Tuesdays with Stories! - #600 Happy Gays

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Starting point is 00:00:14 Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody!

Starting point is 00:00:26 Ah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't just walk away. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- We're back in the New York Jews. What's shaking? I haven't been in a Jew in a while. Hey, Jews! Fun. I fucked Ari on the batch of the party. Is this too many Jews right off the bat? Should we start over?

Starting point is 00:00:50 Oh, it's Jews! Everybody hates them. They're cool to hate now. No, what are you, crazy? We love them. They're number one. I'm trying to sell a Netflix special over here. I love them and you know where I stand, folks. The internet is very against it. Ball one! Strike two! Right down I stand for the internet is very against it ball one strike two

Starting point is 00:01:06 right down The plate down Broadway. There you go downtown Sore been doing these kettlebells Jerry really oh, I'm kettlebelling it up I'm in town all over here kettle hell ever had kettle corn. What is kettle corn? That's the bag of shit, right? It's like a little bag of things a bag of popcorn. It ever had kettle corn? What is kettle corn? That's the bag of shit, right? It's like a little bag of things. It's a bag of popcorn, but it's sweet. Right. Yeah, I don't know. I only like movie popcorn at the movies.

Starting point is 00:01:33 That is nice. I tried to do a bit about it. One time I saw people leaving the movie theater with popcorn. I'm like, you're taking the popcorn to go? It's not bad. Well, they love it. I mean, I had a bit about it because it was free refill.

Starting point is 00:01:45 Oh, the guy was refilling it before the movie. That was the joke. I was like, you fat piece of shit. There's so much of that fat piece of shit stuff. That's fun. Rupert. But once the movie's over, even when the movie's half over, I'm like, I'm done with popcorn.

Starting point is 00:02:01 Get out of it. That's such a specific. Is there another food that's so ingrained with an event? I got one. I got one too, I think. I wanted this to say one. The hot dog baseball game. No, I was thinking peanut circus.

Starting point is 00:02:15 Oh, that's even better because it's literally a circus peanut. But then there's a ball game wiener. Yeah, ball game hot dog. But I eat hot dogs out in the street also. So I guess that's why I'm thinking about hot dog at the ballgame is big. Here's a curveball. This is a little outside the cooter. Strike.

Starting point is 00:02:35 Now that baby's upset. He's been upset ever since I left. Yeah, baby, by the way. Who the hell is your wife sleeping with? That's the darkest thing I ever saw. Wow. We just took him out to the beach. She's tan. Gee whiz.

Starting point is 00:02:46 Pitch black hair, his skin is browner than your neighbors. Dicks are longer than sausages right there. Well, my grandmother's half Italian. I mean, my god. I was looking at May like, hey, what? You want to tell me his name? We've been in the neighborhood about a year, so it checks out. But, uh.

Starting point is 00:03:04 Jesus Christ! Yikes, he'll be playing for the NBA soon! I thought you spilled some motor oil on the kid. What is this? What's up? I just wanted to tell you that this is episode 599, just so you're aware. Oh, okay. Oh, because you were upset, because 500 we didn't do much. That's how we roll. People were very bent out of shape. We could do some stuff next week, I have some ideas. All right, we got ideas.

Starting point is 00:03:26 There was a couple guys last time were like, they didn't do anything for 500. Now you're outside the box. Tell me outside the box. Well, may, oh, first of all, maybe for the big 600, we could do a 23 and me on that piece of shit up there. Find out who's, what kind of octoroon this kid really is.

Starting point is 00:03:41 He looks like a globetrotter. Yeah. So, what the hell is that talking about? Well outside the box, peanuts, hot dogs, circus. Food event, moving. They always go, hey, help me move. Pizza and beer. It's a loosey goosey one, but there's always a pizza and beer with moving. I see, but there's pizza with, for me, in my planet of worlds, there's pizza any gathering. You get pizza, we'll get a pizza, we'll move to the house, we'll get a pizza, you move, we'll get a pizza.

Starting point is 00:04:13 Pizza party. Pizza party, we'll have a birthday pizza. Pizza's a go-to. But because Pizza Pussy Santa, everybody loves pizza. Everybody loves pizza. All right, it's going to be another food event. Well, it's birthday cake. Ah, cake, but that's not a, it's an event.

Starting point is 00:04:29 It's not like a, yeah, I guess so, birthday cake. Yeah, all right. Cake at a party. Yeah, okay. Hot dog at the ball game. Yeah, yeah, yeah, hot dog ball game. Snow cone, where you get the snow cone? Amusement park or carnival? Cotton candy. Cotton candy carnival. Carnival or carnival cotton candy cotton candy carnival

Starting point is 00:04:47 carnival cotton candy never got into cotton candy by the way no and a little offensive to the black folk oh yeah picking cotton candy come on doughboys what's doughboys doughboy that fried dough that you put powdered sugar on oh funnel cake funnel cake elephant, people call them different things. Doughboy, that's what I call Rupert. Wasn't doughboy the army in the military, World War II? Oh. Private Doughboy Orion or whatever.

Starting point is 00:05:14 Also a character in Boys in the Hood. Gee. I believe that was Ice Cube. Oh, right, right, right. After he fused with Ice-T. Sup, cuz? Domino motherfucker, what's happening? Then ice at the border, so.

Starting point is 00:05:27 Icy, baby. What it was? Yeah, I guess, yeah. That's probably it. Airplane peanuts as well. That's out, though, that's out. That's out, yeah. Peanuts, that's old.

Starting point is 00:05:37 In fact, we had a peanut allergy on the flight home from the wedding, and then I was hanging out with Madden, James Madden, who also has a peanut allergy. So I had like four days in a row of peanut allergies. Wow, those are real? I thought that was just a made up thing. No, that's serious. You could fucking kill Madden with a peanut.

Starting point is 00:05:53 Good to know. It's serious stuff. By the way, James Madden, killer hang. Great hang, funny guy, good egg. Good time. Well, I mean, you were in Bahamas. Yes, the Caribbean. And I was in Florida. We were just basking in the sun. Josh Baskin. Oh, big.

Starting point is 00:06:10 You got that straight. Shimmy, shimmy, Cocoa Pop, shimmy, shimmy, rah. By the way, they're at the carnival. Oh yeah, that's true. Eating cotton candy. Zoltar. Zoltar. What a film. That's a hell of a picture. Gary Marshall. He does fuck that old lady too,

Starting point is 00:06:25 which I think is rape. Was that Gary Marshall or Penny Marshall? Maybe it's Penny. Might've been Penny. Might've been Penny. I think it was Penny. Yeah, all right. I'd be wrong. Let's get a reading on that.

Starting point is 00:06:33 But I'm sure Gary had his hand in the dough, boy. Yeah, he always does. That is one hell of a picture. And that redhead, I think we looked him up before. We met him. Oh yeah, there he is. Gary! Along with Stamos, can we push in on that?

Starting point is 00:06:45 Yeah, that'd be perfect. I could use a little Windex on that framer. Yeah, my god. What did you do with this? Cosmo Framer. My old apartment was very dusty. I don't know what happened. This guy's still in the biz?

Starting point is 00:06:56 Nah, he killed himself. I'm pointing at Donnelly. Oh no. Is that pod going still, the suburb burbs? Ah, I hope so, because I did it. And if it's cancelled, I'm going to be pissed. I did it, it was fun. Give me a reading on that. Penny.

Starting point is 00:07:11 Penny. Take a penny, leave a penny. So what did Gary do? Gary did that 50s show. Oh, Laverne and Shirley. Laverne and Shirley, happy gays. Oh, yes, I love a happy gay, which is kind of an oxymoron. They're all absolutely a gay old time.

Starting point is 00:07:19 An oxymoron, a redundant. I think we looked him up before. I think he's a musician, that redheaded kid. He's a redheaded kid. He's a redheaded kid. He's a redheaded kid. He's a redheaded kid. He's a redheaded kid. He an oxymoron. Absolutely, a gay old time. Not an oxymoron, a redundant. I think we looked him up before, I think he's a musician, that redheaded kid who was in Big and Overboard.

Starting point is 00:07:33 And Honey I Shrunk. He was killing it, Honey I Shrunk. That kid blew up in the 80s, never to be seen again. I mean, he was awesome. I love that ginger, he was so funny, but got the boot, I guess. He might have gotten diddled. I'm your best friend. What's more important than that? What a line. Am I right, folks? All right, let's just get down. Let's get dirty. Let's get weird. I think neither one of us has a story, by the way. Well, I mean, Caribbean, five days, sunshine. We stayed on a resort,

Starting point is 00:08:01 which I'm not a resort guy. Well, once you have a baby, you got to become a resort guy. Exactly. In the pool. By the way, this flight down was just baby central. If Kevin Spacey was on there, he would have been hard. It was bananas. And we had the good kid. Nice, love the good kid.

Starting point is 00:08:19 We figured out the way to silence that thing, to quiet him down, to get him sleeping. He's eating, he's drinking, he drinking he passes out and then every other kids like They all got mouse ears on and boners. It was brutal. What'd you do? Give your kid a basketball a Get my rap DVD but well that's that well that that age is nice this age here because they usually They sleep so much great age if they even if scream, you shove a bottle in his asshole, he sleeps, it's a little bit later, they get a little more crazy, but I had good luck too,

Starting point is 00:08:50 and I've realized our formula, you need a midday flight for me, because that's nap time. Oh, interesting. Because we had 58 babies in the back, same thing, it was like the riot happening back there, but our baby was out. There you go. But yeah, I was thinking to you the whole time, Fatty, because it's just battle

Starting point is 00:09:10 stations. We're in the bathroom. She's got the door open. I'm handing her shit. She's flipping and flopping, moving that ball bag out of the way, scooping up the turds. You lock that diaper up, you get back to the seat. You got to put them down, put them back in the sweater, whatever it is. It was hell, but we knocked it out. No, it's good. Is that the first time flying? First flight, pop the Hymen. Nice.

