Triforce! - YoGPoD 43: Citizenship Test

Episode Date: August 21, 2012

Lewis guides Simon through both the official UK Citizenship Test and also a somewhat unofficial (yet more accurate) UK Citizenship Test! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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be talking about all sorts of gubbins. We're going to be checking through some more listener emails that have been sent in. Oh, I can't wait. I can't wait. Are you excited? I am visibly excited, Lewis. Hello, and welcome to TTT. so what shall we start off with? Have you got anything you particularly want to talk about this week? Has anything happened?

Do you want to bring up anything on the agenda? The Higgs boson was discovered And that seems to be the huge news story that everyone's talking about. And it's strange because it was only a couple of weeks back that everyone was talking about bath salts and how they make people crazy and someone turned into a zombie and was eating someone's face. And I'm thinking it may be.

What? Maybe the two things are related. That maybe if you take. I didn't hear about these bath salts being caused by to make people eat each other what was did i miss i completely missed that it's bath salts it's the big news story that everyone was talking about across the entire world everyone was going crazy there was this news story right and it said that basically there's going to be a zombie apocalypse because some crazy guy was eating a face.

What? And it didn't make a lot of sense. No. I've not even heard of this until now. But, oh, my goodness. Well, that was a crisis averted. It's crazy that you haven't heard of that. That was like the biggest news story.

I'm too busy. That's crazy. Well, there you go. But it hasn't caused a zombie apocalypse. We're all still fine i think it i think it has caused the discovery of the higgs boson though right because i don't think it's a coincidence that you know the discovery happened so soon after a man was like gnawing another man's face off after being high on drugs so you also you know you're a noob to this so i should probably explain that bath salts they're not literally bath salts that you add to a bath

right that sort of you know relax your muscles and have a nice sort of fragrance to them i was thinking they were that no no they're not they're not literally bath salts. What are they then? They're a drug. Oh. I think it's like mashed up blue Smarties and dehydrated Sunny D. And meth. And when you add the two together, you just go crazy. Yeah.

Wow. I didn't have any clue. So how is that related to the Higgs boson? I mean, you narrowly avoid getting a degree in physics. So, I mean, you're not really qualified to talk about this. But I'm interested to hear what you think this means. I hope you're going to ask my opinion anyway. Yeah. Okay.

Okay, that's how it works that's right um well from what i understand the hegsposen is a particle that will disprove the existence of god and there's a big conspiracy by the illuminati to keep it a secret and the pope himself has killed a bunch of people and has made it look like a secret organization is behind it all right it's up to one man played by tom hanks you sure it's not matt damon yes demons and angels haven't you haven't you read it or watched a terrible movie i thought you were talking about i thought you're talking about the newborn film that's coming out but no no it's the dan brown book you know with tom hanks is that that was ages ago that was that film was years ago yeah but it was about the higgs boson that was like the big sort of like that set the whole plot in motion i thought it was like about anti-matter and shit i didn't think it was about the higgs boson it was about the whole that is what's called the god particle and and dan brown obviously heard someone

call it that and he was like oh right okay i can make a book around this without actually like realizing what it is or anything or doing any research whatsoever yeah yeah what was it stuart lee said about dan brown he said that dan brown was the the author the great author who wrote the man picks up the red pen it's literally a sentence that he wrote it's like um dr schuess novel so yes a baguette didn't sabotage uh the lhc for long enough um but yeah i don't really i don't really sort of know what's going on at all um i must admit it's all a bit a bit too beyond me the higgs boson i feel that all this you need to be you need to be more in touch with the world and current events. We need to have a newsletter or something about all the important events that take place in the world. I don't think watching The Onion or reading The Onion is quite enough,

mostly because that's not real events. It's sort of satirical. Yeah. Maybe look at a news site well i think one of the problems is that i mmo champion wow i think one of the problems they don't really do coverage of uh a lot of current affairs i think i think that this whole man eating another man's face up was very american news, you know, and we just don't get exposed to that sometimes in the UK. Our news is more, you know, David Cameron.

Cat stuck up tree. Like more, you know, local fate, fire, kills granny, that kind of thing. It's more about immigration and house prices than anything else isn't it

terribly boring so this leads us nicely onto the uh the uk citizenship citizenship chest fuck sake i'm sorry the the what the uk citizenship test citizenship chest well the first thing you have to do to pass the test is be able to say that word um and i've just failed so yeah i think you probably have to do a similar thing if you in america if you want to be an american citizen so you have to sort of fill in all of the you know answer all these questions about you know how the united states constitution works and stuff that we have like kind of no idea about really um and some of the questions are very difficult um i've got some very difficult questions i get the feeling that probably like immigrants immigrants to the united states probably have a better knowledge of the country

than people who were born there if that's the case if they have to do a test yeah well the problem is is that i i saw this list of sort of 15 questions and i i couldn't really answer hardly any of them i'm sort of wondering if you can simon are you up for this okay um so which tribal is this the uk one the uk citizen citizenship chest yes Which tribal leader fought against the Roman conquest of Britain? Do you know that? Is it

Hadrian, Boudicca, King Canute or Churchill? Boudicca. Isn't it? It is. Boudicca. Very good. How did you know about that? From Civilization V? Maybe? No. Because I went to school. Very good. How did you know about that? From Civilization V, maybe? No.

Because I went to school. Okay. Which king? She was the woman. She wore a metal bikini. That's correct. That had cones coming out of it, like Madonna. She did. It was her, basically.

Citation needed. But yeah, definitely her. She was in charge of the sort of celts wasn't she so later on we used to call her bodicea what bodicea that was someone else wasn't it no no it was it was buddhica but bodicea is what we used to pronounce buddhica and then we like apparently found out that we'd been pronouncing it wrong all these years i had no idea i thought she was someone else completely. Weird.

Which king defeated the Vikings at the end of the 9th century? Was it Alfred the Great, King Canute, King William, or King John? John, what king defeated the Vikings? At the end of the 9th century. I mean, what a boring question. But, you know it happened so long ago as well the ninth century that's over a thousand years we're like you know we've got such a lot of history how has that got any relevance to today i know i know but there's so many things like that though so you know buddhica obviously is pretty irrelevant but

for example which which famous document led to the formation of Parliament? Do you know what that was? The Magna Carta? Very good. Very good. Which monarch established the Church of England? Quite an easy one. Henry VIII?

