Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #54 Elevator Phobia, Fart Bombing And Butter Heaven

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

After spending a whole week away from the kids, Matt J and Ash have decided to take the whole family on a cruise.  This is also the first time the dads have experienced each other's parenting styles in all their glory, and let's just say things didn't go so smoothly.  We share your best Toddler Meltdown stories and have a crack at answering your listener questions:  What age should you stop being naked in front of your child? What is a lazy game you play with your kids? Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads. Book your cruise with P&O and receive 10% off any value fare*  Use the code: TWODADS *T&Cs apply, valid on cruises until July 2025  Use this link to purchase: https://bit.ly/48L0uQM   If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  Email: [e-mail]  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

So I packed up that black bag, had the beers in one hand, the black bag had the two ring lights sticking out, and I was pacing down the stairs and this guy is standing there and he's just like, got to have some fun, are you? You're like, what of it? I'm an OnlyFans model, okay? Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I am Matty J. And I'm Ash.

And this is a podcast that's all about parenting. It's the good, the bad, and the relatable. And as I look out, Ash, to the horizon across the vast ocean. I know. We were upstairs before and I was like, that's windy. And then I look around and it's like, we're in the middle of the fucking ocean. So, no shit if it's windy. We are coming to you from a cruise ship.

Matt and I had a holiday with Just Us, but then we've decided to take our families on a holiday. To see how that would go. Yes. Yes. So far, we'll get into it. We'll get into it. Oh, my God. Do you know what that is?

What? Oh, my God. Just for reference, those listening, that's the buzzer from the kids club to alert matthew his children are in danger let me just i'll call my mom this is great that couldn't have happened at a better time oh my gosh i'll just call ellie and just tell her that the kids need picking up fucking and the thing about my mom is that she never answers her phone. Oh, she answers it a bit startling. She's like, oh, it's ringing.

Hello. Oh, my God. The other day, whilst on the ship, I was saying, we had to go do a zip line. And I was like, mum, it's booked in. I need you to come get the kids. And she has the ability to take her phone off

wifi and obviously we're at sea so you don't have any reception you've got to call it does like every now and then it like

it's like when they restart the router yeah and she's oh there she is oh my goodness you've answered what

I I didn't think you'd pick up. Oh, chop, chop. Also for reference, we brought our parents along with us. What could go wrong? I'm just letting you know that the Kids Club pager has gone off, which means that someone. Well, yeah, if that's okay.

I think, I think so. They just, they said, if there's anything that you need, anything with the kids that they need you to come and pick them up, it'll go off and it's just gone off. Okay. Where is the kids? Oh shit. Oh shit. You can't make this shit up.

Oh my God. Okay. Fuck make this shit up. Oh, my God. Okay, fuck. What? Can you? I looked at the list, but it doesn't say kids club. Can you go ask? It's better if you just ask someone. I could explain it, and it's just better if you grab someone

who works on the boat, ask for instructions, and they'll help you. It'll be so much easier. Find the captain and ask him. No, no, no. Don't. No. Look. Just tell me what level and I'll find it.

15. 15. At the back of the boat. 15. Easy peasy. I'll go now. Oh, bullshit. She just hung up on me.

Oh, gosh. That's great. Yes. So we did. Look, on top of going on holidays with family and we did we we have merged two families together we also brought our parents along with us for help really so that we can do things and they can help mind the kids but i feel like they don't they never take it upon themselves to be like i'll mind them they're like

you're waiting for us to be like, can you mind them? And I, look, I know that my mom is 70 odd. I don't know exactly how old she is. She looks great. Settle down. 72, I think. I said 73. You asshole.

She nodded politely like, mm-hmm. She's definitely not 73. A lot of experience. You, can I just say, need to stop flirting with my mum. And in front of April as well. It's all a bit of fun. Oh, we just touched knees. Yeah, my mum.

I love her to death me too absolutely love her laura's not on this trip yeah laura's missing she's back in sydney she's working hard and i forget that she's not 50 in my mind she's still like a young mom like she's you know yeah oh she's like she's pretty sprightly. Yeah. She looks great. You said that, not me. But, you know, there's things like getting to the airport, we're running a bit late, as you normally are with kids, and when you've got to move quickly and, you know, I'm there, like I'm throwing bags in the car and I've got Marley and Lola in the car.

Shuffling along. And I turn around and mum's just like, in like slow-mo. Now, Matthew, before you tell me about your mum's slowness, we have to acknowledge our partners. Yes. And also, we are on the Pacific Ocean. So it is telling that we are drinking a Stonewood Pacific Ale. Is this the Pacific Ocean?

Let's just say it is. Is it? It's big and blue. I know it's the Coral Sea. I had a look on maps yesterday. It's the Pacific, isn't it? This is the Pacific. It has to be because Byron Bay.

