Tuesdays with Stories! - #586 The Prodigal Sam [FIXED]

Episode Date: January 7, 2025

[Technical difficulties with the original upload have now been fixed, sorry about that everybody] We are BACK in Joe’s apartment! Mark is back from Nashville and the roast of the Jellyroll with Whitney Cummings, Bert Kreischer, Big Jay Oakerson, Tony Hinchcliffe, Adam Ray, Kid Rock and more - but Mark has a panic attack onstage! Meanwhile Joe wants to spread his norovirus around the New York comedy scene so he throws a party with Matt Wayne, Jason Kanter, Stavros, Louis CK and more! Mark heads out to LA for Netflix’s Roast of 2024 with Tim Dillon, Sam Morril and more! Joe starts his new monthly show at Sesh with Ian Lara, Luis J Gomez, and most of the norovirus party gang! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - New DraftKings customers can download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code TUESDAYS to get $200 in bonus bets instantly when you bet just $5. - Support the show and sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial period at https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays - Support the show and get 15% off your Raycon order sitewide at https://www.buyraycon.com/tuesdays - Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew at https://www.bluechew.com - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose why I'm so... Go! Ha! Here we are, we're back on the couch in lower Manhattan. Here we go baby! Yeah we're back, we're on the southern tip the real purple but right where it goes from beige to purple I love a two-tone and no foreskin down here we got rid of that it's very exciting now we're doing your

house tomorrow next time I mean next week yes that's exciting then you have a all set up and gay well all we need is that beauty right there I already do a casting couch with kids there so it's all ready to go. Got the filming and got a nice couch. We got some indoor, what do you call that? Plumbing. No, we got that. Lighting, heating.

We got the windows with the- Oh, lighting, natural light. Natural light. I love natural light. Good beer. I got no light right here. Look at this. Just depressing.

The bedroom's a little depressing. We're working on it. We're trying to, I'm thinking about it. You know how you hang a guitar? I love a hang guitar. Well, I got that. I got two of those. I'm going to hang the guitar and the mandolin, but I might hang the sex toys. Hang it.

Was he a black guitar? Oh. Too soon. They hung Italians, too. Is that true? Yes. Like in the old west. Oh, no.

In America. Like in the 18th. Yeah, the old west of America. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, they hung everybody. Back then, you stole Yeah, the old west of America. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, they hung everybody. Back then you stole a chicken, they hanged you. That's true. Well hung. And Epstein. Those blacks are well hung, that's for sure.

Oh yeah, more ways than one. That's crazy to just hang somebody. They must have sucked. Just shooting someone is the way to go. That's what we do now. Shooting is good. Then there's the lethal inject. Oh yeah, that's fun. I guess if I had to go, I'd go lethal injection. Although I hate needles. I don't like needles. Shoot me.

Give me a cigarette, shoot me in the head. Shoot me. That was supposed to be Full Metal Jacket, but it just sounded like Tom Waits or something. What's the difference between hanging and lynching? Well, I think hanging is a part of the lynch. The lynch, like a hanging doesn't have to be a lynching, but a lynching has to be a hang.

No, a lynching can be not hanging too. I think you could burn someone can lynch. Well, so what is a lynch? Carmen Lynch, Jane Lynch? Steven Lynch. David Lynch. Lynchburg, Kentucky. Lynch Pin.

Oh yeah, out to Lynch. Good special. Maybe that's the pin that holds the noose. Lynching, no, I don't know. I think, well, lynching just means like we run out, we grab somebody, we tie him to the truck or the car or the horse. You pull him apart. I think it's just a group murder is a lynch.

Is that a pillage? No, pillage is like you run around raping or plunder the rape. I think rape and pillage, pillage and plunder. Oh, I don't know. Plunder. Yeah. Plunder goes with pillage. You don't get a solo plunder, but you typically get and pillage pillage and plunder. Oh, I don't know plunder. Yeah, it's pill plunder goes with pillage You don't get a solo plunder, but you typically get a pillage and a plunder. I got indoor plundering Wait, I didn't know what a plot I've never heard plunder. I don't you've heard plunder pillage and plunder. Yeah, rape and pillage That's a Friday rape and pillage. I don't know by the way. We just had a meeting with YouTube They're gonna tell us everything we can and can't say. And I feel like this is a demonetize.

Can we say any of this, Chuck? I think it's insane. But Lynch is a name though. Yeah. I don't think we're using it in that context. We're talking about Garmin Lynch and Jane. That's true. Give me timestamps of everything you say that I have to cut out. I'm not cutting it out. We can monetize other ways. We got the Patreon. We got ads. What if we were talking about the old slave days in a historical pot? Well, YouTube has just become TV now. I know.

That's the crazy thing. It's like George Carlin had that old bit about athletes. If you got rid of Major League Baseball and broke it down, made it illegal, all the athletes would just start playing again. And then eventually, some guy would be like, I'm going to charge people to watch this. I don't know that bit. Yeah, he had everything was in his book.

He's like, eventually the athletes would still do their thing because they want to play. So they would play and some guy would go, we could sell tickets to this. And then he would take the money and give them a cut of the money. It would just start over again. And it's the same with show business. Like we all went to YouTube. We were like, FUT Network, Network SUT, did I say FUT? FUT Network TV.

That's a good way to clean it up. That's pretty good. Yeah, clean it up with FUT. It's like segs. These coonts. Uh, Dean Coonts. So we leave, we go to YouTube, and then eventually YouTube has advertisers so you make money that way,

but then the advertisers go, well, I don't want to advertise if they're saying cunt. So then YouTube's like, all right, you can't say cunt anymore. So now we're back and we got to go to xorpunchuplive.com. Well, you know my famous wife's tale, and give us a goog if you have to. Thomas Edison started Hollywood in Edison, New Jersey. He had all these rules, you got to make a movie like this. And they said, fuck this.

And the Jews went out to the old west and made Hollywood out in the LA. No kidding. And now Hollywood's all you gotta have this, you gotta have that, and now it's on the internet. It just keeps jumping around. It's like prohibition. We can't have booze here. We'll go in the basement and do it. Right.

I don't think we should censor. I'm not for it, but I'll do whatever you want me to do. No censor. No, we're not censoring. I wouldn't censor if my sister's ass fell in my tits. Lesbians love to censor. Make that a bumper sticker. What's that? I wouldn't censor if my sister's ass fell on my tits. Lesbians love to censor. Make that a bumper sticker.

What's that? I wouldn't censor if my sister's ass fell on my tits. That's fun. That's fun. It's a long bumper. Know what it means. Yeah, big bumper. Bumper stickers are out, I feel.

Oh, you still see a cage that coexist as big. Ah. That's gay. When I was banging, we had e-racism, which I think they thought was pretty clever. Oh, right, right. You got kind of hipster hippie parents. It's funny. I do. I got You got kind of hipster hippie parents. It's funny

I do I got a real left-wing Lib-cuck dad interesting. That's fun. Good people, of course good eggs I think you want you don't want to concern then I would have gone to church. We grew up atheist I go is there a Santa my mom said no men are evil I said I got it that that was my childhood, but then they sent you to Catholic school Yeah, I was fucking up. I see. So they had to get some structure. So it all comes back around in the wash.

Yeah, it all goes up and comes out and has farts on it. But what the fuck were we talking about anyways? We went from cunt rape pillage plunder. You were hanging. Oh, hanging guitar. Oh, yeah. I was just saying, I was going to. It was a silly joke, but the idea of hanging your sex toys, like you hang your guitar, it's a decoration, but we could have a dildo and a viper. Now we have the sun, so it's a little weird, but a vibrator, a dildo, the nipple clamps,

just have them all hanging. I love it. It's like an action movie where he goes into that room and there's all the guns and the sticks and the batons and the knives on the wall kind of presented. You could do that with dildos and vibrators. Now let me ask you this. Have ever gotten it into any bondage? I was talking to a friend of mine a comic don't say his name, but he's a he's a comedian He got him and his girl his girlfriend were using nipple clamps You ever hear nipple clamps and a chain and a and a handcuff

Yeah, I've heard of it And I've had a couple of ladies in the past who are really into that dark shit but I don't care for it. If I want to inflict pain I'll just hit her. I don't need a nipple clamp. I can squeeze a nip. Working for the clamp down. Well yeah, he's got a clamp on each nipple and a chain across the thing and he pulls the chain and spits in her mouth.

