Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #86 A Weekend With 14km, 3hrs, 2 kids and 1 pram!!

Episode Date: August 13, 2024

A few months ago Matt and Ash had the brilliant idea to sign up to the City 2 Surf with the kids. What an amazing experience it'd be for the family (they told themselves). Walking all the way from the city to the iconic Bondi Beach with 90,000 others - including the kids in the pram - it's be something their familiar who never forget ! Only problem was, Ash had to stay at Matt's the night before and Oscar got attacked (only kidding) by the cat, their taxi didn't arrive in the morning, the pram got a flat trye, they almost missed the start and one of the dad forget to bring water. BUT the good news it.. the finished the race just a casual 3 hrs later. Plus, we tackle your questions! Should parents be responsible for picking up after their kids at restaurants? What is the perfect fathers day gift? Make sure you share your best Parenting Lies with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  Buy our book which is now available in-store ! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Apologies. You did have something you wanted to tell me. Yeah, just really quickly. I know you've been wanting an update on Sue. Sue? Sue was the old lady I met by the coffee shop. Dogger died. I offered to pick up the new dog.

Rescue, rescue, rescue. Rescue dog, rescue dog. Said yes. Have now found out from someone else at the cafe that Sue has the dog. Not from me, no thanks to me, but someone else has offered to drive her. Did they brag about it? Like, beat you to it? I was like, hey, that was my job.

Fuck you. So, lovely Sue is with companion again. Yes. And you haven't seen Sue yet, though, have you? Not yet seen her. You're a snobber. Yeah. Not good enough for you, Sue.

That's all right. That's all right. That's all right. Fuck you. Very good. I'm glad she's got a new one. I'm also glad because there's nothing better than a companion. Well said. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J.

And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is also the bad. And the relatable. And if you've come wanting any advice, just going to warn you right now, in case you are new to the podcast,

no advice has ever been given, nor will it ever be given in the future. Not real advice anyway. Just the fake advice. Just the funny stuff. The synthetic. The synthetic. The synthetic advice. How are you, Matthew?

How are you? Look, I think we're both in the same boat here. Fatigued. We're fatigued. We're in recovery mode right now. I've got two blisters on both of my big toes. You got those blisters very quick. We are, of course, talking about the City to Surf,

which we completed last weekend. Yes, just the weekend, just gone. And yes, I did get blisters really early on. Yeah, we're like walking towards the taxi and you're like, oh, I've got blisters. I've only got myself to blame. I think maybe it might have been my sock-shoe combination. I sort of rushed out the door the day before and I grabbed some socks that I would usually wear with another pair of runners.

I think maybe they didn't agree. Your feet were like, what the fuck is this? I bring two brands together that didn't agree. I also like to keep like the Puma shoes with the puma socks or the it's definitely this is not a bullshit it's not sponsored anyway yes we did do the city of the circus oh and i'm gonna say it i have never been in a place with that many people i mean probably have the football stadiums and stuff blah blah, blah, blah. But like that many people on the same level. Yes.

It was like a – it was the human sea. I think, Ash, I think – I don't have the official numbers here, so if I'm wrong, I apologize. 90,000. Jeez. Could be wrong. Could be wrong. I heard someone say 90,000 and I was like, that sounds about right.

90,000 people. A lot of people. A lot. It was like a sea of people. I've never. Do you know what? I also forgot that because they do play it on the news and stuff every year. I don't really watch much news mainly because I can't handle the bad news.

If it's all good news, I'm there. Strap you in. I have seen it before on the news, but then this in real life, I was like, oh, yeah. It's like this is a thing and it was like a thing a fucking thing all right and it's exciting for the kids because you came to my house for a sleepover you brought oscar separate beds and it was nice it was nice the kids were excited we did almost have the whole event derail itself. Well, before we get to the derail, we did traumatise a small child with the wildlife that is your house.