You didn't like... Yes, very good. Which monarch was defeated by Oliver Cromwell In the Civil War Charles I Oh my god, you're getting all these right You did history, did you? I did I did do history

GCSE Who was the first Prime Minister? The first Prime Minister? The first Prime Minister? Yeah. Is it... It's not Walpole or... Yeah. No.

Robert Walpole. Yeah. How did you know that? I don't know. That surprised me. I'm Simon's uncle. And when I'm not running away from spiders and farming

and cleaning up pig shit I like listening to the Yoggpod You're nintering this citizenship test You are definitely a British citizen Now, I That's good to hear, thank you Thank you so much Am I allowed in the country now?

Yeah, you can stay That's good because it's really difficult to get Jaffa Cakes overseas in the country now. Yeah, you can stay. That's good because it's really difficult to get Jaffa Cakes overseas. I constantly get messages from people who aren't in the UK saying they can't get any. So I'm glad that I'm allowed to stay in the country. Thanks.

You're welcome. So you finished that one, but there's a more sort of realistic citizenship test that you might be in citizenship chest jesus that you might be interested in uh in doing so are you ready you say that why can't you say that why do you say i don't know citizenship chest i don't know it's terrible effort to say it wrongly i don't know it's terrible there's more effort to say it wrongly

I don't what the hell so please complete the following question it's about Britain that are more relevant now

okay most people who aren't from Britain won't get these answers ah that's good but I feel like you might have to

like answer them and then maybe give them an explanation in your own words so okay so the first question. Please complete the following sentence.

It's nice to see you. To see you. Nice! Very good. Very good. That's Bruce Forsyth. Brucey. Eddie! Eddie!

What is the correct response when someone drops a tray in the middle of a canteen? Yay! Yeah, it's raucous applause. That's always what happens for some reason in Britain. It's not... When someone drops a glass or something, when there's shattering or, you know, someone knocks over a big sort of roast dinner or just anything, anything collapses, you all just, you cheer.

I don't know why. It doesn't make any sense, really, does it? Even if, you know, it's Christmas Day and your mum's made a lovely big semolina pudding, you know, for dessert or whatever. Oh, I do like a good semolina pudding. And she's coming into the lounge with the semolina for everyone. She's got this massive steaming thing. And she just catches her foot on the edge of the carpet because, you know, because her dad had moved the carpet.

And she's turned into a baby. And then she falls. The assembly that goes flying and it splotches out all over the carpet. And then everyone goes, hey! Because that's how it's done in Britain. It's strange, isn't it't it very odd that is a strange do you do you have any good sort of memories of of that type of sort of family dinner party um type things that actually did happen at one of one of my christmas family parties

semolina went flying oh god disaster we were cleaning it up for days i remember being very angry at my my auntie who came around with her like massive massive dog just as we were having like sunday dinner and i just sat down and i had my dinner on my lap because you know we're we're fairly sort of lower middle class and we got like our dinner up dinners on our lap there's quite a lot of you you know it's not enough space you know roast roast chicken you know gravy all over it all some yorkshire pudding roast potatoes oh it was lovely lewis it was lovely nice bit of carrots oh it was delicious and i just sat down and then her dog just leaps up into my lap and sends the plate just spinning in the air. Oh, my God. It's like a seesaw kind of thing.

So he catches the side of it, and it just went on the floor. I was furious. I was absolutely furious. I can imagine. How old were you? I was probably about 22 i was five years old uh it was my first ever roast dinner that i was allowed i was sitting at the big boys table no no i was probably like a grown lad. A grown man. A grown man.

And it just, it was like a slow motion thing. I can see the expression on your face as the plate just like spins around in midair and gravy just sprays up the wall. Did the dog sort of catch the chicken leg in his mouth as well and sort of just run off um yeah oddly enough though we we had lamb instead of chicken um i forgot i i got that wrong it was lamb that we had a roast leg of lamb oh oddly oddly enough that the the day before was like the last time I ever saw my father. I don't know where he went to. We had that delicious, delicious roast leg of lamb. It was lovely. Oh, there you go.

So next question on this thing. There's a picture here of two lovely looking Geordie lads. Can you tell me which one is Ant and which is Deck? I don't think anyone can tell the difference between them um apparently they have this thing in which they have to stand alphabetically so ants will always be on the left and deck will always be on the right as you look up at them oh my god i never knew that so i mean that's that's supposed to be the way to tell, and they always supposedly try and stand that way around.

That has blown my mind. But realistically, no one can ever really tell which is which. Okay. They're kind of like twins, but not twins, aren't they? They're twins that don't look anything like each other. Yeah. That's true. That's weird. I think they're both quite small, aren't they you know they're twins that don't look anything like each other um yeah that's true uh they're both i think they're both quite small aren't they they're both quite you know they're not tall men diminutive pocket size diminutive um yeah are they dwarves um i don't think they are no okay but they probably have the the of a dwarf locked away somewhere in a cupboard.

Hopefully kept chilled. Yeah, in a freezer cabinet or something. Out of direct sunlight. Yeah. Otherwise it can spoil. Lovely. Okay. Packed safely in ice with an ambulance waiting.

Do you want salt and vinegar there's two options here yes or no now this has got to be a reference to chips yes yes do you want salt vinegar on your chips and of course you always just say yes without thinking of course you do and if you have with fish and chips if you have like a big bit of fish as well they tend to just pour the salt and vinegar all over the fish as well yeah um which is they they literally just pour out salt and you have like about half a pound of salt on top of your meal yeah but that's good because that's what makes it, you know, extra delicious. Yeah. It's the flavour, really. Do you, I mean, are you a fan of salt and vinegar crisps as well?

We're going to thoroughly confuse the Americans listening here. Crisps? Chips? Have you got a preferred flavour of crisps? Or do you just have what's ever presented to you? I was thinking of getting some crisps on the way in today. I saw some red Thai curry ones. Wow. And I was tempted, but I wasn't tempted enough to actually buy them.

No. Because I thought, no, they might be horrible. And so I didn't get any. So I'm not that massively into them, I'll be honest. No. Now, you know, in chip shops, you know, they always have like little, well, not little, but big jars of pickled eggs. Have you ever had one of those? Have you ever eaten?

