Triforce! - Triforce! #265: The Eastenderino Mystery

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

Triforce! Episode 265! Flax overheard an incredible tale on his holiday and we're all OBSESSED with what might be the first ever episode of Eastenderinos! Go to http://expressvpn.com/triforce today and get an extra 3 months free on a 1-year package! Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

pickaxe Hosted by myself, my sips, hello, and Pyrrion Flax. Greetings. Greetings and salutations. Wonderful to hear your voices this morning. Summer's almost over. Yeah, fuck me. It's nearly done. It's been a little while since we last recorded.

Partly because you guys have been on holiday again. Well, it's the summer. I mean, that's what you do. But the summer's almost over. It is! So don't worry, guys. Oh, boy! Let's wind that back a second there, young's the summer. I mean, that's what you do. But the summer's almost over. So don't worry, guys. Let's wind that back a second there, young Brindley, if I may. So I believe you were away last week.

Not the week just now, but the week before that, you were away. I was home. You went to Corfu for like a week or two. You went away. That was two months ago. Then didn't you go to Gamescom or something with TwitchCon or some shit like that? Yeah, he went to

TwitchCon. Yeah, he did. I was away last week and Sips was away last week. But, you know, it's August. It's always like this.

It's always Holiday Central. Don't make it like you weren't also away. I've had my fair share of trips this year. I've had a lovely time i'm good had some friends staying over i've had a few people visit me and stay over actually all at once but they've

all speak all even a bit kind of very last minutes like oh i'm coming down to bristol and i'm always like oh do you want to stay at mine and they're like oh sure you know what in all the years i've been coming to bristol and and all the years we've known each other, I have never requested to stay at your house. I've never hinted. I've never sort of been like... Me neither. Yeah, just looking for somewhere to stay. I think that's cheeky as fuck.

Yeah, I do too. I don't really like when people try to stay at my place. Get your own place. We got enough people in this place. But now I'm single, it's easier. When I had a partner, it was harder to invite people to'm single it's more it's easier when i had a partner it was harder to invite people to stay you know because it's more disruption whereas now you just it's nice i'm just nice to have i should need new company yeah so um you're welcome to stay

if you want let's know i've already booked i'd love it i've already booked an airbnb also you know you don't want me staying with you because i come back super late when we go out drinking so it's you are actually yeah really um you're an inconvenient smoke you drink you i'd be a terrible house i mean actually let me be honest with you i'm a very good house guest in terms of like i don't make a mess i'm i'm respectful of whatever stupid rules you've got in your stupid house whatever they are i'm respectful yeah you would never use the ensuite bathroom exactly the guest bathroom exactly located on the ground floor things like that you know i'll be drunk a lot of the time so well that would be weird if you know if i woke up this morning and you like first thing i saw was you creeping into my own sweet bathroom i gotta take a stinky one sorry lulu

i don't want to do it in the other one oh man a little wake-up present for me all right do you i've got a story do you guys want me to get right to it or do you want to build up you know tell us about your whole hit me okay so let's get right into it uh me and mrs f went to santorini which is a an island in the i think it's an aegean island in yes it's one of these ones that I think was an Overwatch map as well. Yeah, there's a Sublime song based on it as well. It's very highly rated as a picturesque, romantic location. It's what they call the Instagram place.

People said, oh, you mean that Instagram place? I was like, so here's the thing. I booked this earlier this year as a special getaway for me and mrs f while the girls were in switzerland they were they went to switzerland with the girl guides had a terrible time terrible time that does sound terrible it was amazing like it would have been great it was just wasted on them they just all the girls will argue with each other and they've fucking fallen out and all the rest is so you know it's one of those things. So they were these beautiful picturesque mountainous landscapes in, in the lovely heat of summer in like crystal clear rivers.

Yeah. Drinking from rivers. They literally drank from a mountain stream, all this stuff. But as my daughter pointed out, my youngest, she was like, the thing is,

these are people we see for a couple of hours a week at guides. And it turns out when you spend essentially 10 days with them, including two like 24-hour coach trips more or less yeah where you know they're picking you up and driving all the way to swissland turns out you know you kind of start falling out with each other so that was gonna be there'll be some issues yeah yes uh and my eldest got sick while she was out there um so yeah it was just one of those things but while they were away i thought why don't me me and mrs f have a holiday as well like we haven't had a holiday just the two of us

in a very long time yeah uh we went to edinburgh um that was a few years ago that was just for a weekend so i thought let's do something nice i had never heard of santorini because i'm a fucking idiot i'd never heard of it i didn't realize it was this hot instagram holiday location nothing like that i had not heard of it. I don't really look for holidays. I'm not reading the travel section. Well, listen, don't feel so bad because I had never heard of it before now either. So it's just not- I've heard of it extensively.

I'm sure. But I mean, I never look for these kinds of things. I'm not really someone who obsesses about holiday locations and stuff. Right. So I tend not to notice that kind of thing. And it's a very small island. It's like a population of 15,000 or whatever. But yes, incredibly popular. We had a really, really nice hotel overlooking this sort of harbor where the main city of Fira is.

There's like four or five cruise ships at a time parked up every day. Oh, my God. People getting boated from the cruise ships to Santorini now a couple of things first of all when you land from the cruise ship they bring you out in a little boat because the cruise there's no place for them to dock in santorini it's too small so they have to ferry people back and forth there are two ways up you can either take the stairs or you can take the cable car the cable car will hold i would guess about 36 people at a time these cruise ships hold thousands of people. And they're often arriving all at the same time.

