Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - Child labour & glory hole books

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

What's the number benefit of having kids? Pretending they're sick to get out of social events. Ash takes full advantage of this by giving his grandma a wide berth on mother's day because he was hung-dog-millionaire.. I mean, he was tending to his child's raging fever. Matt decided Marlie was old enough to start earning a wage so he put her to work in the garage washing the car. If anyone in Sydney wants a wash and polish, it's $12.50. And Oscar gets a birthday present that can only be described as a glory hole book - Perfect! We also have a crack at answering your parenting questions: How do you get your toddler to sleep through the night? Tips for leaving the house with two kids solo? Follow @twodotingdads on Instagram here. Or slide into our DM's with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Actually, speaking of that Bluey thing. Yeah. Obviously, they have the big Bluey characters. Did you not see it when we were leaving them, carry them out in big body bags? What do you mean? So, the kids get to see Bluey and Bingo, the big Bluey and Bingo.

Yeah. And then as we will exit, they're carrying both costumes out in legitimate body bags. And Oscar was like, what's that? And I was like, that's a dead dog. It's good to be back in... Don't tell people where I live, please. It's good to be back in the...

On the northern beaches of Sydney. It's good to be back in the northern beaches. It is. It's a fucking drive and a half out here. It's like 23km though, but it's like Sydney traffic. And you've got to go through a couple of real shitty spots, like North bridge or whatever way you go like either way any way you go over the spear it's a fucking nightmare north bridge

is quite a nice like it's like a castle bridge yeah just knock that shit down like get over it get over it man like do you know how i'm living in the past do you know how i know you live really far away yeah obviously besides the fact that it takes me an hour and a bit to get here. That's because you're a slow driver. I saw four roadkill. Four roadkill? Yeah, yeah. Wacos Parkway.

Yeah, yeah. Do you know Wacos Parkway is allegedly haunted? There's a whole TikTok series about it. Excuse me, I just banged my... Haunted from what? I don't know. I didn't listen because I don't believe it. It is a bit of an eerie drive.

Heaps of people die on that street. Really? Yeah. Not mysteriously. They just drive drunk down there. So, what sort of roadkill? Because, look, I'm hungry. Two possums.

Two, I wouldn't say kangaroos. I'm no expert. Could have been a wallaby. Well, you can't tell when they're splattered across the bitumen. How big they were to begin with. Could have been a mouse and just been spread out across it's always nice to go for a drive and see some of our unnatural fauna dead dead on the side of the road yeah some of the things are on the flag dead welcome it's waiting for a dead emu welcome to ash's neck of the woods i know yeah look we're roughing it up here. Absolutely. But, welcome back. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads.

I am Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast that happens to be all about parenting the good, the bad. And the relatable. And, as always, advice, not here. Yep. Not today. Stay clear, my child, as we say.

Not today. No advice. Oh, you never know. Somehow we seem to do it. Someone always says, I took your advice. I was like, don't blame me for that shit. The next generation coming through. God help them.

I will say, and this is the biggest surprising thing I think about the podcast, is the fact that people go to the gym and listen to us at the gym. I find it absolutely buck wild. Yeah, I had someone that did a run and listened to two episodes. What? I know. Shit. It's not that good.

I'm like, surely you'd want to listen to like, who's that Robbins guy? Anthony Robbins. Anthony Robbins. You want a bit of him in your ears. Yeah, but like his voice is so annoying. Yeah. We're not much better. But one lady was saying that she had to stop listening to us

because she was giggling as she was trying to like, you know, do a squat. So, for anyone out there. She was too aroused, you mean. Apologies. Apologies for that. But for anyone at the gym right now, one more. Deeper. Push it hard.

Do you know what I hate? The over like people are just like way too enthusiastic about the gym. Like, look, I get it. Push it hard. Do you know what I hate? The over, like, people are just like way too enthusiastic about the gym. Like, look, I get it. I train too. I just don't get like over enthusiastic about it. Like you when you're running. Anyway. As always, we would like to thank Better Beer as this episode would not be possible without you.

And we've gone back to the original, which is the Zero Carb Low Cal. Zero sugar as well. Oh, beautiful. Cheers. Beautiful. And look, I'm normally a can guy. Why do you like cans? Oh, you know, there's nothing more manly than crushing a can on your head afterwards.

But I'd quite like this out of a bottle because it's crisp. It's one of those good day drinkers. It's only like 8 a.m. in the morning, so perfect. The dream. If anyone at the gym right now, you can work out and have a better beer. They're pre-workouts, actually. That's what I use them for. It's refreshing.

It'll give you a little energy boost. Approved by Matt Nash. Absolutely. And also, also, Ash. Yes. We're going to run a competition. A little competition. And the way it's going to work is that we're giving out a little merch voucher worth 200 bucks.

So a couple of shirts. Your hat. Your hat is going to be a hat. Yeah, this is actually. I forgot I had this bad boy. What do you think? I like it. It's comfortable.

It's actually, these ones are really good for sweating. Would you run in that? Yeah. Would you? No, it's comfortable it's actually these ones are really good for sweating would you run in that yeah would you no it looks it's too nice no it's just good material easy wash i find that when you wash these ones the shape gets better you reckon for my head your head looks funny my my head's tiny it's such a little pinhead you have a great head for hats uh interesting that you're wearing a hat when you've just got a haircut i didn't want to wear i don't know i just i just thought i'd wear a better be a hat because this episode is probably bought you by bitty and of course we're going to give away some merch so matt please again tell us how it works okay so it's 200 voucher better be a merch yep if you would like to be in the running

to win it all you have to do is just share a story on your socials of you listening to the podcast so it could just be a selfie you on your phone your headphones in could be you know on the car and like the little dashboard and you know you're listening to don't do it while you're driving definitely don't do it whilst you if you drink driving yes don't drink drive but if you're driving pull over take a photo tag two doting dads that's all you have to do or like a screenshot on your mobile phone or listening to the podcast it is that simple we will pick someone when is the competition going to run good question i'm glad you are the 21st is the day correct and we i'm glad you're you need me yeah you need me so look we're going to pick one 24 hours from that from the release of this episode

one at random on the thursday the thursday close of business we're going to pick one 24 hours from that, from the release of this episode. We'll pick one at random. On the Thursday, the Thursday close of business, we're going to announce a winner. And then we'll also announce a winner on the next podcast. $200 voucher. Thanks to Better Beer. Let's get into the episode. Let's get into it. It's weird to see you so fresh.

