Tuesdays with Stories! - #586 The Prodigal Sam

Episode Date: January 7, 2025

We are BACK in Joe’s apartment! Mark is back from Nashville and the roast of the Jellyroll with Whitney Cummings, Bert Kreischer, Big Jay Oakerson, Tony Hinchcliffe, Adam Ray, Kid Rock and more - but Mark has a panic attack onstage! Meanwhile Joe wants to spread his norovirus around the New York comedy scene so he throws a party with Matt Wayne, Jason Kanter, Stavros, Louis CK and more! Mark heads out to LA for Netflix’s Roast of 2024 with Tim Dillon, Sam Morril and more! Joe starts his new monthly show at Sesh with Ian Lara, Luis J Gomez, and most of the norovirus party gang! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - New DraftKings customers can download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code TUESDAYS to get $200 in bonus bets instantly when you bet just $5. - Support the show and sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial period at https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays - Support the show and get 15% off your Raycon order sitewide at https://www.buyraycon.com/tuesdays - Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew at https://www.bluechew.com - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS

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Ontario hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose why I'm... Go! Ha! Here we are, we're back on the couch in lower Manhattan. Here we go baby. Yeah we're back, we're on the southern tip, the real purple part, right

where it goes from beige to purple. I love a two tone and no foreskin down here, we're back. We're on the southern tip, the real purple, but right where it goes from beige to purple. I love a two-tone and no foreskin down here. We got rid of that. It's very exciting. Now we're doing your house tomorrow? Next time? I mean next week? Yes. That's exciting. Now do you have a all set up and gay? Well, all we need is that beauty right there. I already do a casting couch with kids there. So it's all ready to go got the filming and I got a nice couch we got some indoor what do you call that a plumbing no we got that heating we got the windows with the lighting natural light natural light love natural light beer I got no light right here look at this just pressing

the bed the bedrooms a little depressing we're working on it we're trying to I'm thinking about it you know you hang guitar? I love a hang guitar. Well, I got that. I got two of those when I hang the guitar and the mandolin, but I might hang the sex toys. Hang it. Was he a black guitar? Oh.

Too soon. They hung Italians, too. That was a, is that true? Yes. I don't know what they're talking about. Like in the old west. I don't know, in America. Like in the 18.

Yeah, the old west of America. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, they hung everybody. Back then you stole a chicken, they hanged you. That's true. Well hung. Yeah. And Epstein.

Those blacks are well hung, that's for sure. Oh, yeah. More ways than one. That's crazy to just hang somebody. They must have sucked. Just shooting someone is the way to go. That's what we do now. Shooting is good.

Then there's the lethal inject. Oh, yeah, that's fun. I guess if I had to go, I'd go lethal injection. Although I hate needles. I don't like needles. Shoot me. Give me a cigarette. Shoot me in the head. Shoot me. That was supposed to be Full Metal Jacket, but it just sounded like Tom Waits or something.

What's the difference between hanging and lynching? Well, I think hanging is a part of the lynch. The lynch, like a hanging doesn't have to be a lynching, but a lynching has to be a hang. No, a lynching can be not hanging too. I think you can burn someone can lynch. Well, so what is a lynch? Carmen Lynch, Jane Lynch, Stephen Lynch, David Lynch, Lynchburg, Kentucky. Lynch pin. Oh yeah. Out to Lynch. Good special. Maybe that's the pin that holds the noose. Lynching. No, I don't know. I think, well, lynching just means like we run out, we grab somebody, we tie them to the truck or the car or the horse. You pull them apart. I think

it's just a group murder is a lynch. Is that a pillage? No, pillage is like you run around raping or is plunder the rape. I think rape and pillage, pillage and plunder. Oh, I don't know. Plunder. Yeah. Plunder goes with pillage. You don't get a solo plunder, but you typically get a pillage and a plunder. I got indoor plundering. Wait a minute. I didn't know what a plot. I've never heard plunder. I don't think you've heard plunder pillage and plunder. Yeah. Yeah. That's a Friday. Rape and pillage. I don't know. By the way, we just had a meeting with YouTube. They're going to tell us everything we can and can't say. And I feel like this is is a demonetize can we say any of this Chuck? I think it's insane but Lynch is a name though. Yeah I don't think we're using it in that

context we're talking about. It's a Garmin Lynch and Jane. They're gonna give me time stamps of everything you say that I have to cut out. I'm not cutting it out we can monetize other ways we got the patreon we got ads. What if we were talking about the old slave days in a historical pot? Well, YouTube has just become TV now. I know, you cunts. That's the crazy thing. It's like George Carlin had that old bit about athletes. Like if you got rid of Major League Baseball

and broke it down and made it illegal, all the athletes would just start playing again. And then eventually some guy would be like, I'm gonna charge people to watch this. Oh, I don't know that bit. Yeah, he had it, I think it was in his book guy would be like, I'm going to charge people to watch this. Oh, I don't know that bit. Yeah, he had it. I think it was in his book.

He's like, eventually the athletes would still do their thing because they want to play. So they would play and some guy would go, we could sell tickets to this. And then he would take the money and give them a cut of the money. It would just start over again. And it's the same with show business. Like we all went to YouTube. We were like, FUT Network, Network SUT. Did I say FUT?

FUT Network TV. That's a good way to clean it up. That's pretty good. Yeah, clean it up, FUTt Network, Network SUTt, did I say FUTt? FUTt Network TV. That's a good way to clean it up. That's pretty good. Yeah, clean it up with FUTt, it's like segs. These coonts, Dean Coonts. Coonts. So we leave, we go to YouTube, and then eventually YouTube

has advertisers so you make money that way, but then the advertisers go, well I don't want to advertise if they're saying cunt, so then YouTube's like, all right, you can't say cunt anymore. So now we're back, we gotta go to x if they're saying cunt. So then YouTube's like, all right, you can't say cunt anymore. So now we're back. We got to go to x or punch up live.com. Well, you know my famous wives tale. And give us a goog if you have to.