So you queue in for an hour or two to get on the cable car. It's like six cars, each holds six people. The stairs, it's about a half a mile upstairs. It's quite a long way in the heat. It's like 30 degree heat minimum. So you can ride the donkeys up if you want. Which I would not be happy with because I kind of feel bad for them. They're actually mules ride the donkeys up if you want which right which i would not be happy with because i kind of feel bad for them they're actually mules not donkeys but these things

obviously being animals like this shit a lot we walked at one point when it was quiet we walked down the stairs it stank like nothing i've ever endured it was poo in heat like hot poo on the stairs on the stairs because they walk on the steps it's like these big wide cobbled steps and the donkeys are going up and down them all day long and they're just shitting and it nobody cleans it and it never rains so it's all just getting stamped into the fucking ground oh no reeked so i just imagined all these you can't smell instagram yeah no all these instagrammers are getting off the boat oh my, oh my God, we're finally here. We can take those pictures. And then they have to endure a half mile uphill trek in heat. Stinking, stinking, the stinking stairs.

It was terrible. But the place we were staying, it was a small little hotel. It only had a few rooms. And we were in there. It was very quiet. We were like the only ones there for the first couple of days. And then this couple checked in to the suite around the corner from us. Now, we couldn't see them, but we had a sort of balcony.

And their balcony was sort of around the corner so we could hear them. So I heard this woman talking. She was speaking Portuguese and she was talking for about 20 minutes on her phone. It probably wasn't that intense. They just sound intense all the time. No, it was. It was. I thought, wow, who's she talking to? She must be talking to her, you know, fucking telling her friends how amazing Santorini is or something. But you could tell there was more to it. It was a very animated phone call in addition to what is a very, as you say, animated language.

Yes. She's with a fella and he comes out and it's clear that he doesn't speak any Portuguese. Right. So I immediately think that's a bit odd. Like, you know, I hope that she speaks some English. They start chatting and he is having to ask her questions like, who on phone? Why are you on phone? And she's like, I call family.

I call family at home. And they were like, it was literally like neither of them could have a proper conversation. So I was immediately thinking, geez, how are they a couple if they can't even really speak to each other? So she starts using Google Translate on her phone to explain the situation to grief. Yeah. So I immediately start thinking there's no way that this is a couple. She she might be a hired friend. Oh, I see.

Like a sugar baby. Yeah. So she gets on the Google Translate and she explains to him that she's on the phone to her family back in brazil right because her father so here's the the summary is her stepfather is a criminal like a big a big a big bad criminal right and her sister like hang on a second i like the idea that you are sitting on your balcony listening to everything they're saying and your your wife's like trying to tell you something and you're like no so mrs f was indoors it was she'd gone inside because it was too hot she was just relaxing indoors for a sec so i would listen a big new fact would break

and i would go in whisper to mrs f what was happening and then go back to the balcony i mean i couldn't help it i also like the idea that you've never seen these people because they're around the corner. So you're just picturing them in your mind like we are. Yeah, they're a complete mystery. I never got to look at them. So they're a complete mystery. So her stepfather is a criminal back in Brazil

and her sister has now also got herself in deep shit. But her family are refusing to bail her out. Okay. I'm hearing this all. She's like almost crying and put in portuguese into her phone and the google translate is very calmly saying my stepfather is a drug dealer and criminal my sister is also now in jail and my family are refusing to bail her out so her brother has also possibly overdosed because of the stress of this situation he's tried

to kill himself by taking too much medicine oh my god it's like a spanish soap opera oh my god telly telly what they call it's like east enderinos oh fuck so uh then she's explaining this and she says to him again via google translate and remember remember the let me see if i can type this into Google Translate and get it to read it. But maybe the editor could do it. I want you to hear this sentence. Imagine this sentence in Google Translate. Oh, God, what have I done?

I'm so far from home and have abandoned my family just for the chance of a better life. Oh, my God. That is what she said. Holy shit. a better life all right oh my god that is what she said there's a holy shit so this is crazy he is silent for some time obviously taking this in right um and then this is what he taught he says something to her i would love it if there's a big long silence and all of a sudden the in a robot voice can you suck my dick now no oh fucking hell so he's having to have a convo with her again via google translate so he says stuff in english but with it he had a strong accent i couldn't quite place it but he english

was clearly like either his first or very very close second language but he had a very strong accent either way um so he says to her i am so shocked and then he says how is it that i'm here with you it's like a dream you are god's gift and then like i at this point i'm thinking god this is this is nuts like they're they're really she's really falling apart um so they're chatting a bit more and then i can i can hear them sort of having some weird argument inside and then it settles down and they're both basically sort of sitting outside and chilling and then after a while she says to him uh this is in english this is not google translate do you have condom and he says to her don't you carry condoms

and she says no i don't do you have and he says you said you were on your period and she says, no, I don't. Do you have? And he says, you said you were on your period. And she says, you said you wanted sex in the water. The water stops the bleeding. Now, this is exactly the conversation. Oh, my God. Because I was typing this down. So I would remember it because it was so good. So first of all, him asking her, don't you carry condoms? Immediately tells me that he's expecting a woman in her line of work to carry condoms.

Like you wouldn't if you were in an ice cream truck,'d say don't you carry mr whippies don't you have extra cones yeah don't you have it don't you carry extra cones right right right like clearly he's expecting her to have them and she's like no i don't have them but he's also like wait a second you told me you're on your period so i'm imagining that at the airport they meet and she takes one look at him and goes by the way i'm on my period nothing's happening this weekend because a lot of guys will just be like oh then we're not we're not doing it some guys don't give a fuck but some guys will be like no so he says i thought you're on your period and she says yeah but you want to have sex in the in the jacuzzi like in the water because every the balconies had a little jacuzzi on him so he's clearly said to her i want to go to santorini

with you i will pay x amount and we as long as we can have sex in the jacuzzi and she was like fine and has flown over from brazil for this occasion and not brought any condominiums neither of them have bought any which is ludicrous so then the the line the water stops the bleeding so i was like there's no fucking way that's true because i know that there are special swimsuits that women wear when they're on their period so nothing leaks out all there so apparently apparently uh i mean i checked with not with the not with the prostitute but with with messes f i was like is that true she went yeah that's true like if you go swimming you're not gonna like leak blood everywhere it's not gonna come pouring out yeah she said like apparently that that's a thing but i'm pretty sure if they had i don't want to get grisly here but if they had sex it's gonna involve

