Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #80 Man Flu and Vigilante Mums

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

We kick off this ep with a beautiful moment from Ash as he gifts Matt a present for his b'day. What a lovely guy! Ash then breaks the news that he's being kicked out of his apartment and they have 30 days to find new digs. Maybe it's for the best because there's been a recent crime spree. We know what you're thinking - no it's not Mr Freeze - it's actually a bunch of nightmare teenagers. Ash has just the idea to pull them into line.. VIGILANTE MUMS !  Matt's been sick as a dog and both girls have had gastro so it's been a bloody nightmare of a week for the Johnson's. Only problem is, Laura has the new Covid tests that also test for every type of flu under the soon. Guess what Matt tested positive for?? Not telling... listen to the ep ! Plus, we tackle your questions! What's something non-sexual your wife does to turn you on? Is it ok to leave your toddler asleep if you need to pop outside? Make sure you share your best Petty Couples stories with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Come to the movies with us: https://bit.ly/3ziTTBa Buy our book: https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

perfect timing uh fucking garbage truck is out the front you've got a lot of garbage out there what about the pile of garbage out the front what's going on there whose is that is that one of those little ones that just starts off as like a couple things and everyone's just like oh i'll jump in on that there's a council clean up up the road so someone's like ah i must throw shit out the front of my house everyone in the northern beaches is just like oh i'll add to that i love how they change the method of like you know how that used to get a letter in the northern beaches is just like oh i'll add to that i love it they changed the method of like you know how that used to get a letter in the mail being like this is the weekend is a council clean up but now you've got each household has x amount per year that you can book

in and because this is a big complex and all it takes is one person literally there probably was just an old bike out there and i always do this thing where I'm like, I walk past or I put something in there and I'd be like, why does someone want to take it? And then someone takes it. I threw some stuff out there. But now I have nothing out there that's mine because they took the bikes that I put out there.

And I'm like, well, it's actually not mine. But also when we lived at my father-in-law's house, it's like one house put stuff out and then all of a sudden the whole street got their shit out they think it's a free rule have you have you be honest have you added to that pile i added two bikes a kid's bike that was fucking broken and then an old electric bike that was fucked and within within an hour it's rained heat there's got to be a dead body in there oh no yeah there's like animals in there. It's rained heaps. There's got to be a dead body in there. Oh, no, yeah. There's like animals in there now.

There's like ferrets. They've set up nests. You can see it from space. Welcome back. Oh Doting Dads. I'm not Matty. Matty J is currently trying to stay alive. I'm Ash and this is... I'm Matty J. And this is a podcast all about parenting.

It's the good, the bad and... The relatable. And usually Matt does this part, so good thing I've been listening. We do not share any advice, any real advice, anyway, just for legal reasons. Thank you. How's that? Thank you.

Good. Sorry about that. That came out of nowhere. That's okay. I feel like I've been carrying you all week and I might as well... No. Carry you to the finish line, my friend. If I haven't carried you at all this week, I'm going to Carry you to the finish line, my friend. If I haven't carried you at all this week,

I'm going to carry you to the finish line today. Thank you. Because I've got a couple of things for you that I really want to go through that I think you're really going to like. Okay. Maybe one or two things in particular you're really going to like. Okay. I'm all ears.

Strap yourself in. Now, you have – first of all, let's do, it was your birthday. Yes. We did mention it last week, but you did go away for your birthday. Should we have a drink first? Oh, we should. Yeah. We should.

We are drinking Stonewood, of course, the Pacific Ale. Now, Matt, funny story about Pacific Ale. I was trying to get a... It's good for a little dry throat. It is. Not sure if it's medically approved. It is. It is.

Yep. Eight out of ten doctors recommend Stone & Wood Pacific Ale for a scratchy throat. Unless you're pregnant. Or driving. Yes, yes. Very important caveat. So I used Stone & Wood to get something across the line this week.

What is it? You remember the old thing, the beer economy, right? Where it's like someone does something for you it's worth x you give him a slap give him a slap so i needed a couple of things just tuned up around the house and i didn't want to annoy the owner of this place because he's quite frankly a fucking bell end well said if he's listening you heard that fuck you heard that right we stand by those comments we have been given our walking papers in this place which is upsetting because the kids have you know last few years built some memories here but that's all right that's part of being a renter i'm not gonna cry maybe and i wanted a friend to do some stuff around the house and i said to him

hey can you put a you know fix a couple things up for me and he was like oh i'm an honor and I said to him, hey, can you fix a couple of things up for me? And he was like, oh, I'm in an hour. And I said, do you know what? I've got a case of Pacific Ale, stone and wood, with your name on it if you come around and do it for us. Bam, he was here within the hour. What work did he do? It's very subtle. Yeah.

He's just tight. Wait, wait, wait, can I? No, no. Can I try and? Ah, yes. That's not. Tighten the screws on your bed frame. Hey? That's one of them. But no, just a couple squeaky doors this needed the wd-40 into the job so he just had to tie a few things for us

there's nothing couple of squeaky doors that bed frame squeaky bed heads anyway so i use pacific to get it across the line he is a huge pacific al fan fan. Thank you, Stonewood, for making this episode possible, as they do with every episode. Actually, and we also have to mention as well the fact that we went on a little business trip for some shopping and we bought surfboards. And also, as a nod, as a thanks, we dropped off a slab of Stonewood. We did.

