Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #83 Are you a Folder, a Scruncher or a Raveller?

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

We're warning you.. human faeces get's a red hot crack in this episode.  After a quick update on Ash's rental situation, we get straight into the important stuff. Are you a folder, a scruncher or a raveller? If you're confused on what a 'raveller' is.. you're not the only one. For reference, Ash is the raveller. Matt's a folder but he's just discovered Marlie is a scruncher. The horror ! The dads also discuss the most effective position to wipe your child's bum post toilet trip. Plus.. DONNA IS PREGNANT! A huge shout out to one of our most beloved listeners who told us they're now expecting their second.  Plus, we tackle your questions! Can you be friends with your kid as well as be a good parent? Are your kids still having a baby bottle at night time? Make sure you share your best Parenting Lies with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Come to the movies with us: https://bit.ly/3ziTTBa Buy our book: https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Can I say one thing? If I say no, will you not do it? I went upstairs to your bedroom just now. I may have snooped around. Did you sniff my undies? Absolutely. Nice. Also, whilst I was mid-sniff, I looked at your bed and noticed that it's very big.

What size is that? That is a super king. That must be delightful. It is good. It's nice to sleep in a different postcode. Hey must be delightful. It is good. It's nice to sleep in a different postcode to April. Are you the left? Are you left side? I'm closest to the window, closest to an intruder.

Love that. So shocked. When you're having sex, do you normally favour the left side, middle, or where do you end up? I'm asexual, actually. That is not true at all. You're an absolute hornbag i am not can smell your erection from here that i probably should see a doctor about that Welcome back to Two Doting Dads.

I am Matty J. And I am Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And if you've come wanting any type of advice, any crumb, any slither. Steer clear.

We don't give it. We never will, never have, never intend to. Must leave that generic statement at the front just in case. So. Where do we begin? Where do we begin? Before we begin, we just want to acknowledge Stone and Wood. And I was drinking a Stone and Wood on tap at the airport yesterday

and we always talk about best places for a beer, airport beer. It's top shelf. Oh, it's up there with shower beer. What time, Ash? Because you had a very early flight. Did you have a morning beer? Look, I was tempted, but I did have a big day ahead of me yesterday. So, no, I did have one on the way back as like a little,

you've finished the day today, you're on your way home, commuting home, and, yeah, had a nice Pacific ale on tap. By yourself? Were you sitting in the other way? Just a solo Stone and Wood. Oh, that's heaven. And I even just had my noise-cancelling headphones in with nothing on, just enjoying the silence and tasting every aroma of that Pacific stone and wood.

It's an absolutely delightful drop. It is. So cheers to you. If I may just one second, Ash. Cheers. Cheers. I was going to say even better than an airport beer is when I get to sit here with a mic in front of me, in front of my favorite co-host.

Your only co-host. That you know of. Oh. Sipping a Stonewood out of a can, which we don't often do. And for the last time in this house. Yes. I am being moved on. Before we do move on, though, thank you to Stonewood,

as always, for making these episodes possible. But I am mid-move. As you can see, there's a little bit going on how are you feeling i'm fucking over it to be honest yeah i rang you last night i was fucking you had a vent i had a really big van i'm just so off it i'm off it i just there's just everything happens at once why can't it just be, Ash, you need to move out of your house at some point in the next couple of months. Okay, cool.

Not, hey, get out. And then he's bullshitted to us that he wants to sell it. That's garbage. That's just, just man up, you fucking peahut, wrinkly old cunt. Yes. Okay. I love the passion. Got that out.

It is a nightmare. Can I just say you guys are doing a great job. Oh, thank you. Doing a great job. I can only begin to appreciate how stressful life is right now for you guys, especially because you're also going away next week. Going away next week, yes. On a work trip.

It's not a work trip. It's on a cruise ship. But I am working. What's the house that you're seeing? Just a friend of ours, they're moving away And it happens to be around about the same time we get back from this trip Can they do the old like cheeky handball to you So you don't have to do like

Well they own it So it could work out really well Fingers crossed April's happy Because that's all that matters to me Have you been there to the house before? I've been there before, but I was on the pier, so I can't remember what it was like. And everyone was like, have you been there?

I was like, no, I've never been there. Because if I'd have said yeah and I was on the pier, she would have been like, tell me, was it square metreage, blah, blah, blah. But we are going up today to have a look at it. They're going to cut us a deal. I mean, it's, you know, they're moving away as like a trial as well so it's where they're moving to they're moving just up the coast a little bit couple hours up the coast okay how do you feel then about your friend becoming your landlord i tell you right now anyone would be better than the current

landlord i have now donald trump would be better than the fucking current landlord I have now. The guy I have now is the absolute bottom feeder of human race there is. And if he's listening, and I know he's got kids that are my age too that live in the area. If they're listening, I fucking hate you and – Anyway. Let us know how you really feel. Don't hold back. No, they just – he was here the other day like walking around like giving-

He came here. He was here. Why did he come here? They had to fix the beam. He made April cry. He's just a fuckwit. Why doesn't he fix the beam after you guys are gone? Because it's a long story, but it's a piece of shit.

Yeah. He's like, I'm thinking about just selling it. And then he's like, I've got the builders coming to fix what I complained about. Now that I'm moving out, he's going to fix it. Something doesn't add up. Something's a bit off here. I hope the place burns down. But not impacting the neighbors.

No, fuck the neighbors too. Okay, fuck yeah. Fuck them. I'm just, I'm off it. Fuck them. I'm off it. Are you off me? No, I'm off them.

Good. I'm off everyone. I love you. But you and April. I said, I love you. Thank you. I love you too. Fuck, that made me say it again. One more time. I love you. But you and April. I said I love you. Thank you, I love you too. Fuck, that made me say it again. One more time.

