Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #89 Barely Surviving Book Week

Episode Date: August 27, 2024

It's Book Week: When parents either shine or hit their breaking point.  Matt and Ash are the parents who almost hit their breaking point.  Can someone tell me who decided to make it a week rather than a day?!  Meanwhile, while all this is happening, Matt takes Marlie and Lola to their Fa's funeral and juggles the many confusing emotions that come with that. After sharing that he needs a tooth extraction, Ash admits he doesn't have a will or health insurance!  We've introduced a new segment called – Parenting Hack Or F*ck That Plus, we tackle your questions! Have you explained periods to your kids yet? Is it okay to let your child do dangerous things but safely? Make sure you share your best Parenting Lies with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ain't no mountain high. Oh, that's very Will Ferrell. Ain't no valley low. Ain't no river wide in the spray bay. Hang on a minute. That was very good. Yeah, that video, that guy. You've just got, sorry, I'm going to have to pull you up.

You've just got a big old black thing in your teeth. Smile. That's racist. There, there. Keep going. Come on. No, no. Smile.

You're on camera. You want to be looking good. Holy shit. Right? What was that? Come. Welcome back to Two Dating Dads. I'm Matty J.

And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, it is the bad. And why am I sweating? They're relatable. It's warm today. It's warm. If you've come... If you've come...

I just did. Any advice Whatsoever Stop right now Thank you very much You're not going to get it here No It's very warm It is very warm

It just got warm It just Was it my singing Little flush It is nice The singing Very effective It's serenading

How often do you sing for April Oh Early days Did you ever Did she come over And you go Oh what's that Little guitar in the corner?

No, my voice is more for comedy, really. I have honed it in. So it's like. You say that, but there's just a little bit of soul in that voice. There's a bit of soul. Give me a song. What song would you want me to sing? Ooh, ah, just a little bit.

Nah, it's not. It's too. Sorry. Ooh, ah. not. Just a little bit. No, it's not. It's too. Sorry. Ooh. No. You haven't noticed my mustache. It's coming through. You can grow a good mustache.

I absolutely know I can. But why is it coming back? Just thought, change of season, change of look. I'm ready for it. Me too. And I thought spring will just be the season of mustaches. Really? Also, we're getting closer towards November.

Everyone always says you're not allowed to get a head start on November, but you know what? My whole life's a head start. I have a mustache on 24-7. So I'm just, I'm dabbling with it. Also, Laura, in an attempt to have more sex, I'm going to have the mustache because she really likes it. She does really like it.

She's told me before. Yeah. Don't blame her. Anyway, sorry. Yeah, I'm coming off the back of a weekend in Perth. I have recovered. I thought you were about to cancel us. With what?

Well, you're doing like nude stories. I wasn't nude. I had pants on. I just tucked it nicely. I was like, fuck, it's happened. It's happened. I've lost it. 12 months in and then. Sorry. How was Perth? What do you think of Perth? Look, it's happened. It's happened. I've lost it. 12 months in and then.

Sorry. How was Perth? What do you think of Perth? Look, it's a long way. It's a very long way from here. I went in thinking. I was on a four-hour flight. Then I got to the airport and it said five hours and ten minutes.

I was like, oh, fuck. Who said it was four hours? I think I just thought it was. Yeah. As you do, you're like. It makes sense. If you ask me Perth, I'd say, yeah, it's about four hours. Yeah, it's about four hours.

Did you raw dog it on the plane or? No, just watched a bit of TV. I didn't have a single beer on the plane. They're all back. Look at me go. Wow. I know. I was tempted, but I was like, oh, no.

It's a long flight. Then, you know, you go back in time when you get there. So it's just going to be a long day. What's a UFC crowd like for those who haven't been to a UFC event? They're exactly how you think they're going to be. Which is? Pretty fucking gross. Look, rowdy.

There's a lot of like. Is it a family friendly environment? No, there's nothing family friendly about it. About people killing each other in a ring? Yeah, look, it was a bit. It was good, but like, it's not. It can get a bit like. April was like, I'm trying to find you on TV,

but we had to turn it off. I was like, fair enough. But what I will say is Perth, we have a lot of two-toning dad fans. And they were like, where's Maddie? And I was like, couldn't make it. Sorry about that. But yeah, quickly shout out to Linda, who works at the RAC Centre, who is a day one-er.

She is from day one, listened to every- Show me the photo. What photo? Of Linda. I didn't get a photo with her. She was working, poor thing. She's trying to be professional. But she just quickly came on to you guys and said, look, I just want to let you know.

We actually read out one of her lies back in the first original lie section. Shout out to Linda. Yeah. So good on you, Linda. The backbone of this podcast. Yeah, you're doing great work. And also the events industry in Perth.

Thank you. How old was Linda? Oh, I don't know. I don't really know. She was 20. 21. She'll love that. She was 21.

She looked great. But yeah, I went over. How many other people said? Oh my God. Can I get on with it? Okay. You just want to know how many people asked me. Yeah.

Like four or five different people. Fuck. Yeah. That was pretty cool. I went over there with a toothache how many people asked me. Yeah. Like four or five different people. Fuck. Yeah. That was pretty cool. I went over there with a toothache. The teeth hurt me. The karma. Oh, the karma is coming thick and fast.

The teeth karma is, I don't know. The pressure of that airplane. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Did it make it worse? It was brutal for like the last, just like the last 25 minutes where you're like descending you know they're like store your tray tables put your seat back up made it hurt and they're like put you don't brace yourself for a sore tooth and then landed and i was fine but then i had it all

weekend and then i got back and another plane trip on the way back really fucking set it off so i've had to go from being the guy who gives nothing but dentist shit. Now you've come running to them for help. No, I know. And they're like, oh. Look who it is. Because I haven't seen a dentist in so long. It's obviously a new dentist.

