Tuesdays with Stories! - #596 E.T. Phone Homo

Episode Date: March 18, 2025

Joe heads to Milwaukee to do Adam Ray's Dr. Phil Live, while Mark attempts a family outing with the new bambino and has to battle a hobo on the train! Joe has a great homecoming at Grove 34 in Astoria judging a roast battle that reinvigorates the man, and Mark closes the show with a BIIIIIIIG apology! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and try BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping with code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com - Support the show and get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp therapy. Head to https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS - Try VIIA with code TUESDAYS at https://viia.co/TUESDAYS

Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds. At Mint Mobile, we like to do the opposite of what Big Wireless does. They charge you a lot, we charge you a little. So naturally, when they announced they'd be raising their prices due to inflation, we decided to deflate our prices due to not hating you. That's right! We're cutting the price of Mint Unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only.

Taxes and fees extra. Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes in detail. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories.

Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Ha ha ha ha ha. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List.

Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. We're back! Ah! Here we are! It's a beautiful day, it's 52!

52! But you gotta look like, you gotta look at the feels like Yeah, I hate the feels like They get you with the feels like Yes! Because I've had this a few times, you know, we got the Bambino's now So you go, oh my god, it's 49, I see the sun, I put my baby in shorts, I put a diaper on his head like a, you know, a terrorist,

and then I put him in a sports bra, put him in the stroller, we leave, I go, what the fuck, it's not 49, it's freezing, I look at the fine print, feels like 22. Oh! And I feel like chicken tonight. It kind of works with age. Like JLo is 50, but feels like 38.

That's a bit. I'm sure. That's a bit. Someone has that, I'm sure. It's like, oh, my dick's eight inches, but it feels like two. Yeah, but this is different, the age thing. I think it's something. I don't know. I never heard that. But I also watch so little comedy. Sometimes people are like you ever hear this bit? I watch five

people. You've seen comedy. You've got a good wealth of comedy in you. I've seen a lot of comedy in the 80s though this is my thing though and I had this for a while. I'll be like I'll be like this people are like I'll watch a comic and I'm like huh Bobby O'Donoghue did that bit in 2002. And then I'm like, well, nobody cares. That was like a local Boston feature 25 years ago. It's not even worth saying it to the guy. I know, it's like Nosferatu. They're like, ooh, there's a new vampire movie.

I'm like, that's the fourth one, you come guzzlers. Yeah, I don't need a vampire. Don't forget, I know, you suck blood, get out of here. You suck dick. Period blood. I'll go down there. If you stay up top on the upper deck, I feel like you're good. What are we talking about? We switched quick. I went from Nosferatu to the upper deck. Well, I'm talking about eating a gal out on the

old rag. Well, that was a fast segue. I didn't even notice it happening. Oh, sorry. We're moving, baby. It's the times we're living in. I wouldn't eat a girl out on her period, but I do think you can do it because the eating out, a lot of times, is clit stimulate. You're licking the clit. That's all I'm saying, up top. And the pussy hole. Yeah, I see.

I thought you meant up top, I was picturing tits or something. Oh, sorry. But sex. Some people won't, oh, sorry. I got it. I gave you the allotted time I had. Some people won't have sex on the period. Who are those people?

That's, we call them gays. Yeah, my best pal, boop, he's like, oh yeah, we don't do that shit. Yeah. And I'm like, what are you, crazy? Put a towel down. You know, vampires must love period sex. Get off on another bit.

We got another bit. There we go. It's premise central here. Maybe that's why women love them. Every girl I've dated is like, oh, vampires, ah, and you're like, whoa, why do you have a dick? But yeah, they all love vampires. True Blood and the Interview with the Vampire, Twilight. I suppose so, yeah. Zombies are big too. Zombies, vampires, both pretty big. Oh, yeah. I feel like zombies even bigger because there's the TV show there in Atlanta. Uh, walking, walking dead. Yes. Gay. Yes.

Homo's the Chuck story. Walk hard. Yeah. Give your last name for a brief second. I must have Chuck Lydell. Oh, he's a fighter. I did his podcast once. Is that right? Yeah. It was the way it was over zoom. It was a dark time. And he goes, you got any questions for me? I go, you ever get more nervous to fight the black guys? And he goes, what? Why would you ask that? I was like, I don't know. Black guys are good at athletics.

That was the great thing about COVID. You could get any human being on your podcast. That's true. You could interview Steven Spielberg if you wanted to. Yes, so true. Everybody was home. It was crazy. Yes.

You go, hey, you want to do my interview? OK, sure. I don't got nothing to do. Yeah, eat the phone homo. We were all there. We did shows that are. I did a benefit for doctors. I made like two grand on a Zoom.

Whoa. That came out of a place that I thought it wouldn't. I thought it was going to sound over here, but it went over. It was weird. Yeah. It was like a ventrilo-fart. I can throw the sound.

That's fun. It'd be fun if you could throw the smell. Oh, now that's a premise. Now wouldn't that be fun? Now we're writing. If I could fart and have it just blow directly in Chuck's nose. Wouldn't that be fun? Throw a scent.

Yes. I love that. Throw a scent. I did that to a homeless guy when I walked by. By the way, you got your banana peels in the garden? Yeah, I heard they're good for the soil. So I throw every time I eat a banana, I go, I look like the biggest white trash guy.

I come out with my boxers, I scratch my ass, and I throw a banana peel in my front yard. I thought you had a monkey living in your porch, because it's just... I wish. It's just banana peels all over the place. Now what kind of soil, what are you growing? I'm gonna, when the spring hits, I'm going full home and garden out there. I'm going Martha Stewart, hands in the dirt, old Japanese man gardening. That's really really healthy, it's good for you. I don't think

you'll do it but that's sweet that you think you're gonna. I got the peels already. The wheels are in motion. The peels are in motion. But the peels, the key in peels, you just throw out there. You don't have to get on your knees and buy a thing. That's true. You gotta go to the store and say, hey, give me some semen seeds. Give me lilac, give me daffodil, give me euthanasia, whatever you got.

Well, I forget that you're from like a cultured New Orleans family. Your mother probably knows flowers. Your dad probably grows corn on the cob or whatever. Sure, sure, yeah. So maybe, maybe I could see it. Yeah, I grew up composting. You ever compost? I know about compost.

You put eggshells and bananas in your asshole. Yes, so my mom had a big old, big old had a big old little fence around a dirted area. And she would just throw horse shit, coffee grinds, egg peels, fish bone, and that thing was rich. Yeah, I had a period where I was obsessed with the environment and I was going to really be an environmentalist. And that was just kind of one of those phases. But I was obsessed with compost.

But the hard thing is, just a quick side note, when you want to be an environmentalist, when you live in New York City, you realize you're like, I'm already doing more. That's for, I'm already doing it. Oh, you're green. You got no car barely. I have a car, but I only drive it to go to my parent.

Like, I haven't been in my car in three weeks. Public transpo. And then you live on top of each other in the community. I don't have a yard. I don't cut down trees. Good point. I do fly every week commercially. Well, those planes are going to go anyway.

Exactly. There you go. Yeah, I'm not flying private. Right. Taylor Swift, that coos, she flies private from Brooklyn to the World Trade Center. And don't get me started on my, uh, her husband or boyfriend. Ah, the joke thief.

Son of an onion. I saw the clip on Nolan Ryan's podcast. Boy, that Nolan, she can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan. Oh, pansexual. She is really something. She's a good looking lady, funny lady, cool cat. Let's hope Soder dies and so does my wife and some reason Katie like That was a great show you watch the clip I saw the clip funny clip funny lady

Hopefully he reaches out that would be fun if he goes hey you want to let's settle this over a boxing match or something soda Kelsey oh Dan and I are cool. Yeah, Kelsey. You know, I like him. He doesn't know that they I hope I hope he gives me a ticket. He should give me two tickets to a Chiefs game. Now we're talking. Travis, if you're listening, Russia, if you're listening, check those emails. I hope you can get them. Get me. I want two tickets to the Kansas City Chiefs game and my lips are sealed. I'll never bring it up again. I love the Chiefs.

