Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #69 No More Piggy-Backing Birthdays!

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

After many years of peer pressure and a creeping sense of dad guilt, Ash has finally caved.  After finding a hungry caterpillar in his coffee, Matty J is widening his diet with bugs.  Find out how the Allambie Jets football club has been performing since Two Doting Dads began sponsoring the team. Don't be surprised if the update differs from your expectations. We have a new segment called Petty Couples! Make sure you share your best stories with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Buy our book: https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  Email: [e-mail]  We're giving away FREE cases of STONE AND WOOD!  All you have to do is share an IG story of you listening to Two Doting Dads!  Be sure to tag @twodotingdads and @stoneandwood in the story, and one lucky listener will win a case of delicious beer every week! 🍺🍺🍺  Extra points for the most creative and number of posts 😉  In partnership with PUMA, we are giving away a signed NSW Blues and QLD Maroons jersey. Entry is simple: we are looking for those with a strong fan game. Just tag a mate you would like to share the prize with on our latest Instagram post and be sure to follow @PUMAFOOTY. We will pick a winner from each side!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Have I ever told you about my mate who got attacked by a bush turkey? Please continue. I don't know why he went after a bush turkey, but he did. And it tore him to shreds. What? Yeah. He got overpowered by a bush turkey? Yeah.

It turned on him and just pecked the shit out of him. He ended up in hospital and everything. Just booed it. I think he tried. Is he scared of bush turkeys now? I don't know. I'm not friends with him after that. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad and the relatable. And if you

have come wanting any type of advice, stop right now, press pause. Stop right now. Thank you very much. I need some, I love that song. I need some buddy with a human touch. Cracking song. Spice Girls. Yeah. Absolutely

nothing wrong with them. You sure? I have to apologise just quickly. You've come into a construction site. I noticed. I jumped the neighbour's fence to get in. There's a lot of men here. A lot of men.

I'll explain why they are all here. YMCA. Let's have a drink first. Yes, and today is something very different, something both of us haven't had before from Stone & Wood. So it's called the Northern Rivers Beer or NRB. NRB.

NRB. NRB. This is a cute little can. It is cute. Yeah, I haven't had this one before either, so we'll quickly crack this, have a little taste, and just let everyone know why it's so special. Okay, so this is a limited edition.

It's limited in location as well. So you can actually only get this in bottle shops between Tweed and Yamba or online. Or online. I feel like we're one of the only people right now in Sydney drinking this. Yeah, I would too. And I'll be. Oh, that's delightful.

Malty. Ooh. Malty. There's a hint of malt there. It's maltier than the other beers that they have. There's a little floral. Do say there's a subtle malt flavor, low bitterness, but that is bloody delish. And it's apparently the greenest beer.

Not in color. How do you mean? For the environment. St. Patrick's Day? No. How do you mean, Ash? 70% certified sustainable malt and 100% certified sustainable hops. Now, I don't know what you're thinking.

What do you mean by certified sustainable? All it means really is they use less energy overall when brewing this beer. It's also brewed in carbon neutral breweries, making it the greenest beer. Oh, you mean like they're using less water? Yes, Matt. Anything that uses less energy and is better for the environment, that is what this beer is all about. Cheers to that.

Cheers to that. And good news for the listeners, Matt, is we are giving away a case of this NRB this week. All you have to do is what? You have to post a story of you listening to the podcast at Two Doting Dads. Tag us, tag Stonewood, follow both accounts, and we'll pick someone each week to have this case of NRB sent directly to your front door. It will be missing a couple because we recommend. Thank you again, Stonewood, for making this episode possible. How are you, Matt?

Oh, mate, it's been stressful. Have you recovered? From? You were sick. Oh, I am. I'm holding on to the end. My life cycle, Ash, of a flu, I would say it almost always starts with a tingle, a sore throat.

That sore throat turns phlegmy. I have phlegm for four days and then I come good. You're a very routined man. I am. I am. It's like every single time I'm like, come on, sore throat, just end. And I'm in the phlegmy stage. It's such a relief when you're in the phlegmy stage and like the feeling

of getting a good bit of phlegm. Oh, mate, this morning I coughed up some phlegm and I spat it out and it was like it had, the phlegm had veins in it. It had like red, it was like it was part of a brain. If there's any doctors listening, please can you write in and let us know what's happening. I'm just coughing up part of my lung, but I felt great. Oh, good.

I felt better afterwards. I'm glad you're on the mend. But in addition to being a little bit sick at the moment, we do have a number of tradesmen currently at my house. I noticed. And you may recall, they will probably start drilling soon, so if they do, apologize. We're used to it.

I sometimes like to make myself sound a bit more masculine when I talk to the tradesmen. Is that why all your Ryobi tools are out down there? You're like, look at this, fellas. I get it. I get it. He was explaining to me what's wrong with the area of the house they're trying to fix.

It's a front window. You may recall, Ash, there was a little leak, a tiny little leak, and every time it rained, which has been doing a lot of lately in Sydney. This is the same bedroom that you stuffed me into when I came and stayed the night. This is the guest room slash Ash and my mum's room. And the mould room. The mould room.

And so he came along, he looked at it and goes, oh, yeah, we're just going to patch this little thing up here under the windowsill and you'll be good to go. There's no window. Yeah. So as he started patching up, he goes, oh, there's something wrong here. So he starts taking away a bit of the… Oh, no.

It's the word, not the gyprock. The house. He started taking bits away of the house. And then the more he took away, the more he realized we have a big problem. Tradies will do that once they get them in. Are we going to have a thing against tradies now? No, we're not. I'm not one to question, you know.

