Triforce! - Triforce! #44: Bodega Bumper Bundle
Episode Date: May 10, 2017Triforce Episode 44! Nicolas Cage made a deal with the devil and Pyrion reads a handful of fan-written Bodega tales! Â Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit pod...castchoices.com/adchoices
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Hello and welcome back to the Triforce podcast with me, Lewis, Pyrrion Flax.
Hello.
And Sips.
Hey.
How you doing?
Hi.
So Pyrrion has a new audio setup.
Yeah.
I can already hear myself echoing a little bit through his new setup.
No, there's no way.
You shouldn't, honestly, you shouldn't be able to.
I don't hear any echoing, Flax.
Don't worry about it.
It doesn't sound any different, Flax, with your new stuff.
It does.
He's a bit insecure about his audio setup,
but that's par for the course with the new stuff. It does. He's a bit insecure about his audio setup,
but that's par for the course with the new audio setup.
I wasn't insecure about it until Lewis berated me for daring to spend money on things and buy stuff
without bothering the Yogscast about it.
Well, it was just like you were so,
we've got all these guys here sitting around basically doing nothing,
and you're like, okay, I'm going to spend a day researching my own audio equipment and buying it.
I mean, geez, you guys, you know, they're in the office.
How would you feel if I just called up Sam, Sam, I need a load of help with my audio stuff.
You'd think, what the fuck is Pirion wasting my employees' time?
I would love that.
Why?
Flax.
Because that's exactly what we do.
I'm going to level with you, Flax.
I email Sam like every fucking day asking him for shit.
I hate to bother people.
So why is that?
Is that an English thing?
Is that a British thing?
You're also English.
Is that a thing you've got in your whole life?
Because we're here to help.
We're here to support you.
That's the whole point of what we do here.
Yeah, that's the thing.
And I feel like the more we can help you, the better.
I get pleasure out of being bothered by people and helping them do stuff.
I always felt like I was a burden to you.
Maybe it's the tone of your voice.
I don't know.
Are you like a gran and you're feeling, oh, no, I can't.
Oh, I don't want to burden the young with having to look after me.
I'll just struggle to the shops on my own.
Where I come from, I feel like if you know a guy who goes to a personal trainer and says really
outlandish shit to him all the time and is being like really anti-social with him and stuff that's
the kind of guy i want to burden so i go out of my way actually to burden lewis now oh i just i
didn't i honestly didn't even occur to me i just thought i'd have you know i'd wing it no but so
but there's like there's a whole structure set up so that you can get help and you know that it's like consistent and stuff like that like i
agree with lewis you should you should talk to people first before you just go off off the grid
like you're you're not neo from the matrix well he had help from morpheus and trinity remember yeah
so i'm the opposite of neo i'm like one of the guys that's
still stuck in the matrix yeah but he's like sends you an email saying hey do you want some help with
the matrix neo and you're like no i don't want to bother you dude i don't want to bother you morpheus
yeah well i'm the neo that's still stuck in the matrix just like i know there's a way yeah you're still
stuck in there because you refuse to take the help when it was offered to you no i didn't refuse to
take the help if if you know i've been grumbling like my audio setup has been bad in terms of like
it's actually on its way out like the equipment was just you have you had that you had the scarlet
2i2 right and it was it was starting to go like the audio technica bphs1 headset the most
uncomfortable headphones okay yeah they do they take some getting used to for sure and the thing
is once they get old the plastic starts to creak i had to chuck mine out because my the plastic was
creaking so much it was actually picking it up in the mic like yeah and the other problem i've got
is the the focus rate that i got
which is like the 2i4 after four hours and three minutes of streaming consistently the voice turns
into a robot voice only when streaming oh yeah and all i have to do is unplug it and plug it back in
and restart discord and it's fine weird but it's one of those weird things where you think why is
why is that happening yeah and i googled it and i thought is it me and
other people were like how come after four hours of streaming the focus right stops working and all
the focus right say is contact our technical support team now whether they're contacting
them and the technical support team says can't do shit please don't tell anybody but he tried
ringing them up no i'm gonna give them a ring apparently they're in the uk so i can give them a bell but why don't you phone them now but no we're not doing that again all right okay well hey listen
i had i had an issue as well not not like totally dissimilar to yours i i still use i don't know if
people find this interesting i still use the scarlet 2i2 flex and um when i switched over
from the office to the dad garage obviously i had to reset
up my rig and everything i like to call it my rig because um that sounds cool but um so i said i had
to reset up my computer and everything put everything nice and stuff so i plug everything
in i get everything up and running i download a bunch of new games and stuff and i start recording
and i'm like midway through recording and all of a sudden the audio just cuts out completely.
And I'm like, what the fuck is going on here?
Like I have no game audio.
So I have to like trash these recordings and stuff
because everything is just going all fucking skewy
and I can't do anything about it.
So I'm looking, I'm Googling.
I thought it was like a Windows driver issue.
I downloaded all these drivers and stuff.
I'm like fucking racking my brains and stuff.
And then it turns out I had the Scarlett 2i2 plugged into USB 3 port.
Oh.
And it was like overloading it somehow or something.
Oh.
And so I switched back to USB 2 and it's been totally fine since.
So it's like it could be like
the smallest dumbest fucking thing that is causing robo voice for you and and
you'll find it one day and you'll be like oh my god she's looking that might
be a USB 3 I've got it plugged into yeah if it's like the blue one you want to
turn one okay okay try putting it into a non blue one, you want to try it. It is a blue one. Okay. Try putting it into a non-blue one and see how you go.
Okay.
Thank you.
Do that.
All right.
Well, there you go.
No problem.
If anybody else wants some tech support from me, I charge by the hour, but I'm available.
You didn't agree a price.
Just tweet at Sips underscore.
Yeah.
Usually that will get through to you eventually, won't it?
You reply to most technical issues. Yeah, he's pretty good.
Absolutely.
I love social media.
So, like, I'm always looking for an opportunity to use it.
So, I woke up this morning and I looked at Reddit.
And the top of Reddit was Palace staff called to emergency meeting.
Okay, Queen Elizabeth staff called to highly unusual meeting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so, it's obviously, like, the usual, like, yeah. And so it's obviously like the usual like scare.
Wait, how do they know though?
Does that information get leaked or something?
And then they report on like what little they know
because it's like it sounds interesting or whatever?
Is that how it works?
Well, because it goes to the front page of Reddit as a result, you know.
Has it been like in the papers or anything?
Or is it like on the BBC News or anything like that?
No.
Oh, right.
No.
It's just at the top of Reddit,
because Reddit loves to vote up these sensationalist nonsense.
But, I mean, there is like this interesting sort of thing
that comes out of it, right?
So when the Queen or...
I mean, if the Queen...
It might not be the Queen.
