Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Bali Belly & The World's Biggest Nose Bleed

Episode Date: October 24, 2023

Ash is back and we're not sick any more - actually, that's a lie because Ash has a strong case of spitty bum post Bali. He shares his highs and lows from the trip, which includes trying to get 4 kids to sleep-over in the one room so the the Dads can keep hanging out and enduring long haul flights with toddlers. Matt's discovered the hardest part of parenting girls - having to do their hair in the morning. He also had an incident with Marlie where a midnight nose-picking session has caused the world's biggest nose bleed in his bed. To make matters worse, he was charge twice by the cleaners to remove the stains. We share your best Parenting Lies as well as have a crack at answering your listener questions: I have a 10-month old. When she wakes up in the morning, I do everything to prolong her morning sleep. If I bring her into our bed she babbles, hits, climbs all over us. What are your tips to keep your child in bed? Or is it a lost cause? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

My phone's been on airplane mode for two weeks. Actually, because you can get an eSIM now, like over there. It's like eight bucks. For what? What's it? For like two gigs. I'm just like over there. Oh, great.

You did not for the travel pass. Nah. They're fucking like five bucks a day. What's that? On where? Vodafone. Vodafail. Who are you with?

Yeah, Vodafone. Every time I do that, I get a fucking bill for like- When I went to Japan for four days, it's like five bucks a day. Beautiful. It was like a $200 bill. And they're like, yeah, it was $5 a day. But then to use any data, it's like $50 a second. So I just like, don't even fucking bother. I was like, this is a fucking joke.

What's the biggest phone bill you ever had? A couple hundred bucks. And I went to Japan. I racked up. It was like 500 bucks. Doing what? When I was I went to the Japan I racked up it was like 500 bucks when I was like doing what? when I was just like

fucking using the internet what were you doing just watching heaps of hentai porn? hey just trying to talk I was sending emails to my mum Welcome back to Two Yodeling Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash.

This is a podcast that is all about parenting. It's the good, the bad. And the relatable. And if you've come hoping for just a little sprinkling, maybe a peppering of advice, I'm sorry to say, we don't give a shit. That's a proper disclaimer as well,

because we did get that person who messaged us or commented us saying, like, you should be doing better as a Dad's Help podcast. Hang on a second. Oh, wait, is this the one about the disciplining or is this? We've had a few complaints. I don't know, but someone was like, if you're going to do a parenting help podcast, obviously this person doesn't listen because we just do this disclaimer.

You know who we are. But you know those people, I look to see if they're following us. And if they're not, then I'm like. This person was. Oh, okay. And I was like, we don't, we give that same disclaimer every episode where we're like, there's no actual. If you do get some tips great it's a

surprise nugget but we're not here to help you at all if anything we need you to help us yeah the ones that are struggling right now me in particular i thought it was going to be about that we had a couple of complaints regarding macy in the corner oh that was it i'm pretty sure yes yeah you're great that was it where it was like, look, it was a naughty corner. It wasn't like I was beating my child up. It was like she was like cute in the naughty corner. People were like traumatising. Someone did say before that episode, they're like,

do you guys ever get any complaints or, you know, people questioning your parenting style? And I was like, no, not really. Now we do. I do definitely. I get people in my DMs was like, no, not really. Now we do. I do definitely. I get people in my DMs being like, you should know better. How am I supposed to know better? This is my first time with two kids.

I'm first time doing it. Just like many people who are listening to this podcast. It's their first time doing it. So how do we know? Well, I think you're doing a great job. Thank you. And also, whatever you do, whatever parenting technique you grab hold of and run with, it's going to traumatize them one way or another.

If you are over nice to someone, they're going to think that the whole world is going to be over nice to them their whole lives. And a big fucking reality check when they're a bit older, then they're going to be traumatized. So there's no right or wrong way. But we will just take this opportunity to say that both of our children, well, all four of them currently- Alive.

Alive, happy, and healthy. Macy- She walked in. She was happy to see you. She was in good spirits. She did give me a very nice welcome. She was like waving that bottle around. Still yet to make any kind of verbal noise in front of me.

She's a mute. She's really vocal when she's like in swimming she's like like happy vocal and on that note i've just come back from bali matt i know man i can see the fucking tan on you you are glistening i didn't wear this watch you got the old g shock on bam that's what color i was when i left it's a tough question to answer, but I will throw it at you and say, how was your trip? Condense it into two weeks. Condense it into two words.

Condense two weeks into- A short sentence. Please. It was good. It was really good. I was really surprised with how the kids behaved themselves. It was really helpful to go meet up. I think there was like five couples or four couples

i think can sometimes be a nightmare when you've got that many people in the mix i'm not you guys are experienced at this but like was there any point where you thought this is too many people and everybody wants to do different things nah nah i think we're all really similar on the same page like what we wanted to do, which was hang out, let the kids play together in the kids' pool. Because you guys were at Nusa Dua in a resort? Yeah, yeah. So we're at the Grand Mirage.

