Tuesdays with Stories! - #579 Broke Hack Mountain

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

Welp - Joe is in the city and he's missing Astoria, everybody! Joe scoops up Luke Mones - to go record his new special! Mark does SEVEN shows in Cleveland and thinks about buying a gun! It's Tuesdays!   Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get a one-dollar-per-month trial period of Shopify at https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays  - Support the show and start your free online Hims visit at https://www.hims.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with Stories everybody. No, that's terrible. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Lesk! Yeah!

It's Tuesdays with stories everybody. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose why I'm... Hey folks, here we are. Happy Halloween! Well I guess it's past. Cut, cut.

Happy election week. Happy Christmas. Happy Thanksgiving. it's best. Oh, geez, don't say that. All right, forget it, hey. Cut, cut. What are you crazy? Happy election week, happy Christmas. No, no, happy Thanksgiving, it's Thanksgiving. Hey, happy, happy turkey day. This comes out in nine weeks, what are you crazy? Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, there, I got one on the way. This Thanksgiving, this Christmas, this New Year's, this is all I got. Yeah, you're down to the nitty gritty. Enjoy those fat tits, those hot orgasms, and the sun is shining because, woo, it's all crashing down. It's all pipes, it's not good. I feel like the scene with George where he's like, live,

damn it. He's looking looking his hairline. Yeah Yeah, get the sleep in but everyone's like sleep while you can but it doesn't make a difference It's like you could sleep you could sleep 48 hours a day for six days Yeah, you're still gonna not sleep when you have the baby. That's true. It's still gonna suck It's not like you go. Let me cash in on some of that old sleep exactly Well people do that to like catch up on sleep when the baby, like you come home and people are like, I'll watch the baby for an hour so you can sleep, which is nice. But it's not like you're like, I'm back.

Yes. It's not physically possible to catch up on sleep. Right. And it's not like you can go, beep. Right. You know, you're going to sit there, you're going to look at your phone, you're going to jerk one out. Well, I'll say this to you, though, because I know you struggle to sleep like I do because our brains are mesh. The best thing that to you, though, because I know you struggle to sleep like I do because our brains are mesh. The best thing that happened with the baby, not the best thing, far from the best

thing, but one great thing is I don't struggle as much to fall asleep now because you're so fucking wiped out. You just out. You guys can see here in a conversation, have a conversation, especially if Chuck was doing the talking. I would pass right out. I would just be gone. Now I got you. So you'll have less trouble sleeping. OK, but you have more things to do when the baby sleep. or just be gone. I gotcha. So you'll have less trouble sleeping. Okay.

But you have more things to do when the baby sleeps. Like everyone's like, which Tony Day is one of the best jokes of all time. You know Tony Dayo's joke? No, I like Tony. The old cliche is I sleep when the baby sleeps. He's like, okay, I'll sleep when the baby sleeps. And I guess I'll just do the dishes

when the baby does the dishes and I'll do laundry when the baby does the laundry. It's like- Funny guy. That's a good joke. Great. It's gone viral a couple of times, but you're like- He should have done the Trump show. Tony.

Yeah. That would have been fun. Clean, suit, nice. Yeah, they got the wrong Tony. Exactly. Something tells me Tony Dayo doesn't quite align with the Trump rally, I suspect. He's getting older.

But he's a great guy. And speaking of which, Tony's a trooper. So I shot the special a while ago. And I just haven't got around to telling the story yet. I can't wait. It was not two days ago. I'll tell you that. It was whatever.

Yeah, yeah. Happy Hanukkah. But that's the beauty of this show. I've been dying to hear about the special. I texted you about it. I want the full juicy scoop. Let me give you the juicy scoop. But while we're talking about Tony,

let me just linger on Tony for a second. Somewhere there was a miscommunication. So Tony and Andy Hendrickson, two of my best buds, great guys, great comics, formerly a story. A story of losing everybody, by the way. I know, I know. Just one at a time, the neighborhood was a cornerstone of comedy. Oh, can we do the list?

I mean, well, Soder's gone, I'm gone, Vecchione's gone, Shane's gone. Yeah, wow, geez. Stavros has got one foot in the grave and one foot in Greece. The buffet, yeah. But he's going to be going soon, soon I think but who else was out there? You know who someone else was out there that I was thinking about? You had Moody McCarthy and Pat Dixon. You had John Fish. Oh he's gone. Ted. Ted Alexander gone. There was someone else big though that lived in Astoria for a minute. Oh really? Who's big? Oh Tim Dillon. He lived in Astoria? Tim Dillon was in Astoria. No, I can't picture that fat homo waddling down the Queens Boulevard.

He's the most Astoria guy. He's got blue collar, he's got the accent, he's fat, he's gay, he's very Astoria. He's all sloppy and chewing with his mouth open. That's Queens. I guess so, yeah. He's a queen. He's a queen!

Yeah. Yes, queen. So Tim D queen. He's a queen! Yeah. Yes, queen. So Tim Dillon was there, I mean think of the, the net wealth, worth, net worth of these people that have left Astoria. I know, they're losing billionaires like San Francisco. Absolutely, and me. Thousandaires.

Yeah, we're talking, Brendon-aire. He's good, he lived there, he's gone. No, how about that? He was a pro. He might not have lived there, I can't remember. He's good. He lived there. He's gone. No. How about that? He was a pro. He might not have lived there. I can't remember. He's in Portland, Maine, though. Great guy.

Brendan Sagalow lived there. He's gone. He left? Yeah, he's in Sunnyside Tits. But anyway, so Tony Dayo, our pal, he has a record label with Andy Hendrickson. Next album you should do with them. They're awesome.

They give you a great deal. Yeah, it's comics. And you're serious money. money. Straight up the pipe. Another round of that. So he's an audio... In addition to being a comedian and past guest of the show, he is an audio engineer. And as soon as I decided to do the special, I said, I'm doing the record with Ghostrunner. That's his company. I want Tony Dayo. Yada, yada, yada. Tony Dayo, I'll see you this weekend.

I can't wait for the shows. Boobily boop, skippity bop. Uh-oh, Chuck's making adjustments. We all right? Tony Dayo goes, hey, I just arrived in Chicago. Can't wait to party. Let's get a set of deep dish pizzas. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Then he goes, hey, I'm at the venue. The production company you hired has their own audio engineer. He's already set up. He's doing a great job.

He's a big fan of yours. And he's like, so I'm heading back to Chicago. What? I mean, back to New York. What? He's like, I would just be doing someone else's job. What the hell? So I called my manager and I'm like, Hey, we got two audio engineers. How fucked this up? This is crazy. And everyone just kind of went, I don't know. But Tony is such a man, a mensch of a trooper. He's like, this guy's, you're in good hands. I'm heading home to see my son. Wow. If that happened to me,

I would be like fucking Earl Weaver. I'd turn my head around and kick dirt and scream and say, fuck you, you piece of shit. I got child, I just flew across. But also how about, that's a good dad and husband. He's like, I'm going back to the airport to fly home. I would have told my wife, oh yeah, I'm recording the sound. I would have been at every titty bar.