Starting point is 00:09:31 Well done. You did it. That's the nice thing, you feel like a man. You just get through it as a white kid staring at us. Oh, he just backed up, he's boomwalking. Hey, what's he doing? All right. I did not care for that man one bit.

Starting point is 00:09:43 Now he knows where we live. He did a thing like he was on the camera, but he's not on the camera. That's true, he did this. He was like, get some curtains. I gotta get curtains. Get some curtains. Curtains for you.

Starting point is 00:09:57 If you could, curtains for us all. What do you got, a clock bar? Just a random protein bar. Alright. So yeah, flight, get there, and then when you get there, that's a whole other thing. You know what, here's one thing about the Bahamas, there's no Uber. So every cab is made up, like prices. Oh, geez.

Starting point is 00:10:15 So you go, hey, how you doing? We need to go to the Hotel Atlantis. And they go, I got you, I got you, my friend. They all sound Jamaican. I got you. Oh, where you from? Oh, New York, huh? The Jews, yeah, they're crazy. I got you. I got you my friend. They all sound Jamaican. I got to oh where you from? New York the Jews. Yeah, they're crazy. Happy gays and then you get out of the cab and he's like

Starting point is 00:10:32 Give me 70 bucks and you're like, oh really the last guy was 40 and he's like See haggle I got a haggle but they get you in the car It's much like a cat where you get in the car, once you're in the car they got you. Well this is the only thing too with the baby, you're so vulnerable because you just want to get the fuck out of there. I'm weak. The kid's crying, you got the thing, the stroller, he goes $148, you go ah here's $150 you piece

Starting point is 00:10:59 of shit, where's the kid, got the shoes, where's the diaper, my asshole fell out, I came on your back. And then another thing with the kid is if anyone who's the diaper my asshole fell out I came on your back and then another thing with the kids if anyone who's nice to you like I dropped the passfire and the lady's like I got it and you're like oh I want to eat you out right now you saved my life. I'm saying yes anyone that takes care of this thing you just want to blow. Yes and then I picked that passfire up and and then give it to them. Yeah you hawk to you all over it. Oh yeah. But yeah, no, you really, you really, that travel becomes a whole different thing. Now the next flight you take, not with them. Oh, I can't wait. I can't wait. It's like the weights are off the bat. Exactly.

Starting point is 00:11:36 Or two bats. What is it? Either way, the donut. Donut. Yes. Now donut, is that associated with anything besides police? Oh, yeah. Donuts big for like a movie set, a set bagels or something. Or an office. Or like a morning. I think morning. Yeah, hey, I brought donuts to the office. I love donuts.

Starting point is 00:11:55 I got a serious sugar problem, buddy. Well, you need a vice, Fanny. I need a vice because I woke up, whatever night it was, Sunday morning, I took the baby out, he woke up, I put him in the car, he had a front facing seat in the rental car, which was fun. So I could just kinda do this, and what are you doing? Oh wow, front facing seat. The car seat was facing front instead of back.

Starting point is 00:12:17 Oh, how do you like that? Yeah, it was pretty fun, I like it a lot, because you can look, because I almost killed three hobos because I just kept looking at him, because he's so damn adorable pegging cute old men begging But anyway, I went to the drive-thru and then he fell asleep so I'm like well

Starting point is 00:12:35 He just takes an hour nap. So let me drive around for an hour. Yeah, and then you see that big pink Duncan There's no more donuts anymore. Just Duncan. I know you feel like Homer Simpson. You're like Exactly. So I'm like, I can't get out of the car. They got a drive-through. I can't go to IHOP, I can't eat anywhere. That's too much. So I hit that drive-through and I go, let me get two glazed donuts.

Starting point is 00:12:57 The guy goes, two glazed donuts? Ah, the best. And I go, you know what? Why don't you go ahead and make it three? Yeah, we're all here. It was three glazed donuts, and I tell you, I put down three glazed donuts in four minutes. In front of the kids.

Starting point is 00:13:09 While you're sleeping. Oh, thank god. That's a horrible sight for a father. Like a fucking wood chipper. I'd fucking wipe cum all over my cheeks, and the shoulder from the night before. You get that dandruff glaze on you. Yes.

Starting point is 00:13:20 It's all over you. Oh, I'd do this move and suck it off. Oh, you freeze. But then 10 hours later, I'm at Starbucks getting my evening perk. And I see that brownie in the case just going, hey, Joe. You got a problem. How you doing, big boy?

Starting point is 00:13:34 And I go, hey, let me get a brownie. And I forgot. So now I've had three donuts and a brownie. And then we go get Italian delivered, but my parents are there, the whole thing. So I go, well, you got to get tiramisu. There's tiramisu on the menu. I'm ordering it. And I'm not even thinking. Now it's 11 o'clock. So I go, well, you gotta get Tiramisu. There's Tiramisu on the menu, I'm ordering it.

Starting point is 00:13:45 And I'm not even thinking, now it's 11 o'clock. I've had three donuts, a chocolate brownie, and a Tiramisu up my ass. I'm shedding a Tiramisu here, this is obscene. Luckily I've been doing a six minute kettlebell every day. If you name one more dessert, Rupert's gonna fall out of the aviation duck. But.

Starting point is 00:14:01 He can't fit in the duck. That's true. Quack. Duck tape. But, true. Quack! Duct tape. But, Jesus, that's a lot of sugar. It's not good. R.F.K.'s gonna sue you. I know. He's gonna slap it out of my hands.

Starting point is 00:14:12 Grrrr. Boy, that poor guy. I told you I had that throat thing. I'm like, how does that guy live his life? I don't know. You wanna go just take a Halls and a Losseng and take it the night off. And learn sign language and, you know, maybe get some kind of vaccine for that puppy. Doesn't have the same effect if that guy's doing the signing.

Starting point is 00:14:31 But yeah, wow, that's a lot of sugar. You know what my move is? Tell me. I want a donut. I love a donut. A hot, wet, faggy donut. Put it right in my ass. Give me the twist.

Starting point is 00:14:44 The crawler. I love that twist. Put that right in my ass. Give me the twist. The crawler. I love that twist. Put that right in and peg me, Ronan. But yeah, so I get the holes. Oh, the munchkins. The munchkins, because I feel like I'm not eating a full donut, but you still get the fix.

Starting point is 00:14:57 Yeah, I gotta tell you right now, talking about this, I want a donut. Oh, you know what? I kinda want a donut. What's the deal with donuts? How's their whole? I watched that doc, have you watched the donut doc on Delta Flies, the Vietnamese?

Starting point is 00:15:10 About minchels or minchels, winchels? It's all Vietnamese, Jerry. They take over these people. They find a thing and they excel. Right, I guess so. But yeah, so I pop the munchkin and here's a fun little life hack. You go, hey, give me a cup of coffee. You know what, throw me one, how much pop the munchkin, and here's a fun little life hack. You go, hey, give me a cup of coffee.

Starting point is 00:15:26 You know what, throw me one, how much is one munchkin? Well, we don't have a button for one. Do you want 12 or six? I go, ah, give me one. I go, take it, you piece of shit. That's not bad. Throw it in your mouth like a seal. That's pretty good.

Starting point is 00:15:39 Another life hack is six of them cost a buck 50. But I don't want six. That's a life hack. You can hand them out like Santa Claus. But if you get sick, yeah, you're eating a donut and a half basically. Well, I can't I can't stop. And I got a tiramisu addiction because again, and I hate to keep throwing the child out there, but you get to 7 p.m., you shove him into bed

Starting point is 00:16:00 and you're like, whoo, and I can't have a drink. I can't have a fucking. Right. Right. So I order a meal and I get some Taremasu and I tear through the Taremasu. Taremasumi. I'm not knocking it. If you're going to have a vice, is it? But the problem with the sugar is with Coke or fentanyl, you got to go out into an alley, meet a Mexican. He's got a switch blade. You got toblade, you gotta have some cash together, maybe get jumped. This is right there in the jewel case. That's true.

Starting point is 00:16:29 Well, by the way, you're talking about cash. I mean, I'm getting tiramisu delivered from Serafina's. No! Do a quick search at home what that costs you. I could buy a pound of Coke. Oh yeah, this is crazy. All right, go back to the Coke, the Percocet, whatever, because you're just going to spend a fortune just that delivery alone.

Starting point is 00:16:47 I know, I know. I'm somewhat upset that Nate beat me to this, the Uber Eats, what do you call it? He uses DoorDash. He's got a long DoorDash bid about ordering from here, order from there. He's like, I'm ordering a $50 ice cream. By the way, I was hanging out with Nate this weekend.

Starting point is 00:17:01 He did a Super Bowl commercial for DoorDash. They gave him a cool 10 G's in his DoorDash account. That'll get him about four cookies. Is that something else? That is pretty good. That's why you got to get in these commercials. We should have a Chipotle gold card by now. Well I'm doing a tonight, I think the problem is we're jerking each other off in the video. That'll do it. I don't think I don't think Nate was like, I love door to door gash. Um, this button is killing me. Yeah. Yeah. It's a bunch of a button. Have we plugged the Patreon, the splinter Patreon? When does this come out? When does that come out? Because that's gonna splinter comes out.

