Triforce! - YoGPoD 9: Dungeons & Dragons Part I

Episode Date: May 21, 2009

The quest begins, and our mighty heroes take their first steps into unknown lands filled with creepy characters and strange weather patterns. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hello and welcome to Yogscast. Hello. Hello. This is us role playing. Hello. Hello. I am a robot. Hello. Okay, the adventure takes place just after mid-summer, right?

So it's the height of summer. We've got beautiful long days and short, very cold nights. And we found ourselves in the Grey Vale. Mm-hmm. Which is a beautiful part of the countryside with a charming place called Loudwater. Loudwater.

Which is the town. Right. The local town. You're listening to the Yogpod We're playing Dungeons and Dragons I'm Zephos I'm Honeyduke Okay, so we've all met

In this This wonderful town of Loudwater Okay We've come to the town For some reason And we have to decide What we're doing here So why are we here?

Okay, well, uh, I, my character is a, um, what we're doing, right. Oh god this is so embarrassing! I can give you a hook. It's okay, if you can't think of anything, that's fine. That's fine, okay? We, um... We're visiting this town for the first time. We hooked up just outside the Grey Vale. We hooked up? We just happened to...

Yeah, we just happened to bump into each other. What do you mean, we hooked up? You had crawled out... You've crawled out of some bowl. You do know what that means? That means, like, we, you know... We, like, you know... Got together in that sort of weird way. And you're like some sort of human bard.

I'm a robot. And Lemaddy is like some elf with a cat. It's safety in numbers. So when you bump into people as you're travelling around the wilderness, it's good to hang out with them. Right. Because there's strength in numbers it's the herd mentality

we're like sheeple what if we're not all aligned the same way alignment doesn't terribly matter you can just decide if you want to you can decide whether you're going to be a good

or bad character. I mean, it's all in how you play the character, what you decide. Right, well, let's go through our backgrounds again a little bit. However you want. Just because I think that that's the most interesting bit. Okay. So my character is a golem who was defending Like an ancient treasure vault Underground And he Some raiders broke into the

Vault And stole the treasure And now I'm sort of on a mission to go after them And reclaim the treasure I'm a sort of golem And by a complete Coincidence you just happened to bump Into two adventurers outside your vault.

Yeah. Well, no, I'd probably been tracking them for some time. So we were beaten. And, you know, but I lost track of them. And now I'm just sort of don't really know where to go. And maybe I saw you were in trouble. Maybe you were having a bit of trouble fighting off someone. And because I'm a good character

I saved you from wolves Or something Because you're programmed To defend people It is my programming Must defend human No I just thought that you know Safety in numbers

I mean I'm a golem But I'm not stupid So who are you HoneyJu What's your character You are stupid though Aren't you Your character is stupid

My character is called Brick Yeah I'm a human bard Called Dylan With a magical Inspiring voice I bumped into this queer-looking fellow

who appeared to be made out of metal and brick. Queer-looking? He was a bit strange. It's fine. It's a medieval setting. We're allowed to use words like queer. I had a gay spring in my

step when I saw you. I had a gay spring in my step when I saw you. I had a gay spring in my step when I came across a queer looking fella. Came across him? Okay, so, hello, my name is Dylan. Who the hell are you? Hello, my name is Brick. I am a robot. Thanks for helping me against those wolves back then. Okay. Such a good impression. I'm bowled over by that. I don't know what to do.

So the two of us have hooked up when I had a queer... It came all over me. I had a gay spring in my step. I came all over this queer looking fellow. And then we met the maddiest character. We bumped into Maeda Wynne. Hannah? Maeda Wynne. Don't be shy.

Hello. Now, how did we come across Hannah, so to speak? Well, surely I would come across you two, seeing as you both are crap in the woods. Ah. I mean, crap in the woods. I mean crap in the woods! We don't... Sammy! I happen to know that there's a lovely town nearby called Loudwater.

