Tuesdays with Stories! - #576 Blew Montana

Episode Date: October 22, 2024

The move is here baby! This is THE last day in Joe's apartment in Astoria, and Jojo is losin' it!!! We're talking Toronto, we're talking Matt Wayne, we're talking Kerryn Feehan, and we're talking... a cowgirl disco costume party? It's Tuesdays!! Our Stuff:  - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list   - Fuel your best performance with Huel today! Try Huel with 15% OFF today using code TUESDAYS at https://my.huel.com/tuesdays  - Support the show and try your first month of BlueChew for free. Just pay $5 shipping. Use promo code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com  - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays and get on your way to being your best self. - For 10% off your order & FREE Shipping by using code TUESDAYS  at https://www.JackBlack.com/TUESDAYS

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Merchants Bank is a proud member FDIC. ... Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah!

It's Tuesdays with stories everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what I want to say We're back now! Where the hell are we? I don't know, you flipped and flopped, what's this about?

I didn't flip or flop, my wife flipped and I flipped her right in the rear No, they had, I don't know, Lex was there, Lady Journey had some ads But they didn't want the ads to be something, so they flipped the couch. Wow. But I also, as a filmmaker, I happen to know you want a little depth. Is that right? I don't know, Lex told me that five minutes ago. Ah, Johnny Depp. You want a little depth, so it gives some, you know, field of depth.

Ah, yes. What is that called? Field of Streams? Field of Dreams. Dreams. Great film, 1989. Phil Alden Robinson. If you move it they will come on it. Oh believe me. Is that a tick? A tack? What's it called? A tick. Tick tack. Pattywhack give a dog a bone. Toe. Oh don't get that. Ari got bit by, we went to Montauk for the weekend, he got bit by so many ticks he couldn't eat red meat for a month. True story. Ticks they'll fuck you up. They got Lyme disease. Why can't eat red meat for a month. True story. Ticks they'll fuck you up they

get Lyme disease. Why can't he eat meat? It's part of something that does to your body you can't have meat for a month. Oh wow. So you have to abstain. If I couldn't eat meat for a month I would have to eat cum. Yeah well that kind of is meat. No it's not. It's dick meat. It's no it's ball meat. It's juice from meat. Well, it's in that way they call that coconut meat. The white shit. Oh, yeah. They call it meat. That's the meat of the coconut. The meat of the coconut. The cubs, not the meat of the human. The human is the meat. What is it, the batter? Good to meet you. It's the batter. Alright, batter up. Hey, batter, batter. Hey, about a bit of a sweetening batter. I told you I came in the girl's eyes, drove to the airport she couldn't see.

Classic. Classic story. Anyways, testimonial. Yes, that was the word. I got five messages just now. I mean I have over 100 messages. By the way, this is going to come out nine weeks later. They're going to hate us. But is that right? Is that the word? Testimonial. Yeah, testimonials. Are you coming to this thing? I'll be there with bells on and the lady. I still don't believe you. So it's two and a half with the pregnant whore. Oh yeah well when I see it. Now Sam's coming. It's a star-studded event. Louis CK, Sam Marill, you possibly, May I imagine will be there. She's excited. Really? What is it that excites her? Does she know Tommy? She loved 4th of July. She loves Tom. Wow.

I think it's the mass connection. And she likes that you made a movie and she likes something to do. Alright, well and there's candy. What? It's a movie theater. Oh my god, I forgot I was in a theater. Yeah, popcorn, M&Ms, the whole... I thought this was going to project on a building in an alley. Well, that's what Sam said

He's like what what place is it Adam like the movies baby? Village over his name's gonna be in lights Wow Tom Dustin Right up there. There it is. And I'm excited. Who else is coming Matt Wayne Matt Salak you share the shooter Who by the way, I saw Siobhan last night. He was like, hey Matt Wayne, Matt Salacuse. Sure, the shooter. By the way, I saw Chavone last night. He was like, hey, what is this about Salacuse blowing out candles at the wedding? Oh no!

He got the word later. The venue reached out and they were like, some asshole in a Hawaiian shirt and a windbreaker was blowing out our candles. There was a homeless guy re-arranging furniture at the wedding. Right, so yeah, he's in deep trouble. He's never getting invited to another wedding. No, not with that outfit. No, and

Ron Jeremy. Who else is coming? I think any blacks? Damien Lemon. Okay, okay. Lemon, lime, disease. Thank God, that was a tough one. Damien Lemon. I can put on a little makeup if you need. Absolutely, but sure, I'm sure some of the fans are black. A lot of black people love documentaries about white unknown comedians, I think. That's true. Don't you think? It's a big genre with the Afro-American-y. Best doc of all time, Hoop Dreams. Is that right? You think best? Well, my favorite, of course, is King of Kong, Fistful of Quarters. Oh that's a classic. Just about the best movie ever made. That was one of those that document is where you're like this must be written. It's too good it's too real or it's too perfect as a story. The arc and the villain. The villains amazing.

It's just perfectly funny the music it's a perfect, perfect film. And I hope to someday see a film as good as that one. Well, we'll see one on Thursday. Woo! Yeah, it's going to be awesome. I can't wait. And all you gays packed it out, sold out to the rafters. Is it? People. Yeah, it's sold out.

I'll tell you what's not sold out. Town Hall. Your tickets are still available to Town Hall. There you go. If you and about 700 of your friends wanna go get some tickets and we'll still have space. So get on it. There you go.

Town Hall. November 9th. Saw Louis CK there in 09. Bought and paid for, sat in the nosebleed and laughed like a hyena on heroin. Wow, I just got off the phone with old Seek and we might be doing some shows in a place near you whoa Yeah, who's opening?

Probably him. He doesn't really have an act just yet. That's true. I've seen it. Remember he featured for me. Isn't that crazy wild? I love that line. That was a good line Side splitters yeah did the whole weekend Wow Thursday through Sunday six shows He was middling for me now. What does Louie do during the day? Do you hang out with him? Do you go to the mall? Do you guys go laser tag shooting range bat and cage? Well, I think left to his own devices. He does very little I think he likes to really sit in the room and write and read and he reads like eight books. He's a very Well read fella. Yes. Yes. He's read all over. Yeah, but I'll get him going. I'm like, let's go to the beach

Let's go to the museum. Let's kiss on the lips. Let's watch a film. Let's watch a game. Sure Yeah, he'll get after it. All right. All right, tough guy to read. What do you what am I doing wrong with reading? I sit on the couch. I open the book and I go ah fuck this Well, I think your brains a little little mushy. We're all mushy. I read a good amount, but it's still like, it's tough sledding because I'm reading and like, but the third word, I'm like, what's that word mean exactly? Let me look it up and I'm like Costanza. I know. It's very difficult. The ball's just sitting there and I can't hit it. Well, I feel like a flight I can do because I can't go anywhere anyway, so I'm like,

all right, I got no Wi-Fi, I'm going to sit here and read this book, and it helps a little. But if I'm at home, I got the phone, the laptop, the wife's vagina, I've got food, I've got a soda water. Well, we had this conversation years ago, I think it was in your old apartment episode, the old, old apartment, and this is my question, this is my therapy question to you, why do you feel you need to be a reader? You could be a guy that doesn't read, you listen to a lot of podcasts, I do, and you watch a lot of YouTube, I do, you're taking in a lot of entertainment and information, yeah I

guess you're right, so you don't have to be a read-y guy. Well every YouTube channel I watch where they go, what does every billionaire have in common? What does every entrepreneur have in common? Blah, blah. They all read. A lot of reading. I guess.

I mean, I don't know. I can't imagine. I mean, Trump certainly was not a reader. Well, I don't want to be Trump. Well, he's a billionaire. Oh, is he? That's what he says. I don't know.

Oh, all right. I think he's a billionaire. I thought he lost a lot of money with colleges and he opened a steakhouse and a casino and a Stormy Daniels. Yeah, I think he opened a lot of things, but I think he was a billionaire. What's it say?

