Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #90 There's A Hole In Dad's Head!

Episode Date: September 3, 2024

After finally visiting the "tooth salesman", Ash gifts Matt a present that only a few have the honour of receiving.  Matt has entered a new level of dad after accidentally shitting himself. He's also stumbled upon the ultimate spot that not only showers dads with praise but also provides peace and quiet time from the kids—the nail salon.  We've introduced a new segment called – Parenting Hack Or F*ck That Plus, we tackle your questions! Is it ok for your child to be in daycare clothes the night before to save morning time? What are your thoughts on tracking your child? Make sure you share your best Parenting Lies with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Two times I had to merge across. Do you know who was in front of me? Oh, not two lange-merds. Lange-merds? Okay, carry on. In front of me was a glorious sight. A dad on an electric bike, no shirt on, got hanging out, going down Oxford Street.

Nice. I know where he was going. And I was trying to get out of the way. Cars just wouldn't let me pass. They wouldn't let me in. So you were stuck behind. I know where he was going. And I was trying to get out of the way. Cars just wouldn't let me pass. They wouldn't let me in. So you were stuck behind. I was stuck behind. Not the worst thing to be stuck behind.

Sydney drivers are really bad. Ah. Drove past, looked to my left. I was like, Ash? Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. Did I scare you just then? Yeah.

Sorry. Sorry. I wasn't expecting you to be so... Welcome back. I scared Lola. I was like, put your shoes on. She was like... I know. I did that last night to Macy. I was like, she stood up in Lola. I was like, put your shoes on. She was like, ah.

I know. I did that last night to Macy. I was like, she stood up in her bed and I was like, ah. This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is also the bad. And the relatable. Thank you.

And if you've come for advice, don't do it. Don't do it to yourself. It's like going to a Chinese shop and asking for pizza. You're not going to get it. A Chinese shop? Chinese restaurant. Restaurant. Yeah. What about those takeaway shops that do it all?

They do their Chinese pizza kebabs. We have one down the road from us. Yeah? In Bondi. In Bronte. In Bronte. Surprised they allow it over there. But they do Brazilian.

They do Brazilian. They do Italian. They do pizza, pasta. They also do like poke bowls as well. You can get like schnitty. You can smell the food poisoning. And one time I was so desperate. It was the only place that was delivering.

I think it was a rainy day and now the only one's open. It's like a Christmas day. And they're also like they're unbelievable kids fish and chips as well beautiful delicious we should get them on as a sponsor

shout out to Bronte Bello down at Bronte delicious lovely happy father's day to me and to me happy father's day

to you as well one of the best dads I've ever come across if not the best dad can I just say. Are you talking about yourself again? You have done such a great job raising two incredible children and you should be so proud.

Now I feel bad for not giving you a decent enough compliment. No, it's fine, man. If you want to like shit on me. You are a doting dad. One of the doting-est. Right back at you. I'm not good at compliments. How did you celebrate?

How did I celebrate? Sounds great. Sounds like what a day. It was a nice day. It was hot. A hot day. Look, it was just a general run of the mill day.

It was good for the kids to be like, happy Father's Day. A couple of little gifts, nothing too crazy. A couple of daycare gifts? What did you get? Yeah, I got the mug.

Standard. Beautiful. I got the shitty artwork. Standard. Which I told them I'll cherish forever, but now I don't know where it is. And I got some seeds. Excuse me? Seedlings.

It's like a little pot. What kind of plant was it? I don't know. I'll just put it somewhere from him. Have you planted it? No. He knows I never do any gardening, but we can't because we're living with Frank, my father-in-law.

Shout out to Frank. Lovely man. Shut up. No, he is. He is lovely. But Barb, his partner, is a real green thumb. So you gave, you only gave her this evening? No, Oscar gave it to her.

He was like, here you go. But other than that, no. What about you? How did you celebrate? I got a couple of gifts from the kids. Both Marley and Lola gave me the exact same gift from daycare, which was barbecue seasoning. Like a barbecue, like a Cajun seasoning.

Like a taco. Like a taco seasoning. It was the exact same from both. So I opened Lola's and she was like, close your eyes, daddy. This is whilst I'm still in bed. And I'm like, oh, it's barbecue seasoning, which is great.

And then Marley was just as pumped being like, now it's my turn. And then I was like, I remember thinking, move over, I've got some barbecue seasoning

as well. I felt it. I was like, it feels quite similar. Same seasoning. Old El Paso. Yeah. So daycare,

not to criticize because I'm very appreciative of what you've given the kids to give me, but mix it up. You have two options. Clerical error. Think of all the dads out there that only got one sachet of barbecue. Yeah, yeah. Sucks to be you. But then I was pretty keen to go to the CAF.

