Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #74 The Party Of The Century!

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

Finally, after 5 years, Oscar gets a birthday party! Hope he doesn't expect one every year.  Did everything go to plan? Well, Matt and Ash will let you be the judge of that.  Make sure you share your best Petty Couples stories with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Buy our book: https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  Email: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Question for you is, how often do you shave your pubic hair? I never fully shave it. Like bald? No, trim. Trim. Trim. When ever I'm feeling tasty. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J.

This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. If you've come wanting any advice, don't do it. Don't do it. Stop right now. This is about how often to shave your pubic hairs. Well, how often do it. Don't do it. Stop right now. It's about how often to shave your pubic hairs.

Well, how often do you, on average, do you think, how often are we? Oh, it's sporadic. I'm a sporadic shaver. I don't have like a set routine. I'm finding that body maintenance is becoming harder and harder. It's like I've got to do one thing a week. If I do it all at once, then I've got to do it all again at once.

You've got to stagger it out. What else is in your maintenance routine? Facial shave, trim of the moustache. My fingernails grow incredibly fast. Like I'm cutting them once a week. Do you have a second trimmer for your face? Fuck no. Yeah.

Good. Okay, great. I like the smell. Oh, God. This morning, I need a little trim. Ash is coming over. A little trim. I was like, I want to look good for Ash.

And I was running a little bit ahead of schedule. And I was like, well, whilst I'm here, I'm in the bathroom. It's been a long time since I've shaved downstairs. I was like, wow, it's getting pretty out of control. And then just, hey, I was like, may as well trim my chest hair. You've done the whole beard. Yeah. Did it end in a selfish wank?

I didn't intend for this chat to get weirdly sexual. I do that. I can do that. I can turn anything into that. You're very good at it. Thank you. Very good at it. Thank you. Very good at it. That's what she said.

No. Before we do continue, of course, we are drinking a – we're back to the old Pacific Ale by Stone and Wood. Lovely floral tones. I would say, Matt, that the Pacific Ale is one of those beers that you can introduce to those people that don't really like beers that much because of its floral, fruity aromas and, oh, man, it's just the mouthfeel on it.

Yeah, Laura's a funny one when it comes to beer. There's only like certain times, certain days of the month where Laura's like, I feel like a beer. I don't know when it happens. It's just every now and then she'll be like, do you know what? I feel like a beer. I don't know when it happens. It's just every now and then she'll be like, do you know what? I feel like a beer. That's a bit like my mom, yeah.

Yeah, it's weird. It's like on a Sunday afternoon, Laura all of a sudden will just be like, get me a beer. Get us a beer. Quickly, where's the Stonewood? And this is the one that she likes. The Pacific Ale is her favorite. And I don't blame her because it is, they say,

easy, approachable, and refreshing. This is the go-to. This is the beer that put Stone & Wood on the map and was the first Pacific ale on the market and created a whole new start. It was a pioneer. A pioneer. If you will, Ash.

Yes, and of course, cheers to that, and thanks to Stone & Wood for making this episode possible. Delightful. What's news, Matt? Mate, just battling illness in my family. I haven't seen you in a couple of days. It feels like you're always battling illness in this house. Why would you say that?

You were sick the other day. Was I? Yes. Was I really sick? Who was sick this time? It goes around in circles. It was Laura. Laura was sick.

It was the burn. The queen has fallen. That's right. Not sure if it was a food poisoning. Could have been gastro The queen has fallen. That's right. Not sure if it was a food poisoning. Could have been gastro. We're not quite sure, Ash. Give me the symptoms. She felt a bit queasy, although it's hard because she-

That narrows it right down. She's always just a bit queasy. Dairy, usually. It's probably undiagnosed IBS. It probably is. You're not wrong. And I swear it was only like the other day that I said to myself, gosh, I've had a good run of not vomiting.

Vomiting is like my least favorite of the ailments. It's great for your abs. I absolutely hate vomiting. Anyway, so Laura was feeling queasy. She was like, I don't know if I'm going to vomit. I think I might vomit. And then I was kind of like after a while I was like, look, just go vomit. Does it make you want to feel like vomiting too?

Yeah, I felt fine. And then I was like, am I sick? Do I want to vomit? Anyway, that night she got up, went to the bathroom, started vomiting. It happened. It happened. More than once? Yeah, it happened a couple of times. What about the squirts? Oh, yeah, squirts too. It happened. It happened. More than once? Yeah, it happened a couple of times.

What about the squirts? Oh, yeah, squirts too. Both ends. Yeah, it was coming out. It was messy. It was not good. I hate pissing out your bum too. It's gross.

It's a nightmare. And also, you know what made it even worse? Yeah. Had a green curry. Oh. Had a green curry for dinner. Yeah, so like spicy coconutty milk. Really all the things have been concocted here.

It's one really bad storm of spewage shit. And then I was also like, it's a fucking matter of time now before I get taken. And the kids. What about the kids? I was also looking at the kids being like, you guys have no idea what's coming your way. It's just a waiting game. Yeah, they're like, Dad, what's wrong? And I was like.