Oh yeah, I know a lady who's into that. She's got a sex swing and a ball gag and all that. By the way, my Asian girlfriend, she had a period clamps. But yeah, I don't get it. But hey, to each his anal. Oh, cramps, clamps. Thank you. Take me a second.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm trying to mix things up here. I got a couple bits about it. But I'd like a tie down, but I don't have a tie down kind of way. But even so, you tie them down, you fuck them, and then, because my wife's not like grabbing me and pushing me, so the tie down I guess is. Good point.

Yeah, I don't need her tied down. I tied my wife down once and I just went through her wallet. I made her watch, but yeah. Her wallet's gone. But yeah, I don't get it, but some people need all that, but to me I'm like, if you need all that, it's like putting seasoning on a thing. I'm like, how good is the food if you're covering it with all this extra shit?

Well, I just think you've been together a long, long, long time. So you gotta spice it. You gotta put on a mask and a wig and- Well, people always go, what's your fetish? And I'm like, random women. Right. Strange new whores. Yeah, that's a good fetish.

It makes sense. Strange new whores is a great sci-fi. That's a good band, too. Yeah, all of it. Did you shit already? Oh, OK. Oh, but I said loud and clear, and you said, thank you. Oh.

Wasn't you implying that you were shitting? I didn't catch that. Because you were like, I'm going to have to use the bathroom at some point. And then I said loud and clear, and you said, makes sense that that to me is shit anytime you announce path I mean I had a bit like this with my wife should be like I have to go to the bathroom But she only says that when she has to shit. All right, she has to pee She just goes to the bathroom good point anytime you're like I need to use the bathroom

Usually that means you got a big old dirty spike in your asshole. That's true miscarriage something I always say don't you hate when you're shitting in a public space and you're like, I got to go quick so people don't know I'm shitting. Of course. That's the worst. That's why I love you. You want, you need the multiple bathroom with the occupied. Yes.

Green red. So they can, a single solo public bathroom is the fucking worst thing on earth the worst and the door of course doesn't come all the way down they see your feet I'm texting but I always do this when I come out of the bathroom I go kind of like oh I was just zipping up only a zip you zip if you shit or piss I guess she got something there. Yeah. Zipper head. Does it really make sense? Zippity doo dah. Bye bye. Bye bye, Dave. He's got a foot pillow there.

That's the luxury. You want one? I got a, this was accidental, by the way. It just kind of fell that way. Oh, there's a sock. How about that? I was on a flight yesterday. I kicked the shoes off, and it smelled like high heaven

in there. I had to put those puppies right back on. Tell me about LA, because you were in La La Land, Sam called and he was disgruntled and you were disgruntled. I want to hear about Los Angeles. I love La La Land. I miss going to LA. I miss the warmth. I miss the fun. It's a fun city to visit. I know I was with Sam, the, you know, the prodigal New Yorker. Prodigal Sam. Hey! And he just like, fuck this town.

I'm like, palm trees, sun shining, I'm drinking an $18 smoothie, having a blast. But let me, let me, let me start from the, from the start. Please, tell me about Thanksgiving. So we do, we do dojo. I'm going that far back. Dojo! Ha! Which is the first place I heard about the UFOs by the way.

The drones. Yes, that's true. That was the drone initiative drone thing. I told my niece it's Santa. She loved it. Hey, that's pretty good. Hey, I'll take it. But there's like nine of them.

She's like, well, that's Santa too. I was like, that's Easter Bunny. I panicked. But yeah, so we do, I fly in from New Orleans, we go straight to Dojo, we come back home at 1 a.m., I fly right to Nashville. Smashville. Gashville. And we're doing Jelly Rolls Roast. Jelly Roll.

One of the most famous people in America apparently. Yeah, I don't even know a single thing he's ever done other than hang out with Josh Adel Adam Myers and Burt Crusher. Yeah, well he's fat, he's got face tattoos, he does the two at the garden. I mean this guy is big time. And it's country hip-hop kind of. Yes. Yeah, I gotta check him out. I gotta give a good sniff to Jelly Roll.

He's good, sweet guy, nice guy, loves comedy, and he loves us. He's a big fan of this world. No kidding. Oh yeah. And's a big fan of this world. No kidding. Oh yeah. And he just lost 100 LBs. Oh that's good. I don't even know the man but everyone loves him and I see him and I'm like, this doesn't look great. No, no, he looks horrible but he's coming around. By the way, Jelly Roll, JR. Hey, hey. So, I had a good joke on him, now I can't think of it. Waylon Jennings, ah.

Because as soon as you finish shoot something, don't you feel like all that goes, bleh, your brain just, whiff. I'm out, I'm bush. So, we go there, now how about this? I get in the car, this is my manager fucked up, I get in the Uber to go to LaGuardia to fly to Nashville. Get in the Uber, I'm on no sleep, I'm tired. I look at my calendar, it says LaGuardia, fly to Nashville. Get an Uber, I'm on no sleep, I'm tired.

I look at my calendar, it says LaGuardia, da da da da. Go to my app, the Delta app, says JFK. We're already on the way to LaGuardia, so I go, sir, step on it. We gotta take a U-turn, and he goes, you got to put it in, put it in. I was like, ah! So now you're trying to figure out how to put it in,

but he's still going towards LaGuardia, so I'm like just turn it or start turning I'm not gonna make it. We've lost JFK is way further. It's in a different direction I'm never gonna make it if I miss this flight the whole thing's ruined and I kind of had that feeling of like fuck it I'm so tired. I just want to go home. Mm-hmm. Fuck the flight. So we still go to JFK It's like all right. I got four minutes to get to boarding. I got three minutes to get to boarding. So I'm doing the whole, you know, pre-check, shoes off, dick out, not a terrorist. You run

through, you get there. It's like the boarding is about to close in two minutes. And I I'm sweating, pulling the bag, coat on, delayed. Pretty great though. One of the few times a delay has saved me. Oh yeah, I gave the wrong reaction. Nice! Thank you.

It's so ingrained to hear delay get furious. I know. But delay is good. But also the thing I think what I odd about is if you had just known you wouldn't have to hustle. I know, I know. But I was just so shucking and jiving the whole time during security. And so it delayed like two hours.

I go to the lounge, I really regroup. But you got to love that moment when you're running and you're like, and the guy's like, it's that, it's delayed. Yeah, it's kind of like in New York City where you run for the subway, you come flying down the steps and you jump in the train, you realize it's been delayed, just been sitting there for half an hour, and everybody's like, we all did that, don't worry, it's not going anywhere, and then you look like a dickhead.

You have that moment like, right guys, I made it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you. So, delayed, whatever, get there, land, go right to the hotel, Bert Kreischer goes, you wanna do something burning? We got like five hours for the roast. I was like, yeah, sure. Go do something that's burning, had a great time.

He made Nashville Chicken, it was me and Big Jay. Big Jay's hilarious. So he was shooting the show in Nashville? In Nashville. Oh, nice. He just gets an Airbnb in Anal and says, oh, there's going to be a bunch of comics around. I'll capitalize.

Boy, these guys are smart. I'm dumb. I know, they're good. If I was smart, I might be successful. Brilliant idea to get other funny people to do your work. That's not bad. Byron Allen. So we do Something's Burning.

I go back, and Whitney Cummings texts me. She goes, hey, how's your jokes looking? You want to go over them? And I'm like, ah, I don't want to do any work. I got jokes written out. People gave me some jokes. I wrote a couple zingers. So I was like, I'll see you in hell. Fuck off, hell fuck off you big titty whore and I go back to my room

We get picked up we show up to Zany's. It's a who's who of who's voting for red I mean, it's like kid rocks over there some guy from Yellowstone's over there Other people I don't know big music acts country, country, Tammy Wynette's blowing me. Wow. It was wild. Big mop of red hair. Yeah. So we go, it's Tony Hinchcliffe, it's Whitney Cummings, it's Adam Ray, it's Big J, it's Burt Kreischer, it's my son,

it's Chris Porter is on. Josh Adam Myers? Josh Adam Myers, Will Compton. I don't know Will Compton. Football player? C-O-M-P-T-O-N. Yeah, exactly. He's bussing with the boys?

Is that something? Bus boys? I don't know. I'm out of the loops. I know Miss Rachel now, it's embarrassing. I didn't know that much before though. That's true. All right, so everybody's having a good time.

