Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #84 There's Nothing Funny About A Hot Sigh!

Episode Date: August 6, 2024

Great news - Ash has a new house! Bad news is that the battle has only just begun with his landlord to get his bond back. We will keep you updated on the situation as things progress.  Matt has turned into Bondi's biggest good samaritan after offering poor little Sue a lift to the dog rescue shelter after her dog of 15 years died (did I mentioned it was an hr drive away). Plus, we tackle your questions! When is the right age to let your kid get their ears pierced? How many times do your kids fart a day? Make sure you share your best Parenting Lies with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Come to the movies with us: https://bit.ly/3ziTTBa Buy our book: https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You've got to be careful, this table is really wobbly. It is a wobbly table. One of the wobliest. Didn't want to say anything, but the conditions we're recording in right now are less than ideal. Also because someone has got their grumpy pants on today. I've got very good reasons for that. Just give me a giggle.

Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable. And if you've come wanting any advice,

stop right now. Thank you very much. I need some... You're really giving that table a nudge there, mate. Am I? Sorry. Hands off.

You're like, stop right... Let's just sit here in silence. Should we start again? No, we shouldn silence. Should we start again? No. Should we start again? Should we clean the slate? No.

Because right now the slate is messy. I like it. It's sticky. It's sticky. I'm grumpy. Yes. Let's just address the elephant. Then we can move forward.

Yeah? Please. Do you like that? Are you grumpy because I made you make me two pieces of toast when I came in? That's my biggest grunt. I started eating into your nut legs. The hospitality size nut leg. Is that it?

Is that what you're annoyed about? No. No. No. As you know, I've been moving. And before- Sorry, I didn't know. We're in a completely different house.

Wait, what? We've moved. Before I get into why I'm cranky, the only thing that went my way yesterday was a four-pack of Stone & Wood Pacific Ale. After a full day of moving, 7 o'clock I think we kicked off, finished off at 4 o'clock, put the footy on and I was like, what am I going to do? Open the fridge, and it was beaming back at me.

There it was. Like a ray of sunshine. Did you know it was there, or was it a surprise four-pack in the new house? Was Frank, your new landlord, like, where the fuck has my stoner wood gone? And you're like, shut up. Frank doesn't drink? Perfect. But no, I think it was just in with all the food that came over.

It's been placed in the fridge, accidentally cooled down, and there it is, the Pacific Ale. One of the best. We had a few on the weekend as well. We did. Prior to that. That's the first sit-down lunch that April and I have ever been to. You're welcome.

Remember I said to you, I was like, what do you do there? I've never eaten sitting down before, like, you know what I mean? At like a nice table with a chef. That was beautiful. You're welcome. Thank you. Food was top shelf. Very good.

And made even better, accompanied by a delicious drop of Stone and Wood Pacific Ale. Yes. Cheers, my guy. Cheers, my guy. This will cheer you up once again. Hopefully. And thank you to stone and wood for making these episodes possible the only way is up from here onwards and upwards but yes a

little bit cranky i'm just cranky because i've just had enough of it i've just had enough of this landlord instead of going through the usual channels what you would do is where you've got you just deal with a real estate agent and, you know, they do it all the time. He's seeing the move through his eyes as the owner. So he would go through and be like, well, these guys have to clean the place. That's fine.

I have no dramas of that. I've got a cleaner in there now. But he's going through and going. Can I ask? The cleaner. Because for those of you who are unaware, we are recording in Frank's house today. Pop up.

It was April's beloved dad. And your cleaners are in there at the moment. They're in there right now. Right now. And so he's, because before we started recording, your phone was like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. So he's in there with the cleaners. He's gone in to interrogate the cleaner

on what they're doing this is what i'm dealing with let the cleaners because what i'm working with right but he's also going through and seeing things through his eyes as the owner and not the third party which should be the estate agent and go through and tick off what's been clean whatsoever so he's trying to get us to clean as much as possible for him so he can put it on the market spick and span. Even though when I moved in there, it was subpar, but we didn't complain. And that's the worst part. Whenever you move into somewhere new, you're just in the rush of getting boxes in there

and you're unpacking, you just want to get it set up. You never actually go through start to finish and take note of all the things that are already broken. So right now like stains that you're like well that was there when we moved in it's like we'll prove it well we fucking don't because we don't have photos through the condition report but the thing is he had three real estate agents over two years looking after the place they kept changing because they're probably sick of dealing with it churning through the agent because he's they have the

audacity to ring us up and go hey hey, do you guys have a condition report? Because we don't have one. Come on, get fucked. Also, he's got the shits because we vacated today and before he could get a chance to do any bond claims, we asked for the bond claim back through the agency so that he has to chase us for anything because it was kind of like, you know what, bro?

He was always going to be nitpicky at everything. Like he's like, you've got to clean the debris from the back courtyard. Bro, have you seen how windy it is outside? And the debris is what? Leaves? Are you stupid? It's a hurricane right now. Yeah.

