Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #66 Are You Going To Dirty Talk.... Or Not?

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

Happy Mother's Day! We adore you, and yes, we would not be here without you. ❤️❤️❤️ The Wicks spend a weekend away from the kids and decide to bring a carry-on friend with them for the trip. Can they get it through customs, though?  Oscar has learnt a new phrase except he doesn't realise how rude he is!  Matt treats Laura to the highly coveted parent sleep-in but reckons she's getting way more sleep than she thinks. Daddy J also has a new hack to convince Lola to love him and we're not sure how long he can keep up this new hack...  We have a new segment called Petty Couples! Make sure you share your best stories with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  Email: [e-mail]  We're giving away FREE cases of STONE AND WOOD!  All you have to do is share an IG story of you listening to Two Doting Dads!  Be sure to tag @twodotingdads and @stoneandwood in the story, and one lucky listener will win a case of delicious beer every week! 🍺🍺🍺  Extra points for the most creative and number of posts 😉See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Matt, before we get into the episode today, just want to wish all the mothers out there a happy Mother's Day for Sunday just gone. Absolutely. My mum's in town at the moment. She's sort of stuck in town. It's a long story. And also April's a mum. I don't know if you knew that.

I had my suspicions. So happy Mother's Day. You're doing a fantastic job to all the mums out there. I also want to say to all the mums out there, thank you. I hope you had a fantastic Mother's Day. In particular, my beautiful wife, Laura, my mother, raising a family is incredibly hard, but the two of you do an amazing job. I love you.

So thank you. We do thank you. For your service. Welcome back to T-Doting Dads. I am Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable. If you have come wanting any type of advice,

this is the wrong podcast for you. Yes. Hey, before we do get into it. Yeah. I was away on the weekend. I went to a wedding and at the wedding, they had a beer package, which was subpar for me. I will say. Why? If they're listening, I'm sorry. They didn't have stonewood. Okay. They had stonewood there. I had to pay for it. Oh, it wasn't included. No. That's cheeky. That's cheeky.

I get it. Like people went with different packages because different tastes. It's not catered for me. But also, it's very sneaky. It's like saying, would you like a glass of water? We have gutter water for free or we have ice sparkling, which is going to cost you money. And it was 10 bucks a beer because it was in an establishment. So I spent $150 on beers that day at a wedding,

and I gave them a wedding gift. Why don't you bring your own? Just rock up with a carton of Stonewoods. Yes, but that leads me into what we're drinking today, which is Pacific Ale, and it is Stonewood, of course. Beautiful. Bar and Bay in a bottle. It is Bar and Bay.

Cheers. So just like it tasted on the weekend. Question for you. We've given a few different scenarios of where the beer tastes better. We have barbecue at home. We have the football. Where does the wedding rank in improving the delivery? I'll tell you what.

After a subpar crispy lager that they had going on there, it was worth every cent. It was up there because everyone was walking around with their crap beers and I was like, oh, look at me. But I didn't have to pay for it. But then that money that you spent gets reinvested in the podcast because they're a sponsor. So it's just the cycle of life keeps going.

It's the cycle of life. So we would like to thank Stonewood for making this episode possible. Cheers. Cheers to you. Cheers to us. Cheers to them. Cheers to all of us. Ash, before I forget, we have something very exciting that we've come up with.

If you would like to get your hands on a free case of Stonewood beer, all you have to do is put a story up on social media of you listening to the pod, tag us, tag Stonewood, and we'll pick one person per week to have a case of beer sent directly to their home, but we'll put those details in the show notes. How are you, man? I'm good. We did go away, like I said.

We did go on holidays. Whoa. Okay, let me stop. Were you emceeing that wedding? No. No, just relaxing. I was just an enjoyer of weddings. It was a lovely wedding.

I shouldn't shit on them. It was a lovely wedding. I shouldn't shit on them. It was a lovely wedding. Great view, great outlook. But it was a wedding in which we didn't take the children. So, of course, we got to travel without the kids together, April and I, for the weekend, just solo. It's beautiful. It takes a little while to acclimatize that new environment.

It's like you've forgotten your keys or something. You're like, something's missing. That's right. My screaming children. Yeah, it was peaceful. But with a mummy and daddy weekend, mummy and daddy things tend to happen. Go on. So we did travel with another couple.

They didn't have their kids, obviously. It was great. Nice and free-flowing chat about all sorts of things. As adult weekends happen, adult things can sometimes happen. Where are you going with this? So we were traveling. Carry on because we just went for two nights. We sort of got halfway through the security line,

and I leer over to what April was doing on her phone, and she was Googling something quite suspicious, Matthew. What do you think she was Googling? Maybe like liquids? Like how much you can... Yeah? Air salts? Because everyone's always a bit confused about domestic versus international. I think you like... I still don't know. Was it...

Did you like a bottle of water? Like a... What's it? A therapy water? What do women like to bring in? Thermal. No, no. They like... It's a comfort. Comfort water. Give me one second. An emotional support water bottle. Oh, yeah.

It's just a water bottle. No, it's an emotional support water bottle. What's the difference? It provides emotional support. How? The bigger the water bottle, the more support it provides. I've got a business idea for us. We should make drink bottles that have a little pep talk in it.

