Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Bush-wee tips and the most painful Sunday imaginable

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

Matt gives an update on his week without Laura (she's been working in Bali). Highlights include stealing his mum who was in town to help his sister move house, finally figuring out how to hold his daughters when they bush-wee and not interrupting his kids when they slept on the floor. What a doting dad! Ash had a dads weekend down the coast with the partners from his mother's group. Plans to enjoy fishing, jetskiing and the beach were soon replaced with a day session at the pub. Only issue is that the pub was 21km from their house, no taxis and everyone had a belly full of beer. It's a miracle they all returned home in one piece. We also share your best Parenting Lies and have a crack at answering your parenting questions: Do you have any tips for vasectomy recovery? Hubby is getting the snip in two days? What are some signs that a man will be a good dad? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I see right now these husky voices. I did say before you left, before you left, I said, are you going to have a big weekend? And you said no. It's not. This is from last week. Fuck off it is. The carryover. You know, Pete at the cafe, he said, I bet you Ash doesn't remember this.

He FaceTimed me on Saturday night. Do you remember? Not at all. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. Gosh, that is... So bad. That is fucked. Are we going to make it through this episode? Yeah, look, I'm goingdy J and I'm Ash. Gosh that is so bad. That is fucked. Are we gonna make it through this episode? Yeah look I'm gonna power through. Fuck it. This is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the bad and the relatable. And if you have come here wanting an inch, a millimeter of advice. Zero will be given. There is none here. We'll find out.

I always say that and then we've- No, shut up, Ash. There's none at all. And if you've come wanting to speak or wanting to hear someone who's extremely unwell- You found him. What was I doing? I was doing that voice before. It was like-

Here you go. You want to get a taste of it? Anyway, that's the exact word. What the fuck are you talking about? Damn, son. That one. What? Are we not saying that?

What? He's like, damn, son. Damn, boy. Anyway, I'll show you later. Don't worry. Move on. Move on. How are you, Matthew?

Yeah, I'm good. How actually? Look, I'm going to give you a bit of praise. You just did a whole week solo parent, which is great. I did. Big week. I mean, am I a great dad? Like, I'm just doing what has to be done, Ash.

Yes, I understand. I don't do it for the praise. Yeah. I do it because I have to. That makes it a little bit better. If people want to give me a pat on the back, hey. That was good. I was very impressed.

I'm not going to stop them. You juggled that and everything else. But I just wanted to give you a little congratulations. It means a lot to hear it from you. Thank you. Anyway, but how was that week? It was, I got really lucky. I got really lucky because I was going into that week ready to do it absolutely on my own, you know,

with a little bit of help here and there from my sister. I forgot your mum came. I forgot that your mum was here. I wasn't setting you up. I legitimately forgot. I swear. Like I did a couple of videos about the fact that like laura's gone my mom steps in and a few people were like that's pretty shit like you shouldn't rely on your mom

also it's a fucking joke it's yeah i'm joking my mom it was my mom's idea she wanted to do the video it was she loves it she's all for it but timing wise it worked out perfectly because my sister was moving house and she wanted some help so my mom was coming down to help my sister happened to be the exact same week that laura was away coincidence so it worked out well and i had mom in the mornings and the evenings and then during the day she would help my sister and like you know parenting on your own with two kids or more i reckon the hardest times are like the morning routine like breakfast getting ready for daycare getting out of the house getting out of the house dude and

then evenings is hard because you're tired as well and like we had nights where the kids were fucking great like we got home like i gave them their pasta ate the whole thing they're like can we have a treat like here's a chocolate then i'm like just vibing and i'm like who's ready for a bath and like we are daddy in the bath oh like one time lola was like i'm pretty tired dad i might just go to bed beautiful this is the fucking dream and then we had nights where it was just everything's a fucking chore it was painful i don't know if your kids do this. They probably do, but go.

But if Lola gets like a tiny little scratch on her somewhere, it's like her leg is hanging on by a thread. I know. Oscar's the same. He's like, I need a Band-Aid. Like immediately. He keeps picking at something on his nose. And I get it must be uncomfortable.

Then it bleeds. And he's like, why is my nose bleeding? What? Like, why do you think it's bleeding, mate? Because you're picking it. I'm picking it, dickhead. I told you to not pick it. Does he eat?