It's like barley belly, isn't it? It's just a matter of time. Yeah, I was trying to be positive. Did you just stay away from her? Well, okay, so. Yeah. So the next day, she stayed at home. She didn't go to work.

She was in recovery mode. And then I think it takes more than 24 hours to overcome that kind of illness. Because you're very weak. Very weak. Ah. Yeah. She was the shell of her former self. Unless you're like properly hydrated.

She was slightly yellowish as well. She was that unwell. She was, and she smelled. Anything else? Smell was indescribable. God, the breath. You can smell it downstairs. And then she was on the couch and she's like, I'm going to go to bed.

And I was like, okay, goodnight. She's like, are you going to kiss me or not? I was like, what? Fuck no. What do you mean? And she's like, you've just given me no love. Oh my, what? Is she serious?

If ever there was a time for no affection, it's right now. This is a game of survival it's just gonna transmit whatever it is like immediately yeah don't fucking drag me down with you yeah then what i'm gonna be sick and you're gonna be like bye i've gotta go to work it's like if you were hanging from a crevasse right and laura was dangling beneath me and she was attached to me with a rope, I was prepared to cut her. Okay. Save me. Nope.

Yeah. Well, I was like, there is no benefit in both of us going down. Absolutely. It's like with the Titanic. Rose on the door. Yes. And Jack sinks. He could have fit on there.

Don't ruin the movie in case anyone's not seen it. If you haven't seen Titanic by now, too fucking bad. People are like, oh, come on. Come on. I've been waiting for that. Exactly. Yeah. Save one,

don't both go down. Anyway, so I was like, you're not getting any affection. She was like, please. And I was like, is this Laura talking or the virus?

Love me. Yeah, I was like, you've taken over right now. Anyways, we had sex. And I was sick for days afterwards. No, I'm still a touch of wood.

Yeah. You're in that like couple of days either side of like, could I still get it? Is it still lingering? Did you change your sheets? No. Oh. I know.

Well, the next night I ended up sleeping in Lola's bed. Oh, yeah, ground floor of the bunk bed. Ground floor, bunk bed with Lola. Oh. First time I've ever slept. She allowed you in. She allowed me in. She didn't know, did she?

Well, she was a little bit like, what the fuck are you doing here? If you get up on that top bunk with Marley, will it fall? It sounds, I've been up there a few times. Sometimes she's like, hop up here. And I get up there and it's like, yeah, it's like a ship that's just creaking. And also I feel bad because Lola's underneath. Oh, imagine. Yeah.

I know, it would be. Squash Lola. Yeah. So I don't normally go up there. Ground floor's where I'm at. But Lola's, she's very hard to read. I can't. She's the queen of gaslighting.

I can't pick it. I slept and she said, hold my foot. So I was like, okay. So I like hold her foot and then she goes blanket and I put a blanket on and she goes too much. One foot is under the blanket up to the knee. The other foot I'm holding outside the blanket. I'm just like on eggshells being like.

It's like a game of Twister or whatever. Right foot red. Shit. Very uncomfortable. or whatever. Yes. Right foot red. Yeah, I'm like, okay. Shit. Very uncomfortable. I finally get to a point where she's happy and I'm like on my tippy toes, like upside down, making sure that she's happy. We got there in the end.

Terrible night's sleep for me. It was not good. So you're back. You're back in the marital bed and she's okay? So far, dodged the gastro. So far so good. So far so good. Well, for me, Matt, I'm a little bit tired too. Not from illness, I would say.

Last night I was like really pumped to go to bed, get a good night's sleep. But when you do that, usually that's when shit hits the fan. I think about I'd fallen asleep and it was about 10, 10.30 and I hear Oscar bellowing out. Anyway, so we're at the moment because he's still in nappies at night. We're trying to get him to do a wee right before he goes to sleep but he's still got a nappy on just in case. So we go into the bathroom, do a wee, and with a boy you've got

to make sure it's tucked down after so then when he does wee, it gets absorbed. He must have tucked it. So like if he has the willy facing upwards, it'd wee like over and out the nappy. And that's exactly what happened. So he's woken up in the middle of the night and he's like, I've wee'd on myself.

And it just so happens that his dick was hanging out the top of it. He's wee'd. And he's wee'd all over himself. And I'm like, oh, fuck. Like it was pungent too at that time of night. And then I was like, fuck, okay, whatever. Just got him changed, trying to get Matthew to sleep. Got him changed, wiped him down a little bit, just left the bed.

And I was like, just go and get into my bed. After all this time he's sleeping in his bed, now he's back into mine. Anyway, he's in there. A few hours later, he starts crying. I'm like, what's wrong with you? And he's like, my foot. The poor kid must have growing pains in his foot. But he also does this thing where he holds his breath where he's like,

what is that for? Because he's trying not to cry. And I'm like, just let it out. Breathe. So at like 2 o'clock this morning, he's like. Who's taught him this? I don't know. Anyway, so we're up for an hour and a bit there trying to deal with that.