So you press a button. It's like, you can do it. And make it massive. Bigger than the Stanley ones. Huge, yeah. So she had to check that in. Yeah, like life-size. That wasn't in a carry-on.

She checked that in. Anyway, she got a bit freaked out midway through the line because the person at security was going, laptop's out of the bag. You know how they do that sort of stuff. And she was Googling if she can take sex toys through Carrier. What kind of sex toys is she bringing? Ones that have like serrated edges and a lighter?

She was worried that she was going to have to get it like a laptop, get it out of her bag and put it onto the X-ray machine. How many did she have with her? No, she just had the one. She just had the one. Thank you, Amy Gerard. She just had the one, but it was really funny because I was like, what are you doing?

And she's Googling, can I take sex toys on carry-on? And what was Google telling her? We didn't get that far because I just put a stop to that immediately. Never trust Google first and foremost. First of all, I was guaranteed I was getting some on the weekend. So that's a fucking- Did you know it was in the bag? No.

Oh, so you were like, woohoo. And then she was like, oh, hang on a minute. Can you carry my bag for me? It was my bag. And obviously, you don't have to get it out like it's a laptop because a laptop, it's like, I don't know what the deal is with that. Is it the lithium? I was like.

Don't know. Must be the lithium. It's like a petrol-powered sex toy. It's like, make sure you get that out of there. She's got a pull start. Two-stroke. Two-stroke is correct. She was like, come on, just take my bag for me.

I was like, pretend it's your bag. But also, do you think that the way that you were acting, like if April's getting a little bit flustered and she's like, you carry it, and you're like, I'm not carrying it, you carry it. Do you reckon security would have been looking at the two of you going, this is a red flag? I said, let's just get it out. And she was like, don't.

Don't you dare. You guys are like showing all the signs for suspicious people who are potentially carrying something that may be- We both got cavity searched. You didn't get it out. No, no, no. You didn't get it out. She was very, she said, I'll be so embarrassed if you get it out.

I said, but it's my bag apparently. So I had to take the bag through. That way if it was like, sir, is this your bag? I would have had to be like, yes, that is my bag. Do you think the guy sitting there in the chair looking at the screen as things are being x-rayed, do you reckon he could have seen that thing? He would have seen that next to a bottle of lube and gone, something's not right here.

What's up, my man? My man. I wonder why the bag took forever to come through. But I can imagine that they would have to deal with that scenario a lot, right? Where it would be like, people just get on the caravan, especially if it's like two people, you know, like a couple going away. They would see some serious shit. Yeah.

So if you operate one of those machines. What have you seen? What have you seen? Look, have you seen one of those fists? What have you seen? What have you seen? Look, have you seen one of those fists? Those big black giant size.

No judgment, of course. It's like up to your elbow. Yeah. I'm not getting any because of it. Well, hang on a second. Hang on a second. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It is tricky.

It is tricky when you're away from the kids and you're at something like a wedding because on the one hand you're like, oh, man, I'm child free. I can let loose. I can have fun. I can party. But then at the same time, these days I dare say once it gets past 11 o'clock and I've had a bit to drink, the chances of having a little snuggle, a.k.a.

It goes down. There's a scale. Yeah. So April always says she wants to be at peak performance. She's an athlete. She's an athlete. It's not happening after we've had a couple of drinks. It's like, nah.

She takes pride in her work, and I like that about her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like a next day thing. But also we were sharing an Airbnb with another couple. So it's like she was trying to be discreet. I don't know how that would have happened. And you are quite loud. I'm a loud man.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not. I love that you're like, hang on a second. No, I'm not. Anyway, it was a lovely weekend. So that's how I am. Can I ask? Yes. Can I ask?

Yes. Can I ask if I may? What's this? What is this? It's fluff on the table. Cats. Could be my cat's fur. Can I ask, and I don't want to pry too much into your private life.

I know April doesn't really appreciate it too much, talking about these types of topics. She's so sick of being embarrassed. But I'll put this one on you then. Yeah. Do you do much, how do you say, dirty talk? No. In the bedroom?

Nothing. What am I going to say? Oh, those dishes really need a good cleaning. I mean. No. Come back. No, no, no. No, you don't give like a little bit of something, something.

You never like, you ever give like. Is this a sex podcast now? No. Because I'm also, I'm not one to be very vocal in the bedroom. Every now and then I sometimes give like a, ooh, like, that's great. That feels good. It's so awkward. But no, do you know what makes it even more awkward?

What's that? Well, like recently, recently Laura and I, we were intimate, if you will. If you will. And I was like, I'm going to throw some words out there. Try some things out. I'm going to say some things. I'm going to like, you know, I feel like Laura really likes it. She loves it.

She loves it when I'm vocal. Go on. like Laura really likes it. She loves it. She loves it when I'm vocal. But there's nothing more awkward than someone like myself, who is not very vocal, who is trying to be vocal. And you know, when you're thinking about the words you're about to say, and the more you think about it, it's just, you've got to just get it out. But I'm thinking, is that going to sound weird? Just say it, just say it, just say it. And I said it, but I said it too quietly. And then Laura said, huh? Oh, that's sexy.

And you're like, do you like that? What did you say? You said, do you like that? Oh, my God, my skin's crawling. That's so awkward. No, do you like that? No. No.

Yuck. I'm not into that. That is so... Especially when she's like, what did you say? Huh? I like that. What are you meant to say? Nothing.

