Tuesdays with Stories! - #601 Narc Normand

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

After a life-changing phone call ruins the original recording, Markus and Jojo are back in the saddle to talk about Mark’s lies continuing going to the home of one Mr. Kid Rock with Tony Hinchcliffe! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com - Support the show and get 15% off your Huel order, plus a free gift (Minimum $75 purchase) with code TUESDAYS15 at https://huel.com/tuesdays15

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody.

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what to do. The baby's sleeping! What are you crazy? Sorry, sorry, close the door. Jesus Christ, I forgot. He's closing, he's way down there, I stuff come in his ear. Let me take a look at him Good the old. Oh, he's dead. It looks like he was shot. Look at this. Whoa Corpse put a chalk outline around that fatty. Oh, I will

Cute boys tall. He's tall as the day is long. He's nine feet long. It's beautiful tall order Normberg, how about the remake of naked gun Gun? You know that? Yeah, Leslie Neeson. No, Liam Neeson. Liam Neeson, Leslie Nielsen, Liam Neeson. Is that? I don't know. I'm not into it. Cause they're gonna change it, they're gonna fuck it up,

but it's not gonna be the same, and it's gonna piss me off. It'll be funny, I think maybe, but as long as it's not big. I don't want it to be big. No, no, the jokes were fun and subtle. They all go big. We're gonna have a car chase Explosion and you gotta have a colored person and a homo

Just give me some good old-fashioned whites one black guy who's a murderer yes, please Chris Brown in there, you know keep the streak alive. That's pretty good Speaking of keeping the streak alive, my underwear are filthy. Oh, same here. I've been on the road and eating horse shit and I just fart on that flight. It's a five hour flight. So I'm just, I'm Skid Mark Norman.

Well, this might be the first, this might be a new historical moment in podcast history. First time we recorded, we were both raw on a flight that day. Oh yeah. You flew in, I flew in. And that's something like I guess maybe if we showed up somewhere, we might have recorded. True. Where were you? I was in Minnesota. I knew that sold out,

sold out, clean going in. You can't get a ticket. One guy, this poor fucking bastard, he ended up getting in because somebody died or killed themselves because they saw whatever I don't know something funny we're a little little wiped alarm went off at five but I was a for my one of it five as well it's crazy I'm fucked in the ass but so anyways this guy messaged me it was like Joe I'm driving all the way up from Des Moines last time I tried to see in Des Moines I got a flat tire. The time before that, my wife blew with my neighbor. Sure.

This is it. I'm driving to Minnesota. Here we go. And I wrote back, usually I don't write back. I go, give me, fuck you in the ass. I don't care. Old times a kind of blowout. Not bad.

So I wrote, hey, thanks for coming. I'm proud to have you as a Tuesday. I love you. It's all pipes. Then I'm doing my meet and greet for the early show. This big behemoth of a man. He's six, seven, three 80 walks up and goes, and he's shaking by the way. Oh, shaking big man. He's like, Hey, how's it going? It's nice to meet these people. They crush my head with a hand. I crushed your head with a hand. Oh yeah. Yeah yeah I see. Squished my face off. Sure

was he shaking or jiggling? Because I feel like a big guy might actually be jiggling. No there's no jiggle this guy's like ripped. Oh he's a big ox in a tree trunk. He's like a taller me just chiseled. Got it. So he comes up and goes man I fucked up I bought tickets for last night evidently. He drove all the way to Des Moines. It's Saturday. He got Friday tickets. He shows up with a Friday ticket and like, get out of here. You big babe, the blue ox. I mean, Andre, the giant, this guy might just be a bit of a tard. He might be retired. Well, he's a fan of mine. So there's probably a little off by the way. How about this? Now take this fans, please. All you Twitter people.

Oh yeah. A teacher, a school teacher, forget the story with the big guy. He ended up getting in, who cares? It's not a good story. Good to have you there, Oxy. So, Oxy Moron. Hey, Oxy Clean.

We'll warm up, don't worry. We'll get there, we'll get there. Another guy, he's a teacher, and he got real serious. You know the serious guy in the meet and greet line? Oh yeah, you changed my life. I had cancer, you got me through it. My mom fucked me. My dad's gay. Well one of those guys, hand on the shoulder goes, what I respect about you most is your intelligence. Hey! This guy doesn't know you at all.

How about that? I said I don't get that very often. He said you should. He's like, you play it dumb. You're a smart guy. You're one of the smartest people out there. I wanted to marry this guy. I've been saying it for years. You're a smart cat. Thank you very much. I appreciate. Lexi think I'm smart. All right. We pay him. Take that. Not much. Thank you. But anyways, yeah. Acme was unbelievable, but we had the first flight out. You wake up at five. Yeah. Shitting tits. Yeah, same. I had the, you gotta return the rental. Oh. Nothing worse, because the airport's

already a cum guzzler, but then you have to get up even earlier to get to the rental, and then you're on a shuttle. Don't you hate a shuttle? That's why I could never go to the moon. The shuttle's the absolute worst, and wait until you do the shuttle with the Bambino, then you're really fucked,

because you can't just put the stroller on there. So you gotta jam them in a stroller, walk 100 yards to the thing, take them back out of the stroller, fold up the stroller, then suitcase, suitcase, backpack, backpack, stroller, hold the baby, take the shuttle eight minutes, get off, then you gotta go suitcase, suitcase, backpack, backpack,

unstroll the stroller, shove them back in the stroller, then you gotta fucking go to the car rental, get him out, take him back out, and then shove him in the car seat. No! I'm getting divorced. I'm impotent after that. That's too much work, I can't handle it,

but I'll be doing it one day, I'm sure. Soon. When is the rental gonna get it together? We got everything else together. We got Uber, we got Uber Eats, we got Netflix, we got Door Dash. How about, hey, I'm at the hotel, you guys come pick up the rental

and I'll take an Uber to the airport or I drive the rental to the airport and you guys just grab it. Well, there is Enterprise, we'll pick you up. Remember that? Yeah, I keep hearing about this, but I don't know how to find it. I did that one time in Tampa years ago.

I went to the condo and I did the Enterprise, we'll pick you up and they drove with the bow on the thing and picked me up. Bow on the thing? Well that was the commercial. It's a television commercial. Remember that? That was a big ad. Hey Christmas Day and it's a car with a big bow on it. Yeah. Hey where'd you get the bow and then who's giving a car for a gift? Not me I'll tell you that. What are you Elon? Well I know what's it that our buddies, our peers do that. Sakura and Bert got each other cars. I've been waiting on my car from you for a little while.

Yeah, well, I'll get you a hot wheel or something. But yeah, car gift. I want to buy Oprah, Mr. Beast. It's a lot. It's a lot of stuff. But yeah, I mean, should we tell them what happened or should we pretend like? Just tell them what happened. All right. We love, we love Chuck.

We'll say that first and foremost. We, where you throwing me at? Yeah, hey, you brought him into this. People blame me. I had nothing to do with it. That's true. Send all your letters to this son of an onion right here. He sweet talked me.

