Triforce! - Triforce! #26: Boonos Aires
Episode Date: November 23, 2016Everybody hates Raymond, a hobo Christmas, being traumatised by Planet Earth. It's the Triforce podcast! The new Bodega t-shirt is out now: http://bit.ly/BodegaTee  Music courtesy of Epidemic Sou...nd. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Hi, everybody. Welcome back to the Triforce podcast.
Here we are. It's been a long time.
How long has it been exactly?
Three weeks.
Has it been three weeks?
I think it's been three weeks.
And this won't go out for another week, so it will be like a full month.
Almost a month, yeah.
Jeez, that's crazy.
It's good. We've got a lot to talk about.
We have.
Well, you say that. i mean i i don't like
i've got less to talk about than ever now like we went on a trip nothing really happened we came back
nothing happened really and now here we are with nothing to talk about so let's start with blizzcon what what did you guys get up to at blizzcon how what were you doing the
whole time pflex by the way yeah yeah somewhere this this is probably more interesting than our
trip what did you get up to while we were away on a trip when over the last three weeks because
you went on vacation the week before we went yeah you were away remember it was half term you were away let me let me check my calendar because i can't remember back that far
this is what happens when you get old yeah the time slips away from you oh i went to uh i went
to italy oh and i went i went to rome with mrs f just me and mrs f was it was it exactly like
everybody loves raymond when they go on the trip to Italy? I haven't watched the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.
It was actually a two-episode miniseries where the whole family goes to Italy.
I mean, it was just as bad as every other episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.
Oh, we're in Italy now.
Oh, this sucks.
Oh, I can't get good coffee anywhere.
Raymond, we're in Italy. There's good coffee anywhere. Raymond, we're in Italy.
There's good coffee everywhere.
Oh, I'd love a cup of coffee, man.
Oh, fucking everybody loves him.
Raymond, tell your mother to shut the fuck up.
I'm sick of telling her myself.
God, it's such a hateful show.
I think Ray Romano is clinically depressed that he's got to be he just
seems to hate life and no i think he's just a dick i don't think he's depressed i think he's one of
those people that just hates everybody else and everything they do like a lot of comedians are
like that i think jerry seinfeld is like that as well those are if you're an observational comedian
or a comedian who jokes about like regular shit you have to be
someone that is annoyed by and notices every tiny stupid little thing that people do yeah and sort
of looks down on it enough to make fun of it i'm i mean i'm a big fan of seinfeld right i love the
show david is is probably a thousand times more concentrated than that as well in noticing
people's isms yeah exactly so i mean i think
that ray romano and guys like that they just hate everybody and i think they they have a big ego and
they're like this guy i don't like the way he eats a sandwich this is a fucking deal with it just shut
up you don't have to make a show about how someone eats a sandwich in a slightly wrong way and the
thing is i think they know it's super petty right i mean they do it anyway you say
that but there'd be no seinfeld if it wasn't for that and i know i'm super grateful that seinfeld
exists i'm not i'm not at all grateful that everybody loves raymond exists no but they're
different i think inside it's more like i mean kramer is such a great character and elaine is
like they're all good characters they're all funny and you're kind of rooting for them all right even though they're also horribly petty the point is
the other people in the show say to them you're crazy like that's disgraceful and that their
behavior is picked up on yeah nobody loves raymond it's just this awful dysfunctional family with
this objectionable horrible character that i just can't stand it's oh i just i just hate it it's so on my
mom loves that show really yeah i've never met a person who loves that show like for me that show
was just on and obviously people watched it because it's on all the fucking time like it's on tv here
every day for christ's sake yeah and like you know there's a big culture gap there where you know i
think i think it was like seinfeld like seinfeld didn't translate
super well in england you know like you'll meet a lot of people in england who've just never watched
it or just or they didn't like it yeah and didn't get but for some reason everybody loves raymond is
somehow more relatable it's it's on tv every day here seinfeld yeah maybe it's so weird i don't
know yeah it's a it's a pretty weird show you are right i mean
frazier's on every day here and i think that's a great show that is a classic that is a classic
really really good um but yeah everybody loves like frazier does stupid shit in the show right
and so he you know he makes bad decisions he's selfish but the other characters pick him up on
it that's the thing you need that balance the character was just, they're just all horrible,
which is what everybody loves.
Raymond seems like to me,
he's got this awful mother,
the terrible father,
the brother and Raymond and his,
his poor wife has to put up with this fucking idiot.
I just want to shake her and say,
get away from this guy.
He's dangerous.
He's going to ruin your life.
I mean,
another show where all of the characters are terrible um not not like not
not badly acted or whatever i mean i mean just like their personalities or whatever are are
you know terrible is always sunny in philadelphia but that show is fucking hilarious i have never
watched it it's super good like you should you should you should watch it it's funny it's amazing
it is yeah okay it gets it gets one of these shows that gets actually better with age as well.
And actually the seasons get better as it goes along.
Cause I didn't,
I didn't watch community until it had been out for like years.
I've never even watched community.
Isn't Chevy Chase in there?
It is actually good.
Yeah,
it is good.
I was surprised.
Cause if I,
like if you tune in for an episode randomly,
it means nothing.
I saw like a poster for it.
I saw Chevy Chase didn't look anything like he looked in National Lampoon's Summer Vacation.
I was like, nope, I'm not watching that.
I don't want to see that.
I'm scared by the ravages of age.
I don't want to know.
It resonates with me.
I think that's me.
I look at myself like five years ago.
It's like, I don like, that's me. I look at myself like five years ago. It's like,
I don't look anything like myself.
And it,
you know,
I don't want to see Chippy like that.
Yeah.
I get it.
I get it.
I don't want to see Chippy like that.
It is worth seeing though.
It's a funny show.
Yeah.
It's great.
So Rome.
Yeah.
We went,
we went around Rome for like,
we were there for like three or four days and stayed in this nice hotel.
Rome is great. Like I loved it. It was very, very, very pretty. Rome's fantastic. God. around rome for like we were there for like three or four days and stay in this nice hotel rome is
great like i loved it it was very very very pretty rome's fantastic god they drive like lunatics
yeah and and everywhere like you'll be on an alleyway having a cup of coffee in a cafe sort
of thing and a guy goes past in a car yeah scooters man they love scooters over there too
eh they do oh bloody do that stereotype is is totally deserved
it's a hundred percent like and the hand waving all that stuff they they do that they really do
that they all talk with their hands they're all like hey benny how could you do this they're sort
of waving their hands and stuff like they really do they do it they're waving their hands just like
this watch listen listen very carefully i can hear it yeah i can hear the air dispersing yeah
um and we went to the vatican um obviously i'm not a religious person at all no it's worth going
in terms of a building or a series of buildings to see it's unbelievable yeah and the main bit
we saw was the uh saint peter's basil, which is this ridiculous church.
It's like, it is like something out of Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings.
It's just so incredibly big and grand.
Yeah.
It's just ludicrously high.
And there's this altar.
And the whole thing about the Catholic church seems to be that if you're going to have a
floor, make it huge and marble.
