Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #59 What A Clusterfluck Of A Week

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

Big breath in, big breath out! Matt is solo parenting this week, and the kids are running an absolute muck while Mum is away. Lola's 3 AM wake-up calls have left Matt sleep-deprived, causing accidental moments like reaching for two-week-old milk for breakfast 🤮 Ash, on the other hand, is running after Macy, who's escaped to a place he can't go. Meanwhile, his son Oscar has a black eye, and you'll never guess how it happened...  We share your best Toddler Meltdown stories and have a crack at answering your listener questions:  What's one thing you wish your wife understood more? How do you cut a toddler's hair? Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on Once more you open the door and you and you hear in my heart will go on laughter

laughter wow you are a strange cat I know. Welcome back to Two Goating Dads. I'm Matty J. I'm Ash.

I think. This is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the bad. And the relatable. And if you've come wanting any advice, stop right now. It's not going to happen. Not today. Beat it.

Not next week. Not the week after. It's never going to happen. It happened. On the bonus episodes, it happened. It happens, but not from us, from the other guests. Essentially, we're just a vessel. Two men, one of whom finished school, got a terrible, terrible result.

Oh, didn't you ever. You didn't finish school, did you? I left school at 15, it shows. Can't read, can't write. Can't talk. Just old school salesman, that's what I am. Come out of school and I'm like, hey, hey, hey. What do you want to buy? What price are you looking at? Before we do get into it, Matt, we need to mention our

friend Stonewood. Yes. And today we are drinking a Pacific Ale. Okay. It's Byron Bay in a bottle, Matthew. It is from Byron Bay, hence the name. Let me just, one second. Have a sip. Let me know what you think. Just as delicious as it always is. Let me have a go. They're yet to disappoint. It's home on the Pacific Ocean, where it gets its Pacific Ale name.

And do you know what you can taste in there? Hang on one second. One more sip. One more? When you're not thinking about it, it's easy to miss. But when you are thinking about it it's easy to miss but when you are thinking about it the galaxy hops oh fresh from tasmania those they are coming through strong leaves those floral aromas it's nice and fruity it they just make great beer and we thank

them as always for making this episode possible i've booked in a trip have you? in May to Byron Bay wow may you enjoy yourself I cannot wait to go to the brewery yeah I haven't been in a long time and I guarantee you my friend

that when you go on this trip and you go to the brewery you will see my face there well I hope we have threatened that sort of thing before I'm going to weasel my way into this trip. Well, yeah, my trip is for my brother's 40th birthday.

Ah, well. Which includes. Me. Podcast hosts as well. I have to apologize before we continue anymore, Ash, because it's happened, mate. We got struck by it bad last year to the point where. We nearly had to cancel the show.

We were almost just going to pull the pin on Two Doting Dads because just- Two Dying Dads. It was week in, week out. We were just getting hit left, right, and center with all types of ailments. And I remember we did that episode and I was just profusely sweating. I was like, how are you going? I'm Darren Lockyer. Welcome to Two Doting Dads.

It wasn't just the flu, though. It was like any kind of orifice. We had hemorrhoids. I had hemorrhoids. We had mouth ulcers. We had kidneys were sore. I shit myself a heap of times. Yeah, people don't tell you about running a podcast

about the health issues that come as a result. Yeah, yeah. Good thing we've got workers' comp. But, man, I'm sick at the moment. You don't sound better than you did yesterday. You're a little bit snuffly, but that's to be expected. Do you know why it's not hitting as hard? I'll tell you.

No, you tell me. You tell me why. So, at the moment, Laura is away. Oh, of course. Gallivanting. Between the boozy lunches April's having and the trips Laura's having, we might as well move in together. Two gay dads.

I thought you'd never ask. And I FaceTimed her the other day. She is working over there. She's working very hard. Working on her tan. But I FaceTimed her. Mate, literally FaceTimed her. Guess where she was?

