Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #50 Weird Allergies, Bum Births And Gremlins In The Night

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

How much are you willing to spend on a fruit salad platter? Last weekend, Lola turned the big three.  When it rains, it pours, leaving poor Lola afraid that no one will turn up to her party, but even Ash makes the trek. Matt may have left the catering at the last minute and may have also spent waaay too much on a fruit platter.  Ash is dealing with a gremlin child who crawls into Mum and Dad's bed every night. Oscar has somehow managed to smuggle a foreign crunchy object into the bed that freaks out Ash.  Oh, and Matt has a new toy to add to his bug-killing collection. We share your best Toddler Meltdown stories and have a crack at answering your listener questions:  What are your opinions on swearing in front of kids? When is the right time to move your kid from cot to bed?  Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads. If you need a shoulder to cry on: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  Email: [e-mail]     See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Maybe close your eyes, close your eyes. No, I want to see what's going to happen. Close your eyes. Close your eyes! No! No! Ow! Welcome back to Two Doting Dads.

I am Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast that happens to be all about parenting. It's the good, the bad. And the relatable. And if you've come wanting any type of advice, I will stop you right now and just say that none will be given. Zero. We do have to say that for legal reasons as well.

Every now and then we will offer a peppering of advice, which is purely accidental and it's just Ash and I pretending like we know what we're doing. We haven't fact-checked that at all. When clearly we don't. Ash, I haven't said this to you and I'm sorry it's taken so long. I wanted to say thank you. Oh, fuck off.

What for? Thank you, Ash. I don't like where it's taken so long. I wanted to say thank you. Oh, fuck off. What for? Thank you, Ash. I don't like where it's going. To me, it was a real obvious point in the relationship that I now know that we have stepped it up a notch. Okay, yeah. You came to Lola's birthday party. I did.

I did. I didn't even tell my kids it was their birthday. Do you know how many people messaged me and said, whose birthday was it, Lola's or Oscar's? I got a heap of, did you tell Oscar it was his birthday? I bet you told Oscar it was his birthday. It was for reference. My daughter, Lola, had a three-year-old birthday party recently.

But why do people think it could be for Oscar? So my kids are what, coming up to five and the other one's two and neither of them have had a birthday party because I do this genius thing to save money. Whatever birthday party we go to or attend, I just tell my kid it's their birthday also and it gets me in a lot of trouble all the time. And now it's an ongoing joke.

For example, I have a friend whose kid was born the same day a year later than Macy, but they like to throw birthday parties. So that means every year Macy gets a birthday party. To the point where they even like relit the candles. They relit the candles this year, yeah. Actually, they had a separate cake for Macy. I got to this birthday party and they had photos up of me and Macy and I was like, what the fuck's going on here?

I did think to myself, I should have gotten a cake for your kids. Sorry, I didn't. No, that's all right. They hate you now. But it was quite the trek and it was an early start. And I do want to say I really appreciate the effort that you put in. And you were serving beers. I did.

I was all about it. You were serving Stone and Wood. How could I forget? I know. How could I forget? That's okay. So today we are, of course, thanking Stone and Wood with a nice Pacific ale. May I?

Yeah, cheers. Can I have a little? Oh, beautiful. Byron Bay in a bottle, as they say. Ash, this delicious little drop is, of course, inspired by their home, Byron Bay, on the edge of the Pacific Ocean. They brew their golden hazy Pacific ale with all Australian barley, wheat, and, of course...

Galaxy hops. It wouldn't be a Pacific ale without the galaxy hops. I know, big tropical fruity blend. It's definitely my favourite drop. I think I've said that every single time. So, of course, you can get it at all good bottle shops and select hotels and bars where it's actually on tap, which is delightful.

As well as select three-year-old birthday parties. Yes. At 9am in North Bondi. So, Stoner Wood, thank you for partnering with the podcast and thank you for providing the goods for Lola's birthday party as well for some of the dads and mums there. And can I just say, organising birthday parties for kids, it was a nightmare.

It fucking sucks. It's no fun. I wouldn't know, but everyone tells me it's no fun. When you were driving over, did you get caught in the rain? Fuck, it was windy. Oh, God. And April was like, you know what, April's like with wind. She's like, she hates wind.

