Tuesdays with Stories! - #383 No Chill

Episode Date: January 12, 2021

It's another hot ep as Joe get's a bad haircut before having to maneuver out of some angry traffic, while Mark does a rowdy Manhattan show before drama unfolds on his way to Tempe! Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays) & Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my radio is spitting at me hey shit fuck cunt jizz blacks how you doing folks it's Tuesdays with stories we're back oh yeah got a hat on I got my hair looks okay quite frankly I coming back it's fluffed up it's nice it's got a

hell of a shine on it too or maybe that's the forehead coming back what do you mean coming back I just got a cut that's what I'm saying you got a cut then has to come back to normal it takes a day or two well there you go I got a cut and by the way check out the show on YouTube subscribe to the YouTube we're blowing each other over here and if you want it the week it comes out get on the patreon yeah you silly fucks I know every week so anyway what's this is the old one what did they talk about OJ and Reaganomics you gotta get the new one get the new one so I got a haircut boy haircuts are really never ending I have

had a guy do you have a guy a good guy I got a place it's a different guy one day it's an Islam the next day it's a Russian then I got a Croatian I'm all over the UN well it's it's all Russian Jews over here and we've probably mentioned it before I switched it to mentions that I talked about we've probably mentioned it before but it's so fascinating when you have one ethnicity that's all doing one thing like yes in a story every barber is a Russian Jew I don't know what happened with the Jews and Russians they were like let's go cut cut the hair in in Queens but that's what they're doing I'll tell you what it is it's the Koreans do

the nails the Japanese are doing the laundry the Turkish bath house Russian bobbing they go some ballsy guy leaves the homeland and goes hey I got us a gig get down here and they all get on the boat to come down Ellis Island and they jump in the same gig it's a family affair now I'm driving the bus I don't know why I did a choo choo for a boat but you got it that's the same thing that the choo choo in the whoo-hoo the boat is kind of like a similar similar I should done that I don't even know do you pull a string or is it a lever or a button who knows I think you could pull a string I think it's yeah I think it's a I don't

know which boat is which cuz like my uncle's boat it's just a button it's like I and it goes oh that's right it's about I assume the big fucking bring all the Jews over is a it's a big horn it's a it's a string speaking of big horns that's what they have on their face I got the horns by the way your uncle has a boat that's pretty good oh yeah a big boater I mean I've been not been boating since the 80s yeah wow all right off the boat see I would love a boat I mean obviously I don't have the means and the finances and the capital but I would love a boat but every all you hear is they did the depreciating value the

second you take it off the pier and I'm like I couldn't enjoy it cuz every day would go by I go it's worthless up it's worthless well it's worth what you get out of it I guess but there's the old adage it's nice to know some of the boat sucks to have a boat and then you know what boat stands for bust out another thousand oh I love the what are you the anagram anachronism they know Fisher I think it's synonym if I'm not mistaken which I probably know no I ain't it synonym is like woman in cunt yes yes it's the same two of the same woman and worthless or useless but an antonym is opposite but but both Seinfeld's got the

great one he's like that's what golf is go out leave family ah that's great well that's his joke but I'm saying there's gonna be a term for that that that move which which anagram an anachronism anaphylactic and Nicole Smith where are we at again I forget what we're talking about all over the road go go out leave family golf about bust out another thousand all right boat that's got a that's is an acronym that's acronym yeah all right NASA national air and space asshole yes abbreviation yes a breva but what were we talking about oh sorry I had something though the haircut maybe that's what the family sends the the

Asian down he starts pressing your pants right so here's what I don't have a guy right now so right before the quarantine mix up here I went to a place I had a meeting in midtown and I went I was like let me get a haircut at this place and it was a fancy pantsy ring the doorbell it's like men in bow ties and a couple fat ladies with manicures and I got my haircut it was nice it felt like a nice place you know it had the feeling of not a bar but like a I don't know what you call them one of the cool places that you have in the village there where people dressed up in this wood and bullshit yeah it's like a salon more it's a

trendy salon it's an experience you get a shampoo a handy and there's the anya playing right exactly Roshan salon and so I got my haircut there and it was like 48 bucks or something crazy and I'm not getting any kind of the fucking thing where they shave your head and right over and whatever I guess the bullshit so I was like this is crazy expensive I go home and I opened the door and a puddle just fires out of my wife's pussy and she's like that's the best haircut I have ever seen she ripped my bra and panties off and just you know stuck her fist in my ass because she's like whatever you did you got to go to that

place every time now is that this one no this is what's going on the world here this is a soggy piece of bread this isn't this is an Enzo but so I kept going to that place but now it's quarantine you know I got jizz in my eyes so I just go to the place down the street which is my original place yeah to the Russian Jews yes boy these guys are not fond of anybody I'll just say that I don't want to you know make people upset but these guys got this slurs like you wouldn't believe I mean it's like it's like a Red Fox record this this place but I really oh yeah it's these people are this those people are

that can you believe these fucking people and you're really like Jesus and you know how it is you got a nod along cuz you got a haircut I'm like oh yeah I hate them the guy's got a pair of cheers at your neck what are you gonna disagree with you guys got a razor up to your ear here yeah I'm with you you can't be like that's actually not true about those folks so you know it's like a clan meeting over there but but it's fascinating to hear what they think too like I don't want to shut them up because I want to know what they're actually the truth that they're thinking they're their truth yes exactly um so

anyway what do you got there a dildo that's a brush huh lady lady stuff all right so anyways I go to get my haircut and there's three guys and there's the old guy Benny sweet guy any honor he cuts my hair and I go yeah I just trim it up I always say not too much because you're always afraid you're gonna leave with a mohawk a joe hawk and he's cutting and look how long it is on the top yeah am I crazy that's a little long on the top I was thinking that it doesn't look bad but it as a guy who's gotten a zillion haircuts I can sense that he left too much on the roof well and here's the thing I'm not wearing my

