Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #87 The Chief Would Like Some Of Your Oreos

Episode Date: August 20, 2024

Ash has returned from his trip galavanting across the seven seas - well actually, just one sea en-route to Vanuatu. Whilst on an island, he and the family were treated to an amazing cultural experience with a tribe. Turns out, probably not the best activity for a 3 year old. Matt is battling to get his girls to gymnastics at the moment and just when he convinced Lola there's nothing cooler than a back walkover full twist on a beam, she tripped and ate bitumen. She's only just started to walk again after extensive rehabilitation. Plus, we tackle your questions! What age should you transition your toddler into a big bed? How do you handle the situation of a loved one passing with your kids? Make sure you share your best Parenting Lies with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  Buy our book which is now available in-store ! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ask the question everyone wants answered. Yeah. How was the fleshlight? Still boxed up, my guy. That's a lie. It isn't a lie. I promise. I promise because I did have you on speakerphone when I said to April,

guess what Matty J got me? And she played a pretty cool cue. Yeah, on the phone. She was like, oh, that's so thoughtful. She's like, that's going to be fun. And then she pokes her head back and she goes, don't let me catch you using that fucking thing. Burn it now.

Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting and fleshlights. The good, the bad. And the fleshlight. If you've come wanting any type of fleshlight advice, say it because that is what we're talking about now.

That's what we're talking about. It's fleshlights and... Two fleshlighting dads. And shit. That is like the two main topics of what we talk about. I can't tell if people enjoy the shit chat or if they're like, oh, God, it's another. Someone was like, two grown men talking about shit is deplorable. Really?

And I was like, have a laugh, cockhead. What else is there to talk about? Nothing. Kids shit a lot. We shit a lot. Oh, yeah. That too. What's going on?

What's happening? What have I missed? Well, one- I feel like I see you every day now. I know. I've got nothing to talk- Let's just sit here for an hour. We had, what was it, 10 days of not seeing each other.

We did, yes, which we'll get into. We'll get into shortly. Both of us were aching. Aching for some company. I don't know about aching. And we're like- I did call you, I think like stay seven in. And I was like, anyway, I'm going to go.

And you were like, don't edge me like that. Don't ring me. You'd call me and you'd be like, hey, I'm like, hey. And you're like, oh, I've got to go. And I'm like, oh, such a tease. God. I think I just wanted to whinge at you because we'd ran out of nappies on the ship and I'd just walked 14 sets of stairs and I was like

so hungover too because I did karaoke the night before and I was like, I've got to go. And you're like, don't you dare ring me up and edge me over the phone. You call, I get comfy, I sit down, I strap on in. Pull your dick out. Yeah, I sit there and then you're like, I can't talk right now. I'm like, Jesus Christ. I know what you're doing.

We're playing. Sorry. Sorry. So we didn't talk about it last episode. But I do want to know how the cruise went. Because we went on a cruise for the first time together. You've now ditched me. No.

No. You wanted to try and work more around Laura as the doting husband that you are. Guilty. So don't you dare throw me under the bus. When you were just doing something nice for you and your family. Because you were like, hey, I'm thinking about taking this two-month cruise all throughout the Pacific. And I was like, oh, I don't know if Laura's schedule allows for that.

And you're like, see you. Yeah, sorry. We wanted to do a longer one, like, and something in the cold weather here but warm weather somewhere else. So sue me. Talk me through it. I did it with my family and my mum and my dad. And one thing I did realise I started doing early on was because my mum was there.

And you probably do it with Laura too when you're talking to your kids, you refer to each other as mummy and daddy. I started to do that with my mum. I had called her mummy a few times i started doing that as well and i was like oh fuck and then of course my mom would not let me live it down every time i'm like mom she'd be like that's mummy to you you know like posh english people say that a lot mummy mama papa montyty and mummy. I said it the other day in the kitchen. I was like, mummy, what's for dinner? Laura was like, what the hell was that?

And I was like, I mean, Ellie, nothing. We've got steak tonight or what? It was a really good trip. It was out to Vanuatu. Must be nice. It was. Must be. It was very nice.

Bit bumpy on the way out, but we left on the day that the ferries were all shut because the swell was so big. Yeah, it was huge. It was massive. But we were- Because you have, what's it called? The departure party? No, it's not that.

Yeah, it's the sail away. Sail away, sail away. And it was actually okay because- Can I just say, for those people who have not been fortunate enough to go on a cruise, the moment you leave port, they have a sail away party. Just everyone gets really drunk on the deck. Pretty much.

But like the good thing was a sail away takes place, you know, when you're still in the harbour pretty much, which is not because you go past the bridge, the opera house, all the iconic Sydney things. And then we got out. It was just a bit bumpy later on. You were like, oh, like you were pissed. I was, but also you're definitely off balance.

Like bumping into the walls. And you don't have your sea legs yet, essentially. But, yeah, it was a nice smooth trip up. And then you get to the islands. Which ones did you go to? We went to Vanuatu. We went to Vanuatu. You went to Fiji as well? No. No, just Vanuatu. We went to Vanuatu. You went to Fiji as well?

No. No, just Vanuatu. Three islands in Vanuatu. I can't remember what they're called. Port Vila was one, Mystery Island. And I can't remember the first one. Non-critical. But the kids, it's their second cruise this year.