I just forgot about that. So we're no longer paying anyone. When people are like, your invoice has not been paid that we're no longer paying anyone when people are like uh your invoice has not been paid like we left something for you at the front door cheers yeah so stonewoods is stonewoods stonewood is paying delicious everything and it's the newest form of currency hey should we just quickly mention the fact that you dropped the news on me yesterday the fact that you're getting booted out of your complex yeah how's the family going well do you know what it is see that beam there look at it oh my gosh for anyone wondering i'm looking out

to the backyard of ash's place and there is a beam that's melting. Look at the bend on it. It's a banana. It bends to the left. Okay, so the beam's no good. And how did that get you kicked out? Okay, so what happened was I complained about the beam. Rightfully so.

Yeah, yeah. Rightfully so. It's dangerous. If that falls on a kid, it'd kill a kid. That could kill a kid. That's a kid-killing beam right there well said thank you anyway he it's not the issue of the beam itself or me i think what's happened here is he's in dispute with the spotty corporate and strata right and unfortunately yeah that impacts us because where the bottom feet is in

this situation you're caught in the cross. You're caught in the crossfire. We're caught in the crossfire. He's decided he's had enough. He's going to fuck this place off. Or if he's got to do any work to it, he's so cheap, this guy. Yeah. He's so fucking cheap. He said, I'll just tear it down. But obviously the body corp has said, no, it's going to match.

Anyway, so he- Hang on. As someone who works in a timber yard what do you reckon what's that beam worth what do we that yeah well the thing is the one next door if they'd have done it properly like the one next door see how it's quite thick compared to this one yeah that is a h3 pine beam i fucking love it when you talk wood okay so it's a 290 by 65 treated and how i define pressure treated is there's two different types of treated think about this if you're having sex with your wife yes and you dip your dick in and pull it out

yep and you're done that is just treated on the outside yep if you dip it in and leave it in there and soak it that's h3 right right right to cut that out no anyway that's about 22 a meter that's h3 right right i have to cut that out no anyway that's about 22 a meter that's about 66 dollars i've been having sex with my wife wrong all this time all this time you want to get it pressure treated anyway so his thought process is this he's either going to sell it or if he's got to do some work to it might as well do a bunch of different work to it at the same time, which is fine. Gave us 30 days and I said to him yesterday. That's not a long time. I said to him yesterday, I need more time.

And he was like, why? I said, have you- What do you fucking mean why, bro? And I said, I've got two kids under five, bro. Are you going to find them a new home? No, I've got to find them a new home. And he was like, gotcha. As soon as I got a little bit snarky,

which is probably what got us kicked out in the first place. That's fine. That's fine. I don't have a problem with that. And honestly. So how much extra time do you have? Don't know yet. I'm sort of giving it a couple of days for everyone to just take a deep breath.

And then on Monday, I'll call him with, I'll just ask for what my options are, whether if he's going to sell it, we could just go month to month until he sells it or until I find something. I want to help him out as much as possible. Also, what's probably pissed him off is we went to sign a renewal. He upped the rent only by 20 bucks, but April fucking went in after him.

No, my watch. Exactly. And we said, we're not signing anything until the beam's fixed. And that's obviously pissed him off too. I think it's just all too much for this old head who's probably got 10 properties and is just a classic, won't spend a cent. It's fucking wild, isn't it? It's wild.

I'm fucking sick of these boomers, eh? I remember- Boomers and teenagers. I'm sick of them. Laura's old place that she was in, there was like so many things wrong with it. Like every tap was leaking, lights didn't work floorboards were like falling in and she'd call the landlord and she'd be like hey like i literally cannot turn the taps off they just won't stop running like it's as hard as it will go and he was like yeah

cool i'll be there tomorrow this guy would rock up and he had like 20 properties in sydney and it's like dude just spend like a hundred bucks and get a plumber to come out pretty sure you're talking about the we're talking about the same guy yeah yeah it's the, dude, just spend like $100 and get a plumber to come out. I'm pretty sure you're talking about the same guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same guy. He comes and fixes, which I don't care. If he wants to come and do the maintenance on this place, that's fine.

Come and fix those little things. He came, measured up to get the bit. He was like, I'm going to get it replaced. I'm like, that's cool, dude. You just let me know. It's probably why they've got 20 properties though because they are so stingy. But like, do you want people to talk?

I'm sitting here in a public – this is going to be public for everybody to watch this. What's his name? Me talking – do you really want – spend the money so I'm not here talking shit about you. Put his name out there. What's his address? Fuck you.

Yeah. Remember that. Anyway, I didn't want to talk about this today so much. I apologize. Thank you. I wanted to talk about really quickly because it was your birthday. It was my birthday. And you were away.

You ghosted me the whole day. Plain hard to get. Sorry about that. That's okay. I understand. You're with your family. You don't want to hear from me. Some people do.

It's not true. I always enjoy hearing from you. But you were away. What the day. That's why it didn't happen. What the hour. What the minute. I was going to. hearing from you but you doesn't matter we were away what the day that's why i didn't what the hour what the minute i was gonna i was gonna i took it personally for a moment until someone else sent you a happy birthday in a group chat you didn't respond to that either and i thought

it's not just me what did you say what was your message you just said happy birthday i said happy birthday yeah cool and then i said that they should sack kevi and you weren't happy about that can i just say one of the downs and maybe this is me getting really old one of the downsides of your birthday and i there weren't that many makes it sound like i'm being very arrogant here and toot my own horn with how many friends i've got but when people are like happy birthday and you're like i'll respond to that in a second and then another person writes happy birthday and then all of a sudden you've got like 12 messages you've got to write back to and you're like oh how tough has it been popular how tough is it having people care about you?

How dare people care about you in which you have... Do you know how... You sound terrible. Shut the fuck up. You sound like Oscar, ungrateful. You're right. Anyway, let's get past that. You got very sick.