Starting point is 00:17:42 Oh, this Friday. Okay, so it'll be out. So it'll be out by this is out. Yes. Folks, I know we're always plugging the Patreon. Everyone's plugging the Patreon. Patreon this, Patreon that. Yes, it's a Splinter Wonderland. We haven't even told the story because it happened post-recording. I never watched it. I don't even know what that happened. Oh, what? Are you kidding? I had no idea. Oh, you're missing out, fatty. It is a banger.

Starting point is 00:18:06 Well, let me tell you this. And also, let me, this just comes with a warning, an FDA, a PTA. What's that called? PSA. NWA. PSA. I see. Paul Sampson Anderson.

Starting point is 00:18:16 NWA is my neighbor. The whole group is here. Folks, this episode of Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Shopify. We've all done it. You're on the couch filling up your online shopping cart and you realize you left your wallet in the other room. You'll probably just forget about it and order later. Maybe.

Starting point is 00:18:37 Make abandoned carts a thing of the past with Shopify. Shopify powered stores have the purple shop button. It has all your payment and shipping information saved, saving you time, and it's why Shopify has the best converting checkout on the planet. Shopify makes everything easier from checkout to creating your own storefront with hundreds of ready to go templates by putting out all,

Starting point is 00:18:59 putting all the important tasks in one place, you're getting a leg up on day one. Shopify is the commerce platform behind 10% of all e-commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark. If you want to see less carts being abandoned, it's time for you to head over to Shopify. Cha-ching! Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Go to Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Hey, hey folks, Chew Your Stories brought to you by Bluechew. It's time to get out there

Starting point is 00:19:38 and meet somebody already. If it's a soft sausage that's holding you back, well Bluechew's got what you need. They send chewable tablets right to your front door. They are that are gonna make you a beast in the bedroom. Just head to the website, talk with one of the licensed medical providers, and if they approve you, you'll get your medicine in days. I did the BlueChew train. It was great. This stuff works. Keep it on you. You never know. Keep it in the pocket and chew that puppy up. It was great. This stuff works. Keep it on you. You never know. Keep it in the pocket and chew that puppy up. It actually tastes pretty good and it will not let you

Starting point is 00:20:12 down and you won't let the lady down. There you go. Peel it and stick it. They even taste like mint so your breath can be fresh too. Hey, that's a twofer. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at BlueChew.com. Hey, that's a twofer. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at BlueChu.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of BlueChu free when you use promo code Tuesdays. Just pay five bucks in shipping. That's promo code Tuesdays. Visit BlueChu.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Choo for sponsoring the show. So never try the, not all the right moves, what's the other one? Risky

Starting point is 00:20:55 business. Oh yeah the sliding. Don't do it. It never works out. Tom Dustin my friend, I made a movie about him, it's coming to theater near you. He did it once, little drunk, slipped, feet go out like a fucking banana peel, landed on his elbow, shattered his elbow, fractured. Wow. Yeah, well.

Starting point is 00:21:16 It's the biggest 180, the quickest 180 from fun time, cool dude, living the dream, to I'm in hell, this is the biggest mistake of my life I want to kill myself you understand everything I did the same thing You know Marty runs around the corner and I go I'm gonna give him a risky business. I put on Seeger I accidentally put on still the one which doesn't work as well Slower so I run I slide I go It was like the sticky bandits So I run, I slide, I go, yeah! I go, wah!

Starting point is 00:21:45 It was like, fuck, one of the sticky bandits. Oh, yeah. A sliver the size of my cock just shoots right into my heel. I saw this thing. It was like my son's dick. It was, I mean, I wish it was that girthy. It was black. It was long and dark, shiny and black.

Starting point is 00:22:01 And it was throbbing. I was like, what? And you look like a fucking H-O-M-O because your son is like, what's with dad? What's wrong with him? And it's throbbing. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:17 And I took a look, and it was just too far in there. And it was in a spot. I mean, we talked about it in the picture. I couldn't work with it. Because if I do this, I've got to go left-handed. And if I do this I got to go left-handed, if I do this my hips gonna pop back out. Yes, yes, dysplasia. So, that's my neighbor's name. I asked my wife, I was like, I need you to operate on my foot and she was like, okay,

Starting point is 00:22:36 but then you're like, you can't have a woman doing a thing. Too delicate, they're nice people, they're very caring, but you got to get a little meat in there, a little elbow jizz. So I thought, I'm coming out here, and I left it in overnight by the way. This thing was like a Christmas turkey. That's why, because it was sealed. Well, I'm like Terminator 2, T-1000, whatever. I just went...

Starting point is 00:22:57 Yes, it did have a film. A little film, great film. Tom Dustin, portrait of a comedian, theater near you. Adult film. So I came here, I thought, first of all, I need it out of my foot. We need content. This can't miss. Genius. But now I got to come in here and say, I really appreciate you trusting me with this because this is a tall order. That's what I call you. But this is a big to do. This is a medical thing. This is a pain thing. This is a medical thing.

Starting point is 00:23:25 This is a pain thing. This is a comfort thing, a vulnerability thing. There's a lot going on here. Well, I mean, you're right. It was a big ask and a big belief. Thank you. And by the way, you would have been 30th on my list, but I don't have a Patreon with the 29 other guys.

Starting point is 00:23:40 That's a good point. That's why you gotta start a pod with somebody you wanna get closer to. Yeah, so I mean, I would have flown to LA and had Chris Walsh do it or somebody. But I thought I thought you could do it. You know you're a dad now. You're you're you're grown up. Yes, I was a Cub Scout. I've worked with tools and I don't have one right now. I don't have a what do you call I'm not squeamish. Some guys go, oh, the skin, the blood, oh, period, Sax,

Starting point is 00:24:09 I can't do it. Not me, I'm down in there with a snorkel. No squeam. I mean, I was a little squeamy when you came back with literally a thumbtack, a push pin, as your weapon of choice. That's true. We had tweezers, a thumbtack, we lit it on fire.

Starting point is 00:24:24 Yeah. In the oven, had a big dirty pot of bath water. Yeah. And this is a full, everyone wants 60 minute full episode Patreons. This is a 60 minute video. He had to slice my foot open. And I was a man about it. I didn't make any noise.

Starting point is 00:24:41 No. Or any whining or crying or screaming or fist biting. Nothing, nothing. But it, you hung in there and it felt like one of those, uh, those old cop movies where they go, they, the guy can't get a bullet wound in the hospital. So he's got to go to the back alley weirdo doctor and he goes, dad, he pulls the bullet out and puts it in that tin. Yes, exactly. So I felt like that guy like it's off the books. I got you Reggie. And man, I can't, it was multiple attempts. I don't want to give anything away. It was something else. I mean, it was 60 minutes. It was like a, it was like a fucking wrestling

Starting point is 00:25:14 match, but it was beautiful. It's on the page and you must see it. You got to see it. Must see TV. Must queef TV. Yeah. We'll put it on that category. You got a little cookbook. Oh, you got it. You got it. You need a munchkin like Neil Young. But anyway, so tell me about the Bahamas, because I got some wedding shit, but nothing crazy. You got nothing crazy. Nothing crazy. I mean, we did the resort, but then you feel guilty. You feel like I'm a fucking fat guy from Cleveland with no culture. I said, let's get to the city.

Starting point is 00:25:42 Let's go to the nitty gritty black area. Okay. I mean, we, we, we lived there. We did it again. We might as well go what's familiar and I want my son to meet his father. So, uh, we go out there and we go to what they call the fish fry. Fish fry is, uh, basically a strip of janky ass restaurants on the beach. That's like the locals go. Okay. is basically a strip of janky ass restaurants on the beach that's like the locals go. And a couple of brave honkies are out there. So we're pushing and they don't fuck around out there.

Starting point is 00:26:12 There's guys like, there's a fucking rooster walking around. There's a guy going, oh, you smoke cigar. And then you kind of like, you don't wanna give too much cause then they never let you go. A lot of guys selling shit. Hey, you smoke a cigar? Yeah, well, what do you got? I got a Cohiba.

Starting point is 00:26:28 And I go, oh, how much? He goes, for you, $20. And I go, all right, I can swing that. I get the Cohiba, fucking label falls off immediately. And I go, ah, I'm sure I'm drinking a swisher sweet or whatever the hell that was. But we start popping around around we got the baby too That's the hard thing you got the baby

Starting point is 00:26:47 So you're on your own high alert right because it's one thing to get shanked and pickpocketed alone with the wife I can handle that yeah, I'll give her away, but with the child you're like ah this is a real What do you call it liability? Yes? So we find the one place called Goldies. We get in there, and it is beautiful. Just water. It's basically a restaurant on a dock. I love that. And you just look out in the water,

Starting point is 00:27:13 and you get a conch salad. Ooh. You know the conch that's that big, hoo hoo hoo. Of course. Key West, the Conch Republic. Oh, there you go. Didn't he play for the Patriots? Conch Republic. The conch. Gronk. he play for the Patriots? Conk Republic. The Conk.

