Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #63 Dad Voice Activated

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

Matt has had to activate the almighty dad voice to a group of young teens at the footy this week. It's safe to say it put the fear of god into them. Are you a family that loves a good hand-me-down? Well, Ash does, and as a rare treat, he's surprised Macy with something new that she can't take off, even during bathtime.   Speaking of bathtime, Marley dropped a bombshell during her night routine that shocked the Johnson household after she shared some new words she learned at daycare. We have a new segment called Petty Couples! Make sure you share your best stories with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I did see on the way here, which I thought was... Gave you a giggle? It gave me a giggle. It sucks because it's happened to me before. I was at the lights driving. Someone was standing at the lights wrestling with their AirPods and their AirPod case. You know how fiddly they can be.

Very fiddly. Especially in the morning. You're like, you know. Why in the morning? You could be tired. Sure. I don't know. Maybe pre-coffee.

Not sure. Everyone fell out and it fell out about a couple of times and straight down the drain. Oh no. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast that's all about parenting. It's the good, the bad.

And the relatable. And if you've come wanting any type of advice, unfortunately, not here, not today. Ash is getting distracted by a little toy dinosaur. I'm going to name him Letitia. Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, that's all right. No advice.

No advice. Not today. Ben, also, before we do get into it, I've got something for you. You've come bearing gifts, mate. I've got one too. Okay, for people who are listening, it's a Legionnaire's hat, pink and blue. And mine reads, hi, I'm Matt and I like to party. And mine reads, hi, I'm Ash and I like to party. Where'd you get them from? Someone tagged us in it and I laughed ha ha ha on there. And then this particular brand, Uncle Rico reached out and they're like, do you there and then this particular brand,

Uncle Rico, reached out and they're like, do you want one? I was like, oh yeah. So they sent us one each. They're very comfy. They are. I've not worn a Legionnaire's hat since grade five. Yeah? Are we going to wear it for the whole episode?

You look fucking beautiful. Thank you. Not many men can pull off a Legionnaire's hat. April is a very lucky lady. I thought you'd like that. Also, before we get started, we'd like to thank Stonewood. Absolutely. We're drinking a Pacific Ale today.

Gets its name after the Pacific Ocean. From its home, Byron Bay, they call it Byron Bay in a bottle. You know where I was drinking a Stonewood the other day? We've spoken about certain situations, certain occasions make Stonewood even more delicious. Sunday afternoon in the sun. Very, very good. That's up there. I think I've got one that's on par, maybe even better.

Weaseled my way into Allianz Stadium recently for a Roosters game. Guess what was on tap? Stone and Wood. How good is that? So I got a last-minute ticket, sitting down, watching the kickoff, Stone and Wood in hand. It was fucking beautiful. Yes.

Cheers to that. Cheers. Cheers to Simon Wood for making this episode possible. I don't want to offend you. The hat's great. I'm going to take mine off. You take that off. I quit this podcast.

Oh, God. You can wear yours. I will be wearing mine. I went full dad mode at the footy. Oh, yeah? And it felt good. It felt really good. Explain.

Explain the footy. Oh, yeah? And it felt good. It felt really good. Explain. Explain the dad moment. For anyone who doesn't know, Roosters, their homeland is Bondi, Bondi Junction. Recently, awful attacks there. And before the game, they had some beautiful words that were spoken. We had a moment of silence before the game. And I was sitting next to four or five young men, I want to call them. They were about, I want to say they were 14.

And so the entire stadium, we're talking like 20,000 people here, most of whom are from the eastern suburbs. From here, on a Thursday night too. You know, it's hit everyone really hard. And we have a moment of silence and we're like three seconds in. You can hear a pin drop in the stadium and the boys to my left were making fart noises and I looked over and I did this and I dropped my voice just a little bit like this.

You go on there, bloke. And I was so fucking filthy that they were doing this. They were egging each other on. They were making fart noises. They were laughing. And I said, you better shut the fuck up and show some respect. And I was ready to punch on. I don't care that these boys are 12 and 13.

I would have started swinging right there and there. But, you know, it's always when you take an aggressive stance like that, when you're trying to have a display of your dominance. Sometimes it can go either way. Sometimes young kids can be like, who the fuck are you? Whereas it went down like a tree. Oh, beautiful. All of them stopped and looked at me with a look of fear

because I'm a very intimidating man. I've always said that. They've probably picked up that you're a dad, a doting one at that. I think so. I think so. I'm surprised no one else said anything, but I also said it loud enough that people like in the row in front and behind could have heard. Were you like king shit for the whole game?

Oh, also I kind of ruined the game for them because we had to then sit next to each other for the entire game. Oh, Oglin. They were supporting Melbourne and I was supporting the Roosters. But they did. They apologized straight away and said, we're really sorry. Oh, that's nice. So it went down.

It could have gone either way. If they were like, what are you going to do about it? I'd be like, oh, fuck. Because kids are brazen these days, man. Kids are brazen. That could have gone an opposite way. They just got no respect, these kids. They don't, mate.

I sound like a boomer. They don't. Hey, you did the right thing. I'm proud of you. Thank you. Mate, people around there would have been like, oh, this guy, the balls on this guy. How many kids were there?