It's a specific ocean. Let's just go with that. No, because Byron Bay, that's on the East Coast. Yeah. It's the Pacific Ocean. And we are drinking Pacific Ale, of course. Born in Byron Bay, it is Byron Bay in a bottle. It's got lovely fruity aftertaste.

There's galaxy hops, Matt. All the way from Tasmania, Ash. I'm not sure if you know that, but that is what gives the beer its big tropical fruit aromas and flavors and makes it, I believe, so refreshing. I know. They just make great beer. They know how to do it, so we'd like to thank Stone & Wood. Once again.

And the Pacific Ocean. You know, there's certain environments, I think, that make beer taste better. Ships is one of them. Yeah, and I think when you're on the Pacific Ocean, drinking a Pacific ale, the stars are aligned. They are aligned. And it's bloody delicious.

Absolutely. So, cheers! Successfully smuggled Stone & Woods into another vessel. delicious. Absolutely. So cheers. Successfully smuggled Stone Awards into another vessel. Question for you, Ash. Fire away. What is your opinion on boarding planes? How do you do it? Because there's-

I usually walk on. How are you getting on there? Do you mean with kids? I roll. You roll on. No, so there's two opinions on how to correctly board a plane with kids. With kids. Okay.

You just get on without them. Simple. Yeah. Fly far, far away. Ashbury kids are left in behind. Why have you got two spare seats next to you? Don't ask. I'm flying the right way.

Yeah. Option one is. Yeah. So you're flying with April, you've got your two kids, you all board together. There's more than just that option? Okay, option two is, you board first, or April boards first with all of the bags, right? So then she gets on there, she gets space in the overhead lockers, and then the other parent boards last with the kids. That's fucking genius.

I didn't even think about that. Okay. Do you reckon? Is that? Look, honestly, I do the first option because I didn't know there was more than one option. I thought you just get on the plane with your kids, and they fucking carry on up the aisle all the way there. See, I thought, I don't mind just getting him on the seat,

whipping out the iPad and just get them stuck in him. Then get the bags up in the air. So you're like me, all on at once, sit down, shut up, put your seatbelt. I put the seatbelt on so tight they can't move. Yeah, can't breathe. So that's option three. There's a third option. You pin them down.

Yeah. You essentially's option three. There's a third option. You pin them down. Yeah. You essentially lock them in. But I like that second option. Who gave you that one? I read it online. People online are doing it. That's clever. I think that's great.

Look, it's more time consuming. I just think to split the team up, to me, that's dangerous. Well, yeah, split the team up. Hopefully, they don't get on. Yeah. He's just like, going on a cruise on my own. You know when you're sitting there and you're row of like three seats and you've got the window and you're just praying that the two other people

aren't sitting there? Oh, yeah. It's like that with your family. You're on there first and they're like, and that's all our passengers on board. And you're like, yes! Then you just like put your phone on flight mode and you're uncontactable for the whole flight.

But also when you take kids on a plane, you automatically have given up the window seat for the rest of your lives because you're not going to put them on the outside. You're not going to be like, move over, bitch, I want the window. You've got to like trap them in as well, but then it's like you miss out on the window seat for the rest of time. Because Marley was the aisle. And the issue with the aisle is that she like.

Get up. Her foot's out. Like she leds her foot. Yeah. And when that trolley comes up. Yeah. They don't stop for no one. Take a leg off.

That's for sure. But yeah, it was an ordeal on the flight. It always is. I had three kids. Marley, Lola, Ellie, my mum, but we got here in one piece. And you came up on this fine holiday, the day of, kind of pretty fine. Yeah, it was a stressful morning. But I did the day before because I was like, let's just get them up there.

You fucking nailed that. Oh, killed it. You nailed that. We were relaxed. You came up and you were like, my kids haven't eaten in like 19 hours. They've been up since yesterday. It's an hour flight, man. Chill out.

When my alarm went off at like 4.30 in the morning and I was like, fuck it. Damn you, Ash. Ash right now. Damn you. I was fast asleep. In his service department in Brisbane. Oh, it was beautiful.

Brisbane CBD. And this is the thing. Whenever we go on holidays with. Oh, it was beautiful. Brisbane CBD. And this is the thing. Whenever we go on holidays with the kids, it's never to a CBD. Let's be honest. Why would you take the kids to a CBD? Unless you're trying to get him employed that early on. But Oscar had never stayed a night in a CBD, essentially. And we had some time to kill, unlike you,

who was trying to get there as quickly as possible. We went for a walk through Brisbane CBD, okay, which is lovely. Is it? No. No, they've got like a nice, they've got Central Park. What street? Give me a street. Roma.

Oh, I know Roma. Sorry. Yeah. And there's like a little park reserve there. This is my hometown we're talking about, by the way. So I can shit on Brisbane because I'm from Brisbane. I love Brisbane. I really think it's just missing a real beach.