I've had one in a pub before. Right. pub before right and there's the in a pub it's it's traditional that you have a bag of crisps and you also have a pickled egg and you put the pickled egg in the bag of crisps right and um all the salt and flavorings from the crisps go onto the egg and what you do is you eat all the crisps and then when the bag is empty you sort of like mush the flavouring, you know, bits of powder around the egg. And then you eat the egg. That's how it's done. Is this actually really something that is done?

Because I feel very ill. It is actually something that is really done. Something that's even more messed up, right? This is something my dad does in the pub right okay do we need to know this you'll get a bag of crisps right but tell me what flavor you know pork it doesn't matter right and you'll find out why it doesn't matter all right now i'm sure i'm sure people are aware of what a bloody mary is okay? You have vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco sauce, Worcester sauce, right?

Yeah. Now, what my dad will do is he will have essentially the ingredients of a Bloody Mary poured onto the crisps, right? Okay. Into the bag. Tabasco sauce and Worcester sauce just poured...

No, not poured into the bag. That would be crazy. What he does is he sort of opens the bag up so he has the sort of foil surface, like a foil. So you tear the bag of crisps along the seam so it's like a

rectangle of foil with crisps A rectangle of foil with like a pile of crisps in the middle. Right. And then he pours all the Worcestershire sauce and Tabasco sauce over of crisps in the middle right and then he pours all the worcestershire sauce and tabasco sauce over the crisps and it's quite good because sometimes you get one that has like the perfect amount on and it's quite nice but sometimes right sometimes you get a dangerous one that has you know maybe four or five blobs of tabasco sauce on. And you have to eat it, because you picked it up.

You can't put it back down. You've got your fingers all over it. And then there's just an egg on the top. I mean, this is like the British equivalent of nachos, isn't it? It really is. It's a really down-market match. I mean, if your dad was doing, like, MasterChef, you know, or, like, Iron Chef, you know,

and he had to present his, like, main course, you know... That would be it. That would be it. He would, you know, they'd zoom on him, like, tearing the crisp packet open, like, down the seams. He's done this a lot. He's a master. He's a true master of his craft well it's pub it's pub snack food isn't it i mean pub snack i mean at least it's not pork scratchings because that's the worst grossest shit it's literally pork fat

right from like the skin layer and sometimes on pork scratchings you actually get like hair pig hair still stuck to it yeah i mean it's i mean that is just crazy that is crazy that people eat that it's it's it's it's almost like though you know people if you have like a nice cut of like pork you know and then you cook it in the oven or something you do get like the fatty bit on the edge and and the majority of people eat that you know and that's like they quite like it so that's what a pork scratching is supposed to be you know it's supposed to be sort of the the rind crackling that's what it's the crackling it's supposed to be like crispy and crisped and and you know deep and crisp and even lovely so okay

next question when does the dfs sale come to an end the dfs the the furniture store now what's dfs stand for now you think furniture store is fs but what's d stand for oh my goodness i don't know da furniture store so you're saying it's kind of like kfc or something yeah yeah so like discount furniture store ah that must be it yeah discount furniture store yeah that makes sense doesn't it i think it might be something it starts it starts this bank holiday and it continues until uh sunday 2 p.m um and then it resumes next monday it resumes yeah so there is there i think there is usually a window of, like, from when a store closes on Sunday to when it reopens on Monday morning

when there isn't a sale on. Yeah. But then the store's closed, so it doesn't really matter. So it never ends. It's a never-ending sale. Mummy? Mummy? Can I listen to the Yodekod?

Fuck off! Mummy! No! Obviously, that's J.K. Rowling and her child. Okay. So, next. Please complete the following question.

Okay. Who do you think you are kidding, Mr. What? Who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler? When you think of England, we are the boys who will stop your little game. We are the boys who will make you think again you could be an entertainer in an old folks home oh they would love that wouldn't they

they would love you to sing that they'd think I was Clive Dunn or something I'd need like the round glasses I think that you know we always think that people in an old folks home because when I was a kid I actually had to go to an old folks home and sing sort of old war songs you know like um there'll be there'll be this is why did he do something wrong was this like uh community service you were doing it was no it was like it was i

don't know i just had to sing you know roll out the barrel and all these terrible old war songs like there'll be blue birds over the wide cliffs of dover i didn't have such a lovely tenor sort of voice back then i was like there'll be blue oh i won't i won't i won't continue oh my god but um please spare us that but i mean i was obviously about i remember doing it and I must have been about 10, 9 or 10 or 11. It was a school thing, you know. I think it was our school choir. And for some reason, you know, we were doing it. But I think, you know, now, 20 years on, those people, you know, who are those old folks probably aren't listening to war, you know, like war music anymore.

You know, they're probably like 20, that's 20 years out of date. They're listening to stuff from the 1960s, you know, like, I guess the Beatles. Isn't that weird? That's quite scary, isn't it? Isn't that right? Oh, my God. What are we going to be like when we're old? Are we going to be like insisting that we still use the same sort of ipad and iphone

and um oh my god you'll still be wearing your aviator glasses and like come on mr brindley i've got your aviators ready sunny out wow i mean it's it's a bit weird because all of the fashions Of now are pretty much the same as they were In the 1980s So it's all a bit weird Everything goes in circles doesn't it Yeah I mean are we going to get like Kids coming to our old folks

And singing Spice Girls And Sugar Babes Oh my god And Oasis. Oh, my God, that actually doesn't sound too bad. Oh, my God. Manic Street Preachers, maybe. I was thinking more like Skrillex.

Wub, wub, wub, wub, wub. Arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr. It sounds like a... That is the sound that the dog made when he knocked your plate off at Christmas and grabbed your chicken. My leg of lamb. They've been used to murder my father. Yeah. God damn it. No, your dad turned up fine.

