Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #71 Surviving Daycare Disasters and Weekend Sweet Treats

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

Matt shared the chaotic morning when he took the girls to daycare looking like little rats, only to realize it was the worst possible day for it. But it’s not all chaos—Matt also shares the romantic highlights of his weekend trip to Byron Bay, where he managed to get some sexy time, not once, but twice! Meanwhile, Ash dives into the intriguing dynamics of grandparent preferences, as Oscar favors Poppa for daycare pickups.   Plus, the guys tackle the hilariously awkward moments when kids learn new words, featuring Macy's adorable mispronunciations. We have a new segment called Petty Couples! Make sure you share your best stories with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Buy our book: https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  Email: [e-mail]  We're giving away FREE cases of STONE AND WOOD!  All you have to do is share an IG story of you listening to Two Doting Dads!  Be sure to tag @twodotingdads and @stoneandwood in the story, and one lucky listener will win a case of delicious beer every week! 🍺🍺🍺  Extra points for the most creative and number of posts 😉 See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ash, I have a bone to pick with you. Bring it on, big guy. There is something that you do that I've taken to offense by. You're offended by it. Yeah, a little bit. Every time we speak on the phone, you always- You get an erection. You always say goodbye and then you just sit there.

Yeah, because I don't want to be rude and hang up. But even if you're at home and I'm driving, that means the priority is for you to hang up. Yeah, but I don't want to be rude. Just in case you've got something else to say. No, we both said bye. I even go, you hang up. There's a long pause.

And then it's like, you hang up. I do that because my grandmother does that too, but she won't actually. I don't care about your grandmother. How dare you? You shut your beautiful mouth. She says. Welcome back to Te-doting dads i am

and i'm disappointed and this is a podcast all about parenting it is the good it is the bad and the relatable and if you've come wanting any type of advice, stop right now. Thank you very much. I need somebody with a human touch. We're not the podcast for you, as you can probably tell. Your grandma, what does she do? And I'll pretend like I'm interested. Lovely lady. Lovely, lovely, lovely lady. She will not hang up the phone. I'm saying will not hang up the phone. Is this the one that doesn't have, she can't move? She's bedridden?

No. Oh. I only have one grandparent and she is not bedridden. She is far from it. But she, for my whole life, has never hung up the phone on me. Or actually once and we were like, she must be sick. There must be like back in the day when phones were invented, they must be like, don't hang up the phone,

otherwise you'll lose your soul. She does this. She goes, okay, bye. One, two, three, you go. Bye. One, two, three. All right, bye. Bye. One, two, three. Alright, bye. Bye. Why is she counting in?

Counting for me to hang up. Yeah, but like... She'll go, oh, are you driving? Oh, I'll let you go. I'll let you go. Okay. Bye. One, two, three. Bye. One, two, three. Bye. To the point where I have to hang up on her mid-sentence. And that's saying a lot from someone

who never hangs up. I know. She'll be like, all right, but I don't know if I hung up. Oh, no. Anyway, so that's where I get it, I reckon. At least give her the one, two, three. Nah. Ash. Yes. I think we should probably have a cheeky little drop.

We should. If we may. Just something that I've had sitting there in the fridge. Spicy. Cheers, my friend. Thank you, Matt. We are enjoying the NRB. However.

It's pronounced NRB. Sorry, NRB. Ash, we weren't drinking the NRB on the weekend, Jesco, and we had another special drop from Stone & Wood called the Wood Fired Porter. This year's Stone beer boasts aromatic notes of brewed coffee, rich dark chocolate, hints of subtly smoked barley. With a pour that mirrors the depths of night itself, each sip is velvety smooth, balanced by its steady, fast bitterness.

Enjoy this one with a mate by the fire like we were on Saturday night. The launch of this beer was at Festival of the Stone, Byron Bay on the weekend just gone, where they tapped the first cake and shared it with some locals, the blow-ins. The blow-ins like us. The blow-ins like me and Ash. And the broader community.

And, Ash, it was an event that we were excited about for many, many weeks. Ash, I think the last festival that I went to was about eight years ago. Same. And it was sick. It was awesome. We saw some great acts, some of whom happened to be your family members. I did have some family playing there. Your mum and dad on the tambourine?

Not this year. Maybe next year if they get the call up. Yes, it was great. It was good fun. They do it every year, Matt. It just so happened to fall on the first day of winter, hence the tapping of the keg. Two of my cousins happened to play in the Beefs who played

that were amazing. What was it, two? Two of them. Oh, the drummer and? The drummer and the guitarist, both my cousins. Talented family. And they are also, one of them is also dating Ruby Fields. Fun fact.

Whirlwind of a trip for me. Laura was ecstatic is probably the right word. That's the word I would use. She saw your face. I was in Byron for my brother's 40th. Festival of Stone was that weekend. We were staying at a hotel, which also happened to be the hotel that you were staying at.