And he's like, you need to come and clean the debris. Get fucked. I'm over it. Anyway, I don't want to talk about this. I'm no therapist, but it sounds like you're annoyed. I am annoyed. Also, what is painful is just moving in general. Let's put him aside.

Let's not make this episode about him. I told you, bro, you should have got removalists. No, no. You should have hired the help. Oh, I had a mate help me yesterday. We had a truck. It was pretty easy because it all went into storage. I'm annoyed you didn't ask me, by the way.

I needed someone stronger. It was pretty easy because it all went into storage. I'm annoyed you didn't ask me, by the way. I needed someone stronger. Fuck you. Do you have a truck? I can get one. How big do you want? The biggest truck. Look at those calluses. That's from jerking off.

Edging yourself. I can lift tables. Nice. You've been working out with those hands. I have. I knew this was coming and I was like, I'm going to get myself like removalist fit for the occasion and then I was waiting for the phone call.

I was sitting there next to my mobile phone and thinking, any second now the phone will go off and it'll be Ash asking for help and it never came. The good thing is we were moving into somewhere else at the end of next month so he could help me then. So you've got another month of training. Very busy. Very busy. Very busy.

I feel like it's an elite level of friendship once you're being asked to move house. I don't like to ask because then I have to help them when they need to move. It's like, oh, fuck. That's when you cut them off. We're moving house also. I've deleted his number.

Well, because the house you saw because everyone must be waiting with bated breath real worried ash i've had many people message me saying is ash okay will the family be homeless and i'm happy to say no the house that you saw last week oh yes we have decided to move into that house yeah which is a friend of ours so shout out to jim and Amy. They're probably not listening, but shout out to you guys for letting us. Coming in at the last moment, rescuing the Wixers. It always works out. It does.

To good people. That's true. To good people. True. But I just want this, honestly, I just want this landlord to get off my back. Just go away. I even said on the last message can you please communicate through the real estate agent moving forward because i'm done with you and he was like

okay and you go stop messaging all right i'll stop messaging you said hey bye so this is it okay okay see you later yeah i spent the whole day yesterday moving and you just you accumulate so much shit with kids i'm not not a hoarder, far from it. Although even old clothes, clothes from when the kids are one and two, obviously they're three and five now, I've been told. And I don't want to throw it out. I don't want to throw away the memories, Ash. I find that hard.

Maybe it's just me. In some instances you're like, yeah, but then like you've got to just be ruthless. You threw away macy she's gone she's moved out people come like oh moving's a nightmare they've got no kids i'm like don't you fucking dare talk to me about how it's a nightmare for you have a couple of kids and then move a house because you're like i filled up a whole storage which can fit a whole car and more and then higher up, allegedly.

So what's in there? What's clogging up your storage? First of all, the main pieces of furniture that we need for the new place that we can't store here. And then, like, that's got one side. It's boxes and boxes of toys. Throw them out, bro. April threw so much stuff out.

Burn them. Because the best thing is, my friend, kids are very dumb. They forget things easily. No, they're not. Okay. I'm going to challenge you on this because you're coming across stuff, right, and you've got no emotional attachment to it. And you don't know that your kid has an emotional attachment to it.

But then you, like, throw it out. Like, yesterday, I don't know if you remember the remote control skateboard ninja turtle oh how could i forget that's in storage right we're just like oh we don't think he's got that attached to it yeah and then yesterday he's got plenty of toys to get him off and then yesterday out of nowhere he's pulled the actual remote control bit out and goes where is it oh my god it's in. I don't want it to be in storage. Like, he thinks it's gone forever. So then you've got to go try and explain to him. It's like, look, in a couple of weeks, we can move it. Did you get it out from storage?

No. No, no, no, no, no. Not opening that can of worms. Because as soon as you open that can of worms, it'll be like, you just go and get it. Yeah. Okay? No, no.

You've got to be firm. You've got to be firm. So, yeah, yesterday was like, oh. There's still so much in their ass to get out. Anyway, so then that part with the landlord makes Ash cranky. I feel like the first 10% of like packing up is good. You're like, this is great. We're making progress. Good progress.

Good headway. I'll be done in a day or two. Fuck, it just, it gets slower and slower and it's never ending yeah when i spoke to you excuse me oh my goodness when i spoke to you yesterday afternoon i was a defeated man i was like i'm defeated today you are i am absolutely defeated so let's talk about other things okay i'll talk about a story that I want to tell you about. Please distract me with something good. It's better to be good. Look.

No pressure. This is a story that is going to sound almost arrogant. This is very much a story which is tooting my own horn. And Ash, you know me very well. I don't like to toot my own horn too much. I want to set this up. I want other people tooting my horn. I want to be laying there as my horn is being tooted. Toot, toot. If you know what I'm setting this up. I want other people tooting my horn. I want to be laying there as my horn is being tooted.

Toot, toot. If you know what I'm saying. Toot away. Let me edge you. Okay. So, I went down to the local cafe with Buster. The three-legged dog. Who I have to say is an absolute local favorite.