If you're going to have a ceiling, make it like the floor make it huge and marble if you're gonna have a ceiling make
it like the highest one there is and marble and if you've got some marble lying around
put it put it somewhere like don't waste marble get marble everything and then if there's an
altar you know the bit where the priest does the altary stuff yeah let's have an altar okay let's
make it 40 stories high and he can stand at the top and throw marble down on the assembled crowd that
pretty much what happens the whole place was just ridiculous i couldn't believe it churches are
really hit and miss like that because sometimes you go to a church and the altar is really crappy
you know it's just like a just like a block of wood and it's boring but then other times you go
to church and like you said it's like you think that's appropriate man honestly i'd rather go to the marble one because like but the point is that's not in the religion
i want to be wowed well the commandments wasn't pizzazz i'm not i'm not there to learn or listen
to anything okay i want to be blown away i want to have an experience all right and part of me having experience is being
visually stimulated by a massive altar you're not meant to be you're meant to be spiritually moved
and you're like jesus was a humble dude right i think that that would help move my spirit though
if i was wowed visually like that you know so you you go to church one day and jesus is given
the sermon but he's like he's just wearing the white robe all right that'd be different though it's that's actually jesus okay wooden altar but you
don't know it's jesus i would know it was jesus all right he's got the beard and the long pizzazz
i'm fucking bored over here can we get some fucking glam up in here jesus jeez it's so fucking boring no but honestly i'd rather go to like the nice one
than like the shitty you know like churches in in north america i don't know if you've ever been to
them but they're lazy man they're just like shitty fucking buildings that were probably meant to be
like a grocery store and then they just had a change of heart at the last second they're like fuck let's just make a church who cares like they don't even look churchy and like the insides are
like really fucking weird and boring and the altars are all made of wood and stuff like
european churches are where it's at i think a church should be simple pick any european church
and it's older than america i know but like you know you think that
they could have done like a an homage to like the old churches and not like styled them up well i
think there's a lot of problems with those old style churches they get very cold and they're a
bit weird and i don't know like it's just they're not very easy to kind of you should be cold at
church you should be free i've spent a long time freezing my balls off in church like
no totally i think in italy though i don't i don't think i 100 agree with like what p flex said
right i i think that having an extremely grandiose church reinforces that power of god okay it's like
that he's almighty he's he can't be wrong like yeah we've got we're so powerful we're so rich
here's just a really elaborate
showing of that it's terrible that's not the message the the this the message was that i'd
be like i honestly think if you wanted to be yeah here's our reliquary with the golden
blinging medallion we didn't get enough donations last year and all we could afford was this fucking
boring piece of wood um do our praying from.
You've corrupted the message of our Lord
and Saviour Jesus Christ. No, man.
Yes. It's a temple of worship.
Thou shalt not worship
graven image, sir.
Graven. What soe'er
that means. And I think
that having
a fucking basilica, right on the on the floor of the
basilica man as you're walking along there it has a stone to say this is how long saint paul's is
and this is how long some other cathedral is and here's another one look it's not as long as this
one is it okay there's this one it's got all the other ones in the in the world you know why this
is the biggest one yeah you know why they build them big okay because old god is up there in the in the world you know you know this is the biggest one yeah you know why they
build them big okay because old god is up there in the clouds looking down you think he's gonna
see like a little fucking townhouse made of wood as a church he doesn't actually have to look with
his eyes he doesn't he's always looking he's he is he's just like what is that he's gonna be the big ass church okay with
the marble he's gonna see that it's huge by binoculars i think they built a really small
wooden church i want to see it those heathens have erected another wooden church mama
it's tiny boo blow it up blow it up. Blow it up. Smite it.
It's not like you when you're spotting animals in the garden.
What was it you were saying?
You couldn't see them?
They're too far away?
Man, what is that?
Fuck, I don't know.
That wasn't me.
That was Lewis, I'm sure it was. That was you.
I remember it really well.
I wanted you to do a nature documentary where you didn't leave a lawn chair.
You just have a lawn chair in the middle of the garden.
And at the end of the garden, I think, is that a newt?
Fuck, I don't know.
I can't really see it from here.
Something.
Ah, shit.
Have you guys watched Planet Earth 2 yet?
No.
I saw you jizzing on Twitter about it, though.
Is it good?
It is so good.
It's jizz-worthy twitter about it though is it good it's so good it's jizz worthy
it's incredible okay like it i mean apart from the fact that i don't know how they keep managing
to find animals that i haven't seen before in a nature program like all right there are 10 years
you say that you know the ocean they've only explored like 10 of the ocean who fucking knows
what's down there like alligators the size of like a building and
stuff i'm telling you it's probably not alligators in the ocean i would wait it was just an example
i'm not getting technical i'm just saying like who knows what's down there
i think we found all the cool stuff no i think down there it's just gonna be
slugs and snails and worms and shit. Some of them are crazy.
Like they eat sand and stuff.
Yeah.
You know what?
That's the future nature documentaries.
When they find it, we found a new animal.
Everyone was like, ooh.
And they're like, here it is.
And it's just like a blob.
It's just like eating itself.
It doesn't have any eyes, but it doesn't need any.
It just lives at the very bottom of the ocean.
This remarkable creature.
Next!
Doesn't look cool, doesn't look cute. We've scraped the bottom of the barrel of the ocean
to find you all of the things that we didn't show you before.
We have a collection of slugs with no eyes.
Snails.
Weird slime puddles.
Sea worms.
And probably the biggest fucking alligator you've ever seen in your life
i heard it was quite metal like quite quite kind of quite cruel as in nature kind of yeah
i watched it with the kids quite adult i watched i watched the first episode again with the kids
um we've got we've got a nice big telly it's it's beautiful hd picture and everything so it's like how big is it it's it's huge it's the size of a big a big alligator how
many inches traumatic for them is like a 50 incher i don't know what the the dimensions are it's
fucking big it's like you could use it as a table is it a curve does it curve no no no it doesn't
care but so we're watching it my eldest one of those she's like she's she's like seven and a half she fucking loved it right okay my one who's nearly five she was in tears
pretty much the whole time because there are a lot of like animal like uh predator predatory
animals not really she's got a tough one up there so i said to her i said to her listen
i said to her listen sweetheart nature is cruel, listen, sweetheart. So she posted a titsy video, like, you're going to watch the rest of this for five minutes.
I said to her, listen, sweetheart, nature is cruel.
I said, you've got to learn that these animals, I said, like, if you haven't seen it,
there's a scene where there's an iguana, baby iguanas,
and the baby iguanas hatch up out of the sand.
And my kids were like, oh.
And then they're like, and then come the snakes.
And these snakes start coming at them.
And the iguanas have to run up the beach to get to their parents who are like watching from the rocks like god son you can do it and the snakes
are chasing them that's the worst part about nature documentaries because it's like a really
shitty sports diet school it's incredible there's there's no like they get to the point where like
the baby iguana is going to get eaten by a snake and the lead-up is like two minutes of basically
silence and for
those two minutes you feel so fucking helpless you're just like oh shit it's just gonna happen
like i can't do anything i have to sit here and watch this even attenborough's just not talking
anymore he's done and then fucking it happens and then the baby guana dies and you're just like
and then it's like so cruel mother nature mother nature. Fuck, no, not again.
Another one bites the dust.