It might be like someone in the royal family or something else,
but it's probably nothing.
But, you know, the Queen is going to die at some point.
Yeah.
And there's this sort of unusual sort of way of, like, telling the world.
And sort of there's, like, 12 days of mourning planned.
And they basically have to, like, interrupt all BBC programs to tell everyone.
And they have to tell everyone every 15 minutes.
She's no spring chicken though.
Like, you know, like they have to put like funereal music on for like 12 days.
Like they, all the BBC comedy shows have to like stop for 12, 12 days, at least political
ones.
Like, you know, all of the, it's really interesting like how all of these strange is almost like
goes back to the 1950s social norms. What do you mean political TV shows have to stop for 12 days?
Well, no, like political, like comedy ones.
Like, have I got news for you and stuff like this.
Oh, they can't joke about her, yeah.
Well.
I don't know.
Do you think people would make a joke about her being dead?
Dude, they joked about 9-11.
Of course they'll joke about the Queen.
Have I got news for you?
Yeah, of course.
I guess, maybe.
I mean, eventually that's what comedy does isn't it that's what they said that uh in new york like the no none of the comics wanted
to touch 9-11 because even though you know they're comedians they can think of funny things about
terrible stuff yeah yeah none of them wanted to touch it because it felt like who's gonna do it
first and eventually some comedian i'm not sure who it was made this joke and the audience was
like rather than going hey buddy you can't joke about 9-11.
They laughed because it was like,
finally you can start to rationalize it
and start to think about it.
If you can't make fun about something,
you know, Jesus Christ,
what is there that you can't make fun about?
I mean, there's very few things that aren't funny,
if it's done well.
I'm not just saying, 9-11.
Baby slaying.
You don't normally hear lots of jokes about a baby slayer.
So that's one thing.
I mean, you're telling me that someone like Louis C.K. couldn't make a funny joke about pretty much anything.
Louis C.K. does have the ability.
Because he's very, very good.
Yeah, he is very funny.
Yeah, but even he wouldn't just start mocking Islam publicly, would he?
Well, there's a difference between mocking it, where you just go,
I'm a Muslim, like that.
Because good comedy is not only funny, but it makes you think.
R.E.C.K. would sort of question it and then sort of lace opinion into it, kind of.
And it would make it funny.
Like in a sort of, it would take a little while.
At first you'd be like, oh my God, I can't believe he's touching the subject.
And then by the end of it, you'd be laughing your balls off sort of thing.
Yeah, exactly.
He's pretty good at that kind of stuff.
I think it was the same thing with, I mean, so if the queen dies, oh, geez,
you know, they'll be able to make some jokes out of that.
Come on.
Well, I mean, there's a thing with gallows humor too, right?
I'm sure some people were making jokes about 9-11 as it was happening,
because that's how a lot of people, especially in the emergency services,
cope with this type of thing.
With people who have very high-stress jobs, like surgeons and things,
and people in hospitals who see a lot of crazy shit,
they have to make a lot of crazy shit yeah you know they
have to make a lot of jokes in order to actually well you know they do but unless you're nicholas
cage in that movie where he was an ambulance driver he was not joking at all in that movie
in actual fact i'd say it was like the complete opposite of having a laugh and a joke about
the circumstance the humor was sucked out of he was so fucking miserable it was like oh my
god it was hard to watch he was so fucking miserable i just like i had to stop a couple
of times and just like read a joke and like smell a flower and stuff just to remind myself that
actually my life isn't that miserable because holy crap yeah he sucked me into a vortex in that movie
what the fuck was the name of that movie?
I can't remember.
What was it called?
Christ.
I just thought I'll look it up.
The sad thing for me about Nicolas Cage is that he's like a guy who's been told he's not allowed to be funny anymore.
But he's still trying to be funny unintentionally by being so bad in so many things.
But if you watch Raisin Arizona and some of his earlier roles, he was really good like he was a good actor he was very good in raisin arizona very funny
and then he did he did this really good what was it i can't remember it was like a sort of modern
american film noir and he was excellent in it and he was in a bunch of good stuff early on
it's like someone handed down this mandate from on high like like satan like he
goes to see satan right and i like maybe he was ill or something he said oh gee satan i've got
i'm really ill i need help and satan said yeah i'll save your life but you're not allowed to
have fun acting anymore you have to pick the worst roles in the worst movies and you have to act as
badly as possible for the rest of your life
but wait he was in some pretty good ones too though nicholas cage has had some good ones like
um he was in the rock that was pretty good you go understand that he he had a big tax problem
didn't he yeah yeah true con air was it was a good one it was a bad movie come on it wasn't
bad terrible movie have you seen it it wasn't terrible it wasn't bad. It was a terrible movie. Have you seen it? It wasn't terrible.
It was terrible.
I mean, it wasn't good either.
It was somewhere in the middle.
It was terrible, dude.
Come on.
Come on.
And the fucking rock sucked ass.
Terrible.
Oh, come on.
The rock was average.
It was like okay-ish.
Oh, vomit.
I mean, those were the golden years of Cage.
Those were like his golden years.
No, they were not his golden years.
What was that one where he was in with Travolta and they swapped faces?
Remember that?
Face off.
Terrible.
Awful.
That was an awful one.
But like he was still pretty big at the time.
Here's some of his movies.
Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
That's a great movie.
Okay.
I've never seen that one.
That is a genuinely great movie.
Raising Arizona is a great movie.
That was from 1982 1982 we go through his
entire filmography he was hardly in it raising arizona was patricia arquette in that one or is
that one with christian slater i can't remember no raise that you're thinking of raising arizona
was he like an alcoholic like no no no no no that's uh you can't count fast high he played
brad's yeah he was in it in that it was a good movie hey. He was in it. It was a good movie.
Hey, Brad's bud.
He was a good movie.
Raised in Arizona.
He was brilliant in that.
Oh, my God.
He was in Valley Girl as Randy.
Oh, my God.
Randy?
Have you seen Randy's testicles?
Oh, my God.
They're disgusting.
Why are they so misshapen?
Ew.
I love that voice so much.
Sorry, P-Fast.
We're interrupting.
But this is it.
He does leave in Las Vegas.
Leaving Las Vegas.
That's the one where he's an alcoholic.
Okay.
He's a fucking alcoholic in that.
Are you sure it's not?
So, yeah, it's good.
Wild at heart. Are you sure that's not the one? I think it might be a bit so all right so yeah it's good wild wild at heart are you sure that's not the one i think it might be leaving las vegas but anyway so he's in leaving las vegas which was which was a good movie and everything and then
the very next film next year 1996 the rock yeah con air face off the big city of angels city of
angels these are all dreadful gone in 60 seconds what was that movie yeah family man in 60 seconds that's a
great movie family family man was fucking good man like i like that legitimately i thought that
was a great movie like he he nailed the role of having kids so well like it was insane he just
looked so fucking did you see wind talkers was that like zelda or something it's so bad you
wouldn't okay listen nicholas cage is the's so bad, you wouldn't believe it.