Chief of Staff. I don't root for the Chiefs. No. I like my homes. I like history. I like seeing them run around. I like the colors. Yes, I love it.

Two tickets to Chiefs game. I got a bit that mentions the Chiefs. So get me those tickets there, Travi. Yeah, now we're talking. There'll be a Travis T if not. Officer in chief. Hey, that's a good headline if he dies in like a plane crash. Oh yeah. Travis T.

I like it. I like it. Okay. Kansas City queefs. What were we going to say? We're all over the place. We're all over the map. By the way, from podcasting that, you and I

are expert professional podcasts. I keep getting all these comments. People go, I didn't realize how long you've been doing Tuesdays with stories. This is us now. We're the crafty old veterans. We make it look easy. I mean, we've been around the horse pen.

What is it? We've been around the block. Horses aren't in a pen. Pigs are in a pen. I see. Horses are in a stable.. Pigs are in a pen. I see. Horses are in a stable. Criminals are in a pen. A tenturey.

That's right. Yeah. Some of them are just roaming around the streets in your neighborhood, namely. Yeah, there's one right there. Oh boy. Oh, he just grabbed a banana peel. Penitentiary comes from Pennsylvania. Is that right? Give it a goog, I'm pretty sure. I went to the penitentiary in Philadelphia,

that big penitentiary. They had Capone there for a minute. You can go around. You ever do that tour? Under the Eagle Stadium? No, no. There's a jail down there as well. Oh, I bet. But there's a big penitentiary. Look that up when you're done looking up the thing. Look up the other thing. There's the Pennsylvania State Penitentiary. You can walk around. It's beautiful. It's cool. I went with DePaulo years ago. Yeah, it looks like penitentiary comes from the Latin word penitencia. Ah, fuck me.

No, I don't think so. All right, well, I pulled that out of my ass. Yeah, there must have been penitentiaries before Pennsylvania. Yeah, well there's William Penn. Oh yeah. That's where we get Pennsylvania. You Pen.

You Pen. Been there, that's University of Pennsylvania. Eastern State Penitentiary? Eastern State Penitentiary. There it is. That's a hell of a spot. Creepy. Yeah it's cool. It's creepy. It's fun. We like to look at old prisons. We got Alcatraz, the other one. Yeah. Eastern Penn and Alcatraz. I guess that's it. But they're out there. People love to tour and they go, hey, they hung a guy there. He was a child molester, so they raped him in the ass. They're out there, Jerry, and they're loving every minute of it.

So what'd you think of that SNL with the old Gil? I gotta say, I haven't seen much of it. I suck. I don't watch the, I don't suck. I'm a good person. I'm busy though, a busy body. And here's the thing, I had Saturday night off and I said, oh baby, we got our, my pal Shane Gillis is on Saturday Night Live.

He's hosted, I'm going to watch that. And then I realize, I'm going to bed at 10 o'clock. I wake up at 6 AM. It is fucking late, you know. He hits me up and he goes, hey, you want to come to the after party? I said, put that in my ass and smoke it. And then your reality checks in in because I go when and where He goes at the oyster house, whatever 1 30 a.m. And you go what 30 right? So you show up at 1 30

It's not gonna get cooking till 2 10 now. You're at 2 then you start drinking now It's 5 and then you go home now at 6 right I got a baby waking up and it's that that's the party I couldn't even stand for the show It was 10 15 and I put on my cap and switched to the other side and blew out the light. Put that candle in the lantern. Yeah. So I did watch the couple of beers. Everyone was talking about that. That was great. I thought that was hilarious. The key bump was gold.

Well done. Did you see the pre-tape with Please Don't Destroy when your chain played the singer in the wheelchair? Yeah. Did you see that?-tape with Please Don't Destroy when your chain played the singer in the wheelchair? Yeah. Yeah, I didn't see that. A plus. Really funny. I thought that was A plus.

The sketches were dynamite. I didn't see that. I got to watch the monologue too. Sometimes you get, this is the thing, when you get a moment, you have 50 things you got to do. Yeah. And I try to be very present with the baby. I don't go on my phone with the baby

unless I absolutely have to send a text. I don't want to be the guy that's sitting there, which is Most parents it makes me fucking sick to my stomach. How many people I just see literally just in a playground like this Yeah, just watching television and the baby the kids like right here being like, oh anyways, I gotta stop doing so I try not to well now You're still safe. It's okay He's sleeping. He's sleeping 16 hours a day. Yeah. Or I got him in the Bobby chair where I'm just doing this and he's going, so I'm like, I gotta look at my phone. He's just doing this. Right.

When my baby was your baby's age, I was still watching fucking rape videos or whatever. Taxi driver, whatever it is. Clockwork orange. But now he's present, he's listening, he's watching, so you gotta whatever. But, so anyways, when I get a free moment, the baby goes down or whatever, I'm like, I gotta return this text, I gotta send this email, and then you're like, I gotta watch this movie, this Oscar contender, I gotta fuckin' blow me,

and then, do you ever have this, once time passes, you're kinda like, nah, no one's talking about it anymore. Like the Shane monologue, you gotta watch it Sunday morning and once you miss that window, it's like, nah, it was a week ago. Of course, of course, I know it too well and that's how all my Oscar movies,

you gotta see substance, you gotta see The Brutalist and then you're like, The Brutalist is 44 hours 44 hours and a half substance I don't know, anora and then now it's over and I'm like I'm not gonna go back and watch anora. I feel the exact same way. I'm like I gotta watch the movies before the Oscars happened and then anyone I missed I go all right yeah yeah I saw anora. I did catch the monologue. Conan? Conan was fantastic. He was so good. He's so Conan. There was a couple bumpy moments at the beginning and then he became, I feel like he found his voice up there and then it got great. Yeah, Conan's a, he's an all-timer.

He is. He is great. A national treasure. I was thinking about this too, and other people have made this point. We got to start really talking about the people who are still alive I completely agree I've had this thought I said this but because Mick Jagger came out of the Oscars and I was happy to see he got a standing oh you got standing oh I think who's the guy everybody loves no no the actor Jewish the fly Jurassic Park Goldblum Jeff Goldblum yes I think he started it. He was the first one up and you realize, and maybe people will disagree, but they're wrong. Mick Jagger is the greatest rock star front man of all time and he's still with us. Lenin's dead. Freddie

Mercury's dead. He got McCartney. McCartney's alive. But he wasn't shucking and jiving like Mickey. And also, it's a different thing. I mean, like, Paul is with John and the whoo, and he's alive and people love him. But Mick Jagger is the quintessential front man of a band. Oh, the best.

The best. It goes back to 63, and he's sexy and weird, and he's a woman, and he's ugly, and he's got a big mouth, and he sings weird. Yes, he's British, and I saw him live at Jazz Fest last year still had it still shibbied and queefed and twisted and he's got his little outfit on and he's skinny as a heroin addict and he looked great. Hey Prances and he's with us still so with it he's still fucking. He's like Elon Musk this guy he. He's got 17 kids. No, he's the tops. I met one of them randomly at the stand.

Lucas was at my show. Ah, did he look all jaggery? Slightly jagger. All right. Piece of jagger. That face is very potent. Oh, it's something. I mean, he's the greatest.

And he's still with us, still alive. Little Richard dead, and Sam Cooke dead, and Otis Redding reading dead and all these people but Mick is still out there well you see Al Green was at the State of the Union singers yeah that was a different Al Green didn't Al Green is no one his father shot him yeah Marvin Gaye Marvin Gaye yeah his dad was gay homophobic kill himophobic. He had to kill him. Shot him right in the tits. Mr. Gaye. Isn't that weird? Hello, Mr. Gaye. I was just talking about that last week. Chris Gaye and Mr. Gaye,

whose name was something. Remember I was telling you about Chris Gaye, the girl shoes. He was very funny. Boy, your mind is real mush. Chris Gaye. Don't you remember? I remember a Chris Gaye. I told you all about him. He stayed at my house without my parents' permission. He was boiling the water out of the water bottle. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Chris Gay, girl shoes. I don't care, Chris Gay. You're all about Gay.

