Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #95 Breakups, Balloon Fights And Bum Wipes

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

Is your kid a good self-bum-wiper?  Lola, Matty J's littlest, is sick and tired of people wiping her bum. The only problem is that she's not very good at completing the job on her own.  Macy, Ash's little girl, is upset that someone took her balloon after her mum watched the culprit sprint out of Rhyme Time with the balloon in hand.  The tears continue this week as Matty J makes the very TOUGH decision to break up with his daughter's daycare.  We've introduced a new segment called – Parenting Hack Or F*ck That Plus, we tackle your questions! Is it okay to change your baby's nappy on the plane?  What's a tip for a new girl that they don't tell you? Make sure you share your best Parenting Lies with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

There are certain people, Ash, that you don't see for a while. And then you see them and you go, shit, I'm getting on. Oh, you're getting on. I'm getting old. They're getting old. Everyone's getting old. I saw... Technically, as soon as you're born, you're getting old. True. I'm not going to dispute that. As soon as you're born, you're dying.

Jeez, there he is. That's deep. I saw Sarah Michelle Geller and what's her husband called? Freddie Pritchett Jr. Yeah. And they were looking old. Like retirement home old. No.

Yeah. I mean, they're still in love, still married, but I was like... What does that have to do with age? I was like, I was like, good on them. Good on them. Hollywood surviving the tumultuous... They've probably got no other options. Yeah. They probably got no other options.

Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast that is all about parenting. It is. The good, the bad. Yep. And the relatable. And if you've come for advice. Joke's on you.

Are you okay? I'm fine. Joke's on you. Joke's on you. Because we don't give it. Ash, I do, I have to ask you something. Wondering if we have just a bit of time up our sleeve for a quick little drink. You know, we do.

Quick little beer, if you will. What about a Byron Bay in a bottle? There he is. It's back, baby. There he is. Cheers. Hey, tada. Like a vacation to Byron Bay.

My next trip with the family. Really? Very close to Byron Bay. Tweed Coast. Tweed Coast, baby. Tweed brood. Do you know why I booked it? Why? So I can go closer to where this bad boy is made. I see. And my parents.

and go closer to where this bad boy is made. I see. And my parents. Hahaha. Inspired by Stone and Wood's home on the edge of the Pacific Ocean, they brew this golden, hazy Pacific Ale with all those Australian barley. And guess what they've got, Matt? Galaxy hops from Tassie.

That gives its big tropical fruit, aromas, flavors, and of course, its refreshing taste. Ash, that's why they call it Byron Bay in a bottle. Delicious. Yes. Ask for a refreshing Pacific Ale at your local bottle shop, pub or bar. And of course, I'd love to thank Stone and Wood for making this episode possible. Cheers, my friend.

Cheers, buddy. All right. What do you got for me? The sickness continues. I've been trying to avoid you. Actually. It's not me though. I've been, I'm just, maybe I'm a carrier pigeon.

I don't know. Mostly because I speak to you about four times during the day. And I actually have to apologize. The last few times you've called, I've been like, what is it? And you're like, I'm just driving. We're saying hello. And I'm like, if it's business, let's talk. If it's not, see you later.

You are so fucking rude. Well, you just, you call, I don't want to, I don't want to push you away. I just want to riff. I want to riff. That's what this podcast is for. Well, you just you call. I don't want to I don't want to push you away. I just want to riff. I want to riff. That's what this podcast is for. I know that you're giving all the riffing. There's certain things that I can't bring to the table here. This is an absolute safe place.

You can say anything here and not me, not a listener. No one is going to judge you. You're all going to regret that. You don't want to know. It's deep down. I've been pushing you away, but I only do that so we come closer together on the podcast. No, I don't like it. So sorry.

You stop it immediately. You have more illnesses. Yes. Afternoon Oscar did a little spew and I thought, fuck, that's weird. Food's meant to go in your mouth, not come out of it. Uh, no doctor, but that's not right. Do you know what it was? He took himself off to the toilet too, to spew up, which is beautiful.

Hey, credit to him. That's credit to him. But then April still yelled out to me like, like, I've got to come help. It's like, what am I going to help with? It's not a two man job. I know, and Mace is like, I want to stay here. And then again last night.

Wait, so where he spewed in the toilet? Yeah. Fine. Clean. Like a clean snap. Shout out. Didn't even where he spewed it in the toilet? Yeah. Fine. Clean. Like a clean snap. Shout out. Didn't even have to wipe his mouth. Shout out to Oscar.

That is great. Yeah. It was like, I don't know what he'd been. He'd been at Poppa's so he'd obviously fucking ate something. And then- What's Poppa giving him? Here we go. Like, oh, like, oh, but like, what did you eat at Poppa's?

He was like, nothing too bad. Just Lamingt's and cupcakes. How many? Four packets. Fuckin' stear it. A 1.25 litre bottle of Coke. A tub of ice cream. Four lollipops.

I reckon there's some red cordial in there somewhere, because it was a bit red. Anyway, he was fine. Let's hope so. It's not blood. No, it's a bit. It's not blood. No, it's actually fluorophore blood. And then he, he spewed up again about nine o'clock. A double spew. This one was in the bed.

It's his bed. So wrapped it up and then he went through onto the mattress. Did he yell at him for getting it on the sheets? Yeah. Made him wash him by hand this morning. Kidding, kidding, kidding. We kid. Child labor is not a joke. It's really funny though.