Okay, listen.
Nicolas Cage is the king of bad movies.
You've got to understand that some of these movies are so bad,
they're very, very watchable.
The king of bad movies clearly is Martin Lawrence.
Okay.
It's a tie.
The thing about Nicolas Cage is that he's always had money problems.
He's been so bad with money that he's just had to take on any old shit. And he's
still today, you know, he's had to
do loads of films every year.
Just any work that comes along. He's doing,
he did seven films in
2016. He's doing seven films in
2017. He's just,
he's doing more films per year than
ever before. He's just slamming them out. He is.
He's just swacking them out. Not all of them even make it
to the cinema. He does Matchstick Men, which was a really good movie. I really like Matchstick Men. That's just slamming them out. He is. He's just whacking them out. Not all of them even make it to the cinema. He does Matchstick Men,
which was a really good movie.
I really like Matchstick Men.
That's a con movie, right?
And that's a good one.
Adaptation was very well received.
It was okay.
It was good.
Adaptation was pretty good.
That was about the...
He was the...
That guy, that writer.
What's his name again?
Charlie Kaufman.
That's right, yeah.
That was fucking great, actually.
That was an incredible movie actually. That was incredible.
That adaptation was really good.
But then if you look at the stuff, like,
USS Indianapolis, Men of Courage,
is meant to be so fucking bad.
I desperately want to see it because it's that bad.
Like, it's really, really bad.
I don't know what it is.
It's like he did some deal with Satan.
I swear to God, with Satan.
I think I could prove it.
But in 1996, something happened to Nicolas Cage
where he made this promise to the devil
that he would start making shit, and he never stopped.
And it's like occasionally he does something good,
and the devil is right there on the phone.
Nick, it's Satan.
I thought I told you.
No good movies.
I'm sorry, Satan.
I promise I won't make you go to the good movies.
What is this, Nicholas? I just watched
Adaptation and it wasn't terrible.
What are you doing?
Because it's 7.2.
7.2, Nicholas.
Pauline Kael said it was a must-see movie.
This was not the deal.
That voice is his banker.
That voice is his banker on the phone telling him his bank account's
empty again.
That's his only choice. They're at the bank, the phone telling him his bank account's empty again. And that's like his only choice.
They're at the bank like, call him up and tell him you're Satan.
It's Nick Cage, he'll believe you.
Think of how many people depend on Nick Cage.
He's like created his own micro economy.
He's got all these people that are supporting him that make money through him sort of thing.
And if it wasn't for Nick Cage doing bad movies and stuff, none of these people would have jobs.
He's not Michael Jackson.
He hasn't got like 30 hangers-ons.
These people are employed because Nicolas Cage is so bad.
What do you think Nicolas Cage has like an army of people?
Like the way Mike Tyson had all those guys.
He's a fucking household name, man.
Like everybody knows Nicolas Cage, like whether you want to or not.
So, yeah, of course he's going to have people. people he's got he's got he's got an agent i'm sure he's got a pa
or two but geez it's not like he's he hasn't got like he's got like he's got like an ac like oj had
you know he's got like one childhood friend who fucking loves him and is secretly gay for him and
stuff that follows him around for sure and he's probably got like a stylist and
shit like he's he's got people for sure did you know he lives in he lives in somerset a lot of
the time did you know that no did you know his son is called cal l no i did not know that i don't
need to know this stuff about nick cage either like i'm quite happy just sort of like remembering
him from con air and adaptation and you're saying he's got trouble with money. He owns a string of properties, right?
He had castles in England and Germany, mansions in America, an island in the Bahamas.
But these days he lives more modestly in a tiny cottage in Somerset.
Because he lost all his money.
That's probably why.
Well, no, I don't think so.
I think he's just a weird guy.
Anyway, he sold his Action Comics 1, didn't he, for about two million I read somewhere.
Action Comics, like the first Superman.
Is that the first appearance of Superman ever?
Maybe.
From like the 30s?
Was it?
Yeah, I think it was.
Yeah, Action Comics number one.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like a real famous.
Because it's Detective Comics number one.
Is that the first appearance of Batman, I think?
Because there's Action Comics and there's Detective Comics, which became DC.
Oh, is that where DC comes from?
Yeah, yeah.
Detective Comics. I never knew that. Man, I'm'm kind of sick i'm kind of sick of batman honestly like he's just
such a fucking whiny bastard isn't he and like oh my goodness he's been around for so long and his
story is so known and everything and they're always trying to elaborate on it a little bit
more and stuff and i'm i'm just at the point now where i'm like you know what batman i'm done with
you give me a new superhero i'm done i i'm i'm over the bats i don't want to hear about it anymore
i think you've just grown up a bit though well i mean and also batman sort of tried he's evolved
you know he's not the world's greatest detective no one thinks of batman as the world's greatest
detective do that's sherlock it's like the world's greatest crybaby now I mean jeez like how long ago
did his parents die
in Gotham City
at the hands of the Joker
like I mean
fucking get over it already
like think of all the things
that he must have done
between that
happening
and now
and you think that
he would have like
pushed past it slightly
but no
he's still like
fuck Batman
I'm sick of that guy
I mean the Joker
has evolved like
to be a great character kind of
over the years the thing is first of all it's interesting that you say that his his parents
died at the hands of the joker because that's not the case his parents died at the hands of
just some no good hoodlum random criminal and i think it was only in the abysmal michael keaton
batman movies where it was actually the joke are you talking i'm telling you it was
terrible it was fucking prince did the soundtrack to that movie what are you talking about abysmal
prince all right i think mediocre is the word you were looking for no abysmal is is too strong a
term it's not that i stand by keaton was a good batman i thought it was terrible did you not see
birdman that was all about his his role in batman that's
why they cast michael keaton desperately trying to get away from his fucking past as batman
everyone's like oh it's batman and he's fucking sick of it he wants to be a serious actor that's
what birdman was all about to me right i never saw birdman i it's actually on netflix i should
watch it yeah it's okay it's a great movie I've been slowly watching Django Unchained recently, which is honestly great.
Like I forgot how excellent dialogues were in Tarantino films.
And like, and the dialogues in Django have been really fucking great.
It's a good movie.
Yeah, I liked it.
It was good.
That German guy is fantastic.
Holy shit.
Christopher Waltz, I think his name is.
He's so fucking good in that movie.
Yeah, yeah.
