Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #114 Merry Christmas! The Gift That Keeps on Giving (Best of 2024)

Episode Date: December 24, 2024

Merry Christmas from us at Two Doting Dads to your family! Thank you for sticking by us all year...it makes Ash's Grinch heart pound.  Here are some of our favourite moments from 2024 as is an extra gift for you!  2025 Raunchy Ranch Calendar IS OUT NOW!  https://budgysmuggler.com.au/products/two-doting-dads-raunchy-ranch  Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I just want to say a big Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas to everyone out there right now who is listening to this podcast. What a delight. What a treat. A great Christmas present. My assumption is that they're listening to it on the way to Christmas lunch. Yes. Because, I mean, there's a lot of driving that does happen on Christmas Day for parents.

Drive safely. Or maybe they are sitting there in a room currently by themselves and they want some company and that's why they're listening to us. And that's just sad. And if you're one of those individuals, we hope you're having a fantastic time by yourself. What are you doing by yourself? Ash and I, we look, we have pre-recorded this.

Currently we're at my house. We've just opened our Christmas gifts that were delivered to us by our producer, Jess. I have Larry the Ladle. After this, we will whip each other. Larry the Ladle looks lethal. Very good. We actually were in need of new spoons. So timing wise, this is perfect. But we thought rather than not give you an episode,

because obviously Christmas today is a Wednesday, we thought we'll give you a best of. A 2024 best of at that. Yes. Yes. Well said. Yes. Well said. The hardest part is it's like trying to pick your favorite child. Our favorite stories from the last 12 months. They're all good.

They're just, I mean, we had a couple of rough patches, but 90% is just, it's just impossible to pick, you know, because we could do an episode that's what, like 12 hours long? Three days long. Yeah, but we thought we'd do it like 45 minutes. Yeah, so we've handpicked some of the best moments from... Jess has done the work. Yeah, I know. Our producer's done the work.

Thank you, Jess. I've done nothing. She's currently staring at us with disapproving eyes. Being like, gosh, it's so hard picking the favorites. We've been here for hours, days going through the library of content. Some of my favorites, Matt, was I think there was one where you brought in a present you got for Lola. Was it a...

Soggy doggy. Soggy doggy. I mean, I can only imagine how many soggy doggies are being handed out this morning. And how many kids will be bitterly disappointed with how shit that toy is. I know. Very good marketing for that toy. Or is it all marketing? It's the classic promise the world and hand them an Atlas. Can I ask, because we will talk about your tooth, the extraction.

How is the tooth right now? Still not there. No tooth. Can you show me? Open your mouth. Ah, Oh god. Yeah, I want a gold tooth next year How much does that cost millions surely get that in? Do you have insurance yet? No, sorry stupid question. Why would I have insurance? I don't know because you're falling apart. I am falling apart. We also speak about falling apart We also spoke this year about my indulgence at the Easter show and how I set myself a task to eat absolutely everything that I possibly could. So we really hope you enjoy this Best Of. Also enjoy the rest of your Christmas day and Christmas

break. Much love to all of our listeners out there. Yes. Ho, ho, ho and enjoy. That's as merry as I can be. Yeah. Yeah. I for one at the moment would love to shit myself. I'm extremely constipated and that's because of all of the codeine I have been taking for from a sore tooth. What is the limit? What is the maximum length of time one person can continuously take codeine? Well, forever I guess.

I don't know if that's the right thing. Here's the thing. I went to the dentist as we know last week and he gave me some codeine to band-aid the pain. The dentist gave you codeine? He gave me a script for it. Did they do that? Obviously. I hope so. Are they allowed? Yeah, they are. I guess.

Well, I went to, well, the chemist willingly gave me the, from the doctor's script. He was like, hang on a second. This is from a dentist. And it said one at a time. And then the chemist said to me, you can take two at a time. It's fine. And I was like, can I? The amount of coding they gave me was for to bandaid up until the extraction. I went through it in about three days because I was in that much pain.

Yeah, you were you called me wailing on the phone. And now I have an addiction to prescription painkillers. No, but I was like, oh, I'm going to need some more. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to try and get this tooth out earlier. Rang them up. And they had a cancellation. I just love, I love that the only people who can help you are those who have been beaten down by Ash Wicks for such a long period. Since the start of this podcast, they've been copping shot after shot after shot from you. And now, now you're on your hands and he's begging. It's a credit to their public service.