Hey, you were on the sunny coast. I did fly a couple of things. Look at your fucking stories. And I was like, are you smuggling a bomb on the plane? What is that? I did get some funny looks. I've never done this before. I took a carry-on cake home with me from the sunny coast.

So, yesterday I did go to the Sunny Coast to see our good friend Andy Cooks to do a baking video, which will be really fun when it comes out as YouTube. We might get Matty J involved next time because I know that you probably know your way around a cake. Very good

baker. Really enjoy my baking. I didn't picture you as being much of a baker. Andy was impressed and honestly- What was your task? You know, I'm not a perfectionist like you. I am far from it and I'm quite happy with that. I'm happy with that about me. I like that we're

not both like that. There's one of us can be like, yeah, it's all right. And the other one can be like, no, we need to redo it because it sort of brings us both into line in some way. We meet in the middle. We meet in the middle a lot and that's good. I like that. But with cake, with frosting a cake, all of a sudden I'm the Matty J of caking. And I'm like-

I'm rubbing off on you. I even said it to Andy. I'm like, who am I? It was like my ADHD just went. I was just like, I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. He's like trying to move us on and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Maybe you found your secret calling. I couldn't do it every day.

You don't reckon? No. Look, I have a lot of respect for cake decorators and bakers because it's very- It's really therapeutic. I feel like cake decorators don't get the recognition they deserve. I know. Absolutely. It's just about-

Took the words right out of my mouth. So, although- You took the words right out of my mouth. Anyway, we can sing later. There's two things. It's very therapeutic, I find. Yeah, it's nice to focus on something, an activity. It's not too strenuous.

But also it's a nice little sweet treat every now and then if you like. A little pep me up. You know, boom, done. But also I couldn't do it every day because I feel like I would get stuck with my own thoughts for too long. I did actually for a brief period this is before i like was on reality tv i what show were you on for those of you who don't know i was on a show called beauty and the beast oh i thought it was called just the

tip there he is there he is i worked for I can't remember the name of the magazine. They were a food mag and I was just like an assistant, like a little bitch, if you will. And we just made food. We would make like six dishes. A day? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we would shoot them all and then we'd like finish one,

shoot it onto the next. And just eat? Oh, yeah, I ate nonstop. But it was, I couldn't do that. Couldn't do it. It was nice to dabble in the world. But not to do it every day. No, no.

It's not- it does take- I mean, like, for pastry chefs, first of all, you're not real chefs. And second of all, the things you do, you do. I love how, like, the pendulum swings so quickly from praising these people to now just, like, so quickly attacking them. I can't give them all- I can't give them all. I can't give them everything. I can't give them everything. The cake decorators?

Fantastic. Keep up the good work. Pastry chefs? Fuck you. Get a real job. No, apparently there is a beef between pastry chefs and real chefs. Is there? There is, but look.

Says who? The chef I was with yesterday, Andy Cook. But he's got a lot of respect for them. He has to say that so it doesn't get cancelled. But I don't. But I do got a lot of respect for them. Well, he has to say that so it doesn't get cancelled. But I don't. But I do in different ways. Anyway, whatever. Enough about that.

Well, I made a cake and then I bring it back on an airplane. Do you put it on your lap or do you overhead? It was a seat. You put it on the seat? It was a spare seat. Perfect. The guy next to me was like, what's going on here? Because what kind of cake was it?

It was a red truck cake. Lovely. Has Oscar seen the cake? Yeah, this morning he got to see it. So, I red truck cake. Lovely. Has Oscar seen the cake? Yeah, this morning he got to see it. So I got home late last night. Has he tried the cake? He got some in his lunchbox today, a little treat. Love that.

Yeah, it's going to be lovely for him. But I did have to fly out, fly back on the same day. And you know how taxing that can be on the body and the mind. There needs to be some kind of endurance race that's like four flights in a day. There would be. It's called the Amazing Race. Continue. Carry on.

We should do the Amazing Race. Fuck no. Why? Wouldn't you do it with me? No. No way. Why? Absolutely.

We thought we'd travel well together. Yeah, that's if we're just like going to like an airport and one day- What do you think would happen? We'd kill each other We'd kill each other Would we really? We would fucking attack each other I didn't know you thought about that

No, I mean that in like a nice way We would kill each other with niceness That's lovely It'd be a nice chance to get away from our kids Yeah, in the most stressful environment possible It would make us better We'd become closer We would

We can't get any closer. The only way we could get closer if we start having sex. Well, maybe. Anyway, I had to go up and back in the same day. And as you know, that's a bit tricky because you've got to go early. I'm about 45, 50 minutes from the airport. Anyway, so in the morning, I got up and I went. It was fucking freezing.

Can I add? It's a sunny coast. No, no, here. Sorry. Here was freezing I went. It was fucking freezing. Can I add? It's a sunny coast. No, no, here. Sorry. Here was freezing. Here. And here was freezing. Anyway, where does that accent come from?

I was like, oh, maybe I'll just book a later flight. I didn't. I got up and I went. And I got to the airport and I was really- thought I was really running late. And then I got there and people were boarding. It wasn't final call, they were boarding, and I thought, brilliant, I need to shit. So I went to the toilet right next to the gate.

Lucky, perfect, right next to the gate. Walk in, sit down, do my business. I did it a little bit quicker than I would have thought, or that I would usually because I need to get on this flight. And I hear, as every time i fly i hear them calling last call and they call the names of the people they're waiting for in that moment where you heard your name being called on the pa system where were you at in the process of the shit had you finished the poo was the poo still coming out it has just completely fallen out

of my rectum okay great, great. Into the bowl. Great. Because that would be very stressful if you kind of knew that you still, you know, you were halfway through it leaving your body. Yeah. But I heard the name and I went, perfect, I'm done, right? Let's just pray to the poo gods that it's like a one or two wipe scenario. Well, I looked over to where the toilet paper is.