There's like the Grand Mirage and then they've got like the Grand Mirage family. Don't be fooled. Don't stay at the family because that's fucking chaos over there because that's where all the kids go, all inclusive, that shit. We were in the other one, really nice, still heaps of kids there, but like nothing. We pretty much had a whole corner of this pool to ourselves for the seven days that we were there.

But everyone was very like-minded what you wanted to do. So like- What was your routine? I'll lay the routine down. Please. And then any variables I'll give you as well. There's always as well when you do group holiday, dad's trying to take the piss a little bit. I'm just going to say it. I'll get there. I'll give you as well. There's always as well when you do group holiday, dad's trying to take the piss a little bit.

I'm just going to say it. I'll get there. I'll get there. So, in the mornings, we would be like buffet, classic, ash, shirtless, walking around, buffet, eating a plate of noodles. Everyone hates it. I got told to put my shirt back on. Wait, you're shirtless to buffet?

Oh, yeah, man. I was like, this shirt's's gonna get ruined one way or another might as well not wear one but like they had I had the waiters a few times because you were in the

sir can you put a shirt on this is a fucking buffet I don't care was it like a dine-in like swim buffet yeah okay it was near the pool

so I could I could easily be like oh yeah yeah look it was just hot man shoes on so hot no shoes oh my gosh i'm a grub you it was so hot if i wore a shirt it'd be like a wet t-shirt competition i'd be like it was brutal what a sight to behold oh yeah look i got some looks i definitely got told to put my shirt back on a few times. Anyway, buffet. Sweaty at the buffet.

Straight to the pool. And then we would like all sit around the pool. They had like a shallow pool. It was like that. When you say like that, it's like half a meter for people who... I forget that this is not all visual. It was like half a meter and then it would lead into like the bigger pool. So, we like had this corner which was like a bit of both,

like a bit of, you know, adult pool, kids pool. But there was not a whole lot of kids there. There was maybe like a handful of kids and then our kids. It wasn't you guys weren't in the adults only? No, there was a separate adults section which I only went to one. I find the adult pools boring, man. No one's talking. They're just sitting around being like, I'm an adult.

I get it. I get it. Boring. I'm like a child. Okay. So, I need to be constantly entertained at all times. Yeah. So, then at 10 o'clock sharp, because the pool party didn't open until 11, but we were like, that's not good enough for us.

10 o'clock sharp. because the pool party didn't open until 11. But we were like, that's not good enough for us. 10 o'clock sharp, one of the boys would do a beer run to the servo across the street. We had a communal plastic bag because they sell the linen bags over there now. They don't have a plastic bag, which is very progressive. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. And I think it's great because you've got to buy them

because you know what Bali's like. It could be a bit of a fucking trash can sometimes. Tourists treat it like a trash can. It's our trash can, let a fucking trash can sometimes. Tourists treat it like a trash can. It's our trash can. Let's be honest, sometimes. But now they're not selling the plastic bags. They don't even have the plastic bags. So we were lucky we had a plastic bag because you could buy ice,

fill it up, cans of bintangs in there, buy the pool. And the Grand Mirage is fine with this? Yeah, they were like, sweet, here they are. Oh, my God, that shirtless guy's back in his pants. He's got 12 buckets of beers. Mind you, I had made all the boys wear jam pike with budgie smugglers. I noticed that. I noticed that.

Were they on board? Did it take much convincing? Yeah, they were all over it. We were just like, let's do that. So, 10 o'clock. They must have thought you're on like a bucks weekend or something. With our kids. Yeah.

Here comes the stripper, kid. And then, yeah, so 10 o'clock on the beers and then the pool bar would open color beers but then of course we got the kids and they have to have a nap so then we'd all go back for a nap even the dads back for a nap and then we'd all reconvene at the pool again for the afternoon sesh i'm imagining you just walking around and nothing but your budgies your bright pink ash's face like smothered all over it it was really funny because i ran into a really good friend of mine's parents that were there and i was like what are you what's going on here and i

rang my mate i'm like guess what i said what i said i'm currently in nusaduwa staring at the buffet staring at the back of your dad's head and And he was just like, what a small world, classic Bali. So I had a few spare pairs of budgie smokers on me. So I gave the old boys a couple of pairs of budgies as well. So then they're walking around the resort in my budgies. Who's this? Which old boys? My mate's dad and his friend.

You're like making sure that like if you arrive at the Grand Mirage, check in, get your key, get ash budgies. Yeah, literally. People were like well there was like all up there was what five of us two other random old dudes people must have been like walking into the pool area going like what cult have i walked into they're like what one of us one of us one of us but anyway so then we would reconvene again this is the routine reconvene again for the arbo session a the kids loving it right they're all

floating around some of them can swim some of them not but they're like you know then you would go the kids would be like let's go to the other end of the pool and then you would all drag the kids the other end of the pool turn around and come back it's great lovely it's beautiful afternoon and then you do the dinner thing and because you were so cooked you straight to sleep there's no like kicking on afterwards but as parents we made the trip more about us than the kids. So, we all got afternoon nannies because we're like, you know what? We're going to enjoy this. Yeah, you had-

