Tuesdays with Stories! - #587 Three Bs and a Pod

Episode Date: January 14, 2025

We’re doing Tuesdays at the Normand compound for the very first time and we are POPPIN’ folks! We're talking movie boobs, baby hand-me-downs, and Joe’s nightmare travel day getting to Mark’s new place!  Normando is getting INTO it about the Netflix Roast of 2024, where old Markus and Sam Morril are doing material together! They run around LA and come across Dane Cook, Dave Attell, Adam Ray, John Stamos and more! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - New DraftKings customers get $200 in bonus bets when you bet just $5. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use the code TUESDAYS. - Support the show and try your 1 st month of BlueChew for free at https://www.bluechew.com - Support the show and get Huel for 15% off plus a free gift with the code TUESDAYS at https://www.huel.com

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! That's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what... Ha! Here we are folks! This is a premiere! The first time in the Norman Lunch Stuff studio seven. Wow. Is this going to be all wavy wacky? Can the people see this? Is it dizzying? Is it read discombobulating? Okay. I heard also from somebody, a film expert that we should have space between us and the

wall depth or some bullshit. Johnny depth. You ever hear that? Yeah. We don't have a lot of options recently. We've been kind of jumping around. Well, I'm just saying, in the future, we could move this up a foot and then move that back a foot. Sure. Yeah, we could do that. Does that look better?

How does this look? Do I look like it's a Kubrick film now? By the way, the camera feels a little cheated in this direction. I don't know what's going on there. Am I crazy? Pointing right at you. What the hell's going on? I can't get any respect in this town. I love you. I think you're reading into it. It's going on there. Am I crazy? Pointing right at you. The hell's going on?

I can't get any respect in this town. I love you. I think you're reading into it. It's a perfect view. The camera's off. Perfect sight. It's off kilter. Look at the legs.

Look at the thing. Well, it is off a little wonky. It feels like it's leaning forward too. Oh, lean forward. I like to lean back. Back and to the left. Great film. Lean back.

Lean back. Oh. That's something. Motherfucking shit. Great film. Lean back. Lean back. Ugh. Motherfucking shit. Oh wait. Oh damn it. We're trying to clean it up to make money. Oh, okay. Cut me saying that motherfucker. That was after seven seconds. The seven seconds is bullshit though. That's what they say. Polk baloney.

I was in a meeting with YouTube. That's what he said. The guy from YouTube. These YouTube guys are all full of farts. I'm telling you. a special they were like don't worry about it I said cunt they gave me the clear they gave me the thumbs up and then three days in they were like just kidding and then they took all the money and all the algorithm or whatever the fuck you call it. So you put that puppy back up there right you took the cunt out like a divorce and then you put the special back up. No no I left it all up all pipes. I think the views went up since No, no, I left it all up, all pipes. I think the views went up since.

I mean, the views have gone up, but they stalled, and it goes up slow, but they're not pushing, and they claim to put, but they don't push what's not monetized. Yeah, why would they? Maybe if it's not monetized, they're not putting, they're pushing the monetization shit. Yeah, they want the dough.

All's well that ends well. The next one I think is gonna put on, I'm gonna use that Punch Up business. Dada baby. Punch up live dot com and it's very exciting. Springtime, I got a movie and a special all coming out at the same time. Man, you're popping.

Which what do you think, don't you think I have to go do the podcast and promote both at once? That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Because my manager and the publicity people, they're like, well, that's unusual. You don't usually promote two things at once, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Because my manager and the publicity people, they're like, well, that's unusual, you don't usually promote two things at once, but I'm like, otherwise I'll have to hold

one of the things for a year to come do all the podcasts again. Promote like a big package, hey, here's the big ol' grouping, I got all this stuff comin' out, there you go. That's a big package. Yeah, so put it all out in once, and maybe the algo will both of them will sink

into one little gay esophagus. Why can't you promote two things at once? I don't know. The people are listening. I like it. We do a show, you go, hey, I'm coming to Kansas City, New York, bullshit, New Orleans, Toronto. I'm not like this, I have one gig.

Good point. And I go, check out my whiskey, check out my pod, check out my special, check out my dates. It's all a kit. Yes, it's a kit kit cloud kicker. Yeah. And so that's what I got to do. I'm like, otherwise, what am I going to do? Hey, Rogan, can I do the show in February to promote my movie? Can I do it again in April to promote my special?

Like, you only get one crack at this five hour conversation. Jamie, pull that up. So yeah, I'm going to go on a big tour of the movie and the, the problem with the movie by the way, you got to promote the premiere, then you got to promote the theater run, then you got to promote the Now It's On Sale. So just six months straight of being like the movie, check out this movie. Right, right. It's a lot of promoting. it's a lot of dates, it's too much. It's good in comedy when you go, oh I got a Batman bit. Ah shit, that movie's been over for eight years.

Hey, Batman 2's out. New Batman, yeah. That helps. Well I had an old joke when I was a boy, Spider-Man came out on DVD. I knew he was gay. And then you're like, wow that joke's old, but then there's a new Batman. So I go, Batman came out on DVD. There we go. He was gay. And then you're like, wow, that joke's old, but then there's a new Batman.

So I go, Batman came out on DVD. There we go. He was gay. The Pan came out on DVD. Yes. Who the hell comes out? Yes, exactly. You got a resurgence.

Forrest Gump came out on DVD. I knew he was gay. He's a big homo, a big gay retard. But now streaming, I don't think you say come out, I guess they come out on Netflix. Yeah. They came out on Netflix. Yeah, there you go.

He came out on Netflix. He's got to out on Netflix. Yeah, there you go. They came out on Netflix. I knew he was gay. He's got to keep upgrading the technology to stay with the bit. There you go. He's got a face for podcasting. That's the new insult. Right.

Because radio's out. Radio's out. Video killed the radio star. Yeah. It's crazy, I just read this whole Nirvana book. It's so weird that they were the hottest band in the world. Before Nevermind came out, just from Word of Mouth and FM radio. Is it crazy that people got big without social media?

I know. That was the medium of the time. You gave a guy a bag of blow. You said, here, play this one song. Then a guy would go, did you hear that song the other night? Then they'd go, yeah. Then it would come on again, or you request it. Right. Remember calling in? Yes. And then, yeah, then it would just come on 800 times a day. Well, I can remember having the tape deck,

and you'd wait for the song to come on, and you'd hit record and play at the same time. You'd go, ch-ch-ch, and then you'd have it. Same here. I remember that. It was so exciting. And then you'd have like, here it is. Climbing up the charts, the hottest

platter off the platter. Yes. It's boss. And then they would play like, here it is, climbing up the charts, the hottest platter off the platter. Yeah, it's boss. And then they would play, you know, rockin in the free world. Right, right. K rock was the big one. Everybody want to get on K rock because they would use the new guy. You know, K rock was down with like, oh, we'll try this indie pop wacky band that no one's touching yet.

We'll be the first to break them. Yeah. Sometimes you think about like, we have a podcast, so basically we're doing this, and it's hard to recognize, you're like, I guess I am doing what I wanted to do, but whenever you heard about those old, the college radio station in San Francisco, and it was some old pothead asshole who'd be like,

I just found this in a van, here it is, I'm premiering, you know, the Dick Suckers. And then everyone's like, I gotta hear the Dick Suckers. I love the Dick Suckers. They were great. I'm in that band, if you know what the Dick Suckers. And then everyone's like, I gotta hear the Dick Suckers. I love the Dick Suckers. They were great. I'm in that band, if you know what I mean. But yeah, hey, this is Hamas and Hezbollah in the morning. We got a couple of bangers for you.

Here's the Dick Suckers. And then, you know, they'd go, Marvin, you gotta hear this. Right. You know, and then they'd put the phone up to the speaker. And now you're in show business. Your cousin, Marvin Berry. That's the line. That's true. I had something on that. Now it's gone. Check Barry. It was like, what would they Wolf

Man Jack is in the out in the airwaves somehow. And it was all very, very mysterious. And you'd picture what he looked like while you drive it at night. That was fun. Yeah. And then you'd see him at like an event and you'd be like what? Yes Yes, it was weird. I had that was sports radio all the time You'd listen I'd listen to sports radio in my youth and then you'd see the guy and be like, oh no That's the grossest fucking shittiest person I ever saw. That's why I was on radio. They look like Chuck makes sense But now whoo, I can't imagine. But yeah, now it's, we're doing that with podcasts to some degree, I guess. Well, now I remember what I wanted to say. I got

to run this by you, Fatty. So this is the power of the airwaves. I did that Larry David story on here. It got clipped, went all over the internet. It's got about 100K views or something like that, which is big for us on a clip. Absolutely. It got back to the agent. He apologized, long text. It got back to Berkowitz, the head of WME, I mean, the biggest agent in America maybe in comedy. He called me and Colin Jost texted me about it.

