Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #57 Big Easter Blow Out, Toddler Cravings, Gender Disappointment

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

Matt and Ash hate the Easter long weekend.  Kids are jacked up on sugar, daycare charges you the public holiday, and you can't escape it because the roads are packed full of other families trying to escape.  The only upside is that the calories don't count during Easter. Ash takes the family to the Royal Easter Show, entering with the best intentions but leaving as a very full man.  Matt is trying to find time to have sex longer, but life is getting in the way. In an unrelated topic, he also shares his personal experience with gender disappointment. We share your best Toddler Meltdown stories and have a crack at answering your listener questions:  How do you manage gender disappointment? If you were born a woman, would you go through the process of birth? Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Can I tell you what sucks about being middle-aged now? You're not middle-aged. I am because people- I'm 36. People die at 70. Oh, I hope I die at 70. I hope I die long before 70. Don't wish for those kind of things. I told you, 65, I'm tapping out.

So, you're middle-aged. I'm halfway dead. welcome back to two doting dads i am maddie j and i'm ash this is a podcast all about parenting it's the good the bad and the relatable And if you have come wanting any type of advice, I'm going to stop you right now. Unless you want some advice on how to not get domestic injuries. Then sit down and get comfortable. And I will just say a warm welcome to all the non-parents who listen in. They are the forgotten audience. I'm trying to tick all the boxes today.

My domestic injury was I went to the gym, trying to get back into weights, had a great- How long were you waiting? Oh, my God. Had a great set overhead, overhead press. Second set, didn't exert too much. Got off the machine and I was like, fuck, down my neck. Oh, again.

Down my neck. From fucking two sets of overhead press. Welcome to middle age. Yeah, we spoke about this the other day too, remember? Domestic injuries. You never used to get them, but now, 30 plus, I was coming back from going through drive-through KFC. Okay. Love KFC. Okay.

Love KFC. Just going to put that out there. This is not a sponsorship call-out. Was it the payment or the receipt? No. There are two areas where you can get an injury. It was getting the zinger box off the passenger seat to get out of the driver's door. So, I went like that.

To lean over. I leaned over. Threw my back out. I was literally bedridden for days. Dizing a box was delicious. These injuries, they linger. Got to watch out. I'm fragile.

I'm weak. I'm precious. Let's crack a beer to that then. To being precious. This will toughen me up. I've got hairs on your chest. Cheers. Cheers, my friend.

It's good to see you. That's delicious. What is that? Right now, can people guess what we're drinking? It is a stone and wood, but try and guess right now what it is. Uh-huh. Wrong. If you guessed.

What it is. Uh-huh. Wrong. It is a Hinterland Hazy Paleout, which was a limited release, Matt, but now is going to be part of their core range. Add that to the other great beers that they have. Yes, Stoner would announce that at the start of this month. They were like.

They did, yes. They were teasing us with these limited release beers. But now she is here to stay. She's one of the family, you could say. Yes, and best enjoyed fresh out of the refrigerator, just like the ones we are drinking today. Ash, I'm going to put you on the spot here and see if you can guess one of the hops. Galaxy.

Yeah, there he is. There he is. From Tasmania, I believe. Also, yeah, they also source it from Victoria, I believe. You believe. We believe. In addition to that, it's got the Eclipse and the Vic Secret hops. It's a secret.

That is what creates the golden haze and full-bodied finish. Yes, and it's juicy, vibrant, and flushed with tropical fruit aromas. We'd like to thank Stone & Wood, as we do every week, for making this episode possible. Cheers to that. Cheers, yes. Cheers, Kent. I want to ask you something.

I did a little reel. It may sound arrogant, but I thought it was quite funny, Ash. It was based on how you react when your wife says we should snuggle after the kids are in bed i did see that i don't normally light a candle for sex also why not why i mean we don't how dare you we normally i like a little bit of light i'm i i i tend to leave the lights on we are turn the ensuite bathroom light on and have the door slightly ajar. Fuck, you've got a sus.

Mood lighting. Well, sometimes it's weird. Does this house not have dimmers? No, because the dimmers, even when the dimmers are low, that's too bright. We like to have a little bit of light in the room. You want to see what you're doing. Yeah. I don't want it to be pitch black.

Yeah, imagine like eating in the dark. A bit weird. Yeah. You've got to have something to light. You make mistakes. to be pitch black because imagine like eating in the dark a bit weird yeah you gotta have some mistakes so i made a joke in the caption of that video and i said i hope she's ready for the best six minutes yes and then i was curious to know i was like because a lot of people were like well six minutes that's pretty generous stop bragging that's a good innings. When we have sex nowadays, and this is post two children, it's vastly different from when we used to have sex before kids. Time is money.

Yes. Ash, I like the spontaneity of just having sex in the moment. Do you know what I mean? No. Like often as a married couple with two children, the most frequent time we have sex is in the evening. Yeah. At night time. Sometimes I want to mix it up.

Yeah. But you don't have the ability to do that because on the weekends. The kids are here. Daytime sex rarely happens. Rarely. Unless you're away or. Which also rarely happens now without the kids. Yeah.

So sometimes, you know, you put on the Disney channel and you're like, hopefully. They don't come up. Hopefully this grabs their attention for five minutes. Okay. So you're going for distraction. That is like once in a blue moon. April would.

I know Laura's not keen blue moon. April would never. I know Laura's not keen on it. She hates it. I have a friend who actually told me a story that he did that. I was shocked. And I'm like, how are you kids distracted for 30 minutes? He said 30 minutes. He said 30 minutes. He said 30 minutes.

Jesus. And I was like, what the fuck? He's like an ultra runner. Anyway, same thing. But I was shocked. I was like, the fuck he's like an ultra runner anyway same thing but i was shocked i was like how did your missus allow that because i would be all for it april would be like nah there is a level of anxiety with kids does it increase the pleasure not that i've done this this is a podcast about sex it's like having sex in public it's like the fear of being caught not that i'm not into, especially not by my children.

That's the last thing we need. What are they going to do though? I mean, it's just going to ruin the mood for the weekend. All right. Although it has also become more complicated now in my household because- Your mum's here. My mum. I can hear you out there.

