Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #77 Plane Attacks And Panic Attacks At School!

Episode Date: July 2, 2024

What a bloody week - Matt had a nightmare of a flight with both girls when a passenger (who was off his head) threatened to break his nose. Next thing the cops were on the flight and the other passenger was escorted off the plane. WE KID YOU NOT! While Matt is making enemies, Ash is making friends at the local library during Rhyme Time! Meanwhile, the Wicks household is getting emotional and nostalgic about preparing little Oscar for kindy (primary school) next year. I just happens to be the same school Ash went to as a youngster. Please send your thoughts and prayers to the teachers ! Plus, we tackle your questions! Have you ever lost a child? What do you do if you don't like how your partner is parenting their kid? Make sure you share your best Petty Couples stories with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Come to the movies with us: https://bit.ly/3ziTTBa Buy our book: https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Beefcake. Look at thick. That's thick, boy. Look at that thick boy. Come here, thick boy. You look very cozy. Very cozy today. I might have to take my pants off.

Take your shoes off, mate. Relax. Nah. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I happen to be Matty J. And I happen to be Ash. And this happens to be a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable.

And we never, ever, ever give advice. Never. We are not that type of podcast. I refuse. We never will be. We will never change. We'll be a place where we celebrate our failures as parents. Which is a lot of them. And if you're a failure, sit down and get comfortable. You're one of us. Yes. And before we get started, Matt, we are drinking. Believe it or not, we are drinking a stone and wood. Yeah, we thought we'd mix things up. Pacific ale. This is Ellie Johnson's, a.k.a. The Nana, her favorite drink.

She drinks it warm. Yeah. I was like, this one's in the fridge. And she's like, nope, this is fine. Something happens when you get older and your taste buds go a little bit skewy, but she still loves the taste of stone and wood, cold or warm. She's just like, I want a warm one. Does anyone out there in winter enjoy a warm stone and wood?

There would be people. Do you reckon? Yeah. I'd love to hear from you if you are. If you're that person, get in touch. And if you're single and you're male, great. We are drinking the Pacific Ale, Matt, and it gets its name from the Pacific Ocean or Byron Bay,

which is on the Pacific Ocean, and they call it Byron Bay in a bottle with its passion fruit and also other tropical fruit tones. It is definitely my favorite beer. I had a few people around for Marley's birthday Ash, just a couple of individuals It wasn't anything too big I love how you call them individuals It was mostly mums that came with the kids

And I'm talking like three Just in case you're wondering why you didn't get an invitation But Stone & Wood Pacific Ale Made a strong appearance I didn't have any wine in the fridge and I was like, can I interest you all in a Pacific Ale? I'll put it in a wine glass. It went down very well.

Beautiful. Cheers to Stone & Wood for making this possible as always. We love you. How are you, my friend? I'm doing okay. Yeah, last time I saw you, I would say scurrying off very quickly to get to the airport. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes.

Tell us, what was the occasion, Matt? I have been wanting to tell you the story. Hold that thought. I'm too hot. That's one layer of clothing gone. And it begins. How's that feel? Give that noggin a scratch.

I have nits. Sorry about that. Okay. I've been wanting to tell you this story since it happened. Yeah, you haven't answered my calls. We avoid telling each other any stories until we're on the podcast. But I had to go to Melbourne last week. I had a job down there.

It was on a Thursday and, you know, I have the kids on Thursdays. So it's hard to manage because Laura's also flat out. But I thought, do you know what I'll do? I'll bring the kids with me. Big mistake. Down to Melbourne. It'll be fun. It'll be an adventure.

We'll all have a great time and then we'll fly back the next day. So that's what we did. End of story. It's always one of those cases where you're like, this will be fun. Plane trips, they're an adventure. The kids will love it. But it's a lot of moving around. Two flights within 24 hours with kids.

It's no good. No good. It's no good. So, Ash, I'm just going to go out. I'm going to tell you what happened. Set the scene. I almost got bashed on a plane. What?

You. How? You're too polite. You're too nice. Especially to the public. Especially to the public. It's me, a little bit mean. But to the public, you are extra nice.

How did this happen, Matt? Unless another man's wife fell in love with you. You're a devilishly good looks. Charming man. So the job was finished. I bet it was. I always say I bet it was in there. That's my new thing.

Trademark. I bet it was. And it was time to return back to Sydney. To get to the airport, flight was a little bit delayed and we're waiting to board the plane. Lola ended up falling asleep on my lap. And, you know, it's a nightmare when the kid's always full of sleep when you have to then like get going.

Yeah, so as she fell asleep, 20 minutes later, they're like boarding for Jetstar, blah, blah, blah, blah. So then as we're getting, you have to walk across the tarmac. She wakes up crying. She's having a terrible time. She's like, I was fucking sleeping. Why are we on a tarmac and why is there a jet engine in my face? Yeah.

So we get the kids down in their seats. I'm in the aisle. Lola's next to me screaming because she's just been woken up. Marley's in the window seat watching her iPad, preoccupied. Marley's been great. The person in front of me was very agitated. Very agitated. Man, woman?

It was a man. It was a man in a red jacket. Detriment for the story, yes. Anyway, so everyone's boarded. Plane doors are shut. And I'm still trying to settle Lola. Very aware that I'm trying to make. It's like trying to defuse a bomb.

Yes. Yes. I'm dealing with that. The guy in front of me turns around, peers over the seat, looks at me, and he goes, do you want me to break your fucking nose? No. No. No.

Are you serious? I am deadly serious right now. You're just out of nowhere. Yeah. Okay. And I'm like. What? I was like, is this a joke?