Does he eat? No, no. He's just playing with it. It's like right on the head. But then just before we got here, he was like picking at his nose again, like the outside of his nose. I'm like, stop it. And he's like, well, that's the good one.

I was like- What do you mean? So like this side's got a scab, that one doesn't. And I was like, well, that one will turn into the bad one. And he's like, oh, okay, okay. It's funny you say that because yesterday when we got home from his trip, we all went to the one house where all our cars were. And he's got two kids the exact same ages. the oldest one's the same age as oscar but then the younger one's like three i think and the three-year-old was like come out she was like

ash and she was in her pajamas too like nice hair done ready for bed she's like she's like oh someone hit me in the park i need a band-aid i was like jesus that's cute but it's like they're all the same it's a nightmare it's a nightmare when you're out of band-aids and it's a nightmare when it's in a spot like the nose where you can't put a band-aid on yeah but lola had like a tiny she tripped over at the park earlier in the week a tiniest i'm talking like a dot like someone had drawn three dots with a ballpoint pen and then she would like limp around the house. She like wouldn't even put weight on her foot. She's like, oh, my leg.

And I'm like, oh, I'm trying to like give her a little bit of tension but also not be like, just fucking walk. Yeah. But then she wouldn't get in the bath. Do you know what I found works when they won't get in the bath because of it is if you go, okay, well, you can still get in the bath, just put the washer over it when you get in. Oh, like a big bag.

Yes. So the washer's on it. So it gives that a go. Yes. See, you said there's no advice here. I'm just giving you some fucking sound advice. What I wanted to say as well is because they don't know the human anatomy. Let's always catch Oscar out with this.

And he was like, because one of his friends, same age, already broke his already broke his collarbone he's like four yeah he's just one of those kids as a wrecking ball now oscar's like anytime something hurts like oh my collarbone so he's like my collarbone hurts i'm like yeah point out where your collarbone is oscar and he points his ankle and i'm like gotcha fine. Meanwhile, his foot's like bent back. No, he was okay. So we had our moments. We had our moments. So there was that one night where just like every step towards getting the kids in bed was met with like a full-blown meltdown.

Like every mouthful of food, getting Lola in the bath, she was screaming. Marley was screaming. And also you have these like little windows where my kids are normally in bed by like 7 7 30 and then sometimes like that limit would be like 7 15 and i just leave that little bit too long crossover dude different kids i do but the benefit for this is once they're asleep whole house to yourself oh my mom was there i was yeah my mom was there locker in the bedroom oh this is nice it's a peace and quiet the biggest question for me was in the night i'm a really heavy sleeper whereas laura wakes up at a pin drop and i was

kind of worried i was like hopefully like i would feel if Lola, she normally wakes up once in the middle of the night. She drops her dummies on the floor. She wants some more warm water. Yeah. And I was like, hopefully I'll wake up. I don't know if this makes me a bad parent. Like, do you just sleep through like? I sleep through anything.

Except I was waking up and there was this one instance where. Once you know, you're going to be a little bit more hyper alert. I was game mode. I was on. Yeah, nice. But in the middle of the night, it must have been like three in the morning lola was crying and i went to get out of bed and keeping in mind that marley may still most nights will in the middle of the night come and sleep in my bed every now and then she won't yeah same with

oscar yeah but i woke up and marley wasn't in bed with me and I was like, oh, okay. So I went to get off the bed to go to Lola. She was on the floor. And I put my foot down and instead of hitting the carpet, I hit like luckily it was just no weight, just I was like that's. It's like when you accidentally step on the dog or something. They do that scamper. And luckily I didn't like put my foot down with all my weight because it was you know three in the morning i'm still like yeah yeah very hazy and i'm like oh

fuck i'll deal with that when i come back and i kind of stepped over marley sorted out just on the carpet on the floor just on the carpet yeah next to the bed and it was also a really awkward time because i don't know what it's like here but at like quarter to five the sun's kind of coming up and we have one type of bird that starts chirping at like five o'clock and in my head i was thinking if i can just get lola back in bed and asleep before that bird starts chirping then at least i've got like an hour hour and a half time was precious time yes time was very sounds very precious time was precious anyway so i time sounds very precious. Time was precious. Anyway, so I got Lola down and then I was kind of standing there

back at my bed and I was looking at Marley, who was sound asleep, on the floor on the carpet. And I was like. Just leave her. Did you leave her? I gave her a blanket. Oh, well, that's all right. It's better than nothing.