I did get sick. And look, I felt very sorry for you. I felt like that's not fair because you just had two weeks with the kids on your own, okay, and then you've gotten sick for a whole week. So I thought the guy needs a little bit of TLC. So April and I have got you something for your birthday, okay, and I think you're going to love this. You're going to lap this up.

And usually I'm going to get you a joke gift, usually. But I have severely reduced the amount of alcohol I consume lately and I've turned into an empath. So I've done something nice for you. Oh, what have you done? April, we've got you a gift voucher for a spa in Vaucluse. I don't know what it's called. Anyway, soul spa for you to go and pamper yourself.

You get a massage. You get a facial. Holy shit. Yeah. Wow. Happy birthday. What the fuck is going on? Is this a trick?

What? I thought two hard weeks with the girls with Laura off doing work. And then you get sick. You need some time to yourself. This is very generous from me. That's okay. Very generous. That's okay.

From someone who's just been evicted as well. This is the reason we can't pay rent. Which spa is it? It's in Vaucluse. Oh. Soul spa. April picked it. Thank you.

That's okay. I'll send that to you. You book yourself in for a couple of hours. Turn your phone off. I'll take care of business. Get a facial. Get a massage. Maybe a happy ending.

I don't know what they do there. Whatever you booked me into. I'm walking down King's Cross. It's a Vaucluse rub and tug. Is this the place? Prestigious rub and tug in Vaucluse. Anyway, happy birthday. Thank you, Ash. Happy birthday. That's really generous of you. It's a Vaucluse rub and tug. Is this the place? Prestigious rub and tug in Vaucluse. Anyway, happy birthday.

Thank you, Ash. Happy birthday. That's really generous of you. I've got another juicy present for you. Jesus. It's not really. It's just something I wanted to run by you. The gift that keeps on giving. I know.

Look, I'm trying to give more. That's what I'm trying to do. I like it. I like it. I like the new improved Ash. It's temporary Ash. Let's just go with that because i'm bored man i'm only drinking minimal amounts uh i'm bored at night let's put that way so what have you got for me i've done a lot of thinking lately about we're doing that's scary that's a scary thought to know that i've done a lot i know

i was gonna say like oh shit but i'm gonna give you okay i'm gonna give you something so paramount plus we hosted a movie last weekend last weekend on saturday raging success it was it was chaotic but that's the point right that's what we wanted that's what that's on brand for us that's very on brand and so we're okay you want to do another movie night where do you want to go with no no no i've been thinking about a potential TV series that I wanted to pitch you. And let me know what your thoughts are. Okay. This could either go really well.

Is it a comedy? It is a comedy. Not at first glance. At second glance, it's a comedy. Okay, let me give you the synopsis. This is the synopsis of it. Okay. Also risky of you to discuss this on the podcast

who knows how many tv producers are listening right now stealing the ideas well it'll be out there before the art it'll be we want to plant the seed get people excited people excited that if it ever happens or if anyone ever makes this they realize this is where it came yes okay so it's called vigilante mums the synopsis is this two mums two young mums okay okay with young kids okay just my first thought should we should we have two dads no okay it's funnier with mums okay okay because my mum's out there listening right now they're gonna love this yep okay vigilante mums two mums okay in their local neighborhood they've been overrun by a group of teenagers doing stupid shit, vandalising, stealing, all this sort of stuff.

So the mums have decided that police aren't going to do anything. They want to take it into their own hands. So they're forming a vigilante group of mums, of other like-minded mums to fight crime. Parent during the day, fight crime at night. Vigilante mums, of other like-minded mums to fight crime. Parent during the day, fight crime at night. Vigilante mums. Where do we come into it? Executive producers.

In the film. We might be. It's not a film. It's a short series. Six episodes. Okay. Six episodes. Will April and Laura be? Make a fit.

Yeah. I haven't got that far. I've got this far as it, but it's a vigilante, but it's a comedy. Okay. So that's where it's like at second glance, you're like, okay, is this going to be a serious show? No. Because you can imagine what it would be like for Laura and April

as two young mums with young kids forming a vigilante group. Has April ever had to put on the vigilante hat lately around here? Is that where, is this based on real? This is based on true offense. Your IGA robbery. Is this the IGA robbery? Yeah. So let's talk about where I got the idea from.

What do you think? First of all, what are your thoughts? It's fucking brilliant. Thank you. It's incredible. Are you just saying that? A little bit. No, what?

I thought it'd be hilarious. Yeah. Okay. It's not like I need it to marinate. It's a good start. It's a great start. Vigilante mums. Yeah. I heard you the be hilarious. Yeah, okay. It's not like I need it to marinate. It's a good start. It's a great start. Vigilante Mums. Yeah, I heard you the first time.

No, I like it. Let me just say it a third time. Vigilante Mums. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, very good. I think it's a great idea. Just saying. I would watch it.

It's kind of like that show that came out called Working Mums, right? So it's Working Mums that came out, but it was missing something, and that is Crime Fighters. It does, for me, a bit of a bridesmaid feel. Is Kirsten, what's her name? Kirsten Wigg. Kirsten Wigg. Is she free?

No, but actually I've got a question for you. If Laura was to be a character, who would you want to play Laura? You'll play you. This is where I'm going. The dad's in it how halle berry no australian actor oh gosh we can't afford halle berry angelina jolie done who who'd we get actually i don't know many australian actresses rebecca give me maybe who was a girl from Home and Away? Richie. Oh, Kate Richie. Kate Richie.

Yeah? Kate Richie, maybe. She'd do well. She would do pretty good. She'd do pretty well. She'd be funny. What other brunettes are out there that are actors? I don't know.

Would you get Celeste Barber to do it? Let's have Australian actresses. Australian actresses. It's bad that we're going to Google it. Isla Fisher. Isla Fisher. There we go. It needs to be more like... Isla... I're going to Google it. Isla Fisher. Isla Fisher. There we go. It needs to be more like.