Thomas Edison started Hollywood in Edison, New Jersey. He had all these rules. You got to make a movie like this. And they said, fuck this. And the Jews went out to the old west and made Hollywood out in the LA. No kidding. And now Hollywood's all, you gotta have this,

you gotta have that, and now it's on the internet. It just keeps jumping around. It's like prohibition. We can't have booze here, we'll go in the basement and do it. Right. I don't think we should censor. I'm not for it, but I'll do whatever you want me to do.

No censoring. No, we're not censoring. I wouldn't censor if my sister's ass fell in my tits. Lesbians love to censor. Make that a bumper sticker. What's that? I wouldn't censor if my sister's ass fell in my tits. That's fun. That's fun.

It's a long bumper. Know what it means. Yeah, big bumper. Bumper stickers are out, I feel. Oh, you still see a cage that co-exist as big. Ah. That's gay. We had a, when I was banging, we had erasism, which I think

they thought was pretty clever. Oh, right, right. You got kind of hipster hippie parents. It's funny. I do. I got a real left- wing lib cuck dad. Interesting, that's fun. Good people.

Of course. Good eggs. I think you don't want to concern, then I would have gone to church. We grew up atheist, I go, is there a Santa? My mom said no, men are evil. I said, I got it. That was my childhood.

But then they sent you to Catholic school. Yeah, it was fucking up. I see. So they had to get some structure. So it all comes back around in the wash. Yeah, it was fucking up. I see. So they had to get some structure. So it all comes back around in the wash. Yeah, it all goes up and comes out and has farts on it. But what the fuck were we talking about anyways? We went from-

Cunt, rape, pillage, plunder. You were hanging. Oh, hanging a guitar. Oh, yeah. I was just saying, it was a silly joke. But the idea of hanging your sex toys. Like you hang your guitar, it's a decoration. But we could have a dildo and a viper now we have a son so it's a

little weird but a vibrator a dildo the nipple clamps just have them all hanging I love it it's like an action movie where he goes into that room and there's all the guns and the sticks and the batons and the knives on the wall yes you could do that with dildos and and vibrators now let me ask you this have you ever gotten it into any bondage I was talking to a friend of mine, a comic, I don't want to say his name, but he's a comedian. He got him and his girlfriend were using nipple clamps. You ever hear of nipple clamps and a chain and a handcuff? Yeah, I've heard of it and I've had a couple of ladies in the past who are really into

that dark shit, but I don't care for it. If I want to inflict pain, I'll just hit her. I don't need a nipple clamp. I can squeeze a nip. Working for the clamp down. Well, yeah, he's got a clamp on each nipple and a chain across the thing and he pulls the chain and spits in her mouth. Oh, yeah. I know a lady who's into that. She she got a sex swing and a ball gag and all that. By the way, my Asian girlfriend, she had a period clamps. But yeah, I don't get it. But hey, to each his anal. Oh, cramps, clamps.

Thank you. Took me a second. Yeah, I don't know. I'm trying to mix things up here. I got a couple bits about it. But I'd like a tie down, but I don't have a tie down kind of way. But even so, you tie them down, you fuck them, and then, because my wife's not like grabbing me and pushing me, so the tie down, I guess, is...

Good point. Yeah, I don't need her tied down. I tied my wife down once and I just went through her wallet. I made her watch, but yeah. Her wallet's gone. But yeah, I don't get it, but some people need all that, but to me, I'm like, if you need all that, it's like putting seasoning on a thing. I'm like, how good is the food if you're covering it with all this extra shit?

Well, I just think you've been together a long, long, long time. So you got to spice it. You got to put on a mask and a wig and you know. Well, people always go, what's your fetish? And I'm like random women. You know, strange new whores. Yeah, that's a good fetish. It makes sense. Strange new whores is a great sci-fi That's a good band. Oh, yeah all of it. Did you shit already? Oh Okay, oh

But I said loud and clear and you said thank you You implying that you were shitting I didn't catch that cuz you were like I'm gonna have to use the bathroom at some point And then I said loud and clear you said thank you that makes sense that that to me shit. Anytime you announce bath, I mean I had a bit like this with my wife, she'd be like, I have to go to the bathroom. But she only says that when she has to shit. Alright. When she has to pee, she just goes to the bathroom. Good point. Anytime you're like, I need to use the bathroom. Usually that means you got a big old dirty

spike in your asshole. That's true, miscarriage something. I always say, don't you hate when you're shitting in a public space and you're like I gotta go quick so people don't know I'm shitting of course That's the worst. That's why I love you want you need the multiple bathroom with the occupied Yeah, green red so they can a single solo public bathroom is the fucking worst thing on earth The worst and the door of course doesn't come all the way down. They see your feet. I'm texting. But I always do this when I come out of the bathroom.

I go, kind of like, oh, I was just zipping up. I'm only a zip. But you zip if you shit or piss. I guess she got something there. Yeah. Zipper head. Does it really make sense? Zippity-dooda.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Dave. He's got a foot pillow there. That's the luxury. You want one? I got a, this was accidental, by the way. It just kind of fell that way. Oh, there's a sock.

How about that? I was on a flight yesterday. I kicked the shoes off, and it smelled like high heaven in there. I had to put those puppies right back on. Tell me about LA, because you were in La La Land. Sam called, and he was disgruntled. And you were disgruntled. I want to hear about Los Angeles you were in La La Land, Sam called and he was disgruntled, and you were disgruntled.

I want to hear about Los Angeles. I love La La Land. I miss going to LA. I miss the warmth. I miss the fun. It's a fun city to visit. I know I was with Sam, the prodigal New Yorker. Prodigal Sam.