Yeah, so Stonewood had me up there for the event, which is great, and also put me up in the same hotel, coincidentally. I didn't request that. Just so happened. Be honest. Be honest. I put my foot down and I said, I must stay in the unit directly next to them.

No, it wasn't like that. I did forget. I thought it was hilarious. I forgot to tell Laura. I know. It was one of those things that I was like, I'll tell her in a second. And then before I knew it, there was a voice that was bellowing out from the reception area as we pulled side. And look who it is.

Lo and behold, it's Ash Wicks. I know. And your mum was so happy. She was weirdly happy. Weirdly happy. I haven't seen her since the cruise where we had a brilliant time, me and your mum. What happened between you and her?

We're just vibing. We're always vibing. That's like my key demographic to a woman. There's a certain, there's a line, all right, when someone is enjoying the company of a loved one and then it starts to cross over. Am I the loved one? I just feel like I wouldn't be surprised in two months down the track

if I start calling you dad. Yeah. Well, you might as well start now. Are you having sex with my mom? No. Okay. I am not, April. No.

No. Is that directed at my mom? No, definitely not. But she was very happy to see you. Lola and Marley, also happy to see you. And your sister. All the females in your life, really happy to see you. Yeah. And Bill. No, do you know what happened though, actually? We were having a beautiful moment for my brother for his 40th. We went around in a circle. Sounds like we're in a cult. You are. And we were saying a nice memory for my brother. And we were like three siblings in, you stormed in. I was at reception and I saw you. Kind of like just wait there.

I was giving you the subtle, like just one second. You know, when you're like having a deeper, meaningful conversation, someone comes in and you're like, ah. I thought it was a what's up, brother. I was like, just came bursting through the door with all this. Renewed Johnson energy for you. The place went wild. That's how I remember it. But it was a great weekend, not only for my brother, who celebrated his 40th birthday,

also will just say that Adam Johnson is single on my Instagram. I encourage any other single females out there to go check him out We'll just say that Adam Johnson is single on my Instagram. I encourage any other single females out there to go check him out and also check out my two younger brothers as well. Who are also single. I've been pushing for them to try and get linked up with one of my followers unsuccessfully for a long time now. So just soliciting your brothers out. So just if you are interested.

Three brothers to pick from. There's a 28-year-old, 31-year-old, or a 40-year-old. You've really got so many options. Take all three, if you will. They've all got different hobbies. But it was a good weekend because I think the last couple of weeks, Laura has been extremely busy, as she always is, and we're very much in the routine of just we wake up,

Laura's out the door really early, straight into the grind of getting the kids ready, getting them to daycare. You come home. You're tired from work. Straight into the bedtime routine. Oh, yeah. And then by that time, you're like, oh, fuck. You've got to cook dinner.

You've got to clean dinner. Do the laundry. Back in bed and you do it all again. Weekend. Weekend. It's momentless. And then kind of realize that they've and you do it all again, weekend, week out. And then kind of realize that there'd been a little period of time, Ash, where Laura and I just weren't dedicating a decent amount of time to each other.

You're talking about sex, aren't you? I was trying to be subtle. But also, I will caveat it and say that it may be sometimes like two days before we've been together. And in my mind i'm like it's been months i'm starving over here it's long hard slog it's a drought they say i need something some form of attention and it just so happened that the timing was right holidays is always a good one.

Gets everyone juices flowing. I was trying to keep this PG, mate. Juices flowing. See, Laura was squirting. Oh, my God. I'm joking. I'm joking. She's not a squirter yet.

I am. Oh, my God. Sorry. Sorry to all the parents out there who came for the discussion about kids and have ended up in this like cesspit of a conversation. So I don't want to toot my own horn here, Ash, but I will reveal. Great news is anal. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Can I just say what parents out there who are married have time for anal sex? Send in, write in, tell us. I mean, are you having anal sex? No. That's my point. That's where you poop from. That's it.

If you ask me. No one has time. We've got five-minute windows. And if we're going down that route. Does it take longer? Excuse me? I don't know. What? I think we've gone down that route. Does it take longer? Excuse me? I don't know. What?

I think we've gone off track here. Let's get back. Let's bring it back. Have you had anal sex before? No. You never have? No. Not once?

Not once. Not with yourself? With a man or a woman, you tell me. Sorry. This is not about my sexual history. I made a silly joke and we've gone on a tangent. So Laura and I had, we had sex twice. Two times. In two days.

In two days. Look, it's... Shut up. It's, you know, when you... You've done it. You've cracked the code. How did you do it? I don't know. Even Laura and I... Did you use the same move twice to get it going or you just... Oh yeah, missionary. That's all we got. Belly to belly. Yeah.