It was more of a like parents booze cruise. Did every family have a nanny? Yeah. Because you had Adele. Adele, yeah. Who we used on our trip like 12 months ago. Yeah, who's external from the resort. We also had a friend of ours that they had their nanny,

which was external, but then the others that didn't organize one, you can get them at the resort as well for a couple of hours. How did Macy and Oscar go with the nanny? Because sometimes it's really hard because they're like- We did a full day all together so that we could get used to Adele. And she was great, man. She's lovely. In the pool, like swimming around with the kids. I was chatting to Oscar yesterday when we go to the shops he was like are

we going to see Adele that's so that's great and that's the dream that's what you want so that's good but it really turned into like a parents on tour situation and where we would be like drop them off at the kids club with the nanny off to a day club just the parents you know really living it up no kids no boundaries on money let's just get we're like let's get a day there every day was a different day i know i know it was great and but the funny thing is because it's like you've got a certain time you're like okay i got the kids are gonna we've got to get back do the routine routine, go to bed, and then maybe the dads or the mums could kick on or even like whatever. But because you've got this certain time, the waiter was just like back, forth, back, forth.

They would literally come and like take orders, bring the orders back. We'd be reordering because we were like, let's go. So two hours. Because does it work? I can't remember the name of it, but if you get a day bed, it costs like X amount of money. We killed that. So then you get that money as credit for drinks, right?

Is that? Yeah, yeah. So they were like, if you're going to be here, you need to hit the minimum spend before we can let you go, essentially. Yeah, so that's like, have you needed more encouragement to order drinks and smash them? Do you know who you're dealing with? I was like ordering a cocktail and a beer at the same time.

And just because it's like you got such a small amount of time. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The amount of steps at that waiter must have done. They had their phone on because we were just like back and forth. Like it was crazy. You were just churning through staff? Yeah, literally. So, the first day club we did was actually one of the girls' birthdays.

So the girls were like, we'll say, you stay here. We'll go back. We're hammered at this point. Like, let's get back. The guys will go back to the kids. Go collect the kids. Well, the kids were going to be in the hotel having dinner room service. And me and my mate were like, let's have,

let the kids have a little sleepover so we can keep drinking just hang out together so we get back and the kids have eaten like beautiful both nannies are still there pay the nannies off you go come on kids we're having a sleepover thinking it's an amazing idea it's never an amazing idea this point where i'm like 10 beers deep and about 10 cocktails deep. I was pretty sloppy. But I was like, let's go. We could do this. Anyway, we got the kids all in the pajamas. Let's go.

Macy and her cot. She was out like a light because she's the only one with a cot. But then we had three kids in the big bed. And then there's like a little living space. I've ordered room service for the boys to have dinner. Got a fridge full of beers. We can just sit here, watch a movie. What was your plan of attack with the kids? Just in the light off, close the door and service for the boys to have dinner. Got a fridge full of beers. We can just sit here, watch a movie. What was your plan of attack with the kids?

Just in the light off, close the door and hope for the best? No, because obviously like every kid's got their own thing. Like my kid, fine, right? I could go to Oscar. Go to sleep, mate. Even if don't go to sleep, just be quiet. Yeah. I'll put some sleep music on if you want.

You guys can watch your phone for a little bit. Then it's, we will bring like reasonable i feel like you're gonna shift the blame onto his kids oh yeah yeah no i won't i won't do that because that's it's more like that was a dumb idea anyway so these kids are just not as it's like nine o'clock pushing pushing mind you it's only one or two days in, so they haven't completely- Acclimatized to the time difference. So, 9 o'clock is like 11, 10, 12 o'clock our time. Oh, shit. So, these kids are awake. Anyway, April and the other mom-

They come home. They've come home. Like, we're like, look what we've done. The kids were quiet in the- And we're like, look what we've done. Like, this is great. They were like, filthy. Where are we going to sleep?

Did you not think where all we're going to sleep? Because the kids are all in the bed. What's the plan now? What's the plan now? But they've come in the door and the kids have all gone, mommy, and come running out. Anyway, me and my mate were sitting there and just getting an absolute dressing down for it and we were just like,

ugh. I'm sorry. Yeah, look, thankfully the kids slept and we all apologised and it was all okay. But, you know, it's not a holiday unless you have a Barney, right? So, like, you know, there's positives to going with people because there's constant entertainment and you're all agreeing on things but then there's also negatives where you come up with dumb ideas like that.

But when you tend beers deep and it's also – It's always a good idea when you tend – Yeah, and also the kids love it. The idea of a sleepover when you're there with them, it's a great idea. There was one point there where me and my mate both laid in the bed to try and encourage them to go to sleep. The kids would have gotten drunk from your fumes. I'm pretty sure we both nodded off.