Empty. Oh, fuck. over to where the toilet paper is. Empty. Oh, fuck. And I'm in a public toilet. So, I can't just like get up off the toilet, yell out, Oscar, bring me some toilet paper. Did you try? I was like, Oscar! Couldn't hear me from the airport.

Oscar's here at home going, dad's in trouble. There's no one else in the toilet. No one else in this particular toilet. It's very early in the morning and everyone's boarding the flight. Yeah, so just like open the door, shuffle or just pull your pants up. I thought, what am I going to do? As you do, that goes through your mind. What am I going to do?

So, I poke my head out just to see if anyone's there, just to see if I could do the pants around the ankle shuffle, right, to the stall to see if there's any toilet paper. I don't know if there's any toilet paper in the one next to me at this day. And then I'm thinking, if I do this mission, is someone going to walk in and see my fucking pooey asshole as I'm shuffling to the next stall? And is it worth it? Why don't you just pull your pants up? I didn't want to get shit on my pants. I'm going to be the guy who smells like shit. But then surely

I just- Look, it's 5.30 in the morning, bro. I've poked my head out. Okay, let me just run you through the story and then you can give me your criticism. Yeah. I poked my head out to see. I weighed up the option of whether to do the awkward shuffle where you're like, because you can't, you know. I didn't want to pull my pants up because I didn't have any carry on.

I had nothing. It was just me. I was stunk like shit for the whole day. if I got shit on any part of my clothing. I think surely you can just like- You can step in a way where your ass cheeks don't completely close. How much control of your ass cheeks do you have? Buy me a drink and you'll find out. Very good.

And you know how interesting my asshole is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's hemorrhoid ridden. Ridden. Easy on. I'm very good now. It's been downgraded from ridden. So, but I thought, look, at 5.30 in the morning,

I don't want someone walking in, seeing me mid-shuffle and seeing my pooey arse crack. Fair. Don't need that. Not at 5.30 in the morning, I don't want someone walking in, seeing me mid-shuffle and seeing my pooey ass crack. Fair. Don't need that. Not at all. So, I decided to just sit down, take a deep breath and have a think about it, what I'm going to do. And then I hear my name being called again.

And I'm like, this is getting dire. This is getting really dire. And then- It would be a fucking shame to miss your flight. Because of this. Yes. And I've poked my head out again thinking, okay, I can make it. I can make it. I can make it.

Is anyone coming? I've gone to go and I heard someone coming. So, I've shut the door. I shut the door again. And I thought, oh, fuck. And I just went, I opened the door again and this guy's doing a piss in the urinal across from me. Fine. And I was like, oi.

And he went, his head just went and i went and he turned around and i was like come here i was like hey can you just check there's no toilet paper in here i'm trying to explain at five three in the morning he was like i was like there's no toilet paper in here can you just check the stall next to me if there's any toilet paper in there and he's like yeah yeah so he finished doing his wee or whatever. I went and washed his hands. Very hygienic. And he came back and he went into the stall and I could hear him. So, there is some in there.

And he was like, how much do you need? Not often you get asked that question. I was like, just enough so that I could even just clear the residual and then I can maybe- How long is a piece of string? Yeah, yeah. I was like, just give us whatever you think. And he was like- Two squares.

No, no. He gave us a bit of a ravel, whatever. And handed it off just give us whatever you think. And he was like, all right. Two squares. No, no. He gave us a bit of a ravel, whatever, and handed it off to me. I've closed the door, locked the door. He's then left. He's not going to hang around and listen and wait to see if I need any more. He might. No. And he was like, I was like, thank you, mate.

You're a fucking legend. You're a lifesaver. And he was like, no worries, Cobb. Kept moving. And then I was like, all right. Went, rolled it up so it's nice to give myself a nice wipe to see what i'm working with because you don't know what you're working with right and i've gone and i've wiped no friction it was a clean snap

so that whole time i could yeah that whole time i could have just gone on with my day. Surely you would have known, though. No, you don't know. I'm not going to put my hand there because if I put my hand there, then I'm stuck with a shitty hand. But you have an inkling. I normally have some kind of sixth sense to know whether or not it's going to be like a one, two, six, or a ten wiper.

My interesting asshole is always going to be variable. It's just a roll of the dice. Anyway, so that whole 10, 15-minute stress point could have been avoided if I just had one square to check. I was standing there with a handful of toilet paper that was useless. You could have eaten dinner off your asshole. I could have. It was so clean.

There's so many people out there now going, I'd love to eat dinner off this guy's arsehole. Ew. Sickos. And then I got up. Obviously, I washed my hands even though I didn't need to. Went to the front desk and they were like, are you Andrew? I was like, no, I'm Ash.

And they're like, oh, yes, Ash too. There was still another guy behind me. So I was like, yes. He's the next cuticle. I've got no toilet paper. Anyways, I got on the plane, made it, made it to the sunny coast, did my thing with Andy, smuggled a cake back. Here I am.

Job done. Just quickly on wiping your ass, a weird thing has happened in my family. Are you a scruncher or are you a folder? No, I'm like a raveler. A raveler? Yeah, I'll show you. I'm just going to go and get some toilet paper. Please.

Should I pull my pants down? Yes. Okay. So, I'm very flirty today with you. Sorry, mate. What's your toilet paper of choice before I give you my answer? Quilton. Quilton.

Shout out to Quilton if you're listening. The good stuff. Product placement. I'm a raveler. And I feel like everyone only gives you two options. Yes. Folder or scruncher. Of course.

Why am I nervous? Have I just uncovered something here? I've never met a Ravler before. Okay. This is a Ravler. Some would say it's somewhat of a folder, but it's not. Okay. So I'm going to give you a demonstration.