I got rooked. We're rooked, speaking of which, we'll get into that later. I got rooked. Oh, we're rooked. Speaking of which, we'll get into that later. I got some. I got some rooks to talk about. Oh baby. Yeah. I'm rooks. We did a big, big episode. A classic, I believe six hundo number 600. One of the greatest episodes of all time. It was like Mickey Mantle number 600 into the upper deck banger. It was lunch. It was one of the all time

greats. We blew each other one of the all-time greats We blew each other some of the best stories classic. Well Chuckie do who's not here. I'm pointing like he's here He's not here. No, he's not we fucking shot him in the knee and threw him in the river, but spider he got a Phone call this son of an onion. Yeah, and he went to take it. He kicked the machine over It was like Dick Van Dyke. I mean it was out of a sitcom. And then he goes into the other room takes a phone call turns out he's got AIDS and he comes back in. We keep recording puts the cans on like this. Yep. Yep. That's recording. And we finished the episode. It's

just magic in a bottle lightning and a can whatever it is, and two hours after we finished we go, good for us, we're very productive, we got up early, we knocked it out, we didn't get any audio. No audio. Audio's out. And audio I find important for comedy. Yes, yes, a podcast, we have these thingamajus here, so nothing, nothing was captured, and then so now we're here after a recording re-recording we have to pretend we don't know what the other ones gonna say oh my god you like men now right well you knew that yeah but you got to pretend and we got we got some gold here but what do we

should we fake a reaction I think we fake probably forgot half the stuff anyways true Sarah quill but also this is the only there was party that was Should we fake a reaction? I think we fake. You probably forgot half the stuff anyways. That's true, Syrac will. But also, this is the only, there was part of it that was relieved because, you know, Chuck had just come back from a festival show. He was showing us all these bitches. Right. He was like, look at this woman,

this woman tried to blow me, this woman tried to eat me out. And he kept, this maniac who's been producing our podcast for 10 years. Yep. Been around comedy supposedly for half a decade is just handing me his phone with Instagram on. So every time he goes, yeah, this woman was hot. I don't know. She's weird. I'd write, Hey, come suck my dick. You fat bitch. And then I'd hand it back. And then it'd be like,

Oh, you're going to see this woman. And I'd write, write hey kiss me on the lips. Yeah I did it like five times and then he called me like six times like two hours later. So I'm like, oh my god He's divorced his wife left him because right right and so then he called he's like, please call me I need to talk to you and I'm like, hey And he's like, yeah, we lost the recording. I was like, whoo But all the women by the way emailed him and they were like, what was that? What the hell was that? You deleted it. All right. Good. Well, he's in some hot water too. Then he earned it because he kept texting, calling and calling. And I didn't want to answer because anytime he calls, it's horrible news. Right. So I texted, I'm busy. I had the baby in my

hand. I was like, I'm busy. Uh, is it bad? He goes, not bad. Just answer. I'm like, now that I know what it is, I'm like, that's exactly bad. Yeah. How could that not be bad? Well, you, you, you tricked me. Well, he probably thinks we're concerned for his wellbeing. No, he's probably thinking, I don't have cancer. It's not bad, but I would be thrilled. We love cancer. A big old lump on his tit would be delightful. Yes, yes, tits, lump, please. That's the dream. He is not going to enjoy this, but at least it's not Rupert we're talking about. I love Rupert. Get Rupert in here. It can't get in

here. What are you crazy? That's true. These are load-bearing walls. Some of these books look like food. That's a cookbook. Yeah, I can always tell he's coming when the water ripples in the cup. But anyways, Chuck, we love you. We all fuck up sometimes, you more than most, but we're going to docupe. I'm teasing, we're teasing. Doc holiday. We had to rest in peace, Doc holiday.

The kilm. Kilm. Heat. Pete? Heat. Ah, heat. Yes, yes, heat.. The kilm. Kilm. Heat. Pete? Heat. Ah, heat. Yes, yes, heat. It's on Netflix. Yeah, that's right.

So yeah, so we're gonna redo the stories. We're gonna try to create magic again. And that's why we're here on a Sunday night after a 17 hour flight, just to get one out and stay consistent for you Jews. Yeah, and Sundays, you know me. I don't do anything on Sunday. No, you don't.

I'm like the Lord and savior. I got a gray beard and a huge dick and I've tittle kids. Yeah, you're like a Jew with Sabbath. Yes, Sunday is, when people send me a business text or email on a Sunday, I think they're dirt bag, scumbag, fist fuckers. Completely agree. Fist fuckers. That's new. We got that's a new hashtag. FF. I'll try it out. All right. Well, you you had a big crazy thing.

I forgot about Dean Del Rey. Check out Dean Del Rey special because I want to make sure I plug that in the last thing I bumped into Dean. It's fire. I don't know where it is or when it is or what it's called, but he's funny. Yeah, it's in a cave, I think in a cave, huh? Hamas. All right. Cool. Well good for him. He's doing it with a bunch of Filipino soccer players. I'm redoing the bit Oh, yeah, we did do that. Yeah. Yeah, so they don't know just go with I'm just gonna keep going Yeah, good for him. And yeah, I've been all over creation. I got some ups and downs some highs some lows down syndrome.

So I guess first things first, went to the Bahamas. Oh, the Bahamas, that's right. This is good stuff. Brought the Rug Rat, our first big trip, first flight, the whole thing. How'd he do? He killed it. This guy was great and we were on a flight

with a million kids. Apparently kids can go to the Bahamas. That's like a big thing. Cause all the resorts, they got water parks, they got ice cream, they got pools. So they bring all the kids. We brought the little fat man. He's two months old. And he was the best behaved kid on the goddamn airliner.

Yeah, that's the best. Well, that age is nice because they're just snoozing. And if they cry, you shove a dick or a bottle whichever you prefer in their mouth or as sure and they usually get quiet. That's true. true yeah so he slept the whole way he had a couple of these like just shove a nipple right in his twat but yeah we got through it the trip was great had a great time on the way back coming back from a Puerto Rico Key West, Bahama, it's Chaos that airport every island time that shit goes out the window when you get to that airport There is no fun easy breezy covergirl. It's it's game time

No, everyone takes their Hawaiian shit off the flip-flops off They put on their you know Canadian goose jacket and their military boots and their double-sided dildo and they get serious. It's like Mad Max. Yeah, it's Ellis Island in there. It's like a bunch of people would eat Tom Holman in there going, Hey, you're not coming in. So I see this family, big family, and there's a dad, he's like a big tall German guy and they're up to the fucking desk finally at the line, you know, where they go ID boarding pass, beep, and they go smile and the kid goes, and the dad's like hey, just smile for the camera or whatever and the guy goes, he's like 11, and the dad

goes, ah, grabs the kid by the book bag in the front, slams him against the wall and goes, you gotta smile, god damn it, you gotta act right, or I'm gonna show you what it's like, you piece of shit. And the kid was like, oh. So then the kid, now the lady goes, okay, smile, and he's holding up the line, and the kid goes, oh. Oh. And it was a great moment, and then they finished, they get through the line, and I saw the dad,

you could tell he was like, damn, I kinda overreacted thereed there through the kid against the wall like like a cop with a black guy And he goes here you go. Let's walk down the corridor and the kid went oh Boy, and as a new dad you watch these things now. Uh-huh. What age is the kid? He was by 10 11 Oh boy. Yeah, he was crushed. Well, that's the thing. These all these kids, they they link and becomes like a rivalry. Yeah. One of these rival dads. No, but I think you snap. I think it's just hours and months of just talking back and cutting up. You can't take it. Well, and they're usually fat and the video games and then you hate your wife. Eventually, I'm not there yet, of course, but eventually you just hate your wife,

you don't fuck, and all the women see you with the kid, they go, oh, look at him. He's a strong man throwing his kid against the wall. I wouldn't mind blowing him, but you can't get blown. So then you take it out on the boy. Take it out on the boy, but the wife was like, oh God, my husband's got an anger problem. He's abusing my son in front of everybody.

And it was a bad look. But scary dad. It's cool to see a scary dad or a my dad was like that. So I kind of related to both. Right. Because I know what the kids going through that fear of your father. I don't know if you had that. Your dad was off at a corner reading a comic book. Well, my dad might have told us before. He smacked me once. Well, good. Is that right? Yeah. Well, it's devastating because I was in the front. It was an old 87 Chevy celebrity. And back in the day, it was just bench seats. There was no like now, if you put your kid in a front facing car seat even in the back

at the age of five, they'll pull you over and send you to fucking Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. CPS. But back then I was just in the front middle on a bench seat. Yeah. And I don't know. I guess I didn't want to be. I don't know why we were sitting three abreast. My sister was there and I was just being a silly goose. I was being me.