And then we were like, oh, we'll put him in our room. Like he's not going to my bed. He's going to start spilling up everywhere. So we'll try and put his mattress into our room. We'll put him outside. Yeah. Sorry. This is not a joke.

Sorry. Can you be serious for once? And then I was like, the mattress isn't going to fit in our room. Where'd you put them? You know, I think you've got one here, one of those fold out little couches. The foam couch. There's $15 ones from Kmart. Yeah. I just folded that out, put it on the floor next to it. It's like a full five centimeters of like, wimp foam.

I know. He slept right through to six o'clock. Didn't wake up. What? Yeah. Brilliant. I honestly made it super cozy. Because he was like, wake up, wake up, I'm in the bed.

The dog's up there too. You're the broom trying to get back. I know. Straight home. I was like, I'm super happy. The left-wrestlers are coming for me. I was nearly going to go sleep on the back. I was like, I was nearly going to go to sleep on the couch. I can't get sick. I can't cannot do it. But anyway, we're good with Dodger.

This morning he does what he was energetic doing Lego. He was great. I wonder what it was. He must've just eaten too much of something at Poppers House. I remember I drank too much red cordial at my nan's house once. And I spewed up everywhere. And then afterwards I was like, I'm back. How much red cordial is too much red cordial at my nan's house once and I spewed up everywhere. And then afterwards I was like, I'm back. How much red cordial is too much red cordial? None of your business.

That's me. How you going? Yeah, good. Thank you. Very well. Very well. Um, trying to figure out where I should start my stories from. Look, I'll, I'll, I'll tell you what just happened. What just happened. You won't tell me over the phone. So I might as well tell me here. Can you lose that attitude?

Not needed. Okay. Um, isn't it? You know what Marley said this morning? She's like, you and mommy don't love each other. And I was like, why, why would you say that? He's like, she goes, well, you argue a. And I was like, why, why would you say that? And he's like, she goes, well, you argue a lot. I was like, oh, she's onto us.

So last night I had to send a very awkward email. Ooh. And it was one that I'd been putting off for a while. You're kicking someone out of dance class, were you? On the same level. I think this is one of the most, as a parent, one of the hardest things you have to do. I sent an email last night that I've been putting off for at least two weeks and it was an email to break up with my daycare. Well, the same one Andrew Johns goes to.

Well, he's gone now. So that's why I'm leaving. He's gone. We're all going. It's a mutiny. So hang on. Why? I know Marley's going to B-school.

So Marley's heading off to Kinney next year. So Marley's wrapping up there. And we are still at the daycare that we used to be at when we lived over in Bronte. So just to- It's a long way. I'm going to justify this. It's about, I worked out the math, Ash, and it's about an hour return trip. It takes me.

So let me, yeah, no, it doesn't, it sounds like a lot. When I say it to Laura, she's like, you're an idiot. It doesn't take that long. And I'm like, it does. It's 15 minutes there, right? 15 minutes there. 30 minutes to get my coffee. It takes me about 20. I don't know how long it takes you. Couple of laps up and down Bondo Beach. Quick perv. It takes, did that once. It takes about 20 minutes to get him out of the car,

into daycare, do the drop off, back in the car. There's no parking. There's no parking. Oh, that's right. So you got to like park the car, you've got to walk. Sometimes you've got to do a couple loops to try and get a park. I just check the hazards on these days, bro. Just leave the car out. No, dude, they have, they know it's obviously to school and they have parking inspectors every second day. Every second day.

Give us a fucking break. Give us parents a break. They are there. Like, they make- The amount of Range Rovers getting fined in Bondi is unbelievable. So I, you gotta get a park. So then by the time I drive home 15 minutes, it's been essentially, it's been a day of being-

That's a day job. I have to park, I have to pack supplies in the car. I'm going to be going for at least, by the time I get home, I've got to pick the kids back up. Yeah. It's a long journey. It's a nightmare. So I've got them in a daycare that's down the road from where we currently live. And also it's where my sister takes her kids. So now we can share the drop off. I know who's going to be doing the drop off from the big house from here on out. My sister. Especially with how far is Marley's new school from this? Walking distance. Oh that's the dream. It's great. We're a similar conundrum at

the moment because we were in Worrywood, went to Tookindies at each end of the street. Right? Perfect. Now I'm like a 10 minute drive away. Yeah I saw you doing a drop off the other day I was like Ash? Oscar's like, how far is it? Well, even to the point last night, we were driving home and sometimes there's a bit of a late one yesterday, but Lola will fall asleep on the drive home. It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. So I've made the decision. It was a big, big call because I remember last time when we changed to that daycare, it was like the change of routine. Fuck, it was a nightmare. New people, new teachers. At least like she's going with, they're going with other family.

Yeah, with my niece and they're the same days as well. So it's just going to work out perfectly. But then I, so I sent the email last night, partly because my sister was like to Lola, Hey, you must be so excited. Like we're going to be up at the same daycare. And Lola was like, am I? Did you just start about ghosting them or just not turning up anymore? They still charge me.

They got my bank details. Yeah, but it's much better. It's much easier than the awkward email. I would rather pay the money to avoid the awkwardness. You know what's going to happen now? You're going to bump into someone from that school, like Tony works. They're like, I haven't seen you kid in a while. But I don't know.