Bullshit. He could say anything to me. He could say the wall was about to fall down And we need to rebuild the whole thing And I would reply and say Gosh, thank goodness you spotted it Better get to it So the window apparently wasn't drilled in

It was just It was like sitting there with some type of adhesive Anyway, they removed the entire window So what was meant to be a three-hour job there with some type of adhesive. Anyway, they removed the entire window. So what was meant to be a three-hour job has turned into a three-day job and now I'm missing the entire front window of my house. I know. I turned up and I was like, how am I going to get in? I had to jump the neighbor's fence.

And you're like, what are you doing here? But also I then had to explain to the three boys and say, I do a podcast and would you mind putting your tools down? And they were like, what's a podcast? What's it about, mate? So if they start drilling, I'm not going to tell them to stop. You're going to have to go out there because you're more masculine than I am. Some have said that.

And you also, you're part tradie. You watched my accent change completely. I would go from being like this to being like, Oi, listen here, I can turn it down, would you? Can you check what kind of wood they're using for the window frame? I already saw it. What type was it? I need to get a closer inspection.

But I would say it's probably some sort of hardwood considering, unless they want something a bit more lightweight like cedar because it can be outside. I do think they might use the cedar. For anyone who doesn't know, Ash worked in a timber yard, so he knows wood. And it's not a gay club. What wood's this table, by the way?

It's oak. Thank you. It's Tasmanian oak, I'm pretty sure. Is it? Either that or American oak, something like that. Don't leave these in the rain. Anyway, when are they going to be done? Maybe tomorrow.

Okay. Maybe the next day. Your mom's back this week, isn't she? No. Well, she is back in the country, but she's back in Brisbane. Right. And when she comes back to Sydney. I can't wait to get her back on the podcast.

She's going to come on the podcast. She's going to update us. She just did a Contiki tour. She's essentially on a Contiki tour and I would get these updates from her. I should have spoken to her more frequently, but maybe every three days we'd touch base. And every time I'd speak to her, she'd been scammed again. She's been scammed more times

than anyone that I know who's gone on an overseas trip. I love that. I can imagine her too. She's so easily startled. Soon she would just seem like, Any bit of transit, she was going to a couple of places in France. Anytime she had to move to another hotel, they were just like, this woman is easy prey. Oh, yeah. The taxi drivers are scamming her. People on the street are scamming her. Even other tourists are like, she's so easily scammed, I'm going to scam her.

Oh, that's great. I love that. I hope she's having a great time. She's listening, which she will be. She always listens. But how are you? How are you, my friend? Good.

Good, good, good. Macy has been sick. Everyone's sick, mate. Everyone's sick. It's getting around. So we had a bit of a couch rot day yesterday. Hmm? Where we just-

Sorry? Couch rot. Me and Macy just sat on the couch all day. She was a poor thing. She was sick. Who's coined the phrase couch rot? I think the next generation has, which not our generation, it's a new generation thing on social media.

I love it. Bed rot, couch rot. I've just pretty much said anyone that is lazy are now essentially just rotten away. I love it. Love that. I love it. I love to bed rot.

It's one of my favorite things. What were you guys watching on the couch rot? Bit of a mixture, a bit of Peppa Pig yesterday. We watched Sing. Cracking film. It is, Rot? A bit of a mixture. A bit of Peppa Pig yesterday. We watched Sing. Cracking film. It is a good one. One of the best. We watched a bit of YouTube, which Macy does this thing with YouTube now,

because you know how there's ads in the middle. She'll just yell out, ad, until I eventually hit skip. Like, ad, ad, ad, ad. But all of the painkillers has made poor Macy very constipated. So I found her in the cupboard again ages ago. She was stealing the mints? No, like eight months ago I said I lost Macy and I found her because I could smell poo coming from the wardrobe.

She just hides in the wardrobe. Two hours she was in the wardrobe like this afternoon and every time I go to there she's like, go away. Not yet. She was trying to do a little poo. She was trying to. Well, I say little poo, but my goodness. We always talk about it.

If there's one thing that little girl can do, it's big poos. She is. She, oh. I've never seen anything like it. Something so small and delicate and beautiful can produce something. And this morning, she was like, it hit its peak this morning, where I've come downstairs and she's screaming. And April's like trying to help her push it out.

I don't know if you've ever heard a scream of a young girl who's constipated but at a wretched. Oh, man. It's like, oh. Do you give them, like I saw in your cupboard recently, you have a big container of Metamucil. I told you I'm confident. Could you kind of sneak in a couple of little-

That's my favorite drink, Metamucil. I've never tried it. Oh, it's great. You should get some. Yeah, please. Not sponsored by Metamucil. It's thick. it. Oh, it's great. You should get some. Yeah, please. Not sponsored by Metamucil. It's thick. Can you give her anything to help the poo come out?

Yeah, there's like Muvacol and stuff like that, but she just needs to stop eating shit. Not like actual shit, but like she needs more fruit, like good fibrous fruit. But yeah, dealing with that, I was away over the weekend, so I missed the union, the kids' union. I was going to ask you, how was that investment going? The investment's going great.

They're playing really well. What's the team called again? They're called the Under-6 Alambi Jets. Now, I did miss this weekend's game, but I got a little update. Where were you at? There was a drama. Okay. Within the first 10 minutes.

As you know, it's been really wet in Sydney for the last month. Let's call it a month. Yep. But the fields are open, but they were quite muddy. So there was a lot of slips and falls. And it just so happened that Oscar happened to be the first slip and fall I heard in the mud. Is he a child? I feel like some kids really enjoy the wet,

others hate it. Marley is one. She doesn't like getting dirty, doesn't like getting wet in any capacity. He's Oscar. Where's he in that scale? He slipped in the mud in the first 10 minutes and they had to go home. Oh. And now he doesn't want to go back.

