Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #53 Weasel is on the loose, parenting stamina and moldy mattresses

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

Matt and Ash are back on home soil after a week in Vegas and missing the kids.  Matt shares his experience watching The Weasel (AKA Ash) on full display in Las Vegas. When he finally gets home and returns to the game of parenting, his sweet children test his form and throw him several curveballs.  Ash takes the title of The Weasel seriously whilst in Vegas and makes some of the greatest weasel moves known to man. Unlike Matt, he doesn't return to his kids but a pitstop on the south coast.  We share your best Toddler Meltdown stories and have a crack at answering your listener questions:  Who is the better parent – Matt or Ash? What is your favourite go-to bedtime kid's book? Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  Email: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

It has been a little rough morning. For you? Yeah. Why? I hit myself in the nuts. With what? With my fist. On purpose?

No. No, no, no. I was making the bed and I... Oh, the fitted sheet. I pulled the sheet and my hand slipped and I just went poof. Mmm. Poof. That was a great start.

Did it floor you? Were you on the... Oh, yeah. Hands and knees? Yeah. Oscar's standing over me. Is that all it takes? Welcome back to Two Doting Dads.

I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast that is all about the parenting. The parenting. It's the good, the bad. And the relatable. And if you have come wanting any type of advice, we have to tell you that unfortunately Ash and I are far too dumb to give any.

It doesn't happen. Did you finish school? Which one of them are you referring to? You didn't finish grade 12, did you? No, no. They wouldn't let me. No. They say that you've got to be asked back.

Didn't get asked back. What do you mean asked back? At what point do they say, hey, come back? 11 and 12. 11 and 12, they're like. Hang on. They don't ask people to come back. At the end of grade 10, you're waiting there for your invite?

Yeah, literally, that's what it was. And then my mum, I didn't get asked back. Mum was like, I'll see about that. And then she got me back in and then I was like, I'm not going back. I didn't get asked back. I'm too smart. You are too smart. I'm a genius.

The only thing I really missed was like the social aspect of it. I can't say I'm too surprised. I bet the teachers though, day one of grade 11, they were like, please don't come, please don't come, please don't come. And they're like, Ashwix is not returning. Yes. Rejoice. Rejoice.

Should we have a beer? We should have a beer. Cheers. We're back. We're back from Vegas. Thank you very much. Oh, yeah, that's delicious. As we do with every episode, man, we drink a beer.

And it happens to be, shocker, a stone and wood. You've got the OG. I've got the lager. You do, yeah. I've got what they call the flagship. They do have an array of beers. They just simply brew good drinking beer. The Hazy, which was only a limited release, it has come back.

It's a full timer now in the range. I saw that. Exciting. I've got the Lager. It is named after the hinterland that rolls into the ocean, the Green Coast Lager, and it's brewed with a blend of the finest malt, the finest malt, and noble hops. Beautiful malts.

Also, they do a cloudy pale ale if you want something a bit more kick, a bit more flavour. I would say the cloudy pale ale for me is my night beer. This is my day beer. That's my breakfast beer. Can I put you on the spot here, Ash? Yeah. I'm going to quiz you.

Quiz away, my friend. When do you think Stonerwood was founded? Oh, shit. Riddle me this. It was in the 2000s. It was in 2015. Wrong. Whoa.

2017. Early 2008, three blokes got together and they took over a soft drink factory in Byron Bay's industrial estate. Wow. And their first beer was a Pacific Ale, but it was called something else. What was it called? Draft Ale. Draft Ale.

But the Draft Ale, Ash, was renamed Pacific Ale in November 2010. Yes. For those playing at home. Yes. There you go. For those playing at home. Yes, from the home, Byron Bay on the Pacific Ocean where the hinterland meets the sea. It is Byron in a Bottle. Cheers to that. Cheers to that.

There we go. So, yes, we are back from Vegas. We are home. We have returned to the motherland returned to the motherland and we were quite happy to get the hell out of town that was i'd had enough it was a long trip was it seven sleeps eight sleeps well six sleeps if you yeah factor in the nights out we had i only had like three sleeps realistically i had one sleep in the middle for 16 hours. Yeah.