Such a good movie so far far i'm like halfway through it
i can i can't sit down and watch a whole movie anymore like i watch half an hour chunks of a
movie now jesus like over the course of a week yeah it's really bad do you know what my my friend
alan um he's a he's a bournemouth lad straightforward guy like a real real straightforward
guy when it comes to movies he knows what he likes. And, and he likes a very,
very small selection of,
of movies.
He likes Rocky.
Right.
And like the,
the Rocky movies,
basically.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And he likes a film called,
um,
it's like,
it's a,
it's an eighties movie about the SAS.
Right.
It was called,
I think it's called where Eagles dare.
I think it's called something or something like that.
Okay.
But, but he would, he will not watch the whole movie before work
if he wants to get kind of pumped up because he's sick of going to work.
He watches just the last 10 minutes of Rocky.
Oh, man, I was just going to say.
Watches the last 10 minutes and he's ready for a day of work.
Rocky is like, the original Rocky movies are like the ultimate pick-me-up movies, though.
They get you so pumped.
Like I don't know what it is about it.
Like they're just great movies.
Like all of the original ones are really fucking good.
Like I remember watching them.
I think I watched like three back-to-back, like Rocky 1, 2, and 3 back-to-back one day with my my she wasn't my wife at the time um we were
we were we were actually i think we were engaged at the time anyway we were like lounging around
and we watched all three rockies all those three rockies sorry back to back and by the end of it
we were almost like fist fighting and we were whooping and cheering and stuff like it was great
like we felt really good it was it was nice like who dares wins by
the way who dares wins who dares it was called yeah it's it's it's a really weird movie but so
so the the rocky movies actually got you pumped up yeah yeah big do you like boxing not really
like i'm not i could take it or leave it but i just thought the rocky movies were
really entertaining like they were just fucking so good I just wish he would keep his guard up just once, Rocky.
I want his corner man there.
Yeah.
Rocky, for God's sake,
keep your guard up.
He just walks in.
Get back in there, champ.
Yeah.
All he's saying,
his entire advice is
just don't give up.
Just get the fuck beaten out of you.
And eventually,
it's like Homer Simpson's
boxing technique
where he just soaks up
the punches on his head.
That's Rocky's boxing technique. At no point does he hold his hands up the punches on his head, that's Rocky's boxing technique.
At no point does he hold his hands up in front of his face
in a traditional boxing style.
That's all he has to do.
That's all he has to do.
He's got that miracle second wind.
He doesn't need to.
He could take the biggest beating of his lifetime
and then out of the corner of his eye he sees Adrian
and she's just like doing her thing.
She's just a fucking philistine like in the fucking
crowd and she's just so fucking backwards and stuff and you could just see her cheering away
and rocky feels sorry for her but loves her at the same time and he's like yeah all right fine
fuck it adrian second win baby here it comes boom and then the uppercut fucking oh man it's so good
do you know do you know what i heard that you know uh
which rocky was it with the russian guy the guy who's like i must break you that guy oh what is
his name that's that dolph lundgren dolph lundgren yeah but he plays um what's his name in in in the
he's the russian guy remember even drago even that's right yeah yeah yeah yeah so first of all
i saw dolph lundgren in a cash point queue in Portobello Road Market one time, which was kind of funny.
But I also heard that when they were making that Rocky movie, Stallone said,
All right, Dolph, I want you to hit me for real.
It'll look good on the film.
Hit me for real.
And Dolph Lundgren was like, OK, and punched him and broke his jaw.
I'm pretty sure that's a true story.
The Internet will tell me otherwise jaw. I'm pretty sure that's a true story. The internet will tell me otherwise,
but I'm pretty sure that I think
the dangerous part of the Rocky movies
is that Stallone started to believe,
maybe I can just take a dozen punches to the head.
I think I can do it.
And he did it.
And Dolph Lundgren was like,
just prove to him that
if you actually got punched in the head,
you'd get fucked up.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe that's why his voice got got like really slurry and like
sort of maybe drawly like as time went on sort of thing dolph just punched him a couple times
i have a surprise okay so you know we were talking about doing a bodega special this week
this is interesting that we were talking about this there is so just to give anyone some
background on this uh a teacher i I think he's in America,
sent me a bunch of bodega stories that his class had written because he read them.
One of the bodegas, I don't know which one he read, but he tidied it up a bit.
He took smoking out and, you know, stuff like that.
He took out all the swearing and stuff.
Flav, he left in because obviously that's cool.
And he read the story and then he asked them to write their own stories.
And they've written a bunch of stories and he sent them to me.
Okay.
And one of them is called Nicolas Cage.
No fucking way.
So I want to, yes.
And I want to see what this story is.
It's called Nicolas Cage.
Do you want to hear it?
Okay.
It's just, that's the title of a bodega story.
So hang on.
How old are these children?
I think they're like 11 years old.
Right.
Okay.
So, and he said to me that these kids are like, it's like an inner city school.
The kids are, you know, they an inner city school that the kids are,
you know,
they're not generally excited by the idea of doing schoolwork the way most
kids are at 11,
I guess.
But these kids were really genuinely excited to be able to write something.
And they liked the bodega stories.
And I mean,
God only knows if I was on the school board,
this teacher would be in big trouble.
I would say to him,
you're meant to stick to the curriculum,
Mr.
Crab Apple,
not read bodegas
but fair play it's what bodega would have done anyway here's the story you ready yeah i'm ready
yeah yeah this is bodega part a special part 1.4 brackets nicholas cage i don't know why it's called
that 1.4 well yeah that's it's listed as maybe he want maybe he he is a visionary and he sees
nicholas cage potentially um playing the role of Bodega in a future film.
Let's find out.
Bodega's head felt groggy and faint as he shifted his fingers to turn the metal steering wheel of his spaceship.
Maybe it was too many hefty cups of space coffee for just the mere thought of the smooth ceramic of a mug against his lips felt disgusting and repulsive.
Man, this guy's already better than me at writing.
What the fuck?
It was almost comical how the substance made to give him energy at this point only drew it from him.
That's nice.
Jake, can you cover me for a bit?
I'm feeling under the weather, Bodega called to his assistant,
his eyes feeling heavy and stomach tying itself into unsteadying knots.
China, Jake replied, patting Bodega's shoulder
and encouraging him to get up, taking his place.
Jake grabbing the wheel excitedly
as Bodega drudged towards his bunk.
He threw himself onto his bed and let his eyes fall heavy,
letting out a relieving breath.
He drifted awake, a gentle face smiling over him.
He furrowed his slicing brow,
noticing that he'd never seen
the handsome stranger's face before. Hello, sir. I am Nicolas Cage, he smiled, offering his hand to help Bodega out of his bed.
Bodega took his hand and straightened his posture, looking around slightly suspiciously.
Where's Jake? Bodega asked, picking up his hat off of the side table and placing it in the usual
spot on his head. Jake is out looking for supplies, he stated kindly.