Oh. He's blaming rugby union for it. That's the one thing they can like, one little bad experience and that activity is entirely tarnished. Yeah. So there was a few slips, a few falls, a couple of sore heads. All in all, played really well. We don't keep score, of course, because they're so young.

I would say we won. Player of the match, Mac, I'm going this week. Oscar will be attending. How are you going to get him back on the field? Just got to pick yourself up, boy. Just drag him on there. Give him a pep talk. Give the team a pep talk.

There's some footage of some of the kids. One kid in particular who's very good, Hugo, young Hugo, which is the son of Zach Beer. Hugo is a strong name. I'll show you this footage afterwards, but he's just. I've actually already seen it. Oh, you have seen it? I've seen it online.

Oh, great. I've seen it online. So you're checking in on our investment as well. Where it got, I didn't go hunting for the footage. I found the footage and I was to Laura. I was like, look, that's the team we sponsor. And she was like, they're a bunch of kids. And I was like, how dare you?

How dare you? You've got to start somewhere. Disrespect the athletes like that. Athletes is correct. I was thinking we maybe invest a little bit more money into Hugo. How much are we talking? Sky's the limit for this kid.

We want to lock him down. He's like a future Nathan Cleary. I was thinking about locking him down for the next 35 years. Okay, sure. Let's talk budgets after the podcast. A couple of sweet treats should get us through the first couple of years. Just a pack of snakes. But anyway, they're going well. I'll keep you updated with anything that happens this week.

When would you like me to come and help out as Waterboy? Very good question. We'll organize a time. Maybe not this week. Maybe not next because I'm away. It's a long season. Let me know. We've got 26 rounds.

It's a long season. I had something happen to me, Ash, which I can only assume that this has never happened to you before. And I promise you, this is a truthful story. Okay. I'm not embellishing it in any capacity. I'm strapped in. I'm going to tell you exactly what happened.

It was a very unique situation that I found myself in. Fire away. On Sunday, Lola was up at the crack of dawn. Standard. And I was also awake. You know, sometimes I like to give Laura, not to make myself sound like an absolute hero, I like to give Laura a little lie-in.

And Lola was like, what are we doing, Daddy? And I was like, you know what? Let's go get some croissants. Croissant. I bet you say croissant. Baby Chino, and I can get my morning coffee. Because that's my favorite time of the day, Ash. How do you order the croissant?

Do you say croissant or croissant? I say croissant. And then I say, and then I say, merci. It's such an ick when like behind someone in line, I just get a plain croissant. Yeah, you hate it when I try and talk in the dialect of the country where the food comes from. We're not in the country where the food comes from.

No, I know, but the croissant is French. I hate it how you attack me like this on the podcast. I ordered my coffee and I have a keep cup. They prefer the keep cup without the lid on it, right? Yeah. So when I order it, I hand over the keep cup with no lid. You keep the lid. You keep the lid. I keep the lid.

Okay. I put the lid back on once the coffee is made. That's just how they operate and I'm happy. That's pretty standard, I think. I think it's pretty standard.

I put the lid back into the pram because that's where Lola is. Yep. And we wait for the coffee to be made. The coffee gets made. I then get the lid

from the pram and I put it back on the keep cup and I start to screw it tight. Something strange has happened. What are you, man the pram and I put it back on the keep cup and I start to screw it tight. Something strange has happened. I look and I'm just going to give you a visual reference here so you understand. Okay. So Matt's got a black keep cup. It's not like the brand keep cup. I screw it on. I look at the cup and I have half a caterpillar hanging out. What? Yeah. It's half a caterpillar. It's been severed by the

keep cup as I screwed it on. So obviously the caterpillar was in the pram. You've screwed a caterpillar into your coffee. What a way to go, the poor thing. So then I'm like, shit, what do I do here? What's a man to do? I've never found myself in this situation before. Did you blame the cafe? There's caterpillars in your milk. No, well, I couldn't because I was holding onto the lid. Right. So the responsibility now is entirely on me. The cafe, they have no involvement in the lid.

The lid is my responsibility. Okay. It's like when someone's been crushed and you can't, like you don't want to, you know, that once like you move them away from like the the car or what they're being crushed by, they're going to die. And the caterpillar's looking at me going like, Liz, don't touch anything.

Leave me be. And I was like, caterpillar, I'm sorry, dude. I've got to- You've already screwed him round and round. He's probably- The death is imminent. So I unscrew it. One half falls to the floor.

The other half- Into the coffee. Into the coffee. Into the coffee. Did you drink it? Well, then I was like, the line for the cafe now is massive. I've beaten the rush. So I'm like, I don't want to order a new coffee. I don't want to pull this coffee out.

Also, this is, it's metal. It keeps things really hot. This coffee is molten lava. So I go and I get a spoon and I start fishing out the second half of the caterpillar in the coffee cup, trying to find it. And every time I bring the spoon up to the surface and I try and like drizzle out the coffee to see if I can spot the second half of this caterpillar, there's nothing there. Is it melted?

Well, then I think to myself, I'm going to just drink the coffee. And when I get to that body, obviously I'll notice it in my mouth and I'll spit it out. Ew. Ew. So I start drinking this coffee. It could have easily been like, you remember that kid that ate the slug and he died.

Yeah. So there was a boy who ate a slug and there was a parasite in the slug. Killed him. And it killed him. That's what I was thinking about. What a way to go. That was at the forefront of my mind, Ash. But I was like, I'm so tired.