I thought I lost you. People are coming to try and revive me. And one of the things from the trip in Vegas is that one of us got a nickname. Oh, me. That nickname is The Weasel. Oh, The Weasel. Weasel be Weaselin'. Have you always been called the weasel?

Is that just something new that's popped up? That's new. I have a friend that his nickname is actually Weezy, but that's for a different reason. He's got lung problems. He's got cancer. No. I think I'd just nickname myself the weasel because I like to weasel into things.

You had the ability to just get what you wanted. It didn't matter what it was. No task was too tough. I think it started, well, I think it was that night when there was a fan zone area. This is on the Thursday before the big game and we're in downtown Las Vegas. They have all the fans come to the stage where they present all the players, all the teams. They do a big welcome. Lots of NRL fans and lots of families had come over for the trip that I saw,

which is great. I'd love to see that. I was thinking, what are you guys doing here? I saw a family with like a four-year-old child and I was like, it's 9.30 and you're in downtown Las Vegas. Get to bed. They were just enjoying the festivities. The kids were loving it.

They were. But there was a presentation on the main stage. The teams all did a quick hello. And I was looking at you, Ash, and you had your eyes fixated. It was pinpointed onto the Stafford brothers. And it was a look that had pure determination in it. I'm a determined guy. And I thought, what's this guy up to?

What does he want here? Whatever I want. You said, I want to go on stage. I did. I had a KO football that I wanted to give away. And they said, yeah, however you want to do it. I said, do you know how I want to do it? I want to do it on stage. And they were like, well, can't help you with that. I said, do you know how I want to do it? I want to do it on stage.

And they were like, well, can't help you with that. I'm like, I don't need your help. Well, when you said I want to go on stage, it was like a child saying to his father, I want to go to space. I was like, oh, fuck, if that's what you want, good luck, kid. Good luck. And you walked over to the security guard, who was an American security guard.

He didn't know who you were and you just gave him a wink. That's all it took. Pretty much. And he opened the gate for you. Yep. I was straight in. You just gave him a nod. It did also help that someone from the NRL recognized who I was

and was like, come on up. You're that guy who puts the tea towel on the head. You're the guy. And then there we were, all of a sudden, up on stage, revving the crowd up until one maddie j stole the football from me i apologize i don't know what came over me and we teased it we teased it we hired it up they were pumped and then you've done a lovely punt what's it called when you um when you like almost make someone ejaculate and then you don't. Edging. Edging.

Not that I've done that before, but I was edging the crowd with the football. I was like, who wants it? Over here. Over here. Over here. And people were like, just give us the ball. Fucking hell. And then you punted it out there beautifully. The weasel.

The weasel has been birthed. It's the beginning of the weasel. And then from that moment on, the weasel just got hungrier and hungrier. He wanted more. He was no longer satisfied with just being an everyday punter going to the football. At one point, we were in a nightclub and I was like, film the stage. Oh, yeah. I came back like two minutes later and I'm like, no, no, go.

And then the next day you were like, why have I got a video on my phone of just me filming the stage? I was like, because I was meant to be on it. Did you ask anyone to get up there? Yeah. I was like, can I go to the stage? They were like, get out of here. I was like, okay, big man.

See you. On the Saturday where the game was being played, being your beloved Manly Sea Eagles, Ash, versus the South Sydney Rabbitohs. And before that game had started, we managed to get into a very special area within the stadium. We had pretty good tickets. And the different thing about the stadium in Las Vegas,

I don't know if it's the same as every stadium around the States, is that there's like an underground bar. Yeah, it's under the stands on ground level where the players come out. I'm assuming that they would be in the bigger stadiums over there. It's kind of like something they've implemented. It's pretty cool because we managed to – I followed the weasel. We got down there. We found a wristband that allowed us access to that bar.

Thank you to the weasel. But, yeah, it's unique in that as the players come out of the change rooms, you're there at the bar, but you're also in arm's length of the players. They're just shaking all their hands as they run back and forth. I mean, people are held back with a bollard and a rope. Not me. And I guess, I don't know if it because we people had seen us on that stage before on the fan zone area maybe they knew who we were but all of a sudden we kind of just had the ability well

you did anyway to do whatever we wanted to do whatever you wanted i was mate we were on the field walking around hyping the crowd up on the field they miked us up they followed us around with the camera we're were hyping up. They kicked a ball into the crowd. All of a sudden, everyone was there for us and not for the game. I don't know if you recall, Ash, there was a moment before the game had started. You were on the field and we were both standing there. We were just absorbing the atmosphere.

