Tuesdays with Stories! - #585 Squishy Chick

Episode Date: December 24, 2024

Oh boy, ladies and gentlemen - Papa Joe has the norovirus! Mark heads to Austin to do Protect Our Parks while Joe does the Regz' Christmas Show live in NYC! Joe heads to San Francisco and get pulled onto - and then has to jump OFF of - (Adam Ray as) Dr. Phil Live! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show & get 20% off all mattress orders at https://www.helixsleep.com/TUESDAYS  - Support the show and start your free online Hims visit at https://www.hims.com/TUESDAYS  - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with promo code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com

Climate change, a problem so huge, how could I ever make a difference? I'm Marco Ciarnoved, Climate Reporter for the Toronto Star. I meet a lot of smart people doing really inspiring things in this space all the time. Small things that add up to big climate benefits. Small Things Big Climate, wherever you get your favorite podcasts. The Climate Solutions podcast is brought to you by SmartFlow from Enbridge Sustain. Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great.

Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Ha ha ha ha ha. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush.

Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me.

Hey! It's a gray Hoodie Day, look at that! The old Grey Hoodie! Yes! Kick a rung. What's that, Mack Weldon? I believe it is! That was like our first sponsor back in 85. I still own it, I still want them to come back to us. Come back, Mack! That might not be a company anymore.

Oh well, their CEO got shot. You don't hear about Mack Weldon too much anymore. No might not be a company anymore. Oh, well, their CEO got shot. You don't hear about Mack Weldon too much anymore. No, it was a fine product. I love you. This is one of these cheapo depots. You're in the town, you love it, it feels soft and sweet and sexy. It's got a nice little gay sunset.

Great logo. You buy it, 10 weeks later, the string falls out, the pocket has come in it, the sleeves are too short. Yeah. But I just, I hang on to it because I paid for it. I get it, but it looks good, it's worn in, it's got some patina. It looks okay, but it really had shape and the strings and the business, but yeah it's okay. You know you throw that puppy on at the gym, you hit the treadmill, you sweat all in it, that's's what that looks like I'm going straight to the gym from here there. It is back in the horse I was sick as a fucking dog

I was sick of any dog I've ever seen if you saw a dog as sick as I was you'd shoot it good point Right sick as a dog. I don't think I've ever seen a sick. I've seen a dog yak and then they're back to work exactly They lick their own asshole there. They're they're, you know, they fuck my dad in the ass, they're healthy as a horse. Yeah, and they sniff another dog's ass and they're eating their own shit! My old dog used to eat his shit. I have never seen a sick dog one day ever in my life. No, I guess they're talking about rabies? Huh, sick as a dog.

Sick in the head. You gotta put it down, old yeller. I mean, I've seen dogs that are old and like, I guess I've seen sick that are old and like I guess I've seen Sick not like a cold or you know Knoro virus. I'm sick like Like like Biden sick bumping into things and their eyes are a little crossed right right, but dogs will do one of these And they're back. They can like fix themselves. Yeah. You never see a dog with a thermometer and an ice pack. Old Yeller by the way, good name for Bobby Lee. Oh yeah, that's fun. Take that to the bank. Or like, you know, Ronan. Oh, yes, yes. Not that old, but... That's true, I like it.

Why the yelling? Alright, we're right here. He likes to yell. He's Jewish, I think the way you're raised. Funny guy, great comic, but you got a microphone. It enhances the sound. Shouting's funny. What the fuck?

That's true. Shouting is funny. Not my cup, but you got a guy shouting, sometimes it's funny. Who's a funny shouter? Well, Kinnison, I never got it. I know I'm like a traitor to my shop, but I didn't.

We're together on that. I brought that up to Jerry once in the green room, and the first time I worked with him, I was trying to make friends, and he's like, well, you know, the legends, Carlin, Pryor, Kinnison. I go, Kinnison, I never got it. He goes, and I was like, oh, I'm

blowing it. Oh, jeez. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Joan Rivers I didn't really get either, and there's a few I watch and I'm like, I guess. Really? Yeah. Kaufman? Kaufman, yeah, I would have hated if I was around. I mean, we've talked about this before, I think. If I went to the stand tonight and someone was reading the fucking

flags of our fathers or whatever the fuck I would be furious. I'd be like get them off the fucking stage. Yeah, but that shit on SNL that host spot I mean the Mighty Mouse with the record here like it's pretty pretty outside the box pretty innovative. That's funny but I don't you think don't you think you now would hate that also you'd say do jokes get some bits Yeah, exactly what you would say. I guess so, but I did I started in Brooklyn I saw a lot of that coming up and if it's good, it's good There's a lot of bad version of that horse right but when it works It's pretty trying to think of a good example like a like a Joe Para or a Matt McCarthy that they would get wacky

Yeah, this I like wacky, and I like alternative I'm just saying it in a club setting. I don't know I would go for it and right It's a different thing than what we're doing. Yeah, so I like I mean like playing the bongos and going like And I know I'm an asshole, but at Kaufman's Brilliant for his cat like Tony Clifton's the funniest thing that Kaufman did. I mean, Bob, what's your last name up and down the water, is the funniest joke of all time to me. So Clifton I love, and Borat, or whatever the thing

on the TV show was. What's that Ursula? Oh, Taxi. Yeah, what's that thing? Latke? Latke, yeah. That's fun, and the character stuff. But as far as stand-up goes, when they like like the top 50 stand-ups number 11 Andy Kaufman

I'm like Give me a bit. We'll call him a comedian or but not a stand-up. Yeah, he's a humorist. There you go No disrespect. I wish he you know didn't die and Cancer. Yeah lung cancer never smoked Well, that's what's crazy about Tony Clifton is he was a vegan he didn't smoke and drink but when he did Tony Clifton he drank and ate steaks and smoked interesting so he was a real wacko like it was a whole what do you

call that a split personality yeah there's a thing a para paralegal parasocial paratits parasite you had that I love a paratits. Oh yeah. You see one you want to see them all. A side character where you got two personalities. Hey two personalities. It's a schizophrenic! No, no, it's alter ego! Alter ego! There we go. Let me at the alter ego. Let go of my alter ego. There we go.

Well, yeah, I'm sure he was a big million laughs. He's also kind of an asshole. He's like screaming on set and everything and pissing me off. Wrestling women? Yeah. So, very interesting guy. I appreciate him, but I'm not popping on any coffin CD and putting my feet up and saying let's forget about our worries.

No, no, I hear that, Fetty. Good point. I'm not popping on any coffin CD and putting my feet up and saying let's forget about our worries. No, no, I hear that, Fetty. Good point. So tell me, my lady had the neuro once on a plane. Oh, brutal. We were on an Alaska flight to Portland from Boston, so you couldn't get further in the States, maybe Alaska. But Yakin, she lived in that little shit bathroom.

And we got to the hotel, I'm pulling her by her arm like a slug just oozing all over the airport and yakking all night I mean fever puking shit and pissing yakking smirnoff by the way I just heard a rumor that Yakov smirnoff I know if I should be saying this that Yakov smirnoff went and saw Nate Barghatsi sat in the front row and then after the show was like, let me open for you. No way. That's what I heard. Oh we got a, we can confirm that pretty easily. I heard this from a fourth party. Wow. That's hilarious. That's gold. Imagine you go on stage you look down and oh man there's Yakov. In Russia I

opened for you. I don't know his actor. I've only heard people make fun of his act. I've never watched one minute of Yakov. I mean I think I did when I was a kid but it didn't didn't fester up there. Well it's all Russia. I don't know anything about Russia. No. It used to be the USSR. Oh yeah. Briefly. And then what is the Soviet Union? That's all the same bag of hammers. It's got too many names. It was the United Socialist Soviet Retards. Got it. And then that fell apart in 1989, 1991, then it went into Russia. Got it.