Yeah. It's got South Bank. It's more like a stew of- It's where the homeless go to wash themselves. Is that why it tasted like that? Yeah. And speaking of homeless people, right? We were looking for like a playground for the kids to just burn off a bit of steam before

we moved on to the next journey, as you will. And we found the park on Roma Street and I was like, okay, surely there's a big green park here. There's got to be a playground. So we went for a walk and Oscar's like, what? What? I'll play on that and pointed over there and there was a small community of tents, homeless people.

And I was like- If you will. If you will. If you will. Yeah, they're sleeping rough. Don't know why, but I was like, no, no, no, no. You can't play on those. People live there. And he couldn't quite work out what homeless people are.

So April has stepped in. At Kindy, they do this thing where it's green choice and red choice. Green choice is you make a green choice. That's- It's a good choice. Fucking yeah. You make a red choice, you get locked in the dungeon. Like pissing yourself make a green choice. That's- It's a good choice. Fucking yeah. You make a red choice, you get locked in the dungeon.

Like pissing yourself is a red choice. It's more like hitting another child. That's a red choice. Red choice. April was trying to explain to Oscar how not to be homeless. Using the red choice, green choice analogy. Using the red choice and the green choice. And other parents of toddlers out there will understand exactly this.

Oscar couldn't quite wrap his head around the meaning of homeless. They have no home. What do you mean they have no home? Get one. Get one. Spoken like a true boomer. Just get a job. Yes, just back in my day, houses were 50 cents.

Ape was trying to explain to him what homeless meant. So first of all, couldn't work that out. And then she was like, now here's how not to be homeless. For anyone out there who may be on the brink of being homeless, listen in. Let me help you out, April Star. Don't make any red choices. Okay. Okay.

And he was like, what do you mean by red choices? And I'm like, yeah, April. What do you mean by red choices? Well, she was like, they made a lot of red choices. I was like, don't profile them all. And I was just like, what the fuck are you two talking about? She's like, you make green choices. I'm like, but what if green choices, you end up homeless?

And she was just like, stop confusing. I'm like, he doesn't understand. April said, just make sure that you make green choices forever. Scare him into tactics. Yeah. Which I think is clever. Yes. And you won't be homeless.

I'm like, don't promise him that. First of all. But when we get to the end of the conversation, he was like, so what do you mean they homeless? And I was like, at this point with the homeless people being like, do you mind? It was like, we're trying to sleep in the middle of the day here. And I was like, all it means, Oscar, is they live in a tent. And he was like, oh, okay. And he can't play on their tent. But then I was like.

He's like, that sounds pretty good. No, but then I was like, but when you grow up, when you get older, you only use tents when you go camping. That's what you want to do. He goes, oh, I get it. And I looked over and I'm like, see? Simple. It's good to expose him to the big world out there.

Yeah, he was a bit rattled. But then he was also more rattled at April trying to explain it to him and try and make it a teaching discipline moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's trying to group too many things into the poor toddler's brain at once. Yeah. Poor old Oscar. He's a bit confused.

He's a bit confused. But also with holidays and Oscar, he's got an irrational fear of elevators. Because of April? No. This is someone else's doing. And everywhere you go when you go on holidays, there's elevators, right? You go to a resort. Or you go, for example, we're on a cruise ship now.

Elevators. But we were staying on the 66th floor in Brisbane. Quite high. He did not want to get in that elevator. He's really putting on a brave face on here. You've seen him when we all go to get into an elevator here. He's like, hurry. Yeah, he gets a bit.

Get on. He gets panicked. Yeah, he's like, get on. Hold each other's hands. He's a freak. Anyway, hold each other's hands. So what happened was when we were going to Bali last year, we were in the elevator for the car park at Sydney Airport,

and we were on level seven, and so was someone else with a whole heap of bags on a trolley. We were getting on the elevator and he was late for the elevator and like stuck his whole body into it. And it went, and opened up. He was fine because there's sensors, right? But Oscar doesn't know that. The same guy had heaps of bags. And when we were getting off, first of all,

Oscar's already petrified of this man. Gets off, all of his bags fell off into the lift, off the trolley, and he's gone out, the lift door's shut, and the bag just went. And Oscar was just beside himself. Oh, my God! He was like, oh, my God! So from now on, if we get into an elevator, so like on the way- It's like PTSD.

Yeah, on the way here, there's an elevator at Sydney Airport in the Qantas Terminal. It's one story because we've got pram, bags. Yeah. But I couldn't fit all of us in. So I was like, you all get in with the bags. I'll run up the stairs, forgetting of his phobia. The door's shutting and I just see his face.

He's never going to see me. He's like, ah! Like the end of some sort of action movie. Like, ah! I run up the stairs. I was like, get to the top so when it opens, I'm right there. Like, nothing's happened. And he was fucking losing it.