I didn't know she felt that way about wind. Because she never wears her hair up or it's just like hair across her face. Well, she's only got herself to blame then, doesn't she? Shave it off. I'm sick of finding the hair everywhere anyway. I was loading up the car at like 7 30 in the morning we had like the presents and we had some decorations and a cake it was piercing down with rain so i'm getting drenched also trying to make sure that the

cake is not getting wet also you know i'm i'm getting a little bit frustrated i'm like oh this rain is a fucking nightmare and then lola's like are people gonna come to my party yes and i'm like, oh, this rain is like a nightmare. And then Lola's like, are people going to come to my party? And I'm like, that's right. No. But also there's a little community hall in Bondi and you pay a couple hundred bucks. How good. It has like a little kitchenette, has a playground. It's great.

So you bring in your own food and drink. Stone and wood, thank you very much. I don't know if you saw any of the food ash that we had i did i had a couple of ham and cheese croissants okay did you see the fruit salad that we had there macy saw it do you remember it at all get have a guess have a wild guess how much that fruit salad cost me have a wild guess 100 bucks 82 dollars fuck off 82 for a platter of fruit for a few grapes. Cost of living.

And some watermelon. And then in that moment, I'm looking, like everyone's having a beautiful time at the party and I'm just standing there. Covered in flowers. Hunched over, still wet from packing the car up, looking at this fruit salad going, that cost me $82. How did a fruit salad cost you $82? You tell me.

Cost of living, eh? Yeah. It's a very expensive exercise, but also- So many flies on that fruit salad too, because it was like once the sun came out, it was quite humid and the flies were like- It was a nightmare. It was a nightmare. Macy enjoyed it.

Can I give you some advice that when you do throw a birthday party for Oscar- We're not, yep. When it happens, when he turns 18 and the time comes, the one bit of advice that I would give is that not to let your child have all the presents in one go. You have to like ration the presents because it's too much. It's too much for a blind individual. Yeah, yeah, over the day or just over its life?

So I've been now drip feeding the presents to Lola. Oh. Kind of like one a day. If she's really well behaved, I'll give her one. If she's naughty, no presents. But you're setting yourself up to fail there. Because when you run out, she's going to be doing all these good things and then not accepting anything.

Back to hating you. No, well, by the time she opens the last one, she's got this endless supply of presents. Well, that was the plan. You know it doesn't last long. They get over things. Well, they also, I didn't account for the fact that marley is very manipulative manipulative they're at that age now yeah she's she's can i be oscar do you know what she did what she did

you know we were working late the other day so we had a babysitter oh yeah and she messaged me and she goes um just want to flag something in front room, there's a pile of presents. And Marley's just told me that she's allowed to open all of them. I call her up and I'm like, put Marley on the phone right now. Oh, no. And I'm like, Marley, what have you just said? Nothing. She's like, that I can open up all the presents?

And I'm like like fuck you can't you're gonna factor in the fact that your kids are gonna try and get away with murder oh yeah i mean marley and oscar are at the same age and marley's got her own big girl bed oscar's got his big boy bed How many nights a week do you think Marley would come into your bed in the middle of the night? She's actually stopped it. She used to do it every single night. She would wake up in the middle of the evening,

always around about 1 or 2 o'clock. She would come in for a snuggle. And since we put Marley and Lola together, definitely not as much, but every second or third night she's in the in the bed with us second or third night that's pretty good oscar's uh in this phase where he cannot spend a whole night in his bed as much as i tell him as much as i bribe him as much as i threaten him he started like coming in and having to get in and onto april side and waking april up like not like a sneak in kept doing that kept doing that and kept doing that.

And I'm like, don't come into our room. And then eventually we couldn't stop him doing that. Do you sleep naked? No, you asked me this the other day. That's right. You have clothes on. Yeah. Do any parents sleep naked out there?

Yeah, text in. Actually, send us a photo. Actually, that was just on a side note. That was one of the most disappointing parts of having kids is the fact that I could no longer sleep naked. Yeah, because you don't want Marley coming in the middle of the night when you had an erection. Yes.