You keep your mouth shut. What do people? It's hard. I just think. It's hard. I'm sorry, Laura. There's people that like do it and there's people who don't. I feel like 99% of guys don't say anything.

No, they wouldn't. There'd be women listening right now going, I haven't had a man ever say anything. It's the only time. It'd probably be the only time I don't say anything. If there's any female. April's happy for the quiet time. If there's any female listeners, just a couple of,

and our DMs are going to be full of filth. What's a line that you wouldn't mind hearing during sex? Help a guy out. Help a man out. Help two men out. Wow. Who are struggling. Actually speaking about the topic of sleep.

Sex or sleep? Or is this actual sleep? This is actual sleep. Sorry, actual sleep. I love sleep. Actual sleep. Laura, very busy during the week. Very busy.

Has a schedule that is absolutely jam-packed, Ashton Wicks. And she's up quite early in the mornings during the week as well. She's definitely not getting her eight hours. So come the weekend, she does like a lion. Does like a lion and I'm more than- A lion. Sorry. That's terrible. That's a terrible day. That was one of a lion. Yeah. That's like a lion and I'm more than- A lion. Sorry. That's terrible.

That's a terrible joke. That was one of your words. Sorry. We'll leave it in there. Lie in. Got it. And I sometimes say, you know, like that must have been a nice lion. And she's like, no, I didn't get a good night's sleep last night

because I was up so much with the girls. First of all- Please. That could come across two different ways. Go on. You don't want to stir the pot by saying, oh, that must have been a nice lie because she thinks you're being cheeky. Oh, yeah.

That was a jab. A jab. Like, oh, it must be nice to lie in. No, it's very aggressive. I don't poke like that. It's more of a like, I did good to give you that lie in. So now it's your to thank. Well, hang on.

So you're saying me for that? You're just, well, I give her, hang on. We're getting off track here. Okay, sorry. We're getting off track here. And I'm being attacked, which I also don't appreciate. Okay. This is a safe place.

You should know that. As you were. I never judge you. Bullshit. But she was like oh I just I still feel tight even though I've been in bed for you know

yeah eight or more hours oh that's funny you must have overslept but she said I'm up all night all throughout the night

it's alright and I was like let me just check my stats because I wear my garment to bed I like to have a little glance every now and then at how my sleep is going I was up last night

for four minutes total that's pretty good my garment gives up last night for four minutes total. That's pretty good. My Garmin gives me that reading. Four minutes? Yeah. I'm a pretty heavy sleeper.

And Laura was like, man, she's like, that must be bloody nice to only be up. Is that normal? I don't know. For people? I don't know. So Laura couldn't believe it. Laura was like, I'm up at least seven, eight times throughout the night. And I was like, no, you're not. How would you know? That's an exaggeration. I know. I know. So I said, look, wear the garment.

Wear the garment. Let's track your sleep. Anyway, recently on Laura's podcast, Life Uncut, she has said this. Saturday afternoon, we went to a friend's house. We'd had quite a few margaritas in the afternoon and I was feeling a little bit spicy and dicey. Anyway, went to bed. Matt, that night he was like, okay, wear my gum and see how your sleep is. Not only do I know that I woke up so much during the night, because when I'm a bit hungover, I can't sleep. So I'm awake, like laying at the ceiling awake. Not only that, did I get up? I got up three times for Lola. Lola came into the bed. I went up and I got a bottle of water. Anyway, I woke up in the morning and I was like, I'm so glad. I went up and I got a bottle of water. Anyway, I woke up in the

morning and I was like, I'm so glad. I am so glad I wore the garment last night because he's going to see just how bad my sleep was. Eight hours and 25 minutes awake for two minutes. She's essentially blamed. She's blaming the technology. I mean, someone as reputable as garment. I don't know how long they've been in operation. I want to say- Look, I've got a gripe with them at the moment. Yeah, I know you do. I so like-

But also- You and Laura both. You're cut from the same cloth. You can't- Okay. It's been attached to your wrist or not, and you're saying that it's giving Matt one reading and you a completely different reading,

and you're not willing to accept that. I will say, I will say, deep sleep, two hours, 18, light sleep, six hours, 21 minutes, REM. Not enough here, 33 minutes. Guess how long she was awake for? How long? Two minutes. Two minutes.

How dare she? Have a dig at you. Two minutes. How dare she? Have a dig at you. I can see her face right now. Just be like, nope, that's not true. I was up heaps of times. She rips the garment off. Smashes it on the ground. That's unbelievable.

Between the two of you. The garment doesn't lie, bro. You're awake six minutes in the middle of the night like ground. That's unbelievable. Between the two of you. The Garmin doesn't lie, bro. You're awake six minutes in the middle of the night like that. I checked mine. I'm awake 48 minutes. What are you doing for 48 minutes? I'm usually getting smacked in the face by Oscar. He cannot sleep in his bed to save his life.

Wow. Like he is in. He does this thing where he gets in and just puts his hands around my throat. Is he trying to kill me? Macy's still in the cot, right? Oscar's in a little bed? Yeah, he's in like a single bed. Does he ever say, daddy, come and lie in bed with me?