They could easily just be like, no, this guy obviously doesn't know about that. So I fooled you. Usually now I'm like, you listen to our podcast. Yeah, he's like, what are you doing? You're like, oh, we have a podcast. It's all about how great dentists

are. What was the problem with your tooth? It was a. I don't know. It just hurt a lot. It's an old filling tooth that was. So it hurt a lot.

It was dead. Dying. No, it was it was irritating the nerves underneath it. Right, so the options were root canal? Too expensive. He sat me down, he turned the lights off, he turned the lamp on my face, he said, how badly do you want to keep this tooth?

I said, I'm not that attached to it, to be completely honest. It's attached to my head, but I'm not that attached to it emotionally. So let's remove it. But because I'm not that attached to it emotionally. So let's remove it. But because I'm such a scaredy cat, I was like, can we somehow knock me out? He's like, no, man, it's going to cost you like three or four times way more. Don't be such a scaredy cat.

Let's just rip it out of your head. So you go in, take these three sleeping tablets. I don't know if this is legal. I don't know where this dentist is really shifting. So I'm in his garage. I'm in his basement. I'm tied up. I don't know what's going on. Got no pants on. He said it's necessary. And yeah, I think like, it's like doesn't put you to sleep, but it makes you a bit out of it. I was pretty out of it. I'm going to be honest. I was really enjoying it. And I actually fell asleep at the lead up and then they woke me

up. I was like, no, no, no. Anyway, so they had to take the tooth out because it was like, unless they were to do the root canal and try and save the tooth, it's best to rip it out. Now I've got a big hole in my head. May I ask you just really quickly? Did you get any second opinion from April in regards to saving the tooth or losing the tooth? Nah, she said, get it out.

She wanted it out. She's still gonna be complaining. She's honestly so over it. She was at the point where I'd be like, oh my tooth, she was like, ooh, my tooth. She was like, no, actually that's right, I was in bed and I was like, oh I can't get out my mouth.

She was just like, you can't decide when it's too sore to get out of bed or when it's too sore not to get out of bed. So get out of it. Okay, so Managed to squeeze in on the Monday, which is two days ago and I do have a present for you, please. Are you ready? Oh, It's so big it is my tooth. I want to put it as I can a necklace thinking that money to clean it first probably Gosh, it's so long. It's a long tooth. Hey, so anyway. There's a hole in my head now. Oh, I'm so long dude Hang on a second. There's a big black mark in there isn't there what's your professional opinion?

Like that fucking guy is yeah pretty bad. What's the black stuff mean? There's a little bit of good in all of this. Do you want to keep it? I don't want to take it. No, it's yours. It's yours to keep. You'll never ever forget me. Thank you.

You'll never forget. Whenever you're facing yourself with a hard decision, look to the tooth. Hold the tooth. Hold it. Look to it and go, what's the right move here? And the tooth will tell you. I attended the Easter show with my children. I did notice that. I did. My wife. I also took my sister and my niece. Oh, you took the full family. Yeah. How'd you go? Good. It was actually good. It was actually,

they do a very good job out there. They do a very good job. Were the kids excited that they know what they're going for? Very excited. So the night before, got YouTube out, got video highlights of last year's Easter show, just to get them pumped up. Love that. So they were happy. They were ready, raring to go.

Now one person who was not behaved was me. Take yourself back to a couple of days ago where I said, I need to fix this rig. Yeah, you sent me a photo of your backside and you said, I need to fix this rig. Yeah, you sent me a photo of your backside and you said, I need to fix this. And I said, you look great. You don't need to fix anything. Nothing's broken. We've had quite a fun month, let's say,

a fun month of activities. Yeah, the trip to Vegas. Trips away. Which is full of beer. Food, beers. Burgers. Burgers. Pino, the crews.

Pino, food. A gang, chippies, pizzas, pizzas, beers. We've been living the good life. And I said to you, March was a dangerous month. Yes, yes. And I said, look, I've got like a month between now and when I've got some other stuff on that I, that I want, you know, I just want to like fix the rig.

So I went into the Easter show right before I left the house, ate something quite healthy like some eggs and protein and blah blah blah, getting ready to do some kilk kilometers and it's like when you go to the zoo as soon as you get there your legs hurt and you're hungry. Immediately. It's like when you go to the shop something to do with the lights. I get hungry. I'm like I want a kebab. I want an Alibaba kebab immediately in my mouth. And those chips. That's it. Quit the record. We're going to Alibaba. And I was like, OK, I'm not going to eat too badly until I walked,

literally physically walked in and I was like well I'm just fucking starving now it's 1030 in the morning now I just want to run you through what I ate. When Macy was like patting a little piglet and you're like oh just use some pulled pork. We hadn't got to we hadn't even got to the it was literally the first food truck as soon as I walked in I was like oh. Spoken like a true dad. We'll get through what I ate over the course of the day. Mind you, I was home by 4 p.m., so 10.30 to 4 p.m. This is what was on the menu for Ash Waves. Okay, here we go.