He is. He's a Bondi icon. They love him. They love him. They love him. And it's always awkward as well when someone is patting your dog, having a moment with your dog, and you just got to stand there. And they give you no attention. And you give them your answer.

They're like, who's a good boy? You're like, I'm a good boy. And so, you know, in that moment, I find it's easier. It's less awkward if you make a bit of conversation. So, a few times to a few different people, you know, I've gotten to know them, okay? Because of the dog. Because of the dog.

They really, they're your dog's friends. Yes. And you're like friend by association. As I was waiting for my coffee the other day, Sue, lovely Sue. Sue. Happens to be about 80. She's come up to me. Sue, 80-year-old Sue.

80-year-old Sue. Who is lovely. She sounds like a really nice person. She's the nice type of old. She hasn't gotten- Cranky old, like ash old. Yeah, she hasn't gotten ash old. Dementia hasn't taken the joy out of her yet.

Yet. Great. And so she's having a nice moment with Buster. And I did remember Sue and I said, where's your dog, Sue? Okay. Okay. I shouldn't have asked that question oh she's gone she was padding buster and she was mid pat and she stopped she froze

and i thought oh god i've hit a nerve here she took a big breath and she said my dog is no longer with us oh dramatic and i said what happened, her dog, can't remember the name, Jack Russell, though. Really good friends you are. Jack Russell, he was 15. He passed away. Oh, well, that's a good innings. And Sue said that she was distraught. I bet, 15 years.

Liz by herself, her son's moved away. Son is living in Coffs Harbour. Can't remember his name. But if you're around call your mom give her some help she's struggling right now and i said sue will you get another dog and she said i plan on getting another dog i want to get a rescue dog there's four dogs that i'm looking at right now greyhounds ash yeah greyhounds that she's trying to decide between. That's lovely. Get all four. Stop being a pussy and get all four. Start racing them.

And I was like, what's the hold up? When are you going to pick them? And she said, I need to go out to the rescue shelter. It's out in Penrith, past Penrith. So from Bondi, it's over an hour away. Have you committed to taking Sue out there? Look, Ash, in the moment, in the moment, it's like just before when I offered to help you move.

I don't actually want to help you move, House. I'm just being polite. And I appreciate that. I got caught up in the moment. She goes, I can't drive, so I can't get out there. Be gone. There you are now. Hello, you on there?

Yeah. Ash is trying his best Not to your One eye is just fucking popping out of its socket So she said Maybe it'll be a week, two weeks I'm trying to get someone to drive me out there And I said, Sue, look. I said, take my number.

And I said, if you need someone to drive you out there, I would love to help out. You are a great guy. And I was going to say, did Sue toot your horn? So she hasn't messaged me. I said, I'll be annoyed if you don't message me, Sue. You really laid it on thick. I'm just a good guy.

And you gave her the wrong number. She did. You know, she's a bit hard of hearing. I did say it's always tricky because there's a 2-3-2-3, the double 2-3. There's a lot of 2s and 3s. And it does stump people. She did seem a bit confused three the double two three and it does stump people she did

seem a bit confused on the double two three oh and i don't know if she's taking it down correctly but i've not seen her since she hasn't messaged but i'm like again would you do it would you follow through i would can i come i would if you want to yeah yeah i. We could film it. We could film it. Sue's like, why are you filming me? Shush, Sue. Shut up, Sue. Sue. Sue? Sue. Sue.

That's lovely. Thank you. You are a nice girl. I know it was just, you were just being polite and you will inevitably let her down. She'll be disappointed. I don't know. She called me an angel, which, you know, you do these things, Ash, not for the reward. Oh, you're probably skipping back up the street going, I am an angel. I am an angel.

And then your dog did a shit and he didn't pick it up. We just watched a movie called One Time, I think. It's a story about this guy who saves like 600 Jewish children in World War II, right? Sounds like too much of an effort. And it was an amazing story. So I've just watched that the night before. And so that's still running through my brain.

What you did is the equivalent. It's the modern day equivalent. Literally, I was like, I need to leave a legacy behind. Yeah, I've committed to helping an 80-year-old lady go out to Penrith, but I haven't actually said yet. Sue, what are you thinking? Next Thursday? Oh, can't do Thursdays. Thursdays are bad. Monday?

Flat out on Monday. Can't do it. Gotta wash my hair. Yeah, sorry, Sue. That's my hair washing day. I can't go. So anyone out there, if you see someone elderly, talk to them. Help them out. You're gaslighting her. A little bit. Help them out. You're gaslighting her. A little bit.

A little bit. A little bit. Speaking of gaslighting, Oscar has learnt to gaslight me. And he's doing a very good job. So before we moved into this house, the other house was two storeys. The bedroom was upstairs. Must be nice. You can talk.

You can talk like a 12-storey mama. One of the villas that we have, there's just two stories. What floor was this? The fourth floor. It was the fourth floor. So I had to take the lift, the glass lift, glass bottom lift. So Oscar's learned to gaslight me very subtly, but he thinks he's obviously genius.

