Tuesdays with Stories! - #597 Joe List: Throat Goat

Episode Date: March 25, 2025

Papa Joe's voice is blown! But the boys still manage to compare Ace Ventura and Confucius, talk about Joe's boot-scootin' time in Nashville, and still have time for Mark to blow Salacuse! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with  code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com - Support the show and make the switch to ShipStation. Sign up for your free trial today with the code TUESDAYS at https://www.shipstation.com - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! Ah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what I want to say. Oh, ha! We're here, we're queer, we fed the baby, we fed the other baby, we're back! We're back, sorry, we're a little behind schedule, I had to eat up this one o'clock is a cocksuck for me Because we're on a very fixed income. I wake up at seven o'clock. I got the baby Then you go you go to the mall. I take him to the playground. You play in the playground Yes breakfast together. I get a little breakfast eat, but he eats half the fucking breakfast

This is the problem with these older babies. Mmm, you got this baby, you just shove a fucking milk in his asshole. Yes, it's nice. He drinks it, it's great, that was sweet, I got to hold the baby, I love holding the baby, good baby. But now, this baby's eating half my meal. Ah, really? Well you got a big boy there. He's got a noggin and you got a throat full of jizz it sounds like. Oh yeah, I'm dying. I mean I'll get into it. I lost my voice completely. But yeah, my son is 3'8", 110 pounds. Yeah, he's going to be in the WNBA, this kid.

So I get, you know, scrammy eggs, hash browns, and toast, and a banana. Nice. Still a good deal. Bodega breakfast. Still one of the great deals in New York City. It's rare in this town. That's the last cheap thing. $6.50. I get a big plate of scrambled eggs with cheddar. Wow. White toast all buttered up, two hash browns, $6.50. That's the new diner. Diners are out. Diners are identifying as a diner now. They're like,

we're a diner. We got milkshakes and red velvet seats or whatever, or red leather seats. But then you get the bill, it's $88. I've said this for years. There's Sanford's in Astoria, which is like a legendary place, we probably went there at some point. Maybe. It's been there since 1908 or whatever, it's one of these places they have the original menu

on the back, and it's like a steak for 30 cents. Right, right. But people would refer to it as a diner, I'm like, this is like fine dining. Yes! This is like fucking a $28 cheeseburger.. Exactly fine diner. But it's like a chick with a dick where you go in like, hey, this is going to be all right. Oh, I got fucked in the ass. Yes, exactly. I would like a chick with a dick, I think, but that's a whole other

bag of cum. I can give you some phone numbers. All right, please. All right. Norton's got a few. Oh, yeah. Norton. He was doing trans stuff when it wasn't cool. Right. He was on the highway picking them up. Now they're in the comedy clubs. Right, right.

Performing. Yeah, they were referred to as tranees, I believe. That's true. Now the E is out. E is out. You can't say E. No, no. There's tranee, and then there's tranny.

Huh. If you're working your way up to be a trans, you're a trainee tranny. That's not bad. That's up there. That's better than anything you've got. Boy, the sun popped out. The weather has been unbelievable. I hope you got out the last couple days.

I've been out. I've been bobbing and weaving. It's beautiful. This neighborhood is jumping. I got a park right up here. I take the fat man. We stroll all over town in the Duna. And I get the sun right in his eyes and he does the...

Oh. How cute is that? They go crazy with the sun. It's like when you let a hostage out of the bunker and they're like, ah. Oh yeah. Israel. It's like slapping a guy in the face with a dick.

Like the baby's just like, ah. Yeah, they hate it. They're burning their retinas. But yeah, this weather is great. And the mood lifts. I feel like, you know they said gunshots, gunshot deaths are the lowest they've been in years in New York?

No kidding. Yeah, now it's stabbing us up. But gunshots are down. What, because of the weather? I don't know. I'm just putting two and two together. But something's up. OK. Maybe because of the congestion tax, people are off the road. I don't know, I'm just putting two and two together, but something's up. Okay.

Maybe because of the congestion tax, people are off the road, I don't know, but gunshots, lowest they've been in 30 years. Great, well I can't wait, and yeah, this neighborhood's jumping, and this neighborhood is jumping higher than other neighborhoods, if you know what I mean. Ah, yes.

Higher and faster and further. Yes. Good athletics, folks. Oh yeah. You okay okay babe? Transports. Ah, yeah my voice is gone. This is the best I've sounded in days by the way.

Oh really, you sound cool. You got a raspy thing like Harvey Firestein. Oh yeah. I sounded like RFK last time and I kind of went into Tom Waits and now I'm Harvey. Oh yeah. I can't keep giving you these wigs. Or what did he say to Mrs. Doubtfire?

He's like, you gotta protect your tits. Can you make me a woman? I'm so happy. There we go. That was a big scene. By the way, speaking of trainees, that's a big trans movie right there. I think it's banned now.

Well, people got upset, yeah, these college kids, because there was a musical, Mrs. Doubtfire musical. Is that right? Oh yeah, and it got picketed. They threw fucking paint and all this shit, but it has nothing to do with trans. I know. Well, what's a lady in a dress going? I'm a woman. And then he gets caught pissing. It's like a whole, it's the bathroom sphere. Everybody has. Yeah. It's about a parent who wants to see his kids or whatever. It's not trans.

I know. But that and Ace Ventura. The end of Ace Ventura is the most transphobic thing since Trump. Well, Ace is rough. Ace Ventura does not hold up well to... It's not even just trans women, it's homophobic. Sure. The whole idea is that they all kissed a woman with a dick and they're all plunging and puking and throwing up and it's crazy. The nineties were a wild time. You could be open and the whole crowd's going, I get it man, he's got a point. Oh, it's gold. It's gold. And I didn't even get the dick and balls behind the ad. I didn't get that either. I thought she shit her pants. And then they'd

spin around and you see the balls and I'm like, but how could your dick and balls go all the way? How long are your balls? Right, I have some of the longest balls on earth, and I don't think I could stick mine out like that. I guess I could. Well, Patreon. That's not a bad idea. By the way, I saw the Japanese guy again,

the 9-Eleven tour guy. Oh! And I realized, I know what we need. Today, Salakus came down and visited, and I was on the lookout for the Japanese at 9-Eleven tour guy because that's who we need to get in there. Yes, Twin Tower. He's the only man.

Salakus is the only guy that can go and talk to that guy and figure out the deal and find him. Fleetum Tower. Because I'm afraid to talk to the guy. But you got to see. I'll put, maybe we could post the photo right here. We're posting a lot of photos. But he had a tour.

It was two people. It was just a couple. Oh, that's adorable. And he's out there being like, the fiery death of the model. And they're like, oh God. Oh, does this guy not know YouTube exists or documentaries? I mean, we could just watch it at home. I have no idea, but we got to find him. I don't know how to find him. Are you looking him up? We got to find him. I was writing down a timestamp to insert the photo. Oh, okay. Well, look up. How do I look him up? I Googled... Intense Japanese... I put, 9-11 Japanese tour guide.

But I don't think he's like, come on the Japanese tour. He just happens to be Japanese. Oh, I know, I know. I'm trying to think of how to find him. So maybe 9-11, like a personalized 9-11. What do you call that? There's a lot of them. There's a Sherpa. There's a lot of them. Sherpa.

There's a lot of them though, I think. There's a few. That's the problem is that so many came up. We gotta get a white American to go to Hiroshima and do it to them. Hey, that's not bad. What's good for the goose is good for the Asian. But doesn't work that way because that,

in that, to connect, it would have to be a Muslim Afghani or Pakistani guy. Oh, good point, good point. Or Saudi Arabian guy. Yeah. Saudi, Afghani, or Pakistani guy. Good point. Or Saudi Arabian guy. Yeah. Saudi, final answer. Right, right.

Yeah, that's true. Because he's not giving a Pearl Harbor tour. Ah! That's another idea. There you go. Well, so, is that Bobby Kelly? Bobby Smelly. Let's seriously make it a priority to figure it out, though.

All right, you work on it. You Google. I'll try to do it. Maybe I'll it out though. Alright, you work on it. You Google. I'll try to do it. Maybe I'll just go there. If you can get a photo. Is he there all the time? Just roam around. I mean, I see him randomly,

but he's gotta be hanging out at the World Trade Center. Sure, yeah. Because I think he just picks off people. What do you think that guy costs for the tour? It can't, it's gotta be a pittance. 50 bucks? 50 bucks. 50, that seems high for that guy.