I wonder about your brain. I didn't remember his name, but I remember the boiling. I remember the eating. OK, OK, OK. The mom hating him. Yeah. OK. Well, let's talk, because I got some stuff.

Oh, great. I don't have any real stories or anything, but you know, I got some stuff. All right. I got a couple of nuggets, but I want to hear your stuff. Well, I got to talk about this is a continuation. This is like a sequel of you remember way. Wait, wait, didn't I stop before I finished a story last week?

Yes, you did. Oh, I said do the bonus. You're like, no, save it for the thing. What the hell was I talking about? I kind of forgot. I worry about your brain for the thing. What the hell was I talking about? Podcast story remember I was talking about something you don't remember but No, I don't You know what I wrote down. I wrote down the notes. So let me look real quick now How about this by the way my notes I thought I put in podcast story This is September 2nd, 2013 shirtless

guy walks up to Tommy selling shirts. Tom Dustin. I assumed Tommy John again. I don't remember that at all. 2013, 2013, 2013. Wow. I mean that's fucking nuts. Geez. Let me read it. What I wrote so that you can maybe it'll jog your memory Oh, I shard it in Key West Says Marcus heads out to Minneapolis doing arena with Shane Gill's to do comedy in the round like a Shakespearean comic Oh, I know what it is. Okay, good Okay, I know what it is, but also I got other stuff. All right. All right, Betty So I was traveling back from Key West.

And it's another travel story, of course. I have this thing that happens sometimes. Karma, the Karma Sutra, whatever. Yes, Karma Kramer. The classic thing where I'll try to adjust flights. Because I told you, the way down, the baby, it's tough now. Two flights. And just when you get off a flight, you think, OK, we're done.

Then you're going to run to to another flight and he's tough. Boy, there's some real fatso's walking by. Yep. Rupert? Oh boy. Sorry, Rupy, we love you Rup. Rupert would kill to have tits that small. The sidewalk cracked.

So we're traveling back and I go, let me see if I can get us on a better flight because we're flying through Atlanta. We're on the 3 p.m. flight. Also the house, we gotta give up the house at 11 a.m. We rented a house. So you're like, I have all these hours, what are we gonna do?

Plus we have a short layover. We got like a 40 minute layover, which is tricky. Run, run, Rudolph. So there's a 12 p.m. flight that goes to Atlanta. I'd rather have a long layover in Atlanta so we can let the baby run around we'll go to the lounge whatever it is sure so I go I got a switch to the 12 but sometimes this happens in life we you have this I'm sure definitely you go I gotta do this but I don't feel like doing it right now I'll do it a little bit yeah oh yeah I

got a set I want to try to fuck my dad. I wanna blow my mom. Sure. So then when it comes time to do it, the 12 is sold out. Ah, come guzzling Nazi. So then I sit there and go, you're a piece of shit. This is why you can't get ahead.

This is why you don't fly private. This is why your dick's too small because you put everything off. You're a big fucking homo. That's what I was thinking. Beat myself up. And the whole time, I'm obsessed fucking homo. That's what I was thinking. Beat myself up. And the whole time, I'm obsessed now. I go, Sam, I'm sorry, we were supposed to be on the flight,

I don't know what we're gonna do, blah, blah, blah. So we wake up the next day and you accept. You go, all right, we got a 3 p.m. flight, we gotta be out by 11. You're here. We get in the van, I go, let's go to Starbucks. So we drive from Old Town to New Town. Key West, if you're not familiar, Old Town is-

You time traveled. The cool part we go to new town. I get my Starbucks all of a sudden couple raindrops on the windshield. Here we go. Here it comes. The Jews key West just torrential downpour torrential only used with downpour. That's a good point. What does torrential mean? No one has any idea. I'm going to guess it's like a torrent. Think about it. Torrential only used with downpour. That's a good point. What does torrential mean? No one has any idea. I'm gonna guess it's like a torrent. Think about it, torrential. Well what does torrent mean?

That's what Jack Torrents is on. I think torrent means like a ton of stuff. Ready? A ton. It's torrent films, so you steal a movie off the internet. It's interesting, it says torrential and it says of rain, falling rapidly in copious quantities. So it is only rain involving. I don't know.

Is it torrential snow? Or torrential shitting? Torrential cum? Torrential jizz? Piss? Keep talking off. I figured it all could get to the bottom of the air. Title of.

That's a rock band. Torrential cum. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Hello, hello, we are torrential cum. We're going to cover your faces. Lots of it. What's that other one? Profusely is only with sweating and vomiting and bleeding

All right, so it does come from torrent which says a violent or forceful flow of fluid Come could have a torn a come I'm on torrent. There you go. Oh I see the torrent. I don't know We're getting old. Anyways, so it's torrentially rain. I mean, pouring. Now I've seen many a videos of floods and the news and on the channel. This was my first time ever having the rain where you're driving and it's like, Oh yeah. You're doing that one. You can't see. Right. And waste deep in water, whatever you call it, the car waste, the water up to the tires. We can put the video in here plug it in waste I want

that it was just crazy and so then I'm trying to go back to old town to go housing we'll go hang out with Tom Dustin and Kristen it's so flooded I mean it's only been raining for a half hour it's three feet of water so I make the with your I'm a dad alpha male of course. Yes. So I gotta turn around, I go I'm turning this around, we're going back to Newtown, Old Town is too wacky, we'll never get out of here.

Yeah it's flooded there, Jerry. I turn around, we go to IHOP or whatever, Denny's, we sit in the parking lot, I know it's horrible, we sit in the parking lot, I just put the baby on my lap so he can steer for like 45 minutes. Sarah's looking at her phone, and it's one of those ones you go, we're just gonna make do, we're stuck here. If it's deers or queers.

We had a good time, he's honking the horn, pressing the buttons, turning the car off and on, it was great. That's a good time. You make the best, you go into Denny's, now Denny's, they're swamped because everybody, they can't do anything, so everyone goes, well I guess we'll go get breakfast.

Right. So we walk in, it's gonna be a 30 minute wait before you can even get your food so everyone goes, well, I guess we'll go get breakfast. Right. So we walk in, they're like, it's gonna be a 30 minute wait before you can even get your food. No! I go, all right, whatever. Yuck. We sitting there, we eat horse shit Denny's.

Bad food. And I have this realization though, if we were on the noon flight, we would've been sitting at the airport, delayed. Uh-huh. I'm glad we're on the three, so finally we finish all the food, we drive through the flooding, we drive through the

flooding, we go to the airport, the noon flight has been delayed till 2.52. Our flight is 3.02. So it all worked out. And this is the other thing, if you've been to Key West, they're building a new airport now. It's like two little fucking gates. It's tiny. Yeah. And every flight has been delayed. So there's literally a thousand people. I'll put this photo up. Put the photo up. You got to see it. You sent it to me.

I sent it to you. I wrote good luck or whatever. And you said, this is what I'm dealing with. It was like this. And the baby is out of milk. The bus is out of control. You're Batman. Boy, has this show changed in the last 10 years. That's true.

You used to be like, I fucked a homeless woman on top of a fat guy. Yeah. And I was on a private jet with Louis CK. Now I'm like. It's on your Rupert. But yeah. That's the last Rupert joke, god damn it.

And now I'm like, oh my god, the baby's out of milk and it's raining. Yeah. Our problems have changed. So I gotta go get milk. I mean, you had to be there, folks it's raining. Yeah. So problems have changed. So I go, I gotta go get milk. I mean, you had to be there, folks. I mean, sure. I go, I gotta go get milk because this baby's gonna die of scurvy. What do you do? You go to 7-Eleven and go give me some breast milk stat? Well, there's one fucking snack check and it's on the other side of the airport.

And I'm telling you, you'll see the phone. look at this photo look at this photo folks it is packed it makes Ellis Island look like fucking uh you know Epstein Island oh it's I mean it's a lot of kids from another place and I wanted to do the Indiana Jones where he crowd yeah over the heads yeah yes yes head so I go okay I'm going in I put face black on that I had extra from the night before. From your act. And I put shoe polish on my eyeball. I go, I go, and it's just one of those things where everyone's stopped.