So what he's done is I always would tell him, get dressed, buddy. You know what it's like every morning. Especially the kid, like Marley can get herself dressed. Kind of. What? Kind of. Yeah. Let's not go and do it.

Oscar, he's been able to dress himself for a long time. Oh, shove. Yeah, he's showing off. But it would take forever for me to get him to do it. You know, it's like, get dressed. Come on, get dressed. It's always a nightmare first thing in the morning he's rolling around in comfy pajamas eating a fucking slice of toast yeah with a finger in his nose and you're like mate that's good get dressed

don't disrupt this but how i figured out that it's too good to be true is instead of just being like yeah i'll do it just saying yeah he said to me very politely yes daddy i will get dressed for you now first of all i oh, that's lovely. Great. Then I thought, can't bullshit a bullshitter, bro. Can't do it. Why? What happened?

So I left it. He's upstairs. He's quiet. I'm thinking he's getting dressed. Well, he thinks that I think that he's getting dressed. And I was like, I'll leave it. Just give him ample time to actually follow through. Follow through.

And I got distracted as well. And it had been like 20 25 minutes and i thought i'll go and check where he's at hasn't moved a fucking muscle that little bastard so he's got an extra 25 minutes of playing with his toys before i've gone and i snuck up on him too i was like you're gonna learn today son And he was like head into whatever he was doing. And I was like, what are you doing? And he was, get dressed. I am. I am getting dressed.

But he thought that he'd got away with it. So I'm monitoring the situation to see if he does it again. I don't know if Oscar does this. Marley's also turned into a bit of a gaslighter. I feel like it's the age. Gaslighting starts at five-ish. It's a critical stage in a child's life. Literally.

This is how weak her gaslighting is. Yeah. So I'll say to Marley. Just a bad gaslighting game. Very bad. She needs to get better. She needs to up her game. She's just hanging out with Oscar Moore.

Marley loves to be in control of the remote. She loves it. She loves to hold the remote. Anyway, I was saying, turn the TV off. Ign she loves to hold the remote anyway i was saying turn the tv off ignores me turn the tv off ignores me turn the tv off got very angry and she goes whoa you sound like me today well i thought you said keep the tv on that's very good and i'm like what and she goes yeah that's what i thought you said you said you want it off yeah so just gonna ask for it bro it's like when you like accidentally say like a confusing sentence and someone pulls you up on it where you're like please don't stop like don't stop all right okay all right gotcha speaking of that age both of our kids are getting to that age.

Five, they're going to start to lose their baby teeth. With Oscar just going to the dentist and getting a metal tooth, the dentist gassed everyone. Does he have a cap? Yeah. It's a crown. It's a transformer crown. What do you mean by-

That's what he told him it was. He sold it to him. Oh, right, right, right. Which one is it? Mouth salesman. Which one? It's like a molar. Not a molar, like a gum, like there. Looks pretty gangster, to be fair.

Yeah, it does. It sounds gangster. Yeah, yeah. Until it falls out. So that tooth's going to fall out, right? Yeah. You want to- And if it does fall out-

Hand it back to the dentist and get you $20. Yeah, we're cashing it in. You know, it's like we collect scrap metals. Yeah, there you go. I used to work with this guy and his kid lost her tooth and apparently she was upset for days. Because she lost the tooth. Yeah.

They just can't comprehend it. So there's all these different- Yeah, it must be so strange. But also before teeth fall out, they get loose, right? Can you remember as a kid, like you're like, oh, I'm going to lose tooth for the first time and then all of a sudden it comes out.'re like either they come out that way or your parents in that generation would be like let me tie this to a door handle and rip it out for you know what

i mean yeah i still like watch videos on social media with people tying tooth to a nerf gun bullet and then firing it out yeah i found one that i want to show you. Oh, yes. That I thought, you know, Matty J will love this because it might give us an idea. Just watch that. The gasp. The mum's laughing. oh my god the screams of fear i'm like that's child abuse so what matt's watching is a dad obviously and the mom's filming the mom's laugh is so funny and the kid is screaming because his tooth is tied to a golf ball and dad's about to drive it into the bushes. When I saw that, I was shocked.

But also that level of fear sounded very real. The moment the tooth was ripped out, he was like, hey, I'm back. Yeah, the dad did a really, really good job at diffusing the mood. So he was like, hit the golf ball, looked at him and went, great shot for the high five. Yeah. No.

It also just sounds funny. There's a moment though where her dad looks at the kid and he's like, shit. And he's like, hey. He's like, yeah. That's brilliant. That's a moment, though, where her dad looks at the kid and he's like, shit. And he's like, hey. He's like, yeah. That's brilliant. That's a good kid. There's a couple of kids at daycare who have lost teeth, all boys.

And I'm like, oh, wow, like Timmy's lost a tooth. They've all, like, run into walls or fallen off trees. Yeah, God, they have. How old are they when they start? Like grade one or two, right? It changes. It varies. I had baby teeth for a long time.

