Tuesdays with Stories! - #581 Earth, Wind & Farter

Episode Date: November 26, 2024

Joe officiates his SECOND wedding in recent memory and then MURDERS at Town Hall the same weekend! Mark goes to Chicago and meets the big man - LD, Frank Costanza’s lawyer - Larry David!!! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with promo code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com  - Support the show & get 20% off all mattress orders at https://www.helixsleep.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me And I can't choose what I want Woohoo! Here we are on a windy day in Manhattan. Boy, is it windy out there. I moved to this neighborhood. I know nothing about it. I can't afford it. My father's gay. I went, the wind is like blowing my baby out. He's gone.

I haven't seen him since this morning. Baby's out. I'm on a bike like dumb and dumber. I'm like, snot is flying. I got a blonde man hugging me. Oh, my toupee flew off. I need Maury's wigs. They don't come off.

Our toupees are falling off. And I came in, the door guy, I was like, whew, it's brutal out there. And he goes, welcome to Battery Park City, wait till January. And it's the second time he's given me a wait till January. I've gotten two wait till January. So I might have to be a snowbird and go do cocaine in Miami.

Jeez. Did he say that before the insurrection? Wait till January. It's going to get real bad. No insurrection this time, baby. No cheating whatsoever. 2016, no problems. 2024, no problems.

Only year that all the cheating happened was the year Trump was president. Isn't that interesting? How do you like, wow, I don't wanna get into this. Isn't that interesting? We're a second in here. The afternoon, yeah, no problem. But isn't it his fault then? What's that? The

one year all the election happened that the cheating and the thing and the rigged and all that. He was in office. Oh yeah. Two times it didn't happen. He wasn't in office. So he's to blame. Coincidental. Very interesting. Anyways, I'm happy to have him. The old commander in chief. Oh yeah. People get upset but I'm happy to have him the old commander in chief. Oh, yeah. We're gonna get upset, but I'm like, that's him. I'm quoting him. Yes, I am just quoting him. Don't get mad at me.

Right. In 2016, he won. There was no problems. Yeah, 2020. He lost. Everything was cheating. Yeah, 20, 20, 21. No cheating.

Oh, yeah, that's him. I'm quoting him. So don't get fucking pissy with me. Yes, grab me by the pussy. Anyways, it's he won no cheating. Oh, yeah, that's him. I'm quoting him. So don't get fucking pissy with me Yes, grab me by the pussy. Anyways, it's windy is the point What a day out there. I had a burger at Wendy's the other night, but yeah, it's it's a wild one But we're here. We're queer and climate change is really saving us. I mean, it's beautiful out. Is it beautiful? It's nice. It's a blue sky and it's sunny but it's 58 degrees except for the wind it beautiful? It's nice. It's sunny. It's a blue sky and it's sunny, but it's 58 degrees, except for the wind. It's a nice day.

How about the drought? You had a forest fire in Prospect Park. That's right. It was way overblown. I went and checked it out. It was not bad. Yeah, but the forest fire in Jersey, were you guys getting that? It was crazy over here on Saturday.

We came home Friday night after Kander's wedding. That was something. I didn't see you there. Oh, I was in the corner. Okay, DJing. I'm looking for you. Yeah, I need a shit job. There's some bad music, but uh Yeah, Friday night we came home and I thought my tits were on fire. I was like this is doubt fire It was wow. It was like 9-eleven out here fires on the East Coast. What's good? This is Trump's America. What the hell? I think they'll all be out by January. Don't worry. Once he signs in everything's gonna be hunky-dory wait till January Be out boy. I'm nervous about this this hood during the winter. I'm gonna need a hood. What do you mean? It's just wind It's like this

You know what it is all the the big space station over there. It's just a big wind turbine Oh, yeah, it's like a it's like those. what do you call that, wind tunnel? A wind tunnel. Where they go, and the guy's mouth is flapping. It's funny, we should've seen the baby, because the baby doesn't know what wind is. He's just like this. And he's kind of laughing and smiling. It's hard to, how do you explain wind? Yeah, well he doesn't know English either. That's true.

So we got a ways to go on wind, but yeah, I'm with you. Stevie Windwood, I mean like, the concept of wind, I still don't, I never get it. Why is it windy here and not over there? Yeah, whatever way the wind's blowing. You hear that, Dylan? What is the wind? I think it's air off the water, something with water.

Well, it can't all be water because Nebraska's windy. Is it? There's some wind in Nebraska, I'm sure. Someone at some point has had a windy day in Nebraska. Tornadoes! It starts with water and then it moves, Jerry. So the tornado comes from the water? That's in Oklahoma.

Yeah, maybe you're right. Something with the Badlands. That's South Dakota. I see. And North Dakota, Wyoming. Either way, I blame the Jews. Yeah, I think it's their fault. Chuck, can you look up wind?

What's wind? Yeah, what is it's their fault. Chuck, can you look up wind? What's wind? Yeah, what is wind? Is it just God blowing? Is it a quiff from Mother Earth? It's always so strange because sometimes, why is it windy one time and not windy the next day? Yeah, it is strange. Then there's Windy City Heat, then there's the Windy City.

Which has nothing to do with the wind. That was named after a politician. Oh, really? Walt Windman or something. Oh! I didn't know that. Okay, what do you got on wind? It says wind is moving air and it's caused by the pressure differences in the Earth's atmosphere. Ah, the pressure. It's all about the pressure.

It's like a fart. Low pressure, hot pressure. Yes, you build up and you got to get the pressure out. A fart? I thought you said foot. I was trying to... Oh no, it's like a fart, you know, it's the- Breaking wind. There you go, look at that! It's Earth's farts.

Yes, Earth, Wind and Fire. Earth, Wind and Farter. Yeah, there's your title folks. There it is, Earth, Wind and Farter. Now, I mean, I like riffing, you know, me and you, we like to riff and do, but I am dying, Jerry, to hear about Saturday night. I mean, can we just get right into it? I mean, should it close? But I can't sit here for 45 minutes and pretend like I'm not waiting to hear what happened. It's been a wacky week. I got so

much. I got too much. We could do nine, nine EPS here, but I got to hear about town hall. I could just see through the photos that it was magical. I got Louie there, I got the hottest set of your life, Sarah's hugging you, she never hugs. Well let me just zip right through it because I gotta get to the LD Saturday night. I purposely have not reached out too much because I'm dying to hear. Okay. So Town Hall, big, oh it was a crazy weekend. My whole family was here. Friday night was Cantor's wedding. And I just kept looking all over for you. I was around.

I officiated. My second officiating gig in a month. Wow. You want an officiant, I'm your man, or a speech, whatever, I'm for hire. Great speech. At weddings. This is a pro boner, by the way.

You're not getting a dime for any of this. He gave me some cigars. Okay, okay. But I gave him like 300 bucks. So it's a net L for me. Yeah, it's a wash. But I get to see my old pal, Marcus. Oh, yeah. Always a pleasure.

So yeah, I went and officiated this wedding. And it's very exciting. It's nerve wracking. I had a dry run with Chavon because I don't care about his wedding. That's the open mic. So Cantors, I went and let me tell you this. If you're going to do your own vows, work together.

Oh, interesting. Because this woman, you know, she, Bethany, my friend, I mean, she went deep and long and hard and it was beautiful. It was like a poem. It was like a Walt Whitman, Ralph Waldo Emerson beauty. Wow, Walt Windman. There it is. And Cantor was fine. But I mean, she crushed.

Oh, that's got to suck when the non comedian crushes. I mean, she crushed in every way you can. Laughs, tears, emotion. And she had a book with like seven pages handwritten, like in calligraphy. and he had a note card like Bargatzi with like some chicken scratch and I was like, oh boy and I got a big laugh cuz I went well Bethany wins this round I got a big laugh. Oh nice, but it was still great I mean his was great hers was it was just hers was like

Unbelievable and then I tried to speak from the heart and I queefed it up, but we ended up all Locking in at the end. It was a beauty. Hell yeah. Boy, we danced the night away. What a fun time. Uncle Dale was there. Hey. My friend Bart and my parents, they left at about 5.45 PM. Wow, there's a lot of minorities in this town.