So they acclimatize really quickly. The kids club is amazing. If you've got kids and you want to ditch your kids for like a trip, that is the place because they send you the – every day they send you the schedule of what's going on and the kids are frothing. Do you remember we were on the last trip together and the first morning, this is day two, the line for kids club.

It wasn't like that. Yeah, because everybody was saying this is not normally like this, but it was like an hour wait to drop your kids off. And I was like, oh God, I'm just not going to bother. We didn't bother. No, no. And it was only a short trip, that one. We got there registered pretty early, pretty easy.

It was actually very, very easy compared to the last one, which is good. So, they've obviously improved that. So, that's amazing. But we got to the islands and it was really hot. The first island we got to, it was kind of like being on a boat for a few days and then getting off and you pretty much walk straight into like a local market. It's just them trying to sell you their crap, you know, as they do. What are they selling?

A lot of like sarongs and shit. Did you buy any? No. That was like the first stop, which was, it was a pretty average place to be completely honest with you. I'm not going to lie. It was nice like when he got around to like where the main city is on, it was like on their harbor you're not a big sarong guy not a big sarong guy yeah so you were like what else have you gotten like just sarongs lay it on me what

then we went to the next island the next day and it was raining and we had a beach tour book so that's no good either nice great but we made the most of it anyway like oscar that's the video of april pissing in the water yeah that was great that was a highlight but that was good and on that tour there was a little bit of like the tour guide was really informative like what's around what they do what they grow what they what do they go they live uh coconuts and that you know the fruits that are in season and stuff like that. Please, go on. No. But the third trip we did, which is Mystery Island, absolutely beautiful.

Here we go. It was pish, pish? Picturesque. Well said. Well said. It was picturesque. It was like, this is a tropical island. It was beautiful. Any sarongs? Yeah, sarongs. Still sarongs. That's right. Sarongs are the constant. It was sarque. It was like, this is a tropical island. It was beautiful.

Any sarongs? Yeah, sarongs. Still sarongs? That's right. Sarongs are the constant. It was sarong weather. Yeah, great. Made sense. But that day we had a modern cultural tour booked and it was like the nicest day.

And I was like, oh, fuck. Yeah, fully. You're like, I just want to lay on the sand. Yeah, that's a bit. I can't tell if you'd be a kind of sunbaking, relaxing kind of guy. No, you're not. What do you like to do? Surf.

I don't need to yell at you, dude. If I didn't have a tour booked, I would have tried to find someone to take me surfing somewhere. I would have tried to find something. But we had the cultural tour as a group, all of us, my family and my parents. Lovely. And they take you across to this island of like-

There's three tribes. There's like a southern tribe, a northern tribe, and a central tribe. One of them is like French speaking because of the colonialism. I'm not sure. Is that the right word? Not sure. I'm not a history teacher. And then there's the north one, but the one they take you to the central one.

And it's a beautiful place. They've got little kids, little school, little church. I don't know if you've ever taken two small children on a cultural tour. Can't say I have. No, actually, we were in Fiji a little while ago and they did like an outdoor dinner followed by a show. But it was kind of- That's entertaining.

It was a bit scary, actually. The kids were petrified because they came out and they were like, with breathing fire. I don't know what I expected. I thought, I'll take the kids on a cultural tour. Maybe it'll snap some sense into these spoiled little kids. Anyway, we got there. We were like walking through and you go to like,

they take you, there's like three stops on this tour. It's all walking. It's not far. And the first one is about, you know, their housing, how they live and then the food, how they forest, how they hunt, how they gather. And then there's the warrior side of the thing where they, back in the day when they had warriors and they had- They were fighting.

They were fighting for land and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So we enter and the first thing you have to do is be accepted by the chief, whether we're welcome or not. Can I ask, did anyone not get welcome? Was he like, actually, not today, Frank. It's us as a group, thankfully. But anyway, we all sit down and then the kids sit next to me and out of the bush.

And you obviously got accepted by the chief. Let me get there. Sorry, I apologise. Stop interrupting my story. Now, we all sit down and out jumps the chief from the bush and the kids just go, ah! He's wielding a big fucking stick. Holy shit.

And it's like all over us and then someone's got to, the leader of our group has to go, we come in peace, like we just want to learn and it's exceptional. It's part of the show. Got you. It's the theatre. It's the theatre. It's the theatre. Anyway, they're going through the different ways that they build housing

and stuff and, you know, that's all pretty, like, straightforward. The kids are actually at this point scared for their lives so they're quite still. Yeah, I can imagine. Oscar gets freaked out by a cat so I can only imagine what he was like with the chief of a Vanuatu tribe. Yes, he definitely calmed down. And then we move on to the next station,

which is how they hunt and gather and the different foods that are grown and what they do with it, how they cook and blah, blah, blah. But before we left the ship, we were low on snacks, so I went and got some snacks from the boat convenience store. Anyway, we're sitting there listening to how they scrounge for food and Macy and Oscar, they're like, I'm hungry. So we're sitting there watching these little kids and these elders with their tree roots and stuff

and you look over and my kids are eating Oreos. And I was like to April, I'm like oh my god what the fuck's going on here anyway they've gone through the oreos and we're still sitting there and then we're into the twisties the kids are sitting there and then macy starts going privileged white folk i know kids are like i'm so hungry i know and they're sitting there and macy's like walking around like just completely unaware completely oblivious to the fact that these kids are trying to eat tree roots and like leaves and they're like spinach so there's that that's the first this is a great sign they're obviously not paying attention anymore whatsoever they're in the dirt they're chasing the chickens around.