water ending up in the jacuzzi i mean that's pretty fucking grim well yeah anyway yeah because the jacuzzi isn't like um constantly cycling water right you right it's just fill it up yeah and then it stays there right i mean it's going to be stuck in the water either way it's it's incredibly unhygienic and other people are going to use that jacuzzi you're going to want to clean the whole thing out i think they do usually empty them and oh yeah but still you'd have to do a thorough job i'm sure some places don't i mean they must assume that people are having sex in these jacuzzis all the fucking time so i'm pretty sure they're clean anyway they start having an argument they go

inside i can hear yelling can't hear what they're saying they come back out i hear him slap him at one point like really loud whoa then they're settling down back and forth it's going like this like i'm really trying at this point. I'm like, geez, this is getting like not fun to listen to. Yeah. So, uh,

it settles down. We have dinner. We go to bed. Mrs. F can't sleep. And at one point she goes out on the balcony for a vape. And, uh,

she's out there at about two in the morning and I'm snoring away. She's out there. She tells me the next morning when she was out there, she heard them still talking. She could hear them having sex in the jacuzzi. away. She's out there. She tells me the next morning when she was out there that she heard them still talking. She could hear them having sex in the jacuzzi. Okay? She's like, oh my God.

Now, her description, this is Mrs. F description. The prostitute is talking this guy through it. And this is her words directly, like a YouTube tutorial video. No. So she's telling him

exactly what to do. Like, as if you're describing someone how to fix a broken sink or something like that. Like, that's the level of coordination that is required to guide this guy through. At this point, Mrs. F is definitely going to tell the staff. She's like, I'm fucking sick of this. These people are ruining this. They're incredibly loud.

They're playing music on their phone all the time. That tinny, rattly music. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Brazilian girl never shuts up. Like, talking all the time like that tinny rattly music yeah yeah yeah she the the the portuguese the brazilian girl never shuts up like talking all the time and they're fucking in the balcony like come on this is too much so the next morning uh we're actually going to leave okay before this yeah let's just talk about this you you mean the youtube directions like like tweak my left nipple like harder like pull my hair hold that there put that in there

step every single step who is this guy I'm not having sex for long enough for instructions like you know like one thing is said I'm done sorry guys let's have sandwiches.

It's like you're watching a tutorial on the 10x speed you can play YouTube. So the next morning, we're getting ready to check out, and Mrs. F says to the ladies at the reception, you guys might want to have a word with the couple in the room next to us because they're really bad they went oh don't worry they're gone we were like oh wow like between last night and this one they're gone and she said oh yeah apparently he had to his flight got brought forward and he had to leave so she left as well now your flight got brought forward i okay it's something that's never happened i've personally never heard of that i'm gonna use that one yeah oh shit my flight's been brought forward i must go i literally never heard of that

my flight got it's not a thing and by like more than a day because they were clearly going to be there for a few days at least the weekend you'd think so oh yeah my flight got brought forward i've got to go sorry and she like he's fucked her and now he's out. He's like, well, I've done that. I don't want to spend a weekend with this woman. I'm leaving. That's clearly what happened. Maybe they didn't have sandwiches and he was just like,

no sandwiches. But I was just like, what the fuck? But it didn't. I mean, it was just one thing in the holiday, but it was just so bizarre. I couldn't I couldn't not tell you guys about it. It was just such a weird conversation to over here. And I just thought this has been a really shitty weekend for both. Yeah.

Like they've had a miserable fucking time. She's got this family drama going on back home and has had to have sex with this guy. He's like clearly not having the time of his life, which he expected to. It was terrible. So they made up basically and everything led up to this moment where they had sex in the jacuzzi and she was like doing like a tutorial. Yeah. Man, I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know how people do these things. It's just weird, isn't it? Yeah, it sounds awful. I can kind of picture him in my head, though, as like this sort of overly tanned, very white teeth, a fade you know longer hair on top wait so you think he was a good looking dude i think he's a i think he's a good looking dude i think lewis was the brazilian girl in the equation he was there yeah you know a little too much about him i think i i think he's a good looking and i also think she probably well i think that again she wouldn't have eventually wanted to have sex with him you know because she'd already made the excuse

the period excuse yes she set that up but then they did end up then obviously she like this is the thing that that was my my opinion my take on it was that she had either just warned him and was like but don't worry about it that was like her get out of jail freak out if you didn't find him hot that was that was her my flight's been brought forward do you know what i mean right that was that was her ready ready i'm really sorry i'm on my period this weekend so we can't have sex yeah because but then turns out when he was hot she was like oh i kind of do i just thought maybe she was bored and she thought well why not you know let's just do something because i was just gonna sit here and he's gonna to be miserable and it's going to be a shit weekend.

So I'll just fuck the guy who cares. And they did it in the jacuzzi as requested. I don't know whether more money changed hands. And he was like, I'll give you another foul and then we'll do it. Who knows what the situation is? I reckon it's a daddy baby situation. And he was like, once he once she told him all this stuff he was like i'm getting the first flight out but also i am here for the night i can't you know it's 10 p.m she's telling me this

crazy stuff but you know i'm still gonna i'm still gonna make the most of it i don't know maybe he had negotiated it up what kind of music were they listening to on their phone i imagine like it was like lots of hootie and the blowfish i don't know why not the whole thing is so ridiculous why not make it a little bit more all she was listening to was was brazilian pop all right yes yes and loud and she was singing along and you could tell he was just like like he didn't know any of this music and it's all just brazilian pop like that's it no and she's singing really loudly along with the tinny phone so we're trying to sit and relax and that's all we can fucking hear and she just talked the whole time either on the phone or through google translate to him and at one point

i remember this was a weird thing they got inside for them to come out and he was asking her some questions i couldn't really hear what he was saying but her replies on google translate were why do you keep asking me about this i've've told you, I don't like to have to repeat myself. I was like, Jesus, calm down. But yeah, it was frosty. You could tell relations were frosty for a little while there. I don't know what the conversation was, but it wasn't going well. Holy crap.