Oh, it was crazy. We were like sponges. Indoor stadium too. You just hear the vibration. Love it. It's an opportunity that you and I, like, I doubt whether it'll ever happen again. Let's face it, we shouldn't have been there. There was a moment where, as we were standing there, there was someone walking

over and couldn't quite see who it was because they were too far away, but he was being flanked by, I want to say, like six security guards. Like, I thought for a second it may have been the president. Imagine. It wasn't Joe Biden. Beautiful. Wasn't sure who it was. You still had the football in your hand.

And, you know, as we had learnt previously from the fan zone area, edging the crowd with the ball. It's a tease. It's a tease. It's a tease. So, you know, you looked at this guy coming over and you had the football in your hand and you're like, oh, I'll tease him with a football.

He had a look in his eyes like, I really want that guy to pass me a football. And so then after a few teases, you pass the ball over. He catches it. Everyone's having fun here. We're all having a good time. I kind of then realized who it was. I don't know if you did because as you came no

idea everyone stopped everyone stopped they looked at who this person was and you're still there like bouncing around having fun you're still in the mode of like pumping up the crowd yeah and as you came closer you said like hey let's get a photo. I was like, thanks for having us. Let's get a photo. You wrap your arm around him. Yeah, like in a headlock. You're like, come here, you little motherfucker, little rascal. I know, yeah. Not knowing who this was, obviously.

And then afterwards, everyone, there was silence. The whole stadium went silent. You could hear a pin drop. Yeah. And we look around and I knew who it was. You, my friend. You, my friend. He may as well have been the president.

He's essentially the president. His name is Lachlan Murdoch. Yeah, I have since learned it. He is arguably one of the most powerful media moguls in the entire world. He is the owner of Fox. And I only found this out after and Carl from KO, who we went with, was like, do you know who that is? I was like, nah.

And then the ball dropped and I was like, hmm, he's just a person. He is just a person who has immense power. Would you say I'm the only person who got a photo with him? 100%. Do we have that photo? Yeah, I think we'll put the photo on socials. I think right now his security team would be having a meeting being like, how was there a breach of such high risk?

He did have like because I remember I was like he was walking along the sideline. You could have stabbed him. He had a few people around him. I just thought they were his mates. Who happened to have black suits on, and I'm pretty sure they were carrying weapons. Oh, yeah, because we were in America.

I forgot that really quickly too. Get out of here, little rascal. Look. Well, can I also just say. I'm very opportunistic. Can I also just say, lastly, last bit of feedback on the weasel. After the trip had taken place. No.

There was an email sent by a certain somebody who is like, he is the head of Fox in Australia. In Australia, yeah. And it was a lovely email. I'm just going to like, hang on, let me just. Let me just read some of this. Yes. I didn't even read the email really.

There's roughly, there's 60 people who are also seeded. Have you seen who's in that too? Yes. It's the big dogs. Oops. Not sure how we got on that email list, but he's saying, along the lines of, I hope you're as proud as I am for what we did over there.

Every one of you deserves high praise for the professionalism, performance, and attitude that brought us together and allowed us to go the extra mile. The finest show of teamwork I can remember in our business. I'm taking credit for that though. Hang on. We're teammates forever

now. That's how these triumphs work. And thank you. So very well done. You are most welcome. I'm sure everyone got that message, read it, and it was lovely. They had a moment. It was a nice touch.

It was a lovely way to end the trip. One person replies. And it's a reply all. Yeah, baby. Who is it? Break the news. And it's a reply all. Yeah, baby. Who is it? Break the news. And it reads, no stress, my guy. Another day in the office.