It wasn't intentional. I didn't go into to belly. Yeah. It wasn't intentional. I didn't go into this holiday with the- The sex wasn't intentional. Not the second. No, it wasn't. Honestly. Honestly, it wasn't the second time around. First time around, we're both like, tonight's the night.

Like, we're doing it. Yeah, you put all this pressure on. We're doing it. Like, get the kids to bed. They're like, one more story. We're like, you guys are going to bed because mom and dad need our special time. So then night one, tick that box. We're good to go.

And I was satisfied. I was happy. I was content. I was already like, after that, the next morning, I was skipping down to breakfast. I was like, the birds were chirping. The sun was shining. The flowers smelled beautiful.

And like my family were like, wow. Meanwhile, it's actually raining. Everything is perfect. I was loving life. And then second night, I just went to give her a kiss goodnight. That was it. And it went for a split second too long. A tongue slipped in.

And then Laura and I were like, are we doing this? So you, okay, let me get this straight. You had sex one night and sex the following night. Similar times? I'd say so. So what you could really, really be bragging about here is that you had sex twice in 24 hours. I mean.

What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. Laura and I afterwards were like, I don't think that's happened since. You're like, my dick hurts. I don't think we've had sex that much since like The Bachelor finished. Wow. People now refer to me as a sex maniac. I may have a sex addiction. How many times do you think you have to have sex in a week

before it's considered an addiction? I think I'm there. I'm self-diagnosing. There's sex addicts listening going, bro, you're not ready. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like someone who's just sprinted 100 meters being like, I'm pretty much a marathon runner. I'm pretty sure they've got to do it like every day,

like multiple times a day. Not that I would know. I'm almost there. You're so close. Yeah. One more day. So it was a great holiday. I had a good time.

Enough about your sexy time, Matthew. There's something serious coming up, something serious on the calendar, which is Oscar's birthday, and you made a very strong promise. Did I? You were going to organize a Manly Sea Eagles mascot. Yes. Oh, it's going very well. Because it is a Manly Sea Eagles-themed birthday party,

and it's Oscars. Those who are just catching up on this, it is the first ever birthday party that Oscar's ever had. He's very well. Because it is a Manly Sea Eagles themed birthday party and it's Oscars. Those who are just catching up on this, it is the first ever birthday party that Oscar's ever had. He's very excited. Does he realize the enormity of the situation? Oh, yeah. Does he? Yeah, he can see the pressure.

He can feel it. Yeah, he's like, there's so much tension in the household right now. I think I may have fucked up. Oh, God. But wait, the good thing is we have time. Two weeks away. Just keeping in mind as well that April doesn't know that I fucked this up. So she's listening right now.

She's finding out for the first time. She's finding out for the first time and I'm hiding. Okay. Okay. So spit it out. What do you got? Okay. So Manly Sea Eagles themed.

So April special ordered some stickers, little Manly Sea Eagles themed. So April Special ordered some stickers, little Manly Sea Eagles stickers to go onto the lolly bags. What's the problem? This sounds great. So she's ordered the stickers that take eight to 10 days to be delivered. I think I accidentally threw them out. How did you do that? And she keeps checking the tracking because they haven't updated the tracking. But surely it'd say it's been delivered.

No. There was something obscure looking in the letterbox, and I thought it was junk mail. It's a bomb. Get rid of it. I thought it was junk mail because I didn't know that she was waiting on the stickers. So I've just got the whole pile of shit and thrown it in the recycling.

Two days later, April said, hey, can you run out and check the letterbox? I think the stickers have been delivered because it's been 10 business days. They said 10 business days, it'll be here. And I went, ugh. So what's your course of action now? I went to the letterbox just so I didn't look guilty. Just to check. Like a fake walk to the letterbox?

Yeah, yeah. I just went for a walk to the letterbox. Let me just check the garage and how to be in. I was like, so, I'm like, you sure? You sure? She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. The tracking hasn't updated, but it's, yeah. And I was like, okay, yeah.

I love how committed you are to just not revealing that you've done something wrong. Were you just like- It was the day. It was the day. She asked me to check the day I was leaving to go to Byron to meet you. And I was like, yeah, I'll quickly run out and check. So it was a Saturday. Ran out, checked, came back.

Did you actually open the letterbox? Yeah, I went out. You full committed in case she was watching. I played the part. It's not that bad. Yeah. And then she was like, oh, okay. I'm like, oh, oh look it'll probably come

Monday or Tuesday so I've been like trying to fix the problem I haven't fixed it yet and she doesn't know so by the time she hears this I will hopefully

have fixed it have a solution what is the solution here I'm in because you can't oh you could reorder you have time no I don't

it's business days no need to yell it's business days you're raising your voice solution here. I'm in. Cause you can't re or you could reorder. You have time. No, I don't. It's business days. No need to yell. It's business days. You're raising your voice. I appreciate you're stressed right now, but there's no need to direct it at me. That's okay. That's okay. You've got yourself in this situation. I'm trying to get out of it. You've only got yourself to blame. I do. Can I help you in any way? Can I offer my assistance? No, you've got your job. Which is don't let me down. Okay. Just an update on that, by the way.