I go Robbie. That'd be April. That's the biggest compliment April's ever gotten, I reckon. There's a heap. Toni Collette. Anyway, anyway. Where I got the idea was is, as I told you, there's been a string. There's been a, and the string keeps,

continues to get longer, my friend, of crime, petty crime, done by a group of teenagers between the ages of 14 and 16 in Moorwood. We had the ice head. Now I wish we had Mr. Freeze. Mr. Freeze has moved on. Do you know what? He was probably keeping things in check, Mr. Freeze. He was.

He was wielding that samurai sword. It's a bit like Saddam Hussein. Like everyone thought he was a bad guy and then when he was he was wielding that samurai samurai sword it's a bit like saddam hussein like everyone thought he was a bad guy and then when he was taken out then all that's real bad guys yeah that's what's happened warrywood is essentially iraq right now anyway so yeah good thing i'm moving so mr freeze would have been good to have around lately because he would have kept everybody the kids are just running wild. They are running wild.

So what happened was they held up, well, they didn't hold up the IGA. They were robbing the IGA. They were pinching stuff from the IGA. Taking alcohol. Yeah, and the owner of the IGA just had enough and like withheld their e-bikes on getaway. And then it turned a little bit violent

where they essentially try to rough the lady up and my mate who owns a cafe there's some pretty good cctv footage of it him and the chef got involved and like started wrestling his kids and some punches were thrown and the kids got got away because you know what kids like they're squirmy so they got away before the police came hard to lock down and the police were like there's not a whole lot we can do. Yeah, that's fucking wild, isn't it? Yeah. And apparently the parents of these kids don't give a fuck either.

Like, if you're robbing a store and threatening a female. They had it by the throat. Like, come on, dude. That's like, something's got to happen. I'm not saying lock him up in jail because I don't want to turn him into full-time criminals. This is why we need the vigilante mums. The vigilante mums. Told you.

Anyway, so after that, what happened was they held up the JB Hi-Fi in the shopping centre around the corner here. They actually held it up. With what, though? A knife. They got some staff, got away. There's more. I was down at the shops, the same shops the other day.

There's a liquor land out the front. It was a Saturday. Classic day for drinking, Saturday. I miss it. No. And I'm down there with Oscar. I'm locking on the e-bike because we're going to drive home. And I saw this kid literally at the front door of Liquorland. He walked in, grabbed two bottles of Grey Goose,

turned around and said these are mine bitch what he didn't run just casually he casually walked off and his mate joined him who was eating subway and they just walked off the confidence anyway i'm with oscar i can't do anything that's not my bottles of vodka if i wasn't with oscar i probably would have been like because i know when they got when they got jumped at IGA by the chef and stuff, one of them cried. I definitely would have really killed them about that. One of them cried?

Yeah. You can't be a felon and then cry at the scene of the crime. No, no, no, no, no, no. Like, imagine someone like- Do you think Ivan Milat killed someone and then cried afterwards? Actually, he probably did. He probably cries after a second. Yeah, imagine robbing a bank and then the cops being like, freeze.

They're like, oh. Just like, oh. Anyway, then I was riding behind them on the e-bike and I was like, I was like, just move. In pursuit or just going in the same direction? But they were covering the footpath and I thought, what's the most I can do when I've got my five-year-old? Because they could have had a knife. They have anything yeah i could be on the news

great for business and i was like riding past i was like move scared of them and i just kept riding off really fast anyway then i thought i went past the cafe and i gave them an update and pete and i were, fuck, we're over this. This is my suburb. You know what I mean? Not anymore. Thanks to my landlord. And then I sort of let the weekend go by. And then yesterday I popped in for a coffee at the cross thing. And Pete goes, they've struck again. They broke into the bike shop that's at the bottom of the street up here.

Are the cops going to sit back and just watch this happen? Essentially, that's what's happening. Surely at some point they've got to step in. I don't know. But this is where- Get Mr. Freeze out of jail and let him loose on the streets. He's not in jail. He's in rehab.

It's very different. Get him out of there. Enough's enough. He doesn't need the relapse, Matt. Anyway, so that's where the idea for the Vigilante Mums has come from. And I think it's a fucking solid idea if it's well written. And do you know who i think can write that show you because i like vigilante dads that's where i thought this is going look

honestly i thought yeah but i thought the mum idea makes it way funnier okay because when laura gets aggressive at something you've seen it get aggressive all the time it's kind of every night it's kind of comical sometimes when you look back and you're like. Not to me, bro. But I thought it would be funnier if it's the mums and then you and I play the husbands that are like kind of half trying to stop it but half entertained. Are we going to have to write in the sex scenes and be like, sorry, Laura and April, it's for the art of the show.

Yeah, they're like, why is there 12 sex scenes in this episode? Isn't it a comedy? And why is Isla Fisher and Margot Robbie playing your wives? I think it's a great idea, okay? Very good. Let it marinate. Sorry, I've just taken up 25 minutes of your time. Don't you dare apologize for giving the people 25 minutes of pure heaven.

If anyone is listening that knows how to produce, write a TV show, or would like to add to that idea. I feel like the majority of people listening are stuck right now with a baby in their arms or asleep in the room next to them. Dreaming about becoming vigilantes. This is for you. I did become sick, Ash. Yes, sorry. I did become sick, Ash. Yeah, sorry.

I did become sick. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Go. It was a flu. I don't know if flus ever happen like this for you, but- I don't get sick. You don't get sick. I don't know how you do it.