That's roleplaying. Is that where you're from? Hang on. You can just decide No I can't I'm about to get gate crashed Oh for god's sake Is it a queer looking fellow So right well we

The Maddy has joined us somehow She's came over us in the woods She was She was on the outskirts of the town Um Picking berries And she saw that a strange man She was on the outskirts of the town picking berries. And she saw that a strange man with a magical instrument and a massive

metal golem are sort of just, you know, they look like a good bunch of... Trampling through the woods. You're like knocking over trees. It's fun. Maybe she could like, I don't know, she. It's fun. Maybe she could, like...

I don't know, though. She wouldn't try and rob us, though, would she? Why would she ever, like, come and... No, of course she wouldn't. Come and, like, uh... Have you got a dice there? A die? I might do.

You're rolling it. Oh, man. So, we're all together. This is good. It's a good start. Sorry about that. Hannah, your character, Maedawyn, was out... You're staying in Loudwater.

Yes! You've been picking some berries around the town, on the outskirts of town. Yes! And you bump into us, and we've never been there before. Hello! Okay, so we're going to the town. This has taken ages to get to this goddamn town. Jesus, you think this has taken ages?

This has taken us about five seconds to get there, in the whole scheme of things. Okay, so first of all, we're going to need Hannah can roll for a nature check because she's been on the outskirts of the town. She can check

some things. Okay. Hannah. You guys scared yet? Roll a nature check. Okay. How are we going to do the dice rolls? Roll. Roll, Hannah. How did I not have any dice?

You're going to have to roll. One. For her. Oh, right. Do you have dice? Yes. Okay, we'll roll. Okay, so Maedawyn,

she's trained in nature. She has plus five to it. Mm-hmm. Modified by her zero wisdom. Right, let me check something. Already, we're stopping to look at the rules. Good, good. And it hasn't even started yet.

Just cut the rule bits out. Oh, right. Oh, this is easy, actually. No, we have to look at the rules. Shut up, good. And it hasn't even started yet. Just cut the rule bits out. Oh, right. Oh, this is easy, actually. No, we've got a natural success. Shut up, Hannah. We have to look at the rules. We're going to play this properly, even if it takes forever. Oh, God.

Okay, so Hannah, you've been... Yeah, I know. Cut that bit out. Okay, so Hannah's been staying in the town for a while. Okay, so Hannah's been staying in the town for a while. She's been out picking berries on the outskirts of town to make her berry juice with. Her famous Maida Wynn berry juice. And as she's been looking around, she's noticed that some of the trees have lost their leaves around the outskirts of the town and that

the ground beneath her feet, the blades of grass seem a bit crisp. They crunch underfoot and occasionally she'll see the

white breath come out of her mouth as she's breathing heavily, slumped over, picking berries. It's cold, that's what I'm saying. It's cold. It's getting a bit cold for some reason, in the middle of summer. Yes, it's the middle of summer, and on the outskirts of town it's it seems to be a little bit chilly which is a bit odd mysterious okay well that's a bit of foreshadowing obviously for what's to come but so hannah has to she has to do some role playing here she has to introduce herself to us say who she is and she has to inform us that something isn't quite right

around the town of Loudwater. Maybe we've stumbled across you picking berries, and now I'm raising my mace threateningly. I'm intimidating you. Why would you intimidate her? I'm intimidating you Why would you intimidate her? I mean she looks She's like this harmless Frail

Pretty girl With a little pet cat By her side She's picking berries And the first thing you do Is you like Jump up behind her Fucking

Waving your flail around And roaring In her face No no no That's not No no I don't think I don't think she's like

I think she's sort of a slanty-eyed, sneaky-looking half-elf. What? You can't say that! You can't say that! Is that like racism against half-elves? It is. I'm just a bit twitchy, that's all. I don't know whether she's going to threaten

to like, you know, she could be, what's she doing all don't know whether she's going to threaten to, like, you know... She could be... What's she doing all the way out here in the woods? You know? Okay, well, ask her that. Ask her that, in character. She's a little bit dirty. I'm sorry?

Ask her that, in character. Ask her, what are you doing out here? Hello. Identify yourself. Hello. I'm just picking berries. My name is Maeda Wynn. And I'm from the village thing. Over there. Don't hurt me.