Signed, The Weasel. Oh. The weasel. I just had to just put my final stamp on the whole trip and just to remind them who they're fucking dealing with. All right. I sent that yesterday in the car after chatting to you and I was in front of the kindy waiting to pick Oscar up, and I was fucking laughing my head off. And I was like, and then very promptly, the KO, the head of media for KO, sends me a screenshot of it going,

there's only one. There's only one bloke that would do this. A nice final sign off from the weasel if I do say so myself. If I ever get invited back to anything, you can thank me. Thank me later. Ash, now that Vegas is behind us, it is now a distant memory. I do want to say thank you to KO. Yes, of course. I want to say thank you to K.O. And how good was the NRL round one? So good to be back. Look, it is good to be back.

My heart bleeds for the fact that my beloved Broncos lost against the Roosters. It's now the last two games that I've been watching. They have lost. Yes. And it hurts. The NRL is a cruel mistress. Cruel mistress. It's the highest of highs.

The lowest of lows. The lowest of lows. Of course. So, Matt, round two of NRL is an absolute cracker. What do we have, my friend? Give it to me. We have the Sharks and the Bulldogs on Friday night, followed by an epic, and I mean epic, first for the year, too,

Super Saturday of three games back to back to back, all of which are exclusive to Fox League, available on KO. And, Ash, if that's not enough footy for you, we've got round one of the AFL Premiership season. Yes. I do just want to say really quickly, shout out to Maxi Gorn, good friend of the podcast, game one against the Swans. Didn't win.

Close match. Controversial, I heard. It was controversial. I kind of got smashed a bit by the Swans didn't win. Close match. Controversial, I heard. It was controversial. I kind of got smashed a bit by the Swans. But that's enough about Maxi Gorn and Essendon. We have, in fact, coming up, we've got Carlton versus Richmond. That's on Thursday. Essendon versus Hawthorne on Saturday.

And Geelong versus the Cats on Saturday. And I will just remind everyone that every game of every round is live and ad break free in play. Yes. And if you're new to KO, get on board and start your seven day free trial right now. And there was a point, I think it was like the second last day, I was getting a little bit homesick. I was getting videos from Laura of the girls. Yeah, me too.ura of the girls yeah me too and um not of your girls and i was i think it was the longest time i've been away from the kids

and and i was i was really missing them i got back and i didn't get to see my kids as tired as i was after 24 hours of commuting home from a seven-day trip in which sleep was minimal, other than that one day in the middle. I had to turn around and drive three hours south. I had to go MC a wedding in the south coast. So I didn't get to go and see my kids. They were both at Kindy when I got there. And I remember it being like I just want to stay here and wait for them to come home. That's the nicest thing I think I've heard you say.

I know. It is. It is. And that's the truth. That's the nicest thing I think I've heard you say. I know. It is. It is. And that's the truth. That's the truth. I'm not making it up for clout. The weasel wanted to see his litter. I want to see the little weaslets.

For want of a better phrase. I want to see the little weasels. The weasel children. But I couldn't. I had to take off again, drive three hours south to emcee a friend's wedding. Congratulations to Mitch and Keely if they are listening, which they probably not because they don't have kids. But, yes, I eventually, two days after that,

I did get to see my kids again, which was great. Macy sort of had to try and work out who I was, but when she came to. But it was Oscar was the one that was most excited to see me And not because it was me It's because, I don't know if you recall in the last episode I said if he's a good boy, he gets a present for America Did you get him a present? Well, that's what I mean

When would we have a chance to get anything? We were just like What did Oscar want? He wanted like a Ninja Turtle? He wanted a Ninja Turtle remote control skateboard It's a hard request to fulfill is it for who for whom do you think that might have been a hard request for uh i was reminded of this by my father-in-law who said oscar's been harping on about this present

that you're getting him because he's been a good boy i check with april he's been a good boy the whole time the kid deserves a reward i've forgotten and i was like fuck what am i gonna do what am i gonna do so i've gone to cayman and they had exactly what he wanted no shit were you going there based on hopes and dreams i knew they had had something similar to that i picked it up i went and picked Oscar up from Kitty and I've hidden the toy. And at first he was like so excited to see me, which I was like really excited to see him too. And the first thing he said to me is like, did you get me a present? I was like. Hang on, bro.