glasses cuz I gotta give him space to cut cuz you know I don't want him to have to boobly boo so he cuts my hair and he goes how's that well I and I just go great but I haven't put my glasses on yet so I'm going by I'm just looking at the hair on my chest right and then I put the glasses on and I'm like fuck but I've already said great and he already washed his hands so I just leave going I need a fucking haircut I'm the same way every time they get the mirror in the back and they go what do you think of the back and I go and then I leave and I go I got a fucking Theo Vaughn mullet I look like Ray Cyrus over here so but I can't go

back in so I get the lady to snip it up with a couple of butter knives let me ask you this is it like is his brother Steve Ray Cyrus or is his name Billy Ray is a Cyrus the last name is it like Brooke Roberts Brooke Roberts was your Robert's or last name her first name is Ashley Brook her last name is Roberts I think it's a hick he's a hillbilly country guys so I think it's Billy Ray so it's Billy Ray and then like his brother is Ken Cyrus yes which also proves my point that hillbillies and ghetto black guys are the same hillbillies ghetto black guy oh interesting they they they don't seem to

like each other but they're actually the exact same group like if they got guns they play their music out of their truck they're tough guys they hate gays they they're very stuck in their culture you know a certain outfit hats very similar interesting yeah I think we're all very similar people of a certain area and income are all extremely similar and then they they all turn us on each other they that's how they that's how they do us as they say I agree I agree and you it to hate someone it has to trigger there's got to be a thing going on in your life that makes you hate you know they always say of course these two fight

they're very alike you know they always say that and it's the same with groups right groups similar groups are yeah different strokes for different folks or whatever you say yeah I don't I do not want to get into what happened last week we're not gonna get into it but I'll say this I mean on the bonus we did talk about it a little bit and sure it was pretty well predicted the night before on the bonus but anyways I will say this and I don't want to get too much into it because I don't want to deal with everyone saying hey eat your own jizz you piece of shit you cuck liberal faggot fuck you whatever but I was

watching the news and they were like it was one guy was like or as a podcast this guy was like you know this whole thing was you know white nationals of going after marginalized groups they hate marginalized groups and I just want to say I'm like fuck all those people that went into the Capitol I hope they all get go to federal prisoners I think they will but I'm like I think they were those are those are those are probably marginalized yeah I don't know what marginalized means but I'm like I don't think those people are doing well no they're poor they're poor then they're uneducated they're idiots and probably

unemployed you know I don't think these are upstanding citizens yeah I think they're in the margin those aren't like stockbrokers that are in no no they had you saw the pictures of their teeth they were toothless well that's a little I mean I feel like I'm a good person well you have teeth I mean it's a small mouth so I haven't seen any yet but these guys have very little teeth a couple stick out but yeah I just want I don't know I don't want to get into a foxy area I don't want to sound like I'm defending these people either I'm just saying you know I think they're on the margins but then maybe I don't know what marginalized

means I might be using the word wrong I'm just saying these people are not fucking out they're not visiting their second house these folks yes down there and to beat a cop with a flag right right got flags the cops by the way everybody hates the cops this group hates the cops that group hates the cops the polar opposite groups both hate the cops you can't win I mean it's defund the police from the left and then when a cop gets killed by a proud boy they go you killed a police officer how dare you it's like I thought you hated the cops like you everybody just picks which way it's gonna help them you know like if

it's this way one day and it's helping my side this way is perfect but if it's that way the same day and it does help my side that way is no good and by the way I would have killed for a cop on a tank we kept seeing that all summer and everyone was like why do the cops have tanks why they have armor well it's just in case a bunch of fucking redneck pieces of shit hassles take over the capital you can run them over the tank but we're going too far we're getting to it all right my point is it takes one to hate one you know I feel like a Tifa and proud boys they're both psychos and I think they're kind of similar I can see

that yeah you know it's my dear friend of mine said a thing that was very insightful he said the two sides are no longer left and right the two sides are radical and not radical oh and I think that's a great point you have two sides that are fucking outside of their fucking mind losing their shit going this everything's this and this side's going everything's that and they're both bad shit and then there's a bunch of people the majority of people going boy these people are fucking crazy yeah all right I like that that's good radical not radical it's a shame that radical got turned into like skateboarding and

sunglasses radical because it sounds good well there's the rad dude cast which is a podcast I highly recommend Greg Stone Anthony DeVito Brendan air three the funniest guys of all time and all areas yeah yeah that's what I'm saying rad is it's it's either a Muslim bomber with a bombstrap to his chest run into an airport he's a radical or it's a guy hanging 10 in Malibu with a sunny D my favorite t-shirt when I was a kid you know how you have like as adults too you have a t-shirt that you just wear all day every day eventually hit puberty you start rubbing come on it but mine was it was a rat on a skateboard and it said

radical oh it was like a white t-shirt and you had a green skateboard and he was like doing this thing it was during you know early 90s when everything was you know skateboarding was like the thing so it was a radical and that was my shirt right everything was radical or extreme extreme Doritos extreme games extreme sports we got it and the same thing happened extremists there you go that's so 90s all right boy this is fun all right we're taking over the world here and trying to stay neutral for Christ's sake well I mean I'm not I'm not I want to say I'm not neutral but comedically oh I say I say because people

you say you're neutral people will fucking firebomb your house I know by the way do you see that video of it's going around the the hood hood clips it's a it's Jimmy Fallon talking to RuPaul and Jimmy Fallon goes God RuPaul first of all the title of the video is when Jimmy Fallon thought he was about to get canceled and RuPaul is talking to Jimmy Fallon he goes so here's your album you're the first drag queen ever and he goes drag queen drag queen Jimmy Fallon goes and he goes I am the drag king and he goes oh you can see Fallon like breathe a air of relief it's a great moment in history like you see everybody's

fucking nervous that's hilarious no that's how I feel right now I'm already in my mind I'm like I haven't heard the last four things you said cuz I said one thing about the other thing like oh we're fucked that's why I get annoyed when they go there's no canceling now shut up there isn't come like everybody's terrified we're all shivered in our tootsies over here cuz we don't want to say retard on the wrong app no it's nerve-wracking and it's crazy kooky week and you know who could have saw that coming but anyways you know what can you do it's great for comedy I guess there's a lot of crazy shit going on oh