And he just went, God. I remember it left a handprint on my face. My God. Like, fuck it. Like home alone. Yeah. Yes. So what did you do? You were just, uh, just chucking and jiving. What was he? That's what was so upsetting and still lingers now is why I hate that.

Everyone hates me. And sometimes I go to YouTube and it's confirmed, but sure. They, uh, Mark confirmed and, uh, Mark Furman from OJ. Yeah. Nice callback. Yeah. Well, I'm trying. But anyways, I'm sleepy. But I was just being silly. I was like, Oh yeah. Well, why don't they call it a car? They should call it a move. You know, that's no good move. A cow goes slow. You know, whatever it was as an eight year old, you're practicing your bits and he just

had enough and same thing. I think, I think Deb does Dallas, but not dad. Right. And he's driving an 87 celebrity and it probably had 195,000 miles on it. So he just lost it, smacked me. Wow. But as a kid, that's to you, you're like, well, I'm just being myself.

Yes. And this person that loves me the most just fucking punched me in the face. And your glasses were probably a skew and man that is, that's harsh. Yeah it was rough and you're like, you know you're just. Yeah for cutting, I can see if you fingered your sister or something. That deserves a wallop. Well I did that after he hit me of course but well there was that one and then he left

me a puppagino's also. I did the bit about it on the last special but you know you go to puppagino's and they had a video game machine. He's picking up the pizza. I look up and he's literally backing up in the same Chevy celebrity. And I had to run out and bang on the window. And it was like back to back home runs.

Like it was like, I get hit in the face. I get forgotten. Geez, that's dark. And he's a great man, a great dad. I got a framed photo of him over there, but he's a quiet fella. So there was no like down on a knee. Sometimes you forget about your kid, whatever,

I'm busy or anything like that. It was just like. Well, you know, we don't factor in is now we're dads or especially me, I'm hung over all the time. You know, when you're hung over the no sleep, the no sex, the screaming kid, that shit compiles. And yeah, before you know it, you're gonna throw that thing off a roof.

Yeah, well, you should try to not be hung hung over but true. He was hung over also my dad, you know, he likes to Whack back. Oh, yeah By the way, that was another funny thing We found like a while ago there was something like in third grade You did a project called me myself and I and it was all about who you are Your favorite pizza your favorite movie, whatever it is. And there was photos of your family. And for some reason, I don't know how my parents let this happen. Maybe I told this story. I can't remember the photo of me and my family. It's like, I'm sitting on the floor and I look like this and my dad's over me with a big

Miller light can. And he's just like, he's got the mustache. So it's like my dad with a beer and I looked depressed and I showed up to third grade being like here we are And now I think they'd call the police that's very telling and I tried to do this as a bit But it said favorite animal and I said Wolverines because they kill people for fun. Whoa Where's the guidance counts on this puppy? How do they not call somebody? Yeah It's like when they go draw a picture your family and you draw your dad with like a huge dick and devil horns. They're like alright we gotta go to the psychiatrist. Yeah you gotta go to the Jew school. Right. Yeah geez that was harsh.

Wow the horns. Oh I see. That's a little late at night here. We're all flu. I should have thought to try to think of something like. That's a team. The Texas Jew horns. That's not bad. Not a lot of Jews in Texas, but you get it. That's a few. How about this for the new L.A. team? If they ever get a new team, the L.A. wildfires. It sounds like a team. Well, there was the Chicago fire because that was my first jokes when I was started. I would tell you this stupid bit? Maybe the Chicago fire. They had a team named after the worst tragedy. It's like a team called the Delaware wicked borings. Ah, I was 18. Sure. Sure. But LA fire is good. Yeah. LA riots could be good. Oh, really? Right. Well, back then they used to name shit after the bad stuff.

The Washington Bullets, right? You know, the Brooklyn Heaps or whatever it was. They all had their own name. They named their shit the Miami Heat. Right. You know. My God the Heat. Yes. So yeah that was crazy to see. And but the Bahamas is awesome. It's a beautiful place. Let me let me just check the notes here. Yeah get some notes. I remember you telling some really funny stuff. Now this I heard it yet. I didn't say so this will be all new. Okay. Right in your pooper and squeeze it. So I've been having some real trouble with life insurance. I'm trying to get life insurance. I'm trying to be an adult. You get life insurance before health insurance. Well, I feel like they go hand in hand. I guess so. Health is life. That's true. Life insurance. Correct me if I I'm wrong you die and then the you pay that if you die they get paid right? Who's they?

Your family. Oh I guess that's it. Yeah, what did you think it was? It makes sure you don't die. Yeah, but they kept you alive It's a life insurance Yeah, it makes sense. I don't know. I guess I didn't know what it was, but I feel like it's something you gotta get. I think you pay like, life insurance is low, especially if you're healthy. Right. You do a test, but they don't let them listen to the podcast.

Well, that's the problem. Uh-huh. That's where the goose gets cooked. Okay, tell me about the goose. So, I went to Australia, I don't know, last year and a half, and when you go to Australia, your team makes you get a physical Because they don't want you going over there and dying and then they get sued right so I was like yeah

I got a physical I'm strong as an ox here. Oh, I don't care So they go you do any drugs now. What are you crazy? How much you drinking two beers a year? What are you nuts and then one of the insurance agents goes puts on protect our parks. I got a cigar in my ass I hate 16 shrooms. I'm blowing Shane. I'm drinking 19 shots of whiskey. We're all doing Ketamine and I'm drinking my face off and they're like this guy's completely full of shit So I lost the whole thing so they're like you can't go to Australia now the guy said no what? thing. So they're like, you can't go to Australia now. The guy said no. What? Yeah, so I had to go to like some backwoods guy who had just signed my paperwork and it was all a sham. Oh So I didn't really have it but we got through it. It was good enough

The guy wrote it on loose leaf with a crayon. I signed it. Okay. We got it. Now I'm going to Australia again They got to do another physical. So this time they go, I'm sending in a professional to your house so you can't fuck this up. So I'm already in hot water because I have a what do you call a bad record because they caught me lying. So I got like a notch on my account. I think you met your last album. So I got a scarlet letter there. So they go, this time we're going to send a guy to your house. It's a service. But they said a guy to your house and they do a physical blood thing.

They do the this is like Andy Griffith show or something. This is like Leave It to Beaver. You got a doctor coming to your house with a bag. This is a service. It's an ass rabbit or whatever you call it. The guy comes over and he puts something in your thermometer in he takes your temperature He measures your dick and so that's rabbit under my wife's pillow over there So I was like great send the guy over so the guy comes over and I go this time I'm not lying

So the guy comes over it's pretty cool. He's got his little baggie. He's got the scrubs on and He goes. All right, we're gonna knock this out quick. I got like 38 appointments today. I go great, quicker, the better. I don't want to do this. So he comes in, he does the blood. He does a squeezy. He goes, Okay, what do you do this? You do that? No, no, he's just checking shit off barely asked me any questions. And he leaves the whole thing took six minutes. Great. I think that's what you're supposed to have. Because

I remember when I did Netflix, or one of those things, we had a similar thing. We went and saw Louis Katz. You know that guy? The guy, the comedian. Oh, there's a doctor named Louis Katz. He's like an entertainment guy. No, I don't know, Louis. Yeah, they do it because it's for insurance. But they just do like, OK, tongue depressor in your ear. You're good to go. They don't give a shit. Yeah, super loosey goosey. Right.