Like my dad was like, you look like little piranha teeth for like oh hang on for quite a while what's quite a while give me some time for like into primary school like yeah like apparently okay oh not to up your story my little brother tommy tommy tommy was only born with three adult teeth so the adult teeth because they weren't there you know you're born with all your teeth in your jaw okay again let's just put it out there and then this is not a scientific podcast so anything that we say here is purely a joke and satire only explain that to me you were born with your adult teeth already in your jaw. Underneath? Yeah, bro. Wait. What? Hang on.

Yeah. So if I x-rayed the side of Oscar's head, he would have two layers of teeth, like some sort of freak. Yep. They're there. Shut up. They are there. They are there.

No way. Yep. Yep. I could be wrong. Should we ask April? April, come here, please. I should have said that more lovingly. Can we have you on the mic just for one sec?

We've got a question. I've got a question. I'm going to ask you a question and see if you know the answer. I may be wrong here. Is that everyone that's listening? Yes. I just want to know. I feel like this is something April would know the answer to.

Yes. April, do you know that you were born with all your adult teeth already in your mouth? Yes, I did. Definitely. know that you were born with all your adult teeth already in your mouth yes i did definitely and like if you x-ray a baby you see the double whammy yeah yeah yeah are you fucking serious that is outstanding macy do you want to come and say something say good night no no macy who's your best friend good night night, Macy. I'll pretend to be Macy. Good night, Macy. My DJ, I love you. Oh, Macy, that's so sweet of you.

Yes, I am, sir. Anyway, sorry to completely hijack that. I am blown away. Yeah, dude. So my brother was only born with three adult teeth. So the baby teeth never fell out because the adult teeth weren't coming through and pushing them out. They push them out? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, dude. Yeah. never fell out because the adult teeth weren't coming through and pushing them out they push them out yeah yeah dude yeah my knowledge of anatomy is so bad yeah how did i impregnate someone it's like that's my belly button yeah yeah if you put enough semen in there eventually

it'll get there it'll sink through the. So my brother has to get all implants. Still? Yeah. So does he still have his baby teeth? Get him on the phone right now. He'll be like, goo-goo-ga-ga. That's very offensive. Shut up.

So he actually got accepted as a case study for the University of Queensland dental school because it was such a rare case. Wait, dental school? It's not real, bro. It's like a circus and they all- It's a bunch of freaks. Yeah, they drink and they watch them.

I thought it was that he got re-accepted back into daycare. So they offered to do part of his dentistry, but the issue was because he didn't have the adult teeth, his jaw didn't grow. So he had to have his jaw broken and like, yeah, dude. Oh, my God. It's a journey. It's a journey.

Do you know what? There's some dentist behind that going, we've got one. We've got one. We're going to make an absolute mozzarella out of this man, boy, child, whatever you want to call him. Man. We're just going to tell him. Man. Yeah. We're just going to tell him that he's got baby teeth.

He won't see the x-rays. He won't know. Yeah, they're going to break his jaw. Shout out to Tom, who is single, by the way. He sounds like a real catch. So on the weekend, Ash, we were looking at a friend's property that's being reno'd so we said yeah how's it going with the renovations and they said good you know the place it's like it's stripped right back did you offer to do any work for them of course i did you're like here's my number i'll

pick up some wood for you if you need i was like i can build decks didn't accept my offer that's fine but they said you could go have a look at it. The keys are hidden in this spot. So, like, around the weekend, if you want, you can go have a look because we've ripped out the kitchen. We've ripped out the bathrooms. Like, you won't know the place because it's completely demoed. All, like, the skeleton framework. Good bones.

Great bones. Am I saying the right term? I hate it when, like, boomers say that about a house. They're like, yeah, look, it's a bit of a red-eyed job. It's got good bones. It's fucking timber, dickhead. So we're looking at the house and it was in the morning. I'd had my triple shot coffee.

And as we're walking through, we're looking at the place and, wow, my God, it's going to be amazing. The kitchen's going to go here and the bathroom will look great as well. So they ripped out pretty much everything. Just before you continue your friends have asked you to come over and look at an empty house well it's down the road so it's empty yeah we just said i thought i was thinking you're gonna walk in and be like whoa this is amazing it's beautiful what they've done to the place but it's a fucking you just said it's empty yeah it's

it's a construction site so you're like just taking a good look around we were admiring you're such a dad admiring did you say construction site i'm coming straight down there so we're walking through everything is pretty much gone except for the toilet and laura has told the story stealing the content of two doting dads on their podcast get your own content. And I went to the toilet. I've done a poo. Was the water running? Well, I didn't check. I just assumed. I assumed that, hey, the builders are here.

The builders have to go to the toilet. So they've ripped out everything except for the toilet. So that obviously must be still in use. They've got the builder's sauna out the front, don't they? What's the builder's sauna? Oh, no, no, no. No, there wasn't. There was no portaloo. So I was like, obviously, the toilets are still in use.

