Tuesdays with Stories! - #578 Daisy Boy Smith

Episode Date: November 5, 2024

Mark's parents stay with him and it makes for an AWKWARD set for old Marcus! Joe SLAMS the Ghostbusters! Mark's parents end up having to wander aimlessly in Brooklyn while Mark is stranded in Connecticut! Can Matt Ruby save the day? Find out ONLY on this week's Tuesdays!! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays and get on your way to being your best self. - Support the show & check out Kalshi. The first 500 traders who deposit $100 will get a free $20 credit at https://www.kalshi.com/TUESDAYS  - Support the show and try BlueChew for free (just pay $5 shipping) with the code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com  - Support the show & get 30% off of your Raycon order site wide. Head to https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose why. Alright, we're live! We're back! We're here! We are in the bedroom. You better believe it, some day will change, but for now, this is where we are. Well, you got to build a studio.

I just saw your house. What a home you got over there. We got a real pile of bricks come on by, but you willing to schlep out there? It's like 15 minutes. All right, let's schlep. I'll schlep. I mean, you have a four story fucking behemoth.

We're in my bedroom. My wife is on the can right next to us. I can hear her shit plopping. I know. Oh, Fiber. I got all the stuff here. We got a blank. Well, we're the only people going backwards

in the podcast world. I went to Ian Jensen and Jordan Fiber, whatever the fuck their names are. Ian and Jordan, do Ian. Yes, two lesbians. I can't remember what it's called whatever it is I did their podcast their studio is is the bomb diggity they're in a basement it's decorated it looks perfect we're in front

of a blank wall like assholes I know they got a Ghostbusters action figures a nice couch a shag rug they really did it up well I told Ian I he's a Ghostbuster fanatic which is off-putting but I told him I like I live near the firehouse that's the Ghostbusters and he's he's under my bed right now Tents in the front yard. I've ever seen that when I was like 14 when we took a family trip to New York And I was I was jizzing. Yeah, I don't even like Ghostbusters, but I walked by I'm like wow We've talked about this before 1984 Bill Murray Bill Murray's the only funny one in the theater

Everyone's gonna shoot me and write to me and email me and tell me to suck my own dick. I mean look I'm not a sci-fi queef. I hate sci-fi. Come on give me a movie about a guy with a car and a job. But as far as sci-fi goes it's ghosts, it's fun, it's it's it's a good time. It's a good time. I'm not saying I hate Ghostbusters. Yeah, I'm just saying That's true. That's pretty fun. Yes, but it's fine bill Murray's hilarious. It was supposed to be Eddie Murphy It would have been a hundred times better if it was Eddie Murphy. No that yeah I just think everyone else is kind of whatever and I don't know. I like it fine. I like whatever you guys Emailing me I like the female version that's really when it peaked But I think Ghostbusters is thrown me. I like the female version. That's really when it peaked.

But I think Ghostbusters is thrown out there with like Caddyshack and these other movies. No, it's a different animal. And I'm like, eh, it's silly goose shit. Totally different anal. When it first came out I was afraid of it. I was four. Sure, sure. Well actually I was two, but when I first saw it I was four and I was like, ah, what is this? Yeah. And I didn't know who Bill Murray was or Ivan Reitman or the other guy. What's his name? Dan Aykroyd. Dan Aykroyd. Is it, what's the other guy though? Harry in the Henderson's?

Harold Ramis. Harold Ramis, yeah. Yes, yes. You've watched that Harry in the Henderson's? I didn't care for it. No, I don't know what that was. Is it real? Is it not real?

Is it a wooly mammoth? Is it a big foot? Is it a Sasquatch? What are we doing here? Same with Alf. I'm like, get out of here. What is Alf? He's an alien, he landed, he likes pizza or something?

He eats pussy like a Haitian. I don't know, I can't keep up with Alf, but he's like a cultural icon. The show was on for like four episodes and people keep bringing it up. Yeah, I like that dad. He was a handsome guy. Yeah, I don't remember the dad.

He looked just like me. Ah, quite the doof. Good looking fella. Anyways, great to see you. That house is tremendous. Thank you. What a party, what a time. Hey, quite the doof. Good looking fella. Anyways, great to see you. That house is tremendous. Thank you. What a party. What a time. Hey, thank you. Yeah, we had a good time. That turf. How about that fake grass? It's like a toupee. I love the fake grass. I love the turf. We were rolling around in the hay. The kids were down there. Sam Baril

sat in the grass. That's how nice it is. I know. Never seen that guy on green before, but I was chasing the kids around, which is my little life hack to get out of talking to parents Of course, I mean we talked about that with Sarah and I are a wedding We'd never stopped dancing the entire time. We didn't talk to a single human being at the wedding That's it's a good move. Yes. Sam was like, why are you running around with these kids? I was like cuz my dad's here, right? I got a I got a I got to get away from him and this is a perfect out and you're wearing the kids out It's a win-win. I got one beef with the house.

You wanna hear it? And you get to touch kids. Let's hear it. That half wall, the neighbor. Yeah. It's like three feet high and then the house next door is for sale. I think you go in habsies with Chuck or somebody

and buy that thing. Oh, buy the house next door. Yeah, you gotta bisexual the house because if I come over, I like to talk about, you know, men's assholes coming in my father's face. Sure. My sister's twat. Yes.

We can have Tom Dick and Hoover over there. I know. It's like Wilson on a home improvement. I mean, it's right up to the nose. It's I mean, you can see and hear right in there and you're in woke land. You're going to have two hipster homos with fedoras and skinny pants and a pair of whatever sneakers these people wear. And moccasins.

And they're gonna come over there and you're gonna go, hell, my father's gay. And they're gonna go, ooh, can I come over? And you're gonna go, I'm just kidding. And they're like, that's not funny. And then they're gonna egg your house and spray paint your tits. That's true, I didn't think about that.

Maybe I'll get like some bush, we'll do a full on bush quail on that wall there. Yeah, you got to get a bush fence Yes, no hedge hedge fund. Yeah, hedge is good head hedge Lord hedge your bets. There you go Yeah, so you got something there. It's a it's a low wall. What are we doing here? It's a neighbor cover it up No, it should be 50 feet. Yeah It should be the border wall This is the problem with New York City and comedians because all the time we have barbecues and cookouts

Yes, Sarah and Henry Phillips and Nikki Glaser and I were sitting on my stoop one time And we were just talking about how what if you came super hot like if cum came out boiling hot and it's warm I'd say it's warm. But what if it was boiling? And your pussy was on fire, and great song, and then your mouth burnt. And this was like a conversation and then our landlord came up was like, gah gah gah gah! And we were like, what's wrong with this fucking guy? Jewish guy? Yeah. And we were like, oh, what an asshole. And we realized, well, we weren't talking about boiling hot come outside of his bedroom window. Oh yeah. So you gotta be careful out there. I know, I know. As a comedian, that is really our number one thing,

is people overhearing us. Cause everybody goes, I can take it, I like the dark humor. We say shit that's really, really scary to people. We're out there, Jerry, we're loving every minute of it, and you got that low fence, and you're in Brooklyn, and that's gonna be trouble. Yeah, yeah, I gotta get some some stacks of stone on there or something. And your wife is no better by the way. I talked to her and she's like how about these

homos, how about these blacks, how about these Asians. She's wild, she's wild. She's like David Duke over there. So we gotta figure that one out and you know they say let your kid listen to classical music. She's just pumping in all kinds of stereotypes and slurs. That kid's going to come out full DePaulo. Oh, yeah. No, I had DePaulo and Sam Harris and my wife's pussy the whole time.

That's smart, yeah. Put some Coleman Hughes in there, maybe a little Motown or Rogan. Absolutely. I don't know about Rogan. Well, the kid will be doing chin-ups in the belly. That's a hell of a program, that a Rogan. Absolutely. I don't know about Rogan. Well, they're gonna be doing chin-ups in the belly. That's a hell of a program that Joe Rogan... I can't wait to get back on there. Oh yeah. Well, you gotta wait for Trump on Friday. Oh yeah. Maybe I'll go after him.

There you go. Tough shoes. By the way, this is probably gonna come out in six months. When does this come out? January 38th. I think it's Black History Month at some point. But yeah, he asked Kamala, but she said no dice. Is that right? Oh yeah. By the way, Chuck has the same temporary tattoo from six months ago. What's going on there? I think you got fucked.

