Tuesdays with Stories! - #598 Folksy Jokesy

Episode Date: April 1, 2025

Mark is witness to an underage planned fistfight film shoot on his stoop! Joe's acting career is blooming (unrelated)! Mark goes on Adam Ray's Dr. Phil Live with Andrew Santino and Chevy Chase! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show & try your first month of BlueChew for free, just pay $5 for shipping. Use code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com - Support the show and get 15% off your Huel order, plus a free gift (Minimum $75 purchase) with code TUESDAYS15 at https://huel.com/tuesdays15

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody!

Ah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me and I can't choose Wow! Hey, hey folks! Here we are! We're back! I'm on no sleep, the baby's crying,

you're gay, we're doing it! We're coffeeing up! Coffee up! I'm saw you at Starbucks, so's crying, you're gay, we're doing it, we're coffeeing up. Coffee up, I saw you at Starbucks, so nice to see you in the outside world. I don't see you in a club or here. That's true, yeah, some comic, you ever see Dave Attell? I saw him on a bike once in the day. What?

I pinched myself, I thought I saw a witch on a broomstick. Was it a unicycle up high with a little tiny wheel behind it? The Penny Farthing? Yes. No, no, he was huffing, you know, Was it a unicycle up high with a little tiny wheel behind it? The penny farthing? Yes! No, no, he was huffing, you know, he was going at it, he had a nice coffee on one hand and I was like, whoa, look at that, that's David Tell. And they said that homeless guy with seven hoodies, I said, yeah, trust me, he's funny. I can't fathom David Tell in the day time or on a bike?

City bike, which means he had to check in, pull the bike out, I mean, the whole thing's's crazy and the fact that he was up in the day I've never seen I think there's a new porn store opened on 6th Street. He had to go check it out Well, we say this all the time about day. He's the most mysterious. I can't picture. What does his wallet look like? What's in there? He talks to his mother. What does his mother look like? What does he say to his mom? Does he is he roasting her? Is he crowd working his mother, what does his mother look like, what does he say to his mom? Does he... Is he roasting her? Is he crowd working his mom?

I came out of there, whoa, you know, it's good to be back. And then his wall, that picture, he was opening it and just those fuzzies come out, those raaah, like out of a peanut can. Like snakes. Snakes, snakes. Yeah, it's hard to... He's a fascinating guy. Who else is a mysterious comedian?

Well, Eddie Murphy's got a little something where you're like, what's he thinking about all day? Right. Well, there was a big talk that he was coming back. There was a Rolling Stone interview that was like, oh, here he comes. Can you imagine the pressure? He was the funniest guy on the planet. Everybody loved him. Phenom, you know, prodigy of comedy. Came out the gate at 17, kickin' ass. Now everybody's like, what are you going to do? What's going on? And I think he's just like, I can't live up to it. Right. Because to be, to do another act, you have to bomb. Well, you can't go bomb.

This is the problem we talk about this too. There's a lot of stinkos out there that don't want to do the work. And I know it's hard because a lot of you guys are roofers and plumbers and you have real jobs. When I say work, I mean relative comedy work. Yes. These comedians, they don't want to listen to sets. They don't want to rewrite. They don't want to do spots. They don't want to run around town and try a new thing and go up with nothing. Yep. So the greats, I think, know that it takes that. Right. I think they're like, I'm going to come back. I got some ideas ideas, and they go, but what am I gonna do? Run the idea, then bomb, then eat shit.

And you have to have everyone leave going, Eddie Murphy sucks now. Right, exactly. Because you go see Rock, who's one of the all-time greats at the cellar, it's a lot of like... Of course, same with Louis. Louis will bomb for months, and everybody goes, what's up with this guy? He stinks now, he's old, He's ugly bald and then three months in a day Killing the interesting thing about Louie is and I mean, I don't mean this negative. I mean it positively. He's such a funny guy That even when he's bombing he can kind of save it and do like so fucking jizz. I jizzed on her shit. And people are like, oh, now that's crazy.

Rock will do the thing where like, he literally is like, I don't know, something weird about dentists. Yes, he does do that. And it'll be like, zero, cause he's not doing the like, dentist always drilling. No, exactly. Why are they drilling? Yeah, exactly. What is that? There will be blood, who you drilling for you know?

But thank you, but rock has it. I don't have any of that I don't care if I ever come Seinfeld famous like Leonardo DiCaprio famous. I could never go up and go What was that about the? the tiger and Let me move on to the other thing because he's like I think in his mind He's like well, they're seeing me for right dollars. So who gives a fuck but yeah, I still don't have that I could be You know Michael Jordan. I couldn't do that. Well, you always want some ammo It's kind of like the Jordan thing that reminds me of Jordan talked about they asked why he's always dressed to the nines

You know, he's always a,000 suit, tucked in. You never see Jordan like this. No, you don't. And he said, because people think this is ego-y, but to me, it's thoughtful. He's like, every time I leave my house, people are trying to get a look at me. It might be the one chance they get to see me ever.

So I want to look nice. Makes sense. It makes sense. People are like, what an ego. But you're like, I want to look nice. Ah, it makes sense. It makes sense people like what an ego But you're like now he's like thoughtful. He's like I'm trying to present myself as it's not like he's making up the idea that Everybody wants a glimpse of Michael Jordan. No. No, I would love a glimpse and yeah, you catch him in sweatpants You're going. Oh this guy's gonna kill himself. And if they are they're a designer. They're not Adidas he is a living legend. It is crazy. He's gonna die. Yeah in that wild Michael Jordan We're gonna get that newspaper people to be people gonna spin onto the screen and go Michael Jordan

Drops dead, you know got dunked on by life There's gonna be some headline that'll be my the end of my childhood I mean you watch the doc and you're like it doesn't look he's gonna live very long His eyes are redder than my asshole on a Wednesday and there's squinty's got Asian eyes and a Hitler mustache this guy can't pick a look and He's smoking the cigars the whiskey by the way I'm reading well quote-unquote reading listening to 11 rings by Phil Jackson 11 rings is that a what's that about Nick Cannon's wives? What do you call it? You know, championships.

And it's fascinating because there's some Buddhist in there, some Native American, and then some basketball goodness. I see. I told Sam, like, you gotta read this, and he's like, ah, I don't know, all I read is basketball. He's like, I should really learn about something other than basketball. That's such a funny response. Like, all I read is basketball. Well, here's a basketball book. Ah, I shouldn't. Yeah, this is the day I'm stopping well that's like my parents did I tell this story in Key West please my parents they love beer they're all beer all the time not drunks but they love drinking a lot sure and we're in Key

West and they go from one beer beer all day beer and I go you know what I just remembered right across the comedy club there is a fucking killer brewery. They go, ah, we're bearded out. We're ready for wine. I'm like, just like that? That's it. It's just like, come on. Yeah, that doesn't work with pedophilia.

Hey, there's a playground over here. They're never like, ah, I've had enough kids. They're going, what? I'll, boo, it's just a puff of smoke. But that's how much they resent you and hate you. They're like, nah, nah, nah, I don't wanna go to your beer place. And I'm like, which is the puff of smoke. But that's how much they resent you and hate you. They're like, nah, nah, nah, I don't want to go to your beer place. And I'm like, all right.

See, it's funny, my parents are drunks too, but they go wine so you don't notice it. My parents would go wine also. They go from beer to wine to Coke, but I meant the part about the Coke. But that's a funny, if you go wine, no one, you got the Beaujolais, the the merlot the boopity boop and you're going Okay, here we go. And you don't think hey that guy's a fucking problem, right?