Four of them. It was four. It was four. And the reason why, just for anyone who needs context, the friend who I was with lost someone in the attacks. And so that's why I was like, how fucking dare you? You should have just started swinging. I was so close, dude.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Correct, correct. And luckily, I shouldn't have sworn at these kids. No, that's appropriate. I want to say that they were like 16, 17, just to make it seem like I wasn't going after a bunch of nine-year-olds. It was just a poor little toddler actually doing a poo. Yeah.

Do mine. It feels good to tell off a kid and then get the respect. And not be your kid. And get some respect back. Yeah. Not that I want this to be a regular occurrence now. I don't want to be telling off kids left, right and center. No, no. But every now and then, you've got

to just put your foot down and make your presence known. I completely agree with you. I couldn't agree more. But my mate was like, geez, you really changed your voice for that, didn't you? And I was like, yeah, I did. If I'm in my normal voice and I'm like, can you guys be quiet? That's got

nothing. Hooligans! Anyway, how are you, mate? I'm good. I wanted to ask you having two kids, Matt. We all know that. I have two kids. Sometimes the second child can get, I mean, I know Lola hates you, hence the Ds, but sometimes the second.

Thank you for reminding me. Sorry about that. But the second child sometimes doesn't get the things the first child got, i.e. clothing. Oh, yeah. Things. I mean, for you, and there'd be parents out there listening as well who've got more than two kids and the hand-me-down thing is just,

it's very cost-effective, I will say. Friends of ours who have had girls, and our mate is the youngest, are like, we've got all these clothes. And of course we're going to take them. Well, luckily, Marley was a pretty scrawny little kid and Lola was an absolute nugget. So it didn't take long for Lola to reach Marley's size. Like I think from the age of two, they were both wearing

pretty much the same clothes. So is Marley wearing Lola's hand-me-downs? Which was, it's kind of going going like it's going both ways now so when I was buying when I was buying anything and it's one of the great things about having two girls I would just buy two

two of the same pretty much this I just buy the same size it would be like a little bit big on Lola but it's fine she'll grow into it but I think

yeah like the downside of a second child is that- They get- They get the scraps. They get the scraps. I'm all for the hand-me-downs. I'm not dissing that.

I just wanted to understand that it's like you're in the same boat. Everyone else would be in the same boat. And for me, I've got a boy and a girl. So you think it could make it a little bit more difficult, which it does because Oscar's a boy and she's a girl. And he's also very inquisitive. So he's like, why is Macy wearing my T-shirt? Because we've been over this.

You've got a new T-shirt because you're getting bigger, taller. She's growing into you. So there's some things that cross over. There's some things that don't, okay? I get that. Pajamas is a good one that cross over because they just sleep in it. Yeah, it's fine. And that's easy.

No one's judging. Shoes is pretty easy too because they're usually like white shoes or black shoes. Macy's easy. No one's judging. Shoes is pretty easy too because they're usually like white shoes or black shoes. Macy's taken Oscar's gum boots. Also, they stink. Fuck,

these kids' feet stink. Yeah, Lola, Lola got into a period where she didn't want to wear socks. Have they, oh.

Yeah, it sucks. These boots, they're like cheap plastic boots. And the other day, I went to change a nappy and I was like, I was like, fuck, this shit stinks. Open the nappy up, no shit in there.

It was her feet. It was fucking gross. So she gets all the hand-me-downs. But the other day April and I realised that she needed something. It's nothing major. It's just something that's like we need. So we went to the shops. We said, should we go and get this, right?

And she was like, yeah. You know, Maisie. She was pumped. Pumped. A woman of, a girl, a woman, what? A girl of very few words. She was like, yeah, okay. And like worked at Oscar, of course.

It was like, I want something too. That's another story. Oh, that's right. He got new gumboots because Macy stole his. And I want to show you a video that I've got of Macy. And I just want you to guess what you think she's received is new. Okay. Okay.

Plenty of time for Macy, can I just say. I feel like she's warm to me. Yeah, not enough time for Oscar. Well, I just feel like the last few times I've been at your place, she's been there. She's been there, yeah, she is. And we have that little game, which is not too dissimilar to the game that ruled my relationship with Oscar,

where I scare her and pretend... Are you planning on abducting Macy too? No, I'm not. For those listening, it's a video I've taken of Macy. I want you to guess what's new. Okay. She is shrutting down the aisles like she's on a catwalk in Milan,

looking fan-fucking-tastic in a set of brand-spanking-new pink goggles. Oh, she was pumped. So pumped that we were like. I think they've even got the protective film over the top. They still do. Oh, I love that. I think they've even got the protective film over the top. They still do. So she'd got the hand-me-down goggles from Oscar. Her and Oscar wear goggles in the bath for fun. What?

It's not weird. There's parents out there listening to that going, yeah, they think it's fun. They think it's funny. It's fun. Also, same with a lot of water in the eyes. Actually. Because they have a bath together.

So I guess it's a good thing when you're washing their hair and they don't get soap in their hair. Yeah, it's a good thing. Yeah. And something in their mouth still. I've never done that. Yeah, they wanted it. And also Oscar was practicing his going under in the bath

and now Macy's like watching him following along going, I want to go on. So she had Oscar's hand-me-down goggles for a long time. And what was the problem with that? There wasn't a problem with that other than they'd been in the bath, they'd been wet for a long time, and wetness contracts mold. And we were like, oh. Turning into a science podcast.