Please. First of all, let's crack the seal. Yeah. I might need it. Fresh roll. Fresh roll. You can take this home with you if you like. Hang on. No, that's not right.

Let me start again. It needs to be tighter. More tension. Wow. I've never seen anything like that in my life. Yeah? Should we go again? Everyone's going to come home.

It's like, who's shitting here? It's a dog. Who taught you this? I'm a self-taught traveller. This is for all travellers out there. When someone says to you, don't misidentify me. Okay? Don't misidentify me.

Can I show you what I do? Are we going to do a dry run or a wet run? Wet one Everyone's going to be like Where the fuck is all this toilet paper? But then hang on Wait wait wait Very dainty

Wait So then I can do like I can wipe with that And then I can do like this And wipe again And then if I want to I can even go like a whoop Oh you're one of those people That would chain themselves to a tree aren't you? And then I can do like this. And wipe again? And then if I want to, I can even go like a whoop.

Oh, you're one of those people that would chain themselves to a tree, aren't you? I just think. Let me ask you this. Go on. That's how you do it when there's no tradies in the house. Now, if there's tradies in the house, what do you do? Exactly the same. No, you go.

It's like when you change your accent when you talk. It's like, yes, darling, yes. And then a tradie goes, how are you, mate? Yeah, bloody good, mate. I'm all right. And you're like. That's an attack on tradies. Okay, well, that's Marley wipes like a tradie.

Does she? Because she's still obviously now. She goes, it's Holland. She goes, dad, wipe my bum. Is that a tradie thing, is it? Come in. I'm like, all right, right touch toes wipe her bum and then she saw me folding as i just was just now following the toilet paper and she looks at me she's like what are you doing and i'm like i'm folding the toilet paper she goes scrunch it

so she was demanding the scrunch she's only a scruncher and i'm like oh my god maybe she could be a raveler. I'm going to start a movement. You've heard it here first. She is a pure scruncher. Fuck the raveling stuff. Don't you dare. That's discriminatory.

I don't like it. I feel like in the pyramid, the hierarchy of toilet paper, Folder is elite. I'd say Raveler is second. I'll take it. Scruncher is down the bottom. I'll take that. I'll take that. Now, I've got another question for you. Go on. We've really gone on a tangent here and I like it. Now, the wiping of the child's bum while they're on the toilet. You did just say touch your toes. Yes. Can you give me an example of how that would work? So, turn your chair.

That chair is the toilet. So normally, actually what I tend to do now. Is she standing, sitting? What's the deal? Yeah. So Harley will stand up like this. Yeah. She'll turn to the side.

Wow. Okay. Like that. But now I've gotten to the habit. I say, put your hands on my shoes. I think I know where you're going with this. Marley will like bend over, put her hands on my shoes, rest them there. Also, she's like a cat almost.

And then I want. Yeah, okay. So, I've got one for you. Hang on. Put your chair back out over there. I ask Oscar to lean forward towards me like this. Okay. And then he comes forward a bit, bang, like that. Head between my leg. And then I go like that.

What do you reckon? I've never been so aroused. But you lock him in. It's like a bull getting the horns cut like lock him in like by the head exactly right so when they like milk a cow when they milk a cow or what do they do is that how they kill a cow i don't know when they milk a cow or they they fist a cow is that what they do it now they fist it yeah yeah cow fist Sure. They lock their heads in so they can't wrangle away. Yeah, so I just do it like that.

What do you reckon? Very good. Very, very good. I like that a lot. I like that a lot. Thank you. Brilliant. I'll be using that with Laura.

That went off a bit tangent. That was a bit of a tangent. And I like that. And I'm all for it. We often, I feel like last year or beginning of this year, every episode was about shit. We had a little break from talking about shit. Now we're right back.

This whole episode is just about shit. In the sweet spot. I've been meaning to ask. I did ask you on text a couple of days ago, how is Macy? How is she? Is she doing okay? I know what you're referring to. So do you want to give a context or do you want me to give a context?

Can I say firstly, thank you for the tickets to Disney on Ice. That's okay. Our families came together to enjoy one hell of a show. An amazing show. Only one guy fell over on the ice. Which one? Oh, I don't know his name. That's my favourite part.

Just one guy. It was really quick. He recovered. They get up quick, don't they? They spring back up. They're very good. We had the families there. Kids were having a great time. And then don't know what

happened. I'll tell you what happened. Every dad who has a daughter, and you know it, daddy's little girl. Yep. And you're like, this is daddy's little girl. Macy's not my little girl anymore. And this is what's happened. She edged over to us.

She edged over looking for, it was quite late for a child of that age. Yeah. It was dark. It was dark. She edged over and I thought, she's coming over for a cuddle. She's getting tired. Yeah. She completely beelined past me and went to one Matthew Johnson.

And this has never happened before. We've never had a cuddle. Never. We've had like a little exchange every now and then, just like, hey, how are you? High five. That's a nice banana. You know, enjoy your lunch type chat.

Yeah. And that's been it. That's been it. But she's gone straight past me and onto your lap for a little cuddle. The relationship is just leaps and bounds. And all it took was a bit of Disney on ice. She was there for the whole second act. Well, she came. Yeah, we were sitting together. She came for a cuddle. The relationship is just leaps and bounds. And all it took was a bit of Disney on ice. She was there for the whole second act. Well, she came.

Yeah, we were sitting together. She came for a cuddle. Then she wouldn't leave. She stayed. And then when the show ended and you were like, I've got a wee. I went to take Macy off you. She was in mourning. Even Laura was like.

What the fuck? What? Yeah. She was like, That's never happened. Sometimes kids just have like, they just latch on to someone. And then she was like on my

shoulder like, and then he came back and she was like, and then again for another cuddle. Beautiful. And then April had to step in and she was like, oh. And then again for another cuddle. Beautiful. And then April had to step in and she sobbed all the way home. Yeah. She's never been the same. It was amazing.