Crowd's okay, it's sold out, it's fun. Jelly Roll's there with his wife, Bunny, and they're on stage. He looks great. And he's got a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of That's true. All right, so Everybody's having a good time crowds. Okay, it's sold out. It's fun. Jelly Rolls there with his wife bunny and they're on stage He looks great. It's an honor to be there. He picked me out and Everybody's doing well Adam Rae killed Whitney crushed Bert made it his own thing Chris Porter goes

Let me just play what a basic jelly roll song is and he starts talking about it My life sucks and then he starts talking about, my life sucks. And then he goes, sweet home Alabama. So basically he says a few personal things and then goes into a cover. Right. That's funny. It killed. It really crushed. And I go up there and I realized, all right, I'm half in the bag. I've been drinking all day with the Something's Burning. Had some drinks there. I get on stage. I haven't even looked at my notes. Oh boy. They're just crumpled up and I unfold it and I'm like,

jelly roll is fatter than Lizzo. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait, uh, Gizzo? Oh, and you know, you're kind of, you're bombing and now your mouth's getting dry, you're drunk, so the paper's like this. And I look over and every comic is looking at me like this. Oh boy. And I had like a panic attack. Oh jeez. Which I never have. You know when you're like out of body?

Yeah. And I'm looking at myself bombing and I'm looking at the crowd like, I thought this guy was, had a, you know, I thought he had some specials and some credits and what's going on here? And I couldn't get it together. Oh god. And I just tanked. I bombed and it was one of those bombs where I was like I don't know. Hold on. Let me try one

more and I'm shuffling the it was really really embarrassing. Sounds like that British show we did. Oh way worse than that. Worse than that. Way worse. I know. I know. Because at least that you could read the prompter or be like, let me take that again. This is just bombing in front of a sold out crowd. And your friends. I mean that you're like, these aren't my friends. These are some Brooklyn assholes. Exactly. And I went third to last. So like Adam Ray did a bunch of my stuff. So crossing shit out. And Whitney had a similar joke to mine. Should have bounced with her. I should have bounced. Yeah. bouncy tits. So, is this

going on somewhere? No, I hope not. What? I was like, don't... No YouTube? No nothing? Just for fun? I called my agent before, I was like, make sure to film this, I got some good jokes, I need content. She was like, alright, they don't want to film, but I'll work on it. So I get there and they're like, we got to film for you. And then after I was like, make sure that's not filmed, throw that tape in the river, that was brutal. Wow, so classic old school roast with no filming, I like that. It was pretty great, I mean, Whitney had some brilliant stuff and Big Jay walked up

and goes, I didn't know this was a roast, and winged it and killed. Wow, that's what he did at the regs, the live regs episode. That's right. Wow, he's very good winger. He's a pro, right winger? Kip winger. And so I pro right winger kip winger and

So I've sat back down and it was one of those like oh, what am I done with my life? I hate myself the humiliation the shame of not preparing. There's nothing worse than bombing a roast Yeah, roast you want to do well. It's your peers exactly. Well, there's an old bill Lee my my my baseball idol I love the man. They said, he pitched the game seven of the world series. I said, is this the biggest game you ever pitched? And he said, no, the college world series was because that was for fun. And I think about that with roasts. Yes. You want to do better because you're like, well, now we're just having fun. I know this, this means more than my headlining show at whatever the funny tits. Yes, 100%.

Your peers are watching. You feel like you let them down. You didn't prepare. And then it hit me like, I'm taking on too much. I'm spread too thin. I'm overwhelmed. What do I think? I think I'm just going to go up there and read some shit.

And it's going to murder? What did I think was going to happen? Right. So it was a real wake up call. I'm just sitting there. And then a couple of comics riffed on how I bombed. That's fun. That sucks.

But we get back into the green room. I'm kind of frozen and in shock of the bomb. And Adam Ray's trying to console me. Such a sweet guy, that Adam Ray. Wonderful man. We love Adam Ray. Weird that he did it as Biden, but I'll take it. And he goes, Kid Rock, you gotta meet Mark.

And Kid Rock walks up and goes, horrible performance. What? And I was like, oh, well, I zinged him a few times. Oh. And the zing's bombed. So I think that was his way of being like, how do you like it there, Dickless? Kid Rock, bigger than you'd think.

He's like 6'6", that guy. He's probably 6'3". Oh, maybe. I only saw him walk by and he looked tall. Maybe he just has a small entourage, so he looks bigger. Oh, that's true. That's true. All right.

Yeah, he had a midget with him. Joe C. Joe C. Wow, Chuck's a closet Kid Rock fan. Oh, that's true. That's true. All right. Yeah, he had a midget with him. Josie. Wow. Chuck's a closet kid rock fan. How about that? That adds up. I just like kids. Well, they say the kids that checks out, but not checks out that that tracks. That tracks. That tracks. Yes. You suck and he sucks.

There you go. Oh, I think they just made him like Secretary of Agriculture or something. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. I think he's in charge like secretary of agriculture or something too. Oh, I'm sure yeah I think he's in charge of ticket master or something something crazy. Yeah, but when you meet the guy you're like Well, this guy's a fucking asshole, but he was right. I had a horrible performance And so then we all pile in a car. We're like we're going to Kid Rocks bar So we show up at Kid Rocks bar Hinchcliffe gets on the drums, Jelly Roll comes out, the place goes crazy. Wow. It was like being at a comedy club and Chris Rock shows up, you know?

Right. And Jelly Roll comes out and Kid Rock comes out. So the audience is like, we're at Kid Rock's bar and he showed up. That's what they think's gonna happen. That's the coolest. That was pretty great. It's not my scene, but it was cool to watch. Right.

Wow. So I drink more, I drink more, and then of course, now it's 6 a.m. and I'm like, ugh! So now I'm on Nose to Begin, hungover again, and I flew out of Nash. And yeah. Did you go to Providence? Went right to Providence, two flights,

missed the connection because of a delay. It was a nightmare. I finally make it to Providence, do two shows that night on fumes. Then I wake up, we go out drinking after that. I wake up hungover and my whiskey guy's like, where are you? I'm outside your hotel room. And I'm like, what are you talking about? We have a bottle signing.

We got a Bodega Cat signing an hour away. So I'm like, and he goes, we're already an hour late. What are you doing? And I'm like, I got to get my shit together. We drive to the bottle signing. I'm hung over out of my mind. I'm drinking whiskey should like try to get back to get back right. And we do the bottle signing. Four people show up. I sold one to a kid. And that was then we did three shows that night. Hey, folks, Tuesday's stories brought to you by draft Kings Can you believe we're talking about the playoffs already get it on get in on the action?

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nice ring to it,'t it sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash Tuesdays all lowercase go to Shopify.com Slash Tuesdays to start selling with Shopify today get on it Speaking of kids you having a kid in a month. I want to Realize the schedule. Yeah Everyone I talked to is like, well Norman was supposed to do this, but he bailed, Norman didn't show up to this,

you had the Adam Ray thing, Salak you said you borrowed his car and crashed it or something or it died or whatever the hell. Oh yeah. Couple other things. Well I'm trying to live before the kid comes out. This is my last hurrah there, Jerry. Good hurrah, well there's more hurrahs.

You get a hurrah in 18 minutes. 18 years I meant to say. Joe Harare. Yeah, he's okay. But 18 years you get another hurrah. You'll be 60 and living the life. That's a long wait for a hurrah. That's true.

Well you got a couple hurrahs that go to daycare at some point or something like that. Maybe you get a nanny. You should get a nanny. Yeah. You're a nanny guy. My friend's a Marine. Hurrah. Getting a male nanny. You should get a nanny. Yeah. You're a nanny guy. My friend's a Marine. Hoorah! Getting a male nanny. Just no tempt. No, you can't get a male nanny.

What about a... They're tempted to fuck the kid. Oh, that I'm okay with. Why is the camera moving up? What's going on? Bad shot? I think the shot could be better. Should we start over? No, you're good.

A lot of head room. Max head room. All right. It took you a half hour to notice that. What's going on here? You took that long shit, didn't you? Chuck just had a movie deal collapse. Every time I see Chuck he's like, I got a $300,000 movie deal and we see him today. He's like, it's all over. I'm like, I know. Well, the money came in.

I knew it wasn't happening. But let me just say this. With the boos, with the hangover, with the schedule, and the bomb, I crumble. I started crumbling, and I did that thing where I got all emotional, and I texted everyone on the dais, and I apologized for my performance. Oh, wow. That's good. You should apologize to the audience.

That's true. It's also funny when you go up to all these people who are in the green room after the show, and I was like, ah, I sucked, and they go, ah, yeah, right, right. Right, yeah, well sometimes you suck every once in a while. At least it's not going out, that's the big thing. But you could sweeten it, at least it was going out. No, no, it's too far gone to sweeten. No, no sweeten.

Yeah, I'm just like, oh, let me, oh, no way. What was that again? I had a good one, don't worry, folks. It was, it was bad. Well, the nice thing about the baby is it reels everything in anyways. Cause then you have the kid and you're like, I just can't do that. That's true. I can't go there. I know.