What do you mean? Considering. Usually I look like shit. Well, you gave it a bit of a nudge. Normally we record midweek. Last episode we did a Friday record, which I think I underestimated how dangerous it would be on a Friday. And also because we finished the record and then you're kind of like,

job's done, not to bring it back up, Ash. Unemployed. Yeah, boy. We went to the pub afterwards. Didn't we ever. And I don't really drink pints. Oh, just smashing pints. It was- One of my favorite things to do.

You made me feel pathetic. You are pathetic, but I was glad that I could remind you of that. You would drink a pint in like the same time I drink like a schooner and a half. And you were just there like... A pint is like a schooner and a half. Oh, actually, that does make sense. I was slowing down for you pretty much. So I would finish a pint when you were like nearly finishing the scooter.

I'd be like, come on. I was just ready to rock and roll, man. And I got home at God knows what time. Did you get in trouble? No, you didn't get in trouble. No, not really. Because that's the thing. I got home and then the thing that I do is,

that doesn't get me in trouble, is as soon as one of the kids makes a peep at like 5, 5.30, boom, I'm up. How? I'm a fucking machine. How does that happen? Are you not, does it take a moment of you going, I can do this? A wise man once told me that I used to work with, just get up and get it done.

That's what he was like. He was very much like that. And he told me that before I had kids and he had three kids and i remember i was like how do you do it like you are to me how do you do it and he's like look it's only temporary just get up get it done and i honestly i'm not that strong look there has been days where i've been like i can't do it like don't get me wrong okay but if i want to live this sort of lifestyle where april was like you drink too much but you know what you got up let me go to the gym and you had the kids for like an hour and a half all on your own here and with a belting headache you got to give her something back yes yeah you can't just be like yeah being a sack of shit on the couch yeah i look

i've aged because of it i know. Don't be so hard on yourself. No, no, no. That's the truth. Those crow's feet. These crow's feet coming in. They're coming in. We could do with a Botox sponsor. Nah, I'm all natural, baby.

You need it. I know. So, yeah, look, big night. No, but I hate when people are like, you just got to tell yourself to get it done. Because I'm not usually that chipper. Dude, I... You know me. I'm not like that.

I'm usually like, if someone said that to me, I'd be like, oh, shut the fuck up. But in this instance, you have to. Otherwise, it's just a fight. Or she'll go, anything that I say or anything I do, if I go, oh, if I yawn even, she's like, because you hung over. It's just not worth the conversation. So I just avoid the fight. It was a big night.

It was also, I don't know, have you heard back the episode from last week? I haven't listened yet. No, it's very sweary. Oh, is that what you were talking about? It is chock full of swear words from the get-go. And I blame you as well because you started swearing as a Friday, relaxed, and not like every second word.

You know, I was listening. Did we cut some of that out? We cut a little bit of it out, but it was like the swear words were just so like thoroughly blended through all the sentences that it would have been impossible to cut it out. Well, look. And you hear the word fuck, and in my head I i'm thinking hopefully it's like five minutes before the next fuck so it's just like it's just like every fourth word you and me are like shit fuck

so people have have listened to that just want to say sorry ash and i had a couple drinks on a friday we got a bit sweary classic it Honestly, I never really think about it that I'm swearing too much. It's just how I talk. If you don't like it, fuck off. Any new listeners, welcome. Any new listeners, go fuck yourself. No, no, no, no, no. You're like, I feel like you are, you're the bad cop.

I'm the good cop. I welcome our listeners with open arms and I'm like, please. I'm just giving them shit. Let me get you some crackers, make yourself comfortable, I'll get you a drink and Ash is like. Swearing like a sailor. Nice shirt, you fucking loser. I know.

I shouldn't be so judgy. Anyway. How do you go with your friends? It's just like that. They're the same. Have you had to like bump out any friends or like cut down your friend time with other people because obviously there's a new person in the mix he's got two thumbs and in the mix this guy uh has anyone got the chop

no no no because like we do things in business hours mainly oh we saw each other on a saturday yeah you saw me yeah we did i did see you on the saturday and i made it a point on the sunday not to call you so i've seen too much of this guy okay yeah did notice you're playing hard to get just like but on the sunday i was dying a slow death oh you're not gonna talk about your running again what let's not talk about you no hang on a second you talk about your fucking running in tokyo and i sat there with a big beady smile i was into every word because it mattered i know i was i was like what else did you do ash and then i'm like hey uh i went for a run on the weekend and you're like oh wouldn't he just shut up unless you run with both kids strapped to you no one

listening wants to hear it i'm'm not bragging about my time. Okay, all right, get it out. Get it over with. Let's go. Can you just pretend to be excited for a second? Okay. Around a half marathon. Obviously not an organized one.

Because off the cuff. It was going to be a long run. You just went for it. And I just, I thought, fuck it. Let's just. Dad strength. I ran with my brother-in-law, the one who I did the race with. Oh, yeah. So it was just a walk in the park for the ultra athlete. Yeah, so he was like, Let's just... Dad strength. I ran with my brother-in-law, the one who I did the race with.

Oh, yeah. So, it was just a walk in the park for the ultra-athlete. Yeah. So, he was like, let's do a half marathon. And I was like, half marathon? Whatever. I'm not even scared. I was nervous.