It's like giving the homeless person a blanket. Pretty much. I was like, here you go, a little blanket. Did she sleep there for much longer or? Until 7 o'clock. Holy shit. Do you know what time she was there from? You don't.

I don't know what time she came in, no. But I thought like if I bring her in bed with me, it's too high risk. She'll wake up. She'll wake up. And then she'll be up, the bird's chirping, and then she'll make a bit of noise. Then Lola wakes up and, dude, I can't face a fire. So you got everyone back to sleep, is that what you're saying?

Everyone back to sleep. Yes, sweet. And then Marley woke up. She was like, the fuck am I doing on the – What am I doing on the floor? Dad, what am I doing down here? How many drinks did I have last night? You just slipped down there.

I'll bring you back in. Don't worry. Yeah, your slip walk ended up there not that long ago. All night. But it was a fine week. It did feel pretty good when Laura came home on Sunday. Oh, yeah. She did the red eye.

Did the red eye. Rank flight, you get about four hours sleep. Was that all? I love four hours sleep on an airplane. You don't sleep on airplanes, do you? In business class, I do. The one time that I flew it. But Laura came home.

They gave her a lovely welcome as soon as she walked in the front door. But then, you know, when it came to like having lunch, they're like, I want to sit on dad's lap. Oh, they're attached to you for that moment. Putting Lola down. I was like, that's okay, Laura. I'll put Lola down. She likes this dummy. She likes to cuddle like this before I put her down.

Yeah. So, right now, I am fucking top dog in our household. Nice. Only for a short amount of time though. Oh, yeah, yeah. It won't be long. Time is ticking. It's like I may be – I mean, by tonight I'm sure they'll be like,

fuck off, Dad. Hey, wait, hang on. Before we go on. Yeah. Just to drop in some news. Oh, no. That you will be a bit jealous of. Okay, yep.

Fucking laid on me. Brisbane Broncos had a great win on the weekend. Are you going to the grand final? I'm going to the grand final. Who is? Who are you going with? Our lovely producer slash editor, Keisha. Fuck off, Keisha.

Are you serious? She had one spare ticket. Well, you better find another one. I'll tell you right now. Nah, look, I would go. I've been to heaps of grand finals, so. You've been to heaps? Yeah, there was a time there where like three or four years in a row,

I got free tickets. From who? Random sources, my friend. One was like a builder that came into work. He's like, I've got a couple of tickets. We can't go. It was like ninth row where Ben Hunt dropped the ball. 2015. Arguably one of the greatest grand finals of all time one of the worst no yeah but

like in terms of suspensefulness if it was the other way around you'd be like the fucking greatest day of my life if ever i come across any of the footage if anyone doesn't know brisbane broncos lost to north queensland like it was it went into overtime oh it was great it's just a great finish if i see that footage on social media, it fills me with anxiety. I have to scroll on. So it was that year then when the Sharks won, which was another great year. And that was like in a corporate box through Justin Hems, I think. Shit, you've been well looked after.

Well, a friend of mine, her, Mrs. Husband opened a restaurant with Justin Hems in New York. And the tickets just trickled down to someone who actually wanted to go. To you. That was me the day before. Yeah. And then the last one was because Manly under 19 at the time, they won the comp. They were in the grand final.

And we were family. Because once you go to the earlier game, you can stay for the later game. So, we were there for the whole thing. So, yeah. I've been to plenty. You could probably do a weekend off the piss. I guarantee you I'll be there on Sunday. Yeah, you have like a weird...

I've got a way. You're like, you're just a magnet. I've got a weird way of getting into places. Because you're always fun times, Ash. Fun times. Don't I sound like fun times? I think we've spoken a bit about how you're indestructible and it's happened.

You've gotten sick and you need to rest up. You are the shell of your former self. Summer's coming, baby. God. That's big time. Do you think you're going to party more than what you currently party at? Nah. That's a fucking flat out lie.

I'm going to Bali, so we'll see. Jesus, this makes me... We'll see. We've got stuff on. I on i got thursday friday i can't go i can't go sunday april kill me if i go sunday i gotta as soon as i dropped it i got a free ticket she's like oh okay it's a great one one of those years the broncos cowboys when i took april with me actually and she was like whoa this is great yeah she was like, whoa. This is great? Yeah. She was like, this is pretty cool.