Which is kind of nice. They'll just run and mark. Still with Oreos and Twisties in hand? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we move on to the weapons. So you go on to like the warriors, the tribesmen, and what, you know, they used to fight for their land and blah, blah, blah. And they're showing the different types of weapons.

And Macy's there going, watch TV. She's having a meltdown because she wants to watch TV and we're on this island with no power, nothing. Chickens running around. Chickens running around, this guy wielding an axe, and she's like, watch TV. I want to watch TV. And, like, everyone's like watch tv i want to watch tv and like everyone's like stop immersing these kids in an amazing cultural i know i know we eventually were like just relax

like we got her back attention when the more warriors came out it starts to get like a little bit more entertaining but it got a little bit heavy because they were talking about in the older days when what they used to do and they used to go, they used to fight a lot for land. But with warriors, like, obviously, you know, they have wives and whatever. But the only way that really another tribe could obtain that land is the blood spill of a woman. So, they started to talk about the warriors that go to war for their land. But if your husband died, okay, then your tribe, not the other tribe, would actually kill the wife. Oh, God.

But then they went on to graphically show, which is super interesting for an adult. For a four-year-old. We're midway through them trying to explain how they killed the woman and Macy chokes on a twisty. And she's like. And they're like, yeah, just like that. So the reason they do that is so that they spill the blood,

not the rival tribe, so they can't actually claim that land. But they graphically did it and then Macy's in the corner just like. On a twisty. claim that land but they graphically did it and then macy's in the corner just like anyway then they started to do they started to do their traditional song and dance which really got macy up and going because she was they were doing it and i i missed filming it i wish i fucking got it i'm so sorry like, dance party. And they're like doing like what they do after they kill a woman. Anyway, the cultural tour trip. Were there many kids in that trip or? None. This is mine.

Anyway, that finished up, which it was really informal. I actually had a really good time. And like we were walking back out, which was a really cool part. This is a really cool part. And the kids really love this part because the school, the little kid's school, was at lunch, and they're all out on the oval playing with the balls and soccer and stuff. So, me and Oscar and Macy are running around with these kids,

and, like, these kids were kicking the ball really high in the air, and they're like, whoa. And Oscar was just, like, fucking loving it, like running around with were these kids were i was kicking the ball really high in the air and they're like whoa and oscar was just like fucking loving it like running around with all these kids but it was like you know a nice little end to that little cultural tour because the rest of it was completely wasted on them they were just paying no attention to how lucky they've got it i do i do think and especially now because there's so many people over in europe for example with young kids i'm like do you think these kids will remember any of it do you think i know do you know i think maybe oscar at oscar's age he might little snippets if he's yeah i think the difference is now to when we were kids, things are way more documented now. Totally.

Like phones, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. You could probably jog that memory over the next 10 years and keep it. And that'll be nice. That will be nice. It would be a nice moment for him. He was frothing on these like kids, like kicking a ball around. I want his dad to be a hero. I was a hero to these kids.

They now have a statue of me. You have a great boot on you. Thank you. They have a statue. Did you tell them you were Wally Lewis? I'm professional. Definitely not. But that was a good part of it.

Yeah, but the rest of it was like, oh, God, why did I take these kids on a culture tour? Because I think I had expectations and I was like, I'm going to get these kids to appreciate what they have. Yeah. Didn't work at all. But, you know, maybe down the track I'll try again. But anyway, we get back to the boat and it was that night actually

we had a bit of a scare. Just to change the mood a little bit right now. As you know, Oscar has before had croup. Yeah. He had a little bit of a cough like later on at night and we're like, fuck, like a bit of cough medicine or whatever to try and. And for anyone who doesn't know what croup is, Ash, take it away. I am not a doctor.

Essentially... It's a bad cough, isn't it? Yeah, but it restricts the airway. So at 3 o'clock in the morning... It's quite scary. At 3 o'clock in the morning, Oscar starts to suffocate and he cannot breathe whatsoever. There's nothing you can really do other than they can give you some steroids in hospital but i'm on a cruise ship in the middle

of the ocean they do have the facilities i know yeah but we were like the other thing you can do is steam really helps so at 3 30 in the morning oscar has stopped breathing essentially and it was really scary this was the scariest one we've had we've had it before he's getting worked up april's getting worked up macy's up as well now i'm trying to just keep everyone calm because them being getting worked up he's not helping him trying to breathe yeah for sure so i've kicked april out of the bathroom and i've just said get out shut the door with oscar in there turn the shower on as full ball hot as we can to steam it up. Yeah, they say steam's good for the-

30 minutes we sat in there for and eventually got him to be able to breathe properly. And you came out looking quite trim as well. Oh, I'm jacked. You got to fix you loads of the process. I'm shredded. But it was like the worst place you could possibly- Yeah.