And she's a night owl. She's up late. She stays up till like midnight. Oh, my God. And she loves to chat, loves to chat, loves also putting a doco that we can all watch together. Sometimes if we're upstairs and she's like- She's like a chaperone.

She's like, I found the doco, come downstairs. I'm like, oh, my balls deep up here. Can you shut up? Okay, yes i put the question out there and i asked people how long does sex last with your partner and i was more so trying to direct this towards people who are in long-term relationships and ideally those who have kids because that's where things really change. And I said five minutes or under, five to ten minutes, ten to twenty, or over twenty minutes. What do you think was the most common answer, Ash? Ten to twenty.

Close. Over three and a half thousand people said that they're having sex between five to ten minutes. Okay. But then a lot of people were arguing, well, does that include foreplay? And my response to that- Foreplay? What the hell is that? What do you mean?

We're not dating. What are you talking about? I said we're married with kids. Who has time for foreplay? I know. Am I right? If you do, it doesn't fall into the time factor. It's a peck on the cheek and a high five. And then it's game on. Foreplay is me taking my

clothes off. Lucky. April. But 10 to 20. Just over 3,000 people said 10 to 20 minutes. Wow. How many people said 20 minutes or more? April. It's just April. One vote April. She's like, oh like oh yeah well we had um 1 200 people say over 20 minutes over 20 oh they are egyptian because they live in denial well said well said um for me i think we're looking at about an average of about seven minutes maybe eight that's acceptable what are we looking at for yourself when we're when we're looking at an average of about seven minutes, maybe eight. That's acceptable. What are we looking at for yourself when we're having a little pleasure session?

Well, we only do one way now. What's that? Reverse cowgirl. Okay. So about 20 to 30 seconds. It's over. No, I'm better than that. I can't tell if you're being serious.

I've got a mate who says that he squeezes his stomach in deterrent. To what? To not finish. Squeezes his stomach? Like he grabs it. And I was like, what the fuck? He goes, you've got a hell bruise there now. I'm like, doesn't it hurt?

He's like, that's the point. Mind you, this guy is very single. Why doesn't he just? If April turned around, I'm squeezing my stomach. She'd be like, what are you doing, you freak? Okay, realistically, oh, sub five minutes. I'm no hero. For those individuals who do not have kids but like to listen

to the podcast, who may be a little bit confused right now, the issue is. I don't blame you. Like when you've had a long day and you've dealt with the kids- The quicker the better. Dinner time is a punish. Bath time, the kids hate getting in the bath. They love then being in the bath so then getting out of the bath, it's just struggle after struggle after struggle.

Some sick game. They then suck just every last energy out of your body. I'm so exhausted when it comes time to reading that story. And then I can barely feed myself, Ash. I'm that exhausted. I sit there at the coffee table and I've just got nothing left. Yeah. And then to try and get back on.

Top of the horse. It's like I don't have time. I don't have time. I'm sure that a lot of people are listening to this right now and relating. And Laura's the same. She's exhausted. She's working 12 jobs right now as she always is. Sometimes it's easy to just go to bed.

We always have a peck goodnight. And if Laura gets any more than just a simple peck. She's like, don't come on to me. She's like, what do you think you're doing? Yeah, I know. And I'm like, what? What? What?

I've just given you a nice kiss. What do you mean? It's like the other day. I was like, I'll give you this cup. She was like, no. I was like, why? She's like, I know what you want. I was like, no've just given you a nice kiss. What do you mean? It's like the other day, I was like, I'll give you a cuddle. She was like, no. I was like, why? She's like, I know what you want. I was like, no, I don't.

I don't want that. But also I do want that. They can read us like a book. In my head, I'm like, I'll just give her a little like that. Or like a little longer peck on the cheek. A little tap on the bum. And she's like, stop it. No, she'll go. Stop it right now. She'll go, you know, I'm on my cheek. A little tap on the bum. And she's like, stop it. No, she'll go.

Stop it right now. She'll go, you know I'm on my period. I'm like, whoa. Just trying to show you some affection. She's like, no, you're not. Can't husbands just give their wives a passionate tap on the shoulder? Like a little rub. She'll be like, do that on my feet.

Be like, no, thank you. I'm not touching those dogs. How dare you talk about her feet like that? Matt, now I don't know if you'd noticed that on Monday, I attended the Easter show with my children. I did notice that. And my wife. I also took my sister and my niece.

Oh, you took the full family. Yeah. How'd you go, big guy? No, good. It was actually good. They do a very good job out there. They do a very good job. Were the kids excited?

Did they know what they were going for? Very excited. So the night before, got YouTube out, get a video of highlights of last year's Easter show, just to get them pumped up. Love that. So they were happy. They were ready, raring to go.

Did you use the threat of not going to the Easter show as a way of disciplining them or getting them to behave? Yeah, we're all going to go and you're not coming. You're not coming. Yeah. You can stay here. Of course, had to, had to. That's part of, it's the fun of being a parent.

Yeah. And that's why we do these things. If I couldn't do that, I wouldn't want to be a parent. Okay. Now, very good. I'm surprised at how well the kids behave the whole time really looking for except for like macy loves petting zoo like who does shot no shockingly because if there's a bug in macy's room she'll scream and point and she's like

like to the point where you have to get, like if it's on the roof, you've got to move her bed, get this tiny bug off the ceiling. She's into the petting zoo. But loved it. Oscar hated it. But Macy was like walking around patting them, loving it, big, thick, like big ones, like things I'm like, ooh. And she did this.

Lama, loved a llama. And it's a really, really good petting zoo they've got there. It's huge. The animals are into it. Well, I guess they have to be zoo they've got there. It's huge. The animals are into it? Well, I guess they have to be because they're getting fed. It's great. I've got Macy enjoying it and Oscar going like, pick me up, pick me up, holding him and just like carrying on.

Has he always been like that? No, I don't know. Something's happened. Don't know. But anyway, other than that, really, really well behaved. We saw all the animals, went and did the horses. He was a bit scared of the cows because of how big they are. Fucking huge, those cows.