And you're like, can we move? And you can't go this way, you can't go that way. And someone goes, I got a flight to catch. And I go, I got a baby with milk, duds. That's right, it's a bottleneck. A bottleneck. Yes. We need milk. He's going to die. He'll die. And so it takes me literally like 40 minutes to get through. Finally I get the milk. It's like quiet on this side. It's like everyone's bottlenecked in the middle. So I get the milk and I go, I got to go back and I'm trying to get through. And then a

sheriff lady who was like, she looked like Vitor. She was like four eight, 75, like a meth sheriff. Bald Jew? I wish. I mean, she had like that, you know that hair that you're like, what happened there? Sure, sure. I've seen that in the morning.

It's like wet and stringy bullshit. Yeah, yeah, that's bad. Well, it's humid out there. It ruins a curl. It's the humidity. I got curly hair. I come out of there looking like a wet rabbi. It's bad. Another great band. Torrential Come and Wet Rabbi. That's two great band names. He can't play on Saturday. So I finally I started walking back. The sheriff starts coming through. Can we make a space? Can we do this? And now... Well she's helping you. Well for everybody. She's talking for the everybody not for

me she doesn't care about me got it but I mean it is packed you can't move and it takes ten minutes in every spot and then you get stuck behind these fucking beta women dorks who are sitting there like oh we can't move it's tight and I'm like well fucking do a thing yes shimmy go, pardon me. I just got a slip by. Excuse me. Sorry. You have these fucking fat, doughy Floridian cunts that are like this. Nope. No. Look at it. Look at it. I'm like, I can get through there. I can get through. You got a slither, bitch slither, bitch. Now that's the best band name. Slither bitch. Someone make a festival poster with Toretcho Cum,

Slither Bit, and Wet Rabbi. Wet Rabbi, there you go. That's a good night at the music. Iron Dome. So I thought that was a real place. The Iron Dome? I thought it was a venue. Oh yeah, that's where the Rainmakers play.

I went with Rainmakers. I like that movie. Coppola. Hey, hey folks, Jersey Stories brought to you by Blue Chew. If you want the maximum out of your sex life, you need Blue Chew Max. It combines the active ingredients of Viagra and Cialis into one chewable tablet. This baby's going to get the job done. It acts fast and it lasts baby. All night

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they'll ask where you heard about them, support the show, tell them who sent you, enhance your everyday with Viya. Viya. So I'm trying to get through and then we have that. It starts to be little quarrels between everybody because all the flights are now boarding at once and it's a fucking nightmare and some lady just kind of jokingly goes, there's like a store there, a little store in the airport. They should knock down this wall to make space and this lady in front of me goes, yeah, that store's been there for 60 years, which is hilarious.

It's an airport store. And the guy's like, I'm just making a fucking comment. I don't care. Right. She goes, it's been there for 60 years. And he goes, well, it's just, we need space is all I'm saying. He goes, nobody cares. She goes, the people that live here care.

Locals care. She says, it's an afterthought. He's like, I was just kidding. And then I follow this lady and she shows up there with jingly keys, she's the proprietor. The who? Propietor. Oh, she owns the joint.

She owns the joint, yes, that helps. I thought she was the propilot. I thought you stuttered. So she keys in, so she's now mad at him. And then there's another group that goes, can we please go, I gotta catch my flight. And then some asshole goes, hey, I fly three times, this is so funny to me.

Jesus Christ. Because I fly three times a week, which is hilarious. I'm like, so you always end up in a different place? Yeah. Three times is not the right amount of flights. No, no, unless you're doing a connection. Is he counting a connection? Maybe. Maybe.

Maybe. But you'd have to fly one place, and then you fly back, and then you fly away. So you're just observing all this fatty and taking it all in? Well, I'm trying to stay calm and zen. I got my milk. But my wife and baby are on the other side of the fucking island.

This is the longest got milk ad of all time. Good point. So this guy, he says, calm the fuck island. This is the longest got milk ad of all time. Good point. So this guy, he says, calm the fuck down. Whoa. He's out of nowhere. He goes, fuck, I fly three times a week. Calm the fuck down. Wow.

Now it's nuts. Now it's getting crazy. Yeah, you're telling me. I saw the photo. It looked like when in a movie, when everyone's trying to evacuate a city, you know, like an alien is coming, like we gotta get out of, and the bridges are closed.

I felt these gate agents, God bless them, God bless America, they were unbelievably patient and kind and helpful to everybody because what a fucking zoo it was. Unsung heroes like Luigi. So finally, I get through to Sarah, and she's like, we were about to board, we thought you boarded, which is also like the most hurtful thing

anyone's ever said to me. I'm like, you thought I just got on the plane? Right. How insane would it be if I was like, well, I got the milk, I'll just hop on. Yeah, that's a good point. She's like, well, I just know you have zone one or whatever.

I'm like, jeez. I had to have like a sit down. I was like, I'm not leaving my wife and baby. Like that's so crazy to me Yeah, but I'm just like you didn't get on the plane, right? So I finally meet up with her, but I didn't realize it took so long. She's like they're on zone three I almost missed my flight Holy hell will you say you're good dad fatty you saved your boy great dad

So finally we get on the plane. And real quick, I get on the plane. You got to go to the tarmac for a minute. It's hot, and you're out there. We got on the plane. We flew home, all the way home. We, we, we make it home. It was insane.

Then I'll get into this later. I flew to Milwaukee to do Dr. Phil sequel to a previous episode. Finally was on the show. Adam Ray, shout out. Hey, there's the wet rabbi. Oh yeah. Wait, he stopped walking. Oh no.

Where is he? I think he might have heard you. Oh god, maybe he got killed by a Palestinian. Gotcha, oh he stopped. He stopped to look at the bananas. Yes. Oh, he's going the wrong direction. He just turned around.

That guy knows soil. I can see him looking at his Google Maps. Oh yeah. So any farts, I land in Milwaukee. They flew me out first class, Dr. Phil. Shout out again. I get off the plane. Who do I see?

Phil Hanley on the same flight. Hey, the Han man. Hanley. So I see Hanley. Oh my God, what are you doing here? My God. I'm trying to get him to move downtown. We're talking.

I think he might bite. That's a good neighborhood down there. You can see the Empire State. So many women. I mean, the Statue of Lib. Statue of Lib and the World Trade. So I'm talking to him, and then you know what you clock somebody else recognizing you.

I'm talking to Phil. There's a guy over here. I see he's seeing me. OK. Phil goes in the bathroom. This guy comes over and goes, this is going to sound nuts. I just saw you on the tarmac in Key West on Monday. Whoa! Now this is Friday in Milwaukee. What are the chances? What are the odds a Key West and Milwaukee guy too? Insane! That's

crazy. So that was wild and I'll get into Adam Ray and Dr. Phil in a few. I got to hear from you. I just hogged up 35 minutes of the show. I don't mind. I don't have much. I just want to say I'll be doing Adam Ray's show in the Chicago Theatre. Very exciting to be in that room being an idiot. Isn't that weird? I'll be sitting in a chair, shucking and jiving, cutting up, zinging and zanging in the Chicago Theatre. It doesn't seem real. It's great. Did you do that room where it's coming up? I did that a couple months ago. That's where I met Larry D. Oh, that's right. I knew. LZ. Yeah. So

good for you Adam Ray. You're killing it. Unbelievable. The nicest person literally I've ever met ever in my life. Sweet, sweet man. I love him to pieces. He's finally killing. So it's like he just kept his head down and stayed gay. He's a real bro. Everything's let's go. Let's fucking go. Fist. A lot of let's go. And love you. He says love you to everybody. A lot of love you. That I'm still on the fence about. Yeah, it's not my cup of tea.

I can't return it. And I feel guilty. I go, hey, I love you, man. I go, I'll see you, fatty. Oh, yeah. I'm not ready for a return. No. I'll give him a.

My wife, it bothers her when I don't. Yeah. But yeah, I'm working on it. I'll get there. Maybe a little, maybe 10 more years of therapy. I'll figure it out. So how about this one? I'm on the train the other day.