And there was toilet paper, fresh toilet paper. Oh, okay. Well, that's six again there wasn't. There was no port-a-loo. So I was like, obviously, the toilets are still in use. And there was toilet paper, fresh toilet paper. Oh, okay. Well, that's six again. Play on. It wasn't Quilton. Drop your deck. So I've done a poo. This episode probably brought you back, Quilton.

And gone to flush it, nothing. Nothing. And I'm like, oh, God. Was it a big one? It was medium size. What was the consistency? I'm eating a lot of steak at the moment. So they're very rich.

Have you taken up my diet? Yeah, I have. Have you full? No, you've had toast. You can't have. Yeah, no, I'm not just eating. I'm eating carbs as well, but lots of steak. It was very stinky.

I'll put my hand up and say that. Very steaky. My poos do smell guilty as charged. And Laura's like, fuck, oh, my God, I can't believe you've done that. I'm like, it's fine. They must have turned the water off. I'll turn it back on. They'll flush it. She goes, you've got've done that. I'm like, it's fine. They must have turned the water off. I'll turn it back on. They'll flush it.

She goes, you've got to message them and let them know that it's happened. And I was like, sure, sure, sure. So Laura doesn't know this part, but I messaged and said, I'm so sorry. I'm messaging on behalf of Laura. She has done a shit in the toilet And she's very embarrassed We apologise That is great House looks great

Did they buy it? Yeah They're like Oh that's okay It's a real big stinky one She shits heaps It's all the time I told her not to do it

The water's not in Does she know now? I've not told her So she's going to hear this Yeah I'll tell her On her podcast She's told them that and yeah yeah i'll tell her on her podcast she's told them that well she thinks that that was it and matt had to message and

oh and he you know so she doesn't know i did message them but i said it was her not me cheeky bugger oops so can you please let us know how when reaction of this because that is a classic stitch up and that's something that I would do to April. That'd be great. Laura had to do a poo as well. We like to poo and sink. And I was like, just do it in the garden. I was like, there's a shovel here.

I'll dig you a hole. And she was like, no, the neighbors can see. And I was like, just do it. I know. I called you yesterday and you were like, I just had to stop at Macca so Laura can do a poo. She's a shitter. She's a shit machine. That reminds me of when i used to be a painter

apprentice painter and used to work on high rises in surface paradise and early on when the painters are in question yeah it was a high rise mostly glass or was what are you painting the inside of it you goose all right don't have to yell tell. I used to do the outside as well. And there was like a lot of like around the back. I don't need your life story, bro. Got to play tit for tat, don't you? Anyway, so when the pain has come in, not an analogy, when the pain has come in, it's usually early on before the toilet's in, but there's always the toilet pipe.

And there'd be some filthy plasterers that would just shit down the pipe. Ugh! So you'd walk in, sometimes you'd walk into one of the units, you'd be like, Do they wash it down with anything? No, because the water's not running up there yet. Could you get like a bucket of water or nothing? Well, they didn't care.

They'd just snap it off. Animals! They'd just snap it off and move on with their day. Like a dog. Oh, God. Yeah. Anyway, that just reminded me of that. I wouldn't last five minutes in that scenario. I want to jump over those filthy animals. Should we go into parenting lies?

It's back again. Tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies. Tell me. Tell me lies. Tell me lies. tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies. All right, Matt, I have a couple of lies for you that I want to just quickly rattle off. Please.

That people have written in. I thought you would never ask, Ash. Excuse me, I'm trying to get through a sentence. I apologize for talking over the top of you. I always talk over the top of you. I fucking know you do, mate. Let's all just calm down. Sorry.

You in particular. You really got hated there. These are from people that have written do, mate. Let's all just calm down. Sorry. You in particular. You really got hated there. These are from people that have written in, Matt. So you can write in to us at Two Doting Dads. You can DM us or you can go to the Facebook group. Which is absolutely pumping. Pumping. Pumping.

It is going up. Ew. Pumping. My favorite used to be reading the reviews that we don't really get that much of. My new favorite thing is the request coming through on the Facebook group. Yeah, I need to jump on and- Mate, get in there. I've been busy this week.

People will fucking lose it if the big Ashton Wicks makes an appearance. The big guy. The big guy. I've told them all, I said, guys, guys, he's busy moving house. Wait till he moves house, then he'll come here and you won't be able to get rid of him. Get him off here. Why is there a picture of his penis on here?

Okay, so this one's been sent in. Really quick one. They say, pumpkin is actually orange potato. I guess their kids must like potato then, right? Yeah. If your kid likes potato, I suppose that's very good.

I got another quick one for you. Please. Which I really like because you know how we would always say, and we do get this one a lot, it's like we always tell the kids, nah, it's spicy when it's not so that they don't have any. It's a classic. It's a classic. This person says, my ice cream has wine in it.

One more from me and I'm done. Okay. Three today. You're treating me. Treats. Sweet treats with wine in it. Keaton tells his kid the naughty boy bus would come and pick him up and take him away if he continued to be bad.