That was her reaction.
She was literally in tears.
She was trying to get away.
And I was like holding her.
It's like, no, you must learn.
And my eldest was going, yeah, you got to learn about the snakes.
You're like holding open her eyelids.
No, I don't want to watch this.
And then they did have a bit where these penguins live on this island.
And it's like the largest penguin colony in the world.
It's fucking huge.
It's like this volcanic island.
And the entire coastline is just like ragged, jagged rocks.
And the penguins have to time it.
So when a big wave crashes against the rocks,
they throw themselves in it and get swept out.
But they have to reverse that process to get back in. They've got to ride the wave up to the rock and just themselves in it and get swept out but they have to reverse
their process to get back in they've got to ride the wave up to the rock and just try and jump and
cling on and they get dashed against the rocks and they get covered in blood and they're like
dragging themselves around and i was like okay now you can go like this is too much watching penguins
get fucked up on a rock penguins are crazy though like i i saw that march of the penguins documentary years ago
and like holy shit the fucking shit that penguins put up with is unbelievable they are incredible
animals they really are it's it's insane like i i don't even know how they do it i don't know how
they manage to have babies and make more penguins and stuff it's it's insane like they live in the
harshest conditions ever and they starve they
virtually starve to death every year because they have to just wait for shit to like come about so
that they can start eating again and stuff and it's it's insane who would want to do that it's
well i know they don't want to they they don't know any better or whatever but fuck it's just
bonkers to me that that something managed to find that foothold.
Like there was a niche in nature that said,
you know what we need is a flightless bird,
which can fuck off in the first place.
And then it can barely walk, right?
It's like this fat waddling thing that can't fly.
It can swim real well, but it has no arms to climb. And it has to get down from a cliff,
and then it has to swim 50 miles, And it has to get down from a cliff.
And then it has to swim 50 miles, which is how far these penguins swam.
And then it has to come back.
And in our colony of tens of thousands of penguins, find its mate.
Man, I don't know if you've ever seen penguins at the zoo or whatever. But to add insult to injury, after all of that, they fucking stink so bad, too.
Like, they shit everywhere it stinks
it's putrid it's awful and i just think like give these penguins a break give them something a break
give them some redeeming feature i guess they don't even have a nice song they have a they're
good at swimming though oh they're the best man they're like they're like torpedoes when they get in there yeah but they don't don't spend a lot of time doing it which is weird yeah you know i just
i just feel like that evolutionary path for penguins because they've got those little vestigial
wings right so there must have been something further back in the line that was a flying bird
yeah and then at some point that branched off and that branch was like fuck flying i know i'm a bird and i know that's bird heresy but i'm taken to the seas and just
decided to be a swimming bird i'm like wait man maybe maybe they were banished from the skies
because maybe they didn't fucking opt for the marble and stuck of course what i got to create
them bear that in mind you know What the fuck are you talking about?
So, you know, he obviously just.
If God created penguins, he fucked up, dude.
What was he thinking?
What kind of design decision is that? Maybe that was like one of the first things he created.
He's like, I'm a little anxious here.
I'm not very good at this.
Let's just try this out and hope.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
Well, we'll learn from our mistakes and make better things
next time make like maybe put them on a quiet island out of the way no one will notice
hopefully nobody ever finds these things because they're just they're not my best work it's
oh man anyway so rome what what else did you get up to in Rome? We walked around a lot. Like we just walked, we ate, like, yeah, obviously lovely Italian food
every day and just hung out and it was very romantic and very nice. And it was, it was good.
Sweet.
It was good. And then got back and obviously we had the, we were going to go to, I don't know,
I shall not mention its name on Friday, the Friday of in,
in October.
You know what I'm talking about?
Friday the 13th?
No,
no.
The thing I was going to go to,
I don't want to offend anybody.
It was the thing that we were all going to go to.
And it was,
it was canceled.
Oh,
Comic-Con.
Don't say it.
Oh,
sorry.
Right.
That's what we're going go oh shit yeah we're
gonna go won't you your kid was really excited she was very excited yeah did you just did you
just tell them that they had a um no i told them i told them the whole story the thing wasn't just
they just closed it down yeah i told them the whole story no no i told them the whole honest
story and there was alligators there and yeah there were penguins but not the good guy they couldn't
get the penguins to show up swamp and then it was my mate's 40th birthday and i got absolutely
hammered nice um and spent the next two days recovering and then halloween obviously which
was great fun i live in a neighborhood full of families and stuff so halloween is really good
and some people really go to town i did not no. No, but my kids did. My eldest went as a vampire queen.
Okay.
And the youngest went as a zombie tennis player.
Her idea.
Nice.
And she just wanted to be a zombie tennis player.
I don't know where she got it from.
But so I had to get her a little tennis outfit,
a little tennis racket and everything.
Man, maybe she likes Tim Hinton.
He's like a zombie tennis player.
Yeah. Or was. He was. Yeah. And then we had Guy Fawkes. and everything man maybe she likes tim he's like a zombie tennis player so yeah or was he was yeah just a commentator now guy forks day which was a good oh we were away for that so of course
guy forks night every year gets more and more forgotten about because it comes so soon after
halloween yeah it's like there was that one year where that fireworks factory blew
up you remember that and that was like the ultimate one nobody could top that one what
are you fucking talking about so so ever since the fireworks factory blew up yeah everyone was
like oh shit what are we gonna have to do next year like blow up two of them or like and then
and everybody just sort of said ah fuck it i don't think the fireworks actually blew up on guy fawkes day i'm pretty sure it'd be a bit convenient wouldn't it no i'm sure it did
though like that i remember clearly this happening at some point they were like that's it there's no
top in it we're done it's done yeah man that thing just blew up constantly for like 12 hours
like it was insane like just when they thought they
were like okay i think finally nope nope it's not done it's just like every time the fire brigade
wanted to go in they were like no no you never approach a firework even if you think it's going
out roman candles were just going like crazy and oh man yeah it was pretty pretty devastating you
know what they need to get they need to get a dad
he'll walk up to a firework that should have gone off and hasn't because that's what dads do
the kids go no dad you must you're like don't worry kids i've got this and just praying please
don't explode in my face that's exactly what's yeah you don't want those things going off in
your hand holy shit it's such a dad i remember my dad doing that as well just we were all like no
dad don't go back there and he would just sort of did he have like the big did he have the big sand pit like in
your backyard and nobody was allowed to go close to it he'd have to like launch them and stuff no
my mom used to get me because i mean obviously my parents were divorced so there was there was no dad
to hand so i had to i had to step up i've been a dad most of my life god damn it like in spirit
so i had to go up and i did the fireworks because my mom and my sister didn't want to go near the
hair yeah exactly i was dad at 25 doing those fireworks man the responsibility before your
your your time before you're actually a dad yeah yeah holy shit but it's so i can't go and like
fireworks that's not a mum thing. No.
Mum's the one that says, careful.
You need that.
From inside.
Like from the kitchen window.
Behind the door.
Careful out there.
Careful.
Don't burn yourself.
I'll be 20 feet away if you need me.
Through the window.
I don't trust you guys with anything.
I always thought it was probably more dangerous to be behind a window
because if the firework did fire at you, the window would smash.