Next to the pool. By the pool. Gin and tonic in hand. And she was like, it's between meetings. And I was like, sure. I was in a quick meeting with Sir Gin and Sir Tonic. I was like, her and her sister, obviously her business partner, for those of you who don't know, just having a bloody lovely time,

sipping gin,Ts by the pool. Aren't they just? Part of the reason why it's not hit me as hard is because I've got like the mum shield. Yeah, okay. Because they just get on with it. They just get on with it. I drop in one or two degrees in temperature and I'm like,

fatten down the hatches. Yeah, bedridden. I'm hedging to bed. Yeah. So I've got like the mum shield which is deflecting i'm running at like half capacity right now and i've got both kids nana is also away she's gallivanting too the women in my life have deserted me back to vegas let's go i know they go on to the days of us having a hell time so i'm looking after both kids i will say the trip that we had on the cruise ship, that has helped me a great deal in just making Lola not think I'm a piece of shit.

Yeah, you bonded. Yeah. And now that Laura's out of the mix, she's come back to the dark side. This morning was a little bit tricky, though. This morning was a bit of a clusterfuck, if I may say that. Go for it. What happened? Well, the girls have, over the last few nights,

because Laura's been gone for a little while now, Laura's been waking up at like 2 o'clock-ish, wants a warm water. That's her jam. She gets the warm water in a baby bottle to go back to sleep. And then when I give it to her, she's like, I want to cuddle. As a man who's been neglected by their child for a long period of time, who am I to knock back a cuddle?

You're like, did you say cuddle? She's like, no. I'm like dragging her into my bed. She's like, leave me alone. But I bring her into my bed, And then Marley will then wake up. Realize that she's not there. Because they share a room, right? They share a room.

How is the bunk beds going just really quickly? Great. Yeah, might have to get some. Absolutely fantastic. Highly recommended. Although I don't need Macy running around as well in the middle of the night. She's bad news. I would keep the cot for as long as you can.

Yeah. But when it's time to bunk beds. Even the lid? I keep the lid on it? No, I mess with it. You got me. No, just lock her in there. But Marley will wake up and then she comes into our bed.

And then I've got both girls in the bedroom. Issue is, kind of wake each other up. And then they start chatting as well. What are they chatting about? Just like, I don't know. Marley woke up this morning and was talking about daycare she was just like well today's gonna be a pretty big day because we're making these cards and lola was like yeah right how many cards are you making the scheduling in meeting dude it was five in the morning and i was like oh she marley was like well i'm up now and i'm like no it's it's not it's in

the middle of the night yeah because it's like right at the cusp of like the end of Daylight Savings 2 so it's so dark that's right I was like you've got to go back to sleep I was like please come on and do you know what she said

sleeping's boring she says that now but when you get older you're like i wish i could get more sleep it's not boring it's the best so our day started at five o'clock this morning and we had two bottles of milk in the fridge i used up one on the girls breakfast i then had the freshie the fresh bottle you know sometimes things happen where it doesn't register that that's a problem and it's an issue. It's after the fact that you're like, oh, yeah, I should have known.

But I opened the milk and it was like I was opening a bottle of Coke. It went. The milk you fed the kids? No, because they had the bottle that was finished, that was already opened. Okay, yeah. So I opened the fresh bottle. You never buy two at a time, for starters.

That was my mistake. Your milk management. Terrible. Terrible. You've either got too much or not enough. So you had some carbonated milk for breakfast. And it didn't register until I was almost like, I was so tired and I had one mouthful and I had the second one.

Oh! And it was so fucking, it was two weeks off. Oh my God. Was it clumpy? Not clumpy. I was in the sink vomiting. And Marley and Lola were like, can you keep it down? The release of gas is definitely a giveaway.

If you're opening up milk. You got some milk on your lips. So that's how my morning started. With the carbonated milk. Oh, how are you feeling now? Yeah, good. You just got it straight out. I vomited it all up.

Straight out. You're like, that's a spicy cow. Honestly, bad milk. There's nothing worse. Putrid. And it's a shame because, you know, normally I'm a guy who likes milk. I don't just like milk. How good is a glass of milk?

I love it. You're a horse now. Milk is doing all sorts of things. I know. The mention of a full glass of milk, you're like, eww. But it's such a shame when something that normally brings you so much joy ends up.

And then it takes forever to go back to it. One time I got sick from a sweet and sour pork and barley, but I pooped myself at a restaurant. I love how you almost tried to pull out of that story. I was like, too much? No. And it dripped down the chair. It took me two years to eat sweet and sour pork again

because of the fear that I might poop and drip down the chair again. Two years to eat sweet and sour pork again because of the fear that I might poop and drip down the chair again. And after the milk incident, Lola's got this weird addiction that's just kind of crept up. Is it eclipse mints? No. No. How's that going, by the way? Well, we ran out. And we hadn't got to the shop.