Because we were like, when we sat, like, I was woken up by the doorbell because I had ordered a burger and a pizza. And I was like, and then didn't. My mate didn't move. And I've gotten up, gotten the pizza, sat down. Then he stumbles down and goes, did you nod off? I'm like, yeah, I'm pretty sure I nodded off. He's like, are the kids asleep? Noil comes home and oscar's just sitting there watching tv having a burger and fries yeah yeah it's 9 30 at night they came in where i'm one bite into my

burger and one bite into a slice of pizza watching super bad with a with a full beer and my mate sitting there as well same thing and they walk in they're like we're both like that little glance up at them they're like where are the kids i'm like they're fine they're asleep mommy they come running out uh so yeah positives and negatives but because you did mention before it's like when you're with a group of people and you're like don't want to do all the same thing if someone wanted to go off like they just went off and did their thing and if someone wants to go they'll go yeah it was good it was a good like we hang out with people all the time so it was a good mix of people lots of banter it's so handy all being at the one resort where yeah when you're in different

houses and villas that's when it's a bit tricky when it's like come meet here you gotta drive yeah yeah and that's what the second half because the second half of the trip was only with another couple with the same guy i got in trouble with. Classic. Old Mikey boy. Old Mikey boy. We did have our night out too, which we were like, yeah, we're going to be like 10 o'clock and we were rolling at like 2am, asleep in the back of a cab.

Anyway, that's a story for another time. Yeah, it's the logistics then where you're like, you come to our villa, you come to ours, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But no, it was all round really good. Macy's stuff like- Question. Yeah. Question. Yeah.

Because a friend of mine asked about Bali with his kids. He's got two little girls. And I think we haven't really done an all-inclusive resort in Bali. What do you reckon is better? The resort? The resort? Look, there's definitely things where you're like- Pros and cons.

So, the villa, way more spacious in your own space. Like talking, you get in a two-bedroom house. You can obviously then eat your breakfast with no shirt on, with no dishes whatsoever. I can eat my breakfast with no pants on. Yeah, which I'm sure you did. But the problem is no buffet. And the buffet is kind of like-

It's a dream, isn't it? It's just- Walking around with a big plate of food thinking, I could get another big plate of food. That's living. Yeah. Right? That is living.

Nothing beats it. I was eating Nazi and me goring for breakfast and then I would go and hit the pastries. I'd come back for a bit of bacon and eggs. Shit. And I'd go right around to the waffles. You were living a good life. I was living a good life.

But, yeah, look, the villa is great because you get your own space if you get like a group of four like a group of two villas next to each other and there's another family that your friends were there great because then you're not trying to like get to the other one and you know logistically let's get a bike you get a car and the car takes ages because of all the bikes so it's like yeah it's like but yeah overall really good. Hot. Fuck, it was hot. Bali is quite warm, isn't it? It was like red hot, red hot, red hot. Especially when you're drinking beers at 10 a.m. You must have a lot of piss to sweat out.

Yeah, I sent you that text message where I was like, I'm sitting on the toilet thinking this is where I'm going to die, a hot, sweaty mess with high blood pressure. Can we get a quick update on the hemorrhoids? Hemorrhoids good. They're fine. No issues over there? No.

Didn't flare up? No. But hemorrhoids hereditary? Because Oscar now has hemorrhoids. Does he? Yeah, but it's not bothering him. Oh, gosh, yeah. He does some massive shits that kid.

Runs in the family. Yeah. Anyway. So now you're on the full health kick. Not the full health kick. I'm on like, I just need to be better version of myself. No full waffles and pastries. Yeah, like I've had muesli today.

I had a surf this morning. Just, I was a lazy shit, but I was sick for three weeks. You look great. Thank you. Honestly, you do. I'm glowing. Honestly, you are glowing. I'm glowing like a pregnant lady.

Yeah. It's nice to see you look this way. I know. And you seem really happy. I'm happy all the time, man. Look, I want to be a pregnant lady. Yeah, it's nice to see you look this way. I know, yeah. And you seem really happy. I'm happy all the time, man. Look, I want to be a happier person. I've never seen you smile so much in a report. You talking about-

No, just happy to see you. 10 a.m. beers in the pool. Oh, great. It's lovely. But like I was saying, like, sorry, let's just get back to one more thing I just need to add. This is a parenting podcast, so I will need to talk about the kids at some point, really. Overall, really, really good. But the heat gets to us in different ways macy's quite fair so she she's almost translucent she she yeah you're right she's she's nearly see-through yeah she glows in the dark but she you know she doesn't really deal with the heat like Oscar does,

who's essentially Balinese right now. Like he's got a tan line where his budgies were and it's like literally like black and white. So she was like just really just in a nappy all the time because it was too hot for her in the clothes. But the problem is with in a nappy, she's just thought it was really, really funny to start taking it off wherever, which is like not a big deal. How old is again she'll be two in two weeks so however old that is she's almost at the

cusp of being potty trained no no no we'll go later okay i don't need that again i don't need that smoke but she's just like taking it off uh which is fine because you can just put it back on. But the problem is she takes it off and I don't know or I'm doing something else. And then she'll wee without it on. And she did this a few times where she wees and it happens in like perfect like schedule. She'll wee. I don't know if she'll wee, but then she'll go. And then she'll probably try to move.

Bang. Slip over. She's fallen down. So in all these different places in Bali, she's wee'd herself, freaked out, and then going. Or she even does the. Have you seen that video of the ice skater who's just like continuously falling? And he's like- There's something about Todd LaVie which is just more slippery.