You're still drinking one of the beautiful aspects of sideways. This guy's just a horribly depressed alcoholic exactly like if you're a Wa vodka guy drinking out of the fucking plastic squeeze ball, you're a drunk. You're an alcoholic wine You're a connoisseur Sideway, I always want to talk about sideways. What a film great movie total masterpiece the greatest pain when he When he fucking takes the sample and just dumps on his head Thomas Hayden Church goes his mom just died That's very funny funny guy Hayden Church doesn't get his due. He's on tires apparently. He's on the new season. Oh that's right. I heard that. I'm excited about that. Tires. Soder has no role. That makes you feel better. Wow. That is interesting. He's like, I'm not on

there. And I was like, this, oh okay. So we can all. It's almost smart. If you have a TV show, you take your best fucking buddy who showed you the ropes and took you everywhere under his wing Don't put him on. That's a great point. And then nobody can be upset. They're not on the show We've all had the feeling you know you wake up one day on a Saturday scratch your ass going why am I on tires? I know Gillis. I gotta protect our parks. We've gotten drunk. I've eaten his ass. I can't get a Netflix spot Well, he might have seen your acting reel. That's true. It ain't pretty. But for me, I mean, I don't get it. I'm Timothy Chalamet over here.

I'm, uh, what's his name? It's Lee Strasberg over here. Wow, that's a problem. No one knows who that guy is, but you got a couple of school films under your dick. Oh yeah, I'm doing another one. I keep committing, because I want to be an actor, Jerry. Yes, yes, lesbian. So people they go, hey I wrote a short film, I got a budget of eight bucks and I wrote a script. If you have a full script you send it to me, I'm in. Yeah. And then I commit and then I reread the script and I'm like, oh boy, this is a real clunker. I'm not saying any movie in particular, luckily I'm in like three so so everyone can think it's the other person.

Sure. I'm thinking Fourth of July, was that the one? Yeah, well that one we could have done a second draft probably. What can you do? Well, you know, they're shooting this movie at the Cellar. I don't want to give too much away. I don't know about this movie magic. And you're kind of like, what are you doing?

Throw me in there. Like crashing. Remember crashing? Of course do I know crashing. Pete Holmes, Judd Apatow joint. They're shooting that thing at The Cellar every week. I'm getting spots canceled. I'm at The Cellar. I live on top of it. I'm eating falafel every day and going down on the management. And then they're like, can you get out of the way? We got a, we have a actor coming in to do a comedian. I'm like, I'm here. I'm queer.

What are you doing? Well, also I think some of our podcast appearance may be holding us back a little bit. Well, we do it for you guys. We're staying true and saying, retarded just for you, because we're losing acting roles. We've done a couple of voices here or there

that may have scared people away. By the way, I just made a trailer for my movie and I put a quote from a certain comedian that I love. Sure. They wrote back and they're like, get that quote out of here. We're not going to sell this fucking movie. Yeah, because it was like, I love this movie, a person.

And then the distributor and the act, the fucking the Academy emailed me and was like, you better erase that name. You want to show this film. How'd you get a Cosby quote? So we replaced him with Burr. We got a Burr in there. Smart, smart. OK. And my friend was like, well, Burr's in Hot Water.r in there. Oh, smart, smart. Okay.

And my friend was like, well, Burr's in Hot Water. I'm like, but with the other people. Right. He's not in Hot Water with these people. And with the right. Yes. Yeah, if the right hates you, you can still make a movie. If the left hates you, you can't make a movie. Exactly. The right, you can call them all whatever you want to call them and then they'll give you a movie. Third right.

You're like, oh, you're on our team. Yeah, wow. One other thing I wanted to say about we jumped we went from MJ to movies. I had something too in the beginning I forgot where we started. We really went on a stream of anal there Acting oh it reminds me of the great thing that I talk about all the time now I have another special coming out is the mark marron with David cross where he's like it's going on YouTube He's like, did you try Netflix like we where he's like it's going on YouTube. He's like, did you try Netflix? We try he's like just put it on I think about that three times a day. I do too

I shot a special I spent 50 grand. You got a TV network over there. Whatever the fuck it's called Yeah, put it up. Put it up. Who cares? It's free. Give me like 20 bucks I just cover the cost right you're giving one guy 50 million dollars This is already made edited edited, stamped, approved. Big laughs. Yeah. I get so mad at the industry, these coward cum-guzzling queefs, because they're like, kill Tony, we could never have that.

Oh wait, it gets 8 million views every week? Put it on. Let's sign a big contract. But where were you? Where's the vision? I work in TV. I know what's good. I got a, I got a six cents. They don't have any of that. They go, Oh, it's big now. Bring

it right on. Jizz in my face. No, I had a guy say he's like, well, you're trying to, we can try to do Netflix, but it's in a club. They don't really do club specials. I'm like, first of all, I think they have also, shouldn't that be a positive? Oh! Hey, Netflix! You don't have any club specials. Since when is that bad? Original! Oh, we can't have original.

We can't have a unique idea. Again, the coward. But anyways, Netflix, take my special, please. There you go. But it's good, it's funny. Where do we start? Hold on, I had something up top and it's gone. What did you say? Seller, movie, tires.

Way before that. Thomas Hayden Church. Way before, we gotta go. Oh wine. We gotta rewind that shit. Parents with the wine. Parents with the wine, your parents are drunk, Key West. Key West, beer, oh they switched. They didn't want that thing anymore. Something about you wanted. What thing?

My dick? What you said reminded me of my parents. Yeah. Drinking beer all day. And I was like, I know a beer spot. And they're like, well, now I want wine. What did you say that inspired that? I don't know. Well, you said somebody wants something.

Sam, a book about basketball. Oh, the basketball book. Phil Jackson. Oh, yeah, because he doesn't like basketball. He loves basketball. I told him a basketball book. He said, I'm changing my mind. Yeah. What do you say to that? What do you say when you see things? See something say something shit. I don't know. It's a call-in if you know, but yeah, we are way

up the river without a Come on, I want it. I don't know. I don't know. I can't even remember I can't remember how we started the whole thing coffee. We started hey, we got coffee we started the whole thing coffee we started hey we got coffee and he said I saw you in the outside world and David Tell on a bike We're like stenographers. Yeah. Yeah, how does that work exactly? There's like four letters. They got symbols on there What's going on there? Isn't that a typewriter? No, no, it's a little it's like it's a little it's got like eight letters on there But yeah symbol means something. Maybe it's emojis just like The symbol means something. Maybe it's emojis, just like. Yeah.

That's funny. By the way, I did Soul Joles last night. I said something on here, you go, that's a bit. I did on stage, Murdoch, I'm getting a clip. It's going up. There we go. You should put it with the clip from the podcast. Oh.

That would be fun, a little behind the meat curtains. I love a meat curtain. Labia time. Yeah, it was the thing about the, some guy goes, astronauts, and I go, hey, imagine fucking in space. Oh yeah, he can come. I mean, standing O, I got a Perrier Comedy Award,

I'm opening for Pryor now, I mean, I am doing the garden. That's big, by the way, did you ever see the clip of him, Trump talking about the hair? The hair. I was telling you about the astronaut, and he goes, the hair, don't quit. Can you find that clip, Lex? But Chuck is dead, by the way.

We got Lex on the ones and dos. It's very funny. Yes, we're all celebrating. Talking about astronauts' hair. It's very funny. I can't remember, he's like, that hair, it's so full, it keeps going, it goes for days, it's very strong. Something like that.

He's obsessed with hair and dicks. He loves people with good hair and Arnold Palmer's dick Arnold Palmer's dick. Oh, man, you didn't hear all that He went on a riff about he's like Arnold Palmer big dick The best dick he's like he's very well in doubt that that's not a that's not an iron that's a wood No kidding. Oh, yeah. Wow. I never heard about R and E Palmer's dick. Oh yeah. Bill Maher did a whole run on it.

Yeah, sure. You found it. I don't know what we're going to do with this, but whoop. Nice soft hands. Stuck in space. I have asked Elon. Hold on this part. This is just. Can you get him out? He said yes.