It was a burglar that your mum knocked out that christmas don't you remember oh right sure uh except your dad was 10 years younger and spoke with a eastern european accent yeah that was strange how that happened to him when he came back apparently he got like a nasty knock on the head and that's why that's why he started speaking in a sort of foreign language most of the time. Yeah. And occasionally he would say in broken English, you know,

here's five pounds, I want you to leave the house for a couple of hours, Simon. It's a bit strange, really. Go to the cinema. We didn't have a cinema. Watch Revenge of the... Oh, didn't you? How did you watch Star Wars? I almost said Revenge of the Sith. Revenge of the Sith. That't you how did you watch star wars um i almost said revenge of the sith

that's not right at all you were like 31 oh god oh god how many more questions are there it's taking us ages only two oh right okay this is good i think or only There's only a few more actually The UK's experiencing very hot weather Oh yeah, tell me about it Sweltering But the headline in the sun reads

Pew What a Is it either A. Relief B. Parabaps Or C. Scorcher Pew What a scorcher it would be cool what a lovely pair of baps oh right yes of course that would be the sort of headline that would go with like uh you know a baker who is like like a pastry girl or something oh yeah and she's holding a pair of baps in her hands flowery

baps britain's youngest baker um or whatever britain's youngest baker and she's legal um i have to emphasize that it's not like six years old oh my god that would be pretty inappropriate i think actually what was it was it the the mail that said um they had like this massive go um brass eye for doing like a pedophilia special which they mocked the media's obsession with pedophiles yeah you know which was so bad that like pediatricians were being beaten up because they were just riled up yeah by the media and they were having a go saying this brass eye thing's disgraceful. And on the exact opposite page,

there was a picture of Charlotte Church, who I think was 15 at the time, saying, you know, basically, oh, she's growing up, she's becoming a big girl. Oh, look at her tits. It was basically saying that. Oh, my God. It was shocking.

Wow. It was absolutely shocking. Yeah. But she wasn't a baker, so that's irrelevant. Oh, what a lovely pair of lungs she's got. That's pretty much what it would have been. She's a very talented singer. So, you have met a girl from Greece, Simon.

What might she have a thirst for a right knowledge b or c european financial assistance yeah that's the thing about greece isn't it it's becoming famous for just having a disastrous economy and basically bringing down the Euro. Did you hear that David Cameron is going to be, like, shutting the borders to all Greek people? Because they suspect there's going to be, like, a million refugees from the remains of Greece trying to get into other countries across Europe. Is this where the zombie cannibal thing happened in greece in the bath i mean bath salts greece it was the romans that were famous for for the

baths wasn't it oh not so much the greeks the greeks are more famous for the boys lovely uh moving on i don't know if i pronounced retzina correctly is it retzinger the flipping wine thing it's like um it's like sort of you can't pronounce shit shit properly i wouldn't even bother with retzina retzina have you ever had retzina is that what is that how it's pronounced it sounds like something like an upper class family would call their firstborn daughter retzina it's time for your violin lesson i'm coming mommy hang on i just need to put my bow tie on i don't know why she'd be wearing a bow tie. Well, you have to. It's part of the rules. Good.

Well, good. That's great. You are at a football match. Oh. How many... You love it, don't you? You love being at football matches. I love the football.

Now... Did you see that ludicrous display last night? Have you ever actually been to a football match? Yes. Of course I have. Have you? Whereabouts? It's been a while. Which one? I've watched Cheltenham Town play a few times,

and I've seen Cardiff City. Well, Cheltenham Town are pretty low in the leagues, but they're a good team, a lovely team, Cheltenham Town. The Robins, they're a good team. Lovely team, Charlton Town. The Robins, they're known as. But Cardiff were premiership level for a while, weren't they? Maybe. Like in the 70s or

something, I don't know. Cardiff City. So who won? Tell me what it was like. I want to hear this full experience. I want to hear the story of the time you went to the football. Well, one particular time. Oh, my God. How much did you go?

Been a few times. Not a lot. But, you know, a handful of times. I saw Morton in Marsh play as well. Yeah. That was, like, the most local side. And they were non-league and terrible. Well, Morton in Marsh is tiny.

It's got like 3,000 people live there. I mean, that's like everyone turns out. Even like, you know, old mother Wilson from the co-op. From the co-op. She's playing in goal.

God, it's not exactly exciting not exactly exciting stuff what was the what was the crowd turnout like five dads standing around the uh size of the pitch everyone everyone in the country came they they actually had to get a a stadium they imported a stadium in and they put it up for the day it was full capacity there was like 57 000 people there watching this terrible football team um concede seven goals jeez but you're watching a football just it just involves standing as it rains. Pretty much. And, of course, goals are pretty infrequent. In non-league matches, you might see a few more

because the pitches tend to be smaller and obviously the goalkeeper is under a lot of pressure. You just do tend to see a bit more action. But in proper professional matches, he'll often be stood there watching an hour and a half of football and he won't see a single goal. It's not the most interesting game. It's like cricket.

I mean, that's even worse. Jesus. But I don't mind cricket. Cricket's quite chilled. You don't really go for the actual cricket. You kind of just chill out and drink a bit and chat. And it's quite sort of chill. It's quite relaxed.

It's usually quite nice weather. I don't know when cricket's on. It always seems to be. I don't know why that is. But with football, it's always cold. It's always a bit miserable. You know, I seem to remember when I was in my teens, I went through a phase with one of my friends

and he had like a sort of an off-peak season ticket, which meant he got to watch kind of the less interesting league games of Ipswich Town, which was quite a way up on the train. It was a couple of hours from where we live, but that was still considered to be a local team. Well, not a local team, but so much as, you know, it was just a sort of a decent team. So rather than going to London, we went sort of up to Ipswich.

And the one thing that really sticks in my mind from those trips, apart from how boring and horrible and cold it was, was that when i was sat in the stadium watching the game that was probably the most dull game ever you know like ip switch versus you know rotherham or something just someplace you've never heard of the giants of ip switch play the giants of rotherham making them both look normal sized yeah oh well yeah and you know they did all that and they bigged it up and they announced all the players and they all came running out.

And, you know, it was just, they all started kicking the ball around. And the one thing that strikes in my mind, sticks in my mind really strongly is that there was no, it wasn't like big, there was no big TVs doing replays or anything fancy like that. You know, it was just quite a big stadium, quite a lot of people there. Lots, very very very noisy and he was sat down and as soon as the ball got kicked towards the goal suddenly everyone was on their feet yeah okay there was this there was this and everyone stands up yeah and i was

i was obviously still sitting down because i didn't know that this was like the rule of you know the rule to do. And I couldn't get it. I just couldn't get it. Could you please sit down? For goodness sake, I can't see what's going on. I think there were only two occasions when the actual goals were scored

and neither of them I saw or had any clue as to what happened because people leapt up, was still sitting down um and then like you know oh oh oh i missed it and it was just and there were occasions i tried to like preempt it though i tried to preempt it and i tried to like like preempt when i think thought people were all going to jump up and so there were occasions where I jumped up on my own, but no one else jumped up. Right?