And they were like, you should fill this form out here. And I was like, this is a trick. I'm waiting for them to ask my credit card details. The girl behind the desk was like, how long has it been since you've seen a dentist? And I was like, 10 years. And she was like, oh, one of them. And I was like, oh, fuck. They're like,

list all your problems. And I was like, I've got too many. And then I sat down. So the dental hygienist met me. Lovely. And the dentist, also very lovely. That's their trick lovely that's their trick they said trickery uh and it turns out that i need a tooth extracted i've got to wait another two weeks before it can be extracted why don't they just take it out then and there i think

because they want to essentially reduce the pain and inflammation or any infection before they actually rip it out i'm not a a dentist. I just took their advice. You could be. You know what you're talking about. But he was like, and look, I'm a little bitch. I'm like, am I going to be awake? Am I going to be awake with this? He's like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, so all these dentists listening to that going, get him with the pain. Get him back. We're not just mouth salesmen. You could be under, but he's like, no. Of course they did. Classic mouth salesmen. Tried to sell, but he's like, no. Of course they did. Classic mouth salesman. Tried to sell me the root canal.

Oldest trick in the book. If you do a root canal. They can save the tooth. What's a root canal worth? How much is that? Oh, it's like five grand. Oh, shit. He's like, I'll give you a couple of sleeping tablets,

knock you out for 65 bucks and rip it out of your head. I was like, and then I showed him that golf video. I'm like, can you do something like this? Do you have insurance, bro? Do I have insurance? Do you not have insurance? No. Can you get mouth insurance?

Yes. Am I an adult? I don't have any healthcare. I've got no private health, nothing. I've got no insurance, nothing. Do you have a will? I have a handwritten will. What does it say?

Well, I don't have any belongings, so what's the point of it? I have two kids. What about your surfboards? I'm taking them with me. So anyway, I've got a couple of weeks of a sore mouth. So if I start to talk like this, it's because my mouth really hurts. So when they take the tooth out, will that just be gone? You have a gap in your set of teeth?

Or are you going to replace it with something? I don't really have the money to replace it with anything. What would I put in there? I don't really have the money to replace it with anything. What would I put in there? I don't know. A brand new car. Like a gold tooth? Yeah. That'd be lit.

But then how much is that going to be worth? I wouldn't get real gold. Copper? Copper. Lead? You came to me with a really unique proposal, which was that when they extract the tooth, they said,

we welcome guests. I was like, come film it, record it, see what happens. It could be, it could be funny. I don't know if I want to be in the room.

It could be boring. I'll turn it up a bit. I'm sure. I'll be like, ah! I don't know if I don't like blood. I'm familiar. I'm so scared.

Yeah. But hey, if you need me there, not just film content, but just to be there as a bit of reassurance, hold your hand. I'm more than happy to be that person. I need you to pick me up at least. Surely you won't be able to drive home. No, they're like, you can't. I was like, oh, can I go under?

They're like, yeah, but it's about 200 times the price. I'm like, worth it. Put me under. Good luck. Two weeks. Two weeks from now I'm like, worth it. Put me under. Good luck. So two weeks, two weeks from now. Two weeks exactly from now. Keep you updated. If it falls out on its own, that'd be, fuck it, that'd be amazing.

Just do what old mate did. What's the one Tom Hanks on an island? Castaway. Castaway. When he gets the ice skating shoe and then he gets a rock and he uses that to get the tooth out. How did he find an ice skating shoe and then he gets a rock and he uses that to get the tooth out. How did he find an ice skating shoe on an island? Because he was on a FedEx plane and all the packages would wash up on the beach.

Surely there'd be some cool stuff on there. Well, I don't want to give away the movie in case people have it. It's based on a true story, that movie. No, it's fucking not. Yeah, I made that up. Sorry. Look, whilst you were gallivanting around Perth, watching grown men wrestle each other in a cage.

Getting us cancelled, yeah. And also, yeah, doing shits and putting it on stories. For those of you who didn't see it, I've saved it. It's not that bad. People messaged me being like, is Ash okay? No. April messaged me and was like, can you get to Perth? Save him.

And I was like, I'll be there in four hours. Five and a half. And whilst you were having a great weekend, we had the funeral. Oh, yes. Not to change gears. My condolences. It was a beautiful, like, it sounds weird to say. It was a.

I know, one of those funerals are hard things to say. Like, it was good. It was a great funeral in that. It was a funeral. Yeah. Like, everyone spoke really really well you know sometimes you have speeches at weddings and there's always one person who just goes on for ages and ages and ages but those who spoke at the service was beautiful really really moving

it was kind of hard with the kids it was a long service dude really long yeah Yeah, he must have, it was like two hours? Yeah, it was, it was like, almost like, almost three hours. Even, even the, shouldn't laugh, shouldn't laugh. But if Neil was here, he'd want us to laugh. Neil,

RIP. The second last speaker, they have like an MC, similar to a wedding. You know, you have someone who's, who's like. Isn't it a priest?

He wasn't that religious. It wasn't a priest. It was more like, he actually, he was great. He looked, he's like a surfy priest it was more like he actually he was great he looked he's like a surfy dude he looked

I thought he was one of Neil's friends but his job this guy he goes through and he like emcees funerals and he kind of

lent over because we're sitting I suppose the dead guy can't review him I'm sure I'm sure Neil picked him he was like he was no good

but he kind of lent over because we're sitting in the front row and he's like, I've got a 2.30 funeral. So I'm going to have to go soon because everything was a lot slower and, you know, speeches dragged out longer than anticipated. So he's like, I've got another one to go to. I'm like, how many are you doing a weekend? What's the pay for that? That's great.