Oh, okay. Sorry. You've forgotten. Sorry. So, Matt, as we know, Matt has a three-legged dog, Buster, who's quite a big boy. And for a small child that doesn't know Buster. Well, even adults are scared of him. Yeah. And he barks at everyone. He's got quite a big boy and for a small child that doesn't know Buster well even adults are scared of him yeah and he barks at everyone he's got a really really yeah really girthy bark

like that comes deep we have like many people someone say he's like just like delivering a parcel they hear Buster and they're like fuck this oh yeah yeah they're going the other way and then when he's like hopping half half hop, half running at you. Yeah, it's like a monster. Yeah. If it was like really dark, you'd be fucking petrified. Oh, yeah, just this like bouncing thing billowing towards you. So, there was that at first, which I pre-warned Oscar,

but I didn't pre-warn him until we pulled up at your house because I wouldn't have got him there. He would have been like, nope. We're going where there's a three-legged animal that is 40 kilos. It eat you but it won't and it's very loud i said to him he's three ladies why has he got three legs i said oh he lost he lost his other leg when he was a puppy and then he was like thinking about it and he was like where is it and i was like oh no, no, no, no, no. It's gone. It's long gone.

So, there was that. And that straight away, like, he didn't want to leave my side. I had to hold him the whole time. But then he sort of came good when he was outside. Buster was in his bed and, you know, Buster's all bark and then he's back to bed pretty much. So, there was that. And then he came around there's

also the cat which oscar had been around the cat that afternoon the cat's feral by the way i'm off the cat i know sometimes laura will post a video of me like sitting with the cat but yeah but overall i i'm not into the cat at all it's also very it's very swipey it's a swipey cat it like on the bench stools you walk past it and it'll just go yeah like you'll be walking past and like some claw will latch onto your jumper and you're like ellie my mom but the kids are constantly like coming to me being like the cats come for me again yeah oh god but it's sort of the cat i've noticed that the cats sort of become part of the background furniture of the house like it used to be the main focus because it was so small.

Now that it's grown, it's kind of like, there's the cat. Yeah. And then it will do those things for its attention, I would say. But kids all bathed, everyone got ready for bed. Oscar and I were in our separate room to obviously everyone else. And he was a bit nervous because you get that. It's a new environment. And he was like, I remember him saying that it's a new environment and he was

like i remember him saying hey daddy where are you gonna sleep and you're like don't worry i'm gonna come i'm gonna be right next to you yeah and just a bit of wind down time i said i can't be right back okay like what lights were still on like dim and this house is safe don't worry oscar there's nothing here that's gonna hurt you yeah i think it's gonna jump out in the middle of the night and attack you okay let's just yeah you know to rest put you at ease yes so after putting him at ease going good night buster's not coming upstairs he's got three legs he can't get upstairs and i'm like where's raspberry no one said anything about raspberry the cat anyway so i'm downstairs and i think we would i don't know what we're doing we're talking about something and then talking business yeah the diversified portfolio i hear this daddy and i was like

oh fuck what is it and then i'm half upstairs and he goes the cat and i look in the room and in the corner of the room of this dark room with a bit of light from the hallway is the beady eyes of a cat. Raspberry the cat. Like just looking directly. And I was like, get out of here. And he was so upset. And I don't think you guys really knew what was going on. You were sort of, there was a bit of ruckus still downstairs.

And then I was comforting him and he was like, come to bed now. I can't come to bed now. We've got some work to do. Matt and I are talking about diversified portfolios. We're investing. So, we'll be back in a second. Yeah. I was like, look, we've just got to do a little bit of a record and then just organize some

stuff for tomorrow and then I'll be in bed. That was a lie. It was a blatant lie just to keep me neat. I said, you know what? I had some toys downstairs that he brang that sort of comfort him a little bit. I was like, I'll go and get those for you. But don't worry, that cat is gone. I said, the cat is not coming back.

The cat's not coming back in. I've just scared the shit out of it. It's not coming back. I took two steps down the stairs. The cat's quick, by the way. So quick. I took two steps down the stairs and I hear this, Danny, the cat's back. And I quickly rushed up to it. And at at this point you also realized what was happening and you were like oh shit ran upstairs and i'm like

ran into the room also gets this weird second wind at around like around at seven eight o'clock it's like someone gives it a line of cocaine it just bounces off the walls off in his room and it was like, love me. Yeah, like I'm just looking for somewhere to sleep. And then- Have you ever watched the movie Aliens where that little alien attaches to someone's face and latches on? That's pretty much when Oscar's in bed with his cat wrapped around his face, claws like

into the back of his skull. He's like- I feel bad and feel sorry for him because we did forget about Raspberry, that the cat would be around. We just were worried about the big bad dog. But then, yeah, it took a little bit of calming down before he actually went to sleep. Sorry about that, Oscar. But, yeah, so he's- Went to sleep, had a great sleep.