Did you cheer as you did it? It was almost like you're in a choir or something, or you're singing, and you are left, like, you start, like, you're bailing it out for some reason. And then it's not, it's, like, silent in that bit of the song, or that verse is, like, you know, not what you thought it was. And you just bailed it out. Oh, awkward.

So, yeah, that's what I remember from going to the football. Oh, Lewis. Good times. Good times. So, yeah, you're at a football match. How might supporters of the opposing team be going home? You're going home. Is it A, in a fucking ambulance b on a delayed train

or c promptly you're going home in a volvo estate oh wow that'd be quite cool that would be quite comfortable uh i think i was going home on the train, but yeah, a delayed train probably. So, B. But yeah, I mean, Britain, England used to be renowned for its sort of hooliganism and stuff, but we've stepped back a bit on that, I'm glad to say, and we're letting other people take the crown. Yeah, yeah. take the crown yeah yeah um i mean it's nice when you you know when there's a football match taking place in the ukraine or something and a load of black players go onto the pitch and like half of

the stadium suddenly start doing monkey impersonations i think it does it does a lot for english football by having other countries look you know so much worse than we are so good on you for just being complete racist cunts thanks thanks for that making us look so much better i'm a man and when i'm not having a pint in the pub or working on chip building site i'll listen to your pod So the last question in this real citizenship chest... Oh, fuck! Have I not... I'm not even trying!

Oh! How do you do that? How can you pronounce it so badly? Oh, fucking hell! Which World War relic is housed in the Albert Hall? Now, what do relic is housed in the Albert Hall? Now, what do you think would be in the Albert Hall, Simon, from World War II? Would it be a spitfire?

Would it be a gas mask? Is it anything to do with that, maybe? That little song that you were singing, would you like to... I mean, that's one of the ones that I had to do when I was performing for the old folks, actually. Really? You did not sing that lyric. Please.

Hitler has only got one bowl, the other is in the Albert Hole, his mother the dirty bugger. Oh my god, I'm not going to sing the rest of that, but... Cut it off when he was small.

Cut it off when he was small. So, there you go, thanks. I'm going to get a remix of that. Oh, no, let's not remix that. I think that that came about after World War II. I don't think that people were actually singing that during World War II, were they?

Because that song is actually something completely different, isn't it? Yeah, it's Colonel Bogey. That's the name of the song, I think. So, yeah, they're misappropriated lyrics. Is that right, if I said that correctly? I don't know. Who cares're doing the shit the citizenship chest i think i'm about to mispronounce the odd word uh apparently one of the things that i did i do know about that is that the lyrics definitely changed over time because there it was um originally goring has only got one ball, not Hitler.

Oh, really? Or Goering. And it actually went like, I think it was like, Goering. I don't want to sing it again. Go on, go on. Go on, you're singing so beautifully. This is an episode of me singing World War II songs. It's not like it's inappropriate, because we're allowed to be mad and rude about the Nazis.

I don't think there's... You're not going to get into trouble for mocking the Nazis. So, I mean, originally, we weren't just at war with Germany, obviously, and there are a lot of other problem states, like, of course um the italians and everyone else but mostly it was the germans and this this is about the sort of it was originally had all four of the germans in it so it went garrig has only got one ball hitlers are so very small himmler's so very similar and Goebbels has no balls at all. That's apparently the original.

And that's what you sang in this old people's home. Oh my god! There is like another lyric as well after Hitler's ball got chopped off apparently. There's like tons more verses that people have come up with and variants. I mean that's the one that i sort of we sort of learned though isn't that weird it's

good you know you got the old piano out you were banging out a tune you're singing about testicles these old people they were loving it they were loving it uh so there's there's a second verse about hitler's mother um oh whoa whoa let's not bring anyone's mom into this hitler's mother she threw it over west germany it landed in the deep blue sea the fishes got out their dishes and had scallops and bollocks for tea. That is brilliant. Oh, my God, that is absolutely brilliant. Oh, I love that. Oh, those old people.

They had a great time. They were loving it. And did you go around, like, every week and sing these songs with them? No, we were banned after the first time. No. There was that thing when you were a kid that you did. I don't know if you did this, but you know,

when I was, when I was in the scouts, you know, we did have to go to church and we weren't always like the, the, the best behaved kids. You know, we did sing our own like dirty lyrics along to songs or whatever.

I don't know. It was just something that was done. I don't know if that stuff is still done like these days. I don't know, it's just something that was done. I don't know if that stuff is still done, like, these days. I don't know. I feel really old talking about this stuff. It was a more innocent time where we sang songs about Hitler's bollocks in church.

Well, there were sort of, like, lyrics for just about every sort of popular hymn. They were, like, alternative lyrics. They were, like, rude. They were like ruse that were about balls or dicks or poops or farts. So ridiculous.

They all got passed down in the playground, didn't they? Yeah. See, that should be on the test as well. So how did we score on the test? Have we passed? Oh yeah, you passed. You passed with flying colours In fact you're now eligible to

Apply to be the Prime Minister Simon, you passed with such Flying colours that the government Actually want you to come in and Would people vote for me? If I stood for Prime Minister, would people vote for me? What party would you be representing? What would be your policies?

The S Club Party Because there ain't no policies? The S Club party. Because there ain't no party like an S Club party. There ain't no, absolutely. Do you know what? I think you'd win. I think in the current climate people want a bit of S Club. Did we ever find out what S Club

stood for? Because, I mean, that was a bit weird as well. Sex club. Oh!. A sex club. Santa sex club. S Club Party. Yeah. I don't know, actually. I don't know. Special.

A special club. Oh, God. They've got a special clubhouse in which, you know, all the furniture is made of plastic and has curved edges on it so that nobody hurts themselves. There's all sorts of different coloured crayons. Keep them busy. You have to keep them busy when they're not performing.