Right when the dancing started, you just see just right out the door. And I got to get back. It's a five hour drive. No, no, they were sticking around for the whole weekend. Oh, shit. What are you going to do? Where was the actual venue? Houston Hall, right by your old same place as your bones, right by your old neck

of the way. Weird double time over there. Like across the street from Louie's old house, which I can reveal now he moved. But oh, that's right. That was a great pad. Yeah, it was a good spot. But right across from Film Forum. Yes. Anyway, so that was fun. That was a great pad. Yeah, it was a good spot. But right across from Film Forum. Yes. Anyways, so that was fun. We danced the night away. We ripped it and then forest fire that night.

So then Saturday's the big night town hall. What a weekend. But it was tough because so the wedding, you know, you stay up late, you dance the night away. You can't just leave at 9 p.m. like my parents. I'm the guy. So I got to sign the paperwork, hug Cantor, and then his father, his mother, his sister, his cousin, his friends from the bar. Like it takes 45 minutes to leave. Yeah. And then you get out

and you come home. My sister was babysitting. So we catch up. We tell her all about the night. This was crazy. That was fun. This was gay. She was hot. Her tit fell out. Mom blew dead. Yeah. Then you finish that thing, then you get in bed with your wife, then you get a brief with her. Yeah, a lot of briefing, boxer brief. So so much briefing. So you get there, you finally finish,

you go to bed, it's 1.30, the baby wakes up at 5.15 a.m. Oh, what a kick in the dick. So now you're on four hours, plus you're buzzing from the wedding. Yes. You know the buzz. Buzzfeed. So I'm on no sleep. Then my whole family's in town and they're like, let's we want to do that. Half them want to go to this.

Three of them. They all have like travel diarrhea, even though they went 180 miles south. Hmm. Like they have like scrambled eggs and they're like, oh, something's not sitting right. I'm like, we had eggs and hash browns. It's just a different town. It's crazy. And you would thought we went to Guatemala and drank the fucking river water. Right. What happened? Flint.

It was just crazy. And that's the one gets better. And the other one, oh, I think I'm feeling better. The other one. Oh, I had a taco. And everyone's got you got to work. There's like 12 of us. I have a big family. So you got to work on everyone's shit schedule. Right. My mother's got a bad knee. My dad's got, you gotta work with, there's like 12 of us, I have a big family. So you gotta work on everyone's shit schedule. Right.

My mother's got a bad knee, my dad's got a bad dick, my sister has a bad eye, my father has a bad ear. It's just, everyone's got a bad something in the shits. Yeah, it's a bad company. So bad company. I can't deny. They have a, the band has an album and song, all bad company. Like this is bad company by bad company from the album, Bad Company.

Very not creative. You guys got to branch out there, comp. Fun band though, you got Feel Like Making Love. Yeah. Don't you know that you are a shooting star. Fun band. Anyways. So yeah, so it's a stressful long day and then we go to PJ Clark's and

you're like, all right, get the burger. This is a burger joint. Everyone get a burger. You're going to be happy with a burger because my family with the food is not, people think I'm picky with food. They literally think I'm Anthony Bourdain because I eat fish. I'm not even joking. Like they're like, this motherfucker will eat anything. I'll eat salmon and jizz. So they think I'm sure they think I'm you know, whatever. Those is weird. But I love jizz. Yes, it is good.

This is good. Salmon, Merrill. But hey, that's not bad. There you go. Next special. Because you are a shooting jizz. So we go to PJ Clark's and then that's fine. You got 14 people and then this one.

What do you think about this one? 14. The waiter is a tweener. Trans? Yeah, I don't know. Non-bi? I think a non-bi. I see.

Nery. Wow, it's PJ Clark. Well, it's the city, you know. That's true. But fantastic job. But I did the thing where I go, hey, when you bring the check, you bring it over here. I love that move. And then I look over and my dad's got his like, you know, fucking Harbor

One local bank card and he's swiping away. I go, what the fuck? Hey, Nicky, what the fuck is this? And he goes, hey, well, they go, hey, he pulled the dad card. And I'm like, he's swiping away. I go, what the fuck? Oh, hey, Nicky, what the fuck is this? And he goes, hey, well, they go, hey, he pulled the dad card. And I'm like, he's broke. But I pulled the give it to me card. Yeah. And he's like, he had the card out. I was like, I had the card out. I was holding the card. I said, bring it to me.

Interesting. And he's like, oh. And then he's like, kept joking. But I was like, no, I'm actually mad. Yeah. Yeah, I get you. That they were like, well, next time I'll skip a boat and I was like this no no no Yeah, I said bring me the cart at that point. You gotta go He blew it Take that. How do you like getting screwed over? How about that?

But anyways that was delicious. I end up getting dinner later. So town hall. Let me get right through it Wait, what was that bill? I mean that PJ PJ Clark 14, that's got to be North of a Thou. No, everyone's getting burgers, couple beers. Okay, couple beers. Well, I went out later, we had a hefty one, but it was still light. All right, all right. But anyway, so we go to Town Hall, the Town Hall. She messed up the transaction. All right, all right, last one. I could go for a little transaction. She was kind of... Sure. kind of fun. That's like a threesome Yes, that's something I have a simpler bit. Oh damn So it is something and I guess it's something yeah

But anyway, so we go to the town hall, which is very exciting And you know by the way, we filled the fucking thing out because everyone kept being like, well, 1200 out of 1400, but that's pretty full. I mean, that's 80 something percent, I guess. I can't do percentages. Maybe 90. Yeah, maybe. Well, seven at two.

So there's 200 missing out of 14, so that's one seventh. Yes. So that's a... Really missing 200 clams there. Yeah, 200 of 1400. So 200 of them. If it was seated at 1,200, it would be 20%. Right, right.

Right? So it's under 20%. So you're in the 90s. We're in the 80s. Oh, we're in the 80s, okay. Something like that. Probably like 83 to 84%. Ah, shit. Yeah, well whatever. Pretty good. Pretty very good. So so anyways so it was all filled up oh and it's very exciting Chuck was there to shoot some behind the

scenes Salak uses there I got the text from Salak use hey I'm not on the list which is annoying because I put him on the list but he smooth talks he could get in anywhere he's a slippery queef I wasn't a list either I just would talk my way into the list I didn't bother you though either. I had to smooth talk my way into it. You seriously weren't on the list? I didn't bother you though. Wow. I appreciate that. Hey, that is nice. That's crazy.

No list. My management team stinks. Stinks. Your name is on the list. We had a 14 minute conversation on the phone. It makes me fucking w- I'm going to start cracking whips. Crack whip! Crack a beer.

Whip it. Good. Alright, let me focus here. Crack a beer. Whip it. Good. Do do do do do do. Boing, doong. All right, let me focus here. It's a great room, huh? It's a special room. You're in Midtown, the theater, the seats, the curtain. It's beautiful.

Well, it's crazy to be in Times Square on a Saturday night. It's so bizarre. It's like nuts. I haven't been in Times Square on a Saturday night since I was 11. No, it's a big, big mistake. I mean, it's not good. Maybe since that bombing.

True. Well, we had another one those Saturday. I don't want to name names. But it was just awesome. And we got there early. They hoarded a bunch of pizzas for us, which was great. Matt Wayne was there. Sarah, of course.