I don't do anything anymore. Well, you picked your, hey, jelly roll roast in Nashville is going to be fucking awesome. Some celebrities there. And then you've realized like, oh, you got to do the work though. Now, do you think them not filming it made you go, no, because I thought it was filmed. I was like, get the film there.

Like we got the film. Right. Easy, but we made it work. And now I'm like, get rid of the film. Oh, got you. Well, there's always a next roast, which you already did. That's true. Yeah. Well, we'll get to that. I guess to that. And that one, when I prepared.

Let me give you a couple of things. I haven't been I haven't been traveling too much. I was home all weekend. I was sick. I recovered. I thought it was over. We had our holiday party. We missed you.

You were out in La La Land with old Samaroo. Yes. But we had a wonderful party for Marjorie. What a hang we had. Epic, epic hang. Out in the park? Right here. Oh, in the building.

Right smack in the house. And I don't know. I think norovirus may linger longer than I realize because. Y norifera I was on my deathbed Sarah was on her regular bed Marty was shitting up fucking brown ice cream all week but we thought well five days of fast we'll have everyone come over I feel like a hundred percent and about half the party got sick but it might have been the shrimp or the cheese or just going around that's true true. It's in the air. But we had a wonderful hang.

We had we had Matt Wayne, whose new special is out. Take a sniff. Oh, shit. I got to share that. I didn't know. Yeah. It came out last Friday. I watched was in the chat room. The chat room was a blast. It was all Tuesday's. Hell, yeah. He's got it. We got 40,000 views in the first couple of days, which is nice.

That's huge. Yeah, it's pretty good. And the special is hilarious because obviously I was there and I've worked with them and all over the town. But I was like just kind of the baby goes to bed. Sarah was working. So I just had it on kind of the background. I was in the chat having fun with the fans doing push ups and jumping jacks. You know, you got a multitask. Yeah. And every once in a while, I just hear a joke.

I'm like, oh, like, oh, I love that. And it's a joke I've heard 75 times, but it just hits you. He's a silly goose. Love when it hits you. And he's exactly the kind of comic I like. He's totally original, totally himself, and just silly in good ways. Just a good, silly, goof, fun, funny guy. Love it. And he's hilarious. Someone in the comments was like, as he says, Crocodile Dundeel. That's one of his go-to lines. And he's hilarious. And someone in the comments was like, as he says, crocodile done deal. That's one of his go to deal. And someone wrote, I've been trying to get this started for years.

And I can't get over. I'm furious. I'm like, no, that's his. Yeah. You didn't have crocodile done deal. Now, get out of here. You're full of shit. That's an MW original. Anyway, so that was fun. Sunday we had a Saturday. We went to Madison Square Garden, Matt and I to celebrate to watch

college basketball, Gonzaga versus Yukon. Well, Saturday we went to Madison Square Garden, Matt and I, to celebrate, to watch college basketball, Gonzaga versus UConn. And it was the drunkest, most annoying, loud, because it's all UConn people. They've won back-to-back championships. So it was packed out with these UConn queefs, just the bro-iest bros. And then I ran into one of these guys that maybe I was like him when I was drinking, so I got to go easy. But he was in the snack line next to me, a little weasel.

He's about 5'6", 102 pounds, and he's got his big buddy. You know the guy? Maybe you were this guy, the wise ass guy who's got the big buddy. Oh, I know the big buddy. And you just want to go, why don't you have your big buddy take a walk? Yeah, then we'll see what's what. And I go, I'll have a water and a bag of plain M&Ms. And then he's hammered and he looks way up at me.

He's like 4'8", and he goes, he goes, whoa, what did he say? What, big boss or ballin'? He goes, you're ballin'. And I go, what's that? He goes, ballin', big ballin'. Ah ha ha, to the big guy. and I go yeah and he goes he goes the big guy goes I don't even think he knows what you're talking about and you want to just

be like this is it you're not like you're looking at me like I'm a boomer as I'm like it doesn't even make sense what you're saying it's silly you're just saying balling and giggling and you just want to smack his toby, hit a mustache and glasses and a silly hat that's sitting up here. I hate this guy. You just want to go like, tsh, and then punch the big guy in the face and kick him in the balls and crack him in the jaw. What is that?

We were in LA and this guy goes, you want a drink? And me and Sam go, no, we're good. And he goes, what are you, gay? We're doing this still? Right. I don't even know, what year is it? What grade are we in? What are we, in high school? I'd rather be called gay than like balling. It just didn't. There's like a one word. I'm like, get out of here.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, he sucked. So then we go in and I'm sitting in the, this is like embarrassing. I've got nosebleed seats because ticket, man, everyone just buys the seats immediately. So you got to go, all right, boo boo boo. I got the, I'm in section two1, row 75. We're hiking up there. And as we get up there, there's one guy who goes, Joe List, motherfucking Joe List, this is crazy. You're here.

I'm a twosgate. My seat is directly in front of him. We're like Maverick and Goose. How crazy is that? Wow. So I'm just sitting. So the whole night, I can't look at my phone because he's gonna be looking

at my wife's panties and Karen's tits, you know, because whatever I'm looking at, he can see. Yeah, if Larry Day was sitting in front of me, I'd check his phone too. Of course, so my codes, I'm nervous. Yeah. And he's a great guy, his name was Adam, shout out Adam. Big Adam, that's lunch.

But he was nice, but then his friend didn't know me, so he was like busting my balls. He's like, oh boy, if you think you're a celebrity, I've never heard of you. I'm like, I know, yeah, it's lunch. But he was nice. But then his friend didn't know me. So he was like busting my balls. He's like, Oh boy, you think you're a celebrity. I've never heard of you. I'm like, I know. Yeah, it's crazy. And he's like, boy, these aren't exactly a celebrity seats up here. I'm like, I know. It's crazy. You're really balling. And I could tell his friend was feeling weird about it. But anyways, he was great and nice and he did the, uh, I won't bother you. And he did it. Then I had a funny bit because now I know he's behind me. So every time the cheerleaders run the big screen, I'd snap 50 photos of the cheerleader. That was a fun bit. And uh, did he get it? Oh yeah. He was

hilarious. And then he had a good line. He goes, that's for when the internet goes out, which is funny. All right, Adam, you big cleave. So we had a great time. There was a bunch of drunk idiots, but what are you going to do? I was one of those ones. So then Sunday, we have the big party and we had, it was a who's who, who cares? I was one of those once. So then Sunday, we have the big party, and we had, it was a who's who, who cares? It was Isabel Hagan, Jason Canter, Matt Wayne, Andrew Chavone, Katie Hannigan, Mike Vecchione. Oh, I dodged a bullet.

Louie was here. So I text everybody, one to five-ish. Stavros came, of course. Hey, big stop! Guess what time Stavros left? Uh, it's 1 to 5. I guess he left at what? 430? 945 p.m. Geez! Well, he probably was trying to leave for a while. He's a big man.

I think this is, I don't know, he's the sweetest boy. And hey, he could stay here for all, he could fuck my wife in front of me. He's a beautiful man. We go way, way back. He's a beautiful man. We go way, way back. He's a sex symbol. He's first class all the way, but we put the baby down. I'm like, all right, I go in the bedroom. It's one of those ones where you put the baby down and you're like, that's my job. I put the baby down, I get to sing and whatever.

You come out and he's still sitting there. And I was like, ah! So what's going on? And then we just chatted and chatted and I go to bed at fucking 830 PM. Yeah, he just sat there. I went to bed. 45, but and I was doing his podcast the next morning at 11am. He could have knocked it out here. Exactly. So but he's great. And I'm always happy to see Stubby. I mean, just one of the great, great, great guys, hilarious

and fun to talk shit with. And he's the best. Anyways, so speaking of being off of the invite time, parties from one to five ish. Oh, here we go. So we're hanging out, sitting around and Sarah's cooking. She's in her pajamas, no bra, tits out, one nipple over here, one nipple up here. You know.

Before party is crunch time. You gotta have everything ready, everything good to go, get out of my way, I'm in work mode. Oh, it's crunchy time, baby, granola crunch. And I'm in the baby's bedroom with him. He's in his panties, he's wearing lace underwear. I got no shirt on. Sure.

And we're playing tic-tac-toe and hopscotch. And I just hear a boong-boong. Not the downstairs bell. Now, I'm living in a luxury apartment, not to brag, it's very exciting. You have a doorman, so they call on the phone. Mark Doorman. And they go, hey, fucking Steve's coming up.

I go, great, all right. Hang up, this is my actual doorbell. So somehow, whoever this guest is have circumvented. Now I have a feeling, because I know a slippery wop when I hear one. The doorman, yeah, he might have a a pie for instance, maybe he was born here. So it's 12.15, the doorbell goes off and I go, what the hell is going on? Why is someone at the door?