We took the baby on a big excursion. I was hoping you'd say that word. OK. Fun word. So we were like, let's go to this, let's go get lunch. And she goes, I want to get lunch here. I was like, you realize that's a subway ride, that's a stroller, that's taking it down the stairs, that's going through the turnstiles, that's to get lunch here. I was like, you realize that's a subway ride, that's a stroller, that's taking it down the stairs,

that's going through the turnstiles, that's a nine minute walk, I'm doing all the math. She's like, let's just shut up, grab our balls, pick our skirt up and go. You gotta do it. You gotta just do it. You gotta just keep living the life. I know, so I said, all right, let's do it.

Now you walk into the train, you take it down the steps, people are mad at you, blah, blah, blah. You wait for the, everything's a thing. You used to just walk down the stairs and get on the train. Exactly. Now it's like, okay, you gotta open the gate because I got the strollers, so you go in first.

Now we'll back at the gate, we walk it down the stairs. We get on the train, now we're like, all right, I'm on the train, but then your head's on a swivel because now you're on public transport in fucking New York City. Oh, you got a swivel, baby. In Brooklyn. Yeah. So all's well that ain't all's well. I got a fat red hair, a blue hair chick over here, hipster gal. I got the, the angry black woman. I got the Chinese lady counting cans. I'm like, all right, this is all pretty standard. Cons. Yeah. Cons. So of course, that front side door, whatever you want to

call it, opens up. You know that door. Oh, I know the door. Greg Rogel is a great bidder. He's like, that door is like a portal to an insane asylum. Every time it opens, you're like, oh no, this crazy motherfucker is coming out of it. Absolutely. It's never a guy like with a suit on like, howdy folks, I just sold my sixth deal. And if it is, right behind him is the scariest motherfucker ever in the history of Earth. Sometimes you'll get two hobos coming in each door and you're like, what is this? I've had it. I'm at the nexus of the universe here.

So this guy comes in, we get the hobo and I'm talking covered in shit, filthy outfit, crazy hair, blisters, weird, that weird like chalky hands, you know, that the fat ankles. So this is top shelf hobo here. By the way, you kind of described the baby in some ways, crazy hair, shit all over him. Oh yeah. Chapped lips. Yes. Yes. Chubby ankles. The sock is always over him, chapped lips, chubby ankles, the sock is always... You got a homeless baby. He grabs his wife's tits, speaking incoherently, screaming. Maybe the homeless guy is looking for the baby. He's like, ba-ba, whatever.

Yeah, they bond, they relate. So he comes on and instinctively you go, ah, shit. Because now, with the hobo before, it's like, this is annoying, it's a nuisance, I hope it doesn't stab me. But now it's like, I'm in dead protection grizzly mode. So I just take the baby stroller, I put it against the wall, and I just, I hover over it, I'm a shield, I'm an iron dome.

So he's going up to people and going like this, I'm homeless. I know, it was freaky. So people like whoa What are you doing man? And he's like, I'm homeless. I need money like like this like right there and he kept doing that I don't know what that was like mo, you know like I'm homeless more homeless so

He comes up and I'm like, here we go, and he sees me and I'm, I got my back to him. So I was like, all right, he's probably gonna kick me in the ass or maybe push my head or something. And he just goes like this. And he shoves me like with a shoulder. And I just kind of go like, oh, all right. And I could turn around and go, Hey, get a job, Dickless. Why don't you make something of your life, you hobo? But I just let him go, and he killed the wife. But. Thank Christ.

Yeah, but no, it was all fine, and he just kept bothering other people, and we got through it, but boy, that was a moment. I do think that even the homeless, they take pity on the babies. Something about a baby. It's the same with the milk. If you go, I got milk for my kid at the Key West airport, they go, all right, let them through.

I got to tell you, I was thinking about this today. Having a baby really allows you to see the brighter side of society. Everyone holds doors for me. they let you go, they all wink and wave. It's just a beautiful society if you have a baby or a child. People respect the child baby. They do. They get out of the way, they help you, they open the door for you. I saw an old bag with a toddler, she had the two-decker, and I was like, this poor woman is really having a day. They're both screaming. And I ran up and I grabbed that door and she was like, thank you. She's like defeated. People love a baby and it makes you feel good. It's nice. It's nice. So the hobo went by. We had a great lunch. The kids slept the whole time. Came

back. Now here's where it gets queefy. We're coming back. I'm on the train. Another homeless guy. He's just kind of less annoying, less crazy, walks through and this guy looks at me, young black guy, cool dude, and he looks at me from across the train and he goes, you're probably going to put that in your act. And I go, ah, that's funny, he recognizes me, I'm here with the baby, he gets it. And I go, yeah, what could you do, always writing. And then he goes, you know, the homeless, it's all systemic. And

I was like, aha, you got that right, fatty. System of a down, systemic. And he's like, yeah, it's because of the society, the way we do it. And I'm like, now I'm getting a hobo lecture. Right, I don't want a hobo lecture. And I'm like, you don't want to go, what do you want me to do? You want some money? Do you want my car? I don't know what to do for you. Yeah. And he just keeps like unloading about the homeless situation and how it's a part of society and systemic and it's all trickled down economics. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, just can we bring the homeless guy back? I'd rather talk to him. Right. I'm getting yeah yeah and I'm like just can we bring the

homeless guy back I'd rather talk to him right I'm getting now I'm getting like lectured here by this guy and he's like a young you know activist dude and I'm looking at the wife like make out with me like something like kick me in the ball something cuz I gotta get out of this cuz you just stuck with him till that door opens You know, we got three stops to go. I love that. She starts blowing you and you're like, sorry Yeah, it's systemic, you know can't help it But yeah, so he's unloading on me about homeless knowledge and all this and I'm like, yeah

Yeah, you know, there's not enough homes out there and the prices and the government they don't help and no one cares and he's like Yeah, then finally you get to your stop, I got buddy I'll see you later he goes good talking to you brother Jesus Christ this is kind of any I like he knows who we are but he doesn't know that I I'm wildly uncomfortable and I'm gonna make fun of this later right evidently not it's also funny to be like I gotta go home yes sorry system now by the way you want your tits blown maybe we had this later. Right. Evidently not. It's also funny to be like, I got to go home. Yes. Sorry. Now, by the way, you want your tits blown. Maybe we had this conversation on this show because we had it somewhere. This will blow your tits. Oh no. What's the difference between

systemic and systematic? What's going on there? Interesting. Those are different words. What's the deal with systematic and systemic? Yeah. The system. We'd all know what a system is. I have a system. Right. Stereo system. Yeah. Nintendo gaming system. Then there's systemic, which is like racist. Like the system isn't helpful to minorities, meaning like there's nothing in the government, in the writings and the constitution that helps them or or the racist government holds them down like redlining but systemic the root word is system. Yeah. It's systematic. The root word is system. Yeah. Different words.

They mean different things. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of like... It's a lot of that....affect and affect. Well, those are totally from different worlds, I think. But they're similar things, right? Similar letters, for sure. It's effect. Effect, double F. Chuck, did you look it up? Yeah, I got it.

Because this is one of those ones, even when you read the definition, you're still fucked. No, you'll get this. No, I won't. Systematic means something is planned out and orderly. Like, we have a systematic road trip. the car. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a

system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. It's a system. You know about a schematic? That's like a layout of a restaurant. There's a schematic where all the tables are... Who? Blueprint. A blueprint.

Similar. Similar. Yeah, but you got something there. Systemic and systematic. Isn't it funny that someone had to come up with these words like, yeah, it's like systemic, but it's a little different. We'll go systematic. And somebody has to go, all right, put that in the dictionary. But you hear systematic racism, don't you? Or is that just idiots that don't know the word systemic? Yeah, exactly. It's idiots. Oh, okay. So systematic racism is not a thing. That's not a thing unless you really plan out your racism and make a spreadsheet. I think people do. I mean, that's what the Ku Klux Klan must do, right? They get together

and they go, we're going to catch black people and burn them or whatever. I think they'd be more successful if they had a systematic. Nazis were definitely systematic. They were systematic. OK. There you go. That's a good racist.