No, it's like it's got fucked. It's like almost permanent, semi-permanent tattoo. It's pretty good. Semi-permanent. No, it's not. It's like my marriage. It's not temporary, obviously. It's kind of sticking around. Oh, alright. You ever think about getting a tattoo? I've thought about it, but the commitment, then you change, then you

get Oshkosh Magosh right here and then that goes out. So it's not worth it. Yeah. The only tattoo, when I was a kid, I think I've told this before, but when I was a kid, thank God you can't get tattoos as a kid because I wanted to get the Rolling Stones tongue on my hip, which is so effeminate and gay. And you're like a MILF. And then I wanted peace, love, and rock and roll in the small of my back. I mean, I was 11.

You're like a Woodstock Cougar. You're like an old lady out there. Well, when I was a boy, I was very into the rock and roll, of course, and I would have like an elegant, cursive stamp tramp of peace, love, and rock and roll. Yeah, yeah. Wow. That would jizz all over that. Hot come right on that tongue. Wait, remember when we were, I don't think you were there this year. It was the first time I did Last Comic Standing in 2010. Were you there?

No, I did the year after. Well, I was out there and there was a comedian who was shall remain nameless to the public Judy Gold. But we all went to the pool all the comics first day. Yes. Exciting. He took his shirt off and we went. Is that a tramp stamp? Tribal art. I know the guy. I know this guy. We all were like, what? Yes. Gary Veeder. Big, big fuck up. Big Jewish star right on the lower back. Yeah, that's bad. The hotel pool is where it all comes out. You see the Irish that what is that Irish cross? Yeah, that's a big one. Then you got the Yankee logo. I mean, that's some bad ones that barbed wire No fear. Oh

I got so much fear anything tribal tribal is bad tribal I got so much fear anything tribal tribal is bad Tribal with the tribe the holy tribal. No, you can't comedy festivals. You can't go to the pool I remember years ago in Montreal. I was like I'm gonna go take a dip at Montreal I don't know why I thought that would be a good idea and it was just Bonnie McFarlane and Raina who was a kid The pool and it's just like this And at the time I didn't know Bonnie at all It's just like this like kind of hot pier and her daughter. And then I did a joke about her. Her daughter went, I don't like that man over

there. Oh, yeah. And I was like, well, I'm just hanging out. Wow. But we weren't close enough to talk and she's with her kids. You're like, hi. And now I'm just faking a swim. Yes. Yes. That is awkward. Yes. Cause the hotel pool, you're contained. There's no getting out cause you want to be in the pool and they want to be in the pool. So you can't Mosey it's also awkward as soon as they come you're like, I'm out of here and you can't walk in and see them That's true. I was looking for my the business center. The hot tub is the all-time worst You know when you're in the hot tub and then some queef comes in the hot tub and you're like, oh We're like two feet away from each other. Our toes are touching. I'm hard the whole thing stinks

Exactly. It defeats the purpose of the hot tub yeah your toes are tucked because you want to make sure you're not toeing exactly exactly mistletoe yeah so yeah I'm with you the hotel pool at all that's where it reveals all Tony great unifier Tony the tiger all right well I got you got some things well you go first all right well this I got some things. You got some things. Well, what do you want to say? Well, you go first. All right, well, this, I need your opinion. I need your thoughts. I got a few things.

I'll take it. This is troubling me. Please. This is fucking me up. I've been taking lifts everywhere. I go to the airport. I go to the show. I go here.

I go there. Where the middle is nowhere. They add up. Boy, do they add up. Uh-oh, Chuck's checking us out. We OK? All good. All right. Maybe nervous. So anyways, we're driving all around. I'm taking the Lyfts everywhere. I get an email.

Open the email. It's from Lyft. You violated community guidelines. Ooh! What'd you do? N-word? Handjob? I do all those things regularly, but usually at home. Not in a Lyft. Yeah. I do all at once. I jerk off. I yell the n-word while fingering my ear. Yes. But yeah it said here's a reminder of our community guidelines. We've had something before. You got a one star. You got another one. We're going to suspend your account. Gee. Suspended. What'd you do? Smile? Well this is all I can think in this line. This is all I can think, this is all I can think

that it could have been. And there's a couple of things, maybe. But this is the one I think it was. I got in a Lyft coming home from Royal Oak, Michigan. Thanks everyone who came out. Great club. Great club. Sam Raimi is from there. Shout out. Oh, that's lunch. So I get off the plane, I get in the Lyft and it's like a hot bitch. Really? Is she brown? No, no. She was like, I think Eastern European maybe. Her name was Susan and just a beautiful lady. Wow. I shouldn't have said her name just in case I don't want to get suspended. It's on the lift, you're

fine. It's not like you crossed any lines yet. I maybe bleep that and I'll say, Susan. Suzy. Plug in Susan. Big lift. Yeah, and anyway, she had like designer sunglasses, matching sweatsuit, long hair. Wow. I mean, you see the photo, you're like, wow, that's something.

And she could drive? A woman? Sort of. Oh, wow. Yeah. All right. Even with the little brain, they can kind of Good for them.

Keep it together for a couple minutes. For her, very high functioning. So I get in the lift and she goes, Joseph, and just out of repetition, I go, yes sir. Oh. And so as soon as I said yes sir, I said, sorry, ma'am, I'm not used to female drivers. Oh, we're digging a hole here, Fetty.

But I meant, like, I'm accustomed to saying yes, sir, but I think it came off like, whoa, I ain't never seen a woman drive a car. And then I was like, sorry, I was stupid. And then we drove in silence, and I think that must have been it. Like, she must have thought I was like, hey, yeah, what's up, sir?

Sorry, not used to broads. That's what the guideline was? I think that was the guideline, because she probably wrote, like, this man is a piece of shit. He's a misogynist. Wow. And you can't make a case.

Yeah. You can't be like, well, I always say, sir, I don't know why. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. That's such a, and plus you could go, I didn't want to assume. Well, I guess you did assume a gender. Yeah, I assumed man. And she's a beautiful woman.

Ah, but that shouldn't be a guideline. Like the fact that she went into settings, hit this, guidelines, send, it feels like a lot. Yeah, I assume it was that one. I also had a Muslim driver and I said, God bless the IDF. But I don't think it was that. That might have done it too. That couldn't have been. Just kidding.

That's a joke. But the other one is true. I said, yeah, I called her sir and then said, I'm not used to women. Yeah, that's a tough one. Well, hey, we've all had the faux pas with the Uber. I had one where the guy's like, what's airline? And I go, American. And I was like, oh, that didn't sound good.

It sounded like I was like, hey, I'm American, you piece of shit, get out of here. But I just was flying American that day. Right, yeah, so that's the only thing I can think. And it makes you feel ashamed. I know. And you want to call her and go, no, I'm not that guy. Yeah, I'm a good guy.

I love women. I own a woman. Like, I feel like... Yes, you got a slave here. I'm a good person. She's chained up. And I meant to... I didn't...

I just meant like... I meant, yes, sir. Like, I'm just used to saying that. I get it. And then I went, yeah, I'm accustomed to whatever. I'm accustomed to getting my dick sucked. Twice a week. I get it. And then I went, yeah, I'm accustomed to whatever. I'm accustomed to getting my dick sucked. Twice a week. Pussy payments. Got some cheese on that whopper. Yeah, wow, that is a tough one. But I feel like that's a little harsh with the guidelines.

Guidelines should be saved for you call her a cunt. You go, hey, take a left here, you coos. Right, but I think these are sensitive times, these are sensitive people. And so I just felt like shit. And then we live in a luxury building now, a low end luxury, but I think these are sensitive times, these are sensitive people. And so I just felt like shit, and then we live in a luxury building now, a low end luxury, but still luxury. Very nice area. That's a door, man. The apartment's too small, the water doesn't work, the door doesn't shut.

I got fucked. Geez. Wow, we only looked at it for three minutes. Ah. Really blew it. You think? Yeah, I'm too far from everything, I can't afford it. Everything's leaky, the bad water pressure,

there's no heat, the cold water comes out hot. Hey, I hear you. I'm in a money pit, too. Yeah, I got fucked, I'm an idiot. But whatever, it'll flood if it rains. Yeah, you got a beautiful ocean right here, a river, a door man, baby. Door man's a lot though, you gotta walk in, hey, how's it going? I got one that's like a ball buster.

Oh, and he's like, there's too many guys named Joe. And then I go, I'm thinking of changing it to Henry. He goes, no, don't change your name. I'm like, no, I'm not. I'm just trying to yes-and your stupid bullshit. Joking, you retard. But also, I gotta talk to the guy every time. I know where to go, and he's like, whoa, where you going?