No, he can't because he thinks my bed's his bed. So he never asks you to come into his bed. Ah, okay. No. I have done the thing where he comes into me and I've gone, I'm not putting up with this, and I just go straight into his bed. Yeah, that's like. And then I wake up next to Macy and she's like, oh.

Oscar, you've grown so much. Is that what puberty looks like? Lola, Lola does a thing rarely happens with me. Happens always with Laura, obviously the favorite where she'll say, like come into bed

with me. Like she wakes up, she can't find a dummy. You go in the room, give her the dummy and then she's like, hop into bed with me for the first time.

Wow. For the first time last night. Ever. Maybe it's happened once before. You can remember. Yeah. I have a bad memory. Let's say it's the first time. Wow. For the first time last night. Ever. Maybe it's happened once before. You can remember. Yeah, I have a bad memory. Let's say it's the first time.

Well, if you're only awake for four minutes, how do you remember? But she was like, I gave her the dummy, was waiting for her to say, not you, you prick. Where's mum? That didn't happen. Your hair's not long enough to be the one I want. Yeah, she can smell me. Even when she's asleep, she's like, sounds like.

It smells like a little bitch. Desperation. It comes with a desperate one. Literally. Except that I gave her the dummy and she then looked at me and she said, hop in the bed. Come into bed with me. Did you just turn the light on and go, celebrate?

No, because then I was like, I was like. You know I'm not Laura. I don't want to stuff this up. Did Laura. I don't want to stuff this up. Did you? I don't want to stuff it up. Well, so like slow. She's also very particular where she's like, she's got little toys and sometimes, you know.

Yeah, they've got to be in order. And you like lean on the toy and she's like, you're fucking, you're crushing Timmy. Get off him, you animal. Timmy gets a roar. He gets a red hot guy, doesn't he? So I'm worried. I'm like, you know, I don't want to step.

Lola's a mum in her bed. She's got her little babies, her soft toys. So I didn't want to damage the soft toy. Also sometimes not sure what side she wants me to go in. Like there's so many rules. I'm walking on eggshells here. It's still not worth it. Feel up.

Nah, stuff ya. But then the harder it is to get, the more i want it i know that's the sad thing about being desperate but i got into bed with her and it was like being in bed with a child i knew i knew that it was coming the fact that she was going to say- Get out. Get out of bed. Yeah. But I was just like, it's not when, it's if. But I was like, every second was a second that I was enjoying savoring. How are you fitness in four minutes?

I don't know. No, this is before I went to bed. Oh, okay, okay. Sorry. Sorry. I was like, whoa. No, this was like, I was hopping into bed and you know, when you go to bed and the moment your head hits the pillow,

the kids wake up. Oh, yeah. One of those scenarios. So I was in in a bed and, you know, when you go to bed and the moment your head hits the pillow, the kids wake up. Oh, yeah. One of those scenarios. So I was in bed with her. I got like 45 seconds, I'm going to say, in bed with her. But there's a reason, Ash. Okay. There's a reason why she's warm to me.

Okay. Something that I'm now doing. Do it. Give it. During the day. Is this a visual? Am I going to get to see something? This, my friend, is a visual.

And we will put this on socials because maybe there are some parents out there who have a child that hates them. This trick. It's a trick. Maybe all you need to get those kids back on site. Oh, yeah, okay. Watch this video and see if you can figure out what the hack is. Oh, that's you.

You look so handsome. and see if you can figure out what the hack is. Oh, that's you. Hey, Lola, who have you got? You look so handsome. Lola, who have you got there? Doggy. It's your doggy. Does he need a little pat? Does he need a little pat on his nose maybe? My dog is going to eat you.

Your doggy is going to eat you. Your dog is going to eat me. So the hack is pretend to be another pet. I have to pretend to be a dog. And it works like a charm. Does it? I can see. It's unbelievable. I've never seen her hold your head or anything like that.

But the issue is, like, whenever I'm not the dog, she's like, be the dog again. Yeah, get down on all fours. Loves to ride me. Oh, my God. But nothing has been more effective. Who gave you this tip? It kind of just, we were playing one day,

and I kind of just organically fell into the role of the dog. And then from that moment on, I saw her eyes lit up and she was like, oh, my puppy. And I was like. She's got poor busters. Yeah, busters. Fuck. First a cat.

Now the guy who owns me is starting to act like a dog. Like cutting his grass. I know. I know. He's like, I can't fucking win here. I've got three legs. I know. Lola can't get enough of me. That's good. As I know. He's like, I can't fucking win here. I've got three legs. I know. Lola can't get enough of me.

That's good. As a dog. That's good. So I read her a bedtime story and I'm like, try not to piss on her leg, would you? That would completely ruin it. Yeah. I mean, it is concerning.

She's probably telling her friends going, Dad's lost it. No, I reckon. Dad's lost the plot. I reckon she loves it. She's probably telling her friends going, dad's lost it. No, I reckon. Dad's lost the plot. I reckon she loves it. She's like this pathetic guy. She's like, I've managed to get him to pretend to be a dog and he's fucking taken a hook, line and sinker.

Took the bait real easy. And she's like, he's such a loser. I know. He will do anything. They're at kindy now sitting around the blocks going, guess what? She's like, yeah, you couldn't believe. I get him eating outside now from a dog bowl. He can't shit or piss inside the house.