Just plain old Russia. But the USSR, that was the Russians. Because it was Russia, then the USSR, then back to Russia. Okay. And they got some good writers and directors. Teschikov and... Dostoevsky. Yeah, that guy.

Putin. Putin. And then there was Gorbachev. He had the shit on his head. Oh yeah. directors and directors Tesco cough and Dostoevsky yeah that guy Putin and then there was Gorbachev he had the shit on his head yeah the shit stain like my undies and then there was Yasa Arafat different guy different country yeah they're scary over there Soder always said that the scariest white people right very true that all

the UFC Russians you know usually if it's a black guy and a white people. Very true. All the UFC Russians, usually if it's a black guy and a white guy, you're like, I'll go with the black guy, he's probably going to win, I'll put my money on Brown. But with the Russian white guy walking in, you're like, sorry, black guy, you're done. Yeah, Russians are scary, you think there's bad neighborhood? And then there's Brezhnev, there was Yul Brezhnev, something like that. And maybe there's another one. All I know is And maybe there's another one. All I know is we're supposed to hate them. You know, every 80s movie was fuck Russia.

Then like now we have the Ukraine stuff going on. Putin's on a horse, shirtless. I don't know what's happening. Yeah, Russia's no good. All right. That's all I know about that. But the norovirus. Yes.

So yeah, so, you know, this has happened a couple of times, my wife and I, and I got annoyed because my wife had this bit about like, I have diarrhea, and thought I was gonna get diarrhea and she's like, let me have my own diarrhea. But in my defense, defense mechanism, she I looked it up. There's a blood type, and I got it. My blood type is my outlook on life being negative negative. Hello folks. There's a blood type that hits, norovirus hits you worse. Oh. Because this has happened a couple of times where she's like, I feel a little nauseous.

I think I'm gonna have a banana. And then she eats a banana and then throws up like a little bit like a cup worth of vomit and goes, woo, I feel better. And then she has two wet shits and feels a little dizzy. Yeah. And then she's back to normal. She's like a dog. Right. Scratch's back to normal. She's like a dog.

Right. Scratches and shakes it off. Healthy as a dog. And then the next day, I get hit with like just a rape city of stomach shit. I'm puking cum and cumming shit. You're eating too much of that stuff. I can't stop. It's very good.

But it just, it hit me. So it was Sunday night. I came back. She's like, are you almost home? And I was like, yeah. She's like, I'm just feeling nauseous. I got home and she went in the bathroom, threw up, sat in the bathroom floor and was sick. I don't wanna take away from her illness.

And I thought she ate something and then the baby, he threw up. So then she was like, well, we shared a packet. You buy those little packets that whatever you squeeze it. Oh, the squeezy's. The squeezy thing. And then she's like, we shared a tuna fish sandwich. Maybe it was a tuna fish.

It was some kind of bagel with whatever on it. Boy, he's pretty advanced. He's eating better than you. No, he eats everything. Yeah, he shove it right in there. And so she's like, maybe it was that. Maybe it was this. I don't know.

Whatever. And so I go, yeah, well, whatever. He ate something. No big deal. We'd make out. We have sex. Well, we didn't have sex, she was nauseous. I see.

But it's always annoying when you get home off the trip and she's like, I'm sick, and you're like, well, I'm sick and not fucking, bitch. Ha ha ha, it's like your joke, face the other way, we're good. Yeah, give me something. Put a mask on. But anyways, so she had sick, and then the next day,

you know, I go through the whole day, I go see Alan, I go whatever, podcast, boobily boops, skippity bomb. Uh oh, could you feel a gurgle, a brewing, a coming, a storm? A slight gurgle, but you keep thinking they ate something. No big deal. And she's no longer sick. Right. So she feels a little nauseous, but just kind of fine,

whatever she's living her life. And so I feel a little gurgs. And then I had chipotle. And while I was eating chipotle, I said, this chicken tastes a little Gurgs and then I had Chipotle and while I was eating Chipotle I said this chicken tastes a little funky. Oh boy. And it was a little pink but sometimes it's like that. That's true That's true. There was a squish to the chick Hate a squishy chick. I love a squishy chick. Ah, depends on the mood. Yeah, what kind of squish it is Right. You're not too squishy. No and where it is is. You know, squishy tit, squishy butt, all right, squishy face.

We got a problem. Woo! But anyway, so I had the squishy chick, and then I went, ah, I'm sure it's fine. I ate the whole thing. I eat Chipotle every day. I think at this point, you could put fucking heroin in Chipotle.

We eat so much of it, we'd just be immune to it. Yes, fentanyl. We're immune because it's everywhere. Exactly, so I ate the Chipotle, then hours passed, I'm getting hungry again, we order some, like a chicken parm, you know me with the chicken parm, I love the chicken parm. Sure. So that shows up, and while I'm eating it, I'm like, I don't know, I'm not feeling this right now.

Yeah. Put the baby down, and then finally we fuck. She's feeling better. Oh wow. So we fuck and while I'm fucking I feel like the... Oh, hope you didn't tell her that. Hey, I'm fucking you. I feel nauseous. Well, you plow through. Okay. I mean you plow in and out and you're going like I don't feel great but you're fucking. Yeah. Yeah, you can have anything. You can fuck through it. That's true. Even at the the height of my neurovirus is like I think I could get one off in between puk fucking. Yeah. You can have anything. You can fuck through it. Even at the height of my neurovirus, I think I could get one off in between pukes.

That's impressive. But anyway, so while we're fucking, I'm like, I don't feel great. We finish. She comes. I come. We're laying there. And I'm like, I got to tell you, I don't feel great.

Go into the bathroom. And then I take a real half and half. You ever take a log, a regular log shit, and then on top of the log, you just throw the, you know, the kindling on top of it. Yes, exactly. I know exactly what you mean. And that's always how I knew I had COVID. You know, when you're like, do I have COVID? I feel a little sick. And then you shit and it's just black sea of Flint water. Yeah, it was just a fucking big messy puddle flush that down. I go, I think I got it out, and then, because you don't wanna put your mind into it,

they got me, and then it just became a total hellscape from 10 p.m. till 8 a.m. every 20, 30 minutes, that feeling of just throwing up, shitting, shitting, and barfing in the trash barrel while shitting. Then you turn around, you shit your pants, you come in the back. Just a fucking mess. And then you're like crying. I'm like, Sarah, come be with me.

Oh, protect the baby, the baby. I'm going to die. Tell him I love him. You know, take my money, whatever. It was just fucking horrible. And and then you're like, and then I got the podcast the next day. Yeah. And I got this other the next day yeah and I got this other I'm doing another thing with Matt Wayne he was supposed to come and

help me move some stuff around the house then we're shooting a promo for his specials so I'm like I gotta do it you know you have that thing yes you don't want to let go of your obligations got a rally and so you're like I think I can do it oh my god and the last time I had this was the first time I opened for Louie back in 2015. Oh no! Which is when I texted him and I said, I think I can do the 15 minute set. And he was like, stay the fuck away from me. Got it.

And Seinfeld, your boy ended up taking my spot, which is crazy. Wow, that is crazy. They were all on page six. The New York Post. Oh, different time. But anyway, it was a different time. But anyways, so yeah, I was just puking, shitting, nonstop, fucking horrible. Horrible. Nightmare. Nightmare. Anyways, so yeah, I was just puking, shitting, nonstop, fucking horrible, horrible.