Science with Dr. Carl. Wetness attracts mold. I'm listening. So you got moldy goggles. The teacher, essentially the teacher said it's swimming. She needs to start going under or this is a waste of your time. I thought you were going to say the teacher was like, you can't make your child wear these moldy pieces of shit.

She's going to contract some kind of illness. And you're like, what's wrong with them? She'll be right. They've got barnacles growing on them. And the teacher was like, she's got to start going under or you're just wasting your money. Essentially, that's what she said. She's great at floating.

That's on you. You're the teacher. Yeah, yeah. She's encouraging and made her sound like a real asshole then. essentially that's what she said like she's great at floating that's on you you're the teacher yeah yeah she's she's encouraging and like i made her sound like a real asshole then but like she was saying look we you need to start encouraging it more from your side or something because she just gets traumatized if the teacher just goes plonk plonk anyway so we're like okay how do we do that we go get you some new goggles you don't go so you turn it into something that's exciting into something that's exciting anyway she it into something that's exciting.

Anyway, she wore the goggles around the shop for the rest of the shopping and then when we got in the car and she eventually took them off, she had that big red goggle thing. That's Macy's first, not her first thing she's got new. I shouldn't say that. Goggles are, they fall into the category of items that are so easily lost. And I just want to say, prepare yourself for the frustration of every morning when you have swim class being like,

where the hell are these goggles? Man, I've- Oscar's obsessed with these, so we don't lose them. He's got them on him. He's just like, wallet, watch, phone, goggles. Literally every swimming class, we come home and I'm like, I'm going to put these here and then the next week rolls by and I'm like in the morning, I'm late.

Just take them into the bath. Don't raise your voice. Take them into the bath. I'll try that. That's where they'll end up all the time. I'll try that. My kids, I don't know, they're like, they're not big goggle kids. Oscar's a goggle kid.

He's a big goggle boy. He's a big goggle boy. Actually, he's got big goggles too. They're not those little ones like that. They're like huge scuba steam goggles. He'd hate that I was laughing at them. Actually, bath time yesterday,

didn't have any goggles. Well, there's your problem. There's your first problem. But something happened, Ash. And, you know, like kids, my kids especially, they're at daycare four days a week. They're there a lot. And so they hang around the other kids an awful lot.

And Marley's now four. I'm pretty sure she's turning five. She is. Thank you. Turning five very soon. On the 19th of June. Fuck, he's good. Yeah, because Oscar's the 14th.

And I've got a friend who's due on the 21st. Something in the water. Something in the water that month. Nine months ago, everybody was, when was that? They were fucking. That's what they were was something in the water. Something in the water that month. Nine months ago, everybody was, when was that? They were fucking. That's what they were doing.

All the parents. When is that? September? October. October time. Oh, notorious month for mounting your partner. But we're getting Marley into the bath.

And you know, sometimes from daycare, around other kids, they pick up certain words, certain phrases. You know, they'll say something and you're sometimes from daycare around other kids they pick up certain words certain phrases you know they'll say something and you're like oh wait like

yeah who'd you get that from they're like oh I got it from Timmy at daycare fucking Timmy and Marley puts her hand in the water

and she's like holy shit that fucking water's hot and I was like Timmy needs to check himself and I was like what did you just say and Lola's already in there

like none the wiser and she's like that fucking water's. And I was like, what did you just say? And Lola's already in there like none the wiser. And she's like, that f***ing water's hot. And I'm like, that's a naughty word. And she's like, what of it? She's like, no big deal. And I'm like, you know that's a naughty word. And she goes, yeah, we say naughty words at daycare. I also say, you're a fucking asshole.

That's a piece of shit. What the fuck is up? Get fucked. Just starts rolling. And she's like, you're a piece of shit. You're a fucking asshole. He's a bastard. I was like.

I'm sending my kid to this school. That's amazing. Dude, she's just like churning through this. Holy shit. She sounds like my grandmother. This robust vocab of nothing but swear words. And so I'm also like Laura. And then you got there and there's just a board and there's all these words.

She's like, shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Sucker. Kids are there with beers in hand, like smoking cigarettes. The daycare teacher is Irish, so nothing against Irish people. That was racist.

They do like to swear. So then Laura's in the kitchen. She's heard this come out of Marley's mouth. Also, I'm saying it in front of Lola, and Lola's there kind of being like, what's going on? We pull Marley aside and we're like, where is this coming from? Also, I know that we're not completely innocent every now and then. We drop a swear word.

Also, I expect that sort of language out of Lola, not Marley. Just saying. I agree. I agree. But apparently, apparently the kids at daycare, it's like all the rage right now, naughty words. They're like, they've come together and they're like teaching each other. There's one kid,

I'll call him Timmy, I don't want to say his real name. What's his name? I feel like he's the ringleader, but we explained to Marley, like, that's a naughty word, you can't say that. Sent her into the bath and she was like, get me the fuck out of here. But dropped her at Daycare the next day. And I will say the Daycare that the girls go to, in case any of the teachers are listening,

they may be big fans of the podcast, I can only assume. They're like, I didn't see that on the curriculum. But I was like, Laura said, you've got to say something. It's so easy for them to say, you've got to say something. You say something. I pulled the

teacher aside and I was like, look, I just want you to know that the kids that Amali was saying a few swear words, she's saying that she's learned it from other kids, but I didn't want to point the finger at this kid. I said, I would hate. I don't want to point the finger at this kid, potentially this one. I had him by the collar. I was like, kick him out of here.

