Triforce! - Triforce! Mailbag Special #26: Baron Von Neversperm

Episode Date: December 13, 2023

Triforce Mailbag Special 26! The entirety of Australia fights back against Pyrion, Lewis wants to try four contraception remedies at the same time and Sips won't give in to male ego in one of the most varied mailbags yet! Go to http://auraframes.com/triforce to get up to $30 off Aura’s best-selling frames. Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickaxe. I'm choking on these emails, there's so many of them. I've had a lot, a lot of emails in the last couple of weeks. What is the general tone of said emails? Angry Australians. Jesus, okay. Okay. Would you like an example? Yes, please. Just dipping in, this is subject line, Triforce Australia the Hellhole, all caps.

Right, sure. Now, okay, I the Hellhole. All caps. Right. Sure. Now, okay. I need some context. What did we talk about? So last mailbag, or it might have been just a regular Triforce. I can't remember. You were talking about going to Australia.

And I said I would never go. And I said I didn't even think that it was meant to be inhabited by human beings. It was so inhospitable, a terrain so little of it that you could actually live in or farm in or do anything with and that you may as well be living on the moon and that there are too many horrifying, terrifying creatures living there. Sure, yes. That was the gist of it.

So the Australian Tourist Board obviously were like, no, mate, it's real nice over here. No, mate, you couldn't be wrong, actually. Yeah, exactly. I did watch last Stop Lar larimer by the way i don't know if we talked about this podcast it's like a documentary about um this little shit town in in bumfuck nowhere in australia on one of these north south roads where you know it used to be a stop off for people to refuel but now with with big fuel tanks no one stops there and it's got like 10 people left living there and they're all like tiger king level of mad insanity you know

they're all super weird people yeah and um they all hate each other it turns out these 10 people who live in the middle of fucking nowhere yeah and one of them disappeared and it's this whole mystery over who who killed him he went missing hated him. But any of us could have killed him. I could have killed him. I mean, they're all fucking... It's honestly really, really worth a watch. And it honestly is quite endearing. So it didn't make me want to go to Australia, though.

I've got to admit. Well, this might not either. This is from Sam. I visited Brisbane, Australia, for a month about a decade ago. Brisbane, you mean? Brisbane, sure. And just before we went there was a huge rain, which caused the river to burst its banks.

This meant that the bull sharks, which swim up the river from the ocean, were spotted on multiple occasions swimming in the streets. It's not just the land-based killers you have to worry about in the city. Wow. That's great. Bull sharks swimming in the streets. that is so that was a brit

saying yeah you're right here's one from an aussie uh that's how it's been signed and it's simply titled australia greater than britain okay why are you so salty about the existence of australia inventing reasons to not visit uh so again i'm not salty about the existence of a continent or subcontinent why are you so salty about the existence of australia mate invent reasons not to visit it takes too long bro my ancestors spent months on a sailing ship to come here from britain but you can't do 24 hours just because your ancestors didn't make the trip doesn't mean you can be that salty i'm not again i'm not salty i just don't want to fucking go if i've been if i've been and said i don't want to go back it was awful you could call me salty this is not salt again you guys don't understand the fucking words you're using maybe language

didn't make it down under yet that's not salty i don't want to fucking go all right that's not so that's reluctance everything is really starting off this this podcast they come at me hard and they're very rude everything is trying to kill you. We're really starting off this podcast with some rage. They come at me hard, and they're very rude. Everything is trying to kill you. Just because every square inch of Britain is either suburban sprawl, cleared farmland, or managed parkland, doesn't mean you can be nasty to the humble huntsman spider.

See, again, he's trying to defend the huntsman. Seriously. No, I think that's sarcastic, right? No, even the natural parts of Britain are fake and managed. The natural parts of Australia are actually natural. Australia is a land of potential. Australia is just britain but further down the culture and tech trees you can stay on your miserable gray island with a rotting economy and street gangs increasingly taking over the dull townhouse corpses of the outer suburbs or you can come for a visit

with lulu and sips and see what sunshine and a proper beach is like you cannot be miserable on the beach it's just fact you should try it that's typical of the sort of email i've had it's true first of all it's very easy to be measurable on a beach again you get there if you're not the kind of person who quite frankly is dull-minded and can spend eight hours just sitting and staring at nothing i'm sure the beach is great fun right no okay uh i imagine like do you know what I think is going to happen? You're going to land on the beach in Australia, and they're going to tell, because you're going to have, like, the pheromones or whatever,

like, I hate this, like, you know, and the spiders are going to be drawn to it. I didn't think there were spiders on the beach. And you're going to get instantly killed. I think the only people who've been left in Australia are the people who are recklessly optimistic and, you know, positive. And in my experience, you know, Australia is very upbeat folks, you know, nice folks. Well, judging by these emails, Lewis, beneath the surface of that.

All the grumpy grouch people stayed back in England. No, I'm telling you that the opposite is true. They are at war with each other as well. Do you know how many of these emails I've had saying Melbourne is better than Sydney? Sydney is better than Melbourne. Fuck Brisbane. All of this. Literally every single one of them.

Well, they're all so far apart. They've never visited each other's cities. They might as well just be in different countries. They're so far apart. Exactly. It takes 15 hours to drive anywhere. They're all in different time zones and everything. It's crazy.

They've got like six time zones in Australia. Another one of these ones, I'm not going to read all of them because there's so many. Saying that me saying it's too far is silly because I went to Singapore. I was paid to go to Singapore. It is far. I was there for work. It is really far. They paid for the flights and I was paid money for being there.

Is it easier to get to from LA? How far is it to fly from LA to... It's still very far. It's still very far. You have to cross the Atlantic... the Pacific Ocean, sorry. Like, it's very far. It's like half the world, yeah. So I mean, if you go to Google Maps and zoom out, right, you go all the way down there, there's Australia, right? So you'd have to fly over the whole of Europe, the whole of the Middle East, you'd be over the Indian Ocean, you'd get to Australia. If that was the route you took i don't know what la to australia it's about it comes up

straight away it is uh how long is the flight to l from la to australia 15 hours and 14 minutes oh my god on top of already was it like 11 12 hours for us to get to LA? It's about 10, yeah. It's about 10, 10 and a half. Jesus. Well, there's a direct flight from the UK to West Australia. Yeah. You could go to- and then you'd have to go across Australia, which is the equivalent to going across the whole of Europe, and then some. It's fucking huge.