yeah I had a hot tweet it was fun I really took advantage of that civil war that happened but you know what can you do yeah yeah all right well I got a lot to stick in your ass see if you squirt and yeah I haven't seen you in a coon's age it's great to see you and yeah I want to hear all about it because I'm a little fucked up I mean either the the news I took hard and then I got some family shit going on so I was up there all weekend and it it's drama to the left and and fiasco to the right and you know my dad behind me and so I need some I'm like a fan of the show I need you to really you know throw some things

in my face or whatever you got it very well put on put on your face shield at a mask cuz I'm about to spit some COVID right in your mouth here I'll show sucks get out here with the face shield it's a bit much and I can get my dick right under it can I I mean you got the whole world coming out the bottom I don't get the face shield I like the mask I'm pro mask put on a mask you know I like the movie the mask yeah whatever the fuck catcher's mask but that's great the shield is a bad show and it's a bad idea people love that show so watch out that's gonna be the big big snafu of the episode that's what

happens that we have this whole thing and no one gives a shit and then I'm like I don't know the sopranos I don't care for the act like what you fucking piece of shit well I'm still mad at Ron on for a lot not like it's John Candy I don't he's the gold the whole guy is moot everything he says I'm out I'm like you hate John Candy what are you talking about I mean I want to get to your story here but Ron on I feel for him I mean he is taking a beating in the YouTube comments good it's brutal I mean the poor guy it's really harsh and I feel for him because I'm like I love doing the show we're doing this podcast

it's on YouTube we put the audio on the patreon here but it's a blast and I love talking to him but god this poor guy I mean they're really letting him have it because he doesn't like home alone and he hates John Candy he doesn't like John Hughes and alright you see he's got some see that's what worries me about reviews and critiques and all this shit is half of it comes from internal you're a dead anally raped your mom in front of you on Christmas morning and now you hate home alone because it has to do with Christmas it ain't fair you can't critique things with your own internal bullshit dilemma going on and then you spew it

out onto the page and you attack you know cuckoo's nest or whatever the hell it is it's not fair to the movie but that's the thing though then people take it personally you're like hey I'm just saying that cuz my dad was ready to get mad at me like I people I'm like I don't like the Sopranos let go folks you enjoy the Sopranos I don't like it you know what you like it just to say it's bad like if you don't like German food and you go yeah I went to the German restaurant it sucks the food is bad but you don't like German food so how can I trust the review that's fair I mean that's why I say I think it's bad you

think it's great whatever but here's one thing I do get annoyed with and I had a fun talk with a friend of ours where I said you know he's like sometimes he was we're talking about Ronon's nonsense and he said well I think sometimes people just want to be contrarian they want to be different and I said well I take that I take exception to that because people say that to me about the Sopranos and I'm like I'm not trying to be I would love to like the Sopranos right I don't care for it I'm not trying to be special I don't like it and then he said then this guy responded oh I fucking hate the Sopranos there you go you're not

trying to be contrarian you hate it he's like oh it's the worst thing I've ever seen that first of all I kissed him on the lips and blew him yeah and but wow where'd you find this guy under under a bridge he could he's he's under everything he's very small and he loves hockey I read you loud and loud and queer all right but anyways get let's get to these stories I talked to that little nugget today actually but fun nugget fun little guy it's a great guy good egg all right so we'll start off a little lighter I got a guy got about two or three things I want to put in your mouth and see if you salivate but so I

do a show in Montauk Long Island months ago I don't know if you remember that it drove out there with Fat Doug Key we did a show on a porch it was pretty light it's a four-hour drive but it's beautiful we made a night out of it we got clams it was fun either way I made friends with the guy who invented the magazine it's one of these hip magazines it sells for $45 the paper is worth more than my apartment you know it's it and it's very chic and cool clothes and smells like soap and lavender you know these magazines that are like taller than the regular mags yes very thick it sounds like binding yes yes binding and you

know it's it's whatever it's always got like a here's our Korea episode where we talk about Korea we sent the guy out there at Korean food and fucked up the Sim King or Kim and named Ja Moon or whatever but either way so they know I like comedy so they said hey we doing our interview episode we'd like you to interview a hero of yours and I said okay great I'll interview Colin Quinn they said great we love Colin Quinn so I interviewed Colin Quinn it went great they put in print they sent me the hard copy you know I got all my wall now I'm in the whale bone it's a very exciting and as a gift they sent a huge box now I

don't know what this is I open it up it's a cooler oh I thought it was gonna be my mother huge box folks yes so they sent me well they're both ice cold inside but I prop it open you know it's got the dry ice with the packs of ice it goes I go holy hell I look in it it's four four pints of ice cream and I go oh my god I can't believe it this is unbelievable so I'm looking at Rocky Road and so even or what is it vanilla bean all this great stuff and I squeeze it and it's squishy and I go oh it must have melted I was on the I was on the road I finally got back and nobody saw it it must have melted in the package room so