He is preparing to go up. I think in two weeks. That's what I heard. I can't tell you that, but that's what I heard. We'll get to the hair. Biden was embarrassed. Ah, damn it. Yeah, I don't care about all this. Biden said, for Biden, such a funny idea that Biden was like, leave him up there.

Is this it? Look at the hair. I love each other. Yeah, he's going to talk about the hair. Ah, geez. I don't know if this is it. Here it is. Ah! Ah, God! It's also funny because it cuts to them being like, we're not stuck, it's okay. Oh, is that right? Yeah.

Ah, this is the same thing you already said. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Yeah, this is the same thing you already said. Oh, here we go. This is the worst clip of all time. Ah, jeez. Oh, here it is. Here it is, here it is. With the wild hair, good showin' that hair she's got. There's no kidding, there's no games with her hair, but... There's no games! And you know there's a danger up there too.

That's it, that's it, that's the quote. What a funny thing, what a weird way to talk about her hair. That's the quote I was looking for, there's no games with her hair, I couldn't think of it. He looks like Buckwheat. What a head of hair. That's going crazy. There's no games with her hair.

He's like Don King. Is that even a saying, there's no games with that hair? Yeah. She's not kidding with that hair. That is so fucking funny. Sorry you had to hear all the other stuff, but man, that is good stuff. They're back, by the way.

They got them. Oh, great. They're out of space. They're in space. Did someone draw a swastika right on the rocket when it landed? I don't think it was Musk's rocket. It was like a rocket that was already there and waiting.

Oh, because the news is like, Musk saved them. Musk, it was all Musk and Starlink or whatever. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what the hell happened there. They came back. It's like I talk about the certain stories that you're like the people's in space. All right. Oh yeah. The hell do I care. Isn't that weird if that's not interesting? Somebody's lost in space and they're still alive and eating each other's gum. We're like, okay well you see them. There's the little video and they're like, eh, we got another fire. Well, you're like, okay, well, you see them, there's the little video, and they're like,

hi, we're up here, and they gotta get them back, and you go, okay, get them back, I don't care. It's a wacky time. I got basketball to watch and a baby to fuck. I always think, if you took a guy in 1991, put him on a time machine, sent him to now, and he just took some notes and went back, everybody would be like, you're insane.

Kanye West is a Nazi, Alec Baldwin shot a lady, Donald Trump is president, there's paint and swastikas on cars, there's a chainsaw in the White House. Nobody would believe it. They'd go, you gotta go to asylum. Well, Kanye would be like, who the hell is John F. Kennedy? I never heard of that guy.

That's true, that's true. And you could go back to 91 and be like, Johnson alive and well they'd be like what are you crazy that's a good boy I thought magic Johnson was gonna die by the end of the fucking AIDS special we all did I mean easy eat croaked hit the floor oh yeah he had another AIDS epidemic but yeah Johnson killing it oh yeah or in all the movie theaters easy Easy E. Used to be my homie, used to be my ace, now I want to slap the taste right out your mouth. That's a great rhyme. No, but if you say it, used to be my homie, used to

be my ace, now I want to slap the taste right out your mouth. I feel like he should have flipped it. Used to be my ace. But it tastes uh, hip that out your mouth. Lose your taste. And on the ace. Or face. Or face. Or race. Used to be my homie, used to be my ace. Now I want to slap your face. But I think a lot of these guys, they just say it, they're not like comics where they're rewriting and bouncing it. No, not a lot of rewriting. They just say it. I think they say it once and then they go, okay, that's good, print it. Freestyle. Exactly. Palestine. All right, well we've got a lot to get into here. That's a great throat clear.

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I got a little bullshit. Give me some good bullshit. Well, first things first, speaking of Afro-Americanes. Oh boy. So I had the in-laws, not the in-laws, what do you call them? I guess in-laws. My wife's sister and her husband and their two kids here last week. Wife's sister. So the baby's aunt. Aunt, uncle, cousins.

And their cousins. And the kids are two and five. So these are young boys. They run in, they punch me in the nuts, they kill the cat, they open the fridge, they knock it over, they flip the table, they start a fire. They're just, they're in. It's like a hurricane coming in here. And so you're like, Whoa, I'm holding the baby. You're like, Whoa, hey, it's like a Chevy chase movie. And so that's crazy. Friday in this neighborhood apparently look this up at home folks every Friday they have Friday fist fights FFF not to be confused with the KKK which we could use out here but oh boy note the time

FFF remember this we got to bring that back. Oh, yeah We're fine you can leave that FFF so Get this I go out to get a diaper or a binky or a condom because I don't want any other kids the big three By the way, yeah the DPC I come back. There's like four girls on my stoop This is last Friday, and I hate the stoop. I know the stoop, it's like a weird unwritten rule in New York. It's like a public thing. You can sit on people's stoop. No one likes it. You can't say anything. It's a weird racial thing. So you just kind of got to eat it. I guess. But it's, I'm like, ah, there's like six girls on my stoop. They're all like,

you know, yelling and cutting up and filming each other. And I'm like, I got these in-laws in from the suburbs. They're nice people. They don't want to see this. No. It's terrifying. So I go in and I go, I'm walking in with the groceries.

I look like a fucking dork dad, you know, retard. And I walk up and I go, guys, guys, I got a baby in here. You mind moving it along? And they all look at me and they go, guys, I got a baby in here, you mind moving it along? And they all look at me and they go, which, could you imagine doing that to an adult in 19, whatever it's, 94 or whatever it was? What age are the kids? They're 15 year old, they're like teenagers.

They're like young, rambunctious, feisty teenagers. Right. And I go, hey, am I moving along? And they go, what? I go, this is my house. I got a baby. I'm using the baby because I feel like a baby is a good, you can't argue with a baby. I'm all baby all the time.

Best excuse. I'm like, let me get a free drink. I got a baby over here. Yes. Blow me. We have a baby. Exactly. Baby is like our, when girls in school would go, it's a feminine issue.

And the guy would go, okay, go take the weekend off. You know, go nuts. So I go, hey, I got a baby in here. They go, they do this with their like, yeah, yeah, old man. Scram. And I'm like, this is my house. So now I'm like, all right, now I'm pissed. And I'm using like a grownup energy.

I'm trying to, I'm not a grownup. I'm a child. I'm a queen from nobody. Which is all I can think about. You still look young to me. I feel young. You feel young. The idea that like you're in your 40s with a kid and the proprietor of this townhouse makes no sense to me. Zero sense. We feel like two high school boys who should be in a one-bedroom apartment together on a seesaw. I mean look at this. This on my shelf like this is who we're dealing with here. There's toys everywhere, there's jizz all in every corner, it's stuffed

animals, I cry in here. Yoda! You seek Yoda! That's dead on. How am I not in tires? Let me come in and go, hey tires! Soter couldn't get in. He can't do voices. Can't get in Soter can. So I'm like, all right, so now I just, I'm pissed. So they're giving me the brush off, which is very, very insulting, very demeaning. So there you go, more toys. You know, my dad's like, oh, you can give this to your son. I'm like, I'm keeping it.

Yeah, yeah, I have that too. My son all the time is like, ball! And I'm like, that's that autographed Mookie Betts baseball, you piece of shit. Yeah, easy, Dickless. So I'm like, hey, you guys mind? And now I got the in-laws at the window and they're going, what's going on out here? I'm talking to like six Queen Latifas, if you will. And so now they go, sir, could you move it along?

We're gonna do a fist fight. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, what? And they're like, we're gonna, it's Friday, we're doing our fights, so could you get out of our way? And I go, well, wait a minute. I don't give a shit if you guys are fighting, beat the fuck out of each other, go nuts. I'm not moving, this is my house.