You know what I did yesterday? I went to the Edge. You know the Edge Hudson Yards? Oh seems high for that guy. You know what I did yesterday? I went to the edge, you know, the edge Hudson Yards. Oh, the big tall building. It's a big tall building with like a big edge. Was he there? The U2 member? No, no, no. Oh, the edge. I think he met the Japanese guy. Oh, no. The edge was there. OK. He just greets.

But they have a they have a what do you make of this? They have a big, clear section, like a glass section. You're up a hundred stories and you can look down, straight down. So underneath you is all glass, which people get freaked out by, which I never really get. I'm like, it's a floor. It's a floor, but it gives the illusion of no floor. Yeah, it's kind of wacky. Optical illusion. So everyone lays there and takes photos and selfies. And then I had the baby in the stroller. So I put the stroller on there and took a photo. The lady

goes, Hey, no strollers. What's that? That's crazy. What could that be? As if the stroller might fall through, but you won't. Right. I don't get it. That's cuckoo. I weigh 185 pounds. He weighs 32 pounds. The stroller weighs four pounds. Maybe it's the wheel scuff. Not the scuff. Maybe the scuff. I'm wrecking my anal here, I can't figure out what. But a shoe can scuff, can it not? A shoe can scuff. A dress shoe scuff.

That's why you get bowling shoes, for the no scuff. Oh, I thought it was for like a slippy. I think it's a scuff thing. That makes sense. I think it's both probably. All right. Both thing. Scuff is enough.

Scuff. Scuff is enough. Scuff's enough. Yeah, so I just thought that was very strange. I'm like, no stroller. This could be a bit. Maybe. There's something there. I don't know what that is.

It's weird they make these rules that don't make sense, but then they just, they have to abide by them because they made them. Maybe they're just like, that's a bad look. Having a baby on the, I don't understand it because I'm like, the whole thing is held up. I mean, if fucking Rupert went out there, they would say, yeah, go on out there. But if you had a knife to your kid's throat

and took a photo, would they stop that? You know, it's about the look. But I guess they're not in charge of the knife. They're in charge of the edge. Yeah, the edge of the knife. Aha, I'm edging. Glowing like the metal on the charge of the knife, they're in charge of the edge. Yeah, the edge of the knife. Aha, I'm edging. Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife. Ooh.

Come on, yeah. All right, well yeah. So anyways, I couldn't bring the stroller out there and it felt like the no stairway moment in Wayne's world. I was like, no way. Did you do the Ferris Bueller? Ah, I think I see my dad. I did say, I think I see my dad.

Yeah. And nobody got it, which is annoying. But the glass leans out a little bit, so you can't do the lean out with the forehead. It's pretty cool. Boy, my nieces and nephews are coming this weekend. I'm sending them right to the edge. They're gonna shit a brick when they see that thing.

Go to the edge, it's cool. We took the ferry there. You can take the ferry, it's right there. There's a midtown ferry, it's right there. It's got blocks. And the other thing they have there is it looks like a honeycomb. It's called something else.

Oh yes, I know the honeycomb. Yeah, what the hell's that called? People were killing themselves on that. Yes, that's exactly right. They put nuts up. Oh yes, I know the nuts, yeah. It was like the iPhone factory in China. Like everybody was just jumping off.

It's so crazy to think people walk by and go, that's where I'll do it. Right. Isn't that nuts? And it was like very popular for suicide. Yeah that's Sarah saying how funny would be if she just went up there and killed herself just as like a goof. I guess take that. She'd just be another statistic though. I guess so. Get in the bin of dead bitches. Right I'd like it free me up a little bit you know. Sure well but then you're on baby duty full

time too. Well I'd find somebody that can keep an eye on him. Yeah he's eating half your breakfast he's basically self-reliant. Yeah he goes to bed at 7 p.m. I could start fucking then. Yeah that's primo fuck time. 7 to 10. We're working 7 to 10. Well we've been talking about this because Sarah's been riding her bike up the West Side Highway no helmet.. Oh, come on, Mack truck. And she posted, you know, a video. She's like riding. Oh, my God. And everyone goes, Oh, my God, we lost Kenny. You got to get a helmet.

I'm doing you dumb bitch. And she's like, they're crazy. And then Salacuse rides his bike down. He's like, I wear a helmet. I'm on the bike lane. I don't either. I've never I've never put on a bike helmet in my life, but we do know a guy who died whatever Yeah, but I had the start of leg

Well, if you're gonna follow your bike with no helmet, please die cuz I don't want a wife. That's like Good point scoop my feet off or whatever you get a hawking and then you're wiping her ass all day And she's scuffing the floors And then I'm like so now I gotta fuck a woman in our bedroom while she's like wheeling in like, Joe, you told me you'd help me, you know. I don't like to watch. Cause she's a good wife. She's like, if I get brain damage, just go, just leave me.

As you should. I feel the same. If I get brain damage, I get it. Get a, get Tyrone in here and really clean house. Yeah, just do it in front of me so I can enjoy it. Exactly. But anyways, send them to the edge. I will, I will. 50 bucks, it's a little steep.

Is that right? Yeah. Jeez, it's as much as the Asian 9-Eleven guy. They fall off the ceiling. No Jews in building. OK. We better straighten up and fly right into the building. Just to change the subject a little,

I had a kook on the train on the way here last night. Of course you did. Yeah, and a queue train. Kook train. Kook train, queueing on train at about, probably 11.30 I got on that puppy, made it home by midnight. You're taking the train at 11.30 to Brooklyn?

Well, I checked the Ubers, I checked the cabs, I checked the Q, and that Q was first. Okay. And cheap. And cheaper, but if it's coming anyway, might as well get on the Choo Choo. Sure. So I get on the Choo Choo, and it's a nice, somber, quiet Tuesday. To my caddy corner, crazy Asian. Oh boy.

I mean like. Great film. Like the guy, what's the guy in Kill Bill? Oh, Pai Mei. Pai Mei, yes, Pai Mei I. This guy had the long thing, bald with the side hair all the way down, gray, crazy robe, no shoes, filthy. It's like Tick-Nut Hun.

Yes, yes. Bye, my planet. And he's got a big jug of Mountain Dew, which clearly had vodka in it, because you would drink it and go, gah. Oh, wow. Fire water. And then he was smoking a joint. And he must have been 900 years old.

And he's just going, ah, ah, ah. And I'm just like, God damn it, here we go, I'm trying to make it home, and he was kind of minding his own P's and Q's, train, and then at some point, he just had one of those, I'm doing it, and he starts yelling, tees at the front of the train, he starts yelling to the rest of everybody like,

yeah, they're gonna come for all of you, it's all curtains for you in an Asian accent. Yeah, and so then you have that moment where like I'm the closest to him. And you're like, I could just switch cars, but I'm not letting him tell me to switch cars. Why am I switching cars for him? Right. And sometimes they switch cars. That's true. Because they're like, I've done enough damage here, let me go over there and spread the

message. Right, right. So he kind of catches, you know, that's the luck of the draw with these kooks. They just find someone and they just pinpoint a guy and they go, this is the guy I'll fuck with. Yes. And you hope it's not you. Right. That's the New York way.

And he finds a guy down the train, he's like, something about this guy, I don't like, fuck you, blah, blah, blah. And the guy's like, yeah, whatever. So then he gets up. Now I'm like four minutes away from my stop. Like, all right, I can get through this four more minutes. And then eventually he sits back down and I made the mistake of going, what's that guy up to?

And he catches eyes. Oh, boy. A slit Asian eyes caught me and he's fucked up. So those eyes are barely open. And he catches me and he goes, up. So those eyes are barely open and he catches me and he goes And I went oh and then he goes he does this one out of Fight Club. He goes He showed me his teeth. Oh, that's bad. That's bad. And I'm talking brown yellow And I'm not just talking about him. I mean these things were crooked and Like corn teeth,

just gross, orange teeth. Been there. Yeah. And so I go, and then he goes, ugh. And then we pull up to the stop. He stands up, I stand up, door opens, and he goes, ugh. And I just jumped off. This is your stop or you're just getting up?

Oh, it's totally my stop. I made it. Wow. It was like uncut gem zone. I was like, oh, how's this gonna end? And boom, we got out. Yeah, you gotta be careful because if his eyes turn red, they might fucking lazy you.