Oh. Sorry. Brilliant. What a brilliant exchange. Amazing. Oh, dear. So I, with my insight, you know, I can tell that she's telling, well, I can tell you this. Brick,

I can tell she's telling the truth. And I know for a fact that the village or town of Loudwater is just here somewhere. So we know that she's telling the truth now.

So I guess we can trust her a bit. Right. Now, Hannah, well, actually, we can ask her. Well, what would you like to ask her? Brick. Is there anything you want to find out?

Please provide information about local housing area. There is an inn called the Fat Pig. Um... Which does a very nice bed and breakfast. I don't know why I've gone into this voice. Um... Oh my god. So there's a very nice bed and breakfast, I don't know why I've gone into this voice. There's also a potion shop, an armour merchant and a consumables vendor. A story is going nowhere.

It's fine, it's fine though, we're getting used used to it We're getting into the flow of it We're learning how to roleplay Just a little bit We're getting into our characters I get the impression that I should have chosen a character That was a little bit more sociable Because my robot isn't actually Supposed to be the one initiating conversations

No this is good though This is good though Because what you're saying You're actually supposed to be the one initiating conversations. No, this is good though. This is good though because what you're saying, you know, you're different. You're different. You're special. Vive la différence. Right, okay. Excuse me, young maiden. Could you please lead us the way to the inn if you would be so kind. Yes, of course. The best roleplaying ever, this is. Excellent news.

She immediately does what I say. What the hell? That's a bit odd. I will refrain from crushing your skull for a while. Okay, so the three of us journey from the outskirts of the town past the industrial district, the out of town ASDA, there's an office world There That we stroll past Half price offer on computer chairs Actually that could be quite useful If we needed If we needed a chair It's only ten gold pieces

You could use that We could say that your flail Your flail is actually a half price computer chair That you bought from the Out oftown office world from Loudwater. So we head into town. It's quite a quaint little town. The sun is shining above us, but it's kind of shimmering. There's like an aura around the sun. Let's see, we want to set up possibly

a base in the inn, so we want to get ourselves some housing for the night, possibly. Because we've had a long journey getting to Loudwater, so Maedwyn shows us the way to the inn. It's quite a ramshackle place. It's probably quite cheap for us, which we're quite relieved by because we don't actually have any gold on us really. There don't seem to be any horses in the stables as we walk past We just see that there's a couple of old donkeys These old grey donkeys with these roomy yellow eyes They seem to be coughing a bit We think that's a little bit odd

Oh dear But we don't worry about it too much. I mean, this might be perfectly normal for a town like Loudwater. We don't know. So we walk into the inn. It's quite dark inside. It's quite dirty as well. There's straw all over the floor.

You think you might see... Brick thinks he sees a pile of vomit over in the floor. You think you might see Brick. Brick thinks he sees a pile of vomit over in the corner, but he doesn't. Well, how do you react to that? You walk into an inn. It looks like it's a state. Cuban mucus extract located on carpet over there. You rolled a good perception check to be able to identify the vomit. Congratulations.

Yeah. I'll give you a bonus 1 XP for that. That's nothing. That doesn't mean anything at all. So the innkeeper is there. He's behind the bar area of the inn. And there, he's behind the bar area of the inn

and he looks up, he sees Maedwyn who he recognises but he also sees quite a handsome good looking man with a bit of a beard some quite long hair

that's me, I'm describing myself right, yep he, even though the innkeeper is a beard, some quite long hair. That's me describing myself. Even though the innkeeper is a strictly heterosexual man, he can't help but feel slightly attracted to this handsome beast of a man.

And he actually gazes down to the trouser area of the bard, and he sees a massive bulge in the bard's trouser. Is that your loot? I told you not to keep it in your pocket. Do you have a loot in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? I love this.

He also sees a terrifying looking monstrous beast, a giant metal man with glowing eyes who appears to be pointing at where Dave was sick last night for some reason. He seems to be fascinated

with this pile of vomit that Dave left. Analysis running. Excuse me? What do you think you're doing? Greetings, barkeep. I'm not a barkeep. I own this place.

I'm the innkeeper. My name is Jeremy Innkeeper. Kyle. I couldn't think of a name. I am Jeremy Kyle. I suppose you're looking for lodgings, are ye? That's how they speak. They say ye.