They are big cows. They are award-winning cows. You forget how big cows really are. You do. You do until you walk past one that's that big and you're like, holy shit, look at that big piece of meat laying on the ground. We've got a knife and fork and a bib. Do they make the connection?

It's always a little bit tricky when like the patting a chicken and they're like, it's so cute. And then they're like, I want chicken nuggets. And they're like, hang on a second. The chicken's like, excuse me? Now, one person who was not behaved was me. Take yourself back to a couple of days ago where I said, I need to fix this rig. Yeah, you sent me a photo of your backside and you said, I need to fix this. And I said, you look great. You don't need to fix this rig. Yeah, you sent me a photo of your backside and you said,

I need to fix this. And I said, you look great. You don't need to fix anything. We've had quite a fun month, let's say, a fun month of activities. Yeah, the trip to Vegas. Trips away. It was just full of beer. Beers.

Burgers. Burgers. Pino. The cruise. Again, chippies. Pizzas. Pizzas. Beers. Sounds so good. Pizzas, beers.

Sounds so good. We've been living the good life. And I said to you- March was a dangerous month for us. Yes, yes. And I said, look, I've got like a month between now and when I've got some other stuff on that I just want to like fix the rig. So I went into the Easter show.

I ate before I left the house. Ate something quite healthy like some eggs and protein and blah, blah, blah. Getting ready to do some kilometers. And it's like when you go to the zoo, as soon as you get there, your legs hurt and you're hungry. Immediately. It's like when you go to the shop, something to do with the lights. I get hungry. I'm like, I want a kebab.

I want an Alibaba kebab immediately in my mouth. And those chips. That's it. Quit the record. We're going to Alibaba. Let's go. And I was like, okay, I'm not going to eat too badly. Until I walked, literally physically walked in and I was like, well, I'm just fucking starving now.

It's 1030 in the morning. Now, I just want to run you through. Wasn't it when Macy was like patting a little piglet and you're like, oh, just some of it. Pulled pork. We hadn't even got to the- It was literally the first food truck. As soon as I walked in, I was like, oh, hello.

Spoken like a true dad. We'll get through what I ate over the course of the day. Mind you, I was home by 4 p.m. So 10.30 to 4 p.m. This is what was on the menu for Ashwick's. Okay, here we go. First thing, just start with a little Coke Zero, right? You love a Coke Zero.

I love a Coke Zero. Just to wet the palate. Wet the palate. But alongside that- So cleanse the palate. Alongside that Coke Zero schnitzel burger. Next thing. Dagwood dog.

German sausage. Jesus. Homemade lemonade. A large one. Okay. Then I finish that off with a bit of ribs. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Like half or what?

How many ribs are we talking? It's half rack of ribs. I'm not judging. Okay. Chicken skewers. Sauteed chicken skewers. The extra sauce. They were lovely.

They were delicious. Corn on a stick. You've got to have corn. Times two. You've got to. Chip on a stick. Times two. Fairy floss on a stick.

Also, gozleme. Donut on a stick. Followed up by Another gozleme A meat one this time Because the veggie one was very good The meat one, awesome Finished off with some ice cream An ice cream sundae to be exact

A flake one with extra sauce And then I finished Oscar's ice cream Grand total About 230 something dollars worth of food That I ate at the Easter show. Oops. I literally could not stop eating. Remember when we were coming back from Vegas and you're like,

fucking hell, you've eaten all day. It's all you've done. There's two modes with you. You're either fasting, you'll have like a drink in the afternoon and that's all you have for the entire day or you're just this machine just hooning just opening the gullet and just letting everything come in i pretty much did the easter show tour of food trucks did april say anything? Was she- She wouldn't dare. Anyway, so I- When you say you finished Oscar's ice cream, is that because he couldn't finish it or you

were just like- I was like, I see you go. He left it out. Also, he can't work out the structural integrity of ice cream, okay, on a cone. Okay, if you're eating a cone, you need to lick around it to keep it standing tall. He can't quite work that out. Tries to lick the top, falls over.

So I was like, you know what, I'm taking that and finish the ice cream. Now I know that I'm not the only man to eat his way through the Easter show like this. I guarantee you, and I saw saw it there were dads everywhere walking around pulling those trolleys that had pre-made lunches and stuff in them for the kids and whatever but dad hoeing into a dagwood dog i got a jumbo dagwood dog my thing was fucking huge it was like that big how many inches well based off how many inches i, I would say it's similar to about 12, 13 inches. No.

I don't know. It was big. Full of batter. Full of tomo sauce. Do you know what? Sometimes you just need to treat yourself. I also had a hot dog that I've just remembered. Oh, fuck.

Anyway. All the vendors there are like, we've had record profits. I know. Jesus. Well, do you know who has a truck there? Chebo has a truck there. Who's that again? You know, we've had record profits. I know. Jesus. Do you know who has a truck there? Chebo has a truck there. Who's that again?

You know, Chebo does the burgers. Chebo. Yes. But I messaged him in the morning saying, I'm coming to see you. And he was like, batten down the hatches. We need more beef. I couldn't find him. So they're still in business. I'm just imagining like they do the parade of animals,

you know, because the cows are on show. I'm just sitting there with a knife and fork and a knife and a beer. It's just like you're like walking onto the pitch and they're like, who the hell is this guy? And you're just like gnawing on a live cow. Just working. I've got one for me and one for milk. Where's my prize, Daisy?

Yeah. I've got one for me and one for milk Where's my prize daisy? Yeah Anyway Other than that Easter show was very good, kids fell asleep in the car At the most awkward time on the way home So they were up all night

I'm so tired still, two days later That explains a lot But hey, from this moment on And again You don't need to fix anything. Nothing's broken. But you've had your fun. Now it's time to knuckle down. I know.

I'm getting fat shamed in my own house. No. No, not here. At home, I'm getting fat shamed. I'm glad you had fun. Honestly, the most fun I've had in a while. The food. Oh, I knew I was going to fail as soon as I walked in there.

Are you going back? And the first thing, I'm just going back for food. I'm going back for lunch. It's a good thing it's out at Olympic Park and not more local to where you are. Oh, I'm getting the food shipped over. Have Uber Eats. Hey, look, I'd love to get your opinion on this. Yep.

