Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #68 Toddlers And Maple Syrup Do Not Mix

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

Ash has made a mistake this week that you only make once as a parent: accidentally picking up the wrong kid from daycare.   Meanwhile, Macy, always one to keep us on our toes, has developed a new and unique sleeping habit.  Matty J has taken a moment away from parenting kids who don't want pancakes to audition for a big-time opportunity. Keep your fingers and toes crossed, people! We have a new segment called Petty Couples! Make sure you share your best stories with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  Email: [e-mail]  We're giving away FREE cases of STONE AND WOOD!  All you have to do is share an IG story of you listening to Two Doting Dads!  Be sure to tag @twodotingdads and @stoneandwood in the story, and one lucky listener will win a case of delicious beer every week! 🍺🍺🍺  Extra points for the most creative and number of posts 😉See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Do you know what's really fun to say? Go on. Midwifery. Say it. Midwifery. It's fun to say, isn't it? Yeah, I've had better. You know, they bring out the government.

The government. Bring out some paid placement stuff for like nurses, paramedics, and midwifery. I think a funner word is fartlek. Oh, it's the fartlek. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I am Matty J. And I'm Ash.

And this is a podcast all about parenting. And fun words. Midwifery. Fartlek. Another one. Bumfuzzle. That. The kids in the car right now, these words are great.

Bumfuzzle. Bumfuzzle. In addition to the fun words, we also talk about parenting the good, the bad. And the relatable. And if you've come for any type of advice, turn this podcast off right now. Yes. Throw the phone away. Throw it right away, right now.

Actually, the only advice that we'd give is this, Matthew. I have turned someone. I've swayed someone, okay, to. The dark side. The dark side. The cloudy pale out, which let's crack one actually from Stonewall. This is the one Laura likes. Yeah.

So the other day I had a friend, cheers, my friend. Cheers. Cheers. That's delightful. God, I just spilt it everywhere. Sorry, I got a bit excited Just started dousing myself in the cloudy pale ale I had a mate over the other day And of course I have a fridge full of stone and wood

Thanks to stone and wood And the choice of drop that fine evening Was the cloudy pale ale Did they resist the pale ale or were they forthcoming? They were like, I'll give it a go. And then I went around to his house the very next day, opened the fridge and bango, four pack. He said, I literally liked it that much.

I got one for this afternoon. So I took beers to his house and I walked in and he already had some converted. That's the second person I've converted. It's like we're starting a cult right now. A cult following. If you just want something a little bit spicier, this is the job. So thank you, Stone and Wood, as always, for making these episodes possible.

Hey, very exciting, Ash. We have a weekend planned in Byron Bay with the family for my brother's 40th weekend. And it just so happens, I didn't do this. This is just the way it worked out. That very weekend that we're going to be staying in Byron Bay is the exact same weekend that there is a very exciting festival on. Let's say it together.

Festival of the Stone. That was not our best, but we'll take it. That'll be fun. It's going to be on Saturday, the 1st of June. At the brewery. At the brewer it. That'll be fun. It's going to be on Saturday the 1st of June. At the brewery. At the brewery. In Byron Bay. We're going to be there.

We will be. And you're going to be there. I'm going to be there child free. And I'm going to be with all the kids, but I haven't told Laura this yet. We're staying at Elements, which is very nice. Very nice. Sorry. And you're staying there as well?

Yes. Laura doesn't know. To her surprise. Well, she'll be disappointed. Should I tell her or should I just- Do not tell her. Should we just surprise her at the pool when you rock up? I rock up in nothing but budgie smugglers ready to rock and roll.

Now, there's heaps of people playing at this Festival of the Stone. Betty Ray's, Dan Sultan. Who else? The Beefs. The Beefs. Midriff. Midriff. Midwifery.

But you can get your tickets. We'll leave a little link. And, yeah, come down. Say g'day. And also my favorite part. There is a kids area. Yes. It's called Malt Disney.

Oh, that's great. So I'm going to bring the kids. Wordplay. There's going to be heaps of food trucks and stuff there too. It's going to be great. So don't miss out. If you're in town or you're around, come down to bring the kids. Wordplay. There's going to be heaps of food trucks and stuff there too. So don't miss out if you're in town or you're around. Come down.

Enjoy the music but also enjoy looking at Maddie and Maya's faces and Laura's very disappointed face because her holiday will be ruined by yours truly. Hey, I gave you a little update yesterday, Ash, about something that I did. I went to an audition oh you did i can't say what tv show it's for okay i have to be that dick who's like oh you guys i can't give away the i don't know oh i don't know i don't know it's i am watching my phone like a whore noticed right

now i'm just like any message i, I'm like, is it them? Are they going to tell me? Is it them? But I was, it was a big deal for me. It was a big deal for me. Were you nervous? I was very nervous. I've never seen you really nervous.

The only time I've seen you nervous was when we were doing the emceeing for the podcast. You were sweet. You were the rock. You were our rock right up until backstage behind the doors and I'm like, let's just get it. And you're pacing. I was like, where's he going? I was full of energy. Up and down, up and

down. That's the only time I've really seen you nervous. Yeah, I was nervous. And it sucks because you're nervous for the things that you want. Yeah. And I haven't been to a big audition in ages. It's like the last time I was thinking that I felt these type of nerves was when I went on a job interview.