Is this? I was like, what? I'm trying to comprehend what's going on because it came left field. What sort of bloke was he? Like was a sort of well turns out he wasn't quite right i want to say he was like um mr freeze 2.0 so you reckon he was like an ice addict he was he was he wasn't i wasn't sure in that moment because i i said excuse me and he goes do you want to break your fucking nose and i was like and luckily marley

didn't hear because she was on her iPad. Lola was screaming the house down, so she didn't realize. And I was like, oh, like in that moment I just froze. What do you do? I was like, holy shit. But then the lucky thing was, so lucky that this happened, the air hostee happened to be right next to me walking down the aisle as he said that.

And she clocked it and she was like, she heard the second time. She goes, excuse me? And he goes, I'm trying to put my fucking seat back and he's not letting me do it. And I wasn't even touching the seat. I was like, because I was sitting facing, you know, Lola. I was like hunched over her. So it wasn't Lola crying.

It was the seat. Yeah. Probably a combination. That's what I thought. And she was like, excuse me? And he starts flipping out saying that I'm stopping him from putting his seat back. And I was like, that's not quite right.

And then she spoke to him for a little bit. He's clearly not right. He must be high as a kite. High or just like not all there? Because then she said, don't react to him. I'm going to sort this out. Because I was like, is this going to end up in a fight right now? Am I going to have to – if he starts coming at me again,

I'm like ready for fucking battle, dude. Yeah, especially in front of your kids. Yeah. Get him, daddy. And then as the air host here walks off, he's going, shut up. So I'm like, okay, this guy is. He's not all there.

He's not all there. And also a few of the people start clocking it now, but I'm not sure what normally happens in that scenario, but the air hostess like taps him on the shoulder and she just says, don't worry, we'll get him off the plane. And so I'm like, okay. But the issue was then we were waiting. Doors are shut in the plane.

Five minutes go by. Ten minutes go by. He's still really agitated. Is there someone sitting next to him? Yeah, there was. It was another Jetstar employee, luckily. So no one in the middle. There's a Jetstar employee who's, you know, not working,

but she was in the window seat. And she was a young girl as well. She was looking a bit worried, concerned. And I was thinking in my mind, this is going to kick off. Like this guy is going to get him off the plane. And the captain does an announcement and says, person in seat number 30D, no, he just goes, we have a small issue with someone's booking that we're just figuring it out now.

So just hold tight and we'll be up in the air in no time. And then cops come on. Whoa. Cops come on and they tap on the shoulder and they say, hey, there's just been a really small problem with your booking and we just also, something's wrong with your luggage. You? No, to the guy.

And then he goes, I don't have any luggage. You do now. And they say, can you get off the flight? Come with us. Don't worry, you're still going to fly today. They're very good at keeping it calm. You're going to be on the next flight. Drag that motherfucker off.

Yeah, I was like, get under my headlock. Punch him. He came right for me. Hold his arms back for me. And then I was thinking this is when it's going to. Yeah. You know those scenes, you see like a video on social media and it's someone like literally in a headlock getting dragged off the plane.

I was like, this is about to happen. This is going to happen. And luckily he was like, but I'm still going to fly today. And I go, yep, you're still flying. You'll be on the next flight out here in 15 minutes. And I was like, no, you're not. Gotcha. He gets off the plane.

Just voluntarily gets off. No struggle? No struggle. I wanted to see you on the news. I imagine if you were like, and it's going to be on the news tonight. And it's just like you getting carried off. But they get him off the news. I imagine if you were like, and it's going to be on the news tonight. And it's just like you getting carried off. But they get him

off the plane. And I still, I wasn't sure if he was going to look at me and be like, you're the reason why I'm getting kicked off. And I've got Marley and Lola next to me. But also mum came with us as well. Oh, that's right. But before the police came on, mum was like,

can you smell something? Because he's, I'm going to assume that this guy hasn't showered for a long time as well. So he has quite a pungent smell. So Nana is in the next seat across. She's like, Matt, can you smell something? This is whilst we're waiting for the police to come and take him. And I'm looking at Nana going, shut up.

Don't say anything. That generation has no chill. She's like, what? And that guy seems a bit strange, doesn't he? Because he's there flipping out, talking in tongues by himself. And I was like, for God's sake, Nana, you shut the hell up. You're like to the police, can you take her with you? I can imagine your mum being there going, oh, the police are here.

Oh, something stinks. your mum doing they're going oh the police are here oh something stinks anyway he gets off the plane and I was

the relief that I felt yeah I can imagine the sigh of relief I was I was in my mind I was like

I'm gonna get punched an elbow in the face right now and I'm gonna do it in front of my kids be great for publicity for the podcast you're like

I'm a doting dad that's two doting dads podcast look I'm all for a story as long as no one I'm a doting dad. That's two doting dads podcasting. Look, I'm all for a story. As long as no one, I'm happy for the story to be this level of extreme. I don't want to get hit, dude. Wow.

I don't want to fight anyone. But I do want to give a shout out to the Jetstar flight attendants. The women on that plane just. They just killed it. They killed it. They dealt with it. They, very professional. I wonder how often that happens. Well, she says quite a lot, apparently. They killed it. They dealt with it. They, very professional. I wonder how often that happens. Well, she says quite a lot, apparently.

Really? Yeah. She was like, you'd be surprised. She's like, the flight between Melbourne and Sydney? She's like, that's where it happens. Really? Yeah. She said two weeks ago, the plane was taking off

and a guy just got out of his seat and started flipping out up and down the aisle. Oh, my God. At what point mid-takeoff do you go, now is my time? Excuse me. Excuse me. He like does that weird shuffle out from the window seat. Just be one second.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Well, I'm glad you made it back in one piece. And I can't imagine the week you've had not been able to tell me that story. I know. I can imagine that you would have been like on that plane going, I can't wait to tell Ash this story. Yeah, I was in the air being like.

Can I buy Wi-Fi? I need to tell him. But it goes to show one thing. You shouldn't put your seat back on a domestic flight. No, you shouldn't anyway. I don't think. I love you took that so seriously i don't think i don't do it i don't go back unless there's no one behind me i'm fucking joking dude oh

fucking hell no i'm saying be courteous i thought you were serious i look i i'm serious One of us around here needs to be serious. It's a very good point, yes. Me, myself personally, I never do it on a flight. I know. I'm going to be on Q&A this week, and that's going to be one of the questions. They're like, do you ever recline your seat back up? I never do it.