Just because I said that we were walking back to the car and she was like, do you love Maddie Jane? She's like, yeah. And I was like, okay, that's cool. What about me? My biggest question is like, is that where we're at? Like, can I give her a cuddle when I see her next time? She'll be all over you, mate. Okay, that's cool. What about me? My biggest question is like, is that where we're at? Like, can I give her a cuddle when I see her next time? Yeah, she'll be all over you, mate. Okay, great.

Or should I play like, you know how I like thought I was at a place with Oscar where I could like- Kidnap him. I'll be heartbroken if I see Macy again and I go in for a cuddle and she's like, whoa, that was a one night only. Maybe just get down on her level. I'll ease into it. Go cuddle and then just see what happens.

Okay. She'll go straight there. It was very good, the show. Thank you once again. I only have one complaint about Disney on Ice. Yep. Not enough nudity. There was plenty. That and the fact that those little wands, those little light-up wands.

They're like 50 bucks. $55. Someone actually messaged me saying the lady behind us complained to her five-year-old daughter because she was waving her wand around. That's like the whole point of the show. Like what the fuck are you doing at Disney if you're complaining about that? That's right. Don't go to Disney.

It's like people saying it's too loud, there's too much dancing. There's too much Disney at that Disney show. Can I just say as well, we got pretty lucky that we were sitting a little bit further back because apparently those who are closer to the ice, it's freezing in there. Oh, it was at a beautiful temperature. It was lovely. Yeah, I actually took my jacket off.

I'm going to go over there. Ash has got no pants on. This temperature is delightful. I did dance. Yeah, it's like a bit of dancing. It was lovely. It was. It was good.

It was a good show. It was a lot of family fun for everybody. Before we go on to a new segment. Well, it's a resurgence of an old segment i do want to make reference to a situation that happened at our house that actually made it into the press i haven't seen that as made as i did see something i didn't pay a lot of attention laura had spoken about it on her podcast and we do have a few people that listen to Life Uncut, also listen to Two Dining Dads, and I do have to say they're a podcast which embellishes stories.

V is far away from the truth. We are the only podcast out there which- Hang on a minute. Focuses on the truth, nothing but the truth. Are you calling fake news? She's a fucking liar. She's a liar. What?

Fake news. What happened was the police were called to our neighbour. Rhonda. No other neighbour. Other side. This is with the shopping out the front. I saw the shopping. The shopping, bro.

That was Friday. Yes. I was there. Yeah. So, I'm part of the story. Yeah. Hey. Well, no one from of the story. Yeah. Hey. Well, no one from the media has reached out for comment because I did see the shopping.

Yes. And I thought, what do they got? I wasn't thinking anything other than what do they got? They got nothing good because I'm taking it. She never normally has a shopping net. And for those of you, sorry, who don't know, next to us, like shared wall, is an elderly lady. She must be in her 80s.

We rarely see her. She's been unwell. I've never seen her. Never seen her. Sometimes we're like, it's weird, dude. Sometimes we'll hear like, I remember one time I was going to bed, I was turning off the lights, it was maybe like 11 o'clock, and it was when the tennis was on the Australian Open.

And I thought, what's that noise that smell and i could just hear the tennis was on actually having a few times would never hear during the day it was only like 11 o'clock midnight i would hear the tv on her she a vampire i think she's a vampire bro wow yeah never met one and but that's the only time laura has seen her once or twice. Apart from that, we're like, is she still there? Not quite sure. But the shopping arrived Friday morning. It's now 7 o'clock. At night.

Shopping is still there. Still there. And we know that for old people, the shopping is the most exciting slash important part. That's all they've got. Let's face it. That's it. It was still there.

Started to rain. Started to rain. Started to rain. It did rain. And then at this point, it's worth noting that Laura has removed this part from her story. Okay. Okay. So this is where the lies come in.

Laura tried to kill the neighbor. Cool. With a knife. Did she? No. But Laura was like, should I? Should I? Like, what should we do here?

And I was like, we'll knock on the door. Still nothing. And I was like, oh, do we call? Like, oh, what's another? It's a really tricky one. Ended up calling triple zero. Must have been a quiet night because within a heartbeat, one cop car, two cop cars.

And then we're all there kind of standing like, oh, what do we do? She's like 80. She's like 80 what do we what do we do she's like 80 she's like 80 and we haven't heard anything from her for a while and we're like we kind of say we know that she's been unwell also oh and they're like we just don't want to we don't want to bang down the door because obviously you got like a broken door it's like my grandmother's in her 80s and every time she doesn't answer the phone we're like is she has anyone heard from her yeah yeah yeah and so then they're like we're gonna get the police rescue here because they can pick the locks but the police rescue vans the big white ones yeah yeah yeah yeah so that thing rocks up i thought they're gonna send a helicopter i was waiting

yeah i was like only thing missing was a helicopter with a spotlight on a house maybe that would have woken her up. But we've got like four cop cars. People must have thought there was a murder. Did the news come? No news. No news. Unfortunately.

I was like doing my hair in case they arrived. Where's the makeup guy? But they were like, we want to try and pick the lock. And then they went to the back of the house. They were picking the lock. And meanwhile, everyone's still banging on the door being like, hello, anyone there? And then as they were about to pick the lock slash kicking the door,

she was like, hello? Just like people with spotlights in a house. Happy to say she's alive and well. Okay. She's alive and well. What happened? She was just having a nap. She was having a nap. She was asleep. Okay. She's alive and well. What happened? She was just having a nap. She was having a nap.

She was asleep. Yeah. That's it. She was like, oh, I'm just waking up. I'm just waking up for the day. Yeah. She's like, ignore the glasses. I suppose you get to a certain age you can sleep whenever you want.