You did it in good time too. So, that makes it even. I gave it... Yeah. I was dying. From the third kilometer in, I was like in a lot of pain. Because you did 11 the day before. Yeah.

12. Thank you very much. And halfway through, I was like, I really want to stop. And he was like, keep going. And I was like, I don't want to be weak in front of the brother-in-law. So, I kept on pushing. You can't do it. Yeah.

You've got to be the strongest you could possibly be in front of that alpha male. But it was painful. The last 30 minutes, every step, my feet hurt. The hammies were like. Do your feet go like pins and needles? Yeah. How do you get rid of that? You just, like, like i just kept going is it just me being a fat fuck or yeah yeah your feet are like help stop stepping on us but we finished and i didn't feel too bad afterwards went for a quick jump in the water at bondi beach wanker got home beach. Got home. I stupidly forgot to tell Laura that I was doing a really long run.

So you got in trouble for doing the long run. Did you get that phone call? Yeah. Afterwards I left my phone in the car. I ran with the Garmin so you can't, you don't get any. That's not a plug, is it? No, no. You've got a Garmin sponsor? I don't know. I'm actually wearing a Garmin. But I got home and I missed calls because I was gone for fucking ages. And then I just started feeling like really weird and queasy. And I started getting these hot flushes. Like you had menopause.

And I was going through menopause. Menopause. Which is weird because I'm a 35-year-old man. And you look every year at that. But I was getting, you know when you get really sensitive to hot and cold? And so I was like shivering and then all of a sudden I was like so hot that I was taking layers off. And then I was like, I think I've got to go lie down.

You just wanted to get your kid out again. Yeah. There's few occasions where you can go to your partner and you say, I've got to throw in the towel. I've got to lay down. I can't do this anymore. Yeah. It was a shame to waste it on that Sunday because, like,

if you want to do that, you want to do it on, like, you know, a good night out. You don't want to do that off the back of just a long run. Like, what a waste. Yeah, yeah. You want to do it off the you know a good night out you don't want to do that off the back of just a long run like what a waste yeah yeah you want to do it off the back of a big night but i had some fun yeah yeah not just run for an hour and 40 minutes but i did i couldn't do it i had to lay down i slept two hours whoa i i was in bed from about two o'clock till eight o'clock laura went to her sister's house with the in-laws and that was in the diary i did see some footage of that i thought you were going out that's why no dude i i was in bed i was asleep and i never sleep during the day yeah and laura came home and she was calling me as well because

she was like wanted help with the kids laura got home just you know just on bedtime couldn't even help her with the kids getting them out of the car couldn't get oh my god getting them back into bed i was like old man I thought I had COVID. Old man Matty. I did a COVID test. You did a COVID test too? I was like, it's got to be COVID. It's got to be COVID.

No, I'm just weak and pathetic. What flattened me? Just running. Did you eat enough or did you like, you carved up? Well, I like, you know, I had like a small bowl of cereal, but like it was only... Yeah. We're running out of steam, mate. I am.

You are. I am. Kids are running, you're ragged. Let's blame the kids. Don't blame the running. Just all the activities with the children in between the running. So, you bitched out on Bath and Bedtime pretty much. Yeah.

I think she owes you a couple. No, she's forgotten she's forgotten about forgotten the whole dancing with the stars thing literally it's now erased from my memory the fact that i've had the kids pretty much solid that was like eight weeks of like solid it was eight weeks isn't it dude i swear it was eight weeks when i tell laura she's like it was three weeks like three days mate i your witness. That was a long time. It was fucking ages, wasn't it? Do you know why I know it was so long? Because I was like, I would hate that every week.

I was like, I'd hate that. And it was that long that I would hate that. So, I've gone through eight weeks of solo parenting. I had one afternoon where I couldn't get out of bed. Over. Equals itself out. Cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It sucks. You even had to leave the pub the other night because she wanted to get out of bed. Over. Equals itself out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It sucks. You even had to leave the pub the other night because she wanted to go out to dinner. So, mate, it's over. Yeah. It's over. What a waste. What a fucking waste.

What a fun Sunday. But do you know what I did on Sunday? Yeah, where were you? Well, it's Oscar's birthday week, but he's not having any parties. We just tell him that. No, he's having like family parties. Oh, don't try my parents

were here we went down to the park and there was something i wanted to show you that my mom had given oscar for his birthday okay so i'll just quickly get it yeah please it's just here so it's just a book okay i don't know have you ever heard of superworm before never heard so superworm is this super superworm is like it's a it's a book that's been turned into like a short movie on abc but this book still exists obviously about a worm yeah that's super strong yeah i can't really remember the ins and outs but the reason i wanted to show this book because april brought it to my attention and she was like does a worm look like a cock look at that wow

that is a full-blown glory hole that's a a... Literally, that's what the other end of a glory hole would look like. Look at it. That's... But it's through every page. That is... Eagle. That is... You know what it is for me?

It's the skin tone of the worm. No, like make it more wormy, not more grey. It's very penis-y. Like that's what the worm's supposed to look... Ribbed. The worm looks ribbed. But that just looks like a cock puppet. Do you mind if I...

It's a perfect song. That is... For you. What about that? So, Mumsy... That is a full-blown penis. Did Oscar like it? Well, look, it's a book on your birthday

and you've got a remote control car You tell me if you fucking liked it Okay for anyone obviously Super long super worm Oh my god That's what they call me People are They're taking the piss here dude

They knew what they were doing Oh yeah yeah This is not an accident Why would you Like of all the puppet books You have to pick a penis shaped looking Yeah Puppet

For anyone right now Who's probably wondering what this book is. You might even have this book. They're not familiar with Super Worm. It's a book with a hole cut in the middle. A glory hole. A glory hole. And it's got like a little like- Puppet penis.

Yeah, that you put your finger through the hole. And so it's, you can like, which is a cute idea. You can like be the worm as you tell the story, but it just looks like a cock. Looks like a penis. I know. I could also be the worm without that. Yeah. Anyway, so that's my Sunday.