Him and Buster are just sharing a bed. And he keeps coming back for more. I've noticed you've got a dog bed in the bedroom. It must be yours. That's mine. That's mine. So. If ever she's having a tantrum

it's all it takes is that why you barked at me when i came in yeah i'm just i'm so i'm so in character now i bit the postman when he came yesterday just to impress lola poor buster the things we do the things you do the things you have to do to gain the love of your child. And honestly, you've really scraped the bottom of the barrel. I'll stop at nothing. That's good to know. Yeah. She was very sweet to you.

I could see she was very sweet. It's good to know she's like that nice to animals. She's got it in her. She does have it in her. But just not whilst I'm- She's going to be with a dog for the rest of your life at her 18th birthday i'll walk her down the aisle at a wedding very good marley and oscar are like the same age and oscar hasn't quite understand that attitude and tone also comes into it when you're conversing with someone. So I'm chatting with you. If I was like, yeah, good one, bro.

You're like, oh. Tone was off? Tone was off. If I said, good one, bro. You'd be like. Love that. Love that. Or something like that.

So Oscar quite hasn't worked it out, but he started to do this thing, which it's rude. I'm just going to say it. It's fucking rude. But he doesn't know that. So I don't know if Marley does it too. And it's about the tone in which he converses with me. And I'll try and give you an example and see where you can pick up

what I'm talking about. So? So a normal person would say, hey, are we going to the park? Question. Very monotoned, straight at you. No attitude. Yes or no question. He's picked up this thing where he goes, are we going to the park or not?

I love that. But he does it with everything. He was like, we're eating rice bubbles. And he was like, oh, can I have some more, please? Really lovely. I was like, yeah. He was like, are you getting me some more or not? Just adding the or not.

That's such a like, or or not or should i just give up wanting an extra bit of milk he said this morning because we were talking about what he wants for his birthday because his birthday's coming up and that's cool he's are you gonna get me a fucking present or not that's exactly what he said but he doesn't know it's it's it's he doesn't understand the tone in the conversation how do you explain this to him? I can't. I even have tried to sass him back and be like, oh, okay, bro. He takes that as a yes because I've said okay. I love how, like, you've got two ways of dealing with it. You can sit him down and explain the right and wrong way to use tone

and you're like. Would you relax, bro? Would you settle down? Yeah, because that'll just confuse. Would you relax, bro? Would you just settle down? Yeah, he's four. He's four. He's not going to understand. He'll be walking around. His inflections will be way off.

He'll be like one of those kids that's, one of those people grow up with like a weird inflection where they just like don't quite hit the high note on a conversation. So I feel like if I sass him back enough, he'll be like, what's with the chute? And I can be like, I'm glad you bring it up. You're just building his arsenal of tone. He's now going to-

Yeah. Are you going to hug me or not? Are you going to cuddle me or not? I'll see if I can get some footage of him doing it. I like how direct he is. It's the or not. Especially like the most simplest thing. He's like, are you going to help me with my shoes or not?

But it has my, like, has my leave of. No, the only thing that she does, I don't know if it's just something that's ingrained in us that isn't necessarily taught. It just happens over time. But she rolls her eyes. Oscar is the worst at that. Rolls her eyes on.

This kid's attitude is unacceptable. Maybe, I don't know if other kids are doing it. He's so good at it too, those young eyes. Those young eyes are so flexible. They're literally in the back of his head. I was like, is she having a seizure? She's just disgusted in me trying to get her ready for bed

but if I say if I say alright Molly TV's going off it's time for the bath she's like if I where'd this come from

and then you're just going to wait for it to be like are we going to have ice cream or not or no or no it's such

it's a very American thing they go is that right or no Lola's going to be like are you going to be a dog or not? Or no? Or no? It's a very American thing they go. Is that right or no? Lola's going to be like, are you going to be a dog or not? Are you going to be a dog or not? Get back into it. They need to work on their attitude, these kids. Speaking of attitude, should we go into our favorite segment, which is petty couples.

Please. Or not. Are we going to do the segment or not? Yeah. Petty Couples Please Or not Are we going to do the segment or not? Petty Couples Walking down the street Petty Couples The kind I like to meet Petty Couples

I love you but I'm immature No one can push me quite like you. Let me in on your humour. Matt, I will say I fucking love this segment so much because I am a very petty person. You are. As you've picked up. You are. People always ask me, what's Ash like?

And I say, he's lovely, but he's very petty. He's very petty. And honestly, I love it. The repercussions of it down the track when they say karma, I'll almost welcome it. Karma's a bitch. I should have known better. Sorry, Jojo Siwa, what's up?

Great new song. Get, stream get to my podcast. For anyone who's not watching eight hours of TikTok a day, must be very confused right now. Yes. Okay. Anyway, let's get back to it. Go to Maka.

This one's from Maka. Maka says, my husband is petty whenever we argue, so much so that he builds a pillow fort between us in the bed so he can't see me or we can't touch it. We can't touch. I love that. Talk about a child, she says. I have a variation of this.

Go on. I get the shits with April watching TV in bed on her phone and then turning all the lights out to get the mood for herself. But I'm trying to sleep. She's got headphones in or is it is it a light it's the blue light it's a lot so the other day she was doing it and i've set up a pillow fort across where my head is so if she turns around you can see my body but not my head i love that who who knew those skills we learn as six-year-olds i'm building forts would come

in handy when we're married. Yeah. That's the only time it does come in. We have like a limit on the number of pillows in our bed. I'm only allowed one pillow. You're allowed one pillow? One pillow. Yeah.