Nightmare. And then you gotta send her out for the Pedialyte, and then you take, but there's part of you that's like, you take the little, it's kinda nice being sick. Once you've like resigned the fact, you cancel everything, you can't move, and then like the baby, I can't do anything with the baby.

I'm dying. So it's like, you're all baby, I'll be in the bedroom, I'm sipping, and you get that cold fruit punch, Gatorade, you're like. It's a sweet elixir. It feels so good, and you take that shower, and you spray the hot shower hose up your asshole, and blast off all the yellow gunk.

Get that spackle out of there. Yeah, and you start to feel better, and then you have that full day, yesterday I think it was, where you're like, or maybe it was two days ago, I can't remember what day it is, but you have that full day of like, I gotta recover, and you kind of feel good because you're, it's like you're on heroin. Your muscles are sore and you can't move fast, your head's pounding, but you gotta like rehydrate and sip and then you eat a little banana.

Oh, what a nightmare. You kind of come back, but now I'm like on a new lease on life. Hey! It's two days later, I'm hopping and skipping. Well, it's true when you're sitting there shitting out every hole in your body and you're going, I didn't realize how good I had it.

I know. Health is amazing, oh my God, it's like the Jews, they always go, hey, at least you got your health. Then they die off at 61. But that's what it's all about, you know? When you almost want to go through that, just so that you come out the other end then they die off at 61 but that's what it's all about you know when you you almost want to go through that just so like you come out the other end you go like Hamilton got hit by a bus but never been happier is that right oh my god

he's like I didn't realize what I had he was like I was laying in the hospital bed like I might not walk again going I had the best life all I do is bitch about my career and my act and all this and he's like I was doing stand-up comedy in New York City I know Seinfeldeld, I'm on the road, I'm doing theaters. I got a Netflix special. What the hell was I so angry about? Yeah, we got it pretty good. But that's what happens.

I remember someone saying this to me a long time ago. I think it was Tommy John again. When you go through a breakup, every day you're like, I'm gonna kill myself, I miss her, yada yada. And you don't worry about anything else. So by that rationale, once you're over the breakup You shouldn't have any worries whatsoever. Ah But it's all that hedonic adaptation your things change and you just you adapt to what you have and then you go

I'm sick of that right right exactly and health is nothing. Yeah time it heals all it really does Yeah, that's true. Hey, folks. Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Helix. Your previous night's sleep sets the tone for your day. If you're sleeping on a rock hard trash mattress, you're not doing yourself any favors. You got that right. It is time to make the switch to Helix and sleep like a baby.

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a healthcare provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Hymns.com slash Tuesdays. But yeah, it was horrible. But yeah, I'm back now I'm back and better than ever I don't know about better than ever but I'm back. You look good. You feel good. You smell good. Oh, it's great I was pale and all shitty, but you do you kind of missed the sick cuz now I'm back to like obligations I'm like, I guess I gotta go to the gym. I gotta go to the podcast and I have spots There was something fun about like I'm just laying here drinking Gatorade and watching porn Well when I got that text from you

Hey, I got a call it fatty. This is it Called in sick that we don't use those loosely right we rarely throw that out there So I knew it was serious well halfway through it like three in the morning I was like I think we keep thinking it's the last puke you're like okay now I'm gonna sleep, and they kept checking that clock yes yes and your body wakes you up and it's like 330 I'm like the last puke was 310 ah fuck here we go again so is it food poisoning is it neuro is it you hate your wife what are we talking here I think it was neuro because this is the thing that everyone says about kids too is that like once that's in the house

it's like insidious you all just get each other sick because it's got to be the virus because he was and then the next day He had terrible diarrhea to like every 30 seconds. He's like Diaper and then you change the diaper. It's like And he was all banged up yesterday. He was all sleepy was sweet We slept together all day, which was nice, but I think it was noro, but it just hit me work I got a blood type or something that noro fucked me up Yeah, I got my blood type and then maybe may is the same blood type maybe but because it's either blood type or something that Noro fucked me up. I'll get my blood type and then maybe May is the same blood type. Maybe. But because it's either blood type or immune system. I

think that's like AIDS and stuff. Yeah. Sarah always has a longer cold than I have. There you go. So I think I think I got a pretty regular immune system. But this thing fucking wiped me the fuck out. Well, hey, look, you got it over with and now you won't have it again for years. I hope. Well, the last one was nine years ago, so hopefully but now these babies there they they carry all the shiz right right Yeah, and not to mention we live in this toilet of a city It's just you touch one thing you get fucking SARS. That's a real shithole. Yeah Ebola Whatever happen to that. I don't know everything there's bird flu Ebola Columbine swine flu all that stuff is going around.

Yeah, can't keep up. There was a bunch of them. Ebola was a big one, you shit your organs out. Yeah, I think Ebola exists, there's a breakout every once in a while. We had it in New York a few years ago, there was like eight cases or something. Then there's Anthrax, which I think is a band.

Yeah, Ian something. Ah, finance. All right, well I gotta, we haven't potted in a while, so I gotta ton of jizz to throw in your uh neuro. Please, I'll drink it all. All right, there's gotta be nutrients in jizz by the way. 100%. All right, breast milk has stuff, what about this? Yeah, jizz has got stuff. I don't think you can give it to a baby, but once they're four or five, I think you can just scoop it right in there. Alright. Uh. Okay, so first off, did I tell you about Protect Our Parks?

No, I don't think so. Oh, geez, wait, it has been a minute. So we went down to Austin, I did a gig in, you sure this feels old? Maybe. Yeah, well, I'll breeze through. It did Protect our parks. Then when we did a four and a half hour slog of booze, cigars, weed, and mushrooms, and

all this, we had a great time. Good to see all the guys. And then we kept it on Spotify, because we said a lot of horrible things. Keep it off the tube. I feel like people can pull from the tube quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The tube is bad. We appreciate it.

Good to have you. people can pull from the tube quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the tube is bad. So, um... We appreciate it. Good to have you. And then, you know, you do the mothership, Canain is running his hour. Kyle Canain. Oh! He's at the mothership, so I go, I gotta go see this guy.

I'm a fan, I wanna watch him in the flesh. He's got a new hour. Unbelievable! Really? I'm howling in that balcony, like, this guy is killing, and it's one of those rolling, like a Regan kill where he never stops Killing and the crowd is just you're like, how is everyone laughing this much? I would be in pain Wow. I love Kanaan

Oh, yeah, great guy. And then a killer act. He's he's one of these like just Cowboys of comedies out on the open range He does like he kills over here then he just rides off into the sunset doesn't shake your hand and just goes howdy partner I'll see you in hell yeah there's certain guys like that I saw me because he lives in Portland I think of all places Portland and I was doing like a meet-and-greet he came by he's like hey I'll be at the bar and I felt forgot that he was there cuz I don't drink I went home after I was like ah shit canane was trying to hang but you don't see he's like a ghost this guy

yes he's a ghost and he doesn't have like a click He's not like oh, I'm with these guys. It's not like a podcast. Oh, he's always with them He's just he's just off in the spirit world. He's a lone wolf at killing For years and always as new and you're like, ah, you know, he had a like a 12-minute bit about shaving his pubes I was on the floor and I'm like that's a tread on Not obvious but just like a everyday thing, but I'm he found a new way to go about it it was amazing so when's the special where's the special do we know I mean he just had one called dirt nap plug oh I was thinking he was shooting no no he's just

running an hour and you know he's tinkering and tweaking but it was just like he's such a pro I'm sitting there with Adam Egan we're doing like this shit wow how about that one how about'm sitting there with Adam Egan. We're doing like this shit. Wow You know that Egan's first class love the Egan good good guy for a for a Jew and Yeah, so we had a great time in in in Austin. I got in I got out I did like two days there went straight so I did South Carolina Charleston Took two flights to get to Austin went straight to protect our parks That's a splash of cold jizz in the eye Absolutely, then I did a headline to the mothership got the fuck out of there