I go, I'm seeing List, and he goes, let me call him. So now we got a call, we gotta let you in, but I guess that's good for you because you don't, you know, Chuck comes by and he's like, hey, I'm seeing List. And he goes, I'm seeing List. And he goes, I'm seeing List. And he goes, I'm seeing List. And he goes, I'm seeing List. And he goes, I'm seeing List.

And he goes, I'm seeing List. And he goes, I'm seeing List. And he goes, I'm seeing List. And he goes, I'm seeing List. And he goes, I'm seeing List. And he goes, I'm seeing List. And he goes, I'm where you going? I go, I'm seeing List and he goes, let me call him. So now we got to call, he got to let you in, but I guess that's good for you because you don't, you know, Chuck comes by, he can be like, I'm not here. But they didn't call for Chuck.

No, he's like, Hey, what's up? And I walked right by. Really? I was like, Joe List, he's like, you know, he told you me your number. I didn't, I'm not going to say it in the podcast. Wow. Yeah. See, I don't know. He snuck right in.

So maybe I look ethnic. Well, the other day I went I ordered some McDonald's delivery. Yes, because I'm a classy guy. Oh, yeah The baby was sleeping so I didn't want the phone to ring So when I saw the uber driver coming down I ran down But then I got there too late and he was already calling so like I hear his end of phone go So the phone's ringing anyways, and I go hey, hey,, I'm right here. And he goes, what are you doing? I call you, that's why I call. And I was like, I know, I wanted to come down.

He's like, but now the phone's ringing, I don't know. I'm standing here, this is my job. And I was like, no, I know it's your job. And he's like, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. And I'm like, well, it's not funny. I don't know what's real. Not funny, I hate those kind of jokes. Yeah, it's brutal.

Yeah, now it's a thing. Every day's a thing now with this guy. Just want to breeze right in. But anyway, so then we were getting Every day is a thing now with this guy. Just want to breeze right in. But anyway, so then we were getting rid of, we had junk luggers. You ever used junk luggers? Junk luggers? That sounds like a slur. I've got a couple junk luggers in my neighborhood now. Well, then we got the same initials. JL, junk luggers. Hey, Jay Leno. Because we're getting rid of all this stuff, you know, So we had to have the junk lugged and it's a big shit. It's an old crib and an old bullshit and another thing. And so I asked the door guy, I was like, hey, instead of me

sitting here for three hours waiting for the luggers to come, I was like, can I bring it down here and leave it at the door? And the guy was like, oh, how big is it? I was like, not too big. And he was like, yeah, all right, all right. And then I could tell he wasn't enthusiastic. I was like, are you sure? Because I just got a demerit on Lyft. I don't want to be kicked out of the house. Oh yeah, demerit.

And he goes, yeah, yeah, go do it, go do it. So I brought the thing down and it's like this big, my back's snapping. I put it down and he's like, that thing? Oh boy. And I was like, well, there's one more piece. And he's like, another piece. And I was like, I'll take it back upstairs. Don't worry about it. And he's like, no, I was like I'll take it back upstairs don't worry about

it he's no no no don't worry but I could feel so I just had all this shame Jerry that's shameful day shame Gillis that is a lot I just was like I'm calling women cunts I'm giving the guys too much stuff but yeah all's well that ends well they took the lug they lugged the junk you're paying a million bucks a year here. You think, hey, let me put some lug junk on the sidewalk. Well, they took it, so I guess, and then this is my first time with a doorman. I gotta tip all the guys at Christmas time. What? Oh yeah, Christmas. Yeah, you gotta go hard too. No 20s. You gotta go 300, 200. Each. You gotta grease them like Henry Hill. What? two hundo each you gotta grease them like Henry Hill what come on Henry that's your new name Hank

you've got a you gotta put some some c-notes in that hand well this is the last thing I didn't talk to you about my movers how much I tip these guys oh yeah the movers you're gonna get upset when you hear this you're gonna lay out a big fat number there autism let me tell you about this moving situation. I gotta get off, I got a couple more things, we'll save them for later. I've talked too much, I've said too much. No, this is it, I wanna hear this.

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500 traders who deposit $100 will get a free $20 credit. K-A-L-S-H-I dot com slash Tuesdays. Well, so the movers come. It's a two-day move and it's a whole thing and it costs $3,500. Yay! Chi-wah-wah! Is that a lot or a little? That's very high. I think it's fine.

But we didn't pack anything. A third of that. They packed it. They supply all the boxes. Okay, okay. We already talked about that. They bring the boxes, they build the boxes, they put everything in there, they bring it over, they unpack it, whatever.

We had a couple things missing, by the way. I had a whiskey jar. They bring it over. They unpack it. Whatever. We had a couple of things missing, by the way. I had a what a whiskey jar filled with change. It was like 200 bucks. I have no idea where it is. Oh, and I have a Conor McDavid action figure that's missing in the box still. Wow. Conor McDavid. Good fighter. Yeah. So not really. But wait, who's the who am I thinking of? It's Conor McGregor. Oh, yes. He was great in his prime.

He sure was. McDavid, not so much. But anyways, so I'm missing these items, but he had me sign the paper, and I'm a goofball fucking idiot. He's like, and yeah, just so you know, when you tip, it's usually about 30% is right. Oh, that's how they get you.

They're just reeling me in. You got a live one here. Why? And they're, you know, they're of, they're Puerto Rican or Dominican. There's some debate there. I don't know which one. Karen said Puerto Rican.

I thought they were Dominican because they love baseball, but Puerto Ricans like baseball also. The darker the more Dominican. They were darker, yeah. So I think they're Dominican. All right. But either way, so I go 30%.

That seems high. But I'm also, I got white guilt. My father's gay. Yeah, they're brown. I'm also I got white guilt my father's gay yeah I'm like okay Obama so I thought all right I'll do 20% they can't be mad at that yeah that's good I'm 3500 I mean this is a hefty hefty ransom yeah I mean 30% is $1,500 or something yeah $1 Maybe not fifteen hundred. It's a thousand, twelve hundred. It's like twelve hundred. That's a ton of cash for a tip. Some places don't even tip at all. You're paying, that's about what I paid for my movers by the way, your tip. Well so then I go and there's four guys and so I'm sitting here, they're unpacking, they're

unpacking. He goes, yeah we used a lot more boxes, it was a lot more work than I thought. Oh man, they're really riding that tramp stamp of yours. He goes, we're not going to charge you anymore. And then they're Dominican Puerto Ricans, so I got all this baseball paraphernalia. It's the whole time they're talking baseball. Hey, baseball, you like baseball? You know your stuff? Yeah, and he's like, you got this autograph?

Wow. So I feel like I'm bonding with the boys. Yes, yes. And so then I'm like, all right. But they feel like they're bonding too. So they're like, oh, all this baseball talk's really going to get us a nice 30 percenter. They're working me, Jerry. And so I thought I'll give them eight hundred dollars total. Yeah, that's still a good percent.

That's two hundred dollars each for two days. A hundred bucks a day for each guy. That's money in the bank. And they're moving the bed and the thing and they're swinging it and hooking it and whatever. So then I'm sitting here and I go. All right 800 sounds right and the guys like whoo. We did that fast. It's These guys are pros and I was like well what's fast that's true and this before I know I'm missing my change in my McDavid that's true. Where's Marty? Oh shit Cats out of the bag and also and my McDavid. That's true. Where's Marty? Oh shit. And by, that's all right. We see it.

Oh, the cat's out of the bag. And also, they took, this is great, they took the dishwasher tray. Did I tell this already in the podcast? Oh, the tray. Did I already say this? The silverware? I think so.

Yeah, they took the dishwasher thing out of the dishwasher. Oh yeah, I told that part of the story because the food. You know what that is? That means that guy has a dishwasher. He lost his and he's like, he's not gonna notice this. No, no, he didn't steal it. He brought it here from my old place. Oh, oh, I see. He thought that was part of the move. Yeah. So I go then then I get in my head. I'm like, I decided 800 is good. And then Fian was here. She lives across the street. She's like, you do you?

I don't know. I'm a good tipper, though. So that made me feel shame. So I was like, should I do more? And she's like, hey I'm not saying anything about anything. So I was like, all right so I'm low. Ah well it depends on who you ask. But did she dabble? Did she get her box filled? I said you should fuck some of these boys. That's a tip. Exactly that's what I was hoping for. Just a tip. I got a couple of these Dominican Reekins. Yes, yes, we'll start a team. I'll pull a couple hundred back in the box. Yeah, exactly. But she's got her boyfriend, whatever the fuck. That guy should be around at home. So I go, all right, the last second I was like, well, they did it faster. It was more expensive than I thought.