Whoopsie-daisy. So I kept saying, stop coming in. I was like, I'm going to throw this toy in the bin. I'm going to throw that toy in the bin. And he would just be like, oh, yeah, okay. But he just kept doing it and kept getting away with it. Do you like the snuggle though? I don't mind it sometimes. So we were like, okay, yeah, okay. But he just kept doing it and kept getting away with it. Do you like the snuggle though? I don't mind it sometimes.

So we were like, okay, we can't stop him because he just, we're asleep. I can't physically pin him down because it just wakes Macy up. And he knows that. He knows that if I go get out, he'll melt down, wake Macy up. He'll get yelled at, but he can cop that, you know, for a chance to sleep in bed with mum. Not me. I'm getting kicked to the other end.

Anyway, so we were like, okay, well, all right, Oscar, try to sleep in your bed. Reward him if he does it for X amount of nights in a row. What do you give him? Oh, it's usually like a kinder surprise or something. It's like if you can do it two or three nights in a row try and get him back into the habit of not get waking up because he's obviously waking up in the middle of night and coming in every around a similar time every night and we're like okay so you can come in okay if you really want to but you don't get a kinder

surprise we start again and he was like okay yeah he wants a kinder surprise loves that shit as they do didn't last one night. But we were like, but if you're going to come in, you sneak in and you don't wake mummy and daddy up, okay? You just get in and you lie down and don't whinge if we're not cuddling you, you're in the bed. Seems like a really good solution. I feel like he would forget those instructions. No, he didn't.

He took it too far where he was way too sneaky that he thought to sneak in and then still wake me up so he'd sneak into my side right get real close into my face and go that and i'd wake up and there was a person's face in the middle of the night and i'd be like oh shit i'm being robbed i know yeah literally there was one time oh he was grabbing hold of my foot and I looked down and there's a human figure at the end of the bed and I was like, fuck, are you doing? Anyway, then I had to tell him to stop doing that. I was like, just crawl in. So now what he does is-

Well, hang on a second. You're making it very confusing. I know, I know, I know. Oscar's like, yep, job understood. I'll sneak in. And now you're like, crawl in on all fours. I was like crawl in, but don't like crawl. It's a big enough bed.

For every meter you make, only take four breaths. Yeah, exactly right. Hold your breath on the way in. April sleeps like a dead person. So she doesn't move. She is the sort of person that can get into bed, put the doona over her. And that's her. Go to sleep, wake up, wake off, wake off, wake up.

Fuck! Wake up. We're having a hard time at home, okay? Wake up, get out of the bed and be able to just put the doona back and the bed can be completely back crisp. She must look great in the morning then. No, she looks terrible. I said she sleeps like a dead person.

She also looks like a dead person. April, we know you're listening to this episode. As you do all episodes. You look beautiful whenever I come over. Okay, man. Keep it in your pants. Anyway, so I've said sneak in. So he started to do this thing where he would get on to the bottom of the bed

in the middle and fall asleep like the dog, like a dog. And then I was kicking him. On purpose or? No, accidentally because he's down the bottom. So he started doing that and then I was like, come further up. So the next couple of nights he slowly moved a little bit further up. So he's in the middle of the bed and I'm like, it's a little bit better. But then he was going, he was turning on an angle

and kicking me way more and he was going he was turning on an angle and kicking me way more and he was like sleeping in the wrong direction i woke up i was asleep the other night and i hear this crunching he's gone downstairs got the nutrigrain box middle of the night got into bed and just started eating the dry nutrigrain at like 2 o'clock in the morning. And I was like, what the fuck are you doing? Is he watching his phone as well at the same time? No, no. He's just sitting there staring at the ceiling like a psychopath. Mate, he's getting ready for the day.

Bro, it's like 12 o'clock at night. It was like 1 a.m. or something. That's the dream. And I was like, what are you doing? And he goes, I didn't wake you up. I was like, fuck, dude. Like And he goes, I didn't wake you up. I was like, fuck, dude. Like, seriously, go back to your bed. And then he keeps bringing things in.

You need to stop giving him such confusing, conflicting instructions. That's a fair call. That's a fair call. He's doing exactly what you want him to do. He's banned from the bed now. Poor little Oscar. So anyone else who has any solutions on that, that'd be really good. If anyone has any issues with flies in the household,

I'm going to show you something that I've just purchased. Not another tennis racket. There's a fly! Right on cue. Right on cue. Right on cue. It flies in. Finally, we're in charge.