I do not require shelter or sustenance. However, these meatbags do. You will provide them a room. Well, Maedawin already has a room here, right? If you don't want to buy anything, and if you don't want a room,

could you get out of my fucking inn, please? Because you're taking up a lot of space there, and you're pointing out the vomit that Dave left last night. Yes, I can. Is that it? You're just going to leave? You're just going to let this guy boss you around? Yeah, yeah. Is that it? I'm going to head out into...

I don't want to, you know... Yeah, he doesn't pose any threat. I'm just going to go out and stand outside. He's being rude to you. Yeah, but he's not armed. He told you to get the fuck out. I don't mind. How do you know he's not armed? I can't tell whether he's being rude or not, man. Have you looked? Have you examined him? I don't take offence like that.

So you're just... You're the type of guy who just lets people push you around. And you just do whatever they say. No, I just don't have a problem with it. You know, there's nothing in there for me. I'm just going to go and stand outside for a few hours until you guys have had some sleep with the donkeys um i mean you could have tried intimidating him no that was that was an option well i'm not gonna i'm just gonna you know i don't

want to get into a bar fight that always happens in these things okay so basically what happens is the bard dylan he buys a room for the night he has a charming candlelight meal with made a win oh nice he fails to get anywhere with her whatsoever well he doesn't want to talk about cushions he was um a little bit what i'm sorry yeah what i thought that was no he is were giving No, he is all man He is a man's man Wait, no Yeah, he's a man's man That's exactly what I thought he was

So, yeah, Maedwyn and Dylan, they eat They go to bed You're just stood completely still outside Yeah With two ill donkeys for all of the night until the sun rises the next day. I'm just giving a nod to the donkeys. Is that all you do? You don't want to do anything else? You don't want to explore around the town at night? No, that doesn't interest me.

You're just not interested whatsoever. So you literally just stand there All night next to two sick donkeys Well no I'm sort of guarding you You know I'm like watching out Making sure there's no suspicious characters around Right Okay so you're

So you're taking in your surroundings You're looking around at people Seeing who's passing by That kind of thing? Well, I'm not really very perceptive, but I mean, I'm... That's why the stuff got stolen from the vault in the first place. Well,

you don't need to be too perceptive if you're stood there for hours at a time watching people come and go. You will just see certain things. Yeah. I mean, for example, you can see there's quite a few arguments That go on in town

Oh gosh As you're stood there You see lots of people covered in Dirt and muck Arguing with quite a well dressed Young half elf lady Right You know that it's not Maedawyn,

but you don't know who it is. They all look the same to me. They do. But she's quite well-dressed, and there's all of these mucky people constantly coming up to her, arguing. She tries to walk away from them, and they're catching her ear

and arguing again and again. But I mean you're not that interested in what they're actually saying so you're not paying attention to that. But you know there's something, something we've performed our daily ablutions. We're clean, fresh of face after a long night's sleep. And the bard, Dylan, and the sorceress, Maedwyn, make their way out of the inn. Maedwyn make their way out of the inn. Maedwyn's kind of being like a tour guide, I guess, for the bard.

And we see outside that you're still stood there with the donkeys. So Hannah, are you still here? Are you still alive? Yes. Yes! Hooray! You could have chipped in at any point You realise The sun has risen

Our journey continues I had a lovely dinner last night And I had a sausage this morning If you know what I mean Brick looks at you Okay He doesn't understand He's a simple fellow morning, if you know what I mean. Brick looks at you. Okay. He doesn't understand.

He's a simple fellow. Hey, guys. I'm a bit bored. This town seems pretty dull to me. Have either of you seen anything interesting going on? Um. Here.

In town. Today. Or during the night, yeah. Or yesterday. During the night, there were arguments amongst humans. amongst humans, and a slant-eyed person was arguing with the inhabitants. Also, one of the donkeys took a shit on my foot. What do you mean, slant-eyed?

I'm just going to point at her face. That's what you do. You like the vomit. You just stand there in silence Pointing accusingly At something Okay So you're saying there's a lady Who looks like Maeda Wynn Affirmative

And she was arguing with people Guys I think I can smell An adventure I can smell an adventure. I can smell an adventure. Great. Let's talk to some people and find out what's going on here. I have been scanning my logs, visual logs from last night, and I believe with 99% surety that one of the raiders I am hunting is in this town.