I go ah so I put them all in the freezer and I go tonight we're eating all this ice cream I can't wait and the whole day I had a couple shows around the city I had a couple pods I could not wait for this ice cream to freeze so I could eat it you know that feeling when you just oh baby it's Christmas morning I got this ice cream in there it's free ice cream that's it's exciting here we go yes was that a question yes I know that feel I feel that way right now with what happens with the ice cream I can't wait I'm dying all right so here's the here's the clinker I do the shows I get back at 11 at night you know I'm

sweating I put my hat on the on the hook I take my scarf off you know I put some logs on the fire feed the dog pet the kids put the wife down and then I open the freezer I pop open the lid first of all you know it's a pint of ice cream they're this tall ice cream has shrunk down to here what like it's just gone all the way down like I've never eaten ice cream my whole life I've never seen this huh I never see it sorry what'd you say I was gonna say I've never seen anyone go down or something something down it was it was a bat like I tried to fake a punt and then I just snapped the wrong guy and the whole thing fell apart

all either way that I see ice cream it's gone from here to here I've never seen ice cream do that it looks like it evaporated which I'm like what I've never seen ice cream do this at all my years I get a scoop in and I do the whole thing where I go to I've got the lady with me I'm like we're not gonna eat it out of the cart let's put it in the cups let's put in the mugs and go in front of the TV and really enjoy it she goes all right great so we scoop it in the mug scoop it in the mug we get to the the couch sniffing it's got a little funk to it I bite into it oh it's turned it's sour it's gone the hell it's it's rotten

it's rancid oh god all of them all of them have you ever heard of this is it like I don't know anything I'm completely retarded I call my mother to see how long you microwave a pizza for I don't know how long eggs last I don't know how long my tits last so I have no idea so is it like like a cheese where it's like chunky and rancid or it's what is it I don't get it well I look on the lit on the cat a canister there and it says dairy-free mmm so that the lady was all excited she's lactose basically so she's like dairy-free I can eat it this is great so I said great I'll eat it too we'll have an ice cream fest and it just

was sour as my dad's asshole and I even try to like put down a few bites and it was so rancid it tastes like old milk oh that's awful that's I feel for the people to who sent you a nice gift it's like a flower that doesn't blossom as Kramer said exactly because they had to take the time to package it and put it in the cooler box with the dry ice and ship it I mean I wrote him a nice thank you but they'll never know that their ice cream turned on me I got two things one when you opened it and it was dry ice I legitimately thought they sent you a vaccine like they were like here's the kid here's the needle fucking vaccinate

that would be amazing what a gift two and I hope this maybe this is hoping too much did you throw it away put your boots on your hat back on your two-piece suit and go to the store and get some Haagen-Dazs so you can still live the dream interesting question quite the opposite I put the lid back on I put the ice cream back in the freezer and I watched Cobra Kai like a psycho oh that show sucks that show sucks horrible show horrible that shows that show is is turned ice cream that's what that is but I watched every up yeah we watched like seven and I thought I don't want to just turn this into fucking reviews but I

thought Cobra Kai everyone kept saying it was great first of all I love bread I think he's hilarious and I'm so funny gig such a funny guy great comic and a good hang yeah but I thought it was gonna be real clever and fun it's just kind of like cheeseball it's like a show for kids it's like yeah by the bell it's a kitchen it's horrible but the only beauty of it is it I think it knows it's horrible and the awareness goes a long way I think but it's a horrible show okay yeah all right I thought it was gonna be like a really sharp no fun like thing it's just like I said it's like saved by the bell to me yeah it's cheese

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it's like a tv program here yes so you get that a week early we've been doing bonuses every week the entire pandemic that's about nine months i don't know how many weeks that is four times nine thirty six we'll call it at least thirty six we've done hour long things we've had a bunch of guests and soter tim dillon then we have all the live shows from the past plus a ton of old episodes from 2015 60 i don't know how many years are on there but a bunch of old ones and what else is on there a ton of shit ton of shit i've got weird road green room queefs you got the old sarah and you

movie reviews uh just road stuff and how many car rides have we queefed it up there's so much extra good stuff and and i feel like the the patreon is the real deal you know not to mention we did a sopranos review with sopranos on and strangers by the lake oh yeah a couple great movie movie uh commentaries on there there you go and and all that good stuff so so please check that out and we got a ton of new merch on the public yeah so go check that out we'll put the link to the merch in the uh bio the write up whatever it's called and somehow our icon is back i want to thank shelby fanning the people at apple whatever everybody kept writing

our thing is is back we're back in business so that's exciting it's a it's a great time to be a dues gay and for god's sakes take care of each other for god's sakes don't fucking what are you doing you know what i mean here here it's uh it's getting kooky you're out there by the day you know what it is yeah yeah we got where we're we're clocking in a full calendar year here of being shut down and now it's cold and the the politics are shifting and transitioning and my dick's falling off and so everybody's everybody's getting cuckoo for cocoa puffs and you know i think this would happen at any time you know we always go 2020 oh but this would happen at any time period you go to the middle ages

the renaissance the 80s whatever it is you can't keep people cooped up they need a structure they need to work they need to go to go outside and uh it it's getting it's getting hairy out there it's crazy times whenever we talked about this a couple weeks ago everyone was like 2020 i can't wait for me 2020 for me over six days into 2021 there's like a fucking homegrown attack on the capital you're like i don't know 2021 we all knew this would be great and hunky dory and god only knows what's gonna happen on the fucking 17th or whatever it is but i don't want to go down the wormhole asshole rabbit hole but uh i think you know my feelings folks so that's that i think the capital thing will quell a little bit of the inauguration stuff that's my theory uh yeah i

don't want to get to all right but i don't know and i think it was a pretty clear dog whistle the old i won't be there winkety wink and i mean that to me is like hey folks feel free to go crazy but i'm gonna get hit with all the tweets and all the stuff so uh we'll just move on to some other business but uh i would just say let's try to keep it cool out there i hear you hear you yeah well it seems like that vaccine is really uh getting around it's like a like a skank in seventh grade it's all over the country people are really doing it my mom's into it my dad took it uh yeah i hope so i my mother has her second shot today god willing she won't have autism after it and uh i think my uncle's a fireman he's getting it my aunt's a nurse she's getting it my dad's a prostitute

he's gay so i think we're gonna be looking good soon yeah well that explains why your dad doesn't talk i like that i'm nothing worse than a yappy whore there so good for steve but yeah that hair is uh oh there we go okay finally a little body and volume going that thing's limped over like a wet dick yeah i haven't showered aha it's too much up there so it can't support its own weight that's the problem it's falling on itself you know what i watched the other day conan's last tonight show when he gives the speech about cynicism and he says uh one of the great moments in tv he says nobody gets exactly what they want out of life but if you work really hard and your kind amazing things will happen and it's just beautiful and i watched it every once in a

