Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #49 Kid poops, pooping yourself and finding a pooper

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

The plan for today's ep definitely wasn't to talk about shit nonstop.. but here we are. Apologies ! Macy is in the running for a world record for largest poop (based on poop to body weight ratio). There's actually a semi blurred image that we'll put on socials if you're brave enough to look. No judgment. Ash had a little shart incident over the weekend, which (credit to him) hasn't happened in a little while. Thoughts and prayers to his Uber driver. Matt and Laura took the kids to a great new park. Unfortunately it was cut short as Laura's coffee went right through her and the park didn't have toilets. Also worth mentioning that Lola still hates Matt but he's trying his best to turn things around. We share your best Toddler Meltdown stories as well as have a crack at answering your listener questions: How would you feel if you couldn’t have children? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You were saying that men's rings are. Men are a hard audience. Yeah. To make profitable returns for rings. But also like we break and we lose shit. We don't take care of those sort of things as much as the women folks. Where's your wedding ring? I don't often wear it, but I was saying that I lost a ring ages ago, years ago.

Not your wedding ring? No, no. It was before that. April got me a ring for something. Anyway, how I lost it was before that april got me a ring for something anyway how i lost it was i was jerking off what and i dribbled a bit down my hand and i've wiped my hand with some toilet paper and then thrown it in the bin and flushed it before i realized that the ring had come off with the toilet paper. That's so disappointing.

I'm one big piece of disappointment. It's so disappointing where something that should bring you joy ends up hurting you. Yeah, I know. And then April was like, where's the ring gone? I was like, can't find it. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I am Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast all about parenting.

It is the good. It is the good it is the bad and the ever so relatable and if you have come wanting some advice unfortunately this is not i repeat not the podcast for you we will not be as i'm sure you can tell from that intro we don't sit here and dish out any type of advice at all. But we are two parents, whilst trying very hard, making lots of mistakes. Absolutely. I think you got through that entrance really good then. I just listened to the episode coming out this week.

Oh, yeah, we didn't know what we were doing. We were like, what do we do again? What's the name of this podcast again? But no, we're back. We're good. Good? We're okay. We're surviving.

I'm surviving. I had one of those days yesterday. I was saying. I know. You got injured, mate. Also, when you messaged me and you told me you had an injury, I'm sorry for not giving you. You gave me nothing.

Sorry. So rude. I was like, I could have been on my deathbed and you were like, not today. No way. I think it's a rich to call it a deathbed experience. You don't know that. Please tell the listeners what happened.

It was just one of those days where like- Oh, wait, sorry. Sorry. Before, we should have a beer. Oh, shit. Yes, very true. So, as we always do, we talk about what we're drinking today thanks to our partners at Stone & Wood.

And today is something very special, something very different, something some would say is limited. It's very limited. It's very, very limited. It's hard to find these. I know, it's really hard to find it. We're talking about the new Mango Pale Ale. Some are saying it's summer in a can.

Well, it's made with real mango puree, Ash. I don't want to talk about it too much long because I just really want to have a sip. Also, it's got those galaxy hops in it as well. They love the galaxy hops over at Stonewood. Now, we both haven't tried this. So let's crack it open and then we'll- Give you my feedback.

Ready? One, two, three. Oh, cheers. Cheers, my friend. Cheers. Thank you. Oh, that smell is very fruity. Oh, that's smooth.

Yeah. Mangoey. That's lovely. Funny that. You can really taste the puree. You can. No preservatives, no additives. Oh, yes, 4.6%.

4.6%, that's easy drinking. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Grab a slice of summer in a can from stoneandwood.com.au or you can shop at First Choice, Liquorland, Nationwide and select vintage sellers. From Matthew, from mid-Feb. I will also say, Ash, I'm a big fan of the can.

It's delicious. Whoever designed that, can I just say well done? That's nice. It's a beautiful can. And of course, what we like to do is thank Stone & Wood. For them, this wouldn't be possible. Our partners in crime. Thank you very much. And thank you for providing the beers. Where were we talking about?

Oh, yes. Sorry. Your injury. Injury. Let's hear. Well, you walked. Can I just say you walked in fine. Oh, yeah. I'm fine. I'm not fine. Jury's out on whether I'm fine. So what happened? Where were you?