Sarah was dressed hot, too. I saw the shorts. Had some shorts and the thing and the boots. It was a number. And then Fiat got there at $6. Shirts and the thing and the boots. It was a number and then Fiat got there at 655. Sounds about right. Love the Fee, best pals, but you're like, it's a big gig. Is this not a big gig for you? Huge gig. Also, that's what I would rate her on a hot chart. I'm like, it's traffic. I'm like, my agent's like, it isn't Karen

on the show. I'm like, yeah, yeah, she'll be here. Don't worry. I'm like, are you Axl Rose? Yeah, come on 658. Well, she's got to put her hair in and her ass Yeah, it was it was a wild scene. We had quite a hang back that we had Chuck and Sal and Wayne and then Louie Simonson whoa Louie and Simon's assignments. It was Louie's date. They sit row H center They think you died and went to heaven. So I'm doing my bits. I'm having this show of my life and I look and I just see Louie CK and Daniel Simon's and my two favorite comedians, Gaffari.

Oh, good. Because that sounds like hell to me. I don't want those two funny guys judging me. Well, a couple of times I just heard Louie, you know, comics laugh inside stuff. And it was just unbelievable. No real story. Just the hottest crowd, the best crowd. And I did about an hour and two minutes and everybody fucking

kill. It was literally the best show of my life. And then I was furious because again, my management said we could film. So we had Chuck with a nine camera shoot and at 430, literally, they're like,, oh actually you can't shoot It's $1,100 to shoot and for some reason I just went oh, okay Never mind then and then you have this best show of your whole life and afterwards I'm like, it was 1100 bucks and Louise like that's nothing. Yeah, I'm like, why didn't I just pay the $1,100? I was making a lot more than that, Right. And you're like, I should have just paid it. I would have had.

Forever, you'd have this footage. I would have had the footage of the best show ever. Ah! In front of 1,000 people in New York City on a Saturday night. I'd be the same way, because you just hear that big charge. You go, oh, OK, forget it. Well, also, they present it as you can. Yes.

Again, I love my manager, but I would have been like, well, hold on, hold on. Right. Maybe it's worth it. 1,100 bucks, hold on, maybe it's worth it. 1,100 bucks, not that much, then you have it, that way in case it's amazing, but you just went, ah, you can't do it, it's 1,100. I'm like, oh, okay, nevermind then.

I would have done the same thing, but you're right, that's worth it. But also, I'm on my way there, it's a half hour till I'm there, so you're not thinking properly. Yeah, damn it. Well, you could do the old me and just go, oh, yeah, well, we'll not film and then film.

Well, we got we snipped a couple. Yeah. They're fucking harsh. I was backstage filming Joe and the guys like, you can't film the stage. And I'm like, I'm not. He goes, I can see a little sliver of the stage in your. Whoa. He was like, he was following me all around the venue. Whoa. Well, that and also, I got there at, it was a 6 p.m. sound check.

I get there at 5.59. It was like Field of Dreams. I tried to walk out in there like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you gotta wait till six to even step on the stage, even though I'm gonna be out there for an hour. Union cuts, they got these dumb rules, I hate it. I know, I'm such a pro-Union guy until I do those gigs and I'm like, maybe I'm a Republican. Exactly. But anyways we're getting rid of unions in a few months. There

you go. I got it. Only can get a fucking billionaire scab in the office. Yes. Anyways. Gabrielle Union. But anyways the show is amazing, incredible. Afterwards we go oh this is the one funny thing that happens so we go downstairs after and everyone cut this actress Tara Pacheco from 4th of July came and Doug Smith was there hilarious comic very handsome boy Matt's wife was there my whole family's there my bus my buddy Bart is there with his wife Chelsea and everyone's there I'm glad hit my management team Danny Frankel is there shout out punch up Up Live. Hey, Punch Up! So, it's just like Ben Shapiro. They look and sound very similar.

Oh yeah! You ever notice that? Yeah, little short Jews who talk fast. Yeah. Interesting. And smart guys, too. Right. With both, every once in a while you're like, what?

Yeah, well they both hate the gays. But anyways, yeah, so great hang. And then, there's just a group of young, hot people. Looked like they were probably 27, 28 years old, very attractive, like two women, nine guys. And they all have red backstage passes on. So I just walk over and go, hey, thanks so much. Thanks for coming. Nice to meet you.

Looking good. Okay, great, nice. And they go, oh yeah, okay. And then I go back to hanging out and the people are just lingering there. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. It's Louie and the family and Sarah and Karen, everybody. And I look, I'm like, who are these fucking people?

Why are they just at my post show hang? With passes. So I go to my manager and go, hey, can I talk to you for a second? We go over and I go, what? Who are these people? Yeah. He's like, I don't know.

They not your people? But I'm like, I don't know those people. This guy stinks. They got backstage passes. I go, do I? He's like, maybe they won a contest or something. I'm like, do I owe them? Should I be taking photos with them?

I don't understand. Contest? So then he goes over. Sweepstakes to get into your show? He goes over and talks to them. He kind of shoes them out. Turns out, they're there for the next show. There's get into your show. He goes over and talks to them. He kind of shoes them out Turns out they're there for the next show. There's a 9 p.m. Show. They're there for that show So I just walked over they have no idea who I am. I just walked over was like, thank you very much Nice to see you. It's a lot of hard work

Just gotta keep your head down and Yeah, if you want photos I can sign your shirt And they were like what? Were they Asian or anything? I'm just picturing a bunch of Asian business people like, oh, oh. I think they were like Swedish because I heard them, they were talking, they were like zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop my favorite places. It's like a theater, Italian place, you order family style. Hey, all right. We got a nice big round table, Uncle Dale and his wife, my parents and my niece and

nephew and Sarah and Bart and his wife, Chelsea. And I really took the, I spearheaded, which was fun. Yes, yes. So I'm a regular there. I say, hey, like, can I give us two chicken parms, one baked ziti, one spaghetti, because I love family style. It's so nice. And the ladies like to watch you order like that.

Oh, I think it was, I think it got me where I needed to be. And then I said to the guy, and you bring me the check, and if you give the check to somebody else, I'm going to be fucking furious. He brought it over and I went, whew, whew, whew. And my parents are like, now we owe you money. And I'm like, but you bought tickets, you came all the way down. Yeah.

It doesn't make any sense. And sometimes you want to be like this. I have money, you don't. I don't care. Exactly. Exactly. What are you talking about? Right. I know I'm your son, but I'm like, I just made what you make half of your yearly allowance or salary. Right. Let me buy a food. I buy spaghetti. And you got the PJs. No, he ended up getting the PJs. Remember? That's what I'm saying. He got the PJs. Oh, he got the PJs. Sorry, I was yelling at Steve.

He got the PJs. He got the PJs and you didn't get the film. Yeah. So you got a little cash in your pocket. So, yeah, I'm saying he got the PJs and you didn't get the film yeah you got a little cash in your pocket so yeah I'm like this is this is whatever so now they're like we're gonna get you back in Key West I'm like alright whatever the fuck okay when my son gets older and if he's successful I'm gonna say you buy the fucking meal you son of an onion. Bring it on I wiped your ass for six years. Absolutely. Maybe 16. Alright that, that's it for me. I'm zipping it and throwing the key because I got to hear about LD and Chi-Town. Well, I got a couple things to say.

First of all, I'm so proud of you. Thank you. For this, I mean, you packed it out. And then the pair, I feel like you and your parents are getting a little warmer. Am I nuts? Maybe not a hug or a chit chat, but they're coming to shows,

you're going to Key West, you're going to dinner, you're looking at your dad. Well they've always come to the shows, but what they said after the show. Alright, hit me fatty. Ask me. Hey, what'd they say after the show? Absolutely nothing. Oh. Literally zero. And we're back to square. Chuck, you were there. I mean it's just zero. And then Louis came over and he goes, wow, you guys must be so proud. That was like heroin. That was one of the best shows I've ever seen. Unbelievable. You gotta be.

And they were like this. And then there's a moment. So I just start telling a story. And Louis was like, that was weird. I was like, I can't, like, nothing. And then the best you get from my family, other members of the family will go, the people behind us were dying.

We can never get that. They don't say I was dying. How hard is it to say that was amazing? My son climbs up a flight of stairs. I have tears welling up in my eyes. I tell you, I'm proud of you, that was amazing. You just climbed stairs. I fucked 1,200 people standing O.