Starting point is 00:27:27 Gronk. Gronk. Yes. Gronkowski. Yes. Hey, that guy's so annoying. Oh, really? It's a nup already. You're not a Gronk fan. Well, I liked him as a player. He just never stops. He's like half retarded. He's in every commercial, every TV show, but he's in the comedy world. So I love him. But every time I turn on the TV, I look at my my wife's eyes I can see him in there fucking her. Oh yeah he is all

Starting point is 00:27:49 man that guy is a big beefy tard. Yeah I suppose so. He's not my idea of a man. Well I mean I'm not fucking him but I'd go down on him. Yeah why not. I like him fine. Tall, big, meaty. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, he's something. Something. I don't even know what position he is. Tight end. How about that? Perfect. I'll get in there. So, I'll receive. Folks, I'll punt.

Starting point is 00:28:16 Okay, if there's grass on the field. So, we go to Goldie's, and we got the beautiful view, we get the conks out of conk. They got the, it's like a muscle in there. You pull it out, you make a salad out of it. It looks like a slug, it's horrifying. So we get some jerk chicken, some pork chops, some conk fritters.

Starting point is 00:28:36 I got a couple of margaritas and then, the baby goes ape shit. Everybody hates us. You're doing, I'm doing the sorry, sorry. I know. It's brutal. And the waitress comes up and goes, we got a little walking out. You can walk out on the pier. So I walk out on the pier. He showed the kid the ocean. It'll all ... You'll see a turtle. It'll all go gravy. I go, all right, great. Baby shit's all over

Starting point is 00:29:02 me. And I undo it. There there's diarrhea everywhere and you just want to throw it in the ocean. You go, it's right here, nobody would know, the shark would eat it, but you get- I think he's a seal. Yeah, you got to get creative. So now I just go fuck it and I go back inside crying baby, everybody hates me. You get the wipes, you get the diaper. I throw that fucker down on the deck,

Starting point is 00:29:29 change his diaper, wipe his ass up, throw the diaper in the ocean, zip him up, bring him right back out, good to go. And they usually shit right after that. Like that. Hey, perfect. It usually sounds a little something like that. Nice little delay there. Yeah, sorry about that. Don't cut that. No, that was good.

Starting point is 00:29:47 Cut the little... It was like a field reporter. What do you got out there, Bob? But yeah, so it just... That's the one thing about a baby. It makes you have to like improvise and get crafty and go outside the comfort anal. And it really just turns the volume down on all the other stuff. Oh my god. Somebody's like, hey, don't forget you got an email. And I'm like, ah, I don't think so. Yeah, like Elon Musk bought

Starting point is 00:30:13 the Childhood of America company. And you're like, ah, what? I got a screaming baby here. Yeah, I'm not gonna worry about that. Yeah, so, but we had a great time and we spent a million dollars on cabs. Get back to the resort, nothing better than the beach in the morning. Oh, forget about it. Who you talking to over here? The heels. Because, you know, you get that beach at 1 p.m. it's like, God damn, my skin is burnt. Look at my leg. Look at

Starting point is 00:30:38 that. I saw that earlier. You look like one of those ladies that leaves the bus and you're like, are you okay? You live with a fat swollen ankle, they look like that color. Yes, yes. My face looks like a burn victim's tits. That's terrible. Oh yeah, well I scratch it, that's the problem. Yeah, it looks very red.

Starting point is 00:30:56 It hurts. So I'm doing this all night under the covers. But the beach in the morning, cause it's like the sun's coming out, it's quiet, I got the kid out there. You wake up at 7 a.m. with this piece of garbage, so you might as well get out there. And that's really when you're like, oh, we're on vacation here. This is vacation.

Starting point is 00:31:14 We are listening to the ocean. It's like a live sound machine. And had a couple of Sands, that's their local beer. Sands? Sands, give me a sands light. And a Sandy Hook and had a couple of those. You take a little cat nap, the baby's out. I got some photos. Oh, we'll put them in. We'll plug them right in. I got the baby on the beach chair like this. Ah, that's a good feeling. Ah, it's the best. We'll just put a black bar over his dick. Yeah, but his dick over his dick So, yeah, yeah, we had a great time and the flight back was hectic we do that today and We had to go through customs and all that everything is just it's your it's like you said it's it's weights on now when does your

Starting point is 00:31:59 License expect starting in May you need real ID to fly. Huh? Do you know about this? I got an ID. They get rid of it? I heard they get rid of it. Do you still have to do it? R-E-A-L. R-E-A-L. Real ID. They've been talking about this for two years.

Starting point is 00:32:12 I think starting May, you need a passport or real ID. And I went to make an appointment because my license is expiring and you can't get an appointment, Jerry. This isn't a real ID? There's a new thing happening. No, no, this is some- An hologram on that bitch. I think this isn't a real ID. There's a new thing happening. No, no. This is Graham on that bitch. I think this is some bullshit right here. Really?

Starting point is 00:32:28 Well, I got two of them. Yeah. See it expires on your birthday this year. It says may 7th, real ID driver's license will be required to board domestic flights. Yeah, this is that this is nothing. Well, how black people get a vote. This is some horseshit. I mean, yours expired. Everyone's license expires this year. Oh, mine, Sarah's, Karen's yours. You might have one. I accidentally have like a passport license. They send it to me with my passport when I went to the Bahamas last year and I have one. I already have one. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I haven't got one, but mine expires like this Sunday and I got to drive. I went to make an appointment today because it's my only day home and Sunday, and I got a drive. I went to make an appointment today

Starting point is 00:33:05 because it's my only day home, and nothing happened. Well, you got till September. What is the- But May's. Is this a Trump thing? No, no, it's been a while. What is the, what's the reasoning? Oh, maybe I got one of these. Does this work? Is this it?

Starting point is 00:33:18 That looks like a military ID. It's not a driver's license, it's an ID. Passport card, but it's not a driver's license. Is this an immigrant thing? I don't get why. What changed? This has been happening for a while. I've seen it at airports for like three years. Don't forget 2025. It's one of those things that you're like, well, that's down the road. Now it's here. Oh my lord. I might have one of these. Look at one of that, Mark. You might have that. I don't have this. This is top notch.

Starting point is 00:33:41 This is brand new. Yeah, it's hard. Oh yeah. What is that, tin? I think so. Good catch. I'll just do the passport then. I can't go another DMV. It's too much. That's how I feel. But I got to remember it, because I'm flying to Minneapolis next week. And I got to have this passport.

Starting point is 00:33:53 I also have to suck my own dick in front of my father. Yeah, well, that's what you do for Father's Day. Holy shit. That's Father's Day. We got a Father's Day now. Oh yeah. We're men. Hey.

Starting point is 00:34:03 We're men with jobs, Jerry. Look at that. But that's Mother's Day too, so that kind of cancels it out. That comes up first. They always do. I like a Mother's Day, it's fun. Well, you feel like a man. You eat her out, you rub her feet, you buy her a shoe. All right. You'll get the other shoe if you blow me. Now we're talking. Shoes on the other foot. So yeah, so yeah, that was the bomb was it was just a great time. We hit the, we hit the Tiki bar, we hit the water slides. It's just tough cause it's, you don't really get to see each other. You're like,

Starting point is 00:34:33 all right, I'll take the baby. You hit the water slide. And then she comes back all wet and going, whoa, that was crazy. They're like, all right, here you go. Take the fat man. I'll hit the water slide. Right, right. Yeah. It's a lot of splitting. Yes. It's all splitting scheduling. And then it's all splitting, scheduling, and then it's tough too, because he's two and a half months, so you go, look a shark, and he's going... And then he spits up on himself.

Starting point is 00:34:54 Well, the one thing we're not splitting is the bill, folks. That's on us. You're welcome. But let me just tell you, and I've said it to you in private, I've said it to you in person, the first year, you're really just faking it. Oh, it's beautiful, it's spiritual, I love it.

Starting point is 00:35:11 Nothing's ever been better. I couldn't love it more. I never thought I'd love it. And then they start walking and talking and then you're like this, okay, all the stuff I said, but for real now. They smile, they laugh, they say things, they get jokes, they hold the ball, they throw the ball, they kick it, they wipe their butt, they pretend to wash their hands,

Starting point is 00:35:33 they pretend to feed to the bottle, and then you're like, now we're talking. All right. So you got the brightest, happiest, meaningful, beautiful time just right around the corner. Now you get every every eight hours you get four minutes of like, this is kind of cool. But mostly it's like, all right you take that, I'll take this, he's sleeping, he's shitting, oh but your kid looks more like a boy today than he did when I was here a week ago.

Starting point is 00:35:58 Is that right? Wow, everybody keeps saying that. Yeah, it's crazy. It's a different kid. Very exciting. We swapped him out of the airport on accident. But one year from today, he'll Oh yeah. Why do people keep saying that? Yeah, it's crazy. It's a different kid. Huh. Very exciting. We swapped him out of the airport on accident. By one year from today, he'll be going, shark, turtle. Right. Mom's asshole, dad's cock. And you're like, yes, that's so funny. I can't believe you can see that from this distance.

Starting point is 00:36:17 I'll tell you, I made sure to snap some photos because he's not going to remember this by a long shot. So I can go, oh, I'm a bad dad. Look at that. here you are with a stingray in the water. Well that's how I feel all the time, I'm like just take photos and videos in case I die. I could die, I'm eating brownies and tiramisu like it's fucking gasoline. God willing.