What are we talking about again? Where were you? You were at the beach. So yesterday was just one of those days that parents have where everything's a struggle. From getting up, getting the kids up, out, it's going to be a very hot day, so we're like, let's get in early so we can go somewhere and actually get a car park

that's not 10km away from the beach because all of a sudden everyone wants to go to the beach. I blame nippers. Yeah, nippers are there. A bloody nightmare. Yeah. Did you ever do nippers? not 10 Ks away from the beach because all of a sudden everyone wants to go to the beach. I blame nippers. Yeah, nippers are there. A bloody nightmare. Did you ever do nippers? I did.

I lived on the sunny coast for a year in grade one. You've been around. Maybe I didn't do nippers. I think it was my sister. But jury's out whether or not I'll get the girls into nippers. Oh, got to do it. Are you a nippers kid? Yeah, Northie.

When's Oscar going to start nippers? i think next year maybe next summer we'll get onto nippers later but i think it's a very good idea one of those days we're struggling struggling struggling get him to the beach then you get to the beach and then they're like whinging and complaining about how fucking hot it is and blah blah blah blah blah anyway we're leaving the beach time to go home because macy still does the midday nap which i love because then I get a midday nap. And you know how much I love my midday nap. And you know what? It's like trying to round up the kids.

They're covered in sand. It's a fucking nightmare. So we're trying to get them back into the car, right? So this is the first thing that's really happened. And there's nothing worse than wrangling your kids, like being frustrated that they're not listening, trying to get them into a hot car so you can start the car. Do you wash them? Do you give them a shower before they get in the car? And I hate that. It's cold. It's like you're that they're not listening, trying to get them into a hot car so you can start the car. Do you wash them?

Do you give them a shower before they get in the car? And I hate that. It's like you're washing them in acid. One of the hardest things about leaving the beach is trying to convince them to like get under the water. I know. I try and trick them. How?

Just be like, just use the little tap at the bottom and then I turn the big one on the top. Ah, yeah. So we've done that. I've tricked them. Anyway, so there's nothing worse than like trying to wrangle and get everything together. No one's listening to you and then you accidentally hurt yourself.

And that's what happened. I'm having a dig at these kids to get in your car seat. They want to play in the car. They're carrying on. And I've come around the corner of the back of the car. Gosh. Not looking. Not looking at what I'm walking on because the car next to me's door is open

up against my car. So I'm concentrating on that. And, you know, those little concrete things at the back of a car park that you can roll your tires up against. It's like a pillar thing. Yes. Familiar. Wooshka.

What have you done? Second toe from the end. Kicked it without looking at it at full agitated pace and I went down, baby, like down to the ground. You used to play soccer, so you've got a strong kick on you and I can only imagine how it must have felt having your toe absorbed all that power. Those kids felt the wrath of like I went down.

You kids. Well, their fault. Fuck off. It's their fault. It's their fault. Oscar's like, what? I'm in the car, dude. This is on you.

Yeah, but you weren't in the car. I was trying to get you to sit in your seat. So that's the first thing. And I went down like a sack of shit. And it's, I can't explain the feeling of like you being so frustrated and then that happening. But it happened more than once yesterday. Can I see the toe?

Yeah. Give us a look. How do I get out? Oh, shit. Can you get that on camera? Yeah, yeah. Hold it up a bit closer. There it is.

Yeah. Come across this way. Oh, okay. I'm not that flexible. There it is. Okay. Okay. So that was the first thing that happened.

Free food content for everyone. It does have a bit of a bruise on there. I'm sorry, first of all, for not paying you any attention when you messaged me yesterday. No, I think the end's broken. You can't do anything about those broken toes, man. That'll be the second toe. Second toe in like six months I've broken.

Remember I broke the other one? How'd you break the other one? I kicked it. Same thing but on the corner of the kitchen because I was chasing after Macy who had a knife. Why does she always find the knives? Probably should stop living on the ground. So then the second thing was later on in the afternoon,

just a full day of this garbage. I can't barely walk because my foot hurts so much. And I was yelling at the kids to get in the bath. Get in the bath. Come on. I've made like they're just like mucking around. And in our hallway, we've got a linen cupboard with a door handle that clearly sticks out like door handles do.

I went to pick up a toy that was on the ground in front of the door, picked it up, leant back up and went bang, the back of my head on a door handle, instant headache. April's doing the concussion test. I'm livid at this point. Took off, had a tantrum. How's that door looking? It's just a few indents.