Like big trouble, little China. Right, right. I could have been in the flactor beam, but yeah, he got me. That's scary as hell. But of all the kooks, give me Asian. I like the Asian kooks the best. Agreed. Over the other brands. Well, Asian kook, a lot of bad has to happen for you to be an Asian

kook because you're talking Tiger Mom, cello, college, like all these great things that the Asians have. They've got the family structure. they're all well taken care of and they push them hard. And so the fact that this guy had no support system is really scary. Yeah, yeah. Plus they got the small dicks, the math skills. Oh yeah. Those help, I think. That's true. Well, like Luigi, that guy, he's killed a guy. He was smart as hell. Valedictorian, Unabomber, very smart. There's a pattern here.

Yeah, well, yeah, I guess smart is bad. Smart is bad. I'm glad I'm an idiot. Me too. Big tard here. But remember Chappelle's old joke? He's like, You see a white guy hanging out with a bunch of black guys? That is the scariest motherfucker in that group. Ernie, Go get him or whatever he says. That's a great bit, but that's how Asian kooks are. That's the scariest guy. Yeah, it's a good point. But I always think of, and this is just racist from 80s films, I do think of the old Asian kook

as like wisdom. Like I think he's sitting in a mountain telling me, you know, some Tao or some Thich Nhat Hanh or the other guy. Totally, I'm with you, but the guy had the Mountain Dew jug, the no shoes and the joints. So you're like, this guy's out on wisdom, that ain't Confucius. Right.

That's Lucius. I'm always confused by Confucius. He's Chinese, his name's Confucius? Oh yeah. What's going on there? Good point. He's Chinese, right? Why does he have a Greekish name?

Yeah, Confucius sounds very Greek. Or Latin, yeah. What's Chinese, right? Why does he have a Greekish name? Yeah, Confucius sounds very Greek. Or Latin, yeah. What's going on there? Why isn't his name like Confu-to-li-to-lu? Yeah, like Sung-Sow, or whatever that guy is. Sung-Sue? He was a great war general or something. Yeah.

It's usually Chu-chi-wachi-to-to. Sure, sure. Or whatever. That sounded more tribal or whatever. Right, right. You got a reading on this, Chuck? Why does Confucius sound Greek but just Chinese? Choochee watchee tootoo. Sure, sure. Or whatever. That sounded more tribal or whatever. Right, right. You got a reading on this, Chuck?

Why does Confucius sound Greek but just Chinese? It's pretty weird. It's like Columbus, by the way. No, it doesn't end in a vowel. The only Italian guy whose name was in a vowel. What's going on there? Should be Columbo. Yeah.

The name Confucius is a Latinized form of Mandarin Chinese. And the actual name was Confuci. Confuci. Confuci. I was a little Confuci'd myself. Yes, well that's the other thing is Confucius is gotta be where we get confusing. I don't know. I assume it's the root word and then, but he's all wise, wisdom, smart.

So it's the opposite of confusing. I don't think confusing from that confused Confuush. I guess that does sound right. Going back to Latin, all our words come from Latin origin anyway. But his name is originally Kampushy. Yeah, it's K-O-N-G, Kong, and then F-U-Z-I. F-U.

And then Latin. F-U-Z-I. And then Latin kind of changed it. Like, they Latinized it later on when they were telling the story or explaining what he did. That makes sense. It's kind of like, you know, Mickey what's his toes in the breakfast at Tiffany's. Mickey Rourke? No, Mickey Rooney.

Mickey Rooney! He taped his eyes back and did the big teeth, you know, didn't really hold up well. No, I'm much like this pod. Nah, this holds up great! Are you kidding? I like it, but if that doesn't hold up well, what does that say for us? That's not going to be pretty. It came 75 years later. That's true. So basically, the word confusing came from the Latin word confondere. To me, it means to pour together, mingle, or mix. And I'm wondering if that also has to do with confounding.

Because confusing. Confounding fathers. But it looks like it. OK. All right. All right, well, that's enough. We got the word etymology portion out of the way. It's all pipes.

You got that right. I'm glad you survived. I haven't had any kook run-ins in a little bit, I feel like. Well, you can sniff a kook. I can sniff a kook out. And I also now, I ride the train when it's busy, and I get in the middle car. The complete reverse of how it was the first 15 years

I lived in New York. Interesting. I'd go to the Total End. I wanted the place to myself. Now I'm the opposite. I want to travel at rush hour. And once that sun goes down, baby, I'm taking a car or walking or running.

Yeah, yeah. It's a gamble every time. You're rolling those dice of running into Kung Zou or Kung Zizou or King Kong or whatever, Kung Pow. But yeah, it was crazy. I mean, that guy, when he showed me the teeth, I was like, it's on. And you know when you have a moment like that, you start picturing how the fight's going to go.

Of course. You want to get ahead of it. You're like, all right, he's he's gonna charge me I'll donkey kick or whatever it is because that's the other thing about the hobos no one tells you you don't want to touch them. Exactly. They're filthy they're covered in human shit and fentanyl and all kinds of soy sauce and buffalo sauce from Chick-fil-A so you got a kick. That's what I kept saying. I kept avoiding kooks that were screaming in my face. People like, don't you do MMA? I'm like, yeah, I fucking do it for fun. I'm not looking to put an armbar on a fucking guy that hasn't showered since Reagan was president.

And not to mention, you get that guy at an armbar, he'll bite your fucking forearm. Now you got Hep C. Exactly. Or you kill him and you got to go to trial and all that stuff Nonsense old Daniel nickel you get to go to the ballgame with Trump though. That's kind of fun. Is that right? Yeah, I took him to the Army Navy game or something How about they should have taken my UFC it wouldn't make more sense. That's a good point get in there Benny Watch the fights today Burt was all over there was all Burt all all the time Bert Theo and Mel Gibson I was like comedy is we're out of pocket were they sitting together well they all took a photo together I don't know about sitting Theo front and center seeing Theo and Bert there yeah Schultz and

Schultz was oh Schultz was in the WWF oh yeah he's in the ring that's what I'm saying comedy has broken through weed the Hymen is pierced and we are in the Oval Office. We're in the ring. We're in UFC. We're everywhere. I don't know that it's great. I don't know it's great either. I don't think it's where we wanna be, but.

I like the basement in the nitty gritty at 2 a.m. with David Tell getting drunk and now we're at the inauguration. Right, yeah. There's no photo of Richard Pryor and Richard Nixon like holding hands, being like, coming at you. There's Elvis.

Elvis, yeah, fat old Elvis, about to die Elvis. Yeah, I bet Yang. That's something. He was a presidential candidate. Yes, he was, that's true. Now he's on the Q train, drawing his teeth at me. Are you sure? By the way, did anyone ever do this with the Holocaust,

the Juju train? Instead of a choo-choo train. Oh, that's good. Choo-choo. No, I've never heard it. Choo-choo. Juju. That's fun.

Sending them off to the thing. That could be something. Yeah, get the kajuse. Kajuse. He just died. O.J. Simpson. Oh, boy. The kajuse is loose. Well, we're on our last legs here at Tuesdays with stories, but...

We just started. I got some good stuff here. Yeah, hit me, fatty. Easy, big fella. Well, I lost my voice. Yes, what happened? Well, first of all, this baby is ruining my life. I feel like I have AIDS.

Oh, really? He gave you AIDS? How did he get it? I don't know, blood transfusion or something, vaccines. I don't know what the hell's happening, but I've been sick since fucking November. Yeah, that's a long haul. I mean, I haven't been healthy for more than 10 days

because this is the thing, you go to the playground and it happened today, I'm over there and there's a little boy, a little baby's 12 months old, whatever, he's gnawing on a fucking thing and then he puts it down. My baby goes, that seems like fun. So he starts gnawing on it and now I have herpes. There you go, well I'm glad you held my kid

for half an hour, that's a good sign. Well I'm better now, I'm fine now. I got right in his face too, I saw some spittle in on his face, but I'm all better. Kids got AIDS. I just got a remaining little, uh oh, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, I hear ya.

Well this is why it's good to neglect. You neglect, you don't get sick. That's a good point. I watched this movie, O Canada, Paul Schrader. O Canada, I like Schrader, I don't know O Canada. Are we annexed? Richard Gere and Umar Thurman. What?

But anyways, it's all about a guy who's a piece of shit, he keeps leaving his family. And what's his toes? Spider from Goodfellas. Oh, Imperiali? Yeah, there you go. Ah, well, let's change Richard Gere's. Star-studded event.

