Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #78 Rain Man, Shitty Dinners and Solo Parenting!

Episode Date: July 9, 2024

Matt has survived a total of 10 days with Laura oversees for work (please give him a collective round of applause). It's not been without its challenges - atrocious weather, illnesses, attacks from wild animals.The fact that he's made it through this period with the family unscathed is testament to the fact that he's such a great dad ! (Yes, it's Matt writing this). Ash is at his wits ends due to the fact that his kids refuse to eat the absolute garbage he cooks them (look at our socials for visual evidence). Gordon Ramsey would have an aneurysm if he saw what gets served in the Wicks household. Oscar also won an award at footy so our sponsorship of their team is already paying off. Plus, we tackle your questions! Is it ok to duck out for a second with your kid asleep? Does your kids ask 'why' all the time and how do you stop it? Make sure you share your best Petty Couples stories with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Buy our book: https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You know how much I dislike dentists because I call them- Mouth doctors? No, they are mouth doctors. Sorry, that was very generous of me. Yeah. The dentist just said, we're like, oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. We are doctors as well.

Dental school, medical school, different thing. Anyway, I just want to say the dentist has won this round. Oscar this morning received a transformer tooth. So now he's part transformer sister metal fucking cap on his tooth also their baby teeth they fall out and cap that it's so yeah I'm just gonna concede defeat on this one because April well that the dentist sold him on it but April also on April I'll wait here he comes home I pull it out win. 500 big ones it cost me this morning.

But apparently he was a big brave boy. But also I'm very disappointed with the dentist. I'm disappointed in you. Why? If I had my say, the poor kid would still be in pain. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I am Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast that is all about parenting. It is the good.

It is the bad. And the relatable. And if you've come wanting any advice, we don't give it. We never will never have never want to we never want to we do not wish to be cancelled for giving any unsolicited advice and if you do have a sore tooth we do recommend you see your local mouth salesman or mouth mechanic sorry to interrupt you there just had to interrupt you there. Just had to correct you. Again, before we get into it, we are, Matt, we are, as always, drinking a Stone & Wood.

And I have some fantastic news for you, Matt. Oh, what's that? I've converted April. I would have said, when I first met April, I would have said she's a big beer drinker. What is that supposed to mean? I was like, that woman looks like she would chug them down. She looks like Barney off The Simpsons.

So she has tried Stonewood a couple of times and now it is the only beer that she will drink. Yes, but it has to be on Sunday afternoon and sunny specific times. So what happens if it's raining? She's like, I won't. She's on to the Merlot. She must love the fact, Ash, that the Pacific Ale is made with all Australian barley, wheat and galaxy hops from Tasmania.

Love those galaxy hops. On those Sundays when the sun is out and you are having a little tipple of Pacific Ale, what are you eating, Ash? Oh, a bit of crackers, a bit of brie. May I recommend some seafood, some oysters maybe? Oh, oysters? Don't have oyster money. Caviar and lobster.

Okay. We're more a fish and chip family, bro. To fish and chips. Cheers to that. Fish and chips, Stonewood Pacific ale. And Pacific ale. Thank you, Stonewood, as always, for providing the good stuff. Now, also before we do get into this, hang on.

Get it in you. Come on. Swallow it. That's delicious. Matt, I have an update on our investment. The football team. You see my hands going like this. What's the ROI?

The ROI, the return on investment is good it's great i've sent you some footage of them there i did the other day drills are going well a couple of them have played some games young hugo as i've mentioned before he's the prodigy he's the prodigy there's a couple of other kids on the team as well that are getting yeah there's a new kid who's quite a big statured boy named Zach. Boy. He's a forward. He's a what boy? Anyway. He's thick.

He's a thick what boy? Zach, he's got a boot on him. Woo. He can kick. Also, young Maddie. Not Matty. Maddie. Madison, I believe it is.

So it's a mixed team. It's a mixed team. Yeah, there's some girls in there. There's Andy who's a girl. Maddie, Indiana. Macy's always running around. I's a mixed team. Yeah, there's some girls in there. There's Andy who's a girl, Maddie, Indiana. Macy's always running around. I've always wondered, Ash, are they playing tackle? No.

No, no, no, no. They're just playing. So Friday nights is they do all the drills and then they opt in. Oh, they don't even play fucking game. No, they do. They do. Sorry, I apologize. Don't you dare.

We've invested these young kids into these young children's minds. I'm locked in. I'm all in. I just want to see some blood. I'm locked in. I'm all in. I just want to see some blood. They can opt in for a Saturday game. Okay. So there's like one or two teams that play Saturday.