I saw you got breakfast in bed. How did you? Well, I wanted to go to the CAF. I wasn't really that keen on breakfast in bed. CAF? CAF the CAF. I saw you got breakfast in bed. How did you? Well, I wanted to go to the CAF. I wasn't really that keen on breakfast in bed. CAF? CAF. Hang on. Is that what you call it or is that what you think it's called?

It's called the CAF. It's called the CAF. It's a cafe. Yeah, or CAF. What do you want to call it? Cafe? CAF? Sure.

Let's not get hung up on the minor details. Okay. Marley was really excited. She had it fixated into her little brain that she wanted to make me breakfast in bed. Oh, that's not sweet. She had one of our cheese boards

that she had... Chikudri boards. Thank you. Must be nice. She had decorated it with some leaves and some bark and other ornaments

from the garden. Native? They were... I think they were native. Oh, nice. A few succulent leaves as well. Laura was like, don't touch my plants.

I can imagine. And I, in the morning the morning i said i want to go to to go out for breakfast and marley was like no breakfast in bed i was like well it's my father's day it's my decision she was like shut the fuck get back to bed right now she wouldn't allow me to go get breakfast elsewhere i had to wait there she made me breakfast in bed finally came upstairs gave me the plate, toast on it, delicious peanut butter. Love that. And then Lola was like, um, yuck. And then she ate the toast.

So you got nothing. She gave me a corner of crust that was like half warm from saliva. Very kind. Very kind. And then I cleaned the house, dude. That was it. What a, that's just a dad day. Just a normal dad day.

That is a classic dad day. Father's Day is the day to be more of a dad. So it's like clean the house, wipe the bums, get them bathed, get them to bed. Job done. Job done. So, yeah, well, great. Happy Father's Day.

And happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. We love you. Shut up. Can I be empathetic? Can I be not sympathetic? I don't even know the words. But happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. I have to admit something to you, Ash.

Yeah? And, look, it's not easy for me to be this honest with you on the podcast in front of our audience. Are they here? They're listening go on when you've talked about shitting yourself my approach my reaction to that a knee-jerk reaction if you will has always been like how how does that happen you've done it ash over the weekend there was an incident. Weirdly, I wasn't hungover. It wasn't off the back of a really spicy meal.

I was just doing a simple wee. Standing, obviously. Standing wee, enjoying the wee. The wee was great. The wee was flowing. Everyone was having a good time. Except mid-weeweek my body was confused in that moment somehow my body thought that we were sitting down for a week and it was time to do a poop and it just well like as i was relaxing mid there's a moment i think mid-week where you find a moment of inner peace. And you shiver.

You're like. And I had to catch myself because my body was about to do a poo. I was like, body, what are you doing? We're standing up. Body was like, whoa. My bad. I read that scene completely wrong. Okay.

We're back to work. Back to the office. My day was going to continue. Yeah. And then I thought I felt something. I went back to the bathroom. I inspected. We had a bit of leakage.

Nugget. No, I wouldn't say nugget. I'd say a kiss. Like a Hershey's kiss. It was a Hershey's kiss. But it was a good kiss. Nice. It was a Hershey's kiss. But it was a good kiss. Nice. It was a bit of tongue. And my favorite undies as well.

But then the hard thing was, Ash, the hard thing was I was debating, I don't know how you approach this, like do I wash the undies or do I just throw them out? I got to rinse and wash. Like, it's not. Okay, I panicked. It's not like you murdered someone in them. Did you?

I thought I would get rid of them. Okay, so go on. Oh, you wear white ones too. They're white. They're white. You need to rethink that part of your wardrobe. Now I'm at an age where white undies are no longer an option. I just think altogether white undies should be abolished for men.

Women, increase them. Men, abolish them. I think it's offensive. So I wanted to get rid of the mash. And the problem was my mum was standing in the kitchen. Yeah. And she was standing in the toilet. Sorry. Standing in the toilet in the kitchen. Mum was standing in the kitchen. Yeah. And she was standing in the, sorry,

she was standing in the toilet in the kitchen. She was, mom was standing in the kitchen near the bin. And so I had to then like take the undies off, wrap them up nice and tight. So that would fit in my hand. And I had to then like walk over to the bin and like in an unsuspicious manner, put the undies in the bin.

What's that over there? Is that what you did? Well, I also, my mum's 72, so she's easy to fool. Yeah. I feel like I could come in with a unicorn and mum would just be like. It would have been really, really funny if you were like, mum, hold this for a second. Just popped in with a hand and walked away.

And then I looked in the mirror and afterwards I was just like, who am I? Welcome to the club, my friend. What have I become? Once every few months I poop myself. And it's a good wake-up call to remind you. It's like a reset. That you're alive and you're here.