I'm so desperate for coffee. I'll risk my life. I'm just going to drink it. And Lola's also very confused. She's like, why did you kill a caterpillar? Because we love caterpillars. Hungry Caterpillar, great book. That's a great book.

I don't know if there was a Hungry Caterpillar ate a coffee in that, but did you find it? Well, I started drinking the coffee. Yeah. And I'm also like, does this coffee taste weird? Yes, it does. Is this? Normal people ask for sugar.

You ended up with the caterpillar. So I'm nearing the end and I'm thinking at any point now, I've got the lid off the coffee and I sip and I look and I sip and I look and I sip and I look. I get to like my last sip. There's nobody. The caterpillar is nowhere to be found. What do you mean?

I don't fucking know, dude. And you're here to tell the tale. I don't know. So then I finished the coffee. I'm thinking I can only assume that the heat of the coffee has almost melted away the body of the caterpillar. And now you have superhuman strength. I was walking back home and I thought, you know, I'm a bit sick. I was like, is this the sickness or is this the caterpillar getting vengeance on me for eating its body?

I was like, and I got this lump in my throat. Guts are feeling weird. That's disgusting. Has that ever happened to you? No. There's a few things I would have done differently. So just bear with me while I just pick the main one. I would have just ordered another coffee.

No, dude. You cannot tell me that you would have lined up for another 5, 10 minutes, waited another 5, 10 minutes. We're talking we're on the cusp now of 30 minutes for another cup of coffee. I've got a screaming three-year-old, Ash. There's a caterpillar half alive in your coffee. Doesn't matter, dude. I once ordered a coffee and I walked out of the coffee shop.

I was doing something with the pram. I just put it onto rest on the side of like a pole. It fell off immediately. Hadn't even had a sip of it. I just walked away. I'd much rather not drink the coffee than have to go through the embarrassment of picking that up. Take another 10 minutes to get a coffee without being poisoned by a caterpillar.

You're ignoring what I just said. There was a queue. We were looking at minimum 20-minute wait time. I don't have to. You've got to push on. You've got to push on. Push on to the next cafe. But I'm also, if it's going to wake me up, I will drink it.

That's fair. Regardless of what's inside that coffee cup. That's fair. Yeah, I probably still wouldn't have drank it. I don't know. That's why you and me are different, my friend. Very different. Very different.

To any environmentalists out there, also don't come for me. I will put it out there that I love animals of all shapes and sizes. Do the rest of the body start dragging itself away a lot? Yeah. I ran it over in the pram accidentally. Wow. Wow. Okay. That's a series of unfortunate events.

And I'm glad you're here to tell the tale. So far, I will say I'm feeling okay. I'm not out of the woods just yet. Matt, it is that time of year again when the New South Wales Blues take on the Queensland Maroons. Yes. State against state. Mate against mate, Ash.

It's a time when you and I, we put the relationship on pause. We do, yes. We will dislike each other for the next couple of weeks until Game 3 is over and Queensland have retained the shield once again. We will see, my friend. But one thing is for sure, we are partnering with Puma to give away four, you heard it right, four jerseys that are signed to New South Wales and to Queenslanders. Matt, how do people get their hands on these bad boys?

Ash, all you have to do is head to our pages, our personal pages, or it'll also be on Two Doting Dads. There is a photo of yourself and me dressed beautifully in maroon. You are wearing the disgusting light blue of New South Wales. I am looking delicious. Revolting. And all you have to do is tag a mate that you would like to share the prize with. So we have in total four signed jerseys thanks to Puma.

Yeah, so tag your mate. Who else is your fellow state supporter? Who would you watch the game with? We'll pick two people, one one from Queensland one from New South Wales and just a reminder you have to also be following at Puma Footy on Instagram

to be eligible to win come on Queensland good luck Queensland best of luck to you and best of luck to Queensland you're going to need it good luck

Matt I recently put on our Facebook group, Two Doting Dad Facebook group, that is. I saw your post. I want to say, considering how many followers we have, the post went viral. All 100 people saw it. Normally, there's like one or two people will comment

and you and I will say something and then like, I think her name is Donna, is normally the one person who replies. Donna, thanks for messaging us. who replies. Love you, Donna. Donna, thanks for messaging us. You got like 14 comments, my friend. Whoa! That's it. And everyone was on the money.

They're bang on the money. So the update. It's not just an update. It's a complete change to my parenting style. What was your post, for those of you? My post said something along the lines of, sorry, I just got a text message from my neighbor saying, can I have the leftover Thai, please? At least she's asking.

Can you call her and say no? Just calling April. Thai. Hey, what do you mean the Thai? What do you want? The Thai food. No, that's mine. Oh, it's a bit late.

You ate it. I literally just heated it up. Well, put it back in the fridge immediately. You're not even home. You wouldn't eat it. I know. I'm just messing with you. Hi, April.

Hi. How are you going? Don't pretend like it's not been eaten already. When I texted you, I was actually heating it because I was like, oh, I better just do the right thing. Very good. I was just letting our listeners know about our big update and announcement that we've got.

The big party. The big party. April, I'll be there. Black-off. Black-off party. April's really self-conscious that she's not done enough or not going to have done enough, which I think is ridiculous. Will there be a petting zoo there?

Not quite. It's budget friendly. Okay. Okay. All right. Thank you. Enjoy your lunch, April. Thanks for saving me some.

Appreciate it. Welcome. Bye. Back to it. Okay. So I said, it says, it reads, I wrote. Sorry. Am I a politician?