while to just put a little dick in my ass there you go that is nice i gotta rewatch that i forgot all about that that was a big moment that was back when tv was was still tv a little bit it's an amazing moment he's got his whole staff out there he gets choked up and he's like i'm allowed to say whatever i want about mbc and i just want to say i'm so grateful what a moment he could have been like fuck these people they're a bunch of cunts but i didn't and we need a little bit of that we need a little that and that was back when crying on tv was a big deal now every tom dick and anals weeping willows on the cbs and uh we're like so is that a real cry or is this a battle cry is this a cry for help but what do we do it here we jump the shark on crying well it's

kind of like i always feel this way and i want to get back to the stories i'm sorry i'm ruining the episode i hate myself i'll kill myself at some point i promise but they always say patreon put all the patreon people will say you learn a lot from losing and i've always said this since i was a kid you only learn from losing if you win most of the time like if you're just losing all the time you're just learning to be a fucking loser if you win a lot and then you lose then you can get some lessons it's the same this analogy might have holes in it but so does my ass if you're if you're just crying all the conan's never crying he's silly for 20 years so then when he's crying you're like oh my god i'm learning a lesson yes he's been he's been winning and now he's losing as far as

that's how the analogy goes but if you just cry in every three seconds then what the fuck exactly it's like the the comedian who says fuck every other word and then when he says fuck it's got no weight but then when bill cosby says yeah well what if you're an asshole you're like whoa bill cosby why am i sleepy you know but i'm saying he has seen never cursed so when he did it had some boom behind it yeah exactly i feel like i say fuck every word on here but i see your point it's a good point yeah you gotta save it you got it's gotta be a specialty that's like the comedy special i mean literal special there there's they used to be hbo heady murphy oh jesus christ you told all your friends you're pushing each other into the fountain and now it's like oh

sebastian batascale goes on his third special today there you go whip it good i agree i think we agree on all the things and oh god this is a kooky episode all right you must have more i got a couple tiny things but you want to give me a tiny because i got i got a i got a big saga for the ending here oh i love a saga all right i think the haircut might have been one of the things uh two things this one's little am i am i crazy or people does this make you fucking nuts because this is something that makes me want to take a shoe put it on my hand and just pound someone in the face with a shoe hand yes yes people communicate with the meme like they go like this check this out you ever see this look at this and they just show

you a thing and it's like a picture of you know bob newheart and it says if everyone whatever covid is the what what is that i'm like yeah just say a thought to me that's the lowest form of communication uh picture funny picture i got nothing to say i don't know an intro for this that we're not even talking about this thing there's no context it just here's entertainment quick look it's like a little it's like handing someone a cookie yeah don't get me wrong there's some hilarious memes and the internet has some great stuff but yeah just people just elbow you go hey hey look at this and then you're like all right that's great that's clever fuck you email it to me or something anyways that's that thing the the one thing i had i mean i'm i'm hurting for stories

this week here but i drove to boston last week i got some family stuff going on so i drove up there at night thinking this will be great and i'm cruising along i'm like i'm gonna see if i can make the best time i've ever made i'm gonna do this in in 315 i'm going from queens to my mother's house and i'm gonna eat her out and so i go there i'm driving and i'm just flying i call my old friend jack lynch old comic from boston great guy and i'm like i'm gonna talk to him for a while i'm chatting with him traffic stop i just see a sign that says i 95 closed car it says close i'm on the road oh my god i'm on the road and there's a sign that says this road that you're currently on is closed that's hilarious so it's literally a parking lot i just not literally it's figuratively a park

a lot we're all parked i put it in park i'm sitting there talking to him and we talked for 45 minutes and then he just goes so where are you at now and i was like oh i didn't get a chance to say anything i haven't moved since i called you yeah we're sitting there and i felt growth mark i really was zenned out i had this great feeling i've been meditating like a like a fucking douche and i had this thing of like i don't have a show i got nowhere to be and there's nothing i can do there's absolutely nothing i can do so i just sat in there enjoyed the conversation i felt great wow that is nice that is very growth thank you i've i thought you'd appreciate it you're a good friend and then i'm talking to him and we're talking about some life

shit and all of a sudden i got scared there's an 18 wheeler behind me and he starts going like that and i go what the fuck is this i'm wearing gridlock traffic then he starts flashing the high beams and now i'm nervous because yeah i'm a nervous guy and i've saw dual and that movie with steve zahn whatever that movie is called oh yeah back no uh breakdown something like that i know it's pretty that's a kurt russell one too that's pretty good the steve zahn one was fun breaker it was breaker one nine i don't i know what you're talking about it was pretty fun if i remember correctly but anyways so i'm nervous because he's like a faceless enemy it's like a big black thing yes black a minute passes and i just hear

back and then the lights flash again and i'm like i'm freaking out i'm like i'm gonna get killed here this guy's gonna have a tire iron i don't know what's going on yeah then i'm looking i'm like we're in gridlock traffic and then i realize oh maybe nobody's in front of the guy in front of me i roll my window down i put the head out like a golden retriever yeah the guy in front of me put it in park and went to sleep there's like a hundred yards we're still in traffic but there's like a hundred yards of no cars in front of this guy how you couldn't see that no because it's so gridlock and when he first started honking i started moving up because i didn't know what else to do yeah so i was like on his bumper and he was in like a Subaru Forester or something like

that it was a little bit a little higher yeah and all four of my tires are flat that's a whole other story so ah just kidding um so i couldn't see through him and so i realized he's fallen asleep so i had to like austin powers like eight point turn because the truck's on my ass this guy's asleep and so i had to go like through the breakdown lane and get around the guy and i'm honking and the guy's just fully wow REM sleep fucking mouth open and i think he might still be there i have no idea wow that's crazy but it was nice to know i wasn't the asshole and then i drove up the hundred yards sat in traffic for another few minutes and then you know how it is if it's a huge accident obviously they shut down the road but once they open the road no traffic i mean we just we flew flew home