A bunch of people text me about it. Marcelo at SNL was like, I heard the fucking Larry David thing. It was hilarious. It went everywhere and now all these guys are apologizing to me. Well, that's nice. Well, can they set up a new meeting with LD? They're not that sorry. All right. But it's kind of nice because if I went, hey, Berkowitz, you piece of shit, Larry David ago. Hey, well, that's the business kid goes go check out the dick suckers on K Rock, but if it comes out on the pod and it starts blowing up

It's kind of like Delta if you go hey Delta you fucking homo they go hang up blow me We'll see you in hell terrorist, but if you go Twitter Delta's pissing me off. They go, Oh, whatever you need. Here's a voucher for old ball. Well, it's like it's a power. We got the power of the airwaves. Like you said, I'm like Zach Morris in that say by the bell episode. Remember? No. Remember the same with the bell. They found the old radio station. Time out. And, you know, Mr. Belding used to be the thing. And then they they get on the radio. and then there's

a lady wrestler who's hot, really hot. She wants to wrestle with the boys, and they won't let her, so Jessie uses the power of the airwaves and Zack, and they go on, and then they let her wrestle, and of course she wins. Sure. You know, because women are stronger than men. You got that right. Wrestling.

What's their name? The swimmer? Caitlin Clark. No, that right. Wrestling. What's their name? The swimmer? Caitlin Clark. No, that's a basketball player. Or a female shooter. Matt Broussard. The swimming guy. Michael Phelps.

The trans. Oh, Thompson. Leah Thompson. Thank you. There you go. Leah Thomas. Leah Thompson, you see her tits in all the right moves, which we should put together.

Somebody should do a smash, cut, grab, whatever it's called, of all the times I've mentioned that you can see Leah Thompson's tits in all the right moves. I don't remember you saying that. I feel like I've alluded to it at least nine times. How are they? Through the years.

How are they? They're like high school fucking Leah Thompson tits. What are you, crazy? They're fantastic. No wonder her son raped her in Back to the Future. Fun film, and boy, she was something else and her daughter I think is a hot actor now too. Well there's Leah Thompson and there's Elizabeth Shoe

and they have a very similar look and tit. Their tits and face are very similar. Right, people say Sarah looks like Elizabeth Shoe all the time. I can see that. Yeah, an old shoe. Like an old slipper. But yeah, no, Elizabeth Shoe is the hottest. Leah Thompson. I mean, all those women, because you're a boy watching that. Oh yeah. Back to the future, when they do the dance at the end and that camera cranes

over and they flip the undies up. Oh, that was big. I used to pause that all the time on the VHS and just whiff whiff whew, whew. That was big. And she had those old lady 50s panties. And it was still hot, cause it was just nice high school legs in the air. I love a 50s panty and Chuck's getting all hot and bothered. He's put a pillow on his lap. You gotta put a towel down for this guy.

He sat up and put a pillow on. Well, this is crazy. Cause we're in your house here. I came here for a party. It was a nice day, but now it's gray. I walked around looking for parking. And I gotta tell you, this is what is known in my circles as a road game. Meaning you're always on the run?

It's well, it's just, this isn't the home base here. It's a little bit different. Demographic. Colored around here. Yeah. I haven't seen a white since I pulled it to town. I wouldn't just walk by. Yeah. She was sprinting. That's true. Had a whistle in her mouth. It's a little spicy meatball over here.

I mean, I'm back to my childhood. Black neighborhood, unfinished home, worried about an intruder. Yeah, it's really something else. You got a nice big house in a interesting neighborhood. Well we're getting the alarm system. We're getting the whole thing on the phone where you go, please get out of my house. Ah, that's smart. That whole thing and you're being watched, you're under surveillance, the police are

on their way. Yeah, yeah, you gotta do it. White guy, white lady. There you go, okay, yep, very brisk. White woman, fat white woman. Well I think this is the white street, but right down there. Oh, yeah. The Dave and Busters is like Harlem light.

Well, like, bust him. Bust a cap. But yeah. Chuck's making a face. I'm only joking. It's fine. It's great. I'm just trying to be silly goose.

Hispanic. Well, he's working for you. That's true. I hire the migrants. Somebody's got to use them. They need money. They're eating my food. They're eating the eggs. But yeah, it's very exciting here. And this is a perfect studio. I think we come in here, lock, stock and barrel. Anytime you want. I mean, I know the parking situation. It's usually not this crazy. I don't know. I think it's the mall

traffic. I live by the mall and it's all the people shopping. I think 1988. I think you're right. The park. But well, I'll take the subway most of the time, but I had to deliver the Duna. Thank you. Which is the greatest invention of all time. Every time I walk by someone with a Duna, I go, Duna buddies, and they all stare. They think I'm crazy.

But that thing, we got so many miles. It's been to 17, 18 states, all the flights. That is the greatest piece of equipment ever created. It's a car seat, stroller in one. If you're out there listening, I'm not getting stroller in one. If you're out there listening, I'm not getting paid to say this. If you're having a baby, get yourself a Duna. Now there's some white stains on it.

It's all sunblock, it's not cum. Sarah vacuumed it, detailed it. And then that bouncy chair, you put that down, you put the foot on like a drum, and you just bounce that thing until he kills himself. What a friend, thank you. You're welcome. I'm gonna put cum on it.

When that baby's asleep, I'll feel so good I'm just gonna blow a load. Well I'm happy to get it out of my goddamn house and it's a beautiful ride. I mean it's sad. I've taken that thing everywhere. It's hard to let go of these things. What do you think? Seattle? LA? That thing's been all over LA, Seattle, Austin. Wow. Where else did we go? Key West, it's been all up and down Key West, thousands of miles on that little thing. Wow, you can see the wheels, it's got some wear and tear.

Oh, it is tear baby, and it's fucking beautiful. And our new stroller sucks ass, that one's got a great foot, brake, gas, oh it rolls. Thank you Duna, good movie by the way with Timothée Chalamoux. I haven't seen those Dune movies. I don't get it. It's space fucking sand. Get out of here. Yeah, you know, they see the Dune popcorn bucket? Put a photo of that up. It's a Dune popcorn bucket. They have those big scary worms that come out of the sand and they look like buttholes. So the popcorn bucket is a bucket of popcorn with a butthole on the top

like a like a mouth and it looks like a flashlight. Oh wow. So everybody was fucking fun. Yeah it's kind of hot. I fucked one but I always said they should have made a Schindler's List popcorn bucket but all the popcorn was burnt. That's not bad. What about 12 Years a Slave? Whip butter? Oh that's fine. Okay okay the whips. Check out whip butter. Oh, that's fine, okay, okay, the whips, yeah. Check out the roasts, 2024, that joke's in there. Oh, okay, nice. Netflix, Jeff Ross. I heard it didn't go great, and now I'm putting it together.

I got all that. Oh, it's been teased, baby. I can't wait to hear about it. Yes. Well, let's get, I mean, should we get into it here? Let's get into it, we're in the studio. Yeah, this is the studio, the new stuff, stuff the new studio those look like security cameras up there I don't think you can see them, but it's just black and white TVs. What's the story with those?

I always like these they the way they look and I just leave them on and while I write and I just feel like a bad Scientist, but probably get a shot at insert it. I don't think you can see it. I said this is quite a wall of horseshit here I got on my old CDs here, the wife wedding photo, that trophy, remember I won that weirdo contest in Nebraska? Oh yeah, I remember that. You were there trying to bang Mrs. Nebraska. Oh, that's right. She was maybe 100 years old.

She was like 55 or 80. Keep going. You were really chatting her up. And Fred Willard, I got a nice photo with Fred Willard. Oh, that's right. One of my heroes, that guy. Fred Willard, I got a nice photo with Fred Willard, one of my heroes, that guy. Fred Willard. I'm a big fan, not of you guys specifically, but the whole genre.

That was the, that was a famous Leonard Oates. Leonard Oates is this big, fat, black comic. He's hilarious and he's a friend, but he is the cockiest, most confident man on the planet. And we're sitting in a hot tub with his fat ass and the, you know, it's bubbling up. He's smoking a joint in a La Quinta Inn. We're all in a hot tub, it's like six of us, and he goes, I'm gonna win this thing, how can I not win? And you're

like, well, we're gonna go up against you, we might have a shot. He goes, you ain't shit. He was just telling us we ain't shit, and he was gonna win and and he didn't he got dead last. Yeah Last didn't didn't win at all and then you guys roasted each other for the Comedy Central roast I think they just nipped that thing right in the bud. Yeah. Yeah. Well that whipped butter line I used that then too and I didn't fly boy. That was that was a real bag of turds was eaten that night Well, the grammar see that that night? That's right. And Moshe Kasher was the judge, remember that? Vaguely. Yeah, it was a blur.