Because it's like, I don't know. I knew they have a medical center. Did you call? Did you? No. Do you know what? I felt like I had it under control. I felt, once I kicked April out and I was like to Oscar,

you need to concentrate on me very closely. You're working up. Let's just start with some little breaths because he's like, he's only skinny, sucking his whole, like doing his absolute best to try and breathe and then eventually you can sort of hear him being able to breathe a bit more but it was a real mission to get me to stop and be like hey bring him back to me every time because he was like getting to his head like he's not getting any better but this was yeah it was definitely the scariest one i've had where i thought he was gonna die at one point and like obviously we're both pretty

triggered and like the morning when like we managed to get him breathing again and then we sort of sat with him for a few hours. We actually all fell asleep again, thank God. And then woke up and I think April and I sort of debriefed on it and we were both a little bit triggered by it. Yeah. And we thought there's not a whole lot you can do until they grow out of it, apparently. But that sort of bit took a bit of a turn.

Yeah, didn't it? For the trip with a few days to go. What a rollercoaster. It was a rollercoaster. Yeah, yeah. And then he still had a bit of a nasty cough the next day so he just laid really low in the cabin because you don't want to be walking around a cruise ship with your kid who sounds like a dog barking it was really like sort of bark and then that was the third last night. And then on the last night, just to change gears again, on the last night I had to get content.

So I left the room and everyone went to bed. April was reading. I get a call from April and she goes, Macy was coughing. I was like, oh, fucking here we go again. She goes, no, no, no, she's coughed so much she's spewed up onto Oscar. He hasn't woken up. He's just coughed it. He's just copped a barrage of spew on him anyway i get back to the room and abel's like trying to strip oscar off he like i don't wake him up didn't wake him up stripped him off without waking up and put a t-shirt

on him i've cleaned up what spew i can and washed it away and macy's just like and she's going back to sleep and the next morning like oscar hasn't noticed and he's like why am i wearing this outfit he was like why am i wearing a t-shirt i'm like who's gonna tell him and i was like don't let's just not tell so he still doesn't know what's actually happened he just thought he was really really sweaty what a beautiful trip it was a lovely trip Yeah And then we got off And here I am Oh no, we got off And dad ended up in hospital

Because he has pneumonia Sorry, sorry Shouldn't laugh Sorry, a few days with a trip to go Dad disappears Dad was like I need some attention Dad's got influenza

And he's got pneumonia And he gets wheelchaired off the ship And straight into hospital How is he doing now? He's back home now He's good He's back home now. He's good. He's fine.

Wow. You experienced it all. It was a huge trip. Medical emergencies, cultural experiences. I know. That's what it's all about. Exactly right. That's what it's all about. The highlights of the trip were Macy eating Oreos while these kids were trying to gnaw

at a tree root and then also choking on a twisty while they're trying to perform How to Kill a Woman in Oldham Town. And you're there taking photos and videos. This is great. I know, yeah. I've got some videos of some stuff but it doesn't really translate into. I love it. I just want to check I haven't missed anything here. Oh, yeah, sorry. You've got one minute to tell the story. I just want to check I haven't missed anything Oh yeah Sorry

You got one minute to tell the story I want to go back to just really quick On this whole cultural tour I got on the tender to go to the cultural tour And I had an itchy anus the whole time Just wanted to let you know Thank you Thank you

Always good to get a little update on your anus. Itchy anus, yeah. It was like I was like. Was it hemorrhoid or was it something? No, it was just itchy. But then I was like trying to find little places where I could be like sneaky way and get a little itch in. Then I was trying to fart it.

No, come on. Come on. I don't know. Come on. We don't need this. The only comfortable position was to squat. So I was indo squatting the whole time. Oh my gosh.

Thank you for that last that's okay beautiful point to throw the icing on the cake on a great trip it was a good trip so thank you to pino for having me and my family as always i can't wait for my trip october look out for anyone wondering we've actually got we've got everyone coming on our trip i know we've got Laura's mum, Laura's sister, my sister, my mum, everybody. Can't wait. I want to tell you just quickly about an incident that happened with me, Ash. Also a medical emergency, you could say. With you?

Well, I was there. Oh, you were there. One of the kids were involved. Your kids don't do gymnastics do they nah nah no not yet anyway so marley was super keen like super keen because my nieces and nephews they went to gymnastics and you know the girl they wear like a leotard and marley was like oh my god it's got sequins stitched in glued onto it yeah that's right we went past it the other day we passed it we yeah we walked past it we walked past it on the city to surf.

And Marley was like, that's why I do gymnastics. Yeah, yeah. And it was great. You know, sometimes it's a battle to get the kids to do those activities. They're keen to sign up. I went to time to actually like get in the car, go there. They're like, I don't want to go. It was like Oscar with the jujitsu.

Got there. And the guy was like, you come in here and you greet me. And Oscar's like, I don't want to go. It was like Oscar with the jujitsu. Got there and the guy was like, you come in here and you greet me. And Oscar's like, I don't want to. Just left. So Marley took to gymnastics like a duck to water. Yeah. So we do that on Thursday afternoons. Issue was, I've got the kids on Thursdays, right?