I was like, I haven't seen you in two weeks. What about me? You know, fill my cup up first. They've got such selective memories. Oh, yeah. You ask where they put the water bottle no idea where's your other shoot don't know but they're like 15 days ago at 3 30 p.m and i requested this exact toy in purple and you've forgotten it yeah where is it motherfucker

yeah i got it but it's in red sorry about that but like he i got in the car i was like oh did you miss me he was like yeah where have you been i was like oh i went to america and he goes oh did you go with maddie j i was like yeah he goes we just make silly videos i was like whoa beg your pardon do not make fun of your dad's work uh anyway got home go and he like once he had got the toy he'd realized that all of his dreams had been fulfilled and also that i was home and that's when i got my reward where he was like big cuddle you know wants to play with me with a cup being filled up which is really really nice i missed them more than i thought i would miss them uh april gave me a stern word to say that ash is saying that not with like a knife

against his neck that was off his own back i know she was like, because we listened to last week's episode, she was like, you could have said that you missed them all. I'm like, don't put words in my mouth. But also it is true. I'm just not very good at expressing my feelings. I like to suppress them. Like all good men. Far down and then deal with them later on.

My reunion with the kids didn't go as smooth as that. I have an inkling. So I... You were uncontactable for a few hours there. Yeah, it was rough. I was very excited to see the kids, but we had landed, got back at like 11 o'clock in the morning on a Tuesday. Being in transit for maybe, what was it, like 20-ish hours,

it was a long flight back. And I was also very keen to see the kids, Ash. Laura was out. She went to like a play. I did see that. I was like, as soon as you come home, she's out. Literally, she's like, see you. And so I had to go pick up the kids from daycare,

which I was very excited to do. For any non-parents out there, one of the most beautiful moments of the day is that split second where they see your face at daycare. They come running towards you, arms wide open, smile ear to ear. It's lovely. Yeah, totally. And that's exactly how it played out. But even it was more emotional than that.

Because it had been so long. They hadn't seen me, Ash. And Marley did a double take. She kind of looked over her shoulder. Who's this handsome man? Ran towards me. I embraced her. Lola's in the room next to her.

So Lola kind of heard the commotion with Marley. She came running out. I'm there like on the ground. My kids have tackled me. Nice. And it was a beautiful embrace it was everything i'd ever dreamt of for a moment from that moment on we got the bags went down to the car

and that's when it started kicked off that's when it started there was an old mattress that someone had thrown out that was like old it was like covered in mold it was like half broken springs were like rusted springs had pierced through the fabric and marley's like i want to jump on that oh and i was like well you can't jump on that because you know it's very first meltdown it's very dangerous and she's like ah get out looking out i look over lol is like beelined it for this busy road oh my god and so i'm grabbing her and i'm like you can't go on the road not by yourself and she's like get your fucking hands off me you're not my real dad i put lola in the car first and then marley flips out because she

wanted to go in the car first so they're both screaming i get them in the car they want to put a song on but one wants one song the other one's something else so i'm driving back just both kids full ball yelling screaming waterworks everything and i was like you're just booking flights back to vegas yeah fucking out of here kids get me back to vegas oh i know yeah right now and then it's i don't know if you found this parenting is like, it's like a sport, right? It's an extreme sport. And when you're playing it every single day, you know.

Muscle memory and you're in the zone. You're sort of like, you know, you're in form. In great form. One would say. In great form. Yeah. I'm like an athlete who stepped back on the field, coming back from Vegas after having-

An injury. Right? Everyone's now watching me being like, well, how's he going to perform? He's back. Does he still have what it takes? I don't. Nope.

It's going to take a few games. I'm not match fit. Dude, I was like- Just couldn't keep up I couldn't keep up dude And if they're melting down And it's like It's hard when one's melting down

But if they're both melting down About separate things How do you Somehow make them both happy In one foul sweep You can't Because then you're like How do I make this one happy

Make that one happy Then this one's upset Because you made this one happy So you make that one happy Then she's upset Because she's not this one happy? Make that one happy. Then this one's upset because you made this one happy, so you make that one happy. Then she's upset because she's happier than that one. It's fucked. It's just a nightmare. It flies back.