That's systematic racism. Systematic racism. Another band. They're like the undercard. Oh, yeah. They're the opener. They're at the small theater. Right.

At every stage. Systemic is killing it. Systematic is still open-biking. But yeah, so there you go. So that was my weird little Brooklyn moment of like, ah, yes. So I had a hobo, then a hobo activist. Right.

Yeah. I don't know. What do people want you to do? They want you to change the world around like, ah, yeah. I'll do something about it. I'll get on it. Well, it feels like what they want is for you to say, boy, you know a lot about that stuff.

And they want to pat on the back and they go, you're a hero. They just want to kind of let you know they know about a thing, it seems like. Yeah, yeah. That's what I feel like. I guess so. But it felt like he was implying that I need to do more, but maybe that was just in my head.

Yeah. Well, I don't know. Maybe he thinks you're a wealthy guy. Right. You're gentrifying. Oh, I don't know. Maybe, yeah, maybe he thinks, you know, you're wealthy guy, you have moved, you're, you're gentrifying. Oh, maybe that's a devil. Well, I mean, you got 17 rooms here. You could bring in a few homeless. Maybe that's true. I wouldn't mind seeing you have a few homeless people here. Well, if I have guests on, we'll get boxcar Bob to come on here and tell us who he blew for crack. Now that would be fun to get a good old fashioned classic hobo in here. A real cook. Have they done a hobo pod? I feel like that would clean up. You get one guy like,

ah, heroin. If you don't give me heroin, I'll stab you. Well, I think that would be considered a systemic exploitation of the unfortunates. Okay. Bump fights. Kind of like that. Oh yeah. Bump fights. But I'd like to hear about the fight. I want to get to know the unfortunate. Okay. Bump fights kind of like that. Oh yeah. Bump fights. But I'd like to hear about the fight. I want to get to know the guy down to the knee. What's he like? Tell me some crazy stories. Hobo. You've, you've seen it all. Well, we could do it. I mean, Chuck could leave and be back in eight minutes with a homeless person. That's true. I mean, there's a few not far from here. Maybe they can watch the kids too. Yeah, this is a good idea.

Yeah, that's what you need to do is give them the responsibilities to make them feel empowered. They need purpose. And it's like you said, they relate. They both have a load in their pants. Now I know a guy, this is a shoe story. This man I met in Alcoholics Anonymous. So I won't give out too much information about this man, of course, but he brought

in a homeless person because he wanted to do service and take care of me. He got him a shower and he said, you can stay with me for as long as you need. I'll help you get back on your feet. He was trying to be of service. And the homeless guy was there for four or five days and went, ah, I'm gonna get out of here.

And he was like, you're leaving? And he's like, ah, I don't like it. You tell me what to do.'re leaving? And he's like, I don't like it. You're watching me, the soap, I don't like it. I think a lot of these people, it sounds like an excuse, but I think a lot of these people, they're more comfortable living their life, what they see as freedom on the streets. It's like Brooks in Shawshank. Yes.

I gotta go back, I know that world. Brooks Hadland. Yes, he was here. But yeah, I kind of get that. It's like when somebody's like, stay at my place. And you're like, I'll just live under an overpass and blow a vagrant. Exactly. They're like, you probably want to go play ski ball with me. I got a ski ball hookup. And I go, no, no, I think I'll just, yeah, I'll watch fucking the news and jerk off. Yeah. During COVID, you know, I lived in that tiny apartment with the lady and all I do is take walks because I was like, I can't sit and watch Game of Thrones again and talk to you again and look at the wall. I got a stroll. Of course. I'm

a big stroller, baby stroller. Yes. So, uh, yeah, good times. I lost my sunglasses. I'm sick over it. Well, you gotta get cheap sunglasses. I guess so. When I go to Warby Parker, I pay the $90, and I bought them like a week ago. I made a whole thing, I'm buying these sunglasses, there they are, can't find them. Are they prescription?

Nah, just they get the right one I like. You pay $90 for sunglasses? They're very nice. I try to keep a hold of them, and I lost them in like a week and a half, and I to kill myself. Wow. I know I'm sick over it. Yeah, that sucks. Don't you hate losing things? I sure do. I don't. I'm not a big loser of thing. I mean, I'm a big loser, but I don't lose things all that often. Right. But it's a bad feeling. By the way, speaking of losers and losing things. I told you a little bit off Mike off air

Oh, I gotta tell you about last night. Oh This is one of the best nights of my you can't even remember it was like a half hour ago The best night of my whole life got no recall well Rico Rob recall recall Rob Rigo who's got a great special by the way, check out Rob Rego. Grove 34, you know Rob Rego. He's an Air Force pilot, or maybe he's an Army pilot or a Marine pilot. He's a sturdy, stocky son of a B.

Oh, he's got a big fucking push broom of a mustache, a beautiful clean shirt, great body. Big dick. Maybe. I imagine. I assume so, but he goes out and he flies see 130s he's an airplane pilot he's a comedian and he's the proprietor a propeller of the audience the crow for comedy club which is one of the best clubs fucking ever killer room love this guy check. Check out his special. It's, it's, it's a clever title. It's called live, uh, called growth 34 live from Rob Rigo or something like that. He flipped the thing. Oh, I see. Can we get a reading on that? It's something

like that. I think it's called the growth 34 live from Rob Rigo. Yeah. It's like that guy. What's his name? The tall, good looking comic who opens for Nate JP, McDade. No, no. It was for Nate. He's been around a while. One liner guy with a guitar court. McCown. No, he's Oh, yes. Of course. Timmy, Pilly, Billy, PJ. What's his name? Nick Thune. He's a great guy. Funny guy. But his title, his special was called thick noon flip. Flip. What kind of like Jad? 10 Daniels. Oh, did dad. Dad Chaniels. Oh yeah. Oh, this is dad. Now they're gonna have to fight it out for the old name flip. Oh boy. Well, they're both out there, Jerry. And I'm loving every minute of it. What's the

special called? Grove 34 live at Rob Rego. Yeah, there you go. I think I got it. How many views are we talking on that thing? How many views? It is. Um. Gotta be 5,000. Up it. Up it. He's doing real good. He's doing good. He got a couple thousand views. Everyone should check it out. He's really really funny. He deserves better numbers cuz he's funny. Great dude. The club is great. club is great. So Rob's been good to me. He puts me there once a month. He lets me do whatever I want at the club. He always gives me a big

intro. He reaches out. He says, Hey, would you want to judge the roast battle? It'd be a big deal to these young whippersnappers. It's for a thousand bucks. You'd be a big get. And like the guy that brought in a homeless man, to a lesser degree, I said, I'm going to do service to the community. Sure. I've been very fortunate. People have helped me. I'll tell you what, I'll do it. All right. What a guy. Get back to the community. So what do you call that? A community service. It's one of those ones you're right in the calendar and you go, I am not going to want to do this one. Boy, do I know it too well. More than anybody.

But it's so far away that you go, ah, it'll be fine, but was that your advice? If you don't wanna do it now, you're not gonna do it later. Yes, anything you don't wanna do now, you won't wanna do later. So I go, ah, it'll be fine, it'll come up. Then the calendar day comes up.

You ever have this where nobody confirms, you don't see your name on anything, so you go, maybe they all died? You're just praying they ain't all, praying a la. Maybe it burned down or whatever. Oh yeah maybe the show got canceled. So I go hey is this thing still happening? Oh yeah shows at 30 but I found out that Rana on my piezone, my boy, my former podcast partner I couldn't stand him. He's a wet rabbi that guy. So he's judging. It's like, OK, I'll see him. And then we had some mail delivered to his house.

So I go, I'll get the mail. I'll see him. And so I went out there thinking, oh, this will be fine. Whatever. And it's raining, by the way. It's boring. Ah, torrential. I go out there. And I got to tell you, I don't know when this thing's gonna be on YouTube. It was the best show I've seen in 10 years. I'm not kidding. Can we get a montage of him saying that

about every show? This was the best thing I ever saw. I got some names here. I want to say their name. I want to say their names. Give the shout outs out there. Help the lads and ladies. Well, Andrew Manning, he stole the show. Wow, Peyton's brother. This kid was, I think his name is Andrew Man thing on Instagram. OK, check him out. This guy, now he roasted a guy named Josh. Adam Meyers.