I have that fly trained for this segment right now. I know. Every episode we record, there's a fly or a mosquito. I'm going to show you what I've purchased. Okay, go. And for anyone who's missed some previous episodes, I had like an electric fly swatter, an insect swatter, like a racket. You're going to hate this because you don't like guns.

I'm against guns. Laura is also against guns in the household, but... Okay. I actually like how you like that. I don't like guns, but I like the look of that. Listen to this. That's serious stuff. What does it say?

Do not shoot in face or eyes. Don't tell me what to do. You can go, oh. This uses salt to kill the flies. I get a lot of flies in this household, Ash. All those fruit platters. I was like, enough's enough. So I've purchased this.

That's beautiful. It is amazing. It is amazing. I also think now that I've started killing the flies, once you kill one or two, it's loaded. Just be careful. I'm not going to shoot it. I'm not going to shoot it. Do you want the safety on or off?

Turn the safety on, please. Oh, jeez. It's not loaded. It's not loaded. A specific type of salt? So I've used Himalayan pink salt. Holy shit. Yeah.

It actually does quite hurt. This is where I'm confused. It's like a shotgun but with salt. So you kind of aim it towards a fly and like one of the little pellets, it comes out of salt, comes out so fast that it just like tears the fly to bits. Okay, but this is what I'm confused about. Go on. That's so small And a fly is so small

Why wouldn't you make it On a bigger scale And really blast that Motherfucker out Like a Like Laura hates it Because it has

Like Leaves salt All around the house Was that to That to shoot salt out then Do you want me to shoot you Thought you'd never ask I can shoot you

Shoot my hand Okay It's gonna hurt A little bit Okay Are you ready? Maybe close your eyes. Close your eyes.

No, I want to see what's going to happen. I want to... Close your eyes. Good. Close your eyes. No. No. Ow.

It's like when you're at the beach and a big gust of wind comes and sands like... Do you want to shoot me? Yes. Ready? Yeah. Ready? Yep. I like it. I don't usually like guns. When I'm home alone during the week,

I patrol up and down my house. How many wank breaks do you get when you do that job? But, dude, I fucking love it, and I've got a taste for death now. Beautiful. There was one fly that I was hunting for at least half an hour. Oh, that fly. Where is it? On the window.

Get it. How could you miss that? Go, son. All right. No one's perfect. Okay, all right. But, yeah, if you have any issues with flies at home, fly swatter's good. Gun, even better. Even better But yeah, if you have any issues with flies at home, fly swatter's good.

Gun, even better. Even better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of my favorite movies as a kid was Rambo. And as soon as I have that gun in my hands, it's just like- I'm going to get you the full outfit. But I can only fire it when the kids are in bed or not here. Yeah.

Except now, if the kids spot a fly, they're like, dad, kill it. If I got that, Oscar would be like, get the gun out, Dad. He's already like. No, you'd be like, get out of my fucking bed. Just shoot him. I said get out. He does this thing where he just walks around the house spotting spiders and he's like, get the vacuum.

Yeah. Matt, as you may know, we are coming into March. You know what that means? Oh, I don't know. Before you get there, footy season is back, baby. Ah, yes, of course. Yes, every game of every round this NRL and AFL season, live with no ad breaks in play on KO.

But the most exciting part is round one of the NRL season will be played in none other than Las Vegas for four teams. Yes, the first game, Manly versus the South Sydney Rabbitohs, Matt. And I'm born in Manly Hospital, so I am looking forward to that one. Question, do you think they'll win? Yes. With Luke Brooks on the team? Yes, come over from the Tigers.

Finally, he's come over to a team that wins some of the time instead of none of the time. I'm very excited to see the beautiful Brisbane Broncos. Let's just hope they can close a game out this year. We all know from the back end of last year. Let's not talk about the grand final where we lost in the last 10 minutes. Yeah. Not that I've spent many nights crying myself to sleep over that game,

but they are taking on the Roosters. And it's a tough one for me because I live in Bondi, should be supporting Roosters, but originally from Brisbane, they are my team. So let's go Brisbane. But the exciting part is, have a guess, who has just gotten a job working with KO over in Vegas? It's us.