You know, and I was trying to talk myself into being in a good place mentally. I was like, don't worry. I was like, Matty J, you're a good guy. I know. The thoughts are worse than the reality of it too. And one thing that threw me, I didn't want to know who else was going for this audition.

You didn't want to get thrown off. Didn't want to get thrown. Yeah, because there's always like, oh, especially if someone's like very notable or. Comparison is a thief to joy, I believe. Something along those lines. So I walk into the audition and I'm walking to the room where I'm going to be doing the audition with all the big dogs. Yeah.

where I'm going to be doing the audition with all the big dogs. Yeah. And as I'm kind of approaching the door, I then see the person who's auditioned before me, Matt O'Kine. Oh. For those of you who don't know, he's a lovely guy. I'm a huge fan of Matt O'Kine.

Very funny. He's lovable. So fucking lovable. He's got so much experience. Great stand-up comedian. Great bantz. And also what made it just so much worse was the fact that as he was walking out, the room was just erupting in laughter. And he was almost like, guys, I've got to.

I've got to go. I've got a plane to catch. Here's another map. Yeah. And I clocked him and I was like, oh, fuck. And I was like, hey, dude. He was like, hey. It was lovely.

He was like, good luck in there. From that moment on, the wind had been taken out of my sails. But you still did it. I still did it. I still did it. And I stupidly made the mistake of they said, would you like a glass of water? And I said, yes, I would like a glass of water.

And there was a jug and some cups on the table. You drank out of the jug. No, I went to pour myself a glass and it was like shaking. And then it was like a hard jug. It was metal. So I couldn't see where the water was. And part of me is like, I'm just going to retract. Yeah, so I was trying to be gentle.

I didn't know when the water was going to come out, so I was being slow. Imagine the dead silence. And it was just there watching me as I'm like. It reminds me of that scene in Liar Liar where he's like filling up the water jug. But one thing that also fucking happened to me as well, just to just add another layer of self-doubt in the back of my mind, was the fact that I have a purple suit.

You wore a purple suit? I wore a purple suit. It's a beautiful suit. Beautiful suit. It's a lovely suit. And I thought, you know what? I'm going to wear something punchy, something to grab the attention of the room. People love beautiful suit. It's a lovely suit. And I thought, you know what? I'm going to wear something punchy, something to grab the attention of the room.

People love this suit. Whenever I wear it, it's a crowd pleaser. It's different. It's like a deep, rich. I haven't even seen it. It's a deep, rich. I might have to borrow it or something. Well, you probably, it's busted because I was running a little bit late,

which is no surprise. Not surprised. I was leaving at a time when I was going to get bit late, which is no surprise. Not surprised. I was leaving at a time when I was going to get there like dead on and I was like, I cannot be late for this. I look down as I'm in the car. I look at my crotch and the thread has unraveled. Oh, your cock was dying to get out of there. Yeah.

So I was like, what do I? In that split second, I was like, what do I in that split second I was like what do I do what did you do just powered on well I thought do I get changed

do I lose the purple suit which absolutely not to me was like that's all I had going for me yeah so I kept the purple suit and I had

and I thought do you know what I'm just going to be straight up because I went to touch it as well and as I as I like brushed the fabric the thread just like,

it was just opening up. I was like, Jesus. So I just, I was honest with them. And I said, look guys. My dick's out. Yeah. So it was okay. Did you get a laugh from that at least?

Not that you didn't get any other laugh. I made a joke. I was like, if anyone walks past, you know, and they see that my pants are off, they'll go, wow, Matt really wanted that job. Such a dad joke. And they looked more like, what? Is that a joke?

They're obviously not parents, Matt. They don't get it. Anyway, we'll see. We will see all good best of luck I did forget to wish you good luck yeah thanks for that thank you

I acknowledged it afterwards though so I could have not thank you I've also just ran over Matt O'Connor on the way in so he's definitely not going to get I really appreciate that he's got no kneecaps anymore

so good luck actually he was quite tall so he'll probably still get the part. No, as soon as I have any update. Yeah, please. I will share. The listeners want to know. I'm sure they're chomping. They want to know where they can see more Matty J.

Me too. Me too. So in the coming weeks, I'll be sharing the news with a smile on my face or in the corner rocking back and forth there'll be other opportunities oh thank you that's very positive you're saying that because

you think I'm not going to get it no I never said that you're so self conscious I'm saying that as coming from a place where if Matt O'Kine does get it there'll be other opportunities and you won't be up against Matt O'Kine. Unless he can do more than one thing at a time.

If he gets it, I'm sorry, Matt O'Kine. You're in big trouble. You're not coming on the podcast. Oh, he's probably like, don't need it anymore. Yeah. In other news, Matt, I don't know if you've done this. Go on. Which I would have done last week.

As you know, last week, semi-busy week for us. But on Thursday, I went to go and collect my child from kindergarten. Gosh, you're a good dad. I'm a doting dad, I would say. And I walked in, and as I'm walking in, I saw another dad I know, right? He was picking up his kid as well. He's also a very doting dad. And we were chatting, walking in, chatting all things dad, as you do.