Four billion, there you go. Yeah, I mean, he's selling, what was he selling recently? It just came out. Watches, like $10,000 watches. Yeah. He did the shoes. Yeah, he's a man of the people. He's like $10,000 watches. Yeah, he did the shoes. Yeah Yeah, he's a man of the people I got $10,000 watches. Well, I think he sold Bibles for 10 minutes

Yeah, I think that's happening to Bible. So I pull all the pages are sticky good guy entrepreneur But we talked about this too. We're entrepreneurs. I guess so. Yeah, I think so remember we looked it up Wasn't that on this podcast? I can't remember anything anymore Looks like when people go you're your own business. You're a business. You're like, whoa, I'm a business. I know it's crazy I'm your business and sometimes people I'll be like I suck at running the business No, people like yeah, you suck at the business But then I'm like well, I'm doing better than like 99% of the people that ever even try this. They kill you You half sold town hall. Yeah half, what are you crazy?

Ah, shit, I was trying to be generous. We'll get to half. I think half will be the number. You got two months. No, I don't. Month and a half. Less than that. It's a month from today.

By the time this comes out, we got 10 days. We're fucked. But I haven't asked my favors yet. I haven't gone in, I'll hit up Shane and the other guy. We'll tweet, yes. We'll post, we'll share. Yeah, I think so. And I'm supposed to do Ari's podcast.

It'll be great. It'll be fine. Well that's the problem with these big... I talked about this last night at Grove 34, my last show and a story before moving. These agents, they go, congratulations, you're doing town hall! And they spray champagne on you, they come on your back, and and they high-five you and I'm like but we've sold zero tickets right anyone could just book it that's a good book Madison Square Garden then throw a party that I'm doing well yeah I'll sell 800 tickets and we have

17,200 empty tickets you're 100% right I would say the people go do that with everything they go I'm doing an hour and you're like but you're bad right you have 20 minutes of material, if that. Don't do it now. But they want the hoopla. They want the fanfare. The fanfare, the publicity. I remember seeing a comic years ago,

and his intro was, just wrote a script. That was like, what are you up to saying? I was telling him I just wrote a script. And I'm like, well, let's see the script. Yes. I could write you a script in 10 minutes. Exactly. Scriptural what?

The scriptures. Scriptural. What is a scripture? That's just like something Moses wrote down? It's Trump's what? The scriptures. A scripture. What is a scripture? That's just like something Moses wrote down? It's Trump's Bible. The Apostle. I think it's like a story. The scriptures or is it quotes? Have they scripted it?

I guess so. Or is it cursive? Is it like a... Do they do it on like final draft? What's a scripture? Lex looked it up. The sacred writings of Christianity contained in looked it up. Oh okay. So the Christianity writings contained in the Bible. What's a psalm? Psalm that's like a that's like

p-s-l-a-m. Yeah. Psalm Springs. Psalm Pilate., I think, is like a haiku. Oh. I believe. I think it's like, Lord cometh and came on my back and then he kissed my mother. Right. Psalm 48. He put in my cane and anal. Psalm 41.

Ah, good band. Oh, they suck. What's a Psalm there, Lexarou? It was a song. I got more rhymes. What's the Psalm there, Lexarou? A sacred song or hymn in particular? It was a song. I got more rhymes and the Bible's got Psalms. Just like the Prodigal Son I've returned.

A book of the Bible comprising of the questions of the person sung or recited in both Jewish or Christian language? Okay. Who told you to put the Psalm on? I didn't tell you to put the Psalm on? I didn't tell you to put the Psalm on. Well, speaking of Psalm 41, Psalm 41, he was banging Avril Lavigne who got lime poisoning and had to quit the business. Lime poison? Lime disease, sorry. Oh, I was thinking like a green lime, like she drank an old Corona that had been sitting

out. No, no. Coronavirus. Oh yeah. Well, she got lime disease and she had to quit because it fries your brains and your rods and cones are mushy. Yeah, Lyme is fucked up. Andy Hendrickson had it.

I know he was whacked out. Oh really? Yeah, that was years ago. I think he's still a little screwy. I haven't seen him since. Oh yeah, he must be off the map. Pull up Lyme disease. It's no joke, Avril Lavigne.

Give it a go. Lyme's fucked up. We can't just keep having all these readings going. Sorry. We've got more readings than the Bible's got Psalms. That's true. Scripture. Where have you been? What have you been up to? I got a couple things. You got a couple things. I got some fun. Now this is when travel gets good. When you can really beat the system and you're... what do you got on Everleveed?

Bacterial infection spread by ticks that cause several mental and emotional... Bacterial infection? Wow. There you go. Limes. Lime disease. There's no lime or reason to it. Yeah. Folks. So, got a gig in London, Ontario.

What do you know about old London-aunt? I don't know too much about London, Ontario. I hear like it's a tour stop for a lot of bands. They'll be like, we're in London, Ontario. It's in the shadow of Toronto, I guess. That's what it is. Because it's a lot smaller and what's on the lake maybe? It's right above Detroit. Okay. So it's something with a lake, Lake Bell, Lake Lively. But Great Crowd did a high school auditorium. They'll just put you anywhere because it's such a sleepy town. I don't know if they had a theater anymore. So I'm in some high school, college ballroom,

killer crowd, had a blast. I got Sean Murphy opening. You got to connect to get there. And then Sean goes, don't get a hotel in London. I'm gonna get my mom's car from Buffalo, drive it over there. Then we'll do the gig. We'll drive straight to Toronto and sleep there.

How far is Toronto? Two hours. Okay, not bad. And then we get to Toronto, big lights, big city, we go to Comedy Bar, which is the club there. Right. Hop on the Late Show. Wait, you did your show and made it to the Late Show

for Comedy Bar? Seven o'clock show in London town, old foggy London, drove to Toronto, got there by 11.45. Wow. Did the late show, packed out, got a few like, oh, there's that guy, you know. No kidding. And then, yeah, then went to bed, woke up, in Toronto, in the city, loving it, and then did two shows at the Meridian Hall.

I don't know Meridian Hall. Is that like a theater? Big theater, fun times. Wow. God damn, that's exciting. It was fun, it's fun getting out, you know, you don't have to do more multiple flights and I love it out, you know, people like at the show going, hey we should get drinks, like ah, we're driving Toronto. Right. Don't you love it out? That's what a baby is, a baby's all out all the time. We're outed. There's nothing better than the baby for the out. Love the out.

Because you can be ambiguous. Well, the baby's, you know, I got the baby. Oh yeah. That the baby's coming in town, the baby's got a tooth, the baby's teething, the baby's sick, the baby's got a rash, the baby's got an infection, the baby's got a boner, anything.

And no one can push back on baby. Right. There's no baby push. You can't go, fuck the baby, throw it in the dumpster, let's hit the bar. Right. And people with babies, they're even more accepting. They go, oh, I know that. I remember those days.

I don't miss those days. Blah, blah, blah. Right. The people without the baby, they don't know. They're clueless. They go, I guess. I don't know. Yeah.

I guess the baby, shit. If he's got a shit on his pants, you can't do my show. Right, right. So it's really a perfect excuse. Perfect. There's the haves empathize, the have nots go, I can't even imagine. Right.

It's perfect. That's gold. Yeah. COVID was pretty big too, but this is better. This is way better, because there's no baby deniers. There's no one that's like, nah, no, babies aren't real. There probably is, actually. Well, a condom is like the mask.

You try not to get a baby. Good point. They never had condoms required. You can't get on the subway without a condom on. Hey, if you come into this restaurant, you got to wear a condom, then take it off at the table, then fuck the sandwich, then put the condom back on. Right, exactly.

Which, by the way, we've talked about it I think, but Colin Quinn had the best joke about it, because everyone had a joke about that. Yeah. And Colin had the best, where you have to wear the mask and then take it off. He's like, it's kind of like the suit in court. Guys like a rapist and a murderer,

he's like, he's got the suit. That's great. How funny is that? I've never heard that take. It is so funny, the idea that like OJ Simpson, he stabbed his wife's head off, he cut another guy's head off, but he's in there with a suit. We're all like, okay, yes. Yes, so true Oh fucking funny

I mean I went to court a billion times for traffic tickets or DUI whatever as a as a teen and you'd see like eight black Guys in basketball shorts outside putting slacks on you know They'd be doing the tie and then they go in there because if you didn't wear a suit you lost the kid It was over the the judge Joe Brown be like what the fuck is this guy doing in here? I remember doing it and I got pulled over for like a suspended light not a suspended license an expired License yeah, and that was like a thing and I had to drive out to court happened in Western Mass and I'd like put on a tie and a suit and Everybody was dressed

Not as well. And I felt like a jacket. I felt like they were gonna tune me up in the back and be like, crack her ass, crack her, fuck you. But it was then I was like shaking like, I didn't, forgot to get my paperwork. And they were like, sir, the suit was, it was my father's suit, the sleeves were too long.