Yes After five years of avoiding this one aspect of parenting They say all good things must come to an end Yes Can you guess what it is? If not, you'll find out in the coming weeks That time has come After five years

I've decided to change my whole outlook on parenting and throw one of my children a birthday party. Don't all clap at once. Wow. I know. I never thought the day would come. The day has come, my friend. Summon the party planners.

No, we can't afford them. Unless you're free. has come, my friend. Summon the party planners. No, we can't afford them. What was the catalyst for deciding that this year was the year that you were going to throw your first birthday party? I was shamed online for being a bad dad. Actually, can I ask, was it

when we jumped on She's on the Money podcast? That was my money-saving tip. And people were like, you're a monster. Think of the children. Because for anyone who doesn't know, we jumped on. We were guest hosts of that podcast. And it's not a serious money-saving tip.

It's kind of a half-serious, half-joke. Yeah. There were a few outraged people. They were outraged. Who didn't know us. They don't know the context. They don't know the context. They don't know that I like to tell jokes and that's a joke-ish.

Kind of real life. But I think it's funny, so I've continued with it. And someone was like, how dare you take the birthday away from a child? And I was like, hang on a fucking minute. I don't. I've never done that. We do celebrate their birthdays. I'm not a gypsy.

We let Oscar out of his cage. I'm not a gypsy. We unshackle him. Oh, yeah, yeah. We let him watch us eat cake. That's how they portrayed me, like I was some sort of monster. And then they were like, when I, because I took, Macy's birthday is the same day as a friend's,

a friend's son's birthday. And the joke is so embedded in our friend group that they threw Macy into the birthday song at the same time. Well, I did. And then I tagged them in it saying, I've got you next year like it's my turn lol lol joke that's a joke too and someone was like those poor parents i would defriend you like fuck relax all right fucking relax it's a joke have i said my response to this person's outrage comment was maybe you should have a laugh every now and then.

Just left it at that. Harmless. Harmless. This is where we've ended up. April's guilted me into having a party. Okay. Doesn't mean I'm not going to sabotage it. No, we're in.

We're in this time. So we are having a party. I wonder if you could guess what the theme is, Matt. Well, I got my invite. Oh, you did? I got my invite. That was an accident. It's manly themed.

It's manly seagulls themed. Yes. So we're having a manly seagulls cake. Surely, surely you can get the mascot from manly seagulls down to the birthday party. We don't want to say where it's being held, but is it in a park? Because that's one of the big questions. Is it indoor, outdoor venue, public space?

There's so many questions when you're like, you know, where do you have it? What do you do? Are we doing public park? What's too much? What's not enough? No. We opted for pub.

Love that. So it's a pub with a big kids playground, like a big one outside and then all like the area that we've booked is like up against the park. So the kids can all play in the park. We can have a table with shit there. Can I ask what is the mascot? Is it

a big eagle? It's a big eagle. He's met the eagle. I was with the Emanly CEO over the weekend. I actually got a flight with him on the way back. All right, legend. I did it. Oh, must be nice. It was nice.

Tony, g'day. Hey, you dropped something. Emanly Seagull's name, you just. Oh, no. It's the CEO. I already dropped it. Did I manage on that? I already dropped it.

Over the weekend. I was having a lot of stuff with the CEO of Emanly Seagulls. Look how the tables have turned, my friend. I already dropped it. You didn weekend. I was having lobster with a sear of manly seagulls. Look how the tables have turned, my friend. I already dropped it. You didn't need to pick it up. So anyway, g'day, Tony. I didn't drop, I didn't say, I didn't say anything. Okay.

I haven't said anything, but if they're listening, I would like the mascot for the afternoon. I think maybe we could get that done. Who is in the mascot? Does it change depending on what? I used to have a friend that was the mascot for the afternoon. I think maybe we could get that done. Who is in the mascot? Does it change depending on what? I used to have a friend that was the mascot years ago. A hundred bucks a game, used to get paid. That's quite good.

That's quite good. I could. It's sweaty. I'd gladly invest $100 to see just a smile on Oscar's face for the first time. Oh, that's a low blow, my friend. That is a very low blow. So my job was to organize the pub, organize the booking. April's got me DMing people. Who are you DMing? The pub. Okay. We want to make

sure we get that spot at the front. I'm like, I'll just call them like the week out. Like it's not a huge deal. Also another question. Did she want you to DM because they may. Yes. They know they're talking to the one and only. This guy. Ash Wicks. He might get the VIP space. Yeah.

So, yeah, I was like, I'm number one manly member, okay? No, I'm not. That's Hugh Jackman. I'm new Jackman. And all I did was DM them to say, hey, look, I just want the, and they were like, yeah, no worries, which is great, which is perfect. What else am I in charge of? I'm in charge of organizing my friends that are dads and the kids.

And it's a thing when you're having a party, it's like how deep do you go on the guest list? It's hard. What's the capacity? What are we looking at? It's a pub. How many people can get in there? I'm just inviting people willy-nilly.

How many? Anyway, so the invite will be on our Facebook page. If people would like to buy a present for Oscar, where can they send them? I think this is great. I'm very excited. I'm excited and I can tell that whilst your exterior is showing a little bit of discomfort, frustration,

I can tell deep down your exterior is showing a little bit of discomfort, frustration, I can tell deep down there is a part of you that's very excited to create this. I am. For Oscar. I am excited for a Saturday afternoon. Can I help in any way? Is there anything you want to help with? Can you leave me the responsibility of the mascot?