Because I feel like, well, based on how you feel about Christmas, I think you'll feel quite strongly about this date in particular. Easter. Easter. Yeah, okay. Which part of the four-day festival of chocolate do you hate? I just hate the whole fucking thing. Yeah, it's a bit like that.

This is very controversial. But, hey, I'm going to say it. I hate Easter. I applaud you. Takes a big man to admit that. I never used to hate Easter. You know, we've got to finish record early today because I've got an Easter hat parade.

Oh, that's ridiculous, but yes. I don't know if any of the early educators from my daycare are listening they may be i think it is a lovely gesture doing an easter hat parade and ours is better than the ones that other people do because previously you had to make your own easter hat that's the phase where I'm in. Yeah. And that's, and like. So you didn't have to make yours. No, thank God. They provided them. They make them, the kids make it and they'll lead up to,

which is just, that's how it should be done. I'm just trying to figure out how you hate it so much. Well, because I hate it because, well. April, the last two days has been harping on about making this Easter hat. Okay. At me, because apparently it's my fucking job to do so. I got all the materials. This morning I walked in.

Where did you get the materials from? Just from some shit $2 shop. And then I walked downstairs and she's got the super glue out. It's all over the table and her hand's stuck to the fucking table. Help! Just exactly. And she's stuck to the table and then stuck to her is like all this shit. And Oscar's trying to figure out what's going on.

But anyway. Well, that's the problem. I think parents have enough going on that the last thing they need to absolutely fucking unravel the week is the responsibility of making an Easter hat that's going to be on display for every other parent to fucking judge. You sound like you lost an Easter hat parade. So what we used to do at the old daycare is my sister,

who is very artsy and craftsy, we would have an Easter hat that would do the rounds. It was like a slut of an Easter hat. It went around every daycare. Everyone passed it around. Because they all went to different daycares. Yeah. So you could get away with it.

By the time we would get it though, it would be- Mankey. It was like, it had seen better days. It had been used and abused. April's friend used to make ours because she's real mumsy. What would you give her in return? What was her- Nothing.

She just loved it. That's weird. But she didn't do it this year and now I'm off it. Why? She's probably listening. So if you're listening- Get back to it. Next year, I want a couple of them.

Pronto. I just think it's- Okay, so the good thing about the Easter hat parade today is the fact that the kids have made it already. So we're coming in. We don't have to bring anything. But normally you're paying for daycare until like 5, 5.30. We've got to get there early.

We've got to get there early for the're going to get there early for the easter hat parade swindled you which the kids let's be honest they're all petrified walking out into like yeah the outside all the parents are there looking at them and it's not like you can be like oh that was a good parade see you kids see you in another two hours but then take you've got to take the kids so then all of a sudden you're doing like almost a half day of daycare. There's all these parents out there right now listening to you tell this story going, how fucking dare they? I'm glad someone's standing up for us. Enough's enough.

Cancel the Easter app parade. Jesus. Okay, then in addition to that, let's be honest. Easter long weekend is an absolute arsehole of a weekend. Oh, yeah. All of a sudden, the population grows by like three or four times. And everyone is like, oh, my God. Everyone's hopped up on chocolate.

We've got two extra days on the weekend. Let's pack up the car with every belonging that we have. Let's put the couch in there, the TV, the fishing rods. Where's Nana? Put her in the back as well. And let's drive three hours away because every distance. On the same. It's always somewhere between two and a half and three hours.

Traffic is an absolute bloody nightmare. Like the moment you leave your driveway, you're just in standstill traffic. What about those people who can't afford to go away, Matt? You better thank your lucky stars. You're the lucky one. You're the lucky ones. Traffic sucks. It's brutal.

It's a shit weekend. It's also, it's a religious weekend. What's your point? I'm not religious, except for that time my mum faked for me to be Catholic to get into that Catholic school. But that's the only time I've ever been religious. But then that's like, are we basing a whole weekend now around, one, something that doesn't exist?

Whoa. Whoa. Sorry, you got kids in the car. Jesus. Let me just do a little trigger warning here. The Easter Bunny, Matt, believe it or not. The Easter Bunny is written in the Bible. If he's pooping out chocolate eggs, there's something wrong with that bunny.

Yeah. The fact that kids aren't questioning. I don't know, man. I don't know. But yes. I'm essentially eating rabbit shit. I'm with you. I'm not as outspoken about Easter as I am with Christmas because I kind of just have

forgotten about it until the two or three days before it happens. Well, thank goodness. Also, I love chocolate. You do? And I guess hot cross buns, I think, are great. I think we should have hot cross buns 24- All year round. All year round.

I agree. Just the fruit ones or original? Have you had the chocolate one? I'll have choc chip, sure. No, full choc. Like a double choc? Yeah. No, I've had the chalk chip oh

i think they're a great thing when people complain that the hot cross buns have come out early i'm like why are we complaining about something good that's more accessible i don't know doesn't make any sense that's because people love to find things to complain about but yeah so i think from now on yeah from this moment on, we will no longer take trips away. During Easter. But also, I guess maybe this is adding to it, is the fact that Laura is leaving me this weekend. Is she going away?

She's going away. On her own? On her own. No kids. Easter weekend. She's going to Bali for a week for work. Divorce. For work. So she's for work. Divorce. For work.

So she's leaving me. Divorce. And, you know, I love having the kids on the weekend. It's great. I look forward to it. You sound like some sort of monster. I do enjoy it. But then come Sunday afternoon.

You're over it. I'm pretty excited to drop them off at daycare. Oh, yeah. Monday morning I'm like, adios. Yeah, it's freedom. This is all about me now. But to make matters worse, and I think this is what is the main issue here. Okay.

Daycare fees, you know, they're very expensive. Can I just put a trigger warning in front of what you're going to say? Because I know exactly what you're going to say. Because I think we whinged about this last year. The fact that we're paying for it. Yeah. The kids go on a Friday. I pay for that.

Both kids, Marley and Lola. And then Monday, public holiday, you still pay. You're paying for two kids to be at daycare. Oh, my God. But do you know what they say? At least we helped them make the Easter hats and you didn't. Shut up! I know.