The tie was, I look like Andrew Baskin in Big. Oh yeah, when he turns back. Yeah, exactly. So, by the way, she fucked like a 12 year old in that movie. Oh, big time, many times. Yeah, nobody cared, nobody better than I. No, that was totally acceptable. And then Overboard, forget about it.

What's Overboard? Overboard's Kurt Russell Goldie Haan, she has amnesia and he's like, yeah, you're my wife, bitch. And then he just fucks her for months. Wow. And makes her raise his kids. It's a rom-com. Wow, I gotta watch this. And then he just fucks her for months. Wow. And makes her raise his kids. It's a rom-com.

I got to watch this. And then they remade it with the genders flipped, like last year. Who's in it? I don't think anybody. But that's a hell of a picture. Wow, what a premise. That's what bonded Matt Wayne and I originally,

because we both had like an encyclopedic knowledge of overboard, which is such a deep cut. She's an underrated good looking lady. Oh, she's awesome. I love her there. I think she's hotter than her daughter. Everybody's like, oh, Kate Hudson's very attractive. And she is, but Goldie's got a look.

She's got the big wacky eyes and the cra- her mouth is like a fucking soup cooler. I mean, I love Goldie, I'm a big Goldie guy, but the fact that the idea that she's out of and fucking Hudson is great. I go I go Goldie That's worse than my soprano's take people are upset about the surprise. That should be reddit thread podcast dedicated fucking Goldie Han hotter than Kate Hudson No mom is hotter than the daughter Han Solo. What are you kidding me? Oh

Susan Sarandon's hotter than her daughter. I've never seen the daughter. She looks like Lex I'm into Lex. That's pretty Lex being Let me pull up Kate Hudson and Goldie Han same age Goldie's hot same age Kate Hudson is a fucking smoke very pretty, but she's so traditional. I've seen it before. Goldie's interesting looking. She looks like a big mouth bass. Well she's hilarious but she's a little wackadoodle

and Kate Hudson can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan. Sure, sure. Very, very pretty. How to lose a guy in 10 minutes or whatever. That was fun. Almost famous which is a Masterpiece look how cute let me see Goldie. Well, that's a little too young. What'd you find an 11 year old Goldie? Let me see the eyeball on solo. Can you post this photo in there? I mean no, come on She looks 11. Her eyeballs are wacky. I like a big ol round eye. Yeah, she's hot super hot Oh, look at that

That's pretty next tab and she got breast implants later in life. Oh look at this come on get the fuck out of that Not even her that's Blake Lively. That's Kate Hudson. That's not her. That's Kate Hudson. Can we get a shot of this? Yeah, yeah, she's all right. Well. She's perfect. She's very attractive You're very talented. Let's leave it at that. All right I'll give Goldie the silvery. Goldie Ha. Kurt Russell's hotter than Goldie Ha. Kurt Russell's a hunk. He is something else that guy. Woo wee. Kurt's so good. Yeah, he's a him and the thing. What a man. What a film. Hey gang, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. It is scary to face your fears, but it's even scarier not to.

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But yeah, Toronto was killer. Gotta give a shout out. I got the most nice messages I've ever gotten after a show from Toronto. You know, you just have one of those hot shows, it just works, everything clicks into place. Because you get the London, Ontario set in on Friday, and then on Saturday, I feel like I'm ready.

Right. That was almost, not to shit on London, but that was the warmup. Right, it's weird to have, isn't it so strange that we have like, London's one of the great cities in all of America, the American world that is. London, you gotta make it London Calling, London Bridges, and then there's just a lesser London.

I had brought this up, I said you're the Paris, Texas of Canada. Yes, good point. You got brought this up, I said you're the Paris, Texas of Canada. Yes, good point. You got this big name and they have fish and chips everywhere and London flags. But I'm like, you're just a copy. You're a shittier version. Well that's kind of like, I think Colin had a joke about this too, like in Connecticut there's a shitty city called New London. Right. Like we have New York. This is the New York.

Yes. Then we have New London. And I think he said like New York should be New London. Ah. This is the New York. Yes. Then we have New London and I think he said like New York should be New London. Ah. This is the New London. That's a great point. Because London was already a birthing, virgin city. We left there to open this up. Yeah, New London. But we called it New Amsterdam which doesn't really make sense. Yeah, I think it was Dutch. People came. Yes. Or Dutch. Fuck is a Dutch word. Is that right? Fuck, Stoop, Brooklyn, Bronx. How about that? All Dutch. No kidding. Uh wait hold on I want to uh I feel like New York though is the Terminator 2. To York. We're better. York I've been to York. It's boring. Right. It's a sleepy, gay, foggy, faggy town.

New York is like center of the universe. Right. It's gotta be gayer than first York though. Well that's true. We're getting pretty gay. This is as gay as it gets. Well they got castles and... True. ...homos. Yeah, we got...

We got castles and hobos. We got hobos, homos. I'm scared to leave. This is the last day in Astoria. This is it Wow 17 years Wow It's mama seat crazy. I did Grove 34 last night and I'm walking over there going I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I could see that I'm 11 minutes from the airport I've never been nervous walking around Astoria one time ever although there was that guy that was running around punching people a year ago, two years ago on a scooter. And one time Chuck was walking around, that was scary. Yeah, that was bad news.

But I mean, I walked to a comedy club, Grove 34, my favorite club, they gave me all the money, they're packing out. Great room. And I walk home, it's like a small town out here, I have a backyard, I have this beautiful basement podcast studio for next to nothing. It takes me nine minutes to get to one airport 11 minutes get to the other airport 9-eleven and I'm going to the 9-eleven Memorial whoa right as the Middle East explodes into World War 3 I'm like I'm gonna go down to ground zero with my baby move there I love it bring it on

it's terrifying and there's real hobos, and the financial district, there's crazies down there, there's cocaine. Yeah, but you're leveling out. You got some perks here. You got the room. You got the neighborhood, you got the airport. I'll give you that.

But just the gym, the pool, the island of Manhattan, Jerry, you made it. Talk to a guy who's lived there for 80 years. It is something when you walk out your door, you're like, I'm already here. But you're moving out. I know. You're like, I gotta get outta here.

Well, I feel like I'm beating the system because I live in New York, but I have a backyard and a bunch of space. Right. So you get the best of both because I'm still in Brooklyn. So there's still trees and cars and people and shops and restaurants and bars, but. And hipsters

and wokes. Yeah, yeah, but there's no hobo, there's less. No hobo in Brooklyn? What? Well in my area it's pretty nice. Okay. But I'm still in the city, I'm 21 minutes from the cellar I clocked it. 21. On the sea. Ooh. But you know, people always shave. They're like, hey, door to door, I can get from here to Beirut in 17 minutes. Oh, I told you, I had a guy trying to get me

to move to his town, and I go Google Map it right now. Yes. And he's like, it's 42 minutes, and I happen to know his address off the top of my head. I looked it up, it was like 69 minutes. Of course, of course. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. But yeah, but the other thing is,

back to back hurricanes, I live 35 inches from the water. If there's a flood, I'm gone. Oh, that's true. Well, I'm on the third floor, I'll have to escape. Well, we haven't had any crazy flooding in America recently. No, I don't think so, we'll be fine. Helene, godspeed.

This other one, by the way, what's the new one? Oh yeah, there's one going to Florida. What's that one called? I think it's called Dexter, Betty, Bobby? No I got it, it's Milton. Milton. Milton. Yeah Milton Bradley. Not a very threatening name. Oh no Milton! He's coming at me. Uncle Melty, well he's got that huge cock. That's true. That's Florida. Florida is a huge cock. Right, that's what I'm saying. Cock on cock crime. Anyways, I'm excited for the move. Big move. Oh God, we're downsizing.

Did I fuck up? No, you're leveling up. You're losing some but gaining a lot. It's bending a lot more. That's true. Near my knees. There you go, knees, pace. Grass, a lot of grass.