In your dog bed? Well, just when I sleep, just so you know, I sleep my elbows out. And so I push the pillow. So Laura's got me on a- A one pillow? She rationed me to one pillow in the bedroom. What's your pillow preference? Firm or soft?

Oh, firm. Oh, this is going to be disgusting. Go on. I've had the same pillow for the whole time I've been with April. 13 years. How yellow stained is it? It's not. It's like a foam pillow.

Okay. Okay. With a mesh outline. Does it have a use-by date? Because some pillows now have like- That's a marketing ploy. Yeah. Hey, this one is from Anonymous.

You can. I will remind people. Are they anonymous or not, Matt? They are anonymous. You don't have to give your details. Some people, as I can appreciate- They want to stay anonymous. There are a few couples.

A few couples who both listen in. And I can, you know, imagine hearing in your partner. The kids that are listening in the car now, it's great that they're talking about their parents instead of these kids. That's it. So they are anonymous. They say, oh, here we go. My husband listens.

Hello. So you can't say my name. It's probably April. He's a FIFO worker and he always likes to get one last bit of sexy time in before he flies out. That's completely fair. Go. So on his last day when the kids are at school or during daycare,

that's the time for the sexy time. Business time. However, if he annoys me during the week, for example, if he goes fishing and he hasn't done his jobs around the house, mm-hmm, sexy time is not going to happen. So she says, I purposely book something in during his desired sexy time window and say it's the only time they had left and explain, you know I can't take the kids when you're gone, so this is my only time to do it.

Take that. Clever, clever. And also, April says that to me. Damn. The realisation there. It's the only time they could do it. It's the only time they could fit me in. Oh, really?

Do you know what? Next time she says that to me, I'm going to ring the place and be like, I heard this is the only time you can fit her in. I reckon they'd be like, it's a husband. Just make up a story. Code red. Code red. Should we go into questions, Matt?

Hey, actually, before we go into the list of questions, a really quick one. With your breakfast with the kids in the morning, do you give them an option or do you just make their breakfast and they get what they're given? Well, Oscar would say, are you going to give us options or not? That little kid. That little bastard.

I give them options. I usually would say, what do you want for breakfast, Macy? The answer is usually, sauce, which is toast. I got that. Okay. But lately she's like, rice bubbles. She's got a cute little voice. It's weird.

It's like Macy's in the room with us right now. Oscar's like, noosery grains, which is Nutri-Grain. Yeah. Nutri-Grain. Get that. He will say toast now how she says it. Do you ever, my kids do this all the time and it does my head in. Like this morning, Marley was like, I want scrambled eggs,

which I'm happy to do. Jesus. Which I'm happy to do. It's a ball egg because obviously you've got to. I'm not doing that. You've got to make scrambled eggs. I just tell them I'm out of eggs. See, Marley, it's the one dish that she eats all of it herself.

Oh, that's good. So I can make it. It's high effort. How many eggs do you have? She has two. Two eggs., that's good. So I can make it. It's high effort. How many eggs does she have? She has two. Two eggs. That's pretty good. Thank you.

Thank you. No one's just lifting more than you at the gym. She's like, fuck it, Dad. Don't kick me when I'm down, mate. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry. But I make the eggs. I put the eggs in front of her.

She says, I want Weet-Bix. All the time, dude. All the time. No. All the time. No, not ever. And then we'll have a full-blown meltdown, like kicking and screaming tantrum because I'm like, I'm not going to waste these eggs. Yeah.

You've got to eat the fucking eggs. Yeah, that's fair. Mate, you are not in the wrong. I'm like, what do I do here? I think if she, I'm a very big fan of if you make your bed, you're laying it. She's got to sleep in the scrambled eggs? Yes.

Well, when I was a kid, anything I didn't eat or I didn't put into the dishwasher or the sink ended up in my bed. What? Yeah. That was the threat anyway. Who was – did it actually end up in there? No, because it scared the shit out of me. So I never – I don't recall. yeah that was the threat anyway who was did it actually end up in there no because I would it scared the shit out of me

so I never I don't I don't recall I definitely think some dishes have been in there I do yeah I do recall my mum my older brother

Adam not to call you out hope you're well but he used to never he's definitely not listening he's not listening nah but your mum is he used to never put his dishes

in the dishwasher he'd just leave it on the kitchen table. And I do recall mum putting that in his bed. Yeah. I think it's a generational thing, but we didn't ever have a dishwasher because we were poor. No, we just didn't have one. I'm not sure why.

We lived in a rental back then and they didn't. Now they're like standard. But like it was an ongoing threat from my dad, which of course would have probably handed down from here so i should threaten to put the eggs in marley's bed yeah do something see what happens just be like or i'll do if you don't eat it now next time you ask me for something to eat this is what you'll be eating so like for example i don't want to disagree with you here because kids always go go like say for dinner, they're like, I'm full.

And then they're like, I want a snack. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. If you're full, you can't eat a snack. And if you want a snack, you must be hungry. So if you're hungry, here's dinner. Laura's going to be so confused when she's like, why do we have moldy eggs in Marley's bed all week? I'm teaching her a lesson from Ash.