I would have been at a whore house, a prostitute den, and a clown shop. Because once you're out, you're out. You're like, hey, they think I'm gone anyway. I might as well milk this. It's two free days. I would have met a girl and made her my own. Yeah, I'd be in Mexico right now just at the craps

table. Yeah exactly it's like I'm heading home like heading home. Wow. I mean I would have been on a slip and slide on the Sears Tower right into a big bush of a fat Asian lady. Hang on. Anyway well there goes the YouTube money. Ah we had a good run. But anyways not really we never get monetized. We had a very bad run on YouTube. We had a walk, Ghostrunner. Well hey, Tony Dayo, I mean I like that because he was probably like, I gotta leave my family, I gotta go do a gig, I gotta fly, and then when you get that out sometimes you're like, I'm out, this is all I needed. There's part of me that's like, he must be annoyed, but also that feeling of, I got two days of work and they'll be like, I have I have no work. Yes, it's not and then like it's not your fuck-up. So you're like great

I'm off and we're still putting the record out with him, but okay But yeah, I was a big flu there, and then I was like I'm so sorry. I fucked up. I'll pay he's like Hey, it's not your fault. Don't worry about it. You're the best and so they're just the nicest people him and his wife and son Sweet man, he's a lunch human good good egg there day oh but sorry but I would have felt horrible just picturing him getting the uber packing flying the other uber oh no it's like awful and then everyone was like I don't know yeah I'm like whatever it feels very 90s like I'll just get the next flight out yeah I love the next flight out guy.

But that's, Pete Corial used to have that great joke about someone dies, and you're like, I'll be on the next flight out, and he's like, the next flight out? Do you know how much the next flight out cost? Yeah, exactly. It's like three grand, he's like, I'll be on the next flight out in 14 business days.

That was a great joke. Why am I doing this? Oh, I guess because he acted it out with the phone. Ah, yes, yes, I thought you were hurting, Eric. Anyway, so, yeah, I'll get into the special. I want to hear where you've been and all that stuff. But the special was awesome. I got a couple little gay stories, but Luke bonus open.

We did Zanies Rosemont, which was fun because I did Zanies Rosemont, I think in like twenty seventeen, twenty years ago. Sal volcano was at the arena with the Impractical Jokers. Woo-ee! He came over, did a guest spot. I didn't even know Sal that well at the time. Wow, guess it. Yeah, it was a long time ago.

Were they like, look at the celebrity here. That was the primo Joker time. Yeah, you know what's funny is like, we talk about this a lot. Entertainment is so splintered. I know. That I was like, this place is going to explode when he comes out. And there was like a little bit of a lot, entertainment is so splintered. I know. That I was like, this place is going to explode when he comes out.

And there was a little bit of a pop, but there's so many fucking people in the country that as big as Impractical Jokers are, I still think you can have a room full of 300 people where 200 people are like, who's this guy? I know. It's funny how that worked. I saw Louie at the stand the other night.

He went up, and I was like, here it comes. You're going to get the big pop. I love watching the pop. Two people, like, oh, that's that guy. Wow, interesting. Isn't that weird? Well, you think about it, I mean, like, you're a billionaire, Tim's a trillionaire, Shane's a quadruple billionaire.

Oh, yeah. My parents don't know who Shane Gillis is. No, no. I've told them who Shane Gillis is, but they don't listen. Yeah, he's like the salt number nine now. He's like wearing crowns and jewelry. He's huge. But any fight, so when I did Rosemont,

I remember saying this would be a great spot to shoot a special. Yes. And this is years ago. And I always had it at the back of my head, like a bullet in JFK's head. Oh, yeah. And I just thought, that'll be nice.

And so this year, I did my big comedy Village Underground trilogy with cats, RIP, and I love the village underground, but I thought I got to mix it up, change it up, do a different spot. Cats will land on his feet. All right. That's good. That is very good.

Hey, go on. Let's take a moment to say that is very good. That is nice. Cats daily. Yeah. But anyways, so I went with Chicago, I said let me do Rosemont, Zanies, and then we'll shoot at Old Town

because it's so god damn beautiful, cinematic. It's so spectacular, it's narrow with the headshots and Leno and all these people and it's red and black and beautiful. And these guys, I gotta give a shout out, I forget the name of the company, god damn it.

Damn it. I was just looking at Chuck, you have no idea. Miramax. No, no, no, no. Touchstone. Hold on, Touchstone. Orion. Wait a minute, Originator Studios.

Originator, the originator. Originator Studios, these guys, they did Stavros's, they did Martin Nubano's, and that's it, but they- Okay. I brought them in, and these guys kicked ass. Willie and Derek, you never meet a Willie anymore. No, it was a white Willie? Certainly, yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

You don't meet a lot of white Willies ever. Wow, the great white Willie. I'm gonna give you a white Willie. Ah, no! Tom. Yeah, the great white willie. I'm gonna give you a white willie. Yeah, white willie and white Derek. God bless you. We love you. These guys kicked. They brought a smoke machine and a makeup lady and a camera guy, a sound key grip, the whole thing. Makeup lady. And it was set up to the nines of the tens, whatever, and Luke

Monas came and opened. Oh, that's the sound and smell of 9-11. Sorry, that went all into the couch. I couldn't get my asshole up off of the fabric. Been there. Sorry, my life. But anyways, yeah, the special was fucking amazing. I don't even have a great story about it.

It was just a great time. We did four shows. The Two's Gays came out, packed it out. The special was fucking amazing. I don't even have a great story about it. It was just a great time. We did four shows. The Tuesdays came out, packed it out. It was hot Tuesday ladies. Yeah. Ugly Tuesday guys. Yeah.

Almost no minorities to speak of, which was disappointing. Yeah. Oh wait, no. Boo. Boo. And, but yeah, four shows. The second show in Rosemont was like the great,

there was one of those ones where you're like, we got it, that's the special. And had some fun crowd. And I'm like a Native American. I'm gonna be like, use every part of the Buffalo. Yes! We shot backstage, crowd work. I did warmup before Luke came out.

That was fun. I'm using it all. So get ready for a ton of content. Punch up live YouTube and this Special is gonna be Hot dogs all the way Wow king of content you got the title. Let me ask a couple of fat questions here All right, so you said you did two at Rosemont to it old town. Yeah, the first Rosemont was a little shaky I heard yeah. Well first Rosemont was a little shaky. I heard. Yeah. Well, first of all, it was the one thing that the audio engineer,

Tony's replacement, who's a big twos get him and his wife, both a couple of gays. Wow. Gay couple. You should think about using these folks. OK. They're very, very good. But anyways, they they were concerned about the AC Slater. Yes. Atlantic City. So they put they turn the air off in the middle of the set, I'm doing this thing where I'm looking out and everyone's like this.

Oh no. It was like Michael Jackson, 86. People were fucking falling down and carrying them out. I was like, can we do something about this? It's a black church. It was great. I mean, it was 1,005 degrees. So I think that affected the crowd a little bit. They ended up picking up steam and being hot the last 25, 30 minutes. Okay. The second show, they were like, we gotta do something. This guy's a cunt, he's worried about the heat, it's crazy. So they turned the AC up to 50 in between shows.

Whoa! And then they come out on stage and I'm like, can we do something about this? Every single person was like this. I'm like, can we just do 65? There we go. Meet in the middle. But anyway, so the first show was tough sledding for a while, Mona's bummed, but the rest of them we all killed.

Heat and cool is such a huge factor, no one talks about it. So New York right now, I guess the global warming, anal climate, whatever, it's hot as balls out there. It's a high of 79. Wow. Today. Remember when Halloween was cold? Yes, of course.

As a kid it was like, oh, I'm wearing my outfit of, who did you dress up as as a kid, Epstein? And then you're out there and you're like, oh man, this is freezing. But now it's Halloween and it's 80. Yeah, and you've got to ditch the costume because it's too it's Halloween and it's 80. Yeah, and the car, you got to ditch the costume because it's too hot. Yes, that's new. You had to have the jacket on back then. It's the opposite of Seifo. Yes. Get your coat. I didn't think Superman had a parka, whatever it was.