hung with the family watched some football had a nice time and uh that's that wow you see that's crazy because it's another sign of growth as you said hey what the hell's the problem here you didn't just go hey fuck you asshole blow me quit your honking you douche but you actually you know looked around you didn't just and you didn't just make it about you and internalize it and go this guy sucks yeah i felt i felt pretty good and uh yeah i'm growing i'm changing and i'm growing and i'm a grower and shower yeah well i got a growth in my pants and on my neck that i need to get checked out but let me let me run this one by you now this this is i don't know if this is growth but it's definitely uh definitely a quiff so you know shows out in new york now are few and far

between you get up on a show once a week maybe and it's a shit show you're standing on a picnic table given the gettysburg address to four lunch ladies in a hobo but i got a gig at the soho club so you're like well that's some pretty high society a little highfalutin you get a meal you get a cocktail it's blood it's plush seating and a brick wall and need a nice lighting so you're like all right fuck it i'll throw on the leather jacket and head over the soho club so she goes uh since you're doing the so club tonight don't forget next week i got a gig at the ludlow house and i go oh which is the same is the same thing just different neighborhood so i go great i'm locking in some some nice gigs here so i i hide tail over there i'm closing it out so i wait a while

i get there you know you don't want to hang out too much you just want to show up for your spot and leave so i show up kind of at the end and you know there's like some model at the desk and uh you know it's freezing out so i go hey uh comedy show and she's like huh and i'm like oh that's fucking dippy broad don't know anything she's vapid she's all all tits and no brains you know and i'm like you know the comedy show upstairs she goes there's no show here tonight and i go here we go your fat coos look what what floor is it just tell me the floor and she's like there's no show here and i go i swear i swear to god i'm at the show and she goes the show's at the ludlow house and i go oh shit in my mouth and right then first of all i'm embarrassed i'm ashamed

because i was kind of giving her the business a little bit and then you're like man am i slipping like i think this this lockdown indoor shit it's making me it's making me less sharp interesting because i heard you got a lot going on i do i i mean i do a pod in my pajamas right now i do some pull-ups on scaffolding and cook a tv dinner and i call the day well you got a lot going on upstairs i mean you're doing shows you got a podcast there's a social media the people tweeted us they all call us assholes you're bad people you're you know whatever and that's a lot life's a lot you know money you got an apartment you got a car the whole thing i mean we're adults now it's it's traumatic and then obviously we got arrested development we never dealt with

anything ever and so we feel like children but we're adults so it's it's hard all right all right well i feel better so yeah i flip flopped the whole thing in my mind and i had so ho next weekend love love low was tonight so then you get that moment of all right well i screwed up the show is almost over i'm going home you know you know when you get like ah what are you gonna do i fucked up so i text the lady hey i'm at the so ho house and she's like oh geez can you make it and you're kind of hoping she would go out it's too late but i could make it but i'd have to uber so now that's 20 bucks you're gonna make 25 on the gig but hey it's my mistake so um now i'm begrudgingly getting an uber i get in the uber we go to the love low house it's 12 minutes away she's taking me

how close you how close you now i'm putting a guy on the stretch you're like god damn it's all stressful finally i get there i run upstairs i get there i'm covered in sweat there's six people there they're all yelling at andy hains on stage giving him just heckling him it's like a it's like a urban group just really you know chugging booze and giving him the business you know you suck shut up that ain't you you you're full of shit whatever and i'm like ah not only did i you know run here and all that but like this show's gonna stink oh god andy hains by the way is uh first class comic hilarious killer comic great guy handsome well-dressed uh great wife the whole thing so i'm like oh they don't they don't want me to go on so another square white guy's gonna go up and

ruin these nights it's gonna be a fucking uh what do you call that thing uh oh what's that that that website that they uh you could beat up and they put it on the site oh and one no not one um no it's it's uh what is that called uh parlor uh parlor's big now not anymore uh uh what is that day oh hold on i know what it is i'm gonna say it's hot fuzz oh uh no no hot blooded no no i know what it is though it's um why do i know this boy we sound like a couple of crackers it is like an one mixtape yeah it's something like that oh world star yes that's it that's it there it is whoo boy give me the honky award over here good lord uh so i'm like i'm gonna be on world star i'm gonna the n word's gonna slip something's gonna happen so i go on and i go here we go

they bring me up and they're immediately look at me and they go here we go another fucking dweeb and uh so i go on and i just start pelting them with the hardest most offensive jokes i have black jokes cosby joke rape joke age joke and i'm killing oh i'm killing because they didn't see it coming and it was the highlight of my night and uh these guys were fucking fist pumping and howling and uh they're like oh shit like doing the thing where they jump around like they saw a magic trick and man i hugged them all after we got photos it just goes you never know with comedy you never know what you're gonna get into one guy at one point i said a joke and he goes damn this dude got no chill and the place went crazy and uh yeah i mean like i i guess no filter i don't know okay so

boy highlight of my year and i went from regretting uh disappointed bummed out frustrated to like how's this gonna be i'm nervous doubting and it was great it always feels great to do something it always feels better to do the thing than not do the thing that's true but every queef in your bean is saying don't do it but i'm glad i did it that's great i i think it's like there's a science behind it that that thing the uh ecological evolutionary thing your brain from you know 1812 or whatever the fuck is like there's trouble out there so your brain is like stay in when you're safe we're safe here it wants you to stay in the cave because there's t-rexes or whatever the fuck yes but you face the t-rex and the brontosaurus is and they loved you

yeah i mean isn't that every every movie is there's a conflict what if in every movie they went we got a conflict let's go the other way let's stay home let's watch netflix and get out of the covers every movie would suck yes netflix and no chill oh nice fatty so yeah also i think that's why that colloquialism that could be wrong they exist you know the one where they go do something every day that scares you and everybody goes oh i'm supposed to do heroin every day should i jump off a cliff every day and you're like no you got it i think the point is to to go for that thing and mix it up yeah challenge it and i talk about this all the time it's like when i was young living life to the fullest was like i gotta stay out till sun up and drink a hundred beers and kick