And are you hiring? But the kids were great for the first two speeches. And we explained to them as well. We were totally upfront. We said, you know, this is our opportunity to say goodbye to Neil. My mom told me a story when she was a kid. She went to a funeral and it just, it's burned into her brain that she remembers. Back then, I think open caskets were a lot more common.

They're not going to wake up, are they? Well, she thought like she was just, it was such a scary thought having, you know, at the front of the room, having the coffin there and knowing that a person's in there, the coffin was open for my mum. And she's like that, I couldn't sleep at night. And so I was so nervous about like. I thought you were going to tell me the person actually wasn't dead and they were like, what are you guys doing here?

No. It does happen. Not to us. But I wasn't sure if like being completely up front with all the details of the funeral, if I should continue to be up front and say, Neil is in that box. Or if I say,

you know, I could just, that information is not kind of critical to the whole situation. So I was like, maybe I just remove that. It could be like that symbolic of his life or something yeah is it open no closed casket but I was really nervous about that I didn't want the girls to think like why is he there's a dead body in there that's it that's it so they didn't ask which I think was the best thing yeah for it but maybe like I think two speeches in, the girls were like, well, we're kind of bored now. And that's fair.

Like, you know, three and five. Yeah, they don't understand the seriousness of it for everyone else that, you know, because they would have only known Neil for their short live, but then they probably don't understand completely. And even the MC, when they were making noise, he was like, kids, like, let them make noise. Everybody was in Hawaiian shirts. So it wasn't subdued, everyone in black, traditional funeral.

But the best thing is if anyone has any funerals coming up, which I hope they don't, bring in some coloring pencils and coloring in books for the kids. Yeah, right. Like that was such a great move when they were getting restless and just having them like sit on the floor and colour in. You could print out pictures of the casket, be like colour in how you think it should be.

That's Ash's advice, not mine. Oh, well, I'm just trying to make use of the whole situation. Did the girls sit there for the whole time? No, we had to, they coloured in for a bit. Then they got hungry because, you know, it's a long time. So then Laura

was consoling her mum. So then I was kind of the person who was, we'd go to the back of the room and then we'd colour the back of the room so they could run around

for a bit. And then they're like, oh, we're bored here. We went back in. But then also Laura, at that point, Laura and her mum were, you know, in tears.

And so then they didn't want to leave mum because mum was crying. And so that was a bit confusing for them. A mum were, you know, in tears. And so then they didn't want to leave mum because mum was crying. And so that was a bit confusing for them. A lot of, like everyone's in tears. Yeah. So many weird emotions for them. And kids aren't very good at reading the room, are they? Yeah.

I think they did well to be there for that long. Like. Yeah. Yeah. And then someone did message in and say that they told their kids when someone in the family passed away, they said they're in the sky now. I think a lot of people use this kind of theory, this saying. Lie.

It is a bit of a lie, but it's saying the stars, they're family members who have passed away. So, you know, grandma is up in the sky. That's a lie. Yeah, it is. It's an absolute lie, but it's nice. It's nice, yeah. We talked about it before when it's a cloudy night

and the kids are like, ah, where's grandma and grandpa? Oh, there they come. Well, look, condolences to Laura and her family. I mean, it's never easy. I know, like, we've spoken about Neil and the whole situation for the last few months, so yeah. Life is short. Life is short.

Enjoy every second. Absolutely. That's what I always say. Ash, I know that we always say we never give advice. We always say that. I have some advice, but it's not from me.

It's from my mum. So you know it's going to be good. Okay. Because we never give advice on this podcast. No. Imagine this. Imagine a drink

that's going to help you and the family wind down after dinner before you go to bed. I'm listening. And it comes in a tin or sachets. I'm confused.

And it's called Ovaltine Sleep. Ash, all you have to do, I put a sachet into a cup here with some warm milk. I'm excited. Get that down your gullet. Try that. What do you think? That's delicious. It's rich in magnesium.

It has a calming, chalk, delicious goodness, and it's nutritious. The perfect way for busy families to unwind. Oh, I can't wait to take some home to my kids. And if you want to get your hands on some Ovaltine Sleep, we are running

an amazing competition with some great prize packs up for grabs, including $1,000 plus three months of Ovaltine Sleep. And Matt, you can also win

a copy of our book, Two Don't Ink Dads, The Quest for Free Time. People are calling it the best kid's book ever written. That's what we're calling it. It is super easy to enter. All you have to do is head to at Ovaltine underscore Australia and using only emojis, tell us how you feel about your family's wind down routine and hashtag, who is it?

A fellow sleep deprived parent. There's a lot of them. There's two of them right here. Who might like to try it? To make matters worse, Ash, it is one of the worst weeks of the calendar year. Oh, yeah. Imagine going off the back of a funeral this week. I was like, can it get any worse?

And then in our WhatsApp chat with some of the other parents from daycare, they were like, it's book week. Oh, shut up. And some parents, this is where they thrive. This is where they live. They love this shit. April and I, not so much. Do you know who does thrive?

Who? Alicia, Laura's sister. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. Why? Un? Yeah. Yeah. Why? Unthrive. Can I just show you what she did?

I did see one thing, but show me what you got. For non-parents out there that are listening, Book Week is a week in which your kids go to kindy and dress up as their favourite book. Not the book itself, the characters. If you went as the book, that'd be funny. But it's a week. It's not a day.

And I feel like parents are put under unnecessary pressure to perform. Not me. I just ignore it. Well, I think we're doing it wrong in Australia. It shouldn't be. Go on. I'm listening. It shouldn't be.

It should be book year. Book day. Book day. It doesn't have the same ring, though. Book day. Book day. It doesn't have the same ring though. Book day? Book day is great. The annual, they should change the name. The annual book day.

There we go. Petition. Someone messaged me from the UK and they were really confused. They were like, what is this? What's book week? Why a week? Who made it a week? Why make it more than one day?