Good night, everybody. I got emails from Louie and these people being like, you know, what you've done with your life. And then your parents, they just go, all right. Fascinating. I mean, not even like a wow. Yeah. Not even, not even good show. Wow. We. Very strange. What if you go, what'd you think of the show? What do they do? What if you prop them up a little bit? I'll do that every once in a while. Did you enjoy the show?

They go, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was good. I thought it was great. And then they'll immediately pivot to Sarah was great. Sarah killed. Oh, interesting. They'll say, I had never seen Matt. He's funny.

And they'll say the people behind it, we were next to a guy that was howling. They always bring up people around them, which I guess is them being like, of course we liked it, but the guy behind, I don't know. Right. But it's just something strange. They just don't have it in them to say, amazing.

Yeah. And you'd like them to say, beyond that, you'd like them to say, we're so proud. Yes. You pursued your goal and you've reached, you're up at the top of the, again, I've done better than 99% of any comedian, any person that ever tried to do comedy. Yes. I've done better than 99% of any comedian, any person that ever tried to do comedy.

Yes. I've done better than 99% of them. Right. You think they'd be like, unbelievable. And as Alan, our therapist says, even if you sucked. Yeah. Even if you made $100 a year. You'd be like, that's unbelievable.

You're really trying to do the thing. You went for it. But it's okay. I'm over all that shit. All right, it. But it's a come over all that. All right. I don't know. I don't need that anymore. You just go, OK, I just I got myself. I go I sit there and go, that was fucking crazy.

Louis CK just came and sat in the audience to watch my show. Unbelievable. I want to say I said, you want to sit back. And now I want to sit in the crowd and watch the show. Wow. That's a good. I could see just from the photos, I could see the joy. I could see the love. I could see the magic just in the crowd and watch the show. Wow, that's a great. I could see just from the photos, I could see the joy, I could see the love, I could see the magic, just in the pic. So it was oozing out of your eyeballs and your asshole. Well, yeah, Salak was really captured something there.

And boy, we just had a great, great night. And having a big round table of Italian food after was fun. And rode home, and we couldn't make love because my sister was sleeping on my couch. Eh, never stopped you before. Well, the door doesn't shut all the way. That's hot. I got into it too.

Yeah, wow, that's really something. I'm so excited for you. My dad will do this one. He never, no, my parents never go, that was funny. They go, good energy up there. You really kept the energy. Right. They will never go hilarious.

Right. But I don't think I'm their cup of jizz anyway. Right. Yeah, that's tough. I mean, I guess I literally am his jizz. You are actually a cup of his jizz. I guess so. Or a bowl, a dick of his jizz. Yeah. But your parents ask questions. I know you're annoyed by. Too many questions. I mean, too many, but I get zero questions. Yeah, we got to meet in the middle. Not a single question. Yeah, in the middle would be nice. Yes, Malcolm.

Because they're interested in you. That's, that's, they're interested in you. I guess. My parents don't ask me a question. Zero questions. I almost feel like they read a book on how to talk to a kid. It doesn't feel like they actually give a shit.

Right, right. But maybe I'm wrong, or maybe I'm gay. Right. All right, but hey, kudos. Whatever that means. I have no idea what kudos, I know it's a candy bar. It's a candy bar But hey, kudos. Whatever that means. I have no idea what kudos, I know it's a candy bar. It's a candy bar. Yeah.

I had it when I was a kid. Yeah, let's get a kudos reading. What is kudos? What's the origin? Congratulations or salutations. Maybe it's an anagram. Anagram? An acronym?

Acronym. Like a killer underwear. Aniferous? Killer underwear, dick, hola, soup. Acronym. Like killer underwear. Anna Faris. Killer underwear dick. Hola. Soup. Oh, an agoraphil. I think it's anagram. The word kudos comes from the Greek word kaios, which means praise or renown.

We should know that because S, we talked about it. Everything Greek ends in S. That's right. It was first used in English in 1831 and was initially used in academic circles. 1831's pretty new. Yeah. It is pretty new. That's like Coke is that old.

Right. By the 1920s it was commonly used in journalism to mean praise given for achievement. All right. There you go. 1931. Kudos to Lane on a job, done. Okay, where to begin? So first, Kalamazoo Friday, and then Chicago Saturday. I just want to warn you, if you do a thing where you're like, oh, we're out of time, I'll have to tell you about Larry next week, I'm going to take a wire and hang myself. We're getting to the LD.

That's what's happening. Okay, we're getting to LD, but I got more than that I'll save. Save something, but don't save LD! Alright LD! And I'm going to send you the photos to put in the website or whatever you do there. The photo album. It's not a photo, people might be a little skeptical. That's true. Well, I was at Kanner's wedding, I had to rush over.

So, Kalamazoo Friday and then me and Anthony DeVito's opening. We're going to get a car at the airport and do a run over after the show, after the Friday show. Okay. Chicago. So a couple things. Get to Kalamazoo, get to the LaGuardia. See DeVito, he's wandering like a lost puppy around LaGuardia, you know, he looks homeless. And I go, hey, you big quiff, we're going to the lounge.

I got him in the lounge, which is exciting. And he's like a kid in F.A.O. Schwartz in there. He's playing on the big piano and hugging me. And we had a meal. We fly to Kalamazoo. We get the rental car, which you got to love these small airports. Oh, my God, that's bad. Zero rental car line.

I got my rental car in like four minutes. It's the best. And then you just walk out to the car. Yes, yes, it was in the parking lot right there. No fucking shuttle. Hey the shuttle we get to State Theater We drive there and we're doing the no hotel usually land you go to a hotel you jerk off you go to the show This is we're leaving that night. So hotels in Chicago. Okay, still makes no sense, but keep going. Well, what do you mean? We don't need a hotel Well, you just get a hotel, that way you can go there from 4 p.m., 5 p.m.,

you shower, you're up to, when do you shower? You shower at the venue. You're showering at the theater? They got showers. What are you, Patti LaBelle? I've never heard of that. Everybody does that. I thought that's what a bus tour is.

I guess so. Well, all right, so we shower at the theater, and it's all gravy, and DeVito takes a little nap, then we chit chat, we eat, and we showered the theater and it's all gravy and Davido takes a little nap then we Chit-chat we eat and we do the show and it's beautiful. The State Theater is a hidden gem, Kalamazoo. I bet. Who knew? All the state theaters are amazing. They really are. Yeah, so Really pretty theater and if we fill it up Davido goes out rips it, just crushes And we have that great exchange where I'm walking out, he's walking off, and he's like, they're great.

I love that. I love the exchange, exchange place. So I go on, I'm cooking, about three minutes in, a guy goes, Trump, Trump 2024, which you're like, he already won, what are you doing? So I hate this guy, I'm like- That's who they are as a people. You cut me right into a

Bit and I'm like, all right, shut up. Yeah, you won. I get it. He got shot. How do you like that? Whatever. I'm trying to make something out of it, right pull out of that that bullshit and then I'm going back I'm going back. I get this one free Palestine free Palestine I mean just 10 of them free power in a row and I'm like What the fuck so I cut her down the whole crowd booze her So now we got a booze huh? Calama booze. Yes exactly

so the booties The hooties I don't know if people know about the hooties. So now I got the Trump guy and I got, I'm like you guys don't really, you're the same person. You guys are both fucking retarded, you're idiots, you think you're a hero. I saw red, I went off on this lady. And they don't throw her out because I think they think we're having that back and forth which I hate. She just keeps hearing it. They don't throw her out. That's crazy. I don't

think they did. She'd throw her out of the? They don't throw her out. That's crazy. I don't think they did. She'd throw her out of the country. Exactly, yeah. Throw her into Palestine. See how she likes it. Can't yell shit there, I'll tell you that. But, whatever.