Because you got to think like Charlie Sheen has to be insured on two guys, one shirt or whatever it's called. Yeah, yeah, fucking Snoop Dogg. Right. You know, all these guys, they're all drug addicts. So I go, all right, great, the guy came and went. I go, okay, great, I'll probably get insurance now. It's all under the bridge. And then two days later, I get a call from the lady and she goes, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like they turned you down I'm like, why would they turn me down? I got a Perfect body and she was like you said you didn't drink you said you didn't do drugs Yeah, the guys is like a fan of he's a twos gay. Oh, boy shirts off

They know all the stuff you do and I go I never said I don't drink. I have a podcast go We might be drunk. I sell a whiskey. I'm always hung over. I wouldn't I'm not that stupid. She's like the guy just exed everything off. No, no, no, no So he didn't ask me. He screwed you. He fucked me. Oh, so I go that call that guy I'm not the bad guy. That guy's the bad guy. They go. That's just some service. They don't know who that guy is Oh boy, that's like an outside guy. So I got no insurance So I gotta go back to the woods find that that weird gnome guy, and then he'll sign it. But what about Australia? Can you go to Australia?

Well, we gotta figure that out. I think they'll let you go to Australia. Well, I hope so, but. Because there's some really unhealthy people in Australia. Oh yeah, yeah, definitely. But I asked the lady, I was like, is this happen all the time? She's like, I've never had one problem

with someone getting insurance. You just are on TV doing heroin. Right. So thanks a lot. Queef, who came over to the house called me. You blew it. Your house call piece of shit. Yeah. So that sucked. But either way, well, we'll figure it out. Well, we put it in an appeal. OK.

Yeah. Can you feel? Hey, folks, today's episode of the podcast is brought to you by sheath. God damn it, I love sheath underwear. I'm not wearing it now because I'm doing laundry. Ooh, I love a front wedge like that. That feels good in the dick. The hotter it gets outside, the more often your dick and balls turn into a sweaty blob

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15 for 15% off your first order and a free gift. Get on it. Hewl, thank you. But I think health insurance you pay a small amount. I gotta get it. I mean life insurance. I gotta get it. Because health insurance is like $17,000 a day but life insurance is like 12 bucks a month. Exactly. If you're in your 40s. Yeah it's a serial. But then if you die your wife makes money or whatever. Yeah I don't know if I want that. But it's also weird because you have money but my wife will just get the money. Do you have a will? die your wife makes money or whatever? Yeah, I don't know if I want that. Well, it's also weird because you have money, but my wife will just get the money. Do you have a will in the last testament?

Or is it first testament? I got a... Which testament is it? Yeah, what is that? That's the old testament. Yeah, that's the Jewish one. Ah. Think.

Really? No, that's the Torah. No, no, the Bible was Jews, and then they kill Christ who is a Jew. Thank God. Which is always confusing. But then there's Judeo-Christian. Oh yeah. They go together. I have no theological knowledge other than the Old Testament. Jesus isn't in it. Or he's not dead yet. Or God's not in it. Well, it's before Christ too. So he's not even in the movie yet. Yeah later. You see yeah I think the New Testament is like the sequel and Jesus is like the star now

Okay, that's why it's strange that there's like Christian anti-semites because Christ himself. Yeah, I never got that That's tricky and then they go the Jews killed Jesus and I'm like, well, he is a Jew That's what I said. So isn't it kind of like the N-word? They can do it if it's theirs. Well, N-words can't kill each other. I mean, they can, but they're not supposed to. Tell that to Chicago. Or the other one. The Hoot-Tos and the Tootsies?

Yeah. McCoy's in the Hatfields. I never got that with the religion. That was always a cuckoo for gay puffs. By the way, Goose didn't die. He's alive. Anthony Edwards. He's good. He's healthy, right? Iceman. Yeah. Yeah. Iceman. Iceman's dead. He melted. He was too dangerous. Yeah. Yeah. Goose is good. Goose is cooked. So now we're back to the old stories. Great. I just had to get that insurance thing out. So if

you know a guy who could give me free insurance or hook it up. I think you should be able to get life insurance. You got no body fat, you exercise, you're 42. I'm alive. What's more life than that? Yeah. Well, some people are alive, but they're next to death. That's true. That's true. Rupert, for example. That guy, he can't get a plan. Yeah. So I got to talk about Nashville. Smashville. Gashville. Hey, does there, do you have a bit door gash? I tried that about a hooker service. Yeah. Yeah, it never worked. Okay. I think gas really bothers people. Yeah. It's a it's a harsh pussy pseudonym. Well, it minimizes the vagina. Just a hatchet wound. Right? Yeah. But it doesizes the vagina just a hatchet wound right yeah but it does see the remember the first time you saw a real clam it's it's jarring how can I forget

it was like three weeks ago folks all right give me some Nashville well I gotta say I did that Ryman and that is really one of the beautiful venues well I've said it before I'll say it again the rhyme in this venue that you did, I took a pilgrimage there. That's what kind of venue it is. I was like, I have to go see this place. Yes. Let alone play. That's not even entering my dream world,

my facility, my facilities, my anus. I was like, I gotta see the rhyme. This is a legendary, the wood, the thing, the curves. I gotta be part of this. They call it the old church. So I booked a flight and a hotel and a wife and a concert ticket just to be in the venue and you're playing it.

Yes. That is huge. Huge. Huge. Yes. Puget Sound. So I was like, let's do it. Very exciting.

You get there, the fucking green room. It's one of those when when when it's a big gig, all the the rep show up, you know, they're all in the green room with a cake and a hello. And they go, you got to sign this. You got to take a photo of that. And you're like, oh, let me just focus here. Why is it the big ones you guys show up doing the beacon? They show up. But I'm like, this is when I don't need you here.

This is a great point. Come to my chuckle hut tweet. Exactly, they should come to Skid Marks in Des Moines and go, hey, we wanted to see you. Right, right, yeah, come to Period Stain in Milwaukee, but don't come to the Ryman. This is very smart. But they got a chit chat,

and nothing worse than chit chat before you go on. Because chit chat requires work. You want to save all your jizz for the one big bukkake. Save my ass. So whatever, it goes fine. There is something to it where it gets your head out of the game. Yes, I do like that.

That is nice. So you're kind of not focusing and dwelling on it. But we went out there. The crowd couldn't have been hotter. We just had a great time. We had one hobo bitch, queef asshole who was like, you got that right. You know, that guy and tell him Norman. Like he was like a black church, you know, like sing it, sister.

And you're like, somebody taste that motherfucker. That's my get him a drink. Right. So they threw his ass out. That's nice. Yeah, but other than that it was just lights out killer and then once you get that done because it's been looming, then you can just drink your tits off and we did Kill Tony, we did Zanies, we had a great time. I forget that's part of the festival, which is even more impressive to sell that room

during a festival, I think. Well, some people say that helps. I guess. I don't know. I mean, it's you're competing with other people. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Wouldn't it help if you're the only person in town? Granted, I know literally nothing about show business. So if it's someone with a suit, maybe it makes sense. But to me, I would think being the only person in town would help. Yeah, yeah, you'd think because if it's a festival, they go, I'm going to see Tony or I'm going to see that. I can't afford you'd think. Because if it's a festival, they go, I'm going to see Tony or I'm going to see that. I can't afford Mark and Tony.

Right. It's a lot of tickets. Yeah. Yeah. Well, either way, we had we had a hot show and then so then we go to Zany's after with the after party free drinks. That's the comedy club in town. Everybody's there. You meet up. There's Adam Ray. There's Matt Reif. There's the other guy. Tony comes up and he goes, got a surprise after the show, if you know what I mean. So I figure, oh, he's trying to fuck me. His voice got deeper.

Yeah, it's about time. And I thought he meant blow. Ah. And I was like, ah, well, we'll see what happens. I don't know, I didn't want to do blow, but you don't want to be the guy, you don't want to be the square. I like being the square.