The party starts at one and now you know parties, it's particularly with comedians and particularly New York City, you say one, everyone's getting there too. Of course. No one ever comes at one. Well, it's 12.15, the doorbell rings. Sarah goes to open the door in her pajamas with the hair net on and a pair of reading glasses. Opens the door, it's locked stock and barrel.

One Matt Salacuse, his wife, his son, his dog, the cat. He's got a fishing rod. He's got a chocolate babka, a basketball, a dinosaur, and two books. Oh man. And you just see, because I'm in the other room, I just hear, hey, hey! Oh!

And I'm like literally two rooms away around the corner with the baby going, what the fuck is going on here? I poke my head out, and oh man, it's Sally. That big old pizza pie. I mean, he was here 95 minutes before guest number two, or guest number four I should say because he brought his whole god damn family. That's true, he wielding his grandma. I mean I've never met any of these people.

He's like, you know Stacey? I'm like, I don't. He's like, you know Charlie? I'm like, I've never heard of Charlie. I didn't know you had a kid. I thought he hit the Viet Cong with him when he said Charlie. I didn't know what was going on. You're behind the tall grass.

So I go, okay let me put some pants on. Sarah had to know what was going on. You're behind the tall grass. So I go, okay, let me put some pants on. Sarah had to run and put lipstick on. I picture her with a nightcap and a candle. Who goes there? You got a lantern? Well, you just assume. No one's getting there to 1.30, but he came in and took some blurry video. He was the best. It was great. I love Sally.

If anyone's going to show up early, you want it to be him. He's the best. They always do this, too. We're not even here. Don't worry about me. Meanwhile, he's barbecuing in the living room He's flipping flapjacks and burgers. Yeah, and by the way, he left at 140 Like he was bumping into people on the way out and he got lucky cuz he's the luckiest man on earth that he somehow Gets these gigs. He won the apartment lottery too. Apartment lottery, he's best friends with P Diddy and Jay Z. That might not be going well. By the way I saw the funniest tweet I've ever seen from just a no-name account. Lay it on me

fattie. Someone said this n-word's got a hundred problems now. How good is that? That's been done! Well maybe this is the first tweet. Maybe, maybe. But yeah, I saw that one 500 times. So I guess I'm immune. Well, this one had 750,000 views. Oh, okay. It might have been the original. But I mean, how good is that? That's perfect. It's a perfect joke.

Anyway, so Salakus shows up at 1130am. He got the best spot somehow. He just got a spot right in front of our house. Then, by the way, he leaves at 1.30. That's when the party starts. The party's starting at 1.30, he's out the door. He's come, he broke everything, he stole some shit. He leaves and Siobhan is like circling around

looking for a place. He's like, hey, do you have any idea where to park? And I'm like, well, Salekus has the best spot ever. Meanwhile, as I'm saying this, Salekus is cruising by just going, thank you. Someone takes the spot, but it was awesome. Salacuse rules. We had a great time. And the kid, you know, he's at nine years old, so he wants to, he's bouncing off the walls. Sweet kid. And they're all, and the parents keep being like, be careful there, don't touch that.

And so I started up a bounce the ball into the chair, get it to sit in the chair like a carnival game. Right. Which is all he wants to do this kid. He wants to be a carnival barker. Interesting. Which is hilarious. Strange gig. And we just played that for about two hours straight. It was a blast. Matt and Wayne and Christina showed up and boy, we just had a million laughs. And then you know when you have a party, it's rocking for a while and then it kind of dwindles.

Yeah. And you get down to like five people and that's when you just start going, this guy sucks, she blows, she's the worst. Yes, exactly. And that's when you just start going, this guy sucks, she blows, she's the worst. And that's when it gets really fun. It gets intimate. We had a great time, great party. We missed you, a lovely little party.

And my last thing is a couple of nights ago I did my show at SESH starting a new show. Oh, tell me all about it, Fetty. Well, you were on the lineup. You had to bail for some TV gig that paid five figures. Not really. Little bullshit. But anyway, so we did Joe List and Friends downtown version at Sesh Comedy Club, which is a great room. Everybody raves about this room.

I've still never seen it. Is that right? Never been. I'm always on the road. They do weekends. Oh, well, you got to come to the next one. It's in Ho Chi No town. Oh, OK.

Well, technically it's Lower East, but it's Chinatown. Yeah, they take over that Viet Cong. That town just keeps spreading. Little Italy's gone. Lower East Side's gone. It's all Chinatown. They'll have the whole America soon. Those drones keep flying.

By the way, Chinatown, great setting. Movie? I mean, you have Chinatown in the movie, you have Big Trouble, Little Chinat. Two of the great movies ever. Ah. Two different Chinatowns. That's true.

And do the ones even New York Chinatown. Yeah, there's a Chinatown everywhere. There's also that movie with- It's like a chain. There's also, Brooklyn has a Chinatown, I just found out. No. That's what I was just told. Is that right?

That's what I heard. What about Japantown, a Koreatown? It's Koreatown. LA's got a Koreatown. Yeah, that's where the Seinfeld apartment is, fun fact. Really? Yeah, Koreatown. Wow, North or South Korea. Yeah, that's where the Seinfeld apartment is fun. Really? Yeah, Korea North or South Korea

Kim Jong-ah, what was I gonna say? What's the Mickey Rourke movie also where he's in Chinatown? Hope of Greenwich Village? No, no, they're running around Chinatown. The wrestler? The cops, it's all in Chinatown. Rubble fish I just watched it It's not that great Mickey Rourke. Yeah, it's Mickey Rourke. Year of the Dragon. That's it. Thank you. I don't know that one at all. Yeah, it's kind of fun. It's cool. Anyways, doesn't matter. We do Sesh Comedy Club. The lineup is me, Ian Lara. It's supposed to be Karen Feean. She bails. Women cancel every single show. They really love to cancel. Every show. Have you ever gone to a show that there's no women on? It's because all the

women cancel. And then you get yelled at. Exactly. Cancel culture. So we had Ian Lara, this is the lineup. Me, I hosted. Oh wow, Canadian style. Yeah, it was really fun. I think I'm gonna do it like that. It was me, then Ian Lara, then Luis Gomez, then Louis, CK, all Latinos right in a row. Ah, boom, boom, boom. Good row. Ah, good point. And then Matt Wayne, and then I closed it out. Hottest fucking crowd ever.

Come on. Physically and comedically. Good looking Chinese down there. Just hot people, hot crowd. It's in a fucking basement. The Beastie Boys used to own the space. It was their space. Whoa.

Yeah, it's super cool. You got to come to the next show. Lex filmed it. It'll be on YouTube, some behind the scenes stuff, not a ton of behind the scenes because Louis didn't want to be on camera. But fair. It's great looking underneath in this brick thing. And they just owned it. There's these weird autistic comics that built this fucking place. Yeah. And it's just fucking awesome.

We're going to do we're going to do it monthly. So start get excited. Come on out. I'm going to host. And it's like that thing that We're going to do we're going to do it monthly. So start get excited. Come on out. I'm going to host. And it's like that thing that Yannis used to do. It gives you a reason to write new bar for bar for. Give me on that. What is it a Monday? When you do it on a Tuesday. Oh, perfect. Yeah.

I'll try to get you on. You try not to bail. I'll be there. It'll be fun. But that's going to be the new hot show in the city. It was fucking awesome. Great night. Great lineup. And then last night, I went down to Soul Joe's with Siobhan and Matt Wayne. And that's just the best room on Earth. It's the hottest room. It's it's a little far. It's a night because you to two hour drive home and change.

So you get out of there at 11. Now you're like home at one. But still, it's great. Yeah, it's three hours down and two hours back. But we had a fucking great time. The crowd there, it's like doing a military show. They're so grateful. Yes, they're grateful. It's like a cop benefit or a firehouse. They love to have you there. They're never, never offended.

It's awesome. And yeah, you can say anything. You can shit on anybody. And they're just the fucking greatest. So shout out Joel. Joel's Joel's the man we love you Joel it's a great room and you can shit on Joel and they love that and then he clips it oh yeah I mean he had bingo night going on I'm like I'm literally competing with bingo I pulled in the parking lots full I'm like I sold these tickets and show up and bingo is her name oh right when I went it was ballroom dancing. It was just geriatrics

spinning in a circle and it was more people than I did. It feels like dirty dancing like yes like in the Catskills. It is. It's a throwback. It's in this weird complex that does weddings I guess. Yes and it does original Duke Ellington posters there. It's worth seeing if you're a comedy pilgrim or whatever go to check out Soul Jolls. Yes. And anyways, all right, I gotta hear about LA, I gotta hear about this roast, I gotta hear everything.