I can't believe it either, but they're flying us over. And we may or may not be on the broadcast, but if you would like to try and watch us, the only place to watch both games of the Las Vegas opening doubleheader live is Fox League available on KO. Yes, and this season you'll be able to watch selected NRL, AFL, plus every F1 race in 4K. The good news is if you're new to KO, get on board and start your free trial today.

And you can also watch the escapades of myself and Ash whilst we're over in Vegas on our socials as well as KOs. I wanted to ask you if the girls had any allergies. They don't have any allergies. I don't have any allergies. Although for a while, I did think i claimed to have an allergy and at my school in primary school it must be like year four or year five you know sometimes kids just get really fascinated on a topic and i think a kid started in our school in our grade who had an allergy and so everyone kind of started asking

each other what's your allergy what's your allergy and What's your allergy? And I was like, oh. I need one. I don't know if I have one. You must have an allergy. So I went to my mum and I said, mum, do I have an allergy? And I now realise she didn't hear me and she said, hay? And I was like, wow. I'm allergic to hay.

Clever. And so for ages we'd go on like a field trip to like a farm or something and I was like, I can't come. We're going to hay land. I don't know what happens. Sounds like a nightmare. Some kids just like, yep, I'm allergic to bees. And this one's like, I can't eat another dining.

Like if a straw of hay gets anywhere near me, I'm toast. Why do you ask? So I found out the other day that April's friend's child has a weird allergy. I thought it was weird. I haven't done any more research on it. And those of you who are listening out there. When you say any more, have you done any research or? Yeah, my research was like, what happens?

On TikTok and you're like. I thought it was very weird. I thought it was strange. They've got three kids, this family, and they bought two guinea pigs, okay, for the kids as pets. Live in a cage. Plenty of time for guinea pigs. I grew up with guinea pigs myself.

Look, I think just get a little pet. Big guinea pig kind of guy. No, I'm not into it. Also delicious. Continue. That's what I want to hear. And I was like, why the fuck would you buy guinea pigs? Hang on a second

Guinea pigs are a fucking great pet This is not They're a great pet I don't need you to justify guinea pigs as being great pets It's just get a normal pet If you were to throw that kind of shade on guinea pigs Who are, I would say, top three pet They'd give you a ringworm, wouldn't they?

Not me Can we fact check that? Not me I'm just fact check that? Not me. I'm just saying for people. And like I said, delicious. It's like the equivalent of getting a pigeon. Also fantastic.

For a pet. But she was like, he really wanted a lizard. I was like, no lizard's weird. You're setting that kid up To be Some weird kid That has Gerbils and lizards Snakes

Yeah Next he'd be wearing The skin of other people You just don't know And I was like Why didn't you get a normal pet And she was like Like what

I was like a dog And she was like We couldn't get a dog Because He's allergic to Dog saliva I was like But hang on a minute I was like, we couldn't get a dog because he's allergic to dog saliva. I was like, but hang on a minute. I was like, allergic to dogs or dog saliva?

Yeah, it's very specific. Can pat a dog, can touch a dog. But if the dog licks the kid. If the dog licks the kid, just breaks out in this horrific rash. And I was like, that's so weirdly specific. Yeah. And I was, now you know why I thought this was weird. You're looking at me like you've never heard this before.

That's fucking wild. That's just, and I was like, how did you find that out? You're like, I was like, any particular breed? I don't know why I asked that question. It's like. But also, maybe it's harder as a kid. Like how often often you like transferring saliva with a dog i mean that's what you're into get the peanut butter out let's find out

weird right strange very strange and also it's unfortunate I do want to ask out there, and I'm going to regret this. Please send in your kids' weird allergies. Or even like your own weird allergy as well. Are your kids allergic to anything? No, no. Nothing at all? I was going to say, well, isn't Lola allergic to you? But I thought that was a bit of a low blow.

How fucking dare you? How dare you? Low blow. I'm at a point in my life where I'm struggling more than ever before. And you're kicking me when I'm down. No one cares. Okay. I love how like you wanted to say it.