So yes, it's a long way. This is more like it. This is more like the kind of email, this one was the best one I received this week for multiple reasons. I'm doing this. Return fare. You're doing what? I'm going to book us three flights from Heathrow to Australia. Is that you and your family?

No, us three. I'm doing it right now. So one of those tickets isn't getting used. If anyone wants a free ticket to Australia. No, no. I just want to see how much it costs. This is on British Airways, okay? Oh oh this is going to be like 10 grand sydney nova scotia no sydney kingsford smith australia yeah sure for three adults uh travel class economy yeah sure i mean yeah we'll just die that's fine when do you want to go i'm saying

let's go in march okay march 13th um and we're gonna go for two weeks two weeks okay we're gonna come back on the 27th of march yeah right i'm finding flights right now let's put this one to bed boys three flights okay economy flights for three of us um it would take us two days to get there yeah uh flight details let me tell you from london to sydney we would leave london heathrow at 9 50 at night which is really depressing that's quite late uh and we would arrive we would leave on wednesday the 13th of march and we would arrive in sydney at terminal one on fr Wednesday the 13th of March, and we would arrive in Sydney at Terminal 1 on Friday the 15th of March at 6.55am. Yeah.

So you spent a full day. It's a 22 hour flight with one stopover in Changi Airport? That's in Singapore, that's Changi Airport. It's an amazing airport, that's where we're visiting. Right. Okay, so... That could be our first visit. Okay, you guys want- that's a direct flight, we're gonna take that one.

It's not direct, is it? And we're flying economy, right? That's not direct, but yes, go on. Three of us... Okay, well, it's saying it's listing as direct, okay? Okay, which is all right, but sure. Three of us flying basic economy. This is hand baggage only, allocated seats, or pay to choose any time, complimentary meals and drinks, and seat back power, and on-demand

entertainment sounds right and the price is okay and uh this that was just for going there i'm gonna tell you in a minute i'm looking at the flights back now edging us so bad okay flight So bad. Okay, flight details. So from Sydney to London, we would leave at 4.30 p.m. Sydney time on the 27th of March. Why is this taking so long? And we wouldn't get back until the 28th of March at 5.25 in the morning. Yes, fine, fine. How much? 23 hours. You want to take that one?

Economy again? Yes! For all three of us to fly there, direct economy, it's going to cost somebody, and probably not me, five grand. Okay. Five grand. That's not too bad. That's fucking dreadful.

5,000 pounds. 5,000 pounds. That's just flights. We're staying there for two weeks. We'd need hotels or some sort of hostel or maybe like a camping ground or something i wouldn't camp camping i'm not camping there they got huntsman spiders out there there's no way i'm going out there in the in the outback i'd need at least a hotel at least here's an email this is from neve triforce hot girl hopes to convince perian to come to australia this is the closest

is the closest we've come is the closest we've come to a yes it's like it like hot as in it's summer over there she's boiling no no she's very hot long time listener first time email a big fan of the podcast you guys have kept me company during some of the most challenging moments of my life and i'm beyond grateful you're welcome as a british australian i was sad to hear you say you'd never come to Australia. After listening and re-listening to the podcast for years, I'm now confident I am just your type. Buxom, thighs that could crush a man, thick dark hair that falls to my ass, 5'6", and so on.

As such, I was hoping if anyone could soften you up to visit us here down under, I was hoping it would be a hot buxom woman. Listen, you're close. It's still not enough. I'm sorry. You're very hot, but it's not enough. We've seen Flax's search history and recommendations. True. I don't think Buxom does not cover it. You need to be-

No, Buxom is fine. It's a spectrum. It's like Buxom plus plus for Flax, I think, based on what I've seen. I'm just saying that I'm not a one type't I'm not a one one type kind of guy. I like I like all kinds of ladies. But obviously she is essentially describing my ideal type. Even Australian ladies. Yeah, that's I have no problem with Australian. Oh, no.

She said she's British. She's British Australian. So reasons you should come to Australia. And this is interesting because every single Aussie that's emailed in has had a fucking caveat in their email. OK, and this is an example. If you respect the wildlife, it will respect you. Brackets. Unless it's a crocodile.

They're murderous bastards. Stay away. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. That is what I'm talking about. Is that it always comes with a caveat. Like, oh yeah, Mike, there's no animals in Sydney. It's like, so you want me to travel all the way to Australia just to be in a city? Like, I don't see how Sydney or Melbourne could be so fucking good that I will fly for

a day at the cost of thousands of pounds just to be in another city. So what you're really selling is the nature and the wildlife of Australia, which means I will have to go out and face my fears of crocodiles, sharks, box jellyfish, more sharks, sharks in the fucking river, spiders jumping out at me, God knows what else. God knows what else. Snakes, spiders, snakes, snakes, spiders, and sharks. In my experience, the only British people that move to Australia are on that TV show, that location, location, down under, whatever, or what's the name of that show? The one where they have to choose whether they want to stay in Britain or make the move

to Australia? Oh, yes. It's on daytime TV. And I think they're usually looking to run away and make a new life. They never sell any of this stuff to them either when they're down there. They're like, it's close to schools. It's probably a bit more of a commute than you're used to. So you'd have to weigh up whether you can afford to buy this property

and get your ass to work and stuff like that. You know, they never talk about the wildlife. They never talk about even being outside. They just say like it's close to school. Sometimes they say it's close to a beach, but they don't actually talk about going to a beach or being on a beach in any capacity. It's really like, it's like the tangible stuff, you know? Yeah.

So I don't know where I was going with this, but... No, that's fine. I just thought I'd mention it. We don't know where we're going with any of this at any point. So yeah, so thank you, Australians, for all your many really offensive emails. There's a lot of them I didn't read out. People just call me a cunt and tell me I was wrong. It's not only expensive for us to go there but it's really time consuming as well and it takes a long time that long on a flight that's even lewis

is old now we're all in the in the 40 plus club now before lewis might have with his youth might have been able to carry us there or whatever but now we're all old officially so we can't go i'm sorry you want me to go to the beach where you can't go in the water because you'll get killed by something you want me to go and enjoy the nature where you can't go there because not just that but if i'm in the sun i'm like a tomato i just exactly i don't even enjoy it i get all hot and sweaty and i burn immediately i'm just i'm not i'm not built to be outside, unfortunately. I volunteer. You've already been, you idiot.