Well, I was saving it for the next step, but I'll blaze through. All right, just chill till the next episode. I'll blaze through. Give me what else you got. Well, there's so much to talk about. I mean, first of all, this was like the Manhattan Project. I mean, it was so many minds coming together and shit like this, so Netflix hits me up and goes, they're doing the roast of 2024.

And the agent's like, you should do it. Netflix has football coming. They got a- They've wrestled. Do they have wrestling? That's what I think. WWF, right? Give that a go.

January 6th, they're starting to air all the WWF shows. Whoa. That's hilarious. SmackDown, NXT, everything. No kidding. That's a perfect time for that. All right, well shit, so Netflix is about to have another big boom, the Nate special, the football, the other squid games back.

So they got some stuff on the day is on the lineup. So my manager was like, you should probably do this. They're gonna get a lot of eyeballs. You don't have to burn material. It's roast jokes. Yeah. And I was like, well, who's on it? And they have to burn material, it's roast jokes. Of course, yeah. And I was like, well, who's on it? And they go Tim Dillon, Sam Morrill, Stavros, Whitney, and I was like, jeez, this is a powerhouse.

And then I call Sam, he's like, I'm not doing that shit. Then I call Tim, he's like, I'm only doing it, well, I don't want to get Tim in trouble, but he's doing it for a certain reason. And then Whitney's like, what are you, I'm out, I don't want to prepare for that. And I was like, ah, shit. I already said yes. So I tell Sam, like, I already said yes anyway. I got to do it. And he's like, well, if you're doing it, fuck it, I'll do it. So now we're doing it together. So we're back. So what does it mean together? I mean, tell me about this decision. You're doing like,

uh, like a Speed rose together. Like, I go a line, he does a line. I do a line, he does a... A speed rose together. Okay. Like, I go a line, he does a line. I do a line, he does a line. Gotcha. Yeah. And what makes you, what makes you want to do that?

I'm not saying it negatively, I'm like, what made you be like, this will be great. I thought it'd be fun, he's a friend, we're both joke guys, we know how to work together, we've been riding together for 15 years. Gotcha. And how often do you see a twofer? Right. Well, you had Tom and Burt. Well, that was scrub from humanity.

I feel like that came and went. Well, you have the weekend update kind of. That's true. It's like that. That's true. That's seeded. But not often. That's why I'm interested.

Yeah, that's in a desk. It's topical. This is like we're doing the holy Olympics, Stephen Hawking on the Epstein list. I mean, Diddy, Haktua. Yeah, that's in a desk, it's topical, this is like, we're doing the holy Olympics, Stephen Hawking on the Epstein list, I mean, Diddy, Haktua. So how's it, are you bouncing off each other? You're going, so Sam, did you hear about this? Yeah, exactly.

And then he does the punchline? Exactly. I can't wait to see it. Vice versa. And we ran it, we tweaked it, I mean, this, when I say this is the Manhattan Project, we ate shit, slept, and fucked these jokes. And created a bomb. Oppenheimer.

Yes. Yeah, we bombed, all right. No, but basically, we had a week to do it. So Sam's like, we're running it every night at the cellar. And you kind of realize, oh shit, I like to fuck around. We have a good time. Sam's like, this is boot camp, baby. He's very serious, very serious.

You saw we got a little tiffed on the phone that one time at Chipotle. But we you know, it was all gravy, but he is a go to all business guy. Yes. And I'm not. So you have to kind of adapt. Absolutely. So we're running it every night at the cellar. He's like that joke's not where he's he's he's blunt, too, which is good. You need the adapt. Absolutely. So we're running it every night at the cellar. He's like, that joke's not where he's, he's blunt too, which is good. You need the honesty.

Yeah. But it also is like, oh, this is hard. Yeah. He's like Elaine, he's like, no, veto. And you're like, fuck. All right, I thought that was something. I thought it was something too, and it could be something. So let's let it blossom.

So you have to push back. Oh, I think that's something. He's like, it's not working. I'm like, I'll get it to work. And you gotta, and he's like, but now you're on, this is my ass on the line too, if your joke doesn't work. I'm like, I get it, I get it. So we're going back and forth,

and I'm out of my comfort zone completely. I'm like, I'm spinning. Yeah, the whole thing just scares me. The idea of working with somebody in that capacity is, makes me feel funky. The anxiety was through the roof, and at one point, we're four days in and my wife's like, hey, you know, I'm eight months pregnant. I can use a hug.

I'm lifting furniture up the stairs alone because you're never here. And I was like, oh yeah. So I sent her flowers. That was my way of getting out of that. But you don't want to hug a person. So we're doing it Monday. We're running it Tuesday, four times a night, three times a night. We're really putting this thing into the ground.

And then I go, I can't do Thursday. I'm doing two shows in Long Island sold out. And Sam's like, you're killing me here. We've got to run this. And I was like, well, what if I get a car service back and do it after Long Island? He's like, perfect. So I was like, damn. So now you've got to haul ass back after Long Island. He's like, where are you? What's your ETA? I'm like, I'm in the

tunnel. I'm going to make it. I love you. I'm in the driveway. And just going on stage, bombing, tweaking a tell sauce. And he goes, 70% of that is great. We were like, awesome. It shoots in two days. You know, 70% is pretty good. That's what I say. All you do is shave the 30 and then you got 100% good. But you got to hit a certain time length. So it was a lot of work, a lot of rewriting. And we got Ron on. We got Matt Broussard.

We got Eli Sayers. We got Zach. I'm texting Zach, you got anything on? Is it cake? He's like, I'm eating some right now. So it's a lot of shit going on. Then I'm sending jokes to Sam. He's like, these are good, these suck, and we're paying people. It was hard.

Okay. Jeff Ross, when does this come out? January 6th, I believe. Okay, great. January 6th, happy wrestling day. So Jeff Ross, end capital, Jeff Ross goes, I have cancer. Oh, jeez. So we're like, oh. And my first thought is, can we write

cancer jokes? So I go, are you going to be okay? He goes, yeah, but I'm going to announce the cancer on the show. And I was like, wow, it's like Carmichael coming out. Like, you're going to announce your cancer. But he's like, I'm through chemo. I killed it or whatever. I came out the other end. Great. So we're like, great. The cancer jokes are flying. So I'm like, Jeff, even cancer hates you as a host. You know, I'm like. That's fun. Thank you, I wrote that one.

So we had a million cancer jokes. So now we got some stuff. So now we got Jeff's ugly fat and gross roasting the year. And then we roast his cancer. That's nice, that's fun. So there's a lot, but now we're adding jokes. So I'm hitting up Yamiko. Hey, what do you got on Jeff being ugly fat

and having cancer? And he's like, I'm on it. So it was just so much going on. At one point, I do a gig in Jersey, in Inglewood. You ever heard of this? I've heard of Inglewood. Never heard of it. I knew it was in LA. Right. Jersey has an Inglewood. It's apparently all Hasidic Jews. No kidding.

Yeah. So I do this gig in Inglewood with Umar, and Sam's like- Yikes. Rival. That's true. Of all the people. I know. I was like a broad-brow guy. Of all the Jewish comics, you get Umar Khan to do the juke down? Jumar. To be lynched. Yeah, Jane. So... Jane, his wife. Now this is where it gets really hairy. Oh boy, well he's hairy, Umar. That's true. Those Pakistanis, forget about it. Hi there folks, it's me, Joe List, here to talk to you about Bluechew.

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That's 15% off at buy Raycon.com slash Tuesdays. B U Y Raycon.com slash Tuesdays. Get on it. So Friday we do a gig in what the hell is that place called? Dojo. Providence. Pennsylvania. Dutch country. Wilkes-Barre. Oh, Wilkes-Barre. You know it. Of course. It's got a hyphen. That's true. A lot of a lot of history in Wilkes-Barre by the way. That the Irishman is all

Wilkes-Barre. Oh. Yeah. Paint the penthouses. So, we got a gig in Salekuse, and my friend Miguel are dry. He's filming me. He's driving to Wilkes-Barre. We do the show. We drive back. We get some good laughs. Saturday, I'm like, all right, the show's in Inglewood. It's 45 minutes out in New Jersey from my house. I'll take the Beamer. Sure.