Awesome. So we have a few questions from Yognauts sent in. Are you ready to answer these simon first off we've got one from tiffany leung who uh writes after listening to your yog pod about your granddad's blood type earlier ages ago uh i was curious about my own are you kidding me your granddad is a b that one yeah yeah yeah oh my god that was like a century ago that was a long time ago i was curious about my own blood type since all the people in my class know their blood types but i didn't looking on my records i couldn't find anything so i bought a blood type

tester and to my surprise i was b negative this is surprising because in this city, people with a negative blood type was under 1%. It couldn't have been passed to me by my parents because my mother was a B positive and my father was an O positive. Oh, my God. And then she's just sort of left it hanging there. And she says, anyway, I wanted to ask you a few questions. So she's adopted, basically. She's got these questions. Oh, my God.

After the questions, she says, Last of all, your Yolk Pods really cheer me up. I haven't smiled in two years because I am simply unhappy. Yours truly, Tiffany. Oh, God. Oh, Tiffany. Don't worry. I'm sure that your parents are your real parents.

Don't worry about that. Yeah, I'm sure they are. Do you want to answer these questions? I would love to. So she's got a question for me. Have you ever punched Simon in real life? What? Well, as you can imagine, that's not such a strange question because, you know, we do have tiffs occasionally.

You know, me and Simon have arguments and we shout at each other like any, you know, happily married couple. Wait, what? No. Wow. You know, we do get on each other's nerves sometimes, especially if we've been on a plane for, you know, 13 hours. And I have to sit next to that, you know. So, you can understand why I might want to punch someone in the face. I haven't, though. And you never punched me in the face, I don't to punch someone in the face I haven't though and you never punched me in the face

not in the face do you remember when we a couple of times I think this happened we'd be walking along and I would just suddenly realise it was the first of the month and I would pinch punch you that was lovely yeah I remember that

you were like ow why did you do that to me what's wrong with you That was lovely. Yeah, I remember that. You were like, ow! And one time you did it quite hard. Why did you do that to me? What's wrong with you? You were like that. I think one time I went into the road as well, which was rather dodgy. Oh, God. Yeah.

But yeah. Oh, I pushed you. I pushed you into the road one time, didn't I? Yeah. Oh, fuck. You could have died. Sorry about that. Don't push your friends into the road

Simon is a massive jerk Yeah, don't do that I pushed you off a boat that one time You pushed me off a boat You threw a mug at me Do you remember when you threw the nice mug at me and smashed it? Oh Christ, I did, yeah You smashed one of the recording lights in here

But that was yesterday That was an accident I was trying to turn the... I thought the battery had gone in it and i was trying to get it to work and i just i didn't realize that it was such like a thin shell smashed it into bits i didn't know it was a thin shell i thought it was yeah that's not your fault it was like an eggshell i feel really guilty because hannah like put so much work into making that and i know i like just threw it away in the bin she made some this lovely recording like with um with this name on it and it was like on air i'm sorry hannah it's all right she'll accept the apology if she listens to this i'm

sure so yeah we like any like any couple you know we get we get into arguments i don't think i've been very physical towards you i think it's because it's a bit like when i it's a bit like i've told you before you know when i got into fights with my brother um you know and locked him out and he charged at me and and beat me up and sat on me you know i was i was obviously as an older brother i always bullied my little brother a little bit you know when i was when I was young. And when I was about, I think about seven or eight, when he was about six or seven, at that point, he started getting bigger than me. And ever since then, he's been bigger than me substantially. I mean, he's like a foot taller than me and about twice my weight now.

Oh, my God. It was about the age of seven or eight when that sort of crossover happened. And from that point on, he took no shit from me at all. Yeah. Which was kind of cool. But my brother's amazing, actually. He's literally the gentlest, like, nicest guy you'd ever meet. And he was never, like, he never sort of turned it around on me or anything.

And we got on quite well, me and my brother. I think siblings often argue and stuff, a bit like what we do. But yeah, you can't have a long friendship with someone without having a few arguments. I do pick on you a bit, don't I? Not really, actually. It's not too bad. I'm kind of used to it. Oh, God.

You sound like a beaten wife oh god next question uh when did you start wearing glasses now i don't know when you started wearing glasses but i started wearing glasses when i was in the middle of secondary school and i moved i think i started getting in with a bit of a bad crowd now originally when i went to secondary school i was quite good i was you know i was sitting up at the front you know because always the good did he join the tunnel snakes oh my god you got a leather jacket i was a little bit too old for that oh my god um i missed that whole leather jacket but it was more you know i i started i you know when i started

school i was i was good i was in like the best set for maths and as i went through yeah i gradually like moved towards the back of the classroom and when i sat at the back of the classroom i realized i couldn't actually see oh what was on the like blackboard anymore and so at that point like it was like a weird transitional period in my life when i was like 13 you know and i wanted to join like the cool club and sit at the back and be all like rebellious but at the same time i couldn't see what was going on at all and i had to get glasses i didn't really want to get glasses because it would have made me a bit a little bit uncool that's amazing if if you didn't need glasses you probably would have been like a total rebel rather

than like a nerd you would have been like a cool kid at the same time i think that that you know these guys who sit at the back of the class and are really sort of some of them probably probably just need glasses and then they'd be able to see the board then they'd get a much better education i i think i think that's how i feel it you know there's a lot of cool kids in the back who can't actually see yeah how about that but these days contacts would have solved my problem i guess um but we didn't have them back then yeah when i was 13 no such thing they didn't they didn't exist they weren't a real a real thing they were just like a dream i remember i remember being in physics and sitting at the well it was

all science i can't remember maybe not physics science sitting at the – well, it was all science. I can't remember. Maybe not physics, science. He taught me physics later, the same teacher. But his name was Mr. Burke. Wow. Awkward. Well, I mean, that's asking for it, isn't it? And I had – because I couldn't see the blackboard wherever he was drawing. I was just bored, you know.

I was sitting at the back having to be quiet. I couldn't follow along with the lesson tool. I couldn't copy what was on the board. Oh, dear. So, I was copying off other people and what I did was I got into bad habits where I didn't even bother copying off the tool.