We're going back and forth and I'm like, you suck, you're an idiot, I hate you, I'm doing jokes. What do you think this is going to do? And I did that thing where I'm just talking and I'm being funny, so I had to try to get back on the rails there. We get the show together, the whole crowd boozer, which felt good. And then we do a great show, we do a Q&A, and we get the hell out of there. And I was furious, but whatever, it happens.

Sure. So I text Jerry, and I go, hey. Nice, good in. Good in, he gets a million of these. Doc Gooden. So I text him, Mr. Goodbar, I text him and he goes, uh, ho, really? What? Tell me everything. He's like really into it. He's like my dad, he's asking questions. Uh huh. And I just do this whole thing. I called her a retard, fuck her, blah, blah, blah. And he was like, I'm really sorry that happened

to you. Oh, that's nice. Which was crazy. I almost thought it was sarcastic. Well, maybe he's taking the blame. Ah. Maybe he sees it as they're yelling that because you're friends with Jerry. I don't know. So he's taking it on. If he's saying I'm really sorry that happened, maybe that he's taking it on. Maybe, maybe. Because every once in a while someone will be like, you love Louie, you fucking racist piece of shit. Oh, you get that? And he'll say, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Oh, wow. Well, not since 20, whatever, a year. Yeah. And it's not even that I'm like this anti-Palestine guy or this pro-Israel guy. I'm just like, you're ruining a show.

It's not even about the stance. Right. You know, whatever. So I was furious, me and Jerry were chatting about it, and it was weird because he was so, I'm so sorry. I'm like, this happens to you every four seconds. You get a cup of coffee and you're getting a curvy sword in your back. I got coffee too. Well, remember the lady said, enjoy your cup of genocide. That's right.

I forgot about that. By the way, this lady inadvertently did you a bit of a favor because now you're back with Jerry connecting on a deep level. That's a great point. It's the best thing. I, you should hire women to come y come yell free Palestine. Come to my shows, I'll pay for your ticket, I'll put you on the list, we'll get you in there. Start yelling. We'll get some video of it. Send it right to them. There you go.

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slash Tuesdays. Get on it and get some Z's. All right, so there you go. Texted Jerry, we drive to Chicago right when you pull into that city. You know you're having that first year, I'm having a couple cocktails, we got some roadies in the, you know, between the legs. And it's midnight, we pull into Chicago and you just see the big skyscrapers and me and DeVito having one of those great car comedy talks where you're really humming. I love that. Love it.

And we pull into the W, we park that fucker. I go, hey, I called the W and I go, hey, I'm in downtown Chicago, it's skyscrapers, it's crazy, where the fuck do I park? And they go, we don't have parking, you have to park in a parking garage three blocks away. So I was like, all right, fuck it. See, now you're back in a real city.

It sucks, these cities suck. Exactly. You go to Kalamazoo, you can park anywhere. I parked in the front, right in front of a handicapped guy. I spit on him. So we're in Chicago. Now, I go to bed, we wake up, and I go, what's the skinny? Talk to me, what's the word? Because I'm getting a little run around. So my team is like, it's all confirmed, you're good. His show is at five, just figure it out with the theater and all that. I was like, all

right, no problem. And then his team is texting me. He's with Berkowitz and all these other guys and they're like... Oh, so you know his team too. Kind of. I know Burke, but Burke's like, I'm not there, I'm out of town, but my guy will handle it. So he gives me his guy and he's like, can you come before the show? Larry likes to bail out after the show. And I go, well, it would really help me to do it after because I have a show after so I'm going to be there anyway. Plus, if I get there before the show, it kind of cuts into my whole day and I told this guy I would be to whatever. So I was like, they told me after the show. And he was like, I'll try, but I can't guarantee anything. And I

was like, you're killing me. It was confirmed. Yeah, it was guaranteed. Yes. That was the whole thing. I gave him the time slot. He gives me the handshake. It's macaroni. So I go, I'm coming at 545 because I

want to see some of the show. My show's at 8. I'll sit backstage. I watched his show. I get there. It's insane. You walk into the Chicago Theater, which is like one of the great rooms in the country. It's a beautiful castle of an entertainment hall. A gem. A gem!

Gem Morrison. So I get there and they walk in the back door, and first of all the marquee, I'll send you the photo, says Larry David, five, sold out, Mark Norman, eight, sold out, which is just a... That is unbelievable. Unbelievable double billing. You got to frame that. Did you take a...

Did you have Sal... You didn't have Sal... Nah, I'm in Chicago. That's the Calisthenics with me. That's right. Salacuse. Yes. But did you get an HD photo?

Because that needs to be blown up, framed, matted, and shoved right on your ceiling so when you fuck, you can see it. Yeah, that's not bad. All right. She ceiling. So when you fuck, you can see it. Yeah, that's not bad. All right. She's got to be on top, I guess. Yeah. I guess I fuck her with the photo on the bed. But it's true.

So I walk in, and he's sitting there on stage. So you're side stage, you see his big legs hanging off the chair. And he's like, oh, yeah, shut up, Jeff, you idiot. And he's going back and forth, shut up Jeff, you idiot. And he's going back and forth with Jeff Garland and Suzy Espin are on stage, they're doing a whole Q&A powwow thing. Wow, is that the show? Tell me about the show. I mean, you're telling me about the show.

That's the premise of the show, the three of them are out there? Jeff has questions and he's like, how did you get started? They do Jerry, Jerry, they do Larry's whole life and then how he got Seinfeld. So I do every story. I'm tapping DeVito like I know this one, that one, this is how that ends. I'm really rooting for him. Wow. And then at the end, they do the Q&A with the audience and that was the best part. So people stand up and they give the guy a microphone and they'll be like, Jerry, did you ever get scared with the fatwa episode that the guy that I had told would come after you? And she's like, ha ha ha ha ha. You know, he does that whole laugh and he's

like, fuck them. I'm not scared of them. Actually, it did cross my mind. Whatever, and he was being funny and all. Wow, just being in the presence of Larry is- It was insane. It makes my tits wiggle. It was, I'm not, we've met all these celebrities. You've met Springsteen and McCartney, but this one I was like,

A, because I'm a huge fan, but B, because you know he would not want to hang out. I don't know. I'm not so sure about that. Well... I think you'd enjoy your company quite a bit. We'll get into that later. All right. So he had one great moment where he stood up and this guy goes,

Larry, did you take anything from the Seinfeld set? Did you keep stuff as memorabilia? And he goes, yeah, I have this thing and that thing. And the guy goes, that's boring. I'm talking about, would you? Give me some real stuff. And he goes, boring? Shut the fuck up.

Fuck you. Fuck you. He did that whole thing. And me and DeVito are like. Wow. The place is erupting. It was killing. Fuck you.

And boring. How do you say I'm boring? Well, it's great And then so the show ends he went over by the way way over cutting into my time But the show ends and he gets whisked to the green room and then the guy gives me like the let's do it Wow, and it's very It's very tense. It feels like you're meeting the president, like high security, multiple people around him. This has got to be quick, in and out. In my head, I'm picturing all this.

We're going to chit chat about Jerry and New York and the show and all that stuff. I've got to be in a headlock. He's nooging me. I'm picturing all these things. We're going to talk about the Dodgers. I planned everything. So I go up to the stairs. He's in there with like eight old people and

they're all like, Jerry, I mean, Jesus, Larry, I worked with Jason Alexander on a plane. He's like, is that right? Get out of here. And I can, I can hear him. I'm like in, he's in that room. I'm right here. Just waiting. Hearing his voice is crazy. I can't even imagine it. He's got the blazer on the scarf around the neck and It's cold up and He's 80 but yeah, so he's in there chatting with these people and I'm like, this is bad abort I couldn't do it. I'm like freaking out and Davido's like Hank tight. You're like the cowardly lion. I was right out and dive through the glass Yeah, that's how I felt so uncomfortable and I knew he didn't want to do this.