But anyways, so I go down to Nashville, Smashville, Gashville. Love the Gash. And last week, you remember, I was, and this is where it all stems from, I was talking about how great the roast was at Grove 34. And they gave me a cigar, they were like, here have a cigar you fucking fat asshole. They tried to keep me happy because I'm a big star over there.

The old Monica Lewinsky. So I smoke a cigar, it tastes like shit, I don't know what they're doing with their cigars, it was all old and crusty. And right after I finished smoking it I felt a little touch in the back of the throat. Oh, I felt a little touch in the back of the throat. Oh, I hate the touch. That little dry nasal... You know that first instance of a little thing?

Yes, that's bad news. Like, I feel a little thing, but I think it was an old stale cigar, tasted like a shoe. So I lift there, and then I wake up the next morning and you just have that little... Whatever. Yes, sinus drip. Doesn't feel like anything. That's nothing. I don't know.

I'm plowing right through that. I can't possibly be sick again, for God's sake. No. Fly out to Nashville, Smashville, which is also awkward, because last time I did Nashville, I just trashed the city on the show. Oh. Then you got to go back. Yeah, they don't like that.

But can I tell you, I stand by everything. Because sometimes you- Oh, come on. I'm going there in a week. Well, sometimes you what you're doing the Ryman which is legendary it's exciting but the city itself I love the people everyone's so friendly. Good eggs lunchtown. Great fans but you sometimes you go to a town you're like maybe I had a bad weekend I'm going in fresh. I like it. Everyone loves Nashville. I'm gonna love Nashville. New star, Clean Slate. Clean Slate. I show up all the same problems.

Ah, Jenny Slate. You try to park a car with your QR code. Get the app. Ah, I hate a QR. Why can't I just put my credit card against the thing? Boop. I love a doot, love a tap. It's all QR code.

Did you rent a car? Literally, I'm not even joking, I go to a parking garage. Did you rent a car, or is this your car? I'm like, what? I rented a car. Where'd you rent it from? I'm not joking. What is this, ice, the border?

What are we doing here? I'm like, Alamo, put the license plate. It was a breather. Give me your credit card number. It's fucking, it's gay. Yes, very gay. And then all the breakfast places line out the door. So I go, let's just go to my hotel.

We'll go to my hotel breakfast. We get there. You have a reservation? It's my hotel. You can't go to the Nazi. I live here. What are you nuts? I live here, exactly.

I go, no, I don't have a, you go to a fucking valet. There's one valet lady. Ooh. That was a gurgler. Val gay, I call it. I mean, I got this one girl. She looked like Costanza.

She had all keys around here. She's like, I need a bucket of water. She's sweating. And then literally they're trying to pull in and they're in like traffic over there, all trying to make a left turn into the parking garage. Okay. Because, or not parking, the valet shit.

It's just one girl and she's like, I'm down a man. I'm sorry. It'll be like 20 minutes. I'm like, 20 minutes? I got a gig in seven o'clock, step on it. Yeah, those days are precious. So it's just a mess in that city. It's all bachelorette parties and they're so proud of their music. We got music in the airport, we got music in the lounge, we got music over here. And you're like, I get it. I know you're the music city. We got it. Bachelats rep parties, country music, Willie Nelson, Taylor Swift. I'm trying to eat breakfast. Exactly. I'm like, all right. Everywhere I go, I got off my fucking elevator as a guy with a trumpet. I'm like, okay, thank you. You're taking a shit as a fucking slide guitar right there.

It's wonderful. I love it. I'm grateful, but it's a lot. It's a lot. Bluegrass, no one likes it. And construction everywhere. It's just exploding. It's cranes and traffic and the business. Well, you know what I always say, Nashville is LA meets Austin. It's got the honky tonk country, southern vibe, but it's also sceny, celebrity, rich

people and it can't keep up because it doesn't have the infrastructure. It was like a cute little Tennessee town with a one strip country music and leather boots and hats, and now it's being overloaded with yuppies and it can't hold. That's exactly right. So it's frustrating, but the hotel's killer. The club is one of the best clubs. They treat you so well there.

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get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.help.com slash Tuesdays. Get on it. So anyway, so we go there. I got Matt Wayne opening, of course. And you go down to Nashville, we do the Friday shows. They're fun, great shows, but I feel a little more crusty in my tits. A little throat crust. Hate a tit crust. Sell the shirts, and as we're doing merch, I'm like, I don't know, I'm not doing this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm OK.

It's fine. OK. No hindrance. Nobody is even noticing. But I notice. Yeah, and your voice is your instrument. That's all you got there, Fetty. That's all we got.

Wake up Saturday morning, go, all right, here we go. Saturday. And plus, that's a Friday, Fetty. That's all we got. Wake up Saturday morning, go, all right, here we go. Saturday, and plus that's a Friday, Saturday weekend. So the Friday, you don't get to hang much because you're flying in, you're like, I gotta go rest, whatever. So Saturday, I'm like, we got a full day. And Matt and I were like, we gotta go look at guitar stores, we'll go play guitars, that'll be fun.

We're gonna eat breakfast, we're gonna go to the gym. Great day. Then there's a Vandy baseball game, like we're gonna go to the baseball game. And I was doing that Movie Ruiners podcast. Remember that podcast? Oh, those are sweet kids. We're gonna go to the gym. Great day. Then there's a Vandy baseball game. We're gonna go to the baseball game. Woo-wee! And I was doing that Movie Ruiners podcast. Remember that podcast? Oh, those are sweet kids.

Fun guys. So I got a full dance card. Oh, you know, how's the weather out there? Because that Tennessee sky is a beauty. It's nice. It's not crazy. It's like 55. All right, I can take a 55.

Yeah, cool. Cool. I go, all right, I wake up and I stand up. I go, I say my prayers in the morning. I go, here God, allow me to suck someone off. And I go, oh no, my fucking throat is shot. Thank God you're on your knees. So I go to Starbucks.

I'm like, I just need a little hot tea, get a ginger shot. That'll get me going. Clean house a little. And I call Matt. I go, hey buddy, what time you wanna meet up? And I go, oh, and he goes, you sound like fucking shit. And I go, buddy what time you want to meet up and I go He goes you sound like fucking shit and I go no, I know it's gonna warm up. It's the morning That's like an old Chevy

That's what it feels like so we go and meet up and by the time we're done. We're hanging up like two hours I'm like That's the worst so now you're in like emergency mode. I gotta figure something out. Let me, let's break off all the plans. No plan. I'm going back to the room. I'm gonna turn the heat up in my room. Heat up.

Gonna take a half hour shower. Shower. I'm gonna meditate. Tate. Map. Andrew. Nap, I meant to say. Napping.

And I'll take some Tylenol coal. I'll get a couple of ginger shots. Got a smoothie. Yeah, good call. Well, way to handle this. I try. You're the throat goat. Can I do a quick side note?

Love a side note. You go to these like health places where they have the smoothies and the shots and stuff, you park yourself there. It's all hot ladies in yoga pants. That's true. That's a good hack. If you want to stare at some asses, go to fucking Julie's smoothie hut. Right, yeah, JSH.

And then you're sitting at the table, we're eating acai bowls, so we're right around ass height. You acai some ass. Some asshole. Asshole-y eyeballs. Sure. Some asshole, ass-ole eyeballs. Sure. And whatever. I'll take it.

But the people that go there, you don't have a bunch of Chucks and Rupert's going there because it's health food. No, you got that right. So it's all hot yoga ladies. That is brilliant because it used to be yoga, but that became too obvious. This is the new move.

And now they're wearing yoga pants, plus yoga, I'm exercising, I can't wear my glasses. I'm just perched here. I'm eating a bowl and looking at young cunts. It's the best day of my life. Gashville. So that's wonderful. Side note. Great note. Great side. Great ass.

Back to the regular note. Rupert's fat. So it goes without saying. Great ass. Back to the regular note, Rupert's fat. So, Goes without saying. We go, I go home, I got this ginger ba ba ba, take the nap, I wake up, oh my God, I can't fucking talk. Oh no. And it's bad, and I got nothing. You're Darth Vader. So I'm trying to go, ooh, ha,

I'm trying different ways. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. That's what I'm doing. And that's what I'm thinking and so I text my manager an agent and go hey listen up you Assholes, yeah, I got a let please let the club know give him a heads up. I don't know what I'm gonna do My voice is I'm running out of juice here. Yeah, I'm gonna try my best, but I'm taking ginger shots Whatever. Do we know what is it just sickness it just sickness or allergic? This is the thing. I feel 100%. Wow, you're RFK. I did a fucking half hour kettlebell.