I was just drawing a cartoon. Did he ask you a question and you couldn't answer it because you couldn't read what was on the board? That happened all the time. That's nothing. Brindley, what is a gravity? I don't know, sir! I don't know! That happened a lot. But I was actually drawing a cartoon of a big, stupid-looking man.

Uh-oh. And I put a speech bubble that came out of it and said, I'm Mr Burke. Good job, good job. And, of course, of course course What happened was He was coming towards you but you couldn't tell Because your eyesight was so bad you didn't see him coming towards you Well no I could see him

But I was so absorbed in the drawing That I didn't notice And the first thing I heard over my shoulder Was his booming voice and I froze And I think he just He just He didn't do it like that he just cleared his throat he went that's not how you spell Burke because his his name good that's classy

was spelled differently it was like b u e or something like that. RK. It wasn't. RKE. Yeah. BE. It was like Bork or something. Anyway. So, yeah, then I got glasses and I returned to my originally. You joined the nerdy kids. Intelligent and studious self. And I went back to my roots and I had a much better time there.

And then he discovered this game called World of Warcraft. And the rest was history. Well, no, I went to university and played World of Warcraft for four years. Managed to pass my degree, though, as opposed to one of us. Oh, awkward. But yeah. Oh, boy. Okay. Wow wow that was a cheap shot so when did you get your glasses what was your story do you have a story i'm still recovering from that burn oh my goodness sorry do you want to bring in some yogurt or um or you

know some some sort of after some yogurt. I'm a bit peckish. That'd be nice. Okay. Can I have a digestive biscuit to dip in it as well, please? Thank you. I'll just smear it all over your face. Oh, now who's the bully? What's going on?

I don't know. It's just talking about schools brought all this terrible stuff back. Yeah, you're talking about being one of the cool kids, and now you're like, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, my time at school was terrible. I mean, I was like, you know, I was tied to basketball hoops and thrown on top of lockers. I had a terrible time at school.

Did they hang you up by your collar on like, you know, clothes hooks? I was definitely on the receiving end rather than on the on the on the the um on the other end i've always been a bit more to a bit too nerdy i mean i was i was in the kind of computer i was i guess i was like the in-betweeners though you know i always talk about the in-betweeners because one of my friends from school joe thomas does actually star in that there's a there's a us version of it now, did you see? No, I didn't.

Oh God. Is it any good? Probably not. I might have to have a look at that. But yeah, big fan of that show because it's very similar to how school was when I was around because I was kind of one of these awkward people who were sort of between

being cool. Well, I was nowhere near being cool at all, actually. But I wasn't the biggest nerdy nerd either. I was trapped. So what about you? Go on. I'm sure people were terribly interested to hear. I mean, when you were at school, they still had the cane, didn't they?

Yeah. Did I get the cane once? I can't remember. I might have done. I've like blocked it out i was only joking i didn't think you were that old yeah jesus it was like the end of uh like primary school it was just sort of being phased out but yeah it was crazy people did actually get beaten by the head master which is just insane when you think about it isn't it it's crazy it's absolutely insane today

a grown man just sort of beats this kid with a large stick i mean what the fuck probably wouldn't fly today would it no so let's hear the story about your glasses when when was the first time you you wore them and started wearing them and what have you i think it was just as i was starting secondary school i didn't i didn't need them all the time it was only you know if i was sat at the back of the class i couldn't see the board but obviously if i was nearer then i could see it so i didn't need to wear the glasses if i was at the front so it was always awkward it was like do i sit right at the front and look a massive nerd or do i sit at the back of the class and look a massive nerd so i didn't they really have much of a choice one way or the other it's like do i look like a nerd with glasses

on or just a nerd right at the front with all the swaps and um the swats the swats so uh so i would go i would i So I would mix it up a bit. I don't think I really care. I just stopped caring. I was like, as long as I sat near someone that I knew, you know, it was fine. It didn't matter whether I was at the front or the back. I think generally it was around the middle, about as far back as I could sit without needing glasses.

Yeah, I quite like asking questions to the teacher as well, so that's always good, being quite near at the front to do that. They weren't always relevant questions as well, which pissed them off. I can imagine. Yeah, I can imagine. Yeah, exactly. So I would just ask random things of the teachers. But I quite like that.

I like engaging with them, and sometimes they quite like that i like engaging with them and sometimes they quite like that as well some teachers would just go off on tangents really easily like art teachers in particular were terrible for that because at the end of the day teaching art you know let's be honest it's not the most difficult thing in the world and they didn't put a lot of effort into it either so a lot of the class would just be okay we'll get on with uh drawing stuff and that would be it you know they didn't actually tell you any techniques or anything it'd just be like just you know draw this there you go actually that is true that is true yeah you never really got taught anything in art did you just sat around

it was terrible it was like do do art that was it that was what the teacher said just just do some art do art just do some art there was yeah i don't think i ever had any teaching well i mean that's one of the things isn't it in school i mean you start off like as soon as you when you start school you know all the teachers are scary and gigantic and different and big and you know you're they're your enemy and then at a certain age, usually, I think it was sixth form for me, it kind of changes a bit and they become a little bit more friendly and, you know, they become your friend. And I remember my economics teacher was this huge, huge man called Mr. Gardner.

He was a massively overweight man. He was so big. We had the classes out in the sort of, because, you know, schools obviously expanded and we had like temporary sort of buildings. He was so big they had to like build an extension on the school. What? I don't get it. What?

Yeah. Well, no, but he was always, he was always, he was just a big man. He didn't like walking around. And so, he pretty much stayed in these sort of temporary buildings all day. Anyway, he had this massive, massive sort of big chair in this in behind his desk and and it was like sort of mode it was it was like a toilet built into it wow no actually let's not talk about him and be mean about him because he was he was a really lovely guy and the funny thing is is that he had this massive chair and it was it was almost like shaped to him, you know?