One day is enough. It's hard enough trying to scrounge together a costume for one day of the year. Why are we doing it for five whole days? I know. I got a message from someone in New Zealand. They're like, Australians are suckers. Who made this decision?

I don't know. Fucking stop it right now. But I've got a hack for that. Please. You're in that WhatsApp group. It's called what I like to call the costume exchange. So they just rotate. So if you've got five friends, hear me out.

Yeah. I'm hearing. All you do is get one costume each, rotate. Rotate to your left every day. What are some of the costumes on rotation? You could have, I don't know, Harry McCleary because it's book week. Bluey. You could have, everyone just picks one.

And then you just swap. Swap it out. That's very good. We actually kind of did that for the Easter hat parade. We had, it was just a whore of a hat. The whore hat. It just went around to multiple families because the Easter hat parade was on different days. And it was a great, beautiful Easter hat that we then got at the end.

And by the end, it was looking a bit sad. But yeah, it was just a similar concept, right? Like I said, the amount of pressure put on to be like, we're very fortunate that we do this for a job. So like we probably have a little bit of time that we can get this shit together. But people work. Very busy. People work like tradies work like seven till five.

Like my mate Mike sent his kid just didn't even bother. It was like, I just, none of us have time to do that. I know I do walking in and the difference in kids that were dressed up as they skip into the classroom and they're like, yeah, I'm a princess and I'm Spider-Man. And then you see the kid who's like, yeah, I'm a princess and I'm Spider-Man. And then you see the kid who's like, oh. I'm a kid. Yeah.

And it's like, oh, fuck. So, look, if you're listening, you've got a group of friends, you've got a mother's group, you've got whatever it might be, costume exchange. Pour them out. Pour those costumes out. Like I know some kids are going to pick up on it, but if they go to different daycares.

They love it. That's beautiful. If they go to different daycares and you're quite close to these people, because you've got a lot of family here. Your sister's got a couple of kids. So it's like you could just be like, we've got two princess outfits. What do you got? Did Oscar dress up?

Well, I did put a call out. A lot of people. A lot of people. A lot of people were saying, hey, we didn't actually plan it to be. No, it just worked out. I mean, genius, accidental genius. I kind of wish we knew we could have played a little bit more on it. Yeah, no, it was an afterthought.

But book week, I don't know if you guys know this, we have a kid's book. We are authors. We've mentioned it. Multiple times. 400 times. Everyone's like, I'm turning this off now. But everyone kept saying, are your kids going to dress up as the characters from the book? Yes.

I.E. you and me. Great idea. Because I did put the call out for costume ideas because we're struggling. We were struggling for like, what do we do? What do we do? Someone wrote back saying, it's the worst fucking week of the year. Amen. Amen to that.

That's one. Someone also gave me the repurposing idea, but then I got a lot of people being like, dress Oscar up as you. And I was like. Was he into that? Yeah. As soon as I was like, hey, would you like to dress like me?

He was like, what does that mean? Do I have to go to work? Am I doing a podcast with Matt? Do I have to be as depressed as you? Yes. Yes, you do. So anyway, I dressed him up as me and I'm going to show you a little photo. I love that so much.

So I went down to like the little like $2 shop, which also shout out to Binz down at Worrywood. They have got. Not a sponsor. Could be. They've got a shitload of costumes down there. Like, holy. I thought it was one aisle. 80% of their shop is costumes.

I love that. So I bought some stick-on tattoos and I was like, this is going to take me forever. And I was like, I'll do a few and then I'll get some face paint, draw some lines on a screen to make it look a lot more. He went to kindy as that.

There was going to be a break in the day for Oscar because he had an orientation day at his new big school, which they don't do book week, I don't know. We'll find out next year. A big school? Yeah. Nah, dude. What do they do? They do like yard time.

It's huge. Marley went to the local school. They had a book week parade and it was like the whole entire school was dressed up. The teachers were dressed up. How could they tell who's who? And music was pumping. It was like there was a huge parade.

Nice. I'd go to that. I'm into it. So yesterday, April took Oscar up for an orientation day at his new school. With a mustache. No, he didn't. No. Really?

As that, yeah, yeah. And then back to kindy. And he had a great day. Did he? Because anything sticky, a kid's going to hate. How did he go with the mustache? He made me draw one on underneath so that if it does come off, if you pull it off, you've still got one.

A contingency mustache. Smart kid. Very, very clever. Very smart kid. What was Macy like? Give me some tat. So she was like, give me some. Sticker.

Anyway, it is Friday and hence the end of Book Week, Matthew, which I am so glad about. What about you? Because I had a lot of people say to me, if you're going to dress Oscar up as you, a lot of people actually also said, a lot of people. That was very good. Was it?

Not really. Way off. Way off. Okay. A lot of people were like, For anyone wondering, that's Ash doing an impersonation of Donald Trump. That was my hillary clinton uh a lot of people like you should dress oscar up as matt because now we had that joke where you

what you got him for his birthday was things that you'd wear the boat so we can contemplate it and i was like don't give this guy any more yeah well it was easier for marley because she's got lots of princess dresses so it's just like oh now she's tinkerbell and now she's Marley because she's got lots of princess dresses. So it was just like, oh, now she's Tinkerbell and now she's Belle and now she's Elsa. That was great. Just changed the color of the. Yeah.

Just another Disney princess. Lola, just typical second child. She didn't want anything to do with being a princess. She was a T-Rex, which was actually a rhino. She called it a rhino. I was like, that's a T-Rex. And she's like, shut the fuck up. It's a rhino.

Listen here, dickhead. Sorry about that. What are you, David Attenborough? And then after that, she was an astronaut. And then after that, she was a penguin. And I was trying all week. I was like, does anybody, I was just like planning to see, does anyone want to dress up as dad?