Would you like to hear the high point of the trip? That sounded like the high point to me. That was the low point. The high point was we went fishing. And you know I love to go fishing i know i didn't know you actually went fishing yeah nice how many times have you been fishing in the last five years uh once okay when do i don't get a chance to go fishing very often well this is why this is why we didn't know it's not exactly a no i mean i don't think i'm known as a fisherman, but I do love it. It's a lot of fun.

So we went out. It was a little Greek boat. You know the boat, the Orca in Jaws? It's about the same size as the Orca. That's how big the boat was. So did you book this through the hotel or something? No, I found it on TripAdvisor. So went fishing and they pick you up from your hotel in a little van,

drive you to the dock. It's not a big Island, drive you to the docks. You get on the boat. There were like three other families on there. Okay. So it was me and Mrs. F was another couple with their daughter.

It was a dad with his two kids, two of his kids. I should say his wife and his eldest did something else. And then these three old Danish people and the three old Danish people have, have been doing this trip for 15 years. Sure. And they do it three times minimum. time they come to santa rita whoa and i was like wow that's some review jesus we head out the crew there's like a crew of three or four and we go out to the nets that they'd set that morning we bring in the nets they go on to this sort of big reel you reel them

in and the fish a little fish are caught in the nets these nets aren't enormous some industrial thing they they're too small to catch big fish like dolphins and turtles and shit like that so You reel them in and the fish, little fish are caught in the nets. These nets aren't enormous, some industrial thing. They're too small to catch big fish like dolphins and turtles and shit like that. So we're not fucking with the environment. Any of the little fish, you put them back and the ones that are edible, we eat. And the one thing they really want to eat is the invasive species. So they're really happy to catch like lionfish. And there's some other pointy fuckers that are like toxic if you step on them.

And they're invasive species. So we eat those. Right. And then we're pootling along and we set up they've got like a little rock with a rope and a and a boy and they tie off to that you jump overboard and swim in the sea there's all fish around you then you get out and then you start fishing again catch some fish they'll cook them right there on the barbecue they bring out this huge banquet all this greek food and with all the fish that you've just caught, you eat that. There's free booze all day. So we're just sitting there drinking beers in the sun and then and then you go home.

It was like six hours. It was fucking fantastic. It was so nice. Everyone else was on. There was really lovely. The swimming in the sea was amazing because it's so salty and so warm that you just basically float. And yeah, there's just fish all around. And it was magical. It was absolutely magical. So that was the high point of the trip. I'd say we both loved that. Nice.

That sounds great. It was. That sounds great. It was great. Fishing is so much fun. What if you've got like I obviously worry about a few things. First of all, seasickness. Yeah, I did. I do get a little seasick. So for a couple of hours I was feeling a little headachy and I was sort of like, oh, but if you stay right in the middle of the boat,

the rocking isn't too bad. And it was just a little too. Yeah, you have a couple of beers you'll be right because you're dizzy anyway you know and then you just settle down and you're okay um but uh yeah it was it was just it was really lovely i would recommend it oh my god that sounds great we did take a boat out for a day in corfu and it was it was the best day to do that yeah it's it is just it's not it kind of feels like a safe adventure this is what i always say i like that yeah it's it is just it's not it kind of feels like a safe adventure this is why i always say i like that yeah it's like you're you're going off into the unknown you know and a little bit little bit of danger but you get like you know we pulled up to this sort of uninhabited greek

island and of course there's like cigarette butts there you know you think you're the first person to ever have set foot on this place and of course some other tourists have been here before you sort of thing but um yeah but for a moment you sort of feel like you're out in the wild blue yonder um and yeah it's it's it's lovely what kind of fish did you catch lionfish what other stuff so i i don't know i did catch there's a picture um i posted on instagram i want to confess this it's called a trumpet fish right it looks like a big if you drew a fish and smushed it it's like a big line of a fish with a very long mouth and again they were delighted to catch that because it just hoovers up the eggs of other fish that's what it does oh so it basically kills other fish before they get born so uh we caught one of those and that got cooked there were a few other

fish i did not catch i did not catch the trumpet fish i took a picture of myself holding it as if i had caught it but i didn't i caught a much much smaller fish that was all i caught it was like the size it's smaller than your hand than your palm that was how big my fish was uh but we ate that fucker anyway nice i couldn't honestly tell you the names of the fish i'm sorry you couldn't no they all basically look like fish i mean you know. Fish do be like that. Yeah, they're just kind of fishy. Yeah. Oh, a parrotfish.

That was one of the other things we caught was a parrotfish. Ah, I've heard of them. Yeah. But these are all... Lionfish, parrotfish, trumpetfish. These are all, like, pretty interesting. They sound like a fucking aquarium, dude. Yeah, yeah. It was pretty cool.

But they're just... There's fucking millions of them. It's not like you're catching the last lionfish lionfish are invasive they're not meant to be there and because nothing will eat them they fucking eat everything else so they were like these fucking lionfish i'm glad we caught a couple we're gonna eat these bastards and i was like oh okay so they they are venomous stuff that you don't get in a fucking restaurant either right these fish right i've never ordered lionfish trumpet fish no fucking parrot fish in a restaurant no i guess because they're maybe not very big yeah you don't get much so generally the way they do it is they

put it in some light batter not like fish and chip batter but just an outside coating of batter fish being fish it cooks very quickly um and you just go bam bam and then they serve it and because it's little you basically eat it with your hands you just pull fish off it and eat it and like you have to eat like four or five of these things to get a decent amount of food off them but they also had like salads and stuff like that so it was all so you're eating the skin and stuff yeah you're eating the whole fish just going for it like a fucking yeah and just you know picking the bones so it's not like you're sitting down with like a big fucking wadge of fish it's not like they're quite little it's not like a fish fillet yeah it. It's like a hand fish, like a snacking fish, you know? It's like a snacking fish. So you eat enough of those,

you're good. But it was just great. So it's kind of like having crisps. Yeah, it was like crisps. It was a lot like really big fishy crisps. But yeah, it was lovely. That sounds great. Seeing on a boat all day in this Greek weather, enjoying. I mean, just imagine it. Yeah, just imagine it. So what we want to do next time is like either you can do this thing where you go island hopping, where you just get a boat, you live on the boat and it goes between islands and you get off and swim and fish and then get back on the boat or find a nice, really quiet island.