I know. I just saw it buzz past my – I tried to ignore it. I was like, maybe he won't see it. Normally, my routine, like the kids have had dinner. They're in the bath at like 6.30 and bed by 7. It was quarter to nine and I was still trying to get past her in Marley's mouth. At what point did you just give up? Oh, dude.

Laura messaged me being like, how are they? And I didn't want to say, this is a nightmare. I was like, yeah, they're good. Yeah, she just had to deal with it. We're getting there. We're getting there. But also, the thing that sucks about parenting is the guilt that you get afterwards.

Yeah, once you've yelled at them and sent them to bed. And you've like lost your temper like finally because, you know, it's two hours past the normal schedule and you're just like, get to bed. I know. You've been in commute for 24 hours and you come straight to that. Look, as much as I miss them and just going to the South Coast, I was also like, I'm going to get two nights sleep here

without them again. And I was like, this could actually work out for me. I will say there is something magical about being in a room. With no kids. It's the best. Especially like a room with blackout curtains. Oh, man. It's the best. Especially like a room with blackout curtains. Oh, man. 16 hours of bliss.

People without kids must be like, how is that possible? You're sleep debt. Your body was just like. Oh, you're so far behind. We're shutting down. You're like a grizzly bear going into hibernation. I know. I remember I was like going back to the hotel and I was like shivering

because I was so fragile. I was like, I just need to sleep. But look, I do feel for you. I was concerned but I thought he'll get game fit. I've come back. You've come back. I was like after a few days, now I'm back into the rhythm of parenting, I've like kind of understood now like how to communicate with my kids

because for a while there I was talking to them like I was talking to the weasel and it just – it wasn't working out. It wasn't working out. And like, man, I felt like such a shit parent because I didn't – You've got to learn again. I've lost my touch. You've got to relearn. You've got to relearn.

I was like back to square one. Yeah, the flashy lights of Vegas. You forget real quick. They wipe the memory. For sure. Now, on that, Matthew, should we go into tantrums? Please. Please. It's the final meltdown

The final meltdown Alright Matthew, this is one of our favourite segments And I hope you don't mind, I've got a couple of quick ones I want to rattle off Ash, I thought you'd never ask Okay, so I'll just rattle these ones off really quick Because I love a quick, short one because that's how you can't yes but also i can't read very well very goodly is that a word no but please continue carry on this one i didn't want to pull you up on that i was just i was nodding politely oh thank you i cannot read

goodly goodly good enough lee and that's why You should not take advice From either one of us Yes absolutely So this one's from Anna Comes through from our Instagram Two doting dads You can send it there Of course Or you can send it

Hello at Two doting dads dot com Now this one's from Anna It says I wouldn't let my Three and a half year old son Poop in the backyard He cried for over 20 minutes

My kids Absolutely love a bushwee. Bushwee. We've been over this. You've got great technique on the bushwee. Love a bushwee. That's now started to progress to bush shits. Nice.

I thought they were busters out there, but it turns out they're human poos. Those yellow patches. Lola, actually, she was like, I want to go for a bushwee. And when she's nude, as she often is, I'm like, get out there, open the door, let her do her thing. I don't need to hold her because she can just, like, stand wide-legged over the grass. And then I looked over and I just, like,

I could see, like, the poop coming out of her. And I was like, oh, my God. Such a great look, isn't it? The neighbors are like, oh, my God. If a great look, isn't it? The neighbours are like, get back inside. If they're happy, I'm not going to stop them. No, fair enough. That's good. I was like, Laura, can you just clean up Buster's poo?

It's outside. She's like, that smells very familiar to human feces. I started shitting out there. Oh, so now the whole family just shits outside. No meltdowns here. The second one I've got is from Kyra. Now, I like how she starts this because she says, this week's special.

So she's keeping tabs on what happens. Love that. Meltdown was because wasn't allowed to run onto the busy road. I've been there. Also, you might die. Picking up Lola and Marley from daycare. Oh, exactly. Just straight been there. You might die. Picking up Lola and Marley from daycare. Oh, exactly. Just straight out there.

There's like the 333 bus in Bondi like hurling down the road and Lola's like a kangaroo. She's like, let me go out there and hug it. You see, you definitely notice now. You know how like before you had kids and you hear about a kid getting hit by traffic and you're like, how could you let that happen to your kid? I know. I do.