But yeah, I think last night, it's late October. Somebody's like, hey, put the heat on. So every club was hot. And I get the guy with the jacket in the club, and the heat is on, he's sweating, the heat is on. It's like that Letterman thing, where everybody's in the heat like, and they're not laughing, cuz they're just too relaxed and too warm. And their mind is off of the show.

Yes. Cuz they're like, I wish it was cooler. Right, right. So it was tough, I wish it was cooler. Right, right. So it was tough. The second show was cooler and hotter. Okay. Ironically. There you go. And then Zany's Old Town is so beautiful,

but it is tough to like murder there because it's tight and long. Yes. And you're so high. I like a low stage, as you know. I like the people right on top of you. And this one, you're very high, but it still was great. We got some great stuff in there.

And we just have so much to work with. It was so fun. Oh, great. And Monas was such a great hang. He's very calming and funny and handsome boy. And the girls love him. The boys are always like, he's not even attractive. And the girls are like, you're retarded.

Oh, he's 6'8". He's very hot. He's got too many teeth smile. Yes, a lot of teeth. Big Jew temple of a man. But let me ask you this. You do four shows. I did four as well for the Netflix.

You get real loosey goosey on those later episodes. Well, especially after the late Sunday night we did Rosemont. You do the late show. That was like the hottest one. So I'm like, we got it. Yeah. So then I said this to the audience at Old Town I was like we don't even need you like we have it in the can

But this is like an audition for you. Like if you guys are hot enough You'll make the cut. That's good. Like you guys gotta be good. It doesn't matter what I do You guys have to be hot and they were like, oh here we go. And so they ended up being great and fun. That's genius. And then You know, like I started doing some silly crowd work shit and that was fun. So I might do a whole crowd work, special's a weird word, crowd work nonsense.

Content. And yeah, sort of. Footage. Footage, we'll go with footage. There's no handage. Yeah, there we go. There's bandage. Boy, we are running out of steam on this show.

No, no, no, the special's exciting. I can't, we are running out of steam on this show. No, no, no. The special's exciting. I can't wait till it comes out and Chuck. So very exciting. And you got, what is this, four in four years? Four and five years, plus two feature films, I might add. Oh, and a baby. And a podcast, and a baby, and a hook shot.

Synergy, we're back. So this is the one that's gonna blow it up all right last three I thought we're gonna move the needle they didn't even do anything this is it this is the one yes I think that now people there's not as much content coming out it's not as many specials coming out it's it's a it's a desert vacuum that's nothing nothing's happening as many specials coming out. That's true. It's a desert. A vacuum out there. Yes. Nothing's happening as far as content and comedy goes.

It's a drought. Nobody has multiple podcasts and multiple Patreons and a YouTube special every 10 minutes. So I think this one's going to right to the top. Oh yeah. I believe it. Well, you have none under a million. I got them all over a million. That's nice.

Yeah. The first one has 10 million. The second one has two and a half million. The third one is one million. So I'm them all over a million. That's nice. Just, yeah, the first one has 10 million, the second one has 2 and 1 half million, the third one is 1 million. So I'm going in the right direction. Well, you're the goat too, right? When I say like, there's a lot of specials out there, YouTube specials aren't what they used to be.

So if I were you, I would shop this Nazi around, try to get it at a rally or a streamer, because I feel like YouTube is starting to slide off the back end. Right, but I still think YouTube is still the most, YouTube and Netflix are the only ones everyone's watching. That's true. We're at a point now where literally your team says, well no HBO, that one's embarrassing. Nobody watches that. That's where we're at. How crazy is that? It's like saying, I meant to get pregnant. Wait, no. Uh-oh. But I'm just saying, HBO was the gold anal.

It was it. It was the pinnacle, the mountaintop. Yeah, now it's like, yikes. You hear about Tony? He's on HBO. Tony Dayo. He blew it. Two nights of a guy.

But you got the sound engineer, you got to make some serious money. I don't know if I'm supposed to say this Maybe bleep the name but uh, he was he put out of things like if anyone has any extra material That you're fucking around with send it to me. I'll put it on serious. So I had some crowd work shit I had some topical shit. I sent it all to him. It's just boom. There you go. I put it up there No kidding. So moolah Mailbox. Yeah, why not mailbox money? But yeah, we'll see what happens with the special. I want to pitch this thing to Netflix

I don't understand Netflix. You got a lot of people on there. I've been on there I was on there nine years ago, and they want to see it They want to see it. So I'm gonna send it their way and say hey shove this in your ass I think it'll make you come. Yeah What the hell you You picked up Ari. He's ugly. He take a shit on the fucking stage. And they're like, to announce this Netflix special,

take this one. Yeah, exactly. Take this special and shove it. Yeah. Now you're going to do a miscarriage or diarrhea. You got to one up them. Yeah. Maybe I'll cum a note that says Netflix.

Cum a note. I like that. But either way, it's, we'll figure out, maybe I'll come a note that says Netflix. Come a note, I like that. But either way, it's coming at you, probably not for another few months. Unless it goes on Netflix, that'll be two years from now. Wow, well on the flip side, last weekend I had a guy open for me and shoot a special. Shot a special while opening? Yeah. Can you say the guy's name? Sean Murphy.

That way Murph! Yes. We love Murph. The uglier list I call him. But he, it's a tough one because you're like, I'm offended but I said uglier. Yeah that's true. Well uglier implies ugly for the initial. It's ugly and uglier.

It's not dumb and not dumb. Well yeah. Dumb and dumber. True. It's ugly and uglier.. Well yeah, I guess. Dumb and dumber. Ah, true. It's ugly and uglier. Ah. That's all right. Well you can be still hot

and have someone be uglier than you. No, you'd say not as good looking. Oh. He should be not as hot, Joe List. There we go, he settled it. Not as hot, Joe List. And he's not quite as hot. All right, we'll go with that.

There it is. The water cup is half full, half ugly. Done deal. Got it, okay, well. is half full, half ugly. Done deal. Got it, okay, well. Oh, he's completely ugly. Oh yeah, so David Tell said he looks like a ladder with glasses, so that was funny. That reminds me of Tom Dustin once said about a woman,

she's all neck. He goes, she's just a long neck of a woman. Oh boy. But that was funny. He's a funny son of a bitch. He sure is. Oh, and David Tell also said Sean Murphy looks like a funny son of a bitch. Sure is. Oh, David Tell also said Sean Murphy looks like a butler in a haunted house, which I mean that is poetry.

That's good stuff. So we're doing seven shows at Hilarities in Cleveland. And you're shooting all of them? He shot all of them. Whoa! Because you can't go wrong. Like you get, we got the, I think he got it in on the second show and then after that it's just bang it, bang it, bang it, tweak it, twist it, flop it, poop it, and uh yeah, he got it. Now is it a half hour special or is it, did he do an hour over the course of the week? Well what's impressive about him is I have material where I'm like that joke needs to go after that or it's nothing, This joke has to go second or it's fucked. This joke has to go at the end. His jokes are so good they can just be put.

So he did a half hour on the first show. Then he did a different half hour on the second show. Then he did another half hour on the third show. And then another, it just, he just kept flipping and flopping. Wow, that a way Murph. Yeah, so we got it. We sold it all out and you get a nice check and it's so nice over there and it was one of those magical weekends. Maddie

Weiner is in the small room, she's fun. She should be in the big room. Well, I was in there. Well, on a different week. I see. I'm not saying you should take the small room. You should do a duo. But then Jordan Fisher was at the Funny Bone. Hey, this is a Cleveland Funny Bone? It used to be the Improv. Oh, right. It's kind of a BLCK room. Yeah, Urban.