And if we want to opt some players into play, they can play. The ones that are way more confident and very good and want to really compete, then they can opt in. But like Oscar, no, not interested. He just likes to well actually he likes to watch but we'll get to that in a sec but i will say young maddie big boot on her she yeah holy shit we do this thing where we put it onto a tee and they kick it all right i feel like i'm in the slits anyway it's going really well and we're saying to you that oscar was really really anxious for a while there and he wouldn't get involved that was a couple weeks ago do you Anyway It's going really well And we're saying to you That Oscar was really Really anxious

For a while there And he wouldn't get involved That was a couple of weeks Do you think that was Off the back of The fact that It was wet weather He slipped over

Okay He needs to understand How does he go about Getting muddy He's alright now But then he was like Fuck this Anyway

He was just Didn't understand that sometimes you fall over during football. It's a critical part of playing the game. But you don't want to take the approach of being like, get out there, son. I was more like, let's ease him back into it. And April was very good at helping do that.

Because I was running around. Macy loves it. Macy's in there. Shirt looks like a dress. It's so long. She's running around. She loves it. Macy's in there. Shirt looks like a dress. It's so long. She's running around. She loves it. And, like, look, all the brothers and sisters and stuff get involved as well.

So it's a good little crew we've got going on up there. But a couple of weeks have been since Oscar's little tumble, and we've slowly moved him back into it to the point where this week he actually won an award. I'm going to show you. What did he win? He won Most Improved. Look at him. But he opted to wear the New South Wales Blues jersey instead of his

actual rugby jersey for training that day. He looks very pleased with himself. Free meat pie. Yeah, baby. Is that what he won from the cafeteria? No, there's a Lambie Pies. So shout out to a Lambie Pies also. from the cafeteria? No, there's a Lambie Pies. So shout out to a Lambie Pies also. Okay. So the investment's going great.

Okay. Are we on the award? No, that's a separate initiative. Can we sponsor an award? We sponsor everything else. If you win, you get a six-pack of Stonewood. Okay, Matt's throwing out there. Any parents that are listening?

I will say, not to talk down the achievement of Oscar, I remember getting most improved and it was one of the awards that I didn't want to win. I don't know if you view it the same way, Ash, but I always saw most improved as you were a bit shit, now you're not as shit. I think you're kind of right. But also, any step forward is a positive step forward, man, I think.

I think that's the way you should be looking at it. Is that what you say as like coach talk? No. Listen, kids. I'm way more abusive than that. I'm not even the coach. I'm just on the sidelines going, hit him. When does the season end?

End of winter. I was going to say I'd come down and be water boy, but it's a long way to drive from Bondi, from the shores of Bondi Beach. You just don't sound like you're as committed to this investment as I am. But I'll be there to fly the flag of the two-doting dad flag. Also, I just want to say by the time this episode comes out, you would have aged. So happy birthday.

Thank you. I haven't got you anything yet. Remember you forgot mine last year. I did. I now am off the hook for forgetting. You're very good with birthdays. I am good. There's not a lot you're good at.

Fuck you. Birthday dates and memorizing them is right at the top of your list of achievements. Like I don't know Lola's birthday. I do. It's sometime this year. It was actually earlier this year. But also Marley's is the 19th of June.

I know that much. Far out. Yeah. Well over. That is, you're like the rain man. I'm like rain man of kids' birthdays. Okay. What day, if she was born 19th of June 2019, what day was that, Ash? 19th of June.

Yeah, what day would that be? That would be Wednesday. Thank you. I just guessed. I got no idea. I don't know. That was a blatant guess. Is my birthday coming?

But as you mentioned, Ash, by the time this comes out, I would have been. Any special plans? Oh, not really. I'm most excited about the fact that. Blowjob? Blowjob? A hook, if you will.

I'm not really. They're not huge on my, not big on my list. Sex sucks. I'm just going to say. Well, I like sex. Not so much. Some people, like a birthday blowjob for some men is great. For me, I'm like.

Leave me alone. I would rather the sex. Okay. Not the blowjob. Take it or leave it. I'd much rather a leg shaking hand job, just to be honest with you. Sorry, April. Okay. Okay. Sorry sorry enough about me um but i'm most excited about the fact that laura is coming home for the last 10 nights

it's been myself and the two girls marley and lola laura's been gone my mom who had moved in with us she went on another fucking trip. Oh, she's gallivanting. Came back from Europe, packed her bags. She's off again. Straight into schoolies. Mum's been sending me photos of her at like Potato Head. And she's like, I'm going down to Uluwatu tomorrow.

She's there having cocktails on the beach with these other lovely 70-year-olds. They're having a hell of a time. You're just like in the cold winter air with two children. Do you know what she did as well? I don't know if this is just my mum. When my mum went to Bali, she packed with her a big container, a plastic container full of cheese. Lasagna.

She packed up her cheese board. Oh, the board itself. No, no, no. Like, not the board itself. Just she got, like, eight different types of cheeses, put it in a container, and there's no restrictions on bringing dairy into barley. Isn't there?

She had, like, the blue vein, the cheddar, the gouda. Blue vein? I bet she did. I was like, what are you doing? And she had it packed up in the fridge with a note saying, do not touch barley cheese. She's like, wait till they get to the lasagna in the carrier. But Laura was in India.