Yeah, but windows don't shatter now.
Single pane windows do, but if you've got double glazing,
it does that thing that windshields do.
It just cracks a lot, but none of the, like no fragments go flying or anything like that.
It's all contained.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's good to know.
It's got like some sort of film over it or something that holds it all in.
So you'd be fine.
But like, yeah, it was like back in the 1940s or something.
You're dead.
Yeah. something and you're dead yeah single plane a single pane um of glass shatter and stab you a
million times directly in the heart and probably your face too so you'd be dead my god yeah maybe
oh i suppose so yeah we always used to buy fairly low powered crappy fireworks um that were were
they the indoor fireworks no we mean we had some indoor fireworks
as well at the crisps and things but not you know we didn't have like we didn't live in a block of
flats and the best thing we could do a guy folks night was have some indoor fireworks like i
remember a friend of mine invited me around one time for fireworks night and i was like he's got
yeah we're gonna have fireworks i was like oh cool and it was just a single pack of the indoor fireworks like the the weird thing that you light it's like a tablet
and the snake comes out of the top of it it's like the least the most underwhelming thing
it's just a chemical reaction it produces a shitload of this weird black foam that's it yeah
i was so disappointed there was a firework that literally looked like a quality street chocolate
or something you know and you light
it and it just it turns into a gigantic like dog poo that's what it looks like it's so weird
the dog poo firework what a fucking what a great thing like in canada and and well and in america
well canada on the first of july is canada day So that was like our firework day. Like that's when you do your fireworks.
And throughout the year, not really, you know, it was just Canada Day.
And New Year's, New Year's Eve, like fireworks as well.
Oh, yeah.
But Canada Day was the big one.
I remember like they do like massive fireworks,
like from Parliament Hill and stuff in Ottawa.
And I guess the 4th of July is the American one
where they go out and they buy all their humdingers
and zizzle fraggers and whatever, you know,
the ones that rip up the sky and stuff.
But I don't know, like it's weird.
Like we didn't really like, it wasn't like the done thing.
Like over here, people buy like a lot of fireworks in France, I guess,
and bring them back over here and make a big deal about launching them
in their backyard and stuff and all throughout.
Why do you have to go to France?
Well, that's the done thing over here in Jersey.
Well, Bastille Day is July 14th, isn't it?
And they have a lot of them left over after that.
They're pretty cheap and pretty big as well.
I think their rules on fireworks are a little bit less than ours yeah some people do that but like yeah it's pretty
weird i don't know there's like where i grew up anyway there wasn't like a lot of like homebrew
fireworks like you just went downtown and watched like the real show you know it was kind of today
this kind of thing where you did have fireworks yourself in your garden no is that the kind of
no nobody really did that not where i lived anyway that was definitely a thing we did and halloween wasn't
really a big deal at all when i was a kid no it was for us like in in north america halloween's
fucking huge like what was when i was a kid anyway like we had pillowcases full of candy like it was
nuts when i when i was in new york it was big and then i came over here and nobody did it and i was
really disappointed it's only like it's only in big and then i came over here and nobody did it and i was really
disappointed it's only like it's only in the past couple of years over here i'd say that it's gotten
really big yeah yeah and it really does overshadow uh guy fawkes night because it comes so soon after
it that you just sort of everything is all halloween out the ass because they yeah you know
it's such a seasonal holiday where you decorate everything and and every you know every
shop now has spider webs and stuff in it and cobwebs and halloween specials i guess guy
fort's that has never really had that branding well this this year was the first year where it
was the double whammy and it caught me a little bit off guard i went into we went into a store to
buy a couple of halloween things because when you have kids they want to like decorate the house and
they you know they look forward to trick-or-treating and stuff.
And that's all fine and stuff.
So we go in and we go in to buy the stuff.
And right next to the Halloween stuff, it was like a half and half.
There was Halloween stuff and Christmas stuff.
I couldn't fucking believe it.
Like it was crazy.
This isn't even at the end of October.
This is like halfway through October leading up to Halloween.
even at the end of October, this is like halfway through October leading up to Halloween.
They're already selling like fucking singing Santas and just like,
just all of this.
Oh,
it was not fucking crap.
Yeah.
We were in Jesus.
We were in America and there was literally like two whole aisles full of
Christmas crap.
Yeah.
And we were there on like the,
the third of
november or whatever it's like holy shit it's not it's basically two months of and they're playing
like christmas music as well it's like it's like two months of the year is now christmas yeah which
i guess i i like christmas don't get me wrong i love christmas i think it's a really it's that
whole thing that that that danish word huge huge huger yeah that's a big word now it
means like comfort and coziness um and it's and i i really feel that whole vibe you know come come
january like you know it's just cold and miserable and wet and freezing and shitty i'm like oh fuck
i don't feel any kind of coziness at all but yeah you know the whole way through christmas i'm just i'm full on
just i love it i love it a bit so actually do you know what i'm not i'm gonna say yeah it's a bit
early but i actually i don't really mind i do i like like the week of christmas i like like
christmas eve christmas day boxing day and like the couple of days leading up to the new year or
whatever i i don't mind like you know
if you if you have a like a normal nine to five job normally if you're lucky enough you can get
that time off so you just you know lays around a lot eat there's lots of movies and stuff on tv
that you can just watch during the day and stuff it's pretty cool i like that time i hate the
fucking lead up like it drives me nuts i hate the fucking stores and all the shit and all these fucking weird frothing people buying up all this shit all the time.
And like,
it's nuts.
It's like the stores aren't going to fucking close.
Like you don't,
you're not preparing for the fucking end of the world here.
You know,
like just act normal.
Like it's,
it's just fucking Christmas.
Like you don't have to lose your shit every year leading up like three weeks before christmas it's crazy like people yeah
so you decorated your house for halloween and then i guess you have to take all that down and
then decorate for i mean we didn't decorate the house what we decorated the front door we put like
some spider webs on right some fake spiders that you'd like carved some pumpkins no no and then
like i know your i know your son is like
Halloween could,
you know, forget Christmas.
Yeah.
If you just had a long Halloween,
he'd be delighted.
Yeah, he'd love it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But no, like Christmas,
we put up a tree
and like we put up
a couple of things,
but we don't like put lights
all around the house.
And that's another thing
that's not like super popular
over here.
I don't find any way.
Like in North America,
putting Christmas lights
on your house,
holy shit, like every house has them pretty much, especially if you're out in the suburbs and stuff. But over here i don't find any way like in north america putting christmas lights on your house holy shit like every house has them pretty much especially if you're out in the suburbs and stuff but over here not so much you don't see like that many houses like fully fully decorated
with lights we generally we generally put a string of lights around like the windows and door frames
and stuff like that and some outside but um i don't put like nothing that
flashes on and off like it's a nice steady not like peaceful glow i don't like this vacation
where you drain the grid sort of i hate that i hate any flashing lights yeah offend offend me
greatly a light should be steady what about it what about a homebrew nativity scene outside on your front lawn is it is that really weird or or
insensitive in some way or offensive then yes like the weirder and more offensive they are the better
i think yeah make them just bonkers but but made from a point of view the person doesn't realize
it's bonkers those are my favorites when you see something that's just like, why is E.T. putting the baby Jesus here?
