finished a round of golf in Madrid.

He shot an 85 and said, that was a great game of golf, fellas. Let's go have a Coca-Cola. And then he collapsed and died of a heart attack. Walt Disney's last words were Kurt Russell. Really? Really. He just said Kurt Russell and then died. I don't know why, but... Interesting.

Maybe he was trying to tell us something. He was trying to say Coca-Cola and it came out. You hope yours is Chris Waddle? Chris Waddle. Yeah, that's the last thing I want to say. He's trying to tell us something. Was he trying to say Coca-Cola? Did he want a...

What did he... Quick, give him a Coca-Cola. Oh, man. He's dying. Bing Crosby died of a heart attack? I did not know that. I'm not really, really up to scratch uh, up to scratch on my Bing lore. I like, uh, I'm aware of them, but I don't know much about them, you know?

Like, well, I think it's because golf courses carry a certain amount of risk. Interestingly. Yeah. How many, um, how many, uh, micro, um, well, well, nine people were killed by lightning strikes on golf courses between two between 2006 and 2016 and then if you have a heart attack on a golf course uh you're incredibly likely to die because there's no defibrillators you're miles from anywhere and there's no way to imagine it was like like a one or the other you had a like a chance to die but you also had a chance to have like a really supercharged game

of golf after getting well this is it the golf, the exercise of doing the golf decreases your chance of having a heart attack, but if you have one when you're out there, you're much more likely to die. Well yeah, I guess it's harder for the ambulance and stuff to get to you. Yeah, so it's interesting. Things to think about. Interesting stuff. So maybe do golf, but maybe don't stay in the trees when it's raining. When it rains, just go home. Try not to have a heart attack while you're out there as well.

They turn off roller coasters when the rain comes in because they're worried about storms. You should be worried too. You're holding a piece of metal in a wide open space. Just get in the golf cart and get the fuck out of doors. Yeah. I figured that people are getting struck by lightning. If it starts pouring rain or whatever, hide under a tree you have a chance but i suppose yeah if you're holding like your your club yeah i mean you're carrying around i

guess because they're very i guess because they're very flat it's a very still you're a bump you're a bump in the landscape i think what you should do is lie down in a bunker we'll get in that bunker right that's what it's called that's why it's called that i mean the sand pit they're called it's called a sand well you're not supposed to go you're not supposed to stand under trees in lightning storm because the lightning can shatter the tree and just kill you i think more importantly you can get electrocuted probably because you're just you'd be of another conductor for the lightning once it hits you want to be in your car right during uh if you if because the because right? I think a car is good. The tires will insulate you and stuff like that.

That makes sense. What about having your windows open during a thunder and lightning storm? I tend to stay away from the window. I know that one time we were... This was when me and Mrs. F were going out. This is quite early days. This was in 1995. And there was a big thunderstorm over her house.

And where she lived at the time was quite sort of rural. And there was a field in her house. And we'd watch this thing about how lightning finds its way to the ground. And it sends out, if you ever watch a slow-mo of a lightning bolt, you see all these other little tendrils coming off it. And they're all trying to find a route, if you like. Not like intelligently, but it's just when it finds the optimal route, the lightning is naturally conducted along that channel.

And you'll often see and hear these little clicks around you that are like static. And that's probably one of the feelers finding its way down sort of thing. Because we were looking out the window and we heard this massive click like it sounded like like sort of like a snap like a genuine snap right near us just as the lightning hit the ground and we figured that might have been one of those sort of little feelers that the lightning puts out before it uh hits the ground and decided that hitting me in her window looking out at the thunderstorm was not as pog as just smashing into the ground so that's what it did holy crap lightning's terrifying nature good old nature i always forget like how um how badass it is it's not like you see footage of like flooding

and stuff you just realize holy crap like if if where i live decided to flood like what can you do there's nothing you can do about it. It's just going to absolutely wreck everything. Didn't we speak about this the other week? The one cubic meter of water is a ton. Yeah. So when you see those rivers going along and it's not very deep, it only needs to be a meter deep.

And that's tons and tons and tons. And all the water behind it pushing it because you can't compress water. No. It ain't going anywhere. So it's just going to shove everything out way you got no chance you got no chance water is uh amazing stuff it really is yeah it's bad especially well especially when it's fucking coming in through your fucking ceiling on the old bloody boiler speaking of that i better actually go because the plumber is still due over five days later.

Oh, excellent. Yep. You can always trust tradespeople for sure. You've got to get ready as well. You've got to get your turtleneck. Get your waterproof turtleneck on and everything. Like, come on. Get that tin of beans ready.

Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, we'll be back. This will be the last proper podcast in a while because of the old chips away. The summer vacay. We've got some other stuff. Summer hiatus.

We've got some other stuff prepared. We've got some mailbag episodes. We've got some random junk. Yeah. Extra crap that we recorded. So enjoy that and we'll see you soon. Have a great summer. Enjoy these couple weeks of summertime, P-Flex.

Enjoy your- You guys too. Everybody have a wonderful summer. Thanks. We'll meet up on the other side. We'll have tons to talk about. Oh, man. So much to talk about. It's exciting. Keep it diary. I've got a new boiler have a wonderful summer. We'll meet up on the other side. We'll have tons to talk about. Oh man, so much to talk about. I've got a new boiler going in

this summer. I've got a new water tank on the subject of water tanks. We've got a little trip planned. Keep a journal. Keep a diary. I want to hear from you guys. Thank you everyone. See you soon. We love you. Be good to each other.

Bye! Well, look, thank you, everyone. See you soon. We love you. We'll see you soon. And be good to each other. Bye. Bye.