Did that air anywhere? I don't believe so. Maybe on Paramount Plus or Tubi. Anyways. Anyhow, so where do we begin? I mean, I don't know. Well, first of all, let me just tell you. Why are you talking about the parking?

Let me just tell you, my commute over here. So this is our first time recording over here in East Hell and Brooklyn. My God, it is terrifying over here. Just traffic and honking and yelling and gangs and. No kooks? No kooks, what are you crazy? Well in the borough of Brooklyn, yes, but in this area.

No, no, no, no. There's a kook out there right now. What? Are you nuts? There's a shopping mall in Flatbush Avenue. It's kooks. I didn't see any today. I went all over there. I went to Best Buy.

I went to Target. Oh my God. A guy just walked up and he had like a mask hanging down over here. He's like, who's got a match? Who got a match? You got a match? I need a match. Who got a match?

He's the mayor. No, no, no, no. He's a kook. He was a straight kook. He was missing his shoe. He was need a match. Who got a match? Oh, he's the mayor. No, no, no, no. He was a straight cook. He was missing his shoe. He was carrying a bag. He's the neighborhood watch director. I know that guy. There's cooks right up the street. I'm going to go take some video of some cooks. Send me your way. We'll plug them in right here. But no, it's beautiful over here. It's a beautiful home. The home is beautiful. The backyard is unbelievable. I wouldn't walk down the street after sundown, but what are you going to do? Sure, that's fair. So I went to my, my car's in a garage over there. And it's a massive garage. It's like

the biggest garage you've ever seen. So I have to take like 15 photos every time I park it. This is in my neighborhood. Got it. So every time I park, you know, I only drive once every week, two weeks, three weeks, five weeks sometimes. Same. I've been driven in a month. So you have to go find the photos. I'm like, where did I park? I have no idea.

I'm on the seventh floor, way up top. I get up there. I haven't been in my car in a month. Get down there. Now I'm running a little late because the traffic in the tunnel is just blood red. You know when you do Google Maps and it just looks like a red vein in your cock?

It's just period blood all the way through. Absolutely. So normally it's like a 14 minute car ride from my house to your house. It says 33 minutes. So I'm like, fuck my ass. Who are these people? Who is in that tunnel?

What are you doing right now? Well, everyone's getting on the BQE. You know what I think it might be? Oh, today's Friday. It's the Friday. People are going to be mad when they find out how long ago we recorded. But it's the Friday before Christmas. It's the fri- People are gonna be mad when they find out how long ago we recorded, but it's the Friday before Christmas,

everybody's getting on the BQE to get the fuck out of here. At noon? Yes, everyone takes Friday off, they leave, they think they're gonna leave at 8 a.m., but you have to pack the kids, you have to fuck your dad. I see, I see. So that's what all the traffic was,

it was all, I didn't even go in the tunnel, I ended up taking the Brooklyn Bridge, which is fun to drive over. Ah, I love it. You feel like you're like, this is crazy. I'm on the most famous bridge in the world. Yes, quite a story of the building of that thing, but that's a whole nother bag of hammers.

And they ripped off the Cincinnati Bridge. Is that right? Yeah, that bridge is older. It looks exactly the same. What? And you'd think that Cincinnati took from Brooklyn, but Brooklyn took from Cincinnati. Hey, there you go, Cincy,line, chili, love Cincinnati bangles, the bangles and the reds.

Good band. Oh yeah. And good movie. It's billing. I don't know the movie bangles. Reds. Oh, reds. I believe that is a movie with Belushi. No, that's Robert Redford, I think, directed Reds, and I think it's about the communists. There you go. Well anyways, so I go to go get my car, because normally I would take the subway, but I had the Duna and the Flippi Flu, whatever that thing's called, the bouncy. So I go, all right, I got to drop off some laundry. I had a big old bag of laundry, it's like 40 pounds, I drop that off, I run to my front door to the door guy, I go, I'm going to leave a couple baby things.

Then I'm going to run and get my car. I'll only be 10 minutes. And they're swamped with Amazon packages and all this shit. Oh, I bet. Holidays. So I go, I'll be right back. So I run down to the garage, literally jog down there, because I want to make sure I'm on time.

You know me. I'm obsessed with being on time. I hate myself. I look at it as a piece of shit if I'm late. So I go over there. I run. White people. Find my car. run around, get the car, come down the garage, seven levels all the way down. You know how slow you got to go, corkscrewing around.

It's like that Dane Cook bit. It still screeches. Exactly. I'm backing up. So I get to the gate and I got the little magnetic card, because you're a monthly, so it lets you go out. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Gate's not opening. So I'm going, what the fuck? I'm already late, I'm sucking my own dick. I got the fucking stroller is sitting at the door guy. So the clock is going on my head.

Like the door guy's like, why did he leave the thing here for this long? He said 10 minutes, been 11 minutes, 12 minutes. So I'm beeping. It says call for help. I hit the help button Yeah, and it's the classic thing in New York everywhere the shit city Shit city all right, and I go hello. Yeah, I'm a monthly. I'm putting my pass up. It's not opening the gate You're talking to Bane over here. I grew up in the darkness.

I can't hear you. I don't hear you. Should we have a hand with the doctor? You gotta text the guy at this point. I go, hello! I can't get out! And now a guy that... some other guy comes out and he looks like one of your neighbors, if you know what I mean. I see.

What are you doing over there? What are you doing? What is this? I go, well, I'm stuck. I got the thing. He goes, no, man, you're on the wrong side. You gotta back up, go back to level three, cross over to the main side. I go, fuck me.

So I have to back the car up like 50 feet. Anytime you're back up more than six feet, you feel like a piece of shit. I know. Just doing this. You're gonna go to jail or something. So now I go all the way back up You're going to go to jail or something. So now I go all the way back up to level three.

The minutes are ticking away. You guys are, at this moment Chuck's like, I just parked. You're like great, I'm going to hurry. The Duna is sitting at the door guy. I just picture the door guy staring at his watch. You guys are staring at your watches. We don't, we're all good. Don't worry about us.

The neighbor's taking your watch. So then I go all the way to the other side. I go down. I go, all right, here we go.. I'm free and clear. This is where I need to be No gate open the gate doesn't open so I call the thing again. Surely this speaker works I go Now I'm like snapping. The guys are like, so then a guy comes running out. He goes, you got to put your park, park the car, leave it there.

I'll put cones behind you. Take your card. You got to bring the card into the office. I go, what the fuck? This is brutal. So the guy throws the cones down. Now my car has just got the houses on. People are behind me honking like get the fuck out of the way. Right. This shit.

So I jog in there. The guy's like, that's the hazards on. People are behind me honking like, get the fuck out of the way, you piece of shit. So I jog in there, the guy's like, that's the old card. And I'm like, well, could you send me a fucking email? Yes. Text me, email me go, hey, you got to come get a new card that way. I would have done it when I wasn't in a hurry. Yes, exactly. So the guy's like, this is your new card, your new thing. So whatever, I run back over, I get out finally, then I got to drive back to the house, grab the Duna and the bouncy house. The guy's like, where were you man? And as I'm running in there, Sarah's coming back. She goes,

you're back already? I'm like, I haven't left. And she's like, you know the classic thing, like don't you have to pod at noon? I'm like, yes, yes, I know about the noon. I know about the clock. I'm sweating, my dick's hard, I'm bleeding out of my asshole, I'm running around. Yes, yes, I'm late. Whitey. So then we go, she was A, she was not white and B, she was not happy with that point. Oh really? She looked back like she was going to cut your dick off. She's got the blade.

Well what race was that? That was a Latina, that was a spicy Latina for sure. Well that's transitioning to black. Yeah, it's in between. Tweeter. Yes, there you go. But anyways, so I finally get the stuff in the car, get in the car, sit in blood red traffic on the bridge.

Yeah, period. Get over here to the neighborhood. And then it's the classic thing, you're driving up your street. And this is the thing that makes New York the worst place on planet Earth. Because you're like, I'm here, but I'm not here because I'm in a fucking car. LA has that too.

Oh yeah, LA. I just had that. Oh, LA's another one. That's terrible. You have that thing where you're like, I just want to put this on the sidewalk. I know. And just go, oh, I don't know, I'm retarded.

My father hit me when I was a boy. It's why Uber is so popular, because you're just like, I'm done with you. Get away from me. Exactly. Be gone, Camry. And so, again, the subway is normally easier, but I just wanted to get the shit stair.