Cold turkey. Because the day we ran out happened to be Good Friday. Everything's closed. And I'm not paying petrol station money, Mince. I don't have that sort of cash. Well, it's not Mince for Lola. It's Band-Aids. They love Band-Aids.

Don't they? What the fuck is wrong with them? And to be fair, she had cut her little nick previously. What did you cut it with? It's those stairs outside. They're a bloody killer. Little nick on the foot put a bandaid on it

problem solved but now every morning she's been waking up and she's like could you put a bandaid on me could you and I'm like

what do you want like 2000s Nelly and he had one on his face I'm like where you should show her that photo of 2000s Nelly and see if she mimics it. No, because then that's what she'll start wanting.

At the moment, it's anywhere from the hips down. So sometimes she's like, yeah, give me an upper thigh. Other times it's a knee. Just anywhere? At the moment, she's really into putting band-aids on the big toe. Yeah? How long does she leave it on there for? Sometimes it's moments.

Like she just wants it on there for like a split second, and then she's like, take it off. Other times this morning, she had five band-aids on her legs and I sent her out the door. What's kindy going to think? Is everything okay at home? Yeah, I'm about to get welfare checked. No, I hate that guy. But just absolutely loves it. And also, as a single parent now, if that's going to keep him happy, I don't care. I want to ask you one thing though. I'd love to know your thoughts on this situation. Go. Who is entitled to the toothpaste

in this situation? One of you is going away. You and your partner. One of you is going away. Do you keep the toothpaste at home or does a person who's going away get to take the toothpaste with them? You haven't thought about getting two toothpastes. We're not made of money. How many bathrooms have you got? Fifteen bathrooms. We have three bathrooms.

You have three bathrooms. Look, when you say it. Oh, my God. That's two more than a regular man. When Laura left for Bali. She took a bathroom with her She's taking the toothpaste Yeah that's not So who gets the toothpaste?

I think she's entitled to taking it As long as there's one left at home For general use I'm using kids toothpaste I have noticed on the bench over there There's all new toothpastes Yeah I've stuck that So was she taking the kids toothpaste?

But there is one Well no because I've been using the kids toothpaste Yeah it's so yummy. I always use it when I get home pissed and our toothpaste is in the other bathroom. I don't want to wake anyone up. I'm like brushing my teeth with a tiny little toothbrush. I'm like. I wonder where Maisie gets her mint addiction from.

Yeah, yeah. But look, I think she should get her own. She's going to the airport. There's going to be a chemist at the airport. Also, get a travel size one on the way to the airport. What do you want to lug around a big toothpaste tube like a freak? Less risk of it exploding in your bag because that happened to me. Didn't explode on the way to Vegas.

It was pushed open and it filled up the bottom of a bum bag, like a dad bum bag that we use. Nightmare. Filled it up and I found myself scrubbing out a bum bag in Vegas. It's like, I'm meant to be having a good time. Here I am, hands and knees. Licking a bum bag. Licking a bum bag.

On my hands and knees. Someone was a bum bag. Licking a bum bag. On my hands and knees. Someone was like, do you have any toothpaste? I'm like, yeah, just folded the bag inside out. I was like, just wipe your toothbrush on this. And worst case scenario is you use it all over there, you come home with less things. Fuck, you're a smart man. There you go.

Beautiful. For more travel tips, please. But yeah, I think you've been left in the lurch there thank you I don't like that and I'll have a stern word to her please

you know one of the best feelings in the world Ash give it to me straight big man being welcomed being welcomed with open arms doesn't matter where I am

if I'm being welcomed I'm going to stick around I'm going to have fun that reminds me Ash at KO everyone is welcome. Even if you think a sin bin is something you find in a church. Wow. That dad joke.

Yes, Matt. And on KO, there is heaps of action this weekend. We've got NRL, of course, your mighty Broncos. They're versus the Dolphins. Another local derby. No ad breaks in play. We've also got the Rabbitohs versus the Sharks. Wouldn't happen to be in 4K, is it?

It is in 4K, and it's exclusive to Fox League, available on KOB. And let's not forget about the AFL, Ash. We do have a great game. Fierce rivals, the beautiful Brisbane Lions versus Melbourne. They're going to face off to start round six. And GWS come up against a good challenge against St. Kilda as they fight to stay in the top eight. Now, arguably also the biggest event in UFC history is happening on the weekend.