someone's windshield in and drive drunk and and fuck a fat lady yes but now living life to the fullest for me is like i'm i sit and i meditate and i have like sex with my wife and pretend i'm black and then we get up and say a prayer and watch a program and then we snuggle and i have a nice conversation with a friend and maybe do a little reading and i'm like i but i'm in it for all of it i'm connected and focused and centered for all the activities even brushing my teeth and that's life to the fullest not black it out on a fucking tuesday and and taking a street sign and putting it in my wife's bed it's good point yeah you're actually avoiding life when you're blacking out and taking a couple of percussets and uh you know going down on a relative it's better when you're

living it in the moment exactly you just described east to sunday but um i'm mad at the i feel like bill burr i'm upset with these people for not liking haynes because he's got some great stuff well i mean haynes is great but you gotta say he's at least i wouldn't say he's high energy or uh he doesn't grab you you know if you listen it's great if you don't listen you're gonna miss it and i think they were just too busy you know hooting and hollering got you well that sounds uh fun i'm doing a show tonight outside shaffi hosane our pal has a show and then i'm doing some shows this weekend and uh i'm rusty i haven't been on stage a little bit i got royersford january 27th everyone come out and uh it's it's we talked about this i'm settling in to like i do a couple

podcasts and i hang out with friends and i'm like shit and spring is coming i got a bunch of dates on the book and i'm like fuck i don't know how to work anymore i stink totally man it's true that that is that shaffi show in williamsburg yeah i think it's uh roasted nugget what the hell is it called uh that one's great i think it's called uh world star i don't know but that's a holly i don't know it just hit me arrogant swine there it is yeah that's a good one you're gonna you're gonna have fun there and a couple tuesdays came out oh great well come on out folks if you're in williamsburg arrogant swine is the name of the bar i guess yeah yeah and i was worried because it's it's right off that l so i was like these guys are gonna hate me and they were they were fun

i think andy hains is on my show that matter of fact all right well again i don't want to make it sound like he's not good he's a killer and i've known i've run two shows with a guy i'm a fan but you know he wasn't oh yeah i don't think that's the impression anyone's okay i'm saying the crowd was it was tough they didn't they didn't like him they would have enjoyed him more if they had uh focused but that the feeling when someone's not doing well and you think you're gonna do bad and then you do great is like the greatest feeling in the world yeah i had to i pulled a i pulled an audible i just said i'm going all the way i'm going for the jugular it seems like the only way these this audience is gonna give a shit the old jug what does a jugular do exactly it's just a

vein what's what's going on there with a good good question a jugular something something in the neck i know that because if they always go go right for the jugular hey and they hit the guy right there right yeah i think it's if you touch it it explodes and something something's up but uh now did you did you have another uh mini thing uh bite size broke no i think that's uh about it i mean i wrote down something but it doesn't even make sense now it just says uh what does it say proud boys for life oh people show me a me oh god my notes are embarrassing i can't even say them out loud all right there's question marks all over the place so so yeah you you bring us home here well i'll try to squeeze it in here but uh this is i guess somewhat of an epic tale i don't want to

build it up it's it's not much of a tale it's just a crazy thing happened and i had to deal with it yeah i think i know where it's gonna go because i think i dealt with it on some level oh really sexual transition i assume uh so got a gig in tempi which you forget i guess we were not traveling as much or at least i forget tempi's far away i'm like i'm doing tempi that's on the other side of the country oh yeah it's very far yeah i just look at tempi whatever but tempi's like almost la or almost san diego but either way so uh get you know you know when you got a flight that day you're all over the place you wake up at seven thirty in the morning your your scatterbrain you're tired you got a half a boner you pop a

propitia you take a whiz you jump out into your uber i'm looking at my phone and i actually had this thought in the car ah you're staring uber this whole ride are you staring your phone this whole uber ride like give it a rest you're about to be on a plane like take it easy i put the phone down i go you're right i look out the window i start having some daydreams it's nice oh we're here thank you sir here you go jump out grab my bag run down get my ticket go through the security and i start putting things in the bin and i realize i don't have my phone in my pocket oh it's in my jacket oh maybe it's not the jacket oh maybe it's uh and you can't even believe it i felt like i feel like the mom on home alone i was like kevin ah you know because it's gone oh it's off

it's been 10 minutes in the uber gone just thinking about it's given me like my butthole has tingles it's horrific i mean it feels like your kid is driving away like on a on a city bus and you're like ah and then everything every instinct is to get on the phone call lift call the customer service call AT&T but that's all on the phone and then so now i'm going up to service reps or what are you delta people i'm going hey uh can i use your phone which is now like saying you know can i fuck your daughter you know because it's like my phone i can't give you my phone you gotta put your face grease on my phone i gotta you gotta put in my credit card i mean it doesn't it doesn't fly but one guy was like all right fine nice enough guy and so he goes why don't you call lift and i go

okay and then lift says what's up and i go my phone is gone they don't let you talk to them it's all automated so i go my phone is gone and they go okay we're gonna send you a code so we know it's you and i go how you gonna send me a code and they're gonna send it to your phone ah and that that's the whole thing it's just a rigmarole of that you know we're gonna send you a code to your phone oh wait we don't have your phone oh what's the name of the driver it's on my phone ah what was the name of his license plate it's on my phone you know it's all on the phone it's brood i mean that's the thing that sucks is we have all this beautiful stuff set up where if i want to look at my finances i look and it sends a laser beam into my eyeballs and then it tells me the last 20 things i've purchased

yes but then if it signs you out you you can't get back in and if you like you said you lose your phone i can't get my money and if i can't get my money i can't buy my double dildo set exactly exactly yeah say bye to the butt plug so you're just like do i get on this flight or do i keep trying to contact the guy ah what do i do and you know it's the last flight out of clark'sville i gotta take it i gotta show that night so i get on the flight without a phone and it just you just feel like you just quit heroin cold turkey you know that's all you do on a phone is look at your phone podcast music headphones it's all over and i just had to be like an amish guy i'm reading the the sky mall i'm like oh an inflatable chess set get the hell out of here you know what i'm reading