She gets it. It's not just any old game. It's the one game. Yeah. Which is the biggest of the year. Speaking of partying. Yeah. You've had a big weekend.

Yeah. So, Oscar's mother's group. Okay. So, four years ago, you met these people and you either loved them or you hated them. Can I ask? Because I never was part of a mother's group, partly because Laura didn't have time for it because she went straight back to work. Yeah.

But how did you guys get introduced to your mother's group? How does that happen? Because they're like local government organized. What do you mean? So Oscar was born when we lived in DY, so we fell into the catchment of that particular part of the council, right? And they set you up, say, if you want to go into groups like i don't know really how it worked but so wait they just reach out and say hey there's a mother's

group tuesday yeah because everything else you get the you know you get the blue book your baby's registered that you've had a baby in the area then they put you into the area where you live if you want to go so it was at like like a New South Wales government building like rec hall where you go and meet mums. The kids are all born within like a certain period. Period, yeah, right. Like two weeks. We have joint birthday every year with them

because the kids are like a week apart. Because that's a real roll the dice. You could be partnered with losers. Yeah. No one's losers, Matthew. Sorry, let me correct myself. People who you don't click with. Yeah, exactly. And's losers, Matthew. Sorry, let me correct myself. People who you don't click with. Yeah, exactly.

And we're very fortunate. We've landed on our feet. In that group, did everybody get along or was there like one or two? There was like one or two that just drifted off or we've just taken them out of group chats or whatever because they were just like, they never came, it didn't click or they were just a bit like, oh, shit. It's always a loose unit. I just realized that i'm that loose unit

no there's always like a couple that's like they're just a bit weird or they just do things differently or they don't communicate or they're like anyway that's not the point the point is we're very lucky i've got friends that are like we'd be part of your mother's group like because they the one that they had was shit they may have caught up with them once or twice. People have got their own lives. I get it. And now you guys are going to Bali together. Yeah, we're going to Bali together like next week.

How many families? Not all of us. Only two other families of the five. Can I just say that's fucking impressive that you guys have managed to like all make those dates available. Because it's so good time. Yeah, it's been a lot of logistics. Yeah, yeah.

April's been a hell of a time yeah april's been april's all over i have no idea what's going on i'm just going along for the ride so last weekend april went away with the mother's group the full mother's group where'd they go they went to the hunter lovely no kids no kids so we had the kids last weekend beautiful beach weather too i was very lucky and then this week the some of the dads went. A couple of them had like other commitments, like a 40th and stuff that they couldn't get out of. Doesn't mean they didn't want to come, but only four of us went down, which is great.

Perfect car full. And it's funny, everyone in the mother group is like 6'3 plus. What? In terms of height. In the mother's group? Yeah, the dads. Sorry. Sorry, yeah.

I was like, wow. Yeah. Not much of much supermodels so like all the dads are like six three and so for anyone who doesn't know ash is what like five six okay mate that's funny five ten anyway anyway you can jab me down it's because you didn't get a mother's group you want to try and take me down with you. Anyway, I always joke about it. It's like whenever we go somewhere. What's it like being under six foot? What's that? The weather is...

Tell you what you do. Unfortunately, you smell people's farts earlier than what you would at six foot. Would you ever break your femur? Profession that biomedical staff to extend... I don't need to be taller. I'm proud, happy. Stop kicking the short king while he's down. Everyone's six three. Ash is in the back seat in the middle. Literally. What seat did you get in the car? Stop kicking the short king while he's down. Everyone 6'3".

Ash is in the back seat in the middle. Literally. What seat did you get in the car? Back right. Oh, who got the middle? No one because driver, two, four. Four people. You know?

Sorry. Our short people know how to add up. I always joke about whenever we go somewhere with them, it's like it's nice if you just take your little brother with you. But anyway, we went down to the south coast which was cool because one of them has like their parents has a holiday house down there like a nice shack like in this place called car wrong which is beautiful like a nice little flat swimming spots and there's you know kids it's great for families but also all the houses are so expensive. There's nothing there. There's a bowls club at a corner shop and it's like, that house, 4 million. It's like, holy shit.

It's like Moldy Mook. For anyone who's not familiar with the geography of the area, it's like three hours south of Sydney. Yeah, it was three hours, yeah. And it's fucking expensive now. Yeah. It's crazy. Anything on the water. Yeah, and it was like, obviously, really nice.