But I said, I would hate for Marley to be the ringleader here just to make it seem like. As if it turned out she was. Actually, we were going to. Now that she's a bit older, now that she's a bit older, she could possibly be the ringleader. She's pretty smart too. She's very clever.

She could be the one instigating this. But they said it's hard right now because they had noticed that the kids were starting to swear. They quickly tried to nip it in the bud and were like, this is very naughty, but then the more attention they gave it, the more the kids were then like dobbing on each other. So the kids were like, hey, Rachel just said, fuck you. I was like, it's really hard at the moment because we just hired

Chopper Reed to be a full-time teacher. The white noise, yeah, just Chopper Reed being played in the background. So then they're like, we're trying to manage this, but the more attention we give it, then the more airtime it gets and the more the kids can't drop it. Sounds like excuses to me, Matt. Sounds like excuses. Not my kindy.

No, probably just as bad. It is a fine line between being like laughing at it. I don't know, we speak about this a lot. You give yourself a little giggle, you're like. There's nothing funnier than a toddler using a swear word. Yeah. And I mean like is it the worst thing in the world that she's using it in the right context? Not in my mind.

I'd much rather use like the F word than like sledge someone unless it's a cleverly crafted sledge. Then. Play on. Proud moment. But there's also because Lola is in the group below Marley. So they're a little bit younger. People who don't know Lola's three. Just turned three.

Was that a question? I should have said that. Lola is three. She is definitely three. Confidence. I like it. But Lola is three. Good. She is definitely three. Confidence. I like it. But Lola's picked up on something, which she's now using at home as well. Oh, really smoking.

And this one, yeah. She is now doing class A drugs. Run the fucking bar. These kids are running rings around me. Pour me another drink. She is now using a phrase which, again, kids are using it without really understanding the full impact of the words that they're using.

Yeah. A lot of the time they don't know what they're saying. And it really hurts me, man. I can see the pain in your eyes. Where is it? She drops it. I'm being sworn at by Marley and Lola's now started saying, I hate you.

Early on to start saying that shit to you. Dude, I can only assume she doesn't realise what she's saying. She knows full well. Do you just say I hate you too? No. Why? She doesn't know? That really hurts my feelings.

It'll make you feel better. That really hurts. Do you do what I do and wait for him to turn around and give him the finger? Oh, yeah. No. I come downstairs and I'm like, fuck, I don't think he's hearing me. That's funny, that.

Under my breath. And Laura's like, you can't say that. I'm like, she's not listening. It's fine. I heard that. So Lola now, every little task, doesn't matter what it is, if it's like getting her shoes on in the morning or getting pajamas on, she's just like, I hate you so much.

As she draws in a puff of her Winnie Blue. Winnie Red. Well, I'm not some sort of pussy. It's a Winnie Red now. Pour me another drink. Gone are the days of this household being like a beautiful, peaceful environment for all of us to get along in. It's turned into I'm living in, this is Silverwater prison.

Essentially, this is what it's turned into. For those listening at Silverwater, we love you. Shout out to all the prisoners out there. Yeah, dude. Your kids say that. Is Oscar dropping that? What's he saying to you? Nah.

If he, I would come down with wrath if he was like, I hate you. Because I would just be like, I hate you too, man. Fight fire with fire. Fight fire with fire in my house a lot of the time. Wow. Okay. Well, keep me posted. One day she'll love you, mate.

The only thing that makes it hit a little softer is the fact that she's kind of saying it to everyone. Oh, okay. It's not just me. She's dropping it. It just hurts when it's you because you're always, you're butting heads a lot anyway lately. Yeah, I'm already, that relationship is fragile. It's like, you know, I'm like.

It's hard to work on with a kid of that age too because it's like you can just be like really overly nice to them and they figure that out. Oh, dude. Now I'm also like I'm avoiding her. I wake up in the morning, she's downstairs and I'm like, oh. Well, look, keep me posted on that. I really want to know if she turns it around.

I really want to know if she starts to say it with intent. If she's just saying it to everybody and then she was like, I love you, mommy. I hate you, daddy. I want to know. Oh, she does it as well. Oh, does she? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She does love you. She's like, I'm now waiting for her to start. Like I'm bracing myself for her to start spitting on me. Which actually she does, she's done already. She's out of control.

She's out of control. I'm sure that some listeners out there have kids that are similar. So when Lola drops this comment, I kind of,

I turn into like a bit of a weakling. I just, I take it, I cop it. Yeah. I do say I don't like that. Laura is trying.

I run to Laura. Laura! When it happens, I'm like, she's doing it again. She said it. Laura, she's doing it again. Well, she listens to Laura. She doesn't listen to me. Yeah, that's fair.

And so Laura has to explain to her that they're naughty words. Yeah, not to say them. You can't say them. The spiel. And then Laura will look at me and she's like, she doesn't mean it. And I'm like, she does. She knows exactly what she's doing.