Haven't ridden the Beamer in a while, gotta get some highway on that thing. Absolutely. Gotta let it run like a Kenyan. So I go, well, it's about five o'clock. We'll give it a 45 minutes. We'll call it an hour. I'll get there at six. I'll put my feet up. Inglewood, New Jersey. Get to the Beamer. Boot on it. The boot. The boot, Jerry. Give him the boot. I. The boot. The boot, Gary. Give him the boot. I got the boot.

I'm talking big yellow round shiny boot. Like Homer Simpson. Yes, boot licker. So I go, what the fuck is this? I'm in a garage and I go up, I'm in a garage with a boot. How's that happen? Yeah, what is that?

They must have ratted you out. There's a rat on the loose. I got ratted, fatty. So I a rat on the loose I got read it fatty So I go up to the booth and I go hey booth. What's up with the boot and they go? Oh, yeah, you know, it's some pothead guy just some dude like he's like, I don't know get out of here I'm watching golden girls. He's got his phone open. I'm like, hey, I got a boot on my car I got a gig in Inglewood. He's like you're gonna have to call Marco. Like who the fuck's Marco? He's like he runs the whole city and I was like, ah, well, what's his number? He's like, you're going to have to call Marco. I'm like, who the fuck's Marco? He's like, he runs the whole city.

And I was like, ah, well, what's his number? He's like, I can't give you his number. And I'm like, what are you doing to me? I think he just yelled Marco, and he calls back. Bolo. So I'm like, what the fuck? So now I'm like, there's no way I'm getting this boot off in 10 minutes.

So I call an Uber. And I go, oh, she go oh sheesh 250 bucks to get to Inglewood because you know it's Brooklyn to Midtown to Inglewood it's a whole thing so I'm like god damn it so I got all these jokes swirling my head I got Sam up my ass I got the boot on the car I got Inglewood New Jersey I'm going to LA in two days my wife's pregnant I'm gay so check out the Uber Uber says alright I'll be there in three minutes. I go, all right, fuck it, I'll suck it up, I'll pay the $250, I got to get to this gig. Uber four minutes away, three minutes away, two minutes away, one minute away.

And I can see the little car on the screen at the end of the block. So I'm like, ah, it's like 400 feet, 500 feet, or 300 feet. And I'm like, huh, car's there, waiting, a minute goes by, two minutes, five minutes. I'm like, call, no answer, text, hey, what's up, man? You good? Nothing. So now I go, fuck this guy, I'm going to run to the end of the block. Okay. Here's what I think. I think he realized, oh, I'm going to Englewood, New Jersey, fuck that. And they want you to cancel.

Right. They do this a lot. This is a little scam they run. Yeah. So I go, I'm going to just show up and sit in this guy's back seat and show him what's for. So I run down the block, he's nowhere to be found. I think he lied to me. I think the app is fake. So I go, fuck this guy. I'm going Lyft. I'm a Lyft guy. Oh really? Always have been. Yeah, Uber's got some problems. Lyft is nicer. I feel like they're nicer people.

Maybe, I don't know. I've never used Uber. I only just got Lyft and I've only ever used Lyft. Oh, Uber rates go up, it's raining, they double charge you. Oh, okay. So this guy's nowhere to be found, so I'm like, I'm just going to leave this running, because I want him to cancel. Fuck this guy. He's waiting on me, but I'm going to... It's a Mexican Uber off. This guy's... I not canceling your canceling like a woman doing a show. And so I'm texting Salak use like you're not going to believe this. I got a I got a boot of my car. He goes, you need a car? I go, yeah. He goes, take mine.

And I go, I feel bad. You do so much. You show up early, you film everything and he goes, take the pen. Take the pen. So I go, all right. Go to Midtown. What a guy. Grab Salak usedis car. I mean, it's a big old hooptie minivan. You've seen it. And I have actually. It's big green. I don't even know what it is. It's like a Ford divorce. Now does it have the blocks on the pedals? Because he's about four four this guy. I can't picture Salacuse driving a vehicle.

Well, it's one of those ones you get in you're like the wheels right here. Right. You have to do the... you know and so he gives me the car he's a sweet man. I haul ass because so much time has gone by now. I haul ass to Inglewood. I get there. Umar's on. Oh God. So I go well now I have to do the show, do the meet and greet, and then drive directly back to do the seller with Sam. So there's so much going on and we're going to LA the next day. So I'm like, fuck. So I'm talking to the tour manager, he's like, pull in the back, there's an alleyway, come right into the backstage. I go, all right, I pull the car in, park it, run up, Ubar's on stage doing well,

he kills, brings me right up, I go on, you know, I'm all frazzled, I'm talking about the Jews, I talk about him being Pakistani and ugly, and then I get off stage, show goes great, meet and greet, get in the car, to go back, Sam's like, where the hell are you, how you looking, keep me posted. Car won't start. Nothing, I left the lights on. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my Christ on Christmas. So now we got to jump the car. So Sam's like,

have you left yet? I looked it up. It's an hour drive. You should be good. You should be in the tunnel by now. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, in the tunnel, you know, I got the engine going. And so we jumped the car. You're like uncut gems. When I hear your story, this is what I think about. It's the same feeling. I'm like, oh my God, I want to shoot you in the face at the last second. My life is a Safdie Brothers film. That's it. So get get the car and I'm just like, you know, I'm going down these side streets. I'm hauling ass on the highway. I finally get through the Lincoln tunnel and then you're in just like nightclub traffic. It's all these hot girls and mini skirts.

And you're like, get the fuck out of the way. You crazy coos with your high heels and your leather haul ass down. And I go, Liz, she goes, you're going, she's texting me. She's like, you're going on in four minutes, now you're going on in two minutes and I'm like, going down one ways, I'm hitting garbage cans, our cat goes, finally I show up to the VU, she's standing out there with two orange cones. She's going like this, I pull right in front of the blue note, she puts the cones around

the car, I run right on, on we do the set it goes great Then we do two more sets I get home at like four in the morning that we fly to LA Wow Then it was Sally annoyed or he's never perturbed this man. Well, he was a little annoying It's it's totally my fault because I did the shows of the cellar and then I try to get he lives in Hell's Kitchen right, so I have to get to the village to Hell's Kitchen which is like primo nightclub tunnel traffic. Everybody's trying to get back because now it's 1am. So I was like I'll pop Salak, use his car back up, I'll fill it up with gas, give it to him and then he wants to go to bed. So he's like where are you? It's like 1am. I'm like sitting on 52nd and 10th bed. So he's like, where are you? It's like one. I'm like, I'm sitting on 52nd and 10th Avenue.

So he goes, ah, and I go, I know I got a flight in 10 minutes is the worst night of my life. Sam's already at home in bed. And I'm trying to bring the car back because I wanted it all to work out. Right. And see how like he goes, I'm coming out there. This fucker puts it's freezing cold out. It's like 20 degrees. His fucker puts on a big old Russian coat, a hat, and I just see him trudging down 10th Avenue in the middle of the night in the cold. 10th Avenue freeze out.

Yes, yes, it was a freeze out and I wanted to fill the car up. Now I'm on E, so I'm giving this poor guy his car back at like 1 30 in the morning. It's on E, he gets in, he goes get out go home so i'm like i feel bad i'm gonna go down with the ship he's like get the fuck out i don't want to see you and he gets in the car he just waits then i what waits because we're in travis like stand still oh i was in trevor like an hour and a half in midtown wow and i still didn't make it to his house then i go you, you're the man. I gave him 50 bucks for the gas.

I get on the train, it's 1.30 in the morning. Trains are fucked. So I gotta go all the way back to Brooklyn. I think I got- Oh, I thought you live in Brooklyn now. I know! Oh! I got home at three in the morning

and then the, eh, eh, eh, 6.30 a.m. Sam wants to take the early flight. Flew out. There you go. You ever been in Delta 1? Of course. What about you, Anassel? First time. Well, Delta 1, I told the story in the pod from LA to New York. You got your own entrance at the airport. Yes! It's fucking crazy. You got your own place, your own security. It's insane. I felt like the Queen of Sheba. I'm walking down as a, you know, you're kind of like, where do I go? Where's the gate? And then he said, ha, Delta One entrance. Beautiful.

It's nuts. Yeah. You have your own literal own entrance. They give you a cocktail as you're walking through security. I felt like Frank Abagnale. It's crazy. Yeah. So you just walked down this crazy corridor, there's beautiful plants and sunlight. And then you go through, there's one person in line.

You take your shit off and then you go right to the lounge. Yeah, it's unbelievable. Unbelievable. It's spectacular. The only problem with the lounge is the Delta One lounge and this is Netflix covered this thank God they didn't cover anything else but they don't let you serve yourself. What? I didn't love that.