Now we're going to plug his name in and post, I think. Maybe you can find out his name. Maybe look it up. Josh Johnson versus Josh. Just Archie Manning. No, Andrew Manning. Archie Manning's a football guy. Well, fellow from New Orleans. But we wouldn't know yet. Right. Just happened last night. Yeah. But maybe it was on the schedule. Josh, something finals Grove 34. He's a very handsome boy. He's a hot bro guy. Josh Feingold and his

girlfriend's hot. That was all the jokes. He's got a hot girlfriend. Okay. Or something. She's Russian. He's a hot bro guy just fine gold and his girlfriend's hot that was all the jokes he's got a hot girlfriend or something she's Russian you can't be an ugly Ibiza says the name was tough was it devia gunas garian no no this name was Josh Dalton or Josh dildo they did find this one in the Astoria post it said final four the roasted battle continues at Grove. Well, it says Andrew Manning versus devia, whatever. So it must be an older one or something. This is from two weeks ago. Oh, anyways, he was great. When you find it, you'll find it. Hot guy with a hot girlfriend, Josh. He was hilarious. Andrew Manning stole the show, but it was so heartening because everybody was fucking killer. I can't remember any of these people's names. Ilya Laskin, Malia Simon

was hilarious. This guy, Ilya had a great line. He said, isn't she as cute as she's ever going to be? That was a great one. Great line. You got it? Andrew Manning versus Joshua Lampley. Josh Lampley. That's it. This guy is hot and funny. What is it Andrew Manning versus Joshua Lampley Josh Lampley This guy is hot and funny There was a lady named Sarah Barnett She was great. She had herpes. I have herpes that was exciting Barnett burner I think about having herpes is what someone's like I have herpes you're like, hey, why don't we? Yeah, we can't get it twice There you go. Yeah, you got it. You got it.

But my pesky wife is always. You got to give her herpes. Is it pesky or Pesty Pesty like Johnny Pesky? But what's Pesty Pesty something? Pesty is nothing. This Pesty I think is like jerking off on somebody's back when they're sleeping. Isn't that Pesty? It's a little pasty at the end.

I don't know about Pesty. It's a little pasty at the end. I don't know about Pesty. There's Pesto and there's Testy. But like Pest-ish. Pesty. Like Testy Pesty. He's a little Pesty. I mean put it in Urban Legends or whatever. Urban Dictionary.

But like Rapie. Rapie's not a word but you know what I meant. If I said he's Rapie. I think you could go, this guy's a little Pesty. If you know what I meant. If I said he's rapey. I think he could go, this guy's a little, little pesty, if you know what I mean. Yeah, pesty. But you're gonna have to do a dash and then a y, cause that ain't a word. But language is ideas being communicated.

If I say he's pesty. Yeah, it's systematic. So what's the definition of pesky? That's kind of like hard to get rid of. Yeah, he's a little bit of a nuisance. That's my pesky sidekick. Johnny Pesky, Mr. Red Sox. My Pesky's podcast partner.

What do you got? Pesky's a word, isn't it? Pesky is a big word. Whoa! Scrabble, 10 points. Hit me with it. What's the definition of pesky? Oh, it's pretty similar to pesky.

So pesky is annoying, bothersome, or troublesome. OK, I take it all back. Pesky. I think that's what it says. Yes, bothersome, or troublesome. Okay, I take it all back. PESTI! I think that's what it says. Yeah, of course. PESTI. It's on dictionary.com. It's legit.

Yeah, Webster. Alright, alright. It's like Wikipedia. You can add stuff. So what's PESTI mean then? It's the fucking same, man. It says... Whoa!

So it is PESTI. It says PESTI. Yeah, annoying, bothersome, grating, irritating. Same thing. Wow. Grating. It's similar to, we're going down the pipe. What's it called? The pipe? What's the term? Pike. It's Pike. I think it's Pike. But everyone says pipe. Down the pike, like the turnpike. Exactly. But it just morphed to pipe over time I think because no one knew what a fucking pike was The synonym for pesky is Chuck There we go folks, I like it hello folks

But anyways, and then oh she roasted this guy whose name I forget also he's tall and Jewish He looks like me they had fucking that great The whole list right here. Oh, hit this with the list. It says Andrew Manning, Josh Lampley, Malia Simone versus Ilya Laskin. Yeah, that was the great one. He was the one that said, isn't she as cute as she's ever gonna be?

That was a great joke. Talent Harris? Talent versus- Gio Yankee? Gio Yankee? Gio and Talent were funny. He's a new rapper. Eric Asker versus Sarah Burnett.

Eric Asker, yeah. Asker out. We're funny. He's a new rapper Eric asker versus Sarah Burnett Eric asker. Yeah ask her out Asker was great and burn it was great. It was just fucking killer. It's gonna be on YouTube. We'll share the In the middle of it I thought I'm gonna I'm gonna send this to my I was thinking about you Well, I love the great Rose You know what's great about Rose and I think why they became so popular is because you could be honest. If you go to a, if you go to this Barnett or, and you go, Hey, this is the best she's ever going to look. People like, Whoa, what talks like that? Right. But if you do it in a row, somebody's like, he nailed it. Right. There's something beautiful about that honesty. It was, there was some

of the funniest roast jokes I've heard in a long time and Everybody was killing and one of the guys the guy that won Andrew Manning his parents were in the audience. Oh and Josh Daily or diddle or whatever his name is he kept being like I fucked your mother in the ass He's like the only thing in your mother's cunt is me your Palestinian piece of shit And you can't look it and the mother was like this. Oh, that's horrible. Why would you bring your mom to a roast battle? That's the worst place to bring your mom.

Particularly if she's Palestinian, because everything was like Palestinian babies. We bombed them, Gaza, whatever. So it was rough. By the way, the husband, the dad, looks exactly like Bernie Sanders. As I was leaving, I was like, I supported you in 2016. He goes, Oh, it was fun. It was weird to have a Palestinian kid whose dad looks like Bernie, the biggest Jew ever.

Yeah. It was really something. It's a mother nature's a mad scientist. But what a, Oh, what a night. Hell yeah. Good for you. You didn't want to do it. You got your fat ass out and you did it and you had a good time. I had the best time and I just, I felt full full of hope and then all these young whippersnappers They're all 23 years old. They're all like we're going to the bar Do you want to play pool and I just laugh I go far. I'm like 23 and me. I'm like, it's 1025 Yeah, that's I gotta go back all the way south. You gotta go fucking down to you know, the Gulf of America

Only about a 30 minute ride, 25 minute ride. What? You can really get around this town quick. That's true, the subway. And I live 18 minutes from you. You got that right, Fatty. Absolutely, so come on by. The sun is beaming in, by the way.

Chuck looks like an angel of farts. A pesky angel. But, let me just say this. I gotta throw this out to the ether. And see what sticks. I gotta do a big apology to the flying fish. F squared, the flying fish. Double F, Freaky Friday. Well.

Flashback Friday. What happened with them? I don't remember. Your brain's push. Well, let's see. I remember. You know, I Ah, your brain's push. Well, let's see. Oh, I remember. You know, I did the big Valentine's dinner. I thought it was covered. Well, they got you a seat. They got me a seat. It's a private club. That's, I read the comments. They were

very mean. Thank you, Facebook. But it was basically like... Facebook? Yeah, I checked the Tuesday's Facebook every now and then. I didn't know we had a Facebook. Don't look. But that's one more thing I got to worry about. Don't even look at it. Don't even think about it. But it I had Facebook in 10 years. Facebook is huge. I know I got fucking Danny Frankel that pimple. Facebook doesn't have anything your face I got on on Facebook. I don't know how to get on there I pay a fag to do all my stuff I know you recommended him to me and he ghosted me this piece of

shit he's like I got mark 48 million in two days I said fantastic I'm in then I never heard from him again that guy's trouble you don't want that guy you got off easy with that guy you've sent me like 12 guys and none of them responded. I'll get you the right guy. Please. I got you, Craig Brooks. You're swimming in cash because of me. Thank you. Well, I haven't made the money back yet. We had a financial thing with Trump.