That's right. Uptown. BLM. So all right. So they had him over there. So we all did the big lunch. And after every night, we'd all meet up and drink and hang out. Oh, that's great. I love Fisher. I haven't seen him in a long time. Great guy. That's a handsome boy. Yeah he's cute. Very funny, handsome guy. Light-skinned

brother which I think is a positive in the world but great guy, funny guy. We hung out, we talked comedy, we chopped it up and it's weird I pulled your line. I was like we could do this in New York. I know. But we need to fly somewhere, get a hotel, and then we'll hang out. It's the classic thing. People are like, you're in town, I'm in town, let's hang. And I'm like, we lived down the street from each other.

I've never seen you in my life. I know, exactly. I had that, yeah, not that long ago. Someone was like, let's get together, have lunch. I'm like, what are you talking about? Yeah, yeah. We've lived in the same city for 17 years. Zero lunches. I know., what are you talking about? Yeah, yeah. We've lived in the same city for 17 years. I know. Zero lunches.

I know. But it's fun on the road and that Maddie Weiner, I say it all the time. I gotta say it everywhere. So someday when she's on a private jet, you know, fucking the Beastie Boys, I can be like, I told you so. Yeah.

She's gonna be the biggest. She's got it. She's got it. She works her ass off. She's so funny, makes me LOL. And yeah, Maddie Weiner, go follow her, get on it now so you can say you were there big fan Yeah, I popped in I would do my set then between shows. I'd pop it on her show. Just kill it in the small room Zingin and zangin she's a pro she's going play and I think she's like 18 or something. Yeah, I met her

She was underage. I think she was 19 or 20. Good for you. And yeah, too old for me. But now I think she's 24 or 25, something like that. It's crazy. She's got a head on her shoulders. She loves comedy. She's fun because some comics, I'm

not going to say any names, but you're like, hey, that one Louie bit. And they're like, who? And you're like, Louie, the comic. And they're like, mm, Louie. I don't know him. Right. And they're like, all right, what are comic and they're like mmm Louie. I don't know right. You're like, all right What are you doing here? Yeah, she knows her stuff. Yeah, so we had a great weekend flew back got upgraded I'm diamond finally

Peach no diamond in Cleveland, but next year this year this year right now. Oh, wow. Okay. Do I lose it when the year flips? Yeah, but you should have had it all year. I just got it. It starts in January. Oh. No, that means it starts next January. If you just got it, it starts in January. Oh, okay. Well, it says diamond on the ticket. Well, then you've had it all year. You can't just get diamond in the middle of the year. I got an email. Hey, you've been upgraded to diamond or you made it fatty I think this year goes to next year unless I'm gay Cuz I'm dying this year and I got it for next year But either way he's dead and was a hack and a thief from what I understand and a porn star. Oh

Wow, you know, it doesn't import everyone star. There's no porn extra. There's no porn character actor That's why I star and point could this be a bit why is pop porn and star put together? I think it's been done. All right. I've heard it, but it's a good point. But I've never heard porn actor. Yeah. You just hear porn star. Right. But I guess they star in the porn. Ah, but they were comedy stars. Yeah. We star in comedy. I star in a movie. Am I a movie star? Oh, yes. So back to porn star doesn't make sense. Now it's no good. Well you have to have degrees. You can't all be porn stars because I haven't heard of Haffey and Haffey getting fucked in the ass. That's what I'm saying. I got fucked in the ass in my movie but we cut it. It was Louis J Gomez this scene. You gotta put that on the Patreon. That's

not a bad idea. Wait is that real? He didn't fuck me in the ass. What I mean, you have that scene? Yeah. What? I think we played it at Skankfest last year. Wow, is that real? He didn't fuck me in the ass. But I mean, you have that scene? Yeah, I think we played it at Skank Fest last year. Wow, broke hack mountain. Hey folks, this episode of Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Shopify. Great name. The holidays are coming up and your business needs the number one checkout on the planet. Make the switch to Shopify and watch your sales skyrocket. That's what we did. Boost your conversions up to 50% with Shopify's ShopPay.

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is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Back to the show! Um, yeah, I did Cleveland. It was super fun. Seven shows. We did two Friday, two Saturday. Wait a minute. No, two Friday, three Saturday, two Sunday. Wow!

That's a hell of a weekend. You get so much out of it, Jerry. I mean, you're really working and grinding and you're in the green room dicking and docking and you're like hey here we go I got something and you try it on stage it works it doesn't work. These theater gigs are great but you can't, if I was doing clubs this whole time I'd have a new hour. Right. You're telling me. There you go. This is the beauty of not being successful. No. But yeah it's so fun. And that's why I shoot specials. People are like, what did you do?

You got another special, blah, blah, blah. But I'm like, I'm tired of these fucking jokes and I wanna tell new jokes. Right. Things happen to you that are funny that you're like, I gotta go tell this. Yeah. And then all of a sudden you're all mumble jumble

because you got too many jokes. You're like, let me shoot these and put them over there so I can work on these babies. Because that's the real fun of it. That's the fun of it. It's not once you have a completed act, it's not fun. Well, it's fun to get to kill. It is fun to kill. That's true. It is fun. It's still fun. But it's funner when you're like, I got this thing. It's three days old. I figured it out. This is so fun. I can't

wait to tell this. Because sometimes you kill, it's like the Colin Quinn thing in Comedian, when you're killing and miserable. Yes. That's when you know your act is good. Yes, so true. You're like, ah, big deal, that worked. God, he's got some wisdom. He's got the most.

And I get the fun part is working on it and trying new and all that, but don't you feel bad when the new isn't there yet and you're bombing? Or at least that's me. I'm just like, oh, this isn't where I want it to be. You picture yourself going up there and like finding it and having some like epiphany and great moment where you're riding the waves and you do it all new, beep bopping and scatting off the dome. But for me, it never is that. Well, I guess what I'm talking about is it's fun when you have new that's working. Obviously, it's not fun to be like nothing. Ah Shit. Yeah, sorry. That's not as fun. Yeah

But it's fun when you get it cooking and you're telling a joke that works for the 11th time instead of for the hundred and seventy fifth Yeah, that's really fun. That is the best good point And you think you start to shape it you're like wonder what this is gonna look like. Yes feel different This is gonna be queefy and gay. Now you, I feel like, I don't wanna blow you too hard. Please blow. I mean, we are on the casting couch here, but I feel like you, and I might have said this before, you feel like you turned some kind of switch where you're like, went from

good to I know me, I know my voice, I know where I'm at, I know how to make this mine, I know how to make this funny immediately, I'm cooking. Yeah, I feel cookie. Yeah, cookie cookie. I'm a big cookie cookie. Well, you start to figure it out and feel it and say this is gonna be funny, this is a funny thing. I think, I don't know, I don't like to talk about it

because I feel like I'm gonna lose it. I know, you're right. You don't wanna talk, once you start talking about it, you're like, I sound like an asshole and I feel like you don't want to jinx it. People are like, how do you do it? I'm like, shut up, don't say anything. You're not going to jinx it because it's in there.

I can see the change. You go on and you're loose. Nick Turner, once years ago, I noticed he went from good to great overnight. And I go, what happened? What flipped with you? What changed? And he goes, like good to great overnight. And I go, what happened? What flipped with you? What changed? And he goes, I'll never forget this. He goes, I used to be nervous about going on stage.

Now I can't wait to get up there. And it changed my whole mental state. Well, I definitely feel that way all the time. Every time I say I'm like, whoever the opener is, it feels like they're doing an hour. You're like, oh yeah, I just get off so I can get up there. I wanna have fun. And it's my highlight of my day.