The naughty boy bus. The naughty boy bus. To be honest, the naughty boy bus the naughty boy bus to be honest the naughty boy bus sounds pretty good oh party bus there's strippers on the naughty boy bus okay this one's from lee hi lee lee mcgow sometimes i'll enjoy a cheeky ice cream after my kids are in bed guilty yeah and often my three-year-old finds the evidence in the morning my response ayah santa was checking in on us and he got really hungry that just on ice cream did you see that video of the guy and i'll try and find it for socials if

it works it's like uh he's got the ice cream and then a lettuce leaf over the top of it. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he's like, do you want some? I'll bring it to you. They're like, no. He's like, okay, I'll offer it. Very good. Very, very good.

I've also got three. Oh, wow. Didn't I? Sweet treats all around. Just spoiling the listeners, Ash. It is... What? Nothing.

Someone just messaged you. Was it... Yes. What did it say? I'm not going to tell you what it says. Come on. He says, Ash, thanks for being such a great tenant. It's been a pleasure having you here,

and we look forward to hopefully crossing paths once again in the future. Much love. That's a lie. P.S. Love the podcast. And I bought your book. You just blatantly lied to me, that whole thing. He messaged, but it's an email. It's an email?

Yeah. Good. Okay. Interesting name. Jessamine. That's not a real name. Jessamine. Yeah.

Get that checked. Jess, Jess, J-E-S-A-M-I-N. Jessamine. I've never met a Jessessamine before interesting beautiful name plenty of time for jessamine if i have a third child i'll call it jessamine once my husband packed some canadian clubs terrible drink stonewoods that's the first mistake into my then four-year-old's luggage on a trip to the Gold Coast. My son thought it was soft drink and cracked a can and took a sip. He told us straight away he must have felt guilty, she says.

I pretended to call the nurse who told me if he didn't eat an apple, he would have to have his stomach pumped. He's 10 now and he often talks about his near miss of having to go to hospital. At the time, I was impressed with his ability to open a can since he'd never even had a soft drink before. He's obviously seen a few times that can being opened. Jessamine lacks a drink. Last one, Ash, from Leela.

Leela says, whenever my daughter had a tantrum from toddler age, my stepmom would say, look, a mouse. And they'd run around the house trying to look for it. It worked every time to distract her. It's now been passed on to my son and nieces and nephew. My daughter is nine and I still think she looks for a mouse along with her brother and her cousins. So it's distraction. My mom does that, dude.

No way. My mom goes. Oh, that's right. My mom goes. What color is that bird? It's a white cat. It's a white cat in the backyard. And Lola's like, what the fuck?

So distraction. That's genius. Random animal. I'm going to try it. Cat outside. Oh my God. It's a blue bird. Try it, dude.

I know you were saying that Lola was like, shut up. Just interrupting this episode to let you know that we have partnered with GWM for this year's City to Surf. You may have seen recently on our socials that I have taken on the role of head coach, whipping Ash into shape, getting him race day ready, because it's not just Ash and myself completing the 14 kilometers the 11th of August. We've decided to bring along the kids. Yes, Marley and Oscar will be in a very special GWM pram. So if you're watching the race on the weekend,

feel free to give us as much encouragement as you can. Also, one of the toughest parts of the race, Heartbreak Hill. If you see us struggling, please jump on in. Give us a hand pushing the pram up the hill. We will very much appreciate it. Well, after the race race if you and the kids are a little bit peckish good news ash and myself will be manning a barbecue down at bondi beach for a free sausage sizzle so come say hello gwm runs in the family now let's get back to the

episode uh questions i have a question for you matt gone has been burning at me for days. You've got two girls and I walked past a place that does ear piercing the other day. And there was a young girl in there about Macy's age getting her ears pierced. Now, I felt a bit uneasy about it. What made you feel uneasy? Go on. Let me just explain to you how I felt in total as a whole. First of all, I was like, there's a child being hurt. My first initial reaction, it was also, I don't know,

I just felt like for the parents, not judging, they've decided that now is the right time for them to, you know, that's their business. But at the same time, I felt like, wouldn't that really hurt the child? And is she not happy with the situation? She didn't seem unhappy. Was the child screaming? No.

No. Can you shut up? You keep on walking, mate. Yeah, no. This is what I mean. I was nervous for, that's what it was. I was nervous for her. For the impending hurt.

I've had my ears pierced before. Have you? Yeah. Both of them. Did you have little diamond ones? Nah. What did you have? Little hoops?

Nah, they were pearls. They were lovely. Stole them off the maid. Yes, I did have my ears pierced. Shocker. What kind of studs did you have? They were like black. That's racist.

It was very emo. Right. Yes. Where are you? It was very emo. Right. Yes. Where are you? Yes. I forget that. You had a big emo face. I did not.

We went to Blink-182 and you sang every single word. That's just being a millennial. How old were you, Ash, when you got your ears pierced? I was like 17 and my dad hated it. Did it hurt? Yeah. For how long afterwards? Feels like years.