She's now in Bali. Hands linked up with mum. They've had a few little evenings together. I've seen, yeah. Bit of wine time. The cheese was eaten. And look, I'm now i'm now coming to the end of my stint as a solo parent and it's been a roller coaster i bet i look honestly

i wouldn't wish it upon any parent any man woman or child the good thing is and this might sound really obvious yeah but when you're forced to parent alone it makes you very good at what you do there's no one else to lean on yeah like when it's like you have literally no one else it's like a sport i think what sport would you compare it to man like something obviously do you know like the dakar rally? You know like they- So people die along the way. Hey, there's been many times where it was touch and go for a while with me and Lola to the point of exhaustion. It's like an ultra marathon, I think. You know, you're on your own.

It's just you. You're tired. You're- Hungry. Hungry, very hungry. You've got no patience. Cranky, angry. You want to quit, but you know you can't. You've just got to keep going one foot in front of the other. Well, very hungry. You've got no patience. Cranky, angry. You want to quit, but you know you can't.

You've just got to keep going one foot in front of the other. Well, you could. As a wise man once said to me, Ash, a foot ahead of you is a good foot to take. Oh, that is well said. Is that what you said? Every step forward is a good step. What did you say?

I don't know. I made it up, so I can't remember. But I feel like my parenting ability now is like at its absolute peak. Like I'm so honed into the kids to the point where if I'm like in public and another child is crying, I'll be like, it's all right. I've got this. Your ears will perk up. I'm a single parent.

Get away from my kid, creep. I'm a single parent. I got this. I walk into daycare to pick up Marley and Lola and the other kids, they gravitate towards me. They know that I understand. The aura. I'm on their level.

I have to like peel them off me like leeches. Your aura level has gone way up. Thank you. People are noticing. Give us a few high, you got to be some high moments. It's funny how, it's funny how the pendulum can swing so quickly. I've always said that. The parenting pendulum where in one second you can be having

the most beautiful moment, heartfelt, raw emotion. It's lovely. And then the next second it can be fucking hell oh just like how quick that thing can swing pendulum it's the right concept but doesn't move fast enough to explain exactly what you mean because you could be like this is so much fun and before it could actually get to that end it's just going 180 in the other direction some of the low points for me ash was the knits came back oh knits 2.0 uh stupidly for anyone wondering any parents out there who may experience their first knit situation you've got to do two treatments once and then do it again seven days

later just to get any all right yeah yeah. It does say that on the instructions, which I only read after the fact that the nits came back. So have you brought nits into my house today? I'm good. I'm clean. Okay. I'm clean. I'm not infested.

Hmm? I got a call from daycare and they said, you know, the dreaded call from daycare. And I was like, hello? And they're like, I'm so sorry. Lola has nits. And you've got to come pick them up. Again?

And I was like, fuck. So I had to go pick up the girls. And I call it the evening shift slash the afternoon shift. When you get home, go straight to dinner, bath, bed routine. It's hard. It's a hard slog. The closing shift or whatever they call hard. It's a hard slog. The closing shift or whatever they call it. It's a hard slog.

And then to make it even harder, throw in a knit treatment by yourself. Fuck. And the issue is, Ash, the issue is when you're doing it by yourself and you're trying to juggle two kids, you have to leave the treatment in there. It's like a eucalyptus tea tree oil. You can't just wash it. You've got to leave it in there. You've got to leave it in there. You've got to leave it in there for 10 minutes.

10 minutes? 10 minutes. 10 minutes for a toddler is fucking a lifetime. An eternity. And Lola. It's like when someone says, just plank for a minute. Oh, my God. Or you're watching the microwave countdown from one minute and you're like,

this is the slowest minute ever. Lola was good to start with. She hates anything, like can't touch her hair. If I do her hair in the morning, I've got to like get in, get out quick and she'll be screaming, kicking and screaming. So putting it in this liquid, you have to like saturate the hair. You want to like massage it in, get all the nits, drown them. Water doesn't drown them.

That's why I'm picking up what you're putting down. Apparently. I'm no nid expert. I was going to say just chuck them in the ocean, but. No, apparently, yeah, you need to. So these things can live underwater. Apparently, like, I spoke to the pharmacist and she was like, the nits have evolved and they're now surviving, like, without blood,

because they suck your blood, they're now surviving, like, weeks. They're like the new cockroach. And they've apparently the pharmacist was freaking out when i went in there and said that i have to get knit treatment a knit treatment for my kids she was like half of these products don't ever work anymore you set her off you set her off she's like an old war veteran with ptsd she's like these things don't work anymore. We've been in the trenches for years. I went back the other day and she'd like burnt the place down. This will get rid of them.

Have you ever thought about burning your children's hair off? It's the only thing that'll get rid of them. Here's some matches, a bottle of petrol. No, not that to my kids. But I put it on Lola's head five minutes go by i'm then doing marley and then i look over and lola's rubbing her eyes oh for god's sake she's rubbed the treatment like

the tea tree or like into her eyes so she's got get the milk on it so then i'm like fuck i'm then trying to comb it through her hair like trying to get the eggs out while she's like screaming so then i'm like fuck so then i'm trying to wash it off meanwhile marley's like hair it's no longer in a bun it's come down so then it's dripping all over the floor and then like by the time i washed there had to wash the hair three times to get it out and washing washing kids' hair is the absolute worst. So I didn't get them to bed.