I think it's inconvenient for the people behind me. But I also think if I do it, the people behind me can also do it so that it evens itself out all the way down to the back of the plane. Thank you for clarifying. That's okay. Thank you. I'm glad you made it back in one piece. A couple of things happened to me while you were away.

A couple of things. Two things. Oh, you make me laugh. Thank you. You make me laugh. Thank you. That's what I'm here for. And you wheel me back out. What have you got? Two things happened to me laugh. Thank you. You make me laugh. Thank you. That's what I'm here for. And you can wheel me back out.

What do you got? Two things happened to me while you were away. While you were making enemies, I was making friends. That is not like you at all. I know. You know how we spoke about Oscar making a friend, which is Siri, which that's still ongoing. But I also made a friend.

I'm intrigued. So every Thursday is same with me. I have Macy. It's Thursday. So we go swimming, try and tuck with me. I have Macy's Thursday. So we go swimming, try and tuck her out. Then we go to Rhyme Time. Okay, which. What is Rhyme Time again?

It's a place where you go to Rhyme. No, it's at the local library. You go there. Spit bars. I'm just a tired dad. I'm rad. No, no. I'm also bad.

That's terrible. Please stop. Please stop right now. The download numbers just went. So it's a place you go, library, where they do, they sing songs to the kids. They read books. Like a group.

It's free. Brilliant initiative, I think. Because it's half an hour for me to sit on my phone while they do that. And they're like singing. And the kids are all usually similar age, like two, three. This is just Macy. Just Macy.

So I take Macy every week and she's slowly like she's involved for half. There's the songs she likes, the songs she doesn't like, and she comes back and she sits with me or she grabs a book and sits with me. What are the songs that she doesn't like? She doesn't care for Days of the Week anymore. Is that Days of the Week? Days of the Week?

Oh, yeah. She doesn't care. There's Monday and there's Tuesday. There's Wednesday and there's Thursday. Sorry. This is my story. Marley loves that song. Macy's a bit off it.

She wants more of the songs that have the props, the ribbons, the shakers, that big parachute, and they all go underneath it, or like a song that goes, and they all fall down, and they all fall down. And then like books are boring, let's be honest. Like it's just someone reading. Macy's like, read it. So she gets her own book and comes over to me,

and usually that's snack time. So the other day I like oh okay having snacks and she pulled out a bag a little bag of the like little cookies that she had the chocolate chip cookies and i was like dad you have one of those too i opened it she grabbed one walked away to go and do rhyme time the cookies the opening of the cookies has attracted a small young boy they know that sound well come He's come out of nowhere. He's like, what do you got? He come over and I was like. That rustle, the aluminium kind of like plasticky rustle. They can hear that from miles away. It's to retain the freshness of the cookies.

That's what that is. Anyway, you shouldn't. I have learnt, not the hard way, but I've learnt that you don't just give another kid cookies in case you've got an allergy. Might have an allergy. So I sort of- That is very intelligent from you. Anyway, so he put his hand-

April taught you that. Oh, absolutely. So he put his hand on my knee. Because we're sitting on the ground like Buster would do when he wants something. He's like, hello. Just to let you know that he's there. I'm here. He's like tapping.

I'm right here. Thank you, sir. And I was like trying to ignore him. That awkward like don't – I don't know what the difference between just moving your head like this is. But when you're trying to not let them know that you're not – you're trying to ignore them, you move your whole body. Putting your back to them.

He's like – Like off-key. It's like, oh. Anyway, the mum comes over and she was like, so sorry. And she was like, he loves cookies. I was like, kids. It's like, anyway, the mom comes over and she was like, it's so sorry. And she was like, he loves cookies. I was like, obviously.

So I took that as if like. He'll get one. And I was like, oh, he can have one. She's like, no, no,

it's okay. He's got his own. And I was like, no worries. She took his kids. Were they homemade? Were they, no,

they bought cookies. Yeah. Homemade. Who do you think I am? Sorry. Betty Crocker. What flavor? Tiny Teddies?

What do we got? No, we got chocolate chip cookies. Great. A classic. Yeah, a classic. So he's gone off. Anyway, Macy's come back to get another cookie. And guess who reappears?

Oh, the kid's back. And I went, here you go. And gave him a cookie. You haven't killed a child, have you? He's like. Don't ruin my story. No, no. He's like. Don't ruin my story. No, no.

He's given a lot of approval, chuffed off. And I thought, oh, that's it. Anyway. One is never enough. Another song's gone by. He's obviously finished the cookie and he reappears. And this time he came back with much more confidence. He was like, fucking give us one.

He's like walking across these kids like knocking kids out of the way. I'm getting this cookie. So it's rummaging through your pockets. First of all, I was like, that's all right. Got another cookie. Took off. And I thought, that's got to be it. Surely that's got to be it.

And then he's come back again. And I'm like, where the fuck is this mum gone? She's obviously just watching this all unfold. Anyway, by the time we'd finished the thing of cookies, he's sitting next to me and we're like doing a rhyme time together. Anyway, 20 minutes he's sat there and we're doing all the rhyme times. Macy's coming back and forth as well. Is she into it or is she like, because sometimes they're like my daddy.

No, she was sweet. She was sweet. We were fine. And then like maybe she's come over for some water and he was like what i was like no that's not by the end of it and it was like and then the rhyme time wraps up the mom's come out of nowhere so she's obviously watched the whole thing unfold she's like she's like great this guy's got him. All good. She comes back home. She's like, thank you. See you.

Bye. Like, I worked there. Just taking off with my new friend. She just saved herself paying for lunch. Yeah. So anyway, I've got a new friend now. So hopefully he's at rhyme time. If he's listening.