And he's just like, my foot. I'm like, what if I rub a bit of that? Doesn't help. Like, I'm just like, eventually I was just like, lay down. Shut up. There's only so much soft parenting you can do before you're like, do you want to go back into the bed of piss or not? And he's like, I'll stay here.

So both instances, easy now to get back to sleep. And then this morning, April, who slept through a majority of this, she was like, did Oscar wear the bed last night? I was like, yeah. Well, you didn't. When the bed was being wet, you did it as a one-man job. Yeah. You went in solo. I went in and was being wet, you did it as a one-man job. Yeah. You went in solo.

I went in and got done. Can I just, for a second, I want to applaud that. That is well done. Thank you. 11 o'clock at night, I think it was. Did you think about calling for help or you just thought, no, I'll do this by myself? No, I never thought it was an option, to be honest.

Fuck you. Now that you've said this, she's in big trouble for not helping. It's big brownie points. Just now down the office. Doting. God, you are fully fledged doting dad right now. Anyway, this morning when April was quizzing. I've never been so attracted to you than right now.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. April decided this morning to ask me about what happened. Did she start accusing? She started asking me a million questions like it was CSI. She was asking me like why, how, when. I'm like, babe, I was half asleep. I dressed him and put him in the room and he didn't even move.

She's there like tasting the weed. She's like, that's not. Pretty much. That tastes like you. She was like roped up the bed like a crime scene. And I was just like, what are you accusing me of? But his clothes were covered in a, it was, but anyway, that's why I was just a little bit tired today.

Hence why you probably thought I might have been hungover. No, no, sorry. A little bit baggy eyed. A little bit baggy today. I'm tired as well because I did take the kids to the city the other day for a couple of nights just in the city we live in. They never get to enjoy the CBD. Never been, never stayed.

Now they have. They're exactly the same kids as they were before I took them there. No, they're more worldly. But we went to the aquarium. The one in Daling Harbour. Sea life, if you will. I will. Sea life.

And they've got the dugong. It eats a lot of salad. And lots of penguins. They do have heaps of penguins. I will. Sea life. And they've got the dugong. It eats a lot of salad. And lots of penguins. They do have heaps of penguins. I would say too many. Lots of penguin shit. Lots of penguin shit. Lots of penguin shit.

Especially when it comes up to the glass, turns around, and just spits one out. Putting on a show. Putting on a show. But one thing that I noticed was kids get bored of fish pretty quick. I feel like kids get bored of everything pretty quickly. It's well designed, though, in that there's always something different. Like, you know, four steps, you get the penguins.

Another four steps, you get the sharks. Another four steps. The penguins again. Yeah. But close to the end, there's a thing called, it's like the rock pool. That sounds great. First of all, the starfish. Surely they're sick of being touched.

I don't know if starfish have a brain. I feel like I saw one starfish get prodded by three or four different kids. Dude, they might be into it. The starfish might be like, oh. Touch me again. Don't stop. Lots of grubby mitts on these poor starfish. And I started to feel really bad, but there was one kid.

So it's chest height, but there's a step for the kids. And the lady was saying, you lay your chest over if you want to touch something that's further over. This kid didn't quite understand it. He was on all fours in the rock pool. Oh, shit. I was trying to get a photo, but I was like, stop it. He was knees in the water, stepping on the urchins,

like walking up and just like couldn't get this kid out of the thing. And I was like. What were the security doing? There's no security. They're meant to be kids. Parents are meant to be pulling their kids out. It's like Godzilla. The starfish are like, no.

Here it comes. Both parents were grabbing onto the kid's back of the shirt. Like, stop. And this kid's just like stamping through. Any starfish survive? No confirmed kills. I feel like starfish survive? No confirmed kills. I feel like starfish, they're not endangered. They're fine.

I think the aquarium is prepared to lose a few starfish every day. I don't think that's fair. I feel like there's a quota. If they lose any, like five or under is a good day. A day? Yeah. They don't grow on trees. In the ocean.

How do they procreate? Well, actually. When the stars align. Anyway, so this kid ruined that for everybody. The Rock Pools is just after the penguin roller coaster. So in there, I don't know if you've seen it, you line up, there's six to a car. I didn't do that.

The line was too big. Because the line was huge. This is my point. And I want to get your opinion on this. And I overheard something that really grinded my gears. We didn't line up because I thought two little kids, they don't want to give a fuck about this. They just want to see the penguins.

We'll keep going. But the line was fucking ginormous. Okay. Huge. And people were waiting for a very long time. And then I heard this guy say, mum's just texted. She's at the front of the line, so we need to go back. And I thought, oh, it might just be him and his little kid.

That's fine to me. There was him and seven other people that now were going to be at the front of the line. Okay. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, I do understand. So now the people that are, because it sticks to a cart, that are in that sixth deep all of a sudden are now outside of the six,

being pushed down the line because these other people. So just to confirm, you've got one person in line who was then enabling a further like six people to jump in. Seven more people. Seven, I apologize, seven people to jump in. Seven more people. Seven, I apologise. Seven people to join in to that queue. And those seven got to enjoy the rest of the aquarium while everyone else, including kids behind,

and kids aren't going to understand this, why are seven people getting in front of me on this line now? I've just waited an hour. Dog act? Dog act or okay? Look, it's a tricky one because I've actually been in a situation where I have been the cue jumper. But with seven people?