Normally bedtime is 7-ish. Didn't get them to sleep until like 8.30. And by then, like they're exhausted. They've been like feeling like they've, you know, been through the wringer. Full day of candy. Ah. And like did you think of maybe some goggles? Some goggles?

Fuck, there he is. There he is. There he is. There you go. It's funny you say, you did mention a second ago, you mentioned we'll give you some petrol. Okay, because I did put a little message out to our Facebook community. If you want to join our Facebook community, you can do so. Facebook, Two Doting Dads. We do have to approve whether you're allowed to be a member.

We'll take anyone. We'll take you unless you're a predator. And then we'll have to approve whether you're allowed to be a member. We'll take anyone. We'll take you unless you're- We're almost at 1,000. Unless you're a predator. And then we'll have to consider. Even then, we're like- You're on the short list. Yeah.

Excuse my testimony. We're on the short list. Okay. So, I did put the call out just for some head lice nightmare story. Anything. I don't know what- Before you get into that, I will say I also got some great advice from my sister. Okay.

Before I get into this. Which came in very late. A bit like the goggle recommendation. But apparently, okay, so anyone out there who is going into their first situation treating nits, when you put the stuff on the hair and you've got to wait the 10 minutes, glad wrap. Glad wrap the head. Yes. Kind of like they do in the salons, I think. What if you just got like a swimming cap? Also a great idea. Full wrap the head. Yes. Kind of like they do in the salons, I think. What if you just got like a swimming cap?

Also a great idea. Full of good ideas. What about a shower cap and you can just sticky tape it around? There's heaps of things. Now you're just showing off. Helmet. What about a helmet? Okay.

That's good. That's good. That's good gear because I haven't had them yet. Well, you're in my house now. I saw you rubbing your head on my couch before. This will get them. Fuck you. Okay.

So, I did put the call out for some head lice, some juicy head lice stories is how I put it. And I won't read them all because there's a lot of long ones. But you did mention a second ago petrol. So, Lauren says, my dad put petrol in my hair when I was in primary school to stop the headlight. That's fucked. Can confirm it worked?

No. I also had scalp burn and smelt like a petrol station. I bet you any money they're from the country. That's a country thing to do. She says, yeah, we're not from the country. Any ailment, they'll be like, put it in petrol. There's a couple of dad jokes in there. Like, that's a head scratcher of a story.

Not very funny. I'll just do one more that I thought was good. This is from Frances. I got head lice when I was at a festival. She was 19. She tried everything to get rid of them. She had a boyfriend at the time and realized that she was going to have to have the awkward conversation that he could potentially have head lice as well, which he did. And they treated it

together. Oh, that's cute. That's quite nice. A little bonding day. A few weeks later, I found out that we had them again. I ended up finding out that he was cheating on me. After the first time I gave him head lice, he passed them on to the other girl and she had given them back to him. Holy shit. That is juicy. That's more juice than I was expecting. So anyway, I wasn't so mad I got head lice in the end.

It exposed a cheater and I both left him and her with head lice. Wow. There you go. That's the first good deed that I've heard. Head lice too. Yeah. They're like the Jerry Springer of the modern day. Yeah, aren't they?

R.I.P. Jerry. May he rest in peace. Is he dead? Yeah. Oh, sorry. If he's not dead. Apologies. He's very quiet.

I'm pretty sure. If he's not dead, he's very quiet. I'm pretty sure. Another low point, this one was just last night. And as I say this, you'll be like, well, of course, that was going to fucking end badly. Oh, I can't wait. So we're now on the home stretch.

Laura's about to come back within like 24 hours. My time as a single parent is over. And I thought I'm going to make the last few nights as memorable as I can. For who? For all of us. For all of you. For me and my daughters. Yeah. So on the weekend, we went out for dinner.

We went to an ice cream shop in Bondi. Well, you took the girls out for dinner like an early dinner. Sunday, yeah. Sunday early dinner with another friend with young kids. Got some pizza next to the early dinner. Sunday, yeah. Sunday early dinner with another friend with young kids. Oh, nice. Got some pizza next to the pizza shop. Got ice cream. The lobster and caviar pizza.