Well, that was this morning, dude. Oh shit. I sent the email, the breakup works. They're like, I haven't seen you in a while. But I don't know. Well, that was this morning, dude. Oh, shit. I sent the email, the breakup email last night, being like, just confirming. Because Lola was also kind of telling other people. I was getting paranoid that she was telling everyone that she's wrapping up. And so then I was like, well, I've got to come in. You've got to come clean. And I've come clean.

And then this morning on Drop Off, the director, who is lovely, can I just say? You have to say that though. She's really nice. She was up in Lola's room. She was waiting for you. I was like, hey, how are you? And she's like, good. And I was like-

Got your email last time? Well, she didn't. And she was looking at me going, what are you doing? Why are you sweating profusely? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It's not you. It's me. And she didn't know what I was talking about. And then I just, I was like, we're not coming back.

Threw the bag down. I'm like, I can't do this. Just got in the car and drove off. Wait, how much notice do you have to give her? I've never quit a kindio, I think. Oh yeah, do you have to give her? I've never quit a kidney. I think. Oh yeah. I also went to one in DIY, but it was only a little.

Plenty of notice. We're not wrapping up until end of December, but it's weird because since Lola was like eight months, dude, she's now three. She's been gone now. She's gone. So why would you do that to your child? They've always spent more time with my child than I have. Are you more...

Yeah, they have. Are you more, yeah they have. Are you more upset from Lola or are you like, this kindergarten needs my business. No, they're doing fine. They're great. They got like the wait list is- What about those people that do family daycares? What's that? That's fucking weird.

What's that? We're like, oh, well one person takes 12 kids. Yeah. And then like they rotate, rotate. So if you've got like five close friends and five moms and dads or dads and dads or moms and moms are going to be inclusive. If that was me, I just put the TV on for the full day. I would.

Yeah. That'd be me. I have a big, I'd have a really big, you know, mouse wheels and I'd just be like, get in, get walking. Or I'd just get a group of treadmills and those like a stick that's attached to your head that has a snack on the end of it. And they'd be like, Ash, how was my son today? And you're like, oh yeah, great day. Yeah, great day. He's clocked up 15 K's. What's that? Nothing. Band-aid's been ripped off.

I do feel better, but it's emotional. It's emotional because it's such a big part of my life. I don't know if Lola's- You didn't go there? I feel like I've been going there every day. She's had the same teacher. Oh, really? Same teacher for like, you know, almost two and a half years. It's hard for me, dude.

Okay. All right. It's hard for me. Yeah, it must be. But it's the right thing to do. It is the right thing for you in terms of driving an hour there and back. Thank you. Also, while someone Lola, I don't know, Macy's still in nappies, isn't she? Yeah.

Oh, she's still like, she takes hers off, does a wee in the potty now. That's about it. So she's progressing. On her own terms. That does not surprise me. Was that a dig at my parenting? That was a dig at Macy. She does what she wants.

She does. She doesn't answer to anybody. I know. Lola is now at a stage. I can't even remember how we taught Marley to wipe her own bum. We still do like 90% of the wiping, but Lola's now like, I'll do it. It's like, this is my responsibility. I've got this. And she is terrible at wiping her own bum. She'll just, she just, what she does, Ash. And chicks shit heaps, eh? What? Baby girls. Like girls,

poop. Well, I've got a boy and a girl, so I know. It's cause Oscar doesn't eat. That's true. I won't allow him to eat. There is no... Macy is it, you know, you've seen Macy's fecal. Yeah. She shits once a month. It's like a fucking leg of a chair. It's fucking huge. The doctors listening to this right now are going, that's wrong. There is no science at all. Actually, can we look that up? So Jess, our producers, Jess said that women have slower bowel movements, so they poo less.

So there you go. And hence why they're bigger. You said, I don't want to get into this argument. I don't want to stoop to your level. Stoop on down, baby. Okay. Sorry. So long as I think her arms, they're too short for her. Like a T-Rex. For her. Yes.

You imagine a dinosaur trying to wipe its butt. It's kind of like Lola. She can't, she can't quite get like in there, like to wipe her bum. So what she does is she just gets heaps of toilet paper, right? Just gets shit loads of it. This is how Lola wipes her bum. She then just like wedges it between her cheeks. And then, so she's got like it hanging out a bum and then she

waits there for about 30 seconds. Then she's like, and then she pulls it out. Like it's absorbing it. And then puts it in the toilet. And if I come in and I go, can I just, can I just check? She's like, what for? I'm good. It's all on your back.

Yeah. And sometimes if I try and like take it out of her backside, whilst it's there for that 30 second period, she's like, what are you doing? Hasn't them just fully absorbed yet? And I'm trying to, I tried to explain to her, now you've got to, you got to wipe. Yeah, it doesn't. It's not like a paper towel. It's like you just soak your shit into it.

She's got paper towels and toilet paper completely mixed up. Easy mistake to make. But she can't. I'm trying to, I want to say to her, just wait till your arms grow a bit longer and then you can wipe your own bum. It's very difficult. I didn't have this problem with Marley. Yeah.

I don't know. Trying to think like, I think I just said to Oscar, if you don't wipe your bum and I've got to do it, then you've got to wipe my bum. I remember that line. Remember, worked. So now he's in, as far as I know, I don't even check anymore. Probably he's walking around out there, stinking like shit this morning. I have no idea.