I don't want to be the narc Mormon. If't want to be the guy you don't be the square I like being the square I don't want to be the narc Mormon if not doing coke with Tony Hinchcliffe in Nashville makes you a square consider me Mr.. Rectangle That's not sound appetizing to me well Could have been a strip club to ah now now we're talking okay, but I got a bit of ten But I love us a titty bar more than anything well. They go hand and nostril coke in a strip club. You know, that's like a yin and zang. I guess so. But I tell you, I mean, I was like, I was the Cal Ripken Jr. of strip clubs in my day and I never did coke. I was just high on Mountain Dew and boners. Yeah. That sounds like a pedophile's first lyric. But so we, we, we we we jump in some car and he

goes we're going to a little surprise and I go OK 40 minutes later we're driving way out in the Tennessee countryside. We all ran over a possum. I saw a billboard for Willie Nelson as a big God thing over there. Big cross. And I go where the fuck are we going. We get to a gated whatever big gate. Now do you legitimately not know where you're going? I have no idea where we're going. Blindfold? Or I guess not, because you saw the possum.

He wanted to keep it a secret. And we get to a gate. Gate opens up. Giant driveway winding up a mountain. We get there, Kid Rock's house. Oh, holy shit, I'm not a Kid Rock guy. I'm an adult rock, contempo. I don't love the music. It's not my cup of jizz, but hey, I'm not gonna turn this down. Bow with the bow, the bang, the bang, boogie boogie.

Exactly. I saw him in the park one time. Very tall fella. Park the what's the one by your old house? Washington Square. Really? Yeah. He was just walking around a big tall guy and all of his crew was like behind him a step. It was weird. He's got a 10 pound hat and a face like a catcher's man. He looks like a rebel flag. Fuck the Denny's that guy. Well, that hair just looks like poorly cooked spaghetti. Yeah, terrible. It's like angel hair, right? Pasta. Yeah. It's the grossest thing I've ever seen. I always say it looks like David Spade with AIDS.

He's David AIDS. David AIDS. Yeah. Yeah. Should really shave that head and, you know, quit music, in my opinion. God willing. But I got to tell you we pull up to this home and you get it. This guy is loaded. He's eccentric. It's called the southern White House. It looks like the White House. I like him now. It's good. Got a big statue of Lib Tard. He's got a heated pool. He's got a slave quarters. He's got horses. He's got ATVs. I mean you get in there. It's antlers. They got a giant giraffe up my ass. A full-size stuffed giraffe. He just has a giraffe in his home? In the home Jerry.

Now when you say stuffed is it like can I get an FAO shorts for a couple hundred bucks? Or it's like a Jurassic Park Ace Ventura 2. Real giraffe that somebody put a couple of pillowcases in or something, because that thing is upright. Dick? Or is it a lady? I think it was a puss, because I didn't see anything hanging. OK.

So it maybe was Asian. But giraffe dicks, they may be inside. I don't know anything about giraffes. That's true. But you'd think with that neck, you have a decent shaft Does that correlate? Well? Imagine imagine a giraffe blowing a giraffe. Well, there was a guy named Merton Hanks who's a football player for the 49ers He had a neck as long as the day is yeah, he's black. So he might have the biggest dick. Yeah, forget about it It's the throat goat

Python down there. Yeah. So, so yeah, it was just a while that you open the fridge and it's just Jack Daniels, White Claw, Baby Formula, whatever. Now do you call him Ken or you call him Bob? I think his name's Bob. I call him Bob. Okay. Hey, Bob.

I can't call him Ken. He's 78. And do you do you interview, do you meet him or you just at the house and he's like off riding fence? I mean, we met him and he's doing the whole you're a comedian hey what are you gonna bust my balls they're like just hanging out man he's got Dolly Parton skin on the wall he's got Willie Nelson's foreskin whatever so and it's just he's like let me give you a tour this is a Johnny Cash's piano this is Merle Haggart's enema.

Now, paint this picture. How many people are in the group, how many people are at the party and at the tour? Is it you or is it you and Tony and crew? There's no party. It's just him and his security guy and it's Tony and me and a couple other guys. So it's a small party, I guess. I wouldn't call it a party. It's a gathering's a gathering. OK. It's a cult magic. The gathering. Yeah. So. So you're all on the tour together. Yeah. Yeah. But they knew what was going on. I did not. Uh huh. And Tony had a great line because we had a David Lucas with us. He's a large fat black guy. And he goes, man, I just realized I'm the only black guy in the car. And then Tony goes,

yeah, we're bringing you to fight his black guy. Oh, that's funny. Which I thought was great. Great line. We all had a good chuckle. And yeah, so then you're at Kid Rock's house and you're just like, this is fucking crazy. And he gets on the outside couch

and he starts strumming the old banjo and we're making funny songs and drinking his booze. He played guitar? Oh yeah, he really likes to be the center. Uh-huh, well that makes sense. It's his house, he's a big star. Yeah, and he called us all names, said the n-word, and then we went home. It was a full, full evening, full dance card. Now where does it rank amongst the biggest, best, craziest houses you've ever seen? Have you seen a bigger house? I've seen bigger houses, but this was like fucking acreage.

Pure acreage as far as the anal could queef. And just I've never seen a house this silly, you know, like this like it was a thing. It wasn't just like, oh, this is a beautiful old colonial home. Like this is a fucking White House replica. Like he made a silly house. Yeah, it was like if he gave a hillbilly eight jillion dollars, what would you do with it? Now does it have a wing? Is there a west wing? Is it that true to the White House? It had a west wing. It had a tampon with wings. It had all kinds. And it had extra.

That's the garage with the Rolls Royce in it. That's the boathouse. That's the guest house. That's the lodge. It was huge, sprawling. It's amazing how much money these people have made. I know, I know. It's crazy. And he viewed the whole city.

It was really impressive. Because I kind of think of, I know the bawa-da-bawa-da-bang-da-bang-diggy-diggy-dub-da-ba-da-bub-da-biggy. And then there was the horrible fucking mix of werewolves in London and sweet home Alabama thing. That's the biggest piece of shit song ever. I don't I'm not familiar. He took those two songs. You know it Lex. It's like half werewolves in London and half sweet home Alabama. He like combined them. I like them both but maybe not together. Yeah exactly. It's like putting the Godfather and Wizard of Oz together and being like I made a film

but it's a hit. Yeah I like jelly beans but you don't want it with eggs Benedict. Yeah that that too. I guess I would like jelly beans and come. That's kind of fun. Yeah it's colorful. But anyways yeah he had that hit the rainbow. So those are like the two hits like 30 years apart. So for me I'm'm like, how did he get all that money? But I guess there was other hits and other people stayed with him. Yeah, probably forgetting hits. And I think he was around when music was like you bought a CD. And I think those days you really cashed in any place.