Oh my god. I suggest we speak with this half-elf to acquire information. Let us travel. And then I walk really slowly. Pointing as you do so in front of you. Pointing! Medawen, do you know any of the important people in town? Well, there aren't that many important people in the town because it is quite a small one. That's what she said. But there is a civic leader, which is the half-elf Lady Moonfire,

who, she's got a responsibility for the protection of the town so perhaps it was that night elf that night elf half elf that you saw last night. I would concur with that analysis I suggest we check the large building over here. Points. So there's a large building in front of you. That's the town hall. It is the town hall. That's amazing. I know. Maedwyn is

clearly very knowledgeable about this town. So she takes the hand of the golem brick and she she tries to drag him towards the town how do you react to this half elf woman just grabbing your hand uh passively now i'll just i'll just i mean i'm warming to her now i've got more important things on my mind having checked my visual logs. And I've... The gesture

has decreased her threat level in my internal capacitor. Your internal capacitor. Yeah, that's the thing that measures threat. Yeah, the gentle gesture has warmed your metal threat. Yeah. The gentle gesture

has warmed your metal heart. Yeah. So now we're going hand in hand like Dorothy and the Tin Man towards the flipping town hall. I'm holding your other hand.

And we skip into the town hall. Down the yellow brick road. So we walk into the town hall and there seems to be some form of reception area in front of us. There's what could be described as a crude waiting room with some shitty wooden chairs for people to sit on as they wait. And there's a desk and behind that desk there's this wizened old man who's staring up at you and he... you can tell just by looking at him that he is sick of people. He hates your presence here.

He doesn't really want to speak to you. He's probably had a very bad day. And it's only like 10 o'clock in the morning. Greetings, old creature. What do you want? What do you want? Please provide us with the location of Lady Moonfire. Lady Moonfire is very busy. She doesn't want to speak to anyone.

Err... Hold on! Your voice! Get out of here! Old creature, you will provide information, sort... Intimidation! Okay, let's do this. Oh, fuck. I ain't telling you anything. Get outta here.

The intimidation doesn't work. He's not scared of you, he's just... He just wants to get rid of you. Uh, alright, um... So how can we get some information out of him or secure a meeting with Lady Moonfire? Could I perhaps make it worth your while? Oh Jesus! I have gold. Lots of gold. Oh right, thank God for that. Oh Jesus. Disgusting men. What a way you were going with that, Jesus

Christ. No I'm going to prize him with money. When you... Soon as you said, can I make it worth your while, his eyes lit up. It looked as though his birthday had come. He was so happy. There was just a glimmer of hope and of happiness. And soon as you mentioned the money, that just dissolved

and he just sighs he lowers his head to the desk with an audible thump and he starts crying that's him crying. He's crying.

Right. So, are you really going to bribe him, or attempt to bribe him? What, with money? Has someone else got charm? I mean, I'm not exactly the one who should be doing the negotiations here anyway. Yeah, I mean, diplomacy is the skill that you use, which Maedawynn is very talented at Okay

Use diplomacy Well it was what It was what you said It was the words that you used Exactly those words They cut him deep He thought he was going to get some action But it turns out that you don't see him that way

Um And you just want to give him money I'm only 20 going to get some action, but it turns out that you don't see him that way. And you just want to give him money. I'm only 20! Are you going to attempt to bribe him with gold? And if so, how much are you going to offer him? Well, I don't know how much, how important one gold piece is in this game. One gold piece? That'll do. And a kiss.

One gold piece and a kiss? Holy shit. Alright, Kyle's Air Force is now using me as a bargaining tool. Look, just go with whatever you want. I'm really sorry I upset you. I'm really sorry I upset you. But I really need to talk to Lady Moonfire. I'm so alone!

He's wailing. Perhaps if I cross your palm with silver? You're not a gypsy. Give him the cat. It'll despawn after 24 hours. Oh, OK. I can't offer him the cat. I can't offer that. Say him a...