You guys should move. And they're like, could you just go inside? We're doing our own thing. And I'm like, do this is my house. You guys should move." And they're like, could you just go inside? We're doing our own thing. And I'm like, do you realize the irony here? You're asking me to get out of your way on my stoop. So now we're having this back and forth and they're kind of like half-assing it. And I got two girls squaring up

and I'm fighting with like the leader. So I'm yelling at the leader who's down there and these two girls are like, here we go. And then another girl's filming it. One girl's got a light and a boom mic and it's Friday. We don't even have that. I know! Chuck he was filming it. Rupert was out there eating I don't know what that was about but so now they're like fighting with me the ladies like just go inside leave his be and I'm like get off my stoop so now we're going at it these girls one girl just goes, ding ding ding, and they just start doing this.

Did you say ring ding ding? Folks. So they got the hair, I mean it's girls, so it's hair and hair. Wow. I'm talking hardcore, fisticuffs, face to eyeball over and over, multiple times, and then they did it for like a minute straight, and then the girl goes, ding ding, that's enough.

They got the whole thing on tape and I look in my my house and then my in-laws are at the window like I Got two young boys at the bottom of the window and then the two adults like what the fuck we drove it for the suburbs To see this shit. What is going on? Like what is what neighborhood are you living in and I'm like welcome to New York this is Brooklyn bitch. And so they just fought and I went inside and she goes, you gonna call the police? I'm like, no I'm not gonna call the police but like get the fuck out of here. So they eventually left. And you gotta be careful too, this is also tricky, you got to do careful stepping it's eggshells because you can't be like, hey get out of here you fucking, you know,

beep beep whatever. Because this is your home. They know where you live. It's not like you're in front of Starbucks. You're at your home, and they can come back and rub baby dirty diapers in your window. I would kill for a dirty diaper. They're going to come in and break the windows and steal my couch.

So you're right. I had to play it kind of authority, but also not yell at them. Because part of me is like, fuck, I'm going in, I'm getting a pot of water. I'm just had to play it kind of authority, but also not yell at him, because part of me is like, fuck, I'm going in, I'm getting a pot of water, I'm just gonna throw it on him, you know? But you gotta tap dance a little bit. So the fist fight happens, so then I come back inside,

and it's the talk of the town. My sister-in-law's like, what the fuck was that? Does that happen all the time? Like, it's the first time it's's ever happened I'm sorry you had to see that she's like this is insane where do you guys live cuz she's out in the cute burbs in Massachusetts yeah she's on the Cape isn't she no she's in I don't want to say but oh I don't bleep that it's like this beautiful little town is on a stitch of garbage or graffiti say that, you can say that. No one's going to look for them.

I guess. I don't know. Totally anonymous. That's true. But yeah, so they're out there in that cute little town and they had to see that. It was so embarrassing and the whole thing was a bummer. But I looked down the way and down at Barclays and the dudes are fighting and it was like the WNBA versus the NBA because this has like a giant audience.

Cops are jumping in, these guys are beating the fuck out of each other. And this happens on Friday night? Every Friday. So today, you wanna come back and bring some popcorn and some money and just get in there, woohoo! And you can make some dough.

Well, I thought you were gonna talk about the other thing that happened over here. But did you have any story for that? That was the same night. So they might be connected. Oh my God. I had an anonymous friend send me a message he goes you might want to change studios. 52 year old man stabbed by four teenagers.

That was them. Chest, ass, tits, asshole. He's dead Jerry. Dead. They shanked him Legion of Shanks. Right over here. Yeah yeah yeah. That's terrifying. I don't want you on the subway. I don't want May on the... You take the subway. What do I care? Sure. But May, you gotta... This child needs a mother. I know. You can't have her taking the train around here. It's wild. I mean, it was a melee out there. It looked like Lollapalooza in 94. I mean, it was just, well... Melee. Ah, she's Asian now. But, yeah, so it was insane out there and every Friday. So I'm flying out tonight. I told the lady, lock the door and put a chair in front of it because I mean, it was no joke.

It was WWE. Oh boy, oh boy. Well, don't worry. I think we're going to be fine. Trump is going to get the cops going. The new mayor, Corinne Fisher, it's going to be Cuomo. I feel like Cuomo's in a big lead out there. Is that right? That's the last thing I heard I'm not following that Well update on that

Cuomo cuz he's got I love it. I kind of love it cuz he's like he had like whoa he touched my leg Right he kissed my asshole and then he was like, all right, I'm out and then a couple years later He's like I'll come back. I know All right, get back in here, you son of an onion. Everyone's full of shit. Like this Gavin Newsom guy, he's on a potty. He's like, the transports, it's very unfair. And you're like, you said the exact opposite 10 minutes ago.

I know. What do you guys stand for? Kamala works at McDonald's? What's going on? Yeah, you got to flip flop. It's the same as the industry. Everyone's like, wow, the money's over here now. So we're going over this way.

Yeah, I get it. But it just bums me out when everybody's like you said this you're fired 10 minutes later you know maybe I think that you're like well what about the shit you put you called me a bigot for two years. Right. Your boy RFK he flips sides too. Everybody flips sides. What do you got there? Double digit. edge. Double-digit? Whoa. Well, he was a good politician. This was like two weeks ago, too. He was good. He was a, you know, a gropey-wop. He was like, hey, tits.

Yeah, I think so. He's Italian. He's greasy. I think he's like Dustin Hoffman, too. He got me, too. I think he was like, hey, nice tits, sweetie. All right, what are we shooting next? Oh, I can smell your pussy You get over here. Hey, look at your bush. Fuck it. You know what I mean? Talents talent folks. I think oh great I think yeah, I think it was that kind of stuff. But what are you gonna do?

Yeah, which is a great fucking bitch. She has many great pits. Sure. I love Carmen Lynch Underrated her specials on my YouTube channel get in there folks. Yeah, so that was that was the first thing my YouTube channel. Get in there, folks. Yeah, so that was the first thing. So these guys got a real front-row seat to some, it's weird to see women going at it. It's one thing to see a bunch of teenager dudes, having a brouhaha, but these are two broads,

and young broads, so once I've orgasmed, I went inside. Damn, I mean, I've told the story before, I had a couple things. We had a fucking three day period where our front door, the lock was broken. And in that time we had a little foyer. You were there, the old place in Astoria, with two doors. There was a little foyer thing with mail. And one time we had three kids passed out smoking, I think, like stronger than weed. What's the thing that they have in Europe? PCP. Hash.

Oh, hash. Maybe it was hash. I'm thinking, I don't, that's complete speculation. Yikes. But it was like a pipe of weed and it was smoke and they were all like, I mean, maybe it was crack or whatever too, but they didn't seem all, they were like kids. Yikes.

And I had to be like, hey guys, you gotta leave. Hash Patil. And then the other time, you remember, I had the guy fuck it. It was like two teenagers fucking in my door. And it was crazy. And you're like, this is what's so fascinating about it. I mean, this is different because you have a stoop,

but like, just our lock was broken. So it makes me think, I'm like, are kids just pulling on every door to see which one's unlocked so they can fuck in the foyer? Maybe, and try to channel your old self. Cause when I was, we were were 15, we were degenerates. I was fucking in cars and pissing in lobbies. Yeah, I was gonna say that.

And I like to, I always want to yes and you, but I do have a slight discrepancy where you're like, can you imagine us 15 saying, hey, get fuck you? Yeah. I feel like if we were 15 hanging out in someone's yard and they were like, the old man was like, get out of here. We'd fucking go get milk and throw it in his face. We'd fucking mood him, what do you call that?

Droop him. Droop him, I don't know droopin'. Oh yeah, droop was, did you have droop? Pants. Pants, when you pants somebody. But we called it droop. Oh, I like droop. Droop, that's good.