Yeah, sorry. The pistachio, not ice cream. It was great. And the girls, as we were driving home, this is like midweek, they said, can we go get ice cream after dinner? Midweek. And I said, you know what? I'm Funtimes' dad. I'm here to make cool memories. memories i said if we get home and we we did have a bit of time it was maybe like 4 30 i said

look if we go home we'll have an early dinner and if you eat your dinner quickly we'll get back in the car go get some ice cream bob's your uncle everyone's having a great time that's a good little bribe tactic too that's what i thought clever that's what i thought but didn't work to explain well just they didn't eat dinner quick enough so by the time we kind of got dinner they eaten it we had a few arguments a few tears of the fact that like my kids just don't eat dinner breakfast great dinner shit don't even get me fucking started i was very much at the point where i was like on like the 20th threat of like we're not getting ice cream unless you have two more mouthfuls and they

were like oh my fucking god but you promised and i was like remember fun times dad here for a good time also angry time dad if he needs to be it's the same guy girls it's the same guy and then at a point where i was like, I should be running the bath and, like, getting him in the bath, I was fucking putting him back in the car to go to get ice cream. Oh, my God. I know. I know.

For those of listening who do not have kids but just like to listen to Matt and I talk shit about ours, any time around that bath bedtime, hour, give or take, either side, putting them in a vehicle is the biggest risk you can take. Mainly for one thing, they could fall asleep and not transition out of that car into bed and you end up with a child who's had a power nap and then- Even power nap for like a second.

They're up for days. That's what it feels like. You're up with them all night. So that's just for some context where Matt's at right now. Okay, yeah, okay. Firstly, dumb. Yeah. Go.

I'm an idiot. Yeah, absolutely. I agree. I totally agree with you. Anyway, finally get back in the car and then as we get ice cream, I was like, fuck's it's pretty late it's pretty late the ice cream eating was great having to get back in the car to get back home to get it back in the bath at this point you know when you talk about you always say

toddlers or young kids they're like little drunk adults like they're just they're just nightmares can i stop you really quickly please in the car on the way home, how did you keep them awake? What was your go-to technique? Well. Mine's swerve. Yeah, I was just slamming the brake. And they're like. There's no one else on the road. And you're like, not that often.

And you're just up the street. You just swerve. Sorry. Back to. It was just, we're in the bath bath they were both so tired at this point it's like seven o'clock and we're having bath i'm an hour behind schedule i'm fucking stressed the kids are exhausted from then on it was just an uphill painful battle to get them into bed and i thought to myself you're you're an. Did they eat their dinner?

No. Not really. Half of it. So that was one of the moments where I was like, I'm an idiot. It's a dumb move when you're trying to put them to bed, they're overtired and it's like you've tried to be fun time dad and you just mentioned the pendulum earlier. That is exactly what you've done.

It's a swinging pendulum. What time did you get him to sleep? 8.30. I know done it's a swinging pendulum what time did you get him to sleep 8 30 oh i know it's up at five yeah you're like i love that wishful thinking it's like maybe they'll sleep in nope but also to make matters even worse my kids don't nap anymore i'll be like marley's five lolas three lola is now slipped into the routine of having a daytime nap because she's had too many late nights early starts oh and then because she's just got so much tiredness built up they're like we are trying our hardest to keep her awake but it's like someone hits it with a tranquilizer at one o'clock and she's like yeah and the thing is it's like we're talking about a toddler burning

the candle at both ends it's like me going out every night and then having to record it's not gonna happen but then the best part was just really quickly i'll wrap it up ash yeah that's good i'll wrap it up the best part was one of the highlights was one night exhausted get into bed again have i mentioned that i'm a single parent right now did i mention that i mentioned that i'm by myself all alone out there in the big wide world with two kids who were nightmares love them but nightmares and then as i was getting marley to bed she goes dad i wrote you something it was only on a bit of i put it on my story oh yeah was it the penis it was nothing she did draw a penis how does she know what that looks like she's's, I don't know.

That's another story. I don't want to accuse you of anything. She got like a scrap of paper and she just wrote dad with three love hearts on it. And she folded up as a card and said, dad, this is for you. I love you. And I was just like, the pendulum is back. Imagine if she turned around and goes, that's how you spell mom, isn't it? Just on the dinner thing really quick.

I am at my wit's end. Last night the kids were coming back from kindy. They were at Papa's house. They always snack a lot over there, which is fine because then they, you know, like. Was that Little Jab at Papa? Yeah. No, it wasn't.

That's fine. I don't care because they're finished kindy. They're going to be hungry. It's like when you get home from school and you're ravishing. Anyway, I was like, okay, they eat the dinosaur pasta, which is pasta shaped as dinosaurs. So I was like, what was on the menu was pasta and meatballs. So I made the dinosaur pasta and I squashed the meatballs down

and got the dinosaur cutter things out that look like dinosaurs. I thought, oh, these kids will eat that. All right. They'll love this. They'll eat this dinosaur everything. thought, oh, these kids will eat that. All right? They'll love this. Dinosaur everything. They'll love it. They'll eat it. Just keep this in mind.

The photo I'm going to show you is of dinosaur pasta and dinosaur meatballs. And it's the pictures from after they attempted eating it. So this is Macy's. Not one bite taken. After they are tempted eating it. So this is Macy's. Not one bite taken.