I enjoy it the most. On the road anyways. Here it's with my son. But you're just like, yeah, it's fun. Especially when you're selling tickets because now they're there to see you. Which for the first, that's a big difference too. For the first whatever amount of years,

15 years or whatever, it's people that just came to a show. Now it's filled up with your people and you're like, this is gonna be great, because they're excited to see me and I'm excited to see them, so it's a big fucking come love fest. Yeah, come on my ass. So that's a big difference and yeah, I just, I love it.

I do love it so much. It is great. And I'm grateful for everyone that comes out. It's like, you feel touched and loved, you do a meet and greet and everyone's so kind. Oh, I did comedy on state leading up to Zanies, which I've said it a million times. We always say it. That is the best club. And this is what I want to do. I want to have every, I hope we're not getting too inside baseball here and I have a couple of stories. But you want every club owner and

manager to come spend a weekend at Comedy on State. Yes. And be like, can you do this? Because so many clubs treat you well. Because Luke Minus was like, who treats you bad now? And now we're at a level of success where you never go into a club that's treating you poorly. Sure.

That's for the B and C clubs. We're not really doing those clubs anymore. We did it. We may end up being back there someday. You got that right. But this club is above and beyond. Yes. They go, they got menus, they go get, first of all, they have pop a shot.

They have a fucking, they have, what do you call it? Putting, they have a putting green. They have a pool table. They have a record player. They have acoustic guitars. They have Nintendo. 80 inch TV, anything you want. The fridge is stocked with booze and cokes and soda

and there's snacks and there's an extra bedroom, Jerry. You can go sleep in there. Total privacy and also everyone's so goddamn nice to you. I know. And then they have a clock that ticks up. You're like, why doesn't every club have this? Tick not hon. No need for a light, no need for confusion,

no need to go over, just a big digital clock counting up and they fucking, what's that word we tried to think of before? They cultivated a crowd. Cultivate! They start right on time and they throw people out if they're loud. Yes! It's just perfection, that fucking club.

And the crowds are great, That's the other thing. A lot of people have either like, hey, great crowds with the staffs, a bunch of cunts, or hey, great staff with the crowds or whatever. They have everything. They got the killer crowd, the killer staff, the killer room, it's right in the town. It's out in the burbs under some fucking overpass.

It's the best. And then the Greek gals are a nice little cherry on top. Yes, they're very lovely. And it's just a great, great time. So I had that, and that I did Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday, and then straight to Zany. So then you talk about Wacky on a special. The last show we taped was the ninth show in five days.

Wow. So then you're just like, I'm tired of my ass. I started getting cuckoo and crackers. And I think it's gonna show. I think it's gonna be a good special. All right. I can't wait. I mean, it must have been hard to make that transition from boy to girl and

from Madison to Chicago because those crowds are so hot. Right. And you're just zinging and zanging. And then all of a sudden you get to Rosebond and you're like, oh, Rosebond's good, but it ain't state. Well, the whole, after Thursday and Friday at Madison, I was like, boy, I really should have shot here. Because they're so hot.

But also, they also, it's another thing they do, they have a four camera shoot and they have a switch, this guy Jesse is switching, just sends you the clip. I'm like, even if the Chicago, that was the other great feeling of Chicago, the whole crew died or, you know, I died or the club burned down. I could just take the footage that they give you for free. That's true. In Madison. Yeah. Unbelievable.

Now, did you get railed on price? How do you feel about your price for the shooting? You feel like you got a good deal? There was a lot of fucking money. Ah, but. Oh, I made money and hopefully you make it back. I'm spending a lot of my own money. I've really turned into Louis minus the millions of dollars and the scandals.

Yeah. And the success and the fame. Yeah. Scandals and animals. But yeah, I don't want to say how much between the Tom Dustin movie and this special, I can whisper it to you after the fame. Yeah, scandals and animals. But yeah, I don't want to say how much. Between the Tom Dustin movie and this special, I can whisper it to you after the show. Oh, I'm nervous. That poor child is going to be homeless. Well, make it back.

All right, I believe in you. I think if you get the white guy deal at Netflix, I think they'll scoop you right up. I'd love to get the deal. There you go. Did a half hour 19 years ago. Woo! Nobody saw it. You think that would

be a nice stepping stone? I don't think anyone knows about it. No. Didn't do great. You know you can rip that and chop that up too by the way. Are you allowed to rip? I ripped. Okay. I ripped it like a hymen. Alright I'll rip. Let me just throw this at you. Please. I gotta stop taking edibles at night because 100% I've been this... What? You have a baby? Not yet. But I got this big house now, you've been there. I sure have. And I'm I don't I didn't think of this I'm getting triggered to my old childhood because I lived in this big house that was a construction site and it was robbed all the time. Right. So I

was a kid like I could hear robbers below me in the floor below. Yeah. Come on Jack. Yeah. Get that computer Jack. There's a lot of Asian gangs over there but yeah they would go through and then you come downstairs and like oh the pantry is ripped open the TV's gone they ate ate the food, you know. So I have these like trauma from that. Well, do you have a security system? It's in the mail. It's in the female, so the future is female.

So every night, you know, there's house sounds. The house is like an asshole. It just goes, wah, wah, wah, throughout the night. It's like a gassy lady. And I'm hearing these sounds. is like an asshole. It just goes, waaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr you're like, ah, who's here? And then you do that sheepish, hello? Anyone there? I look at the lady, she's out, you know? So you're like, this is my duty, I have to protect her, so I have a sword over the bed.

I know, and you're sleeping on the third floor. Top deck. Yeah, now that's crazy. This is why I never want a house, I never want to move, I never want to live in the sticks. The city, it sounds crazy, but it's safer, because you got two floors to, you have to scan, what do they call that when they the FBI or whatever they

night vision, they scale the RoboCop, they scan the sweep. Sweep. You got to do two floor sweeps. Yes, yes. I'm not getting any sweep. I'll tell you that. But so I have to do like the, why the door closed? So then I look under the door to see the light,

if there's any movement. Oh, that's scary. So now I'm at this level, and then I'm like, all right, fuck it, I gotta go down there. Creak the door, you just picture an ax, coming right to the noggin. So you creak the door open, nothing there. Turn the light on, then you picture a guy

gonna run away or something, and I had to go all the way down. Now I'm at the bottom floor, it's dark, and then I'm high, and then you go, I have to check the cellar. Oh boy. The basement! You're going all the way to the village? Yeah. Hi folks. Woo! This is how it all is.

I have to go all the way down to the basement, and you know, I get down there as a family of migrants. No. But you do the whole thing, you just picture a guy behind the boiler and then you turn the light out and you go back up and the whole time you're expecting a dart to the neck. Yeah, you're like Kevin McAllister, dart to the neck. What are you in, West Africa? Nile. I'm in denial. So you go back up and you do this and then right when I get back up the stairs, the cat jumps out of the darkness and attaches to my neck. I threw that thing in the fucking garbage disposal and I got the hell back to bed. But I'm all,

you know, you get no sleep because you just, every noise, every panic attack, you're like, just come rape me already. Get it over with. No, that's spooky. And I've always said this, sleeping on this, I've never been in a home where I slept on the second floor. Yeah. I've never been in an apartment on the second floor. Sure.

But that's different. I've never had a two-floor home once my whole life. Yeah. And there's something really spooky about what is downstairs. I think if I had a house with two floors, I would sleep on the bottom floor. I'm thinking about it because it's too scary and then here's the clinker.

So the workers come in every day at 830. And I never want to get up that early. So they don't- I noticed. They don't have a key. So I go, let me think about this. So now I'm up at 5 AM with the scarys. I unlock the door. I left my front door unlocked so

they could get in that's where I'm at in life I'd rather get to sleep and get raped anally by a hobo then have a safe house. Well where's your wife? Upstairs. Doesn't she wake up and look at the door and open the door? Yeah yeah sometimes uh-huh but sometimes she doesn't. Well you might want to get over this because you're gonna have a child if you're spooked by the ghost, he's going to be ghosted by the ghost. Yeah, yeah, that's a good point. You bleeped that.