Yeah. That's good. Like we were not always, oh I was a respectful boy for the most part. But a lot of the kids,'d go hey get off my lawn They'd be like we'll be back tonight you piece of shit and you know draw dicks and stuff in their forehead I completely agree, but I think my point is if I give an adult Point at me and said something I was like oh shit. I was a little scared

Yeah, I get I would come back and droop his wife or whatever, but I at the moment. I was like ah grown up I'm still scared of grown-ups by my wife mom is upstairs and I'm like yes ma'am no ma'am I'm terrified yeah that's a good point but yeah no fear no fear of adults and hopefully I don't come back and firebomb the place but pretty crazy wild thing to see and tonight's the night so I'm gonna get a ring cam out here and start a whole production company I'm gonna sell FFF. You should have a camera for sure. I should yeah. Oh my god what are you crazy? I'll get Rupert to just sit out there just filming. With the couch cushion like Kramer? Yeah. They were very taken by it.

Now Rupert will break your stoop but yeah you should get a thing for sure a little motion especially down here with all this stuff stooped to Ville yeah I should you're right I got the bars up that helps that's a peace of mind right there bars is big I think you should also get a little window shit I should get a shade yeah cuz they could see right in and go what terrible show is that well it's hard to see in actually cuz I could never see oh really I always feel like I'm doing this in the daytime I think at nighttime you could really oh, yeah, I've been I write in here, and it's so embarrassing cuz I'm like Yeah, I got the pen like a like a microphone and people walk by like what is this guy?

Schizophrenic plus in the summer crime goes up. That's true. Everybody's out. That's true spike Lee do the right thing Was that right? That was all, the whole premise was like, it's the heat wave, so everybody's angry and fighting. Right, right, right. It's the heat wave. I love that movie, I've watched it 10 times, every time I watch it I'm like, this time I'm gonna really love it.

You know, I just rewatched it, and I got about halfway, and it's like a play, you know, with the characters and the dialogue, but it's well done, but I don't know if it's a great movie It's pretty it looks cool. It's it's different like radio ah heems right into the camera and stuff like that So it's very unique, but as a film. I don't know if it's great, but it's it's it's interesting. It's interesting It's good. It's boring Little boring and then the scene the log scene where they're in the bedroom. They're talking Yeah, yeah, as ease number thing and then the opening ten minutes is her doing the running man

Yeah, that was strange get out of here with this and then it's very artsy. It's like black artsy Yeah, then they're so mean to Danny. I know he's been so good to him. Yeah, but that's the point I guess so I get it. How come you got no brothers on your wall? Yeah, I guess I should get some brothers Why I always had I had a big Brother on the I wall and I felt like I was representing I was like look at this big black man And it turned out he was a serial rapist Yeah, he's still on mine I had I put it on Twitter at one point thinking I was like should I take this down I was like kind of trying to be funny and then people were like, what are you crazy?

This is horrible. Get it down now, break it, fucking use the glass to kill yourself. Piece of shit. I was like, I'm sorry. Really? Wow. Man, oh man. Yeah, at least he's in the corner.

Yeah, I got him tucked away. He only comes out at night. But yeah, so crazy to see. All right, so what else you got over there? So, okay, so then we have our big Friday night out. You know, we're taking the in-laws out. I got a nice dinner reservation at El Quijote. Find a different night to go out, for Christ's sake.

Well, they're only here a couple days. Oh my, it's like the Warriors out here. It was. Come out and play. Come out and gay. So, we go to El Quijote, we get some paella, and then my brother-in-law, he's a wild car. He's a fun loving dude, so he goes, got some shrooms.

Oh my gosh. And I go, we're drinking, we got the baby. Oh, I don't like this. We have a sitter with the baby. I don't like this one bit. But then you don't wanna say no to you. You wanna be folksy, you wanna be yes and with the in-laws. That's not what folksy means.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Folksy is like gardening and being like, well I wouldn't mind digging your plants, honey. I'm only kidding. Oh, is that folksy? Ah, that might be a little dirty for folksy. It's a little dirty. That's body. I'm folksy-jokesy. Yeah, I get quite folksy with some of my lady friends.

Yeah, so I go, I don't want to be a wuss, I don't want to square So I go give me the hallucinogens you cumstained fatty bitch and I pop that thing and then you're like It all hits you like holy shit. I'm drunk. I'm Tripping then you got a baby at home. So you see like a baby fly by your head, you know, I have a flight in the morning cuz I'm flying to Chicago so then you're like, oh, the flight. So you think about all your responsibilities and you're shroomed up and you're fucked up and you're on no sleep. And so ended up doing shrooms. We stay up way too late. Clock goes off. I go, ah, about two hours of sleep, and I go right to the airport, and I am in so much pain.

The shroom hangover, no one talks about it. You are ruined, like mentally. Oh, is that right? Oh my God, especially if you get no sleep and you're hungover. I knew ecstasy was, I heard ecstasy's like two days of suicidal fucking horrible. That's bad, real, but Coke I hear is bad too.

You're just like, I wanna kill myself, I hate life, who am I, what am I doing, I'm a piece of shit. That's why I never did Coke. Nobody ever said anything good about Coke I hear is bad too. Like you're just like, I want to kill myself. I hate like, who am I? What am I doing? I'm a piece of shit. Nobody ever say anything good about Coke when I was coming up. No. I was like, you don't want to do Coke.

It's crazy. There was like secret. It's not worth it. You start talking to, we're going to write a screenplay. We're going to open a bar. We're going to buy Greenland and change it to Gulf of America. You know, you say crazy shit.

I was like that without Coke. I was always like, we're going to write a movie tonight. That's true. First we go to Walmart and get a whiteboard. That was always my move. And every time we got the whiteboard I was like, ah it was a good bite on it, we'll try it tomorrow. Right, or you go to Walmart you just start breaking shit. I did a lot of that too. Yeah, all right. So the flight was delayed, blah blah blah. Flights are scary now because everything's flipping over and female pilots, who knows what's going on? so you get on that flight and You kind of just like try to get a nap in you can't get a nap in land in Chicago

You're on no sleep, and you go all right. What do I got to do? Oh? I got three sets at the den Whoa, so here's what happened now. It's Saturday night. I'm doing Adam Ray, Dr. Phil, on Sunday. We love you, Adam. Let's go. You're the man. Nobody says let's go more than Adam Ray. That's true.

Let's go. Let's go. So Adam Ray's got the Chicago theater sold out, me, Santino, Chevy Chase are the guests. This is gonna be the biggest episode. Mark my words, I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't know anything about anything, but that's gonna be the number one selling episode of all time. Mine's being Annie Letterman.

Ah, that's tough. Mine's gonna get 14,000 views. I mean that is gonna be I mean that could be like a 7 million 8 million. No, well the thumbnail is gonna gonna pop I think because Santino's huge. Can we get a quick reading? What's the biggest Dr. Phil live episode? Just numbers. I'm gonna go 1.5. I don't think they're breaking 2 mil. Oh, I don't know about that. I think he's got some 2 mils. He's got some star power in there. He's got some wacky celebrities. He's got like... Tony Hawk was on one.

Oh, really? I think. I think you're right. Then he has like Urkel, or have Wayne Brady, or he'll have Adam Devine, or he'll have Burr, or he'll have jelly He's all over the road this guy but you Santino and Chevy Chase Although younger people might not know the fuck Chevy Chase is isn't that weird? Yeah, that's a thing now. What did I just have? Oh, I had a thing last night Sorry, we gotta get back to the story But now there's a guy in front with a Batman shirt

And I said something about Michael Keaton was Batman who was a comedian and I was like that'd be like if in two years I was Batman That's funny. And then I was like the crowd was just staring at me I was like, I think a lot of you guys don't know who Michael Keaton you don't even know What is Michael Keaton and he's still around. Yeah, but he's you know, 70 Yeah, I had a similar joke because it's the Bob Hope Airport in LA and I'm like, you know We had an airport named after a comedian. Could you imagine going flying in? We're flying into Cat Williams Airport and no one cared because they're like, who's Bob Hope? Right. So yeah, I had a similar thing. What do you got there?