So, I spent the rest of Sunday afternoon going, that looks like a penis. Why is there another man's penis in my house? And Oscar's like, daddy, tell us the story again. Tell us again. That's what I wanted to show you. Hey, will you make it to Marley's birthday? Sorry? Do you think you'll make it to Marley's birthday um what sorry do you think you'll make it to my 24th oh yes well just depends on what depends if my kids are sick or not or i pretend that they're sick and actually i wanted to ask you about i wanted to actually i didn't want to say i wanted to tell

you something that i've i've wanted to admit something okay but didn't want to say. I wanted to tell you something that I've... I've wanted to admit something. Okay. But first, I want to start it off. You're stumbling a bit here. What is it? I want to start it off by saying one of the best things about being a parent is using your kids to get out of things. Oh, yeah.

It's the dream. A couple of things I really like about having kids. Wipes. We've been over this. You love a wipe. Take them everywhere. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me, other than the kids.

And using them to get out of things. And now I don't have a job. I can't use them to get out of going to the office because working from home is so much better. And I was like, oh, kids are sick. So, I've got to help out around the home. Used it a million times. They caught on.

That's why I don't have a job. No. You know, I do it all the time if it's like a friend's birthday and it's like look it's i really like this friend but i don't want to go to the other side of the world to go to a birthday party that's like your 27th or 28th which is just not a no one fucking cares about that age no if it's the 30th, sure. 40th, maybe. Yeah. 50th, I'm thinking about it. Yeah, 50th, I'm not going. So, anyway, I do want to admit something to you.

How have you managed to maintain any kind of friendship in this world, Ash? I'm a lovable guy. Are you, though? People can't get enough of me. Do you reckon it's just because you're so elusive that people just want you more? Yeah, that's what I'm going with. Yeah. Treat them mean, keep them keen.

That's what I say. So, there's something I want to admit that I did. To me? No, no, no. I used... So, Mother's Day this year. So, my grandmother's 86. Okay.

She lives in Western Sydney. It's so far for me to drive. And everyone was going there for Mother's Day to see my 86-year-old grandmother, who I love dearly. Okay. Don't take this the wrong way. Obviously, you guys have, you've been brought up in the same state as your grandmother most of your life.

Most of it. Because some people, like for me, I didn't- Don't make this about you. No, I just, I didn't really, I didn't really have much contact with my- Is this Australian Idol sob story? I would have loved nothing more than a relationship with my grandmother. Shut up. And it was only the fact that she lived halfway across the world in the UK.

We were separated by oceans. You know, you're like what? You had two toll roads to get through and you couldn't do it? Sorry. Not on this occasion. Sorry. You don't know that. I haven't got to the climax of the story yet.

What was her... 86, what was her name? Her name's Olive. Oh, beautiful name. What a lovely... Stop making me feel bad. Okay, so anyway, it was Mother's Day. Everyone was going out there for Mother's Day lunch.

I was a bit hungover. That is... That is such a... So, what I did do is i pulled the my kid's sick card and we can't go so on mother's day i didn't go to the mother's day lunch for my grandmother and no one knows that and now everybody knows that who did did you text olive or did you text a text olive yeah okay did she write back yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. She's so lovely.

She was like, that's okay. She didn't ask for it? She actually texts in capitals all the time. She yelled at me, essentially. Did you go into too much detail about the illness? No, I never. I feel like. Did you say that?

Because fever is always an easy one. Say you got a fever. No, no. Too many details means you're lying. And look, I always use my kids to get out of things I don't want to go to. This is not that I didn't want to go. I physically couldn't go. I could.

How? Because as someone who previously said, you just get up and you just do it. No, I just think it was like, I couldn't drive. It would have been illegal for me to drive. If you got pulled over, you would have been. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And look, I've just said to April, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And look, I've just said to April, I've said, hey, what do you think about this?

And she was like, yeah, let's do it. Because I'm going to assume that maybe April's not super close with Olive, perhaps. She's very close with Olive too. Nan, I'm really sorry about this. I thought for a second, I'm not going to lie. lie i thought you're gonna tell me that olive is no longer around no she is okay thank you she was there on sunday thank heavens she came oh my god it makes it even worse that she's 86 and she came all the way over here on sunday to see my you are i'm you're a bad person you are a bad i feel a lot better though you're

did you feel a little bit guilty because sometimes when you have a bad i feel a lot better though you're a did you feel a little bit guilty because sometimes when you have a hangover in the morning i felt horrible about it i bet you didn't i bet you're right i said she's not my mom did you get like a follow-up do you know what the worst thing is my parents who don't live in the state went and i didn't my sister's gonna hear this and I can't get that to it. When we talk about not giving any type of advice. Don't take, yeah. Look, use your kids to get out of all sorts of things.

Okay, use them. Definitely. But for family members. But maybe not for an age. Who may not have long to go. Heaven forbid. She's very sprightly for her age. She's 86, mate.

Yeah, and she loves to get up on the ladder too she lives alone oh once you hit 80 the ladders are no more so no go yeah take the ladders away from her anyway car keys and ladders no time for it but like when like does anything come to mind for you that you've used your kids to get out of and actually i want to put this out i want to put this out there and i'm going to put it on my instagram at some point it might already have been on there so i'm not going to promise to do it after this episode i might have already asked you it when and what have you used your kids to get out of you know social oh yeah i think especially when they were in like the first 12 months of their lives like having like a newborn is just like that is the ultimate get out of jail oh yeah you're just like cough yeah can't go sorry about that so sorry i can't

come it really is a nightmare trying to put the kids in the car and like and especially with the newborn because you need so much stuff like you can't just get ready in 15 minutes you've got to like pack as if you're going away for a weekend because you've got a stuff. Like you can't just get ready in 15 minutes. You've got to like pack as if you're going away for a weekend because you've got bottles, you've got spare clothes. Fuck, you just got everything. And anyone who, I think if you have to drive somewhere that's longer than, like I'm going to say the max is 30 minutes. Anything above 30 minutes, you're like...