Whatever it is. Yeah. But yeah, I know, I know. I got to man up. And I did do the search. They say the real bravery is when you're scared and then you overcome. Right, of course.

Instead of just overcoming. Right. Or back coming. Whatever it is. But pre-cum. But I still went down there and still did the full thing. But I think maybe I'll get a gun. That's hard to get in New York, I think. That's true.

Yeah, I don't think you want a gun with the baby. I know a guy. Well, they can't hold it yet. They're little. That's true. It's a little strange. Yeah. I think it'll be okay. Get an alarm system. I think it'll be all right. What about a little strange. Yeah, okay get an alarm system

I think you'd be all right. What about a knife by the bed? What do you think about a knife? What about a bat? Well, here's what you do. This is what we have a bat with a big sock on the end of it And you know why you put the sock there no Because that way if you're catch to come if you're well catches something Uh-huh this way you put a big long sock on the bat. That way if the intruder is a big fucking asshole, he catches the bat. You can pull the bat from the socks. You get another crack and he's left holding the sock. That's big. Yeah, I read that in the Bible somewhere. Wow. So you put the sock on the bat and just in case they catch that thing, they just whoop, they got the sock. Whoa. And then

you hit him right in the head with the sock. Uh huh. The police come and say what the hell is this? And I said I don't know, I socked it to him. You ever heard that old Jimmy Kimmel hack where he says- Yes I have heard him. Life hack.

Oh he says he has a shotgun under the bed and the first shot is bird shot. Meaning like it'll just hurt the guy. It'll be like- Bird shot on me the other day. Folks! You know the bird, meaning it'll just hurt the guy. It'll be like- Birdshot on me the other day. Folks. The guy will just be like, shit, it burns. Second shot is a live round.

Interesting. So then if you have to, you shoot him with the birdshot. He goes down, maybe you hit him with the butt of the handle, and you kiss him. And then you kick him out of there. And if he really keeps coming, now it's on. Well, Sarah always had a funny bit idea about, you know, you don't want to have a gun so you're like, I got a crowbar instead.

And then you're like, but now you're just bashing a guy's skull in. Right. With a gun it's like, ah. I always said that. With a bat you're like. Yes. Exactly. Because Canada is always like, hey, we don't shoot people, we stab.

But I'm like, yeah, but that's way more intimate. You gotta look the guy in the eye, you're going in and out of his abdomen, there's blood squirting on your face. I always say it's like breaking up via text is the gun. Stabbing is breaking up in person. Right, what is this Canada we stab people? I never heard that. Big stabby cucks over there.

I think they have guns up there. No, I think they got some hunting stuff, but in the Toronto, it's all knifey. Oh, Toronto, I see. Yes. Happy knife, happy life. But yeah, I've got a gun if you want, but I think New York, it's tricky.

And now you have a gun in Brooklyn. If someone breaks in, now they have your gun. Yeah. You got a baby. You're buying a gun and a baby. It feels weird, but. I'd say number one, death. Household death is your own gun.

Oh, yeah. I mean, there's plenty of stats. And I'm all going to get called a cuck, homo, piece of shit. And the comments will go wild. But yeah, gun in your house, I think it's like you're 90% more likely to kill someone in your house, in your family, than an intruder. Well, I'll just leave it under the pillow when I sleep.

I mean, I wouldn't have it out. Right, but in general, you wake up, you're high, and you go, here comes somebody, oh, that was me, and then you're free. That's not a bad option. No, now you got something there. All right, all right, maybe I won't do the gun. Yeah, I wouldn't do a gun.

Throwing star. I don't think you should be a gun guy. I'm not a gun guy. I would do this. Yeah, you'd be all quivery and kooky. It wouldn't work. And I'd clean it and put it in my mouth as a joke or put it in my ass. As a serious... Maybe some throwing stars. Yes! Yeah, but the problem is you throw it and it goes over here and the guy goes, I'm going

to kill you now. Right, a throwing porn star. Hey! Folks! Bringing it all back! This is both our punniest and most racist episode and it's kind of fun. You think so? Well, for me, I'm throwing some real stuff out there.

Yeah, you got the ghost of the spook. Africa, Jack, S-word. What are you going to do? What is Holloway and it's spooky? Yeah, good point, we're having a nice time. There you go. Now how to do? What are you going to do? Yeah, good point. We're having a nice time. There you go. Now how about this, can I throw one at you?

Throw a star at me. Well I had this happen the other day, this is like three weeks ago, which means six weeks ago if you're hearing this. I was out in Royal Oak, Michigan, which is one of my favorite. I always do so well there. Love Royal Oak. Those people, I do so well in Royal Oak. They don't even give me a, they give me the big cardboard jack. They come in like, here you go. Oh, love that.

I love Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. Those people take care of you. Hell yeah. I love that, that clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk. They got the sliding castle door. They sure do. It's the Comedy Castle. Which by the way, I probably say it every year, Mark Ridley is credited with creating the three-person show. Get out of here! That's him! Wait, host, feature, head? That's him, yeah.

Whaaaaat? Because before that, you had like your Phyllis Diller and Joan Rivers and Lenny Bruce doing a concert. And then you had the improv in the store doing a showcase. He was the one that was like, we'll have a weak piece of shit comic that we won't pay, do 10 minutes up front. I like it. We'll have an okay ugly comic, make four bucks in the middle. Makes sense.

And then we'll have the headliner come out and do 45 an hour. Wow. And he may or may not suck. Well that was what, the 80s? I think 80s, early 80s probably. At his club? Yes.

Wow, that's big. Yeah, how about that? That's something. Another interesting thing about Mark Ridley, comic council, he works, he books one day out of the year. Like September 15th, he books 52 acts. Doesn't open his book again. Whoa.

So if you're a comic that wants to crack in there, you gotta get them just on the right day or you missed it. That's a crazy move. He works one day a year. What if you cancel, comic that wants to crack in there, you gotta get him just on the right day or you missed it. That's a crazy move. He works one day a year. What if you cancel? That can't be right. This happened last year. I had the baby and I was like, you know what?

The baby's coming. I shouldn't be working. I'm too close to the baby. Let's reschedule. And my agent came back and goes, all right, you rescheduled for the same date the next year. Wow. Yeah.

So you gotta wait till he's doing his big gay work day. That's right. That is kooky. I mean, I picture him closing door, putting a big lock on, getting a giant cup of coffee. He's got eight whiteboards, like, mind is beautiful. And his wife's like, ah, I fell down in the tub.

And he's like, shut up, you whore, I got the big schedule day. He's like, all right, we got St. Morrill on Wednesday. Yeah. And if you call on the 16th. That's it. Good luck next year. You're out, yeah.

It's just a goodwill hunting of just all these little Ari Spears and oh, there's a fortune Feimster over there. He's got all the, it's like a serial killer cop den, you know, where they got the string going. Yeah, I think it's like Jerry Maguire on draft day or whatever. Right. Just making all the calls, get me two, give me Johnny Utah, give me two, and two lemonades and Meatball Sub and we got it. What a lazy cunt. I mean, he's got these, I work one day a year, that's it. 364 days, I need open. That would be a funny movie. We could shoot that. That's funny.