Starting point is 00:36:39 Yes. And that didn't make sense. Gaslighting. But you know you hope if you die he can go wow my dad really cared about me. Right, right, okay that's good, that's good. Boy if you if we die that would really be a load-off. Yeah, it'd be nice. Yeah, you'd love to die and then come back in another life. Not like some, what do you call that? Reincarnation. Thank you, not that, just like you wake up

Starting point is 00:37:06 and you're like, oh, I get to go over here now, now I live in Detroit. Well this is the thing, there's not enough life to, you just wanna do so many things. I feel this way all the time, I'm like, I wanna back pap, back pap, pap smear, I wanna go to Europe, kind of a hot mom outside right now. Hey, that's our neighbor actually.

Starting point is 00:37:25 Oh really? Yeah. She's cute as a button. That's trouble. Yeah, I like her. I like her style. But anyways, you wanna have sex with her, you wanna have sex with a guy,

Starting point is 00:37:35 you wanna have a podcast, you wanna make a movie, you wanna go to China, you wanna go to fucking whatever the hell, the moon, whatever it is, there's 3,000 things I'd love to do every day. And a lot of life is just going all right. Yeah, and then the crazy thing is moon, whatever it is, there's 3,000 things I'd love to do every day. I know. And a lot of life is just going, all right. Yeah. And then the crazy thing is you have an exciting ass life.

Starting point is 00:37:50 You go on the road, you do stand-up for hundreds of people, you do a movie, it's premiering at this, it's going to that, you go into a comedy festival, you're hanging out with your son in New York City. Right. But all those things make you enjoy life, which makes you wanna do more. Yes, yes. People that don't do anything, they don't even wanna do anything more

Starting point is 00:38:11 because they're like, I'm not doing anything, I'm just sitting here. They're stationary. Yeah. Totally. They're like, I don't wanna do anything. Yeah, and stuff that you bring up stuff, they go, oh, you go, hey, you wanna go climb Mount Everest? They go, what? No, I got a pizza coming.

Starting point is 00:38:24 Right. And you're like, all right, fine, take a chance. You get a go climb Mount Everest? They go, what? No, I got a pizza coming. Right. And you're like, all right, fine, take a chance. Get a pizza in Mount Everest. Hey, there you go. You know they have Wi-Fi up there? Is that right? Fun fact, yeah. No kidding.

Starting point is 00:38:34 Also. At the top, you mean at base camp? Ah, I think it's the peak. I don't think humans can't even hit the peak, let alone Wi-Fi. Was there a router up there? I think so. I think they got a good signal. No, base it's gotta be well how in base camp close to

Starting point is 00:38:49 the tip no I think it's anywhere near the tip that's that's why you die I thought that was the whole thing you got a climb if you're gonna climb it you gotta climb to the top no you fly to base camp fly you gotta climb no no you fly to base camp you climb from base camp. Oh, I can do that. Well, I always want to go to base camp. Just hang around, eat a hot dog, some circus peanuts, go, how you guys doing? You watch people come back and be like, we had five more people, they're all dead. And you're like, that sucks.

Starting point is 00:39:16 Take a photo. I heard this tiramisu at base camp. I don't want to squeak your wheels. But it's the same with the lodge at the ski thing. You ski, you ski, you ski, but you really just want to get that beer and the chili in the lodge. Yeah, you want to get that meal, don't you? When you're feeling good, is that a lot?

Starting point is 00:39:35 You get to take the boots off for a second because you're walking around like a gay cowboy all day on that boot camp or a base camp with the skiing. But yeah. I never skied in my whole life. Whoa! Zero skis. By the way, can you do this with your leg, the double wrap around? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:39:53 It looks like hell. See, I got it wrapped around twice. I don't think I can. Now you got to hook that foot around that leg. Ah! Oh, jeez, my dick. Clip it. Hold on.

Starting point is 00:40:04 Look at this. Ah! That's yoga. Give me a wee. Now kick those toes. Ah! It burns. Oh yeah, I forgot about the burn.

Starting point is 00:40:12 Is this in the shot? Okay. There you go. That's all that matters. Yeah, never skied. I mean, we had no place to go. I mean, we grew up in New England, but nobody in my family skied or had money to do the thing.

Starting point is 00:40:25 Isn't it expensive? You got to rent the thing and the other thing. Super expensive. That's why I never skied with my family, because they were like, we're not doing that. But I always had friends who ski, and I said, can I go, please? Yeah, I'm always fascinated that you're from New Orleans,

Starting point is 00:40:37 but you snowboard and ski. How did that come to pass? I'm not saying I ski. I have skied. Right, but you've skied a bit. I've skied a bit in my later life, with the Ari setting up a ski trip, and I'm like, I'm in, I've gone to that four times.

Starting point is 00:40:51 But yeah, one time my friend's dad drove from New Orleans to Colorado. Wow. That was the longest drive of my life, I wanted to kill myself. He was hopped up on Altoids, just gunning, smoking cigarettes and eating Altoids and that was it. It's pre Red Bull pre Adderall Pre everything just fresh breath raw dog in the highway

Starting point is 00:41:14 And we didn't stop Wow, maybe to get gas. I would think What do you think that is? That's gotta be 40 hours if I'm gonna get let me just Don't say anything, Chuck. Get on it, Dick. New Orleans to where we talking? Denver? Aspen. Let's just say Denver. Aspen. That's even farther than Denver, I believe. Oh, really? No, no, it's Breckenridge. Well, I don't know Breckenridge so well. Tell your ride. Tell your ride? Tell your bride. Tell your mom, tell your pa. Let's go Denver. I'm going to say 32

Starting point is 00:41:48 and a half hours. Wow. Okay, I'll say 30. Final answer, one dollar. But that was hell. Even as a 13 year old, I wanted to kill myself. What do we got? Denver driving. And this is pre-iPhone

Starting point is 00:42:04 by the way. New Orleans to Denver. You said this look at the window. So you said 32 and you said 30. 19 hours 53 minutes. Yeah. Wow. It felt like nine days. Yeah. 20 hours is a lot of driving in a minivan with nothing to do. And this is like before the TV on the headrest before Twitter before tick tock and just going. Right. You got to do 99 bottles of beer in my ass. I'm vials of cup in my mouth. Maybe if you get one of these you go, oh, two tickets to paradise. You know, like a hot song would come on that you knew. Yeah, that was about the biggest joy. And

Starting point is 00:42:43 sometimes you got a nap in and then you do the license plates. Yeah, yeah. License plate all that shit. That was the biggest joy. Sometimes you got a nap in. And then you did the license plates. We'd have to find a license plate, all that shit. Punch buggy. Right. Hit the minorities. That gets points. I'm so old. I remember driving in New York City with a boom box. I had a, what kind of shitty car? Chrysler or something. Radio Rahim? It didn't work. And me and Lamont Price drove down and I had a book of CDs and he just held a boombox and I had DVDs. Wow. Swear to God, that's how piece of shit broke we were.

Starting point is 00:43:11 Yeah, I remember those days. Or maybe it was my 87 Buick Century, I think it was. And he just held a boombox and we just put in the CDs and listened to it and sang along. That's tough too, cause that boombox, you hit a bump, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr,

Starting point is 00:43:23 you pop over three songs. It was Bad News Bears. But let me give you some of this Florida. Yes, I was down in the sun myself. I was in pompano beach, which is a little north of Fort Lauderdale. Okay. Which I had only ever heard pompano beach when I was a kid. There was a wrestler from pompano beach. I couldn't realize, remember which one turned out it was that you're a wrestling quiff, Chuck.

Starting point is 00:43:47 Though this guy named the warlord was built as from Pompano Beach, which is so funny because he had like a metal face and like a stick and he was the warlord from Pompano Beach. I'm like, I don't get it. Right. He's like a, he's like a Jew on the beach. And this is also funny, which James Madden pointed out, because he's a big wrestling nut. He was in a team called Powers of Pain. And they were like the knockoff, what did they call? Animal and Hawk, Road Warriors.

Starting point is 00:44:15 They were like the cheap version of that. But they were from Parts Unknown. Ooh, I like that. That was a big thing in wrestling. It was like, from Parts Unknown. That's cool. But then they split up, and they found out where he was from. Papadou Beach. How funny is that? I like that. I like that. From Parts Unknown. That's cool. But then they split up and they found out where he was from. Pompano Beach.

Starting point is 00:44:26 How funny is that? That is funny. He's from prices on Parts Unknown. And then he's like, ah, we split up, I'm going to my own. You're like, all right, so we'll just Pompano Beach. I wonder if the other guy's like, what are you doing? You're giving it away, you chooch. Pompano Beach.

Starting point is 00:44:40 Ah. It's like old people and like, everyone's like at that red, like they look like your leg and they're just out trying to like power walk. I'm like that's where the warlord is from? Like at least Undertaker's from Death Valley. Right. You can't be from Pompano Beach. He should be from Siberia or something like that. Yeah, why not lie? Just go, ah I'm from the Ukraine. Exactly. But I think they had that guy. They had Nikolai Volkov.

Starting point is 00:45:06 Oh, OK. It's all very silly. Yeah. But anyway, so Zvekion's family's down there. His mother's 150. So the wedding was down there. And just an exciting time. I love a hang when you're all in suits.

Starting point is 00:45:19 It was Soder, Bargatze, Maddern, Aruba Ray Ellen, Big Jay Okerson. Jesus, what a crew. Me, Sarah, Hannigan, Kramer, the butler. That's one of those weddings where you go, ah, maybe, who's going? Oh, they're going, all right, I'm in. Right, it was hot fun, hot fudge. Hotlanta.