And he just like, fuck this town. I'm like, palm trees, sun shining. I'm drinking an $18 smoothie, having a blast. But let me start from the start. Please, tell me about Thanksgiving. So we do dojo. I'm going that far back. Dojo.

Which is the first place I heard about the UFOs, by the way. The drones. The drones. The drones. Yes, that's true. That was the drone, initiative drone thing. I told my niece it's Santa, she loved it. Hey, that's pretty good. Hey, I'll take it.

But there's like nine of them. She's like, well that's Santa too. I was like, that's Easter Bunny. I panicked. But yeah, so we do, I fly in from New Orleans, we go straight to Dojo, we come back home at 1 AM, I fly right to Nashville. Smashville. Gashville.

And we're doing Jelly Rolls Roast. Jelly Roll. One of the most famous people in America, apparently. Yeah, I don't even know what single thing he's ever done other than hang out with Josh Adam Myers and Burt Crusher. Yeah, well, he's fat, he's got face tattoos, he does the two at the garden. I mean this guy is big time. And it's country hip hop. Yes. Yeah, I gotta check him out. I gotta give a good sniff to Jelly Roll.

He's good, sweet guy, nice guy, loves comedy, and he loves us. He's a big fan of this world. No kidding. Oh yeah. And he just lost 100 LBs. Oh, that's good. Because I don't even know the man, but everyone loves him and I see him and I'm like, this doesn't look great. No, no, he looks horrible, but he's coming around. By the way, Jelly Roll, JR. Hey, hey.

So, I had a good joke on him, now I can't think of it. Waylon Jennings. Because as soon as you finish shoot something, do you feel like all that goes? Your brain just I'm out. Yeah. So we go there. Now, how about this? I get in the car. This is my manager fucked up.

I get the Uber to go to LaGuardia to fly to Nashville. Get Uber. I'm on no sleep. I'm tired. I look at my calendar. It says LaGuardia. Darla, go to my sleep, I'm tired. I look at my calendar, it says LaGuardia, da da da da. Go to my app, the Delta app, it says JFK. We're already on the way to LaGuardia, so I go, sir, step on it, we gotta take a U-turn, and he goes, you got to put it in, put it in.

I was like, ah! So now you're trying to figure out how to put it in, but he's still going towards LaGuardia, so I'm like, just turn it or start turning I'm not gonna make it. We've lost JFK is way further. It's in a different direction I'm never gonna make it if I miss this flight the whole thing's ruined and I kind of had that feeling of like fuck it I'm so tired. I just want to go home Fuck the flight. So we still go to JFK

It's like all right. I got four minutes to get to boarding. I got three minutes to get to boarding. So I'm doing the whole, you know, pre-check, shoes off, dick out, not a terrorist. You run through, you get there, it's like the boarding is about to close in two minutes and I'm like sweating, pulling the bag, coat on, delayed. Oh, pretty great though. One of the few times the delay has saved me. sweating, pulling the bag, coat on, delayed.

Oh! Pretty great though, one of the few times a delay has saved me. Oh yeah, I gave the wrong reaction. Nice! Thank you! Sorry, it's so ingrained to hear delay get furious. I know, I know.

But delay is good, and, but also the thing, I think what I odd about is, if you had just known, you wouldn't have had to hustle. I know, I know, but I was just so shucking and jiving the whole time during security. And so it delayed like two hours. I go to the lounge. I really regroup.

But you've got to love that moment when you're running and you're like, whoa. And the guy's like, it's that. It's delayed. Yeah, it's kind of like in New York City where you run for the subway. You come flying down the steps and you jump in the train. You realize it's been delayed.

You've just been sitting there for half an hour. And everybody's like, we all did that, don't worry, it's not going anywhere. And then you look like a dickhead. You have that moment like, right guys, I made it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you. So delayed, whatever, get there, land, go right to the hotel.

Bert Kreischer goes, you wanna do something burning? We got like five hours for the roast. I was like, yeah, sure. Go do something's burning, had a great time. He made Nashville Chicken with me and Big J. Big J is hilarious. So he was shooting the show in Nashville? In Nashville.

Oh, nice. He just gets an Airbnb in Anal and says, oh, there's going to be a bunch of comics around. I'll capitalize. Boy, these guys are smart. I'm dumb. I know, they're good. If I was smart, I might be successful.

Brilliant idea to get other funny people to do your work. That's not bad Byron Allen So we do something's burning I go back and Whitney Cummings text me She goes hey, how's your jokes looking you want to go over them? And I'm like, I don't want to do any work I got jokes written out people gave me some jokes. I wrote a couple zingers So I was like, I'll see you in hell fuck Fuck off, you big-tittied whore. And I go back to my room. We get picked up. We show up to Zany's.

It's a who's who of who's voting for Red. I mean, it's like Kid Rocks over there, some guy from Yellowstone's over there, other people, I don't know, big music acts, country. Tammy Wynette's blowing me. Wow. It was wild wild big mop of red hair So we go it's Tony Hinchcliffe. It's Whitney Cummings. It's Adam Ray. It's big J. It's Burke Chrysler It's my son. It's it's Chris Porter is on Josh Adam Myers Josh Adam Myers Will Compton

I don't know Will Compton football player see you MP-O-M-P-T-O-N. Yeah, exactly. He's bussin' with the boys? Is that something? Bus boys? I don't know. I'm out of the loops. I know Miss Rachel now. It's embarrassing. I didn't know that much before though. That's true. Alright, so everybody's having a good time. Crowd's okay. It's sold out. It's fun. Jelly Roll's there with his wife, Bunny, and they're on stage, he looks great. It's an honor to be there, he picked me out, and everybody's doing well.