The idea of one day it's a comedy booker and he's calling all the agents, he's got his thing and all the comics are calling. It all centers around this one guy and you have all these characters. That's funny. The open mic are trying to get booked, the old headliner that can't come up with a thing. That's fun. The angry wife, the kids are like, dad, I miss you. And he's like, shut up, it's schedule day. That's the poster. He's got the cord around him kids were like dad I miss it he's like shut up it's schedule day

that's the poster he's got the cord around baby shitting on his head yes sucking him off and he's like oh yeah you see the Sun come up you see the Sun go down he's like I did it now I got it in the Sun goes down on him the daughter eats him out sure I could put all that in yeah we should put this in

a chat GBT and there's your movie. Oh, yeah, that's not bad We should be utilizing that more don't you feel like I feel like that's out there It's it's it's ruining jobs. It took over my accountant my lawyers gay, but I'm not using it. I don't even have it. I can't look at it. I'm scared of I'm scared of it It scares me, but then I got all these people being like, if you're not on it, you're falling behind. I'm always falling behind. Same. I'm not even falling behind. I'm just remaining behind.

I like behind. Okay. It's my favorite kind of sex. That's fair. Yeah, from behind. Someone behind me. Yeah, I tried to sign up for ChatGBT and it asked eight questions and I gave up. I was like, I need ChatGBT to sign me into ChatGBT.

I know. I told you that I had to write a recommendation letter to get this apartment. I spent two and a half hours on the fucking thing. Wrote it, had Liz sign it, and then Lewis J. Gomez was like, write a recommendation letter for Joe Liz, from Liz, and it went vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr an asshole we're out we're done yeah what is it free chat it's free they're like premium parts of it I see yeah yeah I'm sure you get but I think the free one sucks Ronan told me that he used the free one and the free one stinks then you get the three dollars a day one and it's like unbelievable that's how they

get you three dollars a day it's a price of a cup of coffee whatever I don't know not in this neighborhood it's not that's the price of a cup of coffee. Whatever, I don't know. Not in this neighborhood, it's not. That's true. It's fucking brutal out here. It's crazy. Everybody's leaving. Well, let me tell you this funny story. Leave it. I just got here.

Karen's not leaving, is she? No, no. So great party yesterday. Was that fun? Great party, good times. I didn't think you were coming. There you were all of a sudden. I don't know who made you, what happened,

but that was exciting. I'm like Jon Stewart. I'm unpredictable. You never know which way I'm going to go. That's true. But we had a beautiful first birthday party for the baby. He had no idea, but boy, you, it was a star studded event. Ari Sam, the other guy. Yeah. A bunch of other Chavone, Matt Wayne, Sarah fee has poor and again, uh, Katie Hannigan, Mike Vecchione, my dad. Whoa, I'm sorry I missed old Stevie. He was there when you were there. I didn't catch him.

Yeah, he keeps a low profile. He blends in. It's him in a bush. I can't tell the difference. Well, if you missed him, he was like this. Ah, was he? Okay, I saw that. I thought that was a random tourist who was taking in the ocean.

I didn't know that was him. Geez, I feel bad. I walked right by him and pushed him into the sewer. I had no idea. It was a great day, but let me tell you this quick one, Royal Oak. Yes, yes, Oak. I'm out there.

This is a classic comedian thing to me. I hope this translates as a story because it feels so comedian to me. Big J J Royal Oakerson. It really makes me laugh. So I'm out there with Matt Wayne, my homeboy, my number one pal, and we're sitting at a diner. There's a great diner in Royal Oak. I forget the name of it. Something family restaurant, a bunch of Greek bitches. I know it. My daughters, my daughters. So we're sitting there eating and the conversation's just, it's just two comics that have been hanging out for 75 hours straight. So we're sitting there eating and the conversations just it's just two comics that have been hanging out for

75 hours straight so we're on the topic of crocodile Dundee holds up where it doesn't hold up and So Matt Wayne's like I just rewatched it. It doesn't hold up that movie sucks It stinks, and I don't really know Dundee that well. I saw it when I was a kid It's false the people's heads. I remember yes subway, and that's not a knife, this is a knife. Yes. That's all I really remember. It's the ultimate fish out of water. You've got a guy from Australia who's like a woodsman, or what do you call it, a crocodile

hunter basically, and you pop him right into the most busiest, craziest, diverse city in the world. I remember the poster. The poster's very effective. You've got the skyline, and he's pulling it like it's grass. Yeah. Good poster. Good poster. It might be the most 80 and he's pulling it like it's grass. Yeah. Good poster. It might be the most 80s movie of all time.

It's very 80s. So that's a great poster. I don't remember the film. I don't give a fuck about the film. He's got, I don't care about like I'm out of my element here. Right. And everyone's like, shit motherfucker. And he's like, this is a knife.

It's just gay. I don't care. Yeah. Happy knife, happy life. So he said, you know, it doesn't hold up. I watched it. It stinks. And I said, maybe I should watch it. And he's like, I must have been one of these movies that actually sucks. But when you're a kid, you think is good. Yes. Like I love looking up. This is our time down here. I love

looking up. And one of those guys became a powerful lawyer. Chuck. Chuck the Jew. Yes. Chunk the Jew. We should call you Chunk, that works. Now there's a movie, Chunk the Jew. Chunk the Jew. Now there's a picture. We got two movies out of this pod.

Yeah, it's pretty good. Chat GBT. So I like to look up old movies when we were kid and see what the rotten tomato, what adults were saying. Like Ace Ventura has like 4% rotten tomatoes, everyone's like this is a piece of shit. Kramer this fellow is a piece of junk, goodbye. So I look up Crocodile Dundee and I say Matt, take a guess what the rotten tomatoes is on

Crocodile Dundee. Why don't you take a guess while you're thinking about it? Rot tomatoes on Big Croc,, it did crazy box office. Blew the roof off my tits. They made a sequel. I'm going to go 64. OK, so that's what he guesses 21% because he's like, I think it sucked.

And we might get a fact check from Chuck here. But it's like 92%. Fact check. So I go, it's 92 and we go, what? Oh my God, that's crazy. Really? And while we're having this Crocodile Dundee, I go, well, we gotta look up Crocodile Dundee 2

and he's like, I actually like that one better. That one's the better film. So I go, all right, well, what do you, I look up Crocodile Dundee 2 and I'm quite surprised by the Rotten Tomatoes and this and I go, what do you think it is? And he goes, let me think. And while he's thinking, you just oh no call the ambulance oh my god whatever

we turn and some big fat asshole who's eating the same breakfast as me pancakes and cinnamon roll and eggs and bacon just goes whoa timber collapses Tim Burton falls down sm smashes his head. His head's bleeding. He's having a seizure. There's a lady sitting on this side of the diner. She goes, I'm a nurse. She punts her kids.

She got three kids, kicks them, runs over and like does a Marty McFly slide to the guy, starts doing CPR breathing on them. Call nine one one. The Greeks are like, what do we call the police? I don't call the police, oh my God. I can't do voices. And we're going, oh my God, this is nuts. The ambulance comes and then he's dead.

He's coming too and you just hear, how long was I out? And she's like, oh my God, honey, you're dying. Is he gonna die? And then you're like, kinda like, you're like, well, I don't know what to do. They call the ambulance. He seems fine. Seems okay, he's getting up and he's fat, know what to do. They call the ambulance. He seems fine. Seems OK.

He's getting up. And he's fat. He's going to die. That's what you get for being fat. And I just turned him out and I go, so what do you think? Rotten tomatoes. And he goes, I don't know. 75%?

It's like 14. And so now we're just having our crocodile dundee rotten tomatoes. And there's a guy, they're doing surgery. They're giving him stitches, and they're lifting his legs to get blood to the head and head to the blood. Wow, she touched my leg.