It's very lubricant. It's got like a hint of oil in it or something. I know, it's just like- Boom. She falls down. But that was one thing I did notice about the trip. I thought it was humorous. At least she's not shitting everywhere.

No, one of the other kids apparently. One of the other kids just like backed one out in the hotel room. It's kind of like anything goes on holidays really. But like I was shocked with how behaved the kids were. So I give them that. And how are they now? Acclimatized to the three-hour difference? No.

You're one night in. Two night. That was the second night last night. Macy, chaos last night. She's usually so good. You put her down. You don't hear a peep. She might be like, mommy, daddy.

And then she'll like fall asleep. Scream. And like I never never she was angry she was like a bit of venom in the screen i was like shit and then she just tied herself out and she gave up but this is the time difference but oscar was because they share a room oscar was like shut up anyway i'm back i'm back to rescue this podcast well rescue is look we are that's a long shot that's a long it was reaching it was nice to have a little break and then for me and then distance grows the heart fonder or some shit we have that's not right we're not good at distance makes the heart grow fonder makes the heart grow fonder that is true yeah it's not

it's until something is gone that you don't know that's not right anyway it's good oh wait that's like hey man not much has been happening you don't know what you got till it's gone that's we don't need more songs in this i remember i was like sitting at a bar like the sports bar across the road from the hotel and that song came on and i was like just shed a tear you don't know what you got to this anyway is that when you call me i called you to tell you about my discolored semen yeah anyway that's a story for another time as well okay okay we'll save that for next week not a lot's been happening in my world laura's still on the live show tour going yeah i've seen i've seen some footage it's going quite well yeah it's we're in the home stretch now i sent you that photo of everyone it was like spot the bloke honestly there's probably in a room of like

1500 people there's about 20 guys and and there's even, they had a select number of tickets where you can pay a little bit more, like you sit front row and you also then get a meet and greet as well with Laura and Britt before the show starts. And so maybe like 20 people. And, you know, I have a quick chat to those people as well when they're lining up for a photo with Laura and Britt and there'll always be one or two husbands or boyfriends

who will come along for the ride. How are mate you just change your whole time it's like ladies are you ready to meet Laura and Britt good day mate how you going watched cricket last night do you watch the big match last night which one or the big fixture I commend those guys for coming along because you know there are some women that come by themselves because they love it that much and you know the partner's looking after the kids and i think good on the guys for coming to something where like they're not going to be into the content of the live show yeah a lot of the time you never know though i mean it could be their like thing where they're like we sit down we listen to laura no it's even like there's a couple of segments where everyone's laughing and i'll like look across i'll

just see like arms crossed across he's like can we fucking go home now yeah bless bless the men things that we'll do for sex yeah believable exactly he are those guys getting a fucking blow jay when they get absolutely and there are there are some guys that are genuinely really into the podcast yeah yeah but like i would say majority of them are being dragged there against their will it's just like you're coming with me i'm looking forward to it being over i think we got three left by the time this comes out we'll be on two remaining we're in the gold coast are you going to the gold not going to the goldie i'm giving Goldie a miss. Oh, that's the best one. Is it? No. No.

I'll go to Canberra. We'll take the girls. We're going to- When's Canberra? We're going to Canberra next week. Can I come? You can come if you want. We've got a-

There may be room. We've got a 12-seater. We're driving down. What day? On a Monday. Give me a look at this, actually, because I really want to come. Monday, yeah. Monday next week.

Are you staying the night? We're staying in Canberra. One night, yeah. Oh, but if really want to come. Monday, yeah. Monday next week. Are you staying the night? We're staying in Canberra. One night, yeah. Oh, but if you want to come, let me speak to Laura. Well, I could come like I would like to. Okay. Leave it with me. Stay tuned.

Two things that have happened because I've had the girls quite a bit. One thing that I'd like to talk about, Ash, is I think this is mainly just a guy thing, looking after girls the hardest part for me as a parent is doing their hair yeah it's like i used to do like a stock standard ponytail this may come as a surprise but i'm shit with long hair yeah my expertise is limited purely just to me i'm doing the top knot the ponytail the back no i the top knot, the ponytail, the back. I can't even do the one at the back. Dude, Marley's like, I want braids.

I want Elsa braids. They're just asking for too much now. Well, I've gotten better. They're asking for too much. I've gotten better. I'm getting every day I practice now. And I think- Only a true doting dad would do that.

My plaits are getting just a little bit better. They're still quite shit, but. Like a homeless pony. Yeah, it's like a mutt of a pony. A donkey. This is the best one I've done so far. Okay, yeah, lay it on me. Marley was like.

This is shit. I was like, what do you think? And she's like, I can take it out. Stop pulling my hair. And we left it in. I think it's pretty good. What's with the droopiness of it is that look it's hard to get the plait tight to the scalp it's not bad bro look it's a loose start i'm impressed that gets good at first glance funny second glance you've done a good you've done a good so hard. Plats are so tricky and her hair is so thin and fibrous that it's just- Just be like, hey, Marley, how about this time we shave your head?