This guy. For my book. And Marley was, does anyone want to dress up as dad? This guy. For my book. And Marley was like, what? Dress up as you and not be a princess? No. And I was like, damn it. And I thought Marley, because she likes me more than she likes anyone else in the family.

Who went as an astronaut? Someone went as an astronaut. Lola. Okay, very good. Buzz Lightyear. And Lola, people who listen to the podcast will be familiar with the fact that Lola fucking hates me. Yeah, yeah.

So I was like, Marley's my best bet here. But she's such a princess kind of girl that she, like the thought of not wearing a princess dress was like hell. So she was like,

nah. So Friday, I was like, Lola, how do we feel about dressing up as dad? The good thing was, Ash, Laura's away right now. And the only time when Lola how do we feel about dressing up as dad the good thing was Ash

Laura's away right now and the only time when Lola likes me is when she's got absolutely fucking no one but I'm the only option left then she's like

alright I'll be nice to you so she was like alright let's let's see what I got and so then put her in the pants put her in the shirt it's a

she's dressing as me so she's dressing as a as a little boy. And even Marley, I was like, Marley, like, help me out here. And Marley was like, wow, that looks great. She's like. You look so pretty. My wife was on board and Lola was kind of like, am I like this?

Then finally I was like, you're dad. And she fucking loved it. Oh, great. And then. Because I was going to say like, worst case scenario, you just call Oscar up and go, I need your help. But then she actually, she was so into it that the rest of the morning,

if I was like, hey Lola, she's like, don't call me that. Call me dad. Call me daddy. And so I was, and like even Marley, she would own the answer if someone was calling her daddy. Wow. Loved it. That's great.

Yeah. She was pumped. So you find out how she's going to be after the rest. Because she's like, I'm dressed as my daddy. Wow. Loved it. That's great. Yeah. She was pumped. So you find out how she's going to be after the rest. Because she's like, I'm dressed as my daddy. And I was like, this is what I've been wanting from day dot. And I finally have it. Oh, it feels good. Mine was all good except for one tiny, tiny thing,

which kids can be mean. So, for example, Buster. Fuck. On your bed, buddy. Holy, man. And I look at the face and it pulls. I'm sorry. Dog has been under the table the whole time and he's just dropped his guts.

For a second I thought it was my breath. I was like, oh, God, I need a mint. On your bed, Buster. Yeah, you've been. I can't get through. Oh, okay. Good boy, buddy. That is eggy.

That is eggy. I thought it was more broccoli. He has had, when the girls don't finish their scrambled eggs, he finishes it off. So that's on me. I apologize. So Oscar, after he went as me I was getting him dressed for bed

after bath and we were of course after bath we were going to read our book which is a great book by the way who's that

it's drawn out there how's that and he was trying to tell me that some of the kids were laughing at him for going as me and I was like

oh what did you say he said where's the book your dad wrote fucking drop the mic oh yeah he was like i felt mean but then he was like that will mean uh and i was like fair call i was like who said that and he was like lenny which is like my mates my one of my best mates kids and i was I was like, oh, yeah, I'll get him. I'll get his dad.

It's all good. That was my fear with Lola because a lot of the kids were dressed as, you know, fairies and princesses. And then she's just there dressed as me going, call me dad. Yeah. Everyone's going as a princess. It's nice for them to go with something different. Yeah. Yeah.

They're in the book too. So it's like. As much as. They could have just gone as themselves. Yeah. Yeah. They're in the book too, so it's like- So as much as I- They could have just gone as themselves. Yeah. There's the life hack. As much as I hate book week, it was a perfect way round off the week. Yeah.

Very self-indulgent, but hey, I'm an indie guy. Hey, I have a new- I don't want to call it a segment because I don't know if it's going to- Actually, I've got a couple, so it's going to run for at least two maybe three episodes I don't have a song unfortunately did you say song okay can you sing for me parenting hack or fuck that in what melody like an Elvis kind of vibe no parenting act no oh okay maybe we'll scrap that we'll come back to it okay

I'm going to send you a video right someone has put this on social media and not that I ever want to tear down another parent Ash because hey

if it works for them and it keeps them happy and their kids happy amazing fantastic who am I to judge but at the same time I'm going to judge

and you know sometimes you go to the comments and you're like, I hope people agree with me in thinking that this is a terrible idea, but this is their parenting hack. Right, this one. Watch it away. All right, so you don't want to shit on these people.

Well, no. Do you know them? Don't know them. We shouldn't shit on them, but at the same time, we will. We're not going to say who they are. That makes me feel physically ill. Why would you do that? Yeah, for anyone.

Okay, let me explain. Let me explain what I've just watched. And it's very innocent. I get it. Beautiful music. Beautiful music. But that's really dialing into that innocence there. Okay.

It's a video and it says, you know people do those videos where it's like, this is your sign. This is your sign to change your hair color. Yeah. Something constructive. Sure. This is a sign to wake your kids up after bedtime for a surprise movie sleepover in the living room. What?

Oh, my God. Can you imagine waking Lola up after she's just fallen asleep and going, surprise, we're going to watch the Disney princesses. She'd be like, fuck off. What? In what world is that a good idea? Why don't you just be like, you know what, kids? After dinner?

You've had a restful day. We're going to watch a movie all together as a family. Beautiful. Don't wake them up and just like, you know what, kids, you've had a restful day. We're going to watch a movie all together as a family. Beautiful. Don't wake him up and be like, if I wake up, he'd be so

confused. And it's like, is it morning? Just look at the comments. I've gone to the point of suffocating myself if I had to

call my kids with sleeping bags to me. Someone said, I would never with love. I don't understand. And, hey, if their kids like it, what have you got for me? Let me know how you feel about it tomorrow. That is a terrible idea.