There's no greater compliment, I think, than a child just instantly being drawn towards you. Yes. Yes, it's annoying. But, you know, you have a warm presence. I know. I don't make a lot of friends. I wonder why that is.

It's nice to see you smile as well. Anyway, that was one thing that happened over the time that you were away. So I've got a new friend now. I don't know his name. I know he likes cookies. Is he a regular visitor to Rhyme Time? I'll find out when I go back this week.

I didn't get to go. He's probably going to start spreading the word as well. He's like, you guys want some cookies? That guy in the mustache over there. I've got a dealer. Yeah. Hook him up. Doesn't ask questions.

He just gives. I want to call out for you. Both your kid and my kid are at the age that next year they're going to big school. Yes, yes. So we have enrolled. No more daycare fees. What's up?

Public school. Anyway, we enrolled Oscar into a local school near me and it turns out to be the school that I went to as a child. This is a question for April, but I'll ask you, when do you have to enroll them by? I haven't enrolled Marley. Now. You have to do it now?

You should have done it by now. Really? Yeah. But if you're in the catchment, aren't they forced to take you? No. No. Okay. No, because I would find that your catchment falls

into a couple of different schools. Shit. So the thing is that- Can you remind me after we finish recording? Yeah, yeah. Because if they're like, okay, we've got this amount of kids from the catchment, we'll start to take people out of area. Fuck.

Yeah, so just be careful. Hopefully I'm helping you here. So we had an open day. So it was an open day where you go with your kid. I'm not going to name the school because for privacy reasons, obviously. But it was a school I went to as a kid. Yeah. Okay.

And we drove in and immediately I was like, this is fucking weird. Yeah. So weird. Has it changed much? It's is fucking weird. Yeah. So weird. Has it changed much? It's exactly the same. Exactly. So much so, like went down the track to the school, to the school entrance, we're lining up to do your check-in because, I mean, it is a school, you've got to check in

and they do a quick police check to make sure. No. But like, you know, and all my friends that, I'm still friends with the guys I went to school with they're like close like we hang out every day which is wow wild yeah i it was weird it was kind of this weird nostalgic moment where you're like you know where like you're walking past things that you're like holy shit i remember when this happened here and do you do you know i find the weirdest thing about going back to primary school is that everything's so tiny.

Do you find that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you were there like where you would put your bags or the bubblers, everything is fucking miniature. It's so small, yeah. And you're like, you feel like a giant going back in there. Nothing, absolutely nothing has changed. Obviously, technology and updating of current thing,

but like you walk through the office and I was like, holy shit. I was like, that's sick bay, still sick bay. That's the principal's office, still the principal's office. Any teachers still there? He's back. We're on this tour and I'm walking, we walk out of the office to this thing that overlooks the whole playground identical nothing has fucking changed whatsoever and i'm in the i'm spinning out i'm like oh it's the school that shaped me and it's like you start to remember

little bits and pieces of like. Yeah, memories flooding. Memories flooding. I was just like spinning out and I was like, holy shit, nothing has changed. And the vice principal was right behind me and she was like, did you used to go here? I said, I went to this school 22 years ago. Fuck off.

Shit, we're old. I know. Well, that's when I left. I was like I had been there for five years prior to when I'd left and she was like, oh, is it the same? I'm like it's – Grabbing her. I'm like damn it, woman.

Nothing is changed. The PTSD is killing me. Thankfully, I have nothing but very good memories from primary school. It wasn't a traumatic time for me. It was the only school that I went to for the whole time. Actually, no, it's the longest school that I spent time at. After that, the memory's hazy. But, yeah, she was like, oh, so it's all the same.

I'm like, everything is the same. Like the red brick, nothing has changed whatsoever. There's plaques and stuff on the ground with people's names on it from when i was at school and teachers so it's all the same she was like oh who do you remember any teachers i was like yeah yeah i had this one teacher and i told her the teacher's name she goes yep she's still here i was like fuck off surely that'll be dead by now a couple of them are dead one of them died in a boating accident. That was a rumor.

Let's not go into detail. But you start, it was funny, like, walking through, watching Oscar, you know, we went to a couple of the classrooms and I was like, I remember this. All the teachers are there holding hands with the kids and you're just there rocking in the corner of a classroom, inside a classroom of grade threes, like time goes so quickly enjoy every second there was a combination of that and april like crying because just like realizing that our kids

and it was just like we're this weird couple where i'm just like rocking in the corner and i was like, he's growing up so fast. Were the other parents, were they crying? No, they were completely normal. Anyway, we're doing the tour and it was like, I kept having these flashbacks of moments. And we went to the hall, they have a big hall, the hall's exactly the same.

And they were doing like a dance class, like the year. They have a big hall. The hall is exactly the same. And they were doing like a dance class. Like the year six was doing a dance class. And I just had this memory come flooding back. So when I was like, it must have been year four or year five or something like that. So how old would it be? Say 10. And me and all the friends that I still am friends with now,

this teacher started an all boys dance class. And she was like recruiting all these boys. All boys? That's a bit suspect. But like she was just like wanting to be, wanting to get more inclusive of just the girls doing the dance. She's now in prison. We'll get there.

Turns out she was grooming us all she groomed us all no it's actually quite a sad story this one oh god so sorry i apologize it was it was she was the one who died in the boating accident no it's a funny sad memory funny for me sad for her so she's gone she spent all this time recruiting all these boys to do it and we were like yeah let's do it okay yeah this would be sick be like hip-hop dancing. Oh, God, sad. Anyway, so she's recruited us all and then we did a couple of classes and all of the boys realized that this is not good.

This is not good. We don't like this. So we all quit at once. Anyway, the teacher cried. Oh, my God. I know, I know, I know. But straight away I went to the group chat today, like on the day I've been like, hey, I'm currently at school

having all these nostalgic memories and I remember that this came up. Kids are savage. That's a savage thing to do. But she's got to understand. She full cried, dude. We all got in trouble. Not in trouble, but we all got like a, hey, guys, look, you've really disappointed this teacher.