And no one prepped this motherfucker. No prep? This was all new to him. So that sucked. I was under the impression he was going to meet me and say hello and go, hey, I was going to go good show. And he's going to go, you're doing the next show. How cool is that?

Nothing. So he's in there, and the guy, his guy is kind of pushing. He's like, he's going to leave. You got to do it now. We got to just do it. And I'm like, well, let him finish his thing. He's doing stuff with them. And he's like, we got to just cut in. And I was like, all right, all right. So he goes, sorry, guys, sorry. So awkward. I'm so uncomfortable. He goes, Larry, this guy is on the show after you. He wants to say hello. You're not on the show. You on the show after you he wants to say hello. You're on the show

you are the show. I know and I'm like he wants to say hello how about we move time slots he's the guy who show it sold out you gotta meet him I mean he put it all on me like hey this guy's annoying we gotta we gotta it felt like my dad owned the theater and I was like I gotta meet him. Yeah wants to say hello you're the headliner you're the guy and you was like, I gotta meet him. Yeah, wants to say hello. You're the headliner, you're the guy. I know. And you're a comedy star. You're the next generation star.

His guy fucked me. I hope he hears this. And the whole thing, he's like off put. He's like, all right, come on, we gotta do it now. Jeez, and I was like, oh, you feel like a kid. And I had all these things prepared. And I go out there and I go, Hey, great show. I'm on next. Oh, and he goes, okay.

And he didn't shake my hand. And then no shake. Well, I can't remember. I put mine out because I know he hates handshakes. So I think I did like a, I can't even remember. I was frozen and everything out of my body went away. I couldn't think of one thing to say. And I just stood there and they took the photo and's, you can see he's kind of like,

What's this now? What are we doing? And then they were like, okay, okay. And he literally did this, okay, okay. The guy pulled me out and I was like, oh thank you, sorry. And everybody was like, what was that? And all these old people were like, that was weird. Who was that autistic, retarded kid that did a make-a-wish? Isn't he like in your green room? No, I went to his. There's multiple green rooms. Yeah, it's a big theater and I'm just glad I got the photo. I can say I met him. It was super awkward. It was completely ruined every expectation I had. You know, you're fantasizing in the hotel room of a YouTube clinking glasses and kissing. But didn't you meet him at Schumer's wedding or some wedding? You could have said, hey,

the wedding. I'm at the wedding. That was on my list. That was on my list. Opening for Jerry, Schumer's wedding, Garland, New York, all this stuff. Was Garland there? He was. You got to hang out with him, because that almost makes it not worth it, having to see Garland. Well, I had this big plan of saying, you want to do a guest set on,

I got a sold out show here, do a Usted, do a Jewish blow job. I know his whole act. Of course. And that obviously was never going to happen, but I was scared to bring it up because I didn't want Garland to go, I'll do it. Oh my God. I would have kicked him right down the stairs like a pregnant woman. But he was nice after he was like you're a great writer

I think he thought I was Sam Baril. He's so nice. Well the nicest guys ever very nice So he was cool and we actually got to chat a little bit and then he was like, oh, I guess we're heading out to dinner I'll see you later. I was like, all right, take it easy So we actually spoke like human beings with the Larry thing was beyond awkward when I say awkward. I mean it was Weird have you talked to Berkowitz? I want to get Berkowitz on the line and say, hey, you guy fucked me. Yeah, I'd like to. That's a good idea. Because I've been on Berkowitz for 25 years.

Berkowitz texted how to go. I said it was super awkward. And he goes, I hope awkward in a good way. And I gave him one of these. And that was the end of that. But maybe I'll give him the what for when I see that fucking hebe on the street. Yeah, Burke, come on. If he was there, it would have helped, because I know Burke, he knows what I'm going through, but the other guy, he was annoyed with me. He was like, well, we'll knock this out, you're gay, shut up. Well, you got to remember too that everybody's worried about their own thing, and that he's worried about getting fired.

Exactly. He's worried about going, hey, and then you go in and go hey you got something your shirt Larry and slap on the chin and this guy gets shit can because he's like why'd you let this asshole exactly Larry I completely get that but don't lie to me and go hey it's all worked out he's ready you're ready you're gonna fuck it's gonna be great it was brutal what'd you do to Mickey you killed Mickey he killed Mickey but He killed Mickey But wow well at least you got a story out of it. Yeah, saw him. Yeah, but

Boy, yeah, I kind of pictured him sticking around for your show and guffawing And I thought he would be curious because he loves stand-up So I thought he'd be like oh, what are you one of these young guys coming up? You got the had you sell this thing out. What are you crazy? Hey? Maybe I'll watch a little. I thought there'd be, cause he went to Zany's the night before. Larry went to Zany's? Yes!

What? Which also gave me hope. I was like, he went to the club, he went with Garland and Garland went up. Wow. What was, is it a showcase? No, must've been a headliner. It was a Friday night.

So yeah. Wow, I wonder who was working and fucking Larry Davis showed up. Get on that. Great question. Friday night, Old Town Zanies. What a rollercoaster that is. You're sitting in that green room and all of a sudden Garland walks up and

you go, boy. And then Larry walks in behind him and you go, my God. Totally, totally. Uh-oh. Sorry, I think I'm being too loud. Possibly. Okay. My child's crying. Well, maybe he I'm being too loud. Possibly. Okay.

A child's crying. Well, maybe he's mad about Larry. Could be. So, we do the meet. I'm just glad to get it over with. It was that awkward where I'm like, I'm meeting one of my all-time heroes and I can't wait to get the fuck out of this situation. Which is also a sign of like, I need to like, stop hating myself and just be in the moment

and go, ah, it's great, whatever. Right. I kept pouring this on my head like, oh, he hates me, he hates this. And I think that was making it worse. No, it's an awkward feeling. I mean, I had that when I went to Seattle to meet Eddie Vedder with Nate. And you have this moment of like, you just want to bail.

You just want to be like, never mind. It's too ridiculous. It's crazy. Exactly. I always say this. I'm like, I already have a relationship with this person. I've watched him since I was a boy and then they put out material and I watch it and I enjoy it. I take it in. What am I going to do? Hey, and then you just want to like impress them, but you don't want to scare them. So you're like, this is crazy.

I know. And you picture you're both becoming great friends or something and like having this great moment. But yeah, it's not reality. That's why my Spring picture you both becoming great friends or something and like having this great moment. But yeah, it's not reality. That's why my Springsteen situation was great because it was just like I'm a tremendous fan. He said nice to meet you. I said thank you. And then I didn't try to let go. Oh my God. When I was five to seven, I saw you. That's the fucking blah. Yeah. Yeah. I like you. That's true. What do you got Chuck November 9th November 8th, right it was ever eight yeah yeah Saturday Friday I said what's the same person actually yes see person so it's show

and tell with Liz Trager Lisa Trager Lisa Trager yeah show and tell what do you think that means though oh I don't know oh it might be a it's a special event three two three one two comedy festival it was was a festival. Wow. Wow. How about that? It was Lisa. Wow. Pass guest. That's right. Yeah. She was on the show. Many moons ago. A lot of moons ago. So, yeah, crazy night and then I got to be honest, the Chicago theater was all I hoped it would be, but I was so nervous. I think the LD thing got in my head a little bit. Yeah, that is tough to deal with both of those things in the same night. It was a lot. I had a lot of people backstage cutting up and I couldn't get that moment alone

to focus and get my head in the game. But I flubbed two lines. I was really nervous. I listened back. It sounded okay. But I asked my friend was there and we had a few drinks after and I go, it was in a loud bar, I go go could you tell I was nervous he goes yeah I was like damn it you should have lied to me yeah hate the yeah I at least do like a oh maybe a little but not anything at the beginning you can do a little something yeah yeah it was fine I got some sure it was great some good moments but it just it overwhelms you because you're out there and you're like, I feel so little, this place is huge, and then you're like, get it together, you can do this, you've done bigger rooms,

but you're headlining, Larry hates you, I'm gay, it was a lot going on. It's huge, it's ornate, the lights, it's yellow and red and beautiful, I mean, but that photo, it's got to be, I got to see that photo. That's unbelievable. Well, the LD, Larry David and Mark Normand together. I saw the photo of you guys. Yeah, that was disappointing. It was such a cool blurry and off to the side. The one I saw. Yeah, I got a couple. Okay, you know, Prima, you needed Salacuse out there, but he was busy at my stupid show. The queues. I know I'm surprised. Hey, we could have put that fucker in a duffel bag, but

Pretty cool. I'm Texas alky was like here's me and LD and he's like I'm with Louie. I'm at town hall with list We're really doing it what lives we have. It's pretty great. Yeah, it was pretty crazy. It was a Special night and then Sam was like I'm doing spots at the cellar. I hate myself. Yeah Got a foot. He really brought it down. Yeah But yeah, what can you do He should have booked something that night. Yeah. Go Sandler. How great would that have been? The big three. That could have been something. Yes. So little lackluster. I hate to. I wanted to come in here with a full on BJ hard on anal sex, but reality is a thing. Yeah. And it's set in.