We said that last year and then I got sick for like a month straight. But every, like for three nights leading up to when it actually hit me and I got really sick, I'd get to four or five o'clock and I was just like, I so so cold so cold and like my back was getting really achy and pain oh fuck off do you know what do you know actually sorry before you continue with a sort of snuffly nose you sound much more like your mom it's offensive damn it no your mom's amazing i'm becoming her. But I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming. It was like, it was, imagine an orgasm, but it's horrible. And the buildup is over four days. That's what it was like.

I was like, when's it going to hit me? You're being edged for four days. And then on the Sunday, Ash, Sunday, I was like like it's got me yeah it's got me and we're driving back from a little weekend away for my birthday and normally i love to drive laura loves to just sit in the passenger seat and i said you've got to drive home and i was sitting there and no disrespect to laura she's very caring but i was fucking dying i was it was bad when the king falls the he falls hard i've noticed that and laura was like like halfway home and she's like what are you doing and i'm just there like melting in the passenger seat and i'm

like i'm just like on instagram and she's like we can you like you're gonna talk to me and i was like i'm fucking dying she's like yeah but if like, you're going to talk to me? And I was like, I'm fucking dying. She's like, yeah, but if you're on Instagram, you could talk to me. It's like. That's kind of fair. Now what? Even just, maybe not even, maybe just be there to listen.

Because if you're like this, you're not listening. No, dude, I was dying, dude. I was dying. Look, it's fair on both sides scrolling is like the it takes like zero energy or mental capacity to scroll that's true listening to laura as be careful with your words here as much as i love her i just didn't have it in me okay but the issue was i don't know if you've seen the new covid tests that have come no covid doesn't exist anymore that's what i thought but the tests no one's testing anymore the tests have improved someone just come up to you suck on the end of this and i'll tell you if you're positive or not laura was worried that i

had covid and i was like fuck it could be covered i feel pretty weird so she's like try this new test and the test is it doesn't the test just doesn't test for COVID. It tests for multiple things. She's like, try this new test. Don't make me laugh. But I was saying to Laura, I was like, Laura, I've never experienced an illness like this. It's like the strain of COVID has mutated and it's unlike anything

I've experienced before. I hope to God you don't get this because it's awful. I can't think. I can barely move. Classic man flu. I'm bedridden. I could barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom, Ash. I would wish upon no one what I've been through.

What about my landlord? Except for ****. Yeah, **** you. And so Laura then after that day, she was like, you've got to test for COVID because I think it could be COVID. And was like it's definitely covered who knows what else i've got anyway we do the test which tests for covid influenza and the flu okay okay so i do the test and we're sitting there i've got my head in my hand and i'm like oh god when will this end the first test comes through COVID negative. Oh.

And I'm like, that's good. That's good. I don't want COVID. But I'm like the flu influenza. Maybe I've got the double. Influenza comes through negative. And I'm like, surely, surely. Give me one of them.

The flu. One line comes up. I'm waiting. I'm like, okay, surely. Give me one of them. The flu. One line comes up. I'm waiting. I'm like, okay, give another five minutes. Negative across all fronts. This test is like he's being a little bitch. It's like the worst form of gambling. You're like, come on.

Give me one of them. Give me one of them. Nothing. Nothing. And Laura's there looking at me and I'm like, it's- You're just like disheveled. Give me another test. Again, negative across all fronts.

Oh, my God. So you're completely fine. Then I'm like, am I sick? I am sick. Oh, yeah. I am sick. It's obvious. I've been in bed for the last three days.

So just general cold. Glad you asked. It was,. I've been in bed for the last three days. So just general cold. Glad you asked. It was, Ash, just a general cold. But you didn't see any medical advice. Not according to the fucking test these days. Oh, my God. Whoever's making these tests, they're fucking faulty. They need to add something on there.

It's just like sympathy. Yeah. Very good. But it's also like I'm now, i've only just come out to the big wide world you know when you've been cooped up i've literally not left the house for three days i'm like it's fucking crazy like yeah dude i'm re-acclimatizing to like the real world and it's it's not been easy it's like in those i've come out of jail it's like in those movies where it's like a catastrophic storm hits and everyone's gonna bunker down for ages the day after tomorrow

and then they're like it's free to come out and you're like come out and there's like complete carnage and you're like is that what the sun looks like you come out the weather's beautiful it is it's a good day to be out it's a good day to be out but ash not to catastrophize my situation anymore. And let this just be a warning to any parents out there because right now there is an epidemic happening. I'm familiar. It's an epidemic on a national scale. And honestly, it's a dirty one. It's fucking gastro.

Yeah, it could get real bad. It's gastro yeah it could get real bad it's gastro bro i know it's gastro if you right now i'm saying it's worse than covid i'd say it's worse it's worse than the plague we could use a plague there's a few people i'd like to just fucking drop dead in the streets out there you really have right now ash right now except for laura and ellie they're the two who haven't been sick but as i was dying my own i was you know fighting my own personal battles lola starts vomiting oh yeah bro it's so yeah and like coming out both ends bro like when she goes to the toilet it's just like having a kid with gastro and you're 100% healthy is bad enough. And I can't imagine.

I think, yeah, that's right. The other day you were like, I was on the phone and you were like, hey, bro, how's that? How are you going? I was like, yeah, good. Then I heard it. I was like, see ya. Laura's told the story on Life Uncut.

So if you're coming from Life Uncut, apologies. You're about to hear it. I'm going to retell it. But with maybe some quick little one-liners from me. Yeah. Even better. So Lola often comes into our bed and she was like, Mommy, Daddy.