Oh, five. Oh. Unintentional. Unintentional. It was at a restaurant. We had to line up like an RSL and you had to order. A family member was at the start of the queue or like two back from placing their order and then just unknowingly one by one

we kind of like, oh, like Adam's there. So we joined in with Adam and then one guy was like, who was behind us, was like, what the fuck is this? Like how many years are of you? And I was like, there's five. I can appreciate that would be pretty annoying. For me, I wasn't in the line. So I just observed it.

That's all I do is observe. I'm all for queuing. Think of it like this. You're taking your day out to take your kids to the aquarium. First of all, it's a chore for you. You're not having a really good time. You're enthusiastically pretending to have a good time so that your kids are like, yeah, we're all having an amazing time.

Don't pretend like you don't love the dugongs. I let a fish suck my dick. No. I wouldn't be surprised if you did. It was a guppy. Yeah, I think it's not on, I think it's not on. I think it's not on. I don't think you should get –

You take the kids down and you're already like, come on, trying to get them to stand in line for their turn is hard enough. I think if you are going to jump in and meet someone who's been queuing, I think it has to be maxed at two people. I think past the immediate family, it's not on. So, for example, if we all went and Laura stood in line, you and the girls would be able to go in. But for us, we didn't as a family stand in that line.

So we are not entitled to that position in that line. When did you become such a queue vigilante? Just lately. Wow. Two days ago. You were fucking getting old. It just grinded my gears. You were getting old.

You know you're getting old when you start having a go at other people's Q. I didn't have a go. Well, I am now publicly in a much bigger forum. No, I think it's great. I think it's great. I think you're like at the stage of life now where you'll start to write angry notes on people's cars you haven't parked properly. That's where you're headed. I'm going to become really into politics.

That's where you're headed. You're about to – when did you last make a noise complaint for a neighbor? I made a noise complaint. Oh, fuck. Ten years ago, actually. It was ten years ago. Don't pretend like it wasn't last week. Ten years ago, actually.

It was ten years ago. Don't pretend like it wasn't last week. Hey, should we talk about a topic that we've all come really to hear about? Yes. The party of the century. The absolute party of the century. The one party of the century the poor kid gets. Can I just say, I do want to say, up front, you did a really fantastic job. Let's hear your thoughts on the whole party.

I'll give the listeners what they want. Yeah, I'll talk about Ash as a swan because what I saw was beautiful, elegant. I do know that under the surface, the legs were running frantically because I woke up on Saturday morning and it wasn't good. It was, the weather was horrible. It was pouring down. I've not seen rain like that in all my life.

Do you know who we have to blame for that? The Facebook group. I said, everyone pray for good weather. Obviously, no one did because it was horrific. Did anyone write back to that post? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But not enough. Not enough, no.

So if you're listening and you're not in the Facebook group, shame on you. You've ruined a young man's birthday. Yeah, no, he didn't. We adjusted. Contingency. When did you make the call to change venues? Because, hey, changing venues on the day, it's no easy task.

So I have been working tirelessly for this party i have been organizing tirelessly no help for my wife april she's done nothing but worry barely lifted a finger she just worried all week about the weather and it's funny because she was like last week she was all about manifestation and she was like if you say it it'll happen like that's her thing right so it's just go back to Tuesday last week, everyone what I recall. And she's like, I've written a new manifestation on the whiteboard in the living room.

If you speak it, it'll happen or some shit like that. I can't remember. And she was like, so it's going to be a beautiful day on Saturday. And I'm like, that's the spirit. I don't believe anything in that shit. But I was like, I know what's good for me, and that's to go along with it. And then Wednesday comes along, and she's on every weather app,

and she's like, it's going to be fucked. It's going to be fucked. The weekend's going to be fucked. Everything's going to be fucked. And I was like, what happened to your manifestation? You can't tell me it's going to be. We need to stay strong. She was like, we need to have a backup in case.

Yeah. I'm like, in case what? She was like, it's going to rain. It's fucked. But also you don't want to, I remember when Marley had her birthday, similar scenario where I woke up and I was like, this is a disaster. And Marley was like, but why? It's my birthday.

Why is it a disaster? And you're like, shit. Yeah. We've got to keep it positive in front of the kids. But I was like, you've written it on the board. You're trying to manifest. And here you are talking about a contingency plan. Manifestation is just giving you the finger right now.

Yeah. So every day I was like, we'll leave it till tomorrow. And then if it's still, because you know how the weather app can change. It's all a forecast. A forecast is garbage, except on this occasion, just happened to be great. On the day it was clearing up, I had been in touch with the venue, been like, hey.