Yes. Do you have a child entertainer? No. Okay, great. We have an adult entertainer. Leave it with me. Yeah? Leave it with me, my friend. I don't want to promise anything. All right. April. Okay, great. We have an adult entertainer, no. Leave it with me. Yeah? Leave it with me, my friend. Okay. I don't want to promise anything. Alright. April, you heard it. Don't want to

promise anything, but leave it with me. Leave it with me. I'm going to see what I can wrangle. Where April and I are most worried about, oh, April mainly. She's like, what if no one turns up? Like, that'd be a disaster. And it's like, don't you worry. It's a possibility.

If there's one person who's going to be there. There you go. And that's all Oscar really wants is Matty J. He doesn't like me. I know. Has he come to abduct me again? So actually what I do want to know is, I don't know if you've got any disaster stories,

but I want, and whether it's on the Facebook group or whether it's on, I might update the Facebook group with the announcement of this. Yep. And ask for disaster stories, birthday disasters. Also, I'm going to just send that Facebook link to all the people who criticized you previously, Ash. I'm going to go out there and just make sure those people who threw shade on you now know.

But then I guess maybe they'll be like, ah, see, I won. Yeah. Don't give it to them. Okay. Don't give it to them. I'll just look after them. Let them still be wondering what happened. Where is that Ash guy and what's he up to?

This is exciting, mate. I'm excited. I'm excited because it's at the pub on a Saturday afternoon. And I think it's a great venue. I think a pub is a great shout. If it's wet weather, we're sorted. There's inside, there's outside. You've got food there. There's heaps of other people that don't

have kids to annoy. There's toilets. There's toilets. And then, you know, if you want to peel out, you can peel out. There's also like a restaurant that does food. Not just beer. Love that. So yeah, it should be good. And if we want to kick on. Easy. We can stay there. We can stay there. We can stay there.

There's other places. I'm pumped. I'm pumped. Great. Can I bring both kids? No. Yeah, you can. We'll have enough lolly bags for those kids.

Okay. That's another thing. Trying to organize a lolly bag that's not full of choke hazards. Okay. That is, I think, one of the hardest parts of a kid's party is a lolly bag. A party bag, if you will. Try not to put something in there that's going to choke a child because that would fall back on you.

If your lolly bag choked a child and, God forbid, that child was to pass away, you would be responsible for that. Yeah, I put life savings. And you're too pretty to go to jail. Thank you. We're all thinking it. I put life savings. I was going to say, I've seen your butthole and you're way too pretty to go to jail. Thank you. We're all thinking it. I put Lifesavers- I was going to say, I've seen your butthole and you're way too pretty to go to jail.

I would be worth quite a lot in prison. You would be. I would be. You'd be hanging onto someone's pocket immediately. Oh, shut up. I put Lifesavers in a party bag. I now know- The irony in that though-

The three to four year olds, Lifesavers are no good. The irony in them called Lifesavers, but they could so easily take a child's life. I did. I went to a party recently in the party bag. It was a budget version. It wasn't Matchbox brand. It was like the Kmart version.

Each party bag had a car. A new car. It's like, why is there a BMW key in my... William Bondi, you never know. It went down very well. Yeah? No pressure. Just so it's not all lollies, to have some kind of tangible gift.

Just going to plant the seed. You've got me thinking, would these kids like a calendar? Or a book? A two-dating dad's book. Quest for free time. Available on pre-sale. I love how every episode we get it in the same way. Just quickly, Ash.

I don't want to toot my own horn. I am a hero. I've always said that. I am a hero. You've saved my back in a lot of situations, so I want to hear this one. We were at the entertainment quarter on Sunday. Ah, yes.

Moorpark. Moorpark is a suburb in Sydney, by the way. People outside of Sydney would be like, what does he mean? Now they know. There is a great park there. Ah, there is, yes. Great park. Pretty new. Is it free?

Free park. Park is free. Parking is not free. The park is free. A bit confusing. You with me? Let's continue. I'm confused

he's even parked up the slide in my fucking car he said it's free here there was it's like a rocket ship type setup if you're with me

where you have to climb up to these little chambers oh yeah and then I'll show you a video so you understand what I'm talking about

but it was quite hard to climb up there it wasn't like a set of ladders you had to climb up a rope And then I'll show you a video so you understand what I'm talking about. But it was quite hard to climb up there. It wasn't like a set of ladders. You had to climb up a rope to get then into these chambers. And then to get to the top, you had to go through little pipes. Just go up into different levels. And then once you're at the top, then there's the top slide. And that's how you then go back down. Is that the only way back down?

Or you have to come back on yourself and go through the pipes. You have to come on what? And it's – but even I found it a little bit hard. Obviously, I'm a big guy because – sorry. Sorry? Okay, big guy. What I meant is I'm an adult. And this was designed for kids.

But Lola wanted to go on the slide. She was like, that looks great. She was like, Dad, come with me. And I was like, oh, amazing. Don't know if you can tell. Can I go down sideways? But I thought, you know, I'll go with her. Because also the slide was pretty steep as well.

But you're a big guy, so for you it's not. Shut the fuck up. Okay, okay, I won't. So I start climbing through and I'm just going to show you what the final chamber looks like. A final chamber like it's some sort of torture chamber? I'm going to play my guy. Holy shit. Thank you.

Is that an outdoor bonfire? See, that's the chambers, right? And also, they're fully enclosed as well. So you don't know how many people are like currently playing inside those chambers. That's a prison for children. That's what someone's like, great news. We've built a prison specifically for children.

This is what it looks like. Dude, right? So it looks impressive, but actually, yeah, it's a child trap. So I climb in there. I get to the top chamber. Dude, what do I find? Skeleton. There's like eight kids crying up there.