She knows what she's doing. She's said it enough to know exactly what it means. And then it just makes me not want to do any of those tasks because I don't want to be copping it. So I avoid her. Just lock yourself in your room and sulk. I did a podcast with a lady called Jen Muir, How to Build a Human,

and I explained to her what Lola was saying to me and I was keen to get her taking it because she's a child behavioral expert. And I don't know if I believe her with her response. She said that apparently kids between the ages of like two to five, they're testing boundaries, right? And the fact that Lola keeps pushing me away as much as she does to the point where now she tells me that she hates me it's a good thing oh i love it just trying to make you feel better okay and i'm like please jen go on and explain to me how this is a good thing because right now i don't see any good coming from this at all other than the fact that I'm feeling very fragile. And she goes, it means that Lola is so safe around you.

She is so certain with her relationship with you that she can push you away without any fear of abandonment. Treat them mean, keep them keen. It's working. So apparently that is a good sign. There you go. So I'm like, well, why doesn't she do it to Laura? Why is it just me?

And she's like, that's all I've got time for. Apparently, yeah. Apparently. So yeah, if you're a kid, if you're a parent out there and your kid hates you. Congratulations. Congratulations. It means they feel so safe in your company.

Very good. Very, very good. So when she's 15 and she's still doing it, I'm like. No, she'll actually hate you then. Yeah. Matt, KO's got you covered this footy season with every game of every round, live and at break free during play. It is a big game coming up.

And this one's very important for me because my situation is a bit different to yours, Ash, because you're from Manly. Your son is from Manly. Loves Manly. You both support Manly. Yep. Happy days. Easy.

I've got an issue. I'm from Brisbane. Marley's born here in Sydney. So the game coming up is Sydney versus the Roosters, and I'm drilling into Marley. I do like the Roosters in case they are listening, but I'm drilling into Marley that she is going to be a Broncos supporter. For sure. even though she's

not born here. She has no say. It is a big game and an important one for me and Marley to make sure that we're both on the same page supporting the mighty Broncos. The Miami GP is back, and so will all the A-list stars. Can Danny Ricciardo bounce back from heartbreak in China?

And can Ferraro get back onto the podium? Ash, it's also a massive weekend of the Suncorp Super Netball. We've got Adelaide Thunderbirds hosting the Giants and Melbourne Vixens take on Queensland Firebirds in a top-of-the-table clash. Yes, and it's NBA playoff season, and the Mighty Knicks are in the playoffs this year, and you can watch every game from both Eastern

and Western Conference's finals live with ESPN on KO. Why do you support Knicks? I just like them. Fair enough. I've been to a Knicks game. That was enough. Won me over. There is plenty of room for everyone, so get on board with KO. It's now also available on Hubble. So Matt, a couple of weeks ago we talked about replacing a segment that we have been running for a long time, which is a meltdown or tantrum of the week, however you want to call it, with that amazing theme song

that we do have that people love. I can hear right now the gasps. The sigh of relief. Oh, my God. Well, Matt and I are going to do a live rendition of it for you right now. No, we're not. But we're going to replace it with something that we discussed two weeks ago on an episode, petty things that you do to your partner.

Now, it's not overly parenting. It can be parenting because there's some things you do that you could do that Involves the kids? Involves the kids that are petty, of course. But mostly this is couples. This is couple stuff. This is couple stuff. We're going to get some couple stuff because I think it's fun.

And it came from- I saw you doing it on your socials and I thought straight away, I was like, what have we got here? What have we got here? So, April and I had a disagreement, okay? And I don't know how you solve things in your house. I don't know if it's the same way that we solve things in my house. How do you solve things?

The more immature, the better. Okay. Okay, because then we? The more immature, the better. Okay. Okay, because then we laugh about it. It's fun. So, April and I had a disagreement about something and it's my job to make the bed. So, out of spite and pettiness, I made my side of the bed and didn't make her side of the bed.

So, what, you like split down the middle? Split down the middle. Messy, clean, but I made my side of the bed way more neat than I've ever made a bed in my life. Like I was like it could get a medal. I was like fold over the top sheet, pillow stack nicely. I even like untucked and creased. Steamed them. Steamed them.

And then her side looked like it had just gone off in an explosion. You just like pissed on her side. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, I left a deuce in there. Can I ask, was she working from home at this point? Yeah. When did you expect her to respond? She was in a meeting when I made the bed.

Okay. And I knew the meeting would probably go for a little while and I knew I was leaving. So I've gone and I made a video about it because I thought, this is funny. And also my whole shtick is I want to try and get those relatable moments and things that you do that people go, oh, fuck, we do that. That's funny.

Or shit like that. And then I'm like on the way. I think I was on the way here and I get a phone call and she's like, what's the deal with the bet? I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. And she was like, very funny. And we had a laugh about it and then the argument eventually fixed itself. But it got me thinking about what are the petty things that you do

to your significant other. So we've decided to create a new segment called Petty Couples Walking Down the Street. Petty Couples, the kind I like to meet. Petty Couples, I love you, but I'm immature. No one can push me quite like you. I'd like you. Ash, when I found out about this segment, I was thinking to myself, do I do anything petty?

I was like, surely not. Of course you do. No, I don't. Everyone knows that. That's not me. It's not in my nature. I'm not that type of person. And then I was like, oh gosh, there are a few things.

Yeah. And one of them is off the back of the fact that I am, and Laura will probably disagree with this, but I do the washing at home. That falls into my remit, the clothes washing. Wow. Actually, do you? That's my job, bro.