We all woke up early that morning because yourself, me, Laura also was joining in on the City to Serve. Three kids, three prams two prams actually sorry i lied two well one's like two a double and we thought the best way to get in is a maxi taxi yep a pre-booked maxi maxi taxi because we've gone very mature of us very mature very organized we actually you and me were like laura help us book a taxi because we don't know how to call she she booked the taxi. Morning of, doesn't show up.

People are starting to panic. I was skeptical, but I didn't want to add to the stress and the tension of the household. A lot of tension that morning. A lot of tension. Anyway, we call Ubers. One rocks up for Laura. We throw on her pram.

Lola and Laura are off in the Uber. Next thing, I come back downstairs and Laura's like, who wouldn't take Lola? She's too young. And then I'm like, okay, so what are you going to do? She goes, I want to drive up my car and our Uber's coming. Our kids are old enough to jump in the Uber. Next thing, Laura goes, did you get the pram out of the back of the taxi,

back of the Uber? Out of the first Uber, yeah. Out of the first Uber. I wasn't- To back you up and Laura will still not believe, even though you've got a witness. I was inside. She's got zero witnesses.

Yeah, I will say my witness is not the most reliable person. Well, hang on. She does have a sketchy past. Wouldn't be anyone's first choice in a court of law. We get it. We get it. All right? I'm untrustworthy.

But you were in the- I remember she called you and we were walking down the hallway and got down and she was full panic about it and Lola was like, what's going on? Like, no idea what's going on. And then she's also on the phone to the cab company trying to book another cab and an old mate in the first Uber has taken off so there would have been no chance, no opportunity for you to- Retrieve.

Yeah, so long story short, Matt got blamed for the loss of a pram. We lost the pram. We lost the pram. Before even leaving the house. Before leaving the house. It's like 7.15 right now AM and it's already falling apart. I know. Imagine being a fly on the wall in a house.

Oh, my God. We were yelling at each other on the street. The neighbours must have been like, gosh, someone's been attacked. I was like, Oscar, just you be quiet now. We'll both be quiet. Just let this play out. Just don't want to add any fuel to the fire. I was going to be like, when you and Laura were having a little tip

about whose fault it was, I was going to be like, yeah, man, why did you leave? Oh, my God. I was like, it's 7 o'clock. I can't believe you did it, actually. Self-restraint. Do you know what stopped me from that? Our Uber driver was lovely.

He was nice. I thought, he doesn't need this. So, luckily, we have the other pram. Yeah. A massive pram as well. So, Laura's grabbed that. Somehow, she ended up in a train. I thought we'd never see her again.

We did see her, yeah. We thought she did. She's's like i've ended up in newcastle and this is your fault why are you at the airport shut up it was such a frazzled morning but then we get out ourselves and we've got a pram kindly donated by gwm can i just say a lot of people have been like oh must be nice to roll around in that. Is it Thule? Yeah. We'll get to why we did the scissors surf shortly. But it was donated to us to use, not to keep. To borrow.

To borrow. I mean, although they probably want us to keep it now after the kids trashed it. Oh, it's absolutely like a brothel in there right now. It's so bad. But we get out. As all the parents listening You unfold the pram Which is An exercise in itself

Kids get in We realise That we haven't Pumped the tyres On the stand We pushed it round With no kids in it Once we have

Two kids in it Flat tyres They're not run flats Yeah They're not those European run flats It was like a proper Like racing bike

And at this point I'm like I can't take it anymore I know We're not even I was like I'm not doing the race like racing bike. And at this point, I'm like, I can't take it anymore. I know. I was like- I'm not doing the race. You can do it on your own. I think I looked at you and I was like, do we have to do this?

Anyway, luckily and randomly, Hyde Park on the corner has like a bike pump. Yeah. It could be confused as an explosive though. Yeah. It was a bit like that, but it saved us. We're just solving problems here. It was, they don't make it easy. And then the crowd.

And then the crowd. And then Marley's like, is it over yet? And I'm like, well, strap on in, kid, because we've got 14 of the best kilometres in Sydney to conquer. Yes, we all lined up on the start line, which was so crowded. Like, to be fair- I saw a dad.

In our wave, it was like the family walking wave. I saw a dad with twins, newborns. That's right, because we were sitting there and we were getting a photo, and I think we were taking the photo and you were like, twins, look. And I was like, quick, guys, grab one. Everyone crowded around. But, yeah, we'll line up in the family and friends section,

which this is the first time I've ever done City to Surf, as I said before. And when we rolled out, I'm like, all these prams, I'm like, these are our people. These are our people. These are our people. And people were like, it's you guys. And, like, getting photos with us.