Oh, he also had one with Cheryl Crowe. Oh, we have that Cheryl Crowe song. Yes, I'm a breast cancer. No, that was like, um, put your picture away. Yes, I failed the bill today. That's my picture. Yeah, yeah, that was huge too. So he's had a few huge songs. Yeah, so he's, he's well off. He's doing all right. And now he's boys with Trump. He's playing the White House. That probably paid 50 grand, a hundred grand Whatever that'll buy you a house just like a firecracker salesman or a drag queen story hour over there at the Oval Office

I think these people to invest well, they know what they're doing. They get people on their team. They do the thing Yeah, yes a nice guy very hospitable great house and just just something to see it was a Hoot that's a feather in your cap. You got that right. You got something there like so very hospitable, great house, and just something to see. It was a hoot. That's a feather in your cap. You got that right, Fag. You got something there, Lex? Cowboy. Cowboy, baby! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He kind of does like titty bar music. He does. Yes, yes, legs and eggs. Cowboy, yes. Oh, yeah, I remember that one. Yeah, that was big. Okay. He had a midget midget in the crew,

which is kind of how you know you've made it. Yeah. Yeah. What's the guys with Vitor? Exactly. All right. So I'm hogging. Well, that's okay. I can't remember. I'm falling asleep over here. It's late at night. Chuck fucked us. Um, well, I just got to say that I'll talk about this a little bit. I went down to Virginia, which I don't like to say the town because I said it before. People were like, you're ruining our town. It's cause 230 people live in this town. Jesus. That's a small town. I mean, Acme is bigger than this town. Right? Anyway, it's called Sperryville. It's a beautiful town. Don't go. They don't want you. They don't want me. Don't go. But there's a big old, that's true. There's a big old farmhouse there that I've rented a couple of times. And this thing, it's like

kid rock without the nonsense. It's a sprawling farm and it's just spectacular. And we rented it last year, Sarah and, and myself and my parents came down for like a day and a half. Wow. And they even like my mother hated it. I think my dad loved it because it's like these old men. You just want to put them in some grass. I know. Yeah. You totally understand that giving your dad a cool car when you when you made some money, your dad to be happy.

Yeah. And he's you walk around and it's just I can't describe. I'm not a farm guy. Never been a farm guy. We are farmers. So, but now as you get older, you live in the city for so long. Now I wake up, there's birds. It sounds like a CD. It sounds like someone put a bird CD on. There's so many birds. Good band, the birds. And then there's dew. I never got into them. There's dew. Roger McGinn McGinn McGinn Mountain Dew I love I haven't drank it in 25 years but I loved it well the birds at every season turn turn but they didn't write any of that shit that's like a Pete Seeger wrote

that and they had tambourine which them. Eight miles high and falling fast, that song. Yeah, it's for the birds. But anyways, jingle jangle shit. What the fuck was that? Oh, the beach, the farm. Virginia. The farm, Virginia Beach. So we're down in the farm and you wake up this morning due and you can hike and there's,

I've never been an animal guy, but now I'm starting to come around the animals. Animals are fun, good to eat. You feed the goats peanuts. It's kind of at first you're nervous and then they start licking your hand. It's exciting. I like that. And there's a donkey, which I would they have like their teeth like dentures. They have big round teeth with pink gums and a lip flap.

Ah, it's like a British person. Get out of here, donkey. No, thank you, Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong. But it was just beautiful and peaceful. And this time the Walsh is, you know, my friend Derek and his wife and the kids came down and that was a thrill. And I just got to give a shout out to this place, Patty O's in Washington, Virginia, little Washington, which contains this hotel called the inn at little Washington, which you can look it up. It's one of like eight, three star Michelin restaurants in America. We didn't go there. It's everyone

told it's like $1,400 a plate. Hey, hey, hey. And that's not even with food on it. That's just the plate. Sure. Folks. So it's a five star hotel. The whole thing. They wear top hats. They do this when you walk by and everyone has like long tailored whatever those are called Capris No, no, no, you know the suit with the tail Tucks. Yeah, but it has the tail. Yeah, I got you. Let's get like a fin down there. I hear yeah Yeah, I don't know what they're called, but I know I know tucks with a tail. Yeah

Yeah, it's tuck tuck tail Whatever it is duck tails.oo. So it's beautiful. We go to this other place. We go to this is a story of my life. It's like the thing where you're like, there's a five star hotel, Michelin restaurant, bricks and the top hats. We're going across the street. There's a place over there. It's kind of like when you work the comedy village across from the cellar, you know, you're like, we're all be over here. Don't worry about it. I'm at the fat elephant or whatever that place is called grizzly pear. So we go over there and I got to give a shout out to patios in Washington, Virginia. It was my

birthday brunch. We showed up at 10am. And I had made a reservation and there was two big run. They got like we are at we're full. We can't have a people that 10 people is too many people. Yeah, we could give you two tables of five. Okay. So I said, Hey, I'll take it. I'll be at the kids table. You know, I like kids actually.

Who doesn't? So we show up and they go, you know what? We made a mistake. I go, Oh Jesus. They go, we do have a table. Ah! They got a table for 10 in front of the fireplace with a band.

Like a America, what do you call it? Like a roots music bluegrass little bluegrass they had a mandolin and a stand-up bass an acoustic guitar it was spectacular they played itsy bitsy spider for Marty he goes if you sing we'll play it so I sang itsy bitsy spider with the band oh wow as a carry-oh it was fun as hell and then the most, Dexter was our waiter, best waiter I've ever had. Shout out to Dexter. We love you, never saw the show but I love the waiter. Now we go there and this place is kitschy, it's beautiful,

it's spectacular. There's an actual open air fireplace, like a real fireplace. Oh yeah. Not one of these with the light switch. So you know my parents got a little fireplace at home. I've done a lot of firework. I come from a firefighting family. I know fire. That's fire. So, Dean Del Rey. So it's 10 a.m., we get there,

we sit next to the fireplace. The fire is like a little trickle of flame, like a candle. So the smoke, I don't know if you know fireplaces, you need heat to go up the flute or else the smoke won't go up the chimney. Dick Trickle. So the smoke is coming into the restaurant.

Now this is another place where this is who I am fundamentally. I'm like, you know things, but you have no confidence. Sure. So I'm like, wow, this is dangerous. The smoke is supposed to go up the chimney. That's why chimney was invented. Yes.

People kept dying and they're like, why don't we put some bricks and make a situation. Right. The smoke's coming in. I'm looking around. There's not a single window open, a door open. There's not a crack in the place. And the smoke is billowing and it smells nice. But I'm like, this isn't good. And there's just black smoke coming into the restaurant. My baby's here. Right.

But I don't want to be the guy who's like, um, pardon me. You're doing it wrong. Cause it's a rest. And you have this fear that it's a restaurant that's been here since the 1880s. They got to go, what do you think? We don't know what we're doing. You fucking city piece of shit. You Karen. So I go, all right, Karen, well, you don't want to we're doing you fucking city piece of shit you Karen so I go all right Karen late on to be the Karen no I know I was doing a joke because they think I'm in love with Karen so I was a bit for the it's a television commercial it was a good fellas thing now Cameron this might my worst performance of all time I'm so sorry I'm very sleepy I'm tired the story sucks my back hurts we're on the flights and we're repeating. Yeah, that's true. The other one was perfect. I know Chuck. Anyways, so the smoke's coming in. I'm like, we're

going to die, but I don't want to be a nuisance. Sure. So I'm going, well, maybe something will happen. I don't know what I'm talking. Why would I know what I'm talking about? But I'm like, they got to get the fire going so it'll heat up. Yep. Yep. And the whole place is literally filling with smoke, but I'm looking around and everyone else is just eating and I'm like, there's no way I'm the smartest person. Right. Surely somebody's smarter than me. And I have this all the time where people say that,

I just had this with a soda, shout out to soda, I'm gonna throw him under the bus. He was, we were talking about Ben Stiller and I was like, God, Cable Guy, one of my favorites. He's like, his first movie. And I was like, no, no, Reality Bites. And he's like, no, cable guy, one of my favorites, he's like his first movie. And I was like, no, no, reality bites. And he's like, no cable guy was first. And I'm going, huh, I know reality bites came out before cable guy, but I'm going, I guess I gotta look this up because he seems pretty confident. I don't know why I don't go. You're completely

wrong. I'm right. Well, because you don't want to be that guy who's all in and then you're wrong. Right. So I went to the bathroom and pretended to shit looked it up. Of course, I confirmed what I know, but this is the same thing. I'm like, you got to heat up thing. Yeah, we're going to die. Yeah. Finally Dexter, the waiter comes running over. He goes, what the hell? The smoke's coming in. We got to get some heat up here. So he takes 15 menus. I've never seen this in my life. He just rolls up the menus and starts shoving them in the thing. And he's like, why didn't somebody say something? God damn it. You fucking home. Oh, you don't know what fireplaces, but he took every menu in the place. He was just shoving it in there.