And we were like, fuck it. Boys want to fucking run around the oval and tackle each other. And tease each other. They don't want to learn how to do a six step. Yeah, exactly right. Pirouette turn. That's another thing that like you start remembering all the embarrassing things that you did. Oh, yeah.

And you're like, oh, God, why am I so sad? So in that young age, say year five, year six, you start to develop, you know, like, oh, she's hot, you know, little girl, like, you know, you start to attract it to the office. I used to have a ruler that had do you still with a girl called Mallory and I would show her the ruler and she would read it and be like, yeah. And then she'd like have it written on a rubber and it'd be like, do you still?

And you'd be like, yeah, because we still liked each other. Yeah, yeah. So you start to like girls and stuff like that. So there was a girl that I really liked at the time. My mates were like, yeah, D to do it, D to do it. Anyway, I went at one lunchtime. It was like getting to the point where like, yeah, D to do it, D to do it. And she was like, yeah, I'm keen.

Yeah, I'm keen. She was keen for the kiss. Yeah, which is great. You know, I'm developing as a young man. Yeah. And we're young boy, young man in primary school. That's a bit sus. How old are you here? 11 or man. Yeah. Well, young boy. Young man in primary school. That's a bit sus. How old are you here?

11 or 12. Okay. Say 12. For legal reasons, let's say 12. She was eight. No. In the same grade, in the same class. We liked each other.

Anyway, so I went in for the- It was consensual is what you're trying to say. It was consensual. It was like, yeah, her friends are G to that, my friends are G to that. It was going to happen. Everyone's gathered. Oh, you've got an audience. I've got an audience.

Shit. Everyone's gathered. So I've gone in for it, and one of my dickhead maids has pushed me. As I've done it, I full raspberry to her face, like on her cheek. Everyone's gone. From then on out, I was ridiculed for being the puffer fish. And everyone was like. Who was your mate?

His name was Michael Down. He's probably listening. I have seen my mate since I did this school tour and we talked about that story and it was like, oh, kids are savage, eh? There's a lot of other stuff that was going through this group chat now that we're like, remember this, remember that, remember that. Anyway, I would say that doing the school tour with Oscar has traumatized me, but also felt like I missed those days as a kid.

Like you miss those. No. No. Hear me out. Okay. I found myself very in a very, I don't know. We finished the day, went home home and I felt like fuck like where's time

one where is time gone where is time gone but I also felt like really thankful and really grateful for going to a school like that because like I said

I still hang out with all of those guys like daily like speaking to them this morning Michael still around who Michael Dawn

who's the guy Michael Down actually here's a story too. He moves away, but I moved back to Sydney. Shut up. I got into an elevator in the city and he was in there. And he was like, Ash? Random.

Anyway, but I am still friends with all those people. Hey, I'm trying to have a nice moment here. What the fuck was that? Sorry. Sorry. I just ran into him like 30 years later in an elevator. What are the chances? What?

I'm not the laughing stock of this podcast, okay? I am deeply hurt. No, just that was, sorry. That was a dreadful story. But, okay. Please. What? No.

The coincidence of running into someone 30 years later in an elevator after we'd both moved away. No, I get that. I get it. I get it. I get it. It was just like I get it. I get it. It was just like, it was just like no context. No context.

And it was like, Ash, I was like, no. You got the wrong guy. Actually, I got another funny story. No, no, no. Anyway, you better enroll your kids or your kid's going to be going to some school that fucking whoop whoop and you're going to have to drive them out. Hey, hey, hey, relax, hey, hey, hey. Relax. Don't fucking turn on me.

I'm turning. I've turned on you. I can't finish the story. I'm losing concentration. I agree. I agree. You're very lucky. Oh, my God.

I'm going home. I'm done with this. You finish this podcast on your own, all right? You're bullying me now. Anyway, that was open day. I'm now starting to be a teacher. I have to go back. Goodness me.

I'm glad that I could bring you so much joy. No, you're good. You made me laugh. That's why I like you. That's why you're here. That's why we're together. Is that the only reason I'm here? I've got a quick story.

We don't have time. We would have, but I took up all the time. I've actually got one more. No, fuck. When was the last time you went to the movies with the kids? I've never taken them. You never have? No.

Sorry, I forgot you're an absent father. Apologies. Oh, wow. You could talk. Sorry. At least I don't put my kids in the face of danger on airplanes. Take her. She was like, do you want me to break my nose?

Do you want me to break your nose? Like, you could break either of these girls' noses. Marley, get him. It's a rumour, Adam. Let me use you as a human shield! No, I've never taken them. April has taken, I think, Oscar early days. It was like a mother...

Kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like in the mother's group sort of thing. Yeah, they have... At cinemas, they would have set times where everyone brings their kids and the kids can fucking run around. And you lock your baby in a room and watch the movie and enjoy yourself.

It's a soundproof room. It's great. It's a cage. It's beautiful. But that's my – I've been to the movie once or twice. Both times have been the designated parent, child, toddler times. And it's during the week as well, like on a Wednesday. Yeah, don't they not run it on a weekend?

Why would you? Well, that's what – like I'm a fucking idiot. I'm an idiot. You went on the weekend in a Wednesday. Yeah, don't run it on a weekend. Why would you? Well, that's what, like, I'm a fucking idiot. I'm an idiot. You went on the weekend in a non- Yeah. Okay. All right, I'm with you. Yeah, because Laura's got, for those who-

Is this going to be a good story or is it going to be a shit story? I don't tell the stories for you. I tell them for the listeners. I tell mine for you. Need to rethink that, pal. I really need to think about my whole back catalog now. So Laura's gone. She left.

She left you again. She left me again. She's over in India having a great time. Nana's gone as well. She's in Bali. So I've got both girls. Nana's on another Contiki tour. Another Contiki tour.