Is it? It's UFC 300. Oh, wow. It's a round number. It's Pereira versus Hill, okay? 12 current or former champions that will feature at the historic event. You can order exclusively on main event with KO Sport. No KO subscription is needed.

And before we go, a little reminder as well that we do have Suncorp Super Netball, the SSN. I've been in it lately. Have you? Yeah. Have you? Yeah. I could see in it lately. Have you? Yeah. Have you? Yeah. I could see you playing netball. I love how it's these sports that you grew up with playing in the winter

and watching your sisters or your cousins or your family members playing netball. Now you can watch it on TV. It's great. I can't wait until Marley and Lola get to enjoy netball. Make sure they cut their nails. It's one thing I know. The new season kicks off this weekend with defending champs Adelaide Thunderbirds.

It's their first title defense against the Firebirds. And the newest team, the Mavericks face off against new crosstown rivals Melbourne Vixens. Just remember there's plenty of room for everyone. So get on board with KO. Now also available on Hubble. Where do I start, Matt? Where do I start? And? Where do I start? And actually, you might relate to this because you have two girls.

I have one. Toilets in public. Okay. Now, hear me out. Yeah. I was at the shops with Macy and Oscar. It was after kindy. I thought I'd do April a favor and get them out of the house

so she could get the house in order. Right? Take them down to the shop. There's a little playground at the shop there right near a bathroom. Oscar goes, I need to wee. I'm like, sweet, no worries. And because it's just me, I've got to take all the kids. I can't leave a two-and-a-half-year-old just in the playground on their own.

I've got to pack the whole family up and go to the bathroom and thankfully shopping centers that have the kids' room. Beautiful. We come out. Macy takes off into the women's bathroom. Now, I don't know if you've noticed, Matt. Did she, Ash? Oh, no, Macy.

I've got to come and collect you. Macy's like, what the? What are you doing? Has anyone seen my daughter in the cubicles? And I don't know if you know this, Matt, but I am a man, not a woman. Hang on a second. No, shocker. I had my suspicions.

Yes. And my first thought is, fuck, I've got to chase Macy. But then I saw that there's a big women's sign. My first initial thought is, what do I do here? And it's very busy. It's Thursday afternoon before a long weekend, so there's people getting their shit for the weekend together. Macy's taking off.

Yes. I've just gone in after her. That's a dilemma. It's a dilemma. She's running amok in this women's bathroom. You can hear it. And I'm like, hello. And I hear this noise.

Whose kid's this? I was just like, oh, fucking hell. So I'm in the bathroom. Okay, hang on. Is Oscar on your hip? Oscar's right behind me in tow. A child on your hip is the best sign of like, I'm not a threat to anyone.

Oscar was like really close in tow. And I was actually, I actually used Oscar as the sacrificial lamb. I was like, go and find your sister. He's like, bro, I'm four. He's like, this is a you problem, bro. I'm going back to the playground. I'm old enough. I did go into a point where you could see where they wash their hands,

like it's a zoo, where women wash their hands. And I was like, this is as far as I could go. She's taken off into the stall somewhere. And I'm like, Oscar, go find her. To the point where I was like i was like go find your sister and then i think the me raising my voice at my child someone was like you don't want to start shouting you don't want to be a man shouting in the woman's toilet someone was like uh is this yours and it was macy and i was like thank god she'd gone all the way to the end. But I was staring down the barrel of like, am I going to have to check all the stalls in a women's bathroom?

And thankfully not. But Oscar did have to do a couple of laps up and down, but not have to do it again. I think you're well in your right. I didn't know. It's never happened to me before. To come in and be like, I'm a dad. Don't be threatened by my presence in here.

Do you know what we need? Like an ID. Like, you know what we need like a i can i can id like you know when you go to a crime scene you're like matt johnson like dad badge fbi dad badge i could be like ash dad badge i am not a sexual predator do not be alarmed by my presence in here dad badge continue your pisses and shits i am am looking for a daughter. By the way, it stinks in here. Do you remember being a youngster and I don't know if you ever went to like after school care and you go into girls' toilets and it was just a different world.