No holes, thank God, because I've done that once before. It's a rental. Yeah. I was like, anyway. So it's just one thing after another. And then also what happened yesterday is that Macy, like she must have been constipated or something. So I'm just like trying to get her to do a poo.

She was clearly uncomfortable, right? And eventually after crying and trying to push this poo out, and I've said it before, girls poo hard out. Boys are like- Only when they're toddlers and once they hit the teens, they actually stop pooing and- They don't poo anymore. Rose petals come out.

Yeah, okay. Roses really smell like poo. That's why they poo so much when they're toddlers because they have to get all that poo out when they're adults. And they don't poo anymore. Yeah. I told you about that. My friend's wife only poos when he's asleep.

Oh, it's wild. Still. So, Macy, no wonder she was so... And I need you to brace yourself for this. Are you going to show me the shit? I'm going to show you the shit. Oh, gosh. It was...

It's been a while since we've spoken about kids' shit. I feel like we... Are you ready for this? Oh, my God. Show me. The girth. Oh, my God. Show me. The girth. Oh, what? For those at home.

Holy. It looks like one of those girthy pickles that we've been given the NRL boys. Is that a bit of capsicum at the end? It's Play-Doh. That is unbelievable. If you swipe to the next photo, you can see the person who it came out of. Oh, my. The tiny little girl And she's like

Happy as Larry after that Oh my days That must have You sure April didn't do this? No April's like Oh mostly How is it though?

Oh my goodness I've never seen anything like it What did you do with it? I've It's still there I kept it in a box, a glass box. You can't flush that. Oh, it went straight out of the big bins. If I had to flush that, I'd have to call the plumber. It's ginormous.

That's the biggest shit I've ever seen. How much did that weigh? It was pretty, like, lofty. I mean, can we show people that shit? Can we put that on socials? Yeah. Like, that's lofty i mean can we show people that shit can we put that on on socials yeah like that's wow surely that's got to be a record how did it come out of that little girl there's got to be some kind of record out there when you compare the ratio of like poo to the person who did it it's ginormous like that's like the size of a leg. Anyway, that was my day yesterday. That's my girl.

I was like, yeah. You got to be proud. Yep. How long did it take her to get that out? An hour. So I'm dealing with a headache, a concussion, and a fucking broken toe. I wish I could shit like that.

Do you know how good that would feel coming out of your eyes? So cathartic. I'd pay good good that would feel coming out of your eyes? Oh, so cathartic. I'd pay good money to have that come out of me. Anyway. She's not going to shit for a year now. Nah. You think? Oh, Jesus.

Anyway. That was me yesterday, mate. Well, yeah, again, apologies. That's all right. You deserve more from me. You didn't get it. I didn't get it. But hey, speaking of shit.

We're just going to talk about shit all day i just want to say really really quickly you had a little laugh at my stories yesterday we went to a new park on the weekend we had like a little game of tennis with the girls oh yeah yeah yeah they loved it there was a park next door once our booking like ran out we'll go along to the this park and it's not one we normally go to because it's it's like you know a bit of a drive from our place normally the park for us is always walking distance yeah you walk back to and uh and laura had her coffee a large soy cap in her hand thank you very much poo inducing soy cap and she's looking really worried she was like looking a little bit panicked and i was like

what's wrong and she's like scanning, scanning, scanning. And I'm like, are you okay? And she goes, I'm about to shit myself. And the issue was that this particular park in Bondi, no public toilets. None whatsoever. What happened? I know you're going to tell me.

Well, she started freaking out so she starts like walking across the field like trying to there's a church building next door and she's like is that surely there's public toilets in there and i'm like i don't think there are so she's like storming across the pitch i saw that yeah scanning for a toilet couldn't find one couldn't find one so you had to the kids are having a great time in the park oh like new park loving it and we're like we have to go home only been at the park for like 15 minutes oh it's the worst laura was about to shit herself so did she make it she made it and i do just want to say for anyone who's in a situation where they are about to shit themselves and they

can't find a toilet there There is an app out there. It's called. Oh, there's an app for this? Yeah, the Flush Toilet Finder app. Wow. Tells you exactly where all the public toilets are. You only found these out after. Because everyone, I got so many messages from people saying,

hey, dude. There's an app. Yeah, I shit all the time, like a couple times a day, and I always have to like know wherever I'm going, where the closest toilet is. Oh, my God. Also, get that checked. So, yeah, just quickly for anyone who does.