Okay. I did message Manly. Oh, you did? On Instagram. Okay. And they blocked you. No reply. They are playing hard to get.

I'm going to try as hard as I can, but I just don't want to promise. Just don't tell Oscar. Already too late. It's not far. I've told you okay if i can't get the actual mascot i'll just get like an eagle okay or like maybe like a fake eagle yeah that'd be cool actually i'll get a bald eagle a real bald eagle that might be dangerous around a bunch of kids no no it's what they want that's what they've told me that's what they want you don't have entertainment okay so if you so when you have an update, yeah,

and I'll let you know once I've fixed this problem. But April, if you are listening, I am sorry. I am too much of a coward to admit this to you. And April, if you're also listening, I will not bring a live bald eagle to the party. I promise you that. But there will be an eagle or some description. Yes, let's hope so.

There won't be any eagle stickers. Can I just say? Yeah. Can I just say? Yeah. Can I just say, just so you know, just so you know, I had a job come through for that weekend for Oscar's party. Oh. And I turned it down. Okay, money was no good.

You're not getting paid to come to this birthday party. You know that. This is my appearance fee. I was sending a invoice in the post. Don't shoot in the post. I'll just throw it out. This birthday means a lot to me. Oh.

So, nothing. So, what you're saying is you're going to somehow make this about you. No. That's what I'm hearing. All I want you to know is that it means a lot to me. I know it means a lot to Oscar. And come hell or high water I will be there

in attendance with your whole family I love that maybe I'll bring Ellie along my mum should we dress as an eagle please bring your mum

actually I'll be super excited I bet you will yeah April we're joking I love how we're going to put that in there just in case

just in case I'm not joking she's a there just in case. Just in case. I'm not joking. She's a very beautiful 73-year-old woman. I definitely threw those stickers out and I'm sorry. Also, just with the Facebook, Matt, the Facebook group, I do appreciate all of the suggestions for the lolly bags. There's a lot of people in there now. We ballooned from like 150 members to now I think 350.

No, we're nearly at 400. Oh, shit. We've gone viral. We've gone viral. We had some great suggestions for the party bands. I did see, yeah. Play-Doh always goes down well. April, I said, did you get the Play-Doh?

And she said, no, no, no, I went with slime. No, no. Fuck, Nicole. I'm giving you double. Slime is a nightmare. Yeah. Sl. No. Fuck. I'm giving you double. Slime is a nightmare. Yeah. Slime is a nightmare. That's what Oscar wanted.

No, dude. I'm just saying. It's not up to me. I've got my hands full with this sticker stuff. No. Name one situation where slime with a kid under the age of 10 has gone well. I don't have one. I don't have one.

There you go. And look, it's out of my jurisdiction. It's a countdown of at least maximum five minutes before it gets in their eye, in their hair, on the furniture, on a pet. But hey, I'm sorry. I apologize. It's out of my jurisdiction. I don't want to tell you how to throw a party.

I've got my hands full with the sticker situation. You guys are two adults. I can't monitor every tell you how to throw a party. I've got my hands full with the sticker situation. You guys are two adults. I can't monitor every purchase of this party. My only advice for the party bags other than the slime

is just making sure there's no choking hazards. It's going to be full of choking hazards. That's just what lolly bags are. I'm going to open it up and there'll be no stickers,

serrated knives, blades, syringes, slime, syringes and I'll look at you and you'll go, happy birthday Oscar yeah lovely

but we appreciate the suggestions we do in the Facebook group keep them coming through we've got time Ash I made a mistake you?

a mistake? no I know doesn't happen often doesn't happen often the way that the responsibility between me and Laura

is split up with the kids is that I do everything kidding subtle I'm kidding I'm kidding so subtle between me and Laura is split up with the kids is that I do everything. Kidding. Subtle. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Laura is very good.

Laura is very good. She earns the money. I look after the kids. Sounds good. But when it comes to anything daycare related, because I normally do the drop-offs and the pickups, I'm the one that's aware of when there's, you know, certain things happening, for example, like a morning tea, like Halloween dress up. We had pajama day the other day. I'm the one that has to be aware of those type of calendar events.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. I'm familiar with the calendar events. And I missed a very important date. Oh no. So the date that I missed, Ash, was one that we were informed about, I want to say like at least two weeks in advance. There's a massive notice board at the entrance to the daycare that says like, don't forget, next week on Tuesday, it's daycare photo day.