the the safety lecture the the lady's giving the safety lecture i'm like oh i'm eating nuts watching it like hey this is pretty good i'm so bored and it was it was a nightmare five and a half hours or whatever on the plane you get off the plane now you gotta get an uber but you can't get an uber because you don't have a phone so you're like what do i do is yeah i got a cab i mean the whole thing was cuckoo but i'm the guy in the business center at the hotel on the on the weird computer and you know you know i'm with next to grandma was printing out her ticket like like it's the 80s i mean it's just great i show up to the club the guy's like we've been texting you all day where the hell you been we've been emailing you we need to know who you're opener i'm like i don't

have a phone they're like jesus i mean it was it was tough man so what did you end up doing because i we were i was emailing you like text which is very weird to email a text i'm like what's up and then just send an email yeah exactly it's very bizarre so what did you end up doing did you buy a new phone did you have them ship it or did you get a coffee can with a string well i got on my got on the computer i did the find your phone thing and then they found the phone and by the way my phone is in an uber so it's like ping found your phone in the Bronx ping found your phone in such a park ping you're in a story of ping long island ping denver ping jersey and i was like jesus we got it with the pings so finally i get to in touch with Lyft

they contact the driver then i have to give lyft uh the the girlfriend's number so then they contact her and the guy bought the phone a couple days later and then i by this time i'm like cold turkey i haven't haven't had a cigarette in three days so i've kind of kicked it and then you get home and you're like you're the girlfriend's like here's the phone you're like oh yeah this block of nothing but the first two days you feel like you're not even on the planet because no one can reach you yeah i remember i was in uh denver i got last august i guess it's hard to know everything pre-covid is like a fucking mush yeah but i was in denver and the same not the same thing happened a completely different thing happened but my my phone just completely died didn't couldn't resurrect

it plugged it in the whole thing just zero phone and it was a similar feeling of like i don't know what's going on those texts that i got in that time or lost forever yeah but after a while you're kind of like this is pretty nice because you don't have even the option because i'm always trying to quit my phone and stay up my phone i'm reading books and listening to pocket doing the whole thing or trying to quit or break up with your phone as this book but yeah you don't have it it's a lot easier because you're like oh it's not even an option to right pick it up right right that's i mean if you're gonna quit that's the way to do it is just get rid of it that whole putting it across the room that's bullshit and yeah i just it's a punch in the face realizing

like i look at this thing before i go to bed i look at it when i wake up it's my alarm it's my news it's my how many steps have i walked what podcast is out today i gotta put my notes in here let me check my email let me check the weather i let me check the delta app to see where my flight is it's all right there which is so convenient but if you lose it you're fucked yeah it's what was that noise just then was that that was a buzzer oh okay it sounded like a backhoe that's my rap name um but you got the phone back now and it was nice to uh get a text oh yes that's scary do you have to get the buzzer no no she's on it's a it's a package i assume oh okay um but yeah it was nice to get that text on sunday and i was like this whoo he's back yeah even even a friend losing

their phone is traumatic because the whole time i'm like what's mark gonna do he's like i have a phone what if i have to email and when this is crazy and so and then you just went back respond and i was like okay great we're back the little guy's safe at the end of the line exactly so we're back and uh uh we gotta wrap this up but i'm in uh i'm in okc this weekend at bricktown comedy club in oklahoma uh next weekend so come on out to that hell yeah i'm uh i got some stuff january 27th royersford get your tickets uh i don't know what's going on or who's gonna be there but it should be fun and then february 11th through the 14th key west comedy i'm back at key west i don't know if anyone's around or in florida make that trip down there that's going

to be fun i can't wait and then uh march i think things are going to be cooking so uh we'll see about that when it happens and um i'm doing the show with ron on it's fun joan ron on talk movies and it's it's doing better than uh i expected take it easier on ron on for god's sake these people i feel for i'm like deleting comments left and right because this guy's gonna kill himself if he sees any of them well that's the that's the price you pay when you're gonna fuck the devil in the ass you're gonna get a uh you know satan's herpes you can't just run your mouth like that not get only blowback there ronnie i mean my god but you'd think he's you know saying i don't know what i don't even want to say an example because people get mad about that but but it's a it's a fun show

it's on youtube subscribe to my youtube the audio is also on the patreon as mentioned if you don't want to look at our dumb faces and um what was i gonna say yeah go subscribe to my youtube i'm trying to build it up put some stuff on there because i assume we're all gonna get canceled at some point so trying to get those youtube numbers up and uh yeah try to you know take care of each other and maybe take a little break from social media or you know i don't know i don't want to try to fucking save the world here but something's gonna be done this is uh hey it's on them it's on them don't don't even they want to help themselves they can do it it's not your job to help them and they can all blow each other and you look you got one life to live you want to get on social media

do it but it is it is a harmful thing and that's that's up to you if you want to try to fix it yeah and maybe just consider that uh you know this fucking game show hosts fucking uh swindler might be lying maybe he's making some stuff up just consider it consider it there you go and uh i'm at soul joels in february again and uh stress factory we're gonna do a one nighter so that'll be fun keep uh keep a lookout for that and all kinds of new dates right good nights in raleigh i'm at the funny bone in ohio somewhere since an addy one of those columbus so yeah keep keep your eyes peeled what do you got there fatty i already did it we already went through we're wacky i got three dates and uh two of them are my wife and one's a guy i met on you know reddit

all right well hey i want to hear about that on the pod and uh yeah yeah be nice uh comb your hair and uh yeah i guess that'll do it i'm trying i thought i had something else but i guess that's that's that fatty do i suck you hate me i threw everything off this episode stinks i'm horrible i'll kill myself i'll shave my head i'm gay