And you know me, I frequently shit myself. Yeah, you shit like four times a day. Speaking of shitting myself, I have done it again. Go on. I was going to a mate's house on friday to go through like his wedding prep stuff because i'm the mc for his wedding so and he's like come up we'll have a barbecue have a couple of beers go through it you know so it's not such a chore yeah and i was like oh easy so they like it's like a 12 uber i was like i was getting uber uber up there uber

back not that i'm poor but but $12 is $12. And I was at the front waiting for the Uber, and I thought I could squeeze out a little fart before getting into the Uber. I know where this is going. It was liquid. Oh, gosh. It was a little bit wet. It was too late.

Speaking of, you're so quick to say to someone else, get that checked out. For goodness sake, if you were doing liquid shits when you're trying to fart you need to go get that checked out it was just a bit wet it was just a bit wet and i um so did you it was too late to cancel the uber yeah you don't get that you get charged thankfully it was like a big care carnival i was like i'll sit in the seventh row thanks and then i got there and I text my mate and I was like, just so you know, I'm going to have to just go straight to the bathroom in your house because I think I've shit myself.

And I'm in the back of this Uber trying not to smell right now. Oh, I don't know. I'm still unsure. Were you like, actually, no air con, just wind the windows down. Yeah, fresh air conditioning. And then got there, went, checked, little shot. So I apologized to the Uber driver. I wonder why I only got one star.

But I just thought I actually completely forgot because I was so embarrassed I buried it so deep. But Laura's vulnerability has been able to let me tell my story. So thank you, Laura. There is nothing more stressful than that feeling of like if I was to relax right now i would shit myself and knowing that you're so far from your own toilet and also not knowing where the nearest toilet is that's an anxiety that i wish upon no one no i've got an anxiety as it is that'd be something i just don't need my assholes just

decided to let it happen just shit yourself bro This podcast really did talk a lot about shit. Anyway, just today. That's enough about shit? Well, this one's not shit related. Two things I want to talk about, Ash, just really quickly. The first is just a quick update on Lola. Oh, yeah. Quick little update on Lola.

I have been talking a lot about the fact that she hates me, does not want anything to do with me. I made such good progress on the weekend. I was making such good progress. A lot of people said to me, all you need to do is make sure that you guys have little experiences together, just the two of you, things that she enjoys. Just keep doing that.

Keep chipping away and she'll turn it around and she'll come good and she'll start to like you again. So all weekend I was putting in so much effort. She could have come at me with a knife and I'm like, that's fine. You can stab me. Stab me. We're all having fun. Stab away.

I'm not going to say no to you at all. So we went to the park. We got baby chinos. We did painting together. Just anything that she wanted to do, I was like, this is great. As long as you're happy, I don't care. And then on the couch, a bit of quiet time in the afternoon, she let me cuddle her as we were watching TV.

And I was like, hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. What's the fucking word? Hallelujah. Hang on. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. hallelujah what's the fucking word hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah this is good well you get four or five dates uh hallelujah there we go sorry for everyone playing at home i'm not having a stroke

hallelujah so anyway she's letting me cuddle her nice and afterwards she's like daddy can we make a fort together and i was like oh yeah absolutely we can make a fort together i thought you'd never ask and i did something that sent me back oh what'd you do it's a damn shame you called it marley or something so as we went into the room downstairs to build a fort, and this was a silly little mistake. It was an accident. We all make mistakes. And she was in front of me, right?

Yeah. And this is how stupid the mistake was. She was in front of me. She stopped, and I didn't realize it. She went to turn around because she forgot something. I was right behind her with my phone in my front pocket. And so she's turned around and gone to walk out the door. She's just come in and she's head-butted the phone in my pocket.

Straight back down there. Dude, she's on her back screaming, looking at me as if like, why have you done this to me? I was like, oh, my God. They don't understand accidents either. And me as if like why have you done this to me i was like oh my god they don't understand accidents and laura's like what have you done and i was like i just just crash tackled her trying so i know right now they don't understand that it's an accident like i was wiping oscar's butt the other day and he was bent over but i wiped a little too hard and got he got off balance axis and just head butted the ground and it was like, it was clearly an accident.

I'm not trying to kill my child. And he just couldn't understand. It was an accident. I'm like, bro, that was an accident, you know, like you can't explain it to them and she's turned around into you. Yeah. And I've just like, I've like essentially just need her in the face. Be more careful, bro.

That's what she'd be doing. Just so keen to build that phone. So now what? You're back. Oh, yeah. She wouldn't let me touch her. Oh. Tried to.