Oh, fuck. And for us, it's a very important date. They have a great photographer come in and it's a chance that we get for the girls to have a photo together. That's a beautiful keepsake. Yeah, not like a shit photo on the weekend where they're like trying to outdo each other. I don't know how this particular photographer does it, but she gets great shots.

Last year's photos, chef's kisses. Candid? Yeah. I hate the daycare photos because they're so posy. Especially with Oscar, they put him in some pose, like his hands in his pocket but his thumbs out. What's wrong with that? He looks like the dad from Full House, little Danny Tanner action.

He looks great. Jorts, jeans. What's wrong with the hand in the pocket? It just looks too posy for me. I mean, if he's doing like the eyebrow rub or if he's doing like fixing up the button of his sleeve on a tee. The French cuff. Yeah, then I get it. He's like, oh.

Yeah, and he's doing like legs crossed. Too much. Too much. But if he's doing a hand in the pocket. With a lean. Like it's going to be one of his head shots for his- For those wondering, Ash is pretending like he's leaning on a wall, looking over the shoulder with a raised eyebrow, which I think is a beautiful pose.

Okay, all right. But look, it's a good mix. Some are candid, some are staged. I prefer the candid, but that's fine. When I get the girls ready in the morning, Ash, I normally just take the path of least resistance, which means I let the girls pick what they want to wear. Yeah, like what? Whether it they want to wear. Yeah. Like what?

Whether it's mismatched socks. Okay. Whether it's a t-shirt that was when they were two and it's like a midget. They're squeezing into it. And they're like, that's what I want to wear. I'm like, that's what you want? That's what you get? Yeah.

I don't care. As long as we can get out the house under an hour. As long as it's climate appropriate. Well, even if it's not, I'm like, they'll find out the hard way. I'll put a jumper in the bag. Yeah, yeah. But I think that morning Lola was wearing an old Christmas T-shirt. Oh, yeah.

Was it like a Kmart one? It was a Kmart. It was a Mickey Mouse one. Oh. But it was too small. It had been in the driveway too many times. So her little belly was sticking out. Marley was wearing like those Kmart leggings.

They lose their elasticity. So they kind of fall down her ass. And they're also like halfway up her calf. They're so short now as well. And I was like, whatever. It's fine. They're wearing something. But also they hate me doing their hair.

Oh, yeah. So I'm like, sweet. If you want to go out looking like that, it's on you. Yeah, it doesn't bother you. It doesn't bother me. So I got to daycare. I was like, I'm at the finish line. I can like, sweet. If you want to go out looking like that, it's on you. Yeah, it doesn't bother you. It doesn't bother me. So I got to daycare. I was like, I'm at the finish line. I can drop them off.

I can get a moment of freedom. And I looked at the fucking sign at the entrance to daycare. And I was like, today's the day. We're having photos. Fucking hell. What did you do? What are your options, though? I knew that Laura would kill me if I didn't do something

about the situation. Oh, yeah. I'd be like too bad. I turned around and I got a new outfit. You, did you leave? How did that work? You drive all the way home. I kicked the girls out of the car.

Wait here. Dropped them off at daycare, went back to get their outfits and I got them their beautiful party dresses that they're only allowed to wear at birthday parties. of the car. Way to hear. Dropped them off at daycare, went back to get their outfits, and I got them their beautiful party dresses that they're only allowed to wear at birthday parties. They can't wear at daycare because they get them way too messy with paint. And so that was a treat in itself. I got them the sparkly jackets that they always want to wear, but I don't allow them to wear because they get it too dirty.

This one was a sequence. A sequence, yes. You know it. You know it. You're a big fan. And we got some beautiful photos. Oh, that's great. I'm happy.

What about the hair? Oh. Who did the hair? They did the hair there. How do they know how to do the hair so well? Because there's a girl called Savannah who was just like the queen of doing the hair. Oh, I suck at it. I don't know what she does, but they come back home with like beautiful French braids.

And Savannah's like, that's $50. How did you get them to sit there that long? Like to do that? Don't ask me, bro. Ask Savannah. We would need to get her in for a lesson. That'd be something I'd be willing to do. But the photos were great.

Photos were great. I'm glad. I'm so happy. Speaking of school pickups, Matt, and drop-offs, because you know that in my house there's an array of people that do an array of jobs. One is the pickup. You've got an army behind you. I have an army.

They say it takes a village. It definitely does. I'm the village idiot. Sorry. Let me redo that. No. How did I get there? How did I get there? How did I get there?

Well, we did. Do you want to try it again? You can do it. I can't believe I fumbled up the idiot line. They say it takes a village, Matt, and I just happen to be the village idiot. And insert laugh. Okay, so.

How dare you. So we do. I didn't even rehearse that. It just came to me then. Do we just juggle who does the pickups really? The drop offs is just April and I are listening. We both have a work commitment and then Papa comes in and saves the day. Who's Papa?