It's a terrible effort, I know. Can I ask you a question? Give it up at this point. Have you put any butter in the pasta? They did that once and they were like, oh, slippery. Anyway, this is Oscar's. Once again, nothing eaten. Nothing at all, yeah. So I'm at my wit's end. So, this is Oscar's. Once again, nothing eaten.

Nothing at all, yeah. So I'm at my wit's end. So that's toast and cereal. It looks a bit fucking dry, bro, if I'm honest. Not to Gordon Ramsay you, but... What do you want, an idiot sandwich? Anyway, I'm at my wit's end. It's going to be toast and cereal from now on. But I don't know what it is.

Macy doesn't like sauce. Oscar doesn't like sauce on certain things. Also, who doesn't like sauce? I always say food is just a vessel. It's the kids these days. Sauce is the food. Right. I just want to quickly mention, Ash, I saw an article out there

that mentioned the most popular baby names that are coming out for both boys. Was Matthew on it? Let's just check. I should just wait for you to read them out, shouldn't I? I'm so impatient. I love how this whole episode you've been, just for the listeners out there that probably won't see it because it's on the opposite side of where the camera usually faces,

Matt's been doing this whole episode on his sleeve is a child sticker. Oh, fuck. And I didn't tell him because I thought that's a great accessory. Very on brand. Very on brand. Very on brand. Those of you who have small children know these stickers are everywhere. And kids love stickers, much like they like Band-Aids, and they always end up over everything.

But that's not a bad place for a dander. But if I take that off, Lola. Like, I put that sticker on you before I left the house. Okay, you've got the list in front of you as well. And this will be for anyone out there who has yet to name their child. Maybe their child's been born. Or wants to rename their child because they've named them something stupid, like Argyle or something dumb.

Isn't it funny? Some people will, like, name their child and not do the official papers. Three days down the track, be like, do you know what? He's not Lucifer. He's rodney i was actually matthew what happened we'll have to ask my mom when we get her on that's right she was down the beach and there was too many kids named matthew and she was like fuck that there's a lot of us but my middle name is matthew i didn't know that you don't know much

about me like when my birthday is I'm still holding a grudge. When is that, September? Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. All right. You go, the boys. Yeah, yeah.

If you want to rename your child from Lucifer. Number one name, apparently, according to this list, for boys is Oliver. Oh. That's a bit of a... I don't know. I disagree. You can't say it's a shit name because there's people listening. I apologize.

It's not a shit name. Okay. It's an above average name. I feel like we should have started from five to one, but we'll start from the top. Go from five. Okay. Go from five. You already know one.

Okay. Go from six, five to... Six till two. Okay. Hudson. Strong name. Shit. Number six.

Number five. Theodore. Theodore. Theo. Teddy. Teddy. Great name. Yeah. What are the. Theodore. Theo. Teddy. Teddy. Great name. What are the girls?

Give us some girl names, Ash. I'm going to go. The fifth one is MIA. Mia. Duh. Mia and Olivia. And Leo. I do like the name Leo.

Leo's pretty good. Leo. Henry. Henry's back. Henry's a bit king. He's a bit regal. Leo's pretty good. Leo. Henry. Henry's back. Henry's a bit king. He's a bit regal. Regal? Yeah.

Henry II. Actually, on TikTok at the moment, I watched one Henry VIII video. Now, my whole FOP is Henry VIII and the weird things that he did. He smelt really bad, didn't he? He smelt really bad because his leg was rotting. Yeah. Don't name your child Henry. His leg might rot out from underneath of him.

Number two name for boys is Noah. Noah. Noah never met her. Yes. I've not met any Noahs at all in my time. Me either. So I've got three. Charlotte.

That's like pretty old school. A lot of Charlottes. There's a few Charlottes at daycare. Too many if you ask me. Well said. Amelia. Amelia! Just sounds like a nice name to yell.

And coming in at number one, can you guess? Well, it's in front of me, but is it Isla? I wasn't asking you. It's Isla, as in like Isla Fisher. I like it. All right. Let's do some penny couples. Or before.

Oh, my God. Give the people what they want, man. I'm doing you from last week. I've got one more, just like one second story. Yeah. Little update. Big achievement for me. Yeah, go.

I got the treatment last week when I tried to tell you another really riveting story. I know. And I was like, when's it going to fucking end? Really quick. Really quick achievement. This happened last night. And I've been waiting for this moment my entire life. Lola would come into bed and never, ever, ever snuggle with me. Only Marley would snuggle. Happened last night and I've been waiting for this moment my entire life.

Lola would come into bed and never, ever, ever snuggle with me. Only Marley would snuggle. Lola would always snuggle with Laura. Right? And a few times recently, Lola would hop into bed and I'd be like, hey. And I'd like try and give her a snuggle and she'd go, what the fuck are you doing? She'd stop me right there and be like, back off. I'm like, sorry.

And then last night she said, daddy, can you give me a cuddle? She lay on my arm. You are the only option though. I know, yeah. After like weeks of being starved of cuddles, she's like, all right, let's go do it. I had the deadest fucking arm. She got a big head, that girl. She's like, massive.