I didn't. But you said it with so much caution. You're like. Get out. Is it time for Meltdown? It is time for Meltdown. It's the final meltdown The final meltdown Okay, so Matt, as you know, this segment is a segment where we read out

people who have submitted their children's ridiculous tantrums from not being able to pull a hoodie over their head on a jumper that doesn't have a hood. And if you want to have your tantrum submitted and have it read out by two average dads. With dyslexia. It needs to, yeah, both of whom cannot read. I can't read. Keep them short and sharp. I was trying to read this one I want to read out to you and it took me like four goes to read it.

It needs to be no more than 20 words. Otherwise, it's not making it on the podcast. We have to get an expert in to read it. But the more outlandish, the more unreasonable, the better. I wonder if your kids have had this meltdown. This one comes from someone who says that every time my partner gets a beer out of the fridge, our two-and-a-half-year-old has a massive meltdown because he can't have one as well.

Now, I know that you get drunk with Oscar. I mean, Oscar, hitting the piss all the time. No. Does he ever like, does he want to get in on the action? Is he ever like, Dad, I want one? No, because we've taught him that everything that comes out of a can is spicy but he does this thing where now that he thinks everything that is in a can is a beer so the other day i was on the phone in the car and i cracked open a can of um like energy drink and he's like dad you can't drink while

you drive and like someone on the phone was like excuse me and i was like shut up just one um but yeah that's a good one i like it i got a long one and please please bear with me while i try and read through this we did give it a warning that we're both dyslexic hey boys this comes from jessica on the email i'm really nervous now i don't take a big breath you You got this. I believe in you. Hey, boys. Hey, boys. Was listening to the pod this morning and had a flashback of my now four and a half year old from when I was pregnant with his sister. Stick with me.

Yeah. Yeah. You with me? Everybody at home with me? As- You're doing so well. I know. You're doing so well.

As we all know,'re doing so well as we all know they are so many questions and that particular day he asked if his sister was going to come out of my bum

still stick with me obviously human anatomy wasn't his strong point so I saw it fit to inform him that no

his sister was going to come out of my vagina or through my tummy if I get a chicken Caesar salad. Caesarian. That's what I like to call it. Love that. Don't joke.

He then cried and threw himself on the ground because he wanted her to come out of my bum. Thank you, Jess, for that one. And I got through it. Very, can I just say, very well read, Ash. Thank you very much. one And I got through it Very Can I just say Yay Very well read Ash Thank you very much That was good from you I do have a

Just a real quick one here Okay And it feels weird On this episode Especially coming from The last episode Which was nothing but shit This one has had

No shit So I thought Let's just put in some shit It wouldn't be an episode Without shit I know right now Everyone on this thing Is thinking like

When are they going to Talk about shit I know you're like When's Ash going thinking like, when are they going to talk about shit? I know you're like, when's Ash going to shoot himself? When's Ash going to shoot himself? Not today. Not yet. We still have a few minutes left. We still have a few minutes to go.

Okay, so this one is from Donna. Donna. No, it's not. I'm lying. This one is from Natasha. I see the confusion. Oh, God, we're so dyslexic. Similar spelling. I get it

Names get me, I can't do names Natasha, Vinco You said that like it was a greeting? Vinco Guys, I've got a toddler meltdown story for you My newest meltdown is when I change my daughter's poo, nappies After I've changed nappy and it's rolled up and ready for the bin she'll say hey i want to see it and i can't unwrap the if anyone is not aware you got

to like you know tightly wrap that oh yeah otherwise it just stinks and she has a huge meltdown when i won't let her inspect her own poo. But Oscar does this thing where he wants to inspect Macy's poo and if I don't let him, he has a meltdown too. He's like, give us a look. I'm like, no. He's like, what? It's like half the size of him.

Oh, yeah. It's like, bro, it looks like you're the size of your leg. The shit she pushes out. Should we do some questions now? Let's do some questions. Ash, let's do some questions. Would you like to go first? I would, actually.

I thought you'd never ask. This one is from Donna. That's why I got confused. Vinko. Yeah. Donna, Vinko to you. Also, I do want to say Donna, very active on the Instagram. I thought you were going to say she's a very active person.

She loves to run, loves to run, loves to comment. I do want to say a few times she's commented and had no reply from us. She's got some fit fingers. And for those instances, I want to say I'm sorry, but she sent through this question and I said, what better time than now to answer it? So she says, for Lola and Macy, are they both still in cots? And when are you moving them to beds?