The weather was great. But on the Saturday, we were like, oh, good. They've got jet skis and stuff. We were like, do all these activities. And you booked in the jet ski. They've got them. Who's got them? The guys at their house, they already have jet ski. He's got jet ski.

Maybe two. See, not only have you got like a nice click, you've got one of the dads who's stinking rich as well. Yeah. Who's come down to my holiday house filled to the brim with jet skis. Yeah. Should we get the helicopter down there? Yeah.

We actually did get the helicopter. Jeez, it must be nice. Yeah. Anyway, one cloud was in the sky. How did the other half live? Oh, shut up. Let me finish. One cloud was in the sky.

This is where the story starts. One cloud and we all went, oh, it's not really jet ski weather, is it? Should we go to the pub? 10 o'clock. Okay, where should we go? You know, Husky's not far away. You can get a ferry there from Myola, which Myola was 21 k's away. And we're like, okay.

One of the guys was like, oh, if we go now, I'll drive because we'll come back and we'll go somewhere later. I was like, sweet. No worries. So, we've driven to Myola. Then we've got on a ferry. Cute little ferry. Yeah. The skipper was just a piss take.

He was just like, any chance he could get to rinse someone was great. So, he's just rinsing people. That's right. I got on stupidly. And it's a tiny, it's not a big boat. It's not very big. And I get on and I was like sat down. It's like, how are you, mate?

It's like, good. I was like, yeah, it's 15 bucks return. I was like, is this like a facial recognition? So like if I'm on the way back, like a stupid joke. And he was like, that's a funny joke. Sydney fucking like blah, blah, blah. That was your joke? Yeah, my joke was, is it like a facial recognition thing?

That was it? Okay. And he was like. Interesting, interesting joke. Yeah, well, I didn't know. He didn't give me a ticket. And then he was like, no, we it like a facial recognition thing? That was it. Okay. And he was like- Interesting joke. Yeah, well, I didn't know. He didn't give me a ticket. And then he was like, no, we've got a ticket system.

We eventually really took the- Oh, sorry. You didn't. That's okay. Okay. Now it makes a lot of sense. Like, I was here earlier. I've paid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, that's not the end of the story. Anyway, so we pull up at Husky Pub. Beautiful day. That cloud's long gone. It's now what now it's just beautiful it's october fest at this pub and were you guys like it still would have been too cold on the jet ski yeah yeah we were just like oh look at these people out there on jet skis and you know what husky pubs like one of those pubs it's like overlooks the water it was great october fest like

i said so there's all these activities going on with all these people dressed like they're from germany we park up we're literally half a pint in and the guy who's driving goes i'm not driving October 1st, like I said, so there's all these activities going on with all these people dressed like they're from Germany. We park up. We're literally half a pint in, and the guy who's driving goes, I'm not driving. And we're like, okay, that's tomorrow's problem. We'll get the car tomorrow, right? We're from Sydney, though.

We'll get the car tomorrow. Okay, so this is like 11 o'clock. Anyway, we've sort of parked up, drinking and drinking and carrying on and hanging out, having a good fucking time time and then at about eight o'clock at night where the last ferry to go back to the car has gone and we're like oh we'll get home somehow classic lads worry about it tomorrow we get a message from one of the guy's wives who's very familiar with the area that we're at and was like i've got to find my iphone and you're still at husky pub at eight o'clock and he was like yeah he's like do you realize that there is no taxis there is no ubers there is no bus and you're 50 minutes from home there's no taxis in huskens

there's one taxi that's it it's fucking packed're like, oh, we'll be right. We were like, tell the leave us alone. We didn't hound them. But the fine my phone has given it away. And we were like, oh, fuck. We'll just worry about getting home later. So midnight comes and we're like, how the fuck are we going to get home? And we eventually got onto this one cab driver, right? And he was like, yeah, I can pick you up in like 30 minutes.

Oh, beautiful. Easy, not a big deal. and he was like, yep, I can pick you up in like 30 minutes. Oh, beautiful. Great. Easy, not a big deal. Unknown to me that the other boys had been like asking bar staff how do we get home. I was just having a good time. $300 to get home. 50 minutes.

$300 to get home in this cab. Shit. The only way home. Was that on the meter or was he up front? No, he was just like up front. This is how much it is. So we've all got cash now. That only way home. Was that on the meter or was he up front? No, he was just like up front. This is how much it is. So we've all got cash out. That's good money.