And it was, like, really nice to, like, be with you guys. And like getting photos with us. And it was like really nice to like be with- Camaraderie. Camaraderie of parents who want to do this and think it's going to be really fun. Well, at least they don't know yet. Think it's going to be really fun with their kids. It actually quite was, but it was very long. Very long. Marley ended up having a sleep.

Lola, who was with Laura, also had a sleep. And both of them woke up and they were like, are we still walking? I know. Where are we? Oscar trooped through the whole thing. He did so well. It was really awesome to see how many different variations of families are on it because you've got the twins. Then there was some-

Disco dad. Disco dad who had a DJ deck in a pram and his kid next to him. So he's made his kid give up his seat for a DJ and it was like techno kid. In favor of like a five foot high speaker. Oh, and he was just like- And he's like, dad, can we just please turn the music down and can I sit in the pram? And he's like, no. No, dance.

But, you know, there was like a slightly older kid. Heaps of fans. I was shocked. You had the old person trying to run through and get a PB. And us prams. We're like, it's like on a highway where like the big semi-trailer, like road trains stick together and block people out. Yeah.

We'd like block in runners. Not today, son. We were slipstreaming behind them. But, you know, we did walk it with the family. And like I said, there was so many. If you'd have come to me and said, we're going to run the City to Surf with our family, I would have been like. Do you reckon that's going to work out?

But we were lucky enough to team up with GWM who brought us together. They said, look, we've got an idea for you guys. We want you guys to break the record. And we were like, we won't do that, but we'll bring the kids. And they're like, done. Yeah. They're like, we really want you guys as a family to show that it can be done by family. Yes.

And we did it. We successfully did it. I think we got halfway. There was a billboard of us. Oh, yeah. That set us back about 20 minutes because we wouldn't stop getting photos. They were like, hey. We're like, everyone look over here.

And it was huge. It was big. I thought it was going to be like the back of a truck. Like a Vespa. Or like a bus stop and it's like, look, I'm on a bus stop. We were as big as a bus. I was like, holy. And it's weird because halfway I was getting quite tired, very fatigued.

The feet were sore and nothing spurs you on like a picture of yourself that's 20 foot wide. It really does give you a boost. It does. And that got us back. That was at the top of Heartbreak Hill, wasn't it? Yes. Which is when we needed it.

So many broken hearts up there. And do you know what? I think it's harder to walk than it is to run. I've woken up this morning and the body is very sore. My calves are very sore. Yeah. The front of my calf. I'm sore everywhere in places I didn't think and the body is very sore. My calves are very sore. Yeah. The front of my calf. I'm sore everywhere in places I didn't think I was going to be sore.

I carried Oscar on my shoulders for like three or four Ks just to give him a break from the race ramp, in the luxury race ramp. And at that angle, he was like, there's so many people down here. I didn't even really realize. But, oh, yeah, today I was like, oh, God, why? Now I know how the Olympians feel. Similar. Look, I felt very proud of myself.

Once it was done, we pulled up, we crossed the finish line. There was heaps of people around. It's a great vibe. It's an amazing vibe. We were ushered up to GWM, had a little spot for us. They fed us. They gave us liquids. They bathed us.

They bathed us. They had the kids running around and stuff, and the aura was great. It was great. So, big shout out to GWM for having us be involved in this year's City to Surf. Thank you. Yes, and also bringing us and our families in to do it instead of just being like you boys are running where was april um someone's gonna stay home bring macy bring my favorite child

please next year next time next time so yes thank you gw can i play you just a very quick message you sure can just a very quick message i've sent it to you already on your phone this is when we're talking about oscar getting a cap on his tooth and a kid losing their tooth. So I got a message. I was worried because we don't talk about dentists favorably. You know how I feel about dentists. I know. Be nice. She's a fan of the show. Hey guys, I'm actually just listening to your latest episode of Two Doting Dads and I'm actually a student dentist. First of all, love how often we're talking about dentists on this random it's such a random topic to consistently bring up but i just

wanted to confirm for you guys that you are born with all of the chemical properties and materials and biology to create your teeth but it takes up until you're about six years old for you to actually have those teeth in your jawline for them to be fully developed. So then if you take an X-ray of a six-year-old's mouth, you can see that double layer. But before then, there's no evidence of the double layer. Thanks. Love the potty.