So I'm like, well, I may as well. In that one afternoon session, there's multiple age groups and there was one age group for lola as well and i was like great i'll try and convince lola that she can do gymnastics and then the girls do it together job done she's got the perfect head size for flipping you leave her head out of this definitely count away the problem was though she was a bit too young you had to be of a certain age and my sister pre-wore me and she's like don't even try like if you say hey she's two months from being old enough don't even try like they won't accept challenge accepted and so i lied

on the application form if they're listening sorry it wasn't me this is just a joke but lola wasn't really that keen and i was kind of like gymnastics is sick yeah you'll love it and she was always like i don't know about this every week it's the same she's like just you know digging her heels in anyway we're walking to gymnastics last week get it on big guy gone let it out let it out it's gone sorry that's not just your reflection of your story i can don't fucking try and hide a yawn from me. I can see it. I'm sorry. I can see it.

I know you better than you know yourself. I feel it's rude, though. It's not because of the story. That's fine. I don't get hurt. You get more hurt when I'm like... Yeah, sorry. Any more in there?

When it comes, I'll let you know. Please. I'll go this. I would love that. So we're walking down to gymnastics. You walk there from here? Sorry, we parked the car and let you know. Please. I'll go with this. I would love that. So, we're walking down to gymnastics. You walk there from here? So, we park the car and we walk down. Okay.

Walking down the hill to gymnastics from the car and Lola, bless her cotton socks, takes a tumble. No. Also, you just said takes a tumble, which is a gymnastic term. Pardon the pun. Pardon the pun. Pardon the pun. Gymnastics teacher is like, 10 points. Yeah, she's out the front. She's like, you're off to the Olympics with Ray Gunn.

Upgrade to level two. And the cut on her knees is enough to have her give the most blood-curdling scream you've ever heard. Have you got it? And I've sent it to your phone and she was like i can't walk daddy i cannot walk the drama and she looked at it and she was like oh my god okay oh yeah it's a video yeah this is if you are queasy my guy i just I just... Daddy. Daddy, I want your phone. Daddy, I want your phone.

She's really scraped up those knees. Do you reckon? That's nothing. She's only little, though. That's nothing. I thought, like, she's definitely given it a good scrape. You fall over on the concrete and scrape your knees. Poor little thing.

It's not that bad. One of them's worse than the other. But it would still stink. Do you know what it is? It's so annoying, thing. It's not that bad. One of them's worse than the other, but it would still stink. Do you know what it is? It's so annoying, dude. It's gravel rash. A grey's knee is just, it absolutely fucking derails the whole day. Does she do the thing now when, like, after that, she got in the bath and she's like, it stinks.

Oh, yeah, dude, I can't. Okay, wouldn't do gymnastics. Okay, yeah. Didn't do gymnastics She's got an injury It's nothing I was like Hey

Forget about that Let's go and do some flipping And she's like She couldn't walk There's blood She She wouldn't walk She wouldn't walk

Didn't do gymnastics Right Get home She's like I can't eat dinner I can't eat Because of my injury And I'm like You can eat dinner And she's like I can't eat dinner i can't eat because of my injury and i'm like you can eat dinner and she's like i can't i can't do it i can't i can't do my knees still won't walk

won't get in the bath won't even put pants on because she doesn't want to have any fabric over the knee oh it is painful i feel your pain but the poor thing it probably hurts at the time i gave her the sympathy yeah okay all right well that's right but something like that you know I feel your pain. But the poor thing, it probably hurts at the time. I gave her the sympathy. Yeah, okay. All right. Well, that's all right. But something like that, you know you're in for like two or three days. She loves a Band-Aid too.

She get a bunch of Band-Aids? No, she wouldn't take a Band-Aid. Not even a Band-Aid. The graze was too severe for a Band-Aid. Bit of gravel rash on the knees. And next week, gymnastics, I'm like, there goes another 50 bucks. Take a different route. Confuse her. next week gymnastics i'm like there goes another 50 bucks take a different route confuse her i don't know how else i can get there let me have a look at those knees again i just i'm getting a little bit of trauma because i've had some pretty grazed knees before

and it does hurt especially a little they've got such like new skin too. So delicate. So delicate. Anyway. A little bit of blood. See, your kids are almost dying of oxygen starvation. My kids. It's not a competition. So I would give sympathy to. Macy fell over on the boat, but on the carpet and got carpet burn. And she did a similar thing to that where she can't do anything because of this tiny bit of carpet burn. And she did a similar thing to that where she can't do anything

because of this tiny bit of carpet burn. Couldn't shower, couldn't eat. In the pool? Anyone she – oh, the pool. She was fine to go in the pool. Hot tub, I'm in. But then like she'd be like see someone and they'd be like, oh, hello.

She'd be like, nee. You don't even know this person. It was like, see someone and they'd be like, oh, how long? She'd be like, knee. You don't even know this person. It was like, knee. The dramas, the dramas of just a simple fall. So, would she fall down the footpath or you pushed it in? No, I think she does it on purpose. She's done it like three times now. What, throw herself on the ground?

Yeah, she's just like, and. She doesn't want to go that bad that she's willing to injure herself. I mean, I'm sure that's not the ground. Yeah, she's just like, and... She doesn't want to go that bad that she's willing to injure herself. I mean, I'm sure that's not the case. Let's hope not because that could spiral. It's because they have to wear Crocs because it's easy to take the shoes off and the Crocs... They're trip hazard. They're bloody trip hazard, especially in winter.