I, for one, at the moment would love to shit myself. I'm extremely constipated. And that's because of all of the codeine I have been taking from a sore tooth. What is the limit? What is the maximum length of time one person can continuously take codeine? Well, forever, I guess. I don't know if that's the right thing. Here's the thing.

I went to the dentist, as we know, last week, and he gave me some codeine to band-aid the pain. The dentist gave you codeine? He gave me a script for it. Did they do that? Obviously. Are they allowed? Yeah, they are, I guess.

Well, I went to, well, the chemist willingly gave me from the doctor's script. He was like, hang on a second, this is from a dentist. And it said one at a time, and then the chemist said to me, you can take two at a time. It's fine. And I was like, can I? The amount of coding they gave me was for to band-aid up until the extraction. I went through it in about three days because I was in that much pain.

Yeah, you called me wailing on the phone. And now I have an addiction to prescription painkillers. No, but I was like, oh, God, I'm going to need some more. And now I have an addiction to prescription painkillers. No. But I was like, oh, God, I'm going to need some more. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to try and get this tooth out earlier. Rang them up and they had a cancellation. I just love, I love that the only people who can help you are those who have been beaten down by Ash Wicks for such a long period.

Since the start of this podcast and they've been copping shot after shot after shot from you and now now you're on your hands and he's begging it's a credit to their public service because they could easily just be like no this guy obviously doesn't know about that so fooled you and i'll be like usually now i'm like you listen to our podcast yeah he's like what do you what do you do? And you're like, oh. We have a podcast. It's all about how great dentists are. What was the problem with your tooth? It was a.

I don't know. It just hurt a lot. It's an old filling tooth that was. So it hurt a lot. It was dead, dying. No, it was irritating the nerves underneath it. Right. So the options were root canal, too expensive.

He sat me down. He turned the lights off. He turned the lamp on my face. He said, how badly do you want to keep this tooth? I said, I'm not that attached to it, to be completely honest. It's attached to my head, but I'm not that attached to it emotionally. So let's remove it. But because I'm such a scaredy cat, I was like, can we

somehow knock me out? He's like, no, mate, it's going to cost you like three or four times, way more. Don't be such a scaredy cat. Let's just rip it out of your head. So you go in, take these three sleeping tablets. I don't know if this is legal. I don't know where this dentist is really shifting. So I'm in his garage. I'm in his basement. I'm tied tied up i don't know what's going on i got no pants on he said it's necessary and um yeah i think like it's like doesn't put you to sleep but it makes you a bit out of it i was pretty out of it i'm gonna be honest i was really enjoying it and i actually fell asleep on the at the lead up and then they woke me up and I was like no anyway so they had to

take the tooth out because it was like unless they were to do the root canal and try and save the tooth it's best to rip it out now I've got a big hole in my head

may I ask you just really quickly did you get any second opinion from April in regards to saving the tooth or losing the tooth

nah she said get it out. She wanted it out. She's sick of me complaining. She's honestly so over it. She was at the point where I'd be like, oh, my tooth. She'd be like, ooh, my tooth. She'd be like, no, actually, that's right.

I was in bed and I was like, I can't get up my mouth. She's just like, you can't decide when it's too sore to get out of bed or when it's too sore not to get out of bed. So get out of bed. I was like, oh, fuck, okay. So managed to squeeze in on the Monday, which is two days ago. And I do have a present for you. Please.

Are you ready? Oh, it's so big. It is my tooth. I want to put it as like a necklace. I was thinking that. Might need to clean it first, probably. Gosh, it's so long. It's a long tooth. So anyway, there's a hole in my head now. Oh, my. it's so long. It's a long tooth.

Anyway, there's a hole in my head now. It's so long, dude. Hang on a second. There's a big black mark in there, isn't there? What's your professional opinion? How black that fucking guy is. Yeah, pretty bad. What's the black stuff mean?

There's a little bit of good in all of us. Yeah, so I- Do you want to keep it? I don't want to take your tooth from you. No, it's yours. It's yours to keep. You'll never, ever forget me. Thank you.

You'll never forget. Whenever you're facing yourself with a hard decision, look to the tooth. Hold the tooth. Hold it. Look to it and go, what's the right move here? And the tooth will tell you. Well, look who it is. Ah, look who's come barging in.

You had one job. Don't come in. And you've come in. What did you figure? Oh, the keys. Bye, April. Hey, April, do you love me any less now that I'm less of a man because I'm missing a tooth?

I don't want to lie. That's not what you told me last night. Bye, April. Bye. Where are you going? Where are you going, by the way? You're going to Egypt Very good Some of your best work

Thank you Is that right Is that geographically correct Is that Yeah For those of you wondering She said I'm going to the Cairo. And I said, are you going to Egypt? That's what living with me is like.