First thing, just start with a little Coke Zero, right? You love a Coke Zero. I love a Coke Zero. Just like, just to like wet the palette. Wet the palette, But alongside that- So cleanse the palate. Alongside that Coke Zero schnitzel burger. Next thing, Dagwood dog, German sausage.

Jesus. Homemade lemonade, a large one. Okay. Then I finished that off with a bit of ribs. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Like half or what? How many ribs are we talking? It's half rack of ribs.

I'm not judging. Okay. Chicken skewers. Sate chicken skewers. Extra sauce. Lovely. That was delicious. Corn on a stick. You gotta have corn. Times two. You gotta... Chip on a stick. Times two. Fairy floss on a stick. Also, goslume., donut on a stick, followed up by another Gosleme, a meat one this time

because the veggie one was very good. The meat one, awesome. Finished off with some ice cream, an ice cream sundae to be exact, a flake one with extra sauce and then I finished Oscar's ice cream. Grand total, about $230 something dollars worth of food that I ate at the Easter show. Oops. I literally could not stop eating. Remember when we were coming back from Vegas and you're like, fucking hell, you've eaten all day. That's all you've done. There's two modes with you. You're either fasting, you'll have like a drink in the afternoon, and that's all you have for the entire day, or you're just this machine.

Just hooning. Just opening the gullet and just letting everything come in. I pretty much did the Easter show tour of food trucks. Did April say anything? Or she? She wouldn't dare. Anyway, so I... When you say you finished Oscar's ice cream,

is that because he couldn't finish it or you were just like... I was like, I see you go. He left it out. Also, he can't work out the structural integrity of ice cream, okay, on a cone. Okay, if you're eating a cone, you need to lick around it to keep it standing tall. He can't quite work that out. He tries to lick the top, falls over. So I was like, you know what? I'm taking that and finish the ice cream.

Now I know that I'm not the only man to eat his way through the Easter show like this. I guarantee you, and I saw it. There were dads everywhere walking around, pulling those trollies that had pre-made lunches and stuff in them for the kids and whatever, but dad hoeing into a Dagwood dog. I got a jumbo Dagwood dog. My thing was fucking huge. It was like that big. How many inches?

Well, based off how many inches I have, I would say it's similar to about 12, 13 inches. No, it was, I don't know, it was big. Full of batter, full of Tomo sauce. Do you know what? Sometimes you just need to treat yourself. I also had a hot dog, but I just remembered. Oh, fucking.

Yeah. Anyway. All the vendors there are like, we've had record profits. I know. Jesus. Well, do you know who has a truck there? Chebow has a truck there.

Who's that again? You know Chebow does the burgers. Chebow. Yes. But I messaged him in the morning saying, I'm coming to see you. And he was like, batten down the hatches. We need more beef. I couldn't find him.

So they're stealing business. I'm just imagining like they do the parade of animals, you know, because the cows are on show. I'm just sitting there with a knife and fork and a knife and a beer. It's just like you're like walking onto the pitch and they're like, who the hell's this guy? And you're just like gnawing on a live cow. Just working. I've got one for me and one for milk. Where's my prize Daisy?

Anyway, other than that, each show was very good. Kids fell asleep in the car at the most awkward time on the way home, so they were up all night. I'm so tired still, two days later. That explains a lot. It does. But hey, from this moment on, and again, you don't need to fix anything. Nothing's broken, but you've had you've had your fun.

Now it's time to knuckle down. I'm getting fat shamed in my own house. No, not here. I'm getting fat shamed. I'm glad you had fun. Honestly, the most fun I've had in a while. The food. Oh, I knew I was going to fail as soon as I walked in there. Are you going back?

And the first thing, I'm just going back for the food. I'm going back for lunch. Petty couples walking down the street. Petty couples, down the street. Petty couples, they cannot like to meet. Petty couples, I love you but I'm immature. No one can push me quite like you. Ash, the first one here is from T.J.

Spelt? T-E-E. No. Space? Ash, first one here is from TJ. Spelt? T-E-E. No. Space? Do they not know there's a quicker way to spell that? I love words. Marley's learning how to spell right now.