Okay, take it all back. Wow. So you guys, I think four million. You Santino Chevy? I think you're dreaming, but I appreciate the optimism. Alright so we fly in to LA no to West Orange New Jersey so we fly in and it's one of those things where you have the Sunday show so you're like hey I'm going to Chicago hot market hot town hot Lana so let me do three at this den everybody Everybody raise with the den. Yes. But you don't predict that you're gonna be hung over on no sleep and want to kill yourself. So I get there and you're like, oh I got three shows and the flight was delayed. The first shows at five, then a seven, then a nine. I get in at four. So you got no prep time, you got no jerk time, you got no hang time.

So I go straight to the den, you're all greasy, I'm shroomed up, I'm covered in paella, and you just gotta do it. You just do the shows and they were great. Paella. Yes. That sounds like an Asian guy. Paella. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.

Wait, I forgot I retired the voice. No, don't retire it. The voice is out. That guy's gotta stay. I'm trying to get some more acting roles. by Gaia. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, So, uh, the show, by the way, this den, I gotta give a shout out. This is one of the great rooms. It's unreal. I'm wearing the sweater now to rep them. I love the den. I keep hearing about the den.

Sam Morrill shot a special there. You walk in, you go, oh, those rooms. He tried to get me to shoot my special at the den after I told him where I was shooting it. Yeah, that was awkward. That's always classic. Get him a book about basketball. That'll shooting it. Yeah, that was awkward. That's always classic. Well, get them a book about basketball. That'll save it.

You're marrying Susan. You should be marrying Shelley, you know? Yeah, that's a tough go. You made the plans. You bought the venue. You got the cake. But now, and the Den is down the street from Zanies. So Zanies is none too happy about this, I imagine.

I guess not. But they're there in institution. They're there for the long haul. But this Den, I mean, they are doing it, right? It's a perfect layout and we had a weird three great sets Tim's Tim Smith opened He's the man I know a Tim Smith funny guy. This is mine's not a comedian. He's a merchant marine. That's a common name I guess so hoorah What's a merchant marine?

Marine is different than a marine a merchant is, I think we've had this conversation before. Does he sell things? Is he really good at selling? No, he's a sailor. All the people that are on the ships that are shipping all the things, they're all Merchant Marines.

It means like, it's water, like a mariner, basically. It's nothing to do with a US Marine Corps. Seattle? Yeah, they're the mariners. It's like someone that works on a ship. Oh, a Merchant Marine. A Merchant Marine is a sailor, basically. But sailor, you think of like gay in a white shirt

and little brown shoes, and they're doing this. The seaman. But like the people that are like Captain Phillips. You ever see Captain Phillips? I'm the captain now. That's a hell of a film. They're all merchant marines. Got it.

By the way, that guy, that gangly Somalian kook, he got nominated. Never worked nominated. Yeah. Never worked again. Yeah I think he has that one thing. Well the Oscars are all silly. They're like oh we'll get it. It's the thing that's so offensive about the left if I may for lack of a better term. They're like there's a little retarded African man. Let's nominate him. It's the same with like a seven-year-old. It's like let's give it to her Girl and you're like she's fine. She's got a whole career, right? It just feels so like give him a chance to win and it's so obvious. It'll be like Jack Nicholson George Clooney

Takembe Bopumba And he was very good. He was great. He was great. I mean, he was born for that role. He's got the look and the teeth and the accent. Yeah. You talking about me?

Yes. You could play that role. A little blackface, you clean up. I'm the captain now. I'm the captain now. Yes. I'm the captain now. This is a good show.

That's a funny program. I think this is one hell of a television program. By the way, where do you stand on this? Please. I know it's not a technical thing, but I was saying to Lewis and Lewis Gomez, who's very argumentative, this man. You think?

I said, Kill Tony is more of a TV show than a podcast. And then he's like, it's literally a podcast. I'm like, it gets released as a podcast, but it's a show. It's a show. It's got a panel. It's a, yeah, it's like. Studio audience. And I know it started as a podcast or whatever,

but like real time comes out as a podcast. Ah, true. But it's a show. Good point. It's a TV show. This is a podcast. Two assholes talking into a microphone on a couch blowing each other. Yeah, no audience, no production, no guests. This is a podcast. Two assholes talking into a microphone on a couch blowing each other.

Yeah, no audience, no production, no guests. This is a podcast. Killtony has a warm-up band, a host, a side guy, a sound guy. Yeah, of course. It feels like a TV show. I hate that kind of argument, but it's literally a podcast. You're like, I know, but it's more of a show. But it's a podcast. I know. I'm just saying it's similar to a TV show. And you understand what I'm podcast. I know, I'm just saying it's similar to a TV show. And you understand what I'm saying.

I know. It's not, there's a big difference between WTF and Kill Tony. Right. I hate when people do that, when you have a point and they spin it over here. With semantics. Yes, yes. You know, you go, uh, that guy, he finally came out of the closet. Like, well, it wasn't actually a closet. I know know it's a fucking term of endearment or whatever I'm anti-semantics We've done that before ever that I think we've probably done

So yeah, what the hell so I go to sky we do the den and it's one of those things where Tim Smith the opener Funny guys like we drink it and I'm like I never want to see you again. I'm going to bed I got the shittiest hotel and I hit the sleep button. 10 hours. Wow. I mean, it felt so good. You know that that was the first road gig basically and 10 hours through and through. I mean, I missed like I had the the sir, you got to check out except it was like a hello. Right, right. Get to go. You know, so that's nice

You can get it cuz I feel like sometimes after a while you get trained Cuz now I go on the road and I'm like, I'm gonna fucking take 7 p.m But then your body is like and I'm just up at 6 a.m. Well, I heavy dry took a heavy load of drugs I had shot a fucking dart my neck. I taught put a Cosby record on I popped an ambient I was out You're gonna dart in your neck Old school? Old school. That whole scene was You're crazy man I'm like you're crazy. What happened to that guy?

Sean William Scott Yeah is he around? Jennings. I don't know. He was big. He was American Pie. He was Stifler Yeah he was huge He was big. He was American Pie. He was Stifler. Yeah, he was huge. He was big. He was funny. Funny guy. Had a funny look. Oh man, that scene in old school is... that's pure gold. I mean, that movie is top notch. There's so much gold in that movie.

Artie Lang is in there. Oh yeah. Yeah, he's great. You're My Boy Blue. Unbelievably funny movie. Yeah, that was great. You're my boy blue unbelievably funny movie. Yeah, that was great I always say this is older now than Monty Python the Holy Grail was when we were boys Great, I saw that in college that movie and it I was in college when I came out

It was like a perfect storm. It's like being a kid when Michael Jackson's around Wow, by the way I was at the indoor playground that you jumped in the ball pit. They're still talking about it That was a great ball pit Oh Michael Jackson yesterday. I'm like you guys just play Michael. You know, I'm not for cancel culture, but it's like Oh pretty young thing. Oh, yeah. I'm like, there's just pretty young things walking around there playing That is crazy. Oh, yeah had this for the first time my biggest fear the thing I've been fearing since we decided to have a child lady going. Oh my god. I can't believe you're a comedian, that's so funny, can I just Google you? Are you famous? Can I watch your stuff?

And I'm like, oh, here we go. Oh no, that's bad. Ha! That's the first thing she opens. I mean that, and just, I've ended our show by being like, fuck a kid, join the Patreon. Right, right. I think you can make a living on this Asian voice.

I don't know, it's retired. Well, here's what I don't get. That's cultural appropriation. You put a triangular hat on, you go out to a rice paddy, and you go, awww, with the eye tape and the mustache and the buck teeth. And the small dick. And the small dick. You'll get in trouble for cultural appropriation there, fatty.