I'll give them each $100, that way they're getting 125 each per day or whatever, or 150. That's a lot of math, I can't do the math. It's funny, these guys are just lifting heavy boxes and all you're thinking about is tip, how much, how little, is that good, is that bad, they have no idea. I don't wanna be an asshole, so I end up giving them $1,000 in cash, a stack of cash,

a thousand bucks. So $4,500 all in. And then here's the worst part. So I give them a stack of cash and a check or a credit card, whatever, which is a 3% tax on that for a credit card. So then they leave. I'm finally out. I'm like, God, was that too much?

I'm an idiot. That's a thousand dollars. As I'm leaving, the guy's like down, I'm finally out and I'm like God was that too much. I'm an idiot That's a thousand dollars as I'm leaving the guys like down so I'm on my balcony guy yells I forgot my jacket up there. Hmm, and I'm like shit. Okay, let me get the jacket So now I'm bringing him his jacket like a cuck ass Oh, yeah, I'm over my arm and then when I got down there all four of them were smiling at me in a way that I think they were like, oh There's the bitch boy they got me they got you good they brought the jackets a power booth that's a that's the oldest

trick in the book that's that's in the Dominican playbook I came down and they were like look at that like they must have been like he gave us a thousand they pushed each other in the bushes I bet they had photos of you like bending over they're like exactly and then I come down with his jacket, his Letterman jacket, and I'm like, here you go. Thank you. Sorry. Oh, damn. And they must have, they were all giggling.

I think they were giggling at Laughing and Lying. Well, they saw your panties. They saw your gay comedy photos of you like on Jimmy Fallon. They're like, look at this fucking twink. Who do you think he is? I know. It's bad. And so yeah, they, they rook me and bad money and

I'm missing my money and my my Connor McDavid toy which is probably worth 50 bucks and you know they like baseball right and of course they like money because they they ripped you off from the from hell and back yeah so I don't know man you got raped just taking me for a ride plus I'm doing the special this week and then my manager called he he goes, yeah, they did some number crutching. It's gonna be about $5,000 extra for the curtain and the light. Oh, the curtain, beef curtains. These people, once they have you, they just throw it in.

I know. Trust me, I know. I got the house. It's just, oh, the Johnson Rod is coming undone. Then you gotta get the ceiling fan. The DOB's gotta come in and inspect the plumbing over here and you go, just take my wife, fuck her in front of me, and burn my wallet. That's my thing. Date of birth, DOB. What's DOB? Department of Buildings.

There's a million of these. DOB, Department of Justice, the GOP. I can't keep up. That's the red tape. I think this is why people move to red states. Yes. Texas, you can build a fucking cross a cross on your lawn and burn it. Yeah.

You know, have porn on your roof. They don't care. Well, yeah, I know. That's why Elon Musk and all these guys go down there and build Starlink and Star Twink. But you can't look at porn in Texas. I've tried it on my phone on the road and I'm like, what the hell? No dice. So I'm like, I can't look at porn'm like I can't look at porn but I can have a gun right interesting or and no abortion yeah it's very

strange that's not thought of the land of the free yeah it's very odd not the land of free porn I'll tell you that because Brazzers was not loading no point he must be able to like sign up for something well you go to the back door you go to the kitty porn you go to the animal stuff porn, you go to the animal stuff, you know, there's other sites that they're not aware of. I talked about this on stage in Oklahoma or Missouri, there's another state like that, Illinois, and then everyone all in unison yelled out Reddit! Oh!

You go to Reddit and watch porn on Reddit, evidently, anytime you want. That seems tough, because they're going to be commenting on the girl's tits, and, oh, this bitch sucks, I saw her on the street. She's gay Well, an ex has porn now too, which I didn't oh, I found it like two years ago Twitter porn is wow You will go down a rabbit hole. I mean it just keeps swiping and it's short little bites So you just like whoa that girl got a face of jizz and then you scroll the next one. Whoa, that's my dad So yeah, you just it never ends. Well somebody there was a trans woman tweeting at us, did you see that? No. Oh no. Cause we talked trans. No, it was all good. She said, you're my hero. And it

was like, she's like, I'm a twos gay. And it was a Asian lady. Oh, all right. And he's pulled in a soft cock. Oh, you're tagged in it really? Yeah Yeah, send it over I'll pull it up send it over send it over I'll find it here in a second, but you'd start telling us. Well, hey, we were we're we appreciate you there Asian soft cock Yeah, old a radio station by the way demerit. He said you got a demerit on lift. That sounds like a radio station. By the way, Demerit, you said you got a Demerit on Lyft? That sounds like a football player. Ho! It's crazy. This is Demerit Johnson. Wow, look at that Labia on the side there.

That's not a Labia, Jay. Jeez, that's a big Labia. That's a testicle. Quite a clit. Hold on, somewhere. There she is. Oh, boy, great face. Well, I don't know if this is AI or a robot or what,

but she says she's a Tuesday. Well, I don't know if this is AI or a robot or weapon. She says she's a Tuesday. Well, welcome aboard there sister. Good to have you in a full bush. Decent ball bag. My dick. I think she took an AI because the Bush is very similar to mine. Yeah. That could use a a buffing. I believe it's a little worn out, but there's a lot of patina on that peewee. I'm also fascinated by someone that posts the public dick pic of a limp dick. I don't let my wife see my limp dick. No, limp biscuit. I completely agree. Come on.

That's what I'm saying. Fluff it up there, Bobby. What's her name? Katana. I don't even know, but she's very pretty. Very pretty. Daisy, Daisy, lazy boy. Oh, Daisy.

I like that. You tell me she's lazy. She can't even get it up. Daisy, Daisy Lazy Boy. Oh. Daisy Lazy. I like that. You tell me she's lazy. She can't even get it up. Oh, yeah. She tweets every day. I think that's a thing. There's us.

She retweeted us. How about that? Eight retweets. There's Rogan. And look at this. Whoa. Now that's a hard dick. That's a piece and a half.

I'm very confused right now. Yasmin De Castro. I don't know if I'm into it, if I'm not into it. What's? It's real. Yes. Oh, that's a ball back. I think this soft thing is like a ladyboy thing I think they want to be a feminine The rabbit hole Jerry the rabbit hole is very wet and slippery The ladyboy have we talked with the ladyboys and the trans women are at odds. It's like the Montagues of the Capulets. Is that right?

I don't know the difference. Well, because the ladyboys ran the roost for years out there in Thailand. Businessmen are flying in left and right to get a piece of that young female dick. And then now the trans women have showed up and the ladyboys are like, you're Netflix. You're putting our blockbuster out of business. Right. Well that's a blockbuster. Right. But

now what's the dip for those. I know of course because I live in New York and I'm progressive and a hero. But what the fuck is the difference. I don't get it. I do get it. I know. Yeah. People at home they may not know. I don't know. We're talking about a lady Boy is a feminine little lady with a dick. Uh-huh. Right? And then a trans woman is a guy who transitioned into a woman with a dick. Right, but they're transitioning, so they haven't had the surgery yet. Maybe there's some of that.

It's hard because there are, and I try to be, you know, on here we're goofing it up and gagging and we'll be gag gagging all right when we meet this lady I can't wait, but we're being silly goose, but in all reality I'm like what I try to be a good ally and citizen sure like I don't know they keep changing the words I know I know and there's 68 genders now So you can't keep up q plus I, anal, Q anon. It just keeps going. Now Chuck looks like he has some info.

I don't think they're different. I think what Mark is saying is that this used to be a specialized market and now it's becoming a much more easily accessible thing. So no one's doing this. Maybe that's it. Ladyboy is not a term for the PC folk. There's no way they're like calling themselves ladyboys. I think that's what they call them in in Thailand. They're like, I'm a lady boy. Come on down. Right. We got a brochure. Right. Okay. But so cuz trans is more serious, I feel like. Yeah. Yeah. Like, we're having

a party. That's true. We're hanging out. I don't I don't know. We'll cut all this. I don't know what the hell we're talking about here. Colin, uh, Daisy Boy? Yeah, yeah. Daisy Boy Smith. The British Bulldogs. Um, alright, well yeah. So where you been? Let's get the hell off of this. Daisy Boy Smith was good if you're a wrestling fan from the 80s. Okay, okay.

It was a British bulldog. His name was Davey Boy Smith. Oh, that's nice. Alright, alright. Daisy Queen. But, uh, yeah. Daisy Queen. First off, I gotta tell you, I mean, the parents were in town. So when your parents are in town, your whole world just shuts down. Like everything around you tastes worse.