So no one else could possibly sit in it. It was like a sort of bench. And he would never actually get up to write on the board either. I mean, he was just a very lazy man. And he would instead, what he would do is he would basically get the chalk and he would just raise his right arm up

and write behind him on the board. And he'd sort of learned to write like without looking at the board backwards so he's right like all the notes behind him like this on the board that is like this oh like that okay i'm doing it but i can't see you you dick i've got my right arm held up and he just did it over his shoulder he did it he didn't even look and he obviously it was a complete disaster what is wrong with him he was he was very funny he was very nice i did economics with him in sixth form and actually um just after i finished my exams in upper sixth he died um of heart of a heart attack oh my god which is very sad because he was a lovely man um so r.i.p sad but not entirely unexpected no no not really um but yeah so it's funny how that really kind of hit me though because you know he was a good

kind of friend he was a nice he was a really nice man and it was at a time when i considered sort of teachers to be not quite the the distant figures that you normally consider them to be for most of your school life um yeah yeah so you realized that he was a human a human being a man it's a bit of poignant poignant true story that's beautiful yeah wow so there you go So thank you Tiffany for the question Thank you Tiffany I hope this helps you and makes you a little bit happier Maybe Oh god

What about that Oh my goodness Poor Tiffany Hello I am her royal highness Queen Elizabeth II And this York port is by Royal appointment Our Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II. And this York port is by royal appointment.

Hello. Hello. Hello. One fancies a Jaffa cake. Next up, we've got a message from Joe Dolls. I think that's his name he says i live in the flight path of a major airport and air base when a plane flew over making lots of noise i wondered if you guys had an airline what would it be named what planes would fly in it and where would you fly to? Sincerely, Joe Daltz. So, you know, we did talk about Yogg Airlines, didn't we?

When we were in America. Yeah. The maiden flight. It wasn't a great success. No. It was a disaster. But I think people are more interested in, you know, how we were planning on operating Yogg Airlines. I think it would be a bit like, it would be like Ryanair.

Right, Ryanair. That's their business model. The flights would be like £5, and people would be like, oh my God, only £5 to fly to, like, Tenerife. And then we would add all these extra charges on. You know, the £5 doesn't include the actual seat so it's standing but of course you're not allowed to stand so you need the seat right by law so and the seat is like an extra 50 quid right um and the seat belt is like another 50 quid you have to buy the

seat belt the headphones that are passed out um they're like £200. Wow. You get to keep them, though. You don't have to hand them back into the box at the end of the flight. Whoa. Okay. It's generous. So yeah, there's going to be all sorts of little extra fun charges. I mean, you don't have to pay for these things, apart from the ones in which you do have to pay.

You can add all sorts of taxes onto things as well fridge tax hair tax earplug tax if you want if you want earplugs yeah um water tax if you want a sip of water it's five pounds per sip oh my goodness so make sure you only have little sips or make sure that you drink a lot before you get on the plane, but not too much, because if you want to use the loo, it's another 20 quid.

And that's only for number ones. Number twos is 100. It's 100 for number twos. Well, I think this is literally the way the airline industry is going anyway. So, yeah. I'm looking forward literally the way the airline industry is going anyway. So, yeah. I'm looking forward to the next flight, actually. When's that scheduled? Well, I still have to do my flying lessons before we can fly.

Oh. I've decided to be a bit like John Travolta. I'm going to learn how to fly a plane and be a pilot. But I need a co-pilot. I need two co-pilots, I think. Follow your dreams. Who are you thinking of for the co-pilots? Are you interested in learning how to fly?

Maybe? Lewis? No? No? Maybe? Having been someone who's driving somewhere with you as my co-passenger is pretty bad. Now, I'm the one who missed a turning twice, putting an hour and a half onto our journey that time, going from Reading to Bristol. There you go.

So Ian Kohler writes, in a related vein vein what is the longest trip you have had to travel by car uh or bus and where were you going we're going to bristol and lewis mr fucking turning twice that's the longest fucking trip i live in america and my family drives 14 hours from michigan to georgia to visit relatives oh my god um so where is the longest you've had to drive for have you ever done a big long road trip in a car or anything or anything adventurous you've driven around europe have you ever you know gone on an adventure to trip in a caravan i don't know what have you done uh i haven't really gone on like a big road trip i don't think no uh i don't i don't like being in the car for too long

it's horrible I've been on a train journey that was about 12 hours up to Scotland damn and that was ridiculous that's just oh god that was a bit bad I know I went on a coach trip to Scotland and that was about

14 hours on a coach and it was horrible it was awful I mean uh just just service stations and stuff I really hated it I went on a sort of a drive around France with one of my a couple of my friends um once as well and we took my friend's car and as soon as we got into france and we were like going through sort of the driving off the ferry i think going on to like um through customs and stuff as soon as we got off like the ramp just sort of smoke and steam started coming out of the engine of the car um and we had to like stop and the radiator

had like it was basically just a radiator but the car overheated so we filled it up with water we were like oh it probably won't be a problem and you know we drove for another half an hour in the blazing sunshine and it just went clonk and you know smoke started pouring out of it again so we pulled over again and it pretty much went like that for the next six hours until we got back home. So, yeah, that was a fun escapade. Oh, my God. One time I went to France on a school trip.

I forgot my passport, which was a disaster as well wow um but they let me through they let me in anyway you look you look you look a trustworthy lad come on in with like a flipping um busload of school kids yeah it's supposed to be you know getting in isn't the problem but getting back is apparently the problem uh so how can getting back be the problem you're like yeah let me into my own goddamn country you're you're flipping your english oh yeah the english wouldn't let you in they would say sorry you can't come in this is our country but i'm english don't you know and they they're like, oh, I'm sorry, old chap. Come back in. They would have you perform a series of tests, such as, you know, complete the following sentence.

Nice to see you. See you. Nice. Hitler has only got one what? A. Ice cream. B. Hitler has only got one ice cream. B. Hitler has only got one ice cream. The other is in the freezer.

No, it doesn't really work. Thank you very much for listening to the Yoggpod. We will be back in the future, I'm sure, for more adventures. Send us your questions. Yoggcast at gmail.com We may not answer them but we'll have a go.

Bye! You've been listening to The Yog Pod episode 43 which was created by The Yogscast and stars Simon Lane and Lewis Brindley. It was produced and edited by me, Sparkles. But unfortunately I'm going to have to go because I think Simon's found out

I keep doing this and he's not very happy and I'm probably going to get fired bye Did you like at the end of the previous Yoggpod that Sparkles did a little outro thing? Yeah. Did you know that he was going to do that? Doesn't he always do that? Does he?

Yeah Oh my god Maybe I should listen to the Yodpod more