That's my job because I'm always… I was going to say, your clothes always look so nice. Thank you so much. Thank you for noticing. Except I made a mistake. This caused such a big argument at the time. I got the washing. If it's whites, great. If it's colors, cool.

That's how I separate them. Laura had, I think it was a silk-ish dress. It was colored. So I was just like, I don't know. You don't know what to do with it. No. I don't own anything silk. You're not going to read the tag either. No. I just like, I don't know. You don't know what to do with it. No. I don't own anything silk. You're not going to read the tag either.

No. I'm like, cool. If it's in the washing basket, that's just play on, right? Do you wash silk? What do you do with it? Apparently not. Well, like it needed to be washed on a delicate cycle. I now know. Okay. But at the time I just lumped it in with everything else. So I ruined a beautiful silk dress, which I now also know is very expensive. But Laura came home and she was like, what are you doing? You're wearing it. Yeah, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I know this is a segment. I can't help myself. Go. But she was like, do you not read the instructions? And I'm like, I don't own a dress. I don't own anything silk that you know of yeah

sorry alright stop setting me up do you know and so I was like it's not my fault this is you should tell me

be like hey there's a silk dress in there it needs to be handled differently right right just back me back me up I'm not not backing you up

back me up I can see where it's going you're like looking at the table I can see where it's going. You're like looking at the table. I can see where it's going. Go, continue. You always fucking side with Laura. Sorry. Don't you dare raise your voice to me.

Sorry. I apologize. Good. Anyway, so what I do now, which is a little bit petty, and what annoyed me is the fact that I was like, I do all the washing, all right? Instead of you being grateful for the fact that I was like, I do all the washing. Instead of you being grateful for the fact that you don't have to put any washing on,

she does sometimes do it. But 90% of the time, it's my job. She never does it. Stick with that. When I do the washing, I remove her items. I don't wash her items. I just wash mine. I wash the kids.

And hers stay. I've done wash her items. I just wash mine. I wash the kids. Oh, that's so good. And hers stay in there. I've done a similar thing. I hung my stuff up and not hers, so all my stuff was dry and all her stuff was still in the washing machine and it stunk. Is that just all the time or is that off the back of an argument? That's just for fun. Anyway, we have got some from listeners, argument? That's just for fun. Anyway, we have got some

from listeners, Matt. That's a great one. Yes. And this is what I'm talking about. That's my fucking bread and butter. So, if you do, we're going to read a couple out here

but if you do have any, please send some to hello at twododingdads.com or DM us on Two Doding Dads Instagram page or send it to Matt and I. Either way,

we will try and get to as many as we can. But for now, we're going to just read off a couple. What do you got? What do you got? What do you got? People are fucked. Go on, read it to me.

Okay, this one comes from, I'm just going to go anonymous in case it's not meant to be. They don't want to give themselves away because they must do this behind their back, which is way better. They're going to say, if he leaves a fingernail lying around the house, I shove it into his deodorant. What do you mean? I'm assuming it's a roll-on, so he ends up rolling the fingernail

or toenail into his armpit. He obviously doesn't know. So it's kind of a little for her internally to be like, oh, fuck you. Oh, it's like a speed stick. Yeah. She's embedding the nails into the space. That's the first one I read.

That's fucking brilliant. Brilliant. What do you got? This one's from Danielle. I won't say her last name nah say it what's her address she says the petty thing I do

with my partner I fill the bin bag as much as I fucking can because that's that's his job I want to know like is she finding things to throw out

just so he's like he's just filled he's just taking the bin bag out and she's like filling it up in five minutes. It's so good. I love this. I know that you're all doing something petty to each other and I want to know about it because I fucking love it. Also, it gives me ideas.

Oh, poor April. I know. I said the other day and I haven't quite executed it yet and I'm trying to execute it before this comes out, right, and then I can update you. But April does this thing at the moment where she's not complaining about my cooking. She's more like getting over.

The meals? The meals. Like she's like, it's not your cooking. She's like, I'm just meals? The meals Like she's like It's not you cooking She's like I'm just over steak For example Okay so how many meals Also who the fuck gets over steak I feel like men

Probably vegetarians Yeah And How many meals do you have on rotation at the moment? Oh I'm not even rotating I'm not even There's just like something If I'm like

Oh I'll just cook that Because it's easy this week And she'll be like I probably haven't cooked in ages I don't really like that What are you having the steak with? Can I just ask quickly? Meat and two veg.

What veg you got? We could do broccoli if she wants broccoli. I'm pretty flexible. Also, it's not a fucking restaurant. Jesus. Anyway, that's not the point. So I thought to myself, and I'm going to do this, and before I'm going to do it because she will complain about my cooking between now and then, I was going to myself, and I'm going to do this, and before I'm going to do it because she will complain

about my cooking between now and then, I was going to cook, the next night just cook me dinner and then be like, dinner's ready and be at the table and her plate empty and my plate full. And then when she was like, here's mine, I'd be like, well, it's hard for you to complain when there's nothing to complain about. That is such, that's such an complain when there's nothing to complain about. That is such

that's such an aggressive move. It's warranted. That's like that means it's war. That is like she'll forget

she'll forget before having any payback. Once you're going to like once you're entering that level of pettiness

it's like it's so fun. It's anyway we'll see I'll keep you updated on that. that level of pettiness, it's like… It's so fun. It's… Anyway, we'll see. I'll keep you updated on that. I like the pettiness where the other person's not quite sure that it's happening.