I'm there like, you know, I'm fucking. Go away. And I'm working. It was pitch black. So it's, you know, middle of the night. And I was like, what the fuck is that smell? And you know when you're like the smell almost creeps into your dream first and you was like what's wrong what the fuck is that smell and you know when you like the smell almost creeps into your dream first and you're like what the hell she has

come in and she's been marinating in her own shit she's just shit is everywhere it is like drenched in it it's like she's been swimming in a pool of shit and then she's come to us being like help yeah oh and so you know at two in the morning stripping her bed then getting her washed gastro shit's got like a smell to it it's not quite shit smell yeah it's like because it hasn't digested into shit it's just coming out of where the shit comes out yeah you're about to get your mind blown gone it kind of felt like i was leading up to something really really really profound it's not but it's like i'm just going to give my opinion on it it's not digested enough this could be wrong i'm not a medical doctor

it's not digested yet doctor yes i could be a doctor uh anyway uh it's not quite digested so it's like that liquidy biley smell yeah where it's like it's just passing through where the poo usually goes so it's just getting the residual poo from the anus but it's actually like it's like vomit you are a fucking doctor it's like vomit it's got that weird smell it's like i can imagine her's got that weird smell. It's like I can imagine her, the poor thing, being in bed with it. Oh, man. And she might have shit herself without knowing and still slept through it.

Yeah, I know. Continue. So, yeah, no, you understand. I appreciate the sympathy that you're giving me. I'm painting the picture for everyone. Can I also just say as someone yourself who has got healthy kids, you don't know how good you've got it, bro. You don't know what life is like when they get ill yeah touch wood and then she missed three days of daycare and then i was

like she's good she's eating again she's fine poos weren't quite there but we're like we're gonna send her back into daycare because she was at home and you know she was getting fucking bored just being at home and i couldn't laura was away for work i couldn't do much with them senator daycare and then the rule at daycare is one diarrhea that's okay two diarrhea you're fucking out of there bro two diarrhea rule the double diarrhea what about a third one third one so then yeah it wasn't long lola then shed herself twice had to go pick her up the next day ash it's happened what marley's been struck down marley's been with the fucking plague you are deep in it my friend i'm deep in it bro but still tested negative to everything else i can i just say as well ash i wouldn't wish an illness onto anybody other than ***.

As a parent, it's very tough to sit back and watch your children be unwell, as I'm sure you can appreciate. So sad. You know, you want them to be out there living their best life, happy. All kids should be out there living their best life. Absolutely they should. I'm going to put that on a T-shirt ash except kids except when they are sick yeah it is nice to get a bit of peace and quiet sometimes well they're very cuddly oh very cuddly and then also sleepy it's kind of nice

sometimes so you're like yeah you're like oh makes you sleep again damn let me get a laptop out marley's very cuddly at the moment yeah okay very very cuddly she's pretty cuddly anyway she's yeah so even if she culls me i know that's saying a lot yeah but this morning she did have a vomit this morning i just don't want to freak you out but she had this moment where she becomes so like. It was a beautiful moment. Before. While she was vomiting, she was like, she goes, I just love this family so much. The drama.

The drama of it. And I was there. I was holding it. She's vomiting in the little Tupperware container. I'm holding her hair. And this is pretty early in the morning. It was justware container i'm holding her hair and this is pretty early in the morning i was just me and the kids and then lola's watching on and because she's been vomiting so much it's just you know those last bits of vial and she must have a six-pack

she yeah she's absolutely diced right now and then l ripped. And then Lola's there going, I don't want to see Marley like this. And then Marley looks over and she goes, Lola, look away. And Lola's like, no man left behind. I'll come back for you, I swear. So it was a beautiful moment this morning. Before the vomit. Yeah, before the vomit. During the vomit.

That's it. They get real emotional before that. It's like when i told you that story about oscar spewing back up into the donut king cup yeah yeah and he was like i'm cold i was like oh yeah he was like i love you like their body's like i think i think this is it. I better get my last goodbyes in. So right now Marley's still in recovery. Lola's having a fucking awful time because she's just had an entire week of eating chips in front of the TV, had her dummy the whole time.

The rules in the household, the routine is just non-existent anymore. And then this morning i was like who wants to get dressed for daycare and she's like what bitch i'm on holiday so it was fucking hell this morning trying to get back into the normal routine and where is marley at home marley's at home with nana with nana no marley's home with nana yeah so i wish her a very speedy recovery. Dude, I wish you don't get this illness. And I think you will. You are in my house. You are.

I'm in the house. I guarantee you I won't. It's all here, my friend. It's all mental. It's where I'm at right now. Okay. I'm in my- That's what I thought.

I've turned into an empath and I'm zen as fuck. Yeah, you're fucking zen and arrogant. Yes. And red. Yeah. Okay. Let's go into petty couples. couples okay give the people what they want petty couples walking down the street petty couples they kinda like to meet dirty couples i love you but i'm immature No one can push me quite like you. Anyway, Petty Parents.

Matt, if Laura's going to not take your illness seriously, then you can use these, okay? She has been a little bit sympathetic. I don't want to treat Laura like- You don't want to be petty. That's what you're saying. Can I actually, I will say, just to like, we are in petty couples, but shout out to Laura.

Gave me a blowjob last night. What? Yeah. Get out. Yeah. How? Well, she was like, I don't want to get your illness. And so she's like, don't kiss me.

Let me give you a blowjob. And was like okay all right but i'm like why did we not talk about this earlier okay here's a question okay here's the question segment or no okay okay here's a question if you're a doctor listening please let us know if this is like something that happens. If I'm sick, I do have the flu, regardless of what the test says. If Laura tastes my semen, does the semen hold any of the germs? Could you get someone's flu from taking their semen? Because that means that your potential children, if they're in that semen, would be sick. I think we're really opening up a can of worms here. Okay, let us know.