Adam Ray killed, Whitney crushed, Bert made his own thing. Chris Porter goes, let me just play what a basic Jelly Roll song is. And he starts talking about, ah, my life sucks, and then he goes, sweet home, Alabama. So basically, he says a few personal things and then goes into a cover. Right, that's funny. It killed, it really crushed.

And I go up there and I realized, all right, I'm half in the bag, I've been drinking all day with the Something's Burning, had some drinks there. I get on stage, I haven't even looked at my notes. Oh boy. They're just crumpled up and I unfold it and I'm like Jelly roll is fatter than Lizzo Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait, uh Gizzo, oh And you know, you're kind of you're bombing and now your mouth's getting dry

You're drunk. So the papers like this and I look over and every comic is looking at me like this. Oh And I had like a panic attack. Which I never have. You know when you're like out of body and I'm looking at myself bombing and I'm looking at the crowd like, I thought this guy had a, you know, I thought he had some specials and some credits

and what's going on here? And I couldn't get it together. Oh god. And I just tanked. I bombed and it was one of those bombs where I was like, I don't know Hold on. Let let me try one more and I'm shuffling the pay. It was really embarrassing sounds like that British show we did

Way worse than that worse than that way worse. I know I know cuz at least that you could read the prompter like, let me take that again. This is just bombing in front of a sold out crowd. And your friends. I mean that you're like, these aren't my friends. These are some Brooklyn assholes. Exactly. And I went third to last. So like Adam Ray did a bunch of my stuff. So crossing shit out. And Whitney had a similar joke to mine. Should have bounced with her. I should have bounced. Yeah. Bouncy tits. So is this going on somewhere?

No, I hope not. What? No YouTube? No nothing? Just for fun? I called my agent before. I was like, make sure to film this. I got some good jokes. I need content. She was like, all right, they don't want to film, but I'll work on it. So I get there and they're like, we got to film for you. And then after I was like, make sure that's not filmed. Throw that tape in the river. That was brutal. Wow. So classic old school roast with no filming. I like that. It was pretty great I mean Whitney had some brilliant stuff and Big Jay walked up and goes I didn't know this was a roast and winged it and killed. Wow that's what he did at the regs the live regs episode.

That's right. Wow he's very good winger. He's a pro right winger. Kip winger. And so I sat back down and it was one of those like, oh, what am I done with my life? I hate myself. The humiliation, the shame of not preparing. There's nothing worse than bombing a roast. Yes! Because a roast you want to do well. It's your peers!

Exactly. Well there's an old Bill Lee, my baseball idol, I love the man, they said, he pitched the Game 7 of the World Series, they said, is this the biggest game you ever pitched? And he said, no, the College World Series was, cause that was for fun. And I think about that with roasts. You wanna do better cause you're like, well now we're just having fun.

I know. This means more than my headlining show at whatever, the funny tits. Yes, 100%, your peers are watching, you feel like you let them down. You didn't prepare. And then it hit me like I'm taking on too much. I'm spread too thin. I'm overwhelmed.

What do I think? I think I'm just going to go up there and read some shit. It's going to murder. What did I think was going to happen? Right. So it was a real wake up call. I'm just sitting there and then like a couple of comics rift on how I bombed. That's that that sucks. But we get back into the green room.

I'm kind of like frozen and in shock of the bomb. And Adam Ray's trying to console me. Such a sweet guy, that Adam Ray. Wonderful man, we love Adam Ray. Weird that he did it as Biden, but I'll take it. And he goes, Kid Rock, you gotta meet Mark. And Kid Rock walks up and goes, horrible performance. What?

And I was like, oh, well I zinged him a few times. Oh. And the zing's bombed. So I think that was his way of being like, how do you like it there, Dickless? Kid Rock, bigger than you'd think. He's like 6'6", that guy. He's probably 6'3". Oh, maybe.

I only saw him walk by and he looked tall. Maybe he just has a small entourage, so he looks bigger. Oh, that's true, that's true. All right. Yeah, he had a midget with him. Joe C. Joe C. Wow, Chuck's a Kid Rock fan. How about that? That adds up?

I just like kids what do they say the kids that checks out but not checks out that that tracks that tracks tracks Yes, you suck and he sucks. There you go Oh, I think they just made him like Secretary of Agriculture or something. Oh, I'm sure yeah I think he's in charge of ticketmaster or something something something crazy. Yeah. But when you meet the guy, you're like, well, this guy's a fucking asshole. But he was right. I had a horrible performance. And so then we all pile in a car. We're like, we're going to Kid Rock's bar. So we show up at Kid Rock's bar, hinge, cliff gets on the drums, jelly roll comes out. The place goes crazy. Wow. It was like being at a comedy club and Chris Rock shows up, you know?

Right. And Jelly Roll comes out and Kid Rock comes out, so the audience is like, we're at Kid Rock's bar and he showed up! That's what they think's gonna happen. That's the coolest. That was pretty great. It's not my scene, but it was cool to watch. Right. Wow.

So I drink more, I drink more. And then of course, now it's six a.m. and I'm like, ah, so now I'm on Nose to Begin, hung over again. And I flew out of flew out of Nash. And yeah, but you go to Providence, went right to Providence, two flights, missed the connection because of a delay. It was a nightmare. I finally make it to Providence, do two shows that night on fumes. Then I wake up, we go out drinking after that, I wake up hungover and my whiskey guy's like, where are you? I'm outside your hotel room and I'm like,

what are you talking about? He's like, we have a bottle signing, we got a Bodega Cat signing an hour away. So I'm like, ah, and he goes, we're already an hour late, what are you doing? And I'm like, I gotta get my shit together, we drive to the bottle signing. I'm hungover out of my mind I'm drinking whiskey should like try to get back to get back, right and we do the bottle signing four people show up I sold one to a kid and

That was then we did three shows that night Hey folks Tuesday's stories brought to you by giraffe Kings. Can you believe we're talking about the playoffs already? night. to get started make your first bet something super simple like wagering a certain player will score a certain number of touchdowns DraftKings is the number one place to bet touchdowns and the number one way to have a great time during the playoffs download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code Tuesdays that's code Tuesdays for new customers to get $200 in bonus bets instantly. When you bet just five bucks only on DraftKings Sportsbook, the crown is yours. Gambling problem?