And he was like, never do that again! Never do it again and then like like 20 minutes of him just like oh meltdown he must fucking hate holidays he's like yeah i don't think especially on the ship because it's like to get anywhere you gotta jump you need to get on an elevator he's having a terrible time yes he's traumatized for the lift. And then Matty J. Hang on a second. Let me just defend myself before you start pigeonholing me. How dare you traumatize my offspring.

It was interesting, us all coming together, because we've never really spent that much time with each other's kids. It's always like we finish a record at one of our houses. See one of them. They come home from daycare. We're like, hey, how are you? And then we're out the door. That's it.

That's like maybe five, ten minutes at the most. Actually, Lola's birthday was the first time we spent some time together. There was heaps out of the kids there. But we're all hanging out together. Everyone's being very pleasant. I'm working hard to show your kids that I'm a good guy. And I had running races with Oscar. You did?

And he was loving it. Yeah. Loving me. Yeah. I would go as far as to say. Yeah, I would say the same. I would agree. You're really, really getting on like buddies.

The foundation of our relationship was rock solid. Oh, absolutely. You could fucking put a high rise on that thing. Couldn't agree more. So in my mind, we were in a great place. Yeah. You thought wrong, my friend. I thought wrong.

Okay. I've come down to Maddie J's room with Oscar for some reason. I can't remember what it was for, to pick up a charger or something. Yes. And I instantly, the door was open, already open, shocked open, and I could already smell a fart. I farted. Yes.

I did a big fart, and Ash and I joked of like, That stinks. Don't come into the room because the fart's right there. I was like, I'm not coming in. And I looked at Oscar, and he had a smile on his face. He was looking at me. He goes, in my mind, he was looking at me in the way that someone looks at like a friend they've been reunited with for the first time.

And so I thought it would be funny to bend down, grab him, and bring him into the room. Abduct him. In a force of like forcing your stench onto him. That's what it was. And my kids are in the room as well. It's like it's not like it's room as well. It's not that bad. My girls are there.

And they're kind of like, hey, Oscar. They're passed out on the ground from the stench. As I drag Oscar in, drag's the wrong word. As I lift him in. As I take Oscar in. He starts kicking. Flailing. He fought pretty hard.

I thought it was a joke. Nope. He starts uppercutting me. I put him on the bed, and he starts trying to scratch my eyes out. And then he started kicking. Started kicking. And then he jumped off the bed. He was beating the shit out of me.

And then he jumped off the bed, ran back down the hallway to me at the door, completely bypassed me, ran all the way up, all the way to the other end of the boat up the hallway. Wailing. Screaming, like, help! And I look back in the room and there's a sheepish Matty J, and he just goes, thought we were there. I was like, obviously not.

You loved it. I thought it was hilarious. Shit. And then I was like. I've just, obviously not. You loved it. I thought it was hilarious. Shit. And then I was like... I've just undone like... So much. Two days of sober. You gave him a heartfelt apology. I didn't think he responded to that. Two days later. We had that day trip where I'm at

LA Beach. Every few seconds I was like, I love your shirt, Oscar. That's a great shirt. Don't try so hard, man. I brought him snacks. I was like, you want a chocolate? Oh, that's right. Come here in the bathroom.

I've got puppies in my room. It's never been the same since. It's never. You get back. You get back there. You get back there. Actually, we turned a corner this morning. Did you?

Because the kids had pancakes Maple syrup everywhere Nightmare Everyone's sticky From the pancakes Yes And I took Marley to wash her hands And he came with Oh that's right

He's not as scared as you So do it again Yeah for her Try again I would say Ash I feel like if there was one person Who I didn't have to remind That footy season has started, it is yourself. But to everyone else out there who may not be aware, we're back, baby.

You're back. Woo! You are. Yes, you are. I just have to say, Broncos, that last game, wasn't it unbelievable? Yes, they did beat the Rabbitohs. 28-18 it was. Could you just be a bit more excited that my team got their first win

of the 2024 season, please? Congratulations. That was so forced. I know. But, yes, Matt, both NRL and AFL seasons are well underway, and you can watch every game of every round live on KO with no ad breaks during play. Now, this week, a couple of call-outs.

We have a grand final rematch, okay? Come on, baby. Panthers and the Broncos. Can they come back? Can they win and beat the Panthers after last year's funeral? Hang on a second. Moving on. Hang on a second.

What do you mean, can they win? When they win the rematch. Oh, yes, okay. Can you just come on? I pretend to like Manly sometimes. Anyway, I have tip penrith for that game. And coming up, Super Saturday, of course, three games back-to-back, which are all exclusive to Fox League that are available on KO.

And with the AFL, let's not forget, there's Hawthorne versus Melbourne. That's going to be on Saturday. And then we have Richmond versus Port Adelaide on the Sunday. And also, Matt, coming up this weekend is the Formula One Grand Prix, and you can watch every session live in 4K. Whoa, 4K. The detail is so clear. I love how you got surprised.