Weighs a ton. Arm is dead. It's like three in the morning and I was like, really want to move my arm right now. Don't want to lose the moment. Petty couples. Petty couples. Actually, one more quick thing.

No. Nice try. Petty couples, enjoy the song. You can read me like a book. Petty couples walking down the street. Petty couples, they kind of like to meet. Petty couples, I love you but I'm immature. No one can push me quite like you

Okay, Matt, I thought maybe this time instead of reading these long-winded ones we might just rattle off. Short and punchy. Short and punchy. So, if you want to go first. Okay, this one, these are anonymous. These are all anonymous.

But I feel like they're very universal and everyone's got the same. Maybe people are submitting these anonymously because a couple of people will post this on social media, some mostly older, they come out and they say, oh, my God, why are we acting like children? Oh, have a laugh. Grow up.

Have a little bit of a, back in my day, if I did that to my wife, she'd leave me. Good. Good. Okay, if he annoys me, if he annoys me, I make a coffee and I don't leave any hot water for him in the kettle to make one for himself. That's as good as the one that we got where she's like,

I empty the coffee machine's water. I've got one here, which was personal favourite. This one says, I stand in the kitchen or pack the dishwasher while he's trying to cook literally happened to me in April this morning

we all got up this morning I was like I'll make coffees and then the kids wanted breakfast and it was like we were both

in each other's way we were just like get out of the way anything yeah this one says i wash the dishes while he showers so his water goes cold on him brilliant brilliant we have our plumbing is like that where it's like i remember as a kid actually my mom used to do that to my dad be God, he's been in the shower for ages. And you hear this. Ah!

And last one from me is, I throw the empty toilet rolls that he leaves on the toilet paper handle into his closet. Bravo. Very good. If you have any Petty Couple stories that you want to send in, you can send them to Two Doting Dads DMs on Instagram or hello at twodotingdads.com.au.

Also the Facebook group. Yeah, the Facebook group. We are so close to cracking 1,000 members. Is that right? Yeah, can't wait. Can't wait. It's kicking off in there. One of those.

It's kicking off. It's popping off. Mate. Come on. Come on in. There's room for play. There's popping off. Come on. Come on in. There's room for play. There's no actual music, but come on in. Questions, Ash?

Yeah. I've got a question here. This one is also anonymous, a very anonymous episode, this one. Spooky. Okay, I want to hear your take on this. This comes from a couple. They've recently got a newborn child. It's maybe like

six or seven months old this is the scenario okay i want to know if you think one of the adults here is overreacting or if one of the adults was being slightly negligent oh okay juicy very juicy juicy you say so bub is. Okay. Bub is the baby's name? That's the mum. Bub, the baby, is asleep. Okay, yeah. Mum, whilst baby goes down, mum's like, I have to run out quickly, run a little errand. So, she's going to be on the road.

So, is leaving the baby in charge with dad. Can I just kudos you on the correct pronunciation of errand? You added the D in. Errand. People always say, I just got to run a couple errands. Thank you. My mother was a teacher. Jinx.

So whenever I did anything wrong, she would beat me. With the cane. Go. Sorry. Sorry. Mum has gone out to run an errand. Dad has been left with child, bub, six months old, asleep in the cot. Okay.

Okay. They are in an apartment building. Yep. It's now late. I'm picturing it. He has ordered dinner from the restaurant, which is just literally walk out the apartment, across the road, that's the restaurant.

So you could be at the restaurant and you could look back, almost see the front door. Any particular cuisine? They didn't mention. Let's go with Italian. I think, I mean, it was. Winter hearty meal. Yes. Good. Lasagna, maybe pizza. Lasagna? to see the front door any particular cuisine they didn't mention let's go with italian i think i mean it was winter harley meal yes lasagna maybe pizza your mom's got one in her bag he's gone down to get the food he's left bub in the apartment asleep asleep all right he's just

going to run down pick up the food come back right he's gone down there they've gone actually we missed one of your meals it's going to be a couple minutes now it's just coming out of the kitchen so then he's wondering what do i do do i go back do i stay he stayed and you know sometimes when you when you're waiting this is not going to have a bad ending this story no okay no bad ending he waits for the food by the time he back, mum has come back from running the errand. She is holding a screaming baby or a crying baby. Maybe this has been embellished. I'm not quite sure.

But who do you think is at fault here? Oh, it's pretty obvious who's at fault. Talk to me. Look, I get that the restaurant is directly across i get that you could see the window or whatever or you see where you live i'm sorry you cannot leave a baby unattended at that age and i'm on that side because once when oscar was quite young he in his sleep he started choking on his stomach bile and I had to get him up and get him out what if I wasn't there that's one side of the story the second side of the story is why did they not communicate to say hey I've ordered dinner while you're coming back from your

errand if they had communicated about dinner which I guarantee you they would have why didn't she offer to pick it up and say you can't, I'll grab it on the way home. But don't you think that maybe he was trying to do the right thing and that when she comes home, dinner's on the table. Brownie points, boom. Yeah, look, the idea, if that's the case, brilliant. Execution, not so brilliant. High risk.