Cheeky little love the potty at the end. Love that. Well, there you go. There you go. Well, I'm glad we got to the bottom of that. And I was nervous. She was like, I'm actually a student dentist. And I was like, oh, God.

She's like, I made a formal complaint about the podcast. Don't you listen to the podcast? Because we don't talk about dentists in the most, like, kindness of manners. Between them and rural doctors. Yeah. Next thing is, I'm a rural doctor. I just want to say thank you so much. I was going to say thank you.

We also have feelings. There you go. Thank you, to say thank you so much. I was going to say thank you. We also have feelings. There you go. Thank you, dental student Kate. Love that. Is she fully qualified, though, and can we- Can we trust her? Can we find her- Is her information reliable?

It does sound very precise. But there you go. I always wondered. I thought newborns would- Do they have anything? Like I said, dentists are just mouth salesmen. And they do the sales part of their education. Yeah.

No, early on. I thought you were going to say like I'm going to get a message from her like again next week and she's like, hey, just so you know, we have a sale currently on for fillings if you're ever in need. And we think that you need a lot. Actually, Kate, I do need to see a dentist. My mouth is fucking killing me. Why?

What's wrong? I don't know. I think karma's come around to bite me. Which part of the mouth? Pun? Karma's come around to bite me? Yeah, there he is. Sorry.

Honestly, my mouth aches continuously. Yeah, that's not good. We'll figure it out. Okay. Okay. YOLO. That's what the kids are saying these days? Sort it out.

I will. I plan to, but this week I cannot because we are too busy, my friend. Make sure you don't act like our forefathers who were all idiots and never got themselves checked out. I promise I will. Okay, good. I'm very excited for this part now. Very.

You've just really perked up. Very. Hey, what's that? Ash, it was your birthday on Sunday. City to Surf Day. City to Surf Day. We didn't get to celebrate it too much because we're so busy walking, but I got this for you.

Sorry that it's ripped. Hey, it's an upgrade from last year where you forgot happy birthday i hope you enjoy it thank you can i open it now you're hoping i open it now yeah yeah open it now for sure it's already half open i love that you've wrapped it in the postal bag that it comes in I know you haven't what's this oh my goodness it's a childproof I just said this is something that I thought you may need please be a penis pump Is it a fleshlight? I don't know. Oh, my goodness. What have you got there, mate? I've got the fleshlight turbo thrust.

Let's get it out. Let's give it a go. Oh god i ordered that online oh yeah i would hope you didn't go and go give us the the fleshlight turbo it looks pretty good thank you thank you the hard thing was ash finding the right size well i was like do you want the mouth do you want the vision do you want the mouth? Do you want the vision? Do you want the anus? Or there's actually weirdly, there's a market for alien vaginas. They were out of stock.

They were out of stock. I would have taken the alien vagina, but that's fine. That's what I tried to buy. I'll take the regular human vacuum texture. I'll just read you some of the key benefits. Now, what I'll do is I'll read the description. Please. I'm very excited.

April's not going to be so thrilled. The Fleshlight Turbo Thrush offers you the most realistic and satisfying alternative to oral sex, alien oral sex, uniquely designed with three points of initial – three points of insertion? Room for one more. Anyway, I won't go through the whole description because we'll be here all day.

It looks- It's got an outer ring, an entry point, and an inner ring. Just the way I like them. It says up top, the number one selling male sex toy. It does too. They all say that though. They all say that, yeah. That's great

Thank you It's very thoughtful I see a lot of thought Has gone into this It's probably one of the most Thoughtful gifts I've ever received You're very welcome We often joke about

The old flashlight We do I'm just waiting for a dentist To jump out now April's gonna hate that Sorry It's okay I'm never gonna get to use it

Because she'll be like, yo, that's disgusting. Don't use it. She doesn't have to know, mate. I better use it before this comes out. Yeah, you've got like 24 hours to use it as many times as you can. I'll be like skinny by the time you see me next. It drained me.

Like can't get off the couch. Can't believe you see me next to the door. It drained me. Like, can't get off the couch. Can't believe you bought me a flashlight. Do you know, I nearly, for your birthday last month, I nearly bought you a flashlight. Well, why didn't you? I think I forgot. Can't remember why. I thought about it and then I was like,

oh, I think just time got away from me. As it often does. As it often does. I'm yet to use my spa voucher, by the way. Oh, yeah. Same thing. Same thing, yeah. Pretty much, more or less.