Papa is April's dad, Frank. Papa. Shout out to Frank. He won't be listening because I doubt that he wants to hear his son-in-law yap on. I'm the yapper of the family, believe it or not. And so we take turns in specific days. My wife's a very scheduled person.

She hates it when things go out the window. So I do the pick up on Monday because April is home with Macy. It's a Macy April day. And I pick up Oscar from preschool around 3.30, 4 o'clock, depending how busy I am. Today he's going to have to wait. I'll be honest. Yeah.

I really appreciate you giving me your entire weekly schedule. Okay, okay, okay. I'll make it a bit faster. But Tuesday and Wednesday, Papa Tuesday and Wednesday Papa picks them up and kicks them to 5 o'clock thank heavens which is amazing love that

because both April and I work Tuesday and Wednesday but then I pick him up again on Thursday I'm sorry it's part of the story but every time I can you let me get through it?

Yes, I can. Every time I pick Oscar up on a Thursday, he... I can't work under these conditions. Continue. Continue. What day are we at? Thursday. Thursday we're at.

Thursday. And then Friday, no. Thursday, I pick Oscar up and he's very disappointed all the time. And he's sad. Wait, disappointed in? That I'm picking him up and not Papa because he obviously loves Papa so much. Or as I thought. Papa's been doing something that you've told him not to do.

Not to do. And it's such a grandparent thing and you'll pick up on this. And the parents at home who are listening will also pick up on this, the grandparents do this. He gives him a special treat every time he picks him up. And I can't compete with that. Okay. I've tried to compete with it, like by saying, oh,

I've got something in the car, but it's never good enough. I don't know what he's given him. He's been told not to do it, but he's sneakily doing it. Did you tell him or did April? Not me. Yeah, I was like, wow. I was like, imagine you like sitting down pop and being like, mate, we need to talk.

Yeah, listen here, mate. I'm going to rein you in. It's not me that's doing it. But April's told him once and April's like, look. Did he hate it? He must have because now he does it behind our backs. And it's like April's like, I'm not going to say anything else because he's honestly doing us a massive favor.

So now I'm- Because that is the tricky thing, isn't it? Because on the one hand, you very much appreciate what he's doing, but at the same time, you're like- Now he expects a special treat every time. I'm setting the kid up to fail. No resilience in that child. No.

And what do I do? Do I just join the dark side and say to Papa, hey, what do you give him so I know to take that with me to when I pick you up? I've tried all sorts of things. I've been like, what about this? You come get in the car and we'll go to the park. Is this to Papa or Oscar?

To Papa. We'll take you for a walk or a shuffle and i've been like well what about i've got sometimes i take macy with me to like soften the blow and be like macy's like what the fuck it's not even my day to be here and then um it's just nothing's working so i just have to i think i'm just gonna have to take the disappointment. And I even tried to explain to him that it's not a special treat if you get it every day. So that's why it's special when Papa picks you up.

And he still is just like, yeah, but I want one. But I want it. It sounds like you need someone else external to the family to have a word with Papa. I thought you were going to say kidnap him. If you want to give me his address. I will. Or phone number. I will. You can have it. It's yours. I can have a quick chat to him. popper i thought you're gonna say kidnap him okay if you want to give me his address i will or phone number i will you can have it i can have a quick chat expect a stern call from maddie j i understand

how frustrating it is because laura had a period where she was away for work quite a lot uh it's when she was she was doing the live shows oh yeah and every time she'd come back there's one of the news agencies at the airport that sell these little soft toys and the kids absolutely love it. They go mad for it. And she'd come home and she'd give them the toy. And the kids kind of got into the routine of- They expect it. When you come home, they're like- Where is it, bitch? Yeah. Literally. Yeah, right.

Literally like zero affection. And then when you say, oh, there's no, there is no toy. There's nothing here, they just flip out. Like, you're dead to me. Matt, the other day we posted a video of Macy and her attempt at pronouncing the word truck. Do you mind if we put that in here right now? Just a quick snippet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's what she said. Macy, can you say truck? Truck. Just one more time for me. Truck. Did you say f**k? Yeah.

Okay. God, she's adorable. I know. The best part of that video is that I said, you know you said f**k, and she was like, yeah, I know what I'm doing. You should hear her say, oh, no. Oh, no. She's great. So we did put a, oh, no. Oh, no. She's great.

So we did put a call out, Matt. Well, you did on the back of that because you thought it'd be hilarious, which I also concurred. There are many words that kids say unintentionally turning them into swear words. And let's be honest, as much as we don't want kids to swear, there is nothing funnier than a toddler dropping the F-bomb. Oh, it's the best.