Like I do sometimes think like Laura might look at the laundry basket and be like, oh, my things are like that. Maybe mine were just at the bottom of the pile. Yeah, yeah. Maybe it just didn't make that load. Yeah. Whereas it's all the pile. Yeah, yeah. Maybe we just didn't make that load. Yeah. I had- Whereas it's all absolutely strategic.

Yeah. It's like when I used to work at the Timberyard, one of my many jobs, I used to share like this long desk with someone, right? It was a really long desk and there was a pole in the middle of it and it determined how big each of our desks were. That was the divider. And I was so petty that every time he pissed me off,

I would get, when he wasn't there, I'd get under the table, unscrew the leg and move it towards his side so my desk could slowly get bigger. I did that for three years. And then when I left, he looked under the table. I said, look under the table. And there was all the screw marks from, I'd moved it like that far. You are a psychopath.

I've got time. Can I just quickly, can I have one more from Maddie? And this is a great one. Maddie J? M-A-D-D-Y. Oh. Oh, Mad DJ. Mad D.

She says, my husband is terrible at returning coffee cups to the kitchen, so I make my coffee in the nice mug and then I use the mugs that I know he hates for his coffee. And that is so beautiful. Oh, it's perfect. Because you can act innocent and be like, I didn't realize. Oh, that's great. But deep down there's such deep-seated hatred.

Oh, I know, yeah. Between couples. When you do something like that, it'll get them. Yeah, yeah. Then you know you're on to something. Enjoy that mug, you piece of shit. Oh, very good. All right, keep them coming.

Let's move on to some questions, Matt. What have you got for me? Okay, question number one is from Ginger says, vasectomy or pill? Advice on who you think should be responsible for contraception. Very good. I think it depends on the circumstance. Go on.

Yeah, there's a couple of things here. In what circumstance? Say married couple. I think this is in reference to married couples. Obviously, Ash, those who are no longer wanting to have kids, hence the vasectomy. Yeah. So I think if you're in a position where you are certain

that you do not want to have kids anymore, it should be up to the guy. Yeah, yeah, definitely. It was, look, how it happened is like I was a typical man where it's like, no, I'm not doing it. I'm going to lose my superpower, that sort of shit, you know, like dumb shit, immature shit. But then I remember I told the story as well that I got it done trying to get sex, right?

Didn't backfire completely. Just remind me, did April say that like if you don't get it we won't have sex no it wasn't that i was trying to impress her okay yeah it was just because she she obviously didn't want to go on the pill because there's obviously side effects to to being on the pill yeah laura's not on the pill at the moment i never was like well you better get back on the pill or anything, Laura's not on the pill at the moment. I never was like, well, you better get back on the pill or anything like that because I think that's disrespectful. All right? I think it should be an open conversation and what works best for you.

If April was like, look, I'm happy to go back on the pill. There was no real side effects for me, whatever, we would have gone down that route. We used condoms because she didn't want to do that and I never was like, you should do that. But she was like, I think you should get a vasectomy. And I was like, no. But then realistically, it makes total sense.

It's so quick and easy. I mean, guys have got it pretty fucking good when it comes to all things contraception and childbirth and raising kids. Yeah. The least you could do is get your nuts chopped off. When you get to, what is it, like in your mid-30s, 40s, like your partner for their entire life has been in charge of the contraception.

Yeah. Hey, I'll do it. Yeah, carry the load for a little while. Yeah. Not literally. But also, if she ever leaves me, man, I go up a few points in the singles game of the 50-year-olds where it's like, have you heard Ash was out of a sex

with me and he's ready to go. Let's be honest, you're never leaving April. No, she'll have to. She'll run. I'll catch her. All right. Here we go. I have another question.

This is from Christina. Do you ever fear you aren't being a good enough parent? I think every parent feels like they're doing, in moments, not all the time, feeling like they're not doing enough. Like it's never, you're never going to be, there's no such thing as a perfect parent. No, there's different for everyone. Good you are.

Those little assholes will make life hell. They'll figure out a way. That's what they do. That's what they do. That's what they do. It's what they're good at. They're wired that way, aren't they? And like there's always going to be moments where you're exhausted and you've got no patience.

And also whether you question. I think a lot of the time you're not in the moment but maybe in reflection you think like that was shit. I know for me I'm pretty confident in not my parenting, not that it's correct or perfect or the best way to do it. Righto, legend. Righto, mate. I'm confident.

Here he is, parent of the year. Fucking hell. Don't you dare. But like I'm pretty confident with my abilities and they're not great. They're not amazing. They're where I think they should be and I'm happy with that other people might not be and that's fine fucking mind your own fucking business but like sometimes sometimes i'm with other parents that are so

their intuition and their parent skills because whether they've learned they've taken the time to learn or they're just built different. Okay. But there's some times where I've gone, like when I was telling you the story about like we went away with these other parents and their kids, and one of the mums is so great, she's built to be a mum, and she was like, we were making the kids lunch, and I just give the kids a fold over.

And if you don't know what a fold over is, where you butter, I'm, this is such a horrible thing to do. I just essentially make half a sandwich, fold it over and give it to them. That's a fold over. Okay. It's a classic.