I've seen- Do you know how many TikToks I've seen of people whinging about this? I want to get on that train. Get me in there. Get your phone out and just start talking to your phones. Yeah. Slip stream you in. Into the Easter hat. Everyone's like, Matty's standing up for us.

If you're listening and you own or run a daycare centre, give us a fucking break. Give us a day in lieu. Give us a day in lieu. Day in lieu. Open up on a Saturday or a Sunday and just give us one day back. Public holidays when you have kids in daycare are the fucking worst days of the year.

I get that they've still got to pay their staff for that day, though. No, they don't. Yeah, they do. Do they? They do. I will say once again to all the teachers who look after my kids, you're doing a great job and I really appreciate it. You're sending me broke.

No. Let's add that to the list of people who are going to be disgruntled by this podcast. Vets, dentists, rural doctors, and now daycare teachers. We're not going to be allowed in any daycare. Yeah, I know. But I haven't said anything. And also fans of Parramatta Eels.

Oh, yes. Them too. Who hate Ash Wicks. I've got many a death threat from Parramatta Eel fans. Ash, I am, of course, referring to the fact that you were a little joyous in the fact that Parramatta Eels have an injured player. I wasn't joyous. I just said you can thank us.

And then you did mainly see Eagle. I did an Eagle symbol and someone did send me a death threat and also a strongly worded email. People are very passionate about footy, Ash. Also, get a life, Louisa. People are very passionate about footy, Ash. Also, get a life, Louisa. But, yes, of course, Matt, and you can watch every game of every round on KO,

which at KO, everyone is welcome, of course, even if you only go for the team because they have the best mascot. Who do you think has the best mascot in the NRL? Who's your pick? Look, I think the most confusing mascot is the Storm. Oh, yeah, Storm is terrible. Terrible. How does that work? He's just a guy with a lightning bolt.

Wouldn't it be the Thunders? The Thunderbolts? I do like the bunnies. I do like the bunnies mascot. Russell Crowe. My favourite thing about going to Broncos games in Queensland, in Brisbane, was the fact they would have a horse. Yeah.

A horse up and down the sideline. Poor horse is probably petrified. Oh, yeah. He's like, what's all this noise? Send me to the glue factory. Okay, you're talking about Broncos like that. This weekend, Matt, is action packed. There's a lot going on.

So, get on board. What have we got? We've got the Japanese Grand Prix. That is going to be 3 p.m. Australian Eastern Standard Time. And with daylight savings ending on Sunday, which is the race day, it's going to be prime time for Aussies to watch that race. Not like the normal times you have to get up at all hours of the morning. It's a nightmare.

I just wouldn't do it. If you're not a true fan, like some of us. Like some of us, yes. Ash, there is also a massive weekend of NRL. Your beloved Manly. They are up against a formidable team. The reigning champions, Penrith Panthers. At least it'll be in 4K.

Yeah, I can watch my team get decimated in 4K. Good luck. I'm actually planning on going to that game with Oscar. It'll be his first ever game. In true Manly fashion, I want him to experience disappointment. We also have Broncos up against the Storm. The Broncos are looking good, but do you know who returns this week? Munster.

The King returns. He's back. The groin has repaired itself. I'll tell you right now, it looks good. We also have Cowboys versus Titans and the Raiders versus the Eels. And once again, Ash, all live and in 4K. And no ad breaks during play. Love that.

There is plenty on for everyone this week. So get on board with KO. It's now also available on Hubble. And they do, don't forget, have that seven-day free trial. Thank you for reminding us. Oh, good. Thank you for reminding us about Dallas. I think it's ending on Sunday.

Matt, something I do want to- I don't want to directly blame Marley, your eldest daughter, for something that now- You be very careful how you- That Oscar does. You word this sentence. It's not a direct blame because- I will climb over that table and- table No she is a bit of a nightmare

She's an enabler Enabler yeah Nightmare not so much She's lovely She's very sweet Much better I'm just going to shit sandwich this I've noticed that something Oscar has picked up

From someone I don't know if it's Marley I don't know if he's picked it up from Kindy No other kids that Oscar hangs out with directly do this. And we have spoken about it before, it's not a secret, that Marley sucks her thumb. Oh, she loves it. Oh, yeah.

It's advice for sure. So we did spend a week together on a cruise ship. We were every meal together, every day together, the kids all together, all the time. Oscar has never sucked his thumb ever. But since then, and I'm not directly blaming Marley. I think I blame Marley. You're blaming her?

Yeah. Okay, because I was just trying to be nice. This morning was the last draw because I was like, I've seen it from a distance. I thought nothing really too much of it. Like, okay, whatever. I do recall we were getting the taxi back to the airport and we're sitting there and he put his thumb in his mouth

and you were like, hey, what are you doing there, buddy? Get that thing out of there. It doesn't belong there. I feel like with Oscar, you know those friends that didn't do any drugs or like drink much alcohol in high school and they got to their 30s and then someone was like, hey, try a line of cocaine. Here's meth. Oh.

We didn't go for anything real PG there. We went for the hard stuff. And they just go off the rails. And it's when they get a taste of the good stuff. That's Oscar for sure. Oscar is essentially a 30-year-old who's now smoking meth. Yeah, me and Oscar. Yeah.

So thanks for that. Lola's addicted to the dummy. Yeah. Marley's addicted to the sometimes. This may be bad, but if she's really upset, I'm like, just suck your thumb. Just suck. And then she's like, oh, that's better.

It calms her right down. Just suck your thumb. Yeah, and she's like, oh, that's right. It's this guy. You mentioned addiction to dummy, which is not an obscure addiction. Like there's lots of kids out there that have to have their dummy. My kids have never had that. But Macy's picked up something that is, I'll call it an addiction.

But it's only an addiction because we enabled it and we started it. So Eclipse Mints. You. mints. You... You love a mint. I do. Can I just inform the listeners that whenever we go out with Ash is his phone, his wallet and a sack of mints. It's like a drug bag full of mints. It looks like pills. But we have them in the car all the time.