That's what I like.
Right.
Do you like hiding weird shit in Christmas decorations? I found a lot of trash in my garden and I made a nativity scene with it.
Why is baby Jesus a container of bleach?
I don't get it.
The three wise men, Coca-Cola, pepsi and dr pepper has come to pay
tribute and dr pepper don't be fooled he's a legitimate doctor as well
it's like a hobo's christmas
yeah i find i find people like extra irritating around christmas i i don't know what it is like
you can just sense like how crazy they're going
as well like the stress is building up there's a lot of pressure they probably have like family
flying in from fucking who knows where to stay with them for a week and stuff and these people
are buying like four turkeys and like just all of this shit you're like oh fuck off get a fucking
grip you know what that's that's the thing
i don't like is people who get stressed about christmas yeah like but the thing is bear in mind
that we're not seeing this from and this is going to sound sexist but i honestly think it's true
from a woman's perspective my wife gets super fucking stressed and i don't know any of my
friends wives that don't get stressed about christmas if they have family coming to stay they feel that the emphasis is on them to sort it out and if they
fuck it up it reflects badly on them because no one expects me to do shit right no one's expecting
me to sort out christmas it's always on mrs f so yeah even though i you know i do a lot for
christmas something like that and i i help out but she the emphasis is still i wear my sweater and i get blindingly i get drunk by noon but you know yeah that's my
fucking job i'm a dad it's christmas i'm gonna sit on the sofa complain about the tv and say
there's no good movies on this year what the fuck they showed this last year and whilst drinking uh
you know baileys or whatever it like mary poppins will be on for sure though you know it'll be yeah
that'll be on the kids love that movie yeah yeah we watched oliver the other day oliver the musical
wow you know oliver exclamation mark that yeah that is a hell of a long movie i'd forgotten how
long it is yeah but uh i always sing that song um that mr bumble sings when he's trying to sell
oliver to like that undertaker uh because it's such a tragic song he's actually it's like the
slave trade right with this this orphan kid and i sing that to the kids all the time if I if
I claim I'm gonna sell them I walk around singing that song it's quite funny anyway we're watching
and they were like that's that song you were singing I was like yeah this is the musical it
came from this is Oliver and they watched the whole thing like with rapt attention and they
just couldn't believe how shitty that kid's life was and it kind of made
me think that christmas is a big deal for them but really it's just another say how shitty your
rendition of it was well i know how it sounds completely different dad this is way better i
barely recognized it it has notes in it dad and the singer hits them what the fuck yeah but he was trying to copy this
they're too young to be that judgmental when they're older they could do that yeah
uh dad i just want to call into question your rendition of the uh song that mr bubble sang
in oliver uh circa 20 2014 2015 i realize now this is 30 years ago but i just thought i'd bring it to your
attention uh i've written an essay concerning your performance i made a very lengthy tumblr post
about the do's and don'ts of all of her renditions uh oh god yeah that's what's gonna happen what if
i end up as like a tumblr post my kids will be like why my dad was a terrible dad yeah it's just like some some uh
that's the fear that their friend has drawn of me hunched over a computer playing
playing dota or something i mean there's plenty of pictures like that available of us as well
so like yeah that's true you know they're going to be able to put together a pretty solid case
about how bad of dads we are with all the pictures of us. So your kids were watching it with rapt attention thinking,
Oh my God,
this is what he meant all those times when he was trying to sell us.
Our lives would be like this.
I would walk around the house singing like,
you know,
that they were like,
that I was trying to sell them cause I was sick of them sort of thing.
That's the song.
Just tease them.
Like they,
they know they,
you know,
it's funny and everything.
But,
but,
but when they saw it,
they were thinking,
is he really going to sell us to just anyone
a friend of mine's mom used to do that if if um if these if the kids were acting up what their
mom would do is she would say you see that man over there i'm gonna give you to that man over
there if you don't behave yourself and it would be like she'd pick like the creepiest weirdest guy
standing around so they they have an innate terror of strangers as a result of being told that basically they
were going to be given to one of these strangers i'm going to give you to that man over there if
you don't stop that's a good tactic actually done by dad he's on his lunch break you know
he's like fucking ground down by his job he's got the kids at home he's thinking i'll get this
little bit of a break and that woman over there is pointing at him he's just like this one sliver of sunlight every day and even now i'm
being judged by that man and his children lord have mercy it's just my lunch break
oh man poor dads yeah you gotta feel sorry for a dad. Like, yeah, I see other dads out there and I'm just like,
I feel you,
bro.
It's the ones that look like broken men.
They're the ones that they've given up.
Yeah.
They're forced to wear like,
you know,
like,
like a salmon pink dress shirt or something like that with a pair of jeans.
And you just think,
Oh man,
what the fuck happened to
you dad responsibilities it's like it's like the same thing as happens with the with the mom on
christmas though right like you know all the pressure that you have to get every get all the
food ready because the shots won't be closed and you've got to make sure everyone's got everything
and you know you don't want to get up from the from the tv and be like oh you know where's the
baileys and she goes i forgot the Baileys. Christmas is ruined.
You know, she's got all this pressure.
You bitch.
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas,
I forgot my Baileys.
Where's the ice?
I want a Baileys.
Honey, I forgot them.
You forgot the Baileys.
Christmas is cancelled.
Give me those presents back, kids.
We're leaving.
Oh, man.
Exactly.
That's the little paranoia in the back of her mind.
But yet, in the same way,
you have your dad's responsibilities, like going back to the lit firework and you know
joining joining up when the war starts i don't know yeah yeah that's pretty much it dads have
to do yeah you know yeah you're expendable right mom is needed to bring up those kids but you you
you're gonna have to go that's true in time of war they might even require a 40 year old man like me to go and uh die uh to uh you know soak up some soak up some
of the nukes yeah we know you'll be a general we know they've seen me play civ lewis they're
not gonna put me in charge of anything you're gonna be a grunt dead in seconds oh shit man anyway sips will be called up to the mounties of course yeah
gotta police those mountains you never know what's going on there you know could be like some
could be like a navy seal team or something trying to invade the mountains got to get the horse back
they put you in charge of the mountains you'd be like i think we're gonna go deep deep into the
forest we're gonna portage deep, deep into the forest.
We're going to portage the crap out of this forest way, way deep, just in case.
You guys just leave us out there.
Don't worry about us.
Okay, we'll be fine.
We're going to set up our HQ on a fortified island.
Far away from the forest.
It'll be like those members of the Japanese army who were still fighting like 30 years later.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like lost. later didn't realize the
guy in the bunker i know like it wasn't anything to do with the war but that's kind of like that
right like he's left at his post he doesn't know what the fuck is going on he's like oh shit maybe
we're winning i don't know they've forgotten about us we haven't had any any intel or radio
comms with the with the with the mainland for well about 30 years now you know those guys
those guys that were stuck on the islands those the japanese soldiers that like didn't surrender
the locals would go to them with like foghorns or loudspeakers saying the war has been over for 30
years but they thought that was like psychological warfare, though. They didn't believe it. For 30 years?
Yeah.
And so they would still commit raids and steal stuff to survive.