That's such a bad idea. I want to know, okay, I want to know, surely, surely he's baiting people by saying that. Got to be. That can't be real. That's a bait video. Right? I mean, hook, line and sinker. Let sleeping kids lie.

They need their sleep. If they're older kids. Sure. And you're like, and they're like, hey, dad, my favorite football team's playing at like 3 a.m. tonight because it's in England. Can you wake me up? Done.

Hang on a minute. Let's gaslight your kids into thinking they're gonna have a full night's sleep and then wake them up after an hour and be like surprise you need to fulfill my needs now this is my needs there he is because they they don't need that i can watch that whenever it's on demand things are on demand now maybe 50 years ago when it was like holy shit there's one movie on tv a week. Get up, kids, because you really want to watch it. That shit's Disney's on demand.

I love your rage right now. It's exactly what I wanted to say. Thank you. That's okay. That is a terrible, terrible hack. Should we do lies? Let's do some lies. Tell me lies.

Tell me sweet little lies. Tell me. Tell me lies. Tell me, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies. Can I just start with one that I've sort of merged into two that I've been using with Oscar? I thought you'd never ask. So he's been picking his nose a lot. Eating it?

According to me, yes. Yeah, Marley loves it. It is tasty. Did you ever, just quickly tasty did you ever just quickly did you ever pick your nose and eat it oh yeah you did

I think everyone did at some point I remember as a kid come on now it's a safe space yeah no I remember

in primary school looking at other kids eating their boogers and everyone's like oh this is so delicious and I remember thinking okay you're like

wait till you try your earwax. I remember trying it going, I want to see what all the fuss is about. Not into it. Depends what you got up there, my friend. What's it like? Salty. It's delicious. It's like tasting yourself.

That's delicious. It's like tasting yourself. Ew, that's disgusting. So, yeah, he's been picking his nose and also he's been, like, avoiding to wash his hands. I'm like, go and wash your hands. He thinks that I'm dumb, first of all. He's not far off. It was about him, not me. And I know when he's pooping because he's in there and the

doors open dummy and then i'm like hmm didn't hear it flash and i didn't hear a hand i'm like do you wash your hands and the flusher toy is like yeah i was like okay how come it didn't flush and the tap didn't go and i know you can't reach the soap thing without an adult like just so and that and yeah washing hands and picking your nose. So I started to say do you know kids

who pick their nose don't have any friends? He's like and then I was also like oh kids who don't wash their hands no one likes a kid who smells like shit

so you won't have any friends. We always like to hero the creative lies. Yours are just like very simple you think you know you're a fucking loser at first I started saying if you don't wash your hands they'll fall off and he'll probably be like but then I'll never have to wash my hands because they won't have any

also don't fart yeah that was the one I've been doing with Oscar and well let you know if it works okay it doesn't stink that much. Oh, come on. You've smelt worse. Okay, this one is one that's not been submitted in.

It's one that I saw. It was in the media doing the rounds. Okay. It's on The Project. Actually. Shout out. Shout out to The Project. We were on there last week.

Don't know if you watched it. Couple of new hosts. Great episode. Yeah. Hey, Project. Look out, Nick Cody. We're coming for you. Ash, this is from a celebrity. Well, know if you watched it. Couple of new hosts. Great episode. Yeah. Hey, Project. Look out, Nick Cody. We're coming for you. So, Ash, this is from a celebrity.

Well, it's a professional athlete. International as well. It's always good to see what the parents overseas are doing in terms of line. New Zealand is not considered international. From the UK. Oh. His name is Callum. Plays for Carlisle's United.

You know that team? No. Come on, bro. You're a big soccer fan. Since when? Since you were a semi-professional player when you were younger. I was not semi-professional in anything. Maybe nose picking and eating.

Could have been David Beckham. So he and his wife, they lie to their kids and they say their birthdays are on different days each year. So, Abby, 26, and her husband Callum, 27. Babies. They're babies themselves. Very young. In the UK, that's how they do it.

Very young. Nothing else to do. Exactly. Crap weather. Let's have kids. Didn't you live in London for a while? Four years. Tell us about it.

So, he's a footballer, right? And they made the decision to ensure that both parents could be there on their child's special days. They've got two kids. But obviously, Ash, being a footballer, as I'm sure you are aware, someone who is semi-professional playing away games, don't know when he's going to be in town. So they just flat out lie to their, yeah. Don't know when he's going to be in town. So they just flat out lie to their kids because kids don't know dates. Like their kids are five and three.

Right. They don't know if it's the 16th of March. So they just say, it's your birthday today. Yeah. Shut up. Making sure that it happens. When everyone's in the house. Yeah.

It's kind of nice. It's kind of sweet. Kind of sweet that that's their rule, that everyone's going to be home. I mean, the kids are going to be confused. Why? Eventually they will. How long can you keep up this facade? Until six, seven.

I think seven they start. Oscar knows his date of birth. Does Marley know hers? Yeah, but does Oscar follow a calendar? He's got his own phone. That's a good point. I don't know. Actually, because, okay, here we go. Do kids follow? Wait a minute. Actually, this morning own phone. That's a good point. I don't know. Actually, because, okay,

here we go. Do kids follow? Wait a minute. Actually, this morning. Do kids know what time it is? No, I have no idea.

Idiots. This morning, Lola woke up and she goes, is it Christmas? You should have ran with it. Ah, you missed an opportunity.

I was like, what do you mean? And she goes, is it Christmas day today? And I was like, no. And she goes, oh, when is Christmas opportunity. I was like, what do you mean? And she goes, it's a Christmas day today. And I was like, no. And she goes, oh, when is Christmas? And I said, oh, it's in a few months. And she's like, fair enough.