It was like being on another planet. Yeah, they had music. It was so much nicer. Yeah, I know. Were you a bit like, I wouldn't mind getting comfy in here? Yeah, I was. Yeah, I did. I don't know. Were you a bit like, I wouldn't mind getting comfy in here? Yeah, I was. Yeah. I did.

I took a shit. No, but it was like, I'd never experienced that situation before. I don't know how many of the listeners have had that happen to them, but you don't know what the etiquette is. That's what I'm trying to say. I know that this will not be allowed. You can't jerk off in there, Matt. You can't jerk off in there Matt A man can dream

It's like dad badge Where are your kids? Over Why are you sweating? No I think it should be allowed My biggest gripe Ash

It's not your biggest gripe It's a bigpe. I've never opened up about this before. Okay. You've got a fear of women's bathrooms. It sucks having to take my girls into a men's bathroom. Where there's no option for the kids room? Where there's no kids room. And men's bathrooms are disgusting. That place is hell. Can I suggest something to you? Disabled.

I encourage it, please. And it's frowned upon because you're an able-bodied man. I don't know what the rule is here, but if I'm with both girls and I'm traveling solo. You're disabled. I'm taking them into the disabled toilet. And I'm being quick. I'm being efficient. I'm not mucking about there. Just limp out. It's like you come out there and there's a double amputee

on the ground. Excuse me. It sucks when you go into a bathroom and I'm yet to go into a men's cubicle with my daughters and they not be like piss all over the toilet seat, piss on the floor. The guy next to us is going. It also sucks to be part. And I'm like, shut up, Ash. It also sucks to be part of the problem too though, doesn't it? Oh, yeah.

Like, is this how we're represented? Yeah. But I just, I wish there was more parent-specific bathrooms out there. I often have to say to Laura, I'm not taking Lola or Marley into the men's bathroom. If we start a political party, which is very likely, it will be, our main policy will be more parent bedrooms. You heard it here first. Bedrooms or bathrooms? Both.

Sorry, I got confused there. I got confused. We need public naps as well, okay? Let's have bedrooms with onsweds. Everywhere. Just parent bedrooms. That's a hotel. And they are, in fact, open to the public. Anyway, I don't have a job,

so public holidays don't really matter to me. This is my job. I can do it whenever. I can do it on the toilet. Now, Oscar gave himself a black eye. He fell down the stairs. That old chestnut. Yeah, he ran into a doorknob.

He gave himself a black eye. He did. He gave himself a black eye. Now, it's the stoop. Stop winking at me you freak this is legit hey we could lose his eye oh shit we're gonna have to

we're gonna have to scrap this story go on continue I'm gonna have child services banging on the door sure that's how it happened this is how it happened it's stupid how it happened and he did it to himself wink no he did i got a photo i'll show you the photo here's the photo it's up there here's the photo yeah

it's not that bad yeah sorry sorry we're winking at each other I know people don't our producer's looking at us going

you know this is audio we can't we can't see the winks I wish you could they're tied to perfection. They're very over-exaggerated. It's like a whole body wing where you go.

The head gets into it. Yeah, so he gave himself a black eye. I'm not going to look at you. So I'm downstairs. April's upstairs. Macy's downstairs with me. I was as far away from him as possible. I didn't give him a black eye.

I'm sweating. Over here, I'm sweating. I'm downstairs. April's upstairs. Oscar's jumping on the bed, which I don't mind if he's jumping on the bed as long as he doesn't have shoes on. That's not on. He's jumping on the bed.

He's at the age where he wants to do heaps of parkour. Parkour. Yes, that's the word I'm looking for. He wants to do heaps of parkour and stuff like that. He doesn't know what parkour is, but he's doing his version of it. Kids love parkour. I know. They love flipping around on the bed.

Parkour. I often think being that small would be so cool. So easy. So easy to be jumping around on a big king-sized bed. Lovely. Love that. And then I hear a bellowing scream. Knee to the eye?

Knee to himself in the eye. I've been there. And I was like, how did you manage that? First of all, jealous of the flexibility. So he was giving himself a black eye right before we had to go to a kid's party. Questions were flying. People were like, oh, God. What's happened?

Do you know how many people I had to explain that Oscar had a black eye? Multiple. Do you think you were being investigated? Well, I think the first person asked me, I said, I punched him. So everyone else had to ask me too. But that was a joke. That was a joke. That was a blatant joke.