Oh, he'd be raking it in. And good on him. Only guy. Only guy. But keeping in mind, the car is still parked somewhere else. Yeah, because of the ferry. Because of the ferry. So we've gone all the way home.

The facial recognition ferry. Yeah. Got home. We're all a bit hungry. Had a bit of a cheese platter at home at midnight, you know, 3 o'clock comes we're like fuck we should go to bed go to bed, wake up and we were all like

okay well we've got to get this car now how do we get this car no cabs, it's Sunday no public transport we're like fuck what are we going to do, we could jet ski there and we're like how are we going to get the jet ski to the water and I'm like we could all carry it down on the water anyway all these ideas come out we're like what about a courtesy bus to the nearest bowls club

we could just walk the rest of the way keeping in mind it's the day we're going home so we can't just be like i'll worry about it on a monday we're like how are we going to do this the courtesy bus is until 3 30 in the afternoon what are we going to do and the guy who was the last bloke to sleep puts his hand up and he says, I'm going to do it. I'm going to run to the car. 21 kilometers at 10 o'clock in the morning. That's like a two and a half hour. He had red wine stain on his teeth and on his lips.

And he's like, I'm just going to have to do it. Anyways, we've prepped him up like you're the best let's do it just sent him off on his way did you give him we had we gave him some red snakes anyway he's on his way we've got the track my phone we're just keeping tabs on him meanwhile he's doing that we're all sitting in the sun having a quick little beer something to eat clean the house a little bit so when he gets back it looks like we've done something and yeah two hours and 15 minutes or something he ran it in that's a good time he took two shits and spewed up once oh my god he gets back and i'll show you the videos after he gets back and he was just a shell of a human but absolute heroics from this young man who has spent we did a 12 hour plus drinking session

he's woken up thrown his hand up to run half marathon to the car in the boiling hot sun rescued the vehicle i mean just an absolute heroic effort oh mate unbelievable anyway so we got the car to drive back to sydney he's just in shambles he's asleep in the car immediately we stopped for lunch he can't eat his he's like gonna spew up he had a couple of beers he was like oh fuck like heroics you guys are fucking useless yeah that store is dedicated to him what's his name his name's ben ben and one of the uh dad's one of the ones i'm going to bali with so keep your post it on he's coming to bali yeah oh god anyway should we do let's do some lives okay okay the first lie that i have here ash is from a mum and she says that she has a videotape of a cartoon that normally plays who has videotape well yeah hey is this a lie that they've lied to us about the lie?

I honestly, she says like videotape. Maybe a recording. Maybe a recording. Maybe I've interpreted it wrong. Could be a grandma. Who knows? That too. But she says the cartoon normally plays at 7.30.

So if the kids are being an absolute nightmare, she puts it on at 6 o'clock. At night. Very genius. I think it's Bluey. Bluey plays at like 7 o'clock or 7 very genius very i think it's bluey bluey plays at like seven o'clock or seven thirty it's bluey on so like abc kids on abc kids there's always it's the same it's rinse and repeat the program every single night so the lie is that it's like

it's time for that show now to get it yet does that mean she gets the kids to bed earlier oh yeah 100 oh okay so she brings the clock forward essentially. Because for me, the kids have Bluey and then it's time for bed. Oh, okay. So I could play Bluey at like 4 o'clock and be like, wow, look at the time. 10 a.m. in the morning. Well, that day went quick. Into bed.

It's sunny outside. It's one of those nights that the sun doesn't go down. So my lie, I've never used this one, mainly because I could probably start using it because Oscar's now using the bathroom and not a nappy like Macy's still a nappy. The lie is the car won't start until you go to the toilet. Have you used that one? Never.

Never. I reckon my kids would just be like fucking fine. Just piss in the seat. Yeah. We'll sit here all fucking day. I just went there swimming with Oscar and I was like, you can't go swimming until you've done a wee because he'll piss in the pools. That's fine.

No, it's not. There's so much. There's like thousands of litres of gallons of water in there. So do your kids share a bath? Yes. They go to the bath because you used to have a shower and now it's a bath. Yeah, they all just piss in the bath. I don't care.

And sometimes- Oscar got in the bath the other day before Macy and he was obviously dehydrated and it just went yellow. And I was like, buddy. I was like, what? I was like, what? I was like- I can smell that.