Yeah, I think that's a very valid question. I heard that jizzing makes you recover. That's something that some guys said. That's a pub chat. I believe that. That's pub chat. That's pub chat. So it's just like, I've got number five on the next race.

Also, do you know the semen helps you recover? Sorry, petty couples. We apologize. We'll get back onto regular programming. This one's from Maddie and she says, she'll pick up night shift when her husband's annoying her. So he has to look after the kids while she gets some sleep. Very good.

Night shift again. Sorry. What a nightmare. I've got a whole week of night shift this week. This one is from Abby. He says that her husband likes to game a lot. Gamer. He's a gamer.

Got it. Red flag. No. Sorry. Whoa. I apologize. Do not. No.

If you're over 30, you've got kids and you're gaming, something's wrong. No, it's not. Anyway, my opinion. There, I said it. Okay. What do you play? None of your business. What are you up to?

Sport Patrol. She says that when he's been playing too much, she'll secretly turn off the Wi-Fi so it'll stop the game. And she'll pretend like she doesn't know what happened. He would hate that. Like it's just a little glitch with the network. Or you just flick it on and off. Yeah. And be like, I didn't touch it.

How weird. You hear the power boy go. Very good. It's like, look, he could be a gamer or he could be a golfer. Which one would you prefer? Mums out there should be happy that he's a gamer because if he was a golfer, he'd be gone for fucking six hours on a Saturday morning. Those who are golfing and gaming, fuck.

They're what you call virgins. Okay. I just want to give you a couple that I'm working with at the moment that I think people can use out there or people are using as well. And they don't think that it's petty, but it is. Okay. Go on. The first one is kind of mean at the same time. They're all mean, aren't they?

Yeah, they're all mean. When April forgets to towel for the shower and quite often she forgets to take a towel in with her. That's annoying. Yeah, but she'll go, I'll hear the tap turn off and then she'll go, oh, fuck. And I was like, yeah. She was like, I need a towel.

I'm like, what? And I know the water's off and it's winter, so it's getting colder in there. And I let her just shiver for a little while and let her call out a few times for the time how many times a little while until she goes i'm cold and i'll be like is it cold is it and then eventually i'll give her a towel you are before we recorded we're talking about psychopaths we were dude get yourself tested because that's do you know how hard that would be to get tested as a psychopath i'm trying to get yourself tested because that's do you know how hard that would

be to get tested as a psychopath i'm trying to get tested for adhd and it is so hard is it maybe that's maybe that's part of the test like if you can't complete the test like you got add oh my god you just blew my mind and the next one i'm working on at the moment is very light switch related there's two i do one if april's at the moment is very light switch related. There's two I do. One, if April's in the toilet at night, I'll just reach my hand in and turn the light off. It's because she can't get up. Fuck, you're a child. Oh, yeah, because I get the don't.

It's just straight up. And the other one is when she wants to walk from the door to the bed at night and she'll be like, can you just turn the lamp on so I can see? She wants to turn the main light off and she'll turn the main light off and then I'll turn the lamp off when she's mid-walk. Find your way here, babe. Actually, I did one actually just on that really quick. I just jogged my memory on the thing.

When we were living without kids, we were pre-kids, and you know how like sometimes you like to pretend to scare your partner? Yeah. Anyway, I took it a little bit too far. I was in bed with the light off and I was awake. I pretended to be asleep. She came in, she put her phone on charge and then she went to the bathroom and I got up and I hid behind the door.

So when she came in, I was gone and then I just pushed the door shut. She cried. Anyway, that's just a quick short story. There's one more here. I'm just going to give it to you. If it's no good, I will edit it out. But this one is from Treznor. That's the last name for sure.

Treznor Brown. She says, she gets the shits with her husband because he never ever brings back his takeaway containers, like the shits with her husband because he never, ever brings back his takeaway containers, like the Tupperware containers when he has his lunch at work. Okay. She packs the lunch. He leaves it there.

That's annoying. Tupperware is expensive. Yeah, that shit. Like you can never find the lid. So then she cooks really saucy dishes and puts it in Ziploc bags. Like soup? So recently she did curried sausages with mashed potato in a Ziploc bags. Like soup. Recently, she did curried sausages with mashed potato in a Ziploc bag for his lunch.

Yeah, that's good gear. Good, good, good. I like that. That'll get him. That'll learn him. I like it. Good. I've got a new question.

Okay, questions. I've got a new question. Questions. Sorry, this episode's taken way longer than we thought. It was still a quick episode. Not when Ash is not drinking. Oh, yeah. A question for you is, you know, we've previously talked about the things

that we can do to come across as like more sexual or more appealing to our partners. Is there anything that your wife does that really turns you on? Here's one that got me, actually. I'm glad you asked this question. Here's one that really me actually i'm glad you asked this question here's one that really i was surprised i was i was shocked anyway we went down the park the other day with the football and the oscars love and football at the moment so kicking the football running around anyway just out of the blue and there's i think there's nothing sexual about being at the park no or is there there's a lot of phallic shapes.

Anyway, I kicked the football and April took off after it and she was like a gazelle, but she was in quite a nice fitting workout outfit. Just the stride on the woman really got me going. I was like, whoa. It was like, I can't, whoa, I'm getting flustered. Just your wife in like full stride. Yeah. In an open paddock.

Yeah. Is that weird? No, that's not weird at all. How are you going to go with the Olympics? It's safe to say she got some that night. Mate, the Olympics is coming up. Yeah. No doubt what you're going to be watching.

I was like, whoa. Are you more of a 100 metres kind of guy or like a 400, 800? We'll get able to run both and see how I go. You know what it is for me? Yeah. And surely this is like, is it unanimous? Yeah. Unanimous decision.