I do feel for you. Tried to read her a story at night time. Just like, nah. No, not having it. Oh, you're that guy who tried to knock me out downstairs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As soon as I come to the doorway, she's like, you. I know.

How quickly you can become public enemy number one in your own house. It's wild. It's a vibe. So what's the plan? What's next? Do you just have to build back up again? Well, okay. So the thing is, the thing that I've realized,

when she doesn't hate me, it's where she knows that Laura is like not an option. So if we're like outside of the house. So we have to off Laura. So I need someone to get rid of Laura. Okay. We're taking applicants to do that job for us. So there is a cruise coming up, Ash, that you're going on.

Oh, yes. I'm thinking about coming potentially to four-day cruise. And I'm thinking about coming and bringing lola and marley without laura purely on with the objective you know what's gonna happen what's that i'll love uncle ash and then i'll be like fuck up damn we want to hang out with ash so it's uh it's not until march so i've got a bit of time i'll'll come very quick. To be honest, I'm nervous. I don't know. I feel like it could go either way.

It could be a nightmare and my kids could just hate me for four nights straight. No, Marley likes me. Marley's good. Yeah. Lola, I just, like, she cannot go to sleep. We can just bitch about her heaps. Make you feel better.

Who? Lola. We can just sleep. We'll be like, what about when she did that? No, because that's like- Well, she'll be asleep. Make you feel better. No, I'll feel like a piece of shit.

Oh, okay. No, so I think- I'll feel good, no. I think the plan would be to just create some beautiful memories without Laura. So forget who Laura is for the full day. That's the most important part. I think you can probably gauge how it's going to go when you break the news to Lola. Like, we're going to go on a cruise ship, a big boat.

Kids love boats. But your mum's not coming. Yeah, exactly. Then you'll know, like. Well, then what do I do if she turns around, like, night one being like, because she will not go to sleep. Yeah. I'll make a decision.

The day of. I'll make a decision in the coming days. Yeah. But the. I think the plan's bulletproof oh actually also can i just quickly say ash before we get into meltdowns yeah we had lola's birthday oh yeah just gone and i forget like christmas is great because the kids have like equal presence oh yeah yeah right the hardest thing about a birthday is trying to explain to one child Christmas is great because the kids have equal presents. Oh, yeah, yeah. Right? The hardest thing about a birthday is trying to explain to one child

why you get nothing and the other one gets everything. That's why we just don't throw birthdays for Oscar. Yeah. It's a bloody nightmare. We had like the morning of. What do people do there? Like what did you do? Like you obviously just had the experience,

but did you have like a contingency plan? Yeah, we had to get Marley some gifts as well. So we had this like the kids are obsessed with makeup, so we had to get some little like nail polish, like a little packet of nail polish. We gave one to Marley, same one gave to Lola. Lola got more presents obviously obviously but we just gave something so marley had at least one thing to unwrap on the morning of it's a rock but then after a second she

was like well what else do i get and then lola had like a brand new backpack to take to daycare oh no and had all these like you know all these fancy things that she could you know like new t-shirt new backpack yeah some essential stuff that she needs too. Like a backpack is like not super fun, but it's essential. Yeah. And then Marley was like, well, this is effed up. Like what have you got for me? And we're like.

Cake? Yeah. Well, even like that night Marley was still like just couldn't comprehend why Lola was getting all the attention and Marley was getting nothing. Sad, isn't it? It's an effing nightmare. And then to make things worse, we're at my sister's place she's got a little trampoline and the kids were jumping on the trampoline it's an inbuilt one yeah but once lovely that's very

good and the kids were being a little bit rough and rowdy we're like should we step in they fight it out well we're like they'll be fine and also you kind of need kids to just get hurt. No barrier. No barricade. We look out and Lola's like being double bounced. She's like midair. She's coming down. Marley falls down. So she's like laying on her back. Lola like stomps on her face.

Marley gets like foot to the face, starts screaming. She's chipped her tooth. Shit. Yeah, dude, to make things worse. Not a good day for Marley. And that was right before we did the birthday cake as well. So now Marley's got this like bottom tooth and I was thinking like. Sorry, which one hates you again? Yeah.

Oh, my God. So, Marley was like, birthdays suck. Unless it's her birthday. Yeah. This is great. But, yeah, at the same time. The problem is in June when it's Marley's birthday, you'll have to explain to Lola why she's not getting anything.