Words like TJ, they're fantastic. Very easy. Very easy for young minds. That's just two letters. Well said. TJ says, my husband did one of the few loads of washing he's ever done and hung it on the line. Well done. Well done. Round of applause.

That's great. Bar's so low. That's so good. Good to see him doing his fair share. Not fair share. Is it? He's on the road. Yes it is. She says, I noticed it was still on the line the next day and reminded him to bring it in. The reminders continued over the next couple of days. Those clothes and towels remained on the line.

Days? She says, here, and I don't know if she's embellishing the story. TJ, I don't want to call you a liar, but this is... Days is a bit far-fetched. She's saying cut to 10 months later. No. 10 months. They weren't out there for 10 monthsfetched. She's saying cut to 10 months later. No. 10 months.

They weren't out there for 10 months. That's what she's saying. TJ says it must be true. He finally took them off the line. 10 months later. She says, I looked at them every single day. Out of sheer pettiness, I refused to bring them in. TJ, you've done the right thing here.

You've done the right thing. 10 months? That's more than a pregnancy. Oh, that's pretty petty, TJ. I will say they'll probably his clothes too. Like that's probably why she's left it. If it was anything important of hers, I guarantee TJ's got that off. Also, yeah, like the one time he finally does the washing,

he just does his clothes and not hers. So who's the pretty one here? Matt, I've got one from Gemma. Gemma says, sharing a bathroom with my husband is so annoying. I know, I have separate bathrooms. I'm with you. If he shakes too vigorously and sprays his piss on the floor, I use his towel. No. Oh, she also goes on to say the same applies if he gets water all over the floor

because he's incapable of using a bath mat properly. Oh my. because he's incapable of using a bath mat properly. Oh my. It still goes. She then says, sometimes I watch him drying his face and cream. But you've got to kiss that face. She doesn't have to, bro.

She doesn't have to. I hope he's not listening. Maybe he's got to get his foreskin checked and it's not his problem. Yeah, he's got a sick skin. That's great. And I love them checked and it's not his problem. Yeah, he's got a sick skin. That's great. And I love them. Keep them coming in.

Wow. You can send them to hello at twodotingdads.com or you can DM twodotingdads, the Instagram page. We will try and get around to all of them. There are lots because people are out there being petty, makes the days go by. I love how all these men are just completely oblivious to what's happening around them. They're wiping their face like towel smells a bit weird. Why does my towel smell pissy? Anyway, anyway, it must be me.

Back on Christmas really quickly. Did your kids get any presents that you thought why the fuck would make someone buy this for my kid? No, most of the toys were pretty good. Laura put on a pretty good spread for the girls. Toy wise. Toy wise. Wasn't a last minute effort like the usual?

No, even, you know how it is when we got all the toys sorted. We go into the last few days leading up to Christmas with the pressure taken off our shoulders about worrying about gifts. And then Marley would be like, actually, do you know what I want? I want a Gabby Dole house doll. And then Marley would be like, actually, do you know what I want? I want a Gabby Dollhouse doll.

And we're like, oh shit. And then Laura would run back to Kmart and get that sorted. The gift that they liked the most was the cheapest one, which was a lip gloss. Like of everything, of everything we gave the girls, like once they were all opened up, all the presents, it was the lip gloss that they liked the most, which is like a couple of dollars. I can't find any of the toys that we got.

Oh yeah. They're like, I know like I got Oscar a remote control car, like a hobby. It's not a hobby grade one, but it's like close. It's like eight year olds plus. And I was like, okay, what's the worst going to happen? Straight away crashed it, broke it, threw it out. Straight away. That's just Christmas.

But also like aunties and uncles and grandparents, they always seem to give like a present and then a little chocolate with it. And they're more interested in the little chocolate. Yeah. I found myself just been going, no, look at the big picture here. Look what you've been given.

They're like, I want that. It's like, oh my gosh, come on, man. The only gift that was a bit of a fail was it was from Laura. The gift of love. Oh, hello. Soggy doggy. Soggy doggy. Soggy doggy. Sounds like a sex position. It looks.

Have you ever tried this soggy doggy? Itggy doggy. Sounds like a sex position. It looks... Yeah. Have you ever tried the soggy doggy? It looks fun, doesn't it? Look at him. Look at him. Soggy doggy there. Look how happy he looks. And the kids are having a great time as well. It's in French.