I think if she wants to have a meltdown over it, let her have the meltdown and go, there's still nothing else, so that she knows that even though she melts down, she's not going to get the results she wants. Am I a genius or not? I think I'm not having that. If Macy and Oscar do this thing where they're like,

I want a banana. Love that. Fruit's great. Take one bite and Oscar do this thing where they're like, I want a banana. Love that. Fruit's great. Take one bite and I catch them trying to put it in the bin. And I'm like, get it out of the bin. Now you're eating it. Get it out of the bin. You're not eating anything else or you can go to bed.

And it could be like nine in the morning. You're going to bed. Like that's the threat. And usually it gets them. Usually. A few times my kids have slept 13 hours

otherwise I'm dusting that banana off and it's going straight in my mouth I've got another question this is that was a one I threw in there

that was a host question that was a host question yeah yeah this is from Jessica oh how to stop a 22 month old from hitting

pinching, biting her four-year-old sister without us smacking her. I'm glad that you're not smacking your children. But why is it always the younger one hitting the older one? Because Macy's the same. I think. What does she do to Oscar? She just sits on him.

She just teases him because it's all about the reaction of the other kid, I would say. Does the four-year-old really react? And if so, the other one knows they're going to get a little reaction out of it and we're all about reactions. My kids thankfully don't bite. They definitely hit each other but not with any malice. This is controversial and I'm definitely not condoning this type of behavior

because she is saying she doesn't want to resort to violence. Yeah, because that would just make it, then the kids would think it's okay to hit people. Okay. That's what I'm saying. But just hear me out. Just hear me out. Depends what you hit them with.

And I will just preface this and say, it's not me. I didn't do this. I'm also not saying that other people should do this, but I'm just giving an example of what happened with a family friend of ours. I'm locked in. Okay. So they had a child. I was younger when this was happening.

They had a child that wouldn't stop biting other kids, was a serial biter. It was almost like a cannibal. Just like to taste other people. He just wouldn't stop biting and it was a real problem because no one likes a biter. That's like that's one of I think the worst scenarios.

If you're in the park and your kid is biting other kids. It must be embarrassing. It's embarrassing. And people listening would know. I don't know because thankfully my kids are perfect. Nah. But people listening will know. I don't know because thankfully my kids are perfect. It's like – Nah. Just haven't bitten anyone. But people who have been in that situation, it's like a low point.

Yeah, that sucks. That sucks. It's a tricky one. So she was in that scenario. Yeah. And I remember my mum was speaking to her and saying like, this is what you should try doing. Obviously, like they're trying to talk it out.

Then one day she came in and she's like, I fixed the problem. So she caught him biting someone. She just then turned around. You know where this is going. No. She just bit her kid. She gave him a taste of his own medicine. Oh my God.

Never bit again. I don't know how hard she was biting him, but I think she made him like. Did we actually have a conversation about this before where April pretended to, because Macy went to, or Oscar went like, oh, like a gnaw on her arm, but not like a bite, like a. And April did it back? I don't remember. And he went, oi.

And she was like, see, you know, it didn't actually bite. Did it work? Don't know. The jury's out. Yeah, I don't know. She's got to be more forceful. She's got to draw blood. Is that what happened?

You have to bite a finger off for it to work effectively. Okay, so let me get this straight. This person, this kid, bit another kid at a park. Well, I don't know the exact location, Ash, if you're going to choose specifics. I want to know. Okay, just hypothetically. Please.

Was it a park? Then her reaction, his or her reaction? Their own kid. They bit their own kid. How do you like it situation? Exactly. And they never bit again. Never bit again never well bit again

and i'm not saying that we should go out there and start biting our own kids i hope you're not saying that because that will get us cancelled but there's a bunch of vampires out there going what's wrong with us all i'm saying that's pretty red say. I mean, as Laura says, like we've got a three-year-old who still has a dummy. We don't know how to stamp out that kind of negative behaviour, so you probably shouldn't come to me for advice. It's also like when you're going through school and stuff like that, they say treat others how you want to be treated.

It's a bit like that sort of situation. So maybe we'll go with maybe don't bite your kid. Maybe go, how would you like it if I bit you? No, that general parenting stuff sucks. Yeah, it does. I can bite away. Get a set of knuckle dusters. If you're a parent out there, bite your kids.

Or not. We didn't tell you to do that. Or not. We'll emphasize. Are you going to bite me or not? I have a question for you. Go on. This is from Lucinda.

Hello, Lucinda. Hi, Lucinda. It's a very pretty name. Lucinda Bell was a girl in my primary school. Lovely, lovely young lady. Lucinda Bell. Lucinda Bell. Could be her.

Lucy Goosey Lucinda Bell. What? What's wrong with that? Lucy Goosey Lucinda Bell. Weird. You don't know how she turned out. Fuck is wrong with that? Lucy Goosey Lucinda Bell. You don't know how she turned out. Fuck is wrong with you. Who handles bedtime at your place? She goes on to say,

we had to do a full contract write-up and sign it. With who does it? It's tough. It is tough. At what point do you get to the stage where it's like, we need a contract? Yeah. They're like, marriage certificate, bedtime contract.