I have no idea what's going on. He's still, he's doing well. But yeah, it's, I don't know. What do you do? Like, why, I suppose like. Well, whenever Lolo disappears, she doesn't tell us when she does a shit anymore. So we've got to now try and catch her before she comes out. Catch her in the act.

Yeah. She comes out, her hands smell like shit. She still, her hands smell like shit. She still, her backside smells like shit. And then there's normally just, there's just shit everywhere. Yeah. I'm not looking forward to Macy cause Macy, she just takes off to the, to the potty and then I like look down the hallway and she's sitting there and she's like, what are you

doing? So happy. So content. I know, but like not even, sometimes she'll just bring the potty out and put it in front of the TV and just sit down. Just love. It's not a seat mate. I've got a situation. I love that.

That I would love to run by you. It didn't happen to me. It happened to April. Shout out to April. April is my wife. Um, of how many years? Don't know. Uh, five.

No. Six. No. Seven. Yeah. Wow. Veteran Six. No. Seven. Yeah. Wow. Veteran. It's nearly finished.

Sorry, babe. That's a joke. Sorry, babe. Sorry, babe. That's a couple of jokes she hates that I use. And one of them is that, where it's like, yeah, marriage is only allowed to last like 10 years. Like it's a joke.

Your vasectomy one? The other one is where I'm a divorcee's dream because I've had a vasectomy. I mean, I can understand why she wouldn't like these jokes. I know, I know. Sorry, Bob. Uh, so this is April situation. So every Thursday and Friday, down at the local library, they do a thing called rhyme time.

Love rhyme time. I've mentioned it before. It's great. It's a free, it's a free initiative by the local council usually. On this particular day, April went to Rhyme Time with Macy. She can go on her own because that'd be weird. She went with, and Macy had a balloon with her. Oh.

Took the balloon with her. Anyway, they're at Rhyme Time and Macy's placed the balloon down and gone off to do rhyme time. They do coloring in. And in the time that Macy's gone, a little boy has seen the balloon come over and to inspect said balloon because he's now interested in the balloon. Kids love a balloon. They do love a balloon. April's thought, oh, he's playing with this balloon.

And the mom was there and like, she's like, yeah, that's fine. Macy's off doing her own thing. And runtime's wrapping up and the mum tries to get the balloon off the little boy. And April goes, April looks at Macy and Macy's still doing her own thing and goes, look, she's sort of forgotten it exists now. He can have that. He can have it. Yeah. So he can have the balloon. OK. Macy's not forgot it even existed.

And then no, that's. And then once we've April's made that call, right. Macy comes over and she was like, where's where's my balloon? The balloons, you know, and she's getting more and more agitated to where the balloon is. Where the fuck is my balloon? The mum of the other kid has pretended to ignore the cries of Macy and then beeline for the door with the kid and the balloon

so that her kid's not the one having the meltdown. Macy's having a meltdown and this woman beeline to the door and out and gone. I don't blame her. I don't blame her. So she has every right to do that. She's been given the balloon. She has been given the balloon. She's like, I don't want this yelling kid to ruin my rhyme time.

Billy, let's go. As an adult and you see a kid, especially a little girl, about to cry, starting to well up, if you will. I will. Then surely you'd be like, look, it's fine. Look, I know you try to do the right thing for my kid. No, she's just being respectful to the wishes of April, which was to get rid of the balloon.

Your sarcasm is killing me. Give us an honest opinion. I mean, I think it's, I don't know the exact wording of how April communicated the giving of the balloon. I do think, I think, I mean, did she say he can have a play with it? Or was she like, take this balloon and run?

No, I think it was like- He can have it. He's really interested in it. I don't want him to have it. She was thinking of the mum, but then the mum was not thinking. The mums weren't on the same page. No, no. She's gone.

But April said it was so obvious that she saw what was happening with Macy and quickly ushered her son out of there. So that it was him to not have the meltdown. Did April stop her? Did she say, Hey, give us back the balloon? April's like, I didn't know what to do. I honestly didn't know what to do. She had to comfort Macy while she had a huge meltdown in a library over this balloon. Oh God. Way to ruin rhyme time.

Totally. But I look, I think it's a bit- As the parent, you've got to like, there's so many times we've been at the park and there's been something that another kid's, you know, it's caught, caught eye of. And you're kind of like, I know it's all right. Like my one's occupied by the swing, but you know that like that balloon belongs to Macy. Oh, totally. I would never, I would have been like, but I don't know what I would have been like. You'd have to say to your kid. if the kid's right in front of you, this poor kid and he's holding the balloon.

We don't know how much that kid likes balloons though. Well, obviously you really like this one. A lot. It'd be like if I gave you Laura. I was, I was going to say it's kind of like a Power Ranger situation. There's only one pink Power Ranger, but there's a red Power Ranger and all the other boy Power Rangers situation. There's only one pink Power Ranger, but there's a

red Power Ranger and all the other boy Power Rangers that are different colors. This reminds me of a childhood story where it was like... The pink Power Ranger used to actually be a boy. But only it's like the red Power Ranger sang to the blue Power Ranger, you can date the pink Power Ranger now. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know. I don't know where Power Rangers go.