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Yeah, yeah, well that's the plan. Everyone I talked to is like, well, Norman was supposed to do this, but he bailed the woman didn't show up to this You had the Adam ray thing Salak you said you borrowed his car and crashed it or something or died or whatever though. Oh, yeah Couple other things well, I'm trying to live before the kid comes out. This is this is my last hurrah there Jerry good hurrah Well, there's more hurrahs. You're gonna hurrah in 18 minutes. 18 years, I meant to say. Joe Harare. Yeah, he's OK. But 18 years, you get another hurrah.

You'll be 60 and living the life. That's a long wait for a hurrah. That's true. Well, you got a couple hurrahs. They go to daycare at some point or something like that. Maybe you get a nanny. You should get a nanny. Yeah.

You're a nanny guy. My friend's a Marine. Hurrah. Get a male nanny. Just no tempt. No, you can't get a male nanny. What're a nanny guy. My friend's a Marine. Hoorah! Ah. Getting a male nanny. Just no tempt. No, you can't get a male nanny. What about a... They're tempted to fuck the kid. Oh, that I'm okay with. Why is the camera moving up? What's going on? Bad shot? Should we start over?

Lot of head room. Max head room. Alright. It took you a half hour to notice that. What's going on here? You took that long shit, didn't you? Chuck just had a movie deal collapse. Every time I see Chuck, he's like, I got a $300,000 movie deal that we see him today. He's like, it's all over. I'm like, I know.

Well, the money came in. I knew it wasn't happening. But let me just say this. With the boos, with the hangover, with the schedule, and the bomb, I crumble. I started crumbling, and I did that thing where I got all emotional, and I texted everyone on the dais, and I apologized for my performance. Oh, wow. That's good. You should apologize to the audience.

That's true. It's also funny when you go up to all these people who are in the green room after the show, and I was like, ah, I sucked, and they go, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah, well, sometimes you suck every once in a while. At least it's not going out. That's the big thing. That's big. But you could sweeten it, at least. It was going out.

No, no, it was too, it's too far gone to sweeten. No, no sweeten. Yeah, I'm just like, oh, what, what, oh, let me, let me, oh, no way, what was that again? I had a good one, don't worry folks, it was, it was bad. Well, the nice thing about the baby is it reels everything in anyways because then you have the kid and you're like I just can't do that That's true. I can't go there. I know I don't do anything anymore Well, you picture hey jelly roll roast in Nashville is gonna be fucking awesome some celebrities there and then you've realized like oh you got

To do the work though. Now. Do you think them not filming it made you go? No, cuz I thought it was filmed. I was like the film they're like we got the film Right easy, but we made it work and now I'm like get rid of the film. Oh gotcha Well, there's always a next roast which you already did. That's true. Yeah, well, we'll get to that I guess to that and that one when I prepared let me give you a couple things I haven't been I haven't been traveling too much. I was home all weekend. I was sick. I recovered I thought it was over. We had our holiday party.

We missed you. You were out in La La Land with old Samaroo. Yes. But we had a wonderful party for Marjorie. What a hang we had. Epic, epic hang. Out in the park? Right here.

Oh, in the building. Right smack in the house. And I don't know. I think norovirus may linger longer than I realized because. Yikes, norephron. I was on my deathbed Sarah was on her regular bed Marty was shitting up fucking brown ice cream all week, but we thought well five days of fast We'll have everyone come over I feel like a hundred percent and about half the party got sick

But it might have been the shrimp or the cheese or just going around. That's true It's it's in the air, but we had a wonderful hang, we had Matt Wayne, whose new special is out, Take a Sniff. Oh shit, I gotta share that, I didn't know. Yeah, it came out last Friday, I watched, it was in the chat room, the chat room was a blast, it was all Tuesdays. Hell yeah.

It was fun, we got 40,000 views in the first couple days, which is nice. That's huge. Yeah, it's pretty good, and the special is hilarious because obviously I was there and I've worked with them and all over the town. But I was like, just kind of the baby goes to bed. Sarah was working. So I just had it on kind of the background.

I was in the chat having fun with the fans doing push ups and jumping jacks. You know, you got a multitask. Yeah. And every once in a while, I just hear a joke like, like, oh, I love that. And it's a joke I've heard 75 times, but it just hits you. He's a silly goose. Love when it hits you. And he's exactly the kind of comic I like. He's totally original, totally himself, and just silly in good ways. Just a good, silly, goof, fun, funny guy.

Love it. And he's hilarious. Someone in the comments was like, he says, crocodile Dundeel. That's one of his go-to lines. Dundeel. And someone wrote, I've been trying to get says crocodile Dundeel? That's one of his go-to lines. And someone wrote, I've been trying to get this started for years and I can't get over, I'm furious. I'm like, no, that's his. You didn't have crocodile Dundeel.

Nah, get out of here. Get out of here. You're full of shit, Teddy. That's an MW original. Anyway, so that was fun. Sunday we had a, well, Saturday we went to Madison Square Garden, Matt and I, to celebrate, to watch college basketball, Gonzaga versus UConn. And it was the drunkest,

most annoying loud cause it's all you con people. They've won back to back championships. So it was packed out with these Yukon queefs, just the bro is bros. And then I ran into one of these guys that maybe I was like him when I was drinking. So I got to go easy, but he was in the snack line next to me, a little weasel. He's about 5'6", 102 pounds, and he's got his big buddy. You know the guy? Maybe you were this guy, the wise ass guy, who's got the big buddy.