She's not coming back. Can you just open your, can I see? Can I see? Yeah. We'll get a close-up of it. So what's the recovery like right now? Yes, that was a bit... Did they stitch it up?

No. No, it's a vacant hole. I'm listening. Yeah, so they leave it as is for now. I've had a few messages from people that also had theirs out. Also, criticizing my lack of being able to stay strong against dentists. Can I tell you a story just really quickly? Go.

Really quickly. I'm listening. This is in the UK. I lived in London. Oh, did you live in London? I haven't told us for 30 seconds. Just for those people who are new to the podcast, I lived in London for four years.

Or if you haven't been listening for the last 15 minutes, a man hasn't told you he lived in London for four months. It's a great city. I recommend it. You couldn't call it living. Lived in London. It's a great city. I recommend it. You couldn't call it living. Four years? Sure. That's living.

I had a passport. That's living. Go. You had a passport? Yeah. Give us an accent. Do you know what I mean? I was in London, yeah, and my fucking mate was like, no, no.

What? What, guys? There was a friend of ours was a dentist and you know was still is still is a dentist I think I won't say her name

Charlotte it's not Charlotte MD and you know we're talking about what life is like as a dentist and I said you know

have you ever made a mistake and she goes oh yeah absolutely go on one time she was extracting a tooth and then she extracted the tooth, looked at the X-ray and went, oh, shit.

Took the wrong tooth out, wrong side. Was like, oh, got to take the right tooth out. That person woke up and they said, look, good news, bad news, bad news. We found another tooth that also needed to come out. The good news is that we took it out, didn't charge you anything extra because you were under. You're welcome. And that patient was like, thank you so much.

That's so kind of you. That's why they mark the leg in surgeries because it's like, we've got to remove a leg. There's one with gangrene, one without gangrene. I think the one with gangrene should be removed. Can't be certain. But just in case, they've put a cross around this one. So not this one.

It's lucky that you got the right tooth out. Yeah. Like you didn't wake up and you were all sort of like, home, off, home. Ash, the good news is. The good news is you've got no teeth left. But I can see the mistake there because the see-through. And I mean, all those years of training.

I love how all of a sudden you're the dentist sympathizer. Who would have thought we'd be here? I got a clean while I was there. They outsold me. Ash, what do you think you're doing? Whoa. Hang on, buddy. We're good friends, remember? It's Nerf or nothing. I don't know what you mean. You have an interesting look in your eye. Do you know what this is? Yeah, of course I know what that is. It's Nerf. It's not any old Nerf, Matthew. It's the N-series.

What's the N-series? It's extreme. It's got extreme accuracy, speed, and distance. This one in particular is actually called a pinpoint. Big, large scope. Just the way I like it. And it's got a 10-dart cartridge. See that? Can you just relax, please, when we're doing a podcast you can relax when you sleep speaking of nerf actually who do

you think would win a battle between the johnsons or the wicks look any team that lol is in i'm worried i'm scared she's a renegade she's an animal she's untrustworthy and she's so good at gaslighting people she would drag you in with a false sense of security and then bang. She's actually got a very good aim on her as well. Her hand-eye coordination is impeccable. Mike is not so much. Oscar, yes. I reckon he would do all right.

He's small, slender, so he'd be able to hide. Macy, clumsy. No, it's not Macy I'm worried about. It's April. April with an n series lethal parenting hack i also find the nerf n series very helpful around the house what do you mean well when i run a bath and the kids don't get in it i come after them with a nerf they get in pretty quick smart that is very clever it's really sad to watch Maisie run from me. She waddles.

Enjoy next level play with the all new Nerf N-Series. Perfect for active fun. So grab your kids and get outdoors for action-packed excitement with Nerf. Available now from all leading retailers. And Matt, before we get back to the show. Well, I think we should probably, Ash, if you, Ash, Ash, no! No! No! As men, as dads, we're very lucky, Ash. We're very lucky in that we're the first generation of dads.

Actually, a few people got very angry when I was like, we're the first generation of hands-on parents en masse. Do you know who got angry with that? The people that weren't hands-on. Well, there was one dad who was like, I was hands-on with my kids. I was like, I don't want to know about you and your kids. There was parents like, my dad was hands-on, I swear. I was like, no, he wasn't.

So we can go to any kind of environment out of the house, like going grocery shopping with the kids. Other parents look at us, females, and they're like, wow. I know, the bars are really low. Like boomer moms, for example. Boomer moms look at us and they're like, wow. I know the bars are really low. Like Boomer Mums, for example. Boomer Mums look at us and they're like, we don't deserve it. But they look at us and they think, gosh, like what an amazing dad. When we're doing the bare minimum. I take it.