Pretty much. Depends what suburb you're in. Yeah, for sure. Shall we go to Lies? Yeah. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lies, do, do me lies. I've got a quick one here. Yep.

This is from Robin. And Robin says here that she took her kids to a concert. Want to see the Wiggles? Well, that's what you think. But her kids were being an absolute nightmare. Little terrors, she says. So halfway through, there's an intermission yeah and robin goes well that's it the concert's over let's get out of here that if i had an award that's right up

my alley i love that i've considered that with things. Kids are none the wiser. They have no idea. Also, you beat the traffic. Yeah. You're out the car park first. That's genius. Very good. Very good. This one from Carly.

I do this too, but not quite. It's slightly different. So, I'll give you her lie and then I'll tell you my variation of the lie. Please. I love it when parents write in things I do as well. So, this one from Carly says, there's a light on at the park that only parents can see when it's too busy and can't fit any more kids.

So what I do is if we go anywhere remotely near a park, just say, where are you supposed to live in Worrywood? In the swamp. See, I've moved out of the swamp. I'm in the valley now. Must be nice. It isn't. It's fucking dusty in here.

Anyways. He's a hard man to please. I am. I just want to live comfortably. Poor old Frank's probably like, why don't you listen to the podcast and see how Ash is enjoying living with me? And he's like, it's so dusty.

I was leaving my car next week. We have to record from my car. So we used to go near this park called Rocket Ship Park, which is iconic in the area. And if we go, yeah, we're going to go down to the park. If we got too close and I could see there was way too many birthday parties on, I would say, oh, bummer, kids. There's too many people in the park.

They just can't have any more. It's full. Or I go, they've booked it out it's a private party so what do you do you just go back home just turn around and go somewhere else yeah there's other parks in the area or i just go do you want to go to the shops and they're like yeah get some off pretty quick always go oh do you know baby chino that usually ah baby chino trumps everything. It's like crack. Yeah. I think it's just the marshmallow they really want.

But they can get a marshmallow without directly asking me for a marshmallow. They can go, baby Chino. And I'm like, yeah, okay. And they get a marshmallow and they're like, got him. Throw the little cup to the curb. Ash, I've got a quick one here. Marley does this quite a lot. I might try this.

So she says, in order to get me to stop sucking my thumb when I was really young, my mom told me that if I kept on doing that, it would turn red, then purple, and then fall off. I ignored her warning and kept on doing it. One night when I was sleeping, my mom dyed my thumb red. I woke up and freaked out, but quickly resumed sucking my thumb.

The next night, she died of purple. I freaked out so bad that I never sucked on it again. That is commitment to the lie. Yeah. Oh, my God. She says here, my brother wouldn't stop. She had him sedated and removed his thumb that night. That part was, I made that up.

Okay. I gathered. Just in case. Just in case. You never know. You never know. You never know who's listening. But I think like if you're going to commit,

and so lies are really easy because you could just be like, hey. Short, sharp. That lemon's red. And they're like, no, it's like you must be colorblind because that's a red lemon. Idiot. Idiot.

But to actually go days and commit to it is- Yeah. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo, they say. Matt, this is from Nicole. Hi, Nicole. Hi, Nicole.

Thank you for writing in. I appreciate it. And if you do want to write in for yourself, you can DM us at Two Doting Dads Instagram or join the Facebook group. Facebook, type in 2DotingDads. Join the conversation. We may or may not accept you. We will accept you.

We accept everyone. Yeah. Except for predators. Yeah, we have a very strict screening process. Yes. It's like you have a first and a last name, you're in. You're in. So this one's from Nicole and she says,

I tell my five and two year old that if they don't clean up the playroom the cleaners will throw away whatever is left on the floor genius very good except when they're like you got to follow through with that she says they think the cleaners come three times a week they only come once a fortnight you've got to be able to follow through on that one though i would always tell tell Oscar that if he was misbehaving, whatever toy he had at the time, I'm throwing that out if he doesn't stop. And I got so frustrated with him one time in the old place

at the swamp. Upstairs had balcony doors and he was upstairs and he was just being an absolute turd. So I snatched the car out of his hand. And you threw it. Launched it out the doors onto the main road and the car just went bushka. That's impressive. He screamed.

And April was like, the fuck did you do that for? It's just a threat. I'm like, not in this house, it's not. You've got to follow through. They realise. Yeah, once they get you. And actually, my mum just said to me the other day, she's like, don't make threats you can't follow through with.