But if Kanye wears a swastika, we're so wrapped up in the Nazi of it all that we're not... He's appropriating. He's not an actual Nazi. He's wearing the Nazi symbols. He's saying he's a Nazi, but he's not a Nazi. Isn't that appropriation? I guess so, but I think the being a Nazi trumps the taking the fashion. I know, but if we're going to go appropriate and yell at people, you have to go all the way. Well, people are upset with Kanye. They're upset about the swastika.

They're not going, a couple Nazis should pipe up and go, hey, that's our thing. You're doing, you're appropriating our culture. But I think the Nazis would be like, all right, we got a good guy. We got a guy on our side. Well, now you're saying the Nazis are more open-minded than regular people because well there if I put on a Daishi key, I'm a front line news or if I do a fucking ho yeah face paint At a baseball game. I'm an asshole. What's a dashiki again? That's like an African garb Yeah, garb something is short for garbage. That's our garb. Oh garment is it garm? I think it's short for Garbage. Are you Garb? Oh, Garmet. Is it Garm? I think it's Garm.

Garb would make more sense. Garb, Garmet. Yeah. Garb. What's the root word of Garb? Garm to table. ...clothing or dress, especially of a distinctive or special kind. So it's just Garb. Thank you.

It's no full word? Yeah, why Garb? It sounds like an alien. Oh shit, garb! He's coming down to earth. Garb sounds cute, like a furry alien. Oh yeah, garb. Hey I'm garb! What about the oil? I'm garb. He's got big eyes, he's like a little gizmo. Just sounds very much like garbage. Gizmo, yeah. You add age to garb, it's garbage. The garb man is here. That could be a bit. Old garb, that's garbage. It's just worn out. It's used. Garabage. I like it. Alright, we got some stuff. Yes. I think this is the top ten episode all time if you ask me. Hell yeah. So yeah, I'm just saying, no one gets mad about the

appropriating because the Nazi trumps the appropriation. Yes Nazis bad not too bad It's funny how Elon is like, hey, I'm hiling and or whatever and everybody's like he's a Nazi and he's like I'm not a Nazi I'm just mentally nuts or I'm off and then Kanye's like I'm not mentally off. I'm a Nazi right right It's the old what's good for the goose. Yeah, it's good for the Nazis good for the African-american the flipperoo Aha. So yeah, we do the den is Nazis good for the african-american the flipperoo. Uh-huh So yeah, we do the den is great. Then uh, don't you love this? We're at the Ritz Adam Ray. Shout-out. I put you up with a nice nice joint. Yes I was eating a Ritz cracker. It was better than holiday in but it wasn't the Ritz. Was it the Express? I was in Milwaukee, it was nice. It was very nice.

It was a, I don't know what it was. Double Tree, Marriott, Hilton, Hyatt. It was Hilton-y. 9-11. It was something nice, but I mean, Ritz, get the fuck. Yeah, it was a doozy. I mean, you wanna just go, give me the money, I'll stay at the fucking Red Roof. I'm the opposite. I want the steam room, give me the money, I'll stay at the fucking red roof.

I'm the opposite. I want the steam room, the gym, the big bed with the fluffy blanket and the stuffy pillow. Not me, I don't want any of this stuff. I'll take the cash and the red roof fentanyl. Oh, I love a guy with a big hat and white gloves and a condom, you know, and the ladies, nice. You went home alone too.

Come on in, Mr. McAllister. Trump is here and there's a pigeon lady. How about when they edited out Trump? Is that the funniest? Did they? Yeah, yeah, I think TBS or something, or some guy wanted, some thing. I think it was something.

Maybe that was made up, it was just clickbait. I think he's in there. He's in there front and center. There was some story about it, which I thought was hilarious. You know what was weird, where they edited out Chris D'Alea in a movie and put in Tig Notaro.

Really? Yeah, like you couldn't have a, it's like the polar, it was such a fuck you to D'Alea, like we're putting in the exact opposite as you. Although they both like pussy. Yeah, yeah, they could have gotten a fat black woman. I guess you're right. I guess they're the opposite.

Good point. So yeah, you sleep all day, you go to the Ritz and then you get the, I love being on the road because you're like, I'm gonna go get a lunch. I'm gonna do like a long lunch alone. Love the road. Headphones in, eggs, big coffee. Yes, yes, the big coffee.

Big coffee. And then Santino hits you with this one. Let's hang out. So we hang out at the Ritz Bar and we just start drinking. That's fun. And then of course you head over to the theater and just a hoot and a holler and no one knew Chevy Chase was on. He just showed up. Yeah, he's a prickly one. That guy. He is a per- He's a shifty fella. Per-snickety-cut, and he shows up in a wheelchair. I don't know if I'm supposed to say that. Well, he's in public, I guess. Yeah, I guess he's just rolled right up, but he was backstage, and he rolled, and you're

like, who's the gimp? Oh, jeez, that's fucking Clark Griswold. He's a cripple now. Wow. And they shimmy him up, and they walk his ass on stage and he goes fuck you fuck all you blow me N-word he leaves how old is Chevy? He's a spicy one now our friend Tony day our mutual Past guest who we just adore he's become close friends with Chevy He's like the Chevy whisperer cuz every story you hear is like you know Chevy set fire to my houseplants

Chevy fucked my dog in the ass Chevy fell off a ladder Chevy suburban yeah and then Tony Dale's like he couldn't be nicer he came to his birthday party he's friends with his wife he's like we have the best time they tour together what yeah I mean he's a fucking legend I see the guy even though he's in a wheelchair and he's got all these handlers, Chelsea Handler, you're like, whoa, it's fucking Chevy Chase. And you want the photo, but you don't wanna bother him,

so I didn't even meet him. He's my number one favorite comedic actor. Literally over Groucho and fucking- Will Ferrell, Jim Carrey, Eddie Murphy. I mean, him doing this on the ladder and Christmas vacation, I mean, he's just- This is crazy, this Christmas vacation. Yeah, he's just this is crazy. This is crazy He's he's my number one guy. I just think he's the greatest and he knows it. He's like I'm the man Chevy I'm Clark get out of my way. I'll punch a moose nose. Well, I think I've been told the story before

I don't know how public it is. But we had a friend Maybe I told it here We had a friend that had a sitcom that he was about to shoot, and they're trying to cast his father, and they have like a book. This is how like Hollywood works. There's like a book of actors in the thing. You can flip through and be like, oh, I like this guy.

And Chevy was in there, and it was like the showerhead scene in Seifel. He's like, I want this one. He's like, we don't sell that, it's for elephants. And they like, he sees Chevy, he's like, oh, let's get Chevy. And they're like, oh, that's not supposed to be in there. And they take it out and they're like ripping it up. They're like, we can't have him. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, oh no, he shouldn't be in there. He's like, but that's who I want. I want Chevy. And they're like, no, no, no, that's for the circus. Yeah.

That's high pressure water. Cause there's also that story of community. Is that what the show is? Yes. Yes. They didn't invite him to the rap party. I know, apparently he was a little difficult on the set with the slurs and the glovers and the whole thing. And then there's another story about him going to the, he showed up at UCB one night and this is all, what's that? Hear-say, speculation, third party. Sure. Well the story about the ripping the thing up is first party, I don't know what that means. First world. that means first second party. That's the same with first world third world. There's no second world

Yeah, what is that? I don't know maybe we're second world. It's also all the same world Mmm, there's one world. Oh, we're the new world this brave new world Huxley Huxnable. It's my world you're living in it Yeah, that is then there's a whirlpool Huxley? Huxnable? It's my world, you're living in it. Yeah. Yeah, then there's a whirlpool. But anyways, this story was, he shows up at UCB, Upright Citizenship and Gay Theater.

We are the world. And one of the comics, they're the improv comics, walks up to Chevy, by the way, it's freezing down here. Is it? Hit that red button there, Fetty. It's like 50 degrees all of a sudden. So, Chevy walks up and he goes, this guy, one of the actors walks up and goes, Chevy, I can't believe you're here.