Oh, it's going to be a nightmare. I'm almost like you need to get rid of Lola. And Lola's a bruiser. She's a bit of a bruiser. Yeah. Marley's a bit more like delicate. It's worth just doing presents like one-on-one. Don't bring the other kid.

Like put the other kid outside. Wake the other one extra early. Like, yeah, quick. Yeah, literally. Literally. But then like Marley would wake up and Lola's got all this new stuff and she's like, did I sleep through a whole day? Yeah.

You don't realize those kind of situations, one that should be nothing but joyous, they are a bloody nightmare. Turns into a meltdown which leads us perfectly into tantrums of the week. It's the final meltdown. The final countdown I've got one for you. Yep. Here.

I'm going to bring out the iPad because this is a bit of a long one. Okay. That's your cue for your line. That's what she said. Yeah. There it is. I missed it. I missed it.

Damn it. Can you tell me how to get it? No. This one is a long one. That's what she said. Okay. This is from Laura. From Laura?

Yeah. Different Laura. The first time we've actually had a meltdown from someone who's not a parent. Oh. I believe. If it's about their dog having a meltdown or something, not the same. No. Don't worry.

Don't worry. It's not a pet parent. Cool. We have none of those listening after our weekly rants. No wonder Dan lets down. This one is from Laura who is a nanny. Okay. She says, years ago, I was working as a full-time live-in nanny

and I took the two kids to the pool for the day. After a swim, I was trying to wrangle the four-year-old into her dry clothes and then the two-year-old into her dry clothes, and then the two-year-old was climbing under the shower stools. So as I start dragging her back, she climbs all the way under another woman's shower and starts howling. So she's in reaching under the shower, trying to grab the two-year-old and haul her out when the lady in the stool rightfully opens the door and clocks me right in the head with the door. Meanwhile, the four-year-old drops her dry clothes into a puddle,

takes her shirt off as well and starts howling, you're not my real mum. well and starts howling you're not my real mom oh that's gonna cut deep too like you're not my real mom it's kind of like when i was telling you that story about the guy trying to put his kid into the car seat she's like help that's good laura that's a cracker especially because they're not your kids either. Oh, no, don't go to the pool. Like if you're a nanny, just put on YouTube. Totally.

You get paid to make the kids watch YouTube. That's a good one. Very good, Matthew. I've got one here. I've been getting a couple on email. So 2DDTWODD at Outlook.com.au. Flick them over if you like. This one comes from Laurie.

Laurie says, hi, fellas. Last night while my son was in the bath, I washed his hair. He cried so hard and then he vomited. I sympathize with that because Marley's often gotten to the point where she cries so much where she's like, bleh, so much where she's like, is she going to vomit? Never happened. And I've always wondered like can they get to the point where they cry so much? And also because then you've got to fucking go empty the bath,

refill the bath, wash them again. Oh, it's a nightmare. It's like the other day Oscar got in the bath, did a wee straight away, and then I'm like, now Macy can't get in, mate. No. What do you mean? So I've had to like. Yes, you can.

No. Yeah, you can, dude. No. And I had to undo the bath, redo the bath. It was a nightmare. There, dude. If the kids wee in the bath, that's play on. Not into it.

It was so yellow. I was like, oh, that dehydrated you, boy. I have another one. Or do you have another? I've got another one here as well. Oh, okay. I have another one. Or do you have another one? I've got another one here as well. Oh, okay, cool. This one is from Mrs. Garbo. Mrs. Garbo?

How do you say? Garbo. Garbo. How do you spell it? Why is it every week we have a problem with the name? I know. I'm so dyslexic I cannot read. Garbo.

Mrs. Garbo. And she says her toddler screamed for 15 minutes because he couldn't join the sweet buns in the oven. I'm guessing that's like sweet buns are like hot cross buns. Yeah. Also had a meltdown because he couldn't fill up the freezer with snowballs. She says, by the way, we live in Norway, which maybe explains the- Snowballs.

The sweet buns and the snowballs. There you go. Lots of love. Huge fan from Norway. Oh, that's nice. Mrs. Garbo, thank you so much. We have one Norwegian listener. Yeah.

Who would have thought? Spread the word. I wonder how far it is to the next person's house in Norway. Is it like far apart? What do you mean? A dense city? No. I mean, there are cities in Norway.