Have your kids ever done, hurt themselves? Yeah. You know what? A tumble can just derail the day at any point, morning, afternoon. You want it to happen in the afternoon for sure. It happens in the morning. Well, I don't want it to happen at all, Ash, because I don't want to hurt my kids.

Sorry, keep winking. But I often, especially when I'm cooking dinner, now that I'm a single parent, I'm in the kitchen and I'm turning around to go to the stovetop and Lola's come up to get a snack. I bump her off and she goes, she's like, why did she age you?

My kids are yet to give themselves any kind of serious. Well, you've got to explain, but the saddest part was he was so upset. Black eyes hurt. It's also very visual. It's a visual injury. He was so concerned about being teased for it.

Nah, man. That's what he was like. And I was like, nah, dude, people are going to think you're real cool. He is a handsome young man. But he was more concerned and he was like, is it gone yet? Is it gone away yet? Like literally every 10 minutes.

No one's going to mess with Oscar. No. Especially the way that he finds. Yes. Which I've experienced. You have experienced firsthand. I want to quickly show you something that I've purchased. Oh, yes.

I like it when you're buffing. That has made me feel more masculine than any other purchase of recent months. You finally got that butt poke. Let me just get prepared for what's going to be unveiled. Oh, that sounded so good. Isn't it good? So many men have erections, right? Isn't it good?

Women don't get it. I don't think they get it. You listen to that all day. It might not look like much. It's how you use it. And it's weird how something so small can fill you with so much power. That's what she said. The fence had a few palings that had fallen off.

I wasn't going to say anything. People, you know, the house was falling apart. So I picked up that little drill. I drilled in the three palings that had fallen off. Man, I felt like I was unstoppable. Did you jerk off after? Oh, 100%. I couldn't even finish the last paling without jerking off.

Laura was like, wonder how Matt's going in the backyard, just sitting there with the drill full ball, the full four volts. Just really, really tearing the skin off the top of it. I was thinking about paying someone to come and fix the fence, and I'm so glad that I didn't. I'm so glad that I had the initiative, went out to Bunnings, got the drill, fixed the fence. And I was like, you know what?

And now you have a drill. I don't even have a drill. Dude. How much was it? It was like 60 bucks. We'll get 10 of them. But then I guess I was in this high, a drill high, if you will. My judgment was very clouded.

There's nothing like that feeling. I was thinking that there was nothing I couldn't fix. Euphoric. And I came down pretty hard after that. The car had been parked underneath a tree, which had very like, it was saplings. Yeah, the sap. It was saplings. And so annoying

covered in it went to the car wash they're like it's going to cost 300 bucks to get all that off the car he's like

do you know I own a drill I was like excuse me that's not now they're like whoa we'll pay you 300 dollars

so I was like do you know what I'm going to do this myself so came back home tried to scrub it off with my finger and a cloth. Uh-oh. Didn't work.

And I said, what would a guy with a drill do? Drill it off. I did something stupid. I didn't use the drill. I used the dishwashing scrubber. The green. I've completely fucked the drill. I used the dishwashing scrubber. The green. I've completely fucked the car. I washed it.

And when it was still wet, the car was great because the car was clean. It was glistening. As it dried, there's just scrub marks. I know. I know. You've done it? I'm going to tell you a story of me and my youth, very youthful, that I've just remembered.

As a child, we decided to wash cars to get a little bit of money. At one particular house, we were washing the car, didn't realize that I was using a green sponge on someone else's car. Yes. It's safe to say he didn't have to pay for that five dollar wash and also yeah and i also if he's listening i'm sorry that i ran away before we noticed but i got the fuck out of there once I realized. We all did very quickly. And the car wash business shut down pretty much immediately. We all had to get disguises because it was in the local neighborhood. I mean, the only difference is you're 12 and I'm 36. I'm still learning.

You are. I'm not afraid to say. He's a beautiful guy. And if he is listening. Sucked in. Matt, Meltdowns let's get into it it's the final meltdown

the final meltdown this is a segment where parents send in their child's meltdowns either via DM or on Instagram. One of my favorite segments, Ash, of this podcast. It has been going for a little while now. Maybe it's time for a change. We do have a lot of people asking for lies. Tell me lies.