While you were dozing off, we landed here.
I saw this vessel and he let me in.
Sad to say that he may be dead now, though.
Bodega's smile dropped from his face.
And why would that be, he asked, still in shock of what he was hearing.
There's a pretty bad monster out there, one that eats people.
Takes a few months to fully eat a corpse.
You never really see it, but it comes back nightly to feed. Bodega hung his head. It's a real shame, he responded.
I'm sorry about him, Nick said apologetically. Space coffee? Bodega smiled.
Only if you know how to make it, he grinned, walking towards the kitchen.
What? I don't know where this is going. I'm not worried.
I don't know where this is going.
I'm not worried. You wait.
Bodega started to notice after several days that Nick was trying to seduce him.
Oh, no.
Nick would flip his hair at him and wink, flexing proudly.
This happening more often than he would like to admit.
The animal might be on our basement now, Nick told him that day.
So just don't go down there.
Trust me.
How old are they?
Well, we'll find out.
They're like in suburbia somewhere making coffee for each other.
They're like on a spaceship and a house, I don't know.
Weeks later, Bodega journeyed into the basement for more space coffee beans, forgetting what
Nick had recommended.
The stairs seemed creakier than usual.
Peering around the corner,
grabbing some coffee beans,
out of the corner of his eye he saw a figure,
its mouth splattered in blood,
eating the remains of a corpse wearing a flannel shirt,
the remains of Jake.
Without hesitation, he drew his gun and fired seven quick rounds,
shooting the creature onto the ground.
As he approached the corpse,
a horrified look glided across his face.
The monster was Nick!
Tears bloomed into his eyes, falling onto the ground like rain,
flowing down his face like water out of a sink.
Nick, he mumbled, wiping his face, failing to stop the tears.
All at once, he noticed how much he loved Nick,
how much he'd paid to taste his delicious burned space coffee just one more time.
He picked up Nick's head,
allowing his tears to drip
on his rested, beautiful face.
Bodega had been so foolish.
He'd fallen deeply in love
with Nicolas Cage,
and now his heart
had snapped in two.
His girlfriend was nothing.
Jake was nothing.
But Nick could never
become nothing.
Nick's blood was on his hands.
It was his fault.
He felt like he was
going to throw up.
He was truly, sickly,
stupidly in love the
end why the why was he eating jake i don't get it i don't know oh my god oh my god did nicholas cage
love i don't know i think he was flirting with him and stuff wasn't he so like probably or maybe
he was seducing him with the intent to kill him and eat him. What a terrific story.
That was great.
Who wrote that?
Can we get a round of applause for...
What's his name, though?
Author of Nicolas Cage, The Bodega Story.
Yay!
Yeah, we haven't got the name, but whoever you are, that was my biggest...
Oh, you're the best.
Holy shit.
Thank you for the comedy cramps.
That was great.
Oh, God.
Oh, jeez.
Well, I mean, I don't know how we're going to top that now.
I think that's...
All right, well, see you guys next week then.
Yeah, bye.
Thanks for watching the movie.
That's half an hour.
We're going to be in trouble, yeah?
Oh, shit, that was good.
What a great way to wrap up a conversation about Nicolas Cage.
Yeah.
He had a lot of soaring highs and uh really dipping lows and then just to
fucking just to you know crown it with that story that was that was something special i feel better
than i felt after watching three rocky movies back i feel like i'm not gonna be able to look
at nicholas cage the same way now i'm just i feel like i now in my mind he's a seductress
who is also a man-eater.
It's very strange.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's weird.
Yeah.
Man, that was pretty good.
That writing is way better than anything I could ever write.
I think my favorite part is that some of the metaphors don't actually make sense.
They're not the right word.
You know what he's going for or she is going for.
And I'm like, I know what you're trying to say here. You just't quite got the vocabulary i think it's something i think it's quite beautiful yeah no
it's it's interesting the choice of words but they say he he drudged towards his bed it should
should be trudged but drudged towards his bed set also sounds interesting it sounds like yeah i
immediately know what they're saying it's interesting and i like the way his eyes feeling
heavy and stomach tying itself into unsteadying knots that's actually really interesting i like that i thought the use
of metaphor i give it i give it an a i give it an a but like he furrowed his slicing brow that's
really interesting i don't know that's not how i'd put it but i i know what he meant i got a lot of
respect for you flax it takes a real man because, if I was the creator and writer of Bodega and I saw something like
that come along, I got to say, I would be a bit apprehensive and I would try to take
it down a peg or two.
Because I wouldn't want people thinking like, this guy is going to be the new...
Yeah, exactly.
But you're like, yeah, A+, this guy's great.
You know, he can write the rest of them for me and stuff.
No problem.
I think that takes big cojones.
Do you want to do any more?
Yeah, we've got loads. Do you want another one?
I think we should do them.
So, let me read you the titles, okay? And you can tell me. So, read first. This is the
message from the teacher, Jake.
Read first.
Yeah, sorry, I forgot to read this first. Just wanted to see what you've created in this thing.
So the teacher is called Jake?
Teacher's called Jake, yeah.
Oh, right, so Nick Cage was eating the teacher.
Oh, that's true, yeah.
Wow.
His assistant, Jake.
So that was a joke about, you know,
at the teacher's expense.
Okay, I get it now.
And I think maybe, hang on,
I'm just trying to get it to his mind.
Maybe he's thinking of Bodega as like a movie
and he sees Nick Cage in so many bad movies.
That's why he's in Bodega.
Yeah.
See what I mean?
He means Nick Cage's character, I guess.
Yeah, maybe.
But maybe he just thinks Nick Cage is sort of a movie person
who is in movies.
Do you see what I mean?
Because he's in so many things.
Yeah, maybe.
So these kids are...
Maybe he's just... Maybe every movie this so these kids are maybe he's just maybe maybe
every movie this kid has watched has had nick cage in it yeah and therefore he just assumes
that nick cage is part of every story he plays himself man how weird would that be you know like
when people are homeschooled and stuff you always think like what are they actually teaching somebody
like at homeschooling imagine this kid is like his the only movies he's ever seen in his entire
life have had nick cage in them and no other movies how fucking fucked up would that be jesus
so first of all he says in some notes uh space vaping has been replaced with space coffee right
only a few of them know about bodega's squeeze majesta uh and the kids love sips is donald trump
impersonation when he says china so you see that
a lot right i thought it was interesting right yeah yeah he's just like putting some memes in
there that's why yeah he just put china so other notes uh these kids there's a sixth to seventh
grade so that's like 11 right 10 11 yeah hell yeah i mean i was still wearing track pants at
that age right every fucking day so here's here's the most surprising piece of information.
Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this?
Yeah, yeah.
We are in the process of creating Bodega the Musical for next spring's performance class.