Thank you. We appreciate it. Of course. Oh, you're going to love it. It's the best thing you've ever had. So finally, I go, there's a garage right at the end of the street here. And once I dodged all the people just standing

in the middle of the street, I get to the garage. I'm like, all right, this will be easy. I don't have to the street. I get to the garage. I'm like, alright This will be easy. I don't have to look for parking get to this garage There's like 12 spots. They're all full. So tiny garage. It's all full So I'm just doing laps around hoping somebody will leave and it's always the case where you're coming around this way And then someone takes the spot and you're like, but I was here before that and then you finally have the thing where someone's backing out and you go like And then you finally have the thing where someone's backing out and you go like, you back up, they move, parked in there.

I hadn't eaten so I had to stop at Starbucks and shove a donut and a croissant up my ass. So now I'm just all on caffeine and donuts. I'm a little psychotic. I haven't slept. My father's gay. But here we are. We only started 75 minutes late.

Yeah. And I'm glad to be here. This feels so new and fresh. Hey, thank God. I really worked on it. Now, did you paint this color like that? They beautiful color. I picked it. They painted it. That's spectacular. I picked the wall and everything in this room I put together. I put that shelf together, this couch, that credenza and this desk and that shelf. It's all blood, sweat, and queefs. I mean, this is really spectacular.

I mean, I would never leave this room, especially if I had a wife and a kid. I know, that's the plan. This is like, I don't want to say the word man cave, because I hate that term. But this is going to be my sanctuary, podcasting, writing jokes, tweaking, jerking off. The worst part is I got a street view.

So I'll be writing jokes and I'm like. Right, right. And people are walking by like, oh man, they put the schizophrenic guy on the bottom floor, I guess. You love a street view. I mean, it's nice, you got people walking by. The faces give you inspiration.

Yes, yes, exactly. I got plant life, I got trees, and I got brownstone. So, could be worse. And I'm hoping to get a little snow out here. I'm praying for snow. We never get snow anymore. It's all over. We had a little flurry today.

I saw some dangerous coming down. I got a flurry. I got a couple flurries but not like it used to be. But man, this room is really like. Thanks, wait till I get the pictures up and I'm gonna hang some stuff. So we're getting there. TV? I put a TV down here?

Eh, it's a risk. I'll never leave. If I put a TV, it's over. It's like my DePaulo story. Tell that joke. That's a great joke. Well, I was at DePaulo's house. This is where he lived in Westchester.

Now he's in Georgia. We were down in the basement. He had a TV that pulled... It was a TV, 75 by 48, the size of my cock, and it pulled off the wall. It was one of those ones that had an arm. Yes. He put a pillow here and a pillow there. I lay at the counter.

He goes, lay here. Do this. He pulled it down and they tilted it. So I'm an arm. And then he put a pillow here and a pillow there. I lay the, he goes, lay here, do this. He pulled it down and they tilted it. So I'm like this and he shows me, he's got every hockey channel. And he goes, this is why I'm not funny anymore. Of course he's being humble because he's still the funniest guy on the planet. But I was like, that's the problem.

You get too good of a life and you're like, I don't wanna go anywhere. I told that story to Sam and he goes, oh yeah, he was, man, he was really funny. I was like, all right, cool. Nice. But, uh, always fun when you get that reaction. Right. Oh, this is yours by the way. Got to sign that beauty. Um, so let me get into this, uh, speaking of LA and parking, let me get into this goddamn shit show. I did get in there because I don't have another

Story or thing to add I got nothing. I mean we just recorded I'm fresh out of material here So hit me with every single detail take your time go up and down and over and out Please add to this because there's a lot of layers and a lot of twists and turns in this beauty All right, okay, okay, so Me and Sam are running this shit like crazy. We have to get on the early flight, of course, because he wants all the writing time, white women. So then... You're only pointing out them.

There's been about 14 other folks, which is nice. Diversity is good, but for the record, I mean, you're tilting this. You got your thumb on the scale here. We've seen about 38 Globetrotters walking by, which is fine. I'm not. Now it looks like I'm on team racism here. But I'm just saying it's a, love a Globetrotter. It's a, it's a different vibe down here than the old place. It's an R and B video for sure. There's just quite an entourage of rappers and athletes,

but I'll point it all out. We'll do every goddamn race. I like diversity. We got Muslim. Okay. He's got a duna. Hey, there you go. That's his name. All right, so we go out to LA and they fly us to Delta One. Yes. I think I mentioned that.

You sure did. I'm just thinking, I got no sleep. I'm'm gonna go to bed on this flight and Sam's like go to bed. What are you kidding? And he's got a full PowerPoint spreadsheet projector on the wall. Hey folks, Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by Draft Kings. Make the most of the playoffs with Draft Kings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the National Football League, it's an easy and fun way to get started with sports betting,

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Let's get back to the show. Oh yeah. The plane, he's got a beautiful mind in there. He's got a chalkboard and everything. All these equations up there. So we don't sleep. We do six hours of writing on the flight.

Oh my God. Yeah. Six hours. We're texting writers, black women, we're texting writers trying to keep it fair. And you know, we're going at, what do you got on this? You got anything on Jeff Ross being fat? Oh, he's got cancer. How about P. Diddy? What do you got on Hawk Tua? What do you got on Luigi? And we're all just going back and forth. We're writing, we're writing. You tell him a joke, he goes, it's close. But so we land in LA, we go to the hotel, we start writing in the hotel. Then we get a shower in and we, by the way, the shower is scary because we're up against it.

We're under the gun so bad time-wise. And I get out of the shower and Sam's written me like 38 jokes. And you're like, man, that shower is like my time. Right. Now you're just like, my god, your wife's texting you, you got a million jokes from a million writers. Then you finally write some jokes and the Netflix people go, hey, you gotta cut this, this, and this.

And you're like, what are we doing here? You killed me. Oh, yeah. So it's a stressful. You just did that to me. Yeah. It's a stressful evening. We go to the Improv, we do a set. Chocolate Sundays.

Chocolate Sundays? At the Laugh Factory. Oh, that's the show. Oh, I see, I see. I thought you were telling me that's what you ate. No, no, it looked like my neighborhood. So we go to the Laugh Factory for show one. This is the first show in LA out of like, I don't know, four a night for three nights.

What's that, 12 shows? I've done that show, I like that show. Black woman. Well here's the thing, we're the only white people in sight and it's two of us going up at once. I felt like Kramer, you know, white woman. So we go up and they're kinda like, eh, where the, I go, where the DEI hire?

That bombs. And then, and then we're doing well, white guy. Old white guy. We're going well and it's going good and then we go into the Lizzo, we go into the P. Diddy, we go into R. Kelly, we go into Rihanna and they're like, who are these honkies coming up and making fun of our celebrities?

So they hate us. Oh boy, so it goes bad. So I go you guys should be hung up now. So Yeah, I go well that was rough You know when you're bombing so bad and we're flipping through the pages and you're like we got two more pages This is gonna be a long set. Well, then you start thinking well, I think one of these pages has a good Yes, somewhere in here. Yes, yes. Somewhere in here, there's something. Yeah, but I did a joke about Rihanna getting beaten up, and I'm like, isn't it ironic that the woman who got beat up now has a makeup company to cover the bruises?

Well, that's fun. I thought it was a good joke, but they're just like, fuck you, fuck your mother, we love Rihanna, we love Chris Brown, and we'll beat you up. Right. Oh, boy. So we get off stage, and it was one of those bombs where I go, well, we love Chris Brown, and we'll beat you up. Right, oh boy. So we get off stage and it was one of those bombs where I go, well, we got a story. Yes.

Which is always a bad bomb. Right, well that's how I, that's the thing, black woman, that's the thing that's nice about life now is that with the podcast, we've talked about this before, is when things go wrong, even in the garage today, I was like, well, I got some stuff to talk about. That's true, we got some Potter. Black guy that looks terrifying.

Yeah. He had a gurney with him. You see that? He was dragging something behind him and looked like he had just been beat up, black woman. Black woman. This might get old, but that's three B's in a row. Three B's in a pod.

So we go there. We leave. We go to the Improv. Imp leave, we go to the improv. Improv, we see some white faces, we do well, we go to Flappers, three white women. We go to Flapper, oh, and an Asian. Okay, no, that's two in an Asian. Two in an Asian.

This feels like we're doing a Christmas Carol. Two in an Asian. All right, so we go to Flappers, and it's all old white people. We run it there. Wow, you're running it at Flappers? and it's all old white people. We run it there. Wow, you're running it at Flappers? Yeah, we were really trying to spread it out. Wow.