He took Marty's hat off. He took my shoe. He just started throwing stuff. Now the fire's blazing smoke goes up. He saved the day. And while he's taking orders, he was like Batman. He's like, okay, so you want a, a quiche with the thing in there. It was unbelievable. And, uh, I got a key. I've never done this in my life. Ordered a quiche. It was the best thing I've ever eaten in the middle of dinner. I went Dexter, my boy, bring me another quiche. Would you? And he's like, what are you talking about? I go, it's my birthday. I'm a fat homosexual. Get me a second quiche. Why, you pulled a Rupert. I had two quiches.

Oh, he's got a six pack of quiche every morning. So I had two quiche. Then we had ice cream and we had smoked salmon on crackers. Oh, boy. It was one of the best breakfasts ever. They played Itsy Bitsy Spider. My father was there. He didn't say anything.

Derek bought. It was great. What? All right, D-Bag. Forking up the bill that away D bag. So it was just Perfect perfection if you're ever in the area, don't go they don't want you I don't want you to spoil my time down there, but ruin it the patios and they all all the girls were like It's it's all like Americana. So the girls were red puffy dresses That's fun and like little. So the girls wear red puffy dresses. That's fun.

And like little buttons and the boys are wearing suits and like gun holders and shit. Yeah. Now let me ask your opinion on this. Cause this was weird. I got the baby. He's adorable. He's sweet.

He blows kisses. He winks. He's really, he's, he's something else. That's a good time. So there's like a, I don't know, 16 year old girl hosted. She keeps coming over and kind of flirty with him I'm hard. She's like hey little buddy. Aren't you adorable? He's blowing kisses. So she's blowing kisses back and I'm going like this You know, yeah

And then as we're leaving she goes bye buddy It was nice to me and I go get her number ask for her number That's great, which I thought was funny, but then she kind of made a face like, Oh, and then I'm leaving. And I'm like, I made a get a number joke to like a 15 year old is bad to the baby. I was being folksy. That's the bit. Well, so then I go outside, we put the baby in the stroll and I realized I got a piss. I don't know where I'm going to piss again. We're in the middle of nowhere. I'm going to go back in and piss. I see the girl. Uh, did you get her number? And I go, piss. I don't know where I'm gonna piss again. We're in the middle of nowhere. I'm gonna go back in and piss. I see the girl. Did you get her number?

And I go, I don't think she has her number. She's 11th. So I walked by and I go, hey, thanks again. She goes, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be oogling at your son. I hope that wasn't weird. He's just so cute. I'm very sorry.

So I think she read it as me shaming her. Like I thought she was offended, but I think she thought I was me shaming her. Oh. Like I thought she was offended, but I think she thought I was like, well, yeah, why don't you ask for her number, this freak? So she felt stupid. Wow. It was interesting. That's very interesting.

She apologized to me. Yeah, you see, you never know what's going on in someone's head, because we make up these whole stories, and then she's the one trying to fuck your kid. Yeah, but then I felt bad that she thought I was like, what do you want his number? Well, this is the society we've crafted

where everybody's nervous to do anything and everybody's in trouble and you get a camera in your face and a hashtag. Well, I felt awkward. So I gave her my card and I'm waiting to hear back from her. Sure, sure. I had to sign up for, what's it called? TikTok, I don't know, whatever the kids are on.

Raya, Bumble. I don't know. Well, either way, sure she's met the impract TikTok? I don't know, whatever the kids are on. Raya, Bumble? I don't know. Well, either way, sure she's met the impractical jokers right now, but that is crazy. Yeah, why would she be in trouble for flirting with a two-year-old? Yeah, I mean, she was like really genuine. She's like, I'm so sorry.

I felt like maybe it was too much. Like she thought I was like, what are you doing? Flirting with my baby, you fucking weirdo? So it was a little awkward, but- It's a baby. Great time, it was the best vacation of my life. We hiked, we sat on that farm and then we just sat out all night with a campfire. I love a campfire. It was told story after story, ball busting, laughing our asses off. And then we went to DC for a day. You

know, I think we have a trip and then you attack on a day. You're like, we're so close. Let's do DC. Right, right. And that's like 45 degrees and raining, and you're like, what are we doing here? What are we doing in DC? I did the same thing for my honeymoon. We went to the safari, and then I go, why don't we go to Amsterdam while we're out here? It's a 12 hour flight, we get to Amsterdam,

it rained the whole time, I'm like, what the fuck are we doing in Amsterdam? Yeah, yeah. Let's go home. You're like, this is too much, but it was awesome. And then it's hard to readjust to being back in New York because you got to do the podcasts and the promotion and the spots and then you don't have that morning due.

There's no due. No due, there's don't. Folks. Yeah, so I know what you mean, but I like that you went to Virginia and found the one Irish pub. Oh yeah, it's a beautiful spot. You gotta check it out.

Well, don't check it out. Don't go, nobody go. They hate us. Don't come, we don't want you here. But yeah, it's a beautiful spot. You gotta check it out. Well, don't check it out. Don't go, nobody go. They hate us. Don't do it here. But yeah, it was spectacular and a great, great time. And then this is the other big news. I told you this last time. We had a lot of fun, a million laughs.

There's no way we'll be able to do it again. But I got big news for the folks at home. I'm a new man. I'm gonna big reveal. Trans. Oh God. play chess now. You've changed. I'm a chess guy. Wow. Look at this board. Is that spectacular? Oldest game in the world. I'm a, you know, I'm a bit, I look, people think I'm a dork. I'm at, they think I'm five, six and I got glasses and wicked weird teeth. Well, now I'm going to play the part.

I'm going to be a chess guy. Wow. Went out, went out and bought a board. I'm a chess boy now. Wow. Bobby fish over here. Look at this. If you got tips, you know how to move a rook or a bishop or anything. I don't know how to play. Yeah. Send me some YouTube tutorials, whatever. Lex, you play chess? No. Well, I told my wife cause I play. Yeah, send me some YouTube tutorials, whatever Lex you play chess No, well, I told my wife because I play with my knee. I know how to move I know the moves and the thing and the other thing, but I don't know any kind of skill I'm a moron. So I played my knees. She's 11. I beat her then my okay eight. He beat me Straight up by the way, not even like I'm like, okay. Yeah. Yeah, where's that gonna go? Like I literally just beat me it almost feels like chess an eight. Like you can't even get good at it. You

just have it or you don't. Well, I lost to an eight year old. Yeah. At least you beat an 11 year old. Yeah. But, uh, so I'm one in one in my career. And then I was like, I'm going to go get a chess board. I told Sarah, I'm like, what's every night we'll have sex and then we'll play chess. Hey, now that's a sophisticated lady. That's a healthy relationship and you can tell you never pitch an idea to your partner like us and then the other person's like this. Oh of course. OK. I got that with anal. So I'm like here we go. And you can tell she's like oh my are you fucking kidding me. So we played chess. She hated it. I beat her of Of course. Then we played chess. Yeah. You gotta play chess after. Yeah, that's what we did. Yeah. You know, you don't sit there going to rook

to be for your horny yet. Right. So the mood we came and then, you know, she's sleepy. Plus I say all the horrible stuff during the sex. I'm like, Oh, father hit me. I want to hit your father. Right. When you come, you say checkmate. So so surprised it was the pawn shop. Wouldn't that make sense with the pieces? That's something that's good. You got to go to a queen shop and a rook shop. Bishop shop. Yeah.