Well, you still met him, you still did the Chicago theater, you still got the Marquis photo, you got the photo that Dewey is together. Yeah. That's not nothing. Have you posted it yet? Not yet. Today I'm gonna post it after this.

Post it up. I'm really gonna soak it in. And say, hear about this on Tuesdays with stories next month sometime, maybe. Good point, good point. Yeah, we're pretty backed up, I believe. Just a couple weeks. Good for us.

Nothing crazy. Only a week and a half. Yeah, regular, nothing crazy yeah regular we can have well I'd love to bank in January cuz live we got a bad man on the way bank big bag chase banks Burbank yes very Blackburn city bank the banks well what are you talking about you had a hundred more things oh okay I didn't know if we'd have much time like that We got we got a nice we got 10 11. All right, you got something. I got nothing. All right, great I got a breeze through I ripped through I'm gonna I didn't write this down cuz it was a mere few hours ago But I'm gonna go off the the Iron Dome here, please last night stand up for heroes Here's the lineup me

Nora Jones Here's the lineup. Me, Norah Jones. What? Yeah. I thought you were going to say Norton. No, no. He's too gross. Norah Jones. Norah Jones. Yeah, big thing for Norah Jones.

Tell me why I didn't come. My wife's anthem. But Norah Jones, me, Gaffigan, John Stewart, The Sign, Questlove, DJing or whatever that means. Did Nora Jones do stand-up? It's all stand-ups. No, she opened it with a banger. Wow. A couple of tunes and then the headliner. Wait, let me guess.

Not a comic. Oh, Seinfeld's already gone on. Big headliner. Bruce Springsteen. You got it. Woo. So a couple key moments of the night. Big headliner. Bruce Springsteen. You got it. Woo! So a couple key moments of the night so they make you get there and do the red carpet,

which is a fucking nightmare. The Springsteen did a bit too. He did a couple bits. Yeah, that must have been bad. He did three street jokes and they all killed, I will say. Oh wow, okay. But it's him. They're not going to let him hang out in the dry.

But get there, do the red carpet. I text Gaffigan at about two I go you weren't a suit to this he goes go suit no tie and I go that's good that's all I ever do that's a good move I can't get a tie around my Adam's Apple it's high the button it sucks I know it's a new tie well who gives a shit about a tie yeah as soon as the music comes on you take it off it's true but that's a good look the loose loosey-goosey loose Loose tie is nice. So undone bow tie that's very sexy. That's a hot that's a little rat packy. Suspenders and a cigarette. I'll blow you. Keep us solid. So we get to the

red car but I show up gaffigan jeans t-shirt bomber jacket I go you fuck me and he goes well. He's gaffigan. I had to change your heart. And I was like, you fucked me. I'm wearing a monkey suit over here. I look like a Gordon Gekko. He's gaffigan. He can do whatever he wants. And I should have worn a killer jacket instead of a bomber jacket. Ah, folks. Thank you. How do you do Wilbur theater April 19th? So I'm on the red carpet with all these, these big wigs. And they keep going, Hey, Mark normal. Hey, nor McDonald. Hey, Norton, come over here. And I'm like, Hey, all right.

So I'm doing interviews with all these people and they're like, who are you? I'm like, I'm Bruce Springsteen's kid. I hate myself, whatever. And that was awkward. Just being the nobody there is, is very strange. So we get to the green room. Oh no, first I sneak in Salacuse.

Nice. The mole. He could have snuck himself in this guy. He would have rappelled down off of a fucking, you know, boom bike. Yeah. He's so little. And so we walk in and they go, who's this guy? I go, ah, bringing my old dad out as a goof.

And they go, oh, and that's sweet. They gave him a badge. No kidding. Dead badge. So I'm in the hallway with him on the stairwell, I'm like, how about that? I got you with the dad thing. He goes, that's my rock bottom. The guy believed it.

I gotta make some changes. Well, he does look old as hell. He is, fucking 59 years old and you're 27. Well, he's wearing it. He's got the hairline of Nicholson, and then he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a garbage bag. And He's always got this look on. He's always got one eye. Hey will you answer that phone right there and just say come on up I assume that's uh Drew the Boo. That's our hot guest. Okay yeah. Okay so we get Sally in we go in to the green room area

Jerry's sitting right there and I go hey Jerry! Wow that's a big Jerry episode. Big Jerry episode. I said his name like eight times Jerry's kids and we start chatting we have a good time he's such a easy hang he's a really cool dude he hates every minute of just being there he's like I just want to go on I don't want to do all this. Of course. And we chat Gaffkin comes in him and Gaff are really tight. Yeah, they're touring together. Exactly. And they have a good rapport. You're kind of like, oh, I wish I had that, but whatever. And so we're hanging out. They go, you're on first. Nor Joan doesn't want to go first. And I go, ah, geez. So of course, Bob Woodruff,

the guy who runs the whole thing, he's a vet, it's all for veterans. He comes out, he's like, my leg got blown off, I killed my wife, I have PTSD, I'm on fentanyl right now, I hate Afghanistan, Mark Norman. So I go out there and, you know, this is Gaffigan, this is Seinfeld, so I'm Dice Clay compared to these guys. So I go out there and I go, hey.

Dice K. I'm a Biden, whatever. And they're going, ooh, a lot of oohs. And then I do my Israel-Palestine joke in a lady way. Ah, ah. I mean, this is a beautiful 1500 seater. We're Lincoln Center. Lincoln Center, Lincoln, Nebraska. Yes, it was brutal.

So I had a tough one. I think I went too dark. But I did my act. You got to do you. And of course, you know me, I got a big mouth and I went backstage and I was like, what am I doing? I got to get some real material together. I suck. I'm too dark. I'm an idiot. I'm a grown up. What am I talking about? Buttholes and anals and Afghanistan and Palestine. What am I doing? So I had a real meltdown backstage and Salak you I look over he's filming the whole thing. I'm like, you know, so that was bad. Go back to the green room and the TV was playing in the green room, they all watched it. Oh no. I hate the TV in the green room.

I hate the TV in the green room. Watch from the side of the stage or nowhere. The idea of my voice being pumped into somebody's home. Yes, yes. It's horrible. Like Jerry Seinfeld's taking a shit and he's listening to me going, you can say this but you can't say that.

You got a muffin but you don't have a hot dog. Muffin top. It's just terrible. I know, I know. And I go, was the sound on in here? He goes, oh, yeah. So that hurt. Oh, there's a lot of ups and downs in this day.

I'm just sweating in my fucking suit. And so then Norah Jones goes on. She fucking breaks the roof off. People are tearing up the whole thing. Gaffigan goes up. So the order is you, then Nora Jones, then Jim Gaffigan? Yes! Who's running this thing?