You've been before. I know, but I volunteer again. Give me this woman's number. I'll take one for the team guys. The only way I'll go is if we fly from France and we take a train there together first. I'm not going. We'll fly from Paris, okay?

No! It might be shorter. How about we just, how about we train the whole world? Take an hour off the flight. I'll do way? No, I'll do the train thing. I'll do the train thing to France. That sounds lovely, but I will not. And you can mark me down, put this on my gravestone. You want to Michael Portillo it, though?

Like, you want to go on? No, he will never go, period flag, rest in peace, period flags. He never went to Australia and he never will, even in death. And he never will go on a train with Michael Portillo either? Not with Portillo. I'll go on a train with you lads, but not with Portillo. You don't want to go on with Portillo? What if he's got a lot of factoids to share with you?

Like really interesting ones. That's one of the reasons I don't want to go on a fucking train with Portillo. He'd probably be wearing some like red jeans and maybe a blazer. A fire shirt, yeah. Hello, I'm Michael Portillo. We're taking a train ride today. Isn't that fun jolly good fun tell me you drive the train dude he does that awkward thing where he tries to lean and look

casual and talk to a working class person he's trying to talk to the everyday men and women yeah good joke plebeians i've arrived this is a change of subject a britney spears stands response to your slander i think that is like a big fan a stand so just in case anyone doesn't know that a stand a stand long time listener first time writer this had to change once i listened to the most recent mailbag episode where you slander britney let me clear some things up for you mainly her career you said died after four years. Did I say four years?

Maybe One More Time came out in 99. Oops, I Did It Again, 2000. Britney in 2001. And then In The Zone came out in 2003. That's a four-year career. There is then a four-year gap before Blackout, okay? I'm just saying, if your career is at its peak, you ain't waiting four years for another album.

Anyway, Britney is a cultural icon and is wholly credited for many, by many, for reviving teen pop. Okay? You all said you know the song Toxic from her In The Zone album. Here are some more, which you will 100% have heard of. Gimme More from Blackout, which is the one that starts with, It's Britney, Bitch.

So that was the one that came out in 2007. Right. I think that's the only song that I could know from that album. Circus and Womanizer from the album Circus. Don't know either of those songs. No, me neither. Criminal from Femme Fatale. Don't know that song.

Don't know that one. Work Bitch from Britney Jean. Oh, Work Bitch, I know that one. I don't know that because of Simon. I only know it because of Simon as well, yeah. Right. So after Britney Jean in 2013, her career does admittedly die. But this is mainly due to her conservatorship. Again, not having a fucking pop at Britney.

Britney stands or I'm not having a go at her. I'm not telling her she wasn't trying hard enough. Just saying that if you're comparing her heyday to the fact that I might know one song from an album that came out a few years later with her at her peak, she'd been overtaken. You guys are going to be thrilled when I tell you I actually have some up-to-date relevant britney verse news to share with you and it's based off of a uh something that we discussed on a previous episode we were talking about i'm a celebrity get me out of here and jamie lynn spears is of course one of the contestants britney's younger sister. And I predicted that she would leave because everything I've seen her on, she quits because she misses her kids too much. Guess who fucking quit? I'm a celebrity, get me out of here, yesterday because she misses

her kids too much. Wow. It's pathetic. It's pathetic. Honestly, get a fucking grip. You've got a job to do, get on with it. Get on with it for fuck's sake. Look, the Spears are a bunch of quitters let me out space fans oh my god her sister quits britney fucking quit she quit i don't know if she quit oh she quit but at some point i feel like she might have had she might have had meth teeth at one point though because her teeth are fucked right now i tell you i don't know what has happened but they are all over the damn place this is somebody who's had perfect uh teeth her whole life it looks like

except for in the last year like how does this happen to somebody i don't know um stay tuned though we'll we'll figure it out we'll find out someone right in i'm sure listen listen britney peering you're getting it in the neck today, and I want to say, I feel great about that. I know you do. It's normally you. And this is such a relief to do a podcast where you're on the back foot. I don't feel like it is normally you.

I think it firmly is Normally Flax who is getting it. It's not Normally Flax. I do get a lot of shit, but I also talk a lot of shit. He seems to bring out the worst in Mailer's Inn. The point is, I speak the truth, and the idiots out there that email in and try to correct me look like fools. And you know, I'm sorry, but I'm unapologetic in saying what I want to say. This sounds like one of Trump's speeches.

It does. It does. I'm just saying. I'll fall on that sword. Hey, there's a real fucking song for you Britney fans. Yeah, yeah. If you want me to come out to a Britney concert with you- In Australia, yeah.

Give Lulu a call. Let me know. I will fall on that sword. I'll be watching Taylor Swift in the UK, a superior country and a superior artist. Next. Okay. Here's another fucking Australia email. This is pretty much all we've had this week.

Do spearmaniacs and Swifties get along? No, I don't think they do. Oh my God, they're different generations. One of them is 10 years older and much angrier. And very successful. What do Britney Spears fans call themselves? Losers. Oh, fucking hell. this one is titled period don't be a coward just listen to the latest every fucking meal

where flack said he would never set foot in australia for reasons that were weak to be honest all i heard was that you were afraid of animals i've been here i assumed you always have been kind of half joking about this, though, right? You're not super serious about actually being scared of wildlife, right? I think they're pushing him into being serious, though. I think the reactions...

You can't back me into a corner. I either have an opinion or I don't. What I'll be honest with you is I genuinely don't like the idea of being somewhere where I have to be careful all the time about what might be under a pillow or in my shoe or under the toilet seat or that there might be a snake that bites me and

they're all emailing in saying things like nobody's died period we got anti-venom it's fine I almost died of a spider bite since 1978 all this stuff I don't care the trauma of being bitten by an insect would be so horrifying that it would it would genuinely chill me to the bone now i love the way that nowadays apparently people's fears and feelings and how they feel we've all got to be very careful but i say that i'm scared of going to australia because i don't like the idea of the horrifying wildlife and all i get is venom the actual kind of venom is really scary to me the venom that you're emailing me in with i don't give a fuck all right it's like water off a bull shark's back i don't care keep emailing while he's in the city i don't fucking care interesting i feel like i kind of don't believe you a little bit though

like in my in my heart of hearts i think period you're a big old softy and we could you know if we got you in a five-star resort we said don, don't worry, we're not going to go camping, we're just going to drive around in a Land Rover. How are you going to get me there? You're going to have to drug me very, very, very successfully. Well, that's the thing. The journey is, I mean, I only had like a four-hour flight to the Canary Islands and I don't travel well. I get like fucking car sick in the taxi on the way to the airport.