My 19-month-old is starting to look like she's going to make a break for it from her cot very, very soon. She loves to climb. When are you guys going to swap your kids' cots for beds? So Macy's in a cot still. How old's Macy again? Just a bit over two. She'll be in there forever.

It's just one less thing I've got to worry about. I've already got one. As you told me the story earlier I told in this episode, I've got one. Imagine if they both were mobile. She's also in a cot and still in a sleep suit. So she can't climb unless she develops some really strong upper body muscles and she can crawl out of there. Like the guy from Forrest Gump who's got no legs and he's like.

How old was Oscar when you put him in a bed? I think he was three. Three was big boy bed. And what was the, like, the milestone to put him in that bed? Do you remember? I think we had, it was the same kid with the dog saliva allergy who was moving into his big bed. So Oscar wanted to move into his big bed.

Hang on, why are you using the saliva kid? Because they're mates and he's a little bit older. And he was like, he's moved into his big bed. So I guess we may as well. At three. We tagged onto the back of their family three-year-old achievement into a big boy bed. So they do most of our parenting.

And how did he go? I'm trying to remember. It's tough at the start because obviously the kids, they roll around so much in their sleep and all of a sudden when you don't have them confined in, I would often go to check on Marley and she'd just be like on the ground like in the middle of the room. Yeah. Thankfully we have like a little gate, like in the middle of the room. Yeah. Thankfully we have like a little gate that stops him from rolling out.

Right. Because he's not like my wife is a dead body. He's like me. He flips and flails around. He's fallen out the bottom of the bed. Remember I told that story. That's the only time he's fallen out of bed. He's somehow made his way to the bottom.

Macy's quite content. She hasn't tried to get out. She doesn't really. And that's the absolute dream. That's the dream. That's the dream. Mar hasn't tried to get out. She doesn't really. And that's the absolute dream. That's the dream. That's the dream. Marley was such a climber. Lola, she's just too big.

She's a chia. She just doesn't have. Her head's too big. She can barely walk around and not topple over. But with Marley, she loved to climb. Like she was very, like she was up and out of her cot from a really early early age. I remember one time she was kind of at the cusp of losing her midday nap, like the 12 o'clock nap, which is an awful time because that is such a beautiful moment of reprieve as a parent.

I quit after. When Maisie doesn't do midday naps anymore, I'm out. It sucks. I need it. It sucks. But we put Marley to sleep and she was taking a while to get down. Come here, go to sleep. She's out. I just shut the door. Shut the door and she screams and I'm like, no, I'm not going in there. Like, I know that she's screaming.

She wants me to come in. But if I go in, then it's going to take even longer to try and settle her again. And she was yelling out, I'm sleeping. And I'm like, yeah, I know you're sleeping. That's the whole point. Yeah, that's what you're meant to be doing. And she kept yelling out, I'm sleeping. And I'm like, what is she doing in there?

And I was like, do I go in? She's trying to fool you. And I was like, I'm not going to go in because that's what she wants. Yep. After a little while, I don't remember exactly how long it was, after like repeated screams of, I'm sleeping, I thought I'm going to go in and just check on her. She wasn't saying I'm sleeping.

She was saying I'm slipping. All right. That's good. Next question. This one is from an anonymous. It says, what are your opinions on swearing in front of kids? Let's just break this up a little bit. Sure.

Because Jess here, also who's our new executive producer, everyone wave at Jess, she had a good point. It was like, I know you're swearing in front of your kids, but what about swearing in front of someone else's kids? So first of all, swearing in front of your kids, but what about swearing in front of someone else's kids? So first of all, swearing in front of your kids, what are your thoughts? You, not me. Do whatever I want. I used to be very opinionated on the topic, maybe because my sister,

they were very strict in their household with their kids. She was in my family of the siblings. She was the first to become a parent. And so I would watch how she would parent and be like, oh, I'll take note. What not to do. Yeah, literally. But she and their family, you can't burp. No burping.

I'd be out immediately. I'd be out. They'd be like, they gave birth to me. Hang on a second. That's like a key part of baby function is burping. Like you're So obviously Outside of being a newborn

My sister's there She's not smacking the newborn Being like that's enough Stop burping But if I go to their house And I burp in front of their kids The kids are like They can't believe that I've done it

That's way worse For development I reckon So then they're also Again I'm not an expert You can't swear If you swear in front of the kids Yes. For development, I reckon. So then they also- Again, I'm not an expert. You can't swear. If you swear in front of the kids, you have to do like five push-ups.