It just reminded me of a story. It was like when we were in preschool, when we played Power Rangers, there would be one girl that we really liked and she would be the pink Power Ranger and we would share her throughout the week. Not as nothing gross. No, I think, okay, look, if you're that parent who's walked out, who's ushered their child out as quickly as they could, that's bad. Come on.

They could have all rectified it together where it could have been like, hey, Macy, this little boy, is he okay to keep playing with your balloon? And she probably would have been like, yeah, because she's sweet like that. But not like, oh, fuck, let's get out of here. Quick, grab her by the collar. Run out the door. Literally. Yeah, yeah. I think Frank...

Don't have a burnout as she drove off. I think Frank was even there. Frank was there. And went after her. I think he went after her. No, he went after her. He... But he's got...

Fucking hell, we're talking. He's got a bad hip, so he didn't quite make it. Anyway, I just thought it'd be worth seeing what you think. Yeah. I think, well, did Macy, did she get another follow-up balloon or is she still balloonless? We got home and we had to blow up another balloon. I think haven't. Thank you, but she cried all the way home apparently.

Poor thing. Poor thing. It's a lot to go through. Also, it's a balloon. Get over it. Yeah, that's my, that's April's actually. That's shocking behavior. Shocking behavior by a fellow parent. And if she's listening.

Shame on you. Shame. Oh my god. Shame to you and your family and your child. I wish nothing but bad luck for you and your family forever. Also. I wonder how many balloons she's stolen. Get home and she's like, add it to the pile. It's on the news.

Very good. Hey, quick little update on the Renault. Quick little update on the Renault. And this is just, this is me offering advice to anyone else out there who may be embarking on a Renault themselves. Don't do it. It's an awful, awful experience. It's like running a marathon.

During it, you're like, this is fucking hell. Doing, okay, people doing Renault, it's a weird mix between telling people how fucking shit it is and with a subtle brag. Yeah. I'm an experienced renovator. I've done it before. I would never do it again. You're in the mix of it and I go, oh, it's a fucking nightmare.

Isn't it? You should see our bathroom though. Or you just be like, oh, it's fucking a nightmare though. But we got cabinets to go the way to the ceiling. There is like, there's such a hierarchy. It's like being parents. You know, when you speak to a parent who's got a child that's younger than yours and you're like, oh, I'm more dominant because I know more. Yeah.

It's like someone who's just starting their reno process where we're like kind of, you know, only two months in. But someone who's starting, I'm like, oh, like I remember when I was that naive and dumb. Let me explain to you. Yeah. You're like, fuck. Why would you, you know, like really test your relationship? But have you seen our kitchen bench time? Yeah. What color poly you got? So I made a mistake. I made a mistake, Ash. We're getting a new kitchen. Say it.

Must be nice. I'm in my fucking seventies kitchen at home. You're like, I'm getting another kitchen. No, we're not getting a new one. Another one. So we're renovating the kitchen with new cabinetry. And you, you stone. You can. Where's the stone from? Tell us, tell us where the stone is.

It's from the heartland of Greece. It's a fucking nightmare getting stone, but mine's from Greece. Oh well, I'll tell you this really quickly. Tell you this really quickly. There's one type of stone, okay, it's called Taj Mahal, right? And it's from Brazil. It's like the most common stone, right? And I was thinking to myself, I'm like, wow, imagine like,

the mines must be huge, right, in Brazil, to extract this type of stone that's sold all around the world. It's the most popular stone pretty much. The Taj Mahal. Beautiful stone. And I said to the sales rep, I was like, wow, I wonder like when do they know when to stop? Like, you know, because obviously at some point they're going to run out. And she goes, yeah, they have certain quotas on the mines. So, you know, once they reach that quota, the mine shuts down. And I was like, oh, that makes sense. And she goes, and they they have certain quotas on the mines. So, you know, once they reach that quota, the mine shuts down.

And I was like, oh, that makes sense. And she goes, and they let the stone regenerate. They kill all the people that mined it. But I was like, but I was like, regenerate. Like, grow? Pretty sure it takes thousands of years for stone to- Yeah, I'm not an archeologist, but- And me and Laura are both like, do we?

Uh, I don't think that's how it works, but we didn't want to be those people. We're not those people. That you've caught the salesman in a lie. I didn't want to, I didn't want to pull her up. Okay. So we bought it anyway. So, uh, Laura and I, we've known for ages how much stone we need. You can get the builder to get the stone for you, but then you've

got to pay the margin on top. So a cheaper way to do it is they tell you how much stone you need. You buy a slab, a couple of slabs, you go to the warehouse, you pick your stone, you save 15% markup. But you got to do all this running around. Right. But it's just one trip. Oh, it's just one trip.

One trip. That was a plan. And the 200 conversations you get to complain and brag to your friends about this piece of stone. So for weeks, Laura and I were like, because the warehouse we had to get the stone from, it's an hour away. And Laura was like, fuck, don't have time this week. We'll do it next week. Right next to what kindy is it?

There he is. Yeah. Good follow through joke. Thank you. Thank you. So finally on Friday, just gone, Laura and I were like, we're going to go, we're going to drive out to the warehouse. We know where we're going.

We know what we want. We know how many slabs. Let's lock it in. And also the builders like, I really need those slabs. She changed her mind. No, well, as we're driving out there, drop the kids off at Kendi. We're driving out there.