I thought you were going to say you've been in touch with like Department of Meteorology. With BOM. Is the radar correct? Who is this? Just tell me, damn it. I was in touch with the venue being like, look, in case it's going to rain, I've got like 30 kids lined up.

I'm going to have to cancel. They were like, yeah, that's cool. No worries. That's fine. We understand. I do have to ask the question. You couldn't bring it indoors in the original venue? Nah, because there was no, the playground's outside.

And they were like, if it's raining, we have to, for insurance, just close the playground. And obviously, they don't, if it's raining, we have to, for insurance, close the playground. And obviously, they don't want to be liable for anything that happens. And on the day, so we're anxiously waiting. And then we were leaving the house a little bit early because everyone just set up. And the sun was out. And it was peeping.

I'm not going to say it was out. That was a lie. It was peeping through. And I'm like, this is perfect. This is going to be fine. We're good people. We deserve this. We've done the right thing. We're being rewarded with all the manifestation all week. Yeah. Do you remember what time you received the text message that the venue had changed? I think it was like 2.30.

And the party was at three o'clock. Yeah. That's when we decided to change the venue. Half hour out. We're actually driving there halfway up the Wacos parkway which is a well-known road on the northern beaches of sydney for those listening who aren't from sydney and we're halfway up and it pissed down and i think april and i were just waiting for the other person to say we should change it and i was like let's change it but and oscar in the car everyone's in the car and what's oscar saying he was like what's's change it. And is Oscar in the car? Everyone's in the car.

And what's Oscar saying? He was like, what's happening? And I just pulled over. We just did the big group messages and I messaged the venue saying, we're going to have to cancel because of the rain. They were fine with it. So that's cool. But yeah, Oscar was like, what's happening?

And I said, look, we're just going to ask everyone to go to a different place, which is the Pitwater RSL, which they have an indoor playground, knowing full well that that's where everyone's going to be today. It's raining. It's one of the only places. It's right near our house, which is great, but you don't need a book. So we made that call. Pitwater RSL was like the Noah's Ark of birthday party venues.

Everyone else had just come. To a beach animal. Yeah. of birthday party venues. Everyone else is just comfy. To a beach animal. We got there and I was like, I wasn't very hopeful. The car park was packed and it usually isn't. I was like, oh, fuck.

Bad sign. It's right at the back end of lunch. And then we went, you know, went inside, went upstairs, went to where the indoor playground is and the place was chockers. There was a fourth birthday there. They could see the big four balloon. Shit. But they had the whole area and it was like family, friends.

It was overkill if you ask me. And I was like, fuck. What are we going to do? And it's adjoining to a restaurant and I saw the manager. I've seen him a few times because I live down the road. I go there every now and then. Which is either a good thing or a bad thing. I just recognised him.

And I've spoken to him before when we've had dinner there before and he's a really- And let's be honest, you're a big deal these days, mate. Yeah, let's be completely honest. Yeah, I'm a huge deal at Pitwater. And I was like, hey hey you're our contingency plan we can't fit out there can we have some of the tables in the restaurant and he was like you can have this whole section ah he was like look the kitchen usually closes at three we're going

to keep it open for you and i was like oh fuck he was really accommodating but she wasn't the manager of the cafe she was like yeah but we have to reset and he was like don't listen to her it's all good when we can move you into where the kids playground is because we need to reset for dinner service we'll just let you know it's fine it's not a big deal anyway so we've set up there turned out it was not it was such a horrible day it was nice and warm the kids took off into the playground and then we had that and another whole section that we'd moved the pass the parcel and everything to which was like barren as it was and everyone could. It was actually worked out so much better.

It was perfect. That was so accommodating. And then closer to the end he come and we need to just set for dinner service and people were starting to leave anyway. And at that point you grabbed him and said, don't fucking tell me what to do. At that point I grabbed him, I kissed him on the mouth. And I said, you've saved us.

Like he was some sort of hero. What was his name? I'm calling him Fat Pete because, you know, Pete from the cafe. He looks like a fat version of him. He got the nickname Fat Pete. But look, if he is listening, you're not fat, you're burly. And thank you. But also we did, so we had Pass the Parcel,

which April stayed up the night before. And because she preached. I did wonder, because can I just say, it's not often, not often you see Pass the Parcel. Often you have the pinñata pass the parcel gets neglected does and it shall be neglected from here on out because april the amount of complaining she did while wrapping that thing up i was like i'll take over she's like you don't have the patience for this i'm like call my bluff she's like keep checking the weather maps i've got past

the past you're on weather get out there with the rain radar i'm outside just checking the weather maps. I've got past the parcel. She's like, you're on weather. Get out there with the rain radar. I'm outside. I go, beep, beep. Just checking the clouds. But she wrapped, she preempted how many kids were there. And there was a lot of kids there. There was like 30 kids. So she's layered 30 layers of this thing.

She's used all the Christmas wrapping. She's used all the birthday wrapping. She's used all the Macy's birthday. She's now got early onset arthritis in her wrist. Yeah, she's like walking around the house like this now. Like she's got two claws. So I'm doing the pass the parcel. I got to the point where I was just like the next kid, rip it open.