Lawyers like, you want to do what now? Do you want to get drawn up? Don't think you can do that. Like, do it. Are you going to do it or not? We share it. We share it. But every now and then, like there's definitely parts of the bedtime routine

that I lean into. There's parts that I absolutely hate. What do you hate? I'm glad you asked. The feeding of the dinner. Was that part of the bedtime routine? Surely. How?

Are you feeding them in bed? No, because it always goes like For us anyway It's very quick Quick succession You're leaning into night time routine It's very different What do you mean? Bed time, night time

It's all the same, baby It's all the same Alright I'm going to lump it all in Because we have dinner We have a bit of quiet time Have the bath PJ's on

We're asleep So The night time routine Night time Night time routine Night time Night time routine You just said it I don't want to get into an argument Okay

The bath So is bath Was that included Yes How the fuck is a bath included And the dinner's not Because it's cozy Let's not fight

On the podcast I don't like fighting Do you know what I started doing Didn't like the bath I now get in the bath with them Weird Naked No no no, no.

I wear my budgies. That would be weird. No judgment if you do go in the bath naked. I feel like shower, you're allowed to be naked. Bath. I love those shower memes. It's like showering with dad. Balls in the head.

I wear my budgies in the bath. And I find it makes it more fun. And it also, it's easier. Are you in there pretending to be a dog or a human? I'm in there. You're like, watch me. But brushing teeth, hate that. That sucks.

That's got to go. Your kids don't like it, that's why. That's got to go. Macy's gone from mints to toothpaste. She loves toothpaste. See, also, at the moment, I'm a bit off reading to the kids, unless it's our book, which is also available pre-order right now. Love that you snuck that in there.

Dude, as soon as I start reading, I can't stop yawning. Yeah. Are you the same? I don't do the reading very often. You never do. For us, it's like we'll bath like when we're sort of in and out of the bathroom at different times because we've got, you know, April's like, oh, remember to do something so we can. We use that time for the other.

The tag team. Yeah, we use that time for the other person to clean up downstairs and just, you know, whatever. But I will take cleaning the kitchen any day of the week over trying to get the kids ready for bed. Yeah, so then we'll get the kids out of bed. April will get Macy ready, and I'm usually getting Oscar ready, right, which he's a silly bugger.

So you're just like trying to catch him starters. And it's like then I'll give the kids a kiss goodnight, and then they'll read with April because she's much more patient than me with the reading. Patient in what way? I just don't have – I need to get tested. I can't handle it. I can't handle it.

It's boring. There you go. I said it. But, like, I'll do it sometimes. Unless you are reading. Unless you are reading. So you're going to get out to Quest for Freedom or LVP or link in the chat. I do do it sometimes.

Like if April's out on a boozy lunch that's extended. Which is most weekends, more often than not. Am I right? I love you, April. I'm joking. I'm joking. Continue. She always gets the roar in there, doesn't she?

We love it. She goes out like once a quarter. A year. Once a quarter. And we're like, again? We're just milking that one time. And then I'll do the way you read the start of the book and you're like, and the end.

End of bit. You've got to flick a couple of pages. I've found. Like there's nothing more nerve wracking when you're reading a book. And in my head I'm like, well, this is a long book. I'm just going to like, as I turn this page, I'm going to clump in three or four pages together. And then I turn it.

Marley's so bloody smart. She's like, what are you doing there, pal? You missed the synopsis. Yeah. Whatever it's called. She's like, what happened there? She's like, I know the sequence of stories. She knows the sequence, dude.

Calls me out. Lol, I has no idea. She's just like, get down. Yeah. Get down there and pant. April does this thing where she reads the book but changes the words to, like, not naughty words but, like, you know, bum and poo and shit like that, where she's like, and the bum bum king and, like, Oscar.

Always get to laugh. Loves that. Always get to laugh. And I think it's funny from the other room while I'm like cleaning up or doing anything. But like it's mainly April doing like from me getting Oscar dressed to giving them both a kiss and a little cuddle. She's usually.

And then it gives me a chance. Because I also make the dinner for us. So sometimes it's finishing touching or the dinner, whatever. I would love to know what everyone's preference is, the dinner and clean-up or bath and bed. Yes. Dinner and clean-up is much easier. Oh, it doesn't talk back.

It doesn't yell at you. It doesn't. It doesn't. Sometimes I take the rubbish out, get a little bit of quiet time. Oh, dude. I come back, poke my head and see if they're still awake. I'm going back out. Go do the recycling.

It's good to laugh. Very good. It's good gear, that. That's good gear. We should get out of here. We should. That cat's been locked in my bedroom without the kitty litter, and I'm 90% sure I've got diarrhea on the carpet.

Cat poo is gross. I'm going to sort that out. But if you have liked this episode, please, we would love it if you would share it with anyone out there. It doesn't have to be a parent. It could be a non-parent. Just not a pet parent. They may enjoy this episode and get a laugh.

The pet parents might like this episode because you pretend to be a pet. Yes. We do pet pets a lot. A lot of pet chat. But you're not welcome. And give us a review. Yes. On Spotify

Or Apple Podcasts That'd be great Whatever you prefer Your preference Up to you You decide And oh Yeah

One thing Before we go We have a Facebook group It's currently sitting at A whopping 128 members Room for one more? Potentially

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If there's any profile pictures with pets included, be careful. You're out of there. Anyway, we'll see you next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples

today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.