Didn't answer any Ares calls and then went straight to New Orleans for Thanksgiving. Oh wait now really dating I think we might have done some Thanksgiving. Did we do Thanksgiving? I can't remember. My asshole is retarded. I don't remember. We backlogged. I won't get too into it, but there's a new club in New Orleans called Sports Drink, which is a regional term for, you know, the big Gatorade jug and you go with the with the Spigot at the Little League game. That's not a regional term. You guys say sports drink? Yeah, it's like a Powerade, Gatorade, Pedialyte. I didn't know if everyone said that I think so all right we also call them cold drinks soda yeah cold drinks well Sarah says that a lot we should get some cold drinks maybe it's a southern thing yeah I think so because I

always thought that was weird to say cold drinks yeah Because all drinks are cold except coffee to me. And tea. And tea, but yeah. Tati. Yeah. But usually you say coffee. Yeah, we just say dre. You want to get some drinks? That's true. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a strange thing. But he capitalized on that because we say it a lot down there. And it's one of these 60-seaters. New Orleans been looking for this for years. I go in, we bang it out. I meet some guy named Tim. I go, hey I go have doing the Orpheum in two days. You want to do it? And he you know, I had that fun Opener like I'm in Anyway, Tim Timmy big Tim and yeah, we do the Orpheum which was a same night as a Bayou classic parents came out finally and then high school friends tough sledding a couple

guys got kicked out in the front row signs of me photos ah we met in Denver years ago you're like shut the fuck up but yeah good times you ever see that there's a Bruins player forget which hockey player with those two girls in the front row and I suck your cock in middle school. I love those girls. I think I think it's fake I've heard it's fake, but even the way that's hilarious. That's so funny And how about the oilers tit with the she's got great oil cans where she flashed She's amazing cans. I mean pull that up if you can put that on the TV. Yeah, put some tits up boob tube I just realized my

thing is positioned where it's completely whited out. There it is. There we go. Fixed it. Now they can see it. Cool hand puke. So I'll blow right through it. The Tipitina's guy. You know Tipitina's. Yeah he sent me all kinds of gear. He's a hell of a guy. Brian Tank is it we call him Tank big big Jew great guy he goes hey if you want to come to Tim Pitini's I'll put you on the list bring the family I go I'd love to so we go there the night before the Orpheum we get slopped up the band we weren't loving so we left and it's me my brother and May and a couple friends we go down to the street and there's a like a dive bar with a high school couple high school kids rocking out in the back

room. Way better than the Tipitina's band. These kids were around the dance floor cutting a rug, shucking and jiving, half in the bag, were drinking too much, pass out, wake up. Worst hangover I ever had in my life. Had to have lunch with the parents, had to do the show tonight. I wasn't prepared. You know one of those hangovers where you wake up and you're like, I can't do it. I can't see children, I can't see Peter.

My brother's got his two kids over there. I couldn't do it, Jerry. I was just too hungover and I couldn't face the world. I only had one option. Cancel? Coke? Adderall. Oh, Adderall. I Cancel? Adderall! I had a random Adderall in my bag from 1981 and I go

this is it. This is gonna fuck my head up but I have to take it. If you cancel on my mom, she will hunt you down and never let it go. So I couldn't cancel, plus these kids, they rely on me Jerry. I wrestle them, I elbow them, I punch them great time so

pop the Adderall and she's pregnant the lady's pregnant so she's like your mother the wife right so she's up at Adam so I'm like pop the Adderall you take one dump and you go whoa you're like Mario with the the star I'm invincible right but now you're at home I would go to my parents house for lunch and my mom is very she's like Larry David. She's like You know she's suspicious. Yes. What's up with you my eyes are saucers. I'm like, I just love New Orleans I'm happy to see my family. It's great to be back. I love the holidays turkey and So I'm playing with these kids. I'm throwing them up on the roof, I'm like a Mega Man. Right.

So we have a great time, but then the... when's the last time you did Adderall? I've never done Adderall in my whole life. What? No, I never touched this stuff. Oh, it's evil. I mean your brain just... think about how much you think and what's the dwell. And Adderall it's like... it's like that times a million. I thought Adderall was it's like beautiful theater downtown New Orleans, and we got my dad in the front row,

we got high school, we got my coach, my teacher, my dentist, brutal! We called him Coach Duffy, I don't think he did anything. Coach Duffy, I like that. I hate a hometown show, it's the worst thing in the world. The worst, plus the adderall and the anxiety and the anticipation. I just, I probably went through that thing

like the Micro Machine Man. I was like, so what's up with trans people? That's crazy, holy shit, oh my God, Hamas is wild. I just did the whole thing. I think I did an hour in like seven minutes. But it did well. It went well. It went well.

I'm sure. But yeah, you're always, we're always in our heads and afterwards everyone's like, that was the best show of my whole life. I can't believe how good it was. I'm sure it was fantastic. All right, I hope so. But you've been to NOLA. It's not a comedy savvy bunch. I've only done one set in New Orleans in my life. No, that's not true. I did for Louie there where a guy walked on stage looking for an autograph and the police had to come and almost shoot the guy.

It was crazy. Classic. He was just standing there. So yeah, I did that and then I did the come and almost shoot the guy. It was crazy. Classic. He was just standing there. So yeah, I did that and then I did the show at Tipitina's, which was fun. Oh, that was great. That was our people. How do you get back down there? Well, Skankfest may or may not be in New Orleans. That's the rumor. That would be exciting. But I think it hasn't been finalized yet. Now, would that be fun for you to be in your hometown or would that be annoying? I think it would be annoying because my parents would be like hey I heard you're at Stank House come on by

the house and we'll have lunch and I can't have those world I can't be in Gomez Lewis Gomez mode and then go to my my folks it's too much. This is one of the issues with I and Sarah and I have been talking about this we're gonna make an effort about this because Boston is like top five city for me it should be for everybody it's an amazing city a walking city it's historic it's beautiful it's fun it's everything you want in a goddamn city yes but I enjoy it the least because my parents are 30 minutes south of the South Shore so we're just down there the whole time you gotta see aunt Betty and aunt Sue and

uncle Dave and uncle Bob and uncle fuck me in the ass so true and so I'm never just on the child's river swimming and all the stuff Uncle Bob and Uncle Fuck Me in the Ass. So true. And so I'm never just on the Charles River swimming and all the stuff. Yes. Public gardens and Back Bay in the North End. I'm at Beacon Hill, I'm at Paul Revere's orthodontist. Yeah, exactly. So when I go to San Diego or, you know, Fuckville,

I'm living, but up there I'm just sitting around with my fucking chubby aunts. That's a great point cuz you're like Oh, you're in Boston come over and now you lose the whole Boston. Yes, and Sarah is fucked cuz she didn't grow up there So she's just like I don't know Boston's okay. It's pretty rainy and like she thinks of Whitman as boss She's like, I guess there's a high school. It's nice to run track Dunkin Donuts. I'm like but we haven't lived all the good stuff. It's like thinking New York City is the South school, it's nice to run track, there's Dunkin' Donuts, so I'm like, but we haven't lived all the good stuff. It's like thinking New York City is the South Bronx, you know?