She's like, months? What are they? Just change. It's how many sleeps. That's usually. How many sleeps? I was like, you've got big school next year. He's like, how many sleeps?

I said, a lot. He's like, 10. Like tomorrow? Like 10. I'm like, a lot more. He's like, 1,000. And I was like, there's a lot of numbers between 10 and 1,000, a lot. He's like, 10. Like tomorrow? Like 10. I'm like, a lot more. He's like, a thousand. I was like, there's a lot of numbers between 10 and a thousand, my guy. I think it's a great idea.

I think it's sweet. Look, it's also very cheeky. Okay. This one comes from a DM by the name of James. Hello, James. Love that. Thank you for reaching out. She's like, I told my daughter that kids' ears turn red when they lie,

but only parents can see it. She would enter the room with her hands covering her ears, and I knew I was in for a good lie. Very good. Very good. That was so good. I did like a little fist bump. Yeah, man.

All right. Such a great story. Well told. Okay, this one is from one of our listeners, DM'd us. Her name is Yam. Also here. I'm sure it is. Yam.

Yam. I won't give her full hand. From the potato family. Mr. and Mrs. Yam. So she says, here's a line my husband tells our daughter that you might enjoy. I'll let you know if I might enjoy it. The TV is powered by when you're eating your dinner. If you won't eat it, it won't work anymore.

So one broccoli equals five minutes. A mouthful of carrots equals four minutes. She said it's worked all month so far. All month. Until they figure it out. And they're like, hang on. Guys, the TV's still on. Hang on a second.

I don't know how many. They also don't know minutes. That's very good. That's good, though. That is very good. I love those. We went for a period with no TV during dinner time. How did that go down?

Hit and miss. Sometimes the kids were amazing. And I was like, I am an incredible parent right now, just sometimes the kids were amazing and i was like i am an incredible parent right now just watching my kids sit there and eat and then other times they're like couldn't sit still for more than five seconds like we hate this so last night laura's away so i'm gonna put tv back on for dinner time oh don't tell laura that no it's so good so good i love the other day where it was like yeah i think you i think i Oscar and that's right, you said to Marley, you were like, oh, mummy doesn't want you to watch the screen.

And Laura turns around and goes, we don't want her to watch the screen. I just laughed. I know. It's like, chuck it on. If you do have a lie that you want to submit to us, please send us a DM at Two DirtingDads or on the Facebook group. Same thing, 2DirtingDads, which is humming along nicely. 2.1 thousand members.

2.2 as of today, Mike. No way. Jesus. Look at me go. Going off in there. Questions, Ash? Yes, we do have questions. Look, I'll go first.

I want to put you on the spot here. This is a question submitted by one of the longest running fans of the podcast, Matty J. I want to know, Ash, have you had to explain to your kids, I'm assuming not because Macy's very young, but maybe Oscar, about periods? I did. It's funny you asked that question because April's currently on her period.

Shout out to April. Shout out. Hope you're doing okay. Hope you're feeling good. See you soon. Trying to tread really lightly over here. And I was like, has Oscar ever asked you about a tampon or a pad? And she was like, yeah, yeah.

He got a pad out of my bag once and was like, are these mummy's nappies? Kinda. Oh, we were having this conversation yesterday in front of Oscar and he was like, went a bit sheepish. And I was like, it's okay, buddy. Mummy shits herself all the time. That's about to the extent that I've had.

I mean, like you said, mate, she's quite young. Mate, she's still on one word sentences. Yeah, so she's probably not ready for like, this is a period. It's going to happen to you once a month. Yeah, she's like, well, you know what happens to your eggs. It's like, I don't even know. Well, because it happened to us. I don't think Laura's told the girls about periods.

I'm pretty sure she hasn't because my sister was around and she took the kids out for a little, a little treat, went to the cafe. Kids had to go to the toilet. My sister also went to the toilet. So they all went together. And then as she pulled her pants down, they saw a tampon. Marley was like, what the hell is that? What the hell? You got a mouse coming at you? And my sister was like, like oh no it's just that's mommy's on a period and and then mommy was like who's doing what now and her kids like they they've seen in that same scenario of taking the kids to the bathroom there was one time because i said to my sister i was like like when do you tell your kids and she was like well i she was using a pad went

to the bathroom kids saw the pad and went oh mom you're bleeding oh my god so she explained to them it happens once a month and uh so then now marley's like how many sleeps very good thank you very good so i'm now hoping, it's up to me to tell my kids about periods. God help us all. I think that's up to Laura, mate. I'm doing it. Strap yourself, kids. I've got a story to tell you.

It must be scary, right? Like, once a month you will start bleeding uncontrollably. I know. It'll happen for a week. I know. You may die. We don't know. In the olden days, you would stand in a ditch for a week I know you may die we don't know in the olden days

you would stand in a ditch for a week long and these days we have these little things I love that it's like

there's a mouse in your vagina funny stuff I have a question for you I thought you were like you gonna ask a question no I wasn't I was thinking are you going to ask a question?

No, I wasn't. I was thinking about doing something different. Singing a song. I've got a question for you. It might not be as applicable to you because you've got two girls and girls are quite sensible. Maybe Lola, not so sensible. Is it okay to let your child do dangerous things, but safely. So what I mean by that is if it's like, walk on the table,

I'll make sure you don't fall off, so that they can know where the boundaries are, or do you think it's just like a no-go? Look, there is a line with anything. Obviously, if it's going to be an activity where they're risking serious injury, I think it would be very negligent to allow your child to still take part in that

activity. If they're doing an activity, which if they have an accident, it'll be like a little fall, a little graze. I think it's okay. As an example, Ash, just down the road from my daycare. The wall. The wall. Have I told you about the wall? I know about the wall. There's a little wall. It's like shin height. Who's shin? Sorry. It runs for about 10 meters. Right? And the girls

for whatever reason, when we walked to the car, we walked past the wall and they both love to walk the length of the wall and I always hold their hand because It's an adventure too. Like that's. Yeah. Kids are adventurous.