Spending all of my inheritance as well. And I had the girls pissing down with rain on Sunday and I was like, fuck, what do I, like I just need something to do to get them out of the house, suck them a few hours. And I thought Inside Out 2, great film, great film. The girls are loved. They really got into it. The first one was great.

Yeah, with you, great. So I thought Sunday afternoon, 2 o'clock sitting, perfect. As I got there, I was like, holy shit. There are a lot of people who also went to the movies and a lot of teenagers. I forget how horrid teenagers are when they're like amongst each other. In groups. Groups of teenagers.

Like that's, they're so rude. If you're in a group of teenagers and you think you're cool, you're fucking not. Loser. Wake up. Yeah. You look awkward too. Whatever you're wearing, it's awkward.

Thank you. I needed that. Get them, Ash. I was talking about you, not them. But no, I'm talking about them. So wanted to get there not too early because we all know the trailers and the adverts, kids don't care for that. They just want to get straight into the action.

So I thought I'll time it so we kind of get in there, the movie started. But I timed it a bit too late so it was really dark and I couldn't fucking figure out because I don't go to the movies hardly ever. I couldn't figure out. I was like seat D5. Yeah, because it meant there never used to be seat allocations. Yeah. But do you know why they do that now?

Why? I don't know. I was going to make something up. I was fucking ready for it. But I was trying to find my seat and I was also looking at all the seats were taken. So I was like, I must be in the wrong spot. So I go to the other side of the cinema.

Marley and Lola are like, fuck, Dad, like grab a seat. Go back to the other side and there's these girls, these teenagers. I'm like, no, you're in my seat. They're like, no, we're not. I said, you're like, here's my. Do you want me to break your nose? And the cycle continues.

So they get out watching the movie. Marley, like the last time she went to the movies was the kid thing. So she kind of looks at me and says, dad, can I run around and dance at the front? And I was like, no, you can't. Go for gold. Lola's like, Dad, I'm hungry. And I'm like, shh, guys, got to keep it down, got to keep it down.

The cinema was full of adults and nightmare teenagers. And I just had this wild anxiety of the fact that I'm ruining the movie experience for other people. That mum at the comedy show had a- You were like, Vajba, I'm going to come in and be like, get out. Well, I kind of thought that people might start saying like, get those kids out of here. So I was like-

It's a kid's movie, loser. But also Inside Out 2 is about the girl going through puberty. Marley and Lola were like, what the- What's puberty? I was like, don't worry. What's a period? And I was thinking- They're going to be like, what's menopause?

They should do Inside Out 3 about going through menopause. There he is. Ideas man, Ashwix. He's good. Let me just write that down. So I, also Lola was sitting in my lap and then these other teenagers came and said, oh, can we sit here? And I was like, well, no, that's my seat, but my daughter's in my lap.

Yeah, hold this. And I was like, I can't fucking take this anymore. Marley and Lola are also like, dad, that's joy and that's this. And I was like, I can't fucking take this anymore. Marley and Lola are also like, dad, that's joy. And that's this. Like they're just talking full volume. And I was like,

I need to get the fuck out of here. This is like the, I'm just, anxiety is pulsating through my body right now. So you got out of there. We lasted 45 minutes. And Marley and Lola were also like, we're bored.

I thought, that's pretty good. We're halfway there. Past the halfway mark. He wants the rest of his home when he comes out. Right? Yeah. So I got out of there.

And then as soon as we got out, Marley and Lola were like, we want to watch the movie again. And I was like, I can't do this. I was like, movies- Big mistake. Oh, dude. Big mistake. Terrible.

And it was like 20 bucks a ticket. It was an expensive mistake. It's expensive, yeah. It is an expensive thing to do when your kids aren't really going to enjoy it. Maybe it's just me, but I was like, it's really fucking loud. It's so loud. As well. What we should do, what they should do, not me,

because I don't own a movie theater yet. What they should do is they should put all the kids in a room and put a really scary movie on and see what happens. I was locked into your idea. Sorry, sorry. Sometimes I've got to have bad ones. If I had all good ones, then there'd be no standouts. If you don't love me at my worst, don't deserve me at my best.

Yeah, if I were all good, there'd be no standouts and then nothing would get done. But this is actually a very exciting announcement, Ash. Yes. That we are going to give parents. First of all, you're going to announce something after you just turned all these parents off going to the movies. Well, don't go to the movies with the regular folk.

Oh, yeah, the regular folk. With the normies. Us parents have to stick together. Yes, I agree. Stick together. I agree with you. Power in numbers. We're going to do a movie just for parents and their kids, toddlers,

whatever age they are, we'll take them all. Don't bring your adult children. Don't bring your packs of teenagers. If they're over the age of 10, we don't want them. Get the fuck out of our cinema. Nothing but trouble. We're going to do a movie. We are on, are we doing the date?

Yeah, it's going to be the 13th of July. Of July. Fuck that soon. It's very soon. Very soon. If you would like to come, we've got 40 spots available. So that's like 40 spots total. You can come along.

Children, if you have children, bring them along. How are we going to do, We're going to do a link. We're going to do a link in our bio. You'll see it on stories. Or for the show notes. So we'll just make it first and best dressed. So if you're in Sydney on the 13th of July and you want to see a movie with myself, Ash, and our kids

and let the kids run wild. Will April be there? I was going to ask you. Will April be there? Will Laura be there? Yeah, she will. Okay, April will be there too. Will Ellie be there? Yeah. Ellie will be there. I'm sure she'll be on another fucking overseas trip by then. She might be there yeah she will okay April will be there too will Ellie be there

yeah Ellie will be there I'm sure she'll be on another fucking overseas trip she might be there but we're also going to have other activities too before and after

correct we'll have to come along see what those are and it's thanks to Paramount Plus we don't know what movie it'll be

we're going to we'll do a post on 2DD on 2 Dating Dads where people can vote for what movie they want from Paramount+. Yeah, and it'll be a private cinema. Okay, it'll be a little private party with us. Lovely.