She does sleep a lot. During COVID, I used to go out and visit my grandmother and stay with her, like, for honest- It was like a Saturday just because she just needed some company. Yeah. And she loved the races. She doesn't bet, but she just loves horses, which is cute. I took her to the races too.

That's a different story for another day. But one time I walked in and she was laying on the couch. Presumably, I thought she was dead. And I was like, oh, great. Sorry. Laughing at my dead man. I apologize. I was like, oh, great. I. Laughing at my dead man. I apologise. I was like, oh, great.

I don't hear this today. And then, fuck, well, I better call someone. As I went to call someone, she was like, oh, hello. It's a miracle. She's like, I was just about to check your pulse. I would hate to get to the age where people think you're dead every time you're asleep. Speaking of dead neighbours, you just really joke.

Yeah, fucking hell. We have these episodes where you just joke my memory with things. I've had two neighbours die in my lifetime. Could it be me? Possibly. The first one- That's why you're getting kicked out because all the neighbours are like, we can't live near her.

We can't live near her, yeah. She's a ticking time bomb. April and I used to live in DY, which is a suburb in Sydney. It's Northern Beaches. And we lived in a unit, okay. And our next door neighbour, who was somewhat of a creep, I would say, he was quite- he wasn't old. He was like maybe in his 70s.

So, yeah, old, lucky mum, who's very young and sprightly for her age. Offensive, for sure. I just fucking backed that up. I know. Yeah, I saw that. I just fucking backed that up. I know. Yeah, I saw that. I like- You saw that? I could see the panic in your eyes.

I was like, oh, shit. And she'll hear this. He was on blood thinners. I didn't know that until after. Anyway, I get home from work one day and there's like 12 cops in the lobby. And I was like, fellas. Can I help you? Was it me?

And I went into our apartment and the dog was going nuts because she could just hear commotion going on out there. And then April gets home and was like, let's just take the dog out for a walk until these guys fucking get out of here. Anyway, so I've come out and one of the police officers says to me, he goes, oh, do you know what's happened? I was like, no. Like, oh, look, your neighbor is deceased.

And I was like, shit, no way. Bummer. Like, well, how do you want me to react? I was like, no. Like, oh, look, your neighbor is deceased. And I was like, shit, no way. Bummer. Like, well, how do you want me to react? I don't really know him. Yeah. It's really sad, though, to know the fact that someone's passed. Yeah. So, he was like, did you hear anything suspicious last night?

I was like, ooh, now we're talking. Now you're talking my language. And it's funny because I did. Did we just become a true crime podcast? Yeah, look out our case file. At about 10.30 at night, I heard a knock on the door of another apartment in that row of apartments, which was odd, but I just thought maybe someone had got Uber Eats late

or something like that. Nothing really- And that's all I heard. I didn't hear a, oh, help me. Your mind's not going to travel to like death off the back of that. As I was saying this, the neighbour whose door he would have knocked on because he knows them was like, oh, I didn't hear anything. Liar.

So, what's happened is he was on blood thinners, this guy. He's an old guy. He's kicked his shin, started to bleed, bleed out. He has walked over to his friend for help, knocked on the door. They didn't answer. Oh, no. on the door. They didn't answer. Oh, no. They were home. They didn't answer.

Imagine the guilt you'd feel. He's walked back to his room. Blood spilling out. There's some drips of blood on the hallway in the carpet. Not like someone's been, you know, cut. It's obvious. But not enough to make you die. He went into shock.

Oh, wow. Bled out from a shin, kicked his shin. What a way to go. And died. Apparently, the carpet was soaked. Wow. Yeah. Imagine that. Imagine you're up in heaven and they're like, what happened to you?

Like, car accident, rolled four times down a cliff, died. What happened to you? Hit my shin. Everyone's like, oh wait god pete end of the table pete end of the table with the shit ways to die anyway so that's first neighbor then last month i was here and there's a lovely lady who lives across from us she's quite new to the complex was quite new she's dead now oh my god anyway she she's an artist she's lovely lives on her own her kids who are older like wasn't another shin hit was it no it was a forearm

hit this one no i didn't know that she was battling cancer before anyway the son who comes all the time is a really nice guy came over and he said oh i just want to let you know that mum passed away last week and i was like shit oh no i was like no do you know that mum passed away last week. And I was like, shit. Oh, no. I was like, no. Do you know what I did? And what you don't do. What did you say? Mum's just died. I was like, you're kidding.

Gotcha. Hey. And I was like, oh, shit. I'm sorry. That was just my natural reaction. It's hard to react. I'm not good with death. Usually, most of the time, I don't really care.

That's not true. Ash is very empathetic. I don't know what to say. It's awkward. It's very awkward. We do don't know what to say. It's awkward. It's very awkward. We do death very badly in our culture. Yeah, yeah. But I saw, I did see an ambulance there about a week ago.

They weren't making a fuss or anything. It was like they were doing a welfare check on, and I just thought, oh, and then they just drove away like everything was normal. So what had happened is she took a turn with her cancer, had come back, and it was really dramatic, ended up in palliative care and died in palliative care, which is really sad.

And shout out to my neighbours, lovely people, and I'm sorry for your loss. But that could be my fault because I seem to, my neighbours seem to all die. Yeah, death really does follow you around. So, yeah. Just have a bit of a tickle in my throat. Yeah, that's how it starts.

Yeah. just have a bit of a tickle in my throat. Yeah, that's how it starts. On a more positive note, we have been talking about death. Let's go back to births, if we can for a second. There is a little voice message that I'd love to play from one of our biggest fans of the podcast. Her name is Donna, very active member in the Facebook group. Love, Donna.