Quick catch up. Anyway, so we were walking together, and he's got a couple of kids, one kid that's in Oscar's class and one kid that's in Macy's class. So age group's great. And I walked in with him to go and get his youngest, which is in Macy's class. And I walked in with him and the teachers all gave me this funny look. And I was like, oh, is Macy inside? They're like, Macy's not here today. I did say it's Thursday. And Thursdays I spend all day with Macy, which I did. Oh, God, where was she?

She was all day with me, but she was just at home with April at that moment. I'd forgot I'd spent the day with her and went and picked her up from her kindergarten instead of going to pick Oscar up from his kindergarten. I reckon that's got to happen all the time. I was like, the teachers were like, are you okay? Did you have to say, oh, God, where's my daughter? Don't worry, I know where she is.

They were like, Macy doesn't come here today. I know that. I was like, I didn't just spend the whole day with her. But, yeah, I had literally been, we went swimming, rhyme time, she had a nap. I even napped in their room because she didn't want to sleep. So I had legit spent the whole day with Macy. But I was so distracted on the way in that.

You went into autopilot. I went into autopilot. Anyway, Oscar's in the same preschool kindergarten that day and i walked past his room so in the meantime i've walked past oscar's room he's seen me and i've just been to another room anyway i've come down the the stairs to go or the ramp to go oh shit i'm gonna go get oscar and he's at the door like a puppy dog I've left behind. Oh. I walked in and he was like, where have you been?

And I was like, oh, I accidentally. And he couldn't quite understand. Anyway, then I've managed to rustle all his stuff together and I've walked out the door back past the teachers, which I already embarrassed myself in. I've walked out the door back past the teachers, which I already embarrassed myself in. I've got one. And that's why I said I walked out and I was like, got one. And just walked straight out.

But all these young girls were like, usually I've got it together. Hey, you're absolutely allowed to do that once or twice. Maybe three times. I was like, fuck, this is embarrassing. Also, I must look terrible because I don't know where my daughter is. But they don't know that I've spent the day with her. They think I've come from work, if you want to call this work, to collect a child and just like my child's not there.

It's like going and there's no child there. I'm like, fuck, what am I doing here? Who's got Macy? I don't know. Who knows? I swear to God, she's here. The only thing that I've done, I don't know if you guys have done this, but I've gone to pick up the kids and I'm pretty good on my phone.

Like if Laura sends me a text, chances are I'll see it within a couple of minutes. You'll ignore it. But I would never ignore my wife. Winking to the camera. She normally like on Mondays and Wednesdays, I pick up the kids and Laura finished work early. So she messaged me and said, hey, I'm on the

road. I'll just go pick him up. I didn't see that text. So I went into daycare and the lady at reception was like, just looked at me very oddly. And I remember thinking, that's a weird, that's a weird world. That's what I got. Yeah.

I thought, first of all, I thought I almost had a booger or something. Yeah. And I'm like, no. She was like, what are you doing here? And I was like, I'm picking up my kids. What's it look like? And she goes. What the fuck are you doing here?

And Laura had beaten me to it. I'm guessing it probably happens all the time. All the time. Because no one can be perfect with their communication. No one is perfect, Ash. Absolutely not. Definitely not me. You and I, we're two of the same.

We're as close to perfect as you could be. Other than that. Do you know where Macy is today? No. I do because I dropped her off. I think I dropped her off at the right place. They were definitely happy to have her Whoever it was Just a random daycare down the road

Oh yeah She's at Coles right now Still in like the vegetable aisle I do forget she's there She's so quiet She's starting to come out of her shell a bit more She is She's very quirky

She has some quirky things Are we talking about her giant shits? That's not quirky. That's concerning. Fuck. You should have seen this shit she did last night. It was about as girthy as that can. I call her the girth master. What are you guys feeding her? She's getting into your protein powder. I don't know. She's like, I'm jacked. But she does something quite quirky when she sleeps now. Go on.

I'll show you a quick video. This will be on our socials. Please. You can pick what it is. She's just made herself a little roof. Most kids like a soft toy in bed with them. So when she sleeps, she has to have a book now, which is fine. But she places the book over her head and just goes to sleep.

Yeah, she's just giving herself a bit more shade. That's like an hour into her sleep. I just walked in and she's like. Mate, you need blinds in that room. Nah, she's fine. Well, clearly not. Okay. All right, we figured that out then. She's like, it's so Okay. All right.

We figured that out then. She's like, it's so damn bright in here. But last night, April went in there and I was like, oh, is she asleep? And April goes, nearly. The book's on her head. So she falls asleep now with a book on her head. She's quite a cute little thing. Is that the book that you read her?

No. Also just take the opportunity to say that Two Dirty Dads Quest of Free Time pre-sale is available right now. Yeah. I don't mind that. Laura is very against anything in bed that's not a soft toy. Why? I don't know.

Why would you want that on your head though? Maybe it's like a comfort thing. I don't know. I don't know. I know. But dude, your head though? Maybe it's like a comfort thing. I don't know. I don't know. I know. But dude, if she's sleeping, if it gets her to go to bed, if it gets her to sleep quicker, absolutely. It's so funny though.

Like I know other kids have everything they sleep with. Yeah, what's the most random comforter in bed? Or has had that you had to pry out of their little hand. Yeah, anything that's like a hard toy, Laura's like, you can't cuddle it. It's not coming into bed. Yeah. Whereas I'm like, dude, as long as it's not a knife, you can take it in bed with you.