Whoa, shit, Matt. Talking to yourself, you're like, and in 4K. Did you say 4K? Yeah, that's in 4K. Whoa, holy shit. Whoa, the detail is so clear. it's like you're driving laps. Ash, it would be remiss of me not to give a shout-out to Danny Ricardo, who is, of course, battling it out on his home ground for points.

Come on, Danny. Yes, we will do a shoeie for you in honour. Win, lose. Do you draw in racing? And if you're new to KO, get on board today. Start your free trial. We have a link in our bio. Go on.

Treat yourself 4K. One of your kids did something that I thought was, I had a chuckle. I had a chuckle. What happened? Yesterday we were at breakfast, and I'm enjoying my breakfast. As you do. And I hear you say, say lola no more butter and i was like i was like oh it must be on a toast or something glance to my heart and there you're saying no more butter and i look at lola and she's got the stick of butter and she's just

sucking on this stick of butter like some sort of freak and i was just like what the hell and then you're like even this morning you're like kid loves butter she fucking loves butter and it's and this is heaven for her because where we have breakfast as soon as you sit down on the table is forks crockery and a big bowl of butter and the wait is like can i get your orders please and lola's like no i'm good you've already had my breakfast out for me everything i need right here and she just she fucking went through three knobs oh i know i was sitting next to her this morning and i like i like sneakily slapped one out of her hand. I was like, that's enough for you, mate. And then I've stepped on it, slid through my slide.

But also what she did, she had greasy, oily, buttery hands, and she looked at me, looked at my shirt, and then she just got her hand and smeared it down my shirt like I was an old fucking napkin. I apologize. Lola's interesting like that. She's an interesting cat. Marley warmed to you straight away.

Yeah, straight away. We had a little cuddle yesterday. That was really nice. But also with Lola, like I said, you've told me so many stories about Lola and then I haven't spent an extended amount of time with you. And now I sympathize with you. She's a rule breaker. She's a tough one to work out.

She is the type of kid that you say, don't do that. She'll go and do it and look at you while she's doing it and then explain to you that she's doing what you told her not to do. And you're like, she's really good at like gaslighting you. Everyone. And it's not just you because you're like she's really good at like gaslighting you yeah everyone and it's not just you because you're like for weeks like she hates me i think she secretly hates everybody except for laura except for laura so the other day first day on the trip we're having a little cuddle it's great she's like i love you i was like that's great i love that and five minutes later i was like do you want to come with me she's like no, no. I was like, oh, fuck.

And then yesterday, she goes, I want to sit next to you, Ash. We're on the bus on the island. She's like, I want to sit next to you. I'm like, oh, do you want to sit next to me? She's like, no. Just fucking took off off the bus. Then she sits next to you and she starts wiping her hands all over. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she's like, that's all I needed. See ya. She only sat next to me this morning because I made her. I was like, sit there. She's been she's been great with me yeah she's been great with me because she always needs to have like someone that's on her side that's me that's you i'm the enabler now for all of her behavior but she fucking hates everyone else yeah for example nana oh like she was struggling with her swimmers i was

putting marley getting marley ready for the pool and And Nana just goes, oh, you've just got to let me help put your feet in the holes of the swimmers. And she goes, don't, Nana. Oh, yeah. And I spat in her face. And I was like, lol, you can't do that. And she was like, do what I fucking want. Oh, she is the do what I want kid.

Her and Marley is so opposite. It's wild. And then you've got Oscar in the middle of these two girls trying to work out which one he really should be hanging out with. It's funny, dude. Breakfast, he's with Marley. Lunchtime, he's with Lola. And I'm like, fuck, which way is this going to go?

He's playing the field, this kid. Yeah, isn't he? He's just like. Meanwhile, I'm working out when to abduct him next. Poor kid's confused. I know. Yesterday, Lola, I could tell she's just a bit hard work for you a few times then she has a nap right and then she's cranky again and then all of a sudden she's

full of beans the whole night like i left dinner early because macy fell asleep at the table and then like when i did leave you she was oh she was bouncing it was like seven seven o'clock ish and then i had to sit in the room and wait for April to come back with Oscar. And then we were going off to some white party thing. It was like 8 o'clock when I messaged you because April said, Matt said he's going to take her to the pub and just let her run around like the pub on the boat and just let her wear herself out. I was like, oh, okay, we'll go medium.