And, April, you think I love Eclipse mints. The missus, she bloody loves them. So we have them in the car, and I think one day Macy was like, I want one. They're sugar-free. Whatever, okay, just shut her was like, I want one. It's sugar-free. Whatever. Okay. Just shut her up.

We gave her one. And, you know, it was nothing. It was nothing. It was harmless. It turned out to be a gateway. But, like, we were giving them to her when she would be like, I want one and to keep the peace. And it keeps her occupied because she holds it and she just sucks it for ages.

Kind of like stuck it on a finger that dissolves. Imagine if Marley's finger dissolved. Anyway, sorry. Don't need that kind of stress in my life. Sorry. Anyway, so it started like that. And then when we went away the other day to, when we went on that cruise, we up we stayed somewhere so for that whole

time it became something that she used we would use also to distract her kind of like a bribe but distracting it will keep her quiet for like 10 minutes or something like that and one turned into having to double fist it having two oh god was just like, oh, this is on holiday. Do you ever worry that other people would look at her and be like, is that kid double fisting two Eclipse mints? Mind your business. That's what I say. Anyway, yeah, so I was like, this is a holiday thing.

Yeah, it's fine. This is fine. Holidays, rules go out the window. Whatever keeps kids happy. She's like a crack addict now. Yeah. Think about any drug addict activity they would do, other than sucking dick in a bathroom.

Sorry. So, I've hidden them. She finds them. Because they rattle as well. It's like she'll be upstairs and I'll rattle the mint. I don't have any on me. It's the first time in my life I haven't had any mint. Because, mate, she's taking them all.

We're out of mints. But, like, what she'll do, I'll hear the little kid's chair because she can't lift it up, so she's got to push it along the tiles. It makes that. I'll hear it from upstairs. I'll be like, are you fucking serious? And I'll go downstairs and she's in a random cupboard on the kitchen bench, flinging things around, trying to find the mints.

And if she doesn't get one, how does she react? She's like, just give us one more, man. Last time I swear to God I'll quit, I'll go cold turkey. So we've actually had to remove all the mints out of the house because she can't have one, she has to have two. She hears it, she's like, I'm going to try two she hears it she's like i'm gonna try and get some footage for those of you uh listening at home if she sees the mint packet and you don't give her one all hell breaks loose she's like screaming stamping first of all she does this

thing where she goes like that like she's sad. And she goes. It's like the cycle of grief. Yeah, literally the cycle of grief. Then she comes to acceptance. She's like, why am I accepting this? I've got it my whole life. Then anger. Then anger.

Then back to sadness. But she is a crack addict for Eclipse Mint. And we are to blame for that. I think in terms of addictions, it's not the worst one to have out there. The only problem is the side of the packet says, excess consumption can cause a laxative effect. Well, I mean, how long is a piece of string? Right?

Very good point. Like, can you be a bit more specific? How many does she need? Yeah like what are we talking She's pretty constipated all the time So maybe she needs more How many days is she having do you think on average? On a weekend Weekends must be

Weekends must be On a Friday and Saturday night She's binging I would say she has about six eclipments a day Far out Day in day out Okay Judge me if you will.

I will. I will. The meltdown's not worth it, though. Okay. The path of least resistance. I know. Anyway, speaking of meltdowns, let's go into our favourite segment. It's the final meltdown The final meltdown

Matt, would you like to go first? I'll go first. I will just take this opportunity, and sorry it's taken me so long to say this. You've trimmed your moustache and it looks great. So, Ted, this one's from Ali Pitchford. Pitchford. Sounds made up, but yep. I've never met a Pitchford before.

Is she Pitchford? Don't pitch back, pitch forward. Not my child, but my niece fell over at a family gathering and she cut her knee open. Oh. Shame. Me, naturally being the nurse of the family, cleaned her knee and put a Band-Aid on.

She then started crying hysterically. This is the child, not Ali. When I asked her why she was still crying, she said, I want my blood back from the wipe I used to clean her knee. That's tricky. That's tricky. I was going to say, what are you going to do whenever the kids fall over? Don't react.

Just let them bleed out. Just let them bleed out, you reckon? Unless it's life-threatening or it requires stitches, just look the other way. You'll be right. Don't even, I wouldn't even like. Just let them bleed out, you reckon? Yeah.

One less mouth to feed, I say. The moment you react, the moment you give them any attention, they milk it. I know. I've told this story before that when this kid fell down the stairs where I used to work and the dad was like, I was like, are you going to attend to that kid? And he was like, nope.

He was fine, thankfully. How many stairs did he fall down? I can't quite remember. It was a lot. It's a whole story. He fell down four stories of stairs. It was just like 15, 20, 30 steps. No, it was like 10 steps.

All right, I'm going to give you my one, Matt, now that we've laughed that off. Now, this one is from Holly. Just bear with me because you know how good I am at reading. And she already warned us that this is a bit of a brain... I shouldn't laugh. How's this for a brain bender? My three-year-old son wanted to eat some banana bread but didn't want it in his belly.

Idiot. What do you think you're going to do with it? Nightmare. Matthew, should we do some questions? I think we should do some questions. And considering I'm holding the iPad, I might as well just go first. What better time than now to have you ask me a question? So, Matt, this is from Lisa.

Having two girls, did you or your wife have gender disappointment? I'm struggling with this big time. Personally, I don't know what this is because I have one of each. All right, you fucking legend. Just rub it in my face. I can go shallow and deep. I wouldn't know what that feels like because I've got one of both and I'm such a good dad and my sperm are great

because they give me one of each. Well, actually, right now they're not so great because they're- Gone. A bit tied up. Actually, I was thinking about getting rid of my testicles altogether. I don't need them anymore. What else do they do? Just hurt whenever my kid head butts it because he's a perfect ballsack height.

If you get rid of them, I would like just one, please. You can have both. If there's any doctors right now. What are you going to do, pickle them? Just be nice to have it in a jar. Wouldn't it be? It's like, what's that? That's ashes nuts. Yeah, your wife would be like, this them? Just be nice to have it in a jar. Wouldn't it be? It's like, what's that?