I'm like, do you know who you're talking to? Yeah, I am scared of nothing. I am scared of nothing. It's always like, three, come here. Come here, two. If I get to one, you're in trouble. Not once have I made it to one. I remember once, because my mum used to count up.

Do your countdown family. I'm a countdowner We're a count up family Generations of count upers My mum used to count up and I would go I remember one time I said to her You're going to have to count a lot higher than that And she hit me with the wooden spoon So fucking hard you're fucking

smarter oh yeah it was oof and i would have been sub 10 i was like you don't have to count louder than that whack wow anyway long long line of count uppers. Explains a lot. Your mum was doing it all wrong. I know. I was like, I'm going to questions, but that was my question. Are you a countdown or a count upper? Let's go into some listener questions, Matt. Please.

Would you like to go first? I'll go first. I'll go first. This one came through. They wanted to be anonymous, but they just said, when you're out at a restaurant eating with the kids, is it the responsibility of the parents to clean up after the children or is it solely on the waiter or waitress to clean up when you guys leave if you're going to leave a tip a nice tip it's on the waiter i think i never tip yeah i know it's very rare unless it's like a

sitting around here and the kids made a blatant mess and they've, without you asking or leaving it to clean up, they come and they actually just clean it up as part of the service, I think that's typical because you've saved me doing it and you've saved me walking out and then you going, oh, that fucking cockhead just left his fucking shit everywhere. See, as someone who used to work in hospitality, Ash, I very much believe in I like to be that annoying person at the table

who's like stacked up the plates. I've got all the cutlery in like one section. I'll make their life easy. Right. So you would fully clean up after you do? Only because I'm just so desperate to be liked. Thank you. That waiter must love me.

Love me. Love me. Look what I've done. I'm in the kitchen cooking with the chef. Is this enough? He's like, I'll carry it back to the dishwasher for you. And you're just in there. Like, rinse it.

Look, I think you've got to make it so it's not. If it's an absolute fucking, if they've thrown food on the floor and shit like that, no. I think, actually, here we go. Go on. This has just come to me. I don't know how it's going absolute fucking- If they've thrown food on the floor and shit like that, no. I think- Actually, here we go. Go on. This has just come to me. I don't know how it's going to come out.

I don't know how it's going to start. I don't know how it's going to end. This is a place of zero judgment. You can say anything and it's fine. I feel like if anything is dropped off the table, it is now the responsibility of the parent. Yeah. If it's on the table, unless you're taking it with you,

that's the restaurant's responsibility. Very good. Very good. That came out beautifully. Thank you. I just looked at the floor. I looked at the table and I thought- There's a clear line here.

There is a clear line that divides the tabletop to the floor. I'm going to put that on a T-shirt. If it's going to be quite long. If it hits the floor, it's your responsibility. That's great responsibility that's great that's good gerald write that down well what do you reckon look i i agree i agree and if you want to be a people pleaser like me i mean hey go nuts lick the table clean is that okay sir it's like when we go to restaurants I bring a mop with me

and I believe in mopping the floor underneath the table before we leave. And I'm like, is this enough? You walk in with one of those vacuum cleaner backpacks? Yeah. Strapped up. You're like. And they're like, we didn't order a cleaner. I'm like, that's all right.

We're just here for lunch. All right. Go to Dyson. Matt, I have a question for you. Please. And this is more someone needs your advice. You've come to the right place. It is anonymous, but I'm assuming it's from a mum

because she was saying it's going to be my partner's first Father's Day coming up. Congratulations. Congratulations. And there's going to be a lot of firsts for all dads, but this one's the most important one, I believe, putting that on a T-shirt too. She has asked what she should get this young father for Father's Day

other than a... No. Other than a Fleshlight Turbo Trust 4000. We're actually giving one away. It's slightly used. That would be a great sponsor for the podcast. Oh, yeah. What's the actual brand?