Oh, my God. They're stuck. All the kids are stuck. They're all crying and they're like mommy please. I'm like I have no other parents noticed because it's so hard no other parents gone up there so I've found myself with all these kids

and I'm like don't worry everybody no man left behind so I'm like alright who's first? I imagine this is what it would have felt like being one of the rescuers from the Thai cave situation. Being face to face with all these kids. In a life-threatening situation. In a life-threatening situation. Waiting for the tide to come in. So I'm all of a sudden, I'm directing these kids down

the slide, which is very steep and they're all pretty scared. Don't worry. I start sedating the kids. I didn't. I didn't. For those wondering. Were you like, go backwards. If you're scared, go backwards. Yeah. Close your eyes, Timmy. Poor Timmy. And I start, all these kids are going down. Then finally, it's Lola. It's myself. She goes down first. I go down afterwards. And I'm coming down this slide and I'm just wondering to myself

what kind of reaction will I get you know these parents must have been worried sick where the hell's Timmy where are my kids no one noticed no one noticed

nothing parenting is a thankless chore my friend I don't know how long these kids have been up there days weeks perhaps that story reminds me of

have you seen the opening of Trolls? Yes. No troll left behind. And he comes down with his daughter. I get nothing. I don't do this for the pat on the back afterwards. But you're looking for it now, aren't you? Not a single bit of recognition.

The big guy's looking for it. Yeah. Did you come down like. Yeah, nice. I get nothing. You know what? Well Yeah, nice. I get it. You know what? Well done, sir. Thank you.

A lesser man would have gone, not my problem. That lesser man would have been me. Again, I don't do this to hear those words spoken about me, Ash. But they're appreciated. Thank you. Speaking of praise, let's go into our favorite segment, which is... Petty couples walking down the street. our favourite segment, which is... Ash, first one here is from TJ. Spelt?

T-E-E. No. Space? Do they not know there's a quicker way to spell that? I love words. Marley's learning how to spell right now. Words like TJ, they're fantastic. Very easy.

Very easy for young minds. It's just two letters. Well said. TJ says, my husband did one of the few loads of washing he's ever done and hung it on the line. Well done. Well done. Round of applause.

That's great. Bar's so low. That's so good. Good to see him doing his fair share. Not fair share. Is it? He's on the road. Yes, it is.

She says, I noticed it was still on the line the next day and reminded him to bring it in. The reminders continued over the next couple of days. Those clothes and towels remained on the line. Days? She says. Yeah, and I don't know if she's embellishing the story. TJ, I don't want to call you a liar.

Days. It's a bit far-fetched. She's saying cut to 10 months later. No. 10 months. They weren't out there for 10 months. That's what she's saying. TJ says it.

Must be true. He finally took them off the line. 10 months later? She says, I looked at them every single day. Out of sheer pettiness, I refuse to bring them in. TJ, you've done the right thing here. You've done the right thing. Ten months.

That's more than a pregnancy. That's pretty petty, TJ. I will say they'll probably his clothes too. Like that's probably why she's left it. If it was anything important of hers, I guarantee TJ's got that off. Also, yeah, like the one time he finally does the washing, he just does his clothes and not hers. I know, yeah.

So who's the pretty one here? Matt, I've got one from Gemma. Gemma says, sharing a bathroom with my husband is so annoying. I know, everyone have separate bathrooms. I'm with you. If he shakes too vigorously and sprays his piss on the floor, I use his towel to wipe it off. No.

She also goes on to say the same applies if he gets water all over the floor because he's incapable of using a bath mat properly. Oh, my. It still goes. She then says, sometimes I watch him drying his face and cringe. But you've got to kiss that face. She doesn't have to, bro. She doesn't have to.

I hope he's not listening. Maybe he's got to get his foreskin checked and it's not his problem. Yeah, he's got a sick skin. That's great. And I love them. Keep them coming in. Wow. You can send them to hello at twododingdads.com

or you can DM twododingdads the Instagram page. And we will try and get around to all of them. There are lots because people are out there being petty. Makes the days go by. I love how all these men are just completely oblivious to what's happening around them. They're wiping their face like, my towel smells a bit weird.

Why does my towel smell pissy? Anyway. Anyway, it must be me. Questions, Ash. Yes. Questions. We do have a question. Last episode, I think it was,

we told a story about a friend of mine who bit their kid as a way of deterring them. Oh, yes. You know, careful. Not to say that we're advocating for parents to bite their own kids. Holy shit. It was an outpouring of parents being like, I'm a biter. They're all biters.

Everyone's biting. No wonder your kids are biting. They're probably just like, that's what we're supposed to do. No, everyone's biting. And it is the most effective way, according to the people that have reached out to us, to stop the kids from biting other kids. And even people were saying, I was a biter as a kid

and I got bit by my parent, I no longer bit. So once again, we're not advocating for this. We're just saying that there's a lot of people out there that say as parents, it works. As kids, getting bit by their parents, also worked. That's crazy. So for everyone who reached out, we want to say thank you. Yeah, have a taste and let us know how you go.

Question here is from Rhonda. Rhonda. Yep. Rhonda asks, Ash, when you're giving your kids a bath, at nighttime, what do you do if they wee in the bath? Do you change the bath water or do you just push on? Push on. Nice words there.

It depends on how yellow it is. Because if I can't see it, I don't know it's there. But the other day I said to Oscar, do a wee before you get in the bath because I don't need to. And he shares a bath with his sister.

And, dude, especially now when it's a bit colder, as soon as they hit that warm water, floodgates open. And he was so dehydrated. And I was like, get out of the bath. And had to redo the whole bath again. Subsequently, we only have a small hot water heater at our house. So both April and I ended up with cold showers. Oh, no.