Night shop. Boy, am I wiped. This is Phil Handley's book. Everybody buy his book. Oh yeah. You cracked that yet. No I can't open a book. That's a doorstop for me. It's cool. I bought it. Mine's keeping a table center. At least. Fucking Morrill. He was like yeah. They say send me a copy. Never sent it to me. And I was like well you could buy it. It's like 12 bucks. That's true. He probably gets a percentage of that. That's true.

Sam's like, I don't think so. Yeah. So anyways, so I play chess now. It's very exciting, but that's what I was gonna say. I went, I was in New York. I went to buy a chess board. So I just Googled, where can I get a chess board? And this thing called Fred Wilson chess books pops up.

Freddie Will. And this is a real classic New York. It's like in an office building, seventh floor. I go up to the seventh floor on the elevator. I walk on the hallway. It's like, I feel like I'm gonna get whacked. I'm like Tommy DeVito. I'm walking up, I go, what the hell's going on here?

I just come into a room narrower than this bedroom, stacked with all these old books and dust and an old man just staring at a chessboard. I go, hello? He's like this. I go, Hey Bob, Hey Freddy. Yeah. Well, Hey Mr. Wilson. I had to do like four hellos. I'm everything. It means like leave, get out of here. This is like a Stephen King film. King me. So I finally, I just, I'm like, this is giving me a good story. This is something. So I go, Mr. Wilson. And he goes, Oh, what? And I go, Hey, uh, you sell chess boards. And I'm like trembling. This guy's like, throw me up. He goes, how'd you find out about me? Google? Whoa. And I go, yes, sir, I googled.

And he goes, yeah, we don't sell equipment. I sell old books. And I go, you don't sell any of those chessboards? He goes, that chessboard's $400. You want it? I go, oh, no. Gee, who is this guy? No, thank you.

He goes, I got vinyl chessboards for $10. They roll up. You want one of those? And I go, you know what? I think I'm OK. And he goes, look it. This is what I sell. Come here.

He starts opening books and showing me pencil markings. He's like this one, see it's pencil bar. I don't get anything new. There's nothing new here. I don't know why you Googled me. How does he pay the rent? I don't know. He's grand mastered in or something.

Yeah. So I go, okay, well, I'm sorry I bothered you. And I went to Barnes and Noble across the street and bought this beauty. There we go. 50 bucks and they love me. This is why mom and pops are, they suck. Well Mr. Wilson's a cunt.

How about a hello you dick bag. Give me something but I'm fascinated by this man and now I want to make a movie about this guy. I told Salacuse, I get him on the horn, I'm like you and me we got to get a camera and a microphone, shove it in his ass and see what's going on with old Freddie Wilson. Well good luck filming this guy cuz he sounds like a Camudgeon cunt. I don't know how you're gonna get any Words out of him. Well, that's why I got Salak use cuz he thinks he's directing

He ain't doing shit except he's gonna go in with a Hawaiian shirt, right wacky mustache Yeah, and he'll start playing Bishop tonight one and I'll film it. There we go. Perfect. Well, mr Wilson you better lock that door because they're coming in stock and barrel. Oh, we're going to make you famous. You're going to get at least eight thousand views on YouTube. Oh, yeah. Now we're talking. You want to play? Well, I got to get out of here. Yeah, it's I mean, you got a hungry hippo. I'll hang out. But this is the whole thing. I got a hungry hippo named Rupert who produces the show. But anyways, we got to wrap it up. We're sorry, we're on fumes. We did our best. It's Sunday. It's 11 o'clock at night. We both had flights.

Chuck is gay. We did it for you. We didn't want to lose an app. We want to keep the consistency rolling even though the quality really suffered. But we'll be back next week with a humdinger. Now I have a lot, a big important plug. This is huge because I have now a publicist and a distributor right up my ass. I gotta make things happen. I'm putting all my chips into one basket here. I got a movie coming out. Oh boy.

I think this weekend in New York and LA, April 25th, New York and LA, the Hollywood Ritz Five in LA, April 25th, New York and LA, the Hollywood Ritz 5 in LA and in New York at the Quad Cinema, Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian, and then May 9th it opens in Atlanta, Houston, San Francisco, San Jose, Cambridge, Massachusetts, bunch of places. Go see the movie and the more people go see this movie, spread the word, sell tickets, the more it could spread and move to other places. We need the people to buy the tickets.

My wife handles the ticket money. Wow. The 25th and 26th, I'll be at the Quad Cinema doing Q&A, so come to those. That's a slam dunk. Oh, you got to see it. Henry Phillips is going to do Q&A in LA at the Ritz 5. Wow. He's the funniest man on the planet. Sure. So go to that, buy those tickets. You've seen see it. Henry Phillips is going to do Q&A in L.A. at the Ritz 5. Wow. He's the funniest man on the planet. Sure. Buy those tickets.

You've seen the film. Tell them that you like it. Love the movie. Funny tear jerk. Friendship. Meaningful. Poignant. Anal. Queef. Seamen. And you're in it. Thank you. TomDustinDoc.com. And then the other big thing. All my chips are on the chessboard, May 21st.

That's a Wednesday, I think, right? Don't say chips again, Rupert will show up. I think it's May 21st, unless I'm retarded. May 21st, Wednesday, my new special, Small Ball. JoelistSmallBall.com is opening all over the country. 23 cinemas, I think we're in every theater. One night only seven p.m. And these theaters are small. They're like 50 seats.

So get on it. I think. Yes. Minnesota is almost sold out. That'll move. It's Minneapolis, Dallas. We're in the the fucking JFK, the Lee Harvey Oswald Theater. Wow. Look at that. Put your headshot up. We're in Atlanta, River Oaks, Houston, LA, Portland, Oregon, Cambridge, Massachusetts, the IFC Center in the Village. I'll be there opening night, May 21st. It's a new special. No one's ever done this other than Richard Pryor and people that deserve to do it. Yeah.

people that deserve to do it. Yeah. And Grand Rapids, Kalamazoo, fucking Colorado, everywhere. Please go for the love of fucking Pete. Hell yeah. Wow. That is very exciting. I want to go. I want to see a special at a movie theater. Yeah. Come May 21st. Well, they want us to bring in some special guests. Maybe you can come be there Wednesday night. All right, let's do it. I'll babysit. Now we're talking. I will bring the kids. Please. OK, that's exciting. Movie theaters, Jerry. This is big. Somebody's got to save those fucking houses. I'm trying my best.

Well, I'm all over God's green anal. I mean, I'm going to the UK, folks. I'm talking Cardiff, London, Glasgow, Belfast, Birmingham, to name a few of those other ones. Check it out Then I'm going to Australia Hopefully, yeah if I can pass this life insurance and collect $200 at go but yeah, then I'm doing New Zealand and Australia and I got all these new dates on the book Dallas and

Asheville, North Carolina and The other one so bark no manomancomedy.com. Check us out on Punch Up. We're all over the road. The Patriot. Forget it. Oh my God. The splinter. If you haven't seen the splinter yet, get your head from under that fat lady's ass. Cause that is a humdinger. Well, I got to tell you, it came out the Friday that I was in Minneapolis and I had 50 people come up and go, that was the craziest video I've ever seen.

That's the most insane. The camera work, Lex was on the camera, the one to do. People are blown away. People are giving me ward advice, splinter advice. Everyone, by the way, is like, is your foot okay? Mark was digging in there with a thumb tack. You got to see it. I mean, we were on fire.

Oh yeah. And who's doing that? No other Patron in the goddamn universe has got live operate, we're doing a surgery. It was insane. So get on the Patreon and yeah. Hell yeah, queef it up, praise Allah, and watch Tellum, Steve and Bob, and praise Allah. No one wants to be themselves.

Up in the heavens when legends cry. Thanks for watching!