Oh, I know the big buddy. And you just want to go, why don't you have your big buddy take a walk? Yeah, then we'll see what's what. And I go, I'll have a water and a bag of plain M&Ms. And then he's hammered, and he looks way up at me. He's like four eight and he goes, he goes, Whoa, what did he say? What big boss or a ballin? He goes, Hey, you're ballin. And I go, what's that? He goes, ballin big ballin to the big guy guy and I go, yeah.

And he goes, pfft, pfft. He goes, I don't even get it. And the big guy goes, I don't even think he knows what you're talking about. And you wanna just be like, this isn't, you're not, like you're looking at me like I'm a boomer as of, I'm like, it doesn't even make sense what you're saying. It's silly, you're just saying balling and giggling. And you just wanna smack his, to be hit a mustache

and glasses and like a silly hat that's sitting up here. And you just wanna go like, t be a mustache and glasses like a silly hat here and you just want to go like And then you know it punch the big guy in the face and kick him in the balls and crack him in the jaw What is that? We were in LA and this guy goes you want to drink and me and Sam go now We're good and he goes. What are you gay? You're like we're doing this still right? I don't know. What year is it? What grade are we in? What are we in high school? I'd rather be called gay than like balling. It just didn't, there's like a one word. I'm like, get out of here.

Yeah, yeah. Anyways, he sucked. So then we go in and I'm sitting in the, this is like embarrassing. We got nosebleed seats because ticket, man, everyone just buys the seats immediately. So you got to go, all right, boo, boo, boo. I get the, I'm in section 241, row 75. We're hiking up there. And as we get up there, there's one guy who goes, Joe List, motherfucking Joe List.

This is crazy. You're here. I'm a twosgate. My seat is directly in front of him. We're like Maverick and Goose. How crazy is that? So I'm just sitting, so the whole night, I can't look at my phone because he's gonna be looking

at my wife's panties and Karen's tits. Whatever I'm looking at, he can see. Yeah, if Larry Day was sitting in front of me, I'd check his phone too. Of course. My codes, I'm nervous. He's a great guy. His name was Adam. Shout out to Adam.

Big Adam. That's lunch. But he was nice. But then his friend didn't know me, so he was busting my balls. He's like, oh boy, I think you're a celebrity. I've never heard of you. I'm like, I know. Yeah, it's crazy. He's like oh boy you think you're a celebrity I've never heard of you. I'm like I know yeah it's crazy and he's like boy these aren't exactly celebrity seats up here. I'm like I know it's crazy. You're really ballin'. And I could tell his friend was feeling

weird about it but anyways he was great and nice and he did the I won't bother you and he did it. Then I had a funny bit because now I know he's behind me so that every time the cheerleaders were on the big screen I'd snap 50 photos of the cheerleader that was a fun bit and did he get it oh yeah he was hilarious and then he had a good line he goes that's for when the internet goes out which is funny. Hey! Alright Adam you big cleave. So we had a great time there's a bunch of drunk idiots but what are you gonna do I was one of those ones so then Sunday we have the big party and we had it was a who's who who cares

It was a Isabelle Hagan Jason canner Matt Wayne Andrew Chavone Katie Hannigan Mike Becky own. I dodged a bullet Louie was here So I tell I text everybody one to five ish Stavros came of course big stop. That's what time Stavros left. Oh It's one to five. I guess he left at what 430 945 Well, he probably was trying to leave for a while. He's a big man I think this is I don't know he's the sweetest boy and hey he could stay here for all he could fuck my wife in Front of me. He's a beautiful man. We go way way back. He's a sex symbol

He's first class all the way, but we put the baby down I'm like, all right, I go in the bedroom. It's one of those ones where you put the baby down. You're like, I got that's my job I put the baby down. It's singing whatever You come out. He's still sitting there. I was like, ah So what's going on and then we just chatted and chatted and I go to bed at fucking 830 p.m. Yeah Yeah, just sat there and I go to bed at fucking 8.30 p.m. these days and he just sat there. I went to bed. 9.45.

9.45. That is excessive. And I was doing his podcast the next morning at 11 a.m. Yay! You could have knocked it out here. Exactly. But he's great and I'm always happy to see Stubby. I mean just one of the great, great, great guys.

Beautiful guy. Hilarious and fun to talk shit with and he's the best. Anyways, so speaking of being off of the invite time parties from one to five ish. Oh, here we go. So we're hanging out sitting around and Sarah's cooking. She's in her pajamas, no bra, tits out one nipple over here, one nipple up here. You know, party is crunch time. You got to have everything ready. Everything good to go. Get out of my way. my way. I'm in work mode. Oh, it's crunchy time, baby. Granola crunch. And I'm in the baby's bedroom with him. He's in his panties. He's wearing lace underwear. I got no shirt on and we're playing, you know, tic-tac-toe and hopscotch. And I just hear a boong-boong.

Not the downstairs bell. Now I'm living in a luxury apartment, not to brag. It's very exciting. You have a doorman, so they call on the phone. Mark Doorman. And they go, hey, fucking Steve's coming up. I go, great, all right. Hang up. This is my actual doorbell. So somehow, whoever this guest is has circumvented. Now I have a feeling because I know a slippery wuff when I hear one. The doorman, yeah. He might have a pie, for instance. Yes. Maybe he was born here. The doorbell rings, Sarah goes to open the door in her pajamas with the hair net on and a pair of reading glasses. Open the doorbell, Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings.

Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings.

Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings.

Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door, and the doorbell rings, Sarah goes to open the door in her pajamas with the hair net on and a pair of reading glasses, opens the door, it's lock, stock and barrel, one Matt Salacuse, his wife, his son, his dog, the cat, he's got a fishing rod, he's got a chocolate babka, a basketball, a dinosaur, and two books. Oh man. And I just hear, because I'm in the other room, I just hear, hey, hey!