I mean, different demographic. Yeah, yeah, but like, yeah, some Long Island shithole. You never get to Times Square, you never get to Wall Street, you never get to the Empire State because you're like, huh, the six train, how about that? Right, and I have all the glory years in Boston she doesn't have so I'm working on that. That's good. So Skankfest, yeah that would be tough to, I would hate for my family to be part of Skankfest. Oh my god, I do not want Zack Amico getting my mom in a headlock.

No, no you don't. Come to the naked roast, Uncle Bob. By the way, Amico, we did the regs last night at the Gramercy and we all brought our own Santa and, nice, that was a splatter. That was a big honker. And Amiko did some roasting and Ronan roasted and Sagalo wrapped. It was pretty fun. Big Jay, nobody told him to do anything. Wow Sagalo wrapped. Yeah. I missed that. Yeah, it was okay. All right, but Amiko that that kid is top-notch with the zingers. Oh, he had some beauties. I can't remember any of them, but it was funny. Plus the grammar see you can't fucking hear anything.

I know. It's so brutal. It's a steeple, chapel in there. And they have no wedges, no monitors. Monitor. Yeah. It's just, there's nothing. Like the whole time Sodor's like, I just, I was like, And the crowd's like going crazy. And Luis and I the whole time were just dying and then afterwards We're both like we were fake laughing the whole time But the crowd could hear so that was good I feel like when we've done it we can hear each other pretty good I think the time we had four people if it's two of us kind of facing each other We're next to each other. so we're hearing actually ourselves.

It's when you're down the road that it's difficult. Okay. Boy, the regs though, packed out, good time? Nah. I see. It was about half full. Damn! That's a hot show.

Well, I think the word is out that these live podcasts, not as fun. I think you got some reddit is a buzz yeah it's a buzz baby yeah they do not like in real life yeah well I think I think the last one we did at stand-up New York we really just did a regular pod I felt I thought that was our best one the Ari one yeah yeah with the chips same as the cookies yeah that was a hot one all right I'll get right through this so I just got to say after the Orpheum show all my jerk-off buddies show up. We get a little bar right by the theater They're hanging they're hanging out, but they're like I got the artsy guys

I grew up with then I got the like the jockey Sports guys and then I got the family people in the high school. So the jockey guys are blacked out they're just like and it's it's right back to 1999, like, finger up the ass, calling me gay, you take a photo, they whip the dick out in the photo. I mean, these guys are, they're all dads now. They have like two, three kids, but this is their night to let loose. Right. They don't, they live in the suburbs. They don't come to the fucking quarter. So we go, they go, we're going to a bar, you guys can do your gay canoodling with your friends, but we're

going to a real bar. We go, all right, we'll meet you over there. Kyle Canoodle. Yeah. So half hour goes by, I got the pregnant wife, she's like, I just want to go home. I'm so tired. Everybody's drunk. I'm not. My feet hurt. And so I go, let's just pop over to the bar. We said we'd go then we'll say hello we'll do a cameo and leave she goes all right 10 minute walk we get to the bar I watch my friend get thrown out like Jazzy Jeff just oh wait this you did tell this part you did tell oh shit okay kicked out and then you

guys go in and have a good time yes yes I remember standing ovation yes by the bar yes because I thought they were clapping Because he told everyone to fuck off. Ah Right standing up cuz they hated them. Well shit now. I'm wondering if I told all the other stuff I don't think so. All right. No last time you talked about your mother had a magazine Remember she shot somebody with a She had the magazine. She brought a magazine. She called the magazine, said you gotta put you in the magazine. Oh yes!

Liz, yeah. Yes. I don't think he told you other stuff. Okay, okay. Well, if I got the kick out of the bar thing out of the way, we're good. The bar thing we got, because I thought they were clapping because he told them to fuck off or something like that. Okay. But they hated him, and then you guys sat and enjoyed yourselves. Alright, well then you go, because I've been hogging.

Oh, no big deal. Well, I just got back from, where the fuck was I? Oh, San Diego. I'll just rip right through this. Nothing happened, it doesn't matter. But San Diego, as you know, as people know, I've never worked there my whole life. Yes. De Palo never went past Denver, I don't think.

Right. And then John again. There was no club there, really. This American Comedy Co., I don't know. They're kind of newer. And then I think there was a beef with my agency. And then. Yeah, that guy gets beefy.

I think he called someone a cunt or something I heard. But whatever, it's all water under my asshole now. So finally made it happen, San Diego, which is the last American city I've never been to in my life. Wow. Which was very exciting. So I went down there and I posted,

hey, give me your recommendations. And I got flooded with all this stuff. And all the recommendations are like 45 minutes outside of downtown. La Jolla, all this shit. Yeah, go here, go there, this thing, that thing. And then, of course, the club is in just hell.

Oh, the gas lamp. Yeah, which, Moniz is the only guy. Because he knows what makes me tick and run so he's like you're not gonna like it I'll tell you that and I was like well, we'll see about that. I show up of course. I walk out It's just a bare asshole. Yeah, an asshole and a cow asshole walk into a bar Just the dicks and tit Fucking Tasmanian devil humans running around and Daniel Penny and

Just a fucking mess of you go. Okay. Well, I guess I'll just hide in my room until I can rent a car or whatever It's a shame as the Sun is shining. It's like this beautiful town with the great weather and you gotta hide Yeah, it's just horrific and I don't know. Hopefully hey, maybe Trump's gonna Yeah, it's just horrific and I don't know, hopefully, hey, maybe Trump's gonna, you know, get the cops out in full swing. Get a Zamboni right through there, just wipe it all up. Just build a hospital, put the pills on their tongue, play the music on the record and, you know. Medication time.

Yeah, wet our whistles and watch the ball game. Exactly. I mean, just put these folks in a place, give them some meds, and take, don't lobotomize them and rape them and shit like they did in the 40s. Right, the good old days. Really take care of them. Give them a hug, a blanket,

let them watch the television, the Mickey Mouse Club, and put a couple pills in their ass. Yeah, you- And get them the fuck off the street. You're telling me when you got that 14-year-old red beaver staring you in the face. No man in the world. Yeah, I I mean Rocky Marciano's got 40 and he's a millionaire but it's just get him off the fucking street we can do it just we

can do it here things state run your fuck you're out of control go in there compassionately yes put him in there yeah, we have all these buildings now that the Chinese own, but it's like all the offices are gone. All the everybody flew the coop after COVID put the wackos in the buildings. Coop is flown and yeah, do that. And then if if somebody smashes up a place with the hammer, put them in jail for I don't know, a year? Yeah, sounds better. Maybe five? You know, put him in jail, don't let him leave, that'll be nice. Anyways, just some ideas. But!

It's fucking bananas down there, so I go and then Derek, my best pal Derek, best buddy in the world, he's a merchant marine, he works in the shipping yard, so they got some ships down in San Diego that are broken and fucked up, he goes, I gotta go there for work I'll come see you big military town absolutely so he comes down it's great we reunite and then Friday he's like I gotta go to work I'll be out at noon then we'll go hang and of course he works till 6 p.m. he fucked me yeah so I jumped in I went over to Ocean Beach which someone was like the beginning of almost fame I don't I can't remember who

sent what they're like the opening of Almost Famous. I can't remember who sent what. They're like, the opening of Almost Famous is all Ocean Beach. I love Almost Famous. I'm like Cameron Crowe's from there. I'm thinking Ocean Beach is gonna be like beautiful, I don't know, like Santa Monica or something like that. I go down there, there is some stank on OB. Have you been down there?