It's like cordial, so concentrated. But yeah, look, I'll give it a crack if there ever- Did you ever struggle with Macy? I mean, she's still in nappies, isn't she? So you haven't done this just yet. And obviously oscar when he's doing a bushwee would just pull his pants down and stand up one thing that i found really hard with the girls is like how to hold them while doing a bushwee i just saw a tiktok video about

this really yeah it was like all the different techniques because have them sit over a log because i up against a tree. Oh, that was when she holds the branch? Yes, I have seen that one. But for me, like I wasn't sure what angle the wee comes out at for a woman. And so the first few attempts trying to do a bush wee, like they'd be pissing up all over themselves, like pissing on like the – because they pull the pants down or undies on their ankles.

And it comes out at an angle that it's really hard to like hold them in a way where they're not pissing on themselves. I'll show you how to do it after we record this. I'll show you the position that I go to now. And it works. Since finding this position, it's made my life a hell of a lot easier. But I've only found it recently after like four and a half years. Because Oscar did a bush poo the other day

and just pooped straight into his undies. And I was like, those undies are going to the bin. I was at the skate park. What position were you holding him in? He was holding himself. That was probably the mistake. Anyway, do we have any questions this week, Matthew? We do.

We do, Ash. We have talked about vasectomies before. Yeah, I did do a story. It's exactly one year yesterday since my vasectomy. Your anniversary. How did you celebrate? I untwisted them. No celebration.

Don't know if this is something that I can share on the podcast, but I'd love to know if there's any other dads who have had a vasectomy and it's increased the amount of liquid. I'm a squirter now. Yeah, Ash is, he's now like a fire hose. I'm like, all of a sudden it's like the initial spurts like normal and then it just goes in every fucking direction. Wow.

Is there a doctor listening? Why am I now a squirter? What has happened? But Ash, this mum has written in and she says, hey, do you guys have any tips for vasectomy recovery? Hubby is getting the snip in two days. Also, the doctor's name is Dr. Dick Beattie. That's not the one you went to, is it?

No, no. Different doctor. Different Dr. Dick Beattie. That's not the one you went to, is it? No, no. Different doctor. Different doctor Dick. I reckon this is the wrong question for Ash because- I just- Here's some advice. Go straight home and relax. Don't go out with the boys, clock up 15,000 steps, get tackled into a bush.

Don't do it. Is there anyone out there who would honestly consider doing that other than you oh there would be i'm not i'm not not i don't know i would say it's just recover properly like my mate lives across the street he got it that's funny here's another thing too so he went got a recovery fine three days he was good back to normal obviously it must be tough to jerk off after three days. I didn't attempt it because I was bruised up to my fucking belly button from the fucking bender that I had afterwards.

But also another thing as well is once one of the boys gets in, all of a sudden the wives have booked all the other boys in. That's what I know. It's a knock-on effect. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like word on the street is they're going to have a sex with me. It's like, oh, I'm going to book you in. That's usually what happens.

But go home, put your feet up, lads. Did you, when you went out on the piss, was it the next day or that night? I didn't feel it that night. But I definitely had my nuts out a lot that night. Whoa, whoa, wait. So, wait. When you went out, was that the same? That wasn't the same day you got the snip in the morning?

No, no, no. Then when did you go out? I got the snip on a Saturday afternoon. And then when did you went out, that wasn't the same day. So you got the snip in the morning. No, no, no. And when did you go out? I got the snip on a Saturday afternoon. And then when did you go out? Straight after. Fuck. So many people saw my nuts that night. Oh, my God.

I know. That is. Yeah, I went to a gay bar in Surry Hills. No wonder so many people saw my nuts. So make sure the husband doesn't go to Oxford Street. Get him a nice six-pack for when he gets home. Let him have one on the couch in nice peace and quiet because he's nuts. You must have gotten infected after that, no?

Nah. Not that I know of. I'm a squirter now. Yeah, this is a bit of a different one, a bit of a different speed. This question, Matthew, I don't know where it comes from, but what are some signs that a man will be a good dad? So obviously pre-dad. What do you think are some characteristic signs of a man

that could potentially be a good suitor? I think it's hard because I think there are some people that i look at who weren't like it wasn't like the most important thing in their life going and starting a family like they wanted to have a family but it wasn't like something they were gagging to have a family in the scale of like one to a hundred some people sit at like 50 some are 70 oh wow sorry about that keep that in please keisha yeah so sorry as well i know my fart like completely threw you off for example like laura wanted to have a family but you know if she saw another child it wasn't like this motherly instinct just took over and she like

you know was like couldn't help but hold the baby and some people really like love it pretty yeah like that motherly instinct wasn't kind of instilled in laura before we had kids what about you uh i always wanted to have kids yeah i couldn't wait to be a dad yeah okay see i was like a bit like laura was like if i have kids i have kids if i don't i don't yeah it's's funny because April really wanted kids. I didn't really want kids. So we compromised and had kids. It wasn't that I didn't want kids, but it's like I never knew if I was ever going to be a good dad or whatever.