No, but maybe he likes cats. Maybe the cat will purr around his legs or something. Would he really want a cat? Just think about this. Would he be interested in a cat? Yeah. Just like the cat. The cat solves the problem.

Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow problem is that a cat? is that a cat? now his demeanour has changed entirely, he's stopped crying he looks terrified he looks absolutely

terrified, his eyes are wide open, he's gripping the desk Beads of sweat drip down his brow And he is eyeing the cat As though it is a lethal weapon pointed at him If you were to let us see Lady Moonfire I could take the cat away And I might give you a hug.

Ah! Ah! Wow. There you go. A hug. Oh my god. I will also provide a hug. I don't want a hug

from him. I want a hug from her. And get rid of the cat! He points at the cat. I point at the cat. I, too, point at the cat. And then it goes away. Dylan the Bard also points at the cat.

The cat lets out a horrible screech and jumps out the window. Hooray! Goes the cat. The cat lets out a horrible screech and jumps out the window. Hooray! Goes the man. He leaps from behind the desk and launches himself at Maedawyn. His arms outstretched, ready to hug her. And how do you react?

Um, can I dodge it? It would be a reflex save. Can I do that? Okay, hang on. Oh, you don't dodge him at all. You do not dodge him. Oh my god.

Okay, he's managed to grapple you as a grab action. And he's... Oh my God, there's actually a fear for being pointed at. Mm-hmm. My cat has it. Wow.

That's actually a medical condition. Yes. Wow, that's amazing. So he's grappling you. He's kind of making a weird noise, like... Like that. He's filled with happiness.

He's squealing, and he's hugging you tight. Brick, how would you react to this? Passively I'm just going to stand there Oh thanks I'm just going to look at Dylan

Like sideways Are you going to point Point at the man There's a strange beeping noise A strange beeping noise Within the place That's um That's Brick

He's beeping The hug alarm is going off So okay Oh my god No no Are you not going to do anything You're just going to let this weird Knackered old man

He's not like filthy or anything He must be quite clean He's just an old man He's an old man There's nothing wrong with that He's a like filthy or anything, is he? He must be quite clean. He's just an old man. He's an old man! There's nothing wrong with that. He's a nice old man. He needs a bit of a hug. He's probably very short as well, so is it boob height?

Well, you're pretty tiny. Oh my god. Actually, I'm an elf, so I should be quite tall. That's a good question. Hang on, hang on. Is he like motorboating you? If it's boob height, it's not on. No, he's not doing that. Not much to motorboat in there,

to be honest. Sorry. Oh, wow. I assume. Wow. That's vastly off topic. Okay, so the guy, he... He's hugging Hannah and suddenly he shudders. His face turns bright red, and he just legs it straight out of the town hall.

And there's like a poof of smoke as he runs away. So, you're in the town hall, you're standing in front of the desk, an empty desk, and you do spy a door over in the corner, a door that says, it says Lady Moonfire. It says Lady Moonfire on it, oh my god. It says, it? Oh my god. It says, Loudwaters. It says that on it. It says, it says. If it says that on it, why haven't we noticed it earlier? That's my question.

Because, I would have stroked straight up to it. We just left the fucking cat looking at it and gone to the fucking door. And we could have avoided the last 15 minutes of crap.

For god's sake. It says, no cats, it says on it as well or something. Of me being practically raped by an old man. Well, you didn't look around. You didn't look around the room. You didn't try and examine anything. You didn't look around.

You didn't say, oh, I would like to... I don't know what we're allowed to do. If I say, oh, look, there's a well, then the well might not be allowed. So you didn't... So, okay, alright, alright, alright. No, hang on, hang on. So I walk up to the door and knock on it. Let me just crave it.

Ah, okay. It's a giant double door. It's probably nine feet tall and about twelve feet wide. So about the size of me then. And emblazoned on these wooden doors in some glowing glyphs. It says in very pretty florid language in writing. Florid writing. It says, Lady Moonfire,

civic leader of Loudwater, office here. And there's an arrow pointing right to the door. How does an arrow on the door point to the door? This is the door that you didn't spot. Where does it point?