A while. But I was like, so a couple of mixed emotions. One, I think I was just nervous for the little girl with the impending pain. But then I was also like, what age is the right age? Is there a wrong age? Like for you with two girls, I know I've got Macy, she's quite young. I still think it would be too young. But what age do you think? I think you put it on the kids i think i've seen i've seen toddlers getting the ears if

i said to oscar do you want to get a tattoo like yeah give him one then dude i've seen toddlers get the ears i think that's too young but i think if your child marley has asked to have ears pierced she sometimes loves with stickers to put the stickers on the ear and be like, look, daddy, I got my ears pierced. I'm like, that's great. If she genuinely wanted to get it done, I'd be like, yeah, it's going to hurt if you really want it. You wouldn't force it upon them though.

No, no, it's up to them. I remember I had this vivid, you know, some memories just stick out. That's called trauma my sister i think she must have been about 12 she was getting her ears pierced and i was with her and mom in the shopping center while she was getting it done i remember the screams she was hiding like under the bed where you sit on to get it done being like no and i remember which she wanted them done she wanted them done she wanted it done she just freaked out like you want the pain when it came to the moment of getting it

done it's like going on a roller coaster that's like sex i guess i get scared and i just remember that moment of her being like wow like why do people get this done but if marley came to me and said i really want my ears pierced and she continued with that request for a couple of weeks, and I was saying it's really going to hurt, but if you really want it done, we can go get it done, she wants it, sure. Would you show her like a YouTube of it first? Be like, this is what's going to happen. To see, it's not that you want to deter them.

I think it's a good introduction. To pain. To making decisions and those repercussions very well said not medical advice either not psychology I wanted to get my ears pierced but my mum wouldn't let me

I had frosted tips and I was like all I need now is an ear piercing and the look is complete ba ba ba she was like I wonder if they could if we could get a video of NSYNC and Superimpose our heads to it.

AI. Just mental note. That'd be fun. Baby. Mental note. I'm going to edge myself to it. I've said edging three times in the one episode. Question for you.

Yes. We had this one come in. I can't remember the name, but it stood out as being a unique question how many times do your kids fart per day let me just get the let me just get the notepad out i'll tally them up no i don't tally them up i would say my kids get accused of farting more than the actual fart oh yeah i'm like oscar even though it was me this guy and then because macy can't fight back, it always ends up being Macy. But surely April must know the difference between, like, a Macy or Oscar fart versus your fart.

Yeah, yeah. Mine are quite trumpety. Also, smell-wise. Yeah, Macy stinks. Marley's stink, dude. I changed a nappy the other day. I saw her anus wink. Oh, my God. and i was like oh that's one oh you know what you know

what's funny though i don't know if your kids are similar in the car this morning i let off a fart and it's all the steak that made me very very, very stinky. Car farts are good. They're like, dude, they're so pungent. And the kids in the back of the car, Lola just goes, hey, did someone fart? And I go, yeah, it was me. And she goes, uh. And they're not that affected by the smell.

Like they were like, all right. They just think it's so normal. Yeah. But like as you get older, it gets funnier and more frowned upon. And also, yeah, at what age do people start getting more disgusted in farts? I think there's like a scale. Not a scale, like a graph. And you go from being it funny to being it's disgusting back to it being funny again.

And like our age now, so funny. Farts are the best. Wow. So like- If Laura does a fart that's like i'm like that's funny when laura does a fart and it's like i'm like ah it's like a hot like a hot sigh like a hot sigh out of her anus Oh, sorry. Oh, what the hell did that come from?

Anyway, like this morning I had the heat. Just a sigh in the deep depths of summer. Sorry, Laura. I love you. Oh, I fucking lost it. No, I was in the car this morning with the heater on and I farted and that hit different. There's a couple of farts. A hot sigh, but in a sauna. Oh, yeah.

What about like when you fart in the shower and it's like so much stinkier? I love it. I love that. A hot sigh in the shower. Okay, let's get out of here, mate. That's enough shit. That's enough fart talk. If you've enjoyed this episode,

somehow. Please send it on to anyone out there who you think may benefit in some way. I have no idea. I don't. Yeah, maybe just keep it to yourself. Also, we love a review. Either on Apple Podcast

or Spotify it is the only thing that keeps Ash and myself happy in this mad world or go and join the Facebook group at Two Dating Dads on Facebook and we will accept you, we'll accept anybody jump on in, join the conversation

the longest wait is about one hour so far, oh I do have the very first 10 people who joined the. Oh, I do have the very first 10 people who joined the Facebook group. I'm going to give them a prize.

Prize. Other people who joined. It's a fart in a jar. Yeah. But I think that's it. That's it today. Goodbye.

That's everything. And we'll see you guys. No, actually, Ash is away next week. I am. Someone's going to be filling in. So, it's Laura.

Yeah. But it's a big there but even if we describe mix it right laura and potentially ellie as well yeah enjoy that one enjoy my dial in say hi just make sure everything's running smoothly perfect two doting dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.