You're the reason I became an improv actor. I love you. You're my number one hero. And you're the reason I live my life. And I just want to be like you. I remember the first moment. And Chevy slapped him across the face. Whoa.

He was like this. Was that you? Which is, by the way, the funniest thing you could possibly do. It's very funny, but it's a song, brother. Yeah, that's insane. Wow, we gotta get that guy on. I want to hear that story. That's a guest. Oh, it's a salt brother. Yeah, that's insane. Wow, we gotta get that guy on. I wanna hear that story, that's a guest.

Oh, he's probably an annoying, he's an improv guy. That's true. He's probably got tight pants and a weird hat. He probably lives down the street from you. Yes, I am. Yeah, so Chevy wheels out. I couldn't even hear what he was saying, but I'll check out the video.

And then I go out and then Santino goes out, we're hammered, we're having a great time. It's a hard show because you're all unscripted and I'm talking in front of three thousand four hundred people at the Chicago theater and he's like, what's new with you? And you're like, how about that Gaza? You know, you're like, what do I say? I don't know, I got nothing prepared. Let me see the questions. Right, well and I talked about this a couple weeks ago when I was on like they love him I love him and he did 30 minutes of crowd work as dr. Phil and the place is like this swinging from the rafters and growing each other and I come out and I'm like well

I started in Whitman Yeah, I know it's it's so true and you get a nice ovation walking out and he's great he's so good at the show but it is a lot of pressure and you feel like you're bombing so what I did was there was a there was like a 10 year old in the front row I just like let's get him up here. Oh that's fun. And now it's killing because we got a we got a subject matter. Right. So Santino fucked with the kid. The kid was the whole show.

And then it was one of these things where you're like, can we use that? We did 800 fuck this kid in the ass jokes. We did 900 pedophile jokes. Of course that's where it's going to go to. And the dad just gave us, it was like Adam Ray goes, can we use all this? This is your son. You're going to go to CPS. Your wife's going to divorce you. The dad goes, oh, use all this? This is your son, you're gonna go to CPS, your wife's gonna divorce you, and the dad goes.

Oh, okay, so you got permission. By the way, I love that you put separate categories for pedophilia and fuck your son in the ass. That's two different kinds of jokes. Well, that's two different weekends. There's 800 jokes about fucking in the ass and 900 about pedophilia. Yeah, he's a cute kid, too.

He was a good sport. And I go, who's your favorite comedian? He goes, good sport. And I go, who's your favorite comedian? He goes, Adam Ray. And I go, who's your second favorite? He goes, Matt Reif. I mean, the kid was adorable. Oh, that's adorable. That's very sweet.

So yeah, he'll be missed. But yeah, we had a great show, and then we hit the bar after. And that was it. But boy, that show is an institution. I'm excited. I'm excited to see that and my app I'm not gonna watch my app. I don't know why I said that I'm not gonna watch your app either I won't watch it. I don't even like comedy

Most things I say I'm gonna watch I'm not gonna watch no I'm like, oh, I'll check it out. Right, right I say I'll check it out 50 times a day crazy. I check it out. Yeah, yeah you know it's the worst when someone goes you got to check this out you go I'll check it out they go oh here it is oh god I can't with that and the first thing you do is you go how long is it they always look for that little number yeah no that's what you gotta be like it just send it to me I don't want to watch yeah yeah sorry I've been hogging what do you got there that's all right well we're at we're at an hour here oh geez

but we're recording nine episodes in three days So I got a bunch of stuff, but I'll save it for Monday. Oh jeez you got stuff. I got some stuff. I feel horrible. That's alright. We got more time. The show's not over That's true. The episode's over. The show's not over. Thank God. What are we 12 years running here? Something like that 11 think it's 11 Let's talk about some things though. Where are you going to be there fatty. Oh I got some big stuff. I have no idea when this comes out. No one does. Hold on. Let me find the page. Well first of all big fucking crazy news. Tom Dustin

portrait of a comedian. I keep talking about it. It is coming to a theater near you. Oh god my fucking tax stuff I hate tax stuff. It gives me such a fucking thing any kind of like you see that email Yeah, I talked to Craig Brooks. Did I tell you? Oh god What a long talk cuz the stocks through the floor right now. I know I had a long talk I said we're gonna be okay. All right. Thank you. Well, he said, you know, he said drops a fucking big. Well, I want, I don't want to say exactly what he said because he's a professional, but yeah, he said, you know, there's a lot of nonsense going, but eventually, cause he's just going, Oh, tariff this tariff that tariff that we're losing all of our money. I've lost quite a chunk. I bet you've lost. I can tell you right now you've lost a lot

of money. Come on. That's what I'm too scared to call them I've lost a bunch, but he said eventually, you know, the guys that fucking Buffoon for lack of a better term saying all the shit, but eventually all his people gonna be like hey Donnie boy Can you knock it off with this shit? And then it'll shoot back up and that's why you stay in because we'll be there for the bounce back Eventually, it will bounce back up and if it goes down maybe we can buy more or so I don't know I don't know how that works syndrome but he said if you get out you won't be able to get back in keep losing our money and eventually

all these people are gonna go fucking dude wait stop yeah fucking ass head well money is the only the only equalizer you know everything hey we got to do this we got to do that but once people start losing money they're like fuck it get your head on straight. Yeah so all right April 10th to the 12th I'm coming back to ACME for the first time in years and we're talking about off stage don't fuck around with getting these tickets because this is one of the eight markets I sell. So get those tickets. The early shows are pretty much sold out.

Aye, aye, aye, aye. So get the Thursday's almost sold out. So get the Late Show Saturday, Boston Wilbur Theater. This is another one. Don't fuck around. There's like 40 tickets left. Get those tickets. Then I'm coming to Rochester, New York,

May 1st through the 3rd. Cleveland, Hilarities, love that fucking room. What a room. May 15th through the 17th, and then hilarities. Love that fucking room. What a room. May 15th through the 17th and then back to the punchline in Atlanta. May 29th through 31st and of course the July New England tour. I'm going to be Vermont Comedy Club in Burlington, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, the music hall, early show sold out. We added a show there and the movie is coming this is the most important my comedy special is going to premiere in movie theaters in cinemas

who are you prior? May 21st IFC theater right across the street from the comedy cell your old place we can say that now. I can't wait I want to go. It's got a premiere there in a theater so you can watch the special in a crowd with laughs and popcorn flying and jerk-offs. Yes, it'll be fun. And then Tom Dustin portrait of a comedian, that will be playing at the Quad Cinema here in New York, starting April 25th. The River Oaks Theater in the Thousand Oaks,

whatever the fuck that rich neighborhood in Houston is, playing there. It's playing in San Francisco area. It's all up there. I'll get all the info to you guys hit me up whatever it is how's that work do you pay a chunk up front to have them play then you get the money on the tickets and the back I have no idea no we'll talk off this is gonna be the new thing oh look for the 90s I think I'm the first

pirate good cuz YouTube's done what so anyways Anyways, do that. Fuck me. I'm talking too much. But the movie, Tom Dustin Portrait of a Comedian, my special, coming to the theater near you. That's lunch. Can't wait to check it out. Can't wait to see it. And yeah, I'm all over the road. Queef it up. MarkNormanComedy.com. Follow us on Punch Up. I'm coming to a kweef near you. We got Napa Valley, Santa Barbara, Albany, Rochester, Portchester, Ithaca, doing some weird dates folks. Nashville, of course, at the Ryman. Then we got the big old fat sloppy Bristol, Tennessee, and Asheville make-up date for the old flood, New Brunswick, New Jersey

and yeah, a lot of Dallas going to the UK, London, Cardiff, Birmingham, Belfast, all that shit and Australia in the summer. Wait, different nationalities. Hello! G'day mate! Crocodile Hunter killed. So yeah, we'll see you in hell. Queef it up.

Thanks again. Praise Allah. I'm gay. Godbred.