I'm like, I feel great. Yeah, weird. I got no voice. This happens to me every few years. It happened to me in Cleveland one time. I don't know, it just happens. I wonder, yeah, I wonder if it's from the kid or from the cigar maybe? Maybe, I don't know. I've smoked three cigars in a day without having that.

Yeah, maybe you got a bad pull. I think it's a Grove 34 Rob Rigo cigar. He put AIDS in my cigar, something up. Yeah, Rigo's not your amigo. So anyways, so I go let the club know I'm going to do my best. And my agent writes back. He's like, they said they could add comics. You could do a little less time. Boy, what a club.

Very accommodating. Well, then they want to send a nurse. They're like, they're going to send a nurse to get you an IV. Oh, this is gold. But here's the thing. I'm not an IV guy. I don't like it. I don't get the IV business.

HIV? I like that. OK. But here's the thing, I'm not an IV guy. I don't get the IV business. HIV? I like that. Okay. I don't want to needle in my arm and sit there for an hour. It's a long time. Also, I'm like, well, I lost my voice.

That's not gonna give my voice back. Sure, you need one of these. Yeah, he's like a Botox. Yes, exactly. So I go, that's all right. We'll just get some ginger shots. That would be great, yada yada. And I go, I don't right. We'll just get some ginger shots. That would be great. Yada, yada. And I go, I don't know what I'm going to do. I got a text. Hey, you know, Nate Bargatze is in town.

He's the king of Nash. I go, he's in town. I didn't even bother reaching out to him because I just assume he's gone. He's never home. That's true. He's a busy, busy man. He's opening parks. I've never seen him in Nashville. Plus the last text I was like, will you watch my movie? Nothing. Boy, he lucked out. So I text back to Nate. I go, hey, are you in town?

He's like, oh yeah, I'm in town. I'm coming to your shows. I said, how do you feel about doing a little time? I got no voice. Now we're cooking. He goes, I see the bat signal and I'm coming. Hey, that's lunch. You got the biggest comic in the world coming. It's a total flip of mood because I'm like, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't know how I'm gonna do it.

I got the show. You don't want to cancel at 5 p.m. No, and you're already in the city. Exactly and I like the money too. Sure. So I mean I'm talking my voice is worse than you're thinking. Wow. I make RFK sound like, you know, fucking Pavarotti. Right, right, yeah. So Nate goes, I'm coming down. I'll do it. So I go, all right, I'll do whatever I can do. 25, 30 minutes.

Whoa. I'll bring out Nate. They'll be thrilled to see him. Everyone goes home happy. I love it. So we go there and. It's all pipes. It's exactly what happened. I go, I could we go there and... It's all pipes. It's exactly what happened.

I go, I could get through it. And Nate's like, you're not sick are you? I go, no, I just got, I lost my voice. Uh oh. I know, I'm a little nervous. You have no pipes. So we go down there, packed out, sold out show. And I said to Matt Wayne or whoever the host was,

I said, just let them know I got a cold because you got to brace them. Like I doing my best I lost my voice it'll be okay sometimes they appreciate that look at this guy came it's the flu game I I think that's what happened so I walk out there and now they've been warned I have no voice I've lost my voice I gotta try to get this tape I have the audio I'll maybe I could cut that okay I walk out the crowd goes crazy yeah hot crowd Saturday night the Tuesdays came out you get a big pop. That's lunch now. I'm standing At the microphone I have not talking yet because they're going crazy. Yeah, which I appreciate But I go when they hear this they're gonna shit because it's so much worse than they're thinking that Kenny

We get a hum a few bars. I just give me like a What it sound like? Did it sound like Kermit? I sounded like this. Oh wow, that's bad. I'll pull up the recording. Okay, I can't wait to hear it. It is, maybe I can pull it up right now.

Should I try to pull this up? Yeah, if you want. I mean, this is very exciting. I think I got it. I think I can hear it in my head, but I want to be sure. Let me see, what night was that? Oh yeah. Saturday night, baby. Speaker night baby. By the way it

says I use this AI named it bad night frustrations insecurities and sickness. Down with the sickness. That's Matt Wayne. Okay big pop they're going nuts. You can always tell when they see you. They clap, let them see you and it gets more of an ovation. Oh wow! That's horrible! I blew so many guys last night! You talked to him! I blew so many guys last night. You cocked to it.

It's horrible, I'm sorry. I sound like fucking, you know, Tom Waits or something. Wow. It'll come, don't worry. Or it'll get worse, I don't know. This is crazy. Does anybody know any jokes? I sound like fucking, what's his toes?

RFK? No, the fucking... Harvey Fierstein. I don't know, one of those wheelchair people. Hawking? Babe Ruth? The crazy thing is it's not just the gravelly hoarseness, it sounds like you're struggling to get it out.

Yeah, it was painful. I blew a couple guys. It's not smooth, it's not like, I blew a couple guys. It was painful. I blew a couple guys. It's even, it's not smooth. It's not like, I blew a couple guys. It's like, I blew a couple guys. And it's 30 minutes of this, by the way. Wow. I'm so sorry.

You should get your money back. I'm sorry. You're still being funny. Look at this. This is immunity. No, it's good. It's orange. Oh yeah.

What was that? An animal. Orange juice? I had a ginger shot. What was that? Well, orange juice? I had a ginger shot. So the girl was like, oh, god. And then another lady kept yelling, local honey. I was like, I had some honey. And she's like, it has to be local honey.

And I'm like, all right, local honey, fuck you. Shut up. But anyways, yeah, so it was 30 minutes of that. Wow, man. I can't even do the impression of it, but you heard it, obviously. That is wild. Boy, thank god for the audio, it really paints a pic.

But you're sitting there going, they're all excited to see you, and you're like, oh, you don't understand how bad this is going to be. Totally. But it ended up being fun, and they were so supportive and with me. I actually think it was one of the best shows I've done in Nashville, even though it hurt. You got a gimmick now, and they're with you. You can't be more locked in than that. Right.

Yeah, I kind of pulled them in. Everyone was together. And then I got to bring out Nate and they went fucking ape shit. It was fun because I was like, I don't know if I can go on. I mean, I should do more time. I'm really sorry.

But one of my good buddies happened to be down the street. Ladies and gentlemen, Nate Bargazzi. Everyone goes fucking crazy. Hell yeah. Which was fun. And then Nate was like, that happened to me one time in Louisville, and I just did my full time. Ah!

I got a big pop. That's a classic Nate line. No, he can't not hurt your feelings. Yeah, that's what he does. So it was great, ended up being a great night, and it was fun because they just kept bringing ginger shots and tea, and it kept getting worse. It was the night of the fight,

so we stayed up late watching the fight. Oh, wow. And you know me, I'm a social guy. I can't not, everyone's like, rest your voice. But I'm like, I got zingers. I know. You need like one of those, you know those things that have like the words that go by on a phone?

Yes, that's what I wanted. Well, here's the other thing is I got Matt Wayne, and then Keith Alberstadt, he was doing the other room. So I'm like the middle man. I'm the straw that stirs the drink. I'm like, Nate, do you know Matt? Matt likes Seinfeld too. But so I'm like this, he's like, good God.

You're the nucleus, but you're crippled. I'm crippled, and I kept trying to be like, this fight looks like 2K guys. And they're like, what? Oh, fuck. Your instrument, it's gone. you're trying to play a broken trumpet Yeah, I've been there though this this has happened like once every couple years I've had this and that you can't relate to the audience how much this sucks, right?

It's like you're trying to fight in a box imagine one hand behind your back and you feel terrible because you're like well I didn't want to cancel. I don't know which is worse. I know. I know. If I just gave you your money back and came back another night. That's what Nate was saying. He's like, I could go back and do the same jokes. Like you can book Nashville again in two weeks. Right. Because I'm like, come back and hear these jokes for real. I know. I know. It's tough, but it makes you realize

it's going to be controversial. But Dis disabled comics, as hard as that was, you got more of an in than a regular skinny white guy. Oh, of course, yeah, no, I would kill to be retarded. Oh, you'd clean up. Maybe the best. Yeah, especially as a comic, you're the retarded comic, what a gimmick, you know, gay guy, fat guy, retarded guy, he's selling tickets.