She was not very happy. What is it with kids? My kids, they've now got a taste of pissing in the bath. And they prefer that than pissing in the toilet. Every time, I'm like, before you get in the bath, do a wee on the potty. And they're like, uh-uh, no wee in there. Straight in. It's like,

they will fight. They will fight me to not wee on the potty. I'm like trying to force them on. So I'm like, hey, fine. And then they want to drink the bath water. Yeah. Freaks.

That's what they, they've got this taste now. The taste for urine. What is wrong with you kids? Lacey shits in the bath. I've sent you photos of that shit. Which? I get them out immediately. Immediately. Do you change the bath. I've sent you photos of that shit. Which? I get them out immediately.

Immediately. Do you change the bath water then or? Bath's over. If Dad's going to fish shit out of the drain, that bath is well and truly over. Pull on the pen. Because then I've got to like disinfect the bath. I didn't think you would.

I wouldn't, but April makes me. What about you? Do you push on through? Yeah. Yeah, always. Always. It would have to be like acid coming out of their bodies. My skin's burning.

For me to change the bath water. I'm like, man. That's wild. That's good to go. You guys are fine. You won't notice. That's a lot of water. Matt, this one's from Sam.

What do you tell your kids when they ask you how babies get inside mummy's belly? Well, that's a good question. I like to turn it back on them to see how they think the baby got in the belly. What do your kids say? Whatever they say, I just say that's it. That's the answer. I think the baby got in the belly. What do your kids say?

Whatever they say, I just say that's it. That's the answer. I've always been pretty upfront, pretty transparent with my kids. It's funny you ask. I've got a tape here. Let me put it in. I say that always babies are in mummy's tummy. But when it comes to explaining the intricacies of how they got in there, I'm like, go ask your mother.

intricacies of how they got in there, I'm like, go ask your mother. I just say when you love someone very much, you cuddle a little bit. It's not always the case though, is it? I don't. I'm sorry to those single mums out there. I don't say specifically how good in there, but I just say that when mum and dad, as in me and Laura, when we loved each other very much, that's how the baby happened. End of.

Good night. And go to bed. Let's get out of here. Let them figure it out. I don't think. I mean, I do think Laura. That's how I fumbled my way through it. I do think.

Did she? No, maybe not. I'm thinking if she said to them, they come out the vagina. That's what they come out of, not how they got in there. No. Well, actually, that's not true. It's both. That's not true.

I don't think she did. Don't quote me on this. I do have this memory of like, that's where babies come out from, I think. Okay, this is getting deep and dark over here. It's a lot for the young mind of a four year old to comprehend. So I think all that Marley cares about is that the baby's inside the tummy. She's not really pushing hard for direct answers of like, tell me now, how did it get in there? She's looking for specific anatomy. Yeah, we're just like, it's in there. And Marley's like,

fair enough. Fair enough. It's in there, then it's not. So we'll just park that. For now. For now, until she's a bit older. Yes. And until the kids start asking specific questions, then I'll start to lie to them more. Perfect. That sounds like a really good plan. That actually is something I would love to do,

just lie to them about it. I have this weird memory. Sometimes it's just strange how one particular moment sticks out in your mind. And I remember, I think I was grade five. I'm listening. His name was Kieran. And I don't remember how he was using it, but he was using the word stiffy. And I was like, stiffy you say?

What is it? What is a stiffy? And he was like, you don't know what a stiffy is. He had older brothers. Yeah. He was like, you don't know what stiffy is. Yeah. And I went to my brother and I was like, what's a stiffy and he was like you don't know what a stiffy he had older brothers yeah he was like yeah and i went to my brother and i was like what's a stiffy and he was like my brother was like you don't know what a stiffy is maybe he didn't know but he was like i'm not telling you

bro yeah he didn't know so yeah so i went to mom and i was like what's a stiffy she wouldn't tell me that's just wrong thank you do you know i was recapping one of the worst conversations I ever had with my mum, and that was her explaining to me what an orgasm is. How old were you? 12. Makes so much sense now, doesn't it? We used to have this school near us called St. Augustine's, and the nickname for it was St. Orgasm's.

And I was like, St. Orgasm's, like some of the boys are going to St. Orgasm's. She was like, would you like to know what an orgasm is? I'm like, no! And she went on to the boys are going to send orgasms. She was like, would you like to know what an orgasm is? I'm like, no. And she went on to try and explain it to me, but I was like so distraught. Good on her. Good on her. Anyway, I'm just having all these flashbacks. Did you call it send orgasms following that?

Never. I never used the word ever again. Genius. Mrs. Wicks, well played. Anyway, that's all we got time for. The builders need to get back to work. We need to get out got time for the builders need to get back to work we need to get out of here the builders need to

get back to work yeah they're all currently waiting being like we had to come to the house of a podcaster yeah of course we did they're waiting for me

to give them the signal extra lunch back on the tools boys get back out of the room get back to work who wants some tea and lemonade I have to get them

drinks at 1.30 nice I promised them. Well, they can have a couple of beers. With some bickies. Some lemonade. If you've enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone who needs a laugh. A parent, a non-parent, definitely not a pet parent.

Otherwise, we'll find out. And leave us a review. And subscribe as well. Yeah. Subscribe, review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Watch us on Shorts. Yeah, whatever. Do whatever you want.

Who's got shorts on? And, yeah, if you have any advice for Ash's party, please send it our way because we want to make sure it's the bash of the year. Yes, and don't forget, if you want to win this case of Stone and Wood, follow whatever Matt said earlier. Go back and listen to it again from the start.

All right, see you. Bye. Bye. and listen to it again from the start. All right, see you. Bye. Bye.