But daycare, I send her to daycare like that. Yeah, they fix it up immediately. They do. I pick her up and it's like a beautiful Elsa braid too. Yeah, she's like, oh, that chick off the green shirt, it's like braided and pointing up. Yeah, she's like that chick off the green shirt that's like braided and then pointing up. Hello. And in the mornings I'm like, who wants their hair done again?

Come here, girls. They're like, ah! So I'm getting better at that. I thought that was pretty good. Well, I thought if there's one thing I need to do is I need to do more of it and I'll get better at it. The other thing that's happened. Yep.

Issue is Marley picks a nose, loves it. Oh, man, Oscar's the same she picks it she eats it and i keep saying like yuck dude yeah dude marley will be she'll like eat it in front of me and be like what are you gonna fucking do like stop that's so disgusting anyway she also when she sleeps she sucks her thumb and she picks her nose at the same time i thought she rubbed her nose well she she picks it so she gets a bit of oh like you know jaws on it and then she rubs rubs on the tip of her nose rubs it's free weird that's that's how she calms herself she gets woken up and i have to put it back in like change the position in bed and i'll just like you suck your thumb and she just then starts rubbing her nose it's so weird dude yeah anyway i woke up wake up one morning because she always

comes to my side when she wakes up in the middle of the night so she comes into the room she's coming to bed and i've woken up and i'm like oh you know when you're half asleep still and i'm like what the fuck is that weird like wet stuff She's picked her nose so much. It's bled like nothing else. There is the biggest blood patch. And also, I didn't have the fucking mattress protector on there either. On her bed? Well, she came to my bed.

So, it's in our bed. Like, the queen. Big red. So, then I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm going to have to deal with this. Take the kids to daycare. Come back. It's like a murder scene.

Literally, dude. Literally. It's also, it's like in a position where it could almost be like period blood as well. Like dick blood. Yeah. So I call this guy. Could be hemorrhoid blood. No.

No, that shit. Call this guy. Come in. He's like a steam cleaner. That's what we've done. Wait a minute. Are these off the bed, not the sheets? So it's gone through the sheets onto the bed.

I was like, just get new sheets, dude. But then you just remember that, yeah. It's soaked into the mattress. And the mattress that we've got is only about two years old. It's a really great mattress. So, you know, I'm going to try and salvage the mattress. Do you want to plug the brand? I don't even know.

I think I got it from Snooze. It's great. It's great. Orthopedic. Greg, okay. Beautiful. Love that. Anyway.

For you. I think we booked it on this website where it's like a third-party website where you just like you book them in. They clean up murder scenes. $150. Crime scene cleaners. He rocks up. And I was like $150.

You're like, I used to be be the bachelor no one died here daily mail turn up they're like i think i got ripped off oh okay quite heavily so he's rocked up and i'm thinking 150 bucks it's not cheap you know but like hopefully he does a good job also a few times back in the day marley had gastro so there's a couple of like weird stains on the mattress so i'm like you know what he'll clean the whole thing he comes up and he looks at the mattress and he's looking at the big stain of blood plus a bit of dried gastro from back in the day and he's like oh mate this is a big job oh he's got you with the big job comment. This is going to require quite a bit of work to get this all out.

So he's like, it's not going to be cheap. And I was like, fuck, what's it going to cost? And he's like, I'll do it for $350. Get out. And I was like, $350? Get out of my house right now. How did the price go up? Because he was like, I need to use more chemicals and it's going to take me longer. And I was like-

You can just hire that thing yourself, bro. When the fuck do I have time to go and hire one of those machines? Big, busy man over here. Do it at night. Don't tell me you'd fucking hire that yourself. You would never. I'd just cover it up. Newspaper.

You just flip the mattress and you're like, that's fine. That's a great idea. It's got a mattress topper or it's like can't flip i can't flip that's where they get then as well that's where these mattress companies get yeah i was like 300 bucks and i like let's call it 300 he goes deal i'm like fine and then he's like but listen don't tell anyone that it costs 300 bucks if anyone anyone asks, it was 150 still. And I was like, oh, my God. Get out of my house. I had to pay him 150 and then 150 to the company.

And I was like, but I was just, I wanted it clean. I was like, I'll do whatever it takes. You have been absolutely taken for a ride, mate. That absolute stitch up. That was like the guy who- The delivery guy. The delivery guy who was like, I thought this was the ground floor. For anyone wondering, I got a bit of furniture delivered.

Yeah. There was one set of stairs and he said, the delivery instructions said it was ground floor. One set of stairs. He was like, give me cash and I'll deliver it up the stairs. So, that guy- Do people look at me? Do I'll deliver it up the stairs. So that guy- Do people look at me? Do you know who's most upset about this? That guy.

Because you didn't pay him. I said no to him. I paid this other guy. And then you paid this other guy who just flat out said to you- It's good to know. Don't- You should ring the company and go- I was going to.