But obviously, she must have crashed, surely. No, she was up until like nine o'clock last night oh fuck yeah yeah she'd have taken to the white party no well i had to be i was looking after marley but i think overall going on holidays with other people it's a real roll of the dice yeah because it's one thing to get along with someone like individually it's another thing to like have your families combined oh and especially the kids they like they egg each other on like one will be like i want this then one will be like i want that but i think it's been pretty good yeah there was only like there's just been like the odd

individual meltdown yeah collective standard yeah but also i'm trying my best to be what do you mean like it's like scream at them in public? Yeah. I don't. Yeah. There's been a couple of like meltdowns. Like yesterday when Lola meltdowned on the line and you had your hands full of marlin. I was like, dropped April's bag. I'm like, I'm picking this fucking kid.

I don't give a shit if she punches me out. And like, she was like, I'm going to go. Like flailing around. And I was like, oh my God. And the reason why it's worked, I think, is because we've both got similar styles of parenting. We try and lay down the rules when we need to lay down the rules. Like it's an example. Example of like where all the parents had a united front.

Because the kids, our kids are pretty similar. They're all bad eaters. Oh, they suck. You've got to like sit there there and individually feed every nugget into their mouth. It's painful. There's a bit of mashed potato on that one. Oh, shut the fuck up and just shove it in your gob

and leave me the fuck alone. And Oscar wasn't eating last night. Oh, yeah. He didn't want to borrow it. And so you went and took Macy into bed and he had like a full plate and he's like, oh, I want ice cream. And April was like, you're not getting ice cream. And then my kids were like, are we getting ice cream?

And I'm like, no one's getting ice cream. I miss this. And Oscar flipped it. He was like, ah. He was the same as when I tried to bring him into the room. And I was like, I know that scream. He was the same as when I tried to bring him into the room. And I was like, I know that scream.

And April goes, are your kids going to have ice cream? And I said, April, if he's not getting ice cream, no one's getting ice cream. And then my kids started to lose it and I said, you shut up! And then April goes, if you have five chicken nuggets, you can have the ice cream. And so we're all there like, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. And then the fifth nugget came and it was just like the kids were stoked.

Marley and Lola were like, we can get ice cream. Oscar was like, guys, I've done it. And it was beautiful. And then I was like, I'll go order the ice cream. April was like, don't worry. I've already done it. We're all getting ice cream. Why don't you two just get married?

I'm thinking about it. So it's worked out well. I think my parenting style is more of camp leader. We're all getting ice cream. Why don't you two just get married? I'm thinking about it. So it's worked out well. I think my parenting style is more of camp leader. I'm like, come on. And then I'm like, stop. Come on. Stop. Don't touch that. I do this thing.

I don't know if you noticed that I put them. I'm like, get up against the wall. Have you seen that? No. The morning before at breakfast, I'm like, all right, get up against the wall. And Macy just does what all the other kids are doing. I'm like, Macy, up against the wall. And Macy just does what all the other kids are doing. I'm like, Macy, up against the wall. She's just like.

That's where April got that photo of them all, up against the wall. And I was like, up against the wall now. And they're all like. We're like, the kid's having a great time. There is a constant fear of elevators getting against the wall, being dragged into random rooms. And we're like, what a great trip. Because Oscar knows my tone of voice at a certain point.

He's like, don't fuck with him. Because the next tone is way worse. And yesterday when we were in line for the boat back and there was the yellow line. And I was like, don't go outside the yellow line. And Lowell was like, fuck you. And I was like, fuck. And she was stepping over and was like, yellow line. So I stood and I got down onto. And Lola was like, fuck you. And I was like, fuck. And she was like stepping over.

I was like, yellow line. So I stood and I got down onto her level and I was like, don't step out of the yellow line. And then Oscar gets close. I'm like, get back in line. And he was like, oh, fuck. And Lola just grabs my cheeks like this. I'm just going, get back in line.

And then pushes my head and like staunched off that's Lola I was like that is I can't work this kid out I'm intrigued to know how it's going to be going back to Sydney and back with Laura because this this is honestly I'm like not trying to be funny this is the closest that Lola and I have ever been which is like i'm fucking loving life right now because we're in the we're in the one cabin and she'll wake up in the middle of the night and she's like coming to my bed and we have this cuddle like this morning we wake up at like four o'clock got into bed gave her a cuddle we slept until seven and i'm like i've never in the three years that she's been here had that before

oh my goodness and all i had to do was just like completely remove laura from the picture i wish i'd done this sooner sorry laura sorry laura but yeah it's been good i feel like bringing them together like the other day macy and marley holding hands it's. It's great. It's so good. Bringing two families together. And it is, of course, on a P&O cruise. Yeah, we're on the four-day cruise, by the way. In case anyone does want to do this trip, probably seen our socials and seen what we've been up to. But we went from Brisbane to Whitsundays and back.

Is it the Pacific Encounter? Pacific Encounter. There's also one that goes from Sydney. There's heaps. Morton as well. There's heaps. You can check out their website. They've got a lot. They've got heaps and heaps's heaps. Morton as well. There's heaps. You can check out their website. They've got a lot.