Maybe she had an abacus. It might even be in that video. I've had to put it at the bottom of the bed. You have a look. There's heaps of shit in there. It's like it starts on Monday and then by Friday you're like, come on, that's too much. Because Oscar used to line his trucks up and cars up

and there had to be an order and then he'd just find like a little spot in there. You know, kids are weird. Kids are weird. So if you've got something weird your kid sleeps with, just send it to us, hello at twododingdads.com or just DM. I think she loves books. It's a good thing.

It's a good sign. She's clearly going to be very intelligent. She wants the abacus. She wants books. Next thing, just put a calculator in there. Yeah. Notepad. She can do my taxes.

Hey, do you ever have moments where your memory of how events will play out with the kids is slightly blurred like what what you think will be a beautiful pleasant activity in reality is a fucking nightmare but you you fool yourself into thinking that it's going to be a good idea and enjoyable for all remember i got oscar that kite yes yes the kite the kite and i was like kite? Yes. Yes, the kite. The kite. And I was like, let's go down and fly the kite. That'll be awesome. And I couldn't do it. It was frustrating. And he was frustrated. That kite's now in the bin. Where is it? Oh, is it gone? It defeated me, so I showed it.

It's like when you took Marley to the Jurassic Park thing, remember? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, they're going to love this. Let's get the shit out of them. Turns out dinosaurs, like a life-size T-Rex coming for your child, will torment them. I remember as a kid when I went to the Easter show, they used to have the Robotron.

It used to eat the cars, remember? Yeah, yeah, love that. I was petrified of it. How old were you? 25. Anyway, go on. On Saturday, just gone, Laura was away for work, so I had the girls on my own.

And I am a little bit guilty on a Saturday morning. I let the girls wake up, and if they want to watch TV straight away, I'm like, I do that every morning. Sure. I'll put it on. I always whack a TV on. I was like, let that distract you. I'm busy.

Back to sleep. So Saturday's a slow morning, right? No one's getting up. No one's like sometimes, you know, if we don't have breakfast till 9, 9.30, who cares? We're going to know where to be. Whereas the girls woke up. I actually was feeling pretty good.

I woke up and I was like 6.30. I actually felt pretty awake. And they were saying, you know, sometimes kids just get this idea in their head they want something. I don't know what's influenced it, but they were like, we want pancakes. We want to go out for pancakes this morning. And I thought to myself, do you know what?

I'm up. You're up. That sounds amazing. Yeah. And I was like, we could spend the morning watching TV or I know the cafe down the road. Great cafe. They do $30 pancakes.

It sounds beautiful. Yeah, I can't wait to spend $60 on pancakes. That you won't eat. But I was like, if you girls get ready now, we'll go get pancakes. Oh, yeah. And they were great. They were like, love that. They ran to their room, picked out their outfits.

We all got ready within like 15 minutes. And I was like, this is going to be a great morning. And I was also just like looking at myself in the mirror going, you're a good fucking dad. One of the best. Like, you know, all these other parents out there still probably invent. No, I mean. Easy, mate.

Not to point any fingers at. Cost of living, not all of us can afford $60 pancakes. But I went to this cafe. Almost straight away, the wheels started to unravel. Wheels unraveling? No. Sure. We'll stick with it anyway.

Go with it. But I couldn't get a park, so I was driving around in circles and kids are like, Dad, the cafe's there. What are you doing? They don't understand. I've come home. I've come home with Oscars being like, why are we not going? I've turned around to come home.

Well, I was almost at that point. I was just like, fuck, I might just order them off Uber Eats and then go. Why don't you just make them? Anyway, because then I would have had to have gone to the shops and also, who can be asked to make pancakes? If you are out there making pancakes, good on you. Make Matt some. So I got to park,

got there. I was actually a bit busy, so I had to wait for a table. Got the table and then the kids were getting pretty restless i didn't bring an ipad and i was kind of thinking to myself fuck this have i made a big mistake i'm also i'm outnumbered i'm solo with both girls and i was trying you know i was trying to get the attention of the waiter it was hard to do that and then the girls were like we don't want pancakes anymore and I was like

fuck I've missed the pancake window they're like dad it's dinner time yeah and I was I was trying to get it back on the pancake track

being like no no no remember the dream this morning remember we woke up we had a dream all of us had a dream together we all wanted pancakes

and then I kind of got them back on board and I was like fucking hell they're going to be so good. Yeah, I was hyping up the pancakes. Maple syrup ice cream. Big mistake.

Ice cream. So then ordered the pancakes. I was waiting for the pancakes to come. At this stage, the girls were like, you know, they weren't on the seats anymore. They were like roaming around. They were like, Lola was walking into waitstaff as they were trying to bring out, you know, because the table we got was right next

to where the kitchen was. So all the waitstaff were kind of coming out. And I got to say, one of the worst foods imaginable for kids. Well, how so? Is pancakes? Fine. My gripe is not with a pancake. My gripe is with maple syrup.

Oh. Whoever invented maple syrup Should have said specifically No kids No kids It's so sticky It's so sticky dude What did you get everywhere? It's like honey

It's just like honey It's like when you get the honey out Before you even started pouring the honey Honey is fucking everywhere dude It's on your hands On the benchtop When you go to pick the honey thing up, the honey thing's stuck to whatever bench it's on.