I'll take it any day of the week. Little did I know I'm shopping for a boys' trip. I have found a location where the praise is almost too much. I'm listening. So I don't know if you've ever taken Macy to get her nails done. No, not yet. Dude. I think she's too young, isn't she?

She's too young. I've seen you do it. I've thought about it. So I do it to the girls. It's like seven bucks. Seven bucks per kid, get nails done. And they sit still? Now they do.

The first few the poor guy was like alright here we go last nail and then Lola would go yeah move her hands

and be like fuck start all over again we were there for hours but I'm telling you if you feel like maybe there's a day that you're struggling

as a parent you're not doing enough just take your child go to the nail salon and just the looks of the other women in that nail salon as you're there with your child, go to the nail salon, and just the looks of the other women in that nail salon as you're there with your child picking out colours, it is un-fucking-believable. Yeah.

I'm going to go in a bat for you here and say that that's a very modern man thing for you to do. Like that's, I don't, I've never, like I always. Dude, I sit there, I sit there and I get 10 minutes of peace and quiet whilst my girls get their nails done. That's great. So it's like. That's top tier dadding, I think.

Because I've, yeah, it's, you think, oh, yeah, going to the nail salon, like what a good dad. Yeah. What a great guy. That's outstanding. Yeah, not afraid to do anything that's like, you know, not, like You know Because you get yours done every now and then don't you Yeah I didn't get them done Should we take all four kids

Because Oscar would be super keen Yeah he'd love it All four kids He'd love it Two dads If there's a nail salon out there That would love us to come and do it I'm okay for that

Bring the family Bring the family Can we get our feet done I love that. Yeah? What about those little fish that eat your feet? No, that's a scam. Is that a scam?

Yeah, so just any dads out there who are listening and just prepare yourself the absolute onslaught of praise. Like another mum was getting her nails done and she's like, I just think that's so lovely that you're taking your girls here. And I was like, it's no big deal. No big deal. I'm just doing what I can. My wife's interstate that you're taking your girls here. And I was like, it's no big deal. No big deal. I'm just doing what I can. My wife's interstate at the moment.

She's working away. She's an absent mother, but that's fine. She's just trying to put food on the table, but she's also absent. Yeah, someone's got to take them out, right? You know, if not me, then who? I'm going to try it. I think we should try it. I think we should all do it together.

Two gay dads, four kids. We're not doing those ladies from the bookstore. They'll walk past and they go, oh, they're there. There they are again. Aren't they lovely, those two gay dads? They've got four kids between them. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, it's two broken marriages.

Mums were absent. Ash, we spoke last week about the new kind of calling it a segment. It's called Parenting Hack or Fuck That. It's where we look at a video that's been posted on social media. They're a parent who is suggesting they have an idea, a concept, a way of making parenting. Something groundbreaking. Making parenting better or easier.

And look, honestly, we do come across videos out there that the hack is groundbreaking. I had one where, I don't know if your kids use it, the little beads that they put on, they place the bead on a little shape and you iron the beads and they then make a shape. But they fucking go on the floor all the time. But if you put a sock in the vacuum cleaner. Yes, that was good.

And then you can suck up all the beads and they get stuck in the sock. Job done. Parenting hack? Absolutely. Last week's fuck that was apparently suggested that you wake up your kids after they've gone to bed to give them a surprise movie night. Anyway. They're already awake for the majority of the day.

Have a movie day. That sounds great. So this week, Ash, day. Have a movie day. That sounds great. So this week, Ash, I've got a new video. Okay, cool. Wait on me. I feel like I bring nothing to the table. You're the one who's always got them. Your reaction.

I promise next week. No, your rage last week was more than enough. My rage? Because I just think it's not fair on the child. I think that's selfish for your own gratitude. But then to be able to post a video about it like, I'm such a great parent. You're a shit parent.

Well said. Well said. That's, that's, you're filling my cup. That's what I wanted. I'm filling your cup. With what?

Okay. Ash, do you think this is a parenting hack or fuck that? Yes. I'm loving this. Road trips. Am I going in the mindset of road trips? Road trips.

Get a big drive ahead of you. Asking your kids, do you need to go to the toilet? You don't. Okay. Let's going in the mindset of road trips? Yeah, road trips. You've got a big driver ahead of you asking your kids, do you need to go to the toilet? You don't. Okay, let's get in the car. Let's set off. Okay, we're off. We're driving. I'm watching.

No, nope. No, no, no, nope, nope. No, no, no, no, nope. This is a product you can purchase online. All right, so let me just explain what I'm looking at here. It's a product that someone's purchased that unfolds, goes onto the floor of the car. Right, so let me just explain what I'm looking at here. It's a product that someone's purchased that unfolds, goes onto the floor of the car.