Love that. No teenagers. If you bring a pack of teenagers. We need to get security. We will get security. They'll get chicken winged out of there. I'd love to chicken wing a fucking pack of teenagers out the door. Should we do Petty Couples?

Sure, absolutely. Petty Couples, walking down the street. Petty Couples, the kind I like to meet. Petty Couples, I love you but I'm immature. No one can push me quite like you. Matt, I'm going to go first, if that's okay with you. Kate says, she says, she has said, she has written in and told us, one of my pet peeves is my husband leaves his clothes and shoes all over the house.

Guilty. Especially in doorways and high traffic areas. Using the word high traffic in a household. Top tier. My passive aggressive petty response. I take photos of his scattered belongings every time I come across them and send them to him throughout the day. That's pretty petty.

My camera roll looks like a bizarre fashion catalog. It's so fucking petty, but it's brilliant. I'm going to give Kate a little bit of advice on how to elevate this pettiness. Go on. She needs to create an Instagram page. Yeah. Okay. And with said Instagram page, use that to publicly humiliate her husband.

Or even better, send it to us. And we'll publicly hear it. Except, fuck it, Laura, come in the front door. I take six steps. That little nook behind you is where I normally dump my shoes. In a high traffic area, as Laura will. You have tiny feet. But Laura's like, they've got 12 pairs of shoes.

It's like three. I know, yeah. I've got my walking shoes, my casual shoes, my running shoes. Yeah. Anyway, if you're a culprit or if you're married to one who was a culprit of such activities, send us the photos. Yeah, we should start an Instagram page called Floor Drobes. TM, trademark.

I know this is not live and we can just take that out, but still, trademark, trademark. Anyway, Kate, thank me later. Brilliant, brilliant. This one is from Kareen. Kareen. Kareen? Kareenie.

This is from some random Kareen. Kareenie. How does it spell? Kareen. C-A-R-I-N-E. I don't need your life story. Let's go. I'm just trying to get you back.

No, you're not. I feel like we're even now we are well we're not but I'll say we are remind me next week I'm going to be like this

just in silence the whole remind me never to start a fight with you ever never start a fight with me or a drunk guy on the internet let's hope you don't start smoking crack again

you know Mr. Freeze, that was me. My husband and I are coffee addicts so every morning we make ourselves a cup of coffee. Beautiful.

However, hubby wakes up earlier than me to go to work and more often than not he leaves the coffee machine full of pods and he doesn't fill

the water compartment back up which annoys the shit out of me. So out of pettiness, this is very, very petty. It's like, Karina, I don't want to attack you here. No, attack away.

This is, this is, this is. Do we need to call the police? Out of pettiness, I started to fill up the coffee machine with water. I emptied the pods tray, make myself a cuppa. And after that, I put the pods back on the tray and empty the water compartment so he can have a taste of his own medicine. He has no idea that I do this. So the next morning, he's got no water.

She's going out of her way to make life more difficult for the husband. That's very good. Very good. I like it. Getting back just like the way, just like, this is the thing. He's probably going, getting up in the morning and going, did she not have coffee yesterday? She must have drunk 12 coffees yesterday.

What the fuck? No wonder she's still awake. Very good. Love it. Couple of questions, Ash. Before we do that, if you do have any other petty things that you do to your partner or your partner does to you or whatever it might be, you can DM us at 2DatingDads Instagram or you can email us at

hello, hello, at 2DatingDads.com. Do I know you? No,.com. People are like, what is the fucking email? We don't even know. I know. Just, yeah, we'll find out somewhere. You'll find us.

Someone did write on Instagram. I'm like, you guys need to grow up. You're adults. And I was like, you shut up. What do you mean grow up? Yeah. This is a parenting podcast, not of two children. Why don't I get it?

What do they mean by that? Because they thought the pettiness was such childlike behavior. Oh, God. Have a laugh. It was April. Yeah. No, it wasn't. We love you, April.

Take that out. Do we? Hello? Okay. That's the whole point. That's the whole point. That's the whole point. That's the whole.

That's the shtick. Ash, before we get into the questions, there is a listener that has written in post recommendation from us after a listener. We don't recommend anything. So that's their mistake. Oh, God, what's she going to say? Edwina, she's talking about the biting segment that we had.

Oh, yeah. She says, hey, guys, you kind of fucked me over. Oh, God. Oh, no. Fucked me over a little bit. I finally bit the bullet. Is this a review? Pardon the pun. And gave my two-year-old a chomp after he was biting me.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. It initially worked, but 20 minutes later, he's having a full-blown meltdown because he wants me to bite him again. He's shoving his arm in my mouth, screaming, bite. New kink unlocked. Just like that.

Well, you've set him up for failure now. Oh, God. Moving on. Sorry, Dwayna. Can we block her from the podcast? Is she going to come for us? Nah. The kid might.

We are partying. All right. Back to questions that hopefully don't bite us in the butt. This is from Jenny. Matt, have you ever lost a child before? Many times. My first three children I've lost, I've never found them. We've lost all kids.

Marley is probably the one we've lost the most. Your kids aren't runners though, are they? Marley's a runner. Is she? Yeah, she's a runner. Get her a lead. Yeah, we thought about it. We thought about it.

We've lost her a few times. Once, it's quite scary at the beach. You know when you're just digging a hole? And you live at Bondi. So you're like, oh, we're going to be on TV. Literally. I was digging a hole and it was just one of those cases where I had Lola. I thought Laura had Marley. She thought I had Marley.

And then there was a couple of minutes where we couldn't find her and we're like, fuck. Luckily, shout out to the lifeguards, they had her. And the film crew. She was up on the lifeguards. They had a- And the film crew. She was up on the promenade. She was like, I was going for an ice cream. Oh, my God. Yeah.