The air is, the sun doesn't come out. It's just a different city when your parents are in town. Their sun should come out. Yeah, finally. Tomorrow. But your parents, we have different parents. My parents come for a day every six years. And they've stayed at my house one time ever. They'll get a hotel with money they don't have.

Your parents just come in the house and pitch a tent in your own bed. My parents have money. And they're like, we'll be in there. We're going to kick you. I gave them my bedroom. And they're in there. My dad's making bagels. he's got an apron on.

He's like Trump and McDonald's. He's got the fryer going and my mom's reading with her feet up. She's like, you gotta move this, you gotta move that. They took over. And I've never heard of this. Your parents were in town for a week with your pregnant wife while you were out of town.

I had to, I'd have flew the coop. I mean, the fact that your wife is still married to you and saying I love you presumably to you is outrageous. Very strange. If my wife came and her parents stayed here and she's like I'll be in San Antonio. Yeah. I'd be like tell your parents to fly the coop or piss up a rope whatever that fucking term is. Sure well good luck looking at porn out there at San Antone, but yeah, yeah, I gotta make the money. I gotta pay the bills, Jerry. Right, but they're still at the house,

so she's waking up and your mother's compression socks are on her counter. Oh yeah, she's got beads in the car seat, it's bad. But she also works, so she got the door closed, and my parents are very big on, like we don't want to bother anybody, even though they're staying, they're sleeping in my bed between us.

Well, that's good. Yeah, so they're like, you do your work, we'll stay out here, and they do stuff. They're like museum, they go bed on the horses, they get out there, you know? They're at the Trevi Fountain, whatever it is. So I don't think it was too bad, but still. That's good. If you did it to me, I'd divorce is. So I don't think it was too bad, but still If you did it to me i'd divorce you, but i'm a very lucky guy Uh, she puts up with a lot

so Me my parents go out to eat and I go All right, we're going to eat. I'm talking to the wife going out to eat I got a gig. So we're gonna go out to eat I Will say you're coming to the gig with me. It's getting late. They're old. They'll probably go to bed because my gig's at 9 and I'm doing an hour at a bar. Okay. So we're at the dinner and I go well I got a run of this show. May you want to come with me and see the show? And she

was like sure. And then my parents go we want to go and I was like oh shit like well sold out and they're like you can get us in so now in an attempt to dodge them now they're coming with me now we're in an uber and I'm texting with the guy I'm like my parents are coming you got to give him seats and he's like no problem we'll put him right up front I'm like no no we get there it's just a Two's Gay Fest. Like I walk in with two elderly people in a blazer and my dad and then my mom and all these fans are like,

Two's Gay, just my ass, fuck my dad, my father's gay. And I'm like, hey dad, these are my people. All I heard was my father's gay and my dad was like, is this a reunion? What is this? Is this an intervention? So that was weird. So I put him in the way back and you just do that hour. DeVito opened, he was great, and it's a full, it's like 200 people and you're just up there thinking about them the whole time. Anal, jizz, black people, whatever, retarded sex, it's all coming out.

Yeah, that's tough. And there's nothing weird. People don't realize that when you're performing that like your brain is just like you're you've got your mother's brain in your head. You're trying to filter all of it through your mom's tits. Yeah. And she's probably thinking, I didn't know he knew about that. He's talking about Aphpardites and doggy style and all this shit 69ing, it's tough. Yeah, so did they enjoy it? I don't know, we left and no one spoke. Right, yeah, that's the only thing I have going on here. A spoke post, yeah, so we left and we talked about

the weather and ISIS and we got back home and went to bed. Now that was night one. Night one? Yes, yes. They were there, it was so long, I couldn't believe it. And we got back home and went to bed now that was night one night one yes Yes, they were there for it was so long. I couldn't believe it. It was a Full week seven days on the nose. I know I know October 7 so next night I Go hey folks. We got bad news me and the lady have a road gig in Cheshire, Connecticut.

I gotta give you this guy's contact. Great gig. Rury. So I go, we'll drive to Connecticut an hour and a half. We'll drive back. We'll be home by midnight or something. So we get out there. I didn't know it was two shows. Two shows. Full moon, by the way. Yeah, you drive and you go, oh, look at that. at that. Bright, full, fat, white moon. That's something. Reminds me of Bulger's jokes. You ever get high and you follow the moon thinking it's a gas station?

He's like, this place is gonna be huge. That's one of his first jokes. I like it. So yeah, we're driving and we get there and he goes, all right, so we thought it was a seven o'clock show, it's an eight and a 9.30. I thought I'd be out of there by 8.30 driving back. Wow.

That's a quick turnaround, by the way. I know, I know. I overshot it, but I was like, hey, here's a key, dad. Let yourself in. We'll be back at midnight. You'll be asleep at nine. It's all gravy. So cut to, we're at the show.

Do the first show. Goes great. Got a text from my mom. Hey, that key you gave me, not working. And I go, you gotta jiggle it, you gotta twist it, turn it, it's a fucked up house, it's a fucked up door. And she was like, we've been trying for 10 minutes, we almost broke the key, we almost broke the door down,

and I go, well, we'll be back at midnight. Go to Junior's, it's a 24 hour diner. Oh yeah. Right by my house. Is it a diner or is it just cheesecake? It's a diner, it's a full restaurant. Oh it is. A full restaurant, yeah.

Oh, I always thought it was just like a cheesecake dessert thing. I mean, that's what they're famous for, cheesecake. OK, gotcha. But it's a Brooklyn staple. So I text my mom and I go, how's Junior? She goes, not great, they're closing in 30 minutes. I go, closing? It's 24 hours. not great, they're closing in 30 minutes. I go, closing? It's 24 hours.

She goes, COVID. COVID fucked this whole city. The city's gone square. Everything closes early. It's not the city that sleeps. Oh, it sleeps. Plenty of rest. It's a Cosby city.

A Cosby sweater. Yeah, so now they're just wandering around Brooklyn. I'm like, you're two old honkeys. You're dressed wandering around Brooklyn. I'm like, you're two old honkeys, you're dressed like a therapist. We gotta figure something out here. My parents walking around Brooklyn is the worst nightmare I could possibly imagine.

I'm just picturing a guy stealing my mom's purse, my dad kissing a migrant, I don't know what's gonna happen. And then you gotta be Batman. Yeah, yeah. You'd be a fun Batman. Oh really? Yeah.

I'll take it. I'm Batman. Oh really? Yeah. I'll take it. I'm Batman. I like that Robin. So then I'm like, I'm looking at bars. I'm trying to find bars. So I find a bar that's open late and I go, go to this bar. It's two blocks away. And my dad is like, is it loud?

And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. I'm just Googling stuff. And he's like, all right. So now I'm texting my mom and she's like, we're at this bar. It's like a nightclub, we're the oldest people here, it's so loud,

your dad took his hearing aid out. I'm like, ah, you're just feeling so anxiety ridden and I'm in the middle of the woods in Connecticut. Now has it crossed yours or their minds the three affluent people that are the subject of this story to go, why don't we just grab a hotel for the night? I looked in hotels. I mean, this is crazy. Couldn't find one less than a thousand a night

because it's also, it's also, you know, 11 at night over here. Right. You need to get it that night. So you get a hotel for what? Three hours? I mean, eight hours, but you're not fucking scraggler on the street. Like the, like the Wayne parents, they won't get a hotel. They won't do it. They won't. So eventually- You really are the Costanzas. Oh, it's crazy.

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Get on it! By the way, I've never seen my dad drink a cup of coffee in my life. Interesting. Isn't that weird? That is strange. Every older man drinks coffee. Never seen my dad drink a cup of coffee in my life. Interesting. Isn't that weird? That is strange. Every older man drinks coffee. Never seen my dad have a sip of coffee. Wow, he's high on life. Never seen my mom drink a glass of water either. If we're really getting into it. Not one glass. Well, when we were kids, bottle of water wasn't a thing. Nobody drank water when we were kids. That's a Carlin joke.