And they still had their 30-year-old service rifles and stuff. They would kill people from time to time.
I mean, it's seen as kind of a funny story,
but those guys were fucking nuts, man.
And in other news, those three crazy fucking guys
that think that
the war is still going have struck again this time it looks like they stole a tin of beans from old
miss maggie who was coming home she was on her way to the bus which which seems to actually scare
the shit out of these three guys they've've never seen one before. And they killed her.
They killed her.
They used the bayonet this time. It was
pretty messy. Jesus Christ.
They used the cover of
Fireworks Night to commit
a daring raid
on a local town.
They killed 55 children.
It's like, whoa.
Sources believe that the firework factory explosion
was caused by these three guys.
I don't know what the fuck they were doing.
With 30 years experience,
they'd probably be fucking ninjas at that point.
Yeah, man.
They must be training in their bunker and everything
like all the time.
But they had to get,
they wouldn't surrender until their original officer,
like some unbelievably old dude went out there and said,
give it a fucking rest, lads.
They had to get this 85-year-old guy to wheelchair him up there
to where he's fucking in the middle of nowhere and left him there, I guess.
But they were saluting and everything.
Like a honey trap.
You did your duty, back to Japan you go.
It's not their fault. It fucking is their fault.
See sense. Look at this shit the
war clearly isn't still going on lads think about it 30 years you know even if the war was raging on
occasionally if i was in the middle of the war i'd be like fuck i wonder if the war's over like
you know you just would it's just like that natural curiosity right because like it's such
a chaotic and confusing time like i guess there'd be times
where you could convince yourself that it was over and like i don't understand why those guys
didn't like it's nuts i think what they could have done was wheeled up a giant screen and projected
footage of japan surrendering and bombs falling and like color television and people saying
world war ii glad that ended back in 1945 and like just broadcast that day and night into the
jungle until eventually these guys go yeah all right maybe it's over yeah it's like it's like
the it's it's weird though isn't it like I understand in a way them not surrendering until
they got the all clear to do so sort of thing because I think I think the Japanese army was
trained that way you know like you're talking about an army with an air force where, you know,
kamikaze pilots existed.
So like these people were like pretty sort of like,
fuck, I better do it as I'm told,
you know, to the letter.
I never deviate from the plan
because I'll probably get caned or something like that.
They took it kind of seriously, you could say.
They took it pretty seriously.
They were the try-hards of their time, I would say.
They were.
Mega try-hards.
Yeah.
Man, this reminds me of a story.
So, one of the great things, one of my favorite stories about World War I is Ernest Shackleton
when he went off to explore the South Pole.
Yeah, yeah.
And he, this was after Scott's expedition after armin son had conquered the south pole
before scott and scott died on the way back with his expedition and he was this this real
uh national hero a real real solid symbol of englishness and and britishness to to you know
challenge everything and and die against you know in a sort of epic way um and shackleton kind of
never really got the the prestige as much as scott
even though he tried to do things like cross the whole pole and do all sorts of expeditions but
he was fraught with bad luck usually shackleton um anyway he was he basically went off in 1914
when before the war had started so this off august 1914 just at the very outbreak of the um of the great war
and and well no actually he said hey can we instead go so he petitioned the admiralty
to say hey can we can we be part of it and he received um a one-word telegram saying proceed
that's all so he was told to just go off on his mission okay and and do it and so he went
off to the south pole stopped at bunos aries in south georgia and it was a long trip and anyway
they went the whole way around and off to the south pole mean? Buenos Aires? Fucking Buenos Aires. Buenos? How do you pronounce?
Buenos Aires.
Buenos.
Bueno.
Kinder Buenos Aries.
Delicious.
Boners Aries.
I'm going to Boners Aries.
Could you continue to interrupt me
throughout the story, please?
So, obviously he got stuck on an ice shelf, right?
And their ships, they had to take their lifeboat off.
And they stayed on their lifeboat for a while.
They ate seals for like a year and walruses and stuff.
It was horrible.
And they fucking fought with penguins and slapped them around.
I don't know.
Kicked them around as fucking footballs.
I don't know.
They entertained themselves.
However, men stuck on an ice shelf in the middle of fucking nowhere do so in the freezing cold they have sex with stuff whatever
is available pretty much and um obviously world war one's going on and it's absolutely terrible
and he hasn't they have no idea because back in the time they just thought oh well well one's not
going to be this big deal it's just going to be over by christmas like it's just going to be a
little a little kerfuffle in europe um anyway so their boat like sank and they took this tiny lifeboat and they they rode it well like 1300
kilometers um to off to to south georgia which is also in the middle of fucking nowhere by the way
no one lived on south georgia and they didn't even know if anyone would be there and so they finally reached this um whaling station in 1916 okay after
literally climbing a mountain range so they landed on one side of the island they had to climb over
an entire mountain range on the island to get to this fucking whaling station and they were they
were absolutely wrecked and the people and so they i think they they saw you know they saw that the three of them
made it there and they all looked like in absolute shit shape and so they they came up to this
station these little kids saw them and ran off immediately and then another man saw them and
ran off immediately because they thought they thought they were like the devil or some monster
had come out of the sea and so you know they finally met this man who was
absolutely terrified of them and you know he said he said who are you where have you come from
and shackleton replied you know we've lost our ship and we've come over the island and this guy
said you've you've come over the island like what what the fuck this is crazy no one's ever come over
the island before who are you anyway he eventually said said who i am i'm
shackleton you know got a picture an old newspaper clipping or something and proved who he was
and the first question he actually asked was you know tell me when was the war over and uh the man
the man in the whaling station looked at him you know wide-eyed said the war is not over millions
are being killed europe is mad the world is mad
so that's that's that's one of the most amazing things so tackleton was such a hero can you
imagine after all of that after being completely cut off from the world and having this incredibly
turbulent trial where you thought you were going to die hundreds of times yeah doing all of this
in 1914 only to find that you know what's going on
in europe is is absolutely completely crazy it was because world war one was just yeah yeah
did he immediately set sail for the front lines to the front lines men and just straight to battle
he just led the charge where's the nearest country we're at war with?
Point me in that direction.
I don't know if he goes in his fucking rowboat again.
That's some hearts of iron shit right there.
Holy fuck.
Back in the way of rowboat man, they climb across the island again.
All right.
Well, hey, listen.
So we went on a trip, right?
And as is custom when I go on a trip that's like a week long or whatever i catch
up on tv i watched the latest series of game of thrones and man did i ever like it it was good
it was a really good one i don't want to spoil anything so if you haven't seen it stop listening
now but um for those of you who have seen it holy shit who wasn't satisfied with ramsey bolton's demise because
man it was good that guy was such a fucking dingus and honestly he had it coming holy shit
i was very happy to see him die i like the the i think that the payoff for game of thrones is
you have to watch all your favorite characters suffer and die like hodor and people like that
which was just a mind-blowing episode like that Hodor episode was the episode. That moment was such a Game of Thrones-y moment.
It was, yeah.
I think no one quite realized how emotionally invested they were in Hodor as well.
It was so great moment, but like, I mean,
all the memes and stuff had started before I'd seen it, so I knew it was coming.