Donna, where are you? And she has sent me just a little message. She announced this in the Facebook group, but I thought it's such a lovely story that we will mention it on the podcast. And Donna, you are listening. So we want to say congratulations because this is the news that she has to share. Hi nerds, it's Donna here. Number one commenter extraordinaire. Just thought I'd fill you in on a little bit of news. Following Woody's great interview at the beginning of the week, we are now turning one into two and have another successful IVF transfer and we are officially pregnant.

Ah, yay! So we're super, super pleased with that. We've done two for two now, so that's great. But, yeah, just thought I'd share the news with you. We love that. Love that. Congratulations. We love that.

We're covering all. The miracle of life. Yeah. Have that back. All right, settle down. So, Donna, congrats. And also get ready for hell with two kids. Oh, God.

The logistical nightmare. I mean, no, it's beautiful. We love growing families on this podcast. I can see your nose growing. Oh, my day. Yeah, look, it is logistically a nightmare. But twice the kids, twice the love, they say. Well said.

I'm going to put that on T-shirt. And to anyone else who has any exciting news regarding pregnancies. Send it over. We would love to share it on the podcast. We should do a segment at the end. Pregnancy announcements. It's kind of like a bitch ruse, but opposite. Yeah.

Actually, we could also do- If you've got deaths, we can investigate. Now, look, we do have a resurgence of a previous segment called Lies. Let's bring it back. Everyone is saying we love this song. It's one of the best songs. So, for those of you who have missed. It's actually nominated for an ARIA.

It is. No, it's not made that up. But it could be. That was a joke. That was a joke, everyone wondering. This is it. Enjoy. Tell me lies.

Tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lies. Tell me lies. All right, Matt. I did a call out yesterday for some lies. Great response. Good response. Not that we ever get bad responses. No. Thank you to everyone who messaged.

Great response in the Facebook group as well. 37 messages slash comments. Wow. I know, dude. I know. I was like, we've gone viral. Great response. So we group as well. 37 messages slash comments. Wow. I know, dude. I know. I was like, we've gone viral. Great response. So, we've got two each.

Ash, hit me with your best one. Hit me with your best one. Just a really quick one, which we did have a little chuckle about. Someone just said in speech brackets, maybe later. And I always drop that one. We've asked for your best lie. Why comment? And I always drop that one. We've asked for your best lie. Just my comment. Who was it?

Call him out. Name and shame. It was a landlord. Majors. Anyway. Beautiful name. I got one here. So, my pop is missing a finger.

I tell my kids that they will lose their finger for picking their nose. Very good. Simone. Simone Wilson has messaged in on the Facebook group. One of the 37 Ash that commented on my post, she says to her kids, if you don't let us trim your nails, they'll get so long you turn into a cat. Dad had a sister when he was little, but she grew them too long and ran away when she turned into a cat, and you don't want to be like her.

This segment's the best because it highlights how creative parents are and how stupid kids are. Also, cutting nails is a nightmare. Oh, I don't do it. April does it. But cutting my own is a nightmare. This one here, grass. Let's go with grass.

Grass. When my three-year-old is crying super loud, I knock on the door and say, that's the neighbor telling you to be quiet, and they shut up immediately. This is from Andrew who says, when my nearly four-year-old demands to watch the TV at 6 a.m. and we are in a rush to get them out the door to childcare, I quickly go and remove the batteries from all TV remotes around the house and show them that the

remote is not working and the man will have to come and fix it during the day which she being a child being his kid fully accepts and moves on if i say no tv then it's a complete meltdown and tantrum so this bypasses all the tears and the screaming. Very good. Clever. Brilliant. Brilliant. Love that. Brilliant.

We'll finish today with a couple of questions. How does that sound? Lovely. Okay, Ash, this one. Controversial opinion. You can't be friends with your kid as well as be a good parent. Do you guys agree or disagree? Oh, I think every parent would like to think that they're friends. well as be a good parent. Do you guys agree or disagree?

Oh, I think every parent would like to think that they're friends. Are they saying you can't be, but you've got to be one or the other? That's pretty much what they're saying, right? Yeah, correct. No, I don't think that's garbage. I think so too. I think, look, I would like to say I'm Oscar's best friend, but then I'm also his dad, right? You're no longer Macy's best friend.

I know that for sure. I get to be the parent for that one then, I guess. I think that's garbage. I think you can most certainly be friends. And be a good parent. And be a good parent. Surely. Okay, so what this person is saying is that you've got to be a good parent

or a bad parent or a good friend or a bad friend. Yeah. I think you can be both a bad friend and a bad parent or a good friend or a bad friend yeah i think you can be both a bad friend and a bad parent and a good friend and a good parent at the same time and it can be interchangeable because i guess friendship is such a loose term it's like where do you know friends with benefits like where do you sit on the friendship scale with your kid? Because I guess maybe the idea of you can't be a friend and also be that like authoritarian figure. They won't take you seriously.

For your kid. Like obviously if you're going to be the friend, when your kids get older, where you're like, hey, let's go get drunk in the park. That sounds amazing. You know, you can't do that. Like you can't go out and get like lit with your kid. Don't tell me what I can and can't do.. Like you can't go out and get like lit with your kid. Don't tell me what I can and can't do.

I think you can still be a friend. You can still like hang out with your kids, have that like great relationship, but also at the same time be the voice of reason, discipline them. I think if they respect you, it's different. Yeah. But also like- You can be friends and have respect. At this age, at five, we're all friends.

We're all best friends. But then don't annoy me. I think it's garbage. People who have that mentality- Have no friends and their kids hate them. Simple. That's that. Job done.

Job done. Now, I have a question for you. Do your kids still have a milk bottle or a bottle of milk, either one, before going to bed? We transitioned off the milk. To warm water, I recall. To warm water. Laura had this idea.