Grass is big. Playground. Although I'll tell you, grass a lot of grass grass is big playground Although I'd say on a beautiful day like this. I walked around your hood on a phone call for about half an hour. It is Very peaceful spectacular over here. It's like I'm in a small town I know the trees is less trees in Manhattan also and mosquitoes also The other thing is my Starbucks the most costly is, I'm so in at my bucks. They give me free drinks, I get free pie. You get buybacks. Every day, not even, every day they all hook me up.

They love me over there. You should see, we'll walk over there after this. I'm like the mayor over there. You can build a rapport in the island. I know, but these are like Manhattan people. They're snobby, they're cunty. They're like, who's this guy? And I'm the only non-broker over there.

It's all finance assholes. Yeah, you gotta stand out. Which is how dumb I am. I'm a fucking moron. So we had to pay first, last rent to get in, which was like $48,000. I send the guy the money, here you go, here's all my money, enjoy it.

Four days later, he's like, okay, so you're moving in on the 11th, so you're only going to be in the apartment for whatever, 22 days or whatever the fuck the math is, whatever. I can't do the math off the top of my head. So that should be preferated rate or pro rated. So for November, just pay 2,800, whatever the number is. But I was like, November, we're there the whole month. Yeah. Why would we pay less? And so I'm a fucking jackass and I'm like,

hey, I'm happy to pay less, but I think you're shooting yourself here in the foot, you fucking big asshole idiot. You came clean on him. Because you're telling me November, I'm paying a discounted rate of $4,000, but whatever it is, $3,200. But we're there the whole month. I mean, are you kicking us out?

Am I crazy? And he's like, no, you already paid the first month full price. You already paid for October. Oh, but you're not there all of October. Yes, so he's like, that's right, November you pay the discount to make up for already paying full price in October. I didn so he's like that's right November you pay the discount to make up for

already paying full price in October. I didn't get it either. He's like also you didn't owe us rent till November 1st you just paid us in October 5th. He's like which is fine. Yeah. So I'm two months ahead of rent and I'm such a moron come November 1st I'm gonna go well rent's due. Right. I'm gonna send him the rent again. And he's gonna go thank you I'll see you later. But he was like this will be fun having a non-fucking finance guy. Yes. But he must be like, these people are retarded. Yeah, wow.

I look like a fucking moron. But at least he knows you're honest. Because you came clean on the rent, like hey, I think you're screwing yourself here, and he's like, no, no, and then he's honest too. So I think we got a good pair. You're not some fucking chiseler Wall Street cunt. That's a good point, I'm honest and early.

Honest and early Joe, that's me sexually. Honest and early. I go, hey,. I'm honest and early. Yes. That's me sexually. Honest and early. I go hey I like you and I think you're nice even though you're a fat shit and then I come 30 seconds in. I'm three inches and I'm finishing in two minutes. Boom. Anyway so Toronto ruled. Toronto what a great city we had so much fun we lived it up and then you get to fly back for 44 minutes and you're home free. I love that. I was customs or whatever it's called. Not bad, but I had to change all my flights because back in the day I fly out of Newark. Being a West Side Queef. Right.

So now I'm on the Brooklyn side, so I had to go, hey, Dickless, can you move me to LaGuardia or JFK? And he's like, I can't find anything, it's too late, this flight's $8 million. So I had to just go back. And the Newark to Brooklyn is a cum guzzler. Well, you got the bridge though the

You know Tarzano Tarzano even think about that you got outer bridge you get all those things the GP anal said go Holland tunnel Through Canal Street and then the Manhattan Bridge Holland Tunnel, through Canal Street, and then the Manhattan Bridge. Oh, okay, yeah, that works too. That's a lot of ground to cover. Absolutely. But yeah, great gigs, and this weekend I'm in California.

Where at? Monterey. I've heard great things. I think it's like a wealthy suburb of San Fran, which is crazy to think. San Fran's the most expensive city. Right. And this is a wealthy version of that outside like Sausalito yes good word spaghetti Sausalito yes so then I'm going to Oakland Oakland and SAC town the Bay

area and back down oh yeah I don't think anyone has any money there Oakland no there's got to be some money it's's right in the bay. Ah, the gay area. Yeah, all the sports teams left abruptly. See? Everybody, the whole town. Only In-N-Out to ever shut down is in Oakland. No kidding. Yeah, they got out. Wow.

No in. Well, they just lost every sport. Like, three sports teams were like, we're out, we're out, we're out. Damn, were they the Raiders? Raiders left the Warriors in the NBA. Warriors! They flew the coupe. Wait, where are they?

I thought they were Golden State. They are, they were in Oakland, now they're in San Francisco. Ooh, that hurts. And then the Athletics, who have been there since 1967 or some shit, they're off to Vegas. Whoa, the Oakland A's? Oakland A's are done, no more.

Oh my God. Forget about it. A minus, Vegas is getting everything. They got the Raiders. They got the Raiders, they got the A's, and then they got the Knights. Holy hell, what were the Knights? Knights for the expansion team.

Knights of Columbus. Golden Knights, which is a fun name for a hockey team. Golden Knights? Yeah, it's a pun. Ah. Because it's Knights, like they're like, fucking knights with the helmet, ah! It's like, hey, the golden knights of Las Vegas.

Yes, yes. Although they're just the Vegas, they dropped the loss. Ah. Vegas Knights, I think they didn't want to have loss in there. Lossinger. How about that shooting? That was really something else.

Oh, the country singer? Yeah, that was like the craziest one. Guy in a hotel, top floor. Mandalay Bay. Yeah, that was like the craziest one kind of hotel top floor Mandalay Bay. Yeah, Monterey. That's right. Hey Monterey gay. Ah Well boy the Bay Area, but yeah, that was a crazy shooting. Well the other one I think we had one recently Georgia. No one can they all come and go well now. I'm just so busy I can't take it all in. There's a shooting, all right sure, I don't know. The dime a dozen. Well it's copycats they

say. Columbine showed up then another guy went I could do that. It's like the four-minute mile. Which by the way there was a Roger Bannerster. There's a guy who shot up a school in Portland, Oregon, like a year or two before... Columbine? Columbine. Nobody ever talks about it. It's like the most unsung shooting of all time. Portland, eh? Yeah, big school shooting.

Monas told me about it. I had to look it up. It was a big killer shooting. Portland, look, a Portland high school shooting. I think it was like 96, 97, 98 somewhere, and nobody knows about it. I had no idea. But Columbine really hit the... Yeah, it's like trench coat mafia.

That was big. Columbine, yeah. What do you got in Portland there, Fatty? Springfield, Oregon. Maybe it wasn't Portland, it was Oregon though. It's all the same. 98. Yes, the year before.

Columbine was 99. Yeah, April 15th. Kipline, Kinkle, Open Fire. Ki. Yes, the year before. Columbine was 99. Yeah. April 15th. Kiplen Kinkle. Jesus, no wonder he's angry. That's a name. That sounds like the boss's name in an 80s sitcom. Kiplen Kinkle. Like the Jetsons rival. Right. Kiplen Kinkle. Killed 20, two people, but killed about hit 25 others.

So he went in, shot his parents, walked in, killed two kids and shot 25 others the year before. No one's ever even heard of this fucking thing. He's a trailblazer. Boom. Because he got suspended, he got expelled after school found out that he was hiding a stolen handgun in his locker. Wow. That's what did it? He had a handgun, they expelled him and he came back. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before.

He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. He killed his parents before. after the school found out that he was hiding a stolen handgun in his locker. Wow. That's what did it? So he had a handgun, they expelled him, and he came back.

Killed his parents, came back and shot him. His parents must have abused him. I think if you shoot your parents, they probably put the finger in your ass or something. Menendez. Yeah. Yeah. How come they're not out of prison?

They tasted their dad's jizz over and over enough to kill the guy. I feel like, yeah, they've done their time I'm sure they'll Look into that case at some point. Well, there's a quite a big Netflix show about it. That's doing very well I'll have to check it out. It's dark. I Saw that Oh Kim K's on it. Okay Let me tell you a couple of tales. I got a couple of heads of tails Yeah, chipping tales. Well, first of all, I gotta a couple of tales over here. Please, please. You're heads of tales. Yeah, chippin' tales.

Well, first of all, I gotta give a hot shout out to one of the great, great American cities, Phil Adelphia. Oh! Pennslyvania. Brotherly anal. What a town. We love it.