It's glowing. It points to the knob. It points into the door, so it's just a square. What you're saying is there's a square. Yeah. Yeah, but it's

bright, glowing writing. I don't know how you failed to spot it. Well, maybe I was being put off by the fact that an old man was trying to rape me. He wasn't. Leave him alone, he's a nice old man. I like him. I hope we meet him again. Well, you can hug him next time. Next time we have to visit a city leader, the same old man will be there. It's like Nurse Joy at all the Pokemon centres. Wow.

So you're standing in the Pokemon references to the Dungeons and Dragons after eSession of the Yogg Pod.

Three people who were addicted to World of Warcraft. Could we be any worse? We could all be drunk. Okay. So what are you going to do with the door?

What are you going to do? I'm going to, well, I'm going to knock on the door. Kick it down. Okay. I always like take the polite approach. If the polite approach fails. Of course you do. Then, well, we'll see.

So you knock on the door and you leave a visible dent in it as you do so because you are so strong and you don't really quite know how to handle your own strength. I'm not really very familiar with knocking, so I just knock once. You knock once, leaving a massive dent, and that one knock is the loudest noise that this village has ever, ever witnessed. It's like

the noise of a sonic boom going off in the middle of town. You can hear some rustling of papers from behind the door. I push the door open. I mean, I'm not that familiar with human etiquette,

but I do know the very basics. And so I've knocked and now I can come in. I understand that's what happens with closed doors. Okay. It's polite. You open the door and in front of you, you can't even see a desk in this office. It's just sheaths of paper everywhere. On the floor, on top of some boxes in the corner, there's a couple of chairs that are piled high with paper.

chairs that are piled high with paper, and on the floor, on her knees, you see the half-elf who is clearly Lady Moonfire. You can determine this much. You're not that stupid. I recognise her from my visual

capacitor. Yes. Visual logs. Recognise Lady Moonfire. And then you point at her. Confirm identification. Would you like to talk to Lady Moonfire? Would you like to explain why you barged into her office? Because she hasn't quite had time to react yet.

Well, since my last conversation went so well, I might as well try again. Greetings! Right. She looks up, she sees a giant Iron Man. Please, I am looking to acquire information about suspected criminal. Oh hello there! Who the hell are, and what are you doing in my office? And I suppose you're the source of that enormous bang, aren't you? Oh dear, oh dear. I think, Hannah, you should cut in here.

You can't just ask questions and demand I'm still outside. You're in her office. You can't just plug it in without me. I'm just standing outside looking at the desk. Oh, alright, I've just blundered in. The reception desk. Mm-hmm. Still in shock at being touched

by a human. Yesterday night at 7.21 AM my visual units detected a man believed to be a criminal walking down the main square. Description follows.

Five foot six, bandana with red stripe, long white robe with red swirly symbols resembling a dragon. Do you know this man? I don't think I do know that man, no. But, um, are you some kind of police officer? No. So you're not a police officer. You're just some random man, not even a man. Probably doesn't even know what it is, what a police officer is.

I'm an ancient Warforged defender that's just come out of, like, the ground with a completely forgotten series of etiquette rules that were never very well programmed to begin with. Hang on, did you say... Her voice changes every time I speak. Just get used to it.

Did you say he, um... He had a dragon symbol on his bandana. Yes, and on his cloak, Your Royal Highness. Actually, now that I think about it, I do know this fellow. I've seen him around a few times. Do you know where he could be located? I've seen him around a few times. Do you know where he could be located?

Well, I could tell you, but you'd have to do something for me. State your request. We've had a lot of trouble in town lately over the last few weeks and even though it's the middle of summer the fields outside of town where the farmers grew their crops have been freezing cold and all the crops have been dying I've had earfuls from these farmers day and night

I'm barely able to sleep They're knocking on my doors They're moaning, they're complaining They're suggesting that I Do something and find out what's going on I have no idea What could possibly Be causing this But something terrible

And possibly evil is going on Hello? Hello? That's a long speech. Oh God. How can I help you, Lady Moonfire? Well, I would like you to find the source of this evil cold that's haunting us and ruining our harvests. Not that we've had a harvest yet because it's summer but but come autumn when we harvest things

all of the crops are going to be completely fucked and we're not going to be able to eat our dinners because there will be no dinner because all of the crops will be dead and that's what we eat for dinner our crops i would like you to explore the nearby forest which we call the Dire Wood. Um, your voice box appears to have changed dramatically. Are you...