I know, it's actually in both. It's English and French. Apparently the French love a soggy doggy. Don't we all? I thought they'd like it more froggy style, the soggy doggy style. Two million units sold around the world. So that, you know, it's going to be good. So just keep in mind, that's what soggy doggy looks like on the front of the box.

I think look, products that put their achievements on the box, we get it. Don't be a wanker. Yeah. Don't be a wanker. This is soggy doggy. Hang on a second. Get that box back up. Look how big that is. What's the deal with the box being so big? Well, do you fill the doggy up or something?

Do you pack it out? This is... Do you fill the doggy up or something do you pack it out? That's soggy doggy. Oh My god and keeping in mind, you know, I had to build that Don't look like much. I thought that that was the at at home bathtub and that's a big soggy doggy. That's like. So the way it works, you meant to roll a dice and then it's build as being the like gateway board game for kids. You know, you don't want to go straight into monopoly. You want to go with soggy doggy first. And then from there you build into other games. It's really easy.

It's fun. And you meant to roll the dice and then you push the handles and there's a like a tap thing that's missing. But with every roll the dice, it squirts some water and then you don't know what it's going to happen. But soggy doggy starts to shake and it like, and that's it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, soggy doggy, you're a disappointment to all of us. We played it and the kids were like, is that it? Yeah, that sucks. And I was like, Laura. But then you get to watch the real dog we have. Matt, what are the non-sexy things that you do that your partner Laura finds as a turn

on? I've got a great list here, Ash. You got a list? I got a list because I put the call out to people who listen to the podcast to give their answers. But for me, I've said this before many times, any domestic work around the house turns- Chore play.

Chore play, turns Laura into a horn dog. In particular, doing the dishwasher and washing the laundry. I don't do it as much these days, but if I was to get the mop bucket out, be careful, she will rip my clothes off. That's the only reason why I don't do the- You can mop up afterwards. But hey, what's it for April?

What does she love? That's a very, very, very good question. I don't know what she likes. No, same thing. I think if you get, if you elbow deep in a toilet, the sexier you are, I mean, like. Elbow deep in something else later on. Ew.

Cleaning seems to be the common consensus. But I've got a little list here, Ash. I know you've got it for yourself. So maybe we can just give like some sexy music right now to really set the mood. Oh yeah let me just turn something on really quickly. Oh okay when he wears his hat backwards. Oh that was a big trend for a while that's that is pretty sexy I'm just gonna say it. Laura does like it, I guess. When he rolls up his sleeves. Yeah. Means business is about to happen.

It's business time. Like when the sleeves roll up, you know, shit's about to go down. There is a lot of cleaning. There's some just some nice ones. I would say that's just like being a nice person, which is like running me a hot bath. Just for no reason. Gives you an indication of how low that bar is, where it's like if someone just ran me a bath,

did the bare minimum, I would love it. Just one here is just like, just be competent for the whole day. This is a niche one. She says her husband created a cracker for a stock whip out of a plastic bag. What? She loved it. Oh my goodness. Couldn't get enough. My last one's really, really simple.

It's just getting a pay rise. I don't know if April ever loves this, but this one says, when he puts his hand on the passenger headset and reverses the car. Oh yes. on the passenger headset and reverses the car. Oh, yes, I remember. Because back in the day when I was a child, this is how I was conceived, I reckon, there was no reverse cameras, and that was the go-to move, I reckon.

I reckon dad's like, and the feel of it, even if you slide it in between. Sam! So erotic. Also, wearing anything gray. Gray sweatpants. Is that a thing? You've got to have a decent sized cock for that though. Yeah not us. I don't even own a pair of grey sweatpants. Last one here, when he's on a work phone call and he uses his professional voice. Oh because your voice changes so much when you're just like chatting to a mate,

chatting to her or him and then you're back into it when you're just like chatting to a mate, chatting to her or him and then you're back into it and you're like, oh, we'll just circle back to that. It's like circle back, circle back on this. Well, it wasn't that a lot of fun. Anyway, if you're thinking maybe I could give Matt Nash a little present. Yes, you can. Jewelry, diamonds, cash. We'll leave our bank details in the show notes.

But for those of you who don't have any spare cash, we would love a little review. It would just, that would make a year. Five stars would be great. Leave a little comment in there or join us on socials. That'd be enough. That'd be gifted enough. No, I want both. Okay. We want it all. That'd be gifted. No, it's not. I want both Okay, we want it all I want I want to review don't be stingy. Yeah, give us a follow and and then have a Merry Christmas

Bye To Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.