We've been blowin' Philadelphia for 40 years over here. Big fan of the Philly. That's our town. I got sober there. I met my parents there. Wow. You know, my grandmother blew me there. Little Philly broke your heart? Philly broke my heart. No, it was a girl. Pull over. I love Philadelphia. We did helium, which I did like the first year in existence. I opened for Nick DiPaolo there. Ah, yes,

Nick Dip. And I got all kinds of fun stories about that. One time I was killing so hard he walked out. I ordered a pizza, a large cheese pizza, and in the middle of my set he just brought it out and put it on the stool. Geez. Because the stage is right next to the door. Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck is that? And he just crawled back into the green room. I don't care for that.

I had to do my show with a cheese pizza on the stool was he kind of like hey you're killing too hard I came back. I went what the fuck was that he goes. I don't know you're killing too hard It was messes piss me off So I just did my set when I finished my set I had to walk back with the pizza So we had that and then he's got a great delivery I hold you the yeah, yeah, you can't only do 30 minutes I told you the the King Tut story King Tut only do 30 minutes. I told you the King Tut story. King Tut. No, I don't believe you have. Well, this one, this was way back in 07, 08. Somebody can look it up and fact check my asshole.

But DePaul and I are sitting around. You ask like, what does Louie do? Nick was similar. He doesn't want to do anything. Yeah. And I'm getting to that age now. I know. I'll be right here. I'm gonna watch TV. So Nick and I have been working together for a little while and I go, hey, I've been walking around, they got billboards and they've got posters for King Tut. Every now and then King Tut is in town.

We go see King Tut. And he's like, I guess, I don't know. He's like, my wife mentioned something about King Tut. She said he's here. And I go, well, let's go, look at it. What else are we doing? So we walk all the way down to the museum and we get there. There's like a thousand people outside.

It's like paparazzi and reporters and big umbrella lights like this. And yeah, there's signs and everybody's kissing. And we go, ah, this is crazy. What is this? We walked over to a window. I saw a window and I go, hey, two for King Tut. The boys want to see King Tut. See what this is all about

And they go, Teddy they go you got your tickets Like I know that's what I'm talking to you for. What am I an asshole? It's a box off. I'm asking you for tickets This is the box office the vagina office. Yes. Yes bucks the guy goes Yeah, this sold out three years ago three years King Tut. This is Taylor Swift Look over and there's 10 million people there. There's got balloons and weather balloons. Wow. CNN is there and MTV is there and MSNBC and Vice

and Playboy. Sounds like a pyramid scheme. And the guy goes, yeah, it's King Tut. It's the King Tut from Egypt. They flew him from Africa. Oh, it's the real guy. It's the real King Tut. He's like 7,000 years old. They dug up his old bones and dragged him over. Wow! Is he on ropes?

Hey everybody! I don't even know what King Tut is he was the king of Egypt is that right? I think the king of Tut. King Tut? No Tut's his name. His name is like Tut Peterson. Oh Tut okay. Tut Johnson, I don't know what his last name is, but no. I'm gonna Tut. He's like this King Philip and King Steve and King Greg. Sure. King Lear. King what? King Lear.

King Lear, yes. Yes, yes. Norman Lear is probably... Right. I think that's a Psalm. So... Scripture. Yeah, it's the King Tut and it's ancient.

He's five million years old or whatever. So all these historians from across America and Canada wanted to see the Tut. We're just two jackasses from Boston going, eh, whatever, we'll see Tut. Sure. And we got turned away like idiots. It's like two, you know, queefy artists people walked up and they go, I heard the Super Bowls today.

Right. I heard about the Super Bowl. Right. And they walk over to a guy in a yellow vest and a machine gun and go, we'd like to watch the Super Bowl, please. Yes, yes. Well, was there a guy outside with a trench coat going, I got two for tut.

I got two for tut over here. Tut two. Two beauties. You think he died and went to heaven. What do you got on tut? We're doing too much going to the producer. Yeah, maybe. Tutin' Hammon.

Oh, Tutin' Hammon. Tutin' Hammon, yes. Who are we to give him a nickname? That sounds like a radio team. Tutin' Hammon in the mornings. Oh, yeah. I like that. That a radio team tootin humming in the morning. Oh, yeah Tootin humming Tomb Raider a

Pharaoh Was he a fair or is he king well, which one is he's a king fair that's in it mingley back there It's kind of like mister and doctor. Ah You can be both. Okay That's in a mingley back there. It's kind of like Mr. and Doctor. Ah. You can be both. OK. Eh. He was eight or nine when he took the pill.

Eight or nine? That's hot. Wow. Geez, that's a accomplice little twink. Yeah, King Twink. King Tut, a tiny little dick on him. Oh, really? Well, when he was eight, I would assume.

Oh, I see. I see. I didn't get to see it. I didn't get tickets. Yeah I thought you went and googled the image. No but anyways so King Tut was there and what also we did that museum show in Philadelphia remember that? Oh the Mütter Museum. No that wasn't Mütter. Ah. Is it Mütter or Mütter? People say every kind of say it. Yeah yeah I don't know King Mutt. But that was the the you pen. Oh, that's right He did oh my god. I forgot about that. Yeah that videos on YouTube. Is it really? Oh, yeah

That was your YouTube 20 years ago Yeah, it was a long time ago, and we pitched as a show and nobody cared I had a similar thing with the Anne Frank Museum I showed up with eight comics in Amsterdam and I go hey two for Annie and they said What this is this is a line around the block look at look at this with eight comics in Amsterdam and I go, hey, two for Annie. And they said, what? This is a line around the block. Look at this. And I just look around the block and it's like 58,000 Jews and a couple of Nazis and

we couldn't get in. Sounds like Skankfest. But yeah, I mean, it's weird when you just don't, with things that you're not into. And I've talked about this recently with like, there's celebrities who are like huge in comics. I've just never seen anything they've been in. Right. Like, so I don't really like Aziz and Zari. I know from the clubs, but like I never watched whatever that show that parks in rec, I never watched it in the show. So they're like, Oh, he's huge. And there's other like movie stars that you've never seen somebody in. So you're like, I

don't know anything about this guy, but I know he's huge. Same with like BTS. You know who that is? Behind the scenes? No, it's a bunch of hot Korean boys who sell out soccer stadiums with their boy band horse shit. And they're huge. I'll do these gigs like back in the day,

it'd open for Schumer or Louie in an arena. And they're like, BTS is tomorrow. It's eight to doing eight shows. I know BTO, Bach Turner overdrive. Oh, yeah. No, this is the Asian version They say taking carrot biscuits That's funny the Asian BTO oh, yeah, I like that see what's hard for that's not that them They had taken care of business and what was the other one? Yeah, what was the other BTO? There was one other song, Don't Tell Me, Don't Tell Me. Taken Care of Every Day.

From the Alarm Clock, take the 815 into the city. People pushing, people shoving, people bubbing. BTO also had, oh, bub, bub, bub, bub, baby, you just ain't seen nothing yet. Pow, pow. Oh, with those eyes. Here's something, here's something you're never going to forget. There you go. Yeah, Bachman, Turner, Overdrive. They had two.

Back then, two songs could really have a, you could have a real career. Oh, yeah. Well, now you can have two bits and shaving haircut two bits. That's true. Kathleen, Turner, Overdrive. Okay, let me get into the story. Yeah, sorry. You can tell the story.

We're 48 minutes in. How long have me get into the story. We're 48 minutes in. How long have we been talking for there, Lex? Home! Yikes! It's over. We haven't done a story. Hit me, fatty. They're going to hate me. Hey, folks. Tuesdays with Stories is sponsored by Huel. That is spelled H-U-E-L and it is the world's number one complete nutrition brand trusted by millions. Want a meal that's full of nutrients and takes essentially no time to make? You've got to check out Huel. I read it right, it spelled wrong.

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I just couldn't get anything moving. We had sold out Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Then that late show Saturday. Philly's playoff was going on. There was a huge fight that night also big UFC card. Parreira. Did you know that you can just get the club to buy the fight? I do it all the time like the opener there was I mean openers It was like guest spot people were like tell the manager. Yeah, I was like what that's the weird thing about money If you go, hey, can you give me 200 bucks? They go no But if you go, can you put the fight on it costs 200 bucks? So like alright, we'll do it It's not 200. That was like 80. Maybe it's 80, but I'm throughout a number. I like the number

Well, anyway, so there's big fight. Anyways, every show was fucking rocking and killing. Mary Rudzinski was hosting. You know Mary? Oh, she's funny. She's great. I had my last drink I ever had in my life was with her and Pat House at Helium.