The next kid, rip it open. The hard thing was you had a little portable speaker to play the music. For anyone who doesn't know how pass the parcel works, you play the music, you stop the music. Whoever's holding the parcel unwraps it. Beautiful. I don't think anyone could have explained that better than you. Thank you.

That was flawless. There may be a few people out there who haven't been to birthday parties. Now you know. Now they've pictured it. But the issue was the speaker was very soft. Yeah. So we had to get who was like, who's got the newest iPhone? Pete to the rescue.

You guys are just putting out fires left, right and centre. Although there was an issue with Pass the Parcel. What was the issue? This is me not pointing the finger. Like there were a couple of kids who didn't get an item to unwrap. They didn't get a turn. Didn't they? Yeah, a couple of kids.

I don't know. A couple of kids. I ended up just giving everyone something. You walked off and started singing happy birthday and there were couple of kids. I don't know. A couple of kids. I ended up just giving everyone something. You walked off and started singing happy birthday and there were like three kids. They were like, oh, I wanted a kinder chocolate and a race car. Oh, well, there was some laying around. They could have picked it up and got on with it.

Oh, yeah. I think after, once the cake was dished out, it shut them up. And that's the thing, the cake. Whoa, what a massive cake. It was bigger than my wedding cake, that thing. So we got it from a place called Cake Me Up in Narrabeen, which thanks to the listeners, I put the call out. They said, try this place.

Keep in mind, I did zero research. That's how lazy I am. I'm just like out there and someone's like, where's the closest cake? And it was great. It was very, very good. And then everyone packed up and I went home with a car full of presents and Oscar's very happy.

Went off to bed. Success. Did he like my present? Yeah, I've got a gripe with you on that. What do you mean? Beautiful threads. Got some new clothes. Yeah.

But I've noticed that you've tried to dress my child like you. It's a jumper. It's a t-shirt. Yeah. What's- It's very nice. It's very nice. It's a t-shirt. Yeah. It's very nice. It's very nice. Also, a certain style.

Very like- It's a striped jumper. Very yachtsman. Very like, I've just got off my boat sort of style. He looks cute in it, but I've noticed it's not something that I would usually wear, and I usually dress Oscar on things that I would usually wear sort of thing. And then I've-

It's a jumper. Yeah, I got it at- Whoa. Very beautiful. Very nice. Okay. Probably the most expensive jumper he has. He's going to be honest.

And I was like, to April, I'm like, it's nice. But have you noticed something? She's like, yeah, it's sort of something Matt would wear. It's because I wear a lot of navy. Actually, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's because I wear a lot of navy. Actually, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very navy. It's very much like drape the sweater over your shoulders instead of wear it.

It's a blue and white striped jumper. You know what? I'll get some photos. We'll put it out on the Facebook group of what he usually wears and how Matt would dress my child. He's just like, I just really want a boy. I really want him to be mine. I've got him boat shoes.

You've already sent us like the thing to change his name. I do want to know if you picked up on something though regarding the gift. And let me, I'm sure you didn't read the card. I haven't read the card, no. I didn't think you would, which is why I took a photo. Who read it? Maybe Oscar read it, but he can't read.

Okay. Marley is very excited about making cards. She loves it. She loves it. Maybe I have read it. And the morning of, you know, you always leave the card to like last minute. In the car. We had to get out the door and I was like, come on, Marley, write the card.

Here's what you have to say because she's like, what should I write? So I wrote it out for her to then copy in the card. So this is the card that we gave Oscar. A lot of backwards letters there. Yeah. She's good though. She's got such great. Is she or am I good?

Now I'm looking at it. You really fudged that up. You've written that out and pretended to be your daughter, haven't you? Guilty. It's good. We got a card from my nan and she's put a big Lipstick mark on it Ooh Like a big kiss

If I did that It'd be weird Oscar would be like Not this guy again Not this guy again But yeah Marley wouldn't Write the fucking card Be like

Dear Oscar Johnson Oh wait no Happy birthday A lot of backwards letters Can't wait to have you On the yacht We can't wait to have you On the yacht this summer

We're yearning to have you On there Very good Thank you for coming It was a long way wait to have you on the yacht this summer. We're yearning to have you on there. Very good. Thank you for coming. It was a long way for you to come in the rain, I thought. I felt bad. Marley wouldn't.

So annoying. I was like, write the card. And she's like, nah, I'm over it. I was like, shit. So I had a couple of beers and wrote the card myself. Yeah, nice. It shows. But I had a lot of fun.

Your friends, family, all very lovely. Yeah, they were stoked a celebrity was there. Me. I'm talking about me. Oscars. Met your sister for the first time. Yeah. Gorgeous family.

Yeah, yeah. Short. Very short. When's your next party? Five more years. Yeah. That was something I don't want to do every year. Poor Oscar.

He can plan his next one. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. But well done. You should be very proud of yourself. Thank you. I definitely put up a good fight, I would say. Oscar got a shitload of fucking presents.