It's like six houses in Norway. It's a a six house country i've got one last one this is from blake he said my then four-year-old had an epic meltdown when i explained to her that she could neither marry me or have a baby with me. I love it. I love the short and sharp ones because it just shows you how ridiculous they are sometimes. So if you've got one, DM us or send us an email or 2dd at outlook.com.au. Hey, before we go into questions, I do want to say, remember you talked about catching a mouse in your household

yeah i did oh april caught it on me and you use a very interesting bit of ingredients marshmallows so joni has just said joni what do you got i'm happy to share with you ash that marshmallows do in fact work ha ha ha thank you she says We have a rat in our house. For weeks now, cheese and cake, nothing would work. They've gone to Marshmallow and it worked. Marshmallow for the first time and overnight we caught the rat. Nice. What did you do with it? We bludgeoned it to death.

Yeah, literally. Unfortunately, it was not a catch and release type of trap. Marshmallow won, rat zero. not a catch and release type of trap. Marshmallow one, rat zero. Very good. Very good. It's good to see that we are giving advice.

Thank you, April, for the marshmallow tip. How to kill animals. Questions, Matt. Shall I go first or would you like to go first? Can I go first? Do you mind to go first? Can I go first? Do you mind if I do? Yeah. Okay.

This one is a short and sharp one. How would you feel if you couldn't have kids? Oh, depends on what age you'd ask me that. I can't imagine right now life without kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's just, you know, we're like five years in. Yeah. Is it kind of like if you had the option to go back and make the decision? Obviously, I would not have them because they are a nightmare.

Oh, man. I remember it's weird how certain memories like stick out in your mind. But before we had kids, I remember having a chat at my sister's place and it was off the back of one of her friends. They were trying for a kid. They've been trying for like a year or two, also trying IVF. And it's hard because you only find out that you have issues once you start trying and you're unsuccessful.

Yeah, or you decide to try and it's like. That's it. I mean, you don't like date someone and go hey how fertile are you some people would i reckon yeah you're right i reckon can i just get a sperm count please do you reckon people are just so it would be a bit of a flex if you had on like your tinder profile like by the way great spam count it'd be like you're uber rating your sperm count yeah i think we're on to something there and i remember my sister said oh how would you feel if you and laura couldn't have kids and i was like yeah wow i'd never really at that point

you know we'd only been yeah you never thought like what if i couldn't yeah i was like that'd be really like i always imagined that i would be a dad like i always thought that was like you know part of the plan. Well, you practiced enough. That's for sure. But then like weirdly just like timing of events, Laura was in Bali at the time and I picked her up three days later and she got into the car and she goes, I need to tell you something. She slept with a little Balinese boy. She's like, I've had an affair. And I was like, wow.

His name was Wayan. I was like, this is not panning out like I expected. He works for Bluebird Taxis. They're really popular in Tempest. And she said, I'm pregnant. No, actually, no, sorry. I am fucking lying. She goes, I need to tell you something.

And I go, you're pregnant. And she's like. Oh, that's right. Yeah. How did you know? I was like, it's just, I don't know, like the weird how. Yeah. Circumstances. But yeah i think i if i didn't such a tough one because there's so many good moments but there's so many like i do look at there's a mate of mine he's always said

i i never want to have a family with a long-term partner he's just one of those people that him and his partner have always just said we have no desire whatsoever to have a yeah double income no kids and i look at them and they're traveling they're doing these great holidays got a beautiful house it's not messy a beautiful apartment that's just like always spotless and they go out for dinners midweek and i do at times you're really selling it to me i'm like that must be pretty good yeah at times especially when let's just stick with that time yeah yeah obviously yeah depending on this so i would not have it any other way yeah if you ask me that question on a bad day you know what the answer

would be if you ask it to me on a good day you know what the answer would be right can that be my answer absolutely okay all right let me ask you a question please it wasn't as hard hitting as that oh it's sort of similar. The question is this, but I'll rephrase it for you because I'm definitely done because I've had the snip. Had the snip. How did you know you were done after two kids? Maybe this is directed at me, but I'm going to ask you the question.

Well, I'm very indecisive. I'm leaning towards now more and more, leaning towards the fact that I am done. We will not have a third. For a period of time I was thinking about it. Yeah, I remember last year you were like. Laura still came for a third. The issue is Laura's just got so much on work-wise.

Oh, yeah. She wouldn't even consider getting pregnant until end of next year, so 2025. Right. And then I kind of think, man. That's a big gap. That's a big gap, right? You've got to go all the way back.