Just honestly ring him up and say, hey, I'll give someone a $5 tip to run it to my door. That's a good shout. But then do you think think though then like we never used a baby monitor ever okay so if marley or lola was asleep you know we'd be potentially like you know but you can hear them well not always sometimes the tv was on how loud are you listening to the tv pretty loud also we're two dads you're forgetting that mom's instincts and ears are very different they're like bats they're like can he so they got sonar hearing vibrate that's what i've now got off the back of being a single parent there you go benefits and i've grown tits and i'm lactating um all right look i don't want to give advice. We do not give advice here. We don't do it.

But my thought process here is one thing, communicate. Please, for God's sake. Because it probably, if he was like, look, I'm trying to do a nice thing. I've ordered dinner. Do you mind just picking it up? Or just pick up the fucking phone and say, hey, 16-year-old kid that runs food for a fucking living, can you just run it across the street? I've got five bucks with your name on it bro and a high five i think that's a great solution i have i have been guilty when marley was a newborn when we're living in bondi i would call the cafe

order a coffee she'd go to sleep and i'd run across the road get the coffee and run back oh don't give me that deep breath sigh no no because i'm trying to look i'm trying to i'm also trying to sympathize with you and the parent with trying to get it done but the coffee can fucking wait i agree sorry i think what's more important is the life of a child i have a question for you, Matt. And this is actually, someone has sent this one in. It's anonymous. But it's also something I want to ask you because both of our kids

are exactly the same age by a week. I don't know if you remember when Oscar's birthday is, like I remember when Marley's is. Just count back five days, that's when it is. There's no need to have such a patronising time. It's all you did come to the birthday so it's all good they're both at an age and i'm sure you know what i'm talking about when everything has to end in a why they always have to know why everything is why it is do you have this problem with Marley is one question that I have. And the second question I have is do you have any tips or tricks

to shut them the fuck up in the nicest way possible? Do what? Because you can't just – they're learning little minds, so I get it. You can't be like, shut up. Marley actually doesn't ask the why questions, partly because she's smarter than I am. So I'm normally asking her why.

Why? She doesn't normally, I mean, the only thing that she's been quite inquisitive about is death. Okay. Me too. okay me too she's just she's trying to wrap her head around the concept of death and like where do you go after you die well depends on who you ask young marley that's the only topic that she really wants to try and unpack and wrap her head around other than that she's not really one to like be too inquisitive we We always answer the death one with like you go into heaven, the stars are actually people shining down on us.

That's beautiful. Thank you so much. And so Papa's up there. Let's put that on a T-shirt. Stars are just people shining down on you. Except the only issue is. The only issue is. So we're like, Marley, I've got a beautiful night sky.

We're like, that bright star up there, that's Papa. And then when it's a cloudy night, she's like, ah! Where the hell's Papa? He's gone again. Sorry. Look, the sentiment is lovely. I find that Oscar, anything that happens, he just comes up with a line of interrogation,

like why, who, what, where, when. He got that award for most improved and he was like, why did I get this? He was like, you're most improved. Most improved at what? Why was I most improved? Why didn't the other kids get one? Why did Matt get, like one of the kids got like man of the match

or whatever and he's like, why did he get a different one or like just like and i found myself and again i don't want to be like shut up because it's so fucking annoying he's not listening to this he's just trying to communicate with you bro he's trying to learn but i'm in the car we're in the car on the way home and i'm trying to concentrate and we're and i just understand this big, wide world that doesn't make any sense. Shut up. Sorry. Exactly. That's how we got there.

And I just like said to him, I said, Oscar, you've asked some really, really good questions, but it's enough questions for now. And I was like, we can talk about it more when we get home. Like I was like trying to not be mean. Yeah. And be like, shut your mouth. Let's just all sit down and be quiet for a bit. Yeah, that's what I was like. I still feel bad because it's like he's just trying to learn

about everything. But that's why I said you've had some really good questions. I served him a shit sandwich. I was like, you had some really good questions, but can you shut the fuck up now? And then when we get home. Ash doesn't talk to his kid like that. We're joking for the podcast, right Ash?

Yeah. Wink. Anyway, if anyone has any tips on that, that'd be great. Please put them on the Facebook group. Should we get out of here, my guy? Yeah, let's go. Matt's getting hungry. Let's wrap this up.

I will say this before I go. If you've enjoyed this episode, which I can only assume that you've had the time of your life. If they're still here. Listening to us. Don't go. Don't go. Don't go just yet. I'm not finished.

Sit down. Sit back down. We would love it if you would review this podcast. Subscribe to it. Give it a few stars. Maybe a couple of comments. People keep leaving stars and there's no comments. And share it with some friends.

Share it with some friends. And join us on the Facebook group. There's a hoot. We'll see you guys next week. See ya. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea, and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.