No! And I'm like literally two rooms away around the corner with the baby going, what the fuck is going on here? I poke my head out, and oh man, it's Sally. That big old pizza pie. I mean, he was here 95 minutes before guest number two, or guest number four, I should say say because he brought his whole goddamn family It's true. He wielding his grandma. I mean, I've never met any of these people. He's like, you know, Stacy. I'm like I don't he's like

You know Charlie. I'm like, I've never heard of Charlie. I didn't know you had a kid I thought I hit the Vietcong with him when he said Charlie. I didn't know what was going on So I go okay, let me put some pants on. Sarah had to run and put lipstick on. I picture her with a nightcap and a candle. Who goes there? You got a lantern? Well, you just assume no one's getting there to 1.30, but he came in and took some blurry video.

And he was the best. It was great. I love Sally. If anyone's gonna show up early, you want it to be him. He's the best. They always do this one too. We're not even here. don't worry about me. Meanwhile, he's barbecuing in the living room,

he's flipping flapjacks and burgers. Yeah, and by the way, he left at 1.40. I mean like, he was bumping into people on the way out and he got lucky because he's the luckiest man on earth that he somehow gets these gigs. He won the apartment lottery too. Apartment lottery, he's best friends with P Diddy and Jay Z. That might not be going well. By the way I saw the funniest tweet I've ever seen from just a no-name account. Lay it on me, Fetty. Someone said this

n-word's got a hundred problems now. How good is that? That's been done. Well maybe this is the first tweet. Maybe, maybe. But yeah I saw that one 500 times so I guess I'm immune. Well, maybe this is the first tweet. Maybe, maybe. But yeah, I saw that one 500 times. So I guess I'm immune. Well, this one had 750,000 views. Oh, okay. Might have been the original. But I mean, how good is that? That's perfect. It's a perfect joke. Perfect joke. Anyway, so Salakus shows up at 1130 a.m. He got the best spot somehow. He just got a spot right in front of our house. Yeah. Then, by the way, he leaves at 1 30. That's when the party starts. The party's starting at 1 30. That's when the party starts. The party's starting at 1 30.

He's out the door. He's come. He broke everything. He stole some shit. He leaves and Siobhan is like circle around looking for a place. He's like, hey, do you have any idea where to park? And I'm like, well, Salacus has the best spot ever. Meanwhile, as I'm saying this, Salacus is cruising by.

He's going, thank you. Someone takes the spot. But it was awesome. Salacus rules. We had a great time. And the spot. But it was awesome. Salek use rules. We had a great time. And the kid, you know, he's at nine years old, so he wants to be bouncing off the walls. Sweet kid. And they're all sad.

Parents keep being like, be careful there. Don't touch that. And so I started up a bounce the ball into the chair, get it to sit in the chair like a carnival game. Right. Which is all he wants to do this kid. He wants to be a carnival barker. Interesting. Just hilarious. Strange gig. And we just played that for about two hours straight. It was a blast. Matt and Wayne and Christina showed up and boy, we just had a million laughs. And then, you know,

when you have a party, it's rocking for a while and then it's kind of dwindles. Yeah. You had like five people and that's when you just start going, this guy sucks. She blows. She's the worst. And that's when it gets really fun. It gets intimate. We had a great time, great party. We missed you. A lovely little party. And my last thing is, a couple nights ago I did my show at SESH starting a new show. Oh, tell me all about it, Fetty. I can't wait. Well, you were on the lineup. You had to bail for some TV gig. I paid five figures.

Not really. Little bullshit. But anyway, so we did Joe List and Friends downtown version at Sesh Comedy Club, which is a great room. Everybody raves about this room. I've still never seen it. Is that right? Never been. I'm always on the road.

They do weekends. Oh, well, you got to come to the next one. It's in Ho Chi No town. Oh, okay. Well, technically it's Lower East, but it's, it's Chinatown. Yeah, they take over that Viet Cong. That town just keeps spreading. Little Italy's gone. Lower East, but it's Chinatown. Yeah, they take over that Viet Cong. That town just keeps spreading. Little Italy's gone, Lower East Side's gone.

It's all Chinatown. They'll have the whole America soon. Those drones keep flying. By the way, Chinatown, great setting. Movie? I mean, you have Chinatown in the movie, you have Big Trouble Little Chinat. Two of the great movies ever.

Ah. Two different Chinatowns. That's true. And the other one's even New York Chinatown. Yeah, there's a Chinatown everywhere. There's also. And the other one's even New York Chinatown. Yeah, there's a Chinatown everywhere. There's also that movie with... It's like a chain. There's also...

Brooklyn has a Chinatown, I just found out. No. That's what I was just told. Is that right? That's what I heard. What about Japantown, a Koreatown? It's Koreatown. LA's got a Koreatown.

Yeah, that's where the Seinfeld apartment is. Fun fact. Really? Yeah, Koreatown. Wow, North or South Korea. Kim Jong-Ah. What was I gonna say? What's the Mickey Rourke movie also where he's in Chinatown? Hope of Greenwich Village? No, no, they're running around Chinatown. The wrestler? The cops, it's all in Chinatown. Rumblefish. I just watched it. It's not that great.

Mickey Rourke. Yeah, it's Mickey Rourke. Year of the Dragon. I don't know that one at all. It's kind of fun. It's cool. It doesn't matter. We do Sesh Comedy Club. The lineup is me, Ian Lara, it's supposed to be Karen Feehan. Women cancel every single show. They really love to cancel.

Have you ever gone to a show that there's no women on? It's because all the women cancel. And then you get yelled at. Exactly. Cancel culture. So we had Ian Lara. This is the lineup. Me, I hosted. Oh, wow.