You're like, hang on a sec. There's honey on handles. There's honey on just- And then they wipe it on you? You go into bed, there's honey on your pillow. You're like, I didn't even fucking come into my bedroom. Why? There's honey on your pillow for a different reason.

The pancakes come. All of a sudden, Lola's just like- Covered in maple syrup. She's just dropping the cutlery. The maple syrup's gone everywhere. How could you drop it if the maple syrup makes it stick to her? You trying to say this holds in my story? Yeah.

Anyway, Lola is flipping about with it. So there's just maple syrup everywhere. Of course they didn't bring the wipes. Was it like a bottle? It was like a ramekin. It was a rectangle. Okay, fancy band. bottle? It was like a ramekin. It was a rectangle. Okay, fancy band. It was just one of those ramekins.

What would you call it? What is a ramekin? A ramekin is a small ceramic dish that's designed for baking traditional French desserts. No. No. It's for maple syrup. All right?

Got it. Thank you. Anyway, so Lola's covered her entire maple syrup. She right? Got it. Thank you. Anyway, so Lola's covered her maple syrup. She's dripping in maple syrup right now. From the ramekins. She's just, yeah, the ramekin is just, ramekin's gone ass up. Lola's drenched in maple syrup being like, daddy, help. They drink it?

No, Lola just puts it everywhere. And then she also was like, she's now like completely against the pancakes. She's just like, I don't want fucking pancakes. She's like, I never wanted them. Yeah pancakes she's just like i don't want fucking pancakes yeah she's like i never wanted them yeah it's like jam jam is also jam is delicious if there's one there's one thing kids hate it's being sticky they do oscar walked in last night i don't know what he'd have he was at poppers walked in he's like i need a wipe i was like why yes my hands are sticky just be beeline past me. Where have you been? Don't you worry.

Don't ask questions. My hands are sticky. So it was a disaster. What you thought would be a nice moment. Anything sticky should not be near a toddler. Absolutely agree. By the time the girls had like had enough, then my meal came. So I had to like scoff in a couple of mouthfuls of bacon and eggs and then get back in the car and got back home. And it was midnight.

It was, yeah. I was like, that's what was I thinking? Make it yourself. Who, who the fuck did I think I was expecting to have a fun experience with maple syrup and pancakes at a cafe on my own with the two kids without that guy in the mirror next time when you're like, you are a good dad. Be like, but is this the right decision for me? There's no good time to take risks with the kids. Never. Especially when you're on your own. I always say that.

I've always said that. Don't risk it. It's a sound piece of advice. If there's any risk involved, just put the TV on. Let them watch pancakes on YouTube. Yeah. Much cleaner result. Matt,

I do have something to tell you. It might come as a surprise or you might have seen the business bank account and thought, where's this money gone? April's pregnant.

No. I've had a vasectomy if she's pregnant. Who is he? I haven't looked at the account. Can I just, hang on a sec. I want to apologize in advance.

I am known for irrational spending. Sorry. There's $1,000 missing. Is that all? Let's go with that. There's more than that missing. We've made it, my friend. We have finally made it. We agreed that any big ticket purchase was one that we would both agree on. You agreed.

We have a joint account now. It has to be unanimous. You agreed to that. I didn't. What have you spent the money on? Will I be annoyed? No. Okay.

Well, actually, I'm going to say I'm giving back to the community just to try and smooth this over a little bit. Okay. Well, actually, I'm going to say I'm giving back to the community just to try and smooth this over a little bit. Explain. We now are proud sponsors of a football team. Okay, because you did for a period. For a period. Is it manly? Because you know you can sponsor a player on manly?

I wish it was. We couldn't afford that. Okay. That you would have got. How much was the Manly sponsorship? 12 and a half grand. Yeah, okay, great. It's only for one player.

For home games. So we haven't got that. We haven't got that. So we haven't got Manly. Sorry, Brooksy. You're not going to eat tonight. Have we gone to like the New South Wales Cup? No.

Like one below. No, that's too expensive. What division is it? It's football though. It's football. Okay. It's rugby union. I sponsored a, that's too expensive. What division is it? It's football though. It's football. Okay. It's rugby union. I sponsored a team that we could afford.

The Alambi Jets. Okay. Who are the Alambi Jets? Well, they're an under six team that Oscar plays in. So now, like I said, I'm giving back giving back look i'll tell you the real story there was these group of under six year old kids yes who really really wanted to play football but no one could afford to play so we stepped in as two doting dads of the community and have now paid for this team to be a part of the competition community service.

We are giving back to our community. Okay. We sponsor. We now, we own. We don't own them. Okay. Just be mindful of that. We sponsor them.

Okay. We're their major sponsor. Granted, they're only sponsor, but that makes us their major sponsor by default. Look, there's a lovely sentiment behind this sponsorship. I'm not going to argue with that. I think it's great. What do we get as part of the sponsorship? Oh, we get nothing.

We get to see the smile on those kids' faces. Did we just pay for the registration fees for all the kids? Yeah. And we bought them jumpers that say two-doting dads. Can we get the kids to make the jumpers? That's called child labor, Matt. And we didn't sponsor a child labor team. Maybe next year.