That's like, you know, it's like a marathon. Everyone's like kind of like, you know, past the halfway mark, home stretch. You've got to go all the way back and go, got to buy nappies again now, got to get a pram, got to get that tiny capsule, got to get up every two hours. Just like the thought of having to bloody like every meal like feed the kid. Oh, my God.

I knew when I was held Macy for the first time on the day she was born because I was present after I woke up from fainting mid C-section and I was like, I don't want to do this again. Mate, when you know... That was it. I'm like, I don't want to... When I woke up on the floor of the delivery room suite... I dusted myself off.

I was like, hard day that one. I was like, no, no. And I think that's a good thing. When you make that decision, you obviously want to be certain. Because someone did ask me a question that whilst I'm kind of leaning towards not having another one, this question made me go, oh, hang on a second. Oh, it better be a bloody good question.

So they said, well, it's a simple one. They said, why don't you just get the snip? Get the snip. Yeah, but there's two sides to that though. Go on. As someone who has been snipped, it wasn't that I wanted to have another kid that stopped me. It was there's something deep inside a man's brain that thinks,

I'm going to lose my superpower, whatever, as ridiculous as that is. I think we've been over this. Nothing fucking changes. Yeah. Okay. Well, except for the fact that- I just fade off to the left now when I walk. Yeah. Okay. Well, except for the fact that- I just fade off to the left now when I walk. I'm just less of a man than I was before, but that doesn't matter.

You're probably going at that with like it's the kid side of things, but I guarantee you if you booked it and got it done, you'd be like that was the right choice. Look, good question, but also I don't think that's the be all and end all i just i just want to know that even if i'm 99 sure that i don't want to have kids if that one percent grows into 99 that i do want to have another kid would i regret it would i look back at 36 year old matt going you're an idiot for getting the snip. Do you want to be 40 with like a one-year-old? No. That's realistically. Robert De Niro had a kid and he's 80.

That's disgusting. Okay. That's what that is. Okay. Don't compare yourself to Robert De Niro either. If it's good for De Niro, it's good for me. All right. That's a good way to end it.

Very good. We'll have to pick back up on this when you've made up your decision yeah you don't have to it's a thing as well you don't have to make up your mind now no but also do you really want to deal with liquid shits again no no yeah anyway it's their own i mean the only thing is at the moment our method of contraception is is the pull-out method and there is a part of me that goes, it would be nice to like get the snit to be able to like end the sex in that way, you know, if you know what I'm saying.

It just reminded me of something. I want to dine in. I want to dine in. You don't want to take away. Yeah, I want to dine in. I want to sit down and get comfortable and stay there. Yeah. I don't want to drop my food on the footpath at the front. Yes. Yeah, I want to dine in. I want to sit down and get comfortable and stay there. Yeah. I don't want to drop my food on the footpath at the front.

Yes. No, I want to drop the food. As disgusting as that sounds. I want to drop the food in the restaurant. Yeah, exactly right. And it'll be fine. I want to make a mess in the restaurant. Yeah, don't want to make a mess.

I want to have a food fight. In the restaurant. In the restaurant. Yeah, at the front and spill your beans on the floor. Yeah. Yeah. Are you picking up what I'm saying? I am.

That's just giving me a little flashback to young childhood Ash. I love getting these flashbacks. I remember I used to go to a Catholic school. I'm not Catholic. My mum faked me being Catholic to get in. She said she would fax over the baptism certificate. Just never did it. And I remember I was in a religion class because they do religion

and they were talking about contraception and stuff, religion. And the teacher said, do you know what the number one form of contraception is? And I said, just pull it out. How old are you at this point? Fifteen. And the teacher happened to be also the principal and he pretty much looked at me and said,

off you go. And I knew exactly where to go. And it was the answer. The correct answer was abstinence. Anyway. Look at me, dude. I'm living by your rules at 15. That's the number one method.

And on that note, if you have enjoyed this episode, we would love it if you shared it with any other parents out there, anyone who would like to laugh. And, of course, if you want to give us a review, that would be the ultimate. Ash, we don't beg. Not yet. We ask politely.

It is February. What does that mean? Long way to go. Give us a cheeky review. Yeah, why not? I dare you. You won't. You won't give me a review.

I see what you're doing there. You won't give me five stars. Let's try and trick them. Let's get out of here. See you. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders,

past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.