It's like a flat pack. It comes as a flat pack cardboard box. Yeah. It looks like there's a plastic liner. It opens up to a potty. So the kid sits on it. That kid's way too big for that potty, first of all. And then they shit in it.

You wrap it back up and then go on your day. And then what do you do? Dump it in a bin? Okay, what about, Ash? Hear me out. Nighttime. Nighttime road trip, you're on the side of a cliff. Why would I be on the side of a cliff?

I don't know where you're driving, bro. Maybe you're up in the mountains. Maybe it's snowing, right? Yeah. So it's hard to then do a bush wee or bush poo. So you need to do that business in a place that's quite close to the car. You don't want to shit next to the car. I think it's demeaning.

What? I'm like, hey. And what, shitting next to a tree's not? Yeah, but you're in nature. You're in nature. You go camping really out in the sticks and that way you dig a hole down river. Not up river. What about, I don't know how long your children take to poo. Mine take a little while.

Do they? A little while, yeah. Oscar's PSI is unbelievable. Macy's still shits in nappies. But look, I would highly doubt you know how strange kids are. There's a bigger chance of my kid's shit doing a bush poo than sitting on what looks to be a magician's hat to take a shit.

He'd be like, what is, as if it's going to support his weight. He'd end up shitting and falling back into it. I think, I think someone's tried to cash in to make some money on idiots. That's what I think about that. So it's not a hack. I think the hack is if your kid needs to shit, you pull over, find a bush.

Do it the old-fashioned way. And go, here, I'm watching. I'm here to protect you whilst you poo out here. And then I'll get the wipes, wipe it up. The shit's gone into the soil. Perhaps a tree grows. That's a hack. This is not a hack.

This is, oh oh I'm scared that my I'm trying to protect my kid it's over complicating a situation it doesn't need to be I think also it's way too pretty coloured

it could be mistaken for one of those gift bags next minute you're giving a friend a bag of shit yeah you need to you need to have the shape and colour

like shit it needs to be off putting I think they're trying to cash in on something that's... Okay, well said. So it's not a hack, it's a fuck that. You had it here first. Should we do... No, before we move on, I've got something really quick for you.

Please. But I've got something I just want to bring up that I've just stumbled across. Matthew Johnson, and I didn't know this, you're a very humble man, and you haven't brought this to my attention, nor has anybody brought this to my attention until I'm sitting across from you a man via via man dad via dad you've been nominated for an award yeah it's weird i didn't know that i didn't know that either it was a scam i thought

i was being scammed honestly i think you're being scammed so no just to give some context to the listeners matt has because a finalist of the Bordy Awards, whatever that is. Never heard of it. Still an honour. For Content Creator Changemaker of the Year. See, the weird thing is, Ash, weird thing is, like I've not really done anything in the mental health space. But it's for children's mental health.

You've done some Starlight stuff, didn't you? Yeah, but not enough to like. You do more than what I do. You're up against some pretty heavy competition. I don't know how I got nominated, but it's a public vote. It's a public vote. So, look, listen. No, I mean.

We need to make sure that Matthew J. Not needed. And I will be plugging this. I'm honoured to be nominated, but it's not required. It is required. It's a must. The awards are in Brisbane. I'm honoured to be nominated, but it's not required. It is required. It's a must. The awards are in Brisbane. I'm not flying to Brisbane for the awards.

I'm only bringing the kids with me. I'm going to start a GoFundMe for Matthew. I'm both impressed and proud of you. Thank you. So if you want to go vote for Matt, you can at Boardy Awards, their Instagram page. I'm going to put it on my story. Thank you.

And every day. Very kind of you. It's announced. I appreciate that. Vote now. And every day. Very kind of you. Until it's announced. I appreciate that. Vote now. I don't do this for the recognition, Ash. I just try and be- And that's enough of that.

That's enough. So let's go to- We're going into lies. Lies. We've got some cracking lies today, so let's get into it. Tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lies.

Tell me lies. This one's from Tilly. Hey, Tilly. It's going to get dark real quick, so I would just maybe remove the... Enthusiasm. Out of your voice. We can get it back afterwards once we've recovered. My older sister told me my mother was on a business trip

when I was old enough to notice other kids had mum and a dad. I think I was four or five. Now, bear with me. My dad allowed me to believe this rather than explain the concept of death. My mum was dead. I know. That is bad parenting. Oh, my goodness.

That is like proper. That's a lie. Yeah, that is one hell of a lie. Also, just the best case example of boomer parenting. Oh, yeah, just run with it. Yeah. She said, I'm not mad about it. I probably wouldn't have understood the truth anyway.

So, like, she's obviously still very close with her dad. She's taken that very well. First of all, sorry about your mom. Very sorry. Second of all, it's kind of sad. Jesus Christ. At what point do you then say, sorry, she's not on that sales conference.