I didn't know. I mean, I didn't know at all. So I was genuinely moved by it knew it was coming i didn't know i mean i didn't know at all so i was genuinely moved by
it because it was just so staggering at the moment i was like oh my god that is so good that is so
fucking good yeah so when uh and then obviously you know that like the payoff is you have all
those moments where your favorite characters get killed brutally and everything but then the payoff
is that the bad guys also die sometimes yeah that's like so cathartic when you see
like ramsey bolton or what was that other shithead the guy with the blonde hair joffrey
fucking rip he's dead too and that's been kind of satisfying as well just
cersei slowly losing everybody that you know she's such a w kind of satisfying as well. Just Cersei slowly losing everybody that, you know,
she's such a wretched cunt as well.
She's the worst.
You know, like it's good that like slowly
she's just being chipped away at as well.
Like it's pretty good.
But I guess she's like next season,
she's the chief though.
So who knows?
Yeah, but I mean, honestly,
I'm kind of sympathetic to Cersei.
Like if you look
at the people that she's surrounded by don't get me wrong she's she's a cold bitch right yeah but
so is every other fucker in in game of thrones there's hardly any good not more so than the
mountain who is just like some sort of fucking undead yeah abomination i mean she's like she's
clinging on to power and she's trying to she's always trying to protect her family Oh, she's all talking about family or rest of it
And she does genuinely just want them like she wants the same thing for them that her father wanted for her which was the only
Way to stay protected in this shitty world
That some bastards written us into is to have enough power to fuck over anybody that tries to fuck with you
And if you don't do that, they'll get to you first like that's the world she lives in
Yeah, I try not to judge Cersei based on modern standards of decency.
Obviously she's a fucking idiot and you know, you'd hate her, but she's,
she's, she's not an idiot. She's just a bitch, but she's, she's gotta be like,
she's a product of her environment. So, and her parents,
I don't judge Cersei that badly.
Jon Snow's the good guy, obviously.
Jon Snow's story is pretty cool too. snow's pretty good john john snow's story is
pretty cool too like you know like he's he he's he's a likable hero sort of thing isn't he my only
problem with john snow is that when he comes back to life i'm kind of thinking that's a bit like
when they write a character out of a series and then bring them back a series later like
uh viewing figures were falling so don't worry he's back it was just a trip that he took uh to the moon and he's back yeah but it's it's got to do with the whole sort of thing like
that robin hood guy who's um um barrick dundarian or whatever um you know he's still he's still alive
too right and he's been killed you know nine times or whatever now and in the book originally
cat stark was meant to be the next right but they that hasn't
made it into the into the tv series she was she was she was like the walking dead right she came
back talking about this i take people talking about the fucking books as if as if like it
matters like no no but there's definitely like a big different there's i couldn't care less about
that close characters i'm glad they got rid of them I don't think everything that George RR Martin touches
is gold, I think a lot of his stuff
is boring and crap
I'm not saying that at all, I'm just saying that there's definitely a big
plotline around
being resurrected from the dead
and that seems to happen to a couple of people
only
it's very dangerous to resurrect a character
from the dead because it
it makes you lose your if you're watching something in the world you're like well you know
you're basically invulnerable now aren't you it's like watching james bond all of a sudden you're
like well james bond's not gonna fucking die yeah there's no it's kind of like one of the great
things about game of thrones back in the day was that anybody could die and it was you know that the classic
death of of rob is like a really a surprise one yeah you know and and and there's loads of those
and and do you know what i fucking actually give a shit now i don't really give a shit because i
know certain characters are immune to death well no but that's that's the thing i think i think
john snow could still die and i
think that like he he needs to come back for this thing because there's there's definitely
some sort of like higher power at player or something anyway but i don't think that that
means that he's just immune from death forever now like i think i think i think as with anything
in game of thrones like once they've sort of served their purpose or run their course, they're gone sort of thing.
But equally, I'm glad that Sandor Clegane is back
because he's fucking awesome.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a great show.
I love it.
I like how it's all very much based
on all of the War of the Roses.
Like, you know, the real history of, you know,
a lot of people say, oh, you know,
if you'd like George R.R. Martin, you should read all these history books.
Like where people go through all the history of, you know, about the Prince of the Tower and all the cruel, horrible stuff that was done in the Middle Ages with all the infighting across Europe and all the politics.
And man, it was, there were some really amazing real life stories
yeah that actually fucking happened yeah and it's true if you're interested in that then i'm not
going to suggest you anything in particular yeah they do say that sometimes fact is indeed stranger
than fiction good point well spoken yeah so anyway oh my goodness now that we're now that we're getting all literary um i mean we have
bodega shirts now so there's probably no chance in hell that there's not going to be another
good by the way i fucking love some you can i don't know if they're available yet i got mine
i got one i got one in the mail it's you guys got said bodega shirts I wore them the moment I got it
I stripped boom this is going on
I fucking love it it's got my name on it lads
it's the first t-shirt I've ever had that has my name on it
yeah it's actually got his full real name on there
how about that
well so there's now a bodega shirt available
on store.eos.com you can buy that
it's the only thing we've got supporting this podcast
and
the goodwill of our listeners, of course.
Obviously, that supports us greatly.
Thank you for all your love and support.
There were a couple of people at BlizzCon that told me,
that they have small dicks.
I have a small dick.
Yeah, that was surprising, but very entertaining as well.
One man came up and told me that he had a gaping vagina.
I had a couple of those as well, actually.
And that was a joy actually but i i my kind of reply to them was you're not supposed
to say that no i play overwatch you're not supposed to say it i've been playing a lot of
overwatch and occasionally just in like the in like the match chat which is like you know the non-team chat or whatever some dude will just be
like i have a small dick yeah yeah me too yeah i get that i'll be playing squad or something like
that and someone will say hey pyrrhon in all chat and i'll be like what's up and they'll be like i
have a small dick like every time every single game it's nice i i it doesn't need the hyperion
just just i think i just like the idea that chats in games are now people are just saying that yeah because everyone else in that game is like what the fuck
you could you you'd be playing a game against somebody for like 20 minutes they'll they'll
show no sign of recognizing who you are at all and then when you're watching the cards come up
with the play the game in all chat it's just like i have a small dick you're like oh it's hilarious it's so funny
yeah it's good so um so so is there another that might be because people don't look at other
people's names in games though until maybe and i mean if it's like play of the game by sips then
you realize oh my god sips was in this game yeah true i have a small dick but i guess that never
happens though right no it's very very rare they are just coming
thick and fast these gags unbelievable yeah great value are you are you inquiring whether
there's a bodega paciente i was yeah there is a part siete part what is siete siete it's uh
it's imported directly from bun Aires. Buenos Aires.
I'm pretty sure that's how you say seven in
Spanish. Let me do Google Translate.
I always said Buenos Aires. I don't know
why I did. Maybe it's because it's one of those
words that...
Bonas in the Aries.
Buenos Aires.
How are you supposed to say it?
I think... Buenos Aires.
Buenos Aires. You have to have a little bit of a list as well. Buenos Aires. And then you have to have a little bit of a list as well.
And then you have to have a little bit of a silence.
And then in your angriest voice,
you have to say.
Puta.
Okay.
Puta.