And I go to Laura. I'm like, hey, did you book in with the warehouse? Like, do you have to, and she goes, I didn't book in. Did you book in? I'm like, I didn't book in. So for some people again, who embark on a Renault journey, some, some of these places you need to book in. You can't just rock up.

We forgot to book in. We're 15 minutes away. We call them up and they're like, we're, we're packed back to back. Oh, so we can't fit you in. Can't imagine that argument in the car. Oh my God. Oh my God. And then the person was lovely. And they were like, look, if you're 15 minutes away, just come.

And if we have like a spare moment, we can quickly show you around. So Laura and I are like yelling at each other in the car. I know. That yelling is continuing as we like walk in and we didn't realize, like, cause it's a massive warehouse. Everything echoes. We opened the door and there's like a reception desk right there. And Lauren and I were like, well, you told me that you were going to book it in thingies.

Oh, fuck. And then they're like, welcome. They're like, they're probably so used to it. They're so used to it. So they're like, well, it's weird if you're not arguing. I know. Yeah. If you're not arguing about it then. Anyway, turns out Ash, turns out the stone that we want is no longer available. It's sold out.

And then they're regenerating it. And they are in the process of moving warehouses and they have another warehouse. It's interstate. They only do one trip interstate deliveries every three months. Oh my God. Oh, fucking kill me. Here it is. The subtle complain.

Kill me. The hint of bragging that I'm getting a stone for my house. Kill me. So we are mad. Anyway, it's a fucking nightmare, but it's a beautiful story. It's a beautiful story. It's a beautiful story. It's a beautiful story.

It's a beautiful story. It's a beautiful story. It's a beautiful story. It's a beautiful story. It's a beautiful story. It's a beautiful story. It's a beautiful story. Hint of bragging that I'm getting a stone for my house. Kill me. So we are mad. Anyway, it's a fucking nightmare, but it's a beautiful stone. But it's from... It's Italian. It's from the depths of Rome. You've got to see the marbling.

It's beautiful. Some say it was under the Vatican, directly below it. But it's a fucking nightmare. So. Very good. So you have to make sure you... Your pain is very enjoying to me. I know you're just sitting there fucking ejaculating over yourself.

Sorry. So we haven't yet got the stone. It's turning out to be a little bit of an issue, but don't worry, Ash. Be nice polished concrete. What's wrong with that? I would rather drink my own piss than have polished concrete. Oh, this is right. You're not going to have a kitchen benchtop, are you?

Anyway, that's enough about bragging about stone and marble. Why don't you get gold? Sold out. Let's do some- Lies. Let's do some lies. Let's do some lies. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Tell me, tell me lies, do me, do me lies. This is a bit of a strange concept. I tried to rope Oscar in on a lie.

Uh huh. Okay. That would benefit me and him. Yep. So recently took him, I went with another friend and his kid to a party. And he was like, I'm going to go with you. And he was like, I'm going to go with you. And he was like, I'm going to go with you.

And he was like, I'm going to go with you. And he was like, I'm going to go with you. And he was like, I'm going to go with you. And he was like, I'm going to go with you. And he was like, I'm going to go with you. And he was like, I'm going to go with you. And he was like, I'm going to go with you. And he was like, I'm going to go with you.

And he was like, I'm going to go with you. And he was like, I'm going to go with you. And he was like, I'm going to go with you. And he was like, I'm going to go with you. And he was like, I'm going to go with you. And he was like, I'm going to go with you. Okay. That would benefit me and him. Yep. So recently took him, I went with another friend and his kid to the last manly home game. Did you give him a beer? Did he get drunk? No.

Okay. Okay. Let's not assume that I'm just going to solicit underage drinking. Oscar is five. The other boy is five. Kids that are four and under are free. We're in the car and we both, me and the other parent, the responsible parent, we say to the kids, all right, kids, you are four.

Which is, it's hard because kids are very proud of their age. Yeah. Oscar's like, no, no, no, no, no. Me five. Me five. Me this many. I've worked long and hard to get to this age. Me five. Me five. Me this many. I've worked long and hard to get to this age. I'm not going backwards.

I was like, okay, well maybe if you want to see the football, you need to be four. But then once we're in the stadium, you're going to be six. And they're like, the both boys are like, yeah, fuck. Okay. Fair deal. What do you got there? Anyway, the whole time in line going through the gate, they're like, both boys are like, yeah, fuck. Okay. Fair deal. Anyway, the whole time in line going through the gate, they're like, we're four, we're four, we're four. We get in. Good plan.

We get in. They didn't even check. We get in. Oscar turns around and goes, I'm six. And just get running. It's my birthday. But yeah, he was very confused, but that's my life of the week. Also I will say to the staff working at, well, what's the manly oval?

The fortress. The fortress. Keep an eye on Ash. Smuggling in kids underage. I know. Just want to say. Bringing my mates. He's four.

He's four. Thank you. He's 34. He's my eldest. Ash, I've got one here from Zachy. Shout out to's four. Thank you. So he's 34. Anyway, he's my eldest. Ash, I've got one here from Zachy. Shout out to Zachy. Zachy. Hope you're well. This one is a bit, it's like a parenting hacky lie. It's a hacky lie.

It's a hacky from Zachy. There he is. Is Zachy a child? That's a child's name. No, well. Zachary, is it? No, Zachy, i.e. He says, the Bluey game, it's like $50 on PlayStation.