I was going to, but I promised him I wouldn't. Don't be a snitch. I wasn't, yeah. Don't be a snitch. No, he was like- He literally like eight times, he was like, don't be a snitch i wasn't yeah don't be a snitch no he was like he literally like eight times he was like don't tell anyone and i won't tell anyone about the big pool of blood but hey it's good to know that if i do ever murder someone this guy's gonna do it cash only it's a big job do you know what actually i just want to go back to the mattress topper

thing yeah mattress companies have worked it out this is where my brain goes okay they never used to have the mattress topper so you should be able to flip your mattress it would last longer now they put a mattress topper on it motherfuckers now you've got to replace that bad boy all the time i know so now i'm sleeping in dry blood and can i also you know what mattress companies if you're listening put a topper on both sides also he fucking didn't get the blood out it was clean and then it's like soaked back up. There's so much blood in there. So, I'm like, fuck me. Oh, my God.

Stop picking your nose. So, there's still blood in there. Bring him back up and go, bro, I promise not to tell people that you charged me this much. I don't want that criminal back in my house. He's probably thinking, I don't want to be back in that criminal's house. Let's go into our favorite segment, which is back this week, which is... All right, you've got some lies for me, Ash. I do.

I've got two lies for you off the back of the holiday that I had that I used. One effective, one I've been caught out on. Hit me. First one, flew with Jetstar. Actually, it wasn't too bad. That's the first person I've heard post Jetstar flight. A Jetstar story that I probably could have told you on this episode, but I'll save it. I'll save it for next time we have a flight

and I've got a bad flight story. But anyway, I did- It's not the story where I stole that person's iPad. That's a different story. What's that? F12. Go back to F12 where I was the most spiteful moment of my life and I enjoyed it so much.

Anyway, so one line- So Jetstar do this announcement after they do- So the safety thing and they do the blowing the whistle. Yeah. Exit's here. Exit's here. They go, if you see any unacceptable behavior, please report it to one of the staff or one of the crew. And I was like, did you hear that to Oscar?

And he was like. No, what happened? What? I was like, they just said if I see any unacceptable behavior, I have to report you to the crew. And I was like, do you know what they do? They throw you off. No.

And he was just like- Holy shit. He was just like, no. So that one worked really well before he forgot. Then he just was like, but he was actually really well behaved. Maybe because he was terrified for his life. Hey, whatever gets the job done. Whatever works, man.

I was like, it was funny because- I really hope that person who complained about us disciplining, putting Macy in the corner is not listening to this ad. They'll be like flipping out right now. Don't worry about it, man. Don't worry about it. Don't tell me how to parent, man. Don't come at me with any feedback because I'm not listening.

Sometimes you need to instill the fear of death for your child to behave. The only thing that works. The best thing about it was I was like, I had my head on the seat in front like that because I was thinking to myself, how am I going to get through this six-hour flight with these fucking kids? And then they went, any unacceptable behavior? And I went, this is an opportunity for me to lie to my children.

Anyway, kids, you're getting thrown off the plane. I love it. And it's high. What's your second one? Anyway, so that leads into immigration. You know, when you come back into Sydney, the immigration. Look, we're very strict. Great.

Love that. Whatever. Also. No poultry, no meat, no plants, no dirt. No, that's not immigration. That's customs. It's very different. But I'm going to call you up and say you have to declare.

Yeah, you have to declare. But like immigration is to come back into the country. Then you go to that next exit where they look at that and they go, you've got nothing to declare. So I have been on an overseas trip. I've been here looking after my quarters. So I guess I'm a bit out of the loop when it comes to- Also, when you go through that customs thing and they're like,

there's all these different lanes and there's one lane, lane eight. In Sydney, you're like, give me lane eight. Give me lane eight because that's just exit no you can't get lane eight because you've got kids no no they were like lane eight i was like see you bitch april's got a suitcase full of food uh anyway so we're in immigration which is where you go they check your passport where you've been stamp yeah look i am familiar with how immigration works just checking we're in line and it was like what 9 30 at night kids have been on the airplane all day yeah it's a nightmare so anyway they're a bit raggedy bit ratty ready to just go home they haven't slept and there's all those security looking guys walking around and i was all those security-looking guys walking around. And I was like to Oscar, I'm like, if they see you misbehaving,

they won't let you back into the country. And he's like, what do you mean? I said, me, mummy, and Macy get to go home, and you have to stay here. And, like, when you're looking down, you know, where there's the two counters and there's the alleyway, and then there's the security guard, immigration guy at the end. And I'm like, see that guy? You don't want to go to that guy. And the guy was like guy was like good he's in on it he was in on it he's like

i've seen this before and i was like see that guy down there you'll stay here and he's like no just so tired too and like just like i was like might have backfired a little bit oscar is going to be petrified of fucking flying he's like i don't want to go on the plane because I'll get thrown off. I don't want to get through immigration because they won't let me back in. I know, I know. And then where it backfired is- See the luggage conveyor belt? If you're naughty, you get thrown on that, but back on the plane.

Back on the plane, back to Bali. I know that's right. He had a- I gave him something to just play with, which is like the visa slip from Indonesia where they give you that visa. And he's like, what's this? I'm like, it's an Indonesian visa, so it's still valid, so they'll send you back.