Puta.
So bodega part siete. Would you like to hear it? Let's do it. Hang on. Puta. Good. Puta. All right, so Bodega Partsiete.
Would you like to hear it?
Let's do it.
Get ready.
Let me recline.
Hang on.
Hang on.
I'm just going to...
I'm a little bit tangled up here.
Wires.
Press the back of your chair to get it in a more comfortable position.
I've got my legs up and everything.
Okay.
All right, ready?
Ready.
Yeah, I guess.
So, hang on.
What happened last time because it's
been a little while i'll give you a little recap the last one was the prison he was in the mind
prison yeah the virtual mind prison that's right yeah escaped by channeling uh that little piece
of majesta that was embedded in his brain his former girlfriend majesta. And so he'd used that to turn into a kind of ethereal being like her
and had escaped.
So now, Bodega,
Patiente.
Majesta!
Bodega screamed himself awake for the fourth night in a row.
He reached his hands slowly to his face and yet again felt tears there.
Was he sleep crying?
Sweet jumping, jub-jub, this was not usual.
He dragged the heavy blast-proof sheets back
and sat on the edge of the bed, head in hands.
Blast-proof sheets?
Of course!
Oh my god!
Pondering.
When he'd escaped the virtual prison,
see episode 6,
he'd been forced to deploy the shard of Majestous Power
that lay in his mind,
which to that point had been dormant,
or so he'd assumed.
Now it was gone, consumed by his transformation into whatever Majesta was.
He probably should have found out the name for her people when they were together,
but frankly, that time had been bone central.
Every day, all day, just getting busy like Krivians,
and screaming around the galaxy in the disco volantes, screwing and shitting stuff sometimes.
In short, it fucking owned, and Bodega missed it.
He remembered the time they'd taken the Crooked Casino on Bismuth 11 for all its coin.
The time they'd busted those rebel prisoners out of high sec
using just a drinking straw and some chapstick.
The time they'd destroyed an entire solar system
with the doom egg of the Death Lord, Mr Pringle.
Now that was a long story.
Good times.
So many good times. And of course the constant shagging, which was really, really, really good.
Just incredible. He was getting a semi just thinking about it. Turns out Bodega missed Majesta. That little shard of her maybe kept that longing at bay. Maybe she was even kind of with
him all this time, but hopefully not when he was on the can or jerking it to Spallupian porn. He looked at the floor and saw tiny pools of tears reflecting
the light from the cockpit. In the reflection of one, he saw something move, just a teeny tiny
little reflection of something to his right. Bodega's reflexes being what they are, i.e. honed
to Flav, he dived backwards over the bed
and was up and ready in a heartbeat,
last gun in hand.
His captors had been too worried
about the Disco Volante's many booby traps
to ever board it and strip it,
so all his shit was secure.
I see you, Bodega shouted,
and I ain't in the mood for this morke crap.
Bodega said a voice, a justice voice.
He fell apart, laid out completely completely a tko of the heart baby baby
i'm hurting he whimpered i know i'm sorry my love she said he still couldn't see her just sort of
sense her loitering around the edges of his subconscious and then she was gone then suddenly
she was back behind him to the side then what felt like a mile away.
What the flav? Was she just fooling with his achy breaky heart?
Bodega, I need you to meet me, she said again, her voice distant and ethereal.
Where, baby, where? I got a subscription to Neckflav so we can chill and such like.
Oh my god.
Come to the planet Stroyer 9, at the base of the highest peak on that world, and you'll find my estate.
I'll be waiting.
The engines of the Disco Volante were at maximum burn before the full stop on the end of that sentence had faded.
It was 12 hours to the Stroyer system.
Bodega did it in three.
He spiralled down through the thick upper atmosphere, his ship roaring across the sky,
engines swirling the clouds behind him, high altitude hoverbirds
and strange floating gas bag creatures scrambled clear but Bodega ploughed on, disturbing this
tranquil place with the brutality of the warship. He practically collided with the estate in
his haste but then the ship was down, he emergency ejected out of the top and parkoured down
across the nosecone, then he was up and he was running to the gates, vaulting over them
with his jetpack, powering with his scramboots to the front door grabby grabbing the whole
flabbing thing off its hinges and knee sliding across the marble floor stopping at majesta's
feet his head down baby uh he began as he looked up and saw majesta holding a tiny baby swaddled
in a mimlock silk blanket he stood slowly removing his hat what's this little
fella's name he asked gently i named him after his father said majesta smiling why hello there
little bodega junior said bodega smiling he felt something in his heart go twang like an old guitar
string that badly needed tuning this was an unfamiliar sensation it was the pure love of
a parent for their child he looked at majesta but her expression was strange her perfect brow
knotted her lips parted no bodega after his father she said this is tan blatchman jr and with that
sentence bodega's universe imploded the end oh my god hey oh no so two things okay in this in this world of crazy sort of like lingo
for things right jerking it i felt could have been something else you know like jerking it like
you know what about like warving it or something you know like you wouldn't
know what that meant you know what jerking it means like there are some things that never change
even when you're out in the galaxy and everything's all crazy there's all kinds of weird animals and
stuff swear words might change just like they do in real life and stuff but jerking it is jerking
it that's it that ain't never gonna change also i'm i'm a little bit sort of the with the majesta shard okay yeah i feel
like it's in it's in bodega it was it was maybe maybe corrupting him a little bit while it's in
there and um man i am not on board for a story of corruption and fell okay what do you mean
corruption he ain't corrupted okay good let's just make i just want to be clear that well you think majestous the implant would have made
him evil no not evil just just somehow corrupted him to do things that maybe he wouldn't have done
it was just an escape it was a prison escape kit in his brain remember it's like yeah when uh
no i know that's what he used it for but i just
wanted to make sure that like fear not it was like a special one-off yeah you know okay it was a one
shot it was a one-shot escape plan like the like the file in the carrot cake exactly it was like
that yeah exactly man pflex this was this was emotionally charged really good it felt like i
was reading a little bit of a sexy girl form.
Oh, yeah, you know it.
Mills and Boone, you know, the classic thing that girls love to read about love and romance.
I feel like the character development is really coming together.
Yeah.
Man, hearing him do, like, speak a bit more is also great.
Yeah, he doesn't talk much.
Loved it.
Was transfixed the whole time.
Oh, good.
I think you've outdone yourself
thank you
one of the better ones
I've got no gripes
start to finish
yeah
raging boner now
loving it
I think it's time to end the episode
in that case
I've got to deal with this
it's got a lot of episode then in that case, because I've got to deal with this.
It's got a lot of emotions to sift through now.
Guys, can we stop for about 15 minutes?
See you in a bit.
I only need like two minutes.
I still have coke all over my pants. I just got to go wipe it off.
All right.
We're going to go.
Thanks for listening to the Travels Podcast this week, everybody.
Thank you. We should be back next week
All things being equal
Don't forget to buy a bodega shirt
Good suggestion
Are we allowed to say that?
They're on store.yorkskars.com
It's the crummiest thing to say
Fucking pay us money
Well we haven't asked for it
In like 20
x episodes so um yeah give us some
fucking money you bums this is free
entertainment jesus
i love the podcast while it's free
all right bye