Canadian style. Yeah, it was really fun. I think I'm going to do it like that. It was me, then Ian Lara, then Luis Gomez, then Louis, CK, all Latinos, right in a row. Ah, good point. And then Matt Wayne, and then I closed it out. Hottest fucking crowd ever.

Come on. Physically and comedically. Good looking Chinese down there. Just hot people, hot crowd. It's in a fucking basement. The Beastie Boys used to own the space. It was their space. Get out of here.

Whoa. Yeah, it's super cool. You got to come to the next show. Lex filmed it. It'll be on YouTube, some behind the scenes stuff. Not a ton of behind the scenes because Louis didn't want to be on camera. But it's super cool. You got to come to the next show. Lex filmed it. It'll be on YouTube, some behind the scenes stuff, not a ton of behind the scenes because Louie didn't want to be on camera. But fair. It's great looking underneath in this brick thing. And they just owned it. There's these weird autistic comics that built this fucking place.

Yeah. And it's just fucking awesome. We're going to do we're going to do it monthly. So start get excited. Come on out. I'm going to host. And it's like that thing that Janice used to do. It gives you a reason to write new. Bar four. Bar four. Give me on that, what was it, a Monday?

When are you doing it? I did it on a Tuesday. Oh, perfect. Yeah, I'll try to get you on. You try not to bail. I'll be there, Fanny. It'll be fun, but that's gonna be the new hot show in the city.

It was fucking awesome. Great night, great lineup. And then last night I went down to Souljo's with Siobhan and Matt Wayne and that's just the best room on earth. It's the hottest room. It's a little far. It's a night because you need to two hour drive home and change. So you get out of there at 11, now you're like home at one, but still it's great. Yeah. It's three hours down and two hours back, but boy, we had a fucking great time. The crowd, it's like doing a military show.

They're so grateful. Yes, they're grateful. It's like a cop benefit or a firehouse. They love to have you. They're never offended. It's awesome. And yeah, you can say anything. You can shit on anybody.

And they're just the fucking greatest. So shout out, Joel. Joel's the man. We love you, Joel. It's a great room. And you can shit on Joel. And they love man. We love you Joel, it's a great room, and you can shit on Joel and they love that, and then he clips it. Oh yeah, I mean he had bingo night going on. I'm like, I'm literally competing with bingo.

I pulled in, the parking lot's full, I'm like, I sold these tickets, and they show up and bingo is her name-o. Right, when I went it was ballroom dancing, it was just geriatrics spinning in a circle, and it was, they had more people than I did. It feels like dirty dancing, like in the Catskills. It is, it's a throwback, it's in this weird complex that does weddings, I guess.

Yes, and there's original Duke Ellington posters there, it's worth seeing, if you're a comedy pilgrim or whatever, go check out Souljowls. Yes. Anyways, I gotta hear about LA, I gotta Yes. And anyways, I got to hear about LA. I got to hear about this roast. I got to hear everything. Well, I was saving it for the next step, but I'll. All right. Just chill till the next episode.

Give me what else you got. Well, there's so much to talk about. I mean, first of all, this was like the Manhattan project. I mean, it was so many minds coming together and shit like this. So Netflix hits me up and goes, they're doing the roast of twenty twenty four and the agents like you should do it. Netflix has football coming. this so Netflix hits me up and goes they're doing the roast of 2024. And the agents like you should do it. Netflix has football coming.

They got a special. Do they have wrestling? That's what I think WWF right? January 6th, they're starting to air all the WF shows. Whoa, SmackDown NXT everything. Okay, perfect time for that. All right, well shit. So Netflix is about to have another big boom,

the Nate special, the football, the other squid games back. So they got some stuff on the dais, on the lineup. So my manager was like, you should probably do this. They're gonna get a lot of eyeballs. You don't have to burn material. It's roast jokes. Yeah. And I was like, well, who's on it? And they go Tim Dillon, Sam Morrill, Stavros, Whitney.

I was like, jeez, this is a powerhouse. And then I call Sam, he's like, I'm not doing that shit. Then I call Tim, he's like, I'm only doing it. Well, I don't want to get Tim in trouble. But he's doing it for a certain reason. And then Whitney's like, I'm out. I don't want to prepare for that. I was like, ah shit, I already said yes. So I tell Sam, I already said yes anyway, I got to do it

and he's like, well if you're doing it, fuck it, I'll do it. So now we're doing it together. So we're back. So what does it mean together? I mean, tell me about this decision. You're doing like a... A speed rose together. I go a line, he does a line. I do a line, he does a line. Gotcha. Gotcha. What makes you want to do that? I'm not saying it negatively. I'm like, what made you be like, this will be great. I thought it'd be fun. He's a friend. We're both joke guys. We know how to work

together. We've been riding together for 15 years. How often do you see a twofer? Right. Well, you had Tom and Burt. Wow, that was a scrub from humanity. You know, I feel like that came and went. Well you have the weekend update kinda. That's true, that's true. That's like that, sort of. That's seen in. But not often, that's why I'm interested.

Yeah, that's in a desk, it's topical. This is like, we're doing the holy Olympics, Stephen Hawking on the Epstein list, I mean, Diddy, Haktua. So how's it? Are you bouncing off each other? You're going, so Sam, did you hear about this? And then he does the punch line. Exactly.

I can't wait to see it. Vice versa. And we ran it. We tweaked it. I mean, when I say this is the Manhattan Project, we ate, shit, slept, and fucked these jokes. And created a bomb. serious ones. I've talked with meth dealers on their way to prison. I've talked to people who survived mass shootings. Crazy funny ones. I talked to a guy with a goose laugh. Somebody who dresses up as a pirate on the weekends. I

never know what's gonna happen. It's a great show. Subscribe today, Beautiful Anonymous.