So thank you everyone that did come. Thank you everyone that got him something. Thank you to everyone that sent messages. Yeah, I appreciate it. And so does Oscar, so does April. And Macy has no idea. So I appreciate it. Oh, actually, I got one more gripe with you.

You did promise something. I think that's all we have time for regarding birthday chat. Let's wrap this up. There was no eagle, sea eagle mascot. Yeah, okay. Look, I wasn't overly hopeful, but I was thinking maybe he'll just pull through. It reminds me of that time that you disappointed me when we got called up to do karaoke on a cruise ship

and I jumped up and did the karaoke and someone refused. That's how disappointed I was. Okay, but in this case, I didn't refuse to try and get the costume. I messaged Manly Sea Eagles many times on Instagram. You said to me, come to me, only come to me with solutions and you've brung me zero solutions. I apologise. There was no mascot.

There was no eagle. It was unfortunate. I think Oscar, if he had seen me in a costume, he wouldn't have enjoyed it. He would have scared the shit out of him. Yeah. He would not have been. Yeah, so really I did you a favour.

I'll let it slide because it would have petrified him. He's very easily startled. Even me saying high five, he was like, holy shit. Get away from me. Don't hit me. Anyway, on that note, Matt, let's do our favourite segment, which is Petty Couples. Petty couples walking down the street.

Petty couples, the kind I like to meet. Petty couples, I love you but I'm immature. No one can push me quite like you. This is a strange one because this one's actually from a man and usually we get it from the wife doing something petty because the man's useless. Let's be honest. I'm ready for this one.

What do you got? This one's from Michael. It says, my wife refuses to put the empty toilet rolls in the bin and instead leaves them on the bathroom floor. She knows it annoys me and suggests I put them in the bin myself if it bothers me so much. Oh. My blood is boiling at this.

Instead, I save them up and every once in a while I'll hide them all under a pillow for her to find just before she's gotten back. That is fucking great. Laura is the biggest culprit of that. Is she? Yeah. She never- Big shitter, yeah?

Just never- She'll put the toilet roll on top of the empty one, the one that's finished. So not even like put it back onto the hook, she just places it on top of, rests it on there. So if you want to get toilet paper out, you've got to do it like manually. Fucking nightmare. I'm Laura at home.

Does not surprise me. But I have a separate bathroom because I stink. Which one do you use? I use the one in the bedroom. April's got the main one. I thought, because if you do that one, then you're stinking up the bedroom, no? No, no. The one I use is the older facilities. She likes the newer bathroom and that's fine with me. I just stank up the old one. But I leave them on the floor.

Yeah. Look, that's a good rebuttal. That's a great rebuttal. That's good gear. Off you go. What do you got? Okay, this one is from Hanny. Oh, interesting name.

Hey, Hanny. She says, we live on a remote cattle station in the NT. I didn't know they had internet in the NT. I didn't know they had phones or anything. Joking. Joking, Hanny. Hey, honey. She says, we live on a remote cattle station in the NT. I didn't know they had internet in the NT. I didn't know they had phones or anything. Joking. Joking, honey. I'm joking. The nearest shop is two hours away.

What? Fuck. She says, I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm a stay-at-home mom. You have to be a stay-at-home mom. There's nowhere to go. Sorry, honey. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

She says she often does her partner's washing, given the rule, empty your pockets first, as she's sick of picking out the pocket remains, usually it's paper receipts, et cetera. I appreciate it's very frustrating. No one wants that. To my disgust, my partner has recently picked up smoking. It pisses me off.

So I put the packet of cigarettes in his work pockets and wash them on purpose, knowing he can't go to the shop for a few days, sometimes weeks. Let's just remind the listeners, the shops are two hours away. I'll then be like, oh, you didn't empty your pockets, so they've gone through the wash. Will I teach him to empty his pockets or quit smoking? Maybe both.

Who knows? This petty partner will soon find out. Oh, I can't wait for the update. Honey, well done. Yeah, but you could have ruined your washing machine with all that nicotine. Yeah, the washing machine. I tell you who's got a smoking addiction now, the washing machine. We have a third voice joining

us for the end of this podcast. This is a segment that we've tweaked a little bit. We always have the listener questions. We have tweaked it. What are we calling it? Ask Ellie. Uh-huh. Oh, clever.

Ask Ellie, yes. That is the third voice you are now hearing. It is my mum, Ellie Johnson, who lives with us. And in order to pay her keep, she is now appearing on the pod every now and then. Put her to work. Once in a while. And we will call that even. You don't have to pay rent anymore, Ellie. Just be on the pod. Okay. So it's nice to get a grandmother's perspective on

parenting questions. Are you expecting words of wisdom? No. From you? Sure. But Ellie, we have two listener questions that have been submitted for yourself. Don't get them wrong. I will ask the first one. Ash will ask the second one. Then you may leave. Quietly.

Can I undo the ropes? No, don't touch the handcuffs. Ellie, the first question is, and for those of you who are not familiar, my mum is 83. I love how we keep adding this. Also, before we do continue, if you do want to ask Ellie a question, just send us a DM or an email. At hello at twododingdads.com.