I know exactly how. Oscar doesn't quite understand either. It's like, you know, if that car hits you, you're dead. They can't see you. You're too small. Yeah. Straight out. Nightmare.

Anyway, they're mine too. All right, Ash, this one is from Sarah. She says, this morning while cleaning up breakfast, I was putting the finished plates in the dishwasher like I do every single day. My two-year-old noticed I was doing this and just started to break down, yelling, crying, kicking the dishwasher, saying, my toast. But in fact, it was my empty plate. His was still on the table with his toast on it.

Then carrying on for what would have been about two minutes, he then finally realized that his plate was in fact on the table. He stood up. He stopped carrying on and he said, oh, fuck. Sorry, mom. They're aware of what they're doing is what I'm getting from that. Oops. Oops, I fucked up.

Sorry. From a two-year-old. Perfect. Let's get into questions. I do have a question for you, Matthew. Please. Could be quite controversial. The question is this.

Who is a better parent out of you two? That's a question that I couldn't possibly answer. I'm going to answer it. Go on. You. Thank you. It's pretty obvious. What makes you say that, my friend?

I don't know. I feel like you pay more attention to your children's emotions. I feel like you're more at one with them. I'm more like, what do you want from me? Yeah, yeah. I feel like I'm just trying to tread water all the time. I feel like it're more at one with them. I'm more like, what do you want from me? Yeah, yeah. I feel like I'm just trying to tread water all the time. I feel like it's a compliment. No, I would say, okay, I would argue actually here, Ash.

And also, can I just say, sorry, can I just say that's very kind of you. Thank you very much. Who's that? Fuck you. And that's all we have time for. We'll see you next week. I am a Cancerian. And for those of you who may not know the traits of a Cancerian,

I am very emotional. I'm quite an emotional man. Does this have something to do with the planets? I think so. I don't know. I don't know enough about astrology. I don't believe in it. But for some people, it's a blessing and a curse.

It helps me to understand the emotions of my children at times. You're the weasel. That's my star sign, the weasel. I'm like a... children at times. You're the weasel. That's my star sign, the weasel. I'm like a gazelle. Okay, yeah. I believe it. So we run the race at different paces.

We do. I'm more like I will tell you I've run the race when really I cheated. The weasel. I feel like you're being very tough on yourself ash as you often are i remember the first time i was at your house and i never really i hadn't seen you parent a lot of the times when we hang out together it's just you and me i actually don't have any kids i hadn't seen you with your kids. Based off the podcast and the way you talk about them, you could imagine that sometimes- Stop stalling and beating around.

It seems like you're not sharing your kids with affection. No, not often, no. Sometimes I get that kind of image. I don't know what the people think. The people. Who listen to this podcast,'t know what the people think. The people. Who listen to this podcast. Maybe they feel the same way.

But I remember the first time I was at your house, we finished recording. I packed up all the equipment and at the same time, Macy had just come through the front door and it was the most beautiful moment I think. Shut up. Don't fucking roll your eyes. Oh, this is painful. I know you hate it. I do. I know you shut up. Don't fucking roll your eyes. Oh, this is painful. I know you hate it.

I do. I know you hate it. Secretly, deep down, you enjoy it. But it was so nice to see you interacting with Macy. You were on the exact same level. She was so excited to see you. You spoke in the most beautiful baby tone. Did I?

Yeah, you were like, how was your day, baby? I was drunk. I was extremely drunk. Don't try and rub it off as the fact that you're an alcoholic. Undiagnosed. Thank you.

I know you don't like to admit it, but I know you love your kids. Oh, yeah. With every bone in your body. Of course I do. And they love you right back. Of course I do.

I just don't like to show it. You like to show it when no one else is listening, watching. Always looking over my shoulder. I can't escape it. And for a moment you had that little, I guess, it was a moment of weakness. It was. You forgot that I was in the room.

You kind of realized. You're like, give back to your fucking room. Eat your dinner. Mate, you are a great dad. Thank you. I just want to tell you that. And you also, you're doing a really great job. Thank you.

You too. You fucking hate. I'm hating this so much. I fucking hate this. Anyway, let's move on before I spew out. That's all I'm going to say on that topic. Let's move on before I cry. I was going to tear up then.