I've only been at night drinking. I've never done the day. It's like Venice Beach. It's very like, you know, drag rats and kind of like rock and roll. Got it. It's like the hippie dippies and the rock and rollers and it's cool it's beautiful but it's definitely some stank and I saw the old theater with the beginning of Almost Famous blah blah blah see those sites went over the Top Gun bar. Oh oh wow which burned down so it's not as excited I hate when you go to a place you're like this is where they film Top Gun and then you read about it you're like it burned

down in 2009 this is all just rebuilt you're like oh not the same so they didn't film it yeah it's like fake tits yeah exactly something's off here exactly they like tits but it's not the same I do like otherwise I had sex with one woman who had fake tits and she laid in her back And they sat right up and sort of my cock. Yeah military salute so anyways, I did that and then Saturday I went someone said you should go over to Coronado the Coronado Hotel Del Coronado, which is really shot something like it hot Wow

And it's so beautiful and I said Derek, we're gonna go see all the sights today. First things first, I want to put a thumbtack in this hotel. Let's go over there. Take a peek. Marilyn Monroe, Jack Lemon, Tony fucking Curtis. Yeah, I was at Tony Scott who directed Top Gun and killed himself. That's right. Yeah bridge. He jumped think he jumped off a bridge. Yeah And Ridley Scott's brother, oh, yeah, yeah, he's still cooking he's very good Napoleon though I thought it was all right. It was fine. Whatever the movie before though I thought was fantastic that people hated the rape movie with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Oh, that was incredible. I thought it was awesome. It got no buzz I guess cuz the meet to ain't all people hated it. I thought it was awesome. It got no buzz I guess because

the Me Too ain't all. People hated it. I thought it was wonderful. Great movie. It was like a night movie. Yeah the last night or the first night or Knight Rider. Night to the Stars. Yeah last The Mohicans. I can't remember. Night Stalker. Yeah I don't know. But anyways night and day. So we went over to Coronado's. was like, let me just see this hotel. You're not a movie guy. I'll just see it. I'll take a photo. We go over to Coronado. This is the best place I've ever been ever in my whole life. As soon as we pulled into that area, you drive over the Coronado Bridge. It's like Pleasantville meets heaven meets my mother's tits. It is the most beautiful place I've ever been. And I'm going on every

vacation there for the rest of my life The hotel is spectacular built in 1888. Oh Oh, and now the water is just swishing the girls are hot Hey, it was just perfect the houses you cannot fucking believe how spectacular it is How far out from San Diego from downtown 20-minute ride? Whoa, mama. You gotta go, it's unbelievable. The hotel is like spectacular. Old wood and photos of Charlie Chaplin was a regular there and of course Monroe and Eisenhower was there

and fucking FDR. They're all there. It was like the spot, It was a wide open beach. We just hung out there. We went to a cigar lounge. Brown's Cigar something. Sat outside, had cigars, got acai bowls, had a great Italian meal. Fucking spectacular.

Don't you kind of feel like we're, that Southern California area is such a gem with the history and the movies and Hollywood. And we're all tucked away over here in the cold wet armpit of New York City. Well I've said it many times, Southern California is the best part of the whole world. It really is. It's pretty amazing. The mountains, the beaches, the women, Jerry. I mean you have the droughts and the gangs and the earthquakes and the hobos. And the wildfires and the mudslides. Yes, so there's that, but the weather, the ocean, the babes, the... it's awesome.

It's pretty great. It's a... it's... sometimes you go through Hawaii and you're like, you're on the plane, you're like, is this... I'm sorry, San Diego, you're like, is this Hawaii? It's almost so tropical. Right. That you can't even believe it's part of America. No, it's really dynamite. I loved it. And, and also because I had never been there, the crowds, we went clean. We sold every single ticket, a thousand seats, which was great. Wow. And then Saturday, the early show, this is like, I got a low self-esteem. I felt like they were fucking with me. I couldn't get, I couldn't start talking. It was like, I won an

Oscar. The place is like, Oh my God, last way love. Yeah, yeah, motherfucker god And I was like, okay well Okay, thank you boy. It felt like really something cooking down there down San Diego way. So More power to you. There's something to it's almost like you hold that that load in and then you blow it And it's just like whoa, you almost broke the tile on the wall there with that Well, it's the same with your crowd. I got this with Minneapolis, because for whatever reason, we haven't been booked back in Minneapolis in a while.

I'm coming in April, and now people are going, where's Minneapolis? What's with Minneapolis? Fuck you, Minneapolis, why do you hate us? I'm coming with lock, stock, and barrel. I don't know when tickets go on sale. But anyways, so then, let me throw this at you. And you're a different kind of guy

and this is where we're different. I'm sitting there, we're smoking cigars, Derek and I, the beach, the breeze, and you got the two shows, they're my own shows. I've already done three. It's hot, it's sold out, and you think, I got some new cooking. I'm in that beautiful period we love

where you had specials in the can, but it's not out yet, so I can still do those bits. So I'm feeling that beautiful period we love we had specials in the can but it's not out yet so I can still do those bits Yes, so I'm feeling good about myself Text oh It's my old pal Jack Fink and Adam Ray. Oh good eggs. Hey, we're on a we're on a we're in town We're doing dr. Phil at the theater around the corner from the club. You got to come by and do a bit What is the Balboa? is it, the Balboa? No, not the Balboa, the Civic Auditorio which is 3,000 seats.

Hiya! Hiya! We'll be right back. Now it's one of these things where you're like, you're honored, you're pleased, but you're like, well now my night's fucked! Because I got my merch, I'm sold out, it's me and Derek and Jason lawhead, and we're having fun I'm relaxed my feet are up now. I go shit. Okay, 3000 seat theater I got to do a bit on a show and then their shows at seven mines at 730 timewise tight

You're like it's a blessing, but a curse because you're like well now I'm stressed my nights change But my stomach is tightened up 100% my assholes loosened my dicks softer okay got it flaccid you know what do you know that feeling I know that feeling too well and you want to get it all in but you just know that it's gonna fuck up somewhere but it's so tempting well and it's awesome and exciting it's like if you were like had a date with your wife and you're like we have dinner reservations we're going to the movies and then someone goes hey I got front row tickets to go see the Led Zeppelin reunion you're like I'd like to see that but I

had my plan I know it's a wrench in the anal but it's a good wrench good wrench so it's a tough spot so I go of course you got to say yes I can't be like yeah not feeling it. Sure. And the career and my life is a failure and all this stuff. So I go, okay, I'll be there. So what's the bit? So the bit they're doing is Tony's in town, Hinchcliffe. Okay.

They're doing a Kill Tony, like a mock Kill Tony with Dr. Phil. Ah. They're gonna have open micers come up, a bucket, pull the bucket, they do a minute, and then they go, how about this guy over here? And I'm sitting in the crowd, and they go, let's have this asshole right here come up.

Oh, that's pretty good. I come up, and I kill for five minutes, and they go, hey, don't you have a Netflix special and your headliner in the corner? So that's the bit. That's a great bit. That would crush. It's a good bit, but I'm nervous,

because I'm like, well, this is relying on A, me crushing. What if I bomb? You don't know. You got the chops. I'll do okay. B, it's relying on at least half the people recognizing, oh, this is a real comic. What if nobody, I mean, all the people that recognize me

might be at my show around the corner. That's true, but it goes either way. If you crush with the randos, they're like, hey, that was great. And if they know you and you crushed, also great. Right. Well, it's still nerve wracking. And you're like, what if they don't know me? What if I bomb? Plus I'm in the crowd, but for the set, I, that was great. And if they know you and you crushed, also great. Right. Well, it's still nerve wracking. Sure.