There's one called like Hydra or something like that, which is there's no cars on the island. It's just the garbage trucks are the only motorized vehicles. You've got to take donkeys around or cycle or walk small island, just live there by the sea for a week or so and just relax. I think that would be really nice because Santorini was fucking busy, like crazy busy and full of fucking Instagram. There were loads of people. They were all dressed up to the nines and all taking the same picture

for their Instagram of them. Like, you know, the way holiday pictures. pictures yeah like taking a picture in front of x like the leaning tarapisa and people holding it up with their hand like there are 10 million photos of that right it's the same deal with santorini people go there because they want to get those instagram shots but it's already been done a million times so it's different if it's for you and you want the pictures to remind yourself but you're taking the same picture as everyone else in order to show look at me. I'm in Santorini. Here's my influencer shit It's kind of lame. I think it's just there's nothing original to it And it's all so overpopulated with exactly that kind of purse that you're essentially just doing what everybody else is doing

But instead of just keeping it to yourself now you're making it public as if it's a big deal That's that's the way I see it. Oh my god, like this you know what is it penny fan the um the welsh breckenbeacons right yeah yeah the amount of people i've seen on hinge you have that as their picture jeremy it's like has every fucking what's it called middle-aged man and woman in bristol climbed to the top of penny fan i think so and it's the same thing with like you see these sort of very because it's such a generic looking instagram backdrop like you said it almost feels like it's done like i don't know i guess what makes it unique is you in it so you have to ensure that you focus on on you being interesting getting all that getting the the perfect lighting

on your muscles and stuff yeah yeah getting yeah, yeah. Getting the oil. Getting the oil out. Oiling that moustache. Yeah, getting the profile. Yeah, yeah. Man. Oh my God, what a nice time. Yeah.

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Secure your online data today by visiting expressvpn.com slash Triforce. That's expressvpn.com slash Triforce. You get an extra three months free. Thanks, everybody. Good luck. Be safe. What about you, Sips? Where did you go? I went to Center Parcs with my family. We took our car on the boat.

Speaking of seasickness, there was no incidence of seasickness on the way there, but on the way back there was one minor seasickness. The baby puked on me again it's a four-hour ferry crossing but uh luckily she's a little bit bigger and i managed to catch most of it with a sick bag and then she slept dad reflexes wow how did you know the baby was gonna be sick they get a look they get a look on that she was getting all she was she was very

uncomfortable and yeah she had the look on her face. And then when they're like really small, it just comes out. It just projectile everywhere. But when they're a bit bigger, you get like, you know, a couple of like, you know, heaves before anything comes out. I don't know when the last time you puked was, but I'm kind of the same, you know. You can feel it coming. I'll heave once or twice and then. And the heaving sort of makes it.

Yeah. Sort of, it's almost like a relief, I think sometimes. Yeah, yeah. Because you're like, I've been feeling sick for a while and now it's finally coming and. And she was on a holiday diet. So, most of what came out just smelled like, you know, like sweets. Ice cream. Yeah, basically.

So, it wasn't too bad uh i mean it was bad but it wasn't um it wasn't as bad as the last time it happened where i was just plastered in it and i didn't have a change of clothes or anything but oh my god yeah but it was fun it was a fun it was a nice uh nice fun family trip it went really fast i couldn't believe how quick we were there for a whole week and it was just like blink of an eye it was done but it was good we went swimming and we played some badminton and we played this like uh it's like it's kind of like racquetball in a racquetball court but it had a projector that projected what looked like tetris on the wall and you had to use the ball to like smash blocks there was like a bouncing ball on the wall that you had to like you know free and there's like a space invaders one and everything so we did that it was pretty

fun that sounds great yeah yeah it was it was a good trip it was um it was nice and um we got back and then i went off to gamescom as well uh how was that a couple days after well i didn't actually go to gamescom uh we were we were Gamescom, but we got to play City Skylines 2. I'm looking forward to that. It's really good. I enjoyed it. And the event was with Paradox. They hoisted us up in a

crane 50 meters above Gamescom. So, we were all sitting on this. It's meant to be a dining experience. Yes, it's like a dining a dining experience. Yeah, it's like a dining in the sky. Yeah, like a dining in the sky sort of thing, but they put a whole bunch of computers

on and hooked it up with some internet and there was like people with cameras up there, there was drones and everything. It was quite the production. They did a pretty good job as well. I don't think anyone died. That was so... Paul asked me if I wanted to do that. And I said fuck no. Yeah, no, I mean, I would never do it again. But

it was alright. It was an experience. We got to hang out with Ravs and we drank a lot of beer and ate a lot and wandered around Cologne during our free time and then did the event. And then we were only there for like a full day and like, you know, two evenings or whatever. But it was enough. It was fine. Do you know why I don't want to do that stuff going up in the air for a bit? It's because you guys probably won't remember this.

And I doubt many of our listeners will. But Noel Edmonds had a show back in the 80s where they used to get people to do stunts and shit and you can look this up it's a pretty interesting story um this guy went up in a in a fucking crate or something like that with a bungee cord and he died oh shit this was in the rehearsal he died he fell to his death um this bungee cord was a piece of shit something snapped and he just whatever he was like in a box of some kind oh it was meant to bounce and he didn't he just died and the safety standards in place were fucking shocking it was all he was basically entire lying on this one carabiner which was like not fit for purpose um and i'm not saying that this would have happened i'm not saying you know that there was lack of safety i'm sure that the people involved with this whole stunt were

absolutely taking all the right precautions but my feeling is why take a chance yeah like apparently not i found it so the stunt was called hang them high uh involved it was the 1986 yeah uh there was a guy he had a carabiner clip attached to his bungee rope to a crane and it sprang loose during the jump he he just basically he did a bungee jump, but the cord wasn't connected properly. Yeah, it was a state. He fell and died. So I'm saying, I'm sure the people involved in the thing with Paradox were doing it right.