But we have started, but Grant has been raining a lot. So I will keep you updated on the team's success because I'm nothing if I'm not going to be able to update you on their success. Who's the coach? Look, that varies. At the moment, the coach is the head coach for the North Sydney Bears. So he's qualified. That's Zach Beard.

Zach. Yes, I know Zach. Yeah, yeah. Zach's lovely. Credentials, very high. Yeah. Does he have a kid or did we just rope him in? What's the best answer for that?

He has a kid. His kid's the captain. Well, hang on a second. It's part of the deal. Macy also plays. Macy also plays? Yes, I agree with that one. Does Macy actually play or is she just like?

She's just there. She's like number one cheerleader. It's very cute. Okay. I will get footage. I will share it with the listeners to let them know how they're going. Some of them listened to us already, but I thought it was the most perfect marketing ploy.

I did spend a lot of money on stubby coolers and jumpers for everyone in the community, but that's okay because it's going to be good. It's a win. It's getting the name out there. Yeah. Okay. Next episode, I'll bring some stuffy coolers in for the…

Do the kids… What are they playing for? Do they play… Do they win a trophy? It's all for fun. Fucking hell. Whoa. There's sticks.

I mean… I've got more good news. If I'm going to sponsor a team, I want that team to be at the top… They're elite. …of the competition. They're elite six-year-olds. Is that what you want to hear a team, I want that team to be at the top. They're elite. Of the competition. They're elite six-year-olds. Is that what you want to hear? Okay, great.

Okay, but also I have signed you up to do a job. You are the water boy. They love water. You've got to drive all the way to Lambie on Friday nights. The good thing is they have a sausage sizzle. Okay. Okay. We may or may not have paid for that.

They have a sausage sizzle. Okay. Okay. We may or may not have paid for that. And an open bar with Stone and Woods. We may or may not have paid for that too. I thought, this is my thinking behind it. Talk to me. Run me through your thought process.

I thought, one, giving back to the community. That's like a low tier why I did it. Yep. High tier why I actually did it is I don't want to sit on a Saturday morning watching my kid play a sporty fucking hate. Okay? No one wants to do that. It's cold.

It's raining sometime. I drive past those people and think, not yet. Wait till he's older. But this competition happens to be on a Friday night or afternoon, which includes beverages and the sausages that we may or may not have paid for and the beers that we may or may not have paid for. So it's a win-win for me. Is April happy?

No, no. When is she ever happy? No, she is happy except for when it's cold up there in the hills. But anyway, there we go. We've cracked the big time. We've been talking about it for ages. Has the deal been done? Yes.

Is the contract signed? Yes. And the jump is made? Yes. Okay, fuck. It's done. It's a done deal. Congratulations.

I look forward to going one Friday and seeing my investment in person. You will probably be disappointed. I have a little issue with Lola at the moment with bedtime. It's a little hack. You got another parenting hack? This is a parenting hack, Ash, that may change your life. Go for it. Okay, so my issue with Lola is that she gets up quite a lot,

as we know from Laura's four minutes awake. She tries to claim that it's up to seven times an evening. But Lola wakes up, she wants a bottle of water. Warm water. She's very thirsty. Warm water. It's a problem. And it just sucks because, you know, we want that deep sleep.

We want the REM sleep. We can't get it because Lola keeps waking us up. Camelback. Well, you're on the right track. Oh. Here's the solution. Are you serious? That's what you give pet rabbits.

Slash toddlers. I'm just going to say it. That's fucked up. Why is it fucked up? Well, because that's what you give the household pet that lives in a cage. Dude, water's water. That ain't right. Look how happy the kid is.

For anyone who does not quite understand what we're talking about, they've got, it looks like a- Rabbit hydration system. Yeah, like what you'd give a hamster or a guinea pig, and it's been zip-tied to the backboard, like the back bed frame, so the child can wake up. And at any moment throughout the night, Ash, they can simply lean over and get H2O. What about a water bottle?

Both my kids have water bottles. But what happens when the water bottle gets empty? You fill it back up. How much water is she drinking at night? Camelback. That is not on. I'm just going to say it. If I go upstairs, is one of them going to be attached

to your kid's bed? Your line of what's acceptable and what's not is so hard to judge. I like to keep it spicy. I know. Let's go into the segment. Let's get into it. That is fucked. I'm just saying that. We're getting into the segment. I's get into it. That is fucked. I'm just saying that.

We're getting into the segment. I'm annoyed that you don't like my parenting hat. Are you going to do it? I've done it. So let's go Petty Couples, Ash. Petty Couples, walking down the street. Petty Couples, the kind I like to meet. Petty Couples, I I love you but I'm immature

No one can push me quite like you Alright Matt, this is the segment where people send in the petty things that they do to their significant other. Whether it's malice or not, I do not mind. Have you had much pettiness this week, Ash? Anything petty that's worth mentioning? I'm working on some things. Don't want to give it away?

Nope. I did something quite petty. Oh, yes. I feel like I'm always the one filling up the car Ash whenever I whenever I get in the car it's always like the lights on oh my god it's and it's it's not that big of a deal I get that but I I jumped into Laura's car we swapped cars I jumped into Laura's cars driving around for the day the light came on and I was like, do you know what? It's time you fill up the car, Laura.