Then we ended at the Improv again, did four good times, and then we wake up the next day, get breakfast, write all day again. Then we go to the Improv, great. We go to the store, do every room in the store. Wow. Agent Iapolucci was doing the belly room, so we opened up for her. Then We go to the store, do every room in the store. Wow. Agent I. Pellucci was doing the belly room, so we opened up for her. Then we went to the main room, which is that's where they should have filmed this fucking thing. That room is magical. Yes. Not the original room of the main room, the main room, the main room,

but the red and the thing sold out. It was a life. It was banging. I love that room. I love that whole building. I love all three of those rooms are fucking awesome. Awesome. I love that room. I love that whole building. I love all three of those rooms are fucking awesome. Awesome. I love that club. There's a podcast studio. There's a bar on the roof.

There's a back deck. I mean, it's smoke cigars back there. It's so it's like a Hamas tunnel. The intricacies, the mazes of it, the levels. It's really incredibly built. It used to be zeroes. Yeah, killed back there. It was just really one of each.

White woman, white black guy. It used to be Ciro's, there were people killed back there. It was just really one of each. White woman, white black guy. Yeah, it's just really just a spectacular building. Yes, it really is. I love that fucking place. I do too. And just to go back to LA. I think the Coke that was been done and who Sam Kinnison got

blown in the basement and Tim Allen built something in the ceiling. Rrrrr! And yeah, so great, great place. Clip it. So here's the clinker though. We're at the comedy store, jumping around from room to room. Dane Cook shows up.

Oh. And he goes, hey, what am I on? I can't do it, Dane. But he's very big. And he comes in, and we're like, oh, there's Dane Cook. And I don't care what you hear, what comes out, what goes up, what goes down. It's still Dane Cook. Of course, one of the greats.

One of the greats, one of the biggest, one of the first guys to do arenas after Steve Martin. And still doing huge theaters, by the way. Is that right? Oh yeah. Okay. So we were like, we're going next. And he kind of goes all right all right

And you're he wants to go when he shows up. That's Dane Cook. Of course. So we bumped Dane Cook, which is weird Wow, so then we get off stage. It goes great We're like we're really humming with this this ten minutes And so I'm talking to Sam and I'm like we got about five minutes before we do our next show at the OR Which is the original room? Sam and I'm like, we got about five minutes before we do our next show at the OR, which is the original room. We should give our respects to Dane Cook, because I've never met him. So he's sitting in the stairwell looking at his notes and I go, hey, Mark, big fan, just

want to say sorry we went on in front of you, good to meet you. And he was like, oh yeah, no problem. And he was super nice, but you could tell he was like, I appreciate you. You're showing some respect. OK. You got to do it sometimes. And then he was like, I just put an hour down.

I'm starting a new hour. So I'm going to be a little shaky. And I listen to your stuff. And don't you hate when a comic does this? He's like, dude, I listen to your guys' set. It's getting there. And you're like, ah! Getting there.

We're shooting tomorrow. I know! You want him to be like, that was that was killer great job but you probably had notes you're reading off paper you're running from spot to spot they probably said these guys are running this for TV so he's just trying to connect with you that's true knowing that you're working on it yes that's what I feel like it's happening yeah well Dave Attell we saw him and he said the same thing he goes I think you're about 70% there.

And Sam was like, we shoot tomorrow. Right. So that was a bit of a bummer, but hey, it's above average. 70 C plus, C minus. Whatever. No one wants a plus. Plus size is gross. Good point. You have a plus one? Plus one's nice. That's true. That's fun.

What else is plus? Plus, is the plus system? Isn't there, they're on the plus system. I just know that from the Seinfeld. Plus one's nice. That's true. That's fun. What else is plus? Plus, is the plus system? Isn't there, they're on the plus system. I just know that from the Seinfeld. I don't know plus system. That's when he's in, he's talking about Turkey, Midnight Express, plus system wouldn't work, which I don't know what that means.

I don't either. Yeah. Give that a good plus system. Plus play. Shooting plus out of his zit. Got a lot of plus-y. All right. Oh yeah out of a zit. Got a lot of plus-y. All right, oh yeah. Plus of stuff.

Hispanic. And a group of black ladies. Triple black. Three blacks all in one. We just hit the jackpot. Always bet on black. The black pot. Black Friday.

Jack, you got something? Plus system. Worldwide ATM access. Whoa. Plus system. I would have never guessed that. Yeah. Interesting.

OK, so we leave there, and we go to the improv for one last show. Turns out we were late, so we missed the show. And now it's D-Ray Mondays. D-Ray? What's that? D-Ray Davis. I don't know D-Ray Mondays. D-Ray, what's that? D-Ray Davis. I don't know D-Ray Davis. D-Ray Davis is a famous black comedian

from Wild and Out who has a huge following. Oh wow. So it's another urban show. Okay. So we get there and it's like half full, it's super urban, the comics are bombing. It looked, the comic on stage before us was like Dave Chappelle and Nutty Professor.

Remember that? One of my favorite scenes ever the big hat like look at this fat motherfucker Right. I mean he does the worm. It's one of my favorite history of American cinema. Should I get him? Yeah It's so good, but that was the guy on before us so we're up in the green room two whites Those are not whites. Those are Latinos two Two Latinos, I don't see color. And so we're up in the green room and I'm looking down the stairs to the stage. I was like, we've done four sets, it shoots tomorrow, it's 11.30 at night, we're wiped,

we've been writing all day, we've been running jokes, let's go the fuck home. And Sam's like, let's get the hell out of here. God bless you. There is a point of writing too much and running too much, I think. Completely. And you lose the meaning of it.

You know when you say a word over and over, we don't even know what's funny, what's up, what's down. At one point I pitched, Jeff Ross looks like a lesbian. Caitlin Clark Barr. And Sam's like, we gotta go to bed. Kaitlyn Clark Bar. Black man. Yikes.

Well that's why I have a tradition before every TV taping, I take the night off before. The night before I take off. That's big. Just to kind of chill and just be a regular human because you're like, I got it, I'm gonna say all the things. After a while you're like, these are the words we're saying, that's it.

That's big so yeah good call damn big black guy staring in the window oh gee took notes too you see staring right at me what's must be weird when you're just walking up the street and you look and there's just two guys with lights and microphones docking to each other it looks like a gay casting couch like we're about to blow each other i'll be down for that. Patreon. So we go, Sam goes, all right, let's get the fuck out of here. I'll get us an Uber. I'm going to go pee.

And I go, great. So I'm stealing everything from the green room as you do, candy bars and snacks and candy and all this shit, water bottles. And in comes up the Dave Chappelle from Nutty Professor. And he goes, oh, I heard you guys are going on the show. Legend, here we go, big hand, elaborate handshake. And I go, yeah, yeah. And he goes, you guys are next.

And I go, ah, we're gonna get out of here. And we already got an Uber. He goes, what? No, I gotta see this shit. And I was like, ah, you don't wanna see it. It's two white guys. He's like, no, no, this is gonna be great. You guys are gonna die up there.

You gotta see this crowd. I'm like, nah, we're getting out of here and he goes you're going next they showed me a gun I said alright so I go downstairs and Sam's like ubers in one minute he comes out of the bathroom I go we're going on and he's like what I thought we were leaving I'm like the guy wants us to go on white guy and I was like yeah we got to go on he's like counting on us, and he was like okay When I say we died it was death Becomes her it was so bad. I mean we bombed they hated us the scowls Jerry. Oh boy So then this is where it all comes together

We go we could have we left on a high note. We could have gotten out of there We had to go bomb, Sam's furious, I'm defeated. I get off stage and a guy grabs me with his wife and he's sitting at a table and he goes, come here, come here, you were on that show, I'm trying to tell my, you were on some show. And I'm so angry, I just go, yeah, to catch a predator and he goes, that's it. That's hilarious. So that was a great, that was a real moment. That's fun. That's hilarious. So then we got in the car and then drove home defeated and went to bed and woke up the next

day and did the roast and that's a whole other chapter. That's so funny because that happens all the time when people, they just want a title. They want to say who's in this thing. Yes. Because I've had that same thing before where someone says a thing, they're like, yep, that's it. Right. And you're like, I know you've done seen this. Exactly.

We were like, well, I made a fucking sketch at home with 12 of my high school buddies. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's what I'm thinking of. They just want something to go. That's it. Older white lady. Yep. She looks terrified.

Yeah. She's waving. She's waving. Hey! She's like, another white. She was kind of attractive. Yeah. She's like, all right, I can run in this house

if something happens. This really feels like Home Alone 2. It was kind of attractive. Yeah, she's like, all right, I can run in this house if something happens. It really feels like Home Alone 2. It's so similar to Home Alone 2. There's a crazy pigeon lady on the corner. There's a few of them. I saw them, I'm telling you. White burglars, though. So what the hell was I talking about?

You bombed, you ate shit. And so that ends chapter four, or whatever we're on. But to piggyback on what you said about the just want a show name, my friend used to work on movies like out shooting out in the street and people go, what movie you working on? And he would go John Wick and that was when John Wick wasn't out yet. So they go, what the fuck is John Wick? And he got sick of people being like, what the fuck is that? So he would just say Jerry Maguire too. Oh, that's fine. Just to keep it moving. Cause then they go, Oh, I've heard of that I get it it's a sequel moving on.

Exactly. I always do that I always look at the project name because they're always shooting stuff in New York and then on the you know sidewalk they have the project but I'm like oh I don't know what that is but I'm like why would I know what that is it's in production. It's a brand new movie. Occasionally it's a TV show and you're like oh they're shooting girls here or whatever. On order. Black lady looks upset with us. Yeah, always. Actually she smiled that time. Hey! Race relations. At first she looked upset. It's funny because there's two windows. So she looked mad and then she crossed the

little blind spot and then she was smiling when she came out. All right, that's good. It's progress. I think the thing that this is being like mic'd out there. Like the old radio. The old radio stations when you walk by you can hear what's going on. That's true. That would be our nightmare I mean if people are walked by hearing this they'd call the FCC. Oh, that's spray-paint swastikas on the window that night I already did it That's how I keep them out Some people get a fake ADT sign like the security sign I just go nice swastika black guy Some people get a fake ADT sign, like the security sign. I just go, whoop, whoop, whoop. Nice.

Swastika. Black guy. Actually, that looked like a kook, frankly. Yeah, he looked a little angry. That was kooky. Yeah. So, I almost said something. Moving on.

So, now it's the day of the roast. Okay, roast day. It's a game day for comics. It's big. Lotta buildup, lotta work, and I'm in my hotel room pacing, writing it, saying it out loud, working on the wording, all that shit. And a car comes at three o'clock, we jump in, hurry up and wait! You gotta get to this. Now let me throw this at ya. Please, throw it right in my asshole. We show up to the set. It's in a warehouse. It's in like a rock club in downtown LA

Okay, Tim Dylan said it's the fifth time. He's been to LA downtown black lady in his life. He's lived in LA 15 years He's been downtown five times right and this is one of them. I'm black lady. There you go. All right So seeing a pattern here, but they all black guy so they shoot All the stuff in downtown LA. It's always bizarre. I shot my half hour there. I did my festival show down there. It's always weird because you're like, this neighborhood is just heroin addicts,

kooks, crazies, homeless. There's like 75,000 homeless people. But then every once in a while, billionaire show business people come down, lock, stock, and barrel. I know. And then they have like a rap party. So everyone's sitting around with martinis and tequila and whatever going, oh, we did it again.

Exactly. We're all made a million dollars. And then there's just 350 of the craziest heroin fentanyl people. It's very uncomfortable. It is. It really is. It's Hollywood in a nutshell. It's all these like kind of super progressive,

rich, white people who are like, we need diversity, we need color, we need to represent all the different groups. Then they shoot something downtown and they're like, we gotta get the fuck out of here. All these people scare the shit out of me. Let's go. They're all full of shit.

So, at least I put my money where I'm about this, and I live directly in Uganda. Yes, sir. Cut that. So, Uganda be killing me. Chelsea Handler. So, we get to the show day, we get there at three, it doesn't shoot till nine,

you can see the line forming outside, I got a million people, could you get me in, could you get me in? This is how disorganized it was. We couldn't get anybody in. We had a bodega cat bottle. We were like, we want to put this on the table where we're sitting.

You told this part. Okay, that wasn't allowed. Everything you hope for just shuts down. Right. So then they go, we want you in a white ditty party outfit. And we go, I thought we were wearing cool smoking jackets, like Hugh Hefner. And they go, yeah, we kind of didn't like that. and we're like, but we like that and you start to go

Maybe I'll just walk like everything I'm asking for they won't do but everything they want I have to do right and you're kind of like They're running the show. They're running the show and I get it, but you're like I'd like to Enjoy doing the show as well. Like do I I ever get a say? Do I get anything? Right. If I was J.Lo, they would do it. That's a good point. But not for me.

So we push back hard, we get the smoking jackets. But it wasn't easy. Now it's a fight. Okay. So we got that. So we're looking pretty good. Sam, look, amazing. Did you keep the jacket? No, the one I wore was $2,000.

Wow. I mean, they're velvet, they got the tassels and the belt, and the... It's Netflix, what are they, returning it? Probably. 100% returning it. So, then we go out, we do a rehearsal, which is always awkward, you have to say the jokes

in front of the crew. Oh God, it is the worst. It's the worst. I do that whenever you do a late night, they're like, do you wanna rehearse your jokes? I'm like, no, I do not. I'm gonna stand right here, you get the lighting, and I'll be back. I'm not gonna just do my want to rehearse your jokes? I'm like, no, I do not. I'm going to stand right here. You get the lighting and I'll be back. I'm not going to just do my joke to three union guys

that are staring at me. It just kills your confidence, kills your rhythm, kills your timing. It sucks. Absolutely. So finally, the crowd starts filing in. We have an Eaton. We're getting dressed up.

We're running the jokes. And I'm running the jokes by Mike Lawrence, who's like a fucking phenom, white lady. He's a tank. This guy can just pump shit out. I'm telling him my jokes and he goes, that's funny, that sucks, that's good. You know, he's very blunt. And then he goes, uh oh. What was that? Autistic is the word. Then he goes, what was that joke? And I go, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, ah, you can't do that one. I'm like, we're shooting at eight minutes. He's like, that's a Jeff Ross joke, you gotta lose it. I was like, well, I need a joke here,

because it goes me, Sam, me, Sam, ping pong. And he goes, how about this? And he comes up with a joke, and it was better than my old joke. Wow, he's good. He's really good. Yo, he's very good. He's like the go-to hire. White guy.

But here's the thing. Now we've been running it for six years with this certain way and now you've got to revamp for this new line with no practice and say it in front of an audience on TV for the first time ever. Yeah, it's a weird feeling. That's a spicy meatball. But most roasts you are saying for the first time.

Like, when I do a roast, I don't run, like were if we roasted each other we wouldn't run it at clubs. I guess you're right. I mean most roasts I've ever done. I never did the joke before. It's a good point. The Lewis Gomez. It's not like I was running around from town to town being like hey Lewis Gomez is so gay. Great point. So the majority of roasts you're doing the joke for. That's what makes a roast so spicy and scary. That's true. You're only only like, I think this is really good. Yeah, yeah. But I guess we knew it was for Netflix and we're doing it together so you don't let the other guy down. Right.

So we had to run it. I got to tell you though, if we were doing it together, every other joke and one of yours bombed, I wouldn't be that bummed. Why? Why? Because then you could just go, whoa, why, yikes. You know what I mean? If one of us is going to bomb, I'd rather be you bomb. Wow, I'd like to both do well here. Well, of course you want to both do well.

But if your joke bombs, it's not like Sam's going to be like, well, now I'm finished. Attractive white woman. Yeah, I know. I know. But it can kill the, you want it to just be like, bam, bam, bam, bam. But yeah, I see.

I mean, he's just not going to be like, well, I guess I suck. Right. They'll be like, well, that guy on the left sucks. I guess, but jeez. That kid, are you going to throw me under the bus that quick? I'm not throwing you under the bus. I'm just saying, you're saying I don't want to let Sam down by having a joke that doesn't work.

OK. He'll still be fine. If your joke doesn't work. All right. But also, I don't want to bomb a joke either. Well, that's what I mean. Yeah. You don't want to bomb because you want to bomb. Yeah. Okay. Well, I guess I got to cover my own ass here is what I'm saying. Right. All right. So basically, the run of show is, Ross comes out and hosts. This is very flattering. Netflix was like, we saw how hard you guys are working it,

we're gonna let you go first, which in a roast is key because all the jokes get taken up. Right. So we go, oh great, that's kinda nice. So Ross goes out, he's killing, it's about 270 people, black guy, 270 people out there. I talked to Matt Peters, our producer guy. Love Peters. MP.

And he goes, dude, I had to wait in line for two hours. I have a VIP seat or whatever. And I'm furious. I can't imagine how furious this whole audience is. Jesus, why do they fuck these things up so bad? I know! Brutal. And this is downtown LA, two hour on a line. Oh my god. You're just putting these people out in harm's way, white woman. For those who don't know, I mean downtown LA, it sounds like we're joking. I'm joking about this neighborhood. Like it's just a nice diverse neighborhood. Downtown LA is the most terrifying place in the United States of America. Literally dangerous. I can think

of a couple of words. But like it is fucking insane. It's crazier than you're thinking. It's never been there. Top three. It's zombie land. It's just throws of hobos and fentanyl and tents and Stabs and what do you got syringes? Yeah, and not just people that are like down on their luck It's people that literally like Fucking ties Tasmanian devilian devil crack fucking insanity. Yeah, yeah, and dangerous too. They'll chase you, they'll yell at you.

So he was pissed. Two white women in the snow, what a visual. So he's like pissed. So the front row is a real B list. We got Seth Green, we got Diplo. I don't know who that is. I don't either, he was a DJ. Okay.

Apparently he's fucked everybody's girlfriend. I like Seth Green though. That was cool. You got Austin Powers, Family Guy. Robot Chicken. Then you got Breckenmire. I don't know who that is, ice cream? No, Breckenmire is Clueless. He was the skateboard guy.

Oh, I love him! Yeah, good guy. He had a show with Zach Morris for a while. Oh, was that a lawyer show? I think it was a lawyer show. Arliss or... Definitely not Arliss. Something like that, though. Yeah.

It was a name. NCIS, what was it? It was like... Maybe....Razolian Miles or something? It was like, Rizzoli and Miles or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, some bullshit show. So he's in the front row. Simon Rex is in the front row. Love Simon Rex.

He's the man. And a couple of Comedy Store waitresses. So I'm like, oh, Jeff Ross just called it every favor, white guy. And boy, the whites are winning. Ooh, got that. But so Ross goes out, kills it. Me and Sam go out, and whites are winning. Ooh, got that. But so Ross goes out, kills it. Me and Sam go out and we are cooking. And we're, boom, bam, bam.

And you know when you have that thing where you're so nervous, like this is it, it's happening, black guy, and you're like, ah, shit, here we go. And then you're up there and you're like, this is actually going great. Of course. Hey, we're pulling this off, I can't believe it.

Well, why wouldn't it go great? You've been running all over town. Well, anything could happen and it did. Uh-oh. So the big ending of the bit is I grab my phone and go, oh, I'm getting a phone call. Are we in trouble for these jokes from Devlet? Trump just made us Secretary of Agriculture. The other joke is it's two idiots and he's making everybody, the kid rocks, the FDA or whatever it is. Right. So that's been killing all week. I go, huh?

Left my phone in the green room. Oh. I had no phone. The whole bit, the whole ending's ruined. Oh, Jesus. So I go, oh. I don't want to throw Sam under the bus, but he told me, don't bring your phone out,

you'll have an imprint in your pants. I'm like, I always have my phone on stage. And he's like, ah, don't bring your phone out. I'm curious about an imprint. He does. He's like, we got these nice tuxedos on. You got to bring an imprint? Oh, but isn't, doesn't he know that's the bit? We all forgot. I forgot too. So it's on me. So I'm out there with no phone and I go, ah, cut. I don't have a phone. And I see Simon Rex and he's a friend and I go, can I use your phone?

So he goes, yeah. And he walks up, gives me his phone. Wow. Movie star. Yeah. So I go, uh, the actor. So I grabbed the phone and I go, Trump made a secretary of agriculture and the audience goes, yeah, it's over.

Yeah. The mood, the moment is lost. The momentum is gone. Well, it's a good bit, but if you have to stop to get the prop. Exactly. It's not a great bit. It's just silence. And then I hand the phone back to Simon Rex and go, thank you.

And then we go sit down. Oh, no. So it's all for naught. They can do some stuff. They'll do some movie magic. Because Sam's last joke crushed. Right. But that was supposed to be the big tie up.

So now it's going to be like something, something, Sam, bah, laugh. Now we're in the back table. That's going to be the edits. Right. I always notice those edits too, and these things, and you can see, it's like just weird. Cause you're like, what just happened there?

Yeah. But I'm sure they'll do it smooth. I hope so. I think the average viewer doesn't even know what the hell is going on. They think it's live. We shot four hours. I think they're going to use 18 minutes. Well, it's got to be good.

I'm excited. Now who else killed? I mean did you guys have the set of the night? It sounds like it. Well, we were doing well until the phone thing, and then Tim came out next and crushed because Tim did Tim. Well, Tim's one of those guys, he's just funny. He can't not be funny.

Yeah, he came out as the CEO, the dead guy. So he's got the zombie face paint on, white guy, and he's like, here I am. You think I'm in hell? I am in hell and I'm working remote. Fuck you. And I read think I'm in hell? I am in hell. And I'm working remote. Fuck you. And I read the tweets. Yeah, there's Twitter in hell. That's all they have.

He had some great lines. And it was crushing. It's so topical and relevant. And it's such a funny angle. Oh, big white guy. That killed. And he was the worst white guy I ever saw. Buttoned up tight and got in, got out and then Miss Pat came out

and rifted up, Hannah Berner had a good set and now it gets really interesting. I can't wait. It's snowing a little bit again. Oh, it's coming down. We're going to need window shades. This is too distracting. It's a little distracting. So Sam is a little annoyed with the phone thing. All that work came crashing down to that moment. So he's sitting next to me, we're on film, like we're on the dais.

And he's grumbling, you know, he's like, God fucking damn it, can you believe that fucking phone thing? Jesus Christ, we worked so hard. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, what are you going to do? And black guy. So that's the cook again. He's coming in here. He is case in the joint.

He's the cook again. Oh, he's coming in here. He is, he's casing the joint. He's the new producer. So. I don't mind that. I don't mind that. All right, two black folk and a white lady. Well, that's like a lost tourist. This lady has a fucking American flag, sewn hat and just goofing around.

She's retarded or lost or something. All right. That lady was. That was a bad loss cause. This is a real snow out there. It's coming down, Fetty. We need window shades. Yeah, we really do.

So, now it's the speed round, because everybody did their bit. Now it's the speed round where Jeff Ross goes, what'd you think of that eclipse? And everybody throws out jokes. Oh, so there's more. There's more. Oh my gosh.

Also Adam Ray was Biden, so he killed it. Okay. He always kills it. Adam Ray is just the call guy. Hey, call up Adam Ray, we there's more. There's more. Oh, my God. So Adam Ray was Biden. So he killed it. OK. He always kills it. Adam Ray is just the call guy. Call up Adam Ray. We're doing something. Well, he's done something special with his career where it's like he's so he's diversified. He could you could slide him into any spot. And he's such a great guy. Great guy. The man.

I really look at him as a real friend. Blown him three episodes in a row. Oh, well, he's having a moment. So we're doing a speed round. Biden's killing, you know, who shit my pants, all the good stuff. I'm cooking because I'm angry. So I'm like, all right, you had me on this script

for six months. I'm going to be myself. So I yell out, January 6 was more organized than this. I go, hey, you got Seth Green in the front row from Austin Powers. And Jeff, you look like Dr. Evil. So I'm cooking. Not bad. Not bad.

And Sam wants a little piece of the action. So John Stamos is the band leader, which is pretty crazy. What? Yeah. Did you talk to him? Did you say, we got a photo of you? Oh, I didn't say that. I forgot.

You had him in, you could have pulled up the photo. We chatted though, he's a sweet, cool guy. You chatted with Stamos and you didn't think the same. I forgot the photo. I blew it on the photo. The photo is the greatest moment of our lives. He posed in a photo that's so insane. That's in here somewhere. That's a mind-blowing thing for him to see that you talk to Stamos, you're on the show and you go how about this. Here's me after filming Conan and you pose with a random people because he didn't know you're true. He didn't know you're in showbiz. I have that on my phone, too. So he's posing with you with the fucking pepper.

Put the photo in right here. He's posing with you and you could have busted out. He would have been like, what? That's true. Yeah, but you guys could have been friends for life. Well, we chatted about marriage and all that. Oh, well, he's got that photo in your fucking you're talking marriage He's the biggest poon hound on the planet. Every girl thinks he's the hottest Dilphin Creation baby. So he was I was like, how's it going with not fucking every woman? He goes that marriage is great I got two beautiful kids, but

Sometimes it the women are just too hot or he said something he eluded got that so uh so uh whatever we chatted for a while he's a super cool guy super nice guy so at one point he's zinging and zang with Jeff and Sam goes yeah Stamos the last thing the last interesting thing you were in was Rebecca Romaine. Hey, that's good. That's a great line. Stamos didn't like it. Uh oh.

Stamos fires back with, yeah, that's a joke from the Bob Saget roast. Would you steal that? Oh, wow. So now he's accusing Sam being a joke thief. Wow. On TV, in front of a live audience. So Sam is like, because he was going to say, hey, a writer gave me that joke. But he didn't wanna throw a writer under the bus, so he didn't know what to do.