And you're like, what if they don't know me? What if I bomb? Plus I'm in the crowd, but for the set I have to run up. So I'm like, okay, that's the bit. I'm down, but I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ, this is scary. Right. So then, that show's at 7 p.m., which, you know, I don't wanna be a know-it-all,

but I've been around. I opened for Louie on a world tour, so I've done many, many theaters and arenas. My show's at 7.30. I go on at 8P probably, the latest, because it's openers doing 10, then 20 for the feature. So the latest, I'm going on at 8PM. I like to be in the room a few minutes before,

so they're not freaking out. So they're like, we'll have you out at 7.45. This is the first bit we're doing. So I go, okay, it sounds crazy, but okay, I'm down. And it's on foot. You're on foot. Well, there's a car. They got a lady that's going to drive it. Also great. Cars three minutes, foot's eight minutes. So we go there and it's a who's who. It's Adam Devine is there, Tony Hinchcliffe, Jeremiah Watkins, Whitney Cummings. Wow. It's a fun night. So we go over, it's 6.58, I peek behind the curtain,

there's about 11 people in the house. Oh my God. So I'm like, we ain't starting at seven. So I go over Adam, who is the sweetest, kindest man on the planet Earth. Love that guy, Minch. He's lunch. He's unbelievable, he's in the makeup chair getting made up

and he's directing the whole show. Yes. It's quite a sight. These LA guys really did it right. Yeah. We're over here sitting in your apartment talking about eating cum for the last 12 years. These guys are putting together traveling TV shows. I know and they have Jay Leno and Wayne Brady and all these giant names. It's incredible. I'm not... All I've ever thought to do was put on a hoodie

and go, would you eat your father's cum? I would. Yeah, but there's an argument to be made. I mean, Adam Ray's been grinding for 19 years and it's finally clicked. So you've been cooking for decades now, humming along. I'm humming, plenty of hum, but man, he was really, he's like, you're gonna do this, then you will do this,

and then this will come in, then you come out. He's directing the show in the makeup chair. Unreal. I was blown away. And so I'm like, that's the bit. He's like, it's gonna be great, you're great. He's just saying everything right. He's filling me with just confidence and joy.

He's a pro, he's a show runner. What a guy. So I go to the side of the stage, and now I'm getting nervous, because I'm like, I gotta get to the show, my show, because you don't want to fuck over the club and your fans. Right. So I'm like, talk to Jack, who's also great. I love that guy. I'm like, so 745, I'll be out of here. And it's kind of one of these things like the first thing we're doing is the intro, then the kill Tony. Then they kind of go, well, how about we'll pull your name first, which makes

it a little more nerve wracking because I was hoping to follow the open mic guys. Of course. And then you come out and go, whoa, this guy's no open mic-er. You're the hero. Now I'm gonna go at the beginning of the Kill Tony segment and I'm like, huh.

So now I'm pacing, running low on time. Yeah. And I'm like, this is just no way. And now this moment is where my, this is why my career is down here. Cause my mind, I'm retarded. Lay it on me, fatty. Think the producer comes out and he goes,

all right, here's the thing. Adam is nervous that you're not gonna make your show. We're obviously starting late. The crowd's late coming in. It's California. What about this? And we don't want to insult you, we feel bad. Hopefully this isn't gonna hurt your feelings.

How would you feel about just going out and doing 10 minutes cold to open the show? And I go, woo, that's a relief. That's so much easier, that's so much better. Now I'm just doing stand up nice and easy. Oh, I couldn't be happier. I got plenty of time to make it. This is the best thing.

Am I insulted? I've never been happier. I give him a hug. Thank you. My God. So they go out. Adam brings me up. He goes, you're the best.

I can't believe you're doing this. This is a thrill. Thank you. I go, thank me. Thank you. I'm relieved. Love it. I go out.

I do 10 minutes. It's great, hot crowd, 3,000 people have a great time. I go, get ready for Dr. Phil, lights go down, the crowd goes fucking nuts. I mean, it's insane how crazy they go. It's not until the next day I'm flying home, I realized, oh, now I'm not on the show. Cause all the shows go on YouTube.

So now, that's why they felt bad. Now I'm just the off-screen opener. They knew better than I do. I have no career instincts. I'm like... Yeah, I didn't catch it either. I'm like, no, this is great. I'll just do stand-up.

Perfect. I don't want to do some silly bit. But now when they watch the YouTube, there's no record of me even being there. Yeah, which is what you want, is the views and the exposure. Yeah, so I just, it's basically like I got bumped off the Tonight Show, like the 1985 Tonight Show, and I'm like this, of course! You got to do warm up on the Tonight Show.

Exactly, that's exactly right. It would be like if I was doing Johnny Carson 1984 and they said, hey, instead of doing a set, how would you like to do warm up? And I'm like this, perfect! That's awesome! Well hey, Adam Ray, Ray Dr. Phil if you're listening out there Jack Fink you piece of shit put the put a special thanks to Joe List

in the top of the episode just to get your name out there well he said he's like I'll make it up to you we'll figure something out we'll have you on do something down the road which I never know I'm like it's weird to text and be like, can I get that bit later? They're good eggs, they'll remember you. Well, everyone always does. And in my career, anytime someone's been like, I'll make it up to you, they've made it up 10 fold. But the thing about it, I realized is like, it wasn't even occurring to me

that I'm like getting bumped only for time. It's not like they were like, eh, we don't want them. It was just I ran out of time because I had to get to my show, which I made with about eight minutes to spare, even with just doing warmup. So you had to do that. Literally, I had to do it,

and literally it wasn't until the next day that I was like, oh, I couldn't believe they were so apologetic. I'm like, this is better. I'm a moron, I got no killer showbiz instinct. Yeah, I didn't catch you either, but the problem is you couldn't have done it anyway. You would have been way late to your show.

Yeah, I mean, I guess I could have just been like, oh, mentally I should have been like, oh, that sucks, but yeah, of course. You should have caught it. But instead I was like, oh, are you kidding? Woo! That's hilarious. But it was fun.

It was good to see Tony and Whitney and Adam and Adam and Adam Devineine another great guy. Oh yeah. I'm sure the show was fucking awesome. So it was great. I was thrilled even to be asked and to thought of and all that stuff. So maybe down the road. Oh he'll remember.

Don't you worry. Those Dr. Phil's they don't forget like an elephant. But speaking of Dr. Phil, we'll get out of here on this. I did Providence Rhode Island last week comedy connection back in the clubs I want to really tweak and hone this fucking thing absolutely seven shows Doug Key opening we had a hot time hooting a holler great fucking club they blew it out they expanded it they bought the restaurant they they got a downstairs green room I mean it's top

notch Wow he was showing me some of that, but I haven't seen it It's incredible. They really like making it they like blew it out. They bought the theater down the down the street So they are Up an atom. How do we Dave? So Adam Ray text me goes? Hey, I'm doing the Celebrity Theatre in Phoenix, which I was supposed to do but I couldn't do because of Providence, right? You know me with the scheduling I fucked it all up I had to cancel like the day before like I fucked up. I'm actually in Providence. I'm so sorry He was like you're killing me, so they fly San Marill out there, and they got Jeremiah doing AI me

Oh, that's the night before oh really that was right the night before that well. Yeah, Celebrity Theatre I don't know what that is that's gotta be 5,000 3,000 that's where everyone does their specials. Exactly. Nate and Carlin and Louis. In the round. So he goes, since you can't be there, we put your name on the ticket, can you FaceTime in? Whoa.