They're frustrated back there. Can't be fucked. I know. And it's like, look look it's just part of the gift of being a parent that the child has actually given you yes the ability to use them to get out of anything that you like totally obviously not without completely without the guilt and there's always those i mean someone used it to get out of my engagement party Like mine Engagement party And then the wedding

They did the double They did the double So first of all But you can't be angry Were you impressed? At the time I was like I don't give a shit Yeah right

Because it's like Whatever So the first one was like Okay it's engagement party It wasn't kid friendly It was literally on a main road With no With no With no gate.

Gates, nothing. Nothing. Where should I meet you? The M1. They're like, why can't we bring our kids? It's like, okay, bring them. Bring them and see what happens. They're like, oh, okay, that's fine.

But then on the day, so they wasted a number there. They were like, oh, they're sick. And I was like, bullshit. But at the same time, I was like, whatever, I don't care. Getting pissed at my engagement party. You're not going to be missed. I think as a parent, though, there is definitely the thought. Anytime someone's like, because I think Lola's birthday, she was two recently.

And one of Laura's friends did the old, oh, so-and-so's not feeling too well. And I was like, that's bullshit. Cop out. It's a cop out, but play on. It's play on. Six again. But then this same couple did it the day before the wedding. Which?

Which is fuck, because I paid a hundred and something dollars a head for this person. Where did you get married? Balmoral. Okay, so get a fucking babysitter. Oh, fully. They just didn't, there were those parents that couldn't leave their kids.

That's what we worked out. Not to judge. You just went, ugh. But yeah, I'm like, oh, quickly. Let's judge them. Let's see their incomplete. This is a judge-free-ish place. You want a night away from your kids, for sure.

Yeah, you go to a wedding, it's free. I'm paying for you to, I'm essentially paying for you to have a night out and you stiffed me the day before. So, like, there's no- Did you say, like, send me a photo? You better be in hospital. Yeah, that kid better be on his deathbed. I'm telling you right now.

Not that I wish that upon him, but I want evidence. Are you still friends with them? Believe it or not, it was some type of family. Oh, it was a family member. I'm not getting into it because if they do hear this, then it's going to be like... We're going to have to spark it back up again. I've already got Nan who's offside. Yeah, I know.

Poor Olive is going to be coming after you after this episode. She won't listen. She doesn't know what a podcast is. I tried to explain it to her yesterday or Sunday. She's got no idea. I was like, what do you mean you mean radio yeah you know alan jones yeah this is essentially what we do similar less racist i would say i've already always told you i hate everybody surprised you didn't notice anything about the car when i arrived nothing at all nothing at all okay what am i supposed to notice about right she was looking pretty clean you're actually not known for having clean things so exactly and for the first time i've just i haven't it's obviously

not up to my standards the car was washed and I've waited for this moment for a very long time. The simple things. When I can put my children to work and- No. And I- Yes. Yes. That's worth a high five.

I have this problem- You've crossed over to child labor. Yes. I love it. Yes. I have this problem. You've crossed over to child labor. Yes. I love it.

I have a problem where I'm kind of nap trapped in the afternoons because like up until 12 o'clock, I'm like, fucking great. I can do anything, go to the park, go for a walk. With the kids. I can do anything. But then I've got to get home for 12, 12.30 because Lola needs that nap. And then the issue is i can't go anywhere because lola's gonna sleep for an hour and a half and marley's like mate what are we gonna do ipad

and i give it the ipad just for a little bit and it's okay those of you who are listening thing can't believe you give your kid an ipad it's like shut up this is 2023 it's actually people will go on a fucking mars soon like god it's actually really impressive the apps that you can get now you can get like drawing you're gonna get an apple vision that's the next thing when they bring out the child version of apple vision if it keeps it quiet for half an hour i'll do it absolutely but she loves it except now the issue is ash she's just becoming really obsessed with the ipad like all the time yeah she's just like fucking like needs a fix yeah she's like scratch she's got that blippy fix yeah where is it laura comes home and she's even

laura's been like laura tries to catch me out she comes home and she's like how long were you on the ipad for oh marley's like three hours and i'm like it's not true liar you're gonna believe a four-year-old over me yeah except yeah i now need to get it off the ipad and i was like what can i what can i do like what activities manual labor we draw for a bit she gets she likes a drawing then she gets bored of it so i thought yeah what can i she's really into like she's kind of marley's now understanding the concept of money because i guess like for kids now like they don't really see money that often like like we did you know not to sound like i'm really old but you know parent we would see our parents yeah yeah cash was king like now

it's like i'm paying my phone yeah they're like it's like through here's a good example if you went down to kmart or a toy shop to buy a cash register yes guarantee you there's no cash in it i guarantee you it's got a f-boss yeah isn't it fucking wild it's wild man it's the world's wild place but that defines it we're getting deep on this episode but so marley's really like into money she's into coins we've got this little jar that she's keeping like a little money jar and i said to her like do you want to do you want to have some coins and it's also great because she likes the big coins like a two dollar coin yeah the bigger the coin the less it's worth yeah yeah yeah that has no idea so i got the soap ready, got the bucket, and I was like,

fucking there you go. Get to it, son. Did a pretty average job, to be fair. Well, she is four. Not yet four. Not quite four, but, like, what do you expect? She loved it. So did you not help?

No. How did she do the roof? She's up on the ladder. Get up on this extended ladder there, sweetheart. On top. Don't scratch it. I was there, like, giving her a hand. Yeah.

I went inside just to get my phone and, like, I got distracted for a second. Classic. And then somehow the gate had closed as well. So she's locked out there and she's oh my god had driven past and then he was just seeing marley there like by herself for the record it was for like a minute or two yeah yeah that was it and they rang the doorbell and they're like hey just checking uh you know they rang the doorbell and went, can you do mine next? I'll bring it round. Laura comes home and Marley's there like exhausted.