Fucking, Quest loves fat ass. So, Gaffigan goes up, then Jon Stewart comes out of the fucking woodwork, and he just starts killing. He had a great line, he's like, did I miss anything? You know, with the whole Trump stuff. Oh, that's fun. It was fun. And Jerry are watching Jon Stewart on the TV like howling and I was like, damn, I don't think that happened with me. I bet they howled. Maybe like a hooo... That's pretty close to a howl. That's a recoil. Hooooh. Ugh.

Huck to us. Rack. So then, I gotta say, Seinfeld goes out there and it's like, oh, this is a pro. I was like, so here we are, what a foundation. Seinfeld comes out, hey everybody, what's shaking? He's all over the stage, he's flipping the mic, he's doing cartwheels, and he killed. He killed. I brought the wife and she was like, that, he had said it tonight.

That was really something. Seinfeld. Seinfeld. Wow. I mean, he was just such a pro and great stuff, new stuff I hadn't heard. And then they bring us, this is the clinker. Clink me. So at the end, the guy goes up and he goes, so we're going to get you all mics and you

guys are going to play around out there. And I was like, what's that now? And he's like, whoa, you're like the red boys. What's it called? Rednecks. Oh yeah. The kings of comedy, the bad boys. What was that called?

The original, the red, the red boys. Trailer tour. Trailer trash. Oh, the fucking Republican buddies. The country whores. The Dixie chicks. That's the Dixie chicks. What the hell was it? Winona Judd. Oh, Luke. Blue collar. Blue collar. Blue collar. Blue collar. I got it. I was there. Not very blue at all.

Yeah. But so, yeah, we go out there and I'm like, what's this? I got to go out with these guys. It's like, well, so Vince, you've out there and I'm like, what's this? I gotta go out with these guys? It's like Wilson Vince, you've been practicing your whole life. It's fish out of water. It's like one of these does not equal the other. So we go out there and I'm like, you don't want to say anything, but you don't want to be not there also. You know, is Springsteen with you guys?

No, no, he's later. So we go out there and these guys are such pros. They have no fear because they're like, this is nothing. And I'm like, I don't belong. So it's a lot of, I don't belong this weekend. That's the theme. So Stewart just starts talking. He's just like walking up to people, hey everybody. And then Jerry goes, does anyone have any questions? And John Stewart goes, well, this guy knows. He does gigs like this all the time. And I go, well, last week I did a Pete Diddy party.

I couldn't think of anything. The crowd goes, jeez, who is this guy? They hate me. I was just like the retard on the show, the village idiot. And John Stewart runs off stage after I say that, like as a goof. Like, Jesus Christ, who is this guy? He runs off stage after I say that, like as a goof, like, Jesus Christ, who is this guy? He runs off stage, that was hurtful.

And then it's getting so weird and awkward, people are yelling stuff, and Simon goes, all right, we've got to wrap this up. We have a great headliner. Bruce is here. And I go, Bruce Jenner's here? And the crowd was like, what are you doing? But I thought that was funny. It's not bad.

It's not bad, it's something. Bruce Jenner. Well, I thought we were going out there to be funny and they all went out there like, let's have a Q&A. What's up with the world today? Right. I was trying to make zingers, but it was awkward. So the motto is don't be yourself.

Right. Well, Bruce Jenner, you know, it's fun. It's something. It's a Bruce Bruce. Yeah That's a comedian Bruce Bruce Bruce, I feel like would make more sense because it's comedians ah We said, but they don't know who Bruce Bruce is that's true, but Bruce Jenner. They're like anybody trying to say here ah Everyone's sensitive right now. I know time. It's veterans the election sensitive right now. It's a tough time, it's veterans, the election, everyone's gay, it's Sunday. I hate politics. Everything's like analyzed, like what's he mean by that?

Where's this going? I'm like I'm just trying to be funny. Right. There's no side or anything but whatever. I'm sure that'll be go away the next four years. It's usually low-key. All right. I remember those first four years with Trump. It was pretty, there wasn't a lot of that tip that toeing or canceling or anything like that. No egg shells, nothing. Nobody got upset. And so we get out of there and they go, we watched Bruce. I have a shot of Seinfeld and John Stewart in a doorway watching Bruce.

Wow. Killed it. I mean, he still sounds great. He still got it. Of course. Yeah. Did a couple of zingers. I was like, man, he got bigger laughs than I did, which is a little disheartening.

And then Jerry, they go, Bruce wants to do a photo with all the comedians. What? And Jerry goes, I'm out. And he just walked out the back door and I was like, damn, that was pretty cool. I wish I had I could do that. But then I'm like, I want that photo. Of course. So me and Gaffigan are like, we're getting that Bruce photo. And then the lady comes back 10 minutes later and she's like he doesn't want to do it anymore and we said okay we left and that was the night. No photo. Buddy it was a great night.

I got the Larry at least. I got the Larry photo I got some some I hooked up with John Stewart we had a great chat about Tony Hitchcliffe which was fascinating. Are you mad at Jerry? That's annoying. What do you mean? You can have a photo with Bruce Springsteen but you can't because Jerry didn't want to do it? No, no, they didn't even know he left. He was just like, I'm out of here and you guys do it. See you later. Oh, it felt like on the radio they were like Jerry left and he's like, well I don't want to take a photo without Jerry. Oh no, no, he didn't even know. I blame Jerry for this. Maybe. I blame Jerry for, Jews. I blame Jerry for the photo and the war in Israel. All his fault.

Yes, and the weather. But yeah, so real roller coaster. But we left there and Salakus was like, I got everything. Wow. So that was great. That's incredible. Yeah. So we did a little wrap up of the night on the corner.

And one lady goes, keep working at it. Which is always always nice from an audience member. I know like don't quit and I'm like well it's how I make my living. Exactly. Raising a child and paying rent in a very nice neighborhood. Yes, fuck off cunt. Better title, fuck the other title. Fuck off cunt is the title. We gotta wrap it up, put a bow on it. When does this come out? January of 08? The week of Thanksgiving, Monday. Thanksgiving week, all right.

Well, next week, I believe, I'm in San Diego, December 5th through the 7th. I'm in Kansas City, I think January 14th through the 16th, something like that, and Montreal, February 7th, I think it is. Coming back to Montreal. And of course, April 19th, the Will Burr, the Will Bill Burr Theater in Boston, Massachusetts.

And get on my Punch Up, subscribe to my email list. And of course, the Patreon is fucking rocking. We're about to have a big, hot guest, huge guest on the Patreon. Hoo, hoo, hoo. And where are you going? Hit us on Punch Up. Yeah, get on the Patreon and I'll be at the Ryman

We got to hit that Ryman in Gashville. I'm at Houston improv Dallas improv and Phoenix stand-up live also Some other stuff just go to the website. You'll see it. Thanks for everything. We'll send Chuckster the photos Yes, and those will be up. They're real gems. So thank the cues. What do you got there? Chuckles. First of all, Salacuse rules. Great time Saturday. That was awesome. And he helped me out a lot. I want to say thanks to Salacuse. But yeah, check out my podcast, Fun Bearable with comedian Ray Harrington and Brad Rohr. We're doing a lot of fun stuff right now. We're having a Tell Him Steve Dave Takeover Month in November

where every episode is a crossover with the podcast. Tell him Steve Dave. I'm actually going to record the Christmas special. Tell him Steve Dave Christmas special. That's my guess. Tell him Steve Dave. I think so. Never heard of it. Sounds cool. Or a pet shop. And yeah, we're doing our big Thanksgiving episode. The week of Thanksgiving. That's gonna be fun. We have a consistent Thanksgiving mascot that we write a story for every year. Sounds dumb, it sounds gay, but it's very fun and it's real comedy and I hope you guys check it out. Funbearablepod.com. That's awesome to me. All right.

Thank you. That's it. Yeah, Patriot. Break it all up. Got it. Got it. I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe. I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe. I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe.

I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe. I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe. I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe. I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe. I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe. I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe. I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe. I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe.

I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe. I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Homelessly watching the music die. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe.