Tuesdays with Stories! - #595 Ku Klux Klam

Episode Date: March 11, 2025

Markus heads out to Minneapolis to do an arena with Shane Gillis to do comedy IN THE ROUND like the Shakespearean comic that he is! Andrew Schulz is in town doing his special and all the boys are partying! Joe’s going down to Key West with Louis CK, and gets paired up with a chatty nightmare on the way to Florida! Then - a stomach bug attacks! It’s Tuesdays!! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and sign up for you $1 per month trial period. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays - Support the show and get 50% off your 1 st Factor box, plus free shipping. Use code FACTORPODCAST at https://www.factormeals.com/FACTORPODCAST

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody!

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me and I can't choose what I want to say. Here we are, live, WQRB in Cincinnati.

What's that, a TV show? Yeah, I just threw something together. I'm watching this Ted Turner doc. Oh really? He is a larger than life figure, the mouth from the south. Is that what they call him? Yeah. That's Jimmy Hart.

What? Jimmy Hart, the mouth of the south. Who's Jimmy Hart? He's a wrestling guy. He had the megaphone, he managed the Hart Foundation, and the Nasty Boys, and some other homos. I know Owen Hart, and Kevin Hart. Owen Hart, and Kevin Hart,os. I know Owen Hart and Kevin Hart. Owen Hart and Kevin Hart, they're brothers.

Bret Hart's a comedian. Jimmy Hart is a wrestling manager. Wait a minute. And he called him the mouth of the south. Wow. Yeah. I was thinking about naming my album that. The mouth of the south.

Yeah, well I'm from the south and I have a mouth. Eww. All right, it's been done. It's been done. You got Jimmy Hart, you got Ted Turner evidently. Apparently, yeah. And he's not even from the South, he's from Cincinnati. But he moved to Atlanta when he was four.

Hotlanta, as the colored folks say. You got that right. Can you say colored folk? I mean, this point has been made up before Chuck's shaking his head no, but here's what I don't understand. I'm with you, fatty. You say people of color, colored people.

It's just a... What's going on on there a past tense The whole box should be black in the plane. Wait a minute. Also blue band group. I would say they're colored Oh, they're people of color. Ah They're colored people so when I just sit there and paint them. Do you ever see blue man group? I think once in the 80s and never again. It's a hell of a show Is it's done and they they're dead now. They all died. Good.

You can't tell if they're suffocating. That's the problem. Folks, we're back. You know who's in that world was Stomp? Stomp is similar. Yes, yes. Stomp, I think, was before Blue Man Group, I believe. Stomp is the basketballs and the trash cans and the dildos.

They're just slapping dildos off each other's head. Right. A lot of garbage. They were RU Garbage before I was even into RU Garbage. Check out the new RU Garbage special, by the way. I drew two of it. It's a hoot. Oh!

Route 66. My friends and I did our own version of stomp, and it's one of the hardest I ever laughed. Not as a show, but just in my living room, at a hang, dead sober, like junior year in high school, we were teenage boys. And whatever, I had a couple of, you know, bottle caps, whatever, I started doing a thing, like keeping a beat, and then my buddy started closing the fridge, and then this kid, Chris Gay,

who was torture, because his last name. My father's gay. But he was great, that was his middle name, Chris My Father's Gay. He was a great guy and hilarious, a very talented musician, just a good buddy, and he stayed at my house. My parents, let me just side note real quick.

This is the nightmare of having children. Yes, I've been there. My, I had like, in high school, Chris, this kid, Chris Gay, his parents were moving to Cape Cod, but we lived in Whitman, and he had a whole year of high school, and he's like, I can't commute from Cape Cod. And I said, I'll tell you what, you stay with us.

Wow. And he's like, are you sure? And I was like, of course. My sister moved out. You stay with me. Yeah, but your dad could actually go, I don't want that gay in my house. Literally, there's the thing.

Because I'm a piece of shit, and I don't like confrontation or serious conversations. I just never told my parents. Wow. And so he shows up, locked stocking barrel with two duffel bags, a backpack, a fucking chicken on his head, and his eyes taped back, and goes,

oh, I'm here to stay. And I go, that's a classic bit. And my parents go, what's going on now? Yeah. I swear to God, I should have really write them an apology. How old were you? I think to God, I should have really write them an apology. How old were you? I think senior year in high school, or junior year.

No, not senior, definitely wasn't senior. Must have been sophomore year in high school. That's pretty late, and he slept in your room? Possibly freshman. Or the couch. No, I think my sister had moved out, so he slept in the den or whatever. We made that, as soon as my sister moved out

and five minutes later, that was a fucking living room. Right, right, that's how it goes. I believe I'm remembering that correctly. And yeah, literally he showed up with his suitcase and bags and all his shit and my parents are like, what is going on? And I was like, oh, I think I forgot to tell ya, he lives with us now.

What a nightmare, not only you're wiping boogers on the wall, you're jizzing on all the socks and now you got a gay in your bedroom. A literal gay, and they were furious. His parents were like, thank you so much. We couldn't thank you enough. This is great. Yeah.

And my parents were like, okay. I fucked him. If my son came home with Chuck and was like, hey, he lives here now. Oh my God. They disown you. Disown both of them. No way. How long did he stay? A full calendar year?

No, I think it was a few months. That's excessive. But then I remember he was gonna make, night one, he was gonna make pasta, so he was boiling pasta, and he was dumping a Poland spring bottle into the pot, and I was like, what are you crazy, you piece of shit? You gotta use tap water?

And he's like, well, there's water in the fridge. I'm like, you put tap, my mother's gonna shit fucking tits on my asshole. Polans are liquid gold. Those are like 89 cents each. Exactly. And I'm like, you're boiling the water anyways. You can put fucking shit water in there. I'm with you. That's a peeve. I don't like these people who boil water. They gotta use the brita to put in the coffee thing. And you're like, no, no, just put tap in there. It's coffee, it's gonna heat up.

I'm all tap all the time. Tap that ass. Absolutely, but anyway, so Chris Gay, we were doing the stomp, and then we were all closing the fridge and the thing. And then he took the, you know the little faucet thing that pulls out like a hose? Yeah, I love the hose.

He took that out and he just started spraying it across the floor. Rose before hose. So he just started spraying it across the floor. Rose before hose. So he's going, it would hit the water. That was his contribution. I couldn't stop laughing because he was just making a wild mess and it was completely inappropriate, but it was so funny that you were like, that's great. Oh, this gay is squirting all over the house.

I'm sure your parents loved that. Yeah, he was a good boy, a good kid. I hope he's alive. He was really sweet. We tried to play music together, but I couldn't focus on anything. Well, gays are talented. I do think if you have the last name like that,

it's like a boy named Sue, you're going to make something of your life. Yeah, and I remember one time he had sneakers that had a little pink in them. And then we called them girl shoes for like three years. And I feel bad. I was a terrible person what girl shoes the 90s girl shoes is fun and funny, but Harded well he's in fifth grade. Everyone just knows him as girl shoes. Plus. He's got the last name It was tough sledding, but we do that in college. We had a friend We just I called him cock breath and it just stuck and so he'd be like cock breath is here and he was he was into it

He wasn't into it, but it just it became completely normalized There was never I think the first three times he was like, alright guys, but then eventually was like hey cock breath Can you call uh? Dominoes cock breath is great. I like that and by the way, did you Sarah Talamash? My wonderful wife has a new bit about how dentists can tell if you've blown somebody. Do you know about this? What?

Oh no, I got to stop going. Yes. Because the bruising, Chuck's shaking his head, yes, this guy, he knows. He got busted. Yeah, because there's like bruising on the roof of the palate or the palate, whatever you call it. How hard are you skull fucking? I don't know, but I guess, and then she did the bit in Key West and then someone told us a tale that they found out

Their son was gay because their dentist and they were examining their son and they're like our son's a big homo It's come all in his throat. Oh Jesus sons gay could live with you Holy shit, that's crazy. Well, I guess my wife wouldn't pass that test Yeah, no, I might my wife can go to the dentist every day if she wants. They're not going to see anything. There's no bruise on that roof. Chuck, you blew someone? The number one worst thing for your teeth is cum and vaginal secretions.

Number one worst. Get the hell out of here. That's good for you. Vomit is worse. Vomit's worse. That's why alcoholics lose their teeth. It's not the alcohol corroding. It's the vomiting.

It's acidic. It's acidic. I'll look up Vomit versus cum. Acidic Jew. Vomit versus cum, great film. That's a Marvel movie, I believe. Oh, yeah. Someone make a poster, vomit vs. cum, directed by J.J. Abrams. Alien vs. sexual predator. No, vomit is worse than cum. Cum is salty.

Yeah, cum is nutrition. It's like, uh, fruit juice. Cum is good. Maybe, maybe. I drink come every day. I wouldn't drink puke. It's a protein shake. Absolutely. Positively protein. What do we got there? All right. You take your time. Look, you'd usually do. Well, it's full of protein and nutrients and jizz. Also it's great for the skin. It can really Botox you up. You ever had jizz on your skin? It's like super glue. I have jizz all over my skin all the time. Super goo. It's good stuff. Goomy in the morning. But you know what else loses their teeth is anorexics and by a bulimics because they're yakking all day long. So they got no uterine

lining. Interesting. Well today, Sarah and I, we sit in the business mall area. Oh yeah, the hot pants. Everybody's hot. And there was a woman walked by with an ass so big and tight with like business-y slacks that I couldn't even not react. You're with you, why? I wish I was with you, but I do this. I was like, boom, boom, boom.

And she's like, what is it? I'm like, look at this fucking tank on this lady. Oh, yeah. And Sarah's like, wow, that's a banger. And then a woman walks by with like clearly an eating disorder. Just she looked like Kurt Cobain in his final days, like an Auschwitz. Yes, if you will. And she was fine. I was like, isn't that crazy? That's the same species. Right.

But then Sarah pointed out because she's a woman, she knows things. She goes, well, that lady has an eating disorder and you could tell by her hair is all stringy and empty. So if you don't eat, your hair goes to shit. And the fat ass lady had big, full, voluptuous hair. Interesting. So food is good for hair. But it's also interesting how there's a give it a take. There's a fine line meaning you you got the fat healthy lady who's full of nutrients and fat and pumping through her you get too fat now your heart's clogged cholesterol is up blood pressure is up but then you get you lose weight and that's good but then you lose too much weight and you lose your hair and your bone density you got

to split the middle split the difference yes but the atom the middle path is the buddha say but also i do want to make a quick note. I don't want you to picture fat. This lady was like, hot, with like a fucking, doosh. Ah, badonkadon. Yeah, it was nice, and it was smooth out with the slacks. Oh, love that. It's funny, because now I live in Battery Park.

I spend all this time in a business park. I know fashion now. I don't do it. Interesting, no. But I know what's in. Yes. Well, you know, it is a bummer. And this comes around every winter stoles this, every Olympics, every bicentennial baggy pants on a woman comes back. The whole country shuts down. Everybody's angry, cranky, murder rate goes up, crime is up. My dick is down. Stop with the baggy pants.

I know. It's horrible. You know what I saw the other day in Key West? Jeans, this hot young lady who's too young to be hot but is on her way there. I'm not talking 11, I'm talking 22, which doesn't do it for me anymore. Well, I could be suede. I need, well, there's some 22-year-olds that are hot, of course. Thank you. I could bind her right here I need, well, there's some 22-year-olds that are hot, of course. Thank you. I could still, I got a binder right here.

Yeah, Mike Binder. She had jeans with a cutout here, like a rectangle cutout, so she was showing the bone. Oh! The hip bone. I love a hip bone. Yeah, it was nice. Lately, this is how long I've been married.

I'm just at the point where I'm like, look at this, how hot is she? Why do I care? Yeah, well, you don't want her catching the oglin'. No, I'm saying I point at it. I point at her. I know, but. I go, look at this. How hot is she? Why do I care? Yeah, well, you don't want her catching the oglin. No, I'm saying I point at it. I point at her. I go, look at this. You don't want her to see that.

No, you're her. I'm going, hey, look at this. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're going up to the lady herself and going, hey, you crazy dyke, I see your bone. No, no, oh, you don't want the at lady to hear. I thought you meant the wife. No, no, no, the wife's all in.

She wants to swing. The wife is in, I see. You don't want the kook, the lady with the wife. No, the wife's all in. The wife is in. I see you don't want the cook. The lady. Yeah. Cause she'll, she'll call up, uh, you know, H and R Huff. Yeah. What's his name? The cruft McCrime dog. Oh, McGruff. Yes. Take a bite out of crime. All right. Checks got a analysis here. I got bad Intel. Come is fine. Come is fine. You'd be seeing homos with no teeth all the time. And women in your mouth for that long. It's vomit. Vomit just rockets by but it makes the teeth fall out. Yeah. But maybe you're vomiting a lot and then you don't brush either. Cause if you're a drug, most people I think that blows somebody they're

brushing their teeth within the next four days. I would think yeah. Yeah, hopefully Yeah, I said as I swallow that load. I'm flossing you gotta get those chunks out But no, no you're talking to the lady your wife here. You're going. Hey, look at the bone structure on fatty over there Is she annoyed? Is she is she going with you like? Oh man man, she's a 10? Or is she like, hey, Dick, let's cool it? No, no cool it. I mean, maybe deep inside it hurts or feelings or whatever, but we don't really share feelings in our relationship. That's true. Good for you.

But no, if I'm not going, oh my God, I wouldn't mind eating that ass. Good Lord. Oh, yeah, with a spoon. But you go, wow, look at this fucking, that's crazy. And you let you point out men too. Sometimes there's hot guy, and we joke. There's some people that are so hot that it's like they're funny. Right, yes, that's true. It's like jarring, you go, what the fuck is that?

That's like an alien. Right, and some asses, you gotta see this. Right, right. If I saw a guy too, if she saw a guy with big crazy muscles, she'd be like, yeah, I wanna see that. I'm like, this is god damn, look at that fucking business over there so I think she's okay now let me let me write what it's the odds of her doing a three-way

call I would say between zero and one percent oh she's not into the gash huh oh with a woman absolutely zero oh man I was hey, what do you say me and, you know, old, Michael B. Jordan? Yeah, a fella come over and double up on you. I think she might be able to pursue, oh God, this button is in my ass. It's a little loose in here. Yeah, these buttons are no good. Buttons? Yeah, this one's a little loose. One of these. Oh yeah. It doesn't feel so loose now. Well, your ass has been jiggling it. Yeah, well, I jiggle a lot. So I think all women could be convinced to take two men at a time.

Oh, 100%. I'm glad you agree. But I think she is appalled by homosexuality of any variety. I think a woman eating out a woman is just not, she thinks that is the grossest thing in the world. We got the same coos upstairs, I'll tell you that, because if I put a gun to her head and a snatch in her eye, she would go, pull that trigger baby,

because I don't want to even be near it, I don't want to smell it, see it, taste it, feel it. No, I think she thinks it's gross, and I've tried while we're making love, I'm like, yeah, a woman's gonna fucking sit on your face and she's like timeout. Yeah, don't ever say anything like that I'm like this. All right, my dick goes down. We caught we sleep in different rooms for a couple days It's like beef curtains for you Yeah, it's like a show from the 50s. You're in separate beds. You're smoking and not talking. Yeah, you can't you can't do it

I think she thinks pussy's disgusting. Because they own pussy. She knows how clammy and fucking, I mean, she takes her underwear off every day and it looks like someone spilled white out in there. So she knows that the clam is bad. They know, they're like magicians. They know the tricks, they know what's behind the curtain, and it ain't pretty.

It's the Ku Klux Klam, it's revolting. The grand jizzard. Hey, that was talking. This is a good show, I think. Hell of a program, but yeah, same here. And on a flip side, we really want to dive deep into this homosexual endeavor. Sure. She, the lady, my lady, will never be near a box or a hatchet wound or a honey pot, but if I ever went near a

dick, she would call my dad and rat me out in a second. She would go, you touched a dick, we're done. But that's the same thing. Well, I'm just saying, A, she hates vagina. Right. But if I touched a dick, she'd be like, we're done. I don't want to be with some feiglist. I think so too. Well, Sarah has said that in the past, that if she found out about my gay sexual experiences, she'd be like, that's a deal breaker.

I'm out. She's like, I can't have it. My wife was born in 1978. Well, my wife was born in 2019, but she's still with you, with Sarah. Yeah, she can't, She's not interested in life. I was like, oh, well, once when I was 23, I blew a couple guys for a Coke. Zip it.

She'd be like, all right, give me half your shit, and I'll take my baby elsewhere. Zip it up and zip it out. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, bye-bye. Yeah, it's so true. It's the same. We live in New York City. Pride parade, LGBTQ1 love love free to be you and me

Let the freak flag fly, but you touch one sack of balls Divorce well, I'm the same way. I mean, you know, I'm for homeless. I mean well not She can eat pussy she was saying to but if You know, I'm for everyone fucking and sucking, but if there's two men blowing each other in my living room, I'd be like, hey fellas, you gotta beat it. Yeah, that's a no buy zone.

So, you know, I get it. All right, all right, just had to run that by you there. Bye. All right, should we get into some things? I mean, what are we talking, where you been? I haven't seen or talked to you since the Fat Black. Yeah, sorry, oh yeah, Fat Black. Fat Black, I forgot to pay Derek Drescher,

email me, texted me today. Ooh, don't you hate when you do that? He's like, did I not get paid because I bombed? And I was like, ooh. That was a tough group, they came around. They came around, baby. I was pulling out jokes from 1981 and finally cracked them, and then when you

by the time you got up there you were cooking oh yeah they I had no problems but yeah you guys ate shit but we had a good time we rode the car in there oh yeah boy was that fun that car ride was a good time you got to put all those videos in of all the shit we were talking about and we had a good time who was in the car with us? Rupert. Rupert! Oh, you remember? I forgot we were on a lean. Yeah, one flat tire by the time we got out.

Yeah, he took a real pounding in that. Yes, he did. So did the axle. My God, his wife must be destroyed. They just had another rug rat, or they're pregnant or whatever. I don't know, they have the same body. Which one's pregnant?

Yeah. Just kidding, R, they have the same body. Which one's pregnant? Yeah. Just kidding, Rupert, we love you. Hey, big Rupert. We prefer you, we love you, you're the best producer we ever had. Shelby sucks, Chuck sucks, Rupert, you're numero uno and? Yes, double scooper.

Yeah, you're numero XXXL, baby. We love you, Rupert. Sweet kid. Chuck was like, you're numero XXXL, baby. We love you, Rupee. Sweet kid. Chuck was like, you got to go easy, shut up, quiet down. No. But Rupert likes it, I think. He likes a good thrashing. He's lost a few pounds, too.

Is that right? I think he found them right away. I think so. I think they're in his ankles. But sweet boy, we had a great time at Fat Black. I think they were there to see you. They wanted this guy. I don't know about that.

I think they were there to see Bob Kelly. And then when I got up there, they were like, whew, thank God. Right. Just kidding. No, they were there to see me and see us. And I think they just came. It's always that room is the worst to go up cold.

It's like anal. It takes a while to get cooking. Of all time. That is, I have everyone I've ever brought in there to open. It's just zilch. This guy, there's a six foot nine man on crutches walking by. Wow, with dreadlocks.

I mean, that guy, he looks like he's seven two. Thank God for the crutches or I'd be nervous. But we filmed all the whole car ride. We were yelling out the window, goofing on everybody. And that's going on the Patreon. Our Patreon is insane. How many videos are on there? Didn't you look it up?

Yeah, at this point there's probably 402 episodes. What? That's insane. It's like the Disney vault. Yeah, I don't know exactly how many are video, but I'd say like 75%. There's over 400 bonus episodes exclusive to the Patreon. one episode for every pound

Rupert's carrying around on those knees folks Yeah, 400 episodes that were lately they've been insane you and me on stage at the dojo Oh, yeah, hour and a half film. Yeah Jerry and we're breaking down the Chris Rock. We're breaking down Seinfeld. We're doing cute The Q&A knows have been fucking off the charts by the way, we've been getting serious getting real totally lunch The questions are great and did the car ride you put us in a car something magic happens I don't know what it is We just get cutting up and shucking and driving and there's a freedom with the the air and the city

Not to take it out. We got fucking Ray Charles behind the wheel. So you can see all the, we're going up a one way, we're off ramping on an on ramp. Like Paul Walker over here, this guy's driving. You should fly for Delta with those turns. We do the old episodes every week. And I told you that sometimes they coincide with stuff that's happening now.

Guess which OG episodes coming out soon. Stamos, the whole story. Oh! I was thinking, again, it's coinciding with this. Wow. The great magnet. Yeah. No kidding.

It's Kismet. Stamos, that was Marks Conan. I was in LA. I flew in that day and went straight to the airport. I was unshowered. I remember being a little self-conscious because I was a little saucy. Oh yeah.

And Donnelly was there, your old manager. That's right, right, the lady. Jake, yeah. Jake. Nama Stamos. And May, and then we saw John Stamos with the pepper shaker, classic. And Gary Marshall.

And Gary Marshall, RIP. That's right, that's right. People are really dying. Somebody else died recently. Well, he was old as fucking farts. I guess so. He was older than baseball, that guy. It was just me on stage with the fat black.

Yeah, that was not pretty. Well, speaking of stages, I have stage four cancer. No, I... God. I could, isn't that weird? I think about that all the time. Doesn't it feel like your life is just cruising along and you can be a guy that dies of cancer at 48?

It happens all the time. Yeah, you're just plowing straight for the abyss. You know what's crazy is the ladies from a town where the cancer rate is like 81%. Something about that town. Sandwich? Yeah. No kidding. Maybe it's bad meat in the sandwich.

Bad meat? Uh-huh. Bad meat, bad cod. Who knows? Hi folks, it's me, Joe the sandwich. Bad meat? Aha! Bad meat, bad cod. Who knows? Hi, folks. It's me, Joe List, along with my pal, Marcus Normande. And we got a big, hot sponsor. Maybe you've heard of them.

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Because he's my butler. Let's get back to the show. Yeah. But yeah, something's going on. There's something in the water, the air, the feet, who knows? Boy. Yeah, well they say, funny, I saw a comic,

an old, older guy, he's like a business guy. That's like his bit. Do you know this guy? He's like a businessman comic. No, I don't like it already. He did a set of Gotham, but he had a joke that was pretty good. He said, you know, your doctor,

my doctor said, if you want to know how you're going to die, look to your parents and grandparents. And he's like, wow, it looks like I'm going to die in a fire in Poland or something. That's fun. In Poland, whatever the hell it was. That's fine. That's the hottest one I ever saw in this neighborhood.

Jesus Christ. Wow, this neighborhood's turning around, folks. Lord, I hope so. I was turning around when I got off the subway. Ran back in. Okay, so stage four cancer. Hopefully not, but it happens. Now this is a dark thought. We always say, hey, you could cure cancer. Oh, you're bored of that kid. He might have cured cancer. If we did cure cancer, we might have too many people

on earth. Cancer's cleaning the house. Well, that's the thing with one of these AI things, because if you knock out car accidents, oh, yeah. the population's going to go up. I mean, that's many thousands of people not dying. Sure. And same with, yeah, cancer. You cure cancer. That's many people living.

Cure heart disease. We could all be living till 130. Thank God. Sorry, go ahead. They got for homos. They can't reproduce. So you have a bunch of kids, and you go, hey got for homos. They can't reproduce. So you have a bunch of kids and you go, Hey, hey, gay. Why don't you raise this little pipsqueak?

Well, and some people believe that the whole homeostasis of the world is it corrects. That's why there's so many more gays ecosystem, right? The gay is going way up. I think it's like 80% of the youth is like identifies as pan, jizz, sexual, anal, trans. Right. Well, 33% of this room is a big fruitcake. That's true. That's true. Yeah. All right. If Rupert was here, it'd be 110%. But yeah. He's a big boy. So I am off the road for a while with the spawn, the little one. And so I said, let me just dip a toe in because you can't go full bore.

You gotta go, that's what I call my wife, but you gotta go, let me baby step. No pun intended. So fat Gillis goes, hey, I'm doing these arenas. You ever wanna open? Let me know. And I go, maybe I'll do this one. Yeah, get back on the road.

One night, in out, zip zap zoom, decent check, nice purse, as they say. I'd like to know what he's paying after the show. I'll tell you later. All right. Nothing to sneeze at. And Minneapolis, easy flight, bing bang boom. Plus, my parents were here for 10 days, so

I high tailed it. You left your wife home with the parents. Well, I wouldn't go that far. My parents and I left on the same day. Okay. But I'm like, oh, I'm going to get away. Finally, my parents have been up my ass for 10 days, and they go, you want to share an Uber?

And I go, God. I'm eating over here. I know, cause don't you just feel like, right when you grab that suitcase, you're in. You're on your own and you're living, baby. Of course. I love the road, I love the suitcase, I love the flight, I love the Uber, I want the whole thing.

Everything about it I love. Yes, the hotel, the whatever, the lounge. So now they go, hey, we'll share an Uber. And you go, all right. Now my parents can't just get an Uber. It's an ordeal because they're parents and they're old. So they go, I go, they go, what time's your flight? I go, my flight's at one. And they go, our flight's at five. So we'll share an Uber. I'm like, okay, you guys are going to be sitting in the airport for nine hours. Like we like it that way. They're like

you. I'm like that. But may must love it too. She's like, please share a fucking Uber. Probably. But she's also like, now I'm stuck with the baby alone. Right. She went from three people helping her to zero. Right. But whatever. She's also relieved to get away. So we share an Uber and I go, all right, the Uber is going to be here in 19 minutes. And my parents go, well, we better go outside. And I'm like, it's 19 minutes. He's just going to park outside. We'll walk outside. They go, ah, we better go outside. And I'm like, it's 19 minutes. He's going to park outside. We'll walk outside. They go, ah, what if we miss him? And I go, there's an app.

It says when he shows up. So it was hilarious. My dad's in a full trench coat, scarf, hat, sunglasses, those crazy ones with the thick side. Oh, wow, like Ray Charles. Yes, yes. And my mom's old. She's wearing a dashiki, and a clan hood,

because they're so scared of the cold. It's like 40 degrees outside. And they're just like, brrr. Meanwhile, it's 55 today. They missed out on everything. But now we're standing outside my house on the sidewalk, shivering. And I see the wife in the window.

She's like, what are you doing? What are you doing? I'm like, they don't want to come in. I was like, we can go right back up. But then you've got to realize I've got to stoop here. And for my dad to go up and down, it's a whole thing. So finally the guy shows up. And we get the Uber.

We get there. And then it's a whole ordeal. My mom's like, we have to make two stops. He's going to terminal B. And we're going to terminal C. And it's an Asian guy going, what? I don't know. Ah, do it, do it, do it with the phone. So I was like, all right,

so I'm trying to put it in the phone and she's like, what are you doing? And that's a fight. Finally, I just go to terminal. I go to their terminal, I get the air train. I like that. Yeah. Let me get out of here.

Goodbye. I know, but it does suck taking the air train at the airport when you had an Uber. Yes, it does. But you do what you got to do. You know, you want them to get home safe and all that, blah, blah, blah. And they have the later flight. They should take the air train. It'd be nice, but they're old and decrepit and gay. Yeah. So nice flight to mini app and get there. Check the itinerary. Whoa,

fancy hotel. Get to the hotel. I'm checking in. I hear behind me. Oh, take a wild guess who's behind me. I'm at the desk, the desk of the Minneapolis Hotel. And they say, oh, nice hotel. Swanky joint. Now, I know Chuck was in town, but you wouldn't be excited to see him. And he wouldn't be at this hotel. No. well, he could be filming some bullshit or something. Oh yeah, it's Steve dead.

I'm going to say it was. Take a big real cast. I want to say Bill Burr. Oh, weirdly close. Mark Maron. Andrew Santino. Oh, right here. You got the other Ginger. OK. Ginger snap. Oh weirdly close mark Marin Andrew Santino Yeah, Santino is in town with his wife doing the hulu special

The hulu special he's doing a special for hulu. I had no idea congratulations Santino. He's hilarious That's the name of their network. Oh, I know. I know. I'm mocking them. That's not that's better than Netflix is a joke. I never got that. I never got the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. It's not a joke. It's a very prestigious platform. Yeah.

Why would like Netflix is a joke? It should be Netflix loves jokes. Yeah, it has no it's insane. I don't get it either. It's like being like ESPN is a sport. You're like, what? Oh yeah. It's retarded. It's also kind of negative. Like we're a fucking joke. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It's strange. I don't know who picked that, but fire that guy. Yeah. Or gal. That's working out well for them. Probably a gal. Yeah. Pilots. So

we get there. I say hi to San T, what are you doing in town? Boopity boop. And he goes, hey, we're meeting down here later for a couple of drinks. And I said, I'll be there. Show up downstairs. Santito, his wife, Gillis are sitting there. Kevin Hart walks up. Come on. It's like a sitcom. The mouth of the south? Wow. He's from Philly.

But yeah, Kevin Hart shows up. He's like, man, what you got to do in a tent? We couldn't see him. He was under the table. And we go, hey, big Kevin. He goes, I'm doing this show. I'm doing that show. And Shane's like, hey, if you want to pop in on my arena,

we'd love to have you. And he goes, man, how you doing that shit? Fuck you. And then he leaves. So we're like, this is crazy. What a comedy weekend in MiniApp. This happens all the time. All the time.

All the time, because you just had this in Phoenix as well. Oh, you're right. I've had this happen 45 times. I mean, Santino was in Tempe when I was in Tempe last year, and so was, you know uh... the guy i fucking love his name i can't think of right now no no no i don't care for him why am i michael richard you remember he ended up featured for me we kind of co

headlined his italian you know from l.a. the store sebastian vanescalco no fucking, he's like my favorite comic. Oh, Brett Ernst. Brett Ernst. I can't believe I got that. I was spacing, God, that's embarrassing. Yes, yes. He's a buddy and one of my favorite comics.

But anyways, yeah, me and Santino and Brett were all there at the same time. And then you had the Sal and the other guy. Yeah. So it happens sometimes. It happens a lot. And then you start to think, what's going on with these agents? Don't they look around and go, Hey, maybe it's a bad time. We got another, another guy. Like you figures Kevin Hart's going to

get a pretty mixed crowd. Gailis is going to get all the honkeys. Who's going to Santino? The gingers and Asians? Right. I guess Asians love ginger. But there's got to be some people that prefer. Oh, so I was in Utah when Shane was there and I've been tempe with star bros Is there this happens a lot? Well you got to figure there's only 25 big markets right big ish markets, and then there's Markets yeah true. I guess you're right. Yeah, but also now. Here's a crazy. Hail Mary and feel free to fist my asshole You know they say it's good for business to open an ice cream store around all the other ice cream stores Now here's a crazy Hail Mary and feel free to fist my asshole. You know they say it's good for business to open an ice cream store around all the other

ice cream stores. Maybe it's good for business to have a bunch of comics in town. Yeah, I suppose it could be. I mean it makes a thing. Nick Swartzen was at the Key West Theater while Louie was at the club. How funny is that? Whoa, that feels like it should be flipped. Well, Louie did five shows and Nick did one.

So secondly it was more tickets and I think Louis wanted to support the small club. Hey, any blowback? No, no, not in Key West. Key West is just a good time. Show sold out in three minutes. But we're getting away from the story here. Sorry, sorry.

So we're back, we land in Minneapolis. Yes, with the Kevin Hart's, the Santines, and the Gills. That is a star-studded, did anyone walk by and go, what, what, what, oh! We kind of tucked away. OK. You got to love a good tuck, like a trans person, Tucker Carlson.

And then we go to the show. We got Reggie Conquest, James McCann, myself, and Gillis. That's a good group. No Santino, no Kevin Hart, huh? Well, we're at the show now. Okay. They did their thing. So we get to the show, conquest.

Look him up, folks. Funny guy, great guy, started in Philly, big fat black, cool dude, he's trembling, never done an arena. So he's gonna lose the hymen on this one. So he's freaking out, we're giving him all this advice. Like what you wanna do is go really slow, add a lot of setup, take out your punch lines. So we're trying to fuck with him. Sure. And we're playing a X-Box backstage as food and you got to give it to the gil cause he's, he's like Elvis. Now we drove to the show. He was put in the

front of the SUV cause he's giant and he had no tint on the window. No tint. No tint. Wow. Rintin tint. And he was pulled up to red lights in the SUV and everybody's going that's it. It was like the Beatles. They would run up to the car. All these fucking toothless yokels going, Hey, gilded. Wow. What do they call big dog or whatever they call them? I have no idea. Yeah, I don't know. But they're all freaking out. They're all kissing him on the cheek. And he's so, he's like one of the guys. He's like, eh, bring it in.

He's doing photos in the middle of the road, you know, on a red light. A man of the people. Yes, yes. And so we do the show, broke the records, packed out 20,000 people. 15, I'm doing 15 to 20. It's just a, James McCann goes up, rips it.

He's Australian, he's funny looking, he killed it. Reggie Conquest goes up and he's nervous and it's a long walk to the stage. I got Chuck in, Chuck came to the show. And that stage, it was like backstage to the stage was like, I don't know, four minute, five minute walk. I mean, you really had to hustle. You need the little rings like wrestling had.

Oh yeah. You just have a mini ring on wheels. Yeah, well, Reggie Conquest needed one of those airport shuttles, you know, cause he was way behind and they go, Reggie Conquest and he's like, oh shit. And you go, hey, come on, this isn't a crosswalk, black guy, you gotta hustle.

So he was way late to the stage. Then he opens by going, so I'm from Philly, boo, 20,000 people booing him. Oh boy. And this is the guy who was shaking like a leaf backstage. Oh, Jesus. And now he's getting booed. The worst thing that could happen

is happening to him in his mind. But maybe it's good. It puts you in the moment, takes you out of your head a little bit. Now it's, whoa, I got to think on my feet. I said the same thing. I was like, that kind of shakes you up. Sometimes you get heckled immediately and you're kind of nervous and then it just snaps

you into gear. Well, when I was dealing with horrible panic attacks every night, I would do a little bit of crowd work because it puts you in the moment. Right. If you're just doing your act, you're kind of in your third eye, they call it, whatever, your asshole. You're like, oh, that was weird. This is great.

But if you start going like, oh man, today I went to the movies. You ever go to the movies? You start talking, it takes you out of it, so it puts you a little bit more in the moment. So maybe it's good. I think so. I completely agree. He had a good line. He goes, Philly, you guys are booing Philly.

Shane's from Philly, you idiots, or whatever, and that kind of thing. A couple of you will boo that, which was funny. And then he went off into his act, and it was great. And then he brought me up, but we had a hot time. And you gotta rotate. The rotating throws me a little. Oh, it's in the round. It's in the round, which Shane likes for some reason,

but he's very round. But you gotta, every now and then you go, oh, I'm neglecting that area. So then you go, oh, what do you guys think. So then you go, oh what do you guys think? And then you go, oh what about them? So then you turn, I think you just gotta keep it subtle but also keep being aware that you gotta face everybody at some point.

It's a weird feeling, I opened for Dane when I was 22. Wow, that's crazy. 21 years ago now. Wow. In the round and I felt like I would I would start telling a joke and then there you do a punchline and you're here last behind it would remind you you're like oh yes yes and then I would do the joke this way and then these who would laugh I go oh sorry and that's he kind of I kind of switched with punchlines Wow that's crazy and then you think like so many thoughts are going through your

head when you're backstage with Shane because you're like I've opened for Louie and arena Schumer whoever and you're like, I'm open for Louie in Arena, Schumer, whoever. And you're like, and now I'm open to a guy who started after me, who's younger than me, but he's also a killer, so he earned it. He's murdering, and so you're just like, I had a weird, I've been drinking. You had one of those weird emotional things like, you did it, man, this is crazy. You're like one of the big, you're talking to Kevin Hart. He might come by to do your show. Like, do you realize how crazy this is? You're at the target center. This

is like your 17th arena this month. That's insane. It's insane. And he's way better than Kevin Hart. Way better. And he's doing SNL in five days or whatever. I mean, the whole thing is cuckoo bananas for a second time in like a year. He's like SNL in five days or whatever. I mean, the whole thing is cuckoo bananas. For a second time in like a year. Ah, a second time. He's like an annual host. It's incredible. So he did it. You're hosting next year, I hope.

I'll win $1,000. I got $1,000 that says I am not, so I think I'm gonna win that puppy. That's a cool grand. It was 100, but. I don't know, I'll check the tape. I think we checked. All right. I'll just check my head. Check your 100, but. I don't know, I'll check the tape. I think we checked. All right.

I'll just check my head. Check your head, great album. So then you gotta think, so Gilles has a new hour and it's killer and he's just pretty much working it out in the round in front of 20,000 people. That is unbelievable. Yeah, cause was he doing club spots really? He'll do the mothership here and there,

but he's got the tires, he's got the ladies, he's got a you know high cholesterol so he's uh he's busy. Wow and that finds time to play video games that's something so fascinated by. A lot of video games yeah. I feel like if I was doing an arena or a thing before the show I'd be like looking at notes and freaking out but he's so cool and calm and collected but I guess he's used to it now. Our arena is just the funny bone to us. It's his gig, yeah. He had a good point. We were kind of looking at the crowd like this, and he goes, see that area?

That's the Miami Improv. Like that section is like a full improv. That's crazy. And that's the funny bone. That's the Comedy on State. That's Denver Comedy Works. Yeah, it's like 30 shows of the improv stuffed into one building.

Is it 30? It feels like it'd be more than that. Well, 30. Let's say it's 400 people. The improv is a 400 times 30. We need an Asian here. 400 times. That's only 12,000, I think.

Like 50 times it, right? I don't know. It's 400 times 100. I think I did decent math there for a second. 4,000. It's 40,000. 40,000. 30 is, yeah, 12,000. I said it right decent math there for a second. 4,000. It's 40,000. 40,000. 40 times 30 is- So this was 20,000. Yeah, 12,000. I said it right.

So 50 times- Oh. So 50 times- Yeah. Nice. 400. Wait, let me see. 50 times- 50 times 400. Equals 20,000. Hey! 50 bodes. Wow, how about that? 50 Improvs.

50 sold out Improvs. That's insane. In one shot. It's funny to think about the equivalent, yeah, if you're like, I'm doing 50 shows at the improv. Wow. It would take you a month. Of course. So yeah, that was crazy.

Then he rips it. And you're like, how do you have a new hour? It's insane. But yeah, the crowd went ape shit. And they had a great time. And I got to watch people watch him, which is always fun. Right. You know, like first he walks on.

They're like, and then he's killing and they're going like and you're like man they really like this guy Wow it's cool that's crazy to think about if you sell out five shows at the improv that's a nice check that's a great check he's selling 50 yeah I mean he's making, That's a rain check. Bucu dollars. I mean, he's making like fucking Elon Musk money, this fucking guy. Who also plays a lot of video games. Is that right?

Elon Musk is like a psycho with video games. Oh wow. It's all a hoax, don't you? Did you hear about it? No. He's like supposed to be like the best Diablo player or something and it all came out that like, someone's playing for him and it's all fake.

What? Yeah, it's like a huge thing in the news that he's lying about this thing. How could he have time? He's got the boring company and the doge. Yeah, a bunch of people did the math, and they're like, the number three player has to do it like 30 hours a week. Yeah.

How could he possibly be the number two player or something? Well, if you're not raising your 17 children, you've got a lot of free time. It's something like that. Not exactly. Wow, that's fun. I love a lot of free time. It's something like that. Okay. Wow, that's fun. I love a good conspiracy lie thing. So then, yeah, JFK. So then we leave there and we got options. So Kevin Hart never showed up. So Shane goes, let me text him. He's having a big party at the hotel. He rented out some ballroom with all his black people.

We go over there, we show up to his thing. It's great. Kevin Hart's very friendly and welcoming and nice, and there's all these hot people there. And then we go, that's getting late. Santino did his special. He's having an after party. Oh, I forgot. He rented out an Irish pub.

Wow. So we go, let's leave this and you know, let's leave Africa and go to Ireland. Okay. And we have a great time there and it's a very different vibe. And we chug some beers, do some shots and then we're like, shit, it's 3.45 in the morning, back to the hotel, off to New York the next day. That's a nice feeling. Nice in and out, because you can get a lot done in a night, obviously. You know, I'm doing Milwaukee this week, just the same thing, kind of out and back for Dr. Phil. And it's kind of nice, because you're like,

I'm going to do yoga, I'm going to steam, I'm going to stretch, I'm going to jerk off, I'm going to cheat on my wife, I'm going to do the show, I'm going to watch a movie, I'm going to play. And you get that time, you're like, woo! It just feels nice to get, even if it's 20 hours, you're like, all right. And you feel like you're part of,

not only are you getting all that time in and you're getting your life back, but you're feeling you're part of the scene. You're gonna do Dr. Phil is one of the premier tickets out there comedically. By the way, I still don't know what I'm doing on the show. I texted his promoter. No one does, I think he just riffed with him.

But you don't do stand-up? No, no, unless you're opening. Because I was looking and it's a million views. Why am I, I don't know why I'm doing this. It's a million views. You're like, I'm burning material. If I do material. No, no, no material.

You zing and zang. Oh, okay. You're going to be a shoe-in. It's like a podcast. It's a pod. Yeah, like Knoxville's on it. You know what I mean? It's not like all comics's like a podcast. It's a pod. Yeah, like Knoxville's on it. You know what I mean? It's not like all comics, either.

Okay. Dr. Phil did it once. Yeah. I've never really watched the program. It's fun. He has a game plan. You're gonna go in, he's gonna go, all right, here's what we're gonna do with you.

With me, they have Jeremiah come out as AI Mark Norbin. He always works with me. Right, I see. They just did that with Sam, too. They had Jeremiah Watkins come out as Mark, and he just kind of riffed. Oh, okay. Well, that's fun. It's quite an eclectic bag of Wackos. He's got like Johnny Knoxville

coming on. He's got the Adam Devine character. He's got Wayne Brady. He's got Rob Schneider. He's got Dane Cook. I mean, he's got you. It's got me. Wow. Yeah. They just, these guys, they just make TV shows, traveling TV shows. That's it. I mean, how about Schultz? He's got Matt Damon at a diner. You see that? No, I didn't see that. What? I thought it was awesome. It's so cool. He's doing a promo with Matt Damon for his special.

Like, Matt, they're hanging out. Wow. Well, Damon's close buddies with Tom Poppo. That's true. They're like best friends. Oh, yeah. It's pretty ingenious, because it's like, sure. It's like, what, three minutes, three or four minutes.

And it must have cost like nothing. They just shot it in a diner. And it's like Matt Damon kind of just coming at him and roasting him. And he's like,, it's like what, three minutes, three or four minutes, and it must have cost like nothing. They just shot it in a diner and it's like Matt Damon kind of just coming at him and roasting him. And he's like, man, leave me alone. That's how they use it to announce it. It's very funny. Yeah, it's got a million views. Let me ask you this.

What is the difference between genius and ingenious? I think it's like infamous and famous. No, that can't be right. Infamous is famous for something bad. No, I can't be right. Infamous is famous for something bad. No, I think it's bad. Not necessarily. Yeah, infamous. Yeah, it's infamous. That's a negative famous. Really? Yeah, that's

what infamous means. He's a, you know, Dillinger is infamous. He's an infamously piece of shit. He's famous for being bad. But ingenious isn't bad genius, is it? Maybe it's like a supervillain. No.

Infamous, it says, well known for a bad quality or deed. Oh, shit, OK. So there's that. I think it's probably like flammable and inflammable. I think those mean the same things, right? Inflammable? Inflammable? Yeah, it says Ingenious means having or showing creativity, inventiveness, or cleverness.

So it's the same thing as genius. Well, you're showing it. I think it's the verb aspect instead of just being a genius, which is a noun. But people use it as an adjective. He's ingenious. You just use it as an adjective. And they use genius as an adjective, too. That's genius.

That is genius. Yeah, it's true. But maybe that's wrong. That's probably right. That's not genius to do that. That's ingenious to not do that. Ah, then there's in vitro. Okay, so genius is about like intelligence. Ingenious is about ingenuity.

Like figuring things out. Oh, it's a different word. Ingenuity, ingenious. Right. And then genius. So like Ingenuity, ingenious. Right. And then genius. So like, sailboat is ingenious. And the sailor is a genius. Yeah.

Well, not the sailors I know. Yeah, it's true. Fucking idiots, really. I know a lot of sailors and their dum-dums. Mouth like a sailor. But the engineer that built it. The engineer is better than the jeneer. Engine.

Injury. Yeah, so there you go. I got back in time before she hated me and it's a nice little transition. Yeah, that's a great feeling. And then you get to be back on the road and then you're in the road in style too, which is nice. Oh yeah. You know, hotel and all that good stuff. And look, if we're not selling arenas, it is nice to be part of people

and in that world of people who are right. That's better than nothing. Absolutely. So I'll take it. Well, I was not in an arena. I was at the comedy key West. Hey, that's a hoot. 100 and 115 people. Isn't that hilarious? Right. You're doing a show for 20,000. And I'm doing it while I'm opening, too. I was opening for Louie down there, which is also fun. I've been to Key West three times in less than a year. Isn't that crazy?

My son has been to Key West three times. That's insane. He's like a little alcoholic. He's 16 months old. He's a little parrot head. And that is just the best island town city of all time. That's a great thing. You just, right when you land, your heart rate drops. There's something about that island life. You know, you just feel... You sound like them. You just feel like,

you just feel calmer right when you land. You give me a Mai Tai, a lei, and I wanna see a chicken walking around. Oh, absolutely, they got all that stuff. And I got a few travel stories galore. Put that right there. Well, here's the thing. There's no fucking goddamn direct flights to Key West from LaGuardia for whatever reason.

Every once every three days there's one. So I couldn't find, well, we've got to fly to Atlanta. And now the baby has reached the age where he's getting tough to fly with. We just keep doing it anyways, but now he's, he walks, he grabs, he talks, he yells, he kicks, he screams. So it is really scream,

but he wants to walk and climb and punch in the balls. Full of energy. But yeah, so it's getting a little bit trickier early on. He just sleeps a hundred percent of the time. So it's a challenge and you got to have milk and but it's like you're a magician. You got to have a bottle of milk, seven bananas, three apples, a toy car. You're a prop comic. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. You're like, I got a dildo. I'm like, I'm suction cupping it to my head. So we can play to that for 30 seconds. I got blues clues on. I got good

fellas over here. I'm playing Diana Ross on my phone. You're just juggling. Yes, yes. And here's the thing. My son, he loves me the way I've always wanted someone to love me. There you go. Obsessed with me. But the love of a young boy. It's beautiful, but he doesn't want to be with anyone but me. So when we fly, he is on me 100% of the time. There's no like, OK, that was my hour. Here's your hour.

If I had him over, he's like, I want fucking death. Yeah, no mom? Mom? Mom's, what's that, chopped liver? Well he loves her obviously and she can entertain him over there but he wants to sit with me. I'm the rock. Wow, you made it. It's every second. When I go to run an errand, if I want to go take a piss, I got to bring him with me or he freaks out. Yeah, geez, that feels flattering but it's also hard. It's beautiful but you're doing a lot more of the work

when you're with them. Sure. I leave for the road for three days sometimes. So she's taking all of them then. But anyway, so it's every second with them. We fly to Atlanta. That flight's easy, not so bad. But the flight down, we got upgraded.

We fly in first class. So the way down there, you're first class, you're cooking, you're having a nice time, it's great. You can walk around, you got some space, you can crawl. Flight from Atlanta to Key West, we got the double downgrade. We're in main cabin. Oh, double down.

So we went from first class, we skipped over Comfort Plus all the way to main cabin. How do you get double down? Well, because I bought main cabin. Ah, the first flight it landed in LaGuardia. There's a million flights a day. Sure. Are spread everywhere. So I got the status. Right. And here's the thing, if I'm being quite honest, my wife doesn't fly as much. So she's pulling me down. Yes.

Yes. I'm diamond. I get upgraded on every single flight. He's dead weight. My wife is like wood. She has no status Yeah, well what floats? Yeah, that's true. Maybe she's led. She's led. She's got she's around my leg like this Yeah, she's bringing it down to the bottom of the ocean. So I'm trying to get upgraded. I'm good get up there Yes, yes, so I'm in main cabin with the fish ocean. So I'm trying to get upgraded. I'm get up there. Yes, yes. So I'm in main cabin with the fishies. So I have this lady now. We both have aisle.

We're like 26 C and 26 D. Yes, across from me. That a file. She's had more than 26 days, I'll tell you that. So on the roof of her mouth. So I'm back there. We got on the plane. I still have status.

I can get on the plane early. So I'm there. I'm letting them run around the seats. And then nobody's sitting in these two seats. So the flight is like, we're about to take off. I'm like, maybe we have this whole row. This is unbelievable. That's the best. But of course you see these tiny little people

way up there the whole time. They're getting bigger and bigger and bigger. You keep hoping they'll get in the seat. Finally they're this big. It's a guy and the guys like this. They're both out of breath. Whoo Guy gets it. He's like I'm in the window. He gets in the window then the lady an old fucking lady Not that old probably 60 okay, she sits down

coughing oh Come on now coughing everywhere she goes I'm not sick we really I left my carry-on at the lounge I had to run back in the last second the husband's like this I've never seen a husband hate a wife more than anybody and I know you I mean oh yeah he's just staring like this he's staring at her like this so evidently they got on they got to the plane and's like, oh, my carry-on's in the lounge. And they're like, already the last people on the plane. So they had to sprint back.

They're in their late hundreds. They have to come back. They're out of breath. She's coughing like on my son's face. He's sitting there. And now a second ago, he had all three seats. Now he's like this. And so he's smacking her in the face and pulling her hair. And she goes, why don't you guys switch? That's your wife? Why don't we

switch? Because that way he can have two seats and I'm like that's okay we're good and she's like well I'll switch. It starts getting... Oh the fourth switch. And I go no no no no it's okay we're fine because this way I can put them in the aisle she's over there. That's good. And it doesn't matter. He stays with me anyway. Well, why don't you, we can, you sure you don't want to switch? We're happy to switch. I, it just feels like he'll be more comfortable.

And I'm like. She wants out of the middle. Yeah. And I'm like, we're comfortable. I'm very comfortable. You're not pulling that on us, sister. And she hates her husband. I go, well, don't you want to sit with your husband? She's like, yeah.

And I look over and the guy literally is like doing this. Oh. And he's like, honey, it's enough. It's enough. Like that. And she's like, well, I'm trying to help, you know? And he's like, honey, it's enough. It's enough like that. And she's like, well, I'm trying to help, you know? And I'm like, yeah, we don't want to. No switch. No switch.

I don't need no switch. So we sit and then she's just coughing. And she goes, have you been to Key West before? Oh, yeah. It was like your mother. She's like, well, what's fun to do? I literally have a one year old son on me. I'm trying to entertain him.

He's kicking the seat in front. And by the way, he loves to just kick the seat. They all do. I have to say to the woman in front of me, I'm like, I'm going to do my absolute best. I got a one-year-old back here. And she's sweet. Everyone always, if you address it before, people are very nice.

I've never had anyone address. And I do work on it. I grab his foot, and I smack him. And I go, all right. So she goes, no problem. And this lady wants to talk about Key West. Oh yeah. What are you a fucking brochure? Exactly. She goes, I'm going to Key West. I'm taking a tour, an art tour. She pulls out her a piece of paper all stapled together. She's like, have you heard of this art thing? Have you heard of this thing? I never heard of that. I don't know. It was fucking a nightmare.

Yikes. And then the husband's like, honey. And she's like, wow, what? He's been to Key West. And she goes, I'm on a girls' trip. I'm the only one that brought my husband. This poor guy, you could tell he's just as like, why am I on this trip?

I hate you, I hate everything. So then at one point, the baby starts getting worked up. He's tired of sitting there. So we try to give him to sit. I'm like, I hate everything. So then at one point, the baby starts getting worked up. He's tired of sitting there. So we try to give them to sound like, here you go. He sits with her cause she lured him in with like, you know, a blues clue, whatever the fuck it's called bluey, bluey. And then he kind of nudges that seat. And this woman goes like this, stands up and looks like, cause she a little bit. Like for us, I'm talking 20 seconds. He's been sitting there. Wow. Makes slight contact. She stood up and looked like this. And they go, sorry, he's a baby. Oh shit. I gave her the, he's the baby. And

then I go, you know what? Just fucking give them on back. And then, uh, I couldn't stand this lady. Turn turn around look. The stand and turn is wild. Stand and turn. Never seen that move in my life. And then at the end of the flight I went, the lady I went, I'm so sorry. And she's like, I didn't even notice people should be allowed to fly with their kids. Don't even worry about it. I said, thank you. I appreciate you. That is very kind. And then I gave her a look, which was fun. Yeah. Fuck her. Yeah. You fuck her. Yeah I couldn't she was fat and ugly and old and a real cunt of a woman. There you go. That's a good film cunt of a woman. Cunt of a woman. That was a good porn. And it had a scent.

Ooh ahhh. Scent of a woman is a complete bag of shit. Is that right? Oh it's terrible. Wow I haven't watched it in 38 years. At one. He's driving. He's blind He's like driving around taking corner. Oh, yeah, he's got a Ferrari in Manhattan. Yeah won the Oscar Jerry They didn't win Best Picture. Yeah, I think he won. He won the Academy. It was one of those makeup calls No, right. Give you one. So here you go Well, so when you go when you do a disabled guy you're in right that helps Hey, it was Philip Seymour Hoffman's first movie, and he's credited as Phil Hoffman.

Whoa. How about that? Well, it's something. Big Phil. So what happened? You get down to Key West? So anyways, we get down to Key West, and now I'm trying not to open it all anymore.

I'm not doing Louis' tour. Everyone's going to ask me, but I'm like, I don't want to do that. I'm happy to do an arena. It sounds like he pays some pretty good cake. Nice cheddar. Whistling. Well, Louis pays decent cheddar too, but. Is that what I heard?

But so, I go up. Just kidding. So Louis goes, hey, I'm going to QN. I go, I'm coming to that, cause he watched the movie. He came to the film, Tom Dustin, portrait of a comedian coming to a theater near you. He came to see the movie.

He's like, I gotta go do this room. Hell. Yeah, you're spreading the good word That's what this film does to people. It's very moving. They go. I gotta see this fucking movie I gotta see this club. So he's going down there I say if you're going to Key West will be there plus we just want any excuse to go to Key West sure Now we're both doing the show Sarah and. The show is Tom Dustin hosting me and Sarah and Louie. That's a good show. That's a hot bed of whites. And the show sold out in 10 minutes.

Love to hear it. So I need a babysitter. So I got to get someone to come down to Key West. Oh, wow. I got a feeling I know who you picked. So first, we ask Sarah's sister. Ah! But she's got a job and she wanted to fly after work, but there's no late night flights So first, we ask Sarah's sister. But she's got a job and she wanted to fly after work, but there's no late night flights to Key West. They shut down that airport.

They lock it up at 10 o'clock. Well, they want to go drinking. Exactly. So I call Ari Shaffir's wife, boyfriend, whatever, girlfriend, whatever the hell. Yeah, partner. Person. Yes, yes, fuck buddy. So I go, hey, you love Key West, you're a woman, because you can't have a male babysitter,

they'll rape your kid. Ah, good to know. So I go, I mean, would you let- I can't believe who called me. Would you let Chuck to hit your son alone? No, what are you getting? I wouldn't let him near my, uh, my father alone. My refrigerator.

Yeah. Well, fucking don't let Rupert near you. Oh, jeez. Your kitchen. That guy will go through that cabinet like a bear. So I talked to that lady and she goes, oh my God, I'd love to, but I got a friend coming in from Mexico. I would have done it.

My God, shit, fuck me. I can't do it. Ariba. So I say to my wife, I think I got an idea. I got something. Okay. Fee Han. No, starts with an F though.

Fidel Castro. I text my father. What the fuck? I didn't see that coming from a mile away. Now he works from home. I go, hey Pops, I know we've never spoken before What do you say you come down to Key West? You watch the bambino. He'll be sleeping the whole time. You don't have to do anything and

He texts right back I'm in He's in baby. This is great. This is a breakthrough. Well, it's 11 degrees in Massachusetts He wants to travel and you travel and he likes the baby. I think he likes me. I'm not sure. I don't know. Interesting. And he liked Key West.

I go, you come down. You could stay with us. I rented a house that cost fucking more than Shane Gillis pays. It was arm and a leg in February. Oh, of course, of course. We had a little pool, heated pool. Wow.

So he goes, I'm in. I go, great. And I didn't even ask my mother or anything. Usually he goes, I'm in. And I go, great. And I didn't even ask my mother or anything. Usually you got to go through her. She's kind of like Don Corleone up there. Is she pissed you didn't include her? Well, she's got a job.

She has to go to work. He has a job, but he can work from home. Remote. He works remotely. So I go, you can sit there and just email, whatever. He goes, I'm here. Wow. I'm blown.

I didn't know he liked Key West. I didn't know he answered I'm blown. I didn't know he liked Key West. I didn't know he answered your texts and I didn't know he liked kids. Oh yeah, so he comes, he prefers kids over adults. Interesting, so does... Michael Jackson? Well, I was gonna say Jared Fogle. I couldn't get to the name, the subway cunt.

Ah, that's okay. Is he dead? No, he's alive. He's in jail. Yeah, But I think they must rape him or whatever. I hope so. I sent him letters. Metzger had that great joke. Black dick is part of our judicial system. So good. So good. So anyways, my dad comes down. It was beautiful. We picked him up at the airport and he's got the baby, which was great at night and mostly wow. The baby goes to bed at seven on the nose we got him so well sleep

trained at seven o'clock this baby you put him in a crib he goes he's like one of the alcoholics it's unbelievable just goes straight down right at the top my dad's like he's down already I go oh yeah he's trained down so drove now is dead this the training about a baby it's a unifier you're not expecting dad otherwise but now we got the kid You have a reason to connect well as fun I felt like sci-fi come home, and he was like on his hands and knees and I was like are you injured or you playing? I can't tell

Remember George was like what's wrong with your legs there? Oh? Yeah, why down his hands and knees that's a sight great ass of my dad Wow, he got down on his hands and knees. That's a sight. Was he naked? Oh, that was some great ass of my dad. I don't know what he does, but it looks beautiful. All right, nice tank. But anyways, so my dad comes down.

He's watching the baby. We have a heated pool. So every day at 7 AM, I'm swimming with the baby. He goes nuts. Best trip of my life. Trying to show Louie around, but you know, he's always like, eh, it's OK. Yeah, he's a tough nut to crack.

Well, he wants to like something nobody likes. Yeah, he's a contrarian crack. Well, he wants to like something nobody likes. Yeah, he's a contrarian cunt. He's like, we go to Bulgaria and he's like, this is great. This reminds me of the thing. And then we're in Kiwet. It's like Hemingway, Jimmy Buffett, trees flowing, blue skies. Too mainstream for him. It's artists.

It's like this gray, that should be everything he wants. He's like, it's all right. I don't know. Yeah, it's hard to please. But we ended up having a great time. We took them to blue heaven, the best restaurant in the fucking world. Shows shows were all killer and great. Every fucking show ruled. Let me make sure I have. I think I might have a note, but I got it. It gets wacky. Now they're getting his Louis, he's a pretty sober guy. I mean, we've had a couple of whiskies with him on an occasion, but is he getting annoyed

with the drunks down there? I mean, those crowds can get a little rowdy. Well, the first show, he hated it. Oh, shit. He came up and I felt bad because Tom was so jacked up and excited to have Louis. This is the biggest deal in the history of the club. Hell, yeah. They got they got Louis CK, the biggest fish of them all.

That's lunch. And so the first show, you know, Tom is nervous. He wants everything to go right. Yeah. Louis does the show, gets like a standing ovation. I was I was smoking a cigar. He comes back and goes, that was the worst show I've ever done in my life. Oh, come on. He's like, I hated it. And I was've ever done in my life. It was awful. He's like, I hated it. And I was like, my god.

Hyperbole. I think so, but he really hated it. And so the next night he was like, I'm gonna make something special of this. Then he ended up loving it. All right, all right. It was great. Now, we recorded, my god, isn't it an hour already? Jesus H.

Keep going, Fatty. All right, I'm gonna keep going, but my god, isn't an hour already? Oh Jesus, H. Keep going, fatty. All right, I'm gonna keep going, but my God, I had no idea. Well, how about you got left? I mean, I got a lot left. I just got started here. Oh, geez, all right. I'll do a little bit and then we'll tease the rest.

Yeah, okay. Cause the chip home was insane, but we had some stuff. So this happened last time we recorded. I was at the beginning of this little, because I was about to leave, this little stomach bug of mine. I'm gonna let it shine. Sure.