She said. Does she piss the bed heaps? No. We would have to change. I mean, many times in the middle of the night, Lola's been like, I want another bottle. And I've been like, I should change her nappy, but also going through the process of changing the nappy kind of wakes her up,

takes her longer to go back to bed. So I'm like, she'll be fine. And then like I wake up an hour later like sleeping in piss, which I don't mind. Like I'm drowning. Yeah, because she has those pull-up nappies and they're not as absorbent. Put two on her. That's a very good idea.

Thank you. It was, she was, man, she's hooked. Hooked on dummies. This is Lola, by the way, who's just gone three in Feb. Hooked on dummies, hooked on bottles. Okay. So, what are we going to do about it? Baby bottles.

So, we made the call. We're like, I say we. You? I mean, Laura. Okay. But then you've got to get up and deal with it. We also, like, we do these things really dumb. Like, if you're going to do anything, like, hectic that's really going to impact your sleep,

probably best to do it, like, on a Friday. Because then, you know, you don't have too much on on the weekend. So, if you are really tired, you can have a nap during the day. Weekends are my time, bro. I'd much rather do it during the week. No, because we know that Laura, like like Laura's most hectic day of the week is her Mondays. So if you're going to start this on a Sunday night,

it just sets you up for a week of being so tired. Start at midweek. Start like on a Wednesday. Wednesday, Thursday. Thursday is the best day. Anyway, we started- Thirsty Thursday. There he is.

Ash Wicks. So we decided on Sunday afternoon, just gone, that we would remove the baby bottle which has warm water and like lola is just she's probably i reckon she's probably having three to five bottles only like quarter full first one's kind of three quarters full after that she wakes in the middle of night give her a warm water she's off back to sleep happy day so you're still doing that we said she could keep the dummy but she has to no longer have the baby bottle okay she can have like a little water bottle like and what day is now it's wednesday wednesday it's been an absolute hell as hellish situation as expected i wouldn't wish

this upon my worst enemy it sucks also we're in this fucking awful sorry to swear no drop them in this awful scenario where sunday night first night she woke up at about one in the morning she was up for about an hour because she was like oh i want the bottle i want the bottle and we're like no no bottles you got your dummy shut up and chill out didn't say that we said it in a very pleasant polite way but she couldn't get back to sleep so then she she woke up eventually, tired as anything, then had a nap at daycare. So then- She was up all night.

Up all night. And we're in this vicious cycle. We're saying to daycare, hey, you can't let her nap. And they're like, yeah, we know, but there's two teachers for the room of like 12 kids. They're like, you know, we can't have eyes on her. Yeah. It's like Macy fell asleep at the table once. Like, we can't have eyes on her. Yeah.

It's like Macy fell asleep at the table once. Like you can't take your eyes off them. Yeah, they're tired. The other day when I was at your house and Lola was there, she was like looking at me on the couch and then I looked away, looked back and she was. Happens that quick. I was like, oh, shit. Also, did she get that whistle I left her?

No, I threw it in the bin. You bastard. I've got a second one. So we're currently going through that at the moment. And a few people have messaged us and said, because we have like a photo on stories and it's in the morning and Lola's still got, she likes to just hold a bottle in the morning. And people are like, but she's three.

You can't be doing that. Who are you making up the rules? Look, if someone's going to send you a message, she's three. You can't let her do that. Do you know what I'd say? Fuck off. We're in the rules as I say. Just do what, like we always say, do your best.

Now, my kids don't have it at night. They have a bottle in the morning. They wake up in the morning. They love a little bottle of milk. Okay. Can I just ask you one question? I just, if I may. Joe, you're not fit to run.

Joe. But what do you, like, do you give them breakfast first and then the bottle after? No, they straighten the bottle first. But then when do, like, do you give them breakfast first and then the bottle after? No, they're straight in the bottle first. But then when do they have breakfast? Straight after. They're into toast straight away. I don't know.

That's crazy. Keeps them happy. They have the bottle first and then why don't you use, like, the bottle as, like, the bait to get them to finish. They finish their breakfast. The only meal in the day they finish. I'm shooketh. You shooketh to the coreth.

Wow. Yeah. Oscar as well. Yep. Jesus Christ. Loves it. A little bit. But what I do is I go a little bit of milk, heat it up,

then fill the rest with water so they get hydrated at the same time. Very good. And then they're not constipated. Macy somehow still is. Because she can shit. And then straight into toast or whatever else they want. Wow. So, when they go to bed at night time, what do they have?

They just raw dog it. Raw dog what? Like no dummy, no bottle, nothing. Man. Do you have to pat them to sleep? Nope. That is amazing. Thank you.

I'm an amazing parent. You are such a good parent. Thank you. Thank you. Look, I'm not going to take credit April probably should take How did we end up in this situation? April, you're a great parent

Sorry You've already taken my daughter Now you're trying to take my daughter And I think on that note That is all we have time for today If you've enjoyed this episode Please send it to someone Who needs a laugh, needs a cack

Or needs to learn how to wipe their kid's anus. Leave a review. Also, five stars and a little bit of feedback on there, maybe. We've had some lovely comments in the Facebook group, which happens to be over 1,800 members now. It is just, it's like a pandemic. It's just- We're taking over.

Spreading. Spreading things. We're taking over. So, jump onto Facebook, search Two Doting Dads, join the group, join the conversations, join the fun, as they say. And we'll see you. But also... Oh, gosh, yes.

We are coming to the end of July, which that means we're going to the start of August. And August is a very exciting month for Two Doting Dads because we have our book that will be officially on shelves. Coming out soon. So, keep an eye out. Soon. Keep an eye out. There is a link in the show notes. There is a link in the on shelves. Coming out soon. So keep an eye out. Soon. Keep an eye out.

There is a link in the show notes. There is a link in the show notes. And maybe we might give some to some punters. Yes. We will figure out how. With a lock of pubic hair. I imagine if you did that. I don't have any.

Let's get out of here. Let's go. See you guys. Bye. let's get out of here see you guys bye