As well as many other profanities. So, Ash, here are a few words that kids accidentally turn into swear words. Crocodile turns into fuckadile. Garbage truck turns into fuckage. Fuckage? Thank you turns into fuck you. Fuck you. Fuckage?

Thank you turns into fuck you. We say they don't know, but they definitely know. I've got a couple here really quick. So this one says, my son says dinosaur, but it always sounds like arsehole. I don't know how everything turns into like... It just turns into fucking or... Okay, what do you think this one is? Fuck a fly. That's a butterfly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got one here. Fucking. Button. What else you got? Spring rolls. Struggling with that one. Turns into fucking rolls.

I don't know. These kids, they just love saying fuck. They just love the fuck word. Here you go. How do you think this kid says popcorn? Fuckcorn? Cockcorn. Yeah.

Okay, okay. Kids asking for chocolate, they call it shit cock. It doesn't even sound like it. Beach, bitch. That's pretty. Classic. Bitch. His parents written in and said that their child would yell out,

look at my dick. Oh, that's a nice dick. What are they referring to? Oh, you got a dick too. My dick's too long. I feel you. Talking about a stick. Talking about a stick.

You'd say the darndest things, don't you? Oh, brilliant. That's great. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. That is very, very good. And as a parent, that's a little like humorous boost that you need to get through the day slash week. Absolutely.

I love that. All right. Let's move on to our favorite segment, Matt. Petty Couples. Petty Couples. Petty Couples, walking down the street. Petty Couples, the kind I like to meet. Petty Couples, I I love you but I'm immature

No one can push me quite like you So this is the segment where you write in the petty little thing that you do to your significant other. Because we love that shit. I got a couple of quick ones I want to rattle off, Matt. You know I like it quick, Ash. I know. Laura told me.

All right. This one's from Joan. Fuck you. Joan leaves the plastic on the cheese sandwich because he should be making his own lunches. Absolutely.

I agree. Do you know, it's an important lesson that I learned as a youngster that if you do a job badly, you don't get asked to do it again. Yeah, at least, look, I like the ones, this one had context to why she does that.

Go on. But the next one, there's no context and I don't know why. Obviously, they've just got this secret. Maybe they resent them and they just need to do this. But Hallie says, I fold all these socks with odd ones. Good. Good. It's so like small and petty, kind of harmless.

But what led you to that point? Yeah. That's what I want to know. Yeah. There's nothing I dislike more, Ash. Well, actually, there's a few things, but let's not go into it. Why? I dislike wearing odd socks.

I just can't do it. Ash. Yes. I have one here. It's a bit of a long one. I won't say her name. She would like to say anonymous, and of course, I will respect those wishes.

You can, of course. A reminder to everyone out there, you do not have to give your name. We don't want to cause divorce. We don't. Or do we? We should like invest, like buy into a divorce lawyer. Just have one on retainer. Yeah.

Okay. This is from, I was about to say a name. I will not. Nearly. My husband and I have just celebrated our five-year anniversary. Oh, congratulations. And we are pretty petty. Fantastic.

The latest petty thing I've done, however, is somewhat fair. Let us be the judge of that. She says, Ash, I refuse to shave my pubic hair because he refuses to shave his mustache. Whoa. Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Tit for tat.

Let me stop you right there. Go on. There is nothing wrong with a man's mustache. And there's nothing- Some would call it the womb broom. There is nothing wrong with a hairy vagine. Absolutely not. They both are beautiful in their own right.

Yeah. Let's continue. She says, let me explain. My husband is a firefighter and they're not allowed to grow a beard, so they're only allowed to grow a mustache and they have to have it clean shaven every shift. Her husband has decided yet again to grow his mustache, but the issue is he grows the thickest hairs on his upper lip,

resulting in what looks like a 70s porn star stache that never softens. So kissing him is like kissing a cactus. So the petty thing is she just refuses to shave her bush. He's probably like thinking, how good's this? Maybe he likes it. If he's getting this 70s porn star tash, maybe he likes a Harry Bush downstairs. Maybe.

Look, I don't think it's that petty. I think it's beautiful. I think it's playing on. Send us a photo. Of the mustache. Of the mustache. And your bush. Moving on.

Let's go to some listening questions. So I'll go first man I have a question for you well I don't I always say that Taylor does how do you cope when your partner's parents

don't like you I can't give an answer based on personal experience because everyone has always loved me and I've never had a situation where a

a parent yeah they've always been pretty happy that I've been dating their child. You played that very cool then. I know a friend. I have a friend. I want to say. His name is Matthew.

But they had a similar scenario where this woman had gotten together with a guy and she was lovely. She was, you know, if you're wanting someone to marry your son, this woman ticked all the boxes. You know, she was considerate. She was kind. She was hardworking. She had a lot of love to give, excited to be a mom, also career driven, just like all-round great person. And yet from the get-go, the mom hated her. The mother-in-law. Mother-in-law, yes. The mother of the guy hated this woman.