They're not acclimatized to the Crocs. That's exactly what Macy tripped over on the boat, her Crocs. But this is April's fault. I'm going to throw April under the bus here. Please. My wife is a typical wife. She likes to pack weeks in advance. She likes to be so organized that she's packed these crocs

that she thought the kids had grown into but hadn't yet. They're too big. Huge. Oh, fuck. I should have got some photos. Damn it. The first time I saw the kids walk out of the cabin and I looked down and I was like-

What the hell are those? Well, the kids were in fucking flippers. They're huge. So everywhere Macy went, she tripped over. Tripped over here, tripped over there, and then she just tripped over and got herself a nice little carpet burn. But Crocs, trip hazard. I don't even know where mine are that you gave me.

Do you know why? Because I don't want to trip. Should we do some lies? Please. Matt, this is the segment that we ask our lovely, dedicated, doting listeners to send in the little lies they tell their kids. To make parenting just a little bit easier. And my mum said to me, don't threaten or lie to the kids unless you can follow through.

Remember I was telling you the story last week of how I threw the car out the window? Yes. I can follow through, baby. Don't you worry. So, there's a couple that we used on this cruise ship that were very very very very useful so i'm going to run you through those two and if you've got some that you've been from listeners then that's cool so i'll give you my two first and you can give me what you've got sorry to explain that to you three or four times well we run this segment every single week so normally you get it

you got it good thank you you're like my knee hurts. We're talking to the microphone. Mike raised my knee and now I can't tell you my lies. The first one is I used really, really, look, this one got my mum offside because she was like, don't say that to them. I would essentially say anytime they would do anything that they were like being naughty or wouldn't, I'd be like get in the shower or

come on get your shoes on, I'd be like righto, you're going overboard that usually got the results actually I did see, April sent me a video you were dangling Oscar off the side of the boat for Michael Jackson star no, that was one of them that we used a lot.

Did it work? Oh, yeah. Yeah, because they're so gullible. I even picked one of them up once. No. No. But my mum really hated that. Where were you at the time?

Whereabouts on the boat? In a restaurant. Okay. April had a really good one on the last night because for some reason my kids don't, they don't like potato. Mine don't either. Yeah, especially like mashed. Chippies, sure.

Mashed, no time for mashed. No time for mashed. So April had a good one saying that mashed potato is just warm ice cream. That is brilliant. Did it work? No. But I thought that was, she whipped that out on the last day. I was like, where did you get that from?

She was like, just came to me. That's very clever. I was like, that's good. So actually try it with the girls next time. Yeah, I don't. Next time you got mash, like if you're out to dinner and there's some mash. Mash, I'd say would be one of the most hated dishes. Why?

It's delicious. They just don't like the texture. It's potato, salt, butter, bit of milk, bit of cream even. Yeah. Kids don't know how good they've got it. You know what I'm going to do after this? Get a big bowl of mashed and just eat that. Have you had that instant mashed stuff?

Beautiful. Heaven. Heaven. I stand with you, mash. They're my cruise ship line. So, feel free, free listeners to use those i would say don't threaten to throw your kids overboard when there's a crew member around no i keep that under wraps i'd keep that like more in the privacy of your own cabin yes not at a

restaurant yes because it scared them if anything i mean it's giving them some like long-term trauma oh as i did the thing because all the railings on the outside like at the top of the deck it's all glass so you can see out you want to be able to see and the kids are like looking out i'd do that thing where you go i'm a terrible dad this one your words not mine this one is in the facebook group ash which is just popping off yes jesus the bandsants, the humor, the fun that we have in that Facebook group. Oh, yeah. It's unbelievable. If anyone's not a member, go and join.

This one is from Jezaman. Jezaman. Jezaman? No, I thought it was Jezaman. Jezaman. Jezaman. Jezaman. Jezaman.

Jezaman. And she says, I don't know if I'm proud of this or not dot dot dot my kids are aged 12 10 and 8 and they keep eating in their room leaving cups and plates etc and i'm so over telling them not to i saw this on facebook and i thought it was worth a try i got some brown rice from the shops and i sprinkled it in their rooms. And they now think that mice have been there who are attracted to the food. So my parents live in a granny flat on the property. So now the kids are all down there, scared of the mice outbreak and claim they are sleeping in there tonight.

Lol, she says. I'll tell them the truth when they're older, when they've learned. And there's a couple of photos here. That's pretty good. I like that. A couple of photo references. It does actually look like mice poo. It does.

It really does. That's genius. I love how they put it on his collectible cards near the PlayStation. All the things they love. That's brilliant. That's a great lie. That is good. It's a very good lie.

That's not brown rice, though. That's that purple black rice. That's black rice lie. That is good. It's a very good lie. That's not brown rice, though. That's that purple black rice. That's black rice. It looks delicious. That's good. Another one, Ash. This one is a classic. This one is a classic.

So recently we were at Westfield, Bonai Junction, and outside one of the stores there's a few, there's like three, there's a cluster of those little toy airplane cars that you put the kids in, you put in a few bucks, and then it goes for 30 seconds. They look very tired, very tired. Kids love it. Kids love it. We went there.