So that is nerve wracking because you're there, but you're not there and you just see the crowd, there's a delay. So I'm like, all right, how are we gonna make this work? He's on Phoenix time, I'm on East Coast time. He calls between shows or after my show, So I'm like, all right, how are we going to make this work? He's on Phoenix time, I'm on East Coast time. He calls between shows or after my show. I get the call, I run outside, I'm outside in the cold in Providence.

And he's like, how you doing, Mark? We're here in the Celebrity Theater. Here's AI Mark Norman. And I'm like, Jeremiah's gay. And you can hear, wow. And I'm like, this is insane. You see Dr. Phil's big face and mustache he's like how are you look at that you just see the whole round I

mean show business crazy now they projecting your face or is it just your voice it's my voice he's got the microphone up on there wow so they go hey mark is this you and I go hey hey and you can hear the crowd go it's him you know whatever that is it's pretty! Ah! You know, whatever that is. Wow. And it's pretty incredible. Adam Ray, he's like Willy Wonka. He's making all this magic happen. He really is. And it's fun to watch because he's such a good man

and so talented. And people just go crazy. It feels like the Andy Kaufman, where they have Santa Claus come in and he gives everyone milk. Yes, exactly. He's Andy Kaufman if he were funny. There you go. You heard it here first folks, but yeah

Sam was on you know you got a you know whip around you see Sam there I mean it was pretty incredible what that guy's doing. Yeah, it's wow Sam was everywhere. He was it He was in Austin and then he did Something else and something else so just to recap Larry David. I got a Larry it was horrible Sam gets a photo of him. He's smiling. He looks happy. I thought it was some like some Jew on Jew stuff. The agent heard the pod. He heard me trashing him. Oh wow. And so he got, he felt bad. Now I feel bad because he feels bad. He got his act together and with Sam he rolled out the red carpet. This guy is great, he's a comedian, he's a New York guy,

you gotta beat him, he sold out this and that and Larry's like, oh how about that? And Larry's schmoozing and chumming up. You're Jackie Robinson and he's, you know, Buck O'Neil or whatever. You're getting bricks thrown through your window so the rest of this, so Ken Griffey Jr. can come be the star of the show. Exactly! I fluffed Larry and he got the fuck up in the ass. Wow, that's no fair. No fair.

Put your name in the corner of his photo. Thank you! I'm the opener. Exactly. Yeah, I greased the wheels but uh... By the time I meet Larry, he's gonna be sucking me off. We're gonna write a script together. That's true. That's true. Poor Larry. He's just getting passed around like a white chick and an orgy. Well, that's what he gets for touring and being a genius. That's true. It's the problem with succeeding is people got to want a piece of you. So if you wanted it to be so quiet and curmudgeony, Larry, you shouldn't have wrote the two best shows

of all time. Good point. Put that in your pipe and blow me. Suck it, LD. So yeah, Sam got the great, great, great meet and greet and also you're next yeah we'll see I'll try to make it happen well that that agents gonna be yeah he's gonna pull you in on a throne and carry in with a leaf fanning you I mean you're gonna look great that was his agent or your agent that's Larry David's guy oh okay well I'm gonna talk to Larry's guy there you go I still got this Eddie Vedder meeting that Nate promised me. Oh yeah!

He's promising big things. Well, I think you'll beat him. Nate's doing the garden, isn't that crazy? Is that right? MSG. Is that wild? I didn't know that. He was at The World, now he's doing MSG. Wow!

The World is the shittiest comedy club in New York. It's a back B room of a comedy club that we used to go to. Yeah, exactly. In the 80s. It was the worst room of a bad room. Yeah, yeah. All the people were barked in, like, come on in, folks. You couldn't get to that show, come to this piece of shit.

And they would come in and they would hate us. Yeah, I remember a lady complaining. She goes, I'm gonna call Comedy Central on you guys, which is the funniest thing I've ever heard. She thought Comedy Central was like a line that you call and complain about comedy. Because they lie with the tickets. They go, Greg Giraldo's here, Richard Pryor'sor's here Patrice O'Neill all the dead people are here

Yeah, that was one of Zack Amico's bits. He dumped coal on Bobby's desk. He goes that's not coal. That's Patrice's ashes That was pretty good Also, we're all supposed to bring our own Santa I brought Ron on soda brought sagalow Lewis brought Zach and Bobby brought big J And that goes I think you guys all just brought your fattest friend. Ah That's great. Yeah, it was pretty good All right, we got to wrap it up check out the the regs live from the Grammys C and that podcast if you want I got I don't know when the fuck this comes out Chuck isn't here. He's on vacation. He's killed himself

I think yeah. Yeah, I think he's working with are you garbage now? I can't keep up. Oh, where am I Kansas City January? 15th through the 17th the Comedy Club of Kansas City. I believe it is Matt Wayne's new special is out. That's on It's called take a sniff. He'll be with me in January in Kansas City January 23rd to the 25th Sunny Sunnyvale, back to Rooster Teeth Feathers. I haven't been there in years. I love that club, love Heather. So come on out to that up there. That's a nice town.

February 7th, we added a show in Montreal. First one sold out, so thank you, Montreal. Can't wait for that. Valentine's Day, comedy dojo with Sarah. Sarah and I did the comedy dojo on Valentine's Day and keep an eye out for Tom Dustin portrait of a comedian that's gonna be in theaters everywhere and the big one is January 9th right now in Somerville I don't know when the fuck this episode comes out but January 9th Somerville it's a Thursday night go see the movie there and check out our

patreon we just went to comedy dojo yes, Brendan Sagalow all went out there together. We recorded an episode. We did some behind the scenes. We were on stage together for about 45 minutes, riffing and it was murder. Unbelievable. It wasn't even like a pot, like people hate the live podcast. This was us crowd work, riffing off the top of our heads,

killing and you're gonna wanna see that. It'll be exclusively on the Patreon and a bunch more killer shit like that coming in the new year. Oh yeah, zingin' and zangin', hot crowd right out in Jersey, good time. I'm in Houston Improv, Phoenix, speak of the anal, there at the Stand Up Live, whatever that's called, and then Addison in Dallas. Then we go to the Ryman, we got some fun casinos, I'm coming to Vegas for some shows. So yeah, come on out. Say hello. Queef it up. Get on the Patreon. It's Hummin. It's Cookin. I'm gay. We're here. Thank you. Praise Allah. I'm in the heavens when legends cry Homelessly watching the music die them, they stay anonymous, I can't hang up, that's all the rules. I never know what's gonna happen. We get serious ones, I've talked with meth dealers on their way to prison,

I've talked to people who survived mass shootings, crazy funny ones, I talked to a guy with a goose laugh, somebody who dresses up as a pirate on the weekends, I never know what's gonna happen. It's a great show. Subscribe today, beautiful anonymous. The mysterious death of a toddler. The gruesome killings of prominent billionaires. The cold case of two murdered women. Death in a small town. The billionaire murders. 40 years cold. I'm Kevin Donovan and this is Suspicion, a podcast from the Toronto Star. Listen for a new season with a new case, early 2025. Meanwhile, look for new bonus episodes of Billionaire Murders at thestar.com or wherever you find your favorite podcasts.