I like get like stressed out and like anxious with all the people around going through security and all that bothers me, and then on the plane it's really noisy and my fucking sinuses all like, swell up, and I get this air pressure thing where I get this terrible headache, and it doesn't even go away, and so I got- Don't get me started on the diarrhea. The airplane food sucks my ass off. Yeah, like, I'm just an absolute wreck by the time I get there. the airplane food sucks my ass off yeah like it's a fucking

I'm just I'm an absolute wreck by the time I get there and that's like a short flight I don't like travelling yeah travelling is just fucking the worst like when I have to go away

for a donor event or something the worst part is travelling the actual journey being there fuck I love it I love it

I don't mind once I'm there you know I get on with the job I generally pretty much everywhere I've travelled I've been pretty happy there it. Yeah, I don't mind. Once I'm there, you know, I get on with the job. I generally, pretty much everywhere I've traveled, I've been pretty happy there. I've enjoyed it. I don't mind being the driver. It's just being the drivee.

Yeah. You know what my big gripe is nowadays? When did Club Europe stop being so exclusive? Because every time I go into the business lounge, I can't even keep it when did they stop doing those lovely little sausages in the business lounge that really bothers me there's a guy in here he's not even wearing a goddamn suit oh man so true though so true fuck all right i got an email for you, Sips. Oh, for me, okay. This is almost a ten year old callback. Okay. Is it angry in tone?

No. Oh, okay, great. Just writing in wondering if Sips ever elaborated on his experience of getting robbed at Peppa Pig World. So in 2014, you tweeted, to whomever just robbed me earlier at Peppa Pig World, I salute you, that took some major balls. You tweeted, to whomever just robbed me earlier at Peppa Pig World, I salute you. That took some major balls. That's a pretty good tweet, actually.

I was not robbed at Peppa Pig World. I think I just tweeted because I thought that that would sound funny. And now hearing it back, that's a long lost and forgotten tweet. It's not bad. It's not a bad one. So you were never robbed at Peppa Pig World? No, never. Never. That's funny. Oh, that's a long lost and forgotten tweet. It's not bad. It's not a bad one. So you were never robbed at Peppa Pig World? No, never. Never.

That's funny. Oh, that's a relief. Then that is just a funny email. I was kind of robbed in Paris one time, though. I was telling people this story recently, and people seem to feel really sorry for me as well. But it's not like a tale of woe. It was just one of those guys that tries to sell you a bracelet

for 20 bucks, and it's not worth 20 bucks, but he just holds your wrist very firmly until you give him 20 bucks. And that happened to me and my wife, and we were like, well, that sucks, but at least we're alive, I guess. Yeah. We just carried on. That is scary. That's like being bitten by a spider, isn't it?

A little bit, yeah. Please don't bring it up again. Here's another email for you, Sips. Disneyland scalpers. Oh, yes. Okay, here we go. This is from Joe. This one's for Sips.

Earlier this year, I bought tickets from a scalper outside Disneyland Paris. Fucking hell. No, I am sadly not a billionaire. My wife and I were camping away in the north of France when coming up with stuff to do,

realized it was only a couple of hours to Disneyland. We figured we could just drive there and they would have a ticket office. Luckily, we bumped into a lovely chap named Kelechi who sorted us out. Kelechi, if you're listening to this podcast, thanks again. Kelechi, I just want to say also, I went to school with a guy named Kelechi in kindergarten.

Kelechi, if you're listening, God bless you. Your Spider-Man costume for Halloween when we were seven years old, I'll never forget it. You tore the ass out of it and everybody saw your underpants and I'll never forget it. Love you Kolechi. Holy crap. Holy crap. That's true.

This is an email from all of us. This is questions from a male birth control researcher. I am a scientist currently working on developing male contraception. Right. There are several potential methods of male birth control being researched. And in this field, we often talk about which one might become the most popular among men. I've listed four different male birth control methods below, and would love to hear your thoughts on which one you'd prefer.

So, I mean mean this is specifically because i talked about having a vasectomy would i have opted just cut my dick off just cut it off i'm done with it anyway it doesn't barely work anymore just cut it off so here you go number one and just consider these and then we'll all discuss which one we'd like okay a gel that you apply to your shoulders at the start of each day i would rather apply it to my scrotum, but- Can you wait until I finish the list? Personal preference. Just wait. And similar to the- I'm sorry. The gel contains hormones that lower your sperm count to infertile levels. Takes a few weeks to work, so you've got to build it up, and then once you stop using the gel, it takes a few

weeks for the effect to wear off. So like a nicotine patch. So basically like drinking Mountain Dew regularly. Option two, a daily pill that contains a drug lowering your sperm count to infertile levels. Same as above with the couple of weeks to start working, couple of weeks to wear off. So it's a daily pill. A pill that you take 15 to 30 minutes before sex. The pill contains a drug that prevents sperm from swimming and moving so they can't reach and fertilize the egg. The effects wear off after about 24 hours. A gel-like material that is injected via minimally invasive surgery into the tube that sperm travel through during ejaculation.

That would be the vas deferens, I believe. This blocks sperm from being ejaculated, and as a result, they die and are reabsorbed into the body. The gel liquefies and disappears after about a year. All of these methods are still in development. For the purposes of the question, you can assume that they're all highly effective, reversible, and have minimal side effects. I love the idea of this gel, but also terrified of the idea of this gel.

What if I'm in the club enjoying myself and somebody just like impromptu starts giving me a massage with some gel that I'm not familiar with and all of a sudden I'm shooting blanks? For a week? Yeah, but still i mean it's unlikely that someone's going to sabotage you by making you short-term infertile isn't it yeah i mean that's still okay i mean okay that's my answer to everything to do with this i mean i think the pill that you take just before sex would be awkward yeah but equally um i'd say that you have to the pill before sex would be awkward. Yeah. But equally, a daily pill that you have to- The pill before sex would be inconvenient, I would say.

I think it would be, but if you're in a relationship, a steady relationship, I could imagine you taking this daily pill just the way women do. Women that are on the pill will be well aware that you have to take a pill every day, and you keep doing that, and it stops your periods, and you can't get pregnant get pregnant that's fine a pill just before sex means you take it out with you yeah you'd think well i'm gonna get lucky slam the pill down and then i guess you'd have to say oh give it a bit hang on baby i just gotta take my infertility pill keep it slow down slow down so i i think that and also maybe you've been drinking, you know, who knows what the efficacy of it is going to be.

And also you would have to just be a hundred percent sure. I'm just saying if you need to not have sex right then and now, condom works just as well, even though they suck to use. It's right there. Just whack a Johnny on. I think it'd be kind of fun though, some of them smell crazy and you can get ribbed ones and stuff. Like, can I do all four?

Yeah, I wouldn't, but sure. This guy wants to become Baron. I'm sick of being infertile. I hate this. I would be Baron von Neversperm. At your service. Do you have any anti-fertility drugs I could snort

while I'm on my way to your house I'm applying the gel right now but I don't feel like it's adequate my plan to destroy my sperm and stop their swimming continues unabated the sperm must be stopped

Baron von Never Spam. The ultimate super villain. I will not impregnate any of you. My spam must be stopped. Fine. We got some more. These are a couple of good ones. None of you will have

my babies. You are missing out. I are a couple of good ones. None of you will have my babies. You're missing out. I would make beautiful children as well. Oh, fuck. This one's titled Confessions of a Copper, meaning police officer. Oh, this could be good. I'm a 20-year-old PC investigator, which means I do the job of a detective, but none of the cool name benefits and for shit crimes in the Met Police Fair Play.

And I have a few stories I thought you would particularly enjoy. Oh man, I've been watching the Met. That was a great show. Yeah, it was a good show. Oh fuck, it's so good. I haven't watched all of it yet. Oh, there was just a- Oh, I finished it.

There's a new one that was on last night. You're not done? Yeah, so I watched five and I've got one more. So I interviewed a man for a relatively minor common assault in custody. I was doing overtime, didn't know much about the case, but love an interview, so couldn't resist. Before we start, I go through the usual rights and entitlements and notice the man I'm interviewing looks extremely nervous. I stop and tell him, don't worry, mate. It's not like you've been nicked for murder before we start recording.

Big mistake. After a couple of seconds of silence, he begins to explain how he did 15 years for murder. Luckily, he was quite sound for a convicted murderer and we had a good laugh. Oh, gosh. Number two, charging an aggressive man for a scrap at a pub. He's so pissed off that we have to charge him in his cell instead of the sergeant's desk.

As soon as the sergeant walks over to the cell, he makes a big mistake of not checking through the little door thing and opens the door to have a mound of Guinness-powered shit launched at his shirt, splattering him and the walls. It's like having to have a mound of Guinness-powered shit launched at his shirt, splattering him and the walls. It's like having to get a team of trained officers to extract him from the cell the

following morning to go straight to court. It's like taking a flight with Lewis. Well, indeed, because he would not stop shitting, wanking, and pissing all over the cell. God almighty. A friend of mine was involved in a warrant for a man involved in supplying drugs while on a neighborhood team. Having smashed down the door and flown in and nicked him, they start to conduct a search. Right across from his bedroom they find a locked room, which also gets smashed in with hopes to find a stash of Class B drugs,

only to find what could only be described as a shrine to M&Ms and M&Ms world. Statues, models, boxes of M&Ms from around the world that were all seized as proceeds of crime, and apparently put to him an interview. So this guy had an M&M shrine. I'd always wondered who goes to the M&M store in Leicester Square. It's this guy. Jesus Christ. Who loves M&Ms that much? That's so strange. When you said M&M, I thought you meant like the rapper, but then I realized quickly that actually you meant the candies. He means M&Ms.

Jesus Christ. That's crazy. That's wild. That is crazy. Yeah, that's weird for sure. This Christmas, when you give someone a gift, you want them to enjoy it immediately. There's no long setup or batteries required or assembly that makes anyone frustrated. There's so many reasons that I love Aura Frames, but honestly, like the quick setup might be

my favorite. I set mine up out the box. You start by downloading the Aura app for free, which takes no time to get the frame ready. And then you can set it to your Wi-Fi and get pictures uploading immediately. All your grandparents have to do is unbox the frame and plug it in. Super simple. Wirecutter called it the best digital picture frame. It's such a great great gift even for the most tech unsavvy people in your life that's me i'm the most tech unsavvy in my whole life i do love my aura frame like genuinely we uh we we gave them to everyone um so my sisters go on my mum's got one and we could

just like share pictures of the kids to it and that like that's grand that's grandparent crack right there you know what i mean they're're just like this sitting there and suddenly new pictures pop up. And it's their grandkids. They're like, oh, look at that. I'm so happy in this cool uniform. And then you get a WhatsApp message or a Facebook message saying, just received this wonderful picture of my fabulous granddaughter. And they're happy and you're happy.

And it's minimal effort. It is. That's the way I put it. Minimal effort. That's the key is the minimal effort. Everybody loves minimal effort. And it is genuinely very easy to set up so uh i i we love the aura frame thank you so much give the perfect gift this holiday season by visiting auraframes.com today and get 30 of their best-selling frames with the code triforce that's auraframes.com promo code

triforce the frames sell out quickly though so get yours before they're gone terms and conditions apply on with the show here's another one this is titled i am a poo scientist nice uh hello chaps i wonder if this might be interesting since late 2020 i have been a poo scientist not the official job description it turns out that covid replicates in the gut lining just as happily as your throat lining because they're quite similar on a cellular level. This means that when you get COVID, you also shit COVID. Lots of it. So much ends up in municipal wastewater that a litre gathered at a sewage plant can be

put through a PCR machine that amplifies up the RNA from the virus and lets us work backwards to estimate the number of cases in the population upstream. It doesn't matter if you're asymptomatic, too lazy to report your tests, or an anti-vaxxer, your coronavirus ends up in my one-litre milk bottle. Oh, man. I usually use a machine called an auto-sampler at the sewage plant, which is basically a fridge with a hose out the back

that takes little sips every 10 minutes to give an average over 24 hours. That's fucking interesting, though, to be fair. It's gross. That's what you call your penis. Little zips. Yeah, that is actually, yeah. When they break, the long ladle does the trick.

At current, our freezer has 2,000 toilet water samples going back three years, and we're frankly running out of space. Since we can detect it five days before symptoms show, we've accurately predicted a few outbreaks before hospitals got hit in some towns, which makes hauling up and down the M1 in a boiler suit and van full of brown bottles worth the hassle. I would also like to nominate my lab as the one place worse than a prison to receive a jugging. Much love, John.

Best of luck to you. Holy shit man, that's pretty neat actually. Boiling shit. That's neat. Gross, but interesting. shit man that's it that's pretty that's pretty neat actually that's neat gross but uh interesting oh man i like that i like those little quirky quirks of like cool ways to like solve um problems you know yeah it's really interesting yeah um here this is a weird one you guys um listening to this podcast will have to look this image up for yourself, you'll see what I mean. So I'm going to read the email to you guys. First of all, the email says long-term listener, blah, blah, blah. As you know, pretty much anyone can post songs on Spotify. This week,

I came across a song called Astronaut in the Ocean by Abyss Walker and Sammy Slamdance. The song and the artists are quite usual, but the song cover picture caught my eye. For a short period, I was certain that the two astronauts were Perion and Sips. Here is the image. Okay... Yeah, that is us. That is the image on Spotify. Okay, that's 100%.

Yeah. That is very funny. So these two guys really do look a lot like Sips. Yeah, it looks like AI art generated. But yeah, it does. I think it is us. That looks like AI art generated. But yeah, it does. I think it is us. That looks like us. So nevertheless, this got me thinking.

If you started a backup career as singers, what would your stage names be, and what type of music would you sing? Holy crap. This is to all of us. So I think Sips might be able to get into Wu-Tang. Yeah, I could easily, yeah. I know all of their back catalog, like the back of my hand.

I could fill in for one of them. You could be like, SZA. Maybe all of them, actually. The GZA, the RZA, the SZA. Yeah, that's right, yeah. Is that already a person? No, there's the GZA and the RZA, but he could be the SZA. I could be the SZA, yeah.

I think there is a girl singer though, called SZA. Well, let's have a look. Wu-Tang. I mean, bear in mind, Wu-Tang ain't nothing to fuck with. Let's have a look and see. There's RZA, the JZA, the Inspector Deck, U-God, Ghostface Killer, Method Man, Rayquan, Master Killer, and Capadonna. And the Musely Man as well. The Musely Man.

Yeah, he's in there, too. So, in fact, your name doesn't have to fit any kind of rule system. It doesn't really need to, no. But it could be SZA, like it could be CZA after my real name, SZA. It doesn't have to be an S, you know what I mean? Yeah. It could even be like Sizzle. Sizzle.

Because then it's even more of your real name. Lil Sizzle. I could revive the Lil Rage fad, remember? God. Yes! Lil Bow Wow. He's not ever gone away. Lil Cease.

I could be Lil Sizzle. They're still doing that. Lil Xan? Is that one? I don't know. Either way, I hate the Lil thing. Lil Caesars? You're a grown up.

Why are you calling yourself Lil? That's ridiculous. The only people who could do it would be a child rapper. I don't want a fucking grown man telling me he's called- Call me Lil- Lil Steve. It's like Lewis was saying before, I call my penis Lil Sips, but, um, I call it that in the same way that Robin Hood would call Lil Jon- Lil Jon's huge. I see.

He's massive. So, it's being ironical. Yeah. Uh, uh, here's one, this is an update. Do you remember we were talking about the très grand vitesse? Yes. Yes. So a lot of people have emailed in saying, if you think that's stupid, our train is called high speed one.

Yeah. Or high speed two. So I'm not saying that calling it very fast train is stupid. I'm saying that they get away with it because take on the test sounds good but it's essentially just the same as calling it very fast train which is which we've done and it sounds suitably shit but i'm just saying that because the french language sounds cool they can get away with just calling it what are we going to call it just call it very fast train job yeah i think that i think the the acronym sounds good though tgv yeah tgv the dgv yeah it sounds great yeah what's the shinkansen mean i don't

know what that is japan jim isn't between the keys between made uh the muffets you voiced originally voiced kermit the frog as well uh just a couple of factoids there for you shinkansen means new main line really ci it's like that's awful oh no that's sounds cool though new main line really see i think that's awful oh no that's sounds cool though new main line that's not brandable is it but it sounds cool it sounds really cool it sounds cool yeah it's not yeah to foreigners it sounds great yeah i'll take the shinkansen yeah it sounds exotic and interesting it just means new main line i'll take the shit hansen this is i remember we read a really disappointing email about someone someone had a pub in their house this builder was surprised this is a response to this um a time when i was working as a timber farmer making timber garages for people we once got

sent to a site where the customer had three brand new porsches a huge house and their own health and wellness facility across the road i asked my boss how the customer made their money and he said the customer is this captain tom's family these always sound so fake like the the introduction of the job always sounds like you know like yeah one summer i was working as an otter fluffer and um i just happened to cross a garbage can that was open on the you know what i mean like it just says okay like whatever well the boss replied that the customer is the head of a cult and that you should never bring it up to the customer my own curiosity curiosity got the best of me i looked up the area and found

that customers were leaders of a former australian cult called universal medicine once branded the most socially dangerous cult in australia and had relocated to the uk to avoid prosecution here are some of the main points i picked up the great irony of that what that we used to send all our criminals to australia and now they're fucking coming back here to escape look if you've got money you can come to the uk that's been our open door policy for some time how do you i don't want to get political but we let any cunt with money how do you get so much trouble in your own country leave the country and then get accepted into another one i'm asking for a friend because of because of britain that's literally we will take anyone like it because we don't give a fuck there has to have been like a warrant issued almost

immediately half the fucking real estate in london is owned by russian oligarchs yeah it's insane it's literally a new tower block will come out it'll be fucking empty in there because it's all owned by russians and they use it as like vouchers to hide all their fucking massive wealth it's literally literally what's happening. That's why you should vote for me at the next general election. The leader of the cult had two wives, and each one had one of the brand new Porsches. The leader claimed to be a reincarnation- Oh my god, it's like when you've got two kids on Christmas, you've got to buy them

the same thing. Yeah! It's like, oh, I can't get this one a Porsche, because the other one will be jealous. If she's getting a Porsche, I want one too! jealous don't worry i've got you each a porsche he claims to be a reincarnation of da vinci and one of the wives believes she is a reincarnation of winston churchill very good what the fuck they made their money by tricking old people into joining their health and wellness community then we wait for them to be on their deathbed and then they tell them that if they if the will does not go to the cult god will send them to hell so they essentially

scammed millions out of dying old people and the leader met his wife when he was 26 and she was 13 and he was her tennis coach so there you go go ahead Go ahead and look up Universal Medicine. They sound like a bunch of con artists. Well, it sounds like that's exactly what they are. And we let them into the UK. Hell yeah. Get them in.

Fuck. Why does this happen? This is another email. I found out recently that the hit game Euro Truck Simulator sells in-game advertising to real truckers,

real trucking companies due to their players already established experience. My question to you guys is what games do you think have the best or worst transferable skills to real life? So this is an actual article, GamesRadar. Real life trucking companies are trying to hire American truck simulator players with in-game ads.

So there's billboards in American Truck Simulator saying, come and get a real job as a truck driver if you like it, because we want you. Well, that's pretty crazy. I mean, I've played a lot of video games in my time, and I like to think of myself as a capable pilot, surgeon, rocket scientist, mailman, sewage technician, sandwich artiste, power washer, of course, city planner. All these things. I pretty much could do them with my eyes closed now.

I've clocked hundreds and hundreds of hours in these simulators. And yeah, I mean, if anybody wants to hire me, I'm available for birthdays, bar mitzvahs, whatever. I'm free. Let's go. More interesting to me is the idea of ads in video games, like, right. Because Ubisoft had a thing recently where there was like full screen pop up ads coming in one of the games and they were like, whoops, we turned it on by accident. Lol.

But it's a thing that, you know, advertisers or games are always thinking about doing, you know, especially like free to play games or like if you can squeeze ads in there in a way that is you know fairly organic that's like kind of i don't mind like necessarily like can i it's a can i say something to you guys which don't laugh at me because maybe i'm not aware of what's happening here but okay i've gone down a rabbit hole recently where i've been watching a lot of farming simulator stuff on youtube okay because there's been a lot of farming simulator stuff on YouTube. Because there's been a lot of changes to the game and mods and stuff. And I'm interested.

And I've been watching a couple of playthroughs and stuff. Every ad I get served is, and they come up all the damn time for some reason. It's always as an older man, how to talk to a younger woman or pick up a younger woman and i'm wondering if it's because i'm watching farming simulator videos maybe the algorithm just thinks that i'm really fucking lonely or something interesting it's so weird i don't know why i'm getting served these like i that is interesting i have no previous search i like i i'm honestly i have no previous search, like, honestly, I have no previous search history relating to anything like this. So I don't think you'd need to have. I think it might literally just be certain topics are associated with a certain demographic,

and then they're like, what can we sell to these guys? How about how to pick up younger women? Okay, but even more interesting i'm not signed in to youtube on the device that i'm watching this stuff on so it's like that's why it's probably more about the content it's more about the content rather than you it's like that's the kind of ad they stick on this these videos i guess look there's a there's a nice mailbag topic that is not about australia not going to read any more australia emails believe me that is a topic let us know what kind of ads you're getting yeah based on what you're watching it's like the same it's like it's the same couple of ads and they just all the time like guys you

know what ladies don't like about it's like what is this ad like you know when you get the five seconds you just skip it like i don't even know what the rest of it is, but it's like some weird either dating or like pickup thing or something. And there's another one where this guy's like, you don't have to be a sugar daddy to talk to a younger woman or something. I was like, what the fuck is this? I saw this on subreddit and I found it. My father, soon after my mother died immediately began looking for a wife replacement he is surprisingly picky considering his age and

temperament he has often made offhand remarks about women's looks how they age and their weight over the years today on thanksgiving so this is from last week he again was complaining about how women in his area were very wrinkled and son age i told him he is no price in the looks category and isn't one to talk obviously he didn't agree and then the male ego is incredible it is so truly remarkable a bunch of people have replied there's these great things and so one of them is next post is my father is convinced he hasn't aged. Every time a celebrity his own age appears on TV, he comments about their appearance

and asks, do I look that old? Um, you look older. If I said that, he would lose his mind. Yeah. And there's this,

I read this great one on here. It basically said, my father said to me, my 60 year old father said to me he prefers older women and you know they assumed how fucking old are we talking here like 65 66 whatever right but he meant 40 i like him that's what i like him decrepit i like him real old i'm 87 myself but i'd prefer older ladies 35 36 that makes no sense that's so fucking funny though holy shit i mean look in these guys defense and i'm not trying to defend them i'm just saying

culturally speaking you see a lot more older men with younger women yeah but the older men you see fully possible yeah it is but the older men that you see with younger women are usually very rich. Or very famous. Or very famous. Or really, really attractive old men. Right, yeah. It's one of those three.

But it doesn't matter. It's the fantasy. It plants itself in people's heads. This is a possibility. And if I get lucky, this will happen to me. Fucking 75-year-old Jongi Tupperware from Renfrew, Ontario isn't dating a 20-year-old. Unless he's

fucking loaded. Is that a real guy? Young-wee Tupperware. You should not. Who the fuck is that? I don't know. I feel like I know him. You guys don't know Jonggi Tupperware? He's like a French-Canadian icon. You don't know i feel like i know you guys don't know jungi tupperware he's like a french canadian icon you don't know him amazing that we don't gosh well so so crazy

he's a legend in his own lunchtime and he's dating a 20 year old as well my dad was a real this is a post from a random thread and on reddit i know we shouldn't read these but my dad was a real sweetheart uh 99 of the time but every once in a while he was a real ass right about five years ago my dad 75 at the time said to my mom also 75 who had decided to stop coloring her hair i married a brunette oh fuck off holy shit man i looked him up and down rolled my eyes and said so did she boom like drop oh man look my my whole thing is I apologize to Mrs. F constantly. She married a very different man to the one she's stuck with now. I weighed 35 pounds less than I do now.