That's true. When everyone gets so fucking thirsty. Yeah, like when we were young boys, nobody ever was like, let me grab a glass of water. Yeah. Thirsty. Give me some milk. I kind of, I hope this isn't you Chuck, but I kind of don't love the guy with that fucking tube of water. You could have one, but they, you don't go around with it. I just remembered that I have, oh yeah, he's got the tube right there. Is that water? Yeah. Tube of water I just wanna have a cup of tea Rupert was hospitalized this weekend Dehydration no yeah, well he weighs 950 pounds also he lost 25. Oh, okay. He weighs 925 pounds Wow, no water. What'd he do jump in a pool and all splashed out. Well, that's what he gets for a loving kiss this guy

He needs a kiss of a glass kisses Kiss is your favorite band? You should be dehydrated. Yeah that's true. So... I waited too long. It's Luke Warm. Good. That'd be my porn name. Luke Warm. Yeah, he's not that hot. He's warm. You gotta say that on stage. Luke Warm. That's better than anything you got. Fuck naked. Luke Warm is gold. Alright, I tweeted it once in the 80s didn't catch but So now I'm getting desperate. So my mom's like we got to leave this bar. It's a nightclub They're doing shots on our face and they're there, you know, it's like Mexico where they pour a shot down They twist your head around the strippers there. There's ladyboys. So I go. All right, get out of there

I found another place. It went there like that. They're closing up. They hate us. Now your parents even drink Not really. They'll have a glass of wine maybe. So I'm like, this is not good. So I don't know what to do. And my mom is like, it's OK, but your dad is getting a little, he's starting to fade a little. We've sat on some stoops and we've kind of re, I'm like, ah, you're sitting on stoops at midnight in Brooklyn.

The three of you collectively have to be worth $25 million. Get a hotel room. They won't do it. They won't do it. Put them in a motel. They're sleeping on a stoop. No chance. This is crazy.

I even said go to a hotel lobby. You're well-to-do. You look nice. You look like professors that support Hamas. Go to a hotel lobby. And they're like, it's too close to a hotel. So they wouldn't do that. Send them to Morrill's house. He's got a big house.

So I got a buddy who lives in the neighborhood. So I had to do the painful... Let's think about New York. No one does favors for anybody because we're all up against it all the time. You know, everybody's freaking out. So it's hard to do a favor. In a small town, you can do a favor. Can I borrow a cup of sugar? Can you look at my child in the face? Whatever. New York favors are few and far between. We got favors. You got to get some more favors. Well, you're afraid to ask for favors.

I'm afraid to ask. You have guilt. I told you years ago, I remember 20 years ago being like, I have a car. I'll take you to the airport. And you're like, ah, I don't care. Oh, I can never do that to you. I'm like, what are you talking about? It'll be fun.

Well, bullshit. You're like, oh, whatever. That couldn't do it. See, I got it. The parents. The favor thing, I just had, well, Karen's always watching our baby. The other day she was like, hey, can you bring your box cutter over? I got to slice The parents. The favor thing, I just had, well, Karen's always watching our baby the other day. She's like, hey, can you bring your box cutter over? I gotta slice this thing in half. And I go,

you gotta go, yeah, I keep it like this. Nah, I don't think so. You good to watch the kid on Wednesday? So that's the problem with favors is now I gotta pack up the baby, put him in a stroller, get some wipes, get my asshole, get a steak knife, get a fucking knife cutter. But what's good for the goat is good for the anal, because you do the favor, then she'll return, and now we got a ping pong. Right, and then I went over there, and the box cutter wasn't strong enough to cut the thing. So then you're like, that's still a favor, right?

Yeah. Still came over. Right, good name for a hymen breaking, box cutter. Hey. All right, but. That's better than you got, too So I go hey I call my buddy Matt Ruby. Ruby. And I go hey Ruby this is bad. He's the same age. That's true. I go this is bad but my parents are stranded they're they're wandering around Brooklyn they're lost their feet hurt

they're old they're gay and he goes yeah and I can already hear the trepidation and the voice and I go can they just sit on your couch for like half an hour, I'm on my way back, I'm in a bat out of hell down I-28, whatever it is in New England, and he's like, well I'm not in the city, I'm not in Brooklyn, I'm in the city, I'm in Manhattan, and I go, oh shit, he goes, but I was heading back,

and I go, well head back, I'll get your Uber, so I bought his Uber, got him back,, but I was heading back. And I go, well, head back. I'll get your Uber. So I bought his Uber, got him back, and then they're just waiting there on his stoop. And he shows up and he's like, hello, Normans. They go upstairs. My dad talks his ear off for half an hour. I pull up.

And I had that feeling you haven't had in years where you're like, I'm in trouble. I'm going home and my parents are going to yell at me because I gave them the wrong key. And so you're like, I'm a 41-year-old man driving home. I'm terrified of my parents, but yell at me because I let them get the wrong key and so you're like I'm a 41 year old man driving home I'm terrified of my parents but I'm also need to get there I'm texting with Ruby on the side while driving and he's like don't worry it's fine we're talking I gave them water and I show up and I mean my dad is like a puddle he comes down the stairs to 4-4

walk up by the way oh boy he comes down the stairs and I go here it comes I had that old feeling he's gonna yell at me and he goes see the crown molding on these uh these banisters and I was like yeah yeah we put him in a car we got him back to the house all good. Wow that's not well Ruby how about hats off to Ruby Destination Unknown Ruby Ruby Ruby Soho. Great song Ruby Tuesday. Great record great great album, great band. Ruby Tuesday, also a great song. Yes. And great restaurant.

Ruby D. Yeah, Matt Ruby, way to go. But of all the friends you have, that's the friend. Because Matt can really talk. Like he's a well-versed in a lot of things. He's knowledgeable. He's got wisdom. Yes.

And he's wise beyond his years. Yeah. But isn't it funny how the tables turn? Like you got a rug rat over here, you can't take your eye off him. Same with parents now, parents get old and you're like, they're all alone in the city. If I was like, hey, I'm gonna be there in half an hour,

you could find somewhere to go in Brooklyn, you'd figure it out, but they're old and not from here. So I'm like, they're gonna die, they're gonna get killed and eaten out. Right, right. Yeah. No, the other day, my niece was here and she was walking back to school. My dad's like, I'll walk you back to school. And I was having a panic attack because I'm like, my dad's going to walk through the financial district at 11 o'clock at night by himself. And I just picture, I'd rather be robbed, raped and beheaded than have my dad like stuck up at gunpoint. To have him come back with like his pants ripped looking like, you know, a wet bandit like and a black guy being like,

they got me dad Joe. It's just like, oh my god, in the financial district it's all twisty and turn- it's like where the city began. There's no grid or anything. No, no, it's topsy turvy down there. But for some reason, my brain goes like 80s movies, where I just switch blades. Some guys are like, come over here, kitty cat. You know, give me that wallet. Give me that pocket watch. Which one's the kitty cat, your mom or dad?

I guess my dad. I'm going off of Chinatown. Oh, look at you. Yeah, no, I'm with you with the parents out there on their own. But you made it home. I mean, Matt Ruby. Have you got to take them on the road or something? Yes, big, big, big O. I owe you big there, Rubes. And got the parents home. Yeah, I tucked him in. I patted my dad on the forehead. I kissed him on the nose. We got you home safe.

He's old. He's brittle, Jerry. He's brittle man and so Brittle women, but I want to give a shout out to all the gang that came out to the baby shower you Ruby Morrill the whole gang. I know it's a lot. I know it's a social event I know there's adults there and babies there. So appreciate you coming out quite lovely. Okay 15 minute car ride I didn't eat anything. I should have eaten something. We had some decent grub over there. Wegmans, boy, Wegmans really came through. Nice, yeah, I got a sandwich for,

I brought the sandwich over to feed my child and Sarah's like, thank you so much. And I was like, that's for him. Ooh. You can split it, he's little. Yeah. I brought those cookies. I ate half the cookies I brought.

I really force gumped it. Yeah. I left six. That's pretty good. Six is good. 12, eight, six, left six. Well, when the when the party ended I was like I'm getting one of those cookies. They were gone Yeah, all right. That was an empty box. It was also hard because your parents I feel like I was gonna have to wrestle your dad because Sam got my son a gift, you know, he's a year old

Yeah, but it was a beautiful gift books and a beautiful taxi cab that he loves shout out Sammy boy, but so he gave me that so I put it on our stroller your dad was like, oh no the gifts go over there He's like I understand you brought a gift. That's very nice, but we're putting them over there and I was like, well, this is This is for me and he's like no. No, this is a baby shower Over there. That's it. I was like I'm I'm telling you, old man, this is mine. And he said, it's not yours, it's for my son. You put it over there. So I went and I put it on the table.

And then when he turned his back, I took it back and put it on the stroller. That's what you gotta do. I was like, this man's gonna take my gift away. And I saw him talking. Like, it was like, I saw him through the window, like pointing at me, like to two guys in FBI hats. He's like, this man's trying to steal my son's gifts.