She's got blisters on her fingers from washing all the cars. Hasn't had a drink of water in hours out there in the sun. But yeah, mate, if you need your car done, let me know. I'll bring Marley round. I do need two cars done, thank you. That's great. I love how you've crossed over into child labour because that's every parent's dream where it's like they can help out for minimum wage.

How much did the young girl earn that day? 50 cents. That's outstanding money. If there's any children listening, that's great money because you could go to India and get a quarter of that. Could be a lot worse. I haven't quite crossed over yet. I mean, what have I got Oscar to do?

Like, I get him to get the remote on the other side of the couch. And even that is like a beautiful moment when you can start to win. Because I've been trying to train the dog to do it for nine years. It's like it's at the other end of the couch and I'm like, get the remote and he'll get distracted in that tiny oh is it isn't it so disappointing when you're like good boy almost there he like picks it up and then you can see just get like a noise will happen or like something will yeah like get his attention away and he starts and like he puts the remote yeah further away

from where it was what did they do this morning i was like can you grab the remote because macy was like right up against me i was like can you grab the remote? Because Macy was like right up against me. I was like, can you grab the remote? And he like grabbed it and went to the kitchen to get like a snack or something, came back with a snack and not the remote. And I was like, this is why you're not getting paid this week. Tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies.

Tell me. Tell me lies. Tell me. Tell me lies. Okay, Ash. Lies. Last week, we had a few lies. I told the lie of Marley not being able to pick her nose because it had stretched nostrils and her brain would fall out.

Didn't go down too well. Nope. And she started picking her nose again, which is really fucking annoying. I know. I actually saw her do it. Yeah, you saw her first. I pointed it out. I was like...

And she's just like, shut up. I'm in a good place right now. She's like, I'm digging for gold. Loves it. But we asked. We asked the good listeners of this country to submit their lies. And each week, I thought we should pick out the best ones. I've picked my best two this week.

I want to start us off. I've also picked two just so you know whether you're expecting that or not because last week i was very unorganized okay line number one this parent here says that anytime their kid wants to eat something that they're munching on they just say it's really spicy and you won't like it. Love that. That's classic. I always do it with like soft drink or something and I'll be like, spicy. April, like if we go to KFC or whatever, April gets her son kissed.

That's what she likes. He knows it's like the orange spicy drink. So he already knows it. Or if I get Coke, he's like, that's the black spicy drink. It's a great one. Spiciness is like kryptonite for kids. I know, they don't want it. I mean, I'm wondering like are there any kids out there who can handle spice from a young age? That's a great one spiciness is like kryptonite for kids i know that i mean i'm

wondering like are there any kids out there who can handle spice from a young age that's a good yeah if so fuck those parents i gotta feel so i know because i if i get like but i'm gonna mention kfc again here if i get like wicked wings and oscar's like can i have a bite i'm like man it's spicy i give you one but now all chicken that I have is spicy because I gave him some of that even sometimes like chocolate biscuit which is Marley's vice and she's like chocolate chip cookie and I'm like oh it's a spicy one it's a spice one see all those spices on there you wouldn't like it get some everything yeah you could try some if you want and she's like no no. You wouldn't like it. My first one is the classic, I need to poop. So, look, whether you want to lie to your kids or your wife on this one.

Yeah. Works for both parties. It works for both parties because, like, if I smell Macy and she's like, she's done a shit, I'm like, I need to do poo-poos. I need to do poo-poos. But, like, if Oscar's like, come outside and ride the bike with me and I just couldn't be arsed, I'm like, I could do poo-poos. I need to do poo-poos. But like if Oscar's like, come outside and ride the bike with me and I just couldn't be arsed. I'm like, I could do poo-poos.

And it's weird. It's the one line that they understand. Yeah, because they know how much it's traumatising. Yes. Yeah, they think it's as traumatising for us 30 years down the track. Whereas I can say to the kids, can I just have one minute, please? It doesn't matter. I'm working or daddy needs to just do something really quickly.

Doesn't mean shit to them. They don't care. If I say, hang on, guys, I'll be back in a second. I just need to go do poos. They're like, please, don't let me hold you up. As you were, young man. Yeah, yeah, that's a great one. My second lie, Ash.

This is a lie that a lot of people submitted. I had it more than once i must have it like seven times i've never heard of it being done before it was never told to me when i was a child but i don't know if you've heard of it these parents are saying that they tell their kids that if they lie to them if they if the kid lies to the parent on the child's forehead a red dot will appear so the parents will know that they're lying. What? Like why red?

Like I don't. Because I don't know. I don't know. But like. If someone could just explain what that means. Why a red dot? Who knows? I'd like to tell my kid if you lie, someone's going to be a picture of a dick on your face.

Yeah. Could be anything. That'd be more fearful. But, and I guess so the kids don't lie because, I mean, kids are very, I feel like as a parent, surely you can tell when your child's lying. Unless your child's lying. Yeah, because I always ask, are you lying? And usually they go, yeah.

They're not that smart. You just like, you just, you don't say anything. You just look at them. And then they like, they're like, oh. They're like, oh, shit. They can't handle the interrogation. It's like Oscar was telling me some kid hit him at kindy. I'm like, are you sure?

He's like, no. Idiot. My final lie is another classic. Everything is broken. Ah. Now. Can I just say. Yep.

Go. Bravo. Just bravo. that is a top shelf lie it is a top shelf lie i use this one a lot so one prime example that i used is we're up at the pub up here that has like a playground of course why would i go to the pub it didn't have a playground anyway i took oscar up there and there's those claw machines. And I knew that he was going to obsess over it because we've been there before. But on the way in, there was an area of the pub that had a sign up that said, this is closed.