I had a full head of hair. I was a young buck. I was cool, I like to think. I wasn't cool, but I like to think I had a bit of bit of young young man confidence and energy. And now she's stuck with someone who just bought a steering wheel to play a truck driving video game. Like I am nothing but apologies. The male ego out there saying, oh, you know, don't be lucky to have me. I'm 65. She's 35. She should be lucky that these guys are deluded. That's all it is. It's delusion. It's classic male delusion.

Just get with the program. Realize you are completely worthless. Whatever woman you're with, you're lucky to have her. It's amazing how people can look in the mirror, and I did this this morning, look in the mirror at my grey hair and wrinkles and think oh, you know, I don't want to date a woman who has grey hair and wrinkles.

It's amazing how... While I was staring at my giant gut, I was just thinking to myself gosh, I'd hate to date somebody who had a big gut like these women need to look after themselves a little bit but fart scratches belly fucking hell everybody has an image of themselves i guess isn't it so true is uh this is a good one this is uh from a lad in norway my family owns a mountain cabin in Norway with no central heating.

You have to chop wood and use a fireplace. Okay. No water. You get it from a river. No electricity beyond whatever batteries you bring with you or a flashlight. There's no fridge. They just have a cold cellar. To get there, you have to walk about one and a half kilometers.

It's about a one and a half kilometer drive from the nearest civilization, which is just a gas station. I've played this video game before. I could do all this right it's in the middle of nowhere as as middle of nowhere as you can reasonably get have to bring food with you pull it up there on foot my question is how long do you think you could stand living in such a place we usually vacation there for a week at a time but i've had friends who would love to stay for at least a month and even one that wouldn't mind living there permanently. How long would you like to live there for?

How long could you? I don't think I could, personally. And I don't mind admitting it either. I'm too accustomed to convenience and comfort or whatever. Modern day comforts and convenience. Air fryers. Unless I was absolutely forced to live like that, I feel like I probably could, but I would not willingly do it.

So what's the longest you think you could last? Zero minutes. Zero? Okay. I wouldn't, I just wouldn't even, I wouldn't find it enjoyable to do. Like I just- Set me up with like how this is happening. Is this for a video? Are we doing it as a challenge?

No, this is- If I had to do it, I would do it, but- This is the Triforce mailbag. I wouldn't find it enjoyable to do- People write in with questions, and this is the question. How long could you stand to live in such a place? So they sign off the email by saying, I predict that Sips wouldn't want to be there for even a day. No, I wouldn't. So very accurate. Well done. I, myself, in similar fashion, would not want to fucking be there. Sounds terrible.

Yeah. No offense, it's literally excelling to me. I'm a simple person. Like, I just, you know, I want to watch farming sim videos or whatever. I need the internet. Yeah, I want the internet. I want warmth. I don't want to be too cold.

I don't want to be too hot either. I don't want to be cold. Yeah. It sounds miserable. Yeah. It sounds miserable. Yeah, it just doesn't sound very fun. Lewis? I hate to do this. I wasn't paying attention when you said where. Unbelievable.

That's why I asked that thing, because I was hoping you'd say it again. No. But you're not going to. No. Okay, well- So you get no answer from Lewis. All right, next email. Lewis forgot to pay attention to the question. I don't normally not pay attention. No need for excuses, please. We, next email. Lewis forgot to pay attention to the question. I don't normally

not pay attention. No need for excuses, please. We're moving on. Hi, I'm Dan. What's your opinion on this argument I'm having with my friends? What animal would win

in a fight to the death? For fuck's sake. Can you guys find something better to do with your damn time? Like, fuck. What animal would win in a fight to the death

between a hippo and a polar bear oh for fuck's sake polar bear for sure they're vicious as hell like a hippo i i know hippos have like a street cred or whatever but polar bears rip in a hippo part no problem i'm 100 with you it's a polar bear it's clearly a polar bear they're fucking huge hippos scary big bites polar bears fight walruses they fight other polar bears polar bears are like starving all the time as well like they would they they see a hippo and they're like nothing is stopping me from tearing this thing apart yeah it's a fucking it's the polar bear every fucking day they're more agile bears are much more agile than you think yeah they're fast

yeah hippos are fast across ground. They can outrun a man. They're not slow creatures, but they look unwieldy and cumbersome. I feel like a hippo and a polar bear would probably be the same speed, honestly. It would be a hell of a fight though. Oof. Hell of a fight. Yeah, I wasn't following, what was the- Don't worry about it, it was-

Shut up. We're going to slam this episode closed. That's the end of this episode. Piece of shit. Unbelievable. No, well, I mean, it's gotta be, hasn't it? Yeah, it's gotta be his answer. It's the end. Yeah, that's the end of this episode piece of shit unbelievable

no well I mean it's got to be hasn't it yeah it's got obvious answer yeah that's the obvious one I totally

I mean I'd volunteer guys normally I'm not play devil's advocate but because I wasn't listening this time I'm just going to have to agree

I'm just going to have to agree what were you doing I was trying a new jacket on actually what were you doing instead in the middle of this recording he was staring at his gut and grey hairs in the mirror I was trying a new jacket on what were you doing instead in the middle of this recording

he was staring at his gut and grey hairs in the mirror I was having like an existential crisis yeah did my two dates last week find me even remotely attractive with all this extra puppy fat

and grey hairs yeah well thank you for all the emails attractive with all this extra puppy fat and my grey hair? Oh my god, I'm disgusting. Yeah. Fucking hell. Well, thank you for all the emails this week. We had a bursting mailbag. Listen, Australia, I make no apology for not wanting to come to your country again.

We're kind of puppet Australians. I've not said you guys are evil or terrible people. We did the research live. It's too expensive. We cannot go. It's too expensive. It's too far. We can't justify it. Not in the current financial climate.

There's no way. With inflation. Also, based on the emails, I couldn't even select which city to go to because everybody from their city says that the other cities are terrible and theirs is the best. It's pathetic. And quite frankly, I don't want to read any more about it. You can email in. It's going straight in the bin.

It's going straight in the fucking bin. Unless you're a hot boxing woman who wants to email me pictures of yourself and beg me and quite frankly I don't want to read any more about it you can email in it's going straight in the bin it's going straight in the fucking bin unless you're a hot buxom woman who wants to email me pictures of yourself and beg me to come down there those I will read but not on the podcast

anyway on that bombshell the episode is over thank you everybody and keep those mails coming thank you bye we love you

bye goodbye