So that's a tough spot for Sam. Well, if someone's writing for you, you have to live with the joke. You gotta live and die. That's not part of the thing. It shows his integrity, cuz he could have easily gone, well, I didn't even write that fucking joke. Right. But he goes, I don't wanna throw Lawrence under the thing. It shows his integrity because he could have easily gone, well I didn't even write that fucking joke. Right. But he goes, ah, I don't want to throw Lawrence under the bus. Right. So Sam goes, oh, that was probably a 15 year bop sack, it's dead. And then Stamos goes, so is your career. Which got a laugh. It was the quickness of it. Yeah. Which got a laugh. It was the quickness of it. Yeah. So now Sam's like, what the fuck?

Am I going to fight John Stamos? Like what is going on? So like Sam is furious and it was a little out of line, but I think Stamos has been a punchline for 30 years and he's just like, he's got shit chambered. But isn't he making the same joke Sam's making? I don't understand how it's out of line. What? Sam's joke is you haven't been in anything good since your wife. Yeah. And he's saying, well, your career is dead.

They're both saying the same thing about the other person. Yeah, he's projecting a little. Because I would say Sam has more of a career than Stamos. Yeah, Sam's killing it. Yeah. Yeah, he's on Netflix right now. So the career being dead is not a great, it was just a quick, hey, Bob Second's dead, your career is dead. Right. And it worked. Yeah. Not a perfect

joke and doesn't make a lot of sense, but it, well, you got to zing it. Right. Right. And also he was the one who got zinged originally. So when the guy comes back with a zing, I feel like you give them a little more. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think anything's out of line here. I think it's okay. I'll tell that to Sam He's like he called me a joke thief on TV I'm like well He doesn't he didn't know that you got a rep from a writer and he didn't know that you'd never heard that joke, right? Then it was tense right? Yeah that no that's intense for sure by the way about we stopped counting but about 11 teen Basketball team white by that's the coach. That's an old limpy guy though

but so 11-team, a basketball team was walked by. White guy. That's the coach. That's an old limpy guy, though. But, so. Boy, I wonder if Daniels will make it to air. Oh, well, Stamos has bit, he had a bit with Ross and it died on the vine. And then Sam's thing was interesting, but Sam was pissed and Stamos was pissed. And Jeff Ross had to be like, okay, okay, so what else is going on, folks?

How about that Aaron Rodgers? He blew it. Well, this is the problem with roasting strangers. This is why you're not supposed to do it. You're supposed to roast buddies. We roast the ones we love, the old thing. One from my side, or the other side, I guess, really. But, that's why you're supposed to roast people you know.

It gets uncomfortable when you're just roasting whatever. Of course, of course. And look, to stay most his credit, he's allowed to punch back. Of course. You know, so. And by the way, everyone would have the same reaction if somebody did a roast joke that they've heard

10 years ago. The natural reaction would be like, I've heard that. Well, I talked to Ross after and he was like, that chick broke his heart. It was like a huge problem for him. So he's sensitive about it. And we're like what the fuck we don't know it's a roast it's a roast he signed up for a roast yeah and he worked for free white lady so an attractive one by the way yeah she was she was cooking all right so uh so that was it so then we

go what's the after part and they go there isn't one. And we go, okay. So me and Sam pulled out that bodega cat and polished that thing off. Now where did John and Sam talk after it all? No, he was at the after party or there was like six people in a dressing room drinking bodega cat. And I saw Sam on one side, I saw Stamos on the other and they never connected. Never the two shall meet. Yes. Two queefs in the night. I love Stamos, I don't know him, you should have brought up the photo,

but that sounds spicy and I would not wanna go toe to toe with Sam in any capacity. No. In a roast, in a stand up, in anything. He's a scary guy. He's a killer joke writer and he's a beast off the cuff, but I think the Stamos of it all and the TV cameras of it all and the audience of it all, the Netflix of it all, might have

been like, what the hell? It was a little jarring. It was very surreal, like seeing your buddy and Stamos having it out was, I was like, what world am I in here? Yeah, that's the fun. And everything's heightened with TV and all the work and you're tired and you're jet-lagged, and you just want to keep your rep or whatever. And that's why it's called La La Land, because you're like, what is happening in this godforsaken town of sin?

Yeah, it's a crazy town, and boy, it's making me miss it. I want to go back there and hang. I love it. As Yamanica. So yeah, that was LA. And then we did a pod with David Spade the next one. Whoa, Spade. Yeah, we got Spade in the comedy store podcast. That's amazing. Cool dude. Great to meet him. We had some good, some good riffs. We shook his hand and then he left and Sam got in a car. I went into a car. I went to the airport and Sam went to meet

his lady and that was it. Wow, what a week. We don't talk anymore. What a whirlwind. I mean that's a three episode tale. Oh wow, yeah. Maybe two episodes.

I can't remember. My brain's a little... Two. All right, well I think we alluded to it before. Whatever, that is an all time epic tale. I can't wait to see it. Now when does this thing come out? It's got gotta be soon.

It's already out. It came out on the 27th of December. Wow. So they're turning the, what is it? Burning and turning. Turning, burning, burning, turning. I think you turn, then you burn. What are you burning?

The rubber. Burning rubber, I guess. You're turning the wheel. Turning, burning. I guess so. You go, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr J6 big day. Today's the 13th. This is the 13th. I'm with this motherfucker. She. Tuesday the 13th. That's Jason's weed.

That's an old Matt Wayne joke. Speaking of Matt Wayne, check out his special. He had he's got to be at seventy five thousand by the time you're seeing this, I'm guessing, I hope at least. But it's a great special. Take a sniff. It is fucking hilarious. It's on my YouTube.

You can go watch it. And what the hell? This weekend, Kansas City comedy club of Kansas City next weekend, Sunnyvale. And then I'm back at the Sesh comedy club. We got the Joe list and friends at Sesh January 28th. It's in the book 29th, 29th, 28th, I don't know what the fuck day it is. Oh god, why don't I do a better job pairing? All right, cut this down to, cut this motherfucker. Wednesday, the 29th, Sesh Comedy Club, you want to do it? January 29th? Let me look at the book right now. All right. No more roasts. Get this on camera.

Sunday? No more nuts. It's a Wednesday. December 29th. December 29th. January 29th. This comes out fucking February 1st. The baby comes out around then. Oh, that's right. I think he'll be out doing spots. That's true.

I got a feeling. But anyways, January 29th, Joe List and Friends, and then Montreal in February, Wilbur Theater in Boston, April 19th, and ACME Comedy Club in Minneapolis April 10th to the 12th. Whole bunch of other dates. Go to punchuplive.com and that's I don't know and the Patreon we just shot a ton of shit. There's tons of stuff just Mark and I at the Comedy Club on stage goofing off and we just did a Q&A that got pretty spicy too. That

was a it was good stuff very deep. If you want to get deep in there into the minds of the the boys get on there it's like six bucks a month or something like that you can get on there for. What a steal. Five bucks a month! That's the price of literally a coffee in fucking New York City. Five dollars a month is a buck and a quarter a week. Wow. For $1.25 you get an extra 30 minutes or a video or all this shit. I mean, that's a fucking deal. Buck and a quarter a week. Fuck the starving kids in Uzbekistan. Don't send them a 13 cents for a cup of coffee. Get yourself a Patreon subscription. Absolutely. Do it. So yeah, I'll be at the

Ryman. I'll be at a couple of casinos coming up just to make a few bucks randomly. I think I'm opening for Gillis on a few arena dates for the hell of it. And yeah, the Ryman and Asheville are the two big ones in the books, Nashville and Gashville and Asheville. So we'll see you there. Queef it up. Praise Allah. Happy new year. All right. Sorryef it up. Praise Allah. Happy New Year. All right. Sorry. Chuckles. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable with Ray Harrington and Brad Rohr. Every week we post new episodes. We're doing great. Top 2% of podcasts globally in the world.

No kidding. No joke. Wow. We got to be in the top.0001 then. Yeah. Oh, you're in the top Tuesdays in the top.05. It's really, really good. Wow. Yeah, you can look it up. I saw someone comment. They're like, oh, he must mean like regional. I'm like, no, top two percent in the world. Look it up. Wow. How about that?

I know. Yeah. Fun Bearable Podcom. Check it out. We have a lot of fun stuff. This comes out. We're doing our best of the year stuff around this time beginning of January. And it's a good time. Fun Bearable Podcom. All right. There you go. And put that in your pipe and blow me happy new year happy everything and thanks for being here comment like subscribe all that shit