So not in use. Stole that because I knew the claw machine was coming and I put it on the claw machine before he could notice it and he comes over to play knew the claw machine was coming and i put it on the claw machine before he could notice it and he comes over to play with the claw machine and it even had the sign saying it was not open and i was like oh sorry buddy what a shame what a shame it's broken you know you're not going to be able to hang off that thing like you do and bang it and ask me for money every five seconds i thought you're going to tell me that it off that thing like you do and bang it and ask me for money every five seconds i thought you're going to tell me that it was one of those like little rides like either

like the fire engine i always say that broken too yeah everything everything whether it's like the playground yeah yeah yeah that's another good one when like oh we'll save otherwise for other episodes even even like youtube youtube youtube's broken the ipad's broken everything's broken it's like i'll go to bed i don't want to go to bed oh youtube's gonna break it's oh look you've broken it yeah i think like it's a really easy one to trick it's not a lie it's a trick i would say i feel like trick and lying is very similar ash for some well some tomato tomato yeah look i would say you're right i'm not gonna argue with that point For some. Well. For some. Tomato, tomato. Yeah. Look, I would say you're right.

I'm not going to argue with that point. But that's the lies for this week. So, keep them coming in because we've got a lot more to come through. If ever there was going to be some advice pulled from an episode, it would be this segment right here. Yeah, how to lie to your kids better. We're teaching you how to lie to your kids or your future kids better. You're welcome. Ash, before we go, we have one little segment.

This is where we answer some of the questions from our listeners. We only have time for two, which is such a shame because there are so many people out there who really need a lot of help. some unknown reason they turn to us it's a it's baffling to answer these parenting questions and some like i've seen questions and look if i haven't got back to your dm on instagram there's two reasons for that one i'm lazy and two your message is too long you have been quite good though that's tighten that shit up and i'll come back to you have you had any uh interesting messages coming through so far that may not be questions anything i don't recall has sparked your interest not a very good reader i reckon you've just gotten

april on that job i feel like there's no way she would want that i go back i do go back there's nothing that just like spring to mind there are some good ones i get and i usually would respond with you know something you know saying thank you for the funny story or whatever but some of them are just too long guys these are people who are pouring their heart out and they're like i've tried everything you leave me a two-page message that's unread delete no offense i love how people write a message on in the dm and they started off by saying like ah sorry ash i know i know you hate us but just want to say something quickly i know i know you hate dms it's like oh please carry on yeah okay we've got two questions the first one is

how do you get your toddler to sleep through the night i feel like we've had a question that's similar to this about sleep routines i don't there's no trick there is no trick i feel like it's everyone's got well look that's wrong you're wrong do you reckon that everyone's got their own trick because every every kid's different without you even knowing it you would have your tricks like that you put into play so that you know that your daughters are going to go to sleep or you know it helps them be comfortable to go to sleep and subconsciously i feel like it's just routine i feel like kids are fiends for routine yeah definitely but like sometimes it's just not what trick have you got what do you what do you got in your little bag

there well what are you gonna rummage around mary poppin's bag down here it's called no uh look it's not it's not a trick but like like i said like there would be little things that you do that you don't really that just a part of you just say you you don't have a routine sometimes that could not having a routine could be a routine. Didn't that blow your mind? Give me a second just to have a sip of that. Wash it down with a bit of better beer. Spitting truths. Yeah, I think like getting them to say it's different every night, right?

Yeah, routine. Like we have a routine like bath and after the bath, what you can and can't do before you go yeah you don't want to get them too worked up yeah but sometimes some nights it's just like just to get them to sleep they might need to just sleep with you that night do you know what i used to do that i look back and i think when you're a toddler i was kind of remember what i did last week let alone when i was a toddler but when marley was a newborn actually all the way up until like after lola was born this is like the first couple years of her life i used to look laura and

i both did this we used to rock marley to sleep in our arms yeah and then put her down and then she would fall asleep in our arms we would place her in the cot and obviously we all know that transitioning a child is so hard because you put them in that cot and as soon as you like stop making contact or as soon as you move your arm under their head and their head goes oh that'll wake them up where are you going motherfucker yeah yeah fully it's a nightmare and like now with lola we just put her down dummy bottle shut the door let her do a thing we're out self-settle that's great you ever done, what are the gummies called? Melatonin.

Yes. Thankfully, we did a lot of sleep training when we've spoken about this, when I said, don't do it too early because it's a waste of time. And it is. But I think like... That burp was short, sharp. Magical. I really want, let's just keep that. It was part of the conversation.

Let's keep it. I'm sorry. magical i really want let's just keep it was part of the conversation let's keep so sorry doing it i think like you said routine is key because kids of that age two three four do love routine so like we thankfully we haven't had to use the melatonin because have you ever you ever tried it once no so this is the first time you tried it we did it the other night. Why? Because we were at someone's house and they were giving it to their kids. And we were like, what have you got there? Just group them in together.

Yeah, yeah. What have you got there? Heroin? Just group them in together. Yeah, give some to Molly and Moa. They'll be fine. Yeah. And they had some. They're still asleep.

Three days later, I haven't heard from them. On the car ride home. to be fair it was late anyway so like it could have just been the the lateness of yeah but that forced your children to be away lola like was in the back seat you know when you like look in the rearview mirror and you can kind of see them like she's like um i'm tired yeah yeah this shit's good they stare off into it yeah just like I remember once

Oscar fell asleep and like he'd fallen asleep when we must have been going down a hill so he was like seatbelt was just keeping him from falling but he was just like

that poor neck yeah it was like completely perfect but he must have fallen asleep when we were going downhill because he was

falling forward but yeah look there's no secret no every kid's gonna be different yeah don't put too much pressure on yourself

is one thing I would say what the fuck did you just say I'm full of good advice like I just don't use it just as the episode's about to wrap up

Ash comes out with like a nice caring considerate line prior to that he's like you're fucking nothing yeah and then you're like I better turn it around oh no to that, he's like, you're fucking nothing. Yeah.