Surely. Everyone gets. Everyone feels this way if laura comes out of the shower like she's just like she's like still dripping a towel on steamy bit steamy that's like that's you that's me bro that's me done you and me are so different you're like april's they're like sweating in full stride yeah heart rate heart rates at 150 i was just like oh well it's probably her ass jumping up and down that's probably what it was when you like really gets into the nitty-gritty of it but at full pace babe if it was like now it's like she knew this well she's gonna find out she's gonna hear this and then she's just like she's just running around the house all the time

up and down the stairs ah anyway yeah that's good that's good gear where'd you get that Well, she's going to find out. She's going to hear this. And then she's just running around the house all the time. Up and down the stairs. Anyway, yeah, that's good. That's good gear. Where did you get that question from? I was just thinking about it because I got the blowjob yesterday. Oh, you should get a steam machine. A little steamer.

Yeah, because then you could be like, oh, I'm not really feeling it. Hang on a second. Also, with Laura, she normally just washes her feet at nighttime. So I'm like, please have a shower. And she's like, do you think I'm dirty? And I'm like, no, just do it. It's really nice. If you're going to wash your feet, do it with really hot water.

And she has a shower at night time. It's a little treat for me. Fuck, we're weird. We are weird and simple. The simple little things. Last question for today, and then we'll let the listeners get back to their day. Now, April and I are going on holidays soon. Not until October.

But we did the same holiday last year, if you recall. Went to Bali with a couple of couples. Must be nice, bro. Must be nice. You can talk. The couple numbers have doubled. How many? There's like six or seven couples now.

Fucking hell, that's a... Yeah. We're taking them over Bali. Yeah. Yeah. All from the mother's group? Mother's group and a couple of other couples. That's a Yeah We're taking over Bali Yeah Yeah All from the mothers group? Mothers group And a couple other couples That's nice

I like that Yeah Look at you guys Sorry for not inviting you Yeah The seventh couple Being like What's the problem?

The problem is It's not a problem It's a question I've got Which is the question segment Of the show Just not sure if you We've done very well This makes a lot of sense the question is at night time the kids go to bed much earlier

obviously you're all in like a resort style situation is it okay okay to put the kids to bed and then leave them in the room and go and enjoy maybe a drink or dinner like one-on-one with the group monitor of course you've got a monitor on them or whatever you can still see them so you're not going not leaving leaving okay but you are going to go say to the restaurant downstairs say downstairs or on the same level look fuck bro do you know where my wine goes madeline mccann yeah i know i know but that was that was different times too they did not have a model i feel like back then that was just before that case i feel like that was wrong everyone did it yeah everyone used to leave their kids in the car while they're at the pub at the front think of all the pub babies i miss the good old days you're playing the car park we're parenting in the wrong era seatbelts heaven uh we did in that little trip

away we had lola sleeping in one of the end rooms of the house there's a fire pit that was on like the other side and we would just with laura's phone call my phone but put laura's phone in the room and then i would have my phone on speaker so if she woke up we could hear it yeah yep yep yep and i think like even that made us anxious like i was like oh my god april was like nah i can't do that i feel like if you're in range of the monitor we'll just do a hypothetical scenario you've got a ground level room yeah okay which is a lot of in bali because there's pools and all sorts of stuff you put your kids to sleep you've got a monitor on them and then the restaurant is within monitor range so i'm here sitting with you having dinner here's the monitor we're having our adult time before we suck each other's dicks and then the kids are sorry i had to put that in there you're in range

of a ground level what's the range of a baby monitor because i've never used one i'm glad you asked it varies it would vary from brand to brand i'd say let's say it's 50 meters let's say it's 50 meters yeah yeah 50 meters is fine that's okay oh fuck i don't know i would like to know what people thought because honestly i don't want i'm not going to throw anyone on the bus because everyone parents differently everyone's got a different opinion we're not going to throw anyone on the bus because everyone parents differently. Everyone's got a different opinion. We're not here to judge. We're not here to judge. We're here to learn. I think personally, if you're within range of the baby monitor, it's play on. Yeah.

Okay. Because you could be at the backyard of my house. My kids are at the other end of the house asleep and I'm within range of the baby monitor. And I hear them. I see them. They need me. I'm there within an instant. But also, do you know what a better option is?

Just get one of those babysitters. I know. But then also, then you're trusting a complete stranger in a different country in the room with them. You just don't think about it. Just block it out. Don't think about it. Yeah.

Okay, so this is my call out to those who are listening to finish off this amazing pod that we've just done. One of our best. One of our best, I would say. They're all our best. This is top of the list. Give us your thoughts. What's the the rule what's the rule of thumb yeah we'll put it we'll put a video out i'll put it on the facebook group so that you can give us

what you think or if you've got any tips on that what to do it's probably just like don't leave your kids yeah we've got plenty of time to figure out what is the right thing to do before october yes for sure ash i do want to take this opportunity to say to anyone out there listening who hasn't yet given us a review, we would love it if you would subscribe to us. We would love that as well. I would love it even more if you would send this episode to anyone out there who may have a giggle at us talking about TV show concepts and getting blowjobs and getting horny in the park.

Also, don't steal my idea. Do not take that idea. I'll find you. Ash, you have to get out of here because you're going surfing. Oh, yeah. Must be nice. Must be nice. Must be nice not to be sick all the time.

Must be nice. I've forgotten what that feels like to be out there. You'll come good. I'll go bad. You'll come good and then we'll get to use that surfboard that you bought. I've not yet used it. I know. Let's get out of here.

Have you waxed it up yet? No. No. Hey, guys, thank you for having us. See you next week. Bye. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country

throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea, and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.