What's on it? Peanut butter. Whatever. Usually just peanut butter. And she was making like a sandwich platter and she wasn't doing it to show off. That's what she does. Yeah. And it was like well

i'm i'm for like a shit parent but then i was like food turns into shit so what's the big deal what's the big deal do you ever have some moments when you're at the park and it's a bit like sport and that some days you know you just got your eye in and you're on point and you're playing well and there's other times where like there are times where i can get on my kids level i'm playing tea parties they're enjoying my company there's other times where like i can't i find it hard to interact with my kids like it's just it's just not happening right yeah and there's some moments where i look at like another dad at the park and he's like he was he was playing like he was catching his kids

he was a dragon and he was like rah and the kid was running away and he was like come here Timmy and I was having a day where I was struggling

to get on my kids levels Lola was like hating you she's like I hate you and I was like oh the dragon's coming and she's like fuck off

and it's those moments where I see someone else like out parenting me like out dadding me where I'm like oh I'm a bit crap yeah

I'm a bit crap there's even at daycare the kids have been working on like doing a little project a presentation so they choose a topic aren't they four?

they're four they're four so they do it with with the teacher obviously so it's they get like a big cardboard piece of paper. Marley chose snails.

She'll draw some pictures of snails, stick it to the cardboard, and she wrote a couple of facts, i.e. snails have the most teeth out of any animal. Oh, snails are slow. Fact. Fact. Do they have the most teeth out of any animal? That's like when – that's bullshit.

Do you know what? Hang on. It's like when they say Dandelion leads are the most Poisonous spiders Just because they can't Pierce the skin Garbage Are you calling Marley a liar?

Yes Well I didn't fact check this point I just put it in there She's at school going Daddy said that they Ain't got the most teeth Do they even have mouths? Hang on

They've got the ugliest eyes That's for sure Mate A garden snail has about 14,000 teeth, while some species have up to 20,000. Oh, bloody duh. There you go. But.

Imagine the dental bills. All right. Okay. So all the kids do a presentation on their topic, right? Laura and I came in, they did the presentation. Marley's cardboard you know it was done by a four-year-old right it was a kid when marley went to the corner of the room where all the projects were lined up there was one marley was even like look at this one over here they'd

chosen spiders and they had done they'd recreated spiders with like a little like foam ball with like the pipe cleaners and i like, this project was incredible. It was an adult's job. It was an adult's job. And I was like, oh, all of a sudden, Marley's project looked a little- Shit. Shit.

But keeping in mind, it's by a four-year-old. And I was like, oh, I'm a bad parent. Let your kid do the project. Let your kid do the project. All right? But it's not that they're scoring him. Unless that kid did do the project, then I'm like, damn, that was red hot. That kid needs to be tested.

Yeah, I know what you mean. But I don't really know what you mean because I haven't had to do the presentation yet. I'm looking forward to it. Good luck to Oscar when that time comes. You and him both. What are we going to do? What are we going to do? What are we going to do? Whatever it will be, it will be lackluster.

And in Ash's words, he's okay with that. Absolutely, I'm fine with that. There's nothing wrong with mediocrity. That's a big word for me. Hey, I do want to say that you may have seen on our socials that we do have pre- order is available for the book, Two Dirty Dads, The Quest for Free Time. Some are calling it the best kids book ever written.

Absolutely. Those people are myself and Ash. Only two have actually read it. I can only dream, a bit like The Hungry Caterpillar, that generations to come, Ash, even at a point where you and I are no longer around, the kids are still reading this book and it's being enjoyed by not just the parents but the kids as well.

That is my dream. They're going to make it into a movie, feature film. That's what we hope. That's the plan. That will happen. But it is available for pre-order. It doesn't come out until August. But if you want to get your hands on it, you can order it now.

There's a link in the bio in the show notes of this episode. Get it. We would love your support. Absolutely, we would. And if you've enjoyed this episode, please. Before we go. Oh, fuck. What have I done? This is concerning. Oh, fuck. What have I done? This is concerning. Good friend of mine, currently pregnant, right? They were talking to the midwife and the husband said, hey, can you recommend any podcasts out there?

Parenting podcast. No. Guess what was recommended by the midwife? Two Dining Dance. Yes. Shut up. I know. We've infiltrated.

We've infiltrated. New South Wales Hells are on the phone. Please stop what you're doing. The next generation is absolutely doomed. I would like to say that we're going to have a hand in that. Have you been directed here

by New South Wales Health? Turn right around. Get a new midwife. That's what I wanted to say. I don't know who this midwife is, but we need to... If she's listening... Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, but also... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Keep it's listening. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. But also. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Keep it at that. I was going to say something else nice. Go on.

You're doing a great job. No, that feels weird hearing you say that. I know. I feel dirty saying it. Anyway, if you've enjoyed this episode, please share it with a midwife or a friend. Feel free to leave a review as well. That'd be great.

We love it. We get together every Sunday and we read them. That's what we do. We still do that. We still do that. Lots of great feedback on Spotify. We get the odd one on Apple Podcasts. I'd love more.

I'll be honest. Jump on our socials. Give us a follow. Send us a DM. And I think that's it. I think that's it for us today. I think that's everything. That's everything for today.

Congratulations on wearing the Legion S hat the entire episode. Thank you. My head is itchy. We'll see you guys. Okay. Turn your mic off. Okay, bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.