But enough about Rupert. Sure. Sure. Oh. I mean, like Brad Williams, he's a dwarf, you know? He's a mutant. You're gonna sell tickets like crazy. Maybe we should hack our legs off or shave our heads or become women.

There used to be those roast battles. There was one guy, he was a killer joke writer, but he also happened to be like a pretzel, and he was in a chair, and he would go out there and go, I fucked your mother, and they'd be like, ah, because that guy said I fucked your mother, and that's the 800% more laughs. If I say I fucked your mother, it's not gonna get a laugh

because people go, he probably did, look how hot he is. There's nothing there, but you have a built-in comedy system already. Right. A gimm is. There's nothing there, but you have a built-in comedy system already. Right. A gimmick. We got through it. Yes. Great night. And it was very annoying. Did you watch the fights?

I did. We stay up late. It's like midnight. I'm like, all right, I'll watch the last fight. That fight sucked. Nothing happened. It was boring. The final title fight was just kind of like, eh. Well, that guy is never lost. So that was a pretty big deal. Well, but it wasn't a thrilling fight, though. I guess, but seeing that guy go down, I was like,

what the fuck? The towers are falling. I guess so, but it was just kind of, there was no like, whoa, a flurry and a crazy thing. He tapped, oh! Yeah. It was just kind of like, all right, we went the distance. Who's going to win?

It's going to be close. OK. And they stretch those motherfuckers. It's like an Adrian Brody acceptance speech. They put the fight at midnight or 1230. That's what I'm saying. And then it ends. And I go, all right, well, I got a 7 AM flight in NACOs.

By the way, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news. And he says it sarcastically because he does. He goes, you're springing forward. You're losing an hour. Oh. I go, you've you gotta be shitting me. What a cunt. I stayed here, watched this whole sporting event that was lackluster. Now I gotta wake up at five. So I had three hours sleep and walk with no voice. Yeah, that hour, losing that hour. Can we get rid of this savings time? Get rid of it like the

Native Americans or Blockbuster. We're done with it. But keep it like this where it stays light later, because I love the light till 7. Yeah, yeah. Light till 7 is big, but just keep it that way all year round. Sure, yeah, we'd love to add an hour. Nothing better when you add an hour, especially when you have that flight, but losing an hour is a cum guzzler. Yeah, it's weird because you gain an hour of sleep, which is good, but then it gets darker earlier, which is bad. Yeah. Then you lose an hour of sleep, which is bad, but you gain an hour of sleep, which is good, but then it gets darker earlier, which is bad. Then you lose an hour of sleep, which is bad, but you gain an hour of light, which is good. I guess, yeah, they take the good with the bad. But yeah, that fight, that Gagey fight, he's my favorite fighter, and no one got knocked out. That is a little lackluster.

All right, I have one more little thing here. Please, please. If you're ready. Do you want to go, or then I'll go back? I'm worried about your esophagus here. Oh Don't worry about it. Let me just say one thing, please say a bunch of it's not that not that great of a story, but I Had an idea cuz I'm doing the Ryman speaking of Nashville and I go I really want to sell this thing out We're almost there. I just want to give it one last kick in the dick and

So I said hey old Sally. Let old Sally, let's do a promo. Love the Sal. He's a promo guy. Sam Jay, Chris D's doing the garden. So everybody calls the Q's to cut a quick clip. Sure. So I call him up, and I go, I'm doing the rhyme, and I got an idea for a dumb promo.

And he goes, I love it. And I did the dojo. So I said,, I love it. And I did the dojo. So I said, let's do it on the way to the dojo. And the idea was, I'm going to Nashville, the flights keep crashing, I'm too scared to fly, I'll hitchhike. Not bad. But I'm dressed as a gay cowboy, Daisy Dukes,

you know, sleeves cut off, little pink cowboy hat, boots. And I'm out there on the highway, it's a fun image. Very fun. Fun image, and so we go out to the New Jersey Turnpike and I put the outfit on. I walk out to the highway, cars are driving by going, hey, trainee. And I'm like, hey, how you doing? It's very embarrassing. And then we go, what if we fake blow salakas? It needed a button. You got the image, you got the visual with this, but it... No ending. It's not popping. It's not popping.

So I go, how about I blow you? And so I blew him in the car. And that was it. We made his van look like a truck, so we just kept it tight frame on the window. What's this guy doing? What is this guy doing? Looks like my manager. No, he's just stopping and adjusting. He's putting something away. Using the gate as a prop up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just moving something into the something. All right, I thought he was dropping a bomb off or something. It could be. So yeah, we had a great time shooting this. We went in the public restroom there. We did a whole gay thing for a good time, called B. Oh, that's great.

We had a blast, and I hope it helps, because otherwise I'm just on video blowing salacues. Well, either way, it's funny. Look, I pulled out an old school Marlboro. Marlboro Red. Hell yeah. I think cigarettes are making a comeback. Oh, they're back, baby.

It's like retard. Cigarettes are back, and, uh, yeah, I... I forgot what I was going to say, but, yeah, Salacuse, it's awkward, because I'm in his lap in a car... Yeah. ...doing that, and then you wait, you look up, and there's a big camera there.

Can I see this? Yeah, it's on my Instagram. Oh, all right, I got to get in there. I got to unblock you. If it doesn't sell out, though, I'm going to be ashamed of myself. Oh, it'll sell out. Because the Ryman's not huge. What's that, 3,000? Yeah, something like that. That's a lot of tickets. Right, but it's not, you know, a stadium. You'll sell it. Alright, I appreciate it. I hope you're right.

Yeah, I think so. When's the show? April 3rd. Oh, you got plenty of time. April 3rd, the Ryman. That's what I always talk about. Travel for this. Go see Mark at the Ryman. Get an Airbnb, a hotel, whatever, because that theater, that's what I did for Brandy Carlisle years ago. I went to see them. I'm like, I got to go to the Ryman. I got to see this venue. Good for you.

You like an artist, go see him at the coolest fucking venue. It's the best room it's a milestone I've always wanted to do it you know Bill Burr and a special there the Grand Old Opry it's beautiful it's church beauts it's all wood it's in it's like rounded out it's incredible. It's awesome we got there early I went to Brandy Carlisle I went like 45 minutes early cuz I'm like I wanted to drink it in. Yes. You want to touch every square foot of that thing you're up in the balcony the pews the thing. Hear hear. in the balcony, the pews, the thing.

Hear, hear. I mean, it's the Grand Ole Opry, all that stuff. So. Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson, you name it, all the races. If you're within five hours of there, get a plane ticket, drive, hitchhike. I appreciate it. And I believe it's the Nashville Comedy Festival, whatever

that is. So it's all a big, like, Kill Tony's doing a thing there. It's a big to do. Is it the Wild West Festival? Because they have all those posters for Wild West, but I never heard of anybody. Maybe, maybe. Give it a go. I never heard that before, but every poster in the green room is the Wild West Festival. And it's crazy. It's like every person. Oh, yeah. That's more like it. Yeah, that was a trumpet coming out of the elevator in Nashville.

Donald Trumpet coming down the escalator. See that Tesla commercial? That was wild. Infomercial. They should have the black and white version where he's trying to get into a regular car and he's fumbling with the handle and then he goes to the colored version and it's Tesla. Can you fucking imagine, I mean people are, alright skip over this part. Can you imagine if Barack Obama was in front of the White House fucking selling Newport cigarettes going hey there you go baby. Yeah get some Hennessy. Pretty wild. Everybody reach out and buy some Hennessy. This is a fucking I mean it's crazy it's just a literal commercial in front of the fucking White House which is against the law by the way. Is that right? Yeah you can't use

the office for that kind of shit. Public? Public office, yeah, it's called the Hatch Act, or the Ham Act, or the Harold Act, Harold Kumar Act. John Ham Act. That's fucking insane. He's like, I'm gonna buy one, I can't drive, I haven't driven in years, but I'm gonna get, he's getting in there going, wow, this is nice, look how comfy this is.

He's a salesman. Can you imagine the reaction of all of our right-wing buddies if Joe Biden was hocking fucking Chevrolets in front of the White House. Oh man, I'd love to see it. Get yourself a new Chevy, Corn Pop. He's eating ice cream in the front seat. Just, that's all I'm saying. Just imagine the reaction if someone else did it. That's all. Thanks for the nice messages, everybody. All right. What are you gonna say, Chuck? Nashville Comedy Festival is what it's called. Okay. And it was founded in 2003. So it's not new at all.