The Noel Edmonds people were definitely not doing it right. And there was a big inquiry, and the BBC had to step up its safety standards and all the rest of it, which you think would be pretty fucking obvious. When we were getting ready to do it, okay, at at first i thought there's no way they're sending us up in something like that i thought it was going to be like a gimmicky thing like i actually thought it was going to take place in gamescom on stage but they were going to have a green screen and

just lift us up like two feet or something because i thought there's no fucking way right they're going to send like 12 people up there. Into the sky. Yeah, I've seen this. Oh, sorry. Into the sky. Yeah, I mean, the safety on this, it's obviously been done a lot, this. Yeah, well, it's a separate company that does it. It's a company that does like the dining experience or whatever.

Or like a hotel or a restaurant will hire these guys. They'll turn up with their big truck and crane and all the gear and everything. And then, you know, so like their, their standards are probably a lot higher than say, no offense to paradox,

but if paradox were doing this by themselves with like a bunch of audio texts or whatever, maybe not as safe. Yeah. But these guys, this is what they do sort of thing. So it felt a little bit better. You got to get some experts. Yes. Yeah. And these guys, this is what they do sort of thing. Right. That's the thing, you gotta get some experts. Yes. Yeah.

And that's, I think the BBC just had some lad, like do it. So yeah, I'm not, I'm not besmirching the, the, the good name of Paradox at all. No, no, it was fine. I'm sure these guys knew what they were doing. But in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking about, cause it was a big deal. I was like 10. And I remember at that time, you think of television and these stunts as being like this amazing thing. And then that happens.

I was like, holy shit, you can die on TV. Like I could not fucking believe it. Well, there was one, there was one casualty, uh,

in the whole thing. Uh, somebody dropped their phone while we were up there and it fucking smashed a bit on the ground below. Like there was, it was just total. There was nothing left. I'm going to ask,

where did they have their phone that it was able to fall? Just in their hand. They were just, I think they were just goofing around. They were excited to be up there trying to take pictures and videos and stuff and then just slipped. And that was silly. You know,

people drop shit all the time. Oh, I know. i know this because and things fall off people like you always think i'll hold on to it but there's something about the moment like if you think about it if you're just walking around holding your phone you don't drop it that often no there's something about the fact that it could be lost forever that makes people drop things more i don't know if it's some kind of nervous thing, some kind of nervous reaction, but a couple of years ago, the Thames near us,

sometimes when the tide is really low, sometimes it goes like lower than you could imagine to the point where you can walk across the Thames in Richmond. You could just walk across. It's just, there's like, it's just puddles. It's like the whole river's dried up temporarily. There's just a little stream in the middle. And all there is along the rocky bed of the Thames around there is pairs of glasses, pairs of sunglasses, cameras, and phones that people have dropped while they're on a little boat or something, or

they just dropped it in the water. Oh, shit. So, if you think about how infrequently you drop these things at home, I don't- my glasses don't fall off my head very often. My sunglasses don't just shoot off my face. No. I don't drop my phone often or my keys or whatever. Yeah. To look in this river, you'd think that's all people do. It's just fucking drop shit all day long.

People do. I mean, the thing is, I drop and lose my sunglasses and umbrellas all the time, right? And I end up with the shit ones by accident. Like, I've got a couple of pairs of sunglasses I've had for years and years and years that I don't like wearing, but they're the only ones I haven't lost. So I end up, for some reason, i end up for some reason i keep some i can't lose them um i was walking down around the harbor the other day and i was just in my own world i noticed there was like a a little uh kid's toy like a little raccoon thing on the floor

yeah and i was like hmm and part and there was like in quite quite far away from me but the distance away was like a woman with push chair and i thought do you reckon it's hers now like i was like for some reason i maybe i'd even like seen it subconsciously fall out and i hadn't noticed it like so it was in another world but i got to it and i picked it up and i was like i reckon this is this woman so i was walking i was like power walking up to her um just but the whole time i'm power walking i'm thinking what if it isn't hers what's she gonna say she's not gonna she's not gonna scream is she do you mean yeah but she's not gonna be like so she's like making progress as well so i think that's partly why like i thought oh you know she's she's actually going fast so maybe like you know maybe she wouldn't have noticed because you know

she's like so i catch up to her and she was so grateful she was like oh, oh, my God, this is like, don't know what I would have done. He wouldn't have been able to get to sleep without this and all this, you know, all this nonsense. So I felt like I'd done my good deed for the day. I almost like was really second guessing myself on it as well. Because I didn't see it drop and I didn't I didn't know whether it was hers. But it just it was just the right the right place, right time. And I felt like I'd done my good deed. But then again, she probably would have noticed and backtracked and found it anyway right yeah maybe it's full of drugs maybe

she's a mule yeah oh yeah maybe that's why she's so grateful that is a hundred percent a sane and correct assumption to jump to in that situation yes yeah well like the sugar baby prostitute i watch a lot of movies so i watch a lot of movies so i know what i'm talking do you reckon that's the thing do you reckon that's the thing if you meet if you meet a sugar baby online from brazil and you're loaded and you're a big rich guy do you fly them out to santorini you tell us man you've just described your life so you tell what kind of journey is that brazil to santorini it's a hell of a trek i mean it must be easy 10 hour flight let's have a look i'll look it up you guys carry on there's got to

be a change somewhere as well you think you use a third party and book like the cheapest get the cheapest deal you can oh it's a 15 hour flight oh god that's just to greece and then she'd have to take a flight from there to santorini there There's no way there's direct Brazil to Santorini It's a little airport all that just for one night in the jacuzzi I could have been four nights for all we know but you know sips his flight go forward Well, yeah gosh out of his control. Yeah. No, I what can you do? I would we definitely get some emails about flights being brought forward. Actually my flight was brought forward by 48 hours You guys are idiots. I've never had a flight brought forward actually my flight was brought forward by 48 hours you guys are idiots i've never had a flight brought forward i've had many many delayed i think a private jet could be