Right, right.
Which is a startling piece of information.
You guys have made kids excited about doing well and finishing their state testing.
They're at an inner city school.
So these kids are like, they're not generally excited about school. for some reason this has um made them interested which is great i mean that's
like that's incredible i'm very happy about that uh my administration loved the idea of creative
character development and that the kids wanted to work after state testing so they did their work
and then they wanted to do this like they actually enjoyed doing it they wanted to do it so i think
that is that is wonderful uh so that's crazy
holy shit yeah so here's one called uh so i'll read you the titles you tell me which one you
want to hear space space feminist yes go wait wait wait you know you don't even know just go
the glorga flop no space feminist for me i want i want the you want to hear this one because
some of them one of them's called booty hole are you sure okay booty booty hole yeah go we have to go through all right yeah all
right let's do space feminist i read this one on stream the other night and it's it's gold okay
this is a short one uh this is written by a young girl okay okay smoke filled the undercrowded space
warehouse and bodega was sweating he breathed and out, testing the waters and stepping out from behind – the large package of illegally ground space coffee.
His home base had been infiltrated by a band of radical space feminists, opposed to the
illegal space coffee trade. Bodega didn't understand their endgame, but wouldn't back
down without a fight. He stepped into the mist and a split second later was grabbed
and held with a cosmic knife to his throat. He heard a voice.
Thy last words, Bodega.
But wait, it was a man's voice.
Bodega kicked back, aiming straight for the soft spot.
Boom, right in the baby maker.
The man groaned, overcome with pain.
What are you, a space feminist? said Bodega.
What? said the man.
And in 0.2 seconds, a tall woman with a red bandana scooped up the man.
She lowered the mask.
Sorry, this is a dangerous misogynist from the planet Misogynia.
We had to remove him from the streets before he hurt small women.
I guess he thought you were one.
Well, good day.
She jumped away as there was very low gravity on the planet.
Bodega didn't really know how to feel and suddenly started thinking of why his girlfriend cheated on him.
Oh well, he continued with his business the end oh my god that was
amazing i know holy shit so that was that so there's bodega's end which i guess is about the
death of bodega the pirate king confrontation the crash origins of bodega booty hole yeah one of the teachers listed as i am not really sure
one called memory one called pussycat pussycat where are you and one called bodega's hair
brackets i think this kid does drugs yeah do that one i want to hear that one all right bodega was
a strand of hair he became detached from his human then he he got a human girlfriend. While he went to the store,
she got married and had a stupid child. Then he moved to some stranger's back.
He worked as a person who smuggled lice into people's hair. He wanted revenge.
One day, he smuggled lice into his ex's hair. She got mad. Then he found out that the child was his.
He needed more space coffee. He was a space coffee-holic.
He then yelled at his girlfriend
specifically the song billy jean and his ex bodega stunned him he said you did you have to do that
and ate a crayon because of all the space coffee he had to throw up but didn't know where that
bathroom was so he threw up upon mr ezzo ah yelled mr ezzo that's the teacher jake ezzo
china said bodega bodega's girlfriend said,
give me some cop.
Then they held hands and fell in love.
Bodega was alone again, but then he fell in love
with female Bodega's boyfriend. They raised
the child into a full-grown hair.
The end. Man, that guy is like
the next up-and-coming Twitch
chat superstar. For sure.
That's nuts, isn't it? That's crazy.
That is proper nuts. is bananas okay that's that's
let's do let's do booty hole let's do booty hole this is a short one i'm ready it's like two
paragraphs it was two years since bodega called his girlfriend cheating on him he was so depressed
he took his own spaceship that he built and went up. He had four years worth of food and water.
He made it up and it's been two years.
He came back just to find out that everyone thought he was dead.
He wasn't in the mood for this.
He went to the police station and went there.
When he walked in, everyone gasped and then cheered.
They called his girlfriend and she rushed in.
When she got there, he said, fuck off, booty hole.
He chilled out and talked to the booty hole.
She talked about how much she missed him,
but he rejected her and yet again told her to fuck off.
She left and told him, I'm sorry.
I hate her, he thought to himself.
He was outraged.
OMG, he was so angry.
The end.
Oh my god.
Are they allowed to use colorful language?
Well, it was asterisked out.
Okay. So it could have actually been like shit off or maybe like... allowed to use colourful language in well it was asterisked out okay
so it could have
actually been like
shit off
or maybe like
no it was like
F star star K
oh right
I see
yeah
Flav off
yeah they could have
dropped a Flav in there
they could have
dropped a Flav or two
yeah
Jesus Christ
it was pretty
I still think
the feminist one
is the best one
so far though
that was crazy
what about
Bodega's End should we try that one yeah yeah oh my god Nicolas Cage is the best one so far though that was all right what about uh bodega's end should we try that one yeah yeah oh my god nicholas cage is the best one for me oh yeah that
was that was great actually holy shit bodega and majesta had been best friends since birth
they were next door neighbors and spent every day after school together as they grew older they grew
deeper in love both of their families could not afford to provide college so they decided to work
together to stay afloat when nas NASA made public applications for people to move
to the moon, with all expenses paid off, they jumped on it in an instant. Bodega and Majesta
lived happily on the moon commune for many years, but many years is not forever. That's
great, I love that. War fell upon the two moon colonies. In an effort to stop their
family of two from falling into poverty,
Bodega began smuggling people from the moon back to Earth.
Right.
Little did he know, hyperspeed spacecraft had ripped a hole in space-time.
After a round of people smuggling, Bodega was on his usual route coming home.
When he arrived, there was a strange moon buggy in the driveway.
Oh my god.
Hang on a second.
Oh my god.
Hang on a second.
Oh my god. Oh.
He walked in and yelled, honey, I'm home.
A woman walked out of the kitchen.
It was Majesta, eight years older than the last time he saw her.
I thought you were dead,
she said.
How long has it been,
he responded.
Eight years.
Oh my God.
He ran as her new boyfriend
shot a laser shotgun towards him,
yelling,
get away from my baby.
Bodega went to the space coffee bar
and drank his feels away.
Space coffee gets you,
brackets,
space coffee gets you
extremely high.
He went to the moon spacecraft exit,
clicked the open button
and floated away.
He had no space suit.
The end.
Oh, man.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
He committed suicide.
When you come home to your moon base...
That is my favourite one so far.
That's not my moon buggy.
Oh, wow.