Cheers to that, my friend. Cheers to that. I know. I will say I knew she had enough left in the tank to get her to work. I've done a similar thing where I've got in the car, April's car. Can I just say, if you saw Laura's stories that she broke down recently in the tunnel, was not me. Not related. April

does the same thing. And because it's got the countdown of how long is there, I thought 60Ks, I got heaps. But I knew she had to get up and go to the gym in the morning at like a ungodly hour that she does. So I didn't fill it up and got it down to like enough for her to be like,

am I going to make it or not? Five in the morning. She made it, but it would have been that initial. And I did it to be petty. And that's why we love our partners because these are the games we can play. Until they leave us. Can I go first? Can I go first? Can I go first?

That sounded a bit. Can I have some more, please? Excuse me. Can I go first? Can I go first, young Matthew? This one's from Emma. Go on. One day, my husband said, we need to start eating healthier and cooking healthier.

It's a common argument. Don't put it on your wife. You do it, mate. Yeah. And then she puts him back in. Trust me, what we eat is healthy enough. Very good, Emma. Very good for you for having variation and balance in your diet.

I hate cooking at the best of times, so this is what I made him for dinner. What is it? It's a carrot shaped in a rude finger. I thought that was salmon for a second. Like sashimi. No, it's carrot. If he's getting sashimi for dinner, he should shut the fuck up. If he's getting just carrots, then I'll feel you.

Where's the protein? Nothing would be more infuriating if you're already delivering delicious meals that are healthy. It's like, I want healthier. I don don't know what's healthier than a carrot i'll tell you what nothing ash this one is from jessica keegan keegan after i don't know if we just said for anyone wondering ash sent me a video of a young TikToker. All she does is mutter the words. Ash, take it away.

Chicken Caesar salad. Chicken Caesar salad. For those adults listening who will not know what that means. I am a child. It's very addictive. Worth a watch. Chicken Caesar salad. Okay. After a disagreement, Chicken status, Dad. Okay.

After a disagreement, Jessica says, with her husband, I cut the bristles off his toothbrush. But then she'd forgotten that she did it until it was the next morning when he went to brush his teeth and then he found out what she'd done. Ended in tears of laughter. Of laughter. All fun and games. Everyone's having a good time. Everyone's having a good time here. And that's what this game

is about. Having fun. Absolutely. No one's getting offended. But if they are, I also want to know. Very good. Matt, should we just finish on some questions? Oh, I will, Ash, if I may. Just very quickly, Ash, we did a little reel on Instagram.

And I want to say it was quite funny. It was about the perfect evening. Oh, yes. What partners can do. And it was, you know, the perfect evening would be, for us, it would be putting the kids to bed, pouring our wives a glass of wine, ordering Thai, and then giving them a sweet treat later. When we say sweet treat, we won't go into details.

That's up to interpretation. Yeah. But. You know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about. And out of interest, I put the call out there and said, hey, for you people on social media. You people.

What would be the dream evening? And I've got- Met Gala-ish. You people. I said to the good people of social media- Our friends. I said to our friends, thank you. Thank you. I said, my friends, what makes you happy?

What makes you happy? What would be your dream evening? And the varied responses I got from people. Give me a mixture. I don't want to say names, but this one person just wrote anal. I'm sorry I wrote that in. Okay. The fucking dishes

Someone needs to see a counsellor This one says She wants a massage That doesn't end with the expectation Of sex afterwards Newsflash, no such thing In my defence I sometimes

Give Laura a massage With absolutely no intention For it to end up that way. But sometimes when you're massaging the back of a beautiful woman who happens to be my wife. Things slip in. I get excited. I get excited. But I can imagine sometimes it's nice to receive a gift

without the expectation to have to give something in return anal got a lot of people asking for foot rubs and this person says nap pizza sex that is all bang that's good and she goes nap she goes pizza then sex she goes p.s I've not had a partner for five years, so that would be the dream right now. That's good. This one says, leave me alone. Is that from me? From April Wicks. Oh, good.

Good, good, good, good, good. Fresh linen on the bed. Yeah, that's an April special, that one. Another one here. So much feet rubbing. Everyone wants their feet rubbed. Why are you getting all hot and bothered? It is getting hot in here. When's Laura coming home? Yeah, bring those size 12 feet rubbed. Why are you getting all hot and bothered? It is getting hot in here.

When's Laura coming home? Yeah, bring those size 12 feet of hers home. She has beautiful flippers. But the majority of these, like this is the most standard one. Empty the dishwasher. Cook dinner. Give me massage. Sorry.

Put the kids to bed. And then a visage. Book dinner, give me massage, put the kids to bed, and then a visage. Massage of the vaginal area. People just want basic needs. This is so the bar is low for any men out there who are like, what do I get my partner? I'm doing all those things. What do I do?

Just stack the dishwasher. Just stack the dishwasher, take the bin out, and then rub some feet. Or a vagina. Or a vagina. With your feet. That is it. Hey, to those people who we've just informed, you're welcome. To their partners, you're also welcome.

I can only imagine when this comes out, the amount of foot rubs that are happening all around Australia. Do you guys play this little piggy all the time? No. Actually, she loves her toes being pulled. Anyway, enough about that. Let's go on a list of questions. This is a question from Melissa, but also I'm struggling with the same thing.