The Dow went to the floor. Yeah, I don't know the tariffs. It's all going to work out. Don't worry about the egg prices and the gas prices. It's going to be great. Yeah. Even Trump was like, it's going to be a little bumpy for a while. So if he says bumpy, it's going to be like your dick. Forget about

it. All right. So flying fish guy, I did a whole to do about the, the flying fish. He said, come by, we'll take care of you. Da da da. You really trashed them. Yeah. Yeah. The food was great. Food was great. The place is amazing, but uh, the, um, the, the, the food was great. Food was great, the place was amazing. But the jig is up. The guy basically was like, he texted me, the chef. Oh boy. And he goes, it's coming to my attention. A lot of the line cooks and the VIPs, they've all hit me up.

But they said you were talking shit. I wanna be clear. I didn't mean it that way. I think you assumed. I try to be nice, I didn't mean it that way, I think you assumed, I try to be nice, and then you go on this pod, and dah, dah, dah, and then I just, I clamped up. I'm scared of confrontation, so I didn't answer, which I think helped me.

It's like George, if I say anything here, it'll only hurt me. Then, you ever do this, someone makes an offer, and you just don't respond and they start Panicking and they kind of go, okay, whatever you want. Sure. I kind of did one of those on accident I didn't respond and then I just went about my day and forgot about it. So now hours have gone by So then he wrote back, you know what? Maybe I was a little heated there. I was overstepping Now I feel bad. I'm sorry. Now he's apologizing. Okay. So then I go, all right, now I got to respond. So I wrote, no, it's all my fault.

I assumed Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups or whatever. And again, it's a comedy podcast. I embellished for comedic effect and da da da. And I love the food. I'll talk good about you and no hard feelings. Okay. And he said, all right, all good. Thanks for everything. We'd love to have you back. And I said, okay.

Is the meal free? And he wrote, ha ha. So we're good. We should go. We should do a Patreon. Whoa. Let's go to the fly. Cause I've never given a flying fish. I would love to go over there. Get me some trout and some potatoes and some

ice cream. We'll bring a net because they're flying all over the table. But the problem is we're going to lose our whole profit margin. This place ain't cheap fatty. I think we'll be able to swing it. It's multiple, multiple hundreds of dollars. Right. So is Chuck. Well, Chuck can't eat. We'll give him Chick-fil-A before we go.

He'll just roll camera. Yeah, good point. We'll throw you a flying fish. You can catch it in your mouth like a seal. And we'll eat. And it'll be good. And I bet this time they'll hook us up, if I know them like I think I do.

God, I can't take that risk. Boy. I almost lost my mortgage. I'd love to see that text. I mean, that gives me the willies. You. Boy. I almost lost my mortgage. I'd love to see that text. I mean, that gives me the willies. You texted it, I heard from the guy, and I jumped out of the bed like Kevin McAllister.

I know, I thought it was gonna be another Byron Allen situation where he sues our asses for defamation, but it's all water under the bridge, the fish are flying, everybody's good, and we squared it out, worked it out. Squirted it out? Squirted, but basically he meant I'll take care of you

by letting you in our private club. On Valentine's Day. You fucking loser, yeah. That was the hookup, so. And he probably meant I'm gonna make you the best the fucking pizza you ever had. I'm gonna put special ingredients in there, some sugar, some honey, some iced tea. Yes, yes. Did you guys have that as kids? Sugar honey iced tea? No.

You must have had that. Never heard of it. You'd go sugar honey iced tea. What? I heard shut the front door. We had that but sugar honey iced tea, S-H-I-T. Right. Oh. So you drop something on your toe you go go, Oh, sugar, honey iced tea. No, never heard it in a million years. I like it. Maybe we invented that. We had date sheet, double hockey sticks. Yeah, of course. Right. Call in for or comment. If you have a go, go to the Facebook and write something. I'm going to get on Facebook. Fuck up my life. I'll send you the guy. The other guy, you're lucky you didn't get in bed with him. That was a whole to do getting out of that. That was a real flying fish. But yeah, where are you going to be there, Dickless? I'm going to be all over the fucking place.

When does this come out? March 11th? 17th. March 17th? Yes. Damn, my Dr. Phil's already over. St. Patrick's Day. Oh yeah, I didn't even get to talk about Dr. Phil, but it was awesome. Hey, that guy puts on a hell of a hell of a show. Yeah. So, uh, I don't know what the fuck I got to present bringing my calendar. I'm a piece of shit. April 2nd, Baltimore. We added a show at the port. There's a second show. Oh, there's may and the baby. Uh, April 2nd, we added a show in Baltimore. April 10th through the 12th is Minneapolis. I keep thinking we're already in April, it's crazy. April 19th, the Wilbeth Theater, that will sell out. And then of course, the big movie is coming

to a theater near you, Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian, April 25th, the Quad Cinema, here in New York City. We're gonna have a several day run. It's coming to many theaters. It'll be in Cambridge Cambridge at the Landmark. Landmark Cinemas across America, please, for the love of fucking Christ, go, that's a hell of a wife ass you got there,

right in the window, my God. Thank you, yeah. Yeah, gee whiz. I'm Chuck Chis. This is bummed he missed it. I built the whole thing. Forgot who we had producing, my God. Chuck just dove out the window.

Yeah, you pesky creep. Anyways, please go see the movie in the theater. Support Independence Cinema. I want this thing to go gangbusters. I just showed it to Bill Burr. He went crazy. It's a fantastic flick. I'm excited to watch it again and she's dying to see it. Oh, good. Yeah. So go see it at the Quad Cinema and get on my Punch Up. For God's sakes, I'm not on Facebook. I'm a fucking idiot. Punch Up Live. sign up for that email list

I'll get it's really snapchat is popping up now It's too many things I want to give a shout out to it a plug to The village East we stole your idea. We're doing a page to stage premiere second episode Salacuse punch up the, The Pimple Danny, he's gonna be there, and we're gonna do a whole screening, and we're gonna punch up jokes in real time with some hot comedians after the movie plays. So tickets are moving, and we've already about half sold.

It's the 26th of March. Come on out, say hello, queef it up, and then I'll be on the road to Ryman, Napa, Reno, Vegas. I want to go to Reno. What else? All kinds of stuff. UK, I'll be in London, Birmingham, Cardiff, and Port Chester, Albany, all that good stuff. Asheville, what do you got? Chuckles. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. We have a lot of fun stuff on there with comedian Ray Harrington and my buddy Brad Rohr.

Good stuff. We have a great St. Patrick's Day episode we just released, very timely. And new popcorn kernels with Brian Rupert, also on the same Fun Bearable feed. Just go to funbearablepod.com. The Rupert? The Rupert.

Wait, his first name isn't Rupert? No, his first name's Brian. What? I have no idea. His last name's Rupert. His last name's Rupert. This changes everything. Rupert's a great name.

Yeah, I call him Rup. Ruprecht. Rup the poop. Yeah, that's good. He takes big dumps, that guy. Big, wet, that. Oh yeah. This is my impression of every Rupert dump

that's ever been taken. Ooh. I'll tell you a thing about Rupert. We go to the movies all the time. He gets popcorn. He has the biggest popcorn. He layers all the butter and then he gets like five side cups of butter and he puts it on and throw it in the movie. Oh my god. Rupi! We care about you. We love you. I can't believe he's not fatter. Rupert! Get it together! Can I have some more cookies? Please, another butter.

Alright, thanks guys. We'll see you in hell. Queef it up. Praise Allah. Salam. Salam. Salam. Salam.

Salam. Salam. Salam. Salam. Salam. Salam. Salam. Salam.

Salam. Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds. Recently, I asked Mint Mobile's legal team if big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes. And then when I asked if raising prices technically violates those onerous two-year contracts, they said,

what the f*** are you talking about, you insane Hollywood a*****? So to recap, we're cutting the price of Mint Unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only. Taxes and fees extra.

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