Oh, wow. It's weird we haven't heard that much about it. What's Wild West? Do you know what I'm talking about? That's Vince Vaughn's. Oh, OK. Does that still happen? I believe it does.

I think they just had it last year in the Christmas time. It was like, I remember Nate did it. Kid Rock was there. Shane was there. Yeah, I think that was Wild West. Okay, because I'd never really heard about that. And then there's like, yeah, these huge posters. Exactly, Kevin Hart, Shane Gillis,

Jerry Seinfeld, Wild West Festival. I'm like, I never even heard of this fucking thing. Yeah, yeah, a lot of fests in Nashville, I guess. This is 2003, I didn't even know about it. Great city, one of the best cities, I like it. Hell of a town, QR code. Easy to get breakfast and park. Oh yeah.

So the morning after the show, we're flying back, Matt Wayne and I flying back to New York City. Lose an hour. We're on 90 minutes flight, yeah, sleep. Go there, you know me, I love Starbucks. And now, by the way, Delta, they changed their qualifications for the lounge. Oh no!

I used to have a plus two, I have a plus zero now. What? I can't bring anyone in. Oh my lord. Which is annoying, cause I only fly with other people. So it's this awkward moment with either your wife or your opener, you gotta be like, all right, I'll see ya. Yeah, that is the toughest moment.

I can't do it, so I said, oh fuck it, I don't need to go to the lounge. So we go to Starbucks, bit of a long line, not crazy, bunch of people waiting. Now tell me what you think of this, and I feel like you'll be on my team because you're a good friend. We'll see.

So I've never even seen this. They have a woman, a large, wasted, butted, busty, fat piece of shit. She's a real female Rupert. I see. He's not a piece of shit, he's a real female Rupert. I see. He's not a piece of shit. He's just a great, great guy. We love Rupert.

I'd take it back, Rupert. You're the man. He's a good egg. Chuck Stinks, Rupert rules. So anyways, her job, she's on the other side of the couch. She's on our side of the counter. Weird. And she just calls out the names of the people.

That's her gig. Her whole job. She goes, Susan, Susan. Right. And she's yelling it very antagonistic, like angrily, as though we're all like, where's my drink? Yeah. She's going, Mark, Mark, and screaming.

Oh, I don't care for that. And I'm like, I don't understand. So your whole job is just to say the names? Yeah, what are you, a teacher? Usually the people behind the counter are the ones saying the name. Yeah, of course. They just go, yeah, yeah, Joe.

And also the name is on the cup. So you can walk up and go, all right, Bob, Dave, Rupert, extra large, you know, whatever. Sure, Rupert is extra large. Find your name, yeah. So I don't really understand her whole gig, but whatever. Every once in a while she'll go like this, can y'all back up?

Oh. Y'all gotta back up. I love the back up lady. But we're also like, it's a normal amount of space and we're not like, where's my track? Yeah. We're all just standing, like everyone's just standing there quietly with their hands in there, whatever.

We're not charging the capital here, sister. Exactly. So already I'm like, what's the deal with this lady? What's the deal? Who are these people? So I get my tea, I get my coffee. Now, Matt ordered a muffin, I ordered two butter croissants. Damn, doubling up, eh, Fetty? Well, I don't have access to the fucking lounge, so this is my only food for the next five hours. So you stayed out as a solidarity.

That's what I do. Wow, Matt Wayne, I hope you appreciate that, you slimy cunt. What the hell is this lady doing? I don't know, everyone loves to stop here. It isn't about my stoop, people, it's like a bus stop. This is where the gate begins. There's no gate before this.

It's like a big blank building, so you can first like rest on a stoop or a gate. I guess so, bad spot. Plus it starts It's like a big blank building. So you can first like rest on a stoop or a gate. I guess so. Right. Bad spot. Plus it starts to look like a home here. I mean, you walk three feet that way. It's...

Harlem. Oh. Where's nightmare? Like six inches over there. So this is where it gets nice. This is the line. There's redlining and we're on the other side. Absolutely. You're in the, you're in the free land or whatever you call it.

In the gated community. So we got some warm food and it's crowded because it's the Starbucks. So we're waiting and waiting and then the lady goes this, y'all it's going to be 15 minutes. If you all ordered food, it's going to be 15 minutes at least. What is this? What is this service? This new trend of the angry employee. You have a job. I don't want to be that guy, but why are we the bad guy? We're trying to give you money. We're trying to buy the services you're providing. And I can't express how she's just furious. Nobody's doing anything. It's like six in the morning.

Everyone's just sitting there like, oh, haven't had my coffee. Oh, I hate this woman. Wait, not my drink. So she's handing out the drinks, and she goes, it's gonna be 15 minutes. And I go, 15 minutes? Start like starting now or starting when?

Also I'm like, well, you shouldn't be the one that says that. The person at the register should say that. So when I say, can I get a blueberry muffin? She should say, you can, but it's gonna be 15 minutes. Why are you telling me this after I've ordered the item? That's a good point. That doesn't make any sense.

You gotta let a brother know. Because we're already ordered. So now, just now I'm finding out it's a 15 minute wait. I might not have ordered if I knew. Of course, people got planes to catch. Yes. At 15 minutes is like 12 minutes longer than normal. Of course, it's a muffin. Exactly. So luckily I'm a nice guy, I'm patient you know and we got time where they're early so I go alright 15 minutes and I thought it meant starting, because now we're swamped.

Yeah. So we wait and wait and wait and wait. Uh-oh, here we go. Thanks for muffin. And this lady's yelling at everybody, stand back, yelling the names. Jesus Christ. And I'm like, this lady sucks.

Yeah. She sucks. She has a job that doesn't exist at any other Starbucks ever. And she's saying it so antagonistically. I don't get, I used to wait tables if I fucked up I got yelled at or I would apologize profusely. I was never like, ah you get it when you get it dick cheese. What is this new trend in service? So we're just getting shouted at the whole time and it's like it's loud and after 15 minutes

she goes, oh that was the other thing, a bunch of people start getting their food and leaving. So now I'm going to just broach this and she's scary. Of course. She's a big lady. I'm terrified. Does she live around here, if you know what I mean? Oh yeah.

I see. So this is the scariest group of people. Large black women. Oh yeah. As far as interactions go. Yes. I mean you're talking, you know, school shooter, white men. Good point. Good point. Serial killer, white men. Yeah, exactly. So we're not, you know, we're just painting pictures here. Yeah, a lot of paint. So I go, pardon me, I can't help but notice everybody before us is gone. They got the thing. And she goes, I said it's gonna be 15 minutes. We got one oven. I can't do anything about that. And I go, okay, well I'm just, the thing is... This is my nightmare. I'm just saying, I'm just

noticing a lot of people that got hot food and it's croissants and it's also heated food. Right, right. Just gotta preheat it. I watch them order come and go. Yes. And she goes it's coming as fast as it can okay what's your name? What'd you order? I go it's Joseph I had two croissants and a muffin. Oh god. So now I'm terrified. By the way I have no voice. My voice is worse than this. It's the next day. Oh right, right. So I'm like this now. Oh my god. Who can yell at that? You, right. So I'm like this now. Oh my God. Who can yell at that? You're disabled. So I go, exactly, I'm disabled.

Yes. So I go, I'm sorry. You should have a parking spot. And then she goes, it's 15. So then after me, she does like a subtweet thing. She goes, 15 minutes for food. Very passive aggressively because I've just asked. Sure. Oh, I see.

And so now we hate each other. So I said this. I go, you have to tell those people. You got to tell people in line, not the people waiting. You should be telling the people who are in line that the food takes 15 minutes. OK, good on you. And she looks at me like, how dare you?

Now I'm not trying to be a dick. I'm like, this is the information you need. You're telling the wrong people. But you're right, and that's why that pisses her off even more, because you're dead on. So she stares at me like, who the fuck are you? But I'm like, well somebody needs to tell you this, because your system is fucked. Of course. The people who haven't ordered should know that it takes 15 minutes. Not the people who

already ordered. 100%. That the lady at the registry should be saying it, who couldn't have been more pleasant, by the way. And why are we in trouble? We ordered food, you're taking a long time, you're yelling at us, why are we the bad guy? Yes. You're the bad guy, you're fucking up.