I always seem to be struggling with this one fucking thing. Melissa wants to know, how does she get her kids to sleep in their own bed? I have no fucking idea. Okay, me either because Oscar, seriously, bro. What I was told by some parents, Ash, which is advice that I didn't even remotely try and follow at all. that I didn't even remotely try and follow at all. The first time the kids come into your bed, you've got to be very stern from the beginning.

You've got to put them back into their bed and you've got to set the expectation. There is no place for them in your bed. I thought all my farting would deter them. No. They seem to draw them in quicker. The issue with that though is that I always take the path of least resistance. You just go into their bed.

So if they want to come into my bed, like, whatever. It doesn't bother me. It does bother me, though. It does. Yeah. Because he headbutts me. He laughs in his sleep like some sort of freak. It just keeps me awake.

It's driving me crazy. Why didn't you, when Oscar first came into your bed, why didn't you quickly put him back into his bed and say, Oscar, this bed is yours. Stay out of mine. That's a very good follow-up question, Matt. I really appreciate that. I didn't because they share a room, him and Macy. So if I take him back, he'll carry on, wake her up. I feel like that's a common fear for parents out there. It is.

We just go path of least resistance. So, Melissa, I don't have an answer for you. Matt has some sort of advice he got from someone but never implemented it. So maybe you can implement that and give us an update. I would try that. Otherwise, lock your door. What if there's an emergency?

We'll deal with that as it comes. Absolutely. Fully agree. Lock their door? We could just tie them to the comes. Absolutely. Fully agree. Lock their door? We could just tie them to the bed. Just an idea. There's the solution. Next question.

This is an interesting one. I don't know if this is just a boy thing. My girls don't do this. Her name is Evelyn. She says, how do I stop my five-year-old from whipping it out and peeing on the bedroom carpet?

You've got a dog. Your five-year-old. He just likes to port-a-colly. Yeah. You've been mistaken and you've taken a dog home from the hospital. How did he learn to do that, first of all? Or is he just like taking it upon himself to be like, that looks like a nice patch of carpet I'm going to piss on?

That's a weird habit. That's a weird habit. I've never heard of kids like willfully pissing inside. Every now and then, Lola, who doesn't wear a nappy during the day, she'll be really into a game. She'll just wear yourself. And she'll wait so long. And then as she's like running to the toilet, she's like,

and then she'll just stand and she'll like wee herself. Then slip in it? And I'm like, what are you doing? No, I don't. I say, that's okay. I say, if you say whoopsie daisy. Pissy pants, pissy pants. I would never do that.

No. But no, I don't know kids. Not willfully just like whipping it out and taking a piss. That's an interesting one. Well, thankfully, I have a solution. So everybody listen. Hit me. Treat I have a solution. So everybody listen. Hit me. Treat it like a puppy, I would say.

So like, you know, when you have a new puppy, or so those of you who don't, puppy pad, maybe. Try a puppy pad. Do you know? Okay, I've got one. So it's like a sense and then slowly move the puppy pad closer to the toilet. Problem solved.

When I started potty training, when we, I should include Laura in this because she was involved. When we started potty training, I remember it was like every half an hour you have to take the kids to the toilet, sit them down, and try and make them wee. And if they don't wee. We do squeeze them. We just say like.

Squeeze the water out of them. Squeeze the wee out of them. Just like… Squeeze the wee out of them. When they do the wee, you have to absolutely shower them, pardon the pun, with praise. Just like they love it. Golden shower them with praise. They love it. I mean, Lola loves more than anything. She loves like a good job at the moment.

She's still wearing nappies at nighttime. Yeah. And every now and then then she'll have a night where the nappy's dry and we're like Lola Lola and we all like

Marley cheers as well it's like we make a big deal out of it and she loves it but then it's hard because sometimes she'll like clearly have pissed

through the nappy because she has like eight bottles of water during the night and she's like I didn't piss in my nappy last night oh it smells the same thing and I'm like are you sure about that and she's like, I didn't piss in my nappy last night. Oh, it's because it was the same thing.

And I'm like, are you sure about that? And she's like, yeah. And then she tries to take it off. Yeah, puts it in the bin. And I'm like, where's your nappy? She's like, I don't know. Didn't wear one. Yeah.

Give me my chair. Give it to me. So what you're saying, to get this, every time this kid doesn't piss on the carpet. I would say when they piss in the toilet, you've got to cheer that stuff on. That's like, give praise. Reward the good behavior. There you go. That's pretty good advice.

Thank you. Should we leave a disclaimer? If it doesn't work, it's my fault. Absolutely no responsibility taken. There you go. Ash, we should get out of here. We should, but before we get out of here, we are running a little competition.

Thanks to Stonewood. A little comp. Just a little comp. Every week, bro. Every week? Fuck! I also just sponsored a football team without telling you, so this is fair. We're even.

We're giving away a case of beer. We are. A case of beer a week, and all you have to do is follow Stonewood, follow Tudor and Dad on Instagram, tag us in a story of you listening to us, and we will pick one at random. Yeah. And you get a case of beer sent to your house.

It's that simple. So easy. And if you have enjoyed this episode, please send it on through to anyone else out there, parent, non-parent, who may enjoy it. And give us a review, if you would be so kind, either on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. We'll take both. That would be delicious. And we'll see you guys next week.

Thanks, guys. Bye. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea, and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.

This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.