But then where it backfired for me is that Macy got loose in the immigration line, which is not good because you're in, you're belted off and she's small. She's taken off under the belt. Yes. She's gone. And April has taken off after that and she's got a backpack on. And you know those belts, they're like seatbelts,

gets caught on the backpack. She's taken the seatbelt with her at 9 o'clock at night. She's gone through immigration. The seatbelt snapped back and hit some old lady and she's gone like this. Anyway. I thought you were going to say the security guard. Does he come in? No, no.

So Macy's ran through the thing and April was just legging it after her with, you know, like leaving a trail of destruction behind her. There's people like, what the fuck's going on? And she comes back. Everything's calmed down. We've got through immigration. And Oscar was like, how come Maisie was allowed back in?

I was like, damn it. Anyway, they're my two lives for this week. Okay. I reckon we're going to do one question. I love the ones where you just come up on the spot and you're like, this is the best opportunity for me to lie to my kids. Anyway, let's do some questions. Let's do one.

Let's do one question. We do one. Oh, yeah. We've been gas bagging for too long. I'm just moneying around here. I've got to get to my kids. Anyway, let's do some questions. Let's do one. Let's do one question. We do one. Oh, yeah. We've been gas bagging for too long. Time is money around here. I've got to get back to work. This is from Sam. Has written in on Two Dirty Dads.

And he says, I have a 10-month-old. When she wakes up in the morning, I do everything to prolong her staying asleep. If I bring her into our bed, she babbles, she hits, she climbs all over us. What are your tips for keeping your children asleep in the morning for longer or is it a lost cause 10 months is a bit of a lost cause it is if they're breastfeeding you can always try the boob whack them on the

boob and they'll go back to sleep like a lot of the time you put them in a bed like they're saying they think it's a fucking game depending on what they're like in terms of like sleep schedule i guess or how they sleep routine right so you can try and repeat the routine like they're like oh but sometimes dude like 10 months up there's nothing you can do yeah well even now with lola she's like two and a half and if she wakes up she wakes up around in the window between like 4.30 onwards. I know I'm fucked. I know it's a nightmare. The chances of her going back to sleep are like next to like they're slim.

If we bring her into our bed, she's like, what's up? This is a big go. Everybody up. Yeah, she wants to party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only thing I sometimes do and I shouldn't do it because we've like weaned her off the bottle and bottle is like crack for her but sometimes if i'm really struggling if i had a late night i'll give her

some milk some warm milk and i hope that that knocks her out yeah i know rarely works rarely works look i wish sam i wish i had the right answer but but I don't. Firstly, you're asking the wrong people. Firstly, maybe. Let's just- Seek professional help. No, look, from experience, 10 months, you're like, you're up and at them, big boy. Yeah. Suck it up.

I'm just going to- And wait for the next nap. Laura and I will take it in turns. Like, she has the kids one morning, I have the kids another morning. The only thing that we sometimes also do which is a bad habit because if we're really battling we will just give lola our phone with youtube kids on yeah well look that's my kids have got youtube kids as soon as they wake up. But then the issue with that, Ash, is that sometimes she'll wake up and she knows that she can almost taste the YouTube kids.

So sometimes she'll wake up at 4 o'clock and she's like, YouTube kids, put it on. Bring that shit in here. Just ringing a bell. Literally. It's a double-edged sword, right? Yeah, but even if I don't, like our kids jump on the phone with their milk or whatever in the morning, every morning.

So like whether I'm going back to sleep or not, it buys us an hour to do shit if they do wake up a little bit earlier. So I'm not against it. I like it. What time do your kids wake up? At the moment, they're on Bali time, so like midday. Usually like six o'clock yeah what time you put into bed seven okay yeah good i feel like yeah that's like the standard hours standard that's

pretty standard kid kid hours sometimes it doesn't always work you put them down at eight and you're like they'll sleep until seven oh it never happens never happen i wake up at four yeah suck shit motherfucker yeah it's like we're up everybody all right uh that's it that's it hey if you've enjoyed this episode we would love it if we haven't had that many reviews lately and that breaks my heart i like the one that we got there was one star and all the words was no i'm always like that's fine thanks i guess i'll take anything but uh we would love a review. Ideally, five stars.

Share this episode with any other parents out there. Anyone else who just needs a little giggle. Maybe someone who may be going to Bali on holiday. Need some travel advice. Need some travel advice from Ash. Or they want to take me back with them. And I'll be your nanny. If you would trust me with your children.

Until then, we will speak to you next week. No, actually, I lie because we have a bonus episode with Anthony Field. Anthony Blue Wiggle. Yeah, I was like, who the fuck is Anthony Field? Anthony Wiggle. Isn't his last name Legally Wiggle? We'll have to see to that.

Anthony Field Wiggle. I'll pick up the forms, necessary forms, on the way to that interview so we can get that changed. I think next week, potentially. Yeah. Who knows? Before the end of the month, if you know. Correct.

Correct. So that's coming up. But until then, we'll speak to you next time. And goodbye. Goodbye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout australia and their connections to land sea and community we pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all aboriginal and torres strait islander peoples today this episode was recorded on gadigal land