I think, yeah, like having the kid changes you, right? Because even some of the most masculine men who you think, there's no way that that guy can turn into a big softie, but then he has a daughter and you're like, holy shit, this guy is like a different person. I think the answer to this question is like it's hard to tell. I think if they have their shit together, like if they're someone who like gets their car serviced every couple of years, you know.

That's the benchmark. I think that you know. That's the benchmark. I think that would be. That's the benchmark. If he services his car, he's going to be a great dad. Okay. If he services his car, there's not like rotting food in the fridge. Yeah. Okay.

That's someone who like has like a certain. General adult stuff, Matthew. Okay. And I think, yeah, there has to be a level of like wanting to be a dad as well yeah like if you don't want to run a marathon you're never really going to do a good time are you well I've paid for two and haven't run both of them yeah it's a tough one to answer but I think like go with your gut I think yeah if there's anyone actually out there who has a partner who is a dad and a great dad at that, tell us, looking back now,

before you had kids, what were some of the things that they did which you can now look at and go, ah, that was- Services car. Yeah, services car. Every three years. Yeah, go into their car, look at the sticker in the top right. Check the logbook. All right. I think on that that note you need to stop talking

i look guys i do apologize for my huskiness more like men i apologize women you're welcome but i've been sitting here sucking on soothers and drinking water the whole time trying to get back into bed trying to get through one of the most heroic dad stories I've ever been a part of. This is actually, can I just say, your performance today on this podcast, given- No, the guy just ran two and a half hours for the boys. No, don't sell yourself short. What you have done today is absolutely unbelievable.

I let the guy's story be heard. Be heard, Ben. Be heard. Dads in other fathers' groups groups would be like and did you hear episode 27 yeah or 28 whatever it is ash ash wicks after having a 12-hour booze session on the weekend lost his voice then sat through an entire two doting dads episode yeah what a man yeah this has been my voice forever now i will say we haven't locked it in 100%, but on the weekend, just gone, I did a little call out saying we're going to get a doting mum on the podcast

because we always do like we try and do one bonus episode per month where we speak to a parent. So far, we've just had dads. Oh, and your mum. Oh, yeah. Mum is coming. I don't know if we told that already. Mum will come.

That's going to be a bonus episode. When you're in Bali, we'll drop that in a couple of weeks but amy gerard yeah mothers love her i know april froth and like both amy and i did a job for a company on different days where we had to visit this particular place but we didn't quite and then i started following her and then you were like what about this we've had heaps of people trying to get. So, I mean, we're not 100% on it yet, are we? I don't know. Well, she wrote back to me and she said, what about next week? Oh.

So, potentially. Oh, yeah. You did tell me that. We may record, I think. So, it's not locked in. So, I don't want to like jinx it and it not happen. But I think. Is she Sydney, mate?

Pretty sure she's Cronulla. I'm pretty sure. That's not Sydney. But if there's anyone listening right now who there's a mom they would love to hear from on this podcast submit it to us we would love to have them on here because we want to hear from the dads also want to hear from the moms as well and then next week ash are we doing ordinary parents yeah next week we will be doing ordinary parents so get your ordinary parents stories in

I've had a few on email which are really great love that because if your story gets featured we will pick out the best one

yeah to then win 200 bucks yeah a couple will get featured but we'll have a winner every week

and a couple hundred bucks from budget smuggler which come direct from them and they've been great so far so keep sending them in

and also Ash you close your mouth. You don't have to talk anymore. If you enjoyed this episode, subscribe, review, send it to a friend who needs a laugh. Could be a parent, could be a non-parent, and we will speak to you next week. Hopefully, Ash's voice is back, but not entirely

because that little bit of husk is just delightful to hear. I can hear the panties collectively dropping. Okay, let's get out of here. See you guys. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all

Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.