Wow. So significant place, of course. And I've been working there for 18 years now, which is crazy. So just an amazing show. And then Matt Wayne was featuring and Sarah and the baby came down, which is crazy. So just an amazing show and then Matt Wayne was featuring and Sarah and the baby came down, which is exciting because you know I don't like being away. I hate missing him. I miss her sort of and so I said hey

come on down it's Philly we'll all drive together. So we had a big family affair it was me, Matt, the baby, Sarah, which is great, because all day I can hang out with them and see them and everything, but it's still tricky. Yeah. Because you're like, and we had this in Portland too, you're like, you gotta get a second room, because you're like, I have to go nap.

I woke up at six, I have two shows, two meet and greets. Ah. It's a lot to juggle. Second room, really? Yeah, because I'm like, I wanna go nap, she wants to go nap, it's, you don't have to, but it's a lot, like, I can't I'm like, I want to go nap. She wants to go nap. It's you don't have to, but it's a lot. Like, I can't just be like, hey, I have a show. Could you be quiet?

Right. 11 month old. I never thought about that. You know, and it's filling. It's only so long you can go walk around and go somewhere. So we're hanging out. We're doing the shows. They're all fucking killer.

Every show, great crowds, great meet and greets, sold out of merch. Nice! So then... That's lunch. I get a text from... Nobody wants to hear about her. Uh-oh. Old Feehand.

Old Footjob. And she goes, hey, I think this is okay to say. I think she's talked about it. Drew Montana, you know Drew Montana? No. He's a comedian in Philly. I don't know. He's in's a comedian in Philly I don't know he's in Shane's crew. I think a big podcast great name. Yeah, dr. You Montana He's like a quarterback black guy sort of oh, he's white, but he's like an urban II white guy. I see a wigger Whoa Wow

You can say bigger that's true. Uh-huh Different meaning but But, Wigger warning. So she goes, hey, could you do his podcast be a personal favorite to me? Okay. And I go, sure, I'm happy to do a podcast. I love doing podcasts. What, did you blow this guy in the 80s or something? I think in the 2020s. Oh, okay. Yes. Yesterday? So I think they're kind of dating. Oh, great.

All right. Yeah, yeah. So I mean, by the time this comes out, who knows? They could be married or she could have killed him. And a Montana. So I go, yeah, I like to do favors. I do favors. I got to get more podcasts.

Plus, when I said I was going to Philly, they got like an army of fans. A hundred people were like, hey, please do this podcast. Do this podcast. Oh, great. So I said, great. But Friday morning I had radio. So I was like, I got radio Friday morning. President Steve? Of course. Philly's finest.

Love those guys. They're so awesome. That's a good radio show. You can do it for like 20 minutes. They let you just be yourself. They laugh. And they're fans. They're all huge fans of ours.

So I go, I got radio plus I have the family. So I'll be a little tired. So Karen's like, we'll do it. You got to do the pod. You said you'd do it. I said, I'll happen to do it. But I go, I got an idea. Oh, what if you come down to Philly, fuck your boyfriend, scrap one on, throw one in his ass, whatever you guys do. I don't know what they do in the privacy of their home. Then at night you watch the baby, the first show, just sit in the room. He'll be sleeping. Sarah can come to a guest spot. I go, I'll get you a room because I want a room to nap during the day anyways. Whoa. So I go, then you guys can switch. You can do a spot in the late show. Then we'll all do his podcast together. Oh, pretty good plan.

So he gets the king of content on his podcast. Yeah, King Tut. They both get laid and they can do it in a nice hotel because they get in a free hotel. Sarah gets a spot. I get a spot. What about the baby? Baby, she's going to watch the baby for one show. Sarah's going to watch the other show. Oh man, this is locking in. Perfect. She goes Oh man, this is lock it in. Perfect, she goes, I'm on the next train. Whoa! I go, all right, it's working out for everybody.

Love it. So she comes on down, I go down, I go, hey, let me get another hotel discounted room because we're the comedians. I go, give me for two days. Sinesta? I got the Sinesta, yeah. I know it well.

Now they know next time. Sorry. But so I go, fantastic, this is great. So we got me, Matt, the baby, Sarah, Karen, Drew, the butler, the whole gang. What are you dropping on hotels over here, fatty? This is quite a couple of rooms. It's a club discount. It's 130 bucks.

Okay. $130 a night. So two nights. All right. 260 bucks. That's to get my wife a spot, get my friend laid, and I can nap. The nap is crucial. The nap is big.

Because now, Sarah's like, you watched the baby, she didn't sleep because I had to do the show. So she goes and takes a nap, she goes and works out, boobily boop, baby-dee-bing. It's all locking in. It's all pipes. You know what they need? And I don't want to cut you off here, but if we could invent something, you know there's a drug that makes you high for 20 minutes? What's

that called? Salvia? No. Svetlana? Is it salvia? You take it, you're high for 20 minutes and you're back. Wouldn't it be great if there was a drug that would put you to sleep for 20 minutes and then you're back? Just knocks you right out, because I can't nap. But sometimes you just need 20 minutes. Wouldn't it be great if you just go good I Guess that's called heroin. Yeah, I think heroin put you out for 20 minutes. Yeah, but a few more hours get addicted You know blowing a guy You know you live in Kensington you're doing this shit. You know the hover well. I think AI will solve this

I think AI will just be able to You set a timer like I want to feel like I've slept for 21 minutes Yes, like and then you just have it. I hope you're right. I think it'll take some time, but we'll get there feels dangerous Oh, it's dangerous. You got a little few queefs Guinea-pigots, absolutely. Yeah, there's people ready to do that. Oh, yeah, those people want to go to Mars I go to Mars. I like the candy bars. Hi folks. Hey hey. I'm more of a Milky Way. So she comes down and I go okay this is gonna be great and what was nice was so we all hang out. I like a family feel. We're all hanging out and Matt's

really bonding with the baby so that's fun and we have a good time. So she comes in, she arrives at six o'clock or whatever, comes in, plays with the baby, baby loves her. She loves the baby. And then the three of us are all having a nice time. Well, four of us counting Marty, the we're just playing around in the bed, having a few laughs. Sarah gets dressed. We go down to the club, does a guest spot. She kills, Matt kills, I kill. She leaves, Karen comes back, Drew comes over, Karen does the spot. She kills, Matt kills, I kill, she leaves, Karen comes back, Drew comes over, Karen does the spot, she kills, everything's working out great, we all walk back, this is wonderful.

Karen leaves the next day, Sarah and I go for a run with the baby, it's a beautiful day, George is saying cut it. So then, the next day, Drew comes over, to Montana, and he goes, hey, think I can get a guest spot? I go, yeah, sure. The Late Show. You can do a guest spot on The Late Show.

And his buddy Naim, they do a podcast together. Oh, I know Naim. You know Naim. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Naim goes, how about two guest spots? I go, oh, this is a bit much. I go, what are you crazy? I can't have five people.

But now it's a weird racial thing, because the white guy gets a spot, the black guy doesn't. I feel like a piece of shit. The guilt. So now I haven't slept five people but now it's a weird racial thing because the white guy gets a spot I know does it I feel like a piece of shit a guilt so now I haven't slept in four days But I go I'm like what am I gonna five people in the show? What am I? black Well, whatever. Yeah, so So I go Drew you got the guest spot. Naeem will have what order the fights we got the fight on okay And so they're hanging out having some drugs and some booze and the thing. We're all having a few laughs. The fights are on. That's great. It's a lot

going on in the green room. Yeah. So I say Mary don't forget, Drew Montana. She's on stage and Wayne has got his legs out. He's looking at Twitter and picking daisies and you hear, your feature act has a new special coming out on Joe's YouTube and Matt goes, ah! Everyone goes, no, no, whoa! She brings up Matt instead of the guest. Instead of Drew who's been nervously biting his nails and pacing. Ah, she blew Montana. So she brings up Matt, Matt elbows Drew, and he runs, Matt runs out,

although I feel like Drew could have just been like, oh no, it's me. Yeah. But he felt weird and awkward. So then Matt goes out there, it's the last show of the week. Mary comes back and she doesn't, she thinks she's done working for the week. She's like, woo, that was a great spot. And now Drew and the crew all go,

you forgot to bring up Drew, what the fuck? So her like heart sinks, she's devastated. And then they're all busting her balls, I felt bad. You were probably like, it's kind of worked out. I was like, beautiful, no guest spot. Yeah, no double guest. She felt terrible, now Drew's upset because he lost his spot, he was excited, it's Saturday night at helium.