Okay. Very expensive. Get you on out. Come on, big guy. Get it out. One of the things that I enjoy most about this podcast is watching Ash try and hide as best as he can his yawns. Sorry.

It's not that it's boring. I know. I don't take offense to it at all. You should. It's just you can yawn. It's okay. It's a safe place. I don't know where it is anymore.

Okay. So he says the buoy game, it's 50 bucks on PlayStation. Very expensive. YouTube has the whole game, it's 50 bucks on PlayStation. Very expensive. YouTube has the whole game as a walkthrough video. So he puts it on. He gives the kids the PlayStation remote and they think they're playing the game in real life.

Happy kids, zero dollars. Genius. I do the same thing with Mario Kart. Do you? We don't even have a Nintendo. I do it with the- What do you give them as a controller? Just a PlayStation. One is a no. That one, but also when Oscar is playing a game on PlayStation here and there,

I give Macy a non-plugged in controller and just let her think she's playing too. Kids are dumb. I've got a quick one here. This one is from Sammy. Hey Sammy. Hey Sammy. How are you? Zacky Sammy. Sammy underscore Stephanie. I'm confused. Is this one or two people or do you have two first names? Can we trust her? Sammy's twins.

Maybe. I tell my daughter if she isn't good, kind or nice, she repeats a birthday. IE you'll turn five again. Can you settle down? That's exactly how I would say to Oscar. That's all I would say. You do that again. You'll turn five again. I think it's good.

I think it's great. Thank you, Sammy. I wonder he's afraid of everything, bro. Why don't you talk to him? Don't be like that. Maybe you're unaware of how scary you really are. Am I scary? I can see you over there trembling. So at times, at times. I just start slowing I go, if you keep doing that, then you'll turn five again.

The bell. This one is from. Anyway, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you gave two another video, turn five again. This one is from... Anyway, I love you. Brim... Brim Mangram. Definitely a fisherman. Brim Mangram. I've got this name wrong.

It's never been a good reader. From Adelaide on holidays to Queensland, our parents used to tell us that we would run out of Queensland dollars. Very good. Very good. Kids are stupid. Kids are very dumb. But also sometimes- That's why we love them so much.

Sometimes Marley's like, I want a horse. And I'm like- Where's your money? We can't afford that. She's like, I don't know, buy it. Can't we? We can't afford another horse. I've got too much stone.

What's with the stone we've been buying lately. Last we sell off all this stone we got from Egypt. Couple of questions my guy. Here's a question for you. Okay. This one was, it was on social media causing quite the stir. Quite the stir on social media Ash Wicks. Yes, I love that.

The question is, if you're on a flight, let's say it's domestic, could be international, as a parent, is it okay to change your baby's nappy on the tray table in front of you? The tray table? The tray table! People eat from that. Fuck no. Hell no! No way.

No, absolutely not. What about? What about? Okay. Just imagine this. It's a domestic flight. So there's only one toilet at the back of the plane. You're sitting towards the front.

There's just been a bit of drink service. It's a three hour flight. So people have all had a little nibble. They've got like a little drink. They all need a shit and piss. So there's a queue to get to the toilet and your child's just got a wee nappy. No shit. Change it on the seat.

Don't change it on there. Well, you can't because there's someone next to you. Well, you stand up off your seat. You put your kid onto your seat. You change them and then you put them back on your lap. There's not that much room in the seat though. I think surely, surely. Well, they're getting a wipe down.

The tray table is getting a wipe down between each flight. A little, a little change. Can it support the weight of a child? If it's a newborn. There's a lot of variables here. I don't mind it. I'm saying no, I'm saying absolutely not. And if you do, I'm pushing your baby off.

No, no. Get off there. Down the aisle. Yeah. No, I think the answer is no. I'm not offended by that. I'm not offended by that. I'm not offended by that. In fact, you did it.

No, I didn't do it. I didn't do it. What if it's a boy and then he just starts pissing again and it's pisses everywhere. I think it's just too many things can go wrong. Unhygienic. Okay. It's unhygienic. Okay.

Okay. I think, I think as a parent, just have free reign to do whatever you want. I don't think, no. I don't mind. It has to be some sort of order in some cases, like this one. Okay. That's just, I'm not standing for it. Fair. I won't have it.

What's your question? You know what you do? You call the attendant and make a big deal out of it. And then you go, I've got to go to the bathroom first. And then you can do a piss yourself. Boom. I would- Problem solved.

I would rather do it at the tray table rather than get like ushered to the front of the queue of the toilet. Ugh. Nah. Yeah, nah, you're wrong. Okay. Okay. Let's agree to disagree.

Your question. My question. What's a tip for a new girl, dad? They don't tell you. This guy has four boys and one girl on the way. Five kids? Wow. Pull it out, bro.

Pull it out. What is wrong with you? Firstly, having five kids. He loves sex. Loves practicing. Yeah. But also thanks for your question. Okay. One thing, I mean, I think kids are more the same, right?

You know, I look at Marley and Lola, they're very different. Marley loves dresses, princesses. Lola loves a soccer ball and like hating me. They're very different. So I think they have a similar interest. Hating you. That's the only thing they have in common. But most most brothers and sisters.