You have one oven, like the Holocaust. I know that everybody hates her. Of course. Because they're all nice and friendly and whatever. You got the people on your side. So then she, after staring at me, like rolling her eyes, she does turn to the people in line and say, it's gonna be 15 minutes.

So it's like, so I'm an asshole, but also you did realize that this is what you should do. Yeah, that pisses her off even more. And by the way, a couple of people in line go, oh fuck, let's just get out of here. Like they leave cause they needed that information. Of course we got planes falling out of the sky. We'll go somewhere else and get a doughnut or whatever. Female pilot. So then I get my croissants. She goes it's almost next. She's like here Joseph,

croissant. Oh yeah. Thank you. Attitude. But haven't got the muffin. Oh I forgot about the muffin. And by the way I got the croissants exactly 15 minutes it was 629 I ordered and whatever Wow 44 so it was exactly 15 minutes I'll give her that she did nail that okay even though I was only told after I had ordered true that so I got the croissants and I'm eating my croissants now Matt is furious and he's got nothing to eat except his cock small meal I'm eating the croissant. I finished both my croissants.

Still no muffin. Interesting. Now we're at 25 minutes. We ordered. Hope you got the receipt. Oh, I got the receipt. Here's a little sticker. Okay.

We ordered two butter croissants and a blueberry muffin, now 25 minutes ago. Oh, wee. At Starbucks. So she's over the time. Blueberry muffin. Yeah, that's crazy. They heat it up. It's already in the case. So now I come back cooking it. I come back over and she already hates me and she knows I'm standing there. I go, I'm sorry.

We're waiting on a blueberry muffin. Yeah, it's been 25 minutes. Sure. And she goes, sir. Oh, here we go. I can't help how fast the food comes out. She goes, okay, I can't help it. It's we got one oven over there and I go 25 minutes. She goes, can we get him a muffin? He needs a muffin. Oh my god, that's so passive aggressive. And I go, you're a rude person. Whoa! And dude, this is a race war.

She fucking stared at me like Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan at the Pontiac Silver Dome. Wow. She was like, fucking doing that. Oh my lord. It was fucking nuts. I was like, you're rude. I'm like 25 minutes, and I have literally no voice.

You can barely hear me. I'm like 20, and I'm pointing at the time. Like 25 minutes. Wow. To a blueberry muffin. Wow. I was like, this is insane. It's an outrage. Insane. And I'm pointing like that. I'm like, I'm giving her the blueberry muffin. Wow. I was like this isn't this is insane. It's an outrage It's insane and I'm pointing like that. I'm like I'm giving her the good

You're Luigi you're taking down the man and she's looking at me like roll eye roll and she goes Can I just get a blueberry muffin? I go. I don't care if it's warm I don't care if it's fucking ice cold my friend needs breakfast. We got a plane to catch Yes, and so of course they just bring over a blueberry muffin, not warm but delicious, put it in the bag, hand it off. I'm like thank you, thank you, thank you, 25 minutes for my muffin. Oh my god. It was like straight Larry David shit. It was nuts. Again, why are you the bad guy? I've done nothing wrong! You're Clint Eastwood, you're taking her down. And then I went what a douchebag, quite audibly. And as we're walking away, there was a moment where I was like,

she might fly up and hit me with her burst, the steel burst. Scary sherry. That's true, yeah. But it was intense. What a scene. Oh, it was a scene, baby. Holy shit. You hear that, Starbucks?

This is why we go to Dunkin' Donuts. Get your fucking act together. Get your employees in hand, cause this is out of control. Well I wanted to report them and get her name. Again, this is a position that doesn't even exist anywhere else. I know.

Well they all probably hate her in the kitchen, so they're like, Cheryl, get your fat ass out there and start yelling at people, cause that's what you wanna do. You're not cookin'. But it's one of those, you just wanna be like, I don't know, like put your, just flip positions. I know.

By the way, no apology, no like, we're sorry about that. No joke, 25 minutes for one blueberry muffin at Starbucks. Yeah, you know what's actually a pretty good move, and I know we got to go, but I've done this before with these kind of people. That sounded bad. These mean type. Yes, of course. You go, they're, they're, they're

cunty and weird and attitude. And you just go up and you go, are you mad at me? Right. And then they kind of malfunction because they're like, what? No, because they think they're doing good. She's out there handling business and helping everybody. Right. When she doesn't realize she's coming off as a quite the coups. So you just go, oh, are you mad at me? What? What's up? And they go, what? No. Oh. And especially with hecklers. Like, you ever have the crowd like this, the guy in the crowd,

you go, are you mad? Right. And he's like, what? Oh, no. Because then they look, you flip it on them, now they're the bad guy. Exactly. And they feel like, okay, well, the weird thing about this too is like, she's not even in the weeds. Like, these people are the ones making the coffee and go, I got make six drinks, holy shit, I got three muffins. Like, there's no stress on her. Her job is to take whatever and go, oh Pete, Shelley, Stu, like I'm like, why are you acting like you're in the weeds?

You're not even working. It's cause she has a little power, because she's got the apron on. And when people get power, they get corrupted. It's like this- Trump? Well, yeah, I was gonna say this they get corrupted. It's like this- Trump? Well, yeah, I was gonna say this Me Too lady. Have you heard of this lady?

Some lady at Meta, she's a lesbian and she's been Me Too-ing all the female gals that just got in trouble. Oh. And then you know, it's like men are toxic, but it's a powerful person in a position of power and she's Me Too-ing everybody because she's human. Right.

It's not a man-woman thing, it's a power thing. And this fat apron whore is a big powerful bitch. Fat apron whore, put them in the music festival. Right into wet rabbi. We gotta wrap it up, but I gotta plug my movie. Hoo hoo hoo. Great film, it's a tearjerker, it's funny, it's a hell of a doc.

Where the hell is it? My Christ, I got the list of the cities that it's coming out to. Coming out to. List. All right, the movie Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian. These are the cinemas it is for sure coming to.

Quad Cinema, right here in New York City, starting April 25th. Atlanta Midtown Art Cinema. That is May 9th. These are all May 9th. Cambridge, Massachusetts, Kendall Square in fucking Cambridge. Then the landmark at the Glenn in Chicago. May 9th. Landmark at the Glenn. Houston, Philadelphia, San Francisco all May 9th. That's Philly, Houston, San Francisco, Chicago, Boston, Atlanta, Los Angeles, April 25th. That's at the Sunset 5 on Sunset Boulevard, Quad Cinema New York, April 25th. Across the country in cinemas. Please go see it in the movie support independent cinema for the love of Christ.

Hell yeah. And also a bunch of comedy dates of course too. I'm coming to Minneapolis, Rochester, Cleveland, Hilarities. I'm coming back to the whole New England tour. Doing Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Portland, Maine, Burlington, Vermont, Northampton, Massachusetts, Boston, Massachusetts. Get on the Punch Up page. We're doing it. Beautiful. Marcus. As you know I'm at the Ryman in Gashville Nashville Asheville. It's going to be a hoot. It's going to be a holler as part of the Nashville Comedy Fest if you hadn't heard. That's on April 3rd. After that I'm going

to Reno at the Atlantis Resort and Casino. Very excited about that. What else is there. Napa, California, Santa Barbara, California. Let's see. Ah, shit. The Granada Theater in Santa Barbara. Shit, I already said that. Bristol, Tennessee, going back to Tennessee. Asheville, North Carolina, make-up date.

New Brunswick, New Jersey, Ithaca, New York, Rochester, New York, Portchester, Albany, to name a few. And then I'm going to the UK. So we'll see you all in hell. Get your fucked up teeth and your bad weather and your shit food. And we're going to yuck it up. Rupert's fat. Chuck, what do you got? Woo!

Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable, with Ray Harrington and Brad Rohr. I think we'll be doing a live show on May 4th at the Comedy Connection in East Providence, Rhode Island. May the 4th be with you. Narragansett Beer is our new sponsor and they asked us if we'll do like a live show that kind of includes them. And they have access to all the Jaws stuff. They own copyright to it. Jaws?

All the Jaws stuff. So we might do like a Jaws live show or make it part of it. Yeah, we're thinking about incorporating it. But yeah, funbearablepod.com. A new episode every Wednesday. A lot of fun stuff. Check out Fun Bearable. Hell yeah, folks. You heard it here first. Queef it up.

We'll see you now. Praise Allah. God bless. God bless.