She's dead. Just kidding. Like, how do you? How long was the sales conference? She's been on that conference for years. Yeah, I know. I know. When do you, I suppose like when you're at an age to understand,

you would just. But there's always going to be that period where you're like six or seven and you're still running with the conference business trip line. Yeah. Oh, God. Just be honest. That's a minefield. For God's sake.

This one is from Courtney. Hello, Courtney. Hello, Courtney. Please don't be as morbid. Hello. Please don't. That's a mind field. For God's sake. This one is from Courtney. Hello, Courtney. Hello, Courtney. Please don't be as morbid. Hello. Please don't be as morbid. Courtney. Hello, Courtney. Did I not tell you I lived in London for four years, Dad?

That's very good. Thank you. Close my eyes. It felt like I was right back on Oxford Street. Did I tell you I lived in London? All right there, Courtney. The lie I told my four-year-old last week. We were at Costco having pizza in the food court.

Delicious. And ash. An alarm went off in the store. My son then asked why it was going off. I told him it goes off when kids are being naughty and don't listen or eat their food. I then watched a parent leaving the store with their child and pointed to them and said to my son, see, that kid must have been naughty.

They'd been taken out of the shop. Let's say it worked. He ate his dinner a bit quieter than usual. I love a perfectly timed lie. Especially when there's someone like, and you're like, see? That's him. And if he's crying, you're like, perfect. Or a lie that could easily be the truth.

Because it was in this instance. Before we move on, I've got one that I've been using as I've had my tooth out. Now I've been using my tooth with Oscar to get him to brush his teeth properly. Because it's not the act of him getting the toothbrush to his mouth. He just sucks on it. It's so annoying. And they go, finished.

And you go, you can't just eat the toothpaste. Do it properly. Do it properly, yeah. And he's on adult toothpaste now because with a normal toothpaste. When did this happen? When he got the crown. Yeah. The kid stuff, was it strong enough?

No, it was too tasty. What was the first few times of him having a full strength mint eclipse? There was one stage where he had the toothbrush up to his mouth. He was like. I'm going to do it. It's not that bad. So I've been like, I've had a tooth out. So every time now I'm like like do you want to look like this

and it just follows with him going so it's not yeah it's just what you want I'm like grabbing by the collar I'm like this could be you

get him out of my sight it's not really a lie it's kind of the truth that's how it happened to me but it's it's working and Macy's just equally as terrified truth that's how it happened to me but it's it's working and macy's just equally as terrified so that's my lie for the week perfectly timed lies perfectly timed lies

yeah okay all right and we have some questions we do we do have a couple of quick questions we do have some questions this one is from megan she says i'm returning to work after having my first child and he will soon attend daycare. I feel like I know exactly what your answer would be, Ash, but she wants to know if it's okay to dress her child in daycare clothes the night before to save morning time the following day. Like you kind of want to, what was that noise? You kind of want to give them a like – you kind of want to give parents

like that as a like – you just – I'm always like just do your best. I think it's okay if it's pajama week. Yes. Pajama day, whatever. Because that's just like the best week of the year because it's like out of bed, off to school. The rule book's out the window. But I get – look, I get it if you – every kid's different.

If it's like I always argue with Oscar in the morning. He's like, get dressed. He's book's out the window. But I get, look, I get it if you, every kid's different. If it's like, I always argue with Oscar in the morning. He's like, get dressed. He's too busy doing something else. But if they're dressed before, but also they could smell like sleep. You don't want their kids to develop a complex. How old's the kid? What do you mean? Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What does sleep smell like? You know what I'm talking about. Sleep stinks. It's just like this. You are autistic. Am I? When are you smelling sleep? It just smells like sleep.

I don't know. I can't. That's the only description I could give you. People know what I'm talking about. Do they? Well, let's find out. If you know what sleep smells like, let us know. There's going to be an influx of messages.

Because I've never smelt sleep. Well, smell yourself, my friend, because you stink. It also depends how old the kid is. It must be a year old, this kid. Still a baby. Still a baby. So. Okay, there is.

It goes against the grain. It goes against what we've been taught. Okay, you go to bed, you wear pajamas. You wake up, you wear your daytime clothes. I do have a friend, their child used to be really tricky in the morning to get dressed. They then used to pick out the clothes the night before. That's cool. And like put them to the side.

So in the morning, they're like, the clothes are right there. We'll get dressed. Over time, he would then get so excited because he'd pick out his clothes. At nighttime, he'd want to start wearing them. Right. He now, he goes to bed wearing the clothes for the following day.

He also wears socks and shoes to bed. And she tries to, when he's asleep, she tries to take the shoes off him. And he's like, I gotcha. What do you think you're doing?