Starting point is 00:45:40 Who was, oh, Ari. Jesus Christ, I spaced on Ari. That was terrible. Ari was there? Oh yeah, big time. Jesus, he must spaced on Ari. Ari was there? Oh yeah. Jeez. He must've showed up. They're like, aha, you're one of us. So yeah, I mean, he's the face of Pompano. Exactly. He's Pompano's. Pompano's. That's pretty good. But anyways, so it was a great group. He rented a house, first of all, for three weeks, he's like, should I rent a house? Should I get a hotel? Where do you stay?

Starting point is 00:46:04 Where are you staying at? Should I stay here? Should I get a hotel? Where do you stay? What are you staying at? Should I stay here? Should I stay there? Let's go on a ski trip. Margetse, he's like, where at the Four Seasons? You want to stay there? And I'm like, that sounds nice.

Starting point is 00:46:11 But you know, looked it up, 1,100 a night, cheapest room. That's the cheapest room. His room was a little more than that. Ah, I got the suite. So I got my parents to come down to watch the baby so Sal and I could really, 69, hit that dance floor. Wow. Because a wedding, you know me at a wedding.

Starting point is 00:46:31 I like to really get after it. You cut it up. And occasionally I sing if Salacuse decides I'm going to sing. Yeah. That was his fault. What a piece of shit. It wasn't bad. It was fun.

Starting point is 00:46:44 We got a good photo. He wasn't there, thank God. What do you mean? At the Papadou. No, no Papadou. They wouldn't let him within a hundred yards of a woman. Can I ask why he was, why Papadou? I think his mother's down there. Cause he lived in Florida.

Starting point is 00:46:59 Vecchione's very mysterious. He's from Ohio, but Philly, but Penn State, but Florida. He's an enigma. He's got deep associations but Philly, but Penn State, but Florida. He's an enigma. He's got deep associations with four different states. Wait, Philly? Well, he started in Philly, so he feels like a Philly guy because he came up with all those guys. And he's kind of Italian and mooky.

Starting point is 00:47:17 Yes, and he taught in Philly. Ah. But he went to Penn State. Okay. So he was in Pennsylvania for those years. Got it, got it. Philadelphia is Pennsylvania, but like, you know, Pennsylvania. Right.

Starting point is 00:47:28 And then he's from, I think like Akron kind of area. Oh yeah. Or one of those places. He's from Ohio. That's right. But then he moved to Florida. I don't know when the fuck he lived in Florida. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:39 Maybe high school or something, I'm not even sure. He's like a, what do you call it? Like a private eye or something, this guy. And he taught, you know, Down syndrome-y people. Is that right? Oh yeah, he's a real man. What? Mike Vecchione, when I first met Vecchione in 2007,

Starting point is 00:47:54 we were chatting outside of Caroline's Bullshitting, and we were getting slices of pizza and a homeless guy with red feet like yours was all like, you want to get a slice of pizza? And Mike was like, yeah, man, what kind of pizza you want? And I was like, what are you, crazy? Oh, wow. And the guy waited in line with it.

Starting point is 00:48:09 He got him a Coke and a pizza and a water. And he was like, all right, take care of my man. You be good. He's like, you be good too. And I was like, whoa. I go, you're buying homeless pizza? And he's like, yeah, of course. Wow.

Starting point is 00:48:19 And we were like broke. And then you feel like, oh, yeah, me too. I do it all the time. Oh, my god. If I had a dollar for every pizza I bought, I have you know eight bucks, but yeah, he just bought it He's one of those guys. He's like he's that guy retarded kids. He's buying homeless people pizza He wrestled that division one wrestling He's a man. He is a man cool guy teaching tarts. Yeah something and he can dance

Starting point is 00:48:41 I mean, he's not a good dad, but he dances I wonder what came first the wrestling or the teaching tards? Because I feel like if you teach some tards, you got to know how to throw it out because they are strong. Strong boys. Yes. They can body slam you. But anyways, he's a great guy and one of the good people.

Starting point is 00:48:56 And then Hannigan is also one of my... I've never had a wedding where I just really love both people. Lot of looks we're getting these window. We gotta get shades. We're recording at night, so the light is crazy out there. Yeah. You can record during the day. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:49:12 I just see eyeballs floating by. Yeah, yeah. Some teeth. So Katie Hannigan is a good egg. Yeah, great egg. Love the Hannigan. Sweet lady. By the way, I was doing a bit about not liking your wife. It was a joke. Huh? No, I was doing a gag. I said, I've never been to a wedding where I

Starting point is 00:49:31 love both people. Oh, I didn't even get that. I didn't get that. I thought you meant me. Nobody got it. So now it feels weird because I feel like the fans are going to get it. I thought you meant me. I could hate you too. That's how I took it. Oh, okay. Well, I love both of you very much. There you go. The baby I'm so, so on. I don't care for his race, but just kidding. I love him the most. But anyways, so we go down to the wedding, such a fun time. And also, how about this for a story? I remember sitting with Vecchione 10 years ago and just chatting. I've known Vecchione a long time. We're pretty close. And he's like, I'll tell you who I really like. I got to think for is that Katie Hannigan. No way. I really like her. I'd love to just fucking date her. And I was like, yeah. And I

Starting point is 00:50:11 remember thinking, good luck, buddy. Out of your league. I'm like, you're 65, she's 21. You know, what I mean? You're an old Guinea. She's a little Irish chick from the mid wet. You don't know what the hell you're, and you have to be a good friend. I'm like, yeah, maybe, buddy. Those tarts are getting to you. Good luck out there, and they are tied the knot, married, unbelievable. Beautiful. Can I tell you something there, Sloppy Jolene?

Starting point is 00:50:38 Please. I did Broadway Comedy Club, I don't know, nine years ago, and we were talking, she's like, oh, you ever see that guy? I go, yeah, you know, and we were talking and she's like, oh, you ever see that guy? I go, yeah, you know, shooting the shit. And then she goes, you know, that was really funny. Is that Mike Vecchione? Wow. And I go, is that right? And she goes, oh, he is underrated, super funny. I go, I'm a fan. I love him. And she's like, he's probably the best guy working here, I'd say. No kidding. I was like, hey, look at that. And then 10 years later, cut to Pompano Beach. Well, this was a match made in heaven.

Starting point is 00:51:05 I mean, the vows, did you guys do your own vows? We did a private league, because we couldn't stand the cringe. Oh yeah, I think we bumped into you. Oh, that was brutal. That was that weird thing where you were just a totally different guy. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:17 You were like this, hey, hey, get out of here, dude. I needed a minute. I was like, what? I was right in there. It was weird, there was no chin touch, finger in the air, waddily, bullshit. You're like hey guys could you just get out of here? I was like what? Keep it moving. What the fuck is this? Very strange. I've never seen anything like it before since ever. Even when your dog died you were like

Starting point is 00:51:39 I'm sad, tears. The dog died? Oh yeah I forgot about the about the dog. Yeah, that was before we made any money. So the dog died. 10 minutes later, you're at the podcast studio, and I was like, what are you doing? You gotta work. I was like, you gotta go home. You're like, really? And I was like, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:55 You had a wife at the time, or whatever that lady was. Yeah, yeah, mistress. She was sobbing, you were tearing up. I was like, go home, you psychopath. Now, I'd be like, yeah, yeah, sit down. We gotta make the cash. Sure, yeah, that was pre Now I'd be like, yeah, sit down. We gotta make the cash. Sure, yeah, that was pre-bono. Yeah, we were making zero, by the way,

Starting point is 00:52:09 I remember when we started this pod, I was like, no ads. Oh, and no video. We're not doing ads, and we're not doing video. Yes. This is a radio show. We do it for the love of the game. Now I'm like, what is it? Mobile Exxon, Exxon Mobile, absolutely.

Starting point is 00:52:21 Beep beep, Enron. You got it. Doge, you got it. Oh, Enron, you got it. Is it? Doge, you got it. Oh yeah, let's sell it. So what the hell, would you land in Fort Laud? Sorry, sorry, I went off on a tangent there about you being a psycho. But yes, I flew to Fort Lauderdale with the baby.

Starting point is 00:52:39 He slept the whole time, rented a car. We were at the hotel, the resort, with the wedding thing, and then they're under construction. How about this? You booked the hotel, you booked your wedding, and those two people, Mike Vecchione and Katie Hannigan, my hat's off to them. Because if I was in that position, I would have burned the place down, you'd never hear me stop complaining about it. Right. No pool. Oh! And it's literally a construction site. It looks like Ukraine. I mean, it's a hole in the ground.

Starting point is 00:53:06 Ah! A crane. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do whatever. I hope so. But they just rolled with it. I've never seen two happier people in my life. Ah, sweet kids. We had a, what do you call it, a rehearsal type of thing on the beach. Oh, Greg Warren. How did I forget Greg Warren? The Warren. Warren Peace, the greatest. The greatest hang. Good egg that guy. Lunch. All time hang. Love Warren. He was there of course and also all American wrestler by the way. More wrestling happening. That was a funny moment too. He's an older guy and someone was like, you wrestled in the big 12. He goes, ah, it was the big

Starting point is 00:53:56 eight. Cause in the eighties they had, they added teams. The conference was the best. It's like being like, oh, you played a major league base, playing like ah, Negro leagues. This is the 40s. Right, right. Because he's 150 years old. Wow, that's WrestleMania over here. But anyways, we get down there. Great time on the beach.