Was that necessary? Yeah, it was. Was that necessary? Sorry. I think if you got four kids, I am sure that he's got it absolutely dialed. I hope. The thing is with having four, there's always, like even when we're just having two, there's always one that's cranky with you or you're always stoushing with one.

Always. Imagine five of them. Nightmare. But I think the hardest part with my girls and something that I wish I was a lot better at is just doing their hair. You're pretty good though. Am I? Well, I can't, just put it this way.

I cannot do Macy's hair. At all by ponytail? She won't sit still for me. I can't do it. It just gets a mess. I get frustrated. Can you brush it? I am going to shave her head.

Can you brush her hair? Can you brush out? Why not? She won't let me. She won't do it. She's just... You're too rough. You need to be more gentle. Okay. Maybe I should get some lessons. So you reckon that the thing they don't tell you the most is how hard it is to do their hair, especially as it gets longer. It gets longer. And also so often the kids are like, can I have a braid? And I'm like, what does this look like? Just cut. How long have we got? I think there needs to be, there needs to be more lessons in school for young

men to learn how to do hair. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine the uproar from the boomers. They'll all be gay. I like, yeah, when Macy had hair like this, like a bob cut. A bob.

Sorry. Sorry. Bob. A bob cut. I apologize. It was so easy to go bang. She loved it. Now I'm like, there's too much hair. Anyway. But good luck. Good luck to you. I'm sure you'll be fine. You'll be right. If you've got four kids, you's too much hair. Anyway, but good luck. Good luck to you.

I'm sure you'll be fine. If you've got your four kids, you must have a dial either that or you work a lot of hours. Let's check my phone. Thanks for Chris. Just check. Go. Well, what are you checking your phone for?

Just saying if Chris Hemsworth sent me a message. Has he been in touch? You guys had a nice chat. No he hasn't. You guys were broing down, ever surfing? We were, we were and then these pesky kids interrupted because they want a photo. How are you feeling about that whole interaction? I was pretty nervous.

You know, he's quite a handsome big man. Thank you. Must, that must be how you feel, you know. Walking into a room with me. Yeah. Yeah, it was good. It was good. So for those who don't know what we're talking about,

Matt and I hosted a kids press conference for Transformers 1 by Paramount Pictures. And we got to meet Chris Hemsworth. Would it be nice, I'm not gonna lie, it would have been nice to have a little bit more time with Chris, like a lunch together or something, maybe a dinner, sleepover? Pillow fire. Jess wanted a bit more of him, if I'm being honest.

Totally agree. I think a lot of the listeners who are listening right now would also totally agree. I thought we were getting along really well. I thought we were. For anyone wondering when you do those press junkets, you got, you have like a couple of questions. They're all pre-approved. Yeah. And in the moment, we were having a great time.

And I was laughing, you're laughing, Chris is laughing. And then we got served with a couple of AVOs, and I'm not sure what. I'm confused. And then they're like, your time finishes now. Get out. And they're like, you look over and Chris is gone. Chris is no longer there.

Chris is like, get these fuckers out of here. And you're getting chicken winged out. Yeah. gone. Chris is no longer there. Get these fuckers out of here. And you're getting chicken winged out. Yeah. But it was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun. So it is a lot of fun, that movie. Ash and I saw it together. We did.

Cute. Go on to see it comes out during school hours. Perfect timing. Perfect timing. Well done, Chris. Yes. Call us if you're listening. Chris, call me back.

I didn't realize that I was, that person wrote a comment, Matt's me when I'm on my first date with my crush. Anything he said I was like, he was just like, April was like, it was so funny. And then you did the video about it where you just like, anyway, very good. Anyway. I can imagine. We can't all be as cool, calm and collected as you, Ash. I can imagine in your head, you would be kind of like, play cool, play cool, play cool. Also, before we actually started filming, you nearly walked your way on set twice before

they asked you to, remember? She was like, all right, come with me this way, but you must have heard her. Cause and then, cause she was talking like right next to me and you were like, okay. I saw Chris and I just, he was like a magnet. I was just drawn to him. And then she was like, no, no, no, around this way. I was stepping over cables. I was kicking over the camera guy.

I was like, Chris must get to him now. And then she dragged you back around the other side and you were like, now? And then I didn't. Anyway, the old handshake fist bump. I like. I didn't know if we were allowed to touch them or not. And then I was like. Turns out you're not. Anyway, we laugh.

We laugh. We laugh. We giggle. Of course, Chris. Let's get out of here. If you've enjoyed this episode or any episode from Two Doting Dads, for legal reasons, anything Anyway, we laugh. We laugh. We giggle. Of course, Chris. Let's get out of here. If you've enjoyed this episode or any episode from Two Doting Dads, for legal reasons, anything we said may not be used against us in court.

No. But you can send it to a friend. You can. You can. You can definitely do that. Same rules apply. And subscribe, review, leave a comment. Please leave a review. And if you have any lies, questions, any comments at all, DM us, email us, hello at twodollingdads.com.au or on Instagram.

Or the Facebook group. Join the Facebook group, join the chat, chuck your thoughts in there, comment on other people's misfortune. That's what I do. And yeah. You're really selling it. I know.

See you guys later. You're really selling it. Bye. See you guys later. Bye. It's Dewey Griffin. Oh, just do some vocal walks here if you don't mind. Sometimes I look at myself. Sunshine on a rainy day.

Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.