I got a backflip. Play on. I think I was being a bit harsh. I think do your best. That's it. I don't want parents to feel like I'm judging them on that or making them feel bad. So I would say if it helps you, play on.

Do it. Do it. Do what feels natural to you. What's your question? My question comes off the back of something I heard. It was a question that we did get asked by an anonymous. There's a particular radio station in the mornings here. Sometimes they do afternoon shifts, Fitzy and Whipper and Kate Ritchie.

Whipper was talking about- Whipper was talking about the City to Surf. Which we did. Which we did. about. Whipple was talking about the City to Surf. Which we did. Which we did. And he was talking about his kids were saying hey, can we run on ahead?

And he was like, yeah, fine. Go ahead. And his wife said are you an idiot? We're losing this many people. There's 90,000 people here and he's like the joke's on you. I've air tagged the kids. So then we also had a question that come. Is it okay to track your kids?

I'm really torn by this one. I'm really torn, Ash. Whether it's against their will or their knowledge or not. I think, I think there's no harm. There's no harm in letting the kids know that they've got a tracker. I need to say track track sounds very hunting

is it okay to track and hunt your children yeah on a deserted island yeah I think

imagine this imagine you're at the shopping center you lose Oscar right you cannot find him

I'm listening imagine if you thought to yourself like if only I had put a little tracker in his shoe you know if someone's taken him we could find him right now very true and you know for the sake of like

wanting to have consent from your five-year-old kid because I think morally there's that question of like do I need them to consent to being tracked or not? I think when they're four or five, you don't need that level of consent because they don't know any. Yes, they're not old enough to consent. They're just like, yeah, okay, because they're just going to think it's cool.

They have magic shoes. They have magic shoes that allow mum and dad to find out where you are. Will that make them wander off more though if they know? They'll be like, well, mum can track me. I don't think we are equipped to give the correct answer. First of all, I think- You can track them up to 12. Okay.

Up until 12, they're trackable without consent. I know. It's a scary one to think. I think if I'm going to track my kids, I'm going to have the conversation with mum as well, right? I think, but there's no malice intent with wanting to track your kids. And that's why I think it's okay. If your kid is like 14 or 15 and you're like, I don't know,

you're trying to- Let them live their lives. They're going to make the mistakes they're going to make anyway. But obviously you cannot track other adults. No. Just put that out there. Laura, I know where you are. Yeah.

All right, look, it's all a bit icky for me. I'm just going to say it. I think for the safety-wise, like you said, okay, I see that. But at the same time, it's just something about it gives me the ick. Yes. I can appreciate that. Yeah. But I'm going to get some Apple tags.

Look, I'm not going to sit here and say what Whipper did was wrong. Okay, I think microchipping. Microchipping. We're not there yet. What he did wasn't wrong. Apple tags an issue. What was wrong about what he did is that his wife didn't know. She may have loved that he was being proactive.

Maybe. I don't know what their relationship's like. But I just think that if you're going to be- What would April say? We talk about parenting trying to be at a united front. If I'm turning around, if my wife's turning around and me saying, are you a fucking idiot? You're going to lose the kids.

You're like, joke's on you. They're air tagged. Perfect. That's my answer. I want to brand my children. Back in the old days, you'd be like, please return two. I don't hate the idea, but I do agree. I'd probably have to flag it with Laura.

Who knows as well who can tap into that tracking device? That's another thing. If you can, with PayWave now, you can walk past someone and they can take your card. Maybe if they can go, we'll pick up an AirTag, that kid's AirTag, let's fucking follow him home. Can I ask you another question? Is the world flat or round?

I'm not a conspiracist are you no i'm just saying people are tracking okay did man land on the moon that's the next question please don't belittle my opinions i know i think I'm going to be sad I appreciated this I'm never going to give any serious any serious answers to anything moving forward is that what you wanted from this I appreciate it

and if you have appreciated this episode please subscribe don't exit music me out I need to get out of this house Ash is wearing an

alfoil hat right now because they're all listening they're listening to us. And send it to anyone else who you think will enjoy listening to us talking about tagging kids. And also any questions, any lies.

They tag wildlife for research. Okay? I'm just saying. Maybe you shouldn't tag your kids, but what you should do is buy them what people are calling the best book ever written for kids. Yes.

Two Doting Dads, The Quest for Free Time. They bought the book. I think it's Amazon. It's like $12. It is. Also $12 maybe. Online, best place to buy it. We've written a book that I'm sure you've heard us talk about many times.

It's one that the kids will like and hopefully the adults will also enjoy as well. Agreed. It's not a book about two gay dads. That's our next book, The Adults Only. Okay, we're going to get out of here. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Yeah, keep going. Yep. Oh, I live. I'm alive. Oh, there he is. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country I'm alive. Oh, there he is. Oh. You like that? I do. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.