They've got heaps and heaps and heaps. We did this one. We do have a discount code, 10% off. 10%? I'm booking another cruise. I know. We should do it again. Maybe just you and me.

Oh, yeah, definitely. If you want to book this trip and get the 10% discount, you can use the code 2DADS, T-W-O, DADS. We'll put that in the show notes in case you want to use it. We'll also put a link to the website, make it a little bit easier for you. Step by step, now that we've spoken about the multiple meltdowns on this ship, let's go to our favourite segment, which is Tantrum slash Meltdown of the Week.

Cue music. Cue music. It's the final meltdown The final meltdown All right, Manny J. So this one's from Alice and says, my son just cried and threw his breakfast on the floor because his porridge had oats in it. Those little assholes.

Oh, man. So complicated. What do you do with that? Like, honestly. They still cut oats, you moron. Like, it's just so hard, isn't it? You just don't know. It's so't it you just don't know it's so hard you just don't know and as well five days out of the week they love oats for breakfast and they realize that there's oats

they're like wait a second did you try and trick me what have i been eating oscar this morning so like had a bottle of milk this morning but because we don't have a kettle in our room it was cold and i april gave it to him and he just literally grabbed it, dropped it on the ground and was like, it's cold. Oh, dude. They are slave masters. And I saw a funny TikTok the other day and it was like, essentially, you're just your toddler's bitch.

Feed me, wash me, bathe me, carry me, put me up on this high thing. I wouldn't have it any other way, though. Lies. All right, this is from Matthias. Matthias Moberg. Oh, Matthias Moberg. I knew you'd say that. Pass them along.

One evening, my two daughters, four and two years old, were sitting in the older girl's bed. The older girl was playing on her iPad and the younger one was watching her play. I was in the other room when I started to hear the younger one scream. I told them, stop fighting and behave yourselves. Well said, like all good parents do. The screaming went on and on. And so I had to put a stop to it, says Matthias. Just when I passed the threshold of her room, I smelled a strong stench.

Oh, no. And when I got to the bed, my two-year-old sat in her diaper holding a piece of turd. my two-year-old sat in her diaper holding a piece of turd. The reason for the screaming was that she had taken a bit out. Oh, my God. What? Sorry. Oh, my God. Get through it.

She had taken a bite out of it. Oh, my God. What? And it tasted awful in her mouth, you don't say. Oh, my God. I picked up my daughter in disgust and ran with her to the bathroom, threw her in the shower where my wife was, and the weird thing was that my older daughter was sitting right next

to this display of absolute shithousery, no pun intended, and didn't notice a thing, Just kept playing on her iPad. He's taking the headphones off. You know it's a good chuckle when the headphones come off. My God! That's disgusting! What the fuck is wrong with them?

Also, this ship could start sinking, and if the kids are on their phones and iPad, fuck, they wouldn't move a muscle. They wouldn't even notice. They wouldn't move a muscle. They wouldn't even know. That just reminds me of something Grace Oscar did yesterday. My dad took him to the toilet and was like,

go into that cubicle there, go for a wee. And dad was like, fuck, he's taking a while, and pokes his head in and he's got his head in the toilet. Not in the water. Oscar. Yeah. No, dad. He's got his head in the toilet. And dad's like, but in. Yeah. No, Dad. He's got his head in the toilet.

And Dad's like, oi, what are you doing? And he let go. And his whole nervous thing is he puts his fingers in his mouth. And he was like, oh, oh. And I was like, did you wash him? And Dad's like, yeah, I licked his fingers. Oh. No.

Let's do some listener questions. Yes. To end on. Let's end on a listener question. This first one is from Tommy, who says, my daughter, who is nearly one and a half, walks in on me in the shower on the reg, and most recently she sat on my lap while I took a big shit.

Well said, Tommy. A big shit. I backed, Tommy. A big shit. I backed one out. How good are boundaries? I'm wondering, though, did either of the two of you let your kids see you naked, and was there an age where you thought they shouldn't anymore? Hey, he says in brackets, absolutely no judgment if they still do. This is why I'm asking, because I have no idea.

And do you feel differently for a boy seeing you in your glory than a girl. And, Tommy, can I just say this is a safe space. You can ask absolutely anything and nor me nor Ash will ever judge you. And I, let me rephrase that, I will never judge. Ash may very well do so. No, I'm not going to. What do you do with your kids? For me, I've got a boy and a girl.

I don't care if they see me in the nut. Honestly, I think they should thank me every time they see me in the nut. This is what a real man looks like. Yeah, and I continue to say that. They never really walk in on me because I lock the door. Oh, you do? Every time. I'm not stupid.

Not that you're stupid, but lock the door, man. Let them bang on the door all they like. I'll get the bang on the door like, Daddy, what are you doing in there? What do you think I'm doing in here, man? I'm trying to shit and get away from you. The kids never come in and they never do that. Yeah, April's in the shower. Both kids are in there.