Holy shit. I mean, I like the idea that infidelity is the same on earth as it is whether
if you're on the moon like you still see some stranger's moon buggy parked and be like that's
not my moon buggy who the fuck is this oh any time in space suit anytime anyone mentions colonizing
the moon i just think man i hope i'm alive to be able to live on the moon
one day even if it's just for like a week or something like i i think that that would be
fucking amazing yeah i would love to live on the moon shit temporarily think of the ping you'd get
oh man who cares like you're on the moon you get to like look at the earth from a different
perspective and stuff like that's fucking crazy like i would love to do that sign me up nasa come on after two days you'd be bored of it yeah i know that's why i would only
want to go there temporarily i'd want to come back and and stuff but like i just think that
that would be incredible i just i think people would be like oh what did you do last oh we went
to the moon yeah we had a whole week on the moon what was it like yeah yeah it was good but oh it
was good to get back i tell you what there's really not much to do up there it really is i was watching this series on netflix
called the expanse and it's like it's about earth mars and the moon has been colonized by earth as
well but mars has like separated off and become like their own sort of like federation or whatever. Right. And it's really tense between Earth and Mars.
Sounds fairly normal.
Yeah.
But I love like, I love in like shows like that and sci-fi like that where occasionally they return to Earth, right?
And the United Nations runs Earth now.
And they return to Earth and they visit like a cattle ranch in Montana.
And like not much has changed.
It's like really, really familiar.
Like there's no like high tech electrical doodads or whatever sort of thing.
So like people on Earth are just still chilling.
But there's like all these colonies like on the moon.
And there's these big space stations and shit.
And like colonies all over Mars.
And I want to live to get to the point where we're doing all that.
Like that'd be great.
It's always the same, isn't it?
People always assume that space stuff will be the same as Earth stuff,
but in space, right?
So, like, you know, like spaceships are just like boats,
ordinary ships with the captain and the captain's log and all that crap.
You know, when we build a colony on Mars,
eventually they're going to rebel against us and have their uprising.
Cause it's like the colonies again.
It's like,
Oh,
you know,
we're going to have our own constitution on Mars and founding fathers on Mars.
Do you know what I mean?
It's ridiculous,
but everyone assumes that.
I'm cool with that though.
I'd be up for that.
Why would that happen though?
The world's changed so much.
Has it Lewis?
Well,
people changed.
Why don't you tell me about this change that you've witnessed?
Did you just listen to Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror?
And when he said,
I want to make a change for once in my life.
I've still got tears in my eyes from those Spodea stories, man.
Do you want another one?
Do you want another one?
Some of those were just so glorious.
Are there more?
Yeah, there's more.
Okay.
Oh, God.
Keep them coming, baby.
It's like crack. It's like space coffee.
Are any of them as good as Booty Hole? Because...
I've only read two. I literally only read Space Feminist and the Gorgoflop.
I didn't read any of the rest of these.
Read that one, the Gorgoflop.
Let's have Gorgoflop.
This is quite a long one, but it's good.
Okay. This kid really got into the making shit up that makes no sense.
Oh, that's the best part of Bodega. This kid really got into the making shit up that makes no sense. Okay, so...
That's the best part of Bodega.
One day, a Malbritostophor named Bodega was walking to a coffee shop in space
to get his favourite drink, space coffee.
Right.
He was on his way to work.
He worked for the Pirate Academy.
He had to teach kids how to defy gravity and soar the seas in space.
They have to press the no gravity button on the ship and sail the stars,
as Bodega liked to say. He passed by a ring shop and thought back to a time where he fell in love
with a human girl. It was a balmy day and Bodega was going to Earth for a short visit to see what
Earth coffee really tasted like. Everyone on Earth had never seen a Malbrutoste before, so they
thought Bodega was hideous and fled in fear that he would eat their brains out or something in that category after all he was a disgusting shade of green had three eyeballs but
only two sockets and had not mouth bracket he breathed through his butt then he passed by a
park which was very calm and peaceful there was a human girl sitting on a step stool painting a
portrait of the lake with the trees.
At the time, he had never seen a tree.
The tree the girl was painting actually happened to look a lot like
the Malbrotostophores' biggest enemy, the Glogaflop.
They were hideous beasts about the size of a tree.
Bodega was frightened, so he went over to warn the girl.
First, he had to destroy her painting,
because then there would be no proof of Glogaflop on Earth,
which everyone knew wasn't true until now. He had to destroy her painting because then there would be no proof of Glorgaflop on Earth, which everyone knew wasn't true, until now.
He had to hide the evidence.
Bodega went over to the girl and ripped her painting to shreds.
He looked into her gorgeous eyes and knew that she was the one.
He found out her name was Majesta after she yelled at him for ripping up the painting
and explained to him what a tree really is.
Later that year, Majesta and Bodega were a happy couple but something was definitely
off bodega wasn't feeling very in love anymore so he went back to space to visit his family and his
childhood friends when he went back to earth he found out that majesta had married another man
and had a baby bodega wasn't too unhappy about it since he wasn't feeling it anymore with majesta
space goodbye and to this day never seen each other again.
Back to present time, Bodega went into the space coffee shop
only to find out they were all out of space coffee,
but that there'd been a new creation called Jupiter Juice.
He tried it and spit it in the cashier's face.
It was the most disgusting thing Bodega had ever tasted in his whole life.
This day wasn't very well for Bodega.
He knew something was up. He took out his rifle, vaporized the cashier, and walked outside with a tip of his hat.
All of a sudden, the Gorgoflops swooped down from space and attacked the village. Bodega punched one of them in the face.
He'd completely forgotten that if you hit them or punch them, they'd grow back another feature.
This time, the beast grew back a tail with sharp, thorn-like spikes. The alien continued to swing the humongous tail into Bodega's face.
Meanwhile, on Earth, Majesta was imprisoned by the Gorgaflop Queen.
Tell me, what do you do to him?
I want him back.
Don't you understand?
Do I need to spell it out?
W-A-N-T-H-I-M-B-A-C-K
To be continued.
Wow.
So what, the Gorgaflop Queen wants Bodega? No, I think the gorgaflop queen wants bodega is that the no the i think
the gorgaflop queen did she take majesta and majestous telling the queen that she wants
bodega back or the other way around i can't be sure yeah i don't know man how is kieran
gonna animate these god only though they're so good. Yeah.
These are really good.
Man, how come I can't write like this? Do you have to practice or something?
Like, is it just a calling?
Like, I could never write like this.
Do you read much?
Yeah, I read enough.
Yeah.
I think if I wrote stuff, it would just go off into these awful tangents that would make no sense.
And I would never be able to get back to
the point if you listen to any of the stories that we've had today they bounce around wildly
sips it doesn't matter it's like just just get it out of paper get your brain down i find these like
fairly coherent though like they're not really yeah they're bonkers dude they're fabulous the
nicholas cage one was pretty good it was pretty tight like it didn't really flop around too much
it's true oh that nicholas cage one was absolutely spectacular that's gonna have me giggling all
i love these stories right there i can absolutely imagine my kids writing stories like these kids
are 11 right that are writing they're like 10 or 11 yeah yeah they're around there man like so my
eldest is in i think it would be called third grade okay right so in three years time she'll be like 10
going on 11 and these are exactly the kind of things that she would write like there's certain
things that all the kids seem to be obsessed with they're all obsessed with uh people falling in
love that's consistent in pretty much every story, right? Memes.