bought for private jet what the fuck the pilot doesn't tell you all right boss uh we just want to go so flights brought forward oh yeah i know i'll be right there no no also this guy wasn't that rich fuck me if i'm staying in the same hotel as him he doesn't have a private jet okay no you're right i'm just trying to unpick this mystery i love it so much i know it really kept me occupied there's so much to think about with other people's lives you know it's just other people are pretty fascinating they are especially just the situation that he got himself into and at no point this is the other thing was it would have been very simple for him to just be pleasant to her and just be like oh my god that

sounds awful is there anything i can do like do you want to talk about it nothing he was google translating some some things to that effect though wasn't it but then apparently he kept asking her the same question to the point where she got pissed off and had to have a go at him via Google Translate. Oh. But then still somehow he gets to have sex with her. And I'm thinking, first of all, I never got to see them. Well, maybe she's contractually obliged at this point. At this point.

You should have got one of them like long mirrors on a stick. Like the SWAT teams used to be around the corner. Yeah. Good God. I should have just all kind of just put my phone around the corner subtly and taken a picture. But I might have called them Inflagrante Delicto.

I wouldn't want her to do that. Yeah, you'd be in trouble for that. I would have got booted out of the hotel. They're having a big hairy arm like pokes around the side of the building. Oh, man.

Yeah. So I just had to imagine. I mean, if he's flown her out from Brazil, she's got to be pretty fucking hot. That was my assumption. Oh, yeah. Also, she was really annoying. So she probably had to imagine. I mean, if he's flown her out from Brazil, she's got to be pretty fucking hot. That was my assumption.

Oh, yeah. Also, she was really annoying. So she probably was really hot. Most hot women are really annoying. There you go. Take that, ladies. Well, you never know. I mean, okay.

For example, while I was in Center Park, so I was watching TV one night and I watched a documentary film about a man with a 80 pound testicle. What a segue. film about a man with a 80 pound testicle if i hadn't if i wasn't watching with my eyes i could probably just think wow this guy's probably pretty hot or whatever and i mean you know he probably was reasonably attractive but he had an 80 pound testicle and uh he himself weighed about a thousand pounds as well oh my god well it would say he just got himself into such a state, you know, like... Yeah, but how did his nut get so big? I don't know. It's some sort of...

Well, it's a condition, obviously. But it's something that progresses quite slowly. So, like, I think the first time he thought anything was wrong was there was a bit of, of like a bit of swelling in his nutsack. He couldn't see the telly because of his bollock. He wasn't quite sure what it was. And then he left it and left it and left it and left it. And then he left it for seven years. And this thing looked like a gigantic tater tot that he just had to sort of lumber around with was he like buster gonad from viz who had to carry his bollocks around in a wheelbarrow well i was saying to my

wife he should be carrying this thing around a wheelbarrow because it looks like he's just got a dangling beach ball like in his pant leg when he walks around like it is it was enormous and inside this testicle oh no i don't want to hear about that bit. For seven years, his penis fully intact. No problems with it. What do you mean? At some point, he just figured, I just don't have a dick anymore. Like, it's gone.

And if I ever have this thing removed, they'll probably accidentally take my penis with it. What are you saying saying how did he pee what was this shower he stood up in the shower and just he just peed he could still get boners and stuff apparently he says he know but him and his wife were unable to have sex for seven years while this was all happening at no point that it occurred to him what was she doing just helping him just hoisting it up when he got into bed He had to stay home He couldn't do anything

Is this real? Is this real? I don't know Look it up It's called Dan's 80-pound testicle The documentary I watched Do you think that she thought Oh my god

Oh, I wish I hadn't Googled that Is she like nurse Bates or whatever, where she was basically keeping him hostage? No, no, no. She seemed fine. If he fixes that testicle, he might find someone else. It was a combination of, they're American, so he probably didn't have health insurance. He probably couldn't afford to go and get it treated or whatever and then just left it hoping that you know whatever he would learn to live with it or it would sort itself out or whatever there's quite a

i mean the whole thing was a little bit i felt bad for him obviously but you couldn't help but chuckle a little bit because some of it was so ridiculous like at one point it looks like he's got a space hopper in his trousers that's actually what it looks like at one point he's sitting in his dad's backyard and his dad has a set of weights that you would use to weigh a deer carcass or you know like for hunting a huge one and he's like yeah just before the because he's at this point he's he's locked in for surgery so this is days away from his surgery where they're going to remove this the testicle and try to salvage his penis and everything and uh he's sitting at his dad's place in in the backyard with no pants on or anything and his dad gets the weight out he's like well well one thing's for sure i never thought i'd be

wearing my son's testicle with one of these things and it was just the whole thing was so absurd like it was it was ridiculous but um he got the surgery and um he managed to um you know go back to somewhat normal like he's still like pretty overweight and stuff yeah he's a pretty big guy um you know i mean maybe he could he could try to try to lose lose some weight and get get back on track or whatever but at least he doesn't have 80 pounds. That's pretty impressive. Man, I just don't know. Like, it was all bandaged up and everything.