We had an idea the other day really quickly about lies that you've told about to get your kids into things. Yes. Let's workshop that. Do you know what I do want to do though? You did it on your stories. The petty things you do to your partner. Oh, yes. I'd like to.

Okay. Do that next week. Let's do that next week. All right. If you've got anything petty that you do to your partner or your partner does to you. In spite? Out of spite? Out of spite. Nothing too crazy. I don't want to

run him over the car when he upsets me. I don't want that shit. I want the little things like for example, my wife and I had a disagreement and I made my half of the bed and she made her half of the bed. I've got a list of things that I'm going to do to her half of the bed. I saw. Beautiful. I've got a list of things that I'm going to do.

I love that. I love a couple's tiff. I love a bit of psychological. That's for next week. Anyway. Okay. I'll get on with it. Not to wrap you up. I'm sorry.

You literally just exit music me. Okay. So this one comes from Rebecca Rose. Hi, Rebecca. Hi, Rebecca. How are you? My three-year-old had a full meltdown because I don't wear a nappy to bed like he does.

Lola normally has a meltdown about wearing a nappy. She's like, I don't need to wear a nappy. And I'm like, you piss yourself every night. You need to wear that nappy. I know. I'm not. I'm good. As soon as I am.

It's like every morning he's like, check my nappy. There's nothing in it. Bro, that thing's full. Okay, this one is from Scoobishes. That can't be real. She says, my four-year-old granddaughter came home from daycare and told her mom that a kid was saying the F word and that the teacher said the F word is bad.

My daughter felt like a great parent and then went on to get dinner ready. My four-year-old granddaughter walked back into the kitchen and said, mommy, where is my fucking tennis racket? Oh, I love it when kids swear. Hey, list the questions. We do also want to take this opportunity to say, if you are a parent out there, please send us through any questions that you may have. Maybe you just want to get the perspective of a dad to tackle a tough subject that you're too afraid to ask your friends, your peers, your family members. Yeah, ask a stranger. That seems like the most plausible.

If you like. Can we be anonymous? Yeah. You don't have to put your name. We're going to tell everyone it's you. And this one here is from Daria. Daria. She asks...

Di-a-ria. What's one thing you wish your wife understood more? I would like my wife to understand that what I do for a job is not all fun and games. Okay. It might look like that from the outside, but sometimes she's made snarky little comments. Like what? You know, it's like, I'm like, okay, I got to go's made snarky little comments like you know it's like i'm like okay i gotta go to matt's house she's like oh you're gonna go to matt's house i guess we are just having a chat drinking having a drink yeah like when we went on a cruise

that was work she came but i'm like i've got to leave you with the kids to go off and zipline not for fun i promise i won't have any fun meanwhile but she gave me attitude she was like oh okay and i was like babe this is my job it might look like i'm just a bit of tomfoolery. Because it is worlds apart from what I did 12 months ago. Be miserable like the rest of us. If she's listening, which she

will be, I better say this very delicately. Just relax, brah. Mine's also work related for Laura. I think it comes from the fact that a few reasons to unpack laura a are we gonna go through the whole alphabet or we just i'll get three points a growing up she didn't have a lot of money they were definitely not born with silver spoons in their mouths right uh as was i one of five single one of five single parent and and so i think you've always had a bit of like a save mentality in terms of like trying to like you know when there's money you got to do whatever

you can to try and like fill the bank account and then in addition to that coming off reality tv the narrative is always like, you've got 15 minutes and then your time's up and you're getting out of here. I've been lingering around for eight years now. We can't get rid of you. People have tried. But I think there is that fear of literally, Matty, the cockroach Jay. There is that fear of, well, soon my time will be done not if i can help it

matt that's why not if i can help that's why i partnered with you but i think laura is very much like if i don't say yes to this opportunity who knows when the opportunities will dry up and even though she's working such an insane amount yeah she's taking on so many jobs like i remember when they asked she was asked to do Dancing with the Stars. Yeah, I remember. And I was thinking. I was stressed out. You're clearly going to say no.