Yeah. And then one time Lola was like, don't fucking touch me. Oh. And I was like, you got to be careful. She's a renegade. And she's on that. She, she'll probably do it by herself, but a lot of this time. And I, I think she's quite drunk.

And I was like, daddy's going to hold your hand. And she's like, don't touch me. Get away from me. I can. Like a drunk person. I'm doing this by myself. And I was like, daddy's going to hold your hand. And she's like, don't touch me. Get away from me. I can. Like a drunk person. I'm doing this by myself. And I was like, do you know what? Fine.

Do it by yourself. No. She took four steps and took a tumble. And it was under grass. You're like, told you. Another parent kind of looked at me. And as she like hit the deck, I was like, well, that's what you get. She's like, and the parent looked at me as if I was just as shit as dad ever.

No, that's genius. But. Teach him a lesson. She hasn't walked that wall solo. I wanted to since then. So, hey. So you think it works? Yeah, I think it works.

Yeah, like I've got a boy and he likes to jump off things and all sorts of stuff. And like I'm very much like, same thing, as long as it's not completely dangerous. Like I used to hang him upside down all the time. Like we would be like playing and hang him upside down. Like Michael Jackson out like a balcony window or something? Yeah, just out the back of the window of a five-story building.

It was nothing. It was really fun. We're joking? Yeah, I'm like like that's fine because i've i've got control of the situation but i remember when i was doing it my father-in-law frank who's quite a cautious guy nothing wrong with that i just winked to matt but he was like he would be like and i was like well i'm doing it safely. But like if I'm doing, if Oscar's doing something that's like real dangerous and it's like there is no way of doing that safely, I'll be like, oi, down.

You know? But they kind of need to figure it out themselves. They need to figure it out. If you can't let your kids walk up and down the stairs that's, you know, a bit shaky. And how are they ever going to know? Like I find that like as well, when Oscar does something dangerous and does hurt himself, what helps is the relatability of like, do you know what?

I did that too. I did that when I was a kid, I did that too. I was riding my bike and ran straight into a tree. I did that too. Sometimes you got to do it. Sometimes you got to do it to feel how it hurts. So I think like, yeah, but I think if it's life-threatening, I think you're right.

That's what I was getting at. Hey, before we go. Yes. We do have to clear something up. Yep. And I thought naming our book, Two Dirty Dads as like the headline title. Smart. Very smart. People know us, they know the podcast.

If they don't, maybe they'll want to get to know us. I now realize that was a huge mistake. I wouldn't say mistake. I feel like we've hit a new audience. A separate audience. Okay. I mean, are we frauds? No.

Are we frauds? We never ever once. But we're not correcting people. Well. I don't want to offend anyone by saying no, no, no, no, no, no. Because that could be worse. Okay. I guess the best way to put it is we're swimming with the tide

and the tide is pulling us into a certain direction. Yep. Just to give you guys some context, we did release a book. I don't know if you've heard of it. Two Dating Days and the Quest for Free Time. It's $12 on Amazon right now. Sorry, continue. We went and did a book signing.

At Dimmicks in the City. At Dimmicks in the City, which was lovely. We met some really nice people. A few fans. Love that. Thank you for coming. We did meet someone who didn't know us.

She was a lot older. She was very much a boomer. She was very boomer. She was a little bit cautious. She was kind of looking at the table where we were sitting where the book was on display

kind of like What's this about? Yeah, not quite sure. She was young. And then she came over and she started asking about what age group

the book is for. general sort of questions. She said all kids. Hey, kids. Kids of three or five. She's like, oh, great. She's like, what did she say? She said. And then she kind of, after a little while,

she kind of then turned a corner and was nodding and was like, do you know what? I think what you're doing is fantastic. And I thought, yeah, look, hey, you know, it's not every day you get to publish a book and we're happy. It's great to have it out there. She goes, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know.

I think you guys are brave. And she was like, it's just a kid's book. Yeah, I am brave. Thanks, I guess. And she's like, it's, this is lovely. It's a sign of the times and she was also like my my kids are also in same-sex relationships with kids so what and we're like oh that's lovely like we'd be like the cover kind of looks like we're holding hands a little bit. And we were all like, Matt and I were like, hmm. Okay. And then.

Do you know what I said? I said, she goes, yeah, my nephew's in the same sex relationship and they're raising a boy and it's great. And I said, yeah, it's a heterosexual you need to watch out for. Right. They're an eye there. And then after she, she bought a book, which is great, so worth it. She toddled off and another lady came over and she was like,

oh, I'm a single mum. I'm like, oh, cool. And she was like, yeah, my kids are pretty much raised by the gays as well. And you were like, what a great community. Like, and then after that interaction, we're like. Hang on a second. Two doting dads. There's nothing wrong with that at all. interaction, we're like. Hang on a second. Two doting dads. There's nothing wrong with that at all.

No, not at all. But, you know, we're not correcting people, but. But also we're confused. Anyway, book sales are through the roof. It's never been better. If you've enjoyed this episode or any episode that we've released, 88 up until now, Ash. 89.

Can you bloody believe it? What will we do for 100? Who knows? Time will tell. If you've enjoyed this episode, send it to anyone. Anyone out there who you think will benefit from two loving gay dads. And give us a review. Subscribe.

Five stars. Any little nugget. There's a few nuggets that we've been given. One was a pet parent. 50 fish, he says. Thank you. 50 fish? Correct.

Get a life. God. And we'll see you guys next week. Thanks very much. See you guys. Bye. 50 fish? Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country

throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.