You go I'll take a salmon, I'll take an egg. Yeah and they're like okay, I'll take a salmon. I'll take an egg. Yeah. And they're like, OK. And they give you one salmon. I'm like, I would have taken four if it was me. But they want it to be sanitary, I guess. Salmon terry. Yeah. Salmonella. Wow. And so we'll talk about the performance itself on the next episode.

Does that sound right to you on the next episode? We've got to be at an hour here, right? Are we not? Well, let me just say this. Oh, I thought we were way over time. I feel like this story is epic. Sorry. I'm in Delta One. Patton walks in.

Sean? Sean Patton. He's on the show The English Teacher, which is a great sitcom, by the way. I've never seen it, but I see clips and he looks fantastic on there. He's the Kramer of it. Is that right? Yeah. He's the comic relief, and he also said the n-word at the lab factory and he's in the in the lounge

So we're talking shit Hannah burner shows up. She's in the lounge. She's on the same flight. We're all in the same flight Oh, that's fun. So what was Sean doing? He was just filming the show. He was doing what they what do they call those up front up front? I never knew what that was up front. It's a bread car out there. Yes Yeah, I don't know what that means. Me neither. I've never actually been in show business really. No, very ancillary. It's really funny. I was talking to a lady at the park over here,

the indoor park that we take the playground, that we take the baby to, and she was like a grandma with her kid, and she was like, oh, I'm from LA, and I was like, oh, I spend a lot of time in LA, and she was like, are you from there? And I was like, no. And she goes, well, why do you spend time there? It's that awkward. You paint yourself into a corner and then you gotta be like, well, I'm in show business. And she's like, Oh, what do you do? And then

you just want to be like this. I shouldn't have said that. I'm not in show business. I'm just an asshole. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not anywhere near show business. Nate Margatis is in show business. I'm in YouTube podcast land. Right. Well, not a bad land. It's a great land. And I'd rather be in this land than a Disney production or whatever. Your land is my land. But yeah, they're like, we got up fronts and overhauls and variety. And I'm like, what's that now? I know I fucking hate all that Hollywood shit. We did the show. I'm not going to, I'm going to tease it, but he Hollywood shit. We did the show, I'm gonna tease it. But- Geez, baby.

We go, hey, we're gonna bring Bodega Cat on the set so we can just have it sitting there. And they're like, yeah, whatever, go nuts, it's your whiskey. And then two minutes before, they're like, you know what, Netflix choppered in, they said we can't have it on there. And you're like, why? They go, well, it's gonna be an advertisement, it's considered a plug if you have it on there, and I'm like, I own the whiskey, I'm not gonna sue you.

They're like, eh, it's just red tape, and you're like, this is why you guys suck. Well they don't want to do the ad for you, that's why they don't want to do it. Well, but we're not gonna charge them. Right, but they want to charge you. They want to charge you. Oh, I see. You see? You're using their platform to promote your thing.

That's why they don't want you on there. But what bugs me is I don't think any of it really matters, and then if I go, well, fuck it, I'm walking, they go, all right, all right, put it on. That's what bugs me. It's a made-up rule. There's nothing behind it. It's just covering our ass. And we'd rather cover our ass and let you down than help you out and risk it. It's just covering our ass. And we'd rather cover our ass and let you down

than help you out and risk it. Right. I think they want a percentage of that thing. I think they're like, probably like, give us 2% of your sales and you can fucking dump it on your head if you want. I'll give them 10% of the sales, but of course. Don't say that. That's not legally binding. You're right. That's true. Fucking Jews. No percent. Oh, jeez. All right.

Umar. Um Jews. No percent. Oh, jeez. All right. Who more? Who more? Con! So, yeah, so it was a whirlwind, and you get there and you realize like, wow, showbiz is crazy. Like, the set was unbelievable. I'm like, this is where all the money's going. Right.

Like, you know we could shoot this at the improv and it would be just as viewed. The money's in the medicine. So, yeah, a lot to talk about. I can't wait to hear about it and good tease because I can't wait for next week. Oh, yeah. Tomorrow, as it were. I got a lot. I got a whole to do about that shoot. Okay, good. I got nothing so...

It was worse than the shooter in Madison. Well, this was fun. I know. It's so sad. Madison, one of the great, great towns. Our thoughts and prayers or whatever you say the whole thing. Lady Samantha. Samantha. That's a lady did it. That a way ladies. Yeah. It's why she didn't cancel. Folks. Caitlin Clark's worst shooter. All right well we got some serious stuff coming up. January 9th this week I've got the movies playing Tom Dustin portrait of a comedian Which is coming to a theater near you probably in March very exciting. We got distribution. It's unbelievable But this Thursday you can see it if you're in New England

Somerville the crystal ballroom in Somerville great room fill this fucking thing up. It's like a 300 cedar So come on out watch this film. It's gonna be fun Tom Dustin. I will be there We'll be shucking and jiving and bullshitting. It's a beautiful flick. That's gonna be awesome It's a fun movie And then I don't know why I don't bring my calendar when I do plugs, but I know that I'm in Kansas City January 16th through the 18th Kansas City Kansas City and then January 23rd to the 25th I'll be in Sunnyvale, which is one of my favorite rooms. I haven't been there in a long time.

February 7th, Montreal, we added a show that will sell out. Get those tickets early. And then I believe it's February 13th through the 15th. I'm going to be at back in Key West with Louie, me, Sarah and Louie and Tom Dustin. How about that fucking lineup? Hachi machi. So come on down to there. And I think I got some other shit coming up.

And the Patreon, we just shot all this stuff live. Will that be out by then? For God's sakes. Yeah, it's coming out. OK, that's out right now. Mark and I are on stage together, fucking killing at the Comedy Dojo. And we're going to set some more stuff up coming. We're going to have a lot more video in the new year on the Patreon, so get the fuck on there. I believe we're shooting a thing manana.

Yes, we're gonna shoot, we're gonna have Salak use, we'll be at the stand with his shaky ass blurry fucking camera. Michael J. Camera. Come by if you want. Yeah! You could use a steadier cam. Yeah.

I'm in Phoenix this weekend, staying up live. That should sell out too, so come on out to Phoenix. I love those crowds. Then I'm in Dallas at the Addison Improv. Then a baby's gonna come right out of my wife's ass. And then we're gonna go do the Ryman in Nashville. Woo! Hello.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable, very exciting. And then I got Asheville, not to be confused, in North Carolina for a makeup date with the hurricane that cunt, Helene. And yeah, then a couple casinos scattered around. I think I'm going to do a few Gillis dates. Nice. Yeah, I think I'm doing the one in February.

What's he doing, stadiums? Yeah, he's doing arenas and he's got, he just has his friend open. So it's like me or Soder or Big J. So it's just a hang. We'll do 20 minutes. It's going to be light lifting. Unbelievable. Easy work. Light work. And come on out, say hello, queef it up. I'm gay. Praise Allah. We'll see you all in hell.

Don't forget Chuck. Chuck, comedy. Unbearable. Check out Fun Bearable, my podcast with Ray Harrington, Brad Roar. Right now, all of our best of the year episodes are coming out. We do the rest of the year and those are really fun. It was weird. They actually that was the biggest episode last year. I just got Spotify wrapped and it's like, makes sense.

So we streamed a thousand million times and I was like, I don't know why. But thousand million. Yeah, it was a big number. Also known as a billion. Fun bearable pod dot com is where you can check it out. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. All right. We're doing a big number. Also known as a billion. Funbearablepod.com is where you can check it out. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. All right, we're doing a big year. 2025. This is the year this podcast really explodes. They always say year 12 is the best year of a podcast.

That's the one. That's the hottest year for people. We're in our 12th year of doing this. This is our 12th Christmas on the air. 12th New Year, I mean, whatever the fuck. 12 days of Christmas. 12 years of slave. I mean, whatever the fuck. Twelve days of Christmas. Twelve years of slave. I mean, this is unbelievable. Twelve years. Yes. That's crazy.

That's a dozen. I mean, you've had 48 girlfriends. You know what I just realized? Your Peg that said she was coming to San Diego and she likes me more than you never said hello. You sure she was there? She said she was coming, lock, stock and barrel. She said Mark's a queef, cuck piece of shit.

You're our favorite, he sucks, he's overrated, you're underrated. I'll be there with bells on, I want to show you my tits. Never said anything. Great cans on old Pegaroo. Oh, I could have used those cans. You had better cans and legs. But yeah, she's a bench, she's a dime, and she probably couldn't get her leg on, so that's a good excuse to not see it.

Well, you still say hello. I guess so. But anyways, it was a lot of fun, and George was saying cut it, one and up, good one. See you in hell. Up in the heavens when legends cry, hopelessly watching the music die.