It's how we pronounce it. Um... Oh. If you... I could write it down for you, if that would help. Yes. It's... Here we go. It's spelled D-I-R-E-W-O-O-D. Dire Wood. Do you mean the dark wood to the south of the settlement? Actually, no. It's to the north. Oh.

I'm not quite sure. Which is the one to the south? The south is the happy wood. It's where the children go and play. It looks quite dark to me. I'm sure I saw an evil presence when we visited.

No, it's a nice, safe place, the Happy Wood. The Dire Wood! The Dire Wood is the place that we tend to have problems with. Right, right. Apparently, we had the same kind of trouble around 30 years ago. But it was nowhere near as bad as it is. In town, it's not so bad. And outside of...

And the outskirts of town, it's not so bad either. But once you go out into the dire wood, you'll see just how terrible it is. Okay. It's terrible. It's like the middle of the bloody winter out there. What's going on? I shall investigate. Explore the dire wood.

Find out what's going on. Yes. And I will reward you with gold pieces and information about this gentleman that you are looking for with the bandana. Okay, I will return shortly. Right, so I... That's all right. I've just turned around. I will give you and your friends 500 gold pieces

if you find out the source of this. I wasn't listening to that. I've just stomped out and Where are you going? I'm going to the north woods. We need help. Help us. I'm heading out towards the

Come back. Come back. The north forest. You're just wandering out. Your hand is pointing north like a compass and you're following it. I think someone's going to have to stop me.

Okay, well, the bard, he turns to Maeduin and he says Did you hear that? Five hundred gold, man! We can help you! Chop! There we go. Brick isn't interested in money anyway, so yeah.

So we found out that outside of the town of Loudwater, in the Grey Vale, there is a forest known as the Dire... And that is where we are going to head to, to actually embark on the adventure for real after we've done all of this.

So was this just the intro, basically? Pretty much. This is... What we've done is we've created the characters, we've put them in a setting, we've introduced them to, well, I think three locals we've had. We've found out that there's something going on. There's something going on in the town.

People are unhappy. Their crops are being ruined because of this unseasonably cold weather in the middle of summer you know that the source of it is somewhere in the direwood and if we go there, find out what's going on and put a stop to it, we'll be rewarded with 500 gold. Sweet.

So that's not bad. That's not bad. Okay, we've made very good progress. I think that was very very usable. Yeah, we've made very good progress. I think that was very, very usable. Yeah, part one. That's part one.

Part two is where the action kicks in. See, behind the scenes, humble listener, Honeydew is constantly rolling dice to see what's going to happen next. Not constantly, but quite often.

Tell us what happens. Constantly. He's constantly rolling dice. He's rolling them now. Can you hear, humble listener? I'll give you an example. The last four rolls that I did, there was...

Oh, Jesus, I can't remember what they were for but brilliant but essentially three well i didn't i didn't make notes i just quickly rolled and continued but out of the last four rolls there were two fours and a five which is brilliant which means that nothing extra was revealed That could have been Isn't that amazing So there could have been all this extra story And you just didn't get it Thank god for that to be honest

We didn't get it I mean it can be just a little extra Information and stuff Do you want to have a short break And then carry on and do another Bit or have you had enough? Be thankful that you found out about the fucking dire wood. I mean, you might have failed that.

I had no idea. Me and Hannah would have been, like, standing there, you know. There is someone, I'll tell you now, there is someone else in town that you haven't found out about due to a failed roll. And there's somewhere specific in the dire world that you have to look for that you haven't found out about. And there is a couple of dangers that you haven't found out about either. We're not allowed to go back and ask, are we? Well done. No, no, it's gone. It's done. Bugger. Well, that's all from the Yogpod this week.

Do let us know if you want to hear more of the adventures of Dylan, Brick and Maedawyn. Okay, guys. Bye. Bye! Bye.