First of all, I didn't know this. This season of New York City in America is like the worst disease illness season in history. Through the roof. Everything's through the roof. Everything's through the roof worst flu in 20 years, norovirus history. Yeah, migrants. Now plus, we got the baby and we go to the fucking indoor park every day, whatever you call playground, the ball pit,

everything everyone's eating and sucking and licking. So the germs are just running wild, rampant. So we had the neurov virus a couple months ago, which was a 12 hours of puke. And I want to hear your opinion on this. We had 12 hours of just puking and shitting wild. The whole family. First, Sarah, then me, but I get it worse than her for whatever reason. Okay. The two times we've had it over 10 years, I had it way worse. But it's 12 hours.

All right, you can do this. And you're puking, so it's bad for your teeth, but it sucks. Now we had a second wave of this stomach bug. This time, Sarah had it first. She keeps hitting me with all these diseases. Women. She had a full day of nausea, never threw up, but felt full and slightly nauseous for the whole day.

That's a bummer. The next day, horrible diarrhea all day. Interesting. Well, good to get it out. Just whatever. Sure. So now I'm like, well, I hope I don't get this, because we're going to QS.

You got that right, Patty. So I start getting a little bit of a stomach bug. We were here that night. I hadn't eaten. Mostly you just feel full. You don't want to eat, but then your shits are worms. Just toxic masculinity. Just shitting orange worms.

It looks like I shit a can of Spaghetti O's every time I shit. Oh, that's appetizing. Kind of fun. They were the alphabet ones too, which was nice. Ooh, you can spell stuff with your shit. So then it just lingered, it went on for like five days. So we got to Key West, she's like, I think I'm better. I'm nauseous for like three hours. Nausea is the worst thing you can feel.

It's a big bummer. So after like five, six days, you're like, I'd rather have the 12 hour blast off. Knock it out. It's worse, but it's 12 hours. This is like six days of like, I feel fine. Oh no, I just feel queasy. And I'm not, I never threw up once.

But then you just faucet shit out of your ass. Okay. Weird. It's like your body's trying to fight it, but it's coming in and out. Yeah, and then you have seven hours of feeling normal. Weird. It's like your body's trying to fight it, but it's coming in and out. Yeah. And then you have seven hours of feeling normal. Interesting. And then pissing. So I'm dealing with it and I'm like, I think it's over now. We're going to Blue

Heaven, the best fucking restaurant on the planet. I got Louie coming over and I go, I got to do a little, pass a little gas and then... Oh baby doll. Just a big old juicy shart while we're waiting. Shart tank. And it was one of these ones where you're walking, you stop to fart, and then you go that felt sharty. Yeah.

Shart attack. That'll ruin your night. It sure will. And I go, I got to tell you, Sarah, I think my asshole's a little wet. Well, luckily you got a baby So you got all the accoutrements you got wipes diapers baby powder dildo I stuck a diaper in between like a maxi pad

With like I got little Elmo down on my asshole. I love it. I took a photo We could put the photo in here if you want read the blur and I don't know I got a little shirt photo coming up Right here here. It is camouflage sheet underwear tickle the elbow So then I go into the bathroom now everything's old pipes there. Ah, yes, it's Key West So I take just a river of shit. Oh Hemingway and then I wipe my ass like I don't know 50 60 times put that down flush. It doesn't go anywhere just Like slightly move so I start plunging.

The bathroom's this big. Yeah. Yeah. I can see the guy that the crack is this wide. So I'm in there plunging and I haven't even gotten a table yet. Oh my God. So now I've clogged the toilet and sharded and I got my pal Louie come and I got my dad here. I got my wife, the baby of the five of us. I'm the only one with shit in my dad here. I got my wife, the baby, five of us, I'm the only one with shit in my pants. Even the baby's like, you gotta get it together. Exactly. So we go, we eat the breakfast, ends up being awesome.

Louie loved it, he loved everything, that was great. We go back to the house, and this is just a fun little punchline. Sarah goes, you got any laundry? I go, oh yeah, I got some laundry. I grab all my shit, I throw it. Brian laundry. And then she's a good wife, she yells down,

what about the underwear you're currently wearing? I completely forgot, because you adjust. Ah, yes. You know what I mean? Once you're out, if you get, whatever you happens, you just adjust to it. You accepted it. After a while, you don't even notice your ass is wet,

so just a sweet wife yells down the stairs, like, don't forget your underwear. And I was like, you know, that's a great point, let me wash the shit-filled underwear I have. Right, right. The baby's going, this guy's a piece of shit. I am a literal piece of shit. So it ended up passing.

Great trip. The travel home was fucking bonkos. I'll have to get into that next week. OK, tease, baby. N-word tease. But I tell everyone this. If you love comedy, make a pilgrimage to Key West. Here, here, great club, great room, great town.

Great town, and Tom is such a killer. He's got some new bits that are just off the charts. So funny. And the shows were amazing. He's going up cold and just murdering. Sarah's got new shit that's killing. I got new shit that's doing okay, and Louie stuff. You got to see, he just announced his big world tour. It's insane.

I saw about 20 minutes of it last week. He is killing. Killing. So good. And I'll tell you, I'm teasing this now too. We got another Sess show, the hottest show at town and that this lineup might be better than the last one. I don't know. Don't go crazy fatty. Don't. Don't blow me off. Alright I'll be there. I got the whole calendar wiped. You better be there this time. It's the 38th right? Oh

yeah. I'll see you there. Yes, October 48th. Anyways, we're long, I'm sorry my bad. They want you to go long, they want it long. Oh, well, I know. But we got a... We got a Patreon to do. Yeah. All right. I don't even know when this comes out. When does this come out? March 10th. March 10th. Oh, this weekend I'm in Tempe, Arizona at the Improv. Please, for the love of Pete, come to that fucking show. Nice.

I don't even know what I have. That's ingenious. But we can after that. Minneapolis, of course. Oh, April 2nd. We just added a show. What's the room in Baltimore that people do? Magoob? No, no, no. Liric? No, it's like the little they reach out. People do it. The port of the port.

The port is that Umar's joint? I don't think so, but he's featuring April 2nd. We added a show. So fill that up. Um, April 10th through the 12th, we have, oh, I have my dates here. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm so bad at show business. Maybe we'll edit this. I suck ass. I'm coming. Hold on. Maybe you could cut a little bit of this out. Sorry. Okay. Bunch of dates coming up. Yeah. Wilbur Theater, April 19th. Comedy at the Carlson Rochester, May 1st through

the 3rd. Hilarities in Cleveland. I'm coming back. It's been a long time since I've been back there. I'm pumped to go there. That is May 15th through the 17th. Absolutely love that. Then I'm going back to the Atlanta punch line, May 29th through June 1st, there for the Red Sox. And then just announced my full July New England tour. I'm going to Burlington, Vermont, the Vermont Comedy Club, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Empire Comedy Club in Portland, Maine,

and then Northampton, Massachusetts, and also Bearsville Theater in Woodstock, New York. So all New England in July plus one New York date. But yeah, that's going to be fun. Burlington, Vermont, Portland, Maine, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Northampton, Massachusetts, come on out and join our Patreon for the love of Christ. Hell yeah. How does Patreon in the biz?

I'm at Soul Joles on March 20th. Come on out to that. I love that room and that'll be fun. Then I'm at the Ryman in Nashville. Please, that's almost sold out. Let's try to get there. It's a beautiful venue. It's a staple in America. Then I'm at the Reno Nevada Atlantis Casino and Resort. Then I'm doing Adam Bray, what do you call it? Dr. Phil in Chicago. And the night before I'm doing a secret show at the Den. So come on out to that. Give that a go. Got onto the date. Napa, California. Granada State Theater in Santa Barbara. That'll be fun. Bristol, Tennessee. Asheville, North Carolina, New Brunswick at the State Theater, Ithaca, Rochester, Portchester, Albany at the Egg. All kinds of fun stuff. Going to Vegas,

too. Come on out, say hello, queef it up. What do you got? C-note. Check E. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable with Ray Harrington and Brad Rohr. We have a lot of fun. We do silly stuff. A lot of we do scripts. We do extra very strange things for a podcast. Fun Bearable Podcom and sign up for the Tuesdays with Stories Patreon. We have a live chat going 24 7. I jump in there. We all joke around. They ask questions and it's fun. I try to get to it every day. But it's very fun.

There's more of a social aspect to it now, I think, with the live chat. It's really cool. I love that. I love socializing. It's great stuff. So check it out. Patreon.com slash Tuesdays. Tuesdays with stories every week.

We're always here. Join the Patreon. Oh yeah. Leave a comment. Send a thing. Another good looking woman, sort of. I'm telling you, this neighborhood's turning around, folks. Actually, she was gross.

Sorry. Yeah. I got a second look. Yeah. Now I'm not hungry anymore. But we'll see you all in hell. Queef it up. Praise Allah. Thank you.

Go ahead and shit your pants. Send us photos of your pants. No one wants to be themselves. Up in the heavens where legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe. Did you know that parents rank financial literacy as the number one most difficult life skill to teach? Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app for families. With Greenlight, you can send money to kids quickly, set up chores, automate allowance,

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