Kids were like, we want to have a go. And Nana, my mom, was saying, look, unfortunately, these ones are all broken. But what we can do, by the time we're on the phone, you guys can have a minute each in each one. And they were sitting in there and they're like, this is kind of fun, I guess. And then as we were walking away, then another parent went in there, threw some money in.

The thing was like. Busted. And the kids were like, we want to go on. I'm like, can we just collectively, parents, can we just all agree never to put any amount of money in those toys? In anything. Ever. If there's another family...

Okay, if you turn up and there's another family in it and they're all pretending it doesn't work, read the room. Yes. Just know. Just know that we're know just know they're like watch this timmy it was a nightmare uh busted it is now time for listener questions and ash the way this segment works just so you know people who listen to the podcast i I'm listening. Write in with a question. I'm hearing you. In relation to parenting. Gotcha. Which we then ask each other. Would you like to go first?

Should I go first? I got a really quick one for you. Please. That comes off the back of just the sleeping arrangement on the cruise. Because we had bunk beds, right right so there was a double bunk bottom and top so april and i slept on top and macy and oscar slept on the bottom now macy you just had in the room you had just bunk beds yeah yeah right okay that's pretty fun kids enjoyed it but macy's in a cot still at home can i ask ask when you did the horizontal tango, sex?

Top bunk or bottom bunk? Balcony. No, it was definitely in the bottom bunk. It was like having sex in a cubby house. It was my childhood dream. But as you know, Macy's still in a cot because she's quite young. Not quite young. She's like two.

But she's obviously enjoyed being out of that cot. And the question goes, because you've got a slightly older child than me, what age do I convert her out of a I can't get out of this bed situation to now she can get out and roam? Like I said, you've got two. Both can get out now and roam. Oscar already comes into my bed in the middle of the night. I don't need two people kicking me in the middle of the night. What do you think is an appropriate age?

I think we took Marley out of a cot pretty early because she was just so mobile. Like a spider monkey. Dude, she would climb like nothing else. It's ideal to have your kid caged in. You want to treat them like caged in. Right? You want to treat them like a wild animal. Oh, yeah. The less mobile they are, the better.

Yeah. Because- Especially in the middle of the night. Sometimes they wake up, they know they can't go anywhere. So they go back to sleep. Oh, yeah. Or they're trapped. Yeah.

So we actually put her on- We gave her a dog collar and we leashed her to the wall. Perfect. And it worked out brilliantly. Can I just write this down so I don't forget? Please. Everyone listening, please take note. It's going to be my testimony.

So we put Marley in a bed pretty early. And it wasn't, it was actually like, we thought it was going to be a nightmare. We were like, oh shit, this is going to derail bedtimes like nothing else. And it was fine. I think like with oscar because we did it i think it's about three years old which macy's coming up toward but with oscar he was so

vocal all the time that you could have a proper conversation with him like i'm not saying macy's not as smart as oscar but like i would be like you want a big boy bed and really encourage the big boy bed yes that he was like this is my big boy bed i'm never leaving it but with macy she doesn't listen to anyone she's like fuck this i'm out of here or even on the cruise i like woke up i'm like where's macy i look over and she's coloring in at 3 30 in the morning and i was like oh yeah it's so annoying when they wake up in the middle of the night and they're like well i guess it's time to get up and start the day. Early bird gets the worm. Yeah, but now she's refusing her sleep suit.

She doesn't want to sleep in her cot at home. So it's like, what's the plan? So that's why it's like, that's why I'm asking you, I guess. Yeah. I mean, the only thing with Lola, when we took her out of the cot, it then just meant that she was in waking up in the middle of the night. We would then bring her into our bed, which we don't mind, which we're into. It's just... Your bed's's tiny how dare you talk about my bed like that in saying that last night i woke up flanked by two children yeah and lola was like

i'm in the bunk bed she so she left us i've been sleeping in a completely separate room at papa's house and i've been in the door it's a really old house and door handles really high i don't know if you noticed that when the kids can't get in they can't reach but also april's been in the door. It's a really old house and door handles really high. I don't know if you noticed that. So the kids can't get in? They can't reach. But also April's like in the middle of the night, she'll walk up and open my door. So she's like. Anyway.

We have had a lot of questions, Ash, about how to communicate a death in the family to the kids. And you may, for those of you who come from Life Uncut, you may have heard the news recently that Laura's stepdaddad lenny absolute legend of a bloke neil nickname lenny he passed away i was just like so confusing i'm like yeah he passed away after a long battle with with cancer nine years he fought to the last breath and uh he's now passed away. The kids absolutely love Far. We used to call him Far. And we've got the funeral coming up this weekend. And we wanted to preempt.

We were thinking, do we bring the kids? Do we not bring the kids? But I think it's better to involve them. We were pretty upfront with the kids. And we explained. We were kind of saying to them that Lenny's been unwell for a long time. So we were trying to just like, we didn't want to rip the rug from underneath the kids and just, you know, say, hey, fire's gone. Yeah.

We were so afraid to tell them in fear of them having some kind of traumatic experience. A few times with Laura's granddad, he's passed away. When the kids were really young and sometimes Marley will be at night time and she's like i can't i can't get the thought of granddad dying out of my head and we're like fuck like how do you you have mentioned that lol amali has talked about death a lot yeah like oscar's only have you had have you had anyone passed recently in your family oscar's had his great-grandfather, my grandfather, Billy Wicks, die when he's been alive a couple of years ago. Oscar was much younger.