He's hand ratty. I was like, Sam, can you explain to the old timer that these are my gifts? Yeah. But it was a great party, some beautiful babies there too. Yeah, some hot dames, May's got a lot of good looking people around her. That's nice. The family came down, I felt bad. Some people were like, yeah, we drove from New Hampshire, we're driving back.

You're like, how long is that? They're like, five hours. I'm like, you drove five hours, you're gonna drive? I feel horrible that these people have to do that, but I appreciate it. Well, I didn't realize it was such a thing. Like, Sarah had a ladies only, not bachelorette, baby shower at Grove 34.

There was like seven women came and they touched her tits, they had a tickle fight and they left. You had like people in high heels and people from Afghanistan were there. Yes. Yes. It was just a crazy scene, but it was awesome. I thought it was great. Yeah. Well, the house, it was one of those things where the house came together 10 minutes before, like a guy was buzzsawing right before everybody showed up and the turf the turf Jerry that that lawn that backyard was like it was like the Gaza strip it was just rubble and dead bodies and Jews and now that strip came down the fence went up we're all good to go it's awesome and there was something else I was gonna say and watching the house in home alone too because it's like

a construction site it's all row row house, but what a spot, and we're pretty close. Not bad. I mean, I got here in 20 minutes. Yeah, I like that. At 10, we get a coffee. I'm thrilled. Hell yeah. We did it. Geez, how are we looking? We got 10 minutes. Okay. I think what else happened? Parents are gone. That's a nice feeling when they leave. They're like, we're leaving at 6 a.m. so we're gonna get up at 4 or flights at 6. So they went to bed and I realized I'm not gonna see them so no goodbye. So I wrote a long note on a napkin. That's the best. Shoved it the door so they can't miss it and then they wrote a long note back. It was very nice. Oh that's sweet. That's the

way you want to communicate with people. Notes. Love notes. Note in a bottle. Love it. That was the original text. Oh yeah. Took a while. That's three gold bits you got here. Well, maybe carrier pigeon. Yeah.

That was a, was that real? That feels unreliable. I don't know. Really? I mean, I know it's real, but I'm like, did that actually work? You know, like, hey pigeon, go to the other village two miles away. Not that village, this village. It just feels a little loosey goosey. No pun intended.

Yeah, I don't know. I thought about that with like the Braveheart scene with the runners. William, our runners are approaching. Like, he's getting Marathon, that whole story. Yeah. Like, the guy had to run and like remember a message. Yes, yes. He's just like exhausted. He stops to get lemonade. And he's like, I think, what if he gets there and he's like, ah, shit, what did they say?

Are they coming Tuesday or Wednesday? That's true. And he's like, you don't remember? I got to go back. And he runs all the way back. 24 miles. 26.2. There you go.

This was real. It says, one pigeon named Cher Ami saved a group of American infantrymen by delivering a message. Wow. How about that? Cher Ami saved a group of American infantrymen by delivering a message. Wow. Cher Ami. Hey, that's solid. Nice. That's some good voices. Very good. All right, Cher Ami. Good to know, but still, feels a little... If I let a carrier

pigeon go, I'd be a little worried. Especially when it was a dick pick. You send a dick pick out to this broad in a cabin two miles away. You're like, Oh boy, I hope she gets that and not her sister. The nice thing is though, if it's unwarrant, unsolicited, you can blame the pigeon. Ah, hey, you sent me a dick pic. You're canceled. No, no, no. It was the bird. Right. I told that bird 46. Good point. 14th Street. He brought it to 42nd Street.

That's right. Stupid pigeon, cancel him. Cancel the pigeon. Still pigeon. Not bad. I think you got a bit there. I got one more thing here, and this one is pretty wacky, pretty out there,

I wanna get your conspiracy theory, your theory. Oh, I can't wait, cue it on my ass. This is an interesting one. So, Tuesday night, I saw you on the monitor and then I heard your voice. I saw you in the monitor, then I heard your voice, but never got to bump into you. Yes. Yes. I think it was Tuesday. Maybe it was Monday. Monday night, my Trumpet returned to the cellar. I wasn't at the cellar for like a full year because I had the baby and the scheduling and the whole thing. Now I'm a little bit closer, put it at the cellar. Got two spots at McDougal. One was Sam's. He canceled. So I got his spot.

Oh, I love that. So shout out again to Sam canceled, so I got his spot. I love that. So shout out again to Sam, he's really saving my life. Cancel culture. That McDougal Street goes without saying, best comedy room of all time. Can't beat it, lunch. No question. No, it's not even up for debate.

I don't even love the other rooms, but that room never fails. It's number one all time, with the bullet, fucking perfection. Oh yeah. Greatest room just remember McDougal Street. Anyway, so I go down there and it's a fun hang. It's Louie. It's Jeff Garland. It's stars. Yeah, it's Chris Gethard. Hey, who else? Jim Norton.

Hey, Nordy. Mike. Not Mike. Andy Fiore, Greg Stone, fucking Sagalow, Cannon, all the classic ones. That's a good, good gaggle. So it was a great group and the sets were killer. I felt reinvigorated, I felt alive. I felt like a boy again. Louis and I went back to back. He watched my set, I watched his set,

then Soder was after him, but it was too late. I had to go. Jeez, this is a lineup. It was me, then Louis, then Soder. I mean, just bang, bang, bang. So Louis is like, let's walk a little bit. Thisoder. I mean, just bang, bang, bang. So Louie's like, let's walk a little bit. This is a classic night. Let's talk about our bits. And I was so exhausted. I wanted to get home, but I was like, all right, this is classic old time, three sets in a night.

Your buddy watches you, you watch him. Let's bounce bits. Yes. So we're walking South down towards like Houston and we're bullshitting. That bit was great. What if you said this, you can do a callback to that. Oh, I got a good line for that. Oh, that's a good point. And his act is really, I thought I said to him, I'm like, I thought you just had like bullshit. He was acting like- Louie?

Yeah, I thought he had nothing. I thought he was gonna be like looking at notes going, is this anything? But he's got a real 25 bits. Oh really? Okay. It is like primo. Cause I saw him a month ago and it was shaky ground.

Yeah, well it's come together. Well, he is one of the best. So we a month ago and it was shaky ground. Yeah, well, it's come together. Well, he is one of the best. So we're talking, we're bullshitting, and then I'm like, all right, I'm sorry. I got to get a cab. I got to get home. I'm exhausted. My baby, my father's gay.

And so I hail a cab, old school. Now that I live in the city, I can just grab a yellow cab. Hile cab. So I pull up the cab, and then the cab stops at a red light across the street here. We're on Sullivan Street and Houston. So I go, let me cross over to that side. There's a man there, a handsome boy and his admin is say 29 years old. All right. Good age.

Dark hair on the phone like this, old school. He hangs up and he's standing like off the sidewalk, kind of in the street near the cab. And so I had a moment where I was like, wait, is this your cab? And the guy was like, what? And I was like, did you hail this cab? Because I thought I hailed the cab, but I wasn't sure. I want to want to take your cab. And he goes, oh, God. You guys want to make $1,000 right now? No way. I swear to God. Now, I suspect.

Sex traffic? Maybe. There's all those comedy shows over there there's comedy at Greenwich Village there's comedy at CB there's like five places I suspect because he kind of looked at me went oh god you yes and then saw Louie it felt like he recognized me so I think maybe he had a show somewhere nearby. He was on the phone, like maybe someone canceled. It was probably you. Somebody dropped out.

Somebody canceled. And then he saw me and Louis was like, I'll give you $1,000 to do a set. It was like a sitcom. That's my best thought. You didn't question what the money was for. You didn't go, $1,000, what are you talking about? No, well, Louis was like, yeah, we're good, we're good. And I was getting in the what are you talking about? No? Well, Louie was like, yeah

We're good. We're good And I was getting in the cab because the cabs waiting for me So I was like, I gotta get in the cab and I thought Louie's gonna get it with me cuz this guy and he's like A thousand bucks. Come on. Whoa, he never said Hey, I got a comedy show Wow That's a big bouncer ball out there. It's it might have been like a gaze I have no idea and Louie was like, get in the cab, just go, I'll take care of this.

And I was like, okay, you sure? And then I was getting in the cab and Louis was like, get the fuck away from me, get away from us. And the guy was like, oh, hey, all right. And then he shut the door and Louis was like, did like a this and he was just walking up the street and I was like, it was like fucking, what's that Boston movie that's not that great?

But people know? The town? No, Mystic River. Oh. Like I'm in the back of the cab looking at my friend. Oh, Sean Penn back there going. Yeah. I was like, that's my daughter in there. That's my headliner in there.