And so it's just classic that you're like, I don't know, I got nothing. What do you think about the crocodile? So we're back to Crocodile Dundee talk, and then we were laughing, because I'm like, everyone in here is going to be telling this story. That's right.

For days and months and years, and we won't even remember it, because we're so dead on the inside, and there's so much traveling and running around. Royal Oak, this is a big happenings. And we're just kind of like, well, he might die. Also, you're a couple of New York queefs, so you're in there, I see this three times a week

on the L-Trade. Absolutely, I mean, I saw a guy shooting heroin into his own asshole in my apartment yesterday. Yeah, sorry about that. But also, I think, too, what do you do? Like, you know, people, there's a couple moves you can do, the fake stand up. You guys okay? The fake stand up, because it shows you're attentive, you're doing something, but you're

not actually doing something. It's kind of like when you cross the street and a car's waiting for you, so you go, you're not actually going faster, you just lift your shoulders up a little bit. Right. But that goes a long way. I feel like with a girlfriend, when they come with you like, I had a miscarriage, you gotta go. You okay?

Yeah, get him an apple juice. Yeah, the okay doesn't do anything, but it does go a long way. Right, yeah, and it's one of those things. And then there's a nurse lady, now, if it had been just us, maybe I would have called 911. I would have went over and talked to the wife and tried to make out with her or whatever while he was out conscious. But you know, someone's on it. There's a nurse.

It's 911. There's nothing left to do except talk about Crocodile Dundee. That's it. And the sequel. You know what you could have done? This is kind of a cool guy move. You all right, man? I'll get your bill.

Oh, I don't think so. All right. Just try to think of some way to help. That could be on the restaurant. And then he was he was doing the classic American thing where he comes to it. He's like, Don't call. I don't need an ambulance. No ambulance. And you're like, so you just passed out and fell down on the ground. Yeah, you do need an ambulance. You can't just be like, I'm tired. I'm with that guy. I don't want to go to the hospital. Well, no't want to go to the hospital.

Well, no one wants to go to the hospital, but you should really probably have a quick exam of some sort. If you're big and fat and you're just, you know, it's not normal to just be at breakfast and keel over. That is a, it's a good point you got there, fatty. Might want to look at that as a red flag. Yeah. What do you got there? Yeah. I think it's 89 and 14. That's my if I remember 89 how about that recall? Huh? It's good nine nine Uno digit I've got it right here in front of me nine Wow, how about that nine percent of reviews were positive Wow? I mean two is a heap of garbage It's like Puerto Rico. Oh boy.

Alright. Two is really bad. Matt Wayne is off his rocker. He should be killing over in that diner after saying two is better. Well I gotta check them both out and I'll get back to you on this. But yeah one was a bit, I remember that play to the Norman household on loop baby. Wow you guys are from the south. That's kind of like Australia. Yeah. Well, I think in the 90s, Australia was weird. That was like a whole nother land that you didn't go to. It was too far. Right. Then after a while, air travel picked up and

you can pop right over. I'm going in August. Oh, how about that? Yeah. Have you been? No, I was supposed to go the days before the covid shutdown. Ah, now I got a bambino, you can't, what are you gonna do? You can't be on the plane for 22 hours. That's true, that could be tough. Yeah. Eh, we'll make it work.

You drug him. So when are you going? August. Oh, that's plenty of time. Plenty of time, but I'll have a six month old. No, nine months. Nine month old. Eight month, fuck.

Even worse. Months are tricky, seven months. Thank you. Seven months, Thank you. Seven months. Final answer. So yeah, can you bring a seven month on a 22 hour haul? Is it better when they're young or is it better when they're older? They sleep a lot. It's better when they're young, they sleep on the plane.

Now he's away. I mean, he's slept a lot. I mean, I've flown, I've had 18 flights with this kid. I mean, multiple six hour flights, no 22 hour flights though. I mean, that's a long time. That's a lot of diapers and breastfeeding and all that shit. And you had that diarrhea debacle. I've had a couple of those, yeah. Yeah, boy. All right.

Well, we gotta wrap this thing up with a bow here. Shit, how about the president? They're elected. They might not even be by the time they're listening to this. It's gonna be a tight, tight vagina. Yeah, you can feel, I'm like, we shouldn't be talking about this because it's already out, right?

Yeah. But you can feel the desperation of like the both sides of like, we, it's crunch time. We gotta make this happen. Oh, it's crunchy. But people are gonna be upset by this because they're gonna be like they recorded this alright alright cut that, cut that, it'll be interesting

alright well yeah something happened election happened we don't know it's tight it's gay my father's gay I've been turning the news off I haven't watched it I have no idea who's president hoping it Yang. Yangy! Well we got some big stuff coming up. I assume the town hall is over. Yeah, this will come out on the 11th, I believe. Oh, wow.

Good lord. OK, well, this weekend, I'm back in Key West with Sam Tallent. What? I got the movies playing Sunday afternoon in Key West. Williams Hall might be sold out. It's the Key West Film Festival. I'm down there all week for that Whoa, we're gonna be all over there I'm gonna have the beret and the sunglasses and my cock out cuz it's Key West. Hell yeah

And Sam Talent was already booked so we're just doing the shows together So it's me Sam Talent Sarah Talamage. My parents are coming my uncle Dale It's gonna be nuts uncle Brian uncle Doug all the firemen are down there What a lineup so come on down for that and then December 5th through the 7th, first time ever working San Diego American Comedy Co. Oh, you're going to love it. I keep hearing nice things. And then January, I hit the road back hard and fast and wet. I got Montreal coming up for the first time in a long time. I don't know my other dates. Kansas City is in January. Fuck, I really should have my book with me. But definitely have Kansas City

coming up and San Diego and the Patreon is fucking ripping and roaring. Oh, April 19th Wilbur theater in Boston Patriots Day comic. The real comics come home, comic comes home, April 19th, I'll be there with Belzon and Richard Belzer and I believe January 8th, or January 9th, we're playing Tom Dustin, portrait of a comedian in Somerville. Whoa! I gotta get the details of this, but look on my web, look at PunchUpLive.com, it's all gonna be there. Subscribe to our Punch Up, subscribe to Patreon.

Where are you? Oh Nellie, I'm all over baby. I am at the Poughkeepsie Opera House then Torrington, Connecticut on Saturday, which I don't know where that is at the Warner Theater, but come on out to that, not selling well. Then I'm at the North Charleston Performing Arts Center on the 22nd in North Charleston,

but Asheville was canceled due to Helena. So don't come to that, but we are doing a Protect Our Parks that day. So we scooped it up. Then I'm going to NOLA for the Big Turkey. Then a lot of Dates in Providence, Comedy Connection, most of it sold out. We're adding shows, I love that club, I love that state, Inglewood, New Jersey, Wilkes-Barre, Dallas, Houston, and Phoenix for now, and then the Ryman in March.

So buy the tickets to the Nashville, the Gashville, and get on the Patreon folks and go through the website called Patreon.com. Thank you. Patreon. That's the website. Patreon.com. We're about to do one right now. What do you got there, Chunk Jew? Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable with Comic Ray Harrington. All through November we're doing crossover episodes with Tell'em Steve Dave, so that's going to be fun. This weekend I'm heading to Rhode Island Comic Con to moderate a Friday the 13th panel with Kane Hodder in a Reno 911 panel with the whole cast of Reno 911. So those will be up on the fun bearable feed really soon I'm sure. That's exciting.

So check it out. Funbearablepod.com. Alright, that's it from us. Thanks for coming along for all these years. Hootie hoo! Praise Allah, clean it up. That's it from us. Thanks for coming along for all these years. Woo-hoo! Praise Allah. Clean to them. You have worked so hard to make your business into a reality, but achieving your next business goal can be overwhelming.

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