But when we've been shopping as well, there's been times where once at Rebel Sport, I was like, where the hell is my daughter? She locked herself in the change room. You've spoken about losing Macy inside the house, which is a great effort. Yeah, I lost Macy in the house. Lost the kids in public?

Not to judge you, but I would say you're someone who I would expect to lose the kids. Back at an insult. Piece of shit. Never lost a child, so take a good hard look at yourself there, champ. Nothing springs to mind that I like maybe there's been like

the where you go I reckon do you know where Macy is and April's like no and you're like oh shoot but then she's like right there I reckon there's so many times

you've lost the kids for like a day or two and you're like oh nothing springs I refuse to admit to anything nothing springs to mind you're like

it's funny that because I've got evidence. This is a long question, Ash. This is a long one. Are you ready for it? Okay. Is it going to be as long as my long winter story? Nothing's as long as that. It's from anonymous.

If you can't laugh at yourself. I've been with my partner for almost a year and I've noticed some differences in our parenting styles. He has a four-year-old daughter and while he's raised her well, I've observed some things that bother me. I'm hesitant to bring them up because I'm not her mother, but I'm concerned about the inconsistency in discipline and his approach to her diet and exercise. It's making me reluctant to be around them as much on the days he has her. I'm worried about how this might affect us if we have our own children in the future.

I'm just going to say straight off the bat, I don't know anyone who's got a diet slash exercise plan for their kid who's four. For a four-year-old, that's a bit excessive. I mean, obviously. Let's just think of that as like maybe she's just worried that she a bit excessive i mean obviously let's just think let's think of that as like maybe she's just worried that she's not getting out enough and burning energy and she might be living on the ipad living on the ipad let's just go with like not like a monday's chest

day brah yeah do you get your steps in you're like where's your gains uh and then probably the food. What are you pinching? You're nothing. You're pathetic. And that's all we have time for. No, I would say like, okay, there's a couple of things here. Let's go with maybe the diet's maybe not that great. But how long have they been together? A year. A year.

So let's say it's getting serious. It could be getting serious. She lives there. Is she a primary carer alongside? Does she have kids of her own? What makes her think that it's incorrect? How does she know what he's doing incorrect? She's probably saying it's hard

when you want to have consistency with discipline. Like the rules need to be the same. Doesn't matter what day of the week it is. But if he's only got her for two days, a fortnight or a week or whatever, I don't know what the situation is. You kind of want to just kill them with everything they love. But that's the fucking wrong thing to do. Absolutely could be the wrong thing to do.

I don't think it's her place to butt in. If it was like, hey, I'm considered to be a primary carer alongside you, we need to be on the same page. Yeah, I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. Because she could approach it from the perspective that she goes, hey, I just want to make sure that we're on the same page with the rules of the house while she's here because I don't want to say that she can't do something when she actually can. Yeah. So she can kind of put it on herself.

Instead of saying you're disciplining your kid in the wrong way because it's inconsistent. What's right and what's wrong. Like, hey, whether it's like she can't have an iPad after a certain time, she could say, just want to make sure, like what are the rules that we're going to try and stick by together as a team for when the daughter's here? Yeah, that's fair enough.

That's fair. I don't think you need to be like, hey, you're doing it wrong. Because one, who are you to tell someone, a parent, that they're parenting wrong, especially if you're not a parent yourself. How the fuck would you know? But I think it's fair enough to say, hey, when you're looking after her and I'm here full time with you and I'm technically a carer as well, we need to tackle it together.

We need to be on the same page. Yes, there can be some leniency with things because you only have it for X amount of time. But then also if we're going to be together long term and us have kids together, we need to be on the same page with that stuff as well. There is nothing more important than a united front. There's a difference between saying something

and having a conversation about something. That's my answer. Whenever Marley asks for something, I'm always like, Yes. No, I just go, ask your mother. Yeah, ask your mom. But like it is, look, I'm not going to take. I actually.

I can't take a side because I don't know the full story. But what I would say is don't talk to it. No, don't talk to me about it. Have a conversation about it. Am I a genius? Yes. What's the difference between talking to them and having a conversation? Well, you can talk to someone or you can be like, hey,

can we just talk about and have a conversation about, you know, maybe if we're going to be having kids in the future, we're going to be long time. Don't just be like, I think your parenting is wrong. That's the difference. We don't let the kids have soft drink it's too spicy too spicy

but Marley was like can I have some we got a family pack from the seafood shop which came with a 1.25 bottle of Coke you're like drink the whole thing

I was like I'll give you some when mum's not looking and then she was like ah it's burning my tongue she was like where's the bourbon

I was like don't tell your mother and then Laura came in and she was like the drink hurt me tongue she was like where's the bourbon and I was like I was like don't tell your mother and then Laura came in and she was like the drink hurt me and I was like fuck my kids don't drink

much more than water honestly like just on that they've tried a bit of like coke I'll say coca cola because coke could be confusing

she Oscar's just like it's no good that's cut with something is that creatine yeah so and they've been like, it's no good. That's cut with something. Is that creatine? Yeah, so they'll be like, oh, that's spicy, which is great. And then also like with juice and stuff, I'll be like,

you can have a juice if you finish all your dinner. I won't be like, yeah, dilute the fuck out. Dilute that shit. They're like, this apple juice tastes like shit. I'm like, they all taste like that. Sorry, pal. Ash, we're going to get out of here. I need to enroll my child into primary school. If you enjoyed this episode, we would absolutely adore it

if you would give us a review. Also subscribe to us. Are you asking me? Have you reviewed us? I bet you haven't. I gave us no stars. Have you said anything? I feel threatened on this podcast.

It's off-putting. You need to grow up. But if you would give us a review, it would make our weeks slash years. And if you think anyone else out there may benefit from us in some way, then please send it to them. Also, if you'd like to get your hands on a free case of Stonewood beer, all you have to do is post a story of you listening to Two Doting Dads,

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See you later. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.