Of course. So he lost his spot, Mary feels terrible, I feel terrible, these guys are making fun. What about Naim? What do you mean? Didn't he have a spot as well? No, I said no to the Naim spot. Oh, you did say no? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guys are making fun. What about Naim? What do you mean? Didn't he have a spot as well? No, I said no to the Naim spot. Oh, you did say no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you caved. That's crazy. No, no, no, no cave. Nick cave. I go bat cave. So he goes. And cave.

They're all just shitting on him. And finally I go, tell you what, get the manager back here. We'll light Matt at 11, do the guest spot after the feature. Oh boy. Because give the manager one too. Otherwise everyone's feeling bad. So let me solve the problem. Okay. Because she's feeling terrible. He lost his spot. They're giving shit. So I go get Matt off. So now Matt thinks he's doing 20. He gets the light. He's got to edit

on the fly. He comes back. It was a whole rigmarole, Drew goes up, he gets like a pop, he's like a Philly. Oh, alright, Drewski. Yeah, he kicked ass and killed and that was great, and then I went on and ate shit, but... Come on. I'm kidding, of course, it was great and did a nice meet and greet and some real kooks in the meet and greet. I gotta buy, Matt sells my shirts while I'm taking photos. And then a guy bought the shirt and comes back and goes, Hey, this is your show. I thought this was Matt's shirt. Oh, jeez. I'm like, I did a six minute pitch on stage.

It says Lister Media. What are we doing here? Yeah. Yeah. A lot of kooks out in that Pennsylvania. Oh, my God. Are there kooks? And they're deciding the election, which is fun to think about. Every person you meet, you're like, you're deciding the fate of the country. Wow.

Isn't that weird? They decide the fate of the country and a member of that state shot the president or shot the candidate. Oh yeah, that's right. So that's a lot of range. Yeah, he had range, but not quite the age. He hit a range finder.

But anyway, so that was great. So then we all drive back Sunday morning, me, Matt, Sarah and the baby get up early. We're heading back and I got it's a Rosebud Baker and Andy Haynes birthday. Their son, their daughter's birthday. First year. Turning one was like three weeks older than my child so it's one of these things we are like you're excited it's fun everyone will be there the parents and your babies all get to hang out and like this is gonna be great but when it comes time to do it you're like we're gonna wake up at seven in the morning drive from Philly drop Matt off in Brooklyn

get to our house and immediately unpack turn turn around, and head to a birthday party. Yeah. With an 11 month old baby. So you're like, this is a lot. Yeah. But you wanna do it because it's fun. Okay. And you wanna socialize and be part of it.

So we hop in the car, we drive up, I go, Matt, I'll drop you off. He lives in Sunset Park, not far from you, I don't think. Yeah, it's a hike. Oh, okay. Not too far. Not too far, but. Think you could walk if you had to.

You think? Sunset Park to Fort Greene It's a good 40 minute walk Okay, 40 minutes. That's nothing look up Sunset Park to Fort Greene walk. That's nothing. Tell that to Stephen Hawking I tell me the tell me the train and the walk the train may be alright, but the walk I feel like that's a that's a humding. Let me get some time here. Come on Lexalou That's a humding. All right, let me get some time here. Come on Lexalou. Car 32, train 36, walking hour 20.

Hour 20 minute walk. That's heavy duty. Okay, 30. Yeah, well Brooklyn's so wacky. It's huge. Huge Brooklyn. It's bigger than, I think it's the biggest borough. By size.

It used to be its own city, but then they merged. Right, I think Queens has got to be bigger than Brooklyn. Yeah, you're probably right. Queens is bigger, I think. We've got both airports, the baseball stadium, the tennis stadium. True that. I would never leave Queens under any circumstances. It's a horrible idea, it's a great area.

Oh, I fucked up. No, Queens is the biggest. Yeah, okay. So any farts. So we're driving up, we got the thing, we we drop him and then this is a kick in the dick So this is five days before we move to battery Park City The directions take as we drop him off at Sunset Park the directions go all right drive through the tunnel We go through the Manhattan tunnel there the chip carry or the fucking is Drew Carey tunnel

Yes, we come up Cleveland rocks. Literally. I'm not even exaggerating. I can see my new apartment. Whoa. My new parking garage is above us. I'm looking at it. How about this? It's 37 minutes to my house. So if I had moved five days earlier, we would be home. It's like one of those. You live here. You'd be home. Yes, that happened to you. It's a beautiful day. So we we gotta go drive around, watch my new apartment, the Riviera Mirror, go all the way out to Queens, come up, we got six fucking suitcases, three backpacks, a Partridge and a Pear Tree, the double-sided dildo, the baby, unpack everything. Now, the party, the theme is cowgirl disco.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. There's a theme for a one-year-old child's birthday party? That's right. Okay, feels like a lot. She's turning one, she wants a cowgirl disco. It says, you know, dress accordingly. What the? So Sarah, the night before, she buys a cowboy onesie for the baby, it's got cowboys and Indians getting murdered

and raped and their land taken on it. This is child abuse. And so it's like a onesie with long sleeves and buttons. Like I'll show you the photo. It's adorable. I can't wait. She buys him a little kid cowboy hat. She buys herself a cowboy hat.

And then she had like an old, she's from Texas, you know, with tassels on the tits. Oh yeah. She's got some tight Wrangler jeans that she happens to own a pair of cowboy boots Oh, this is getting hotter. It was hot so the night before speaking of hot she brought up She bought and brought a hot glue gun To Philadelphia it's like all in a hat like a ten gallon hat with a glue gun and she bought some studded

Spanglers, oh spurs not spurs, but like what is like Macho Man Randy Savage have? Oh, the tassels. Like beaded tassels. Ah, jeez, she's officially a mom. She's all mom all the time. It's really hot. I love it. I'm like blow me a mom. I like that she had a glue gun. She still had the gun. That's good. Ah, so she's gluing it on in the bathroom because the baby's sleeping. So I'm out working. She's gluing beads so we can be the best dressed couple. Oh my god, I'm out working, she's gluing beads so we can be the best dressed couple. Oh my God, nerd alert. Meanwhile, she orders nothing for me, I have nothing.

And so I'm like, I guess I'm not going, this is great. You guys go to the party, I'll watch football and pull my prick. Well you're the disco, she's cowgirl, you're disco. Well she disco'd it up too, she put some thick eyeliner on and lipstick and some cocaine in her nostril like Neil Young. Hell yeah.

And so we're all excited and I go, I don't have a fucking outfit, what is this? And she's like, nobody told me. I just thought it was a party. I'm like, well how am I just finding this out? I look like a fucking dick face. I'm wearing an illegal pizza burritos shirt and a pair of dockers and some New Balance sneakers.

I'm wearing the same thing I wear every day and Warby Parker glasses and I'm like, oh, I wanna look like a fucking meatball. Should I buy a gun? What should I do? Yes, yes get a gun and get a truck and pull a gay guy So I go I can't go to this goddamn party. Everyone's disco'd out the baby looks amazing. She puts eyeliner on him and shaves his head and gave him a little baby naked lady. Oh, is he taught by a drag queen as well? Yeah, he's got lipstick on. Oh boy.

You know, platform shoes. So they're decked out. I mean, you got to see it. Well, this is a Texas, what is it called? Disco cowgirl? Disco cowgirl. All right. You got a baby. you didn't abort,

that's very Texas. That's true, and it said think Bachelorette Party. So we got Bachelorette Party, Cowgirl, Disco, all in our mind. Okay. The whole ride, now I'm exhausted, I'm drivin' home, the baby didn't sleep the night before, we just turned around, I wanna watch football,

but I'm like, I'm also excited to see, I love Andy, I love Rosebud, and I think like there's a bunch of fun people, Casey Balsham and Robbie Slowick look great. Mike Cannon's coming up texting with him. He's the best. And uh, who else was there? A bunch of people, Sydney, Washington, Amina, all these great people that I really like seeing. And the baby gets to see other, oh, Rachel Feinstein was going her husband, who I love. So the whole time I'm like, I'm going to look like a fucking dickhead. I hate, there's nothing worse than being at a costume party and you're like, I didn't do it. I didn't participate. I suck. We show up and that's when I realized there is something worse than

being the only one at a costume party, not dressed. You know what it is? I'll help. I don't know. The reverse. Everyone's not dressed in your dress. We show up, Sarah's got a 10 gallon hat, she looks like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber, she's got the tassels on her tits, my son looks like a homosexual from 1980s, he looks like Elton John.