Do you think it's like a bit of a like, you're not good enough for my son complex? It was down to the fact that the mom thought she had an issue with the fact that she was like losing her son to another woman. And it didn't matter what she did. She always like had an issue with how she was doing things, whether it was like. That's on the mum though. That's what I, and it's similar to this scenario here is like. What's your reasoning?

Like you're, I know it must be really hard. I can imagine that when my children grow up, when they are, you know, having their own families and there will be a period where I'll be like waving goodbye to them and they go off. You're not going to hate them unless it's a truly hateable person. Yeah, if you're disliking your child's partner purely based on the fact that you feel like their relationship is being removed, grow the fuck up.

Yeah, totally. Grow the fuck up. The thing that sucks is though, if you're on the receiving end, you have to, I think, just acknowledge that that relationship unfortunately may never get better. The person who I'm referring to, they've been married for almost 10 years now and their relationship has never progressed past that level of tension. Question for you, Ash. Yes.

Do you have any advice? This is from Charlotte. She asks, do you have any advice for how you can get your children to wipe their own bum? Oh, no. Anyway. That sigh tells me that you are a man who was defeated. Yeah, look.

I hate. Does Oscar. First of all, Oscar will sit there on the toilet. He'll poo. And you're going, Mom. April's like busy or something. He's like, oh, I'll do it. Like, okay, I'll do it.

And you're like, no, I want Mom. Like, first of all, ouch. That hurts. At the same time, it's not a pleasure to wipe your asshole butt. And I've been trying to be like, you're going to have to do this on your own. Mainly because the other day, I was wiping his butt. My finger slipped through the toilet paper. Sorry.

Not good. Not good. Poo all over my finger. Get that thing away from me. You're fucking weird. Anyway, I was like. So make him wipe his own bum, right? I was like, you need to wipe your own bum.

Sure. And he was like, no. And I was like, okay. And I've said this before. If you're not going to wipe your bum and I have to wipe your bum, that means you have to wipe my bum from now on. And I made it sound as bad as it actually is. You've got to be careful because that could get your children

taken away from you. I just wanted it to be like, oh, no way, I'd much rather do my own. So far it hasn't worked. I still wipe his butt. And I even do what he does is I open the door and I go, Oscar, like just to tease him. And the smell from your behind must be uncoofed. I just open the door and I'm like, who am I kidding?

The door's already open. I'm like, Oscar, come wipe my butt. No. So I'm working on him. I'm wearing him down. No, because even when I have had Marley, who's now almost five, wipe her own bum, it's just making a mess. So you'd much rather just do it?

Yeah, just do it properly. Otherwise, she'll like just smear shit literally everywhere on the toilet seat, on her backside and she'll whip her undies on and get dressed

and be like, well, I'm finished. She doesn't understand that you have to wipe until the toilet paper's clean. Yeah, it's like that time where I told you that story where Oscar pooped in the back of the nappy and then flicked it against the wall and it hit the wall and slid down the toilet paper's clean. Yeah, it's like that time I told you that story where Oscar pooped in the back of the nappy

and then flicked it against the wall and it hit the wall and slid down the tile board. Yeah, they don't understand. They don't get it. They don't get it. I've got no advice then. No advice. Sorry.

They just persevere until they move out. Before we go, Matt, we do have a little treat, okay, off the back of our little Stone and Wood chat earlier. Something's come up. It's naked photos of Ash. Damn it back of our little Stone and Wood chat earlier. Something's come up. It's naked photos of Ash. Damn it. With cases of Stone and Wood. No, it's just the cases of Stone and Wood themselves.

Yes. To celebrate the release of the wood-fired porter, we have a carton to give away. Matt, how does someone win this? All you have to do is share a story of yourself listening to Two Doting Dads, tag us, tag Stone and Wood, follow both accounts, and we'll pick someone at random to win the case of beer. And we'll pick someone at random. Can I win this one?

You already have like 12 cases in your garage. I would need one more. Ash, we better pack up, mate, because it's time for lunch. And I need to drive back to Bondi, which will take me... Back to the motherland. Quick, retreat! But if you have enjoyed this episode, we would love it if you would share it with anyone else out there who you think may benefit from two idiots

talking about the hardships of parenting. Maybe give us a review. Maybe it'd be nice. Just one review would be nice. Just people. Okay, can I just, can I have a qualm with people who give us a five-star rating? And don't leave any comments. I will not wipe your bum.

No, yes. Don't appreciate it. 4.9 stars is currently, you know. Whoever's bringing us down that 0.1, you better look out. But we'll see you guys next episode. See you, bye. Bye. Look out.

But we'll see you guys next episode. See you, bye. Bye. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.

This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.