So I texted him, I was like, maybe he thought we had a comedy show. And he's like, I don't know. He's like, I'll tell you this, my heart rate never went up. That guy, I was ready to kill that guy. And I didn't, it wasn't a threat. He was like a, like a, just a queef that guy. I was ready to kill that guy. I didn't it wasn't a threat He was like a like a just a queef guy Fascinating thousand dollars, but I call in sir cuz this guy's out there hearing this I would think he would but if it was a comic it would feel like he would message us and be like I'm so sorry Yeah, I should have handled that better and he never said like no no no I have a gig. I was show

Yeah, so I don't know if it was Drugs he wanted us to run drugs or fuck him in the ass. Did he look sketchy, shady, cunty? No, no. Nothing? He looked like he might have been drunk. He was like just a handsome, regular guy. He was dressed like your dress, just kind of a dude.

Interesting. Maybe 30. But when I said, oh, is this your cab? He was like, oh. Uh-huh. You want to make $1,000? But maybe he thought I looked like a homo. I don't know.

I don't know if he recognized me or what. Well, he maybe thought that was you and Louis were a couple. Maybe. It's a bit of a mystery. Yeah. What do you think? I think it was a comedy thing, but you'd think he would say it,

but comics are notoriously autisticky, off, little wonky. Possibly starstruck. Ah, that as well. I mean, you got the big famous comedian and you. Yeah. So it's a tough one there but I think it was comedy related. So that's what it felt like but why not be like I'm sorry I'm an asshole I have a show. No no it's a show. Because once we were like get the fuck away from me you'd think he'd be like hey no no it's a comedy show. Of course.

But maybe he felt shame because now like Mount Rushmore comedian and Louie are yelling at him saying, Hey, get the fuck away from me. Yeah. Well, I got bad news for you, fatty. I took the elevator up here and a guy goes big fan. So you're there in the building. Uh, well, you got more fans than I do. I think I haven't been recognized once and, uh, but, but the door

guys know I'm a comic now and they, that's not they didn't address it I just saw him the other day and he goes, uh, you got anything big coming up I didn't know what he meant. So I was like no you're like I got a gig for a thousand bucks Yeah, I'm like no not really and then he's like wow, I'm surprised. You don't think big going on I was like, well, I got town hall. I wasn't sure if he knew I was a comic Yeah, I'm doing town hall and he's like that's you that's big, baby And I was like, okay I wasn't sure if you knew if you were just saying like in general in life. Yeah

Married are you having a kid sure sure divorced? Yeah, but now now do you feel like you gotta be a little funnier around them? little bit cartwheeling hit him with a Seltzer bottle. Yeah, every time I come in my dicks out and I'm like, it's painted. Yeah, I'm Daisy. But I feel like we got to wrap this thing. Oh, geez. Okay. All right. Well, yeah, I get good stuff. But just be careful because the kid in the elevator, you know, it was only three floors, but he was like, big fan. And I go, Oh, I'm going to record. Uh, Caitlin Jenner is breaking records or whatever. I panicked. He's probably telling everybody that you live here now.

Oh, good. It's going to be the Wikipedia. Hey, Mark Dorman lives in Battery Park City. Easy, fatty. Don't give out your location. Well, they know I'm in this area. All right. You're in Brooklyn.

I'm in BPC. Yeah, you know me. It's a little bigger than BPC. That's true. All right, we got to wrap. When's this come out? January something? I think three weeks from now.

Great. I would love to bank with this baby plopping out of there. I'd love to bank a few just because I'll be on duty. Baby bank. Well, podcasting's easier than. I'd say right after the town hall, the week after probably. All right. Early on, you think you're going to be swamped,

but early on's actually not as hard. Really? Maybe sleep 16 hours a day. Really? Oh, that's good to hear. Oh yeah. Okay, I'm really putting it horrible in my mind so when it is a little bad, I'm okay.

No, I mean it's bad but it's good. I do remember wanting to quit the podcast and my life, but that was fine. That's every day. This is the week before town hall. Oh, perfect. Plug this shit out week before town hall oh perfect the doorman of the week of town hall yeah the week we go yeah all right well for Saturday Jesus I don't know the day Saturday night we're sending you back to the future yeah Saturday night town hall get those tickets there's only about 12 tickets left we had quite a last couple weeks

get the tickets and big announcement just announced it's on sale now the those tickets. There's only about 12 tickets left. We had quite a last couple of weeks. Get the tickets. And big announcement just announced. It's on sale now. The Wilbur Theater. Oh man! We're back April 19th. Boston. I'm coming home. Comics come home. Will not have me. I'm literally a Boston comedian from a firefighting family. What are they doing? It's the only thing I'm bitter about. It's fucking crazy to me. I know eight guys I could rattle off who are beneath you who aren't from Boston who've done that. It's really like it feels personal. Like I'm from a long line of firefighting men from New England. Weird. I have a following there. I'm from, I'm a literal comic coming home. So you know what I've decided? They ask me. All set. I'm out. Oh, you got to do it.

Well, if they ask, I'll say yes. But I will be at the Wilbur Theater April 19th. My own goddamn show. I got some fun special guests there. That is strange though. You must have fucked the guy's wife or something. Maybe I made fun of Dennis Leary one day. I don't know, what the hell. Maybe I made fun of Dennis Leary one day. Wow, who hasn't? I mean, I love Dennis Leary. I grew up on No Cure for Cancer.

That's a Louie bit. Fuck you, I live in New York. I'm an asshole, oh yo yo. And yeah, I mean, it's unbelievable. I am the most successful comic to come from Boston in the last 20 years. Yeah. Right?

John Fish. I guess Bo Burnham, but he wasn't like a Boston comic. He's just from there. He never even started there. Jared Freed, Eugene Merman. Yeah. Hey, Goldman. Goldman started in 1993.

Oh, wow. 1993. 20 years ago, it was 2004. Has Bolger done it? I don't think so. Alright, we're a Tom? No. I mean, I don't want to disparage my friends, but I'm definitely more successful than these guys. That's true, but yeah, that is strange. Like, I mean, I don't know, I don't get it. Anyways, I'll be at the Wilbertheater April 19th and Town Hall this weekend, and San Diego,

first time ever, December 5th through the 7th. Great town. Get on Punch Up Live and oh my God, the Tom Dustin movie is gonna be playing in January. Tom Dustin Portrait of a Comedian, I think it's January 9th in Somerville. Hey. At not the Somerville Theater but some other place.

I can't forget the name. Somerville. All right, go ahead, sorry I'm all hyped up. You're good. Poughkeepsie, comeumberville. All right, go ahead. Sorry, I'm all hyped up. You're good. Poughkeepsie, come on by. Torrington, Connecticut. Asheville was canceled due to Helene, so don't come to that, but we are in the North Charleston Performing Arts Center.

We got a Big Fat Sloppy, Inglewood, New Jersey, Wilkes-Barre, and New Orleans, Dallas, Houston, Phoenix, and the Ryman in Nashville. We're going to try to go for the Ryman. Whoa! That's in June or something. Oh, you can do the Ryman. It's not even that big. Really?

It's so legendary. I don't think so. I thought it was, you know, 2000? Yeah, but that's not big for you. That's amazing. That is like the coolest. I mean, you did it with Amy, right? Yeah, years ago's not big for you. That's amazing. That is like the coolest. I mean you did with Amy, right? Yeah, years ago. That is like the fucking coolest venue there is. Very excited. Yes. That is a big one

What do you think is better than the Ryman? I mean less than five places. I think maybe Chicago Theater It's gonna say beacons pretty great, but Chicago theater is not as legendary as the Ryman Yeah, Ryman's old, old op the grand old Opry and That's amazing lynching maybe Carnegie I guess Great, but I mean that is a top five venue. No question about it. Very you'll sell that easy. Hell yeah So we'll see come on by praise Allah queef it up get on the patreon Chuckie boy Yeah, check out my podcast, Fun Bearable with Ray Harrington

and Brad Rohr all November. There's another podcast I work on called Tell Them Steve Dave. Never heard of it. And we're doing that. We're doing crossover episodes all through November together with them and doing a big Thanksgiving episode that we do every year. So check it out. Fun Bearable pod dot com. Hot dog on the bun.

And yeah, the Patreon's crazy. Nate Bargatze, Nick DiPaolo, Eddie Pepitone, Sam Talent. Yes, yes. Spicy stuff on there. Get in there. Get on there. Very spicy. All right.

Louis Caliente. Thank you, boys and gals and they. No one wants to be in town. Up in the heavens when engines cry. Yes.