Fleshlight. If you're watching, I'll take one in every size you've got. So, the question is- First Father's Day, what do you get? Well, what do you get any day on a Father's Day? But I think the first one is very important because it's the first time you get to celebrate that you have- Been there. impregnated

someone that you're not a virgin yeah we get this question a lot i often see this question floating around the facebook group even on life uncut terrible podcast dreadful is that about circumcision very good very good but yeah can i credit laura for that joke it's really quick yeah guys thank you uh very hard to buy for for men i believe especially when you're an adult buying for actually buying for any adult is hard because when you're of a certain age you need something you just buy it let's get him a toy yeah also there's i don't know if you saw this video getting around on the internet it was a classic man response is like oh you don't need to get me anything like that but you really you're like she fucking better get me something but there is one gift one gift only actually which i believe to be the only gift that will make

any dad happy let me see if i can guess i keep i keep the sect to me close that is number two okay three after the flashlight gotta get this flashlight off the Yes. Vasectomy. Close. That is number two. Three, after the flashlight. Got to get this flashlight off the table. I know. My father-in-law is going to walk in and say,

what kind of podcast is this? Put it under his shirt and walk back upstairs. It's a bit small, this one. My mouth water. No, sorry. There is one gift, Ash, and it just so happens, and I don't want to sound like I'm being too biased here, but this gift was created by you and me. It was. It is. It is a book. It's a book. Two Donating Dads and the Quest for Free Time. I mean, and was that question anonymous or did I write that in myself? We'll never know. Well, you fooled me. You wrote it like 55

times. It's like, ask this one, ask this one. This one, Ash, this one. And as this episode is live now, so is the book. Yeah, so it came out yesterday. Yeah, correct. Tuesday, the book was available. Now you can, we were saying pre-order before, now you can get it, you can touch it, you-order before now you can get it you can touch it you can sniff it you can lick it do whatever you want with the book you can read it as well if that's what i know i tried to read it to oscar macy and because they're in it they're like how did that happen there before i get to the like they're just like why are you doing this

why am i doing that before it's like getting to the actual story. Did they like it or didn't get it? They hated it. No, it's a great fun read. It's not just for the kids. There's hopefully some relatability in there, but also- It's about two dads who are trying to catch up for a drink, reminiscing about the times before they were parents. Free time. And I think, honestly, I really think that both parents, any parent deserves some free time.

It's the most important part. Absolutely. You need time to yourself to recharge from the little creatures that suck the life right out of you. Well said. Provide you with moments of joy, but majority of the time make life hell. But then, as we all know, when you're trying to get some free time, they fucking get sick or some shit like that.

Yeah, there's always some disaster. There's always something. It's a never-ending just situation of putting out fires and it has quite the twist ending that you want yes oh should we give it away no no you'll have to read it 1995 we'll put a link in the show notes but we would we would love for you guys to get behind the very first book that ash and i have ever written hopefully it's the first of many. Yes. We have to sell, I don't know how many we've sold. One million.

No, I don't know. I think we've sold 100, but we bought them all. But it looks, man, I'm so proud. Oh, as am I, yeah. And Ash and I, in addition to having like sore hips, sore knees, sore feet, blisters, we also have sore wrists. Not because we jack each other off. Sorry.

Beat me to it. Sorry. You beat me to it. Sorry. We don't need to do that anymore. Because. We were at the warehouse this morning and we signed a number of coffees. Okay, let's get through this and get over it.

We signed a number of copies that went out. And get through this and get over we we signed a number of copies that went out and uh and as i was signing like the 50th book i was like this a hurts a lot and it's not good for my rsi but also b is really cool it's great it's great it's it's a we've been talking about this book for a long time it's here it's taken forever to like writing a book even though it's only about 10 pages oh there's a lot of like- Writing a book, even though it's only about 10 pages, is a lot of bloody work. Imagine writing a book that's like 300 pages. It'd take you 30 years.

I'd never do it. And also, ours has got like four words on every page. It's like- I don't know how people do it. Maybe that makes it harder. But it still makes us authors. We are now published authors. We are, yes.

So, I can't wait to change my LinkedIn. All the real authors out there are like, hey, hey, hey. Yeah, get out of here. You don't belong here. Yeah, well, I do. But yeah, it's available now. And for those of you who have bought the book, we hope you enjoy it. Yes, we do.

On that note, Matt. Yes. Let's go. Let's get out of here. If you've enjoyed this episode, we would love it if you would give us a review, subscribe, a number of stars either on apple podcast or on spotify and as ash mentioned before we had the facebook group which has ballooned out to 2 000 members bursting at the seams surely that's 2 000 book sales

we're yeah i mean i hope so we're going to start getting more strict on the Facebook group, soon to be as strict as immigration in the USA. So if you want to get in, now's the time. Leave a review. I've already said that. Have you? I've already said that. I'm tired and sore. I know you are.

Let's get out of here. You need to enjoy your birthday gift. We'll see you guys next Wednesday. See you. Bye. and we'll see you guys next Wednesday see ya bye