That's ashes nuts. Yeah, your wife would be like, this is what they're supposed to look like. I did. I did have a bit of gender disappointment. I will say, I will caveat this answer with the fact that I do love my girls. I'm extremely happy. I wouldn't change my life with two daughters for any amount of money or anything in the world. You did try and steal my son.

Oops. That was a moment of weakness on my behalf. I love being a girl dad. I think it's great. But at the time. Issue was both Marley and Lola. I think I think it's great. But at the time... Issue was, both Marley and Lola, I think I said it many times, we didn't know the sex of our child

and we found out we were surprised at birth, which for me, I'm not into. I think that's a terrible thing to do. Oh, I didn't do it. I think childbirth is amazing enough that you don't need the added surprise of like, what's it going to be? It's probably going to be a baby.

Yeah, you don't need that. Laura was like, there's absolutely no way that I'm going to find out. I want to find out in the moment, in the delivery room, as soon as that baby comes out. That's not for me either. And I'm like, but just I didn't want to argue with her because I was like, hey, you're going through a lot more than i am right now so if that if that's going to make you happy fine so be it i'm not going to push back if we have a third there's

absolutely no way we're not going to find out i want to do like you want to do it like a gender reveal with a card ring of burnout and whether it's pink smoke or blue classic that's how i want it to happen absolutely beautifulodore? Absolutely. Nice. Beautiful. And then with Marley, I was having these vivid dreams, vivid dreams of playing with my son, what I thought was going to be my son. Did you hear that, Marley? You arsehole.

And as well, everyone was looking at Lauraura looking at the shape and going that's a boy the way that it's sitting love that shit people fucking i fucking hate that so much also what i hated is when people would say oh what are you having i don't know a fucking baby you idiot the fucking dog comes out of there well this, this is awkward. It's a cat. Yeah, yeah. So in the moment, Ash, when Marley was born, and I also thought it was like the movies, it would play out where the doctor would announce to the room in a loud voice, congratulations, it's a boy or it's a girl.

I thought that's how it happened. Isn't that how it happens not for us bro i don't know because i found out early yeah oh of course i found out immediately so when marley came out i kind of looked at the obstetrician and i was like so what is it and he goes it's a baby dummy and i and i kind of said like well you know when's he's he going to clear his throat and announce it to the room? It's so drum roll, please. Is that what you were expecting?

Yeah. When are the trumpets going to start playing? Are the drummer boys going to come out now or later? Where's the parade? Yeah. Where's the parade? This. Where's the parade? This doesn't seem right. And he just goes, oh, you can take a look.

And so there was this kind of awkward moment where Laura was holding Marley. Like, you know, she's crying. Flip her around. She's crying, holding, you know, our firstborn child. And I was kind of like grabbing her leg, like lifting it up to see what it was. Like you do with a dog? Yeah. And if I'm being really honest, there was a split second moment

where I was like, oh, it's a girl. Like it just wasn't what I was expecting. Right. And there was this, and I hate the fact that there was this split second. Of disappointment. Disappointment, I there was this split second. Of disappointment. Disappointment, I guess, is not. You can say disappointment. Yeah, I think surprise is more.

I think naturally. It's not like, it doesn't have to be like a devastating disappointment. It's like you can't, sometimes you can't control what your brain's thinking. Well, I just, it is disappointment. That disappointment in that moment didn't live beyond. It was a second of like, well, this isn't what I was planning. It was like ordering a steak and the chicken comes and you're like, I think there's been-

Very big difference, Matt, because you can send that back. I tried. Get back in there. Laura was like, what are you doing? And it happened a little bit second time around with Lola. The same thing? Yeah, it was another surprise. But did you feel the same?

There was a split second moment where, you know, I think I did want a boy. I did want a boy. And people always say, oh, it's the dream to get one of each. You know, you're like, then you're done. You've got a boy, you've got a girl, like job done, happy days. And then I was like, oh, I've got two girls. And Laura and I at this stage kind of had spoken about maybe we'll just have two. So then there was this, again, split second moment where I was like,

oh, this wasn't what I expected. And then I kind of thought as well in that moment, maybe I'll never have a boy. Go deeper. I expected and then I kind of thought as well in that moment maybe I'll never have a boy go deeper sorry sorry I couldn't help myself are you fucking right yeah I know okay okay oh yeah so like you're at the moment you're at a crossroads is that what you're trying to tell me yeah but then people don't want to talk about gender disappointment because it sounds so utterly selfish. It does.

In that moment. It does. And honestly, I could imagine that you would feel somewhat ashamed even though you shouldn't. Totally. You've just experienced one of the most amazing moments in life and the fact that you should have any emotion that's not just pure elation you're an arsehole yeah well it's not true though now that i have macy i've

got a girl and and a boy again i'll remind you i have a girl i had the boy but then it was like we found out it was going to be a girl really, really early on. And what was your reaction in that moment? I think I was just going to be happy either way. But now, like, Macy's the best. She's a bit cheeky. You didn't have preference on two boys? I didn't want a house full of boys. No way.

So do you think you would, okay, do you think then, let's hypothetical, if Macy was a boy, do you think there would have been disappointment in that moment? No. Knowing that you don't want to have a house full of boys? I don't think so. It is what it is. Fair enough.

But I would have never gone for a third. Never, ever, ever. If you only had that feeling for such a minute moment, is it gender-based, you having a third or not? If you had another girl, how do you feel then? I think I'd be fine with i think some people do have a like preconceived idea of what their family is going to be like and when you it doesn't play out i think it's really difficult for those people to digest it do you think they might feel like they're never they're not content i do think that

people may feel like they've missed out. Okay. Which is a normal feeling to have. Do you think that your discussions with Laura about having a third revolve around gender or the fact of having a third? No, I'm pretty content now. I am very much at peace with the fact that I may not have a boy. That's totally fine because I'll be honest,

I look at little boys and I'm like, they're so grubby and naughty and loud all the time. Oscar's great, by the way. That's not directed at him. All of a sudden he's well behaved. I don't know how it happened. I think if I was to have three girls, like perfect. I almost think that would be great because, A,

I've got like all the toys that are very like girly i've got all the clothes already like you've got practice you know you've already got practice girl girls are great yeah girls i absolutely love being a girl dad if i had a boy that'd be great as well but the fact that we're discussing a third it's not because i feel like there's a missing piece of the puzzle yeah do you think the listener's struggling with it because they're discussing a third and that she really yeah i i think i know there feel like there's a missing piece of the puzzle. Do you think the listener is struggling with it because they're discussing a third and she really was? Yeah, I think. I know there are some dads that I've spoken to that are absolutely devastated that they don't have a boy.