And she was like, well, you know, who knows when I'll get asked again, which is true. But she did it. And like she had fun, but I'm very much having to remind her that like, it's okay to say no to jobs. It's okay to, you know, not not be running at 100 miles an hour. I mean, it's a double-edged sword there because we are extremely fortunate to be where we are financially, but at the same time, now that we've been running at this fast pace for so long,

we can just put it back in a third gear. Yeah, slow down. Smell the roses a little bit. Smell the roses. Are you thankful that it's Britain the jungle and not Laura? Yeah, oh, my God, 100%. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm losing Laura for a week in Bali and I'm like, oh. So you'd like her to just drop her back a gear when it's time to drop her back a gear? Which is right now. For the last three years, we've been working on it. It's turbo. Especially Laura. I've only really been around it for like 18 months, call it. And it's pretty turbo, I will say.

It's crazy. Yeah. It's crazy. And you know what it's like when you're tired, when you, I will say. It's crazy. Yeah. It's crazy. And you know what it's like when you're tired, when you're exhausted? All the time. Yeah. Yeah. Let's like go into semi-retirement.

Let's fade away. Let's fade away. Let's run away. Let's run away. Now you're talking. But that's what I wish she understood more of. I think that's fair. She's getting better.

That's good. Matt, I have a question for you. Oh think that's fair. She's getting better. That's good. Man, I have a question for you. Oh, here's a really good one, Matt. You've got two girls. Like I said, I've got a boy, which is going to be, you know, you cut boys' hair much more, I would think. I agree with you. We've never cut Lola's hair.

She's three. She's never had a haircut. Not once. Marley had a little phase where she went through having a fringe that was self-cut. How do you cut Oscar's hair? Well, we went through phases of cutting Oscar's hair. The first time when I said, we should cut your hair,

and he'd never had it before, he was real excited. It's an experience. It's an experience. It's new. Until I got the clippers out. The noise is like. And he was like. Fuck that. What's that? And I was like, look,. The noise is like. And he was like. Fuck that.

What's that? And I was like, look, touched on his hand. It doesn't hurt. It's not going to hurt you, mate. Although I have cut my ballsack a number of times. The skin down there is unforgiving. But then what he really hated was the feeling of hair falling onto his neck to the point it scared the shit out of him.

So it took me another two years to get him to cut his hair again to the point where I was like, you look like no one owns you. I need to cut your hair. So I went to the next phase, which was to pin him down like I was shearing a sheep. Which I'm sure went down swimmingly. Yep. Then I went to bribery where I bribed him for like a really big fucking toy

just so that I could trim the sides a bit but then he's cottoned on to the fact that if he gets a haircut he gets a toy so now he's coming to me every second day going i think i need a haircut and i'm like i don't think you do if i cut any more off we're going in the scalp i think he's getting better at it but like honestly they don't understand that they don't understand how to still. Well, I'm at the point now. Marley actually asked. She's like, can I cut my own hair?

And I was like, sure. And she was about to cut. And I was like, what are you doing? She's like, I'm getting a haircut. She's never had a proper, proper haircut. She's only had the ends taken off. Because they get their nails done. She'd probably love it if you went and took her.

Yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited. I don't know if she understands that once it's gone, it's not coming back for a long time. Also, Macy all of a sudden has hair down her back. Not on her back. I know you are. Yeah, I was thinking.

She's a werewolf. Were quite hairy. Anyway, Oscar bribery gets him through. That's my answer. Perfect. We took the scenic route, but we're there. If you have enjoyed this episode or any episode of Two Dirty Dads,

we would love it if you would send it to any other people out there, parents specifically, but even non-parents, definitely not pet parents. Oh, fuck them. But everybody else, please share the love. Yes. Because we love love

that's Laura's life uncut that's their ending sorry okay we just ripped that right off we love love more we just add that to the end of it

we love parenting but if you would give us any type of review could be Spotify could be Apple Podcasts there have been no death threats I'm sick of them

can I just really quickly just read you the last review that we got? If anyone doesn't like the pod right now, they may be listening for the first time, stick with it. Because, honestly, hated this pod to start with, and now I love it. Very easy listening and very funny. Please keep the eps coming, legends. What did you hate about it?

No need to say you hated it. Nah, I like it. I like the honesty. You guys were pieces of shit to start with, but now I like you. That's a win. I'm getting out of here. You can do whatever you like.

We'll see you next week. See you. Bye. I get it Near I get it I get it I get it Far I get it

Far Okay Two Doting Dads podcast Acknowledges the traditional custodians of country Throughout Australia And their connections to land, sea and community We pay our respects to their elders Past and present

And extend that respect To all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.