Starting point is 00:54:13 And then the wedding, my parents come down. They watch the baby. It's fun. We go to Ari's house. How about this thing? Deb and Steve List, Ari Shaffir, James Madden, Sarah Talabash, me and the baby. Worlds are colliding. Oh.

Starting point is 00:54:26 Seven generations of List. They collided. My mother, there was one point my mother was like, all your friends are turning 50. I was like, I know. Because think about it, anytime you feel old, what do your parents feel like? Oh, God. Especially with Ari around. This guy was in the Tal mood. It's just great because you're like, Tom Dustin's turning 50 in a couple of weeks, Vec Yod's 50, Ari's 50, Tony Dayo's 50. You have an older fan base.

Starting point is 00:54:53 Not fan base, but an older crowd. Yeah, yeah, I mean, Louie's, I think, 88, Tobacco's 79. Yes, he's on the way out. So yeah, I've got an old friend. You're my youngest friend. Hey, I'll take it. Now, this Dayton Bissett, I think he's 11. Yeah, yeah, he's hot. I think he's got a nice penis.

Starting point is 00:55:10 Mm-hmm. 100%. I mean, tall, skinny kid, there's no doubt about it. Well, what have I got over here? Well, you're eating those tiramisu's. They're going to ruin your blood flow. They make your dick smaller. Hey, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Tera masseuse, they're gonna ruin your blood flow. They make your dick smaller.

Starting point is 00:55:25 Hey, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Your mental health is worth spending money on, but it shouldn't be out of reach. I completely agree. BetterHelp's online therapy makes sure it fits into your budget. Pay a flat fee for weekly sessions, saving you big on both cost and time.

Starting point is 00:55:43 It's so convenient. BetterHelp lets you do therapy from anywhere, even if you're stuck in bed or driving to pick up the kids from soccer practice. Folks, therapy is such a wonderful thing, and BetterHelp makes it easier. It's such a pain in the butt these days to find a therapist. I know everybody struggles mentally,

Starting point is 00:56:03 that the world is all screwed up and wacky, the economy is in the slammer, it's in the, what do you call that? In the sewer for no particular reason, no person in particular. So it is very important to get yourself some therapy. Join the world's largest online therapy platform and find a professional who will help you support your mental health. Your well-being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com slash Tuesdays today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.help.com slash Tuesdays. Get on it.

Starting point is 00:56:40 Anyway, let me get right to it. Please. We go down there and I only got one real story from the, uh, the whole thing. Oh, here we go. So it's wedding time. Bells are ringing. They all, they did their own vows. That's what I started to talk about. They nailed it. I mean, they were unbelievable. Uh, I got to tell you, I mean, just spectacular. Becky own killed. Yes. And, uh, he did a thing, he goes, yeah, she makes me laugh more than anybody ever, including all the comedians. And then he looked over at us,

Starting point is 00:57:09 and then everyone did a big laugh. And I went, and then he laughed at that. That was sweet, that was fun, you know. By the way, Soder's still upset at my best man speech, at your wedding. Why? As I said, well, Norman's the funniest guy I ever met, comedians in the room, he's funnier than you,

Starting point is 00:57:23 he just is, accept it. And Soder's like, I didn't care for that. Well, that's what you do. It's like, hey, you're the most beautiful woman ever seen, which I've seen hotter women on TikTok. Yeah, so he's still upset. Oh yeah, Katie Nolan was there too, of course. Who's a great guy.

Starting point is 00:57:37 Oh, she's fun. She's a hoot and a holler. Saturday afternoon, Nate goes, hey, why don't you guys come down to the Four Seasons? We're there. Now, I don't you guys come down to the Four Seasons? We're there. Now, I don't know about you there, sloppy Sue. Please. If someone's got money and they want to spend it on me, I'm in. What are you kidding? That's my whole major in college. You do that even with people that don't have money. That's true. I'm like- Becky O's going to be buying me pizza soon. He goes, hey, you guys want to come down to the Four Seasons? I go, you better believe

Starting point is 00:58:04 it. I'll be there. And then certain people in the group are like, are you going to that? I don't want to go there. That feels weird. I'm like, what are you crazy? I'm camping out in front of the four seasons. I went to Nate's hotel in New York cause you got sandwiches. Yeah. I'm like, I'm going to be all over that. Then my parents, they fly in and they got real class issues. They're all in their head. So I go, all right, just to let you know, we're going to the 4C. My dad jumped out of the car.

Starting point is 00:58:27 My mother stopped the break. She's getting back on a plane. I'm not going anywhere near that place. My parents are the same way. They're like, no way. I go, just don't worry about it. And then they're looking, they're like, this a burger's $38.

Starting point is 00:58:38 We gotta get out of here. I'm like, Nate is buying. And she's like, are you sure? I don't know, this is crazy. And I'm like, are you sure? I don't know. This is crazy. And I'm like, it would be so hilarious to invite someone's entire family to your hotel with the Four Seasons and be like, guys, it's 300 bucks a head. I think it's on him. Plus he was like, I stayed at your house when I was a kid. He stayed at my house a couple times. So anyway,

Starting point is 00:59:04 so they literally, my parents, this is my parents, they literally split an IPA and chicken tenders and fries literally off the kids menu. And the whole ride they're like, we're starving, we got to eat. I'm like, we haven't eaten. And they're having like a half a chicken. Like we can't, I don't know. I'm like, it's in the pay, he made $82 million. It's in the front page of the, He can buy some chicken get a meal. I know this is uncomfortable, but it is sweet

Starting point is 00:59:33 You gotta get curtains I gotta do this is appalling curtains for us all At least it would be even trashier if they were like whoo You're buying the whole menu. Give me the terribleare Basu, give me the IPA, bring a keg over. But this is the thing, people with money, they want to show you, give it off. They want to be like, hey, that just doesn't matter. It's a drop of the quiff. But anyways, I was all over the pool.

Starting point is 00:59:58 I have no problem. I did the baby. We danced, swam everywhere. Then Sarah gets in the pool. She's like, I'm going to join my son and my dad, son and my husband, whatever. I feel like she called me daddy. So anyways, we swim and then I'm like, ah, the baby's getting cold. I'll get to get out. I warm him up. Then an unknown baby gets in the pool, barfs literally right next to Sarah in the fourth seat, which is always great when a kid does something insane. Cause then then you're like my kid could take a shit on the

Starting point is 01:00:26 diving board and we're good. That's true. Because this eight-year-old just puked all over the place. Wow. So that was fun. It's so funny how close kids and drunks are. They're like identical. Yeah they really are. They pass out everywhere, they puke on themselves, they scream for no reason, they're loud. It's easier to fuck them. Yes. Get in those pants. That's true, the diaper's a little tricky. Yeah, it's true, a couple of strips. But anyways, great day at the Four Seasons, shout out to Nate for hosting all of us,

Starting point is 01:00:52 it was awesome, I had a nice burger. And then he bought, what do you call it, cabanas. Oh my word. So the baby was like a pig and shit, my parents literally never left the end of the cabana. They sat like this with a chicken tender and one beer. I'm like, lay down, fuck in this thing. Get comfortable. It's okay. Please, Steve. You're all right. So anyway, they left there and then they went to like

Starting point is 01:01:16 Brenda's Irish pubs. They were like, swilling Miller lights. Good. But they had to get their natural habitat. Yeah. There you go, Debbie. Wife swapping and all that. So that was great. Then we go to the wedding. Later that evening, it's an evening wedding. And then you're always nervous with the table. But there's so many comics you're like, they know what they're doing.

Starting point is 01:01:35 Of course. Mike and Katie, they know how comedians are. They're going to put the comics together. But there's an awkward amount of comedians, because there's not two full tables worth. So we get to our table and you go, okay, Sarah and I, the first one's there. Here's our table.

Starting point is 01:01:51 I wonder who else is at our table. Should be fun. Well, here comes a couple of people. You're like, they're probably walking past us. I don't think they're sitting here. Oh no, it's like a flight. They park right next, not just at the table, right next to me.

Starting point is 01:02:04 It's Sarah, me, and a big bald guy in his 50s who looks like he's done, you know, seven ounces of Coke. He's just looking at me, oh, hey, what's going on, man? How do you know Mike? He's a big wrestling cop. Oh, boy, here we go. How do you know Mike? I go, oh, I'm a comedian.

Starting point is 01:02:20 Why, you don't seem very funny to me, you big fat homo. And I go, oh, boy. You know, it's a party, and I don't know. And he goes, why don't you very funny to me, you big fat homo. And I go, all right, well, you know, it's a party and I don't know. And he goes, why don't you tell me a joke, you son of a bitch? And I go, well, you know, to fuck into an asshole. That's a big asshole, folks. And he goes, that's not so funny. I'll tell you some funny story. And his wife is there and she's very kind and sweet. She- She's going, Rob, no, leave Rob no leave alone Rob you knew his name

Starting point is 01:02:47 That's literally his name. Oh, come on. I swear to God Robbie I know this guy and she's sweet as pie. We're kind of chatting a little bit She goes I could tell you some stories. We got crazy stories now This is one of these couple he Mike knows both is friends with both of them because he wrestled with this guy, they're both wrestle-y, fight-y guys. Sure, sure. And she, they taught special needs people. So she's a special needs teacher lady.