Ellie, the first question is, when you look at modern technology, things like electricity. It's a miracle. Or the motor vehicle, perhaps. Sorry. It's a miracle Or the motor vehicle perhaps Sorry Everything is called a microwave It heats up things instantly But when you look at I am sorry I'm sorry

I didn't mean to take Show me some respect to your mother Well no the microwaves were new And I was Had little ones It was new Jesus you are old What about electricity?

No, we did have that. When you look at modern products, baby-related products, is there any in particular that you think, gosh, I wish I had that when I was a young parent? The one thing that I think would have been wonderful was not technology. I suppose it is technology. It's the phone, but delivery of groceries to the door. Oh, yes.

How good. Now, that does take me back, boys, to a story. Yeah. When we used to grow our own produce. Yeah. Well, I was pregnant with you, Matt. Yeah. Kate was about nine months, Adam was about two and a half.

Went to the grocery store. Had a trolley. Kate was sitting in the top of the trolley. I was looking at the shelves and then there was this almighty crash because Adam somehow had got to the side of the trolley and pulled the whole thing down. Oh, and Kate was in the trolley? Kate was in the trolley.

Oh, shit. She seemed to be okay. Obviously she was crying. Adam was crying. There was a whole load of eggs smashed all over the floor. There was a packet of flour on the floor. Of course there was. And I remember just surveying the damage, I picked up the two kids,

walked out the store, got back in the car and just went home and I didn't buy anything that day. So you've got eggs, you've got flour. You throw some breadcrumbs in there and you've got a couple of cheese pizza. Well, that's true. So I do remember that and it was tough. So delivery groceries. But delivery groceries would be an Uber Eats food.

Yeah. You know, how good would that be? Pre-prepared meals that delivered to your door. Yes. It is bloody good sometimes when I'm coming home from a daycare run and I realise that we've got like no fruit, no milk, no cereal. Yeah, you can just order it like that. Ellie, I've got a really hard-hitting question for you.

What do you think is the hardest part of being a grandparent? There are many good points about being a grandparent. Such as? Joyful. Oh, just, I mean, it's twofold, watching the gorgeous little kids growing up and developing, but also seeing you as parents and taking great pride in the fact that you are just wonderful parents.

But. Why are you laughing? What are you laughing? She said, but. Yeah, yeah, that was, yeah, but. Not to do with you as a parent, but to do with, it's kind of inescapable, but it's the fear. So you have fear because there's five more people to worry about

in a world that's scary. And probably the world isn't any more scary than it was when you were little, but you just love them so much and you don't want harm to come to them. And so you've got to try and not get too worked up about what might happen. Just enjoy the day. But when I look after the kids, there's always that element of, please, not on my watch. I don't want anything to go wrong.

So you've got to overcome that and just enjoy and do some adventurous things. You have to, but it's the fear. The other day when we were walking back to my sister's house and there was, I want to say like 300 or 400 metres to get from where we were to my sister's house. You could go left or you could go right. And the adults went left and all the kids went right.

When I say the kids, they were the five, six, seven-year-olds. No roads to cross. No roads to cross. No roads to cross. But the look on your face when my sister was like, that's all right, we'll just meet them at home. And I saw you were like. And I was actually going to go with them. And then Kate said, no, no, no, they're fine.

Are you sure? So the path just splits to go around one. It was like a big square. So we went one way, they went the other. And they were fine. Still haven't found George. That's a good answer. I mean, I suppose like parents always talk about like when they grow older,

you know, you never stop worrying as a parent. You never stop worrying. And now as a grandparent, it's like you've got a whole new set of things to worry about on top of. Yeah. But you mustn't let that detract from the joy. You can't live your life in fear, can you? You can't live your life in fear.

No. I did try putting them all in wardrobes and locking them away. Oh, my God. That explains it. Well, thank you, Ellie. And, again, if you've got a question for Ellie, you can send that to 2Don'tDadsDMs or hello at 2Don'tDads.com. Okay, thanks, guys.

And on that note, we will get out of here. If you've enjoyed this episode, please don't be shy. Share it with anyone. Mum's going for... She's having a sweet. She's absolutely demolishing that Stonewood. This is actually good beer. On Stonewood, if you want to win a case of Stonewood this week. She's absolutely demolishing that Stone and Wood. This is actually good beer. On Stone and Wood, if you want to win a case

of Stone and Wood this week. Don't forget, Ellie, you should know this. I should know this? You are on social media. You can do a story of you listening to yourself with Ask Ellie and she's already confused. I know. All you have to do is tag two don'ty dads,

tag Stone and Wood, follow both accounts. We will pick someone each week to send a case of beer directly to your door. Please, don't be shy. Send this episode to anyone who you think will enjoy having a laugh and some words of wisdom from Ellie Johnson. Leave a review and give us five stars. She's a natural.

If not for me, Nash, do it for Ellie. And that's all we have time for. We'll see you guys next week. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye. to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.