That must have really hurt lugging that thing around. Like, the pulling on the skin and everything must have been tremendous. Do you reckon he's going to miss it? You know, it was like a good friend. I can wish my drink on that. You're going to miss it. Poor guy. This reminds me of the South Park

Randy Marsh episode where his balls get all swelled up maybe that episode was based on that could have been so I watched that while I was away which was something else it was an eye opener for sure

what different holidays you had very different I did see Oppenheimer just before we went away oh i went to see that too just before we went away yeah we're soulmates i can't believe it oh geez i mean you know we've been doing this podcast for fucking years true we're so in sync i mean we probably saw it at this on the same day at the same time i saw it let me tell you when i saw it maybe we even sink this and or odd at the same time as well at the same moment on the 21st of august monday the 21st of august oh i don't think i saw it on monday the 21st and and my showing was at 9 a.m oh my god no there's no way

i saw a movie at 9 a.m yeah it would have been probably been like a 2 p.m for me so this this was at the imax at waterloo oh how was that insane nice absolutely insane we were like four rows back which is still quite far from the screen yeah you can't really see the whole screen with your eyes you have to like turn your head at points um and there are some shots in the film that are just unbelievable on the imax um i think technically in terms of the technical achievement, it's incredible. The film is really, really amazing. Looks amazing the way it's shot on that IMAX film. At times you could see like every single detail. It's so crystal clear. It's like, it's not even film. It's just

like you're looking at real life. It's insane. It's not because it's not digital. The resolution is like perfect. However, this might be an unpopular opinion. I just want to say what I felt about Oppenheimer very briefly. I did enjoy it. I do think it was a good film. However, if I compare the plot of Oppenheimer and the story that they chose to tell and focus on, I didn't think it was the most interesting part about Oppenheimer. The focus to me, for anyone that hasn't watched the film, the focus in general is the fact that after the the war and the bomb and all this they took away oppenheimer's top secret clearance yes that's pretty much the story that is the focus of the film that i felt exactly the same and i'm just like who fucking cares yeah about your security

clearance and they're playing like epic music yeah and like like i'm like dude you've done you've had this pivotal moment in history like just just step back you don't need to have it was just it was just like is that really the most interesting part of this story like they we see the one like the test run the first time they blew up the bomb but the problem and that was amazing the way they filmed that the the the effects on the imax were nuts absolutely nuts and i was like oh this is incredible i understand that the whole point is that you know this guy with his great contribution was kind of snubbed a bit and overlooked a time in his life when he should have been celebrated yes i i is a sad way to to have

the story but there's this thing that history is repeat i look at alan turing you know exactly the same sort of thing right to him because he was homosexual but i i would i would definitely say that what alan turing's contribution to computing and to the war was far more benevolent if you like than creating nuclear weapons um and and essentially starting the cold war i mean we almost pushed the button multiple times and oppenheimer himself at the end is obviously i am become death destroyer of worlds and he's sort of horrified at what he's done and there's all these question marks about was this actually a good thing did we need to drop the bomb all these all this stuff especially given that it led to the cold war where there was this terrible fear and threat of nuclear Armageddon you know people really thought the world was going to end so but for the focus of the film to be

the story of him basically losing a bit of administrative clearance and, oh, you see, no longer, you know, SQ or 2Q secret or whatever. I was like, really? That's the big dramatic bombshell in the film? It just felt like I wanted to see more of the struggles of them building the bomb and that sort of thing. So you saw it in IMAX, right? Yeah, yeah. So you saw Florence Pugh's nipples in like 10 meters high. She was like the size of the empire

state building it was stunning i'm a big florence pew fan me too i was like this is the greatest film i've ever seen in my life they were like yeah like the size of like six foot she's gorgeous nipples i could fit inside one of her nipples that's how big they were in the imax i had a moment i'll tell you that. And then you see her butt as well, and I was like, damn, Florence Pugh is like, literally naked. And yet, you never see Oppenheimer's cock once in the

whole movie. I know, I was disappointed. I wanted to see his 80 pound nut. All that radiation. This is not fair. I want to see his dick. I want to see it. Where's his dick? Where's his goddamn cock? Shout that out in the middle of the IMAX. Why is this not cool?

Why is this not allowed? Nobody wants to look at cocks. It's 2023. Nobody wants to look at them. Yeah, very few people want to look at penises. And it's such a common thing for people to now receive on their phone, as I understand. That would have been a great twist, is if we get to see Florence Pugh naked, but we just see a dick pic, an early 1940s dick pic.

A daguerreotype. Yeah, a daguerreotype of his dick. Or like a silhouette, like they used to do silhouettes. Doesn't make sense though, does it? Huffs on cigar, I've sent you a daguerreotype of my penis in the mail please write back you along with every other gentleman this is getting to be too much i liked uh i thought i thought oppenheimer was good i didn't really know what to to expect i mean it was it was it was nice it was it was it was good it was good yeah but i mean the thing is i i compare it to interstellar

where it had far more set pieces and drama and the story sort of pulled you along. I was on the edge of my seat watching that film. I didn't feel that way about Oppenheimer. And here's another thing. It's three hours long. Yes. It's three fucking hours long.

And honestly, hand on heart, you could cut an hour from that film. You really could cut an hour from that film. You probably could. There was a lot of chin wagging where you think yeah okay can we tidy this up a bit but there's so many actors in it that you're like oh it's that guy and he has like two lines it's done nicely though like uh you you feel kind of immersed in uh in in the film like i know i know it's long but you don't you don't mind so much because the actors are all are all good you know You know? Yes. They are very good.

It looks, it looks great. Like I didn't mind it too much. There was one point where I thought like, holy crap, like, cause, cause part of the stories seem to sort of like almost wrap up a bit.

And I thought, okay, well it must be almost done. And then all this other stuff started happening. It's like, wait a sec. How fucking long is this? Yeah.

Yeah. But, but it was only once. About the point where they set off the test bomb there's like an hour of the film after that yeah and i looked at my watch and i was like fucking hell i actually looked at my watch as well yeah so i did i did enjoy it but i i personally think it's not going to be something i'm going to imagine the film maybe they could do like a director's cut and then just end the film there like with the test bomb after the explosion and then it does that thing where it just transitions to a black screen oppenheimer was responsible for making the biggest explosion of all time like it just sort of segues to the credits that would be fucking sweet but yeah it

was uh it was something it was something i'll tell you that yeah no Yeah, it was something. It was something, I'll tell you that. Yeah, no, I thought it was pretty good. I have to go, actually, so we're going to have to end this. We'll end it on that bombshell that Lewis has to go. Okay, well, thank you for joining us. That was our podcast for today. We'll see you all next time. Yes. Goodbye, everyone.

Farewell. Bye. Goodbye.