And then you're like, I better turn it around. Look, you just don't know what you're going to get with me. And I think don't put too much pressure on yourself. That's the nicest thing I've ever said. I feel weird in my tummy. I know, I feel sick. Oh, yeah. Okay, so Matt, my question to you from the listeners, of course. Tips for leaving the house with two kids solo.

Shit. It's a nightmare. It's painful. It is. Especially on your own. I think put the most aggressive one in and strap them down first. Yes. That's step one.

Because, like, you've got usually one. If they're both crazy, we've got nothing for you. It's step one. Because like you've got what usually one, if they're both crazy, we've got nothing for you. It's always hard. Like, I mean, I can't think of any situation where both kids have been like, do you know what? I'm just going to get in the car. I'm not going to put up a fight today.

You look like you're a bit tired. I'll play ball. Yeah. No, I mean, I always forget everything. So, I have, we talk about baby wipes, such a critical, critical component of parenting. You always forget them. So, I always keep some in the car. I have some in like bags.

I have some in the kitchen. They're like everywhere. So, any situation, I'm always like within arm's reach of baby wipes. But then also, I'm fortunate in that normally whenever I'm out of the house, I'm meeting up with a parent. Who's got the accurate supplies. So like, for example, my sister. Oh, they'll have it. Yeah.

So then I rock, for example, Monday just gone. I rocked up. I didn't have any snacks. I had nothing. I had one water bottle that the kids would share. That's all I had. And baby wipes. I was like, this is enough.

Yeah, fully. And then my sisters there would like cut up fruit, like snacks, dried fruit as well. Just like a smorgasbord of food. You were like, okay, I'll have some. Poor kids have like barely even had breakfast. I'm like, go towards your auntie. Like, daddy, we're hungry. Her kids, they're like, where's our food mom my kids

are just stuffing their face so find another parent who's far more organized and just always meet up with them so if you do forget anything they got your back that's great advice actually that's great advice look for me i would say yep strap in the wildest one first to whatever it is that you're strapping them to pram body car three things i To whatever it is that you're strapping them to Pram, body, car Three things I don't know what else you're strapping them to Bus

And then once you've got the craziest one in the car Then pack the bag, the things you need I was going to ask So do you, because I sometimes do this Will you put the kids in the car, lock them down first And then pack the car second? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, great.

I'm leaving in the garage. The garage is shut. Yeah. The doors are open. They've got something they're playing with. I'm going back and forth loading the car up anyway. I think that's fair play. If it was in the boiling hot sun, I wouldn't do that.

Obviously, we're not going to do that. Yeah. Sometimes what I'll do is, like, Macy will be asleep, and I'll get everything and Oscar organized for when she's going to wake up. So I can go,car in the car i'll go get macy come down before macy's come to she's in the car and we've left and she's like oh yeah who the fuck are we we're on the freeway uh i think your advice is really good because yesterday we went to a friend's house and i said to april i was like i wasn't solo but it was my idea to go to my friend's house, believe it or not. Strange. And I was like, oh, they'll have snacks up there.

They'll have wipes. Yeah. That they've bought with their hard-earned money. I don't want to waste my stuff that I bought with my hard-earned money. Did they? Oh, yeah. Yeah, great. Oscar's straight in the pantry.

Yeah. But yeah, look, it's a nightmare. Figure it out. Safety in numbers. You'll figure it out. Surround yourself with other parents who are far better than you. Yeah, it's a nightmare. Figure it out. Safety in numbers. You'll figure it out. Surround yourself with other parents who are far better than you. Yeah, that's definitely. I know.

And I was like, if I was like going out or something and I've got both kids and all my friends are busy, I'm like, what are some of your good mother friends doing? Take them over there. Just be like, yeah, I really like you this afternoon. What's the occasion april's out we're moving in sadly ash that is all we have time for i know go so fast oh my doesn't it just when you're having fun two guys drinking beers yeah drinking a beer unemployed can i just say april is so quiet Upstairs Is she

She's very hard working Is she sleeping What is she Well as I I don't even hear her type What is she doing up there She types so fast She can't hear it

As I am unemployed She's up there Making the bacon Don't you dare get up there And disturb her Before Oh no I went to the bathroom

And I was like Hey April She was like Fuck off No Can I ask Before we go Does that mean that given your unemployment status

are you doing far more work with the kids now is that how it's going to work in this household what's going to happen absolutely not it's all about me not about them no i look i'm gonna i'm gonna take a leaf out of your book and have them on the thursday so you save a day on kindy there what will you do on thursdays i'm just gonna lock them in a room and get on with my get on my day that's usually what dads do right yeah i'll probably spend most of the day on the toilet let's be honest well we can't both meet each other because neither although if two of us get together we might have all the supplies we need we'll be rocking up and like do you have any like no i don't have anything kids will be like half dressed one shoe on people will be looking at us like what are those two fools doing they're doting yeah luckily for dads

the bar is so low it's so unfair it's so good you just got to be there yeah literally be there physically be in the room and it's like everyone at how good this dad is what a guy mum's really got to you know put up the hard yards to be judged which sucks and on that note on that note

let's end it we will get out of here before we go though if you do enjoy this episode or any episode of Two Doting Dads or all episodes

or every single one we would love it if you gave us a review I would actually I would actually I review. I would actually... I would actually... I would actually... I would actually love to know in the review if you tell us what your favourite episode was.

To be fair, most of them involve like body... And swearing. As Matt has kindly pointed out my language. I feel like we didn't swear as much in this episode. It will reduce. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. There you go. Let me get the numbers up.

Also, give us a follow as well on Apple Podcasts. So then each week, it'll be inserted directly into your podcast inbox every single week on a Wednesday morning. Inserted directly into your inbox. Yeah, very, I was quiet. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, it's been a while for me.

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Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.