Sips saying, China!
Like, for some reason, that really tickled them.
I think that's funny.
Infidelity.
Most of the stories feature some kind of infidelity or a relationship falling apart.
And I'm thinking, this must be the kind of TV shows that kids see.
They see this kind of stuff happening.
And they just think, that must just be part of life.
You know what I mean?
I guess, yeah. They're all writing about they're all they're all kind of violent but none of them have been
like i can imagine what my class at school at this age would have come up with it would have been
described the gunshots yeah but it would have been done on purpose to like you know because
if you had to present it to the class or whatever you would have gone out of your way to make it like especially violent and gory sort of yeah maybe yeah but i mean i
reckon these have been read out i reckon these have been read out because there are jokes in
there like the jokes about like there's a you know the teacher crops up often doesn't he like
there's characters called jake and stuff and that's kind of funny i like that it's because
it's obviously they want to do it and see the teacher's face and all the kids will be laughing
it's like a a little gag that they've got within the class
it is odd i mean i wonder what the teacher has shared with the class i wonder if the teacher
has put himself into bodega stories you know i mean i wonder whether like no apparently not
people like he said he just read them some of them i'm only messing with him i'm sure he hasn't
i just i just maybe they did a thing where like one kid wrote the story and then like
another kid had to read it sort of thing so they were like stitching each other up a bit because
we used to have to do stuff like that at school i remember it was pretty fun of course like somebody
would write a story and then you'd have to read it for them and you know like you'd get up there
and you wouldn't know what what to expect and you'd start reading you'd be like oh my god i
can't believe fucking putting a cage in the story and stuff.
Yeah, it's true.
So we did mention The Rock, right?
And one of the best fan theories about The Rock is that Sean Connery in it is still playing James Bond.
Yeah, I heard that, yeah.
And when you watch the movie with that in your mind, you're like, oh my God, it's amazing.
Really?
Man, I got to watch that again now. That sounds great. you watch the movie with that in your mind you're like oh my god it's amazing really yeah man i gotta
watch that again now that sounds great that sounds like a fresh new spin on the rock for me like yeah
yeah i mean i i thought the rock was like i don't know it's a good bad movie that's the thing it's
yeah that's the best way to describe it it's a good bad movie yeah yeah oh man shit i wonder
you want to watch that have you seen roadhouse uh no patrick swayze plays a right this is the this is right if you
haven't seen roadhouse 1989 it is a wonderfully bad movie one of my favorite bad movies so there's
like a club some a bar real shit kicking bar it's out of control the owner needs a special bouncer
to come in and set everything right because there's like the bouncers are running drugs
there's lots of uh sex going on going on between the bands and stuff.
It's completely out of control.
And they bring in Patrick Swayze.
And he brings in that guy who always plays a cowboy, Sam.
God, what's his name?
He's got a big mustache from 90% of the time.
He was in Parks and Rec as the sort of anti-
Sam Elliott.
Oh, does he have a really deep voice and he looks a bit like Ted Glenn?
Yeah, exactly.
He's like that. Oh, yeah. He's in deep voice and he looks a bit like Ted Glenn? Yeah, exactly. He's like that.
Oh, yeah.
He's in The Big Lebowski.
The dude of birds.
That guy.
Yeah, yeah.
So he's in it and he's like Patrick Swayze's mentor.
So they come in to clean up the bar.
And it's just the most bizarre story because by doing this, somehow, this attracts the ire of the local supervillain who lives in a massive mansion on the other side
of the river. And the town that he has under his sway, which is apparently paid for this mansion
and all these millions of dollars that he's got, is like the tiniest one horse town with like one
street. And this guy just fucks up like a local car dealership with a monster car and stuff.
And Patrick Swayze is like really out for revenge and stuff. And it's just the weirdest movie,
but it's wonderful.
It's absolutely wonderful.
It's like,
um,
whoever made the movie clearly knew that Patrick Swayze at that point in
1989 was a big heartthrob.
So there's like needless shots of Patrick Swayze getting out of the bathtub,
just flexing his muscles and stuff.
It's so bad.
It's hilarious.
I love it.
I absolutely love that movie.
So that is a good,
bad movie.
Yeah.
There's a bunch of them.
I'll check that one out. Roadhouse. Roadhouse. I think love that movie. So that is a good, bad movie. Yeah. There's a bunch of them. I'll check that one out.
Roadhouse.
Roadhouse.
I think I might have seen it, but it sounds familiar.
We always talk about it.
It's got all these great recommendations for good, bad movies to watch.
Yeah.
What was that other one that you said?
Battleship or something?
Battleship.
Battlefield Earth.
Battlefield Earth is terrible.
Which is amazing because that's that's like when scientology was like
at its peak of of like um it was everywhere you know you couldn't stop reading about it
everybody's there was a big panic about it and all the celebrities i mean tom i haven't seen
tom cruise and scientology and all that shit all over the news in ages like it's not what it was
like back back you know when the south park did their big rip on it and everything and battlefield earth came out i think it was actually quite a while
ago and it was obviously the hip thing for celebrities to do was to get into scientology
and like what's his name john travolta um forrest whitaker and and um what's that guy's name barry
pepper they're all scientologists and they're all in the movie. And it's a bit like if you ever watched a religious movie,
like when Mel Gibson made The Passion, right?
Mel Gibson's a massive, massive religious nut.
He's one of those cats that's called that tie a leather strap around their legs
so they're constantly in pain to remind them of Jesus's sacrifice.
They're religious loons, okay?
So these guys are Scient They're religious loons. Okay. So these guys are Scientologist religious loons and they've made this movie
and they're taking it so seriously.
And it's really,
they're trying to really say something with this movie and it's just
unbelievable.
They have cavemen flying jet planes at the end of the movie.
Okay.
That's basically what happens at the denouement.
You have,
you have John travolta
shooting the legs off a field of cows you have uh it's just bonkers it's absolutely bonkers i i you
couldn't describe it you have to see it yeah oh my god nice holy crap well that is that's what we
got time for this week actually on the trifles broadcast uh it's been a real good one i really
enjoyed it those bodegas were great.
Holy shit, they were so funny.
We've got more for next time.
We've got more for next time. I can't wait.
Big up to the teacher and all those kids.
Yay.
Well done, guys.
Well done, guys.
You did it.
Well done.
Shout out to all of you guys out there supporting the Traveller's Podcast.
Thank you very much.
See you next week.
Peace.
Bye.
Goodbye.