Okay. Still jet lagged. Jet lag will do crazy things to a man. It will. We start talking about star signs. Lockout. Do you have a question, Matthew? Oh, shit.

Yeah, sorry. We have time for a question. Oh, yeah. I'll ask you one quick question. Yeah. Ash, this is just a quick one here. It's from Steve. He's written in and he would like to know,

do you read to your kids and if so, do you enjoy it? April's big on the reading. She usually gets in for sort of part of the routine that has landed with her. When she's not there or not in the mood, for sure I'll do it, but it has to be a short book. I'm not reading Harry Potter. Because you can't read.

Yeah. They'll figure me out real quick. They'll be like. That's not the words, Dad. That's not the words. It's like, well, you fucking read it. I do. Look, they love it.

Especially like all the books are in their room. It's like, go and pick a book. And that's a moment where it can go either way. Yeah, exactly right. Especially after a long day of parenting. I know. A long day of parenting, the last thing you want to do is get stuck with one of those books. It's like you've got to figure out the riddle.

So when I ask my kids what book they want to read, I'm sitting there with bated breath and I'm like, for God's sake, please choose a good one. One of those four pages. Yeah. This is a good one. That's a great one. I've got the dinosaur. This is a good one. That's a great one. I've got the dinosaur is exactly the same. Genius. Yeah.

I might put that one front and center. Who's written this? Fiona Watt. Thank you, Fiona Watt. You absolute fucking genius. Written like a true tired parent. There's about seven words per page. Love that.

I still struggle. That's not my puppy. It's paused to do bumpy. But on the other end of the spectrum. Yeah. Love that. I still struggle. That's not my puppy. It's paused to do bumpy. But on the other end of the spectrum. Yeah. The Bible. The Bible. Dr. Zeus. Imagine if you just whipped out the encyclopedia.

Yeah, yeah. Drags it over. The dictionary. Look at that. Too hard. All the places you'll go, there's fun to be done. There are points to be scored. There are points to be scored. There are games to be played. And the magical things that you could do with that ball. You'll make the winningest winner of that ball.

It's too much. Too much. Too much. I can appreciate the man was a genius, but when it's 7.30 at night and you've got two toddlers. Not the book. Dr. Seuss is your enemy. To the listeners out there who have kids, what is your favorite kids' book that is your go-to at bedtime?

Because everyone's got their go-to, right? Like I know April would. I don't know what it is. Maybe we should ask her. We will when I get home. But, yeah, the kids always grab a couple and I'm like, yeah, you can hold that one but I'll read this one. Needs to be not too long, not too short.

Spot. Bit of humor in there. Pepper and a bit of humor in there. Pepper and a bit of humor. A lot of times because I can't read that well, I'll just make up the story real quick. Like the other day they bring a big book, just skip like 15 pages.

Oh, yeah, dude. The end. Off to bed. Except when it's one that they know and they kind of pull you up and like, hang on a second, you miss a part where the bird gets hit by the ball. You're like, damn it, they're good. Yeah, but it's a different day. You got hit by the ball that day. damn it they're good yeah but it's a different day you got hit by the ball that day today hit by a car very different now he's dead books in the bin it's over and on that note that's all we have time for yes if you've

enjoyed this episode or any episode of two doting dads we would love it if you would send it to a friend anyone who would benefit from two idiots having a laugh talking about the trials and tribulations of parenting. Yes, please leave a review. Five stars. And if you want to email us, you can email us. Send us anything you want. I don't really mind what it is.

Any question, any tantrum? Hello at twododdydads.com. Ooh, Ash, one more thing. We have forgotten. I don't know. Us forget something? No. Never.

I don't know if anyone's still on Facebook. I know my mum is. Shout out to your mum, my mum, my dad. My dad's definitely, I always say to my dad I'm like, you're young for Facebook. But we have a Facebook group now for two doting dads. It's a place

where you'll find continuations of discussions from the podcast subjects. Such as? My circumcision. Yeah. But also what's coming up with the pod. You can join it.

Maybe we'll give some stuff away. Two doting dads are in the search bar. Okay, see ya. Goodbye. Two doting dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.