He's wearing like, you know, big sunglasses, a cowboy shirt, beads. He's half asleep. We show up, we look in, and it's like a big glass building where the kids play. And I'm going, there's Andy. I don't see a cowboy in there. There's that guy, there's Chris Rock, there's Richard Breyer.

I don't see a cowboy hat with Miles. We walk in and Sarah's like jingling and jangling. She's like, it comes in with her six shooter and her spurs. Oh, we ditched that idea. Yeah. Nobody was into it. So what are you in the car rubbing the shit off? Oh my God. So now I'm going great. You look like an asshole. Not me. Yeah. I thought I was going gonna be the one dickface Wow, so Sarah's the only cowgirl disco retard. Oh, yeah I had to take the hat out and burn it quickly

I literally took his onesie off because he couldn't even move because it was so many beads It was like he was in chains bring him in naked. So I did he like walked around just a diaper He was overwhelmed. I felt bad because it was so loud because there's a lot of like little kids. Yeah. He's like, what is this? But yeah, it wasn't, it wasn't good. I mean, it was hilarious. Wow. But you show up and she's, she just looks like a goofball. She just had to eat it to get one of the village people walking into a party. Now, to be fair, once you take the hat off, like the baby's a baby. He doesn't know, but she didn't care, she'd still looked great. She's basically got tight jeans on and a shirt.

And she's got tassels, but it's like whatever. Well what is this party theme, then you show up and you're the asshole? It's a bit of a trap, it's a bit of a ruse. Well I guess, I don't know, we just didn't get the text. Feels like you showed up to the golf course and the sprinklers went on. It feels like they got you here.

I guess they thought we weren't coming, but we are SVP'd, so... I don't know. She was a hero for doing it, and yeah, we looked like... She looked like a meatball, but it was hot, and then I took the baby's stuff off, and I was like, I just threw it in the trash. I'm hurt I didn't get an invite. Yeah, well... I don't have a kid.

Also, I wouldn't have gone to that. No, there's plenty of people without kids there. I didn't get an invite. Yeah. Well, I don't have a kid also. I wouldn't have gone to that No, there's plenty people without kids there People didn't have kids really yeah. Well, what could you do? Yeah. Well, you don't really go to things That's true, but I would have dressed up at my house. Yeah Cowboy at the fun. But anyway, so that was the that was the party We felt like meatballs and idiots, but then we went back and it was night. Then once you get home, once you do the thing.

Oh, you feel great. You're like, woo, plus it was great to see everybody. Everyone was so nice and friendly and complimentary, which was great. Then you take the night off and you really earned it. Oh yeah, I'm taking all nights off. I haven't done a spot in the city. Really?

A couple months now. Well now I'm in the thing of like, you work all weekend, you do all the shows. I did Grove 34 last night. Oh, there you go. Yeah. I think to me, well, not to get too into it, but I think, uh, you know, doing these theaters, you can't really fuck around. So I need the city spots to work on new. Yeah. And yeah, exactly. You only have one show or two shows at most, but it's a treat. And they're paying real money and it's a show. Yes, and you do a meet and greet and you sell,

it's a lot of expelling. You're doing a lot of work, exerting. Right. But you're not really getting any work done or I'm not. But you're doing the Philly Heely. We could really shuck and jive out there. A little shucking and jiving. It's hard because I'm about to shoot a special.

So you want to run the special, but at the same time you're like, well in two weeks I'm out of material. I know. So you want to work the new, and I can't not write and perform new jokes. I can't do it. Oh, it's a good problem to have.

It is, I don't know how these people do it. They're like, I just do one act for 40 years. I'm like, are you not fucking infuriated telling the same goddamn joke again? I think people are more scared of bombing than they are of that feeling. Right. So they don't want to try the new and be swimming out there. Right. Yeah. And sometimes it's about when people come to see you and they're like,

I'm a huge fan! And you're like, so Psalms, what's that, like a scripture? Well, but you gotta work it in like that. You gotta work it in. Yeah, you have a couple tried and trues obviously. Right. yeah, you milk it in there and people now I think they love hearing new because there's podcast because the pocket I think in 1988 if you walked up and were like hold on let me look at my notes and see this Oh is this anything right fuck is this of course but now because of podcasts if you're like boy I was hanging out with Ari the other day. They're like whoo-hoo Yeah, and I think it's just the way the winds blowing like we don't like the polished shit we want the authentic gritty no

one wants Jimmy Fallon tonight show they want the O'Vaughn with sweatpants on talking to Trump right so it's a topsy-turvy world and I got a couple of things but I'll save it for the patreon I feel like we're, where are we? Oh my God. Well, speaking of the Patreon, we got Nick DiPaolo and Nate Bargazzi. People want full episodes for bonuses. That's an hour and 15 minutes. Mark, me, DiPaolo, Bargazzi, who just- The biggest comic in the world. Killed it on- Saturday Night Live, Mad TV.

When do you have to host by? Oh yeah, we got a bet going, a little wager. 2028, I think it was. Yeah, was it 2028? I thought it was 27. Ah, 2030 I might've said. Yeah, I think it was 2026. I can't remember.

We'll see what happens. End of the century. Oh yeah, what was it? a thousand clams? I believe no no Something like that. That's what people tried to claim. It was a hundred. It was a hundred dollars You can go watch the tape bring it up. No, don't call in cuz they all go knows a thousand you fucking idiot I'm like I watched the tape four times. Send me the video. I say a hundred It's a right before the shake. We say I can't afford a thousand. Let's do a hundred You say yes, we shake hands on video. All right, and still this is the shake we say I can't afford a thousand let's do a hundred you say yes we shake hands on video all right and still this

is the time we're living in and still even after that I'm like what are you crazy yeah that's how we do it well the same with politics we're like we cut to the old video and they're like well whatever I believe me I know it's all that happens it's crazy but cookie time Kamala's on caller daddy it's all that happens. It's crazy, but cookie time Kamala's on Call her daddy. It's all wacky. I don't even know what caller daddy is the biggest pod for women It's like the Rogan for women. Oh, wow. It's a whopper. No kidding. Yes, Joe Hogan. Well anyway, so Join the patreon we got that one then we also have the Eddie pepito and Joe DeRosa fly from scape That's another hour and a half. So so there's a long but we're about to do another long bonus right now and We're doing more. I can't afford my rent. So get on there and then November 9th, which is

Soon by the time this comes out. It might be tomorrow. I don't know Town Hall. Oh good gravy come out to that and December San Diego, I'm in San Diego for the first time ever. Never worked San Diego in my life. One of the best comedy markets, you're gonna love it. Yeah, December 4th through the 6th,

or whatever that weekend is. First weekend of December I think it is, let me see. Yeah, 5th through the 7th. I'm at the Chicago Theater, Dallas Improv, Houston Improv, Phoenix, Stand Up Live, coming back to the comedy clubs, Hilarities, Comedy Connection in Rhode Island, NOLA, Wilkes-Barre, Torrington, Connecticut, got all kinds of wacky dates. Gonna do some more club stuff, trying to build this special.

Get some bodega kit, get on the Patreon, queef it up, we'll see you in hell. Thanks for the onesies, by the way I got some some real cuties. Oh, yeah, I got nothing every single day. He's wearing a to Oh quick funny story We're in Central Park and this agent couple came up, which is very strange And she was like shake my hand shake my hand to my baby, which is very weird And he touched her hand BTS and then the guy behind her husband was like this. My father is gay behind her husband was like this, my father is gay? Ho ho ho ho!

And then she's like, ah ha ha ha, my father's gay! Wow. And they were howling, and they were walking away. It was like in sheet metal. They were like a half mile away, still like, ho ho hi! And so that was fun. Complications. Yeah, so my father's gay, thank you.

Thank you, all right. George was saying, cut it. All right, we'll see you in hell, folks.