Really? Just in the room. Macy's usually in the drawers. I guess Macy's, she's a woman of few words. Does she ever say like, oh, daddy, you've got... No. Because my kids, sometimes if it's been... I'm a bit of a public nudist at home.

You heard it here first. It doesn't really bother me. Sometimes it's been a week or two and the girls haven't seen me naked. Then all of a sudden they'll see me naked and they'll go, holy shit. It's huge. Daddy, you've got a doo-'ll see me naked and they'll go, holy shit. It's huge. Daddy, you've got a doo-doo. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I do. And I want to educate them on the fact that.

You flip it around a bit. Fucking hell. But I don't think, I mean, the only thing that I've done now, because Marley's coming up to being five, every now and then, it's a bit of a treat for them when they have a bath. I hop in the bath with them. And now, just because it's a bit of a treat for them when they have a bath. I help in the bath with them. And now, just because it's a small bath and there's three of us in there, I put my budgies on.

Oh, okay. And I wear that in the bath. Yeah. I don't think there's a huge big deal until they start to get a bit old. Like if you're bathing with your teenager, that's weird. Yeah. But I think if they're like that age, like you said. I think when they start school.

Yeah, maybe. We're not there yet. We don't really know. So I would say at the moment, the ages that both of our kids are, education-wise about private parts, it can help. Oh, my God. You're giving advice. Sorry, I should have stopped you.

Go ahead. This is great. And I like Macy and Oscar shower together, bath together, boy and a girl. Yeah. But, like, they don't know, right? They don't know unless we educate them. So, like, I find that I'm, like, at the age now where nudity around me,

mum, not my mum, mummy, let's say, and both our kids. It's still fine and still of educational purposes. But I think, yeah, once they get to primary school, we'll probably have a different opinion on it. Did Tom say that one of them suddenly went out and was taking a shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, the kid's one and a half.

Look, young age, fine. I think as we get into primary school, our opinions might change. But I'm not going to judge anyone out loud. Never would. Up here. All the time. Tommy, I hope that helps you through. He's probably like, that was just a load of fucking nonsense.

What? The next one is from Courtney. Matt, I want to know, well, Courtney wants to know, what's your lazy game to play with your kids? This is hers. I lay on the floor whilst my daughter takes her Barbie on a mountain walk on my back. Yeah.

Yeah, that's lazy. That's good. That's very good. And I think all good lazy games require some level of being horizontal. Yeah, like that guy who gets his kids to draw him while he sleeps. Fucking brilliant. Genius. Very good.

My lazy game, sometimes when the kids wake up really early and they come into bed and I just want another five, ten minutes and they're wide awake, we play a game where they draw letters on my back and I try and guess what the letters are. And it just normally goes, I'm like, is that a Z? Do it again. And I try again. I go, is that an S? Do it again. Do it again. And that's my lazy game.

Yeah, right. Mine is similar. I lay on my stomach and just let them jump on me. That's not what you said before. I said lock them in a cupboard. But I'm not allowed to say that because it's not true jumping on the tummy that's a great game i'm on my tummy and they're just on my back because i don't i don't really like massages but i like when like oscar comes in with two knees boom in the back really makes you feel alive anyway before we we go, last week we answered the question of what is the best book to read to your kids.

We got a lot of great answers. We're not going to go through them here. But if you go into one of our last posts on Two Dirting Dads on Instagram, there's some great suggestions in there from other parents. Yeah. I just saw one here, which I just sparked my interest, which I do quite like. It rhymes, it's short, it's easy. It's piranhas don't eat bananas.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a good one. That's a goodie. That is a belter. Yeah, whip that one out, get them to sleep real quick. That is a belter. All this book talk, Ash, it's getting the cogs turning in my mind. I mean.

I can see them turning. I did very bad at school. As did I. English in particular. Both of us can't read. All right. Could we? Could we potentially?

Well, we've got an idea. And what we want to do is if you as a parent have had any situation where you've tried to leave the house and there's been a disaster with your kids that stopped you from going out and socialising. Send them to us. Send them to us. We want to know what they are because we're working on something. Send them to hello at toodaddydads.com or DM us.

We'll put it in the show notes, but we want to hear your suggestions because it will help an idea. We won't tell you what it is just yet. Bear with us. They're pondering. Bear with us. Yes. And if you've enjoyed this episode,

please send it to someone who needs a little perk up or someone who needs to understand how chaotic life could be because that was a chaotic episode. It was bedlam. It was great. I love that. Let's just stay in this room for a little bit longer after we stop recording because once we leave here

and we go see our kids again. I've already ordered room service. Yeah, perfect. We've got plenty of time. Perfect. Give us a review as well. It would absolutely make our lives. Yes.

We love hearing your feedback. It's really appreciated. And we'll see you guys next week. Absolutely. See you guys. Bye.