For someone who's discussing and still on the fence about having a third, you've got two girls. Would you give her any advice? You've got two girls. Would you give her any advice? I think if you are having another child purely with the hope that you're trying to get a certain sex, I think that would be the wrong reason to have another child. That's pretty valid. I think because there's such a high chance of being disappointed.

I think you should want to have a child because you want to have another family member in the mix, not because you feel like you're trying to get that missing piece of the puzzle based on it being a boy or a girl. Because then think of the – I can't imagine the disappointment again. Again, yeah. The thing to remember is, though, if you are experiencing gender disappointment, it's so important to talk about it and know that this isn't going to impact your ability to be a good parent or how much you're going to love your child? Talk to a professional, I would say.

That's what I would do. Not us. Here's another childbirth question, Ash. Oh, yeah. Would you still have children if you were a woman and you had to go through all the process of like- Absolutely not. I'm just going to flat out say it.

Men are not strong enough. We honestly, I get the sniffles and I'm fucking down like a fucking bag of shit. I remember being about- Have you ever pushed out a really big poo, Matt? Think about that. Awful. Bit of relief afterwards, which I guess the feeling- The euphoria.

Yeah, the euphoria of pushing out a baby would be nice to experience that. No. So I remember my older sister, we must have been like six and seven, maybe like seven and eight. We're really young. And she was like, hey, I just found something in mom's closet. Watch this. Ew.

And I was like, what have we got? And she was like, think we like waited till mom was out the video that my sister had found was a woman giving birth and it was an educational video where somebody was just narrating like exactly what was happening was it david attenborough i remember watching this video and i was like, oh, my. It was full on. It was very graphic. And I remember in that moment thinking, I am so glad that I never have to experience anything that remotely relates to this right now.

But it's beautiful. It is beautiful. Man. Oh, we couldn't do it. Men cannot do that. Let's just thank our lucky stars that not you, not me, not any man out there has to go through childbirth because the human race would last like-

30 seconds. Yeah. The first cold and flu. Just the earth stops spinning. Fighting for our lives. Very quickly, Ash. You better be quick. You know I'm quick, mate.

Daddy's hungry. Better not be six or seven minutes. God. This will be two minutes. Okay. We asked last week, the very good listeners of this show, what are some disasters that have stopped them from going out? We did.

We got some great responses. We sure did. I will just highlight a few of my favourite. Ash, these are disasters that have stopped parents going out and socialising. One here is. My baby removed their nappy and smeared their shit all over the wall. Classic. That's a classic one.

There is so much shit-related disasters here. Oh, I bet. Shit seems to be the main one. For example, one twin fed the other his shit. Perfect. That kind of did me in for the day. Another one here, a daughter split their head open and had to go to hospital as they were about to leave for a wedding.

Oh, fuck. That would have ruined the wedding. One more here, Ash. One of my favourites. They found their toddler in the toilet bowl, just playing in the toilet water. Submerged. Inside the bowl.

There you go. No, was not submerged. I was going to say. Baby was fine. Okay. Baby was fine. Baby above the water, sitting in their toilet bowl, just splashing around.

Yes. Having a great time. And these answers are great. They are great. Because they have got the creative juices flowing right now. My juices are flowing. Pulsating, if you will. Get them up.

And it's good to know there's other parents out there, Ash, that are struggling with the fact that it's hard to go out and socialise once you've had kids. It is. If you want to go out and socialise without them, even with them, but without them, it's near impossible. Near impossible. And we thought, wouldn't this be a great topic?

It is a great topic it is a great topic for a story one quest might they say not just any quest it would be a quest for kids would it be to read at night time oh yes okay i'm with you what we're trying to say is we're writing a kid we are yes we are right we're writing a kid's book. We are, yes. We are writing. We're writing a kid's book. Yes. And thanks to you because we didn't have no idea what to write until you sent us all these, which keep them coming. I mean, keep them coming.

So we've only just started. Yours might end up in a book. I don't know. We do nothing original around here. What we need is for you to do the work for us. Yes, thank you. So we are writing a kid's book. Not a word has been written so far.

But hang on a minute. We're going to write it. We're writing it. You and me. You and me both. Soon to be published authors. Who's going to publish us? Just when you thought that you've had enough of Matt Nash,

we're now creeping into your bedtime routine with your kids. Now creeping into your bedroom. Yeah. Your kid's bedroom. Nope. Who would have thought? Back it up. Back it up.

Not what we mean. When will the story be written? We don't know when. But we're working on it. We're working on it. We're working on it. Time is of the essence when you have kids. Yeah.

We're busy men. But honestly, how hard can it be? Let's not insult those. I'm not. Look, this is a Matt comment. I have nothing to do with this one. How hard could it be to write a kid's book? And on that note, let's get out of here.

Yes, it's been a long, long. Arduous. Arduous. Very informative episode. And if you have enjoyed it, please share it with someone. And please leave us a review. Leave us a little star review And if you have enjoyed it, please share it with someone. And please leave us a review. Leave us a little star review if you like. And we will actually just before we go,

we will say that we have been dropping bonus episodes kind of randomly on a Monday every now and then, like one or two a month. We will now after the Buckleys. So this week there's obviously no bonus episode, but next week we will have a bonus episode. So every fortnight on Monday we will be speaking to a mum or a dad. Yep. So if you have anyone you would like us to speak to,

please send us through your suggestions and we'll do our best to make that work. And don't send a suggestion saying, you should speak to John. Like, just give us someone we, people know. We will acknowledge that a lot of people have asked for our wives. Yeah. We're working on that. Hey, brush her a couple of glasses of wine and she's in. Perfect.

We'll get her plastered. But also, she's anyone's. That's it for me. That's it. Thanks. We'll get out of here. Okay, see you. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.