But the funny thing is we didn't really have to explain it to him because he was quite young, but he was only at one word. But he started calling his comforter that he sleeps with, Billy. Oh, really? Literally the day he died, and he wouldn't even know, which is random. Yeah. How old was Oscar when that happened? I think he wouldn't even know, which is random. Yeah. How old was Oscar when that happened? I think it would have been like two.

Right. A bit. Like even now there's some photos around and he's like, you know, what happened? We've just been like, oh, you know, that's Billy. He passed away because he's got the middle name as well. William is Oscar's middle name. Yeah, I can't imagine that.

Now you've got me thinking like the conversation that if, you know, someone now died, like Oscar is so inquisitive, as is Marley. They're at that age and Lola's sort of getting into that age too where they're like, why? Everything is why? It's like, shit, I can't. So it did help to say like, well, you know, we've explained that he's been unwell for a while and I'm going to go, oh, yeah, yeah, I understand that. I think it did go over lola's head like it you know she's only three she can't really understand the significance of of death as you can appreciate for a three-year-old but marley really understands it dude this is

gonna sound really obvious but it helps so much telling her on a saturday morning when we had the entire day as a family together because you know we're like oh could we tell her in the morning before daycare but then you know the thought of then dropping that news on her and then being away from see ya yeah have a good day daycare because she might not process it for another hour or so and then be like i want to cuddle for mommy or daddy and make sure even even if she's thinking empathetically which she probably is because she's already thinking about death she's like i wonder if mommy's okay and if mommy's not there to give her a cuddle at least like you've given her the day to kind of get used to the thought that you know someone's not around anymore like i

remember when when dad was going through that heart attack stuff and it was like he was here and then was meant to see the kids the day after as well and they're like where is he and trying to explain to them that he's really unwell and like you know also for like grandparents and stuff like that when i spoke to dad about that dad was like i was scared but not for me the kids i was scared for my grandkids that i've just like built this bond with not me but like the grandkids so it's like yeah i don't know if there's a i'm not going to sit here and say there's a right and a wrong way to go about it. I think like the way you've gone about it is definitely. But we've found it having the open dialogue way easier.

And especially because there's been a lot of tears in the household over the last week, lots of tears. And you want the kids to understand what those tears are a result of. You know, we can talk about it's okay to be upset. It's okay to be sad. So for us being upfront with the kids and being what those tears are a result of you know we can talk about it's okay to be upset it's okay to be sad so for us being up front with the kids and being honest with them it's been so much easier yeah because like like i said i don't want to say there's a right and a wrong way because some people even adults process everything differently so like for me death it's gonna sound horrible is not, is not, I don't know,

I don't, like my grandfather died as much as I miss him. I didn't cry. I don't have that. It's just life really. But like, and some adults are like that, which I don't know how I'm going to explain. I think I'll just try and figure out when that happens. But if there's any parents out there who experienced it

communicated it in a way with the kids that's being received really well we would love to hear your thoughts allow if there's an expert out there that's gone you know the best way to do it but like everyone's gonna be different right like oscar's gonna be different to marley if i said oscar like you know blah blah blah has been really unwell and unfortunately that passed away i don't know how it would yeah i mean marley's had really big emotions and there's a little part of us where we're thinking are those big emotions right now a result of the news that we dropped in her last week not sure not sure but yeah we're we've got the funeral coming up in a couple of days so i don't want to yeah i don't want to end on that note but i want to ask a question as well on top of that weekend funeral versus weekday

funeral we're doing friday it's a friday i was gonna say weekend funeral we weekday funeral. We're doing Friday. It's a Friday. I was going to say, weekend funeral. We got Friday funeral, Hawaiian shirts. No way. That's pretty cool. Hawaiian shirt funeral. Yeah, I went to a friend of mine's dad's funeral, which his favorite color was red, so we all wore red. Oh, sexy.

It was a funeral, man. Hey, so Lenny is up there listening in. He was a big fan of the show. Yeah. So, mate, rest in peace. Rest in peace, Lenny is up there listening in he was a big fan of the show yeah so mate rest in peace rest in peace Lenny we yes and I'm sorry for you

and your family to go through something like that thank you I appreciate that that's okay if you've enjoyed this episode we would absolutely love it if you would share it with anyone

obviously we love making the podcast we hope you enjoy listening to the podcast the only way we can keep going is if we have an audience so sorry about all the death chat

so if there's anyone out there who you think would benefit from listening to two guys talk about their feelings their feelings please send it on and subscribe

review yes join the Facebook group go to Facebook type in 2dotingdads also Father's Day Matt is around the corner

and the perfect Father's Day gift is... Of course. The book. A kid's book written by... Yours truly. Us. Two Doting Dads, The Quest for Free Time.

Sorry, didn't interrupt you there. It is available anywhere, any good bookshop. You would like to get books. Hey, Big W, $12. Bargain. Boom. Buy that. Let's go to Big W.

I'm going to buy them out. And on that note, let's get out of here. See you. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea, and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.