Starting point is 01:03:14 Okay. Couldn't be nicer. I'm teasing, of course, it couldn't be nicer. So I got Sarah, James Madder, and Ray Allen, Katie Nolan, Soder. Good group. Good group, good table. But you got two people you got to get to know. And as nice as they are, you're still like, you're not yourself because you can't be like, remember that time we fucking, oh my God. Yeah. You don't want

Starting point is 01:03:33 to exclude them. And you're like, can I say the N word around these guys? Like how far can we go here? Well, N word I think you're good because he's a cop. That's true. But I started telling a story and I go, oh, that reminds me of my buddy. Did I ever tell you about my buddy who likes to pull out? And you know what? Fuck shit. And then Soder knew the story. I was going to tell Soder and Sarah. So Sarah and Soder are going like this. And now we're eating dinner, mind you, at a wedding. Everyone's in suits and dresses. And the guy goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this? Yeah. I got to hear the story now. Oh, no, no. It's not appropriate. I shouldn't have brought it up because it's appropriate. You're comedians. I'm a cop. We can handle it. I got the craziest stories you ever heard. Okay. Okay. And I go, yeah, well, this one, I don't know about this one. It feels

Starting point is 01:04:21 like this is a wedding. Your wife's here and she's a woman. He goes, my wife, I don't know about this one. It feels like this is a wedding, your wife's here, and she's a woman." He goes, my wife! This, I can tell you some stories about this lady, and she's like, ooh, I teach special kids. Oh yeah, that means she's a whore. And I go, well, yeah, no, no, it's, I'll tell you later. He goes, later? We're not going to see each other later. And I go, well, you know, I just don't, it goes on like this for about, I'm going to say one hour straight. No. And the guy, he puts me in a noogie, finally, he pulls my toupee up and he goes, you tell me, you tell me that story. You're going to tell me. And I go, all right, all right. Well, okay. I'll tell the story. And Soder's going, what are you crazy? Sarah's grabbing my leg. And I go, all right. Well, the story is I got a buddy and during sex, he likes to pull out and come on the girl and then eat it off for her.

Starting point is 01:05:13 They stopped the wedding. I mean, like, it just, you just hear like, Sala, Brett. I look up the whole wedding party staring at me over there, that table, this table, that table, the guy goes, what do you, what do you, what do you mean? He, what are you talking about? I go, I know. Yeah. He eats. He eats off a lady's and the wife goes like this. Literally the wife is like this. Oh, and the food is on the table. I'm not joking. I'm literally eating. I'm not, I'm not exaggerating. She has food. She goes, and he goes, wow, wow. Yeah. Well, that's, uh, that's, that's horrible. Oh yeah. That's

Starting point is 01:05:59 gross. Do you see folks at home? You don't want to want comedians to be themselves. They always go, I like dirty. I can take it. I'm a raunchy piece of shit? You don't want comedians to be themselves. They always go, I like dirty, I can take it, I'm a raunchy piece of shit. You don't know what you're dealing with. I felt fucking horrible. The lady was horrified. Of course. I mean, she works with special needs guys and I'm like, yeah, my friend eats come off a lady's tits. Well, you'd think she'd see some kid eat his own turd.

Starting point is 01:06:22 Maybe, but I don't think she wants it at the dinner table in mixed company. So then I got to spend another half an hour at the table being like, anyway, has anyone else got a story? Yeah. Yeah, how about that Marco Rubio? I went over, and then Greg Warren, who's the most pragmatic, reasonable guy, he goes, what are you, out of your mind?

Starting point is 01:06:43 He couldn't stop laughing. He was like, that is hilarious. But he goes, even that's disgusting. I don't want to hear that story. That's horrible, I'm a comedian. This feels like a me thing. This doesn't feel like a you thing. Well, because I caught myself.

Starting point is 01:06:55 I didn't do it. And then he kept begging and begging and begging. Yes, yes. And I said, no, you don't want to hear the story. And I swear to God, he showed me his pistol. He was like, this is going to be trouble. And I went, OK, all don't want to hear the story. And I swear to God, he showed me his pistol. He was like, this is going to be trouble. And I went, OK, all right. I just don't.

Starting point is 01:07:08 Wow, well, the popo, they're not what they used to be. They used to love a good cum guzzler Nazi. Well, I don't think he might. I think the wife was a little bit appalled. Nobody at the table backed me. Everyone was just looking like, what are you doing? Thank God she didn't have Twitter. She could have Joe Gatto'd your ass. I know. It was bad, and I felt horrible. But what are you doing? Thank God she didn't have Twitter. And she could have Joe Gatto'd your ass.

Starting point is 01:07:25 I know. It was bad, and I felt horrible. But what are you going to do? But the nice thing is, there's another table of comedians. I go over there, I tell them the story, and they're all on the floor, which is great. There we go. That's all good.

Starting point is 01:07:35 And she'll get over it. They were eating each other's jizz that night, I'm sure. I think it's fine. But we danced the night away. And what a great time. And then you start reflecting, because you're all in suits. And you go, God, I've known these guys for so long and it's just a beautiful life. We're leading and very grateful.

Starting point is 01:07:52 Goes your episode. There's an episode for you. Congratulations, Mike and Katie. You're a couple of mentions. I'm happy for you. And sorry, this this hooligan had to Katie Hooligan. Sorry to ruin your wedding. There you go. Five hundred and ninetyooligan. Sorry to ruin your wedding. There you go, 599 episodes.

Starting point is 01:08:06 Woo-wee! That is something. Check out that splinter, folks. It's a whopper. You gotta get on the Patreon. You gotta see the splinter video. And where am I? What day does this come out on my assholes backwards?

Starting point is 01:08:17 I think April 14th. April 14th. Oh, wow, I'm getting a new ID. Okay, yeah, I have no license as of now. I'm looking at nothing. I don't even have a calendar with me. Oh, I took a photo. Okay, yeah, I have no license as of now. I'm looking at nothing. I don't even have a calendar with me. Oh, I took a photo. Hey, old school.

Starting point is 01:08:28 Here we go. They're leaving anyways, cause the plug, my photos aren't working. All right, all right, where am I? May 1st through the 3rd, I'm in Rochester, Cleveland. May 15th through the 17th, my new special is premiering in cinemas. Ooh! All across the country.

Starting point is 01:08:46 The IFC Center, May 21st. It's in a bunch of theaters. L.A. I can't remember the cities. I'll find out later. Atlanta Punchline, May 19th through the May 29th, excuse me, through the 31st. And of course, the Wilbur Theater, I assume, is sold out by the time you're hearing this. But maybe it's not. Maybe there's a few tickets left.

Starting point is 01:09:04 And these are the worst fucking plugs I've ever done. Quad Cinema here in New York City, April 25th through May 9th. Tom Dustin, portrait of a comedian. It's also playing in LA, Philadelphia, Houston. Go to tomdustindoc.com for all the information. We're adding cities every day. Please, for the love of tits, go see it in the theaters.

Starting point is 01:09:27 Old school. Yes. Get the popcorn. Yes. Get the jujubees. Get the hand job. Get the M&Ms, the popcorn trick. Bring a date, bring some friends, see it in the theater, support your local Tuesday.

Starting point is 01:09:38 Please. Hear, hear. All right. I'll be in Santa Barbara, Napa, California, Asheville, North Carolina, Kackalacka, hey bless your heart, and Bristol, Tennessee, also State Theater, New Brunswick, that's almost sold out. We got a Whopper at the Ithaca Theater,

Starting point is 01:10:03 the Ag in Albany, Rochester. What else is going on? We got the, oh, UK, going to Manchester, Cardiff, Belfast, Glasgow, Birmingham, London Town, and then Australia after that. So a lot of fun stuff. Dallas, who the hell knows? Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, New Zealand, Auckland.

Starting point is 01:10:28 Whoa! So yeah, see you in hell. And a page to stage available on Punch Up, episode two for a couple of bucks. See, it's a clean joke. You're all over it. Oh! So check it out, baby.

Starting point is 01:10:40 What do you got? Choo-choo. Woof! Well, I want to say, I said before that Fun Bearable was doing a live show at the Comedy Connection at some time in May. It's going to be June 1st. It's a Sunday.

Starting point is 01:10:51 Way better than May. We're headlining the Comedy Connection in Providence, Rhode Island, and it's going to be kind of an arrogance at beer, Fun Bearable collaboration event. Hell yeah. One of the running jokes on our show is how much my buddy Brad loves hot dogs. And they are helping us make a non-alcoholic hot dog seltzer that we're going to be selling at the show. That sounds damn fun. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:11 Yeah, it's going to be disgusting. And it's going to be a lot of fun. Funbearablepod.com. Check out the podcast. Bunch of stuff. And June 1st, live at the Comedy Connection in East Providence. Love it. Hot dog seltzer.

Starting point is 01:11:21 Disgusting. I can't imagine a worse thing than that. That's right. We've really got to get curtains. Disgusting. I can't imagine a worse thing than that. That's right. We really gotta get curtains. This is horrible. Well also they probably, I mean if they recognize you, they recognize you, that's good. But otherwise it just looks like three dickheads

Starting point is 01:11:35 chatting to each other. Like we're just like a bunch of assholes trying to make it. Yeah, yeah. We made it. We're doing a podcast, they're not even plugged in. Oh, it's terrible. Anyways, $5.99 in the books, we love you, thank you. made it. We're doing a podcast. They're not even plugged in. It's terrible. Anyways, $5.99 in the books.

Starting point is 01:11:47 We love you. Thank you, Georgia St. Cutting. That's fun. All right. All right. Thanks, folks. See you in hell. Bring us all luck.

Starting point is 01:11:55 We love you.

Tuesdays with Stories! - #600 Happy Gays

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.