I think that's the rule. I'd be jacked. But I would try and not swear in front of the kids. But every now and then it slips out. I will point the finger at Laura, and she's been pretty bad lately swearing in front. I noticed she was really bad the other day yes the fucking c's coming out of her like left right and center also it was when it was raining both marley and lola like looked outside the window go oh shit the rains are here yeah yeah i'm like laura that's on you yeah but when we're in front of other kids we try and be well behaved well i do anyway

you don't mind to swear when i was saying that i dropped i reckon four f-bombs in front and at oscar today not at directly at him i was like fucking hell bro like well in passing he never repeats me he only ever repeats april and i told you about the time. I think I've told everyone when we were in Fiji. Oh, yes. He got the pool noodle and he put the pool noodle up onto the pool at the public pool in front of everyone and just went, for fuck's sake, into the – because that's April's go-to complaint. I guess in your defence, I think because it's a word

that he would hear so often. Out of me. Yeah, it's a word that he would hear so often. Out of me. Yeah, it's not a unique word. It's not like, you know, when I think kids hear it, like the first time they've heard that word, they're like, well, that's an interesting one. And when they know that they can't repeat the word. It's way worse.

Whereas you're better off just smothering them in swear words. Because I was in a family too where they never swore, but it wasn't, my parents were really good. It was like when I was growing up, it was like I just didn't know the words, right? It wasn't like, oh, they're naughty words to say until I went to like a primary school and found out they were naughty words to say and I told a teacher to fuck off. And dad was like, just don't say it. But then I didn't hear my dad say the F word until I was 12.

And I was like, fuck it. It's a bit like, you know, some households in the pantry, they have heaps of snacks and sugary treats and you can go in there whenever you want and just, and dig in. And they're the kids who are like, oh, like no big deal. I'm not really that fast about getting sweets because I have it all the time. Whereas the kids that have no sugar at all, once they get a taste of that little bit of sugar, they turn into addicts.

Yeah, totally. You're better off just letting them experience. Full disclosure, you're not better off coming from us. Maybe just whatever you want to do. But like swearing in front of other kids. Your guard is up. You're talking to a guy who told a kid to fuck off. Me?

I told you that story. No, me. You did. Yes, sorry. I was like, hang on a second. You did. So look, that was an accident. And they happen.

And they happen. But look, I'll try. If they're not my kids around, I'll try and mind my tongue as best as possible. But when it comes to my kids, I don't care. I don't really care if they want to my kids around i'll try and mind my tongue is as best as possible but when it comes to my kids i don't care if they don't really care if they want to say the f word as long as it's funny done in context and not at like if someone's if my oscars like to say hey maddie jenny maddie jenny maddie jenny maddie j fuck you and i'm like not on that's not good but if he was like oh fuck i was like whatever i also i will take the opportunity to say that I was very impressed

that you didn't swear at Lola's birthday as well, which I really appreciate. That you know of. No. So, yeah, look, whatever. I'm not that strict about it. And I agree with your sentiment where it's like if you hide it from them and it slips out every now and then,

then they're going to think it's like this forbidden thing to say. But if they start doing what I did and telling people to teach us to fuck off. That's also why Oscar currently smokes, vapes, and drinks nonstop. Yeah, he gambles like an absolute champion. I'm doing it to help him out in the long run. And on that note, let's get out of here. Let's wrap it up, yes. Let's get out of here let's wrap it up yes thank you you gotta go i'm hungry um hi hungry i'm dad yes oh my god if you've enjoyed this

episode we would love it if you would send it on to anyone out there parents non-parents anyone who would benefit from two guys who don't know what they're doing really in the world of parenting trying their best yes trying our Trying our best. And also, also, I have to say, we never beg. We just ask politely if you would give us a review,

subscribe, maybe a few words. I haven't read them lately. What do they like? They'd be lovely. They've been really good. I just read the ones that... We haven't had any